#thoughts in my head but i also know that's probably the anxiety (and depression tbh)

[humbleanger]

.

#reading experiences with changing yr name and gender marker and it's either /went fast #was ok/ or /death would be preferable/ and it's getting me #but i know i have anxiety so i try to hold onto hope and tell myself /it could go well! nothings lost yet/ #sometimes i read about how difficult it is to be trans and i wonder how people here do it bc i instantly get /i can't do this i need to die #thoughts in my head but i also know that's probably the anxiety (and depression tbh) #journal eb #i hope for my own sake that when i go through this which is hopefully sometime this year i have people to help me keep going and who will #help keep me from losing my mind #idk yet #this year will be so uncertain #idk who will be there for me and who i will have to let go #and it's all probably going to happen while i'm writing my thesis so impeccable timing on my front once again #wooooooof this'll be somethin else

[alevicke]

Okay, the same request with the reader running away while being pregnant and then telling them but this time, they told the crew right away and is just fluff and comfort for you to write such an angst-driven plot!

Ahh! I don’t mind doing angst every now and then tbh! It was cool to write it, it was my first time so I hope it wasn’t too bad! 

Also I have another request in line I’ll be working on it soon <3 I’m just slow bc there is so much going on in my life and I’m busy every single day. Good for depression, bad for anxiety lol

If anyone is interested in these same ideas but with other characters please let me know ^^ I just feel too lazy to do them all in this same one, it would be too much so I’m just doing three as max per request <3 I’m also hella slow writing, I’m so sorry!

TADC x READER TELLING THEM THEY ARE PREGNANT

Characters: Jax, Ragatha and Caine

TW: Mention of throwing up. That's pretty much it I believe?? Anything else please let me know <3 All fluff <3

MY MASTERLIST 

JAX

Well, good news! Not so angsty anymore!

Jax was happy to see you approach him. His cocky smile, as always, there. Especially being around you, you could always see how his grin widened whenever you just went to his side. He wouldn’t admit it though, so don’t tell him unless you want an upset bunny saying you’re imagining things. 

But Jax quickly realized you seemed nervous

He raised an eyebrow looking at you while you fidgeted with your own fingers trying to find the words. Boy it sure wasn’t easy and less with Jax looking so intensively at you. But to be fair, he was getting nervous as well seeing you like that and not saying it

“Spit it dollface, what’s the deal?!” he finally said. He wasn’t angry, just, nervous and impatient. He knew something was going on and you were reminding him to Gangle. Thank god he loved you so he had more patience with you than with her “Look Jax.. I- I don’t know how to say this. I wasn’t even sure if it was even possible! But uh- Oh *Bleep*” you said nervously while he raised an eyebrow. Something was off on you so he tried to keep calm while you found the words. You loudly sigh trying to relax yourself and find the words “I’m… I’m pregnant Jax…”

… Jax looked at you, eyes wide opened and started laughing “Good one dollface! You almost made me worried something bad happened seeing you so nervous” He put his hand on his own hip but you were still nervous. Off, you said the joke, why weren’t you knocking it off already? Joking about that insistently wasn’t appropriate, not even for him. It was something serious “Dollface…? You’re joking, right…?”

Your head moving to the right and left was like a stab to his chest. Not like in a pretty bad way, but like, the news… Were just so sudden. You could see heavy sweat run down his face. How, if it was the digital world and you couldn’t even be hot? Who knows, probably something Caine created to express feelings better, but oh boy, you could see his mental chaos from outside already. 

As soon as you grabbed his hand, he softly shook his head looking at you. His heart was running at 1000 miles per second, but the sweet look in your eyes was enough to keep his thoughts in order. You weren’t joking, you were pregnant and most likely, you both would be parents… But you were so sweet with him. You could notice he was panicking of course and every single fiber of his was saying to run away, But there was no way he wanted to leave your side…

It takes you quite some time to calm him enough. He seems nervous, trying to laugh but he even miserably fails at that because he is panicking thinking about having a baby. Last time he could remember something so small was Pomni and upside down from her foot shaking her like a food bell and Ragatha almost killed him. But you do it. He breathes slowly and grabs your hand between his

“Ok toots… I think we can do this…”

Next days Jax is more careful with his jokes on you. It doesn’t mean you won’t receive any, but not so physical. He also makes sure no one hurts you in any way and Caine’s adventures better be softer or he’ll make a big deal until Caine changes them. That’s it without him saying he’s worried for you. He’ll just come up with weird ideas and complains to make everything safer for you

First times with you throwing up, two things happen. One, he laughs at you, second, he throws up as well later on when he sees it. 

It takes him a few days to adjust and help you better. He’s trying but he’s sometimes a drama queen despite you being the pregnant one in the relationship. 

How he continues through the pregnancy and childbirth is a whole other story/request

RAGATHA

When Ragatha sees you in the hall, she smiles and gets closer to you immediately hugging you in her warm embrace. She’s similar to a rag doll, soft and warm, probably the best hugs you could ever imagine. And she’s always up to keep you between her arms

That was the best way to start because you could relax in her arms for some moments before catching your breath and try to tell her

You get increasingly nervous under her eye, which makes her worry for you. You are never usually nervous around her. You both have been dating for so long already you trust each other, yet you were in front of her struggling to find the words

It seems like you couldn’t even create the sentence in your mind to say it out loud. Even your imaginary tongue was being troubled! “Hey… Is everything ok…?” Ragatha asked, softly putting her hand in your shoulder giving a gentle squeeze “You seem… Troubled? Is everything alright?” 

“It’s just…” you try to nod to her question but at the same time you didn’t know if it was ok or not. It was something so unexpected… Something you couldn’t ever imagine… But it did happen… “Ragatha… I have something to tell you…”

Ragatha looked at you with her full attention, still worried about you and almost scared. For some reason her first thought was you could want to break up because you seemed so troubled and scared and like something serious was happening “Ragatha…” you continued “I’m… I’m pregnant… And- I just? I don’t know how it happened? I thought it was impossible… But I’m pregnant and is yours… Ours… We… Are going to be parents…”

Ragatha’s mind almost exploded there for a second. What? How was that even possible? You both- She? And you? HOW? But then again, she remembered you both were in the digital world… She was a rag doll after all which made even less sense for the whole situation. Just the fact a rag doll was talking was impossible so, perhaps, a pregnancy between you both wasn’t impossible either. 

You got worried seeing you got no response for a few seconds, but Ragatha suddenly screamed in joy and hugged you tightly, taking you off the ground in the embrace while snuggling her face against yours. You probably never saw her smile so widely and vibely! You never saw her so happy, jolly! 

She peppered your whole face with kisses while still hugging you “We are going to be parents!!! I can’t believe I’m going to be a mother! We are just going to be the best pàrents and do our best. I’ll be by your side, forever” She smiled, looking at your eyes while she softly and lovingly caressed your cheek. You never saw so much love in her eye before…

Next few days Ragatha was almost your shadow.

Still, if you wanted some privacy of course she respected it, same if you wanted space! She had no problem leaving you some space! But she still wanted to be by your side all times. She wanted to be there for the pregnancy every single second!

Jax couldn’t even get close to you. Ragatha kinda became a bit overprotective of you from Jax. No jokes nor anything on you. You were going to be well protected for quite some time. 

Best caretaker of you. If you throw up she’s pulling your hair so softly you can’t even feel it. She’s there with you every single morning, hugging you and comforting you, caressing your back to help you calm down

And expect A LOT of kisses everyday. She’s so happy to have this adventure with you <3

Pregnancy and childbirth is a lot to write here though so it could be another request or story someday <3

CAINE

Caine always looks at you with puppy eyes whenever he sees you.

He feels SO LUCKY to have you with him! You wanted to be with him there in the circus and be by his side despite how everyone else were always complaining or wanted to escape

You were the only one who enjoyed his work, his circus and his creations! So he would usually create cute and soft adventures just for the two of them to enjoy

This one wasn’t different, except that you seemed different, nervous…

Caine always struggled a bit to understand human emotions and to catch when something is off, but even he quickly realized something was troubling you during your date-adventure

“Now now, what’s in that sweet head, dear? You’ve seemed a bit lost through the whole adventure! Was it too boring?” He looked at you worried. He really tried his best to always amuse you but sometimes, with such stress, it was impossible to fully enjoy the experience. The weight of the secret was too much. Although it wasn’t a secret, you just didn’t find time through the day to tell him until now

“Caine… I just- It’s not the adventure really… I love it and I love being with you here. But there is something important I have to tell you and I didn’t know when to do it because it’s… Delicate”

“Delicate?” Caine repeated “Well don’t worry honey I’ll be gentle. I just want you to be comfortable with me and enjoy the day” He smiled grabbing your hand against his, softly squeezing them and caressing them with his thumb

“Caine… I’m pregnant…”

Caine’s eyes opened wide, still focused on you. For a second, he thought it could be a joke, that perhaps Jax influenced you to say such a horrible joke. But no, you wouldn’t joke about something so serious and important, and you were worried… You were saying the truth, you were pregnant. And HE was the father?

“P-Pregnant?! But- OH I- I’m so silly! When I touched the codes for the humans I- But, I didn’t think it was possible? At least not with me! But my code is practically as developed as yours here so- OH GOD. I’m going to be a dad!” He jumped into you carefully but hugging you tightly against him “I promise I’ll be the best dad ever and give our kid all the adventures and games they could ever imagine!!!!”

You can’t help but softly laugh from his energetic response. It was a relief to see Caine was so excited to be a dad! You were worried but Caine was living a dream practically! Like in a cloud! Almost, because when he separated from the hug he got so immersed rumbling about all the gifts he could create that he almost levitated away. You softly chuckled grabbing his foot to keep him close to you

That took him out of his thoughts and hugged you again “You just make me the happiest AI of all the worlds!”

Next days Caine is always by your side. He takes his job on the circus a bit more relaxed just to be able to spend more time with you. He still cared for the circus and created adventures for the rest of course, but now he dedicated more time for you

The adventures were a bit more chilled as well. Calmed. Nothing that could ever get you hurt. And he was always close to you

Much like Ragatha, he was like a shadow. But he had some more troubles to leave you space because he really wanted to be by your side no matter what. Still, would respect you and give you space whenever you asked

He would often babble about things he could do for your kids to give them a good life there. He wanted your opinion and wanted to create something wonderful.

In fact, he started to create a room for the baby pretty soon! It was like free Ikea, no matter what furniture you wanted he would create it

More about the pregnancy and childbirth could be written but that would make the post too long so that’s perhaps for a different ask/request <3

#vickart #tadc jax #jax tadc #jax #the amazing digital circus #the amazing digital circus jax #jax the amazing digital circus #jax x reader #tadc x reader #ragatha x reader #caine x reader #the amazing digital circus x reader #tadc ragatha #tadc caine #the amazing digital circus caine #the amazing digital circus ragatha

[thymeebutter]

A few fun examples of things that probably should have ticked parents off towards my autism:

(!! Feel free to share with your own!!)

Having a comfort blanket, and when it was suddenly taken from me and thrown away after years and years with it, I completely shut down until it was replaced and I had adequate time to mourn. (Didn't do anything for over a week, like barely ate and just cuz I was fed)

Being so confused about the order of things and how you were supposed to do them, to where my mom got fed up and just printed and laminated step by step flow charts and guides for things like getting dressed, showering, brushing my hair, ect

Constantly stimming

Learning disability squad ✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️💜✨💜✨💜 (dysgraphia specifically, effects my ability to put things in my head onto paper, my handwriting is atrocious, spelling is not good, I don't know how to write or type in proper grammar I just use speech to text, also writing hurts my hand a lot. Might ask why I don't type, I have a very difficult time putting things onto screen as well, I like speech to text because I can just say my thoughts and it cuts out the sucky middle man)

Refused to learn vowels and cursive, got extremely mad when I was shown algebra, calmed down when I realized there wasn't actually writing words involved

Was part of the "advanced group" of one other person in 5th grade and was learning algebra. (Definitely wasn't in advanced classes through high school though, those teachers were a lot less accommodating towards my learning needs so I got majorly behind in everything)

Loyal to a fault with friends, and was often taken advantage of and lied to

Obsessed with eggs, specifically deviled eggs, would go to every single neighbor on the street that I had been introduced to, and try to trade them pictures of their pets for eggs (it worked with two of them and I would routinely visit for more deviled eggs loll, I got inevitably caught when I would just put the unprotected egg into my pocket to save for later and made a mess) 😭

Didn't know how to approach people or play with them, at literally any age. Only didn't stand out majorly because on my first day of kindergarten a girl ran up to me and said that we were now friends and basically guided me through everything lol. Honestly looking back I think she just had fun bossing me around but I wasn't against it or anything, it helped me not stand out too much.

Would interrupt class to tell teacher that a poster (often times cartoon drawings) had incorrect gravity, physics, anatomy, ect, and would completely miss the point that it's a cartoonized version

Did not understand really the concept of sharing and what belongs to who for a good while

Told my mom that when I was an adult I was going to buy a hundred erasers to just chew on throughout the week, was told that this was a good idea, now I have chewy toys lol

Also remarkably too obsessed with pet toys, still am tbh, The crinkles and bells and squeakers are fun, what can I say?

Learned to "pretend play" when my parents were watching, but would just do my own thing otherwise and play with things in a very nerdivergent way.

Had very bad depression and anxiety since at least 4th grade

Literally my only other friends were either kids who just adopted me as a friend suddenly (99% of them took advantage of me), or were also disabled in some way and ostracized

OBSESSED with my little pony and having wings

Once I got slightly older and got unrestricted internet access, became even more obsessed with fallout Equestria (I have the fancy leather bound golden embossed print I'm so happy) (I want the project horizons one too)

Would very very obviously mirror people around me, typically adults, they thought I was just being funny

Very bad with volume control, would be extremely loud, then extremely quiet, then wouldn't respond at all. Parents didn't care as long as it wasn't the loud one since they were tired with younger siblings.

Taught myself to read because my mom was too slow, was reading Nancy Drew at 4 (I don't actually know if that's the normal age)

Could read well in my head, had extreme difficulty putting the words together out loud

My favorite blanket was two pieces of fabric tied together, and when I was overwhelmed I would untie some of it and then retie myself inside of it and hide in there for hours

Would retreat to small dark spaces like closets and under beds, parents didn't care cuz I was out of their hair

I grew up on my Little pony and a VeggieTales, so I was very over the top expressive when I was younger since I was copying the shows I liked, didn't mean I would pull the red expressions at the right time though, people just figured I was funny

Would walk directly behind people I liked and trusted, constantly got yelled at by my mom for stepping on her heels

Would get extremely upset if anyone was behind me more than once or for more than 20 seconds

Always felt like a really bad kid, and like I was really stupid for just having a different brain

Very clearly not a cishet kid, not an exact trait of autism itself, but autistic people are more likely to be LGBTQ+

Was extremely good at reading in my head, but extremely upset when I was told to read at the same speed and level out loud. There's like a disconnect in my head that makes it hard putting words in my head or from paper(extremely bad at reading out loud) into vocal noise that is coherent

Took things very literally (very fun story! Was bad with personal space, and when I was about 10 my parents realized that I wasn't just trying to be cute, I was told to stay an arm's length away from everyone at all times. Later that day, A pregnant lady at our church feels a tiny hand on her tummy, thinking that I must be curious about her baby she excitedly turns to me. I am glaring, and when I see her looking at me I explain that I was told to keep an arms length away at all times, but I was very frustrated because I was still somehow doing it wrong??????? She found this very hilarious, and found me years later to tell me the story, apparently it's one of her favorites so that makes me happy at least. I did definitely get in trouble though rip)

Book I like? Reading it cover to cover over and over until I can tell you what happens on every page

Tried to show interest in other people and bond with them by info dumping on things I liked and then waiting for them to do the same, sometimes this worked out very well, other times it did not and I may or may not have thought that my dad hated me all throughout middle school because he did not show interest in the same way and neither of us understood.

Bonded a lot with my dad though as a kid through both getting hyper fixated on the same LEGO game, he would play and be very strict about anyone interrupting his focus or making noise, and I would sit and watch for hours without moving, it was pretty chill

Terrible at telling when I was hungry or thirsty

My first memory is signaling for a parent to fill up my sippy cup, and my dad did. Except when I took a drink, it was lukewarm! I was disgusted and even though I needed water and felt bad physically I refuse to drink. Now I'll drink lukewarm water if I have to I guess, like if I have a bad headache and need to take meds.

Got low-key hyperfocused on dork diaries in either fourth or 5th grade for a bit, taught myself a chunk of calculus, scored way too high on my computer state testing and gave my teachers way too high math expectations :p. Forgot everything within a week because I got re-obsessed with mlp

Got in trouble for giving rude looks a lot, turns out I was just either giving too much or too little eye contact, I figured out that you could counteract this a bit by complimenting people, because a lot of people like when younger kids compliment them

Did not at all realize that I was bullied until I entered middle school and the kids were a lot more obvious about it, even then I was very dense to most of it and still kind of am

Bad at telling when things hurt, had a terrible ankle that would constantly give out, and because I wouldn't be able to tell it hurt or wouldn't be able to react appropriately to the pain I would just be told to walk through it. Whenever I ended up hurting myself I would always hope that no one saw so I could just continue playing, unfortunately when the kid is covered in blood that's kind of a red flag and you get sent to the nurses office and then to the doctors or home loll

Also related, I was not very good at acting sick when I was sick, so teachers wouldn't believe me. I would tell them very straightforward that I was about to throw up and I guess I wasn't acting the part because they would tell me not to lie. Jokes on them I guess, or the janitor. Poor janitor ya'll deserve more love

Took people seriously, whenever I was told to figure things out on my own or do them myself I would, even if I ended up extremely hurting myself. I would always get scolded for not asking help but I would be so confused cuz I was told to do it on my own

Later in elementary school I was very bad at playing the games everyone else played, especially the pretend ones since I didn't really get the rules or what was going on, but my best friend was really popular so I just followed her around and she vouched for me (once again, someone who just adopted me as a friend, still friends now and we like to joke that she's stuck around me too long and has just gotten used to it all lol)

Final fun fact, was told when I was 15 by my bio mom that she always figured I was "somewhere on the spectrum"(depending on her mood she used the r slur >:/) but didn't want the family to have to deal with the ~stigma~ . Like wow, feels great but y'all knew something was up with me but never thought to even talk to me about it because you didn't want to look bad to others. Also this was completely unprompted lol.

#late diagnosed autistic #autistic experiences #actually autistic #autistic traits #autistic childhood experiences #how did no one notice this

[1moreoffkeyanthem]

Will I be projecting this into a South Park fanfiction at some point probably very sorry in advance to either Kyle or maybe Tweek but tbh I gotta rant real quick about my supremely awful day

(Cut for both severe anxiety and possible eating problem triggers)

So like I act and stuff right. Low budget independent shorts, projects for the local film school, things of that nature. And I had a shoot today for a class that’s essentially focused on filming an 8 page script in 12 hours, teaches the students professionalism, all that.

I woke up anxious for reasons I couldn’t pinpoint, wore Kyle socks under my costume for powers, figured I’d be okay once I got into the swing of the shoot. I was not. There was this chunk of very specific scientific dialogue that I just COULD NOT get to come out in the right order, and what did my bitch ass brain do? Fucking spiraled with it. Which made talking harder, which made the “YOURE A FAILURE YOURE A FAILURE” internal dialogue worse, and it continued. And I had a goddamn panic attack on the soundstage.

I wound up shaking in the green room literally crying, someone had to go get my husband from the editing suite because they didn’t know what to do, I could HEAR the professor talking to his class about “when talent has emotional problems during production it’s important not to let them know they’re holding up the shoot”, and the worst part? This was less than an hour before we broke for lunch.

And I’ve vagued about this before, but I’m a recovered anorexic. About five years ago, I did the whole outpatient thing or whatever, was in therapy for a while for it, almost had to drop out of college for it, all that shit, and for the most part I consider myself to be fine now. But that mentality pops up every once in a while, and that shit is AWFUL.

The AD called for lunch, and my first fucking thought was “you don’t fucking deserve to eat you worthless piece of garbage”, and like NO BRUH TF?!? Having a goddamn stroke on set is literally no reason to punish yourself, like if anyone else was having a gnarly anxiety day I would absolutely be encouraging them to take it easy on themselves, hydrate and eat, whatever they need, so how fucked up is it that I couldn’t do that for myself. I did wind up having a slice of the college film student set staple that is little cesars cardboard ass pizza bc Opposite Actions, but it was a huge mental struggle.

It’s definitely worth noting that NO ONE was nasty to me about my breakdown, at least not to my face, even though I was completely fucked in the head afterwards for the remainder of the shoot. I’ve worked with a lot of these people before, they know me and know it was just a bad day, and one of the girls I worked art department with on a previous feature was script supervisor for this one, and she came into the green room and sat with me, stopped me from biting at my fingertips because I hadn’t realized I was making myself bleed, kept me from hyperventilating until my partner got there. The director got with his team to work out what footage they could get until I was more steady. The AD checked in constantly for the rest of the shoot. The other actor was incredibly sweet and shared anecdotes from his stage acting days to cheer me up whenever I’d get anxious over a missed word in a take. No one was a dick to me. At all.

Except myself.

I don’t like to consider myself mentally ill, despite the fact that I know there’s no shame in it; I’m diagnosed with anxiety and depression, plus the whole eating disorder thing, obsessive compulsive disorder, I’ve been told I should get evaluated for autism (tbh yeah probably) like yall I’m a fucking disaster. But no one, NO ONE will ever be as hard on me as I am on myself. Also, it was a student production the Friday before spring break. They cut shots and wrapped early because nobody wanted to be there.

If you can step back and put shit In perspective, it helps. Unfortunately I’m very bad at that.

Very sorry for the rant being a person is fucking stupid but at the end of the day I love helping people tell the stories they want to tell and also wearing south park socks under my 1950s scientist costume.

#anyway back to the regularly scheduled pce being feral abt her favorite boys #my day sucked fucking ass and now I’m going to try and find style whump that I haven’t read yet #I’m a walking disaster #it’s fine #I will almost certainly not find any #personal #very sorry to anyone who reads this that may be triggered by both Ed thoughts and anxiety that’s not my intention #also shoutout to the boom op who gave a Tylenol and said *ARE YOU A FUCKING SNAKE* when I draw swallowed them

[plumroseiswriting]

SOME LORE FOR THE BOYS AND THEIR ADHD This will have a lot of text I'm sorry

All the boys in my AU have adhd, Donnie is the only one Splinter knows for sure is autistic as well but tbh Leo and Raph probably are too. Their adhd also affects them all very differently.

Mikey is very classic adhd where his brain just never stops and he tends to ramble. He SEEMS very random but he’s had a full conversation in his head that ties whatever was being talked about to the off topic subject he’s currently ranting about. He’s got very little volume control and is easily distracted. Unlike most Mikey’s though, it’s not an excuse used for why he’s “dumb” Mikey is very smart! Just not in the same ways as the others. He has more common sense than Donnie, better at planning than Raph, and more self confidence than Leo. His main issues are linked to his mind just never shutting up and acting before he's fully thought the action through which makes him erratic and impulsive. He has a terrible memory, much MUCH worse than any of the others. He rarely knows what's going on around him simply due to his mind wiping itself every few minutes(this gets better the more he actually HAS to be aware of his surroundings) This leads to a lot of babying from the others that he genuinely hates. He also has a lot of sensory issues such as his inability to handle being barefoot and extreme claustrophobia when wearing tight clothes.

Raph’s adhd causes rejection sensitivity dysphoria to the point even minor comments or completely innocuous conversations register as hate filled and angry and he just about always assumes he's in trouble even when no one has indicated he is at all. Which then leads to him getting in trouble because he starts fights. He’s almost constantly in emotional overload because of this and is the number 1 reason he developed anger issues in the first place. Unlike Mikey who’s brain never shuts up, Raph has a very hard time thinking and is a slow processor. He's the only one with dyslexia which has left him almost unable to read (Mikey and now April i suppose are the only ones that know this) which only fuels his self hating tendencies and stress spirals. It has manifested into a deep depression and passive suicidal thoughts that have only gotten worse with time that is unintentionally exacerbated by Splinter. He has a very addictive personality due to a desperation for dopamine which has caused a lot of self loathing. The combination of anger issues, depression, rsd, probable autism, and just general trauma he eventually develops a personality disorder.

Leo’s adhd manifests mostly in an extreme anxiety disorder and insomnia/delayed sleep phase disorder. Just like most Leo’s he's a people pleaser because he desperately doesn’t want to be viewed as a nuisance or incapable. He’s also not very good at speaking clearly, words and meanings get scrambled in his head which is why Raph often feels blamed for things that go wrong even when that isn't what Leo is trying to tell him. He has an uncanny ability to unintentionally put blame on others because he just NEEDS to be the one everyone likes and trusts(which means Raphs distrust of him hurts a lot more than the others are aware of) Due to this need to be needed he's had far too much responsibility put on him by his family and himself. This of course only makes his anxiety worse. He has the same mile a second brain Mikey does but he's not impulsive because again, anxiety. He tries to be doing 3-4 things at once just to get his head to stop running away with him and meditation is mostly just him ruminating until he either feels better or about 50x worse. He zones out the most out of them all and has longer hyper fixations than either Mikey or Raph some lasting several years.

Donnie's main issues with adhd are the inability to follow routine combined with his innate need for it. The cognitive immobility that won't let him do things he wants leaving him in a "stuck" state of just sitting and staring or internally yelling at himself for an hour until he manages to force himself up to work. It makes him feel incredibly lazy even though he is almost constantly working or doing something. The only truly "good" thing the adhd gives him is a wealth of creativity beyond any of the others and he focuses all of it on making his toys(special interest) He has rsd as well but it isn't as bad as Raph's(because he almost never actually gets in trouble) but his self worth got placed in his ability to create due to the positive reinforcement from the others. He has anger issues like Raph as well, but they're far more passive and he is more emotionally intelligent so he can redirect when he's actually mad vs another emotion filtering itself through anger. His sleeping issues are slightly self induced but also his ADHD and inability to move from his current task regardless of what it is. His sensory issues are actually less than Mikey's

#tmnt #to the surface lore #to the surface au #adhd brain #tmnt raphael #tmnt mikey #tmnt leonardo #tmnt donatello #tmnt fanfiction #fanfic #tmnt au #au lore #creative writing

[dancing-to-architecture]

11 of 1001 - (officially 1.09% of the way through!)

Today's album: Talking Heads - More Songs About Buildings and Food (1978)

I love me some Talking Heads, but i don't know this album too well (that i know of).

My mom was pretty big into new wave, but this was not one she had.

Thank You For Sending Me An Angel -

Okay i know I've heard this somewhere, likely in the intro to an indie movie or something, but i know this one. Weird lyrics, but i dig it.

With Our Love-

Fun fact: the rising guitar riff is the exact sound of anxiety. Then again, the whole song is (probably?) about the horrorshow that is navigating teenage relationships, so that's... likely why.

The Good Thing-

I want the amount of confidence he had in The Good Thing. Also, i really like how playful the guitar work is here.

Warning Sign-

Underwater synth drumming. Kinda funky. Sounds like he's singing through a toy microphone.

...oh shit. it's an overdose song. It's a really good overdose song, but damn when i got what was going on, the realization of it hit me like a truck.

Very disorienting at the end.. makes sense, though.

The Girl Wants to Be With The Girls-

I mean, that's a lesbian anthem, right there.

Found a Job-

This is a weird one, but, you know what? if it works for Bob and Judy, good for them. Seems a bit manipulative, but if everybody's on board, then go for it.

Also, the "minute and a half long funky as fuck outro" is something more bands should try.

Artists Only-

Oh hey, "how i approach art", didn't see you there.

Kinda dreamy in a strange way, i really dig it. This song begs for a way too artsy video.

I'm Not in Love-

Feels kinda like post-extremely bad breakup depression moping more than anything, tbh.

Return of the minute and a half long funky as fuck outro, though.

Stay Hungry-

Okay, a song this aggressively horny should NOT come right after I'm Not In Love. Bad album layout, imo.

At this point my wife said she'd "never thought of Talking Heads as a jam band before", and yeah they did some meandering on this album.

Take Me To The River-

Well, i know THIS ONE. my dad had one of those goddamn singing fish. He (and he alone) thought it was the very peak of comedy.

oh Jesus, this song is 5 MINUTES LONG?

And dude, I'm sorry you didn't get laid at 16, but damn, neither did i. Sorry, this song (fittingly) just makes me want to drown myself. Never been a fan, and i still kinda want to smash that fish with a sledgehammer.

The Big Country-

Kinda feels like it's about the town i grew up in. Quaint and simple small-town...

...and I wouldn't live there if you paid me. (and not just because it's still full of radium. Like, superfund site level contamination.)

Twangier guitars than i would have expected, but not out of place, considering the topic.

Overall, not bad, but definitely not my favorite Talking Heads album. Had a few songs i really enjoyed, a few that just felt like panic, a bunch i don't care much about one way or the other and will likely not revisit, and one that might be a bit more of a sore spot than i had previously thought.

Favorite Track: either Artists Only or Warning Sign. Both are really good in very different ways and i can't decide.

Least Favorite Track: Take Me to the River.

#1001 albums #dancing to architecture #Talking Heads #More Songs About Buildings and Food

[callivich]

Thanks to everyone who tagged me! Sorry this is late! But here we go….

your name: Calli (or Callie, this is not my real name so I don’t mind how it’s spelled!)

your age: mid 30s ⁉️ (already? Still can’t believe that)

your first fandom(s): Buffy and Angel and Firefly

your current fandom(s): Shameless

how did you first get into fandom?: tbh, I can’t really remember. I know I lurked in one of the Buffy forums so maybe they posted fanfic and fanart in there and that’s how I found fanfiction.net and livejournal and all the amazing different archives there were for Buffy/Angel/Firefly.

how long have you been engaging with fandom spaces?: I was definitely reading fic from like…age 12 but I lurked, I don’t think it was until I was maybe 18 or so….that I got involved in things on livejournal, which means….maybe 16/17 or so years?! I’ve never really thought about this and wow that’s a long time.

how often do you read fanfic?: depends. if I’m not busy, I like to read something every day. if things are hectic, maybe a couple of times a week.

top three characters from your current fandom(s): Mickey, Ian, Fiona.

have you ever written a fic for a fandom? if so, shout it out!: yes! I’ve written 50 fics for shameless (soon to be 51….) And I’ve also written 132 for Star Wars.

have you ever drawn anything for a fandom? if so, drop a link!: Not properly, I did some silly joke drawings on paint which I sent to people. But no. I can’t draw, although I wish I could!

share a personal head canon that you feel very strongly about: Mickey goes to therapy post-finale. Not immediately, but eventually. And it helps him a lot once he gets through the initial hesitancy. I also think he possibly gets diagnosed with depression/anxiety and takes medication for awhile.

you’re trying to convince a friend to get into your current fandom(s) with you, what episode, clip, or scene are you showing them?: honestly, if I like something, I just tell friends to start at the beginning and that’s how they recommend things to me too. Is that boring? 😅 probably but like, I wouldn’t wanna ruin the surprise of how the Gallavich story goes. So I would say it’s a love story of two complex people in difficult circumstances who go on a dramatic journey which has a happy ending.

and finally, what does fandom meant you?: so so so so much. I’ve been in a few fandoms over the years and I’ve had fun but none of them have ever been as great as the Shameless fandom on tumblr. There is so much joy and love and friendship and kindness and talent in this fandom and getting to be a part of it, is so wonderful. It feels like such a safe and welcoming place. Ultimately, I think people should find comfort and love in fandom and that’s certainly what I have felt in the Gallavich tumblr fandom. Getting to explore all sorts of ideas and opinions, engage in fun and creative activities, share and enjoy work….it’s such a special way to spend free time and I do feel like life would be a little less bright without fandom. I just wanna add that you all make me smile so so so much!

#calli talks

[twntyfiveotwo]

i know my fking issue

yes i know. i fking know. i dont care about love. i dont care about who loves me or who i love. all i love is the feeling of being loved. which is why i always become insanely infatuated when i have a dream of me being delicately loved by a face i dont recognise. which is why i lock myself in my memories and reminisce all the good feelings i once had. you see, i know how insane and pathetic it sounds. but it feels good. to know, to remember that i was once loved.

he loved me at a time when i didnt know how to love myself. he loved me at my lowest, when i was so fking depressed and so desperate for love. he was my double edge sword - the cause of my anxiety because i would spend hours with him rather than on things i should do. but also, my safe space. if anything, every night i always always looked forward to our pillow talk with one another. and we would share our vulnerabilities with each other. it feels so raw, yet so real. and the first time he said "i love you" was before we even met each other. i wanted to see him, but i also would rather save myself the look of disgust that would appear on his face because i knew for sure no one would accept my physical appearance. impulsively, we made plans to meet, we booked all our places. and 2 days before meeting, i pushed myself to face my fear and sent him a real time picture of me. he told me, "i'm sorry but i dont think i can continue this". understandable, at least he got the courage to reject me directly.

i travelled as planned. i persuaded him to come down. i said "no strings attached, just come out and we hang as friends if thats ok. i dont have any other company here". he declined. he said he doesnt think it's appropriate. but yet we continued to play games and talked like nothing was wrong. later that night, he told me he was coming down to hang. im like sure, knowing full well how the night would go. we watched a horror movie, and after the movie ended we fucked. as always. allowing my body to be used by a man that doesnt love me. but who the fk cares at this point. the next day i went out with my friends. i left half of my cash with him because he said he was going out and i was concerned that he might not have enough money. we met later at night at a bar, together with my friends. we all drank and played drinking games together. at that point of time tbh fwb was probably the best description for whatever we shared. so we didnt cross each others' boundaries. then as we were going back to where i stayed together, i got tipsy-excited and started doing little skips in front of him. i remember turning back to wait for him, and then walking off side by side with him. as we were about to cross a road, he held my hand. i didnt dare to hold back. i just thought to myself, "what a kind gesture. he is probably worried for me because im drunk and he wouldnt want me running across the road". what caught me off guard was that he didnt let go even after we crossed the road. he continued to hold my hand as we walked all the way back to our accomodation. and when we were back, we fucked again. after the fucking, i asked him, "does this mean that we are back together?" he said, "what do you think?" i said "i dont know" he questioned me, "do you want us to be back together?" and i said, "yea". he nodded his head. i asked him, "what is it that made you want to reconcile?" he said, "im not sure either". i assumed it was cause i happened to be convenient.

or maybe not. because if it was just out of convenience he didn't have to be so sweet to me:

i still remember how we ran under the sudden downpour when we were walking to one of our karaoke sessions. we both ended up being soaking wet. but the first thing he did was to make sure i was alright. he tried to wipe me dry, despite how much of a mess i was. if that wasnt romance, idk what is.

i still remember how excited he looked when i came down from the bus during my second trip. and when we arrived at our hotel, i found it hard to use the toilet because i couldnt stand floor with small tiles. he offered and asked me to stand on his feet despite my size. if that wasnt romance, idk what is.

i still remember how much of a crowd there was during new years eve. and there were all those annoying fuckers that would horn the new year trumpet right in front of our faces. i was overwhelmed. the moment he noticed that, instead of leading me from the front, he walked behind me and cupped my ears as we walked through the crowd. if that wasnt romance, idk what is.

i still remember how there was one time he went out with he friends to drink. he called me when he was drunk and started crying, saying that he missed me. if that wasnt romance, idk what is.

i still remember on my third trip there, he squeezed in a part time job shift just so we can use some extra cash for our date. if that wasnt romance, idk what is.

i still remember how we climaxed together for the last sex that we had, and i guess it felt really good for him. when we were showering together, he looked at me with those googly eyes. i shyed away from it, and asked him why was he looking at me like that. he said he found me cute. if that wasnt romance, idk what is.

i still remember how he came back from his pt shift way past midnight and craved for some cold beer. i offered to go down to buy by myself cause he said he was tired. i went to the convenience store and snapped a pic asking him if that was the correct beer. he called me and asked me where was i. i said the convenience store. he said "stand there, im coming down. when i asked you to go down and buy i meant the front counter of the hotel, not the convenience store! do you know how dangerous it is for you to go out alone this late at night?" and when he reached, the first thing he did was to check up and down that i was alright while holding on to my shoulders. despite being tired. if that wasnt romance, idk what is.

but so what. so fking what. all the moments above didnt change the fact that he ghosted on me. he could have said something if he wanted to break up. maybe my anxious attachment style made it hard for him to breathe. but say something darling, i would have let you go. because truth be told, neither of us were made for long distance r/s. i want to believe that there were some pocket of moments when he loved me. actually, you know what, i do believe there were some moments that he loved me. but i guess, the love was not enough for us to overcome the struggles of a ldr. not that it matter, because this r/s is long over.

but thanks, i guess. he made me feel loved during a time when i didnt think anyone was capable of loving me. and while the rs was short lived, it was one of the sweetest rs i had. in fact, listening to the songs he shared to me & reliving through all these memories made me feel like wow, i actually once had a novel-like romance. so, thanks for that i guess. i still miss you sometimes, why wouldnt i. but boy, the heartbreak you gave me at that time. it drove me insane. but since when does love not drive me crazy. it always does.

[eirian-houpe]

TMI Tuesday

Welcome to November!

Phew, it’s been a while, right back at the beginning of October to be precise.  Honestly, work has been kicking my arse, and I’ve been too mentally exhausted to do more than come home and play mindless video games. Well, not quite mindless, but...

Anyway, with a new month (and a new year for me), I’m going to see what I can do to change that.  I have my new office furniture (and it helps me feel like a grown up at work), and of course it’s November, and we all know what that means, right...?

NANOWRIMO!

I’m going to participate again this year, like every year, but I’m not going to - or try not to anyway - get bent out of shape if I don’t keep up. The link above will take you to the site in case you feel like signing up to join me.  I will be making my daily progress posts - going to try and be creative about it this year.

With that, I’m also going to try and shake things up a bit here, so that I don’t keep repeating myself day after day. So TMI Tuesday will be a bit of a ‘behind the scenes of Eirian’ kind of thing.

Like I said, work has been kicking my arse. I work as a special education teacher in high school, and as you can imagine the beginning of ANY school year is busy, but considering that I am the only member of a new team that was at my school last year, the other team members are looking to me for guidance a lot of the time.  I don’t mind that, and it’s a great time, but it does mean there’s a lot, a lot, a lot to do.

In other news, and probably related tbh, the twin orcs of depression and anxiety have also been doing their fair share of arse-kicking. Now though, I’m kicking back. Does it mean that I am (grudgingly) embracing ‘the list’ - you bet it does. I’m just hoping there are folks who are willing to remind me to be kind to myself on the days I don’t get to the end of the list. Full disclosure - the monster in my head that gets on my case when I DON’T get to the bottom of a list is why I am super resistant to list-making.

Those I guess are the negatives.  So the positives...

I recently officially took over stewardship (and I like to put it that way) of A Monthly Rumbelling. I have learned to make moodboards - and I love it! 

I have an amazing husband, and my Tumblr family are awesome as well. (You know who you are!)

Writing wise, I want to be working on Disparate Pathways, and after that, I am not sure which fic I will go to for focus, and of course, just because I have a focus fic, doesn’t mean I don’t also work on other fics as well - or at least that’s my intention, so... why not drop me an ask and let me know what you’d like to see updated.  If you drop me an ask like that, I’ll give you a tidbit for the named fic.  How’s that for a fair exchange?

Otherwise, here are some other suggestions for you...

Ask suggestions

Ask something about any of my fics (full list is below the cut). If you want specifics from some fics that are already outlined, you can ask about:

Disparate Pathways, Chapters 46 through 56 All Our Past Mistakes, Chapters 11 through 44 Lover’s Leap Series, Stories 15 through 31 Time’s Curse, Chapters 4 through 10 Laer o Faen, Chapter 27 & 28 Stargate: Atlantis, Harms Way or any of the 20 fics in the series.

Ask something of any of my characters in general or you can get really specific if you like - for example you might want to ask Gold from Pawn Shop a question about a chapter, a thought, a feeling… (the world is your oyster really)

Ask about my process as a writer, what makes me tick,, or even ask about me personally. Almost nothing is off limits.

Also, if you want to see a specific character or fic featured in Three Things Thursday, or Saturday Secret, feel free to send in prompts, if no one does, then either the choice will be random or they just won’t happen at all. I made an analogy for why that might be in a different post about a car stuck in the mud with spinning wheels. Those wheels are still spinning!

Please remember: if you read a fic you enjoyed on AO3 or on Tumblr (not just mine), please take the time to comment and/or leave kudos, and to reach out on TMI Tuesday. It means a lot to the writers and artists.

You can find all my fics currently on AO3 here, and there is a full list under this cut.

Storybrooke’s Best Kept Secret - Rumbelle

Darkness In Hyperion Heights - Woven Beauty au

Seven Tastes - Rumbelle

Tuesday - Rushbelle AU

The Language of Flowers Series - Rumbelle

Disparate Pathways - Rumbelle AU

Scattered - Rumbelle AU

All Our Past Mistakes - Rumbelle AU

What the Actual Fuck! - Sutherelle

Breathe - Rushbelle

The Lover’s Leap Series - Rumbelle

Awakening - Rumbelle

War Is Coming To Storybrooke - Rumbelle

Given No Choice - Rush

Thoughts On A Happy Ending Series - Rumbelle

Darker Hearts Series - Wish!Rumbelle

Modern Wonders - a OUAT/Alice crossover

Time’s Curse - Rumbelle

The Pawn Shop On Main Street - Rumbelle

The Mansion On the Edge of Town - Rumbelle with a side of Jefferson

Cobra: In Your Prayers - Cobra/FatWS/UC:Undercover et al

To See Series - Rumbelle

Nobody Knew (Bingo) - Rumbelle

Secret of the Seas - Rumbelle AU

Butterfly and Phoenix - ST:DSC

Laer o Faen - Tolkien

Ship’s Rats - ST: DCS

I Amar Boe Men Heb - Tolkien

Coming Down - Halt and Catch Fire

Armor of Ice - Halt and Catch Fire

Duath i-Achas Eriol - Tolkien

Balance of Terror - Sleeper Cell

What To Believe - UC: Undercover

If: In The End - UC Undercover

Precious - The Mummy Series

Forbidden - The Mummy Series

Power Is - The Mummy Series

Angel of the Heart - The Mummy Series

Star of the Morning - The Mummy Series

Not Yours To Keep - Foundation (TV)

No Saving Throw - Stranger Things

Here are fics that haven’t yet been started, but are in the Muse’s bucket.

The Miner’s Day Festival - Rumbelle

Aftermath - Rumbelle (with a side of madness)

Saving The Dark One (WT) A twist on a twist of Rumplestiltskin.

Brought To You By The Color… (Red)

Calcul(us)

(In)consistent equation

The Boston Storybrooke Line

Breaking the Waves (Movie AU)

ILP (or IEP) for Rumple.

One Last Wish

In Service to My Son

Playground Games

Bright Eyed and Bushy Tailed

“Only Remembered For What We Have Done.”

Librarian: UC

Exquisite Harmonies

#rumbelle #TMI Tuesday #send asks #send me asks #ama #ask me anything #feel free to prompt me #nanowrimo2022

[shiftingparadise]

Hello ley! I hope you're good. I had a really bad day tbh and I've been feeling nothing but depressed and empty since the moment I woke up 😔 I was hoping if your requests are open, could you please write a fluff+ smut AU where reader is also going through a shitty day, and even when Levi (her boyfriend) tries to comfort her she lashes out, but eventually comes to Levi and apologizes. She embraces Levi, tells him how much she loves him and asks if they can have sex. Levi agrees and in order to make her feel better does the whole process smoothly and passionately. When they reach their climax reader cries under Levi and asks him "Never leave me alone" you can decide the rest.

Hi sweetheart, I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling depressed. I want you to know that you can always message me if you want to talk about it (this applies to everyone!). Whatever you're going through, just know that you're not alone. I suffer from anxiety and depression as well, and believe me when I tell you that I know how bad it can get. I really hope you'll feel better soon, and please, I can't stress this enough, you can always message me. I maybe don't know you, but I don't want you to go through something like this alone <3

So with that being said, I hope you enjoy reading this! I never really wrote smut before (I think?), so I'm kinda feeling insecure about this one, but I did my best and I hope you like it anyway 🥺.

Word Count: 3494

You were staring at the ceiling, waiting for your alarm to go off. It was one of those nights where you couldn’t sleep, when your thoughts were filled with worry. You could feel negativity cluttering your mind, slowly making its way to your heart. With every breath, you could feel the pressure on your chest getting heavier. You tried to ignore the feeling, but it was part of you. There were times you felt good, really good, but there were also times when you couldn’t even get out of bed. You still hadn’t figured out how to cope with the bad times, but you tried your best, that was all you could do.

You could feel your phone buzzing, it was a text message from Levi:

‘Good morning. Hope you slept well. Do you want to have dinner at your favorite restaurant, or do you want to order some pizza? You can choose. I’ll see you tonight x’.

‘Ugh’, you threw your phone at the end of your bed. Whenever you felt like this, you just wanted to be left alone. Levi often tried to make you talk, encouraging you to communicate with him about your feelings, but you couldn’t. Whenever you felt like this, you pushed Levi away, hiding behind the walls you built to protect yourself. ‘I’ll answer later’, you sighed, heading towards your bathroom. You wanted to take a quick shower before going to work.

After you showered, you decided to skip breakfast, so you could visit your favorite coffee shop before going to work, hoping it would cheer you up.

‘Hi’, you smiled at the barista, ‘I would like to have a cappuccino with a piece of chocolate cake’. After a minute, you could hear the barista calling out your name. ‘There you go’, she smiled at you while handing it to you, ‘Thank you’, you smiled back at her.

You started walking towards your work, but suddenly you could feel someone bumping into you, causing you to spill your coffee all over your clothes, leaving a brown stench on the white shirt you were wearing. The guy didn’t even say sorry, instead, he kept talking on the phone while walking away from you.

‘This is great’, you grunted to yourself, ‘Okay calm down. Try to make the best out of it’, you closed your eyes while taking a deep breath, ‘It’s nothing, just a stain. I’ll keep my jacket on at work and no one will notice’.

When you arrived at work, you could see a pile of paperwork stacked on your desk with a note on top of it: ‘Ymir’s ‘sick’ (probably just a hangover... again), need you to fix her mess’.

‘Fucking Ymir’, you picked up the pile, placing it next to your computer. Your phone buzzed, another text from Levi: ‘Everything okay? Haven’t heard from you since yesterday evening. I’m worried’. You replied with: ‘Pizza sounds good. See you tonight’.

You had to work overtime because of Ymir’s paperwork. It was already dark outside when you left.

‘Finally, home’, you opened the door of your apartment, placing yourself on your couch. Your phone started to ring.

‘Hi Levi’, you sighed, ‘Yes, I’m home, had to work overtime’, ‘No, I want to be alone, sorry’, ‘Because’, ‘Levi please’, ‘I’m going to hang up the phone, see you tomorrow’.

You hated yourself for acting so distant, but you couldn’t help it. You wanted to be miserable alone. Most of all, you didn’t want to ruin Levi’s mood. You knew how worried he would get when you felt depressed.

You walked to your room, took off your dirty clothes, pulled on an oversized sweater, and laid down in bed. You didn’t even put your shirt with the coffee stain in the laundry, you didn’t care. You curled up with your pillow in between your thighs, staring at the wall. Suddenly, you could hear someone knocking on the door of your apartment. You closed your eyes, ignoring the knocking. You weren’t in the mood to see someone.

‘I know you’re here Y/N’, you could hear Levi’s voice, ‘Open the door. I’m worried sick’. You sighed, you really didn’t want to see him right now. ‘Stop ignoring me please’. Levi’s hand was resting next to the door, his head hanging low, ‘I just need to see you, I need to be sure you’re okay’.

‘Whatever’, you murmured to yourself while getting out of bed, walking to the door. ‘I’m fine, Levi’, you opened the door. ‘I know you’re not kid’, Levi’s eyes met yours, his hand was still pressing against the wall next to the door. He was holding a bag in his other. ‘I just want to be alone’, you looked at the ground. ‘I don’t want you to be alone when you feel like this, so I got some take-out, and I bought some of your favorite snacks’, Levi held out the bag. ‘I don’t want any of that Levi, just leave me alone’, you closed the door, but Levi quickly placed his foot between it. ‘Y/N please, don’t push me away like this. I want to help y-‘, ‘I don’t want to see you right now, Levi! I just want to be left alone, is that so fucking hard to understand?’, you yelled at him. Levi was taken aback when he heard you raising his voice at him, you had never done that before. ‘I only want to help’, Levi almost whispered, ‘Well, you’re only making it worse! You always do’, a lump had formed in your throat.

You didn’t understand why you said that. Levi always made everything better. You knew how lucky you were to have him. He was so patient with you, showing how much he cared about you every single day.

‘Y/N please’, Levi’s voice still sounded calm, ‘No, go away, I told you I didn’t want to see you today’, ‘I’m not going anywhere’, Levi pushed you aside, walking towards your kitchen. ‘You don’t have to talk to me, but I’m not going to leave my girlfriend alone when she’s feeling like this’, Levi placed the bag on your kitchen counter. ‘I want to be alone’, you walked towards him, ‘Just fucking leave. I don’t need your stupid snacks, or your pity’. ‘You’re so hard to deal with, you know that?’, Levi looked at you with his cold gaze, both of his hands leaning on the kitchen counter, ‘Any other girl would love it when her boyfriend took care of them when they felt down, but-’. ‘Go find another girl, I won’t stop you’, tears streamed down your cheek, ‘The door’s right there, just go already. You’re going to leave me anyway’, you stormed to your room, locking the door behind you. ‘I’m sorry I feel so depressed all the time, I’m sorry you’re together with someone who doesn’t feel a thing, who can’t even see how good her boyfriend treats her, but you don’t know how it feels. You don’t know what it feels like to wake up with a hole in your chest, a hole that grows bigger every single day’, you could feel you were getting an anxiety attack, ‘No one understands me’, you cried out, falling onto the ground, ‘I feel so fucking lonely and sad, but at the same time, I feel nothing. I don’t feel your love, I don’t feel the warmth of your skin when I’m like this, I don't feel anything, just emptiness'.

‘Y/N?’, Levi softly knocked on your door, ‘No, leave me alone!’, you were sitting against the door, knees tucked against your chest. ‘Kid, if you’d let me finish…’, ‘I don’t want to hear it, you’re tired of me’. ‘Tired?’, you could hear him chuckle, ‘I’ll never get tired of you’. ‘You’re lying’, you could taste your tears on your lips, leaving a salty taste in your mouth. ‘I’m not. I was going to say that I love you, no matter how difficult things get, no matter how much you’ll push me away. I’ll always be there for you, even if you don’t want me to. I love how you’re not like the others, how you’re always challenging me to better myself. I just… I feel hurt when you don’t tell me how you’re feeling because it makes me feel useless. I want to be there for you when you feel like this kid, even if I can’t make you feel better. You’re right, I don’t know how you feel, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be there for you’.

You didn’t respond, instead, you slowly opened your door.

‘I’m sorry’, you sobbed. Levi could see the dark trail on your cheeks from your mascara. He saw the bags underneath your eyes, the emptiness in them. Levi always knew when you felt bad, even if you tried to act happy. He could see right through it.

‘Don’t apologize’, a reassuring smile met your gaze, ‘You never have to apologize for how you feel’.

Levi didn’t hug you, didn’t touch you. He didn’t want to force himself onto you. He wanted you to do whatever made you feel better, that was the most important thing for him. The only thing he wanted was for you to be happy again, to smile.

‘I’m sorry that I’m like this’, you placed your hands on his chest, softly tucking at the fabric, ‘I’m sorry that you have to deal with someone like me’. ‘Sorry?’, Levi chuckled while shaking his head, ‘How many times do I have to tell you how lucky I am to have you in my life’. You looked up at him, eyes filled with sadness. You could feel the hole in your chest aching, the emptiness growing stronger, ‘How can you be lucky? Look at me, I’m a fucking mess’. ‘Tch’, Levi could see your hair sticking to your cheek, gently placing it behind your ears, ‘You’re not a mess, and even if you were, you'd still be my little mess’, he smiled at you. A small smile appeared on your face. ‘Ah’, Levi sighed, ‘There’s my girl’, he let his hands rest on your waist, placing a soft kiss on the side of your cheek. ‘I love you more than anything’, you closed your eyes, ‘I love you too kid’.

You didn’t know why, but something about Levi’s voice, the way his hands felt on the side of your waist, the careful, sweet kiss he just placed on your cheek… You wanted more, you wanted all of him.

‘Levi?’, you softly whispered, ‘Hm?’, he was still smiling at you. ‘Kiss me, please’.

Even though you dated for a while, for some reason, you felt nervous. As if it was your first kiss with him.

‘Kiss you?’, Levi frowned, ‘Since when do you ask something like that?’, ‘P-please’, you looked down, tightening your grip around the fabric of his shirt.

Levi slowly moved one hand from your waist. His fingertips traveled across your arm, giving you goosebumps, further moving up towards the side of your neck until his hand met your cheek. His thumb slowly hovered over your bottom lip, softly pulling it down.

‘I’ll kiss you as often as you want Y/N’, his lips met yours. You could feel him pulling away after one small kiss. You quickly placed your hand on the back of his head, pulling him closer again, ‘Don’t stop, please’, you practically begged him.

Levi felt confused. You normally never asked for something like this when you felt down, instead, you’d always asked him to stay away from you. When he tried to show any form of affection, you would normally push him away.

Levi kissed you again, this time more passionately. His other hand moved from your waist to the back of your neck, the other still holding your cheek. Your breathing accelerated when you could hear a quiet moan escaping from his mouth after you softly bit his bottom lip. You placed both of your hands in his hair, gently pulling on his dark hair.

Levi tried to contain himself, but when you started tugging on his hair, he lost it. He didn’t know what you were up to, but you knew how that made him feel.

‘What are you up to?’, he whispered in between kisses, ‘I don’t know what to do. You normally never do this, I don’t want to do anything wrong’. You pulled away, arms resting around his neck, ‘I want you to make me feel good again’, you looked at him with insecure eyes.

This was way out of your comfort zone. You never did anything like this, you never asked him something like this. He normally always took the initiative, you were too shy to do it.

‘Huh?’, Levi widened his eyes. ‘I want you to make me feel good again’, you repeated yourself, voice shaking. He smiled at the sight of you, knowing how nervous you felt asking something like that. Levi’s hands softly wiped away the dark trail of mascara underneath your eyes before gently kissing you again, ‘You sure?’. ‘Please Levi’, you placed your hands on his, slowly guiding them to your ass. ‘No’, he shook his head at you, ‘You asked me to make you feel good, you don’t have to guide me’, he smirked, ‘I know what to do’. He picked you up, gently kissing your neck while walking towards your bed.

Levi gently laid you down on your bed. He tried to contain himself, but the way you talked to him with your innocent, soft voice… It drove him mad. You never did anything like this, so he never knew how much it would turn him on.

Levi crawled on top of you, placing one leg in between yours, causing you to open your legs for him. ‘I’m going to take care of you’, he placed his hand on your cheek while kissing you. You gasped when you could feel his other hand travel to your underwear. ‘Fuck’, Levi groaned when he could feel how ready you were for him, ‘I haven’t even touched you yet’, his gaze met yours. ‘My body just needs you’, you said coyly, ‘And mine needs yours’, he softly kissed you again.

Levi started leaving marks on your neck. He knew how much you loved that, just as he loved the way you sounded when he did that.

‘L-levi’, you whimpered when he moved his hand away from your underwear. ‘Don’t worry’, he smirked, ‘I just need to take your sweater off’.

Levi smiled when he saw you weren’t wearing a bra.

‘You look so perfect’, his eyes were wandering across your body, ‘I want to be gentle, to caress every part of your body… but you make it so fucking difficult for me when you look this perfect’, his hand was gently massaging your breast, causing you to moan under his touch. ‘Shh’, he kissed you again, ‘I haven’t even started yet’. ‘I need you, I need you now’, you rocked your hips into his. You could feel how hard he was for you, ‘Please Levi’, you whimpered, ‘Need to feel you inside me’. ‘D-don’t be like this, please’, Levi desperately looked at you, ‘I want this to be about you. When you beg me like that, I can’t think about anything else but to feel you around me’.

‘B-but I want you, now’, you looked at him with big innocent eyes, ‘I need you, I need you so bad’. Levi crashed his lips into yours before taking off his clothes.

Levi gently placed his hands in yours, guiding them next to your head, his gaze locked with yours. ‘You sure?’, his voice sounded rough. You quickly nodded, ‘Please’. Levi’s lips once again met yours, softly letting go of one of your hands, stroking his cock before letting the tip rest at your entrance. ‘I love you so much Y/N. You’re everything I want and more’. You could feel a couple of strands of his dark hair hovering over your forehead. ‘You’re so fucking perfect’, Levi whispered to you.

You moaned when he finally pushed into you. You could feel butterflies in your stomach, heat rising to your head. ‘Shit’, you whimpered, ‘Y-you feel so good’, you started tugging at his hair, harder than you ever did, 'The way you s-stretch me out, don't know if I can take it'. ‘Stop, please’, Levi grunted out before stopping, ‘I-I can’t hold out for long when you behave like this. I want you to feel good, I don’t want this to be about me’.

You smiled at him. Levi was just too perfect. He tried so hard to take care of you, to make sure you felt good.

‘Please keep goi-‘, ‘No, don’t tell me what to do’, Levi looked at you, ‘I know how to make you feel good’. Levi pulled out, placing kisses on your neck, down onto your stomach. He paused when he reached the sweet spot between your legs. Levi looked at you, he needed to see how much you wanted him.

Levi gently pulled your legs further apart before leaving gentle kisses on your clit. Your legs started to shake immediately, you were so desperate for his touch.

‘Shaking already?’, his hot breath on your clit made it even more difficult for you to keep your composure. ‘Please Levi, I need this’, you could feel the all too familiar knot in your stomach when Levi kept leaving soft and gentle kisses on your clit, ‘You taste so fucking good, I can do this all day’, ‘Just keep going please’.

Levi obeyed. He knew you needed this, he knew your body was aching for it. When Levi could feel you rocking your hips into his face, he knew you were getting close.

‘D-don’t, fuck, don’t stop please’, you were tugging at his hair, trying to pull him closer.

You could feel your walls clenching around his finger, the knot in your stomach disappeared, causing you to pull your legs close to your chest. Your whole body was shaking.

‘Can you take more?’, Levi softly asked when he could see how much you were shaking, placing a soft kiss on your forehead. ‘I need more Levi’, you let your body relax again.

Levi softly placed himself inside you, gently thrusting into you, making sure you could take him, before his thrusts got rougher. Your nails were digging into his back, leaving scratches behind.

‘I’m not going to hold out much longer’, Levi grunted while pushing into you, ‘Please come with me’, he looked at the expressions on your face, ‘You look so pretty while I’m fucking you’, his thumb was caressing your cheek. His other hand moved between your legs, gently drawing circles on your clit, causing you to tremble. ‘I promised I would make you feel good’, his thrusts got sloppier, ‘I need you to be good for me, need you to come for me sweetheart. You arched your back. His fingers drawing circles on your clit, the way his cock stretched you out… ‘I-I’m coming’, you could see fireworks. You didn’t know how loud you were, and you didn't care. You couldn’t keep his name out of your mouth, begging him to fuck you harder. ‘F-fuck, I'm coming too. Keep calling out my name princess’, ‘H-harder Levi, please’, your nails were scratching his back. ‘I want to fill you up, is that alright?’, he left a sloppy kiss on your lips, ‘Want you to take all of me’. You nodded, ‘P-please’.

Levi reached his climax at the same time as you.

‘H-huh?’, Levi widened his eyes when he could see you were crying, ‘W-wait, Y/N? Did I do something wrong?’, his voice was shaking, ‘I-I thought you… Did I hurt you? Please tell me I didn’t do hu-‘, ‘You didn’t’, you covered your face with your hand, ‘Just...', you softly cried, ‘Please, never leave me alone, please Levi. You have to promise me’. ‘W-what?’, Levi quickly laid down next to you, pulling you close to him, ‘I’ll never leave you alone Y/N, never. You’re my whole world’, he placed his chin on the top of your head. ‘Promise me’, you put your arms tightly around him, ‘I promise’.

Levi laid there with you until you stopped crying. When he noticed you’d calmed down, he pulled away from you.

‘D-did I make you feel good again?’, his voice sounded worried. You chuckled in response, ‘Never felt so good in my life. I’m sorry I started crying. You just mean so much to me’. You could hear him letting out a sigh of relief, ‘Stop apologizing, please’, he pulled you close again, ‘I was just worried that I’d hurt you’. Levi started stroking through your hair, ‘What do you say? Want to order some fresh takeout and watch your favorite movie? Maybe I can fill you up a bath when we’re waiting for our food’. ‘Everything’s fine, as long as you’re with me’, you whispered against his chest.

#aot fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #levi x reader #aot levi #levi ackerman #levi x y/n #levi x you #aot x you #attack on titan

[wistfulrat]

a 4-part rec list of my fave drarry fics - the thrillers, dramas, soft bois, and wankbanks getting me through 2020′s shitstorm

[the soft boi list is here and truly i’m not surprised this rec is going to be the longest bc if there’s one thing a bitch is going to do, it’s yearn.

as always! if you love a fic, follow the authors, leave kudos & comments, send them nice msgs bc free art is still labor xoxo]

part 3: soft bois

mood: for when I need respite, a balm to the all-consuming shittiness of life

includes: fluff, comfort, low-stakes, slow-burn fics. a wistful look, a rainy morning, an unexpected grace, a stupidly disarming joke. i could live inside these fics. the smallness of human lives removed from the site of that which hurts & irreparably changes. the story-equivalent of a deep breath after a long day. pregnant silences & pensive mundanity & shy smiles. banter with bite but without the cruelty. the color lavender. weirdly whimsical. soft fics are not necessarily conflict-averse (no drarry fic rly can be, considering the context) but, they offer the reader a generous distance from the initial harm. they’re the quiet cleaning up after a storm. sometimes healing is an exacting surgical knife and other times it’s a slow scabbing. you read these fics to be reassured that the way forward is not always ruthless. and honestly?? they deserve a semblance of peace godDAMmit.

The Way Down by @letteredlettered - 65k - T “and I thought that if someone talked to you as though you were a human being you might—maybe you could act like one” --the way i think about this line daily. the characterization of draco in this fic is one my favorites bc he’s earnest and neurotic and tired of harry’s shit. which is to say, he cares so so much. and harry doesn’t know what to do with that bc he’s got a monster in his chest and lives as a recluse. but they both humanize each other in ways no one else can. “you’re just a person” has to be some kind of drarry ethics of belonging and it makes me CRY. -

Little Deaths and How to Avoid Them by @greaseonmymouth and dustmouth - 96k - T “Maybe it’s not about deserving it? Maybe you just get to have it anyway. . .I’m allowing myself to want something and to let myself have it and to fight for it.” --harry runs a daycare and also works at a library. draco spends a lot of time in said library. they bond over sci-fi books and therapy anecdotes and quiet philosophical conversations held over cafeteria soup. and harry’s struggling to understand his asexuality. draco’s learning how to live with anxiety and depression. they both want to be deserving of love. incredible fic with beautiful art by dustmouth. - 

Open for Repairs by @drarrytrash - 35k - T “A few leaves rustle in the gutter and the muggle world pays no mind to them, to two lost boys holding on for dear life.” --all of their fics feel exactly like this. like you’ve been allowed to look at something private, tender, unexpected. draco, known abba fan, is a repairman in the muggle world & harry can’t stop breaking thrifted things in order to see him? say less, i'm thERE. also “I think I have a crush on you” goddddd  - other faves by them: Counting Down By Ten - 2k - T: draco’s stepped outside of the party for a smoke. harry follows him bc of course he does. i could read this 100 times and not get tired of it. - Clouds That Veil the Midnight Moon - 36k - E: FUCKING HILARIOUS I CACKLED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING. draco’s wolfy problem and harry helping him and harry being flustered by how much he likes draco and draco’s hot heroic moment. shutup it’s perfect. “He almost asks if Draco ever gets tired of being a miserable complaining shit all the time, but he knows that he, personally, never ever gets tired of being a miserable complaining shit.” and “It’s the traumas,” Harry says gravely” --lines that live rent free in my head -

Harry Potter and the Future He Doesn't Really Want, Thanks by seefin - 70k - E “That was the only logical thing to do here, wasn’t it? It was the next step, it was the end of hurting each other and the beginning of the exact opposite.” --harry lives with luna and neville and also he dreams about the future sometimes? and he keeps running into draco. draco thinks this is sus as hell, until he doesn’t. feat. taxi rides, museums, cinemas, rooftop conversations beneath a lunar eclipse, mid-sex innocuous banter, draco and harry discussing nicki minaj. this fic charmed my ass off. seefin writes the most effortlessly hilarious dialogues. i smiled at my phone like an idiot at least 7 times. -  other faves by them: Wild - 93k - E: “he liked feeling needed, for the things that he was needed for back at the house in Ireland. For cooking and gardening and driving. Easy things.” --this shit makes me cry it’s so good. harry lives in Ireland with these three brilliant, hilarious, wandless witches and draco’s a potions student who's come to study under one of the housemates and the boys have so much shit to work through but their love becomes so tender and honest. draco yells at harry a lot and harry lets him and they both keep each other grounded in something real and fuCK.  - Divination for Dickheads - 7k - G: “I’m terrible at having crushes. I’ve never played anything cool a day in my life.” -- oh harry, we knOW. a bus ride, a fortune teller, an aquarium birthday party. god i love this fic. -

Modern Love by @tackytigerfic​ - 61k - E “But we’ve worked so hard at this, haven’t we? Yeah, I know it’s a horror to have to talk about it, but fuck it. We’re friends now, but it took so long to get here. Have you ever had to work so hard at something before?" --the steady blossoming of their friendship in this fic is so goddamn beautiful i want to yell. it’s draco and harry learning to trust each other and the whole thing unfolds so slowly, in this whimsical mix of london streets, wizarding politics, church halls feat. a Hot vicar, and a magical antique shop owner who’s married to literal poseidon?? goD the environment of this fic. immaculate. [also there’s a tender shower scene that makes me cry every single fucking time so if you read this fic pls dm me so we can be embarrassing about it together tbh] -

Nice Things by aideomai - 22k - M “He kept waiting for the weird shock of touch to not knock him clean out of his head, leave him quiet and warm and happy.” --8th year. harry forms an unlikely friendship with draco that begins with smoking weed on a windowsill. harry is touch-starved and draco touches him like he touches all his close friends - like it’s easy. the quiet affection in this fic, the way harry burrows himself into touch bc he’s been without it for his entire life. reading this is like being held. -

Running On Air by @tinyhistory​ - 74k - T “do you remember when we were eleven?” --alexa play coldplay’s the scientist it’s sad girl hours and we’re about to fucking yearn. you’ve seen this fic rec on every drarry list under the sun and i'm here to be redundant. the hype is so goddamn real. this story is a lyrical masterpiece held together by lines that act as refrains that will rattle around your brain until you die, probably. draco’s been missing for 3yrs. harry goes to find him. it’s their odyssey of homecoming. -

Title of Their Sex Tape by @cibeewastaken - 12k - T “But Draco, Draco was everything but boring. Draco made sitting in the rain watching an empty house fun.” --auror partners pining and draco being eccentric and harry being very earnestly gay about draco’s eccentricities!! god this fic is so genuinely fun skskd feat. undercover missions, murderous faeries, a book heist, a stunning navy dress, harry’s eyelashes. -

How We Throw Our Shadows Down by @thistle-verse - 14k - T “Draco is about to say something else— to thank Potter for what he’d done, however poorly— but Harry is smiling at him again, and it’s so soft and perfect that Draco holds in any inadequate words, lest he spoil it.” --draco collects tea cozies and of course harry has the one he wants. the sad and tender gays are at it again feat. conversations in the rain at a train station, melancholy Blaise, muggle photos, wizarding e-bay, the Dursleys.  -

Helix by Saras_Girl - 92k - E “Draco sighs in his sleep and Harry clings on to consciousness, needing to hold on, to give this tiny, insignificant moment the attention it deserves” --I think maybe you can describe every soft Saras_Girl story as giving tiny, insignificant moments the attention they deserve. like, this is an 8th year fic about snails and it’s full of whimsy, grief, compassion, and easy humor. an absolute must-read author in this genre if you want languorous, episodic fics full of distinct OCs and affectionate creatures. - other faves by them: Light up the Night Sky - 98k - M “Draco, sometimes you make my head feel like soup” --the one where harry is a fireworks artist and has a pet chameleon named ken. draco is on the wizarding arts council. they both pine like hell. - Headlights in the Snow - 71k - M “they stare at each other in silence, Harry’s heart beating so loud in his chest that he thinks the biddies must be able to hear it over the sound of their card game.” --the one where draco drives the knight bus and carts around the biddy club, a group of rambunctious old ladies who knit and drink tea and gossip. harry can’t help but fall in love with the everything about this. -

Follow the Water by @xanthippe74 - 38k - T “Harry’s heavy thoughts lift at the sight, like dark clouds blown away from the sun by the wind. The tent doesn’t feel so cramped and stifling now. It feels cozy. And safe. It’s the same feeling that Harry gets when he’s at the Burrow for Sunday roasts, when a group of people who care for each other deeply are crammed into too-small a space.” --harry wanders to the lovegood house on a sunday afternoon. he’s baffled to see that luna’s taken pansy, greg, and draco under her wing. what follows is a summer of forest walks, scavenger hunts, gardening, water fights, odd cakes, faerie rings, and picnics. so many picnics. i love the pace of this fic, the innocent return to childhood things, the way luna brings out the best in all her friends. reluctantly soft slytherins are just *chefs kiss*!! -

Going Postal (A 125pg comic) by dustmouth - T what. a. beautiful. ass. comic. the wizarding fashion, the textures, the character design!! harry travels a lot for his job as a resourcer. draco works in the regulations dept. they pine like a bunch of lovesick idiots via field report notes. god i love dustmouth’s art. -

All the Earnest Young Men by @tepre​ - 29k - E “Draco is twenty-seven layers of personality wrapped up in drama and humour, and a wit so sharp it still stings when he doesn’t see it coming. But there is something below that, too. Something that makes Harry ache just looking at him.” --the way i would lay down my little life for tepre’s characterization of draco, whom invented the word earnest. he’s a magical art theory expert and portraits are disappearing all over London and harry’s the auror assigned to this case. and well. they’re both so very avoidant about how gay they are for each other and it’s like!! shutup and kiss!! which they do in fact, shutup and kiss.  -

Trenches by sara_holmes - 3k - M “Somewhere in the distant part of his mind that hasn't frozen solid, he thinks that maybe he and Draco are about to become more than auror partners, smoking buddies, wine-mates and co-inhabitants of a snow filled trench somewhere in western Scotland.” --the plot line here is literally “it’s cold and i need a fucking cigarette” but let me tell you how I never tire of the shared loaded-silences of two emotionally repressed gays. -

The Years Before Love by lomonaaeren - 13k - M “That’s one of the meanings of peace, he thinks, as Hermione hugs him...That he can do things slowly, softly, without worrying that they won’t be there tomorrow.” --andromeda taking harry under her wing and harry finding solace in teddy. narcissa and draco showing up and the tentative relationships that slowly develop in the quiet calm of andromeda’s house. found families and kisses in the snow and special xmas gifts ugh what’s not to love -

The Moon Looks Lovely Tonight by Omi_Ohmy - 35k - M “I want this to be a house where people are welcome, where they don’t have to be any one way or another” --in which harry collects lost things--owls, best friends, inept bakers, potions experimenters--and turns the mausoleum that is grimmauld place into a home. feat. your fave drarry tropes like shared-beds and reluctant waltzing partners. -

[part 1: thrillers | part 2: dramas | part 3: soft bois | part 4: wankbanks]

#drarry fic rec #drarry fic #soft drarry #OK FINE I RAMBLED BUT WHAT DID WE EXPECT #alexa play futile devices

[butwhyduh]

Jumping

Tim drake x reader

This is during the time that Dick has to fake his own death. I’m also ignoring most of canon tbh. Mentions suicide ideals.

You worried about Tim. I mean, you always had since you met him in a coffee shop and they gave him your order instead of his and all he did was ask for a shot of espresso to go with it. But tonight you were terribly concerned because Tim was so sad that he was dull. His shiny black hair hang limp and his bright blue eyes looked dull and blood shot.

You couldn’t exactly blame him. It was only 2 week before that his brother Dick had died. He hadn’t touched his computer all day but instead sat staring at various places around his apartment. You forced him to eat a very late meal and he took all of 3 bite from his food.

You washed up and went back in the living room for him to be gone.

“Tim? Tim?” You asked. You noticed the window to the fire escape was open. You walked over and shivered at the cold breeze.

He was standing on the edge of the roof and you froze. Your first thought was ‘is he going to jump?’ Your heart pounded as you gently called him and it scared you even more when he didn’t respond.

“Tim? Timothy? Tim, what are you doing?” You said with fear creeping in your voice. There was no way that you could climb the stairs up a level to stop him if he jumped right now. He looked down at you disoriented.

“What?”

“Please step back. You’re- you’re scaring me. Tim, please,” you said and he took a step back but looked bewildered. You quickly climbed the stairs.

“What’s wrong?” He asked in a daze. You pulled him into a hug and farther from the edge. Your body was shaking and he confusingly pat your back reassuringly.

“Don’t scare me like that,” you chided him before mentally kicking yourself. If he was that bad, he needed support not anger. He really didn’t seem to get it.

“What are you talking about? What’s got you so scared?” He finally said clearly.

“I thought- I thought you were going to jump,” you said burying your head in crook of his neck. Your fingers gripped the back of his shirt tightly and you listened to his heartbeat. You might never let go of him.

“Oh shit. I wasn’t- no. I just needed to think,” he said rubbing your hair gently. “Sorry I scared you.”

“It’s okay. I’m just worried. It’s a lot to lose your brother. Maybe you should talk to someone,” you said gently. He looked at you guiltily.

“I’ve been a little too lost in it, hu? Sorry. It’s just that.... I never expected this to happen. He always seemed invincible. He’d jump off the roof with no hooks or nets and swing on light poles before landing on the ground and wouldn’t hurt a thing. He’d take on metas and come out unscathed. That was just Dick, you know?” Tim said after a minute. “Nobody knew how he did it.”

Tim pulled you both to sit on a lawn chair on the roof. Your fingers played with the back of his hair and you couldn’t stop looking at him because you had never been so worried to lose Tim before. He flinched at the sight of how you looked at him. You were genuinely terrified earlier.

“I wouldn’t jump. I wouldn’t do that. Especially not to you,” Tim said and it scared you that you weren’t sure if he meant that he’d never do it or not where you’d possibly see. “Don’t worry. I’m right here.”

You let yourself believe that and you leaned into him, pressing your ear against his chest. His heartbeat calmed you and you listened to it as he rubbed your back. He stared out at the sky and Tim didn’t know how long you were both out there before he noticed that you had fallen asleep. He smiled a little.

Then his next thought was the logistics of getting you down to your bed without waking you. The fire escape wasn’t exactly built for carrying people through. Soft goosebumps were on your arms in the cold and Tim carefully picked you up and miraculously made it back into your apartment. After a few hair raising seconds where he almost smacked your head and feet on a door frame, he managed to get you in bed.

You hands had a death grip on his shirt and Tim was pulled into bed. It wasn’t the worst idea to get some sleep. And he certainly felt that he owed you some peace of mind after he scared you so bad. When was the last time he fell asleep? He laid back and you clung to him tightly.

The next morning you woke up warm. Far too warm. And arm was thrown over your face that you wiggled out from under and another held your back. You stretched your fingers that felt like they had been gripping something all night. The sun was out and Tim was still in bed. You put the pieces from the night before together and looked up at his face.

There was no scowl or wrinkle in his brow. He looked peaceful. His lips had a slight pout in sleep. His face had a light smattering of freckles across his nose and cheeks and his hair had fallen over his eyes. You gently brushed it back to get a better look at his beautiful face. You held the back of his head as light as you could while staring at him. You almost never got this view and you just watched him sleep for a few minutes.

“Isn’t it rude to stare,” he said after a while. You jumped a little and laughed.

“Did I wake you?” You asked.

“No. I think I actually got a full night sleep,” Tim said and he still hadn’t opened his eyes.

“Yeah, we should probably get breakfast,” you said moving to get up. Tim wrapped his arms around you tighter and squished you to his chest. You squeaked.

“Not yet. A few more minutes,” he mumbled almost back asleep. You chuckled and booped his nose. Tim’s eyes flew open. “What was that?”

“Waking you up,” you said and he gave you a fake glare before his arms slowly moved. Then Tim attacked your sides with a tickle. You shrieked and jumped back before he stopped. He smiled at you almost ruefully before gently kissing you chastely. His smile fell when he pulled back.

“I’ve got to go to Bludhaven today. Take care of some of his stuff that he’d want to keep,” Tim said and you frowned.

“Do you need me to go?” You were still worried about him.

“No, Jason is going. Don’t worry about me, okay,” Tim said seriously. “I need to get up because he’ll be here in 30 minutes? Maybe?”

The knock on the door said that his timing was a little off. Tim got up to go answer it. Jason stood there and he frowned as he looked Tim over.

“That’s your clothes from yesterday.”

“I’ve got to change,” Tim said, letting him in. You came out of the room with a sweater over your clothes and smiled at Jason who nodded his head at you. Tim went in the bedroom to change.

“Hey,” you whispered, barely audible. Jason looked at you confused. You hadn’t really interacted much before. “Watch out for him. He’s not okay. Alright?”

Jadon just nodded. “Anything I should know?”

“No. Not really. He scared me last night,” you admitted as you put on a pot of coffee. Jason gave you a look that clearly read ‘do I need to kick his ass?’

“What did he do?”

“He just stood on the roof edge. I thought- I thought he was going to jump,” you whispered and Jason’s face dropped. Tim hadn’t exactly had the most self preservation in his history.

“Shit, seriously?” He said with a sigh. You nodded.

“But he just seemed confused when I found him. I’m worried. Just watch out for him, okay?” You said.

“What are you two talking about?” Tim said walking in the room, throwing on a tie.

“Really? A full suit?” Jason said rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, one of us needs to look like a functional adult in case someone stops by. I can’t exactly wear sweats everywhere as WE’s CEO,” Tim said. You straightened the tie and collar.

“... and then there is you,” Tim said looking at Jason after you were done. “You look like you tattoo out of the back parking lot of a Denny’s.”

“Maybe I do,” he said dryly with a little curl to his lip. “Come on. We don’t want to be late.”

Tim nodded and gave you a kiss and Jason groaned by the door. He gave the ‘come on’ hand gesture. Tim rolled his eyes.

“I don’t know when I’m going to be back. See you later.”

“Bye.”

Half ways down the highway, with Tim as a captive audience, Jason starts to talk.

“How are you doing?”

“Fine.”

“Cut the shit. For real,” Jason said, violently passing a slow car on the highway in his truck. Tim grips the dash and is sure he’s going to die.

“I’m fine. Why do you think I’m lying?” Tim said through gritted teeth. Jason keeps driving roughly.

“Well, your girlfriend thought you were going to kill yourself last night and that isn’t exactly the first thought I’d have if I saw you on the roof. So either she’s being dramatic or you’re acting really off. Which is it, Timbo?” Jason said. Tim never missed Dick more. Jason had the subtly of a butter knife to the gut.

“I might be a little sadder, sure. I mean, my brother died,” Tim said. “Can you drive without trying to kill us?”

“I’m driving fine. Go on,” Jason said, crossing 3 lanes. The squeals of car horns behind them tell Tim he isn’t the only one that doesn’t like his driving.

“I’m gonna die in this car,” Tim muttered. Jason glared at him. “Watch the road! Okay. Fine. I feel numb. Okay? Like I don’t feel happy or sad about anything. And I’m fucking guilty because I should be over the moon because I just moved in with my girlfriend and then...”

“Then your brother died. It’s normal to feel like shit Tim. But to be numb.... you ever think you’re depressed?” Jason asked.

“I don’t know. I have anxiety,” Tim answered.

“You can have both. Is it this exit or the next?” Jason asked two second before the ramp comes up.

“This!” Tim yelped and Jason turned them off to a side road going at least 70 mph. Tim held the dash and considered praying despite being an atheist. Jason finally slowed down enough to not look like he’s driving a getaway car.

“I think you should see a therapist. I can give you mine’s number,” Jason said and Tim quickly turned to look at him.

“I didn’t know you went to therapy.”

“I was tortured, beat to death, and had to dig myself out of my own coffin. Does that seem mentally okay in anyway?”

“I mean, no. But I don’t know,” Tim said with a shrug. He just hadn’t thought about it.

“Anyways that’s not the point. The point is that she’s used to Gotham’s brand of bullshit and will help you. Okay?” Jason said driving into a parking lot and skidding into a space. “If you scare your girl like that again, I’ll knock you out.”

“Yeah. I won’t scare her again. It was an accident. And I’ll talk to your therapist,” Tim agreed. Jason nodded.

“Let’s go do something I’ve been dreading all week. Clean out golden boy’s apartment,” he said with a grimace. And they did. Anything of value was personally taken by the pair. Anything of Nightwing or Robin. Any Flying Grayson stuff. Anything that his brothers had gotten him. A moving service was moving the rest to a storage unit later that day.

Jason sat on the concrete steps outside the apartment and tossed Tim a beer. Tim barely caught it before sitting down himself. Jason pulled out his own.

“Jason, I’ll pay you ten thousand dollars to not drink that before we leave. Can we have this moment at the manor after we survive the drive home?” Tim asked and Jason sighed.

“Sure kid. Dickhead wouldn’t have liked me getting you drunk anyways. Let’s get this stuff back,” Jason said and they both went to the truck.

After dropping off the stuff and talking to Alfred, Tim and Jason were back in the truck. The beers were mercifully forgotten. Jason passed him a paper with a name and number.

“My therapist. You better call them. If not for you, for your girlfriend. You can just talk and shit,” he said not looking off the road. Jason knew better than to think that this kind of thing could be done for someone else. But he also knew it probably only took a tiny push for Tim to get help.

“Yeah, thanks.”

A few hours later Tim sat on his bed with his phone in hand. Yeah, he needed to call them.

#tim drake angst #tim drake x reader #Red Robin x reader #Jason todd is a good brother #dick is dead #batboy x reader

[bleedingspades]

More Then a Minute

Fluff.. with Levi. Yes.

GNR x Levi Ackerman

Tbh AOT can be a little depressing to me. As I think about eren especially. Credit to the pictures owner I just found it on Pinterest if they would like me to remove it I would love to!

Warnings: Maybe a bit of spoilers for newbies. But nothing that gives anything super important away. Tiniest bit of angst. Maybe more then a tiny hehe. Also this is unedited 🥲. 💖💖💖💖

You’re laid in your bed. The sun is shining through the window, curtains flowing with the gentle breeze. With a deep sigh you relish in the peace, you know it’s going to be brief. With everything happening out in the world and what is going to happen, your anxiety has been through the roof. So in this moment you are so thankful. One problem you’re laying alone in the bed. Missing the person you hold closest to your heart.

The ache that flows within you of not having him here is so crippling, but you’re sure he’s ok. Not to mention you’re proud of him. He’s out there fighting for everyone within the walls. Well on this island. Though that doesn’t stop you from wishing he were here back in these walls. For you to hold him knowing he’s safe. Even for just a minute, that would be enough for awhile. He’s been gone for so long, he’s missed your birthday, but it didn’t upset you.

Looking at the pale ceiling you take a deep breath, smelling the fresh air. Trying to imagine what the ocean smells like, but how could you? You’ve not even seen it. Your imagination does nothing to aid you. You turn your head to watch the curtains drift slowly if you try hard enough you can see Levi standing there the way he did before he left the last time. He was looking out the open window, it was raining but he didn’t close it. He had a dark expression as if he knew he’d be different when he came back, if he did at all. He probably won’t considering how he left.

You remember how you reached out to hold his hand, how it was slightly cold. He barely held yours with equal strength as your grip, before he turned his back to the window and walked out of your twos bedroom door. He whispered he loved you and then he was just gone. The way he was just gone made you feel he was saying he won’t be back even if they all survive over there. You shut your eyes before you cry. You feel like a ghost in this room and you did that day too.

Maybe if you breathe deep enough his smell will come back to you. Maybe there’s a trace left. Somewhere just a small trace. You can’t help but feel the hot tears drip down your temples. Relax, you tell yourself. So deep in thought you suddenly feel as if you’re being watched, your scarred to open your eyes. Afraid your mind is tricking you. Who would be here other then actual ghosts.

You’re being foolish, you think. You body nearly shoots it’s bones out when you hear a “tsk”. Your eyes shoot open and your body bolts up off the bed. In black uniform stands.. him .. Levi. He’s here. You’re certain your hearts beating so loud he can hear it. Although you’re not sure this is real.

He’s staring at you, his eyes trail up and down your body. His arm is rested against the frame. The way he’s looking at you feels heavy as if he is upset about something. When he moves you flinch backwards unconsciously. His brows furrow at your actions.

“Are you suddenly afraid of me? Stupid.” He says looking past you and out the window, he knows the way he left you probably hurt you. Not to mention he’s never wrote to you while he’s been gone. Nor did he send a gift for your birthday. He cut you off from himself, if he hadn’t then how could he guarantee yours and everyone else’s safety. He couldn’t be distracted.

“Levi, I could never be afraid of you. I.. just wasn’t sure if you were real. I thought you’d left me for good.” you turn away from him, you refuse to let him see more tears from you.

“I wouldn’t blame you, being in this relationship was never a good idea for you. All of your responsibilities, all I could be is a distraction. I’d never want to keep you from anything.” You say. You’re surprised at how brazen you sound. You’ve had a lot of time to think about this. Levi can’t lie, your words hurt. Even though he thought some of the same things. Which is why he left that way so he could leave easier then if he’d drawn out the goodbye.

But, he should have wrote to you. He regrets never saying anything, what if something had happened to you while he was gone, you’d leave feeling as if you were nothing but a distraction to him. But what was distacting was how he felt when he didn’t get letters and didn’t send them. Not have any connection to while he was gone was the worst idea.

“I was wrong.” Is all he says. But Levi admitting he’s wrong is rare. You can’t help but widen your eyes in surprise.

“About what?” You ask.

“I should have said goodbye better, I should have held your hand when you reached out for me. I should have kissed you. Instead I treated you as if you weren’t here. I should have wrote you. I should have been here to celebrate your birthday. But I am not as wrong as you.” He states. You turn around to look at him. You didn’t realize how close he’d gotten.

“How am I wrong, Levi?” You say stepping closer to him. Levi isn’t the type for physical affection but you wish he’d hug you, since your to prideful to hug him first.

“You are not a distraction, you don’t keep me from being a captain and fighting for our people. If anything you give me every reason to fight and survive. The thought of coming back to you, that is more then enough strength for me. And what the fuck do you mean your not a good idea for me, you aren’t an idea. You are my life.” He says to you. You are beyond surprised Levi’s not an affectionate person. But he’s spilling his heart out to you.

He grabs your head and puts it to his chest and holds you. You wrap yourself around him. He smells interesting. You imagine this is how the ocean smells.

“I love you too Levi. I never got to say it back, the day you left.” You tell him as you look at him. He kisses your forehead lightly, and pulls you to sit onto the bed. Levi pulls a small cloth bag from his pocket, and hands it to you.

“Happy Birthday.” He says quietly, you have a feeling his affectionate words are starting to bug him. You chuckle a bit and pull out a silver necklace. The pendant is a strange looking thing.

“What is this Levi?” You ask him.

“That, stupid is a seashell.” He says leaning back on his hands.

“How can I be stupid, I’ve never seen one before!?” You say.

“They’re from the ocean!” He says annoyed.

“Yeah! I haven’t ever seen it. So how would I know!?” You declare.

He grunts softly then laughs. “Put it on dummy.”

You roll your eyes but you slip on the necklace.

“It’s beautiful, thank you!” You tell him.

Levi lays back onto the bed, and you join him. You hold his hand and look to him.

“Do you like the ocean?” You ask Levi.

“It’s alright, it’s just a lot of water. Nothing special. He says with his eyes closed. He must be so tired from his trip back. You kiss his cheek. And pull a blanket over you two.

“Maybe one day you can show me.” You say snuggling into him.

“Hmm.” Is all you get before his breathing evens out. You smile to yourself and fall asleep shortly after. You’re glad this is more then a minute.

So thanks for reading! Should I write more Levi one shots?

Please reblog! 🎉

#levi x reader #levi angst #levi fluff #levi fanfiction #levi ackerman #attack on titan #aot spoilers #levi aot #attack on titan x reader #gender netural reader #gnr imagine #levi x gn!reader #words of mine #credit to fan art owner #unedited

[kinnoth]

What's your take on Thor Ragnarok? What's your take on Thor's development within the MCU so far?I'm a fan of your posts and tags!

GREAT QUESTIONS THANK YOU FOR ASKING, THANKS FOR BEING A FAN

tldr I """"like"""" Thor's canon development now bc I've done some fucking Olympic grade backfilling and contortion to recontextualize the canon to make it meaningful, but this results in me living in my own pocket universe of an interpretation where I can't really interact with other people bc they don't subscribe to my exact reading of canon

But bro I LOVE Ragnarok. I know that can be a controversial take (I've read the meta of people who think it "slaughtered" Thor and Loki's characterisations), but I just thought it was so much fun! Like on a movie watching experience level and on a lore/meta level, it's FUN. That's not something I can say for 95% of marvel movies, which are nigh universally too dimly lit and too reliant on hateful sarcasm between characters as a substitute for a relationship.

On a meta level, I 1000% subscribe to the idea that the entire movie is a retelling that Thor is preforming for his refugees, so it's a heavily edited, exaggerated, and sillier version of events meant to keep everyone's spirits up. On the point of lore continuity, I really appreciate that thor3 makes CANON and EXPLICIT Odin's campaign of imperialist violence behind his "peaceful" reign over the nine realms, I FUCKIN LOVE IT. I LOVE the context Hela gives to their family, because she makes canon and explicit Odin's disappointments in Thor. I LOVE that Mjolnir was Hela's weapon before it was Thor's because Mjolnir was never meant to be a metric for moral goodness or readiness for rule, but a metric for a colonialist's commitment to imperialist violence on behalf of an empire WHICH IS WHY IT FINDS CAPTAIN AMERICA WORTHY BUT NOT LOKI

(btw if anyone else can draw a line between Hela and Steve Rogers that is a. representative of Odin's priorities and b. includes Thor but excludes Loki, hmu, bc this is the best I got.)

(Mjolnir rejects Thor in thor1 bc Thor was trying to conquer Jotunheim for personal glory and doesn't accept him again until he starts thinking about the good of the empire again by protecting Midgard, an imperial asset. Mjolnir rejects Loki bc Loki is a not an imperialist in service of an empire)

Off topic but I know a lot of people get hung up on Thor leaving Loki paralyzed in the parking garage, potentially to be found by the grandmasters dudes? Like people say that was unaccountably cruel and ooc for Thor. But like, ok, they killed everyone on the way up, and Thor knows his armed gladiator rebellion is on his heels also headed for the parking garage, so I dunno, I never read it as Loki was in any particular danger? But I'm a notorious Thor apologist as well as a Loki apologist so 🤷‍♂️

Things I also love: loki defunding the military to spend that money on art and infrastructure, Loki's live action thorki fanfic that Asgard unaccountably loved, Loki stonewalling Odin's attempt to reconcile bc fuck Odin, Thor's lightning powers, Bruce banner is now a Jewish grandma, Hela have I mentioned Hela love that girlboss, Jeff goldblum love that wiggly man, the Valkyrie love that angry girl, "piss off ghost", inglorious deaths for all the warriors 3, "I'm here" (screaming, crying, shaking), the story about how Loki bit Thor as a snake as well as the confirmation that they are in fact the same age

I have complicated feelings about Thor's canon development tbh. On a very ground floor sort of reaction, I despise what they did to My Boy in infinity war and endgame. I think it's a disgusting character assassination and I don't think the russos understand humour and specifically how to use humour to expand on tragedy like what thor3 did.

On the other hand, if you've read my fic and meta, you'll know that I've accepted the canon development, bc at this point, I've done a LOT of very deliberate and concerted labour to MAKE the canon development we see between thor1 and endgame WORK. But, like, there was a LOT of labour that I, specifically, put into it. It fully relies on me specifically doing a lot of digging and reaching and mining these movies for every possible frame of content to the point where I am pretty sure I've put more effort into making all the development make continuous sense than any of the screenwriters put into the actual development.

And I think I've probably just drank too much of my own Kool aid but like, I am in a position now where I do think my interpretation of Thor's character development is THE most complete and accurate reading of his character development. Key to these points are: a) I think he is an ex-imperialist who is currently and actively trying to deprogram himself from the colonialists' mindset that Odin instilled within him b) he is trying to deprogram himself from Asgard's culture of extreme toxic masculinity wherein he was not taught to have any sort of emotional processing that did not involve physical violence c) Loki is/was/always will be the person he loves best

So like, as I try to show in my thorki canonverse fics (shameless plug for myself), I can make most of the bad decisions made about Thor's character in infinity war and endgame work if I recontextualize all of his canon actions with my own (well supported, well documented) headcanon'd baggage. Of course he goes on a death wish mission to get revenge on Thanos -- he has a literal deathwish bc he was already supposed to die with Loki. Of course he sinks into an unshakeable depression afterwards -- he has no identity now that he has no family bc he was never taught to live by himself or for himself. Of course he leaves new Asgard and abdicates his rule -- he hasn't wanted a hand in the dirty business of Empire ever since Odin's ambition got his mom and brother killed in thor2, and that hasn't changed. I try to make him go through all the canon-implied feelings and anxieties and doubts in front of the reader. My entire goal of this is that people read my shit, then look at canon and think "oohh that context DOES make it better!" I will be gratified if that is the case.

(The only thing I cannot fix is the bit in endgame where Thor walks past Loki's Tupperware cell and the narrative doesn't come to a screeching fucking halt as Thor has so many feelings that he has some sort of paralytic breakdown where he simultaneously wants to commit Time Crime (tm) so he can just stay here forever and also wishes he could just die here, next to loki, like he was always supposed to. Like, that needed to happen to really lynchpin all of my work together into one smooth, problem free reading, but I'm not allowed to have nice things so)

(oh also I didn't like Thor calling frigga "mom". Shouldn't it at least be "mum"? I think "mother" is best tbh, bc I don't really read them as having that sort of relationship, see "toxic masculinity", see also "homosocial socialisation")

(and ok I get that it was a nice moment for Thor to call the hammer back to his hand, and I get that it even still works with my headcanon that mjolnir finds Thor worthy still bc Thor is defending the imperial asset that is Midgard, but like God damnit. The uncritical and unquestioning use of that word "worthy" when he catches the hammer again. Like worthy of what you guys? Do you ever ask yourself that question bc I very much do. I kinda wish they didnt bring it up at all, or if they did, it didn't come back to Thor's hand and he is just like, wistfully, "that's all right, I suspected as much. I'm such a different man now, mjolnir doesn't recognize me. I don't think I'd be alive right now if I had been the same man I was")

Wow that got long, anyway, thanks for chatting with me! Again, always a pleasure to field asks!

#internal thor tag

[mathieubellamont]

As a Hirrus Clutumnus stan I got to hear your 2 pieces on him. Also, as a mentally ill person, what are your thoughts on Shivering Isles? (There are parts I rlly vibe with but I understand a lot of it is played for laughs, and I've never had psychosis so idk how people who experience that feel about it. i can only see it from a depression/anxiety/ocd lense)

ooooooooo youre bringing in the REAL good questions here

Heads up for mentions of suicide and assisted suicide, oh and spoilers for an old as fuck game

So, for a long but necessary background, because if Im gonna talk on this i need to be explicit where I'm coming from regarding it, I have StPD AKA diagnosed shivering isles resident at psychiatrist disorder. That for me includes delusions and a lot of paranoia, perceptual hallucinations, magical thinking, highly spiritual angle to life... actually ironic this question comes in now bc my deity has been like. get into and talk about madness for a few days now. take that as an example if you want, including a lot of reading of signs and stuff. basically. talking to things that most people dont think can talk, eccentricity in thought processes and dress and speaking, issues speaking outloud bc words and sentences get jumbled/etc, and connecting the dots between things that aren't related (eg "if I turn this light on the grass outside will stop growing and the farmer will get mad"). Its... also relevant to answering this in a different way to say that Im autistic so... I kinda struggle with discerning the intent behind creating the Isles (like, as you said, being played for laughs) vs the homely feeling I personally get from it.

So yeah, tldr i fucking FEEL the isles, and i may not be the best at interpreting them right

On to the answer (under read more only bc its long)

Hirrus:

Oh man, seriously, as someone whos struggled with depression for a long ass time and..... relevant feelings...... I LOVE how brutally honestly Hirrus is approached. Actually that tends to be one of my favourite parts of how the Isles are approached in general, in that they don't shy away from the brutality of mental illness. Its not just "haha funny goofy land" its "bunch of people brought together by Issues" Like... I know the brutality is probably to show that Sheogorath is a DAEDRIC PRINCE not to be taken lightly (although i am SURE there were a lot of people struggling w mental issues on the Isles dev team who wanted to depict it like this for the sake of realism) but like... Mental illness as Im sure you get as a Hirrus Stan is not just quirky little things but something that devastates lives. It doesnt JUST do that but ill get to that in the overall isles opinion. I think no matter whether the developers are mentally ill or not, if theyre going to approach these topics there needs to be a level of "yep this is fucked up" - in a VERY specific way though. If Hirrus was played in a way that was about the HoK's horRor and suFferINg meeting Hirrus id be like. ew. but since youre literally just meeting someone going through SHIT in a fantasy world.... Oh, the fantasy world bit is super relevant. I think id have some issues with it if it was in our world - the whole hill of suicides thing is absolutely extremely relevant imo as to why this is not just acceptable but a great bit of storytelling. "The real world is dark and dangerous, help someone kill themselves"= dangerous DANGEROUS thing to put in a story. "Im going to show you how fucked up this fantasy world is, and its so fucked up that it turns helping someone kill themselves into a merciful and good bit of storytelling"= good. i like that. The way its implemented is really good storytelling IMO.

On the Isles themselves:

I think it boils down to... Theres a fine line to be walked when talking about mental illness, and even if its played for laughs, they still did it right. Well, i mean. For an old game.

Tbh?? I dont think mental illness, as i touched upon above, is just about devastation and loss and struggles, its also like.... A fantastic thing. I dont have a love-hate relationship w my StPD but a love-....babysit. relationship. Some days its awful like when im convinced bad triggering shit i wont mention is about to happen, somedays my perceptual hallucinations kick in and the world is suddenly oversaturated colours and burningly hi definition, somedays it really helps with grounded things in that i tend to be creative bc i can see reality in weird ways, or it helps (SOMETIMES) with divination and whatnot. But its always something less of a horror assigned to me and more of a confused seriously sight-impaired clone who cant see the world properly and i have to guide them around - StPD comes in between me and my ability to perceive the world around me. The whole display of the divided isles is, yes, a litttlleeee outdated bc i think its meant to partially reference bipolar disorder which, kinda gross thing to do but i guess understandable if you know fuck all about not insulting mentally ill people, and using words like dementia as an aesthetic is a little off-putting, but its so.... homely to have this stark acceptance that illness is a huge consuming SWAMP of a fuckin thing, twisted and dangerous, but also fantastical, inviting, super/post-real.... Mania is my fucking favourite area bc yeah. it approaches what life feels like when the good StPD Issues kick in. This divide also really shows how StPD and similar illnesses work, but colouring (pun intended given the colour schemes) your world view, and turning everyday things (trees, animals) into horrific, desolate things - or weird, beautiful, fantastical things because thats what it FEELS like. plus i think just because some of the devs intended to make this world in reference to a few things, doesnt mean the end product isnt an accurate portrayal of other things. Just because im sure some were like "oo lets use bipolar/dementia/etc for aesthetics" and got it wrong, doesnt mean its not an accurate depiction of other unrelated mental illnesses.

Thats a little subjective but.... on a different note. I think a HUGE thing that makes the Isles work for being a good/palatable depiction as opposed to a bad one is the fact that the Hero BECOMES SHEOGORATH. and the whole questline leading up where you BECOME a member of the isles and really get to know them is..... Is so so paramount to how this Works so it isnt just some zoo you stroll around. Youre either With the Isles AND their population or..... the questline isnt for you. Another HUGE thing is the fact that everyone just......... ugh how do i put this bc of course theres conflict between characters in the isles..... But it just feels like home having StPD where theres this place that everyone has their own thing going on and no one really condemns them for it, not in the way real life does, like. Ah. I guess id say it like: itd be boring as shit if every character was like "oh my GOD everyone around me is CRAZYYYY not ME though" like.... when you have groups of friends that are all Mentally Ill Luv x you can sort of relax and all be your own various shades of the rainbow you know?? Real life tends to see me have to train myself to act normal and not display illness symptoms bc im the odd one out for some reason. The Isles is..... So you know that study done showing how autistics struggle socially with non autistics but can get along fine together? Yeah reminds me of that, where NTs will condemn and belittle and other everyone with serious mental illness - and so if youre a NT youd think that NDs would do the same, just like non autistics think autistics couldnt communicate together - but it takes a level of insight into this to understand in a lot of our friend groups we.... dont fall apart, we actually start to understand each other as similar in different ways. We find other ways to have cohesive social groups without all being in touch with the same version of reality. Whether the devs meant the isles as thought out like that or "haha imagine people being sooooo crazy they dont even know other people are crazy" well, we wont know, but again - an inaccurate attempt to portray one thing can turn into an accurate way to portray another.

Plus, honestly.... There comes a point where, like the whole "theres no ethical consumption under capitalism" thing, I think it matters less the devs intentions and more how the consumer consumes it. If youre NT and like it? I think the issue is when its "haha weird ass crazy people funny, im so glad im not these dudes hey look at how stupid they are", but if youre approaching it like "damn this is a wacky place where people have some serious issues and im going to enjoy the storyline and the humour without treating it like a digital freak show" then i mean.... Idk. Not sure on that angle logically but I do know I dont have that jugdmental reaction to people enjoying it when they arent like the people depicted in the isles

Tldr: I like it. Its either well thought out or a bunch of happy accidents. I think that we can all argue/debate on the intent behind it? Which, if this was created by one singular person, would be EXTREMELY relevant, but since its a whooooole dev team IMO the individual intents matter a little less than the end product as an independent thing. And because of that, the fact that it feels so much like home to people like me, and because yes, it may be played for laughs, but a lot of it (Hirrus for one great example) really is not meant to be funny, and because youre MEANT to become a part of it (and therefore see these people as YOUR people), i think........ Its perfectly alright to really appreciate the isles and enjoy its depiction of people like me - i mean... Lets be honest here.... If it was inaccurate, you wouldnt have as many people on the schizospec and psychotic spec being like damn we love this as we do have

#an ask #traitor's ramblings

[ryuichirou]

I saw one very stupid post on my dash about how snk is OBVIOUSLY nazi propaganda and trying to convert all of us into imperialists and white supremacists. tbh it’s not the first time I’ve seen that kind of stuff and probably won't be the last, but for some reason this time it gave me a lot of anxiety (I got wordy, I'mma need to send another ask, sorry)

(part 2) It's been more than half and hour and I still feel this awful sensation in my chest. It's just overall pretty fucked how to have something you hold dear being misinterpreted in the worst way possible, and I was just wondering what are your thoughts on this situation or how you deal with people claiming all sorts of awful shit.

(part 3) I imagine that as an artist some people probably direct their issues with snk towards you, 'cause I don't even post that much fanart and I've gotten anons "trying to educate me" on why this series is so wrong, after posting drawings. Of course, you don't have to reply, maybe the topic makes you anxious too and I don't want to bother you, so sorry for the depressing topic (｡•́︿•̀｡)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tiiish, I want to hug you, I’m really sorry that this happened to you. I hope you’re feeling a little bit better now.

Like we already mentioned a while ago, when we were talking about that darn article, after we read through it and did a little fact checking (and I mean it when I say a little, because there weren’t many facts to check), we stopped caring about it. It’s not research at all, just a manipulatively written speculation on Yam’s motives and worldview, but sadly, people easily believe these accusations because they hate SnK and want to find a valid reason to hate it and shit on its fanbase. Because “I hate it because it’s nazi propaganda” sounds much cooler than “I hate it because it’s popular”, doesn’t it?

It’s easier to ignore the article itself though, and it’s much harder not to think about tumblr posts or those Twitter threads that get very popular (although there are a lot of bots on twitter, trust me…), and it’s especially difficult to ignore it when it’s specifically directed at you. But the only thing that these people deserve is a good ol’ block and (if they’re getting too offensive and abusive) a report for harassment. The thing is, their opinion doesn’t matter: it won’t change SnK’s story, it won’t affect its success and popularity, it doesn’t affect anything other than our mood (temporarily lol). Because they aren’t critics who actually give a flying fuck about the subject matter, they’re just random assholes with a hateboner for SnK, who sit in their echochamber and discuss the same shit over and over again. And if they’re “fans” of the SnK, it’s just them “consuming it critically” 🙄 such a convenient phrase and so easy to abuse.

If we think about these accusations again… they’re so damn nonsensical, it’s almost amazing. I’m not going to reread it or to make a proper counterpoint article out of this ask, so this is just based on how we remember these accusations.

Like, what part of SnK approves and pushes the idea of imperialism in any way? When the entire idea of the story is that war is bad? When people like Onyankopon, whose homeland was invaded by Marley, exist? And it’s never portrayed as a good thing? Having only one country dominating the world’s situation is literally the main reason why everyone’s suffering??

And come to think of it, Isayama is one of the few manga artists to kind of sort of openly critique Japan: he literally drew Kiyomi losing her cool and drooling while thinking about all the profit and wealth she would get from the deal with Paradis. Why do people never talk about that? What is it, if not a critique of greedy and two-faced nature of people from Azumabito clan, who are heavily implied to represent Japan? I don’t read a lot of manga in general, but do you know how many mangakas I’ve seen who directly talked shit about Japan while being Japanese? Two. Excluding Isayama.

Isayama is clearly invested in the Western culture and he understands the World’s History. He understands that political relationships are complex and that there are no “bad” or “good” countries. I don’t want to make assumptions about how much perspective of the world’s relationships the average person from Japan has, but I still feel like Yams has a pretty good understanding of it. He did his research for the subject matter, and while it’s obviously not perfect, it’s clearly there.

These people also claim that SnK is anti-Korean and anti-Semitic, but if Hetalia had taught me anything, it is that if the story has or used to have any anti-Korean undertones, the Korean readers wouldn’t want to have anything to do with it. They would be the first people to ditch the manga, they would be the first people to critique SnK, and rightfully so. They burnt Uniqlo clothes, their overall domestic policy is pretty anti-Japanese, so there’re literally zero reasons for them not to destroy SnK if they see it as anti-Korean. But the size of the Korean SnK fandom suggests otherwise, doesn’t it.

And the “big noses = Jewish caricature” argument, seriously? How anti-Semitic can you get? Who the fuck looks at people and goes “oh, those have big noses, bet they’re caricature of Jews”?? Sorry I’m getting heated lol The argument about “Asian artists portray Westerners with prominent noses because that’s what we look like to them” has been done a lot of times, I’m not going to go over than again.

And god forbid Isayama to use Germany and Europe to draw a story where his characters are (approximately) Germans and Europeans! Let’s go fetch our pitchforks to punish Isayama for using their aesthetic to make his story look more believable and authentic, right? “Oh, those areas where they hold Eldians resemble places from real life”, like no shit???? Ofc they would??? That’s what references for making the story more grounded are used for??? If I were to write a story about a fictional place based on a real one that I don’t live in, I’d use some visual references to help me to make it more believable??? Why do I even need to explain that?

In my previous post I talked about the armbands and ghetto and stuff, but I’ll reiterate: even if there are thematic similarities, it doesn’t mean that the story mirrors our history. And it doesn’t mean that there is an analogy, since Eldian’s situation is quiiiite different than what Jewish people had to go through. It’s just thematic similarities. And it still doesn’t plant any specific idea in the reader’s head, other than “having people shoved into ghettos with 0 civil rights is a horrible thing”, and I can’t comprehend what’s anti-Semitic or imperialistic about it. Also I’m sorry, but nazis are not the only people who genocided a bunch of people, breaking news. Nor did they invent armbands. Same goes for Japan in WWII.

And now for my favourite argument: Erwin is nazi because his name is Erwin and he was born on the same day than some nazi guy died… I won’t even talk about why this idea is hilariously stupid, I just want to appreciate the level of nitpicking that’s going on here.

So… yeah. People who have nothing else to do but to complain about the show they hate don’t matter. And people who consider themselves a part of the SnK fandom and still say this bs (yep, there are people who do that) are huge hypocrites. The heck are they doing in this fandom then?? Of course, any story is up to interpretation, but this is so backwards?

Sorry for rambling so much… anyways. We’re happy enough not to encounter any hate related to this topic, but we think it’s because we ship Ereri and people already hate us for that, so the majority of shit we get is related to that, I guess we’re a lost cause for them. We’ll see if anything happens after this post though.

But once again, I’m very sorry that you had to go through this. Please remember that this isn’t personal at all, and people who harass strangers on the internet just want to flex their high moral ground while acting like complete assholes. You don’t have to explain anything to them, you don’t have to talk to them, you don’t have to listen to them or give them any attention. I hope you’ll never stumble upon anything like this; but if you ever do, please block them, don’t even bother reading their attempts at “educate” you. Isn’t worth it.

Please have a good day, Tish. And everyone who’s reading this reply.

#replies