#trying to make them look away worried

[chappellrroan]

i am feeling emotions

#went out just with dad for work and there was an accident and i saw this man covering the eyes of his both kids like yk #trying to make them look away worried #and then there's us who haven't properly looked at each other for 15+ days now #more like i didn't but i had my reasons and we barely even speak except when it's absolutely necessary or academic related #and i was just hoping this got over soon so we'll not have to be so awkward and close to each other #and then i see those kids with their father it's like #when was the last time you ever voluntarily tried to protect me from something when it actually mattered or when it did not relate to your #dreams like i don't even remember having you in my childhood #like there was a man who visited us for a month or two in a year and i thought i knew him and i thought i loved him but all that love was #literally me trying not to get in your way or make you angry trying to be proper perfect adult child so once in a while you could and go #yes i approve of you #i remember asking you that when was the last time you actually willfully asked me if i was okay and your response was well you're never okay #so what's there to ask must've been a very small thing for you but it wasn't for me #and i stopped expecting after that dw but it's even worse now #sorrys come in form of food or books or indirect remarks but sigh why am i even thinking about this #dni #mine

[dumb-doll-lips]

I feel like steak is like the same as poker to me. People will keep trying to teach me about it. But it never sticks.

#lots of things won’t stick #but these two people try to teach me about them more when it comes up #but it’s no use #I like only get steak if someone else makes it for me or orders it for me #and my version of playing poker is pretending I’m someones team mate #I know it doesn’t have teams #so it’s like I’ll just sit next to someone and look #and be excited if they win #don’t have to worry about me giving anything away bc idk what is good #personal

[munch-mumbles]

ive been a little upset about it all night so i need to write out all the things that happened at work today and are bugging me so i can TRY to get it out of my head and actually RELAX bc i just keep pacing in circles around it instead of just accepting it and moving on

#for context i was working frying chicken today. ok so i arrive and literally all the chicken out expires within ten minutes of each other #meanwhile to remake everything takes about an hour 20 #tried my best to get everything out and replaced and make sure i have enough of everything and then take my break bc with chicken there are #few narrow windows to take your break in you have very little control over when it is #get back and while im getting ready for my next fry one of the assistant leaders comes back and passive aggressively asks 'everything ok?' #and when i say yeah shes starts saying how shes 'just checking' because apparently i didnt have enough chicken out for her liking and went #on about how we're in a chicken drive (I KNOW. I WORK CHICKEN SHE NEVER HAS.) #etc etc. i just say ok and she leaves #like 20 minutes later she comes fucking back to rag on me again about how i need to choose my break times better and i need to have more #chicken out there as back up (extremely difficult bc there is literally only so much room in the fryers. the batches i usually make already #nearly completely fill them up) blah blah and then when i try to explain how i WAS making pretty big batches people are just snatching them #up fast she keeps trying to walk out the door right away and keeps stopping and looking over her shoulder to just stare at me while i try t #finish my sentence #and she just. doesnt say anything in response when i do finish she just leaves #so clearly she didnt want a conversation she just wanted to rag on me #then later for cleanup the timing of everything just kept lining up inconveniently so i kept having to get in and out of raw cleaning gear #and slowing myself down and i end up having to stay almost 15 minutes late to finish cleaning #during cleaning i have to go grab a key to the back door to take out my trash and this one coworker i have was standing in the way of the #door. i say excuse me and she just stares at me and goes huh? #and i say i need a key and she barely moves out of the way without responding and she has a look like im bothering her #why are you acting like im being douchey. i just need a key. thats something she does a lot she acts like im inconveniencing her by asking #basic favors . ive stopped asking her to help me open the back door (sometimes needed if i also have raw garbage to take out and therefore #cant touch the key myself) for some reason she takes it upon herself to almost completely close the door after i walk out so when i come #back i have to awkwardly use my foot to reach around and pull the door open #ive asked her before not to do it and she just ignored me #GRAH GRAH. and then like i said in my last rb i realized while i was drivign home i forgot to wash a damn pan #im mostly worried about it because ive forgotten a couple times in the past too . in my defense its a pan i personally dont use but it just #gets left behind from first shift sometimes and then second shifters end up having to make sure its clean #im just irritateddd and im mad im worried about it all. its all little things piling up on each other #LOL I WROTE A LOT MORE BUT THE REST GOT CUT OUT IG I HIT A TAG LIMIT. tumblr voice ok dude quit your bitching !!

[arttrampbelle]

Ok mini vent/tsimping? (Look there's good points and bad points)

I hate mk12/mk1 shang tsung's writing. And his stupid needle wannbe basic bitch claw gloves.

HOWEVER!

I will admit despite all that. He's once again THE ONLY THING GOOD ABOUT THE NEW MK GAME. and it's sad really because it's just mk11 2 electric boogaloo,but different packaging. Srsly. Fr. It really is. Nothing changes. Nothing is special. It's the same shit. Trying to pretend to be something better but it's not really.

But again like i said. Despite that. Unless you're a shang tsung tsimp.

You're not going to really like the new game. Unless you have no standards and aren't really a mk fan. And are just here for the hype.

But in all seriousness,i would like alan lee as shang more and watch more of his shang ,if people stop putting him in those stupid fugly ass gloves. Get rid of those and we good bro.

I mean really. If mk onslaught can make him look like this

And keep his smugness in 12.

Getting rid of those damn gloves would make this less distracting. And stop making me so pissed off. (Im petty,i hate his gloves,sue me)

And his role needs to be done better,but i chalk that up to once again piss poor writing. And even then....still the only entertainment about the new mortal kombat game is SHANG TSUNG. Once again he has to save the damn franchise because they keep making other characters shit. Ugh.

And i want him to "win" but i want it to be worth it and actually earn it and not be plot convenient for tsimps like me. Like im a huge fan but damn man. Give me something with oomf,with flavor,not imitation fake ass cheese. Gimme real chedder,ya know ehat i mean?! Like damn.

NOT MAKING LIU KANG A VILLAIN IS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE AND FUMBLE THEY (NRS) EVER MADE!

But i digress.

Shang tsung still is a cutie. Not the best in the new game as he isn't quite as delicious as the og tagawa,and im still disappointed and am rejecting canon and substituting it for my own,but still shang tsung is shang tsung and I'm out of proper kontent.

So he'll do. For now (i do 💖hate💖 how he still got charm,swag, or rizz as the young kids call it now).

Like despite the shitty writing,he's still cute.

Honey I'm so sorry they did you kinda dirty. But despite the shitty script,mr alan lee does a decent job. At least he fucking tries. Unlike some characters!!!! *stares death glares at this mk12/mk1 lame ass version of liu kang* . Like I'm so sorry sweetie that they give you half assed villainy and call it good. Ugh,you deserve so much better.

So for me this shang's a 5 or 6 solid out of 10. But this is me being a tsimp so eh. Dont take my word for it.

#mortal kombat #shang tsung #self ship #self shipping #💚heart and soul🐍 #look shang tsung is shang tsung so im trying to attempt to like the new shang despite the shitty script and storymode #*sigh*😔 #waited this long for a deadly alliance reunion and all i got was a lame ass fan fic leveled liu kang inserting himself into everything #and it's not even a good quan chi either! this quan vhi is lame and so plot convenient it's not even funny! #like the whole game is this stupid tarkat disease subplot and it's sus af and questionable why tf they would add this in a storymode #it's just an unnecessary subplot that adds nothing of worth to the game really and nothing to the characters and takes away all their oomf #like it makes baraka less intimidating and mileena subpar to make her seem palatable for the normies #and instead of making the plot fit around their characters once again they change their characters to fit a plot #thus making them entirely different characters than what they actually are #like i know they want something different but this aint it dude like nrs is trying to hard #but anyways enough venting y'all didn't come here for this so dont worry about the vents in the tags #enjoy shang tsung

[cinnamon-phrog]

How's your day going on tumblr

My day has only just started [EST timezone you see, I am so sorry if I'm incomprehensible] but it's going well, thank you!

I was a bit sad because I chose to give the benefit of the doubt to someone someone else was being mean to, but the person I gave the benefit too turned out to be exactly who I hoped they weren't.

That red x yellow shipper turned out to be a pr*shipper but just didn't say it, a friend of mine told me about their gross twitter acc, as well as the other shipper who sided with them. The only thing they're right about is yes it does indeed look like it's 2022 again :c

It makes me sad to see nothing but gatekeepers and pr*shippers in the dhmis tag so I'm just going to not bother looking anymore, you all had your chances.

It's very messy and has upset me for a bit, but I went offline to go to town and I felt much better!!

[I go off a lot more in the tags- like a LOT a lot. A sort-of vent/complaint but not an ooooooh look at me vent just a few things that've happened in the past that made me who I am now]

#i get worried that i complain too much so i try to bring the positive. because there IS always a positive #i bought a froggie eye mask for one. it matches my 5 quid frog snuggie <3 #and i got a free blocklist yayyyyyyy happy days #it's sad that most people who i think might be like me and see the trio as ageless/adults and wholesomely ship them turn out to be prroshit #but i keep looking! i know two or three who have but got chased away by the gatekeepers who mistook them for proshits #i honestly don't blame them for being so mean now. anyone could be anything and it's hard to know if it's not directly stated #and i used to assume a lot. i still do but i want to use my assuming to assume good #and i think i only caught my assuming bug from others since i came into the dhmis fandom quite young [sadly] #god 2022 was bad. at least june-august felt like it's never end. gross people everywhere and i had to be an agony aunt to 20+ year olds- #when i was only 15. actually who fucking does that. i'd gone through the worst of the toxicity #forced to see yellow as a child or i was afraid i'd be excluded. treated weird when i admitted it. a good friend turned out to be a pr*. #i felt i HAD to get involved or i'd be told i wasn't doing enough. i was a child. a baybee. i just wanted silly puppets and to be funny #now i worry i'll be 'called out' for nothing and everyone is two faced #can't try to make dhmis mutuals without checking their blog and seeing how mean they are to people like me #and it's so stupid. you guys can all be so stupid. i can't make friends because of you because i'm afraid #everytime i post art or gush about the characters that bring me a comfort you wouldn't believe i worry i'll be told off from it. #i talked about yellow once on my old sideblog and some bitch whined about how i felt for him and how it was wrong #how they told their friends and they all agreed i was a freak for it. it's not that dramatic. not everyone sees him as a baby #like what was the point of that. maybe check my blog and you'll know how i see him. #i'm glad someone came to my defence. #someone once got into a post i made for fun which explained how i saw him and oh boy they infantilised him and went off- #about how he's their baby brother. good for you /gen but can you do that somewhere else i love your art i know your famous but that's no- #excuse. i see more popular palatable artists get away with worse shit like this and it's saddening and i make sure to get away from it. #it's hard when i want to see art of my loves and only see two of them together. it's bittersweet and feels incomplete. #without them i feel incomplete. finding them was like finding three quarters of me that were lost to make me whole. #i bought badges of the trio on etsy and i lost the yellow one. i sobbed. i had to be consoled. i couldn't even do my math exams #because i got a taste of what a life would be where just one peice was missing. #any moment any of them can be taken away from me. that's selfish because they're not even mine and they're not even real. #i went off a bit. i AM happy. i am on my way to be happy. that's just something i needed to get off my chest

[neverendingford]

.

#tag talk #anytime my friends point out that something I say is good advice or express that they see me as aspirational I'm always just like.... #wtf how am I am example to look up to I'm just an idiot bumbling his way through life trying to avoid hitting her head on cabinet corners #honestly it's mostly just seeing mistakes others have made and going “I will not make those mistakes. I will make weirder mistakes than that #like. it feels a little like the “I'm eighty years old I'm done with putting up with everyone's bullshit” except it's #it's “I didn't kill myself so I'm not gonna put up with bullshit anymore” #like. I chose life. I'm not about to half-ass that decision. I'm not gonna walk back that decision. I'm not going to flinch away from it. #that fuckin... “what do we have to fear but fear itself” quote or whatever. like.. I died. you think anything else is gonna scare me? #if I'm going to be stuck here on this planet you bet your ass I'm gonna make the most of it. I'm not gonna be embarrassed. no shame. #we're all living here until we die and the things that matter are your own life and then the people around you. #I'm not going to miss out on a chance to find community and connection just because I'm afraid. I'm done being afraid. #though... I have been feeling shrimp emotions for the past two weeks and my stomach has tied itself up in knots over it. #I'm so detached because I'm afraid of feeling my emotions too strongly. so letting go and experiencing emotions is a lot for me. #and agghfffgghh I'm going to make it through this I'm going to make it through this but damn it's really rough #allowing yourself to get close to someone again after solidifying your position as unassailable is so hard. #especially because I've gotten so used to shielding the emotions of other people. hard to be honest when your honesty will hurt them #it's wild being around someone who's not wildly insecure because I can be genuine and honest and not worry about what I say hurting her. #I could say “I'm leaving in a year do you still want to date?” and trust that she would actually think it through and give a reliable answer #like. I can handle just my emotions because she's able to handle hers. #being in mental health spaces for so long I'm not used to interacting with emotionally stable people lmaooo #do you think I'm emotionally stable? I don't think I am. but then I meet other people who are wildly more unstable than I am and hmmm #like. sui wasn't an emotional choice it was a cost benefit analysis. I get emotionally unstable sure. but I contain myself until it's over. #I know enough to not be impulsive because I recognize impulsive behavior in others and thus in myself as well. #so like. I'm unstable but I'm not externally unstable. I know how to isolate when I'm in a wounded lashing out state. #anyway I've been processing so many emotions this past week because I'm wildly out of practice with allowing myself emotional honesty #instead of just bricking myself up behind my defensive apathy. I want to hold onto this. I want to continue to channel these emotions. #I want to be unafraid to tell people when I love them #though with her it's more of a Nerevarine situation. you are not someone I love but rather someone who might become that. #like. I haven't known her long enough to really say I love. but I very much think if things continue how they are I will be confident in it #and not even romantic love per se. I have some old friends who I genuinely love. several siblings who I love. most people I know I do not.

[akkivee]

what will they be doing when they’re on opposite sides from the rest of their team i wonder??? 🤔🤔🤔

#vee queued to fill the void #the fact the majority are 3gumi sends me honestly lmao thems misaligned 3gumi fr lol #i’ve been quietly excited for saburo and ramuda’s duet knowing where they both are in their stories (uncovering secrets) #and reading bbmtc➕ ch 12 just reinforced it lol boy i hope saburo doesn’t get burned by whatever secrets make up the yamadas #rio being on his own has only resurfaced my fears for his commander lol like #i’m hoping that with hoods means that he’s not going to that prison alone and that he’ll be successful most importantly #but samajuto with dead parents and partners out here whereas rio has none he’s talked about Scares me lol #for doppo i personally hope it sheds light on his family lol like i said on here #that he and the kannonzakas are looking out for the izanamis for hifumi tho idk what dice would have to do with that #maybe dice also will confront some of his family issues lol #*thousand yard stare at fcking harai kuukou* and yeah what about you mfer what are you doing away from your team #i’m trying not to be too worried since it’s jiro but whether you feel the story so far has reflected it or not #the yamadas are at the centre of it all and the beginning of it all too #if i were better at stringing thoughts together i’d explain how bb being consistent christmas babies ties into that lol #so i’m just a liiiiiiiiittle concerned about kuukou being paired with a yamada as happy as it makes me lol #c: rapping boys

[icewindandboringhorror]

I think the hardest thing in writing for me sometimes is the like “show don’t tell/let people communicate through subtext/Normal People don’t just walk around openly explaining their motivations for everything That’s Unnatural” thing because like.. I literally DO walk around openly explaining my motivations for everything, that is how I talk, I am an analytical detail oriented over-communicator who explains everything as thoroughly as possible and and will give a fully detailed 2 minute long answer to something simple like “how are you doing today?” .. like it’s hard to make things sound Natural and Normal when you yourself are inherently unnatural and abnormal in your methods of communication to an extent lol

#''hey. whats up? you look kind of sad.. is something wrong?'' normal answer (apparently how people are supposed to talk): *looks away #remosefully and stares into the distance* ''n-no.. I'm fine. don't worry about it.'' abnormal answer (how I would respond): ''Yeah I #'m mostly fine. I was just thinking about what the future is going to be like 30 years from now and if I'll ever actually accomplish anythin #g that I want to. which makes me feel X way for XYZ reason. you see because I had a dream last night that made me think of *continues to exp #lain my exact emotional state and inner thought process completely matter of factly in exact detail for 5 more minutes* #tfw you would be a badly written character if you existed in a story lol #This is also why I struggle making conflict because most conflicts can be resolved through conversation and I personally love to have long #detailed conversations about everything. Like literally I don't have hardly any conflicts interpersonally because if something happens it's #immediately followed up with like ''hey sorry if my tone of voice sounded a bit pointed or harsh. when you were talking to me I was trying #to balance all the stuff I was taking up the stairs and also my leg hurts so I think all my mental energy was being used there and I just #didn't feel like talking. I should have just said 'wait a minute and we can discuss it inside' instead of trying to end the conversation qui #ckly in a short rude way.' ''oh yeah thats fine. I thought it was something like that. sorry for hounding you about the topic as well. i #havent eaten in a while so I think I'm just a bit prickly at the moment. we should both rest for a while and destress from the store #trip and then talk about it later. maybe after lunch?' 'sure. sounds good.' like LITERALLY. lol #it is so hard for me to write characters who are bad communicators or don't understand their own internal states or arent constantly #analyzing their own actions to understand what they do/don't feel and why and what the cause of it is and etc. etc. etc. #I just naturally want everyone to perfectly undertsand everything and communicate amazingly and have complete self awareness and #logical presence of mind gjhbj.. which like.. of course comes across as unnatyural and also those type of people rarely ever get involved in #conflict and conflict is APPARENTLY what drives stories (even though I don't like most conflicts and just want to resolve them lol) so ...aa #I mean you can get around this to some degree by the fact that (at least in my opinion) no rule for dialogue is 100%. dialogue is good if it #sounds naturally like it comes from the character who said it. It can be meandering and pointless and rambly IF that matches the character. #it can be dry and overly self aware IF your character is that way and it suits them. So like throwing in a few detached scholar types or lik #e '5000 year old cave dwelling hermit' type people is good for me and works BUT the thing is an ENTIRE cast of characters can't be that way. #at some point - even in a setting where everyone is reserved and academic (like a research camp in the wilderness full of scholars and stuff #) still SOMEBODY has to be the one who's conflict prone and doesn't pristinely understand all of their emotions and etc. etc. Because statis #tically that is still literally the majority. Kind of like my tendency to make everyone 100% aromantic and asexul when it's like.. YES.. may #be 2 or 3 or even 4 out of 10 of them could be that way. but like.. an entire group? a diverse group of 10 people from all walks of life and #EVERY single one is like that??? hgjh . you have to add realistic variety #As much as I'm pro 'have more stories where sex or romance are literally NOT involved at all in any capacity since it's already oversaturate #d in media' I'm also dedicated to realism. alas. (at least as realistic as you can get in a fantasy setting lol)

[miabrown007]

eurgh pacing

#I HATE pacing so much #I don't want the slow parts but I need them #so backstage time for seven is my lucky number #I really didn't like chapter 10(?) when writing it. the there was only one bed chapter #and I was blown away by how much people ended up liking it #bc it was slow and nothing particularly important happened though nothing particularly important happened in that whole fic #anyway. I'm just thinking maybe that's what pacing can do #but it's just. my twists and cliffhangers. you're supposed to end a chapter on a high emotion that makes you want to read the next chapter #this is why I'm usually ending watching series episodes middle episode because the ending is too exciting #and I can just stop it in the middle and continue the next time #I have been trying to pay attention to switch slower scenes with faster scenes but I'm still worried #which is like totally irrational because I was too scared to look at my chapter all day sjdbdkdn #and I know that they say it's good to sit with your discomfort but is there not like a. shortcut. #also I'm waaaaaay in now is probably not the time to start to think about pacing but pacing #how do you do pacing? #<- genuine question btw share your secrets 👀👀 #miaing #joys of being a one-shot writer: you generally don't have to worry about pacing #woes of being a one-shot writer: you don't practice pacing so you end up like ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

[masquenoire]

Ever since he became a criminal, Roman has taken to the idea of keeping a dog or two around. His parents absolutely detested animals and never let him have any pets growing up, so he did the next best thing - steal a puppy from a wealthy breeder and raise it to become a ferocious beast. While aggressive and intimidating like their master, his dogs are well-trained animals and respond only to orders in Italian so they won’t just blindly obey anybody who tries commanding them.

#( 💀 ♮ IMMACULATE INTERESTS ♮ | musings ) #( 💀 ♮ UNMASKED MALICE ♮ | headcanons ) #Since in Arkham Origins he says he'll feed Batman to his dogs #So naturally I had to give him some #I have a feeling he'd like Rottweilers #Solid and muscular with scary looks and intelligence #Mr and Mrs. Sionis didn't like animals and absolutely used them in experiments when running Janus Cosmetics #Roman stopped that right away hence the toxic chemical incident #Trying my best to write atm but my laptop is making some very worrying noises #Overheating with only onw or two tabs open #Luckily my brother said he'll open it up tomorrow and clean/apply new thermal paste to help keep it going #So sorry for being a little quiet lately my laptop's not having it #Good thing I have a job atm in case I need a new one #I've had it since... 2014? #So kinda old eh

[pepprs]

covid is such an evil evil disease and an evil evil thing to live through lol

#purrs #this isn’t prompted by anything im just thinking about it. i hate that thisis what life looks and feels like now and it might always be thi #way. i hate that getting covid feels like an inevitability even though i wear n95s and don’t go anywhere but work and have basically 0 #social life and have put my life plans on hold to wait for this thing to pass when it probably never will. i hate that lockdown was better #and easier than this in some ways because at least back then people were still scared and there still felt like hope and there was clear(is #) guidance and free testing and vax sites and whatever. i hate that free testing and public health dashboards showing covid rates and vax s #sites and all that shit have fucking disappeared even though the variants going around now are more contagious than ever. i hate the #mortifying ordeal of being the only person (or one of the only people) wearing an n95 and sometimes the only person wearing a mask at all. #hate that so many things have been lost and we are not taking time to grieve them or make sure that we are okay and will be okay. i hate #being scared every time i swallow. i hate how there is literally no way to tell if you will get long covid and no way to reduce your chance #of getting long covid or covid at all (aside from masks) just ways to make the symptoms less severe. i hate trying to bring people together #and stay away from people at the same time. i hate all the life that covid has taken out of me and the people i love even though thank god #know more people who haven’t gotten it than who have but actually that may not be true idk. and i HATE that because of covid and how #egregiously badly it has been handled everyone is just like.. perpetually tired and sad and we’ve accepted mass illness and death and #accepted that disabled people (esp those who are marginalized in other ways) are disposable when actually no fucking human being is #disposable and everyone should be able to live happy connected healthy lives and we could’ve ended this shit in EARLY 2020 without having t #deal with any of this absolute fucking NIGHTMARE. like god. i remember sobbing hysterically thinking we would be dealing with covid for 18 #months and now we’re coming on 3 fucking years and lockdown is over but the danger is even worse than it was and like.. no one cares anymor #and it fucking sucks lmfao. i am so tired. i need to move out. and i miss my friends and i miss my life and i miss having fewer things to #constantly worry about and i can’t believe how good and simple life was before this stupid shit. #delete later #i wasn’t planning on going on a huge rant lol sorry it’s just what’s on my mind this morning

[cherrysnax]

#how do I make the self loathing n depression stop. i feel like I’m drowning n like I’m pulling my loved ones down with me #I’m trying really hard to be a person but it feels like ky progress is gone. i have a hard time standing up for too long so it’s rlly hard #cooking for myself even though one of my goals was to cook more. i keep forgetting what day/month it is #i feel like I’m so far away and everyone is just . millions of miles away from me #i just. want living to not feel like a chore. i have so many things I look foreword to #n I don’t want to quit on myself #and part of me thinks it’s the stress from our constantly sinking money sitch due to comic deadlines — that are only here to help motivate #the world won’t end if we don’t make them. i think that’s something we forget #but yeah I’m worried abt my mom and my health is declining I’m always dizzy and forgetful b I have problems holding convos #and I’m tired all the time and my libido is gone and it’s either my depression or my antidepressants but I’m worried abt it #idk what if I’m dying. my family can’t afford me dying. and I don’t want to cut a life short that has so much potential #but golly gee has my mental health not gotten the memo. i wanna do things for the ones I love but mh body seems to be shutting down #i want to be a good friend or lover or child or adult but I mostly feel like I’m stuck a few years back #but I will be okay. i will learn how to navigate my newfound issues. make sure to go outside despite my general adversion to it #learn to let myself feel freely about the present. while also think past tommorow uh positively #if I give up on myself what more do I have?

[bo0zey]

boys be mad asl when i don’t giggle n tehe n show cute emotions like bitch my wounded inner child just got done drunk sniveling begging for daddy not to yell n hate her while her intoxicated narcissistic father screamed n gaslit her until she dissociated to euthymic plane 🙄🙄🙄

#‘trauma dumping’ eat my shorts loser assholss #so funny he said if my narcissistic sociopathic insane brother killed himself then it’s ‘goodbye to the rest of y’all too’ #like ohhhhh so ur eldest daughter n youngest son don’t mean jack fuckjn shit to u right??? lmfao lolll #yeah just go rot with that selfish egotistic psycho while ur 15yr old son who lost his mom at 7yrs old #i want to strangle my fuckjgnf dad sometimes he’s so cruel n said so many mean things to me #he always has to defend my middle brother ‘he’s depressed what if he kms’ like??? #my middle brother literally manipulates tf out of my dumbass emotionally unintelligent father he’s tearing this family apart #meanwhile i never planned on seeing 18 nor living past 22 n now i have to go exist n find a job when i never thought i’d have to do this sh #shit ever b. i was supposed to #be dead 4 years ago lololllll #god forbid i tell him that or my plan to kms at 27 lollll #so worried abt a fucking LOST SOCIOPATH SEFISH NARCISSITIC CAUSE ur gonna make me and my baby brother suffer?? as orphans ?? #my dad n i used to get breakfast every sunday in middle school n talk abt life n drive around after n those days meant the world to me #i never realized how much i missed them. how much i looked forward to him saying he’d call me while i’m away at college #but my middle brother egosticizl fuck is like ‘lolyh i just nod n say what dad wants me to hear’ when my dad is trying so hard to save him f #my dad admitted to neglecting my lil bro lol it makes me so fkcing angry he doesn’t give af abt us #says ‘im worth more im the ground than i am alive’ n my inner teen bursts into tears bc she experienced that already #yeah moms life insurance money was so fun!! until it ran out bc of college n impulsive manic spending n the materialistic thrill never laste #i want to hate him but i can’t even deny i love him so much he hurts me and everyone i love and disappoints us all n we still care for him #he’s letting my brother fuckjgn kill him literlaly my dad is physically sick bc of my sociopath narcissistic bros drama #he blames me for not going to him n telling him abt my ‘’mental issues’ as if i didn’t have to grow up n become mom the day after my 16th #i am my mothers child he didn’t know anything abt our childhoods until she died and he had to step up n parent us himself #he doesn’t know what it means to be a parent he shouldn’t be a parent but oh fuckjgn well oh my god WE ARE YOUR KIDSMWE NEED YOU WH #WHY CANT YOU SHOW US YOU CARE WHEN WE ALL HAD TO LEARN ALL WE HAVE IS OURSELVES #i am so angry he tried to throw me under the bus abt not having a job as a new grad nurse instead of my brother for dropping out everything #ur son wants to drop his ap classes bc he procrastinated n doesn’t wNna do the work so now he’s manipulating u to let him quit #i am just not exiting the identity crisis coming to terms w the fact that i’m 22yrs old n alive n need to start living n working #tonight was a shitshow but the ending calmed down but i couldn’t stop crying sniveling whimpering when dad yelled #yelled n accused n attacked me n chose to defend my middle bro over me like..he’s trying to kill u n i freaked out bc stepmom said u cut #ramblings

[simptasia]

i love my crooked teeth i think they’re cute

#and even if they weren't. so what #okay i don't always like my teeth #sometimes they get nasty sharp and cut up the inside of my mouth #but for the most part i like them <3 #when i went to the dentist cuz some of my front teeth had rotted away i was worried that he was gonna attempt to make them look straight #but he didn't he perfectly recreated what that area looked like. misalignment and all. he didn't try to impose some beauty standard on me #i like having crooked teeth. adds something to a mostly uninteresting face

[hobisexually]

long winded rant in the tags coming that’s partly about weight but in a very unfiltered sad way so if that triggers you do Not read on

#on holiday I was like oHHHHH this is what living in the moment is! What listening to your body is! what not worrying about how you look is #but doing what makes you happy #and then …… I came home and got sent the pictures #+ my friend being. unintentionally fatphobic as fuck #while hurtful as fuck too #and it’s all just been piling up too since I got home because I’ve been having a lot of conversations and seeing a lot of people that #confront me with who I used to be and who I am now and how I’m really not happy with that #and it feels like it’s not gonna get better #like I’m destined to be in a job I like but isn’t what I want because I’m not capable enough and I’ll never know what romantic requited love #feels like. I’ll never cure my vaginismus I’ll never be able to let someone in or they won’t want me this is just it for me #and SOMEHOW the way I look has become the ultimate culmination of all those things? #my face is suddenly a woman in her thirties face #I keep gaining weight despite not even eating all that much because FUCKING PCOS makes it impossible #my hair in my face grew back. my stomach is hairy and that plus the added beer belly just makes it look like I’m a 50 year old man #I am soooooooo tired of the dysphoria #and the way pcos ruins fucking everything because I can restrict calories all I want and move all I want but will it help ? No ! #and of the fact that it impacts the way I feel about myself so much because I’m convinced now I’ll never find anyone #should have tried harder when I was 21 because that was the only time in my life I reasonably fit society’s standards like That was my shot #I’ve been taking supplements everyone says will help but I’m not sure I noticed anything in the past six months and I can’t take berberine #because it fucks with my heart medication. which. That too. I have that too #and I’m in pain! All the time now! ALL THE TIME so I can’t even work out to keep the weight stable because guess what ? #just after a normal day at the office I come home and have to lie down because everhthing hurts so much ! #today I got an impromptu massage in an attempt to feel better but it didn’t fix shit and I had to buy clothes for kings day after #and I didn’t try them on just quickly grabbed some orange shit to try on at home and at what I saw in the mirror I genuinely got nauseous #I just don’t know who that is in the mirror but it’s not me and I can’t accept it. I’ve been trying so hard but I can’t #it genuinely makes me so sad and I keep telling myself that a reduction will help in feeling more like myself and it will help with the pain #but what if it doesn’t? what if my pain doesn’t go away after af all and my stomach just juts out and I feel like a gremlin all the time #what then. what the fuck do we do then. also I’m so fucking scared of that surgery anyway that I don’t fucking want to do it anymore #I want so many things and all of them feel out of reach and I know my own brain is my worst enemy and it’s not rooted in anything real but. #Isn’t it? really — isn’t it???????

[unintentional-sad-wizard]

Worried that my health stuff might be acting up again augh

#PLEASE I don’t want another several weeks of this #I’m feeling super low energy and brain foggy and generally shitty #which makes me anxious because that’s usually how it starts when my symptoms start getting worse again #I’m crossing my fingers that this is just because I’m on my cycle or because I ate fast food today #for the first time in a while #and that it’s not the same health stuff I had going on for the last couple months #but I’m worried #we never figured out what was going on with me and it went away after a couple months #and I’ve been way better lately but the past week or so I’ve been feeling gradually worse and have been really low energy #I do have an appointment on Monday I think to redo some blood tests and stuff #but the first two times they ran those tests they didn’t find anything wrong even though my symptoms were awful #so if it is coming back I kinda doubt that this time will reveal anything #but maybe this will convince them to do other tests or refer me to a specialist or something #At least I’m taking fewer classes this term #so I won’t have quite as much stuff to balance #but money is tight because of how much work I missed last term so I can’t afford to miss a lot more #and I’m supposed to start volunteering at an animal shelter in a couple weeks which I’m really looking forward to #and I’ve been planning to get a dog soon-ish #and I would hate hate hate to have to postpone any of that stuff even more #and I just. can’t keep dealing with this. I hate being sick I hate not being able to do things I’m tired of it #I’m trying not to spiral or worry too much because anxiety definitely makes me feel worse lol #and this could be nothing it could be unrelated to whatever health issues I was having earlier #but it makes me nervous #the being of chaos speaks