#though i am excited for halloween i need my mental health and family's health to CHILL a bit this month lmao

[shadymissionary]

Hi, I feel like rambling here for a bit. I have a kinda life-changing conversation coming up tonight that I'm both extremely excited and extremely anxious about.

My partner and I have more or less been in a polyamorous relationship with our two close friends for...idk, 3 years? We've been getting very close with them over the years, and now that we all live in the same city and see each other frequently, it's almost always on my mind. And polyamory can be scary and confusing!! There is almost no framework for it that we learn about growing up, like with monogamous relationships, and so it feels a lot harder to navigate all of the questions and uncertainties.

Circumstances could not have lined up more perfectly to have this conversation though, so I'm feeling good about things. And it's just going to be an enormous relief to be open and honest with my friends about things that I've been holding in for years.

These two are so important to me, I love them so much they're like family, and I've felt so insecure about speaking up about certain things due to the fear of their reactions and potentially damaging our relationship. But I know they love me too and will be completely understanding.

I'm so happy to have an amazing partner that has listened to me vent about this stuff for years now, and his support feels like the one thing that has kept me sane. And I'm glad that I finally have the confidence and motivation to move through all of this uncertainty into a healthier relationship for all of us.

I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately, starting HRT, journaling, going back to therapy, reading mental health books, and listening to mental health podcasts. Last week I was listening to a lecture on Individuation, from Jungian psychology, and the concept of synchronicity was introduced to me. Basically, finding a connection between your own thoughts/desires and the things happening around you in the world. And to recognize when the universe is slapping you in the face telling you to do something.

I had an amazing therapy session yesterday and discussed the feelings I'm having, and how I finally feel ready to address them so I can move on from all this stress. But not knowing how best to find a time to talk about these things and get the conversation started has been the obstacle. I left the session knowing I had to reach out to the two I need to talk to and see if there's a time we could meet and chat. I even had a time limit on myself of getting this done before they host a Halloween party next weekend.

Lo and behold, just a few hours after yesterday's therapy session, I get a text from them asking us to come hang out tonight. Normally I would think up some reason not to, just wanting to chill at home on a Tuesday night, but it was so clear that the opportunity to talk was literally being handed to me. It makes me feel like the world is telling me to do this, and that it's gonna be okay.

I am going to cry so, so hard. But it's going to feel good to get it all off my chest. It's kinda scary, I've never cried in front of either of them that I can recall. So I know it's going to be a surprise that I've been holding all of these feelings in for years. More than anything, I just want the four of us to all be on the same page.

What's also kind of funny to me is like... in most respects, this should be a very easy step for me, but I've had to do so much to build my confidence in order to have this conversation. Earlier this month I came out as non-binary to my parents, and then soon after to my whole extended family. Like, that stuff should have been the hard part! And it was, don't get me wrong, but it didn't take nearly as much effort and crying as it has to prepare myself for tonight's conversation. The impossible task in my mind has been "open up about your feelings to your closest friends." And I'm certain now that I can do it, and that it will work out. ♥

This final dungeon music has been playing in my head all day as this conversation looms in the near future. Fitting that I just got to this point in Baten Kaitos last night hehe. I am gonna survive from that mf force!!

[sesaxton]

We All Need A Little Christmas cheer

Sitting here in Starbucks after a very stressful few months sipping out of a holiday cup. Only retail stores show any sign of Christmas. Yes I know it is only November but what is wrong with celebrating for two months? Its acceptable for Halloween why not for Christmas? Christmas has always been my favorite time a year. A whole new excitement comes with it and a warm happy feeling. With so much bad stuff always happening I need Christmas.

We had to make some temporary changes in my life that has added a whole new kind of stress and depression on me. I feel like I am constantly going with no end in site. My beautiful baby thinks 5/6 am is morning even though it is still dark. If she sleeps all night I cant protest to that. I pick her up and she hugs me with her sweet little arms then I give her a bottle before her puree breakfast with a side of berries. My husband will get up a bit later to feed the dogs and get ready for work. He will take the baby after he is ready so I can eat breakfast and get dressed for the day. After im ready he will kiss us both and head out for the day. My baby girl loves him so much and he is such an amazing dad. The bond those two have bring tears to my eyes.

Then I go on with my day, trying to entertain a 8 month old all the while trying to teach her new things and keep her from screaming for no reason other than she likes to scream. I am lucky if I get laundry started before he comes back home. I put a Christmas movie on in the background as she isn't interested in tv yet. It calms me a bit. I usually have the baby fed, bathed and ready for bed before my husband returns. He takes over after he winds down and he gets her to bed for the night. We are a great team. I have just been so overwhelmed; by not only this routine (Which I know it doesn't sound like much) but by other things going on in the background I wont post for privacy reasons. So many things going on I have a constant headache and a feeling that the walls are closing in on me. Today my husband let me take a mental health day. Sadly nothing is going how I want it to and I feel more defeated. I probably need to mediate again but its tricky to find the time and a quiet place to do it. So this brings me back to Christmas the one thing I can hold onto.

One of the great feelings I remember as a child or even a teen is the warm feeling at home. The warmth from the fireplace, the soft glow of the Christmas tree and the smell of fresh cookies being made. One of the cats curled up next to the fireplace and does the little mrrr when it sees me and lets me pet its soft fur. The warm heat on my face as I admire the tree I helped decorate. Each ornament had a special story or place in our hearts. Under the tree a ton of gifts carefully wrapped by my mother and put out too early because that's what we do. Later that night we would put on a Christmas movie we would all agree upon and laugh at the jokes we have heard a million times. My family that is what makes my Christmas magical. It is hard to always have ones that don't understand that. My ex and my new husband their Christmases weren't as magical and they didn't get or give gifts like mine did. (not that it is about gifts at all. However my mom and mine love language is gift giving).

So if all I have is Christmas then I will celebrate the best I can with the little I have. Christmas has done me good and I will keep it all year long!

#christmas #celebrate #Baby #Stress

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #437

“you get what you pray for  /  you don’t get anything”

Do you tell your mom and dad everything? No. Who was the last person you talked about something that was bothering you with? Most likely my mom. What’s your favorite musical? I don't like musicals. Who did you last share a taxi with? I've never been in a taxi. If you’ve ever tried drugs or alcohol, what was your reason for first trying it? I've never done drugs, but the first time I drank was actually an accident. I'd come in from a long, hot walk, and I desperately needed water, and Mom offered me what I thought was just pink lemonade. Turns out it was a Mike's Hard Lemonade and I CHUGGED it before everyone around me was like "NOOOO!" because it was alcohol lmaooo. If you were far from home and needed to sleep for the night, would you choose to rent a crappy motel room for $60 or sleep in your car for free? I'm sleeping in my car. I'm afraid of things like bed bugs. Is there a situation where you caved into peer pressure and regretted it? I don't think so? Have you ever rolled off your bed in your sleep? Pretty sure no. What is your favourite planet? Saturn! Do you enjoy Mario games? Not really, honestly. They're just not my style. Mario Kart is fun every now and again, though. What flavor fruity drink is your favorite? Strawberry, in most cases. Ever done a keg stand? No. Who is the last person you lent money to? My mom. Do you have any health problems that are unusual for your age? I have carpal tunnel in my wrists from typing so much, but I'm not sure how "unusual" that is for young adults nowadays... I feel like there's something else, but it's evading me right now. Do you bite your nails? No, I pick/peel at them. :x What’s the longest nap you’ve ever taken? Oh god, hours. To the point it no longer really qualifies as a "nap." When people ask you about school, what is your usual response? Do you enjoy talking about school? Why or why not? I get all awkward and just reply that I gave it numerous shots, but my mental health couldn't handle it. I hate talking about school because I feel like a failure. Do you know how to fill a car’s tire with air? Have you ever had to do it? No to both. Do you like your best friend’s parents? Why or why not? Omg I LOVE them. They are spectacular people with massive hearts. I especially am drawn to her dad, whom I find incredibly inspiring. Both her parents are just great. I miss 'em. What do you like in your hot cocoa - marshmallows, whipped cream, candy canes? Do you even like hot cocoa? I loooove hot chocolate. I really just prefer it plain, but you can toss a few marshmallows in there. Which do you have a problem with: over-eating or under-eating? I'm way more likely to over-eat than under-eat. A girl likes her food lmao. The last boy you kissed, good-looking? He's by no means ugly, but I wasn't physically attracted to him personally. Do you love him? Not romantically, but definitely platonically. Do you like cherry Pepsi? I like cherry Coke. I don't like Pepsi. When was the last time you were given flowers? Ummm... I want to say the last time was many years ago when Tyler visited for the first time when we started dating. What do you want to name your children? I don't want kids. But hypothetically, Alessandra and probably Damien. Would you ever write a letter to someone you haven’t met yet, like your future spouse? No. I'd probably get too emotional anyway. Do you carry a mirror in your purse? No. Do you believe that there is beauty in everything? I've always thought this was such a stupid idea that tries to make reason out of life and its tragedies. Like yeah, cancer, rape, murder, etc. are definitely "beautiful." There is absolutely no beauty in a vast plethora of things. The first time you smoked, did you cough like a fool? I've never smoked before. When you were younger, did you have a Neopets account? Oh, yes. I loooooved Neopets, but not quite as much as Webkinz. I've actually remade a Neopetz account multiple times because I'd forget my info, ha ha... Who was the last person you got in a fist fight with? I've never been in a physical fight. Did you and your mom ever have a big fight that caused you to move out? Not "move out," no. We did, however, have a fight where I stayed with Dad for I want to say a week, maybe a bit less. Do you dislike anyone? Why? Well, yes. I don't know anyone who doesn't dislike somebody. There are a few people, in my case, that I'm not going to spend time going through and pointing out what I don't like. Do you think you will be in a relationship 2 months from now? No. Do you always feel like you’re making mistakes? Like constantly. Does your animal sleep with you? Roman usually does, yeah. Do you have any baby pictures of yourself on your computer? No. Mom has those in photo albums. What kind was the last chip you ate? I want to say traditional Lays? It was at my nephew's bday party. Do you eat onion rings? No, I'm not a fan. What was the last thing to disgust you? I think it was some thumbnail I saw on YouTube, even though it was (weakly) blurred. Where do you see your ex in 5 years? "The" ex, I don't want to think about it. Probably somewhere great for him, but would break my heart if I knew. Do your parents swear? Dad swears big time, while Mom tries to hold it back. You won't hear her say something like "fuck" unless she is SERIOUSLY upset. Do you ever drink warm milk? Warm milk sounds literally disgusting. Would you be really upset if Facebook ceased to exist tomorrow? No. I literally just came back from my break from it, so it'd be more funny than anything. The universe's way of telling me "nah, son." Who do you know that wears the most makeup? My friend Summer, but then again she's a cosmetologist. Have you ever had bronchitis? No, thankfully. Jason had it BAD once and I will neeever forget that cough, good Lord. Do you like to wear makeup? I hate applying it more than anything. Like, I love that it can help me feel prettier, but I pretty much never wear it because it's just a pain to put on, especially by myself because I have bad tremors in my hands. How many times have you been to the ER? Way too many times for being suicidal. How often do you feel lonely? Honestly, pretty much always. When are you most uncomfortable? I dunno, man. I'm always uncomfortable about one thing or another. Has anyone ever revealed a secret about you? Not that I remember... Have you ever revealed anyone else’s secret? No, that is such a shitty thing to do. Have you ever had a family member/friend that was hospitalized? Yes. Have you ever been in trouble with the law? No. Is there anything you want to experiment with? I mean, nothing that quickly comes to mind. There are things I want to try, but nothing major. What do you hope happens to you after you die? Mixed feelings. Sometimes I hope there's some sort of nirvana-like state we experience, I think it'd be wonderful to be reunited with loved ones, but I also sometimes think it'd be best if we just... stopped existing. Consciousness just stops. I dunno. I'll find out eventually. What is the most disgusting thing you have seen in person (not on TV)? Probably a maggot-infested deer corpse that I faintly remember from where I used to live. I thought it was the sickest thing ever lmao, in both senses. What is something others make fun of you for? Always holding some sort of technology. Just don't fucking comment on it. It makes me self-conscious as hell. Is your life turning out like you pictured it would? QUITE THE FUCKING OPPOSITE. Do your initials spell out a word? No. Has anyone ever given you roses? Yeah. Last baby you held? My older sister's youngest daughter. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or groomsman? My aforementioned sister's. What is something you would never do to your body? I mean, there's a large number of things. There are certain piercings and tattoos I wouldn't dare to get, I plan on taking care of my hair as best I can to avoid ruining it despite wanting to dye it a lot... *shrug* Stuff like that. How are you planning to decorate your house for Halloween? I don't know if we'll decorate. We haven't really for a few years now... I don't have the motivation to do it myself, and now that it's just me and her and I'm grown up (I know, I'm laughing too), Mom doesn't really bother with doing it. I know I DO want to carve pumpkins this year, though. Dunno what, but I'll figure it out. Ever lived in a trailer park? No. Do you like salsa that has fruit in it? NOOOOOOOOOOO Can you count in binary? No. Do you like hard or soft pretzels better? I'll eat both, but I have a strong preference for soft ones. When was the last time someone kissed you on the cheek? Who was it? I'm sure that was either my niece of nephew when I was leaving their house when I last visited for Ryder's birthday. What kind of ice cream did you eat last? Where’d you get it from? It was chocolate. I had a scoop at the aforementioned birthday party. Do you like flowers? What is your favorite kind to receive? I love flowers. I don't have a favorite to receive, really. Have you ever unblocked someone that you blocked before? Yes. Has anyone slapped you across the face before? If so, why? No. Do you prefer to have more or less in common with your significant other? I like to be pretty similar. Would you take a shot of heroin for a million dollars? No. I don't fuck with that, even for that much money. Why don’t you talk to your ex anymore? He wants nothing to do with me. Do you think it is okay to drive while high? Obviously not...? Do you find Halloween or Valentine’s Day more exciting? Halloween. Has anyone you know ever had serious surgery before? Yeah; my mom immediately comes to mind in both instances she had cancer. When she had kidney cancer, the tumor was larger than the kidney itself, and she lost the entire organ. When she had ovarian cancer, she had to have a complete hysterectomy because the cancer was EVERYWHERE along her reproductive system to an almost fatal degree. My mom's pretty metal. If you had the last person you kissed’s Facebook password, would you go snooping through their stuff? Why or why not? No, because that's a violation of privacy? You don't do that shit. Have you ever fainted? If so, when was the last time? If not, have you ever came close to? Yes. The only time that I remember was maaaany years ago, like, maybe '14. I've nearly fainted plenty of times since then for various reasons, but mostly just from low blood pressure. Ever take a keyboarding class? Do you type using the skills you learned in that class or how you used to before you took the class? Yes; I believe one course was mandatory in middle school. I type the proper way, yeah. Ever cut your hair (the entire thing – not just the bangs or a little part) yourself? Noooo. Would you ever open your own business? If so, what kind of business could you imagine yourself having? Well, I'd like to be a freelance photographer, but to be real, I'm starting to loosen up on that dream. It's been too long, I just don't see it happening anymore. Baby steps are one thing, but I've barely managed any of those in forever. Ever meet and talk to someone from an online dating site? No. Would you date someone you weren’t physically attracted to? Why or why not? Yes; I've done it before. I just care way more about emotional chemistry. Besides, historically, me liking someone for their heart has made each person a lot more attractive to me as a whole. Last person to hang up on you? I dunno. What’s your favorite scary movie? The Blair Witch Project. The second one is great, too, plus The Crazies. Which urban legend is your favourite? Oh man, you can't ask me this. I LOVE cryptids and conspiracies 'n shit. Are any of your fears completely irrational? Yes, like whale sharks. A whale shark ain't gonna hurt u boo but I see that mouth and am like no thnx Where is the light switch in your room? Funnily enough, I don't have a light switch; there isn't a ceiling light in this room. I instead have two table lamps that I can turn on on either side of my bed. Would you make a good lawyer? Hell no, I cry when I argue lmao. It's funny tho because I remember in TWO instances, in-depth surveys recommending jobs for you brought up me being a lawyer, and each time I was just like,,,,, no???????? Why did your family decide to live where you’re living now? It was more necessity than anything. Our old house had a LOT of issues to it, and with Mom's cancer diagnosis, she needed the cleanest environment possible, and that was NOT our old place. The house we live in now is owned by a family friend, and when the previous owner died, the timing just... kinda worked out to where that family friend I mentioned helped us pay our way into here. We really don't like this place because of the location, but it had to work. What was the best pet you've ever had? All things considered, I have to hand it to my boy Teddy. That dog was someone special. Very, very special. If you were allowed one murder without punishment, would you do it? Nah. Name one song you can play on an instrument, any instrument! I can probably still slam out "Hot Cross Buns" on a recorder. \m/ Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle? Noooo, I'm scared to. On the opposite sex, do you prefer muscles, average size, or scrawny bodies? It depends on the person, ig. I can be attracted to any of those. Just not EXTREME muscle. Not my thing at all.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''thoughts & prayers" by motionless in white

[youknow-i-loveit]

Why I Still Feel Like I Need To Ask Permission Before I Do Anything Ever

Randomly hit with the realization that my parents are still holding me back because they never taught me how to act with autonomy.

They never taught me how to be assertive or how to tell people things.

(They also wrecked my self-esteem, which was pretty horrible to begin with.)

My parents were very “do this because I told you to” authoritarian types who didn’t like to answer questions, and especially hated it when you questioned them. Questioning other authority figures was okay sometimes, depending on who the authority figure was, but my parents wanted to reign over their children with absolute power.

They generally had issues with needing to feel in-control. They didn’t have great role models for what it means to be an authority figure- my mom was the youngest, doted upon and spoiled for being the only girly-girl in the family, and by the time her parents had her (the eighth child), they were exhausted and distant, permissive, laissez-faire parents- and my dad grew up under an abusive military man who routinely beat his children, who used his voice as a weapon, and when he was at work, his wife ruled through manipulation, primarily guilt-tripping. Since my dad was the second of his six brothers, he was considered to have a better idea about how to deal with children, so my mom generally deferred to him, partly because of that, and partly because if my dad didn’t feel like he was in charge, he would make sure everybody felt miserable.

And as they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. My dad very much took after his father. He thought he was being toned-down and “gentle,” and bragged all the time about how he had it worse, making it sound like he was going easy on us. He often threatened to act more like his dad. But while I feel bad for him and his brothers and the abuse they endured, that gave him no excuse to abuse us the ways he did.

I could go on and on, but the point is, my parents didn’t know how to be in charge, but they felt that it was their god-given right to be in charge-- literally, they kept throwing “Honor Your Mother And Father” at us from the Ten Commandments.

My parents never admitted to being wrong. In fact, my dad hammered it in that being wrong was shameful and something that none of us should ever, ever do- ignorance was considered shameful, and if we ever dared utter the sentence “I didn’t know,” he would mock us, roar at us, and quite often, make references to that moment for the rest of the day, if not the rest of the week. It took me years to be okay with admitting that I don’t know things. To teach myself that learning should be fun and exciting, and that teaching others new information should be seen as an opportunity, not as a burden.

So my parents are proudly ignorant control freaks with an abusive streak, who want to rule with absolute authority; so far so great right?

My parents were strict Catholics who wanted us to follow their faith. They took us to church every Sunday. They enrolled all of us in Catholic school until they couldn’t afford the tuition anymore. They insulted anyone non-Catholic- even other Christians- calling them stupid and sinners and sometimes even “evil,” and considered anyone who attended Catholic church but didn’t adhere to their beliefs “not true Catholics,” so they were lumped in with the rest of the riffraff who were apparently going to hell.

We were allowed to question authority figures that didn’t adhere to their strict beliefs, and even encouraged to make fun of them, but if we ever dared to question someone who did, my parents informed us with cold, cutting certainty that we were making the wrong choice and were in danger of going to hell ourselves.

We grew up pretty sheltered. Our parents wouldn’t let us participate in most of the fads that swept up everyone else in our peer groups. It didn’t even matter when those peers were all Catholic kids attending our same Catholic school- my parents still thought their parents were making the wrong decisions, and we were effectively isolated from socializing with our peers. For a window into this, consider that I was forbidden from watching or playing Pokemon during the late 1990s. At recess, literally everyone else in my class would “play Pokemon,” whether that meant they were actually playing the trading-card game or whether they were pretending to be characters from the show. Since I wasn’t allowed to participate, I was left alone on the swings, accompanied only by one of the lunch moms who took pity on me. (Her name was Mrs. Stevenson. She was funny. I liked her. For Halloween, she wore an ugly holiday sweater with Froot Loops glued all over it and said she was a ‘cereal killer.’)

We weren’t allowed to watch Sailor Moon, or Rugrats, or Dragon Ball Z. We weren’t allowed to play with Furbies. We were allowed to accept Beanie Babies as gifts, but our parents were too poor to buy us any, so I think the most I had was about six.

We were also (wrongly) informed that people different from us were all stupid. I questioned this from a young age, asking why people were different, but instead of actually answering me, my mom would go “Exactly!” as though that settled that.

So when I asked why African Americans spoke differently or dressed differently or said things like “black pride,” I was told it was because they were entitled and because they thought they were special, but that they were foolish and wrong. It was only later, on my own, that I learned they don’t do these things to set themselves apart from the rest of society out of some weird petty desire to be special and different, but because we stole their culture from them, and they need to reclaim an identity that they can be proud of. The system is stacked against them, so every act of embracing their blackness is an act of rebellion against the system that tries to crush them every day. They speak differently because of where they live, because of history and culture that have shaped their words that way, and if their grammar is improper, that’s most likely due to underfunded school districts, but it could also be code-switching so they fit in with their peers.

And when I asked why anyone would be anything other than Christian if the Bible really was the word of God, and God was real, I was told it was because they’re too stupid or jaded to see the truth. So when my uncle came out as Muslim when I was a teenager, our family ostracized him, berated him, and made fun of him relentlessly behind his back, because we all thought he was stupid. It was years later that I became an atheist and I realized the questioning process he must have gone through, the philosophy he must have studied, the books upon books he must have read, the agonizing introspection he must have endured, all while living under his parents’ roof... 

We were told that we were smart. That we were important and special. 

But we were also taught that we were constantly on the razor’s edge of being undeserving of love or redemption.

Naturally, this caused me to form strong attachments to characters like Loki, Bucky, and the Beast from Beauty and the Beast- characters who others saw as monstrous, but who seemed worthy of redemption, who didn’t seem to deserve everything that was done to them, even as much as they blamed themselves or got down on themselves sometimes.

The constant messages of “you need to be perfect or else” and “you are a disappointment,” accompanied by my dad’s ridiculously high standards, made me desperate for approval. 

I sought favor with my parents nearly every day, but was so often disappointed- especially by my dad. Even when I’d done something I was really proud of, he’d find ways to poke holes in it, talk down to me, call me stupid, and ask something to the effect of why I’d made such a horrible decision.

So I started looking elsewhere.

Friends. Partners. Teachers. Professors. Therapists. Co-workers. Bosses. Other people’s moms. Members of groups I joined. Anywhere I could get it, I was (and still am) constantly thirsty for validation, praise, and approval.

My parents probably weren’t trying to do this, but they taught me to constantly second-guess myself. They taught me that I needed to ask for permission to exist.

One of the things that was brought up over and over again whenever one of us would upset Mom was that “she gave birth to you.” On one memorable occasion, my dad went into graphic detail about how exactly the birthing process worked. He made it sound like some sort of accomplishment, or personal favor, that I should be forever grateful and reverent towards. But I never asked for this. Giving birth was something she couldn’t avoid. I should have never been guilt tripped into feeling like I owed her something for it.

Whenever my dad was a certain flavor of upset, he’d bark “Get out of my sight!” We would flee to some far corner of the house, behind some closed door, and cry where no one could see. In that moment, he had ceased to give permission to exist in his presence.

So when I first came out as trans, I struggled a lot, because I felt like I constantly had to ask everyone around me for permission to be myself.

It’s tragic that, in retrospect, everyone would have respected me a lot more if instead of asking, I had simply told them who I am and then been myself. I should never have felt so timid, so cowed. I should never have felt like I owed anyone an apology for asking them to use my name and my pronouns.

I should have been free to be me.

But when I lived under my parents’ roof, I wasn’t free. I was forced to hide, to pretend. I was forced to let them deadname and misgender me. I was still forced to attend church until I moved out-- I got out of attending weekly mass by pleading that it was detrimental to my mental health, after being forced to attend masses as an atheist for over a year. But in order to keep a roof over my head, I was still forced to attend Christmas and Easter mass every year, and badgered to attend more masses at nearly every opportunity.

I had to lie about who I was dating too. I had to hide all the ups and downs- the euphoria of new crushes and new relationships, the agony and heartbreak of breakups or bumps in the road. I couldn’t ask my parents for advice navigating this extremely important part of my life. Instead I had to figure it all out on my own, and lie, and pretend they were my “friends.”

My parents made me feel as though I couldn’t do anything on my own.

So to this day, I still often feel like I have to ask for help or for moral support in order to get things done. Not everything, but anything that my partner could feasibly be involved in or have any opinion on whatsoever. Filling out forms, looking things up, buying food, scheduling our week.

And anything that I’m not 1000% sure my friends would invite me to, or anything I’m not 1000% sure they want me to do, I’ll hang back on or stay silent. Any sort of physical affection that I’m not 1000% sure is welcome, I’ll hold back on or I won’t even offer, because I’m so scared of rejection or retaliation. Any complaints that I have, I’ll run by someone else first, and sit on for often weeks or months before I bring it up, if I ever bring it up, because I’m so worried that someone’s temper will flare, or that they will grow cold and distant and cut me off from their affection/ attention/ presence.

My parents never taught me how to ask for things.

They never taught me how to tell people things, simple things, like “I’m going to the store,” or “I’m a guy actually,” or say “Oh, you’re going to meet up with a bunch of people I know? Can I come?”

I’m self-taught in a lot of things, but socializing is one of them.

And as I’m sitting here typing this, I’m waiting for my partner, because we have to get through a lot of paperwork and beaurocratic nonsense this week, and even though not all of it strictly needs to involve her, I still feel like I can’t do it on my own.

It’s okay to ask for help. That’s something I’ve had to get used to too.

But sometimes I worry if I ask for too much help. >_<

#personal #abusive parents #hi i'm trans #and bi #and my parents do not like that

[theanimeview]

My Interpretation of Blackbird by Junji Ito

By: Casea Mhtar | @madamekrow

Mature Content Warning: This post contains content that we at The Anime View do not think is suitable for everyone. The genre of the work being reviewed is Horror. Possible triggers or subjects could include severe mental illness and suicide. By clicking "Keep Reading," you understand that you may encounter such content. Viewer/reader discretion is advised.

Do you feel the cool winds as they blow through the trees? Do you hear the fallen leaves rolling down the street, scraping against the sidewalk as you pass by? Do you notice the air of gloom hovering over you even on a bright and sunny day? We are now in the throws of Autumn, as we creep closer and closer to Halloween. I hope you’re as excited as I am, because for today’s post I will be delving into a story by Junji Ito, who is also known as Japan’s Master of Horror. I feel he needs no more introduction than that, since one google search will immediately prove why he has such an honorable title.

The one I will be discussing is from Fragments of Horror, a manga of short stories. He created this manga after an 8 year hiatus and it certainly appears that he was rusty in terms of storytelling. Generally, this manga has been received as being rather subpar in comparison with his other works. Which is why I chose this story from Fragments of Horror, the only one that stuck with me even years after I had finished reading the book. It often gets overlooked, making it all the more enticing to shine a light on it.

Blackbird

Kume is out birdwatching, the first time he’s done so in a long while, when he hears someone calling out to him. It’s a stranger lying on the ground, pleading for help. This man gets carried away to the hospital on a stretcher as Kume follows behind. When speaking with the doctor we learn that this man, Shiro Moriguchi, had a terrible fall resulting in both of his legs being broken. Not only that, but he also doesn’t have any family or friends to call, and is unemployed. They all wonder how he survived that long and with a stutter, he explains that he rationed whatever food he had in his backpack. 

Later, he begs Kume to stay the night with him and he agrees with mild concern. Moriguchi continues to open up about not having anyone in his life. In fact he never knew his family, expressing that he grew up in an orphanage. Kume replies, “You can talk to me about your troubles. We have a connection now.” before turning over and the two going to sleep for the night. 

Kume is awakened by a strange noise, immediately disturbed by the sight of a woman shrouded in shadow on top of Moriguchi, kissing him. She slips off of Shiro, walks to Kume and smiles directly in his face, then proceeds to calmly walk out of the hospital room. Moriguchi spits out a lump of raw meat and begins to panic that she has come back. Kume asks for more information and Moriguchi confesses to him what really happened during those four weeks of being injured and destitute, how he was truly able to survive. Seven days after his fall, he was running low on food when that woman appeared with her cheeks full, chewing and chewing. She kissed him, pushing raw meat into his mouth as it sizzled on his starving tongue. Leaving without a word, only to return the next day. This time, her kiss produced warm blood to quench his thirst. She is the one that kept him alive during that time, but he no longer needs her help. In fact, the meat lost its delicious taste, and he is left feeling as though he shouldn’t be eating it at all. Moriguchi was terrified, so Kume decided to stay with him another night in the hospital.

Once again, Kume was awakened by the woman feeding Shiro in the middle of the night. Immediately, Moriguchi spits out an eyeball from his mouth while the mysterious woman chuckles and leaves. Kume decides to follow her through the halls and out of the hospital. But right as he touches her shoulder, she turns into a large, black bird and flies off into the darkness.

The following morning they choose to alert the authorities, though they leave out the details of her flying into the night. Without the authorities present, Shiro panics about her being some kind of bird monster. Confessing that when he was an infant, he was abandoned in the corner of a park, alone for about a week or so. It’s a miracle that he survived, making him wonder if she was feeding him then as well, as though he is her chick.

Detectives show up the following day, revealing that the eyeball and meat are both of human origin and from the same person. Shiro and Kume are questioned, but can only answer what they know. This leaves the detectives without much to go on and with no way of knowing who the flesh and eyeball came from. But the woman hadn’t returned since Kume saw her fly away.

At a train station, Kume congratulates Shiro on his full recovery. He asks if Shiro has plans to find a job in Tokyo, expressing that it’s a shame he doesn’t stay since he could introduce him to people he knows. Moriguchi is thankful for the offer but declines, saying that he feels he needs to start anew someplace else in order to escape the shadow of that woman. Though, when Shiro’s train leaves the station, Kume sees a large black bird following behind it. He eventually receives a postcard from Shiro, not hearing anything about the bird woman, in fact he seems to be doing just fine! This allows Kume to brush off what he saw as being a kite or an eagle.

Three years later, Shiro Moriguchi was found dead in a frozen crater on the summit of Mount Fuji. They also discover that the meat and eyeball from earlier matched his own DNA, meaning that during the time of his horrible fall, Moriguchi was being fed the flesh and blood of his future self. His belongings were found near his corpse, including his journal with the details of what had happened in his last few days of being alive and frightened. She entered his locked apartment and started taking bite after bite of his flesh. He tried to move overseas, but she quickly found him and flew him to the summit of Mount Fuji. Cold, distressed, and alone, he passed away.

It appears to be winter as Kume goes out birdwatching in the forest again, thinking about the findings after Moriguchi’s mysterious death; When he hears something rustling in the tree near by. He turns around, startled by the bird woman, perched on a tree branch above him. Kume steps back, and with no more ground left, he falls down a cliff and breaks his leg. She readily flies down with her cheeks full. She feeds Kume mouth-to-mouth, as he notes its unpleasant taste.

My interpretation

I had an entire post planned out, depicting all sorts of theories I came up with. I investigated  the kanji of their names, the meanings, what the backstory could be, even speculating how this bird woman functions based on my findings...

Until I admitted myself into a mental hospital, staying there for seven days and seven nights. It allowed me to look at this story in a different way. I’m sure my interpretation isn’t truly what it’s about, nonetheless this is what it personally means to me. 

It appears to me like the Blackbird is the embodiment of Depression as she only comes to Moriguchi when he is most isolated and defenseless. Technically, since Shiro was being fed meat from his future self, he was the one keeping himself alive. Much like depression, there are times where we can get ourselves through completely on our own, but it comes at the cost of our own lifespan. People with severe mental illness, such as Bipolar or Depression, have a life expectancy of 10 to 25 years less than people without mental illness. Yes, that does include suicide, however this premature mortality is mostly cause by physical chronic medical conditions. People with severe mental illness often don’t get the proper care that they need, as their mental health deteriorates their physical health. I believe Shrio Moriguchi partly expresses these facts. He received wonderful care for his injured legs, but he didn’t get the treatment he needed for his Depression. This resulted in his physical debilitation and mental decline.

Then we have Kume, he was finally able to scare off the Blackbird for some time, as he was Shiro’s only support system. However, Moriguchi continued to distance himself, allowing the Depression to creep in once more. Why did the Blackbird target Kume? Well, relying on one person to be there for you, night after night as the lady shrouded in darkness overcomes you. That person being the only one you entrust with your woes and traumas. They are the only one you depend on to help stave off your Depression. Imagine that person, waiting to read your letters or postcards, making sure that you are okay, only to later find out that you did not survive. You have been taken by the Blackbird, your Depression. That can severely impact someone’s mental health. That is why it’s important to have a support system of not only friends and family (of origin or otherwise), but also of medical professionals that you trust. Kume did his best to be there for Moriguchi, even offering to introduce him to more people, which would allow Shiro to build up a support system. However, Moriguchi did what he thought would be best, resulting in him inadvertently isolating himself further and further into the Blackbird’s grasp. Even in his time of desperation he turned to old habits of writing in his journal, pleading for help in those pages without the intention of reaching out as well. Being trapped in an icy cold hollow atop Mount Fuji is the perfect representation of his severe isolation. 

I know this all too well, the devastation your loved one feels as they watch you deteriorate. You fall deeper and deeper into dysfunction, while they are helpless to do much more than to hold your hand through the nightly crises. Kume was there for Moriguchi, accepting all of his issues and willing to confront the Blackbird, even keeping it from coming back for some time. He was open and ready to carry some of the crushing weight that Shiro had been burdened with his entire life. Thus, falling victim to the debilitating gravity of Depression that Moriguchi could no longer cope with. Falling prey to the Blackbird chewing away at his future self. Little by little, bite by bite; Depression can take days, even years off your life.

Yes, my interpretation is rather… depressing. But I do believe it is important to recognize your unhealthy patterns, the patterns that detail your decline. In addition to reaching out for help when you feel yourself isolating further into the harsh depths of your inner turmoil. Not only that, but it’s spooky week! What is possibly more terrifying than confronting the realities of your mental illness?

Happy Halloween!

Of course I wouldn’t just leave you hanging like that! Here are some links for more information on not only how to reach out, but also what kind of help you can expect in terms of calling a suicide hotline or hospitalization. As well as what type of therapy might be better for you and what your options are if you can’t afford it:

10 Ways to Reach Out in a Mental Health Crisis

Here's What Happens When You Call Into A Suicide Prevention Hotline

What Happens When You Are Hospitalized For Depression?

4 Differences Between Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy and How to Tell Which is Right For You

What To Do If You Can't Afford Therapy, According To An Expert

#Junji Ito #Ito #Fragments of Horror #Horror #Blackbird #Analysis

[hollenka99]

A Day Long Overdue

Summary: Jack is allowed to spend his birthday with the egos. (Essentially a sequel to A Talk With The Creator).

Hey, guess which AU isn’t dead! It’s been like 3 months since I last posted something for the Creator AU (or anything for that matter) but I’m back. Have some bittersweet fluff with a hint of angst.

Jack wakes up, older than he remembers being. He's in a bed, a medical one at that. It would appear he was in Schneep's medical bay. There is no recollection of being sent here. The grogginess is interfering with that. He should probably find an assistance button to alert the doctor. That's when he notices the cards. Upon further inspection, he can only assume these are for a birthday. His birthday. He is able to read some of them before a commotion is heard in a different part of the building. Henrik stands in the doorway, seemingly incapable of not staring at him. Unsure of how to break the ice, Jack comes out with "I guess I'm not 27 anymore, am I?" "Not really." His doctor remains stationary, smiling until his attention diverts to the collection of footsteps approaching. "Wait! He's not ready yet." "Schneep, what the hell are you doing? We want to see Jack too." That sounded like Chase. "Just one minute." Henrik points to someone Jack can't see. "You see him first." "So it is your birthday today. We got you cards and presents. But there is something I think you will like better than all that." "What is it then?" Jack smiles humourously. Schneep turns his head back to the corridor. "Come now." Dressed in jogging bottoms and a hoodie which swallowed him, a teenager stepped into his view. Eyes brim the longer he takes in the image of Jack sitting up in bed. His face has matured a little since they'd last been in the same room. All those months he'd been petrified at the thought of him being hurt while held captive, where he'd pointlessly jotted down memorable events in the hope the youngest ego was still alive to possibly read them one day. All that fruitless hoping and searching must have finally produced a result. It had caused him to be standing feet away. The kid even had a bit of a quiff going on. Jackie. Fuck, this was Jackie. "Hey." Jack breathes out an incredulous "No way." Jackie takes a seat on the bed. The hero's embrace is stronger than the one he can return. Jack gets so lost in mutterings of 'Oh my god' and 'You're okay' that it accidentally becomes melded together at one point. When they both register the blunder, they dissolve into snickers. "I think I forgot how to English properly." "I think so too." "How long have you been back?" "September 2017." "We missed each other by a month?" Jack stares at the baby of their little family. "Yeah." "That sucks." "You have no idea." Tears are wiped but it proves futile as they are immediately replaced. "We've all missed you so much." "You can say that again." Jack glances past Jackie's shoulder to see a small crowd crammed by the entrance to the room. Before he is allowed to greet anyone else, Henrik insists on detaching him from as many wires as was necessary. Once given the all clear, Jack is left beaming as he is encompassed by three of his friends. Chase has a revelation about someone who shouldn't be missing out on the action. He sprints down the corridor to fetch them. He is perched on the bed, assuring Henrik he felt absolutely fine, when the two return. One near-inaudible 'Crikey!' is all it takes for him to freeze. Surely not. Yet there was one of his oldest friends. Angus didn't appear so run down. Was this for real? First Jackie was home and now Angus was healthier. He hadn't been awake for very long and it is already shaping to be a fantastic day. "You look much better than the last time I saw you." "Speak for yourself, mate." He can't help but sob as he approaches Angus. At least the survival hunter wasn't leaving him to be the only one. He is so grateful for the others allowing the two of them to stay in each other's hold for as long as they needed. It's been so long since his Australian friend has been this present. God, it's been so so very long. Despite Henrik not being sure it was for the best, the five of them lead Jack to the living room. Apparently, they had bought a cake to commemorate the day. He had always been partial to red velvet. Although, thinking about it, that was likely the point of them picking that flavour. Cake was still cake either way. He wasn't going to pass up the opportunity for a slice. He notices a German Shepherd hovering by Jackie. He assures his dog that she doesn't need to work at that moment. Work? Gwen, Jackie clarifies, is a service dog to help with his mental health. She sleeps in his room and keeps him company for most occasions excluding his heroing duties. Oh, okay. Well, that just makes her even more of a good girl, doesn't it? Marvin mentions the expansion of his cat collection. Hardeen and Houdini tended to do their own thing while Trico was up for cuddles most of the time. There was also his rabbit whom he had dubbed Tim the Enchanter. Hang on, hang on, so Marvin was saying that not only did he have the Egyptian goddess of cats but also one of the best known magicians in history and his brother, the best fictional creature in gaming as well as a minor character in Monty Python as pets? The magician's completely straight expression as he challenges Jack to fight him causes him to burst into laughter. Trico turning out to be from a small breed makes it all the better. Chatter explodes between the group over cake slices. Okay, let him get this straight. He has been a coma for the past year and a half. Schneep still isn't sure what exactly the illness that caused this was. Regardless, it's good to have him conscious once more. It is not his 28th birthday as he had initially presumed but his 29th. In that time, a fan game was released which aided in Angus regaining some strength. There were four new egos: a community-conceived zombie called Robbie, Shawn Flynn who was born from a Bendy voice acting gig. Jameson Jackson the pumpkin carving actor that communicated via BSL and an android nicknamed S34Nnor. On top of all that, there was a significant lack of green in anyone's hair. Jack wasn't going to say it out loud but perhaps Chase's beard could use a trim. Not only was Sean doing voice acting gigs, he had travelled across America and Europe with his own comedy show. He was interviewing celebrities too. Sorry, what do they mean, Sean met Ryan Reynolds?! Wow, that was huge. They mention Sean also hanging out with some guy called Bryan Dechart but that name doesn't ring bells. "Okay, Chase, do the line." Jackie encourages. "Alright but that was Sean's series so... keep that in mind." Chase take a breath in preparation then, "Hi, I'm Connor, the android sent by Cyberlife." They all cheer and laugh at that. S34Nnor speaks up. "As a combination of both the character of Connor and Sean, I believe I can improve upon your already good attempt." The line is repeated and everyone becomes excitable once more. "Yes!" The outburst is Chase's as he points to the android with a grin. When the noise has died down again, his expression appears to make his new words honest. "I'm planning on stealing that jacket one day." "You're going to have to fight me for it." Jackie gives a disingenuous glare. "Besides, I'm part machine now sooo go off, I guess." Jack loves the atmosphere. It's been years since it has been this lively here. If this was February 2019 then it must be over two years since their household has been whole. After Halloween 2016, they lost Jackie's playfulness. His absence had been deeply felt throughout the house. It didn't matter now. Who cares if he's so out of the loop that this Cyberlife stuff and any other running jokes don't make sense to him? This house has been missing this sort of energy. He refuses to risk killing it. However, one comment piques his interest. Something tells him to broach this subject carefully. It seemed like it may be sensitive. "Part machine?" "Oh right. Well, I don't technically have any knees anymore." Jackie gestures to his legs. "Prosthetics, both of them." That made sense, given the comment. It doesn't faze him in the slightest that Jackie has had life altering surgery at such a young age. Nope, not at all. "....Prosthetics." "Yeah, it's not that big of a deal. I just hurt my legs when I was getting out." "He has been doing very well with the physical therapy." Henrik smiles. Coming back with a drink in hand and a grin, Jacques pats the superhero's shoulder. "Got a little crush too. What is her name? Aisha?" "Nyesha. And I don't have a crush on her. We're just friends. Not even close ones at that. Tori is aesthetically admirable too." "What a sophisticated way of pronouncing attractive." Marvin teases. "Stop!" The hood was up now with the surrounding strings yanked. "Okay, okay, I think I've got the idea." Jack leans closer. "Promise me you'll let me know if you ask her or anyone else out, alright?" Out of resignation, Jackie mumbles out a "Sure.", only to sit up and divert the attention to the magician. "Marv has a partner though." "Oh, does he?" At this, the new subject of the conversation chuckles, happily telling Jack whatever he wants to know. Jack tries to protest when Jackie is given alcohol. With a soft smile, the youngest member of this family reminded Jack he was 18 now. Of course he is. It was 2019. Jackie has been 18 for some seven months now. July next year, he'll be entering his 20s. Actually, now that Jack thought about it, he and Sean would be 30 next February. Well then. That wasn't crazy to think about. Speaking of Sean, the two of them should really sit down and have a discussion. Although hazy, memories were slowly converging to form recollections of the disastrous dispute. There was a lot to talk about. He's lost eighteen months of his life. There were amendments to be made. If Sean's been on a worldwide tour, he wants to hear about it from the horse's mouth. That must have been an amazing experience. And Signe, he wonders how she's doing. He always regretted the way she kept getting indirectly caught up in his and Sean's dysfunctional friendship. He should wish Sean a happy birthday. That's probably a decent first step to brokering peace. Plus, if his long time friend woke up from a coma on his birthday, that would probably make his day. Jack can only hope Sean would agree. He makes an off-hand comment about this. The idea of reconciling with Sean gets shot down within seconds. Jesus, he doubts he's seen this level of hatred in Marvin towards anyone other than Anti. What the hell did Sean do to warrant this sort of universal repulsion towards him? "Trust me, you do not want to know." Henrik grumbles. Right. In that case, he'd better leave it until tomorrow. Jack is careful when enquiring about Chase and Henrik's families. He's pleasantly surprised when it is generally positive. Chase sees his kids on weekends now which is fantastic. But surely Noah couldn't be little over a week away from turning 5. He was just 3. Willow and Alina were much more confident readers. Jack remembers two little girls who struggled to piece together syllables in simple sentences. They would both be beginning primary school in September. Likewise, Elias was already in his first year of secondary school. Could people stop getting older? He can't keep up. He laughs with them when Chase says "You think they're growing up too fast for you." They order pizza in the evening. Schneep is still against him eating solid food but relents once more. Jack has eaten cake today and there have been no repercussions. As Jacques and Jackie debate with Angus about whether stuffed crust enhanced the experience, Jack took the opportunity to get to know Jameson. With Chase translating, he discovers this is a unique ego. An entire life before coming to exist here. It's such a novel concept to Jack. Even he, as the first ego Sean ever made, can't imagine having proper memories prior to creation. He's used to the others being born with limited memories. Man, he could listen to this guy's anecdotes of the early 20th century all night if he and Chase were willing to carry on that long. They are still hanging around in the living room as midnight is crossed. Some egos have already excused themselves to retire to bed. Once Jack realises it is nearing 1am, he urges everyone else to head to their beds. They shouldn't stay up for him. Besides, he was the one who didn't sleep, remember. He would never wish for them to become sleep deprived for his sake. They refuse and remain. Before long, the man who never slept was experiencing long blinks. Was he tired? Wait, no, this isn't right. The only time he's felt this close to collapse is when... when it's a medical emergency. Like when his throat was bleeding. Or when all he knew was that he didn't feel well. Henrik crouches before him, steadying him in his hold. It's not okay. Stop saying it's going to be okay. Something's wrong, incredibly wrong. Henrik takes his hands, encouraging him to stand. The doctor explains it's likely the sudden regaining of consciousness is catching up with him. Assurances that it was perfectly fine for him to be feeling like this are repeated as they head towards the infirmary. All Henrik wanted to do was monitor him safely. Jack's arm couldn't help slipping from where it was wrapped across his friend's shoulder. Schneep adjusted it without hesitation every time. He defies his eyes any attempt they make to gain an advantage over him. Even when laying on the bed, he refuses the urge to relax. Henrik promises nothing will happen. He is as much of a Good Doctor as he is his friend, right? Please trust he will try to provide the best care he's able. He knows he has failed him before but- "Never!" Jack protests. "You are little bit tired. Is okay for you to sleep. Don't need to fight the sleep, my friend." "Not..." He drifts, only to remember himself a minute later. "Not a failure." "Thank you. Now please rest. We can have a lot of the chit chatting in the morning, yes?" "A'right." A roll of the eyes. A drowsy half smile. A prolonged exhale. And that's all it takes for them to lose him once more. No matter how much Henrik sits, gripping his friend's hand as the monitors revert to the figures they were displaying previously, it won't prove helpful in the slightest to permanently wake Jack up. When Marvin regretfully comes to urge him to get some sleep himself, Henrik waves him off. Just a few more minutes, okay? Then he'll go to bed. As much as they had to fault Sean on, they couldn't say he hadn't done something good today. Henrik can only hope Jack had enjoyed his birthday. Maybe they'd be able to celebrate with him next year too. Maybe. Either way, he couldn't stay here the whole night. With a final check of the equipment, he bids him goodnight. "One of these days, we will get longer. I promise."

#jacksepticeye #jacksepticeye egos #creator au #my writing #writersofjack #It will be 2am in roughly 20 minutes but I got it done #it hurt me to end it like that but there was no other way

[yvaquietdays]

unfriending my phone

So the leaves are finally starting to drop off the trees around here, giving me all the autumnal/winter pinterest-your-way-to-Halloween vibrations. Nature has a canny way of living and dying and getting rid of what it doesn’t need, taking time out, taking a rest and putting its feet up while the cold weather sets in. It doesn’t need to tweet about it, or update an instagram story with the caption “Branches are dying off lolz.” Autumn marks the beginning of death and decay, it won’t be long until we start posting pictures of our favourite streets coated in leaves (I’m into it). It’s amazing; so many of us love the colours of the fall but in essence, it is the death of living things that we celebrate, so that everything can start anew next year. That’s reality, and I think that’s beautiful. 

Here’s my point. I wish social media would take a break; I wish it would curl up in front of the fire, maybe die off and come back better for everyone next year. I know so many people who now log out of their apps, only to be sent emails from the apps themselves trying to help them “get back online.” This happened to me two weeks ago. 

I don’t know whether I was suffering from PMS, or if I’d been sitting around too long, but my anxiety came on through flood gates I’d obviously forgotten to shut, so it took me a little while to realise the frequency had returned and was buzzing underneath everything before I tried to counteract its presence. I’ve realised I find it quite difficult trying to relive just how my anxiety feels in those moments, because everything seems like a big grey, squishy worm that bleeds into each passing minute, floating midair, making the atmosphere dreadful and vehr wormy. So there are no definitive emotions. Just worry, dread, pressure around my brain and the existential worry that I am not enough.  What I can recall, though, is that I was on social media so often I must have feared it was going to miss me. I have noticed that in times of my quarter life existentialism, the less I have going on around me, the more I automatically, without thought or intention, find myself immersed balls deep in social media. It takes around an hour of surfing absolute dink before I even realise how deep my balls are in the first place. I scrolled mindlessly, and through that open window of my phone, that little ignorant bitch named anxiety flew in as easily as a mother-fucking pidgeon, and I felt just as bad as that time I accidentally pronounced Pinot Grigio as Pee-not-Gri-guy-O. But alas! What did I do, but continue to swipe my poor little finger, as if it would find some answer, some pick-me-up that would relieve the overwhelming feeling of I-HAVE-FAILED (and believe me, when I ordered a Pee-not-Gri-guy-O to that waitress in the restaraunt I did feel that same sense of existential failure). I couldn’t explain to you or myself what I was looking for, and yet the more I found myself looking the worse I felt.

Let me tell you, that shit is as dangerous and addictive as gambling. 

Did you know, Twitter was the first application to develop the pull-to-refresh feature, which was essentially mimicry of a slot machine? It wasn’t long before all the others followed suit (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat et al); ever wonder why you keep refreshing your pages? Do you hope to see something new? Something more beautiful? Something you’ve been tagged in? What’s the difference between you and the fella in Aspers, feeding in twenty after twenty into the machine, in the hopes that this time, this time, he’ll be rewarded? What about the woman who keeps getting four fifties changed at a time, laying all her chips on the roulette table, and losing it all, only to change more money, because this time, this time, she might win? 

It’s not about the money any more. It’s about seeking the reward, the win, the fulfilment, and in social media’s world, validation.

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2018/may/08/social-media-copies-gambling-methods-to-create-psychological-cravings

So I’ve known for a while the power the internet and social media apps have had over me; all the articles I read in research for my novel really opened my eyes. Sometimes, though, I’m just as good as all the other people on the bus; neck craned, eyes cast downwards, quickly researching Ariana Grande’s insta feed to salivate over her aesthetic, or to see why everyone thought she was responsible for Mac Millers death (hint: she wasn’t). It’s because, just like everyone else, I’m totally addicted to my phone.

Aside: I’m not blaming my bout of anxiety on social media, I’m just noting that it is a huge factor in how I perceive my life.

I use social media as a drug for my restlessness, and I receive sweet fuck all from it. Every time I look, it’s a reminder of how little I’m working, because I’m spending all my time thinking about working and looking at other people succeeding. It integrates this sense of failure, the smallness of my successes look in comparison, to be puney and frail. My lovely living room, amidst the quaint backdrop of my London suburb, looks boring against other artists hanging out in studios and lounging against LA backdrops online. What a failure I am; I’m eating into my savings to pay rent and afford food, I can’t buy that nice contouring set they’re selling to look the part, I’m flogging my clothes on Depop for spare change, I can’t afford flights there, I can’t afford any of this and I’m still chasing this pathetic goal of making money from my art. Every time I leave my parents house, my Dad hugs me and says, “Keep your head up, it’ll happen,” even if I haven’t spent the last two days complaining, even if I’m content, even if I run a bloody half marathon. Everyone’s still aware that she’s still trying, she’s not there yet. It’s really quite easy to lose yourself in those thoughts, it’s easy for me to reel all this off for the sake of a blogpost, but in the end I have to remind myself of the reality.

And that is, I’m fine. I’ve been doing better than I have for a long time. I’m excited, I’m getting motivated, I’m trying, I’m earning, I’m positive about the future. I’m looking after myself.It’s uncertain at times, but life is uncertain. I’m not stepping forward to play the victim in the play of me life. But that’s the kind of outlook I have in hindsight when I haven’t been on my phone all day, because social media does not help my anxiety, or hinder its progress at all. It encourages it. Instagram feeds off of my insecurity and isolation, Twitter feeds off my desire to be all knowing, Facebook creates the illusion that I’m connected when in reality I’m more separated from everyone on there than I’ve ever been.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/may/19/popular-social-media-sites-harm-young-peoples-mental-health

As a generation, we’re so very disenfranchised but we’re all part of this huge market. It feels as though we’re connecting, and don’t get me wrong, social media is great for self expression and identity and openness. But at the end of the day, it’s a business, and we’re it’s blind, salivating customers. It’s a marketplace for everyone to sell themselves, even when they have no goods to offer. We’re advertised products that an algorithm predicted we’d like, we’re told to post daily to reach more followers, but most of them are bots or strangers who won’t look at your page more than once. Everyone follows each other but we don’t support or give like we used to. I get the odd comment on Instagram complimenting me on my “content,” but that “content” is just my life, I don’t plan it, I don’t create it, it just is. When did our lives become fictional?! I’m all about real action, not figurative or hopeful. I’m about judging my relationships on how they are outside of an app, not what’s said inside of it. It’s too easy to lose ourselves in the virtual version of reality, where we can create how we’re seen. That’s the side of social media that I see, in terms of how it reflects back to me; it’s dark and foreboding, it’s void of meaning. And that is why I’ve been logging out. I want to enjoy it when I’m on there, not reminded of every flaw in my makeup. I rarely login in to Facebook now. I allow myself, twice a day, to look at Instagram (my main vice and source of all my first world anguish), and now I’ve been off-line, my desire to browse the app has diminished dramatically. I notice my boredom better than before; It doesn’t hold my attention. I caught myself scrolling half loaded pictures (bad wifi connection) this morning, and realised fifteen seconds in that I wasn’t actually looking at anything, I was swiping, endlessly, but the pictures were blurry and it was only the subconscious idea that something would appear that kept me going. So I put my phone down and finished my poop.

Has anyone else found themselves doing something similar? Has anyone else tried logging out? What kind of an effect did it have on you, on your mental health? What kind of an effect does your active participation on social media have, as a whole, on your mind? Do you feel less connected to the world, or more connected to those around you? Perhaps you have a better relationship with your phone than I do. *shrug*

I know I sound like a real doomsayer with my dark cloak (I’m not really wearing a cloak, but damn I think I’d like to) and and my seemingly pessimistic outlook. It’s not my intention to negate social media’s power to instigate positive change; just look at iWeigh, Help Refugees, Political Jules or Coppafeel. All good people using a Instagram to better spread their message of good health, equality and better body image across all platforms. I also believe the people who have really nailed social media are the heroes, the mums and dads of Facebook and Instagram, using Facebook to share with friends and family. That’s the whole point, and I personally think that we’re missing it as a younger generation. It’s so easy to lose ourselves in a business who’s main priority is traffic across all its apps. It doesn’t care what the traffic is, whether its bad or good, friend or foe, wizard or troll (I’ve been re-reading the Harry Potter books again), only that we’re there and we’re active. 

I reckon I really am an old woman at heart; so shoot me. I love my plants and painting, and I dream of living in some log cabin with an art studio, with a huge allotment, my main man and a couple of dergs, Bob Ross style. I love making music and getting on stage and performing, I love acting and I love media and I love galleries, I adore bookshops, beaches, forests. The whole, soppy whack. So what? I’m a romantic.

(That’s the only cool old lady gif I could find)^^^

I’m tired of stalling real conversations because either they or I have been sucked into apps, emails or jigsaw puzzles (it me). I want to live in this real world and create in this real world, but the discontent and conflict I feel is sometimes really, really irritating; I don’t want to use social media for my art, but it seems the only way you’re to be judged by labels and music makers. How much of a following do you have? How many likes do you pull in? How often do you post? It’s not about your art any more, it’s how good you are at selling it. I have enough trouble dealing with all the cogs turning in my brainbox without thinking about all this bullshit. And it goes beyond all that, it’s really irrelevant what career I choose, social media is addictive regardless of what we do. 

So fuck that. I play the game when I have to, but I’m not bending over backwards for it. 

#mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthwarrior #mentalhealthblogger #mentalhealthblog #mentalhealthandtechnology #mentalhealthandsocialmedia #socialmedia #instagramandmentalhealth #anxietyissues #livingwithanxiety #lifestyleblog #oldlady #pulldowntorefresh #worldwidewhat

[aresaphrodites]

Hey but sorry to bother u but could give me those book recs? Relying on u girl

of course!! sorry bout the long wait, dear x

you said you preferred trilogies or series’ (which i don’t read much of tbh) so here are a few of my favorites: (( some of these will have full on summaries and some… not so much, i got lazy lol ))

The Lux Series by Jennifer L. Armentrout : Meet Katy and Daemon! Katy is a funny, down-to-earth book blogger who has just moved to West Virginia. And Daemon? Well, he’s her hot and arrogant next-door neighbor. He’s also an alien. This one is cheesy, yeah, but it’s so FUN! Follow along as Katy and Daemon try to figure out what they mean to each other while trying not to get killed by the Arum; the Lumen’s enemy. In this world, the DOD is well aware that aliens exist and that they live on Earth. However, they are unaware that the aliens known as Luxen actually possess powers that make them.. well… powerful beyond means. This isn’t just a romance story; it focuses on family and friendships and it has a bunch of kick ass action and the entire plot with the DOD is so interesting. 

The Pine Deep Series by Jonathan Maberry ; I’m only on the first book but this one is a bit more mature in terms of horror and things like that. If you like scary books or feel like being spooky in time for Halloween, you should definitely check this one out! 

The Mortal Instruments Series by Cassandra Clare : I’m sure you know about this one, but if you don’t! Angels, demons, warlocks, vampires, faeries, werewolves? What more could you want? When Clary Fray discovers she’s actually a Shadowhunter; an appointed warrior of the Angel Raziel and has angel blood coursing through her veins, her life is about to change forever. Join her and the rest of the Shadowhunter gang (and even a few others) as they team up to rescue her mom and stop an all out war from happening. 

The Darkest Minds Series by Alexandra Bracken ; I’m only on the first book but I absolutely love it! It’s an intense read that has me on the edge of my seat constantly. I adore Ruby and she’s easily become one of my favorite female characters of all time. 

Dorothy Must Die Series by Danielle Paige ; Okay. I know, I know. Really? Dorothy Must Die? Hear me out! This book is FUN. Trashy? Perhaps, but fun! The first book is really fast paced and honestly? I am living for a world where Dorothy is evil. So basically our main character is named Amy and she is the other girl from Kansas. She’s sent to Oz to save it from Dorothy Gale who has become power hungry and is now pure evil along with the Tin-Man, the Lion, and the Scarecrow. The rest of the series doesn’t really live up to the first book, but I would say you should read the first one anyway. It’s a lot of fun. 

Did I Mention I Love You Series by Estelle Maskame: Sixteen-year-old Eden Munro decides to spend the summer with her father in Santa Monica as her parents are divorced now. Once there, she meets her father’s new family and that includes Tyler Bruce; her new asshole step brother with a short temper and a huge ego but as she gets to learn more about him, she finds herself falling for him. This trope isn’t for everyone and I know the whole step sibling thing is super taboo but this series is awesome and I read it during a huge reading slump and it really helped me get though it. 

Perfect Chemistry Series by Simone Elkeles: When Brittany Ellis walks into chemistry class on the first day of senior year, she has no clue that her carefully created “perfect” life is about to unravel before her eyes. She’s forced to be lab partners with Alex Fuentes, a gang member from the other side of town, and he is about to threaten everything she’s worked so hard for―her flawless reputation, her relationship with her boyfriend, and the secret that her home life is anything but perfect. Alex is a bad boy and he knows it. So when he makes a bet with his friends to lure Brittany into his life, he thinks nothing of it. But soon Alex realizes Brittany is a real person with real problems, and suddenly the bet he made in arrogance turns into something much more. (Each book in this series focuses on a different Fuentes brother.)

Fighting to Be Free Series by Kirsty Moseley: Jamie Cole has just been released from juvenile detention. Determined to go straight, he tries to cut ties with crime boss Brett Reyes - but Brett has no intention of letting him go. Jamie’s life is already more complicated than it needs to be, yet it’s when he meets a beautiful stranger at a bar that Jamie knows he’s really in over his head. Ellie Pearce has just come out of a terrible relationship and isn’t looking for anything serious; until she meets Jamie. Their attraction is overwhelming and intense - she can’t seem to shake her growing feelings for him, even though she’s trying to keep it casual. But when fate goes horribly wrong and Jamie’s family is faced with ruin, he’s forced to strike a deal with Brett. Despite his struggles, he wants nothing more than a future with Ellie. That’s until Ellie finds out that he’s been hiding more from her than she could ever imagine. 

Mind if I drop in a few stand alone’s? I’m trying to read more series’ but I’ve always been more of a stand alone kind of girl, so here are some of my current favs: 

#MurderTrending by Gretchen McNeil : WELCOME TO THE NEAR FUTURE, where good and honest citizens can enjoy watching the executions of society’s most infamous convicted felons, streaming live on The Postman app from the suburbanized prison island Alcatraz 2.0. When seventeen-year-old Dee Guerrera wakes up in a haze, lying on the ground of a dimly lit warehouse, she realizes she’s about to be the next victim of the app. Knowing hardened criminals are getting a taste of their own medicine in this place is one thing, but Dee refuses to roll over and die for a heinous crime she didn’t commit. Can Dee and her newly formed posse, the Death Row Breakfast Club, prove she’s innocent before she ends up wrongfully murdered for the world to see? Or will The Postman’s cast of executioners kill them off one by one?

One Small Thing by Erin Watt : Meet Beth and Chase. Beth is entering her senior year and is still trying to move on from the death of her older sister three years ago. In a small town with parents who have suddenly become her wardens; that seems nearly impossible. And then she meets the mysterious and hot Chase who immediately draws her in. Their attraction is instant and he’s the first person who makes her feel like Beth Jones and not Lizzie; the young girl who lost a sister and is somehow broken by it. But as she falls harder for Chase, she’s hit with the reality of the part he played in her sister’s death. It’s about forgiveness, love, and moving on. It’s sad and sweet and such a fun, quick read. Definitely good for trying to get out of a slump! 

Autoboyography by Christina Lauren :  Fangirl meets Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda in this funny and poignant coming-of-age novel from New York Times bestselling author Christina Lauren about two boys who fall in love in a writing class—one from a progressive family and the other from a conservative religious community. If you read one book off of this list, PLEASE let it be this one. This book is so… amazing. It’s been months and I still think about it constantly. 

Fault Line by C. Desir : Trigger WARNING: THIS BOOK CONTAINS A RAPE. It is not shown, but it’s the main conflict in the book. Over the years I have struggled with if I liked this book because it was good or if I liked it because of how much it fucked me up. I read this book in one sitting and when I finished, I sat in my bed for a good hour and just…. didn’t move or do anything. You will NOT be rooting for the main couple. The narrator is unlikable and you will HATE all the characters in this book. The ending is NOT happy and I don’t know why I’m recommending this but GOD. This book, after so many years, just stuck with me because of how fucked up it was. It deals with the whole “recovery” process in such a dark way that we normally don’t see in YA fiction and I think that’s what makes it stand out so much. If you want something darker, read this. But read it with caution. If this isn’t something you like then please, don’t bother reading it. It’s not happy and it’s sure as shit not fluffy. Summary : Ben could date anyone he wants, but he only has eyes for the new girl—sarcastic free-spirit Ani. Luckily for Ben, Ani wants him too. She’s everything Ben could ever imagine. Everything he could ever want. But that all changes after the party. The one Ben misses. The one Ani goes to alone. Now Ani isn’t the girl she used to be, and Ben can’t sort out the truth from the lies. What really happened, and who is to blame? Ben wants to help her, but she refuses to be helped. The more she pushes Ben away, the more he wonders if there’s anything he can do to save the girl he loves.

Meddling Kids by Edgar Cantero : If you like Scooby-Doo or Archie’s Weird Mysteries this book is probably for you. 1990. The teen detectives once known as the Blyton Summer Detective Club are all grown up and haven’t seen each other since their fateful, final case in 1977. Andy, the tomboy, is twenty-five and on the run, wanted in at least two states. Kerri, one-time kid genius and budding biologist, is bartending in New York, working on a serious drinking problem. At least she’s got Tim, an excitable Weimaraner descended from the original canine member of the team. Nate, the horror nerd, has spent the last thirteen years in and out of mental health institutions, and currently resides in an asylum in Arhkam, Massachusetts. The only friend he still sees is Peter, the handsome jock turned movie star. The problem is, Peter’s been dead for years.The time has come to uncover the source of their nightmares and return to where it all began in 1977. This time, it better not be a man in a mask. The real monsters are waiting. 

Fatal Throne by Candace Fleming ; A book about Henry VIII and his six wives. If you like historical fiction then this book might be for you! It’s told through the perspective of his six wives (and even Henry himself) and it’s a really fascinating read. 

Okay, I think I’m going to stop here. Let me know if none of these speak to you and I’ll give you some more recs! I didn’t know what kind of genres you liked, so I tried to throw in a little bit of everything.

#books n tings

[supernoondles]

2020

A lot happens in a year, even when nothing seems to happen at all.

There's nothing new my commentary about a global pandemic (and the particularly frustrating experience of living in America during it, even with all my privileges of continued employment, owning a car, rent stability, and living in the bay area) will bring to the reader, but I will underscore this: my feelings aren't that 2020 is any kind of exceptional year, but the point where, hopefully, we finally realize that economic/climate/racial injustice has been a terrible problem for a long time, and will continue to be unless we enact massive collective change. A vaccine is not going to make any of those issues disappear, and I worry the people in power (including myself) will return to their comfortable life styles as if the next decade won't be even worse.

Anyway, general DOOM aside (RIP man), here's my year in specific!

From looking through my photos: January was off to a great start. I celebrated the new year with dim sum with J/M/M, as per tradition, and went on a foggy hike through SF with my family that involved my dad and J getting hilariously lost. Soon after I went to Sonoma with J/M -- for all my years in the bay, I had never explored north of the Golden Gate that much -- which was a wonderful trip seeing J's hometown. I helped my lab demo research at the Exploratorium, started growing my own microgreens, and went on more (to become semi-regular and my only source of cardio through the pandemic) bike rides with my lab mates. I finally saw Hamilton (though feel a need to justify here how "cringey" I think LMM is). I went to Genesis, my first gaming-related convention, and it was a lot of fun despite seeing no women. I did so many things, was making progress on research (I think? I don't recall any breakdowns) and my mental health was generally good.

The doing of things continued in February. After not going last year, I went to the Tet Festival in SJ (which was kind of sad). I joined a Chinese learning club and a crafts club and had a delicious omakase. N visited again, I went ice skating and tried to rescue a giant rat from string lights, and saw the Sonic movie in theaters (which would have been my last movie in theaters, sigh). After having a drink at Wursthall with T, I felt terrible (to the unaccustomed reader, not only do I Asian glow, my hands/feet itch whenever I drink and I feel like I want to die), and decided that was the last drink I'd ever have -- thanks to the pandemic that's stayed true. I went on a ski retreat with the lab that felt particularly special (and not just because I didn't have to pay). We (I, in convincing my mostly Asian office) wanted to make 元宵 on the eve of E's birthday, but it turns out that a bunch of CS PhD students really love singing karaoke for like 4 hours straight into the night, and at some point I was like, okay y'all, time to go to bed. So I hosted 元宵 making at my apartment the next weekend, and we watched another Bong Joon-Ho movie (The Host) to celebrate his Oscar win. Typing this out, it seems wild that this was even in this year. I also did sh*** for the first time, hallucinated white woman in the edges of my vision like a GAN, ate a lot of shaved parmesan from TJ, and let go of any stress I had about the UIST deadline to the abundance of nature and the world.

I break from the month-per-paragraph format now because we all know what happens next. M and I biked around campus to film a virtual tour for the newly virtual admit weekend. Being in Gates that Friday (three days before the bay area wide shelter-in-place order) was the last time I'd be on campus for a while. The next day I adopted 3 wonderful baby rats (my biggest brain move this whole year) and the day after that I moved home. I was counting down the days until Animal Crossing and then J and I were duplicating royal crowns in ACNH. At some point my hair got really bad. The months blurred together. Adjusting to WFH was extremely challenging for me, someone who had structured their whole life around the "I only do work in the office and I leave the office when I get hungry for dinner" logic. I would stop working at 6pm but spent the entire afternoon mentally prepping myself to do maybe 30 menial minutes of it. I binged AtLA. I gave up submitting to UIST. In May I hung out in the park with J, who came home from Seattle, which was the first time I saw anyone outside my family. Sometime in there I decided to become a Twitch streamer and had a brief revival as DJ Noon before I felt bad for roping my friends into listening to my music and ran out of interesting songs I wanted to play. In June I, like many others, took to the streets. For two weeks I donated $50 a day to a different organization. I couldn't get any work done at all and spent an entire advisor meeting sobbing so intensely that they felt bad and canceled it after 10 minutes. I emailed the university and got my housing back for the summer and I moved back to start my internship.

The internship was the break I needed -- working with W was a godsend compared to the struggle of my advisors. After reaching new lows at the start of the summer, my mental health was sloping positively again -- working on a new research project helped clear the emotional baggage of the last one. I was also getting more outdoor social interaction -- I went to Ocean Beach with M/D, Half Moon Bay with my family, and going on weekly bike rides with M. At the end of June, M, my roommate, her boyfriend M the clown (there are now 3 different Ms) and I waited for negative COVID results before going on a 2 day camping trip to Mt. Lassen, which felt completely surreal, and, at that time, completely necessary.

The summer dragged on and my mental health, at some point, began to slip. If I were to graph it it would probably look like the inverse of COVID cases in the US -- gradually decreasing, but with high variance from the day to day. I got an embroidery machine, I attended a workshop on docu-poetics with CPH that was so ripe with information my brain physically ached, I saw my lab mates again for the first time as we sat in a very, very wide circle to say goodbye to a post-doc who got a faculty job in Israel. Most weekends I drove to my parents' house and would take J on various hikes around East Bay so he could better appreciate his roots before he went off to Boston for college. He was taking the Switch with him, so in August I bought myself a new one and planned out my entire second ACNH town, which kept me busy for a while -- but surprisingly not as long as I thought, as with planning (and money from my old account) the whole project took I think less than 50 hours. The camping itch came back and the day before my birthday, which was also the day before J would leave for Boston, we went camping at a small state park in San Jose where he got heat stroke and we slept on top of fire ants. The entire experience reminded me how much I disliked camping -- but what else was there to do? I had a wonderful (and long, bless the folks who stayed) Zoom birthday party where I wore a mesh shirt I made and covered with worms on a string. The day after my birthday someone backed into my car, which, following the demands of a racist letter from the HOA, was parked in guest parking. (Ultimately this would be a blessing of insurance money, as the damage was mainly cosmetic and the person kindly left their contact information.) At this time I was also unironically watching ASMR videos to fall asleep, so I painted a two Bob Ross style paintings, one in my virtual art club, to pay homage.

Fire season this year was worse than it's ever been. Being trapped inside the house combined with my roommate moving out at the start of fall quarter and now living alone marked the second downward spiral of my mental health. The bad days were more frequent. I TA'd a game design course, my first time teaching at this university, where many students messaged me to complain that their 95s were not 100s. In the end the lowest grade in the class was an A- and 20% of the class got an A+. At some point I submitted a summer-long project I did with J and S to CHI; it is so much easier to produce work when I do not have to wrangle with M. (This paper gets accepted, but my silly grad student excitement is tampered both by general "why are we still trying to publish when society is crumbling" pandemic feelings and the fact that CHI will not be physically in Japan next year.) Maybe once a month I go birding. I feel increasingly as if there is nothing novel in my life; I am tired of it all and my body feels fatigued even though I don't do anything with my days. Some days it feels like if I don't touch someone I will explode. My use of recreational marijuana skyrockets. I start doing exercise videos semi-regularly with A. I briefly consider moving to Seattle with E, who is about to defend, before it's clear we have, as always, different boundaries and expectations. I look for places in Sunset/Richmond with M to little success.

In October I somehow pull it together and organize student volunteers for a 3 day conference that requires waking up before 5am every day. I do nothing the rest of the week. After we get flu shots and I let someone into my apartment for the first time since the pandemic started, I help E move up to Seattle. The trip is comfortable and we get to take care of each other; this fulfills a need in me. On Halloween J and I dance in a soccer field next to a combination anarchist recruitment center and homeless encampment -- now cleared by the cops -- and eat a mud pie that is too sweet. On my last day in WA I ask E if he would like to have sex, as friends, and he politely declines. I am pleased with how easily I emotionally accept this answer, how through time and therapy I've finally come to cherish our friendship without always looking for what could have been. I am extremely nervous on the flight home, and it's the first and only flight I will take during the pandemic, and the N-95 squishes my face so my head looks like a balloon, but I have the privilege of free 5 minute weekly tests through the university and I collect another negative result.

In November I fully embrace the hyperfixation lifestyle. My brain, always looking for novel stimuli, has given up on doing work entirely and instead thinks of Thanzag constantly. There is one day where I play Hades for 8 hours and I feel gross, as if I've completed my regression to my high school self. It takes 90 hours until I achieve all my goals, and with no more runs necessary to roll for RNG-based conversational triggers, I finally feel a sense of freedom. (My Switch tells me I have used it for 580+ hours this year, which is more than double last year.) The second SwSh DLC is a struggle for me to complete as I do not find catching legendaries enticing. J comes back early from university at my urging to avoid the travel surge, a week before Thanksgiving, and starts living with me. This helps a lot. My next hyperfixations come overlapping and staggered: I write 25k words of a second iteration of my 2015 NaNoWriMo with the protagonist I had developed in high school before I get bored with the story and realize I need yet another iteration; I buy a combination air fryer pressure cooker and ask my parents for a functional vacuum and bidet as early Christmas gifts and become obsessed with immaculate inside living spaces. This carries on to re-decorating my room at my parents' house, after installing a shelf in the closet and a curtain to close it off from the living room, and spending roughly 30 hours over December break organizing and cleaning their entire garage--they have not thrown out a single piece of paper or article of clothing since they set foot in this country over 20 years ago. My therapist quits the practice and my relationship with my advisors improve. I watch a few housewife vlogs and make my own. I have the revelation that doing research in a pandemic is basically just like any other creative project -- no one really cares that much if I get it done, it's just harder to do than, say, putting together a vlog in a few hours. This shift in mindset feels life changing to me, having before thought of research more as work, a taboo thing to pursue in a pandemic, and when W compliments me for the progress I've made in both the system and managing our meeting with M I do not know how to respond because no one has ever done that before. In the last two weeks of the year I start tracking my time. In our last session (that I almost sleep through), my therapist tells me that I seem stable to her and she is not worried about me. I believe her.

In 2020 I made a marked point to let everyone know that I didn't have goals. It felt lofty to have personal ambitions in the face of everything at a global scale. With this said I will now revisit the 2020 resolutions I wrote last year: (1) Intentionally seek out love: absolutely not, (2) Do enough work such that I don't feel guilty: also no, (3) sew one thing a month: no, but in the end I sewed 11 things total this year so I was close, (4) improve my Chinese: this was actually the only thing that did happen, and now my mom and I have better conversations because of it and I'm so thankful.

In 2021, however, I feel like I finally have it in me to have goals again. They are simple. (1) Get laid. (2) Submit the two research projects I've been doing forever. (3) Commit to writing down my thoughts that make me think, "Oh, that's interesting, I should write it down." Ideas are unfortunately such currency in what I do.

Last year I wrapped up this post with some candid, but embarrassing, optimism. I will offer no such high hopes for 2021, but I do ask the reader if they have noticed that I switched tenses from past to present halfway through this post. And that's 2021: an incidentally unintentional, but then consciously controllable, shift to the present.

#noon's shitty end of the year summary posts #my last post on this blog was my 2019 post lmao

[ktliterary]

What I'm Looking For: Aida Z. Lilly

I’m excited to be open to queries for speculative fiction in upper middle grade, YA, and adult; in YA and upper MG contemporary, I am exclusively looking for stories from LGBTQIA+, BIPOC, and other marginalized groups; graphic novels for upper middle grade, YA, and adult from author-illustrators with a unique story; fresh, modern, and original contemporary adult fiction that fits in with my wishlist; and narrative non-fiction (but no true crime).

Across all genres, the writing, voice, and characters have to hook me and make me feel something. I want stories about the good, bad, and ugly of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I’m also interested in cults, the occult, mental health, and magic. I’m looking for the kind-of-weird and completely amazing! Good writing is the most important aspect for me. I love great ideas, but I really need the execution of those ideas to be brilliant. I want to be drawn in within the first few pages, and I’m okay with not having all the answers (at first anyway). I want to read the story only you can tell. I want to accidentally learn things only you can teach me.

I love all things speculative—well, except horror (touches of it in other spec fiction are fine though). What really catches my eye is SFF with real issues tackled in thought-provoking ways, like Grossman’s MAGICIANS series (and show). This shouldn’t be super shocking since I grew up loving the ANIMORPHS series. I like a big, diverse cast with love in their hearts and problems in their lives. Even though these kids had to save the world, they still dealt with familial strife, romantic problems, the failings of adults, and the emotions that accompanied the war and the “normal” lives they had to lead. So give me ANIMORPHS for adults with even more diversity.

On that note, I want feminist projects (especially where feminism is unexpected) and books written by and about people from marginalized communities. As a first-gen Middle Eastern American, I enjoy hearing other people’s immigration tales. If you have written the next KIM’S CONVENIENCE, EMAIL ME RIGHT THIS SECOND BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

I want ALLLLLLL the queer SFF please! There is so little of it, and it is so needed!

I like mythology (especially when it’s written as beautifully as Madeline Miller does it), music (Juliet, Naked and Daisy Jones & The Six are some of my faves), unreliable narrators, multiple viewpoints, stories that take place at college/grad school, flawed characters, a sense of humor, friendships (complicated ones, too), L.A. stories, tales of NYC, puzzles (think more Dan Brown, less National Treasure), and the atmosphere of Carnivàle, Darren Shan’s CIRQUE DU FREAK, Euphoria, and New Orleans. Magic and superheroes are some of my favorite things, especially when those characters act in a very human way and have very human problems (The Boys, Hancock, Super Ex-Girlfriend). I love a good origin story (even if I’ve seen Peter Parker have three of them onscreen…)

My taste veers from AMERICAN PSYCHO to HOWL’S MOVING CASTLE (and lots in between). Engage me enough to make me laugh AND cry. Give me humor and heart (like Handler’s LIFE WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME); give me a character like Dr. Cox from Scrubs or someone Gordon Ramsay-esque, who secretly has a soft center. Conversely, I also want ALL THE DARKNESS. Because while I love the cuteness of Detective Pikachu, I also live for authors like Leïla Slimani, Bret Easton Ellis and Chuck Palahniuk, who capture the ugly sides of human nature in sharp, acerbic light. I won’t shy away from your THREE WOMEN, TWEAK, EDUCATED, or MY DARK VANESSA.

Shows and movies I love: ALL THINGS STUDIO GHIBLI, Kim’s Convenience, Pose, American Horror Story: Coven, The L Word (both), Big Love, Fresh off the Boat (the book and show), Guardians of the Galaxy (and the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe), Supernatural, Lost, Modern Family, anything Mindy Kaling touches (books and shows), Workin’ Moms, Abrams’s Star Trek reboot, The Affair, South Park, Dexter (the books and show), Broad City, The Last Man on Earth (I nearly cried when they canceled this), Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Crash, What Dreams May Come, Interview with the Vampire, Queen of the Damned, Death Note, Straight Outta Compton, Monsters University, The Sopranos, How to Get Away with Murder, Stepbrothers, Zoolander, The Boondocks, Little Nemo, Selena, Shin Chan, Rent, Sweeney Todd, Dope, The Halloween Tree (the book and the movie), The Office, American Housewife, For Colored Girls, LotR, Mad Men, Mystery Men, Sons of Anarchy, Fringe, The King of Queens, Cloverfield, Super 8, Blade Runner 2049, Good Will Hunting, Adventure Time, Detective Pikachu, Good Boys

Books and authors I love: The Awkward Thoughts of W. Kamau Bell (and his standup), Mira Jacob, Daisy Jones and the Six, There There, Eat a Peach, Convenience Store Woman, Double Cup Love, Tweak: Growing up on Methamphetamines, Born a Crime (and Noah’s standup), Tranny, The Hate U Give, Warcross duology, Leïla Slimani, Rainbow Rowell, The Heart’s Invisible Furies, The Time Traveler’s Wife, I Am Legend (the movie, too), The Amory Wars (and the music about them), Saga, Deadendia, The Devil Is a Part-Timer, Chuck Palahniuk, Kid Gloves, Zatanna and the House of Secrets, Sing, Unburied, Sing, The Wheel of Time series, Hyperbole and a Half, Bret Easton Ellis, Harry Potter (but not Rowling), Artemis Fowl, Riordan and friends, Life Will Be the Death of Me, The Interestings, Station Eleven, Laura Dean Keeps Breaking up with Me, Hey Kiddo, The New Kid, Furious Thing, Number One Chinese Restaurant, The Girls at 17 Swann Street, Ready Player One (and the movie), Wildwood, Red at the Bone, Juliet, Naked, The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl, Fun Home, American Housewife, Madeline Miller, Gaiman, Christopher Moore, Haruki Murakami, Patrick Rothfuss, The Goldfinch, Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine, Kevin Kwan, Dave Eggers, My Dark Vanessa, All of us with Wings, Graveyard Shift, Life of Pi, The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, America for Beginners, The Storyteller’s Secret, Never Let Me Go, Priestdaddy, Educated, Three Women, Augusten Burroughs, Furiously Happy, Okay, Fine, Whatever, Fights: One Boy’s Triumph over Violence, The Usual Suspects (Maurice Broaddus), V.E. Schwab, The Silent Patient, Uprooted, Pierce Brown, The Enderverse, Blake Crouch, The Hunger Games, John Dies at the End

Maybe not the best fit for: Political thriller Gross out Horror (some touches are okay in SFF) Picture books Chapter books Animal protagonists Flowery language in fantasy Very technical or math-heavy sci-fi Historical fiction WW2 or cops or Civil War/antebellum “Inspirational”

What I’m Looking For: Aida Z. Lilly was originally published on kt literary

#Aida Lilly #queries #querying #querying writers #time to query #what I'm looking for

[sighingtirf]

It’s just...so hard to wrap my mind around all that has happened within this year.

And I don’t want to let go of it. I’m terrified of losing the memories. Time keeps going on, and that’s always fucked with me.

I want to be back in the old house, in the old neighborhood. I want her to be alive again. I want him to be hurting me again.

I dropped out of school at the beginning of October.

I went to the concert at the end of October. A few days prior, I went to a concert from a band he was really into, as well. It was at this latter concert that my altered states seemed to go away / merged into one/me. I didn’t realize that at that time, but looking back on it, that seems to be where it happened.

Then there was Halloween. I let him dress me up and apply my makeup. He helped her with her makeup. She was cute and having fun and taking pictures and posting them to facebook. He and I wandered around outside and talked about The Devil’s Carnival, and we compared ourselves to the Painted Doll and that angel dude who betrayed her, because I was dressed as a devil (and there was already a comparison between me and her before this), and he was dressed as an angel.

Early November, he physically assaulted me.

Early November, the elections happened. Trump took executive, and the other two branches turned red too.

Mid November I vented to my best friend six hours straight about everything he was doing and had done to me. I about had a panic attack when I recalled the physical assault, not having realized just how bad things were. I started really being able to put into words everything he was doing, and started really figuring out that it was abuse.

Shortly afterwards, I had a two and a half hour talk with him about everything. He understood and admitted to fault and apologized and talked things through with me. The next day he was so gentle and careful and I became more terrified than ever because it felt like walking on eggshells, when before it would just be constant stress but I KNEW when he was getting aggressive. I was terrified for months afterwards.

Three of my cats had to leave. We took them down to my grandparents’ house, but they weren’t allowed to go indoors because the cat they already had hated other cats.

The next day or so, we moved out of the house and into the new one; a few weeks prior she had received news that the rent was rising and we couldn’t pay it (and I heard her crying on the phone on her bed), so we had to find a new place. 

She went into the hospital not long before my birthday, as her mental state was getting to that point again. Although I wanted her here when I turned 18, I worried for her safety and valued her health. 

My 18th birthday was miserable, made better only through the fact that a mutual of mine drew my self-insert.

I soul-bonded with my self-insert.

She was still in the hospital by Christmas. Christmas was awkward. It was held in our house like my mother wanted--we’d been excited to finally have a big enough place to host Christmas this year--but she wasn’t there. My grandparents were, and my fiance and I were, but he was so awkward with them. It was all-around awkward and I wished it could have been happier and closer, but that’s hard to have happen when your fiance is secretly abusing you and is uncomfortable with most of your family and your mother is in the hospital being court ordered and otherwise abused by medical “professionals”.

I was crushing on a mutual, and it was getting more and more intense by the day. I was falling in love with him.

January, my mom got out and we held our own Christmas, even though it was late. She was so excited and bouncy.

My fiance raped me.

Later in January, she took my fiance and I to my birthtown. It was so nice visiting. We wanted to see snow, but most of it was hardened and we couldn’t really play in it, but I loved it anyway. We broke some random person’s sled because my fiance was insensitive and decided to coerce us to go on property that turned out to be private property. We had Wendy’s.

February, my mutual and I confessed our feelings for each other, and came so close to dating. And then the very night before Valentine’s Day, he bailed on me for some other girl. I spent all of Valentine’s Day crying. I made vent art of my self-insert being abandoned by his love interest, to be left with his abusive boyfriend.

Sometime in March, my mom went in for surgery; her boyfriend was getting out of prison soon and she didn’t want the possibility of having more kids because although she would love that, she knew she wasn’t capable of raising any more children. Then she got the flu. Despite this, she was relatively happy because for once, the people in the hospitals were treating her with relative dignity and respect because it was clear physical issues she was in for, not mental health or “something is wrong with me physically and I don’t know what please help”, and because her boyfriend was getting out of prison soon.

The beginning of the week. Her boyfriend got out of prison. She was so happy. So so happy.

Monday. I finally had a long talk with my fiance about everything. It was finally to the point where I had a chance of breaking away from him, safely, without losing the support I still desperately needed. Things were going to finally be okay.

Tuesday. My grandparents’ cat died. She was as old as I was. We’d had her since I was two years old. Everyone’s pets were dying that week...it was incredibly strange.

Wednesday. I woke up at around 4 AM to go pee. I heard soft talking and crying at the bottom of the stairs. I consider going back to bed, but I go down to find my fiance talking with my mom, who’s crying on the couch. She hadn’t gotten to see her boyfriend. She had sent him messages saying that she felt hurt that he kept brushing her off and wasn’t even talking about making time to see her, and he responded by being extremely cruel, sending awful messages--”it was like he took everything he learned about me during our relationship, and he used them all against me”. 

Thursday. My fiance and I contact an abuse hotline together, loveisrespect, which I’d contacted secretly twice before about him. He was looking for help and counseling, as an abuser, to learn how to better himself and not be harmful. Not much seemed to come of it, especially as the connection kept shutting down for some reason.

Friday. I went to my grandparents’ for the weekend, to visit an old friend and hopefully meet up with a potential hookup. 

Saturday. Saturday. Saturday. I didn’t know. I was ignorant what happened, what was happening at the same time I was meeting with my friend. Saturday. Saturday. Saturday.

Sunday.

I can’t.....

Sunday.

We went to church.

She was supposed to pick me up.

She wasn’t even answering the phone.

My fiance had messaged my grandpa, saying she wasn’t answering her door in the morning before he went to work, either.

Sunday.

My grandparents drove me home.

Sunday.

My grandfather ran up stairs.

Sunday.

He pounded on the door. Called her name. I pounded on the door. Yelled her name.

Sunday.

He finally managed to break down the door.

Sunday.

She was gone. She appeared to be there, but she wasn’t. Not really. she was gone. the medics came. they confirmed it.

we knew what she’d done. it was an overdose. she was gone.

time stopped the moment i saw her. it hasn’t progressed since. it’s still april 2nd, a little past 2 pm. it’s still april 2nd. it’s still april 2nd.

may. we moved to this new state. my first time living out of state.

june. apparently i’m a butch lesbian.

july. i have a radfem blog now. i’m a radfem, apparently.

sometime around this time, my soul-bonded self-insert left me, as connecting to me was messing with him and affecting his ability to survive in his own life.

late july. her birthday. her birthday.

august. i belive it was early this month, either that or late july, that my relative showed her colors and abusively screamed at me. later i come to the conclusion that my fiance had raped me back in january. i figure this out either the day before, or the day that we move into my first apartment that i have to pay for with her money, that she isn’t around to see. 

september. idk, don’t remember.

october. it’s october now. fiance turns out to be a radfem, too. comes out as a lesbian. my grandparents are making preparations to move up here too, and to sell the house they’ve had since before i was born. the house i grew up in.

#rape / #trixy talks #memories #then there's all the world events and the supernatural d&d compaign and the people i met on okcpuid and the pride night and more #so much has happened

[ficdirectory]

Disuphere (An AU Fosters family fic) Chapter 51

CHAPTER 51

THEN

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Missing: 4 years, 1 month and 5 days

6:02 AM

New Kid had been around for nine days when He woke up Josh with a brutal shove.  Hitting the floor hard, Josh jumped to his feet.  Wide awake now, Josh focused on His hands.  On what He was holding:

“Got a job for you,” He said, tossing it to him.  

The clock read 6 AM.  Josh wondered when he would have time to get ready for school.  But he knew better than to ask.  Just walked outside, the gun at his back.  Josh was wide awake as He put a chain around his ankle.

“I got important things to do today,” He said cryptically.  “So I’m gonna tell you this once, and I don’t want to have to repeat myself.”

Josh nodded.  Heart pounding, as He gave instructions for exactly what He needed Josh to do.

Dig a hole:

Five feet across.  Six feet deep.

Right next to where He’d buried Jacob exactly sixteen months ago.

He liked New Kid - called him perfect, even.  So, Josh’s hunch right off had been true: no need for two of something if one was perfect and the other was too old.

Josh swallowed.

This hole was for him; he was digging his own grave.

9:25 AM

Normally, Wednesday mornings meant work at Anchor Beach.  However with the stress of Jesus’s disappearance, plus other difficulties (Lena’s health crisis when she was pregnant with Frankie, Frankie’s early birth and hospitalization plus her recent diagnosis to name a few)  Lena found herself taking mental health days occasionally, on the advice of her therapist.

Lena dressed Frankie and sang to her softly: “When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change - because you’re amazing just the way you are.”

Frankie fussed through the process but quieted as soon as she was free to move around again.  Even with all the kids in school, taking care of Frankie was time-consuming.  It was overwhelming.  Lena didn’t know the first thing about parenting a baby with CP.

If she let herself, Lena became overrun by self-doubt, by blame and sadness.  But she had paid attention to the way Stef had framed the diagnosis for the kids and to their reactions, too.  They weren’t sad and grieving, because Stef presented it as fact.  Not one of the kids asked what might have caused it or even seemed interested in how it came to be.  Frankie was their sister.

Sometimes, it helped to imagine that Frankie had been dropped off as a foster baby.  That way, Lena could leave her own guilt out of the equation and focus on loving her as she came.

“Do you want to go to the pumpkin patch today?” Lena asked Frankie, who giggled and crawled away, wanting to be chased.

“We are going to get seven pumpkins and decorate them, and get all ready for Halloween.  What do you think about that?  Should we call Mom at work?  See what she thinks?”

“Mom,” Frankie nodded.

When Stef picked up, sounding tense, Lena put the phone to their daughter’s ear and coached her, so she said, “Hi, Mom!”

“Hey, my baby!  How are you?” Stef gushed, perking up immediately.

Lena whispered “pumpkin patch” in Frankie’s ear, and she repeated: “Munkin-bat?”

“Really?  Well that sounds fascinating.  I’m gonna talk to Mama now, yes?  I love you, Frankie.”

“Ah-ya-you Mom!”

It wasn’t until Lena got on the phone herself that she realized her mistake: seven pumpkins.  Not eight.

12:37 PM

Josh had been digging for hours.  His arms were sore and his legs were tired but he kept going.  Had to go fast enough to look like he was making progress but not too slow either because he wanted to stay alive.

His heart tripped in his chest.  “Jacob?” he said in his head.

It made sense if Jacob was trying to get a message to him - and that message especially - right now.  But it kind of destroyed Josh, too.  It made him think back to the last time he tried to get away.

(They tried to get away.)

Josh was gonna have to do so much different this time.  Like not try to be a damn hero for one thing.  If he was gonna get out of here (and if he was gonna be any good to New Kid) Josh knew he couldn’t involve him.  Safer for him to try something first.  But what?

Ever since He first brought New Kid here, Josh had been thinking about it.  Mariana’s way of acting out stuck in his head.  He could use that.  Probably.  If he could think of the rest.

Josh’s stomach growled but he kept digging.  Not thinking about what he was doing but what he was going to do.  Had to stay quiet and do what He wanted until just the right moment.  Knew better than to yell for help.  Around here, they’d just think it was some kid playing a game, not real life.  And he needed to be sure to stay alive long enough to actually get away.

“Mom?” he tried in his head.  “Mama?  Mari?  Brandon?  If you guys are there, tell me what to do and I’ll do it, okay, I promise.  Just tell me.”

“You are so damn slow!  What is wrong with you, dumbass?” He asked, jerking Josh’s leg chain and making him fall.

Josh almost passed out because he was thinking of Jacob and the way he squeaked and skidded across the linoleum.  Josh remembered staring at the hacksaw in the corner of the living room - glad He didn’t have it with Him and Jacob Down There.  Josh thought about how frozen he was that time.  

“You can’t get stuck this time, bud.  Stand up.  Keep going.  You have to keep going.”  Mama.  Inside his head after all.

Josh stood and started digging even faster.

“That’s more like it,” He said.  “Now I got work this afternoon, and you’re gonna stay out here and keep digging.  If you half-ass it, I’ll know.  If you try anything, I’ll know.  You got one job.  What is it?”

“Dig,” Josh said, voice flat.

“Jesus,” Mama said in his head.  “You’re safer in public, love.  See if you can go to school tomorrow--”

“--But make it seem like His idea,” Mom butted in.

Josh kept digging: “Are my teachers mad at me?”

“How the hell should I know?”

“For being absent.  I’m usually not ever.  I just thought, you know, they might be mad.”  Rambling.  Not good.  Josh was quiet, thinking, but kept his face blank.

“Can I be absent tomorrow, too?” he asked carefully.

He grinned an evil grin.  “Oh, you’re gonna be absent for a long time…”

Josh puffed out a breath.  Full-on Level 1 to help him fake it: relief.  “Awesome.  ‘Cause I have this huge test in pre-algebra coming up tomorrow, and I am not ready for it.  It’s good news I’ll miss it, right?”  Josh kept his eyes on the dirt.  Ears tuned the the rhythm of the shovel. Could practically hear the gears turning in His head.

“Oh, I think you can go to school one more day.  Can’t have you missing that test…” He said, even happier now.

Josh’s mouth dropped open.  “You said I got to be absent for a long time, though!” he exclaimed (pissed, not scared, no tears.)

“You will be.  After tomorrow.  Keep digging, dumbass.  By the way?  Your room?  Is going to Caleb,” He said over His shoulder.  “Enjoy it while you got it.”

“Where am I gonna sleep?” Josh insisted, more fake anger at His unfairness.  Keep digging.  Hard.  Josh had to make it look like he got more energy from being mad.

“Oh, I’ll find a place for you, don’t worry.  Dig.  Dumbass.”

Once He was in the house, and Josh still had his back to the door, Josh breathed out.  It worked.  It actually worked.  He couldn’t resist an opportunity to make Josh know how dumb he was, so he was going to school.

Excitement and terror crashed inside him.  School was a good Part One.  But what was he gonna do next?  How was he gonna get out of here?

“Stay focused, love.” Mama.

“We’re right with you.”  Mom.

The wind blew rustling the leaves on the trees around him:

“Stay alive,” they whispered.

Goosebumps rose on his arms.  

“I’m trying, Jacob.  I’m really trying,” Josh whispered back.

#fic: disuphere #fosters fic

[lovemesomesurveys]

Has anyone ever made fun of your taste in music? Yes.

What’s your favorite season of the year? Autumn and winter.

Do you have pop-tarts in your house right now? Nope.

Is anyone’s birthday coming up? My younger brother’s is this upcoming Saturday.

Does someone owe you over twenty dollars? Nope.

Do you remember who you liked in grade eight? My best friend, Kyle.

When was the last time you burned any part of your body? It happens somewhat when I drink coffee. I never seem to let it cool enough, I’m too impatient.

Have you ever overflown a bathtub? Nope.

Are you dressing up for Halloween this year? *shrug* I’m kind of over that.

Have you ever called somebody dollface? Yeah.

If I gave you ten dollars, what would you spend it on? Knowing me, probably food.

Have you ever thrown food at a stranger in a movie theater? Uh no. That would be incredibly rude.

What are you most excited about right now? Nothing.

Does / did either of your parents serve in the military? No.

Are you somewhat of a perfectionist? I wouldn’t say that.

Do you like sour candy? No. Apart from not enjoying the sour taste, it also irritates my tongue.

Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? I don’t know if I even want to get married, of if the opportunity will ever present itself. I can’t see it. I’m not thinking about marriage stuff or honeymoons.

Do you have Verizon? I do.

What do you do to stay awake when you’re tired? It’s a daily struggle as I’m always tired. I don’t even know why I fight it, really. I just try and keep myself occupied with Tumblr, surveys, TV, Youtube videos, reading, and coloring. I’ll be Tumblr-ing and start to doze off. Sigh. I wish caffeine helped, but it doesn’t. I just drink coffee cause I really like it, and I do need the caffeine even if it doesn’t help with my energy.

Are all nighters something you have grown used to? I used to stay up late pretty often. I was such a night owl. Now, I can barely pull all dayers.

Do you usually wear sunglasses when you’re driving? I don’t drive, and I don’t wear sunglasses. I need regular glasses for all the time, so I can’t wear sunglasses. I can’t afford to have a prescription pair, and adding the transition option is too expensive. I used to have that, though. Let’s be real here, how much time am I really spending outdoors anyway? ...Exactly.

Do you wear your shoes around the house? Nope.

Is there ever a time that you enjoy cold showers? No, actually. Even during the summer I still take hot showers. I can’t handle the cold water.

What clothes are you most comfortable in? My pajamas.

Is there anybody you’re not ashamed to tell anything to? No.

What has changed most about you in the past year? Health related things, both physically and mentally.

Are you good at painting nails? No.

Smoothies or slushies? Smoothies.

Are you good at filling silence in awkward situations? I’m the worst with awkward silences.

Ignoring nutrition, could you live off veggies for the rest of your life? Oh gosh no. I’m really not a veggie person. I like a select few, but I hardly ever eat those even. I don’t like them enough to eat just that for the rest of my life. Or any one thing, really. I need variety.

Elaborate on a way you have volunteered? I’ve volunteered at homeless shelters, a nursing home, an environmental nature center place, and club related things when I was in the psychology club in college.

Do you use a full length mirror daily? Not daily, no. I do have one in my room on the back of my door, though.

Can you walk in heels, or do you feel awkward in them? I cannot.

Any TV shows you sit down weekly to watch? Yeah, there’s a few.

Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partners? I don’t have one to speak of, but even if I did I wouldn’t want to share that aspect of my life with anyone.

Even if you don’t like politics, do you still have opinions on the issues? Of course. I keep up with things and have my opinions, I just choose to stay quiet about them for the most part.

Are you one to sneak food into movie theaters? Sometimes. Theater food is expensiveeee.

Will you tell someone if there’s something in their teeth? It’s always awkward because I don’t want to embarrass them, but at the same time I know it would be more embarrassing if I didn’t tell them and they went around like that all day. I usually just make a subtle motion to my mouth or teeth or something in a way that lets them know they have something on their teeth without actually saying so. 

Do you ever actually make your bed? I may toss the sheet back over, but I don’t do it in a neatly manner.

Do you make an effort to eat healthy? Ha, no. I’m horrible.

How are things between the person you like / love / are with? Non-existent. We have talked or hung out since last September.

Where did you sleep last night? My bed.

The last time you kissed someone, what color of shirt were they wearing? I don’t recall.

What year do / did you graduate? I graduated college back in 2015.

What kind of booze did you last take shots of? I don’t remember.

What’s something you want to purchase next time you’re at the mall? I have a few things I want to pick up for my friend as super late birthday and Christmas presents.

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you that you were sexy? Yes.

If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose? Hmm. I don’t know.

If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret? A million dollars. It would help out a lot for my family and I, and we’d also be able to some leisurely activities like travel. That would be nice.

Are you taller than your mom? Nope.

Have you ever been around someone who was high? Yes.

Do you prefer to take your showers at night or in the morning? I prefer to at night.

Think back to June. Were you in a relationship? Nope. I don’t have to think back, I’ve been single for a very long time.

What’s so special about what you’re wearing? Nothing. I’m wearing pajama pants and a long sleeved shirt.

Do you have any ‘naughty’ photos on your phone? No, and I never have.

Could you handle living with a male roommate? I’m not sure about the whole roommate thing in general. I live with my family, and that’s what works best for me right now. It’s what I like.

What were you doing at 10:00 this morning? Tumblring.

Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? Because? We don’t talk anymore, really. We haven’t since last July, and before that it been about three years. The most we do now is a “like” on Facebook or Instagram now and then.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Not romantic feelings, no.

What do you miss the most about your past? I miss my childhood. I miss when my health wasn’t how it is now. I’ve always had health related issues throughout my life, but it wasn’t like how it is now. I also didn’t let it get to me like I do now. I’m so weak now compared to the person I was years ago.

When is the next time you will kiss someone? I have no idea.

Has anyone taken their shirt off in front of you? Yeah.

Plan on getting drunk or high tonight? Nope. I don’t drink anymore, and I haven’t smoked for about three years now.

In the past week, have you cried hysterically? Yes.

Do you think you’ll actually live a happy life with somebody? I would like to find that, but it doesn’t seem like it’s the cards for me.... I feel like I’ll never have that.

Are you on birth control? No.

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No.

Last time you were really happy? I couldn’t even tell ya.

Do you tend to fall for players? Well, Joseph was. I just tend to fall for people who don’t feel the same way about me. Even if they seem interested and it seems like it might go in that direction, it doesn’t. I’m not worth that leap, I guess. They lose interest.

Why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex? Because I have moved on.

Have you ever asked a boy for advice? Yeah.

Are youwrapped in a blanket? No. I’m actually kind of warm at the moment.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? No. I don’t know the last time that I have gotten that much sleep.

Have you spoken to your mother today? Father? Yes to both. I speak to and see them everyday, we live together. I’m close with them, especially my mom.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[jennifermsangster]

It’s been a long time...

To anyone who may be reading this...

It’s been a while, that’s for sure.   Things have all gone a bit mental in the world haven’t they?!  One thing’s for sure, it’s not been easy mentally, physically, emotionally to cope with so many drastic changes.  To live in a new ‘normal’ and where it feels like things will never actually be the same again.  So how have I coped?!  Not well... Then okay.. then not well again.  It’s been a rollercoaster for sure.

I was furloughed for 3 months, which was tough because I really fell in love with my job when I started, I’d only been there for a month before Covid took hold of the world.  So leaving when I was just getting started felt wrong, especially as I’d been without a job/dangerously unhappy in my last job so it was like something great had been given to me then taken away.  Thankfully furlough helped money wise I just really missed my work mates and keeping my mind busy throughout the week!  On top of that I lost my dancing, this has been the biggest hit mentally and physically for me.  I’ve said it before and I will say it a thousand times until I’m blue in the face.  The feeling I get from Dancing, in particular when you get a really great dance partner who makes you feel fantastic and you can just let go and really artistically and mentally be free from everything its just euphoric for me and that was my form of therapy two to three times a week so having that cut from me was massive...

Let me explain a little more as to the effect not dancing has had on me.  Not only have I put on weight as I haven’t been exercising but I honestly feel heartbroken.  Like I’ve lost something inside of me, someone’s turned off my happiness switch in my head and it flickers occasionally but as soon as I hear a song I used to dance to or think of dancing up on the stage it goes pitch black again.  I’ve kept my true feelings about the loss of dancing away from a lot of people, not out of fear of feeling ashamed of how passionately I feel, actually the opposite, if I bring it up it only makes me worse, talking about it only makes it more real.  The reality is I’ll probably not be able to dance again properly until next Spring and that reality is a hard one to fathom.  

In the meantime, the loss of dancing has unfortunately had a huge effect on my mental health.  I’ve at times found myself experiencing new issues, I’m noticing paranoia set in, in my friendships, relationship etc I’m relying on other people to make me happy and I’m not sure how many times it’s going to take for me to realise that’s not possible.  I can sure get happiness out of other people’s relationships with me however I’m in charge of my own happiness.  I’ve actually taken the leap today to sign up to something completely new and exciting.  With the help from my best friend who has motivated and encouraged me to no end I’m going to give Crossfit a bash.  It’s not as a replacement to dancing, I’m hoping eventually when dancing returns I will be able to run the two alongside each other however I want to gain strength, not only physically but mentally.  And putting my body through such massive physical challenges in Crossfit will help me with that. 

I’m back at work now, and yes things have changed a lot and it’s weird speaking with my lovely customers hearing all the strange Covid based stories as to how certain businesses have to run now however being back has been amazing so far.  That first week was a massive shock to the system but that’s all worn off now, I’m really loving being back with my work family and doing what I love.  It’s crazy how quickly I adjusted after the job from hell before I found this gem.  It definitely helps my mental health being in a job I love and enjoy, I do know that a lot of my problems mentally are to do with work environments I’ve been in and the toxic environments I basically lived with for years and years.  I think it will take a long time for those scars to heal but I look forward to the time they do.

I’ve been trying new practices lately.  My heads been a bit scrambled what with the weird paranoia phase I’m going through however I’m trying to focus on positive affirmations and manifesting happiness.  I’ve been writing down things I want in life and reading it every single night.  Reminding myself of why I’m here and what I want and trying to keep positive every step of the way.  Trying to see the positives in the negatives is REALLY difficult when you’ve spent most of your life living in a negative mindset and also when you have relatively negative people around you it’s hard to be positive however I’m making changes to get there.  Some of my positive affirmations and wants and needs are as follows;

Move out with John and create a home where we are happy, healthy and enjoying life.

Join Crossfit and start achieving goals you never thought you had it in you to achieve. 

A few things to always remember;

- You are only human

- You cannot and should not control others you can only control yourself and your feelings.

- Think before you act or speak

- Just because you’re thinking it doesn’t mean it’s real (A really important one for paranoia - there are times I have to just keep saying this to myself over and over daily)

- You can and you will.

I’m currently at a place where even though I have my battles I’m looking forward and feeling positive about where I am going.  It won’t be long until John and I have our own little home again.  I’ll be joining Crossfit and getting obsessed with that no doubt.  Halloween will come around and I’ll get to randomly play with make up even though there will be no parties or trick or treaters because Covid.  Then it will be Christmas and before I know it Spring will have come around and BAM Dancing will be back and all will finally be right in the world!! 

Well that’s enough from me, I just really felt like rambling tonight if I’m honest.  There’s a lot on my mind and I find things a lot easier to write down that to actually physically speak up about so this is my little outlet.  I don’t really care that much if it gets read - my hope is that one day one person will be feeling similar things to me and will stumble across this little blog and feel some kind of comfort in the fact they are definitely not alone in their feelings! 

[lalka-laski]

Let’s start off with some basics. What’s your name? Elizabeth

How old are you? Way too old to be filling out Tumblr surveys but alas.

What’s your hair and eye color? Blonde hair, blue/green/gray eyed.

How tall are you? 5′7″ What’s your relationship status? In a beautiful, happy and HEALTHY relationship with my soulmate. Alright, enough of that. Let’s move on to the random shit.

What’s your favorite song? I could never choose just one but for the sake of the next few questions, let’s go with “Thursday’s Child” by David Bowie. What does that song mean? What is the message behind it? Simply put, it’s about being loved and accepted by someone who sees the light in you. It’s about coming to terms with your flaws and past mistakes to let yourself feel love. Is it your favorite because you relate to it, or do you just like the beat? It’s always been one of my favorites, even before I was in a positive relationship. I’ve always just loved its haunting but strangely hopeful sound. And I guess in many ways I’ve always felt like a “Thursday’s Child” myself. Have any pets? If so, what are they and what’s their names? Not presently Have you ever met your idol? I haven’t met any of them and I think in most cases I’d prefer not to What’s your favorite method of gaming? (PC, Xbox, Playstation, etc) I’m not into them If you’re in college, what’s your major and why did you pick it? I have a degree in English/Creative Writing and I don’t think I really need to bother explaining why, right? I like reading and writing. Pretty straightforward. How’re you doing today? Not bad! I’m really fatigued despite sleeping for about 13 hours last night, but otherwise I’m fine. Just having an ordinary but boring workday (hence the survey). What color are your bedroom walls? White Describe your favorite shirt. Lately it’s an off the shoulder cropped sweater that I’ve been wearing EVERYWHERE What’s your view on smart watches? Cool or a waste of money? Ehh... they’re not for me. I’m not that into gadgets and such, so I’d have no use for one. But I don’t judge others for wearing them/wanting them. What is one poster that you have hanging on your bedroom wall of? I actually have no wall decor in my bedroom right now! And I’ve been living in this apartment for over 6 months, so I can’t use the “just moved in” excuse anymore. I have some really beautiful artwork to hang up, I just haven’t gotten around to it. How many times have you moved in your life? Twice as a child, then twice for college (two separate colleges) and then once as an “adult” If you moved, do you like where you are now better than where you were? I absolutely ADORE my apartment right now. It’s cozy and homey but still has all the amenities of modern digs. It’s in a prime location that grants me all the benefits of city living (walking distance from my job, stores and bars, and a short car ride from anywhere else I frequent) but also all the advantages of suburbia (quiet, safe neighborhood). I really lucked out and I plan to live here for the next few years.

What’s your favorite color and why? Soft pink, because I aspire to be Elle Woods and/or a Disney Princess. Do you have a calendar? If so, what’s the theme? Nope. I tend to always buy them just because I love the look but then I never end up using them.

Have any famous person’s autographs? WELL I went to a Mat Kearney show and meet and greet at a local record shop and got his autograph & a photo. In all my excitement afterwards, I set the autograph down somewhere and lost it. (Typical me) I still have the photos though and that’s really all I care about. Do you draw well? I was actually decent at drawing as a kid/tween and I really enjoyed it. I’m sure I could’ve taken my interest further, but I was intimidated by the art scene at my high school. It was pretty cutthroat and the levels of talent were unreal, and I was just too afraid to even try. What type of cell phone do you have? Iphone 7 Should you be doing anything else right now or are you just bored? I’m at work right now and to be honest, there’s hardly any actual work I need to do. So here I am... Are you a cat or a dog person? Why? I’m a cat person by default because of my extreme aversion to dogs. I don’t like their energy and hyperactivity! Cats are calm and cuddly which is much more my speed. Tell me about the plot of your favorite book. I could never choose a single favorite, but I’ll describe the plot of the last great book I read: a former film star and sex symbol relays her life story in vivid, salacious detail, to a “nobody” journalist. Do you wear glasses or contacts? Reading glasses, on which I’m growing more and more dependent... What do you think about horror movies? I liked them in my youth. But as I grow older and more anxious (and more worn down by life’s shittiness) I can’t handle them as much. If you love them (I do), what’s your favorite? I like the classics like Halloween. Lots of suspense with little gore. Got any cool Christmas presents picked out for family or friends yet? I’m going on a family vacation a couple weeks before Christmas so we’ve all decided our money is best spent on that trip. We’ve agreed to do no gifts this year. Glenn and I are still going to exchange, however, since it’ll be our first Christmas morning together and I mean, we gotta open SOMETHING! Do you do Black Friday shopping or wait for Cyber Monday? Neither appeals to me Have any mental illnesses? Wow, what a question! What’s your favorite word and why? In all seriousness, I hate this question because I can never think of a clever answer. I like lots of words!! Don’t put me on the spot like this!! What is the most expensive thing you own, and what is it? My Smart TV maybe? Did you buy that item yourself? No, it was a graduation gift. Where do you work and what is your position? I work at a fertility clinic and I do administrative work and some marketing. How often do you cuss? A lot more often than I realize What type of car do you drive, if any? I don’t Do you have a lot of social media accounts? Which ones? Tumblr obviously, Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat. And I have an Instagram but it’s a “finsta” so it’s not associated with my actual identity. What is your favorite genre of music? Most of what I like falls into rock/alternative/new wave categories Does your family have holiday traditions? If so, what are they? We do, although they seem to have gotten all out of sorts these past few years. But the advantage of that is now we can create new ones! If you’re in a relationship, are you happy with it? It’s bliss <3  How long have you been with your significant other? A little over a year officially, although we were “talking” for about a year prior. I know, so millenial.  Do you like psychology?  Oh for sure, the human mind is fascinating.  What is something your state is popularly known for? Everything associated with New York City, although that’s hours away from me. Other than that hmm... Wegmans?  Do you like to do craft projects? If so, what’s the coolest thing you made? I do! I actually need to bring my art desk and craft supplies over to my apartment so I can craft more. I love scrapbooking, paper quilling, painting little trinkets and knick knacks... all kinds of projects! Do you watch sports or do you think they’re overrated? They don’t interest me much at all.  What’s one occupation you think gets paid too much and doesn’t deserve to? Well while we’re on the topic of sports, professional athletes are disgustingly overpaid.  Do you straighten your hair? My hair is naturally pin straight but sometimes I’ll run a straightener through it depending on what style I’m going for.  Ever dyed your hair a color that isn’t natural? (blue, pink, etc) Never How’s your relationship with your parents? This is tough. My parents are good people and they certainly worked hard to provide for us financially and materially. And they did spend a lot of quality time with us. My dad was a lovable goofball and my mom was a nurturing, quintessential mama hen. That said, they weren’t perfect and a lot of their shortcomings have created long-term issues for me. I struggled with my mental health a lot as a pre-teen and teen, battled disordered eating and developed a drinking problem (among other things). My parents solution for all of this was to essentially place me on lock-down and send me to a therapist while offering no actual support of their own. They rarely, if ever, checked in to see how I was progressing or to help me get to the root of the problems. I missed out on a LOT of natural milestones that I should’ve experienced because of my perpetual lock-down, and I never combated my binge-drinking; I just learned how to better hide it. So I resent them for this and I often wonder where I’d be in life if I got the support I needed, when I needed it. So while I still love them and we do have a solid relationship (we talk daily), I’ll always feel a little sour about that. Do you still live with them or do you have your own house? I live on my own, which has been a great relief and in many ways, has made our relationship stronger.  What’s something you are currently saving money for to buy? I’m just trying to live... lol  Do you smoke/vape? If so, what brand do you smoke/what device do you use? I don’t do either. I own a CBD vape pen but I don’t really use it.  Ever done drugs? No hard drugs Tell me one of your worst habits. Binge eating and drinking, excessive worrying, obsessing...  What’s a weird quirk you have that no one else you know do? I love reading the profiles on writeaprisoner.com, then googling the inmates’ names to find out the crime(s) they committed.  If you game, what type of headset do you use? What type of computer do you own, and do you like it? An Acer chromebook. I like it because it has a touchscreen and movable keyboard so I can use it as a tablet or laptop.  What’s the thing that annoys you the most? Bigotry of all kinds.  What brand of TV do you have? Samsung Are you excited for Christmas?  I’m excited to spend my first Christmas Eve/Christmas morning with Glenn and start creating new traditions  Tell me about your favorite vacation you’ve taken. All my favorite moments are at my family’s cottage in Canada. 

Tell me something cool about yourself. There’s not much about myself that I’d consider “cool...” Haha  Did/do you get good grades in school/college? I had exceptional grades and test scores in elementary school and was considered “gifted.” These alleged gifts kind of dwindled in middle school as I let myself get too distracted by personal/emotional/social problems. I got decent grades in high school (all As in subjects I enjoyed, Bs in the subjects I struggled with), but excelled in college and graduated Summa Cum Laude. So that’s my roundabout way of saying yes I did, just not always. 

What’s your ringtone on your phone? It is 2019 my dude...  What’s your favorite store to shop in? For clothes I like Express, Buckle or most department stores. Although I’ve been doing more online shopping than anything lately.  If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would buy and why? I’d pay off all my debts and then I’d book a trip around the world.  How long have you had a Bzoink account? What on God’s green earth is that...?

Ever been to Field of Screams? If so, what’s your favorite attraction? Again, what is that? Do you own a Polaroid camera? Nope  Do you have hardwood floor in your room or carpet? Carpet

It’s a Saturday night, what are you typically doing? Either out with friends or snuggled at home reading/watching a movie/drinking some wine.  Do you have a lot of friends or do you not have any at all? I have a lot, but only a select few that I hang out with regularly.  What’s your all time favorite movie and why? Legally Blonde, because I love the message and of course, the aesthetic. 

How many blankets do you sleep with at night? One or two  What’s the last TV show you watched? Did you enjoy it? I’m currently watching this ridiculous gift-wrapping competition and I’m laughing my head off at the absurdity of it all. (PS- for anyone reading this survey all the way through, I’m no longer at work. Yes, I’m taking this survey in two parts because I enjoy these questions so much! Do you prefer cable TV or do you use Netflix? Netflix & Hulu  What is your dream job and why? A writer/contributor to a magazine or website. I’d love the ability to write about topics that interest me for a living.  Do you think you would be a good therapist? No. I think I’m very empathetic, I’m a good listener and I give good advice (for the most part). But I’m a Type 4 which means I’m often too wrapped up in my own head. I wouldn’t have the emotional energy to be a therapist. 

What’s your favorite brand of clothing? Didn’t I already answer this? Did you like this survey? One of the best I’ve taken! Hence why I saved this draft to finish it hours after I started haha

#survey

[desperatelyseekingroleplay]

Looking for Roleplay Partners

•General/Writing Style•

-Literate->Novella

-4+ paragraphs

-Quality over Quantity

-Try to match my length

-3rd person, past tense

-Decent grammar, spelling, and flow

-No texting language unless chatting OOC(u, 2, 4got)

-Varied vocabulary and sentence structure

-Acknowledge my response within yours to some extent.

•Age•

-18+ only. No exceptions.

•Response Frequency•

-Preferably once a day or once every other day

-Try to be consistent (most important).

-Do not harass me for responses. I am a very busy graduate student. If I am silent for a week, you may send a single reminder.

-Communicate(also very important). If you will be gone/much less active for a week+, say so. I will try to do the same.

•Genre•

Preferred

-Drama

-Romance

-Slice-of-life

-Supernatural

-Mystery

-Sci-Fi

•Gender and Romantic Preference•

-I almost always play a female main.

-I can play male side characters.

-I do MxF, FxF, and MxM my preference for them in that order.

-I do not play male in MxF. No exceptions.

-(The password of the month is your best Halloween costume or favorite candy if you don’t do costumes)

-I do not engage in dom-sub or seme-uke personality dynamics. No exceptions.

-No smut. Such scenes /must/ fade to black. No exceptions.

-I am open to non-romantic rolepays.

•Plots/Creativity•

-Be open to brainstorming

-Though I have plots, feel free to bring your own.

-For my plots, if I indicate which muse I would like to play, please respect that.

-Be willing to drive/add your own twists to the plot at times.

•OCs•

-I will not roleplay with excessively shy or submissive OCs as I find they make it very difficult to progress plots.

-Obviously, no Mary-Sues, Gary-Stus or OP OCs

-If your OC has mental or physical health issues, please do not let said issues monopolize the plot.

-I will not roleplay as or with canon characters.

-Do not control my main OC.

-At times I may permit you to control my unnamed side characters, but /always/ run it by me.

•Fandoms•

-Corpse Party

-Danganronpa

-Black Mirror

-Death Note

-Avatar The Last Airbender

-Downton Abbey

-Call The Midwife

-The Hunger Games

-Harry Potter

•Current Plots•

1. Marianoh's Culinary Institute is the most renowned school for culinary arts in the country. Any who truly wish to be a master chef would be foolish not to attend. Unless they don't have the means- the tuition is insanely high. Muse A is part of the lucky few of humble beginnings that has been selected to attend via scholarship. They couldn't be more excited. Muse B, on the other hand, comes from a family of celebrity chefs. Their spot at Marianoh's was confirmed before birth. Yet somehow, they don't share Muse A's joy. Far from it actually. What happens when the two are partnered up for the year?(I play Muse A)

2. Muse A was born into a society where 'falling in love' is not a thing. Sure, it's written in about fairy tales and even history texts, but most Readers laugh it off as a silly, archaic concept. All couples are formed by reading Cerebral wavelengths, stats that are unique to every individual. Every person has a single match and are paired with that person permanently when they come of age. No trades, no take-backs. Muse B, though born into the regular world, doesn't believe in love either. Perhaps it was the plight of their parents, or that one nasty breakup. Perhaps it was the sight of all the couples around who'd be love-dovey one week, but strangers the next. Whatever it is, they don't buy it. That suits Muse A just fine- their Cerebral wavelengths not only don't match, they bang together in a cacaphony. Why is it then that these two begin experiencing an undeniable pull to each other? (I play Muse A)

3.(Based on a manga I can’t find the name of :( ) In a smaller country, tucked away from the rest of the world, people are born into a unique system. They are either Energy Givers or Energy Takers. Their ability activates from a young age and they are paired with the most compatible one of the opposite ability as soon as possible, usually early elementary school. Energy is transferred from the giver to the taker via a kiss on the lips and must be done at least once a day. While partners are not necessarily romantically involved, the two depend on each other immensely. Without receiving energy, the taker will quickly tire, weaken and collapse becoming comatose and at risk of death. If they do not give energy, the giver’s energy supply builds up making them suffer from nausea, lethargy, fevers, and other unpleasant symptoms that will gradually worsen to the point where their life is in danger. Should a pair of partners be separated either through death or other means, the lone individual must visit a donation center where they will be paired with a donor that somewhat matches until a more compatible, new permanent partner is finally found. Now for the main plot. Muse A and Muse B are a Giver-Taker pair that has been together since childhood. Their feelings grew from platonic to romantic and by high school, the two were a golden, seemingly unbreakable couple. Near the end their last year, all comes to a grinding halt when Muse B suddenly breaks up with Muse A and disappears. Five years down the line, Muse A is a jaded, lonely individual, known for constantly going from donor to donor. Deciding they need a change, they take a teaching job in a boarding school on the other side of the country. Yet when they walk into the faculty office on their first day, they find themselves placed in a desk right next to Muse A. Not only this, the two are in the same department. How will things proceed? (I play Muse A.)

#Slice of Life Roleplay Wanted #Original Roleplay Wanted #Seeking Roleplay Partner #Long Term Roleplay Wanted #Roleplay Partner Ad #Roleplay Partner Needed #Rp Partner Search #Roleplay Partner Wanted #Writing Partner Wanted #Bandom Roleplay Wanted #Rp Partner Ad #Rp Partner Wanted #Roleplay Partner Search #21+ Roleplay Wanted #Desperately Seeking Roleplay #SFW Roleplay Wanted #Rp Buddy Search #Rp Partner Needed #submission