#this was someone with less experience than me too

[drowninginblox]

Thoughts on Fit's Last QSMP stream- spoilers ahead

It is Thursday, May 23rd, 2024. 2:36pm EST when writing. And I am disappointed in myself. Not for anything Fit, the server, the admins, or anyone besides me has done.

I hoped. And once again, I am expectedly crushed. I had a feeling that Fit would take himself out of the equation in the way he did. There would be no Pac Camio (ghost or living), no sight of Ramon either. Just business, as Fit is one to do.

But god did I hope for something out of a fanfiction. The biggest contenders were Pac's ghost or a hallucination speaking to Fit at the bottom of that damn hole to prep and escort him to the afterlife where everyone was waiting for them. OR the idea that Fit, after returning to the island, would kill himself in a similar but unique way to Pac and Mike. Regardless, neither happened. But I am very happy in what I witnessed.

I won't get into too much there will be vod watchers who accidentally stumble into Tumblr- to which I tell you, GO WATCH THE DAMN VOD.

Nonetheless, I enjoyed the Fit abused in-game mechanics to justify his survival down there. However, it calls into question whether or not he took up cannibalism again (writers you know what to do) in which I digress cus that a conversation within itself. I also appreciated that Fit made the effort to check up on more people other than just Pac and Ramon. It sounds like "Yeah, ofc." but let us remember that most of us (and I could be wrong) are shippers, and our yearning for Hideduo kind of blindsided the other relationships q!fit has. (This applies to me to just so yall know)

What fit did to justify or at least give credence to Ramon's character was sweet and I really hope we get some Ramon-centric fics about the possibility of his survival in an otherwise abandoned world, similar to his father. I may do that on my own but definitely not today. Mr. Fit Em See fucking wrecked me and I really could use some fluff right now. Whether it be at my own hand or someone else's, I could not care less.

Hueveitos, we are all going through it. And I bet on all the money I have that Twitter is going insane, Tumblr is dying, and Fit is either taking a well-deserved break or laughing his ass off at us. Probably both knowing that fucker. The brilliant bitch he is. I apologize for not liveblogging, I was enamored with what was going on. But we all were lol

Anyway, I'm probably gonna listen to the music Fit included in the finale and daydream of better days for q!Fit. Ones where, maybe, in another life, something happened on Madagascar's end where the tech didn't work and Fit was suspended in the QSMP for the rest of his natural life. Maybe Ramon is fine enough and just wondering, looking for Fit in an otherwise empty world. Hell, in another life, Pac waited longer for his American boyfriend. Maybe everyone did. Maybe the kids didn't get sick, maybe they all died a week or so after they were found. Who knows!

But with what we were given, and who we had to spend that time with, I know that I'll always look back on the Qsmp in a similar vein to another sorry sap of a sever I know. The memories will persist, the story will continue to be told. The world will keep spinning, and I will keep writing.

Thank you to everyone who was involved in the experience whether it be seen or unseen admin, CC's who somehow found this post on a hellcite, any and all fandom goers that I have stumbled upon in search of solace from the canon, and my girl over discord! I DON'T KNOW YOU AT ALL BUT YOU'VE HELPED ME GET THROUGH THE LAST LEG OF THIS JOURNEY!!

Here's to tomorrow everyone, regardless of what happens! I love this community and I sure as shit hope you guys don't become strangers!

#qsmp fitmc #q!fitmc #q!fit #qfit #q fitmc #q fit #qsmp

[hakugreenfinch]

sorry im being silly tonight. im just thinking about how. i was placed 3rd at a cosplay competition at japanexpo paris this year. and its one of my biggest achievements as a cosplayer and i cant really brag about it. like i told my parents. i guess. my friends congratulated me. thats nice. like. really nice. but idk its like. when people go to cons abroad and get placements, even when they dont, mondo posts about it and they get two pages in the next mondo issue. and i guess you have to let them know for them to report it but. it just feels like something thats cool if youre a big cosplay name and trashy if youre not and with 13 years like literally half my lifetime and a long history of competing i know im still not someone anyone would name their favourite cosplayer. im just some guy whos too broke and depressed to be able to make a big name and so my shitty little third place at the biggest anime con in europe feels like no big deal.

#hakuna matata #i won a prize at mondocon this april and the only reason im proud of that is a cosplayer i really love judged me #i was really happy i could show myself off to her and that she liked me this much bc shes the reason i started doing skits #otherwise it was... humiliating. #a pat on the head. #every other craft category got cosplay supplies. i got a big led keyboard for a computer i dont have because it was from a sponsor. #im conflicted too bc if i were to tell mondo about it they would post about it like 'representing hungary' #i didnt represent shit. i represented myself and an anime i love. i entered because my mondo prize felt like a sick joke #and i wanted to know if im worth anything as a craftsman besides being a funny clown #its like i do cool shit but barely anyone sees it. #something something tree falling in a forest #its also hurting because just this year i was told by someone that i cant cosplay seriously without expensive tools #this was someone with less experience than me too #like... what do i have to do? i compete abroad #i get prizes abroad i win mondo prizes ive been doing it for more than a decade i learned entirely new skills trying to cut costs #what do i have to do to be like. more than a clown in funny costumes. #(running a facebook page is not an option. i deleted the old one in a depressive episode and im not making another one) #argh idk. i published a fanbook this year. about to open preorders for my first collaborative charity fanzine. #it feels like the only people i can brag about these to are the people who already know about everything i do and support me #which!!! really!!! im super glad to have friends like this!!! #its just. sigh i wish i could tell more people about the things i do and get a reaction other than 'ok but who are you' #or 'idk what this means but congrats' #like. more than a pat on the head. #idk. idk im sad again and i feel like nothing matters and i dont want to bore my friends with this. #they deserve better than me making them feel like their love and support doesnt mean as much as they want to.

[barghest-land]

tw suicide thanks to everyone who reached out and helped with the info, i'm sorry i can't really respond to messages rn cuz i just don't have any resources for it if anyone ever needs it tho, this thing works no matter where you're from and calling them from overseas isn't even expensive. it's english mostly but it's possible to talk in spanish to them too, idk about other languages; they also have a department (?) specially for queer people: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: +1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) i thought it might also help someone. a few things that were important to me: it's also a crisis line. no, u don't have to be suicidal to call, no, u don't have to stand-on-the-roof-ready-to-jump to call. they usually call back on the next day to check if everything is ok, but they can't call back overseas. u can always do that urself if u need to tho that's ok too. also ofc u don't have to share any personal info. in my case it's also good that i don't have to speak my native language cuz i don't want a call to be traced by some phrases.

stay safe

#anyway i hope they don't mind me calling them too often #it's a bit embarrassing to talk about it #but who am i to not overshare the new experience to the whole internet #even if it's calling to. places like that.. lmao #i absolutely love my survival instinct cuz everytime something like this happens i just call someone #idk what would happen if i didn't #also by saying it isn't expensive i mean for me it was less than 2 euros for an hour

[puppyeared]

i feel shy talking here when i dont have anything worth sharing but i cant help feeling like ive said things in the tags that could be brought up in court

#im joking #i think i just get embarrassed saying smth that most ppl can see out in the open. its like when prey animals are grazing in a pasture #and then they hear a twig snap yk. im like that. but talking in the tags is more comfortable because it just feels more.. hidden?? quiet??? #its kind of like how i prefer responding thru asks than DMs.. idk if it has something to do with space or less pressure #i also use these as an excuse to ramble a little abt recent events so. ive worked a little bit on shuffle and prestos backstories ^_^ #i was thinking abt giving them a shared past where they knew each other as kids and forgot but i also though hmm.. idk if it would drive th #story i want bc i think itd be better if they bonded over similar experiences instead of the fact that they knew each other before. i get #that reconnecting and reconciling your idea of someone now and then is a good concept but id have to think abt it.. i dont want it to feel #like they owe each other to be friends again just bc they were as kids. ive experienced that a lot and all it did was make me feel guilty #so i think id want to write it as u can be friends with someone who had similar experiences and make u wish you knew each other then #i also know theyd hate each other but idk HOW. i suck at writing conflict so idk if theyd try to make each other eat glass and why #idk if itll ever come up but id also like to see if theres a way i could rationalize why they have animal ears.. normally i say aliens #but ive had an idea for a species and background for that too. although its very abstract and it probably has a lot of holes #smth abt peoples souls attaching themselves to smth they identify with.. although i dont know to what extent like if it can #be called a sona or if it can even be smth mythical like a unicorn or god itself.. its very weird rn #yapping #oc talk

[andthebeanstalk]

Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!

You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!

You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!

You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!

Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!

Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!

So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.

Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!

Better accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues should suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.

Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.

Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*

Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...

Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.

Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.

Better not get confident.

Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)

Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people

- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties

- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations

- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you

- you might start loving the effect you have on a room

- you might enjoy conversations more

- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently

- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations

- you might stop apologizing so much.

- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.

Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!

Why, it would be carnage!!

In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things!

- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.

- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.

- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.

- You might know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.

You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.

So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to take to cut your awkward self some slack for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.

#social skills #i have a few posts now in my ' social skills' tag #original #maybe eventually I will compile them and polish them in some meaningful way. I know what I want to call the book title #in big text it'll say 'I'M AUTISTIC' and then beneath that in smaller text 'And I Have Better Social Skills Than You' #or something to that effect. and the cover of the book will be me making an exaggerated smug face like the little rascal I am #challenging the viewer to pick up the book and see if they can prove me wrong. #and then the entire first section of the book is about how actually the issue with our society's social skills is the harsh judgment #for people who have trouble communicating and not the other way around. I don't actually think I'm the #most charismatic person in the world by a very long shot. but i do know that I have put more thought into my social skills than #most allistic people and frankly i have surpassed most of them. not because i am more persuasive or smooth or funny #(tho i am persuasive and funny lol) but bc i have questioned which social functions are more restriction than utility. #and instead i have focused my energy on actively learning how to make people feel safe. i feel social rules would benefit all people by #being a little more autistic tyvm. i don't think every person should dedicate themselves to being better at communicating #i think people should dedicate themselves to being kind and patient to everyone regardless of their ability to communicate #I think our society wrongly links communication ability to intelligence and intelligence to level of humanity. #when in fact all three of those things are fucking unrelated and connecting them inevitably leads to #really fucked up views on disabled people that hurt us. and then with that aspect of the book firmly understood and established I would #go on to recommend some ways to make socializing easier and more fulfilling (and less shameful and terrifying) for all kinds of people #it wouldn't be a book about Leaning In To Succeed in Business or 'here's how to avoid being the awkward loner at a party' #it'd be a book about how if you see someone alone at a party here's how to invite them to join your group without pressuring them #stuff like 'hot tip! if someone takes a while to type or speak a full sentence - talking over them b4 they can finish makes u an asshole!' #I know that a lot of people cannot or don't want to dump a lot of skill points into socializing like i did and they shouldn't have to in #order to experience basic dignity and respect. if we treat people like that then we just validate that people - especially #autistic children and elders and disabled people of manu varieties - have to suffer unless they learn all these arbitrary bullshit rules #and a lot of them are arbitrary bullshit! one of the reasons I throw people off so much is because I harmlessly break a lot of social rules #but I know I'm doing it and I'm not ashamed and people just don't know what to do with that! but a lot of them like it actually!! #i think it's a relief to be around someone so openly and unrelentingly weird bc what am I gonna do? judge you for being weird?? #I only care if you're kind. not necessarily 'nice' or passive. Kind. Brave enough to care about people being treated well. Kind. #also I recognize that at least some of my ability to be openly weird is white privilege so that's important to acknowledge too

[goldkirk]

.

#the thing that just keeps nagging me is that there's no way i was the only one right #i can't imagine he went his whole life and only got inappropriate with me after he was already a grandpa and everything #and i doubt he stopped after he lost easy access to me and dropped me like i never mattered at all #i keep thinking i should report it so at least its on record for someone else if they report too #or if someone else already reported than maybe me saying my experience could make that person be believed #but the thing is #(also remember this man is now dead anyway) #he was an officer and detective and then police chief for years before he ever became mayor #and he was so corrupt #and the city is an entagled nightmare of corruption and stuff #like we legitimately got multiple threatening phone calls and answering machine recordings from this man and his minions more than once ove #the years for various city council things and when my parent ran for election again years later and he didn't like that #anyway #the point is that the guy who was elected mayor after him was buddies with him anyway and ran the city the same way but with less #outward narcissism visibly #and the guy that got elected mayor after HIM a few years ago...you'll never believe this... #was also a police officer and then police chief for years and then got elected mayor...and THE FORMER MAYOR'S SON (the one who hurt me) #so while I would like to report it #i am. very nervous about how safe the police department is and how entwined it still is with the mayor's office #bc back in the day MY mayor had like. complete interconnections with the police still the whole way through. wayyyyy sketch #i don't know this new mayor #i know what his father did and i know what his father and his father's ideal people he surrounded himself with were like #and the city hasn't addressed or fixed any of its past corruption and stuff except in small department-upwards movements here and there #so i'm like. i don't live there anymore and i'd need to make a phone call to do any reporting #i have to go through them instead of the county police that i'd feel much safer with (relatively #they're still police obvs) #i'm like...i really want this on record. for the sake of the community and anyone else like me in case they're out there too. #and as an acknowledgment of my own belief in myself and a way to make it so even if i get scared i can never hide the secret again and #but like................is it safe for me to even tell that police department

[notmoreflippingelves]

Obsessed with the dynamic (not romantic, not platonic, but a secret third thing--both and yet neither) between two characters who knew and cared about each deeply years ago when they were both younger and life was much less complicated.

But then, tragic, transformative circumstances separated them. Assuming that this separation was certainly permanent, because how could it not be?

And yet, somehow finding each other again years later, and sometimes they aren't sure whether the reunion that they once longed for with every fiber of their beings is a blessing, a curse, a joke, or a punishment.

Because they've both changed in the intervening years--largely because of the hellish circumstances that caused their separation. They've both changed completely and irrevocably, even if one of them has changed much more noticeably and dramatically than the other to the point of seeming a complete stranger. It is about leaning to see and appreciate all the things that have changed about the other and all the things that have not changed. It's about learning to reconcile beloved, often rose-tinted memories with the complex, yet-equally-compelling reality of the person those memories are about.

#it's the very particular sensation of loving someone who is both recognizably your beloved childhood partner-in-mischief #while also being someone so different (physically; mentally; and/or emotionally) that you can scarcely see their past self in them #and knowing the feeling is mutual #and also knowing that the only person who can truly understand the full extent of the change in you is each other #because their transformation is linked to your own #forged in and through the unique experiences that you shared and the way you were separated #it's the idealized adoration of youthful playmates/pseudo-siblings #transforming into a very different but no less powerful connection in adulthood #that's what really gets me #it's just #*chefs kiss* #estabalena #nahyupollo #jaydick #anyway this post is specifically about estabalena and jaydick #and to a lesser extent apollo/nahyuta #but it doesn't really matter if people tag and respond with other ships #even the narumitsus provided they recognize that not every post was made for them #it goes double for jaydick and estabalena tho since they each have two (2) shared formative and transformative experiences #that few (if any) others can possibly understand #for estabalena; it's the 41 years of suffering in the dark times and the crystal well magic flowing through ones veins #for jaydick; it's the experience of being "Robin' and feeling that the role and all it means was ripped from you too soon #and then it's the experience of dying and your family failing to welcome you back with open arms #because you didn't come back 'right' or quick enough #and that you 'chose' to stay away rather than circumstances forcing the issue #apollo/nahyuta also has the jaydick parallels in terms of bruce and dhurke #it's recognizing that your very human shared father figure failed you in many ways #even as he simultaneously saved you in others #he made you both the best version of yourself while also creating or enabling all of your worst tendencies #just

[beastcpu]

Yknow wild take but i honestly think the extreme hostility towards straight people is not only childish but also coming from the people who have been the target of homophobia the least. It's all so performative

#in my experience at least #i have literally been called straight (derogatory) by someone who has absolutely experienced less homophobia than me #cause they're all just repeating what they hear and spend too much time online #be friends with straight people #for the love of god #txt

[gnometa233]

This might be a hot take because I know everyone is the most knowledgeable about themselves but sometimes I think people just have "complex genders" for the sake of having complex genders and making things more complicated for themselves. And half of that complexity comes from the outside pressure of gender roles and misogyny.

#yes we should respect peoples genders and their experiences #but sometimes...yall are doing a little too much #inb4 someone says 'well i wouldnt CHOOSE to have a gender this complicated' #idk man i dont know you but to quote someone smarter than me 'when you think you have to do more #do less.

[vacant2007]

tries to interact with people who havent experienced some variation of the same trauma as me and realizes that for them its always just going to be sort of weird or awkward or a drag to be around. lonely feeling..

#and its not as if its rare..but then of course talking to people who've experienced it About it can trigger me #like what do i do lol!! #all i really want is someone who like..understands #like Really understands #the situation is so hard to define too ive met ppl whove gone thru similar but not exactly the same #its not any worse or ..less worse? or anything than the average experience with this ig..just different. different dynamics involved #different effects on my life #i feel like ive never talked to anybody who just Gets It #cw abuse #personal

[lottalove01]

rant <3

#so i told my friend im thinking abt engaging more in my christian community again starting w going to church more and visiti g exchanges etc #she kniws abt basically all my other friends being more than less religious and active in their respective communities #+ my family being religious even during soviet times and she even kniws abt the orthodox side of my family #so this shouldnt surprise her this much #why is she trying to talk me out of it saying christianity is evil and she cant agree to creationism like ok bitch me too #she acting as if im gonna become some republican american blonde woman or an primitive medieval peasant wthhh #and like i get it she and her family have always been agnostic and she doesnt have any personal experience with believe and faith #but that is even more reason to shut the hell up?? especially bc i just told her as like a life update i didnt want to start a discussion #w an agnostic no less #ppl like that make me so uncomfortable and then she kept saying things like this person is godless as a joke like stfu??? #and kept bringing up she csnt believe in god at random times it made me so umcomfortable #especially bc now i feel hesitant to invite her to hangouts w my more 'strict' friends like idk what she thinks abt them and i dont want to #expose my friends who have to listen to enough shit to someone like that like i want my home to be a safe space for my friends #anyways thats the same girl who keeps telling me she doesnt think im white and when i tell her her saying this makes me uncomfortable #shes argues its ok bc she is not white herself ok wth im literally german/slavic how is that not white im crying #cant really articulate what exactly makes me uncomfy abt this but feels like she wants to enable me its really weird #also with tge christian stuff like ive always been religious she kniws abt me reading religious texts its so weird to me #why are you my friend if you disagree with a foundamental part of my life #maybe she thoight i was an ok one bc me and my familys approach to believe and faith is very relaxed but wth man

[nobodybetterlookatme]

Okay I'm not saying that this semester's students suck ass bc I'm not there to teach them, but isn't it just such a coincidence that the vast majority are failing so miserably and they don't have someone who will tutor them outside of class and go over notes and skills with them, while the previous semesters did have that and the majority passed? Super interesting stuff. Too bad we'll never know if things could've been different if they had just fucking paid me :)

#can you tell I'm peeved lmao #i went to one of the classes today just so i can keep it on my resume #and holy fuck #weeks into the semester and they should have the basics down #they do not #absolutely floundering #granted I'm sure I'm not actually the reason lmao #like yeah i helped a shit ton of students outside class too #but they probably could've passed without me #these new ones tho are awful #no drive no nothing just looking for others to blame for their own failures #i didn't even stay the whole time like i was planning #bc i found out that they hired four other fucking people for the program #who all have less experience than me #and have been with the program for a way shorter time than i have #who don't do half the extra shit i do #and don't get me wrong this isn't a slight at them they're all fully qualified #but why the fuck not hire me #like i genuinely am so pissed #have to email my supervisor but I'm too upset to make it sound civil #like fucking fine if you don't wanna pay me you never get to see me again #I'm not working ten hour days plus extra outside of class for nothing anymore that's insane #I'll keeping being a private tutor for the students but I'm not doing a single thing for the program without pay #i mean holy shit hiring at least four other people and not saying shit to me?? #like fine that's fine fuck you you're getting an email ultimatum good luck finding someone else willing to do all that for free #i cried about it for like an hour and now I'm just mad lmao having a super normal one rn #anyway #not snz

[euphor1a]

Hello, my belovedest petals 🌸

It’s been,,, 365 days since I started posting on here 🎀 (the first post made on this blog, for reference!), and I just wanted to thank all of you for being here, from the bottom of my heart ♡

To celebrate, I’ve changed my blog theme entirely (both on mobile n desktop) >.<! I wanted to do something ~unusual~ that is not out of my reach and capabilities, so I thought maybe this would be a good idea... I mean, everyone likes to look at pretty things, right? So I hope you guys can look at all the pretty gfx I made and feel happy in some way 🦋✨🌆! It took me whole 4 days and probably 40+ hours of brainstorming and working on everything, so I really hope my hardwork paid off! 💖💜

Tumblr has never been an easy place for me to be on as I struggle with interactions, building connections, and as a result get lonely very easily. More than often, I’ve felt like an outsider on my own blog, because of how unwelcomed I had felt in a space that is created by me. But, I’m trying to work on those things slowly, especially on how to be rational with my own feelings, and not listening to my brain whenever it’s being unnecessarily mean. About interactions though, it’ll probably take me a long time to actually show improvements, but I promise I’m trying my best always ^^! I appreciate everyone who has ever made an effort to interact with me, I see you and I appreciate you lots, even if it doesn’t feel that way 🫂

That got a bit heavy, no? Don’t mind it, please :( those who have seen me for long enough probably know that I’m kind of like this, but still ╥ ╥

Lastly, I wanted to say thank you so much, once again! I hope my presence here can be a positive one for me and you all as long as I’m here; let’s be happy in this silly little corner of the internet ♡

much love,

aleyna 💌

#✦🎖️✦ milestones! #happy 1st anniversary to euphor1a 🌸💕✨ #it’s been a less bumpy ride than my previous blogs #still pretty bumpy but hey i’ll take this over my previous experiences without any complaints #so happy to be here and to be able to see this day with so many people who chose to stick around for one reason or another 🤎 #aaaaand a very special shout-out to those who have been with me since cupidchois & lushtans ♥︎ #me thinks it’s crazy that some people are still here even after watching me have like a million breakdowns over a variety of things #sorry to anyone who’s new here you actually signed up for a low-key insane person writing stuff once in a while #but always losing her mind over someone or something aksgsjks #🎉 – tumbversary! #i wanted to post this like 12 hours ago but i wasn’t done with all the work yet #i hope everything looks okay.... tbh i’m pretty disappointed bc it doesn’t look the way i thought it would :( #but too bad ig. i won’t be changing my theme until next year again. lol

[erin-gilberts]

The niche support group I need is one for people who became long COVID-damaged during or shortly after their conversion process because it truly fucks everything when newfound memory issues start pulling the bricks out of the foundation you had to lay by hand yourself

#erin is talking #the alpha variant was BAD and I developed long COVID from an infection in April 2020 #anterograde from 2020 -> this is the time frame long COVID has hit the worst in terms of memories #it's somehow worse than just forgetting because I mix up specific details even of really important memories #and become convinced that's how it happened until some actual recorded evidence contradicts me #so it often just looks like I'm lying about details but the reality is that long COVID eats them #or like processing them is way slower than it used to be #my boss asked me recently if I knew what the n'tilat yada'im cup he was holding is and I said no #because my brain literally couldn't process what I was seeing for like half a second too long #and it made me look like I have way less knowledge than I should and do. I know what a n'tilat yada'im cup is! #it's super upsetting to look at something you KNOW what it is and not be able to process what it is #it'd probably be really interesting for *someone* to speak to the experience of converting and developing a disability #but it's too frustrating and makes me too sad for it to be me #it's literally such a niche experience but I know I can't be the only person in this position

[deus-and-the-machina]

ffxiv garlemald discourse is so funny because people will go "ugh people just cant stand it when things aren't black and white" and then you look at how the empire are portrayed in stormblood and shadowbringers and its like hm. that seems like a pretty intense and accurate display of violent imperialism to me! Wow I wonder why people in this day and age may find it hard to feel sympathy for them or even hate them on principal. god its such a mystery.

the games like 50/50 to me on how it tackles these themes because I actually like the garlemald arc in EW, I think it has a lot of horrific and powerful scenes depicting how self destructive fascist propaganda and beliefs are, but I also think it doesn't go far enough on some fronts. the garleans' xenophobia is most notably and obstacle to getting them to accept the contingent's help, which is what they're there to do,

but there's never an admission of harm from any garleans on the uuuuuuuuh massive amount of war crimes the nations around them are still suffering from they're just kind of like "we misjudged you...but you actually wanted to help us all along" like yeah thats great now can we get you all some deprogramming because you keep talking about returning to your prime and glory days and I think we need to unpack some stuff you really SHOULDNT return to. im not even really talking about EW proper but the patches where things are a bit more chilled out and people are recovering.

It feels like they wanted to have their critique of imperialism and also have things end with the beauty of human connection and reaching out and these things just don't mesh well because hey a lot of your modern day audience is not gonna like having to treat people yelling xenophobic things at the cast and your character with kid gloves after you showed them hours and hours of the awful things these people's beliefs have done. especially in the present day hoo boy.

#im kind of torn between 'no characters dont need to be 'punished' to be redeemed but also the characters just being so lenient with the #colonizers after we see far too many people being lenient if not supportive of the colonizers irl. well. it really blows afslkjfalkf and #yeah you can argue if they'd gone through with the garlemald expansion they would've had more time to go into this but the fact is that its #absent from what they did do and I especially think the patches when we go to garlemald and the EW role quests going 'hey maybe the #provinces can help us rebuild' as if they'd have any goddamn right to ask that just make me feel like they didnt stick the landing #seeing all the characters who have suffering time and time again bc of the garleans or seen the results of their actions having to clamp #their mouths shut every time someone said something xenophobic in EW isnt satisfying and it leaves so much unsaid! #also some people feel like the narrative didnt blame emet enough but ngl I think thats reductive even with his micromanaging scheming littl #ass and the intention of garlemald turning out a shitshow that doesnt make anyone else less complicit. most governments like this exaggerat #and lie and spread propaganda but I dont think most people here excuse the actions of a bigot because 'they were raised that way' #this is also my issue with gaius' writing. hes primarily upset that ascians were behind what he thought was his good old fashioned natural #conquering ideology :( and doesnt it suck so much he killed people for it. like yeah he seems pretty aware what he did was wrong but his #ideology remains bizarrely intact and unchallenged by the characters around him. no dude it wasnt just the ascians the system is a lot more #complex than that by this point aaaaaugh #final fantasy xiv #ffxiv #siren says #I hope people are nice to me about this I dont think I said anything particularly controversial to the Tumblr crowd (twt maybe but fuck em) #ig my main point with this post is that the game isnt perfect at writing this and also that look. I actually liked the main arc in EW and I #like quite a few garlean characters but I completely understand why others didnt like it or any garleans esp if they have their own persona #experiences with colonialism and I dont get to tell them they're invalid for that. too many people get judgmental about this understandably #upsetting topic and you just gotta accept that this is a big line for many people

[joestarfucker420]

going from being ashton all week to being my legal name again is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world

#ashtonstfu #also i either have to quit my job and move to illinois with my parents in like less than four months or uh hope i can find a job that can #support me AND a place to live based off that salary before they move and honestly #i’d rather fucking die than have to move with my parents but i have zero job prospects so #idk i guess i’ll just hope i die in my fucking sleep #and like i can’t blame my parents like i know it’s a good paying job my dad has and like he likes the area but like #CAN YOU FUCKING GIVE ME TIME #i won’t even offically have my degree til like may even tho i’ll be done in march #i’ve applied to literal hundreds of jobs but since my skills aren’t the best cause i don’t have any real world experience no one wants to #even interview me or train me or ANYTHING and the only way to get better is my practicing but i need more structure or something and if #someone would just be willing to train me at a fucking job i could do it!! but no one wants to do that except fucking sales jobs and i cant #do that shit again it is soul crushing #anyways i’m gonna have a full on mental breakdown cause uh #i’m too fucking overwhelmed i don’t have anything and i can’t move with them it’ll be a nightmare #if they would just slow the fuck down i might have a chance but we have a fucking realator coming thursday and i have so much shit to clean #i don’t know what the fuck i’m supposed to do #even if by some miracle i get a job i have no credit and no money so fuck finding a place to live #it’s impossible #i’m gonna go throw up probably