#this is still devastating to me and I want to know what I did ?

[raina-at]

Do-Over

It’s long past midnight, and Sherlock is far away from sleep. His nose hurts. His heart hurts. Everything hurts.

He’s too depressed even for the violin. 

Short version, not dead.

How stupid can you be? 

He’d hoped if he laughed it off, he could pretend it wasn’t a big deal. Could pretend his heart wasn’t breaking, seeing John with this woman.

Sherlock keeps a list, since that day on the roof of Barts. His worst mistakes. His biggest regrets. The top ten moments he would like to relive, to do everything differently.

Tonight has won the top spot. How cruel, how callous, how stupid, to make a joke of John’s grief, to make a trick out of something that should have been sincere, to laugh at pain, to mock when he should have begged. Forgive me, he should have said. I never meant to cause you so much pain. 

He closes his eyes and wishes for oblivion. 

There’s a knock on the door. Quiet, hesitant, but there.

Sherlock walks over, opens the door.

John stands there, looks at him. Mustache shaved, wearing that ugly coat and a devastated expression.

“I think we need a do-over,” he finally says, chin set in that way when he has when something hurts like fuck but he’s solidering through anyway.

“I’m sorry,” Sherlock whispers, barely audible, his heart beating a mile a minute. He better not fuck this up, because he’s pretty sure John won’t come back for take three of this particular conversation. “I did it to keep you safe. I know I hurt you by all the lying, but I absolutely believe that if I’d told you, you’d be dead right now.”

John looks at him for a long time in silence. His eyes are wet, and searching, and scared. He swallows, takes a deep breath. “My turn now. I wanted to tell you something. Before you jumped. And I swore to myself that if I ever had the chance, I wouldn’t chicken out again.”

Sherlock tilts his head in question, but says nothing, afraid that a loud word or the wrong move will scare away the boldness that’s come over both of them, the midnight courage of broken hearts.

“I—” John makes a frustrated noise when his voice gives out. He clears his throat, tries again. “I— you know what, fuck it.”

He fists his hand in Sherlock’s shirt front and pulls him in, pressing their lips together.

It hurts a bit because of the broken nose, but Sherlock still pulls John closer and kisses back with everything he has.

“Come home,” he whispers against John’s lips. “Please.”

John smiles into the kiss. “Yes.”

---

Let's be honest, if we could change one scene, it would be this one.

Also, periodic reminder that I'm collecting all of these here on AO3.

And since I can never resist a shameless self-plug, I wrote a fic that consists entirely of do-overs, it's called Empty Houses, and it fits this prompt so perfectly I could have just linked to it instead ;-)

@calaisreno @totallysilvergirl @jrow @peanitbear @jolieblack @meetinginsamarra @helloliriels @keirgreeneyes @lisbeth-kk @friday411 @givemesherbet-blog-blog @weeesi @thalialunacy @thegildedbee @dapetty @salmonsown

#johnlock #bbc sherlock #may prompts 2024 #do over #my fic

[vaultie-and-theghoul]

Thank You for Holding Me

Lucy numbly followed the Ghoul, the last month playing on repeat. None of what happened had sunk in and she felt like a mind floating inside her body. Lucy knew from her Vault-Tec education that this was what they called dissociation. A classic symptom of PTSD. Well, maybe the ghoul was right. She just might one day turn into someone like him. Lucy's already aching stomach seemed to cramp in on itself, empty and angry.

"Watch your step sweetheart," the Ghoul said, voice kinder than she had ever heard, "I know you're all up in that head of yours, but if you fall and break yourself... Let's just say it wouldn't be good for either of us."

Lucy didn't have the energy to respond but nodded and refocused on her feet. Somehow her mind was still able to recount each brutal and devastating moment. A few times, Lucy swore she could hear the sounds that accompany her thoughts. Much to her stomach's dismay, Lucy had to stop and wretch a couple of times before they reached camp.

As they went through the motions of setting up camp, she noticed the Ghoul eyeing her when he thought she wasn't looking. Lucy had many questions for the man she was traveling with, but they could wait until morning. The Ghoul excused himself to check the perimeters and the second she was alone, silent tears streamed down Lucy's cheeks. It seemed like every thought was a scream and they blended one after another until all she could do was scream with it.

Lucy didn't realize she was screaming until the Ghoul returned, pistol drawn and eyes focused. She watched as he expertly assessed the situation, noting the lack of a threat as well as the tears streaming down her face. The Ghoul's face changed from focused to pity and Lucy wanted to be angry, but to her surprise, she instead felt seen.

Her screams had died the moment the Ghoul took a step towards her. Lucy knew she should be apprehensive, scared even, but she felt safe. Her heart pounded as the Ghoul lowered himself to his knees. He hesitated a moment, uncertainty clear in his eyes, before pulling her into his chest.

"Atta girl," the Ghoul shushed as he rubbed circles on her back, "You gotta let it all out before it eats you alive."

Lucy sobbed silently, tears and snot staining the Ghoul's shirt. Every time she tried to pull back and apologize, the Ghoul would shush her before pulling her back into his embrace. Eventually, Lucy slumped heavily against him, tears finally running dry. She took her time steadying her breath, in through her nose and out her mouth. Every deep inhale also contained the Ghoul's scent. She would have assumed he smelled rotten or musty, but the cowboy who held her smelled of gunpowder and leather. There was a hint of something else that lit her senses on fire. Without realizing it, Lucy leaned into the crook of his neck and inhaled again.

"You got a thing for smelling people sweetheart," the Ghoul asked with a chuckle.

Lucy pulled away, embarrassed by her thoughtless actions, "No, I'm sorry. I just couldn't place what I was smelling. It was mostly gunpowder and leather, but something else too."

The ghoul raised his brow, lips pressing together. She had stumbled upon a sore spot for the Ghoul.

"Anyway," Lucy said, changing the subject, "Thank you for holding me. You didn't have to."

"Course I did Vaultie," he said, eyes deathly serious, "You ain't my enemy anymore Miss MacLean. Out here in the wasteland, it's each feller for himself, unless you find someone worth teaming up with." Lucy was at a loss for words, chest going tight with emotions. "Now, stop thanking me and get some shut-eye. We will be heading out at dawn."

The Ghoul stayed with her until Lucy was tucked in her sleeping bag. She had interrupted his usual security routine, so he once again excused himself. This time, the quiet seemed less lonely. Even dogmeat padded over to her and laid heavily against her back. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. Lucy felt safe with Dogmeat and the Ghoul. She watched the campfire flicker until her eyelids became heavy and she fell into a dreamless slumber.

Cooper returned to camp no longer than half an hour later. He treads quietly in case the Vaultie hasn't fallen asleep yet. Dogmeat lifted his head from his place lounging behind the girl, saw it was Coop, and laid back down with a sigh.

The Ghoul watched his little Vaultie sleep, face finally at peace. He hadn't liked seeing Lucy in such distress. When Coop heard her screams his whole body flooded with adrenalin like Jet on steroids. Prepared for a gunfight, there was a moment of relief when he realized there was no threat. That relief had just as quickly turned to pain when Cooper saw Lucy's face. Tears and snot poured down her face as she screamed bloody murder.

Cooper knew that feeling all too well. The cowboy shook his head, reaching down to tuck a lock of hair behind Lucy's ear, "Goodnight darlin'."

He gave Dogmeat a quick pat on the head before retiring to his sleeping bag. Cooper wouldn't sleep that night, but he would rest his weary eyes and daydream about the Vaultie snoring softly on the other side of the campfire.

AO3

#vaultie and the ghoul #vaultghoul #lucy x cooper #ghoulcy #fallout #cooper howard #the ghoul #lucy maclean #fallout prime #walton goggins #fallout fanfiction #fallout drabble

[drdemonprince]

TV Glow was devastating. incredibly effective visually, thematically, and performance-wise. Schoenbrun has leveled up in a major way since World's Fair, which I felt like I was five years too old for, both in terms of references and from having seen too much weird shit in this life to be impressed by her version of what's "scary" online.

This movie was far more creatively ambitious and emotionally resonance -- it having a bigger budget certainly helped stretch its legs, and Schoenbrun used it to its fullest.

Justice Smith's acting made me want to cry. He shows a true reverence for the material that few cis actors would; far from viewing the character as a little exercise, he transforms into her discomfort and sadness. His little voice warbles and the way his face softens with hope at a few crucial moments made my heart break for him, knowing already that the dreams he'd barely let himself hold onto would never come true.

I can't believe an Emma Stone produced wide release movie is about transgender egg drama here in 2024. jarring for something that once felt so private and esoteric to be broadly relatable to audiences now. it's fitting, given the movie is about a mass-release TV show that a handful of tender freaks think must be about something so much more than this world would ever let it be. kind of a funny trick there.

is this a movie about depressed isolated queer people whose minds curdle around a random media property because loneliness makes the brain turn inward and eat itself? or is it the tragic tale of a woman who never realized her destiny and allowed the matrix to keep plugging her repeatedly back in?

you can read it both ways at once and it's best if you do. some equipped with fandom goggles with elect to see it only in the more fantastical light.

There are already dozens of people coming out as transgender for the first time in their lives in the Letterboxd reviews of this film, saying they recognize their repression in Owen, their egg at last busted open by this heartbreaking tale of a life unfulfillingly lived. I get it -- before I transitioned, the same thing happened to me with Casey Plett's incredible story collection, A Safe Girl to Love. There is something painfully enchanting about the forever-unrealized trans person whose suffering we imagine would be escapable if only they could admit who they are.

But what do you do when you have overcome your fear of being "crazy," left your old world behind, and passed through that veil to become the person you were always meant to be, only to find that you are still stoop-shouldered and awkward, still overlooked with your heart cut out of you, apologizing to others for your asthma in between your death rattles? What if you never get all the poison out? After you figure out you're a hero from another dimension, what will you do if you can never get back?

I find myself asking these things, as a person who used to fantasize that transitioning would solve all my problems. The imagined future transitioned me felt so distant that it was easy to push him off. And then after years passed, when I finally reached out to claim him, I discovered he was just as awkward, lonesome, insecure, and unhappy as I was, because he was just me. If i'd always been transgender, then I'd always been unhappy for deeply transgender reasons back then, too, and I'd already known a whole lot more about what it meant to be me than I'd thought that I had. Fantasies had been a seductive distraction from the world that was trying to kill me, and they suffocated me whether I denied them or if I believed in them.

This is a movie about fantasies, and the suburbs, and about being transgender. And it's bleak, but I think some who are on the cusp of making the same realizations as Owen can't fully know why yet. Life on the other side of knowing is more liveable, but I can't explain why. It didn't make things better. It wasn't the great escape I had hoped. But it did force me to confront who I was and how many monsters there always had been all around me. And that's better than living in a fantasy.

[urfavlarry]

You wanted requests so i shall deliver.

Tyler x f!reader oneshot, were tyler gets jealous of how close she is with the others (as in flirts with them as a joke)

(lets put a little spice in that shall we?)

They aren't officially together. They have kissed before but no one knows about it. So everytime reader pulls some shit like, blowing a kiss to aiden, tyler gets pissed

Imma fill your inbox brb😋

-🤍anon

Is that jealousy I smell?

Tyler Hernández x fem!reader

a/n: sorry this is so short, had no more ideas for this but still hope you enjoy

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Something was off sbout Tyler, he was more grumpy then usual and has been avoiding you for a bit. You weren’t stupid, you knew why he was so distant but you didn’t care much about it. It wasn’t like you two were together and he didn’t bother asking you to be more then just a friend, so you kept your usual flirty personality. Everyone knew it was just playful jokes, most people going along with it or just laughing it off which you were happy for. You thought more about Tyler, remembering the time he kissed you after one of his matches. It was like those typical american high school movies, which was cheesy as hell but so what? You got a kiss from Tyler Hernández! You missed it dearly, but you weren’t the type of person to go beg for peoples attention. You were currently at your house with the rest of the group in your room. You were talking about plans for the weekend since it was friday and you were all bored out of your mind. You and Aiden were playfully sending winks and kisses, giggling about it like 12 year old girls but Tyler was really not having it.

To say he was fuming was an understatement, but like always he didn’t do anything about it. You excuse yourself and go to the kitchen downstairs, grabbing yourself a glass of water when you hear footsteps approaching. You put the cup down and you suddenly get turned around quite harshly, an angry Tyler before you. “What the fuck is up with you and Aiden?” He asks and you look at him with a smirk. “What? Is Mr. Hernández jealous?” You say and he glares, shutting you up. “You fucking like him don’t you?” He asks and you shrug; “And if I did? We aren’t dating Tyler so it’s none of your business.” You say and try to walk away but he had a firm grip on you.

He looked devastates but tried to hide it, collecting his thoughts before speaking up; “Okay, don’t expect a long speech, I’m not good at those, but I really like you Y/N and I wanted to let you know, I just never knew when or how i’d do it.” He confesses, standing there looking embarrassed. He let your arm go and looked you in the eyes, he wasn’t necessarily glaring but he did have a very serious expression on his face. “Yeah alright, I love you too Ty, I finally got you to say it.” You tease and his eyes widen and he hits you playfully; “You were just trying to make me say it cuz you were too embarrassed to do so yourself!” He blames and you giggle, running out the room and back upstairs. He ran after you and everyone stared at the two of you. Tyler had a hand on your was and you rested your head on his shoulder, sitting on your bed. “Finally, I was afraid my very good acting skills were going to waste.” Aiden spoke up and everyone erupted in laughter, Tyler just grumbling some swears cussing Aiden out.

You chuckled softly and all of you joked for the rest of the night, finally having fun like normal teens before everyone decided it was a good time to go home. You waved everyone goodbye, Taylor and Tyler staying behind for a few more minutes longer. Taylor waited outside, giving you both some privacy before you parted ways for the day. Tyler hugged you, clinging to you like a little boy to his mother and you patted his back softly, running a hand through his dark hair. He looks at you and kisses your nose, smiling at you, a genuine, happy smile before waving you goodbye; “Good night mi amor, stay safe alright?” He says making you chuckle; “I’m not going anywhere Ty don’t worry nothing will happen to me, i’ll text you if anything happens yeah?” You reassure and he nods, walking out the door. You watch them leave before closing the door and run to your bedroom, laying down on your bed and kick your feet like a mad woman. You finally had someone that loved you, cared for you. Love really was a great feeling.

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╰┈➤ ⋆｡‧˚ʚ 🥀 ɞ˚‧｡⋆

#school bus graveyard #school bus graveyard x reader #sbg #sbg x reader #school bus graveyard fanfiction #school bus graveyard x y/n #school bus graveyard tyler #tyler hernandez x y/n #tyler sbg x reader #sbg tyler x reader #sbg tyler #tyler x y/n #tyler x you #tyler x reader #tyler hernandez x reader #tyler hernandez #tyler hernandez x you

[lasthaysileeshipper]

advice for sejanus fans: don’t look at the comments of any video that talks about sejanus. some of the takes people have about him are so bizarre…

1) where in the world did people get the idea that sejanus WANTED his father to bail him out of trouble? he repeatedly says he wished his father wouldn’t throw money at all of his problems. he wasn’t reckless because he knew his father could bail him out, he was “reckless” because he was in extreme mental peril to the point of considering suicide.

2) it’s easy to say “oh he should’ve just played the long game and waited until he could use his father’s money for good” but

a) even if he had waited to inherit, his peers HATE his guts. who was going to listen to him? he’s district. to them, he’s inherently infieror. it’s easy for coriolanus to say what he says in the arena, because he has a name people recognize and respect. sejanus doesn’t.

b) in the time it would have taken for him to inherit his father’s business, so many more people would’ve died. maybe this is just me being autistic, but I can totally understand him being so desperate to fix everything wrong with the world right then and there and feeling so angry and devastated that he can’t. I, like sejanus, have a very strong sense of justice and am hyper-empathetic. I have spent so many nights wishing I could snap my fingers and fix everything that’s wrong with the world. sure, I can always donate money and volunteer, but regardless of what change I do make, innocent beings are still going to be hurt and/or die and there’s nothing I can to do stop that. it haunts me and I’m sure it haunts him, too.

3) he is young. he doesn’t know the full extent of how the world works. all he knows is that it’s bad and he would rather do something sooner rather than later, to save more people in the long run.

how people sympathize with coriolanus over sejanus is just absolutely mind-boggling to me. I think suzanne intended to portray him as a tragic character (considering his namesake) and that she accomplished that. sejanus is flawed, absolutely, but he has heart (arguably one too big for his body) and so much guilt stricken empathy with no way to properly process it.

every time I read comments on videos about him, I think to myself, did we read the same book? is there something I missed? or is this another haymitch situation, where interpretations of his character are inherently altered for the worst due to how he’s presented in the movie (still haven’t seen it in its entirety)?

#i’ve said this before but #even though the book doesn’t say he’s autistic like… #COME ON #lhs rants #lhs rambles #the hunger games #thg #tbosas #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #sejanus plinth #tbosas analysis #thg analysis

[marie-swriting]

Waste Of Time - Jake "Hangman" Seresin [1/2]

Masterlist

Emails I Can't Send Masterlist

Part two (will be published 01/06/2024 at 9pm)

Part one - two (French version) (will be published 19/05/2024 at 9pm)

Summary : You can't stop reminiscing your relationship with Jake despite your break up.

Warnings : angst, sad ending, Jake being a dick, maybe some grammatical mistakes as English is not my first language, tell me if you see some or if I missed any warnings.

Word count : 1.9k

Song inspiration : Things I Wish You Said by Sabrina Carpenter

Sitting on your bed, you’re holding your phone in front of you with Jake’s contact picture on the screen. You’re so excited to talk to him again that you have a big smile on your face. You’re currently on deployment so you haven’t been able to communicate properly with your boyfriend for the past few days. 

After a few seconds, Jake’s face appears and you see he’s sitting on his couch.

“Hey, I’m sorry for not calling earlier, it’s crazy out here.” you apologise.

“Don’t worry, I totally get how complicated it can be to call.”

“Anyway, what’s up?”

“Not much, it’s pretty calm.” Jake says before avoiding your gaze. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Sure, what is it?”

“I… Look,” he nervously starts and you stand up, fearing what’s about to come next, “I don’t know how to tell you this so I’m just gonna rip the bandage off; we should break up.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“It’s not you, I swear, it’s me.”

“What kind of bullshit is this?” you say, angry and confused. “Everything is fine between us. I don’t understand why you want to break up. Did I do something?”

“No, like I said, it’s not you. I just want to focus on my career and-”

“And what? I’m some kind of distraction? You can’t be in a relationship and work like a big boy?” you retort, annoyed.

“You’re mad and I understand it but it’s for the better.” Jake calmly replies which makes you even angrier.

“Clearly.”

“Y/N, you’re a good person, I don’t want you to doubt it for one second.”

Jake’s sentence should bring you some kind of comfort and yet, it just makes you turn on him even more. You don’t even look at your phone anymore, a million emotions going through your head. You don’t know if you’re more devastated or mad. Understanding it’s of no use to insist, Jake sighs before talking one last time:

“I’m gonna leave you alone now.”

You glance at your phone again, waiting for Jake to say something else and yet, nothing comes. Jake doesn’t even add a “I’m sorry” before hanging up, leaving you in your bedroom alone and in a heavy silence. You keep your eyes on your phone, still in shock by what just happened. You can’t grasp it. 

You met Jake four months ago and everything happened so quickly, but you both didn’t mind it. Some people tried to warn you by telling you about his reputation with women, nevertheless you ignored them. You and Jake clicked instantly and that’s what mattered. And also, you’re not going to lie, he knew how to get you hooked in one conversation. You felt like it was the same for him, that Jake was as attached to you as you were to him, now, you have some doubts. What bothers you the most is that your relationship was becoming more serious - until now. You were seeing each other whenever you could, you even talked about owning a house together. You had begun to imagine a future together and with just one phone call, Jake threw it all away.

That night, you don’t shed a tear. You tell yourself you made this phone call up. Though, the next morning, once you wake up without Jake’s usual morning text wishing you a good day, you realise it was, indeed, real and you break down the second you come home from work. Never had your heart known such heartbreak, it didn't see it coming.

Five months passed since this sinister call. Every night, your last conversation is stuck in your head, you think back to your relationship with Jake, searching for what you could have done wrong and the more you think about it, the more you realise you always put more energy in this relationship than Jake did. Now, you consider yourself stupid for hoping for something beautiful when you had been warned that Jake couldn’t commit to someone. You thought you were different. You are not. You find yourself even more pathetic because Jake is always in your head. Even when he’s not with you anymore, he still manages to make you waste your time. 

Tonight is another proof of it. You ran into Jake at a Navy event. Unfortunately for you, you saw Jake there and now, here you are, laying on your bed, thinking back to him and this event and more specifically the moment you saw him in the parking lot when you left the party, a moment that won’t leave your mind for the next several days.

You went to this event without much conviction. You were accompanied by your new friend Scott whom you had met during your last mission.

At first, you didn’t want to be here, then you saw Jake and the second you recognised his laugh from the other end of the room, you wanted to run far away from the get-together. Scott, always a good friend, stayed by your side and distracted you. He even managed to make you laugh, although internally, your heart was breaking all over again. You didn’t talk to Jake all night. In fact, you didn’t even get close to him, you avoided him like the plague. You did until it was socially acceptable to leave the party. The second the evening began to wind down, you wanted to bolt far away from this place. While you were walking to your car, you found yourself face to face with Jake. At first, you both stood there, looking into each other’s eyes without talking and then, as you weren’t ready to confront him, you started to walk away to your vehicle when Jake held you back.

“Can we talk, please?”

“I don’t have anything to say to you, Jake.” you had told, on your guard. 

“Yeah, I imagine talking to me is the last thing you want to do but I need to tell you something.”

“You said more than enough last time.” you had declared, turning on your heel to go in the opposite direction to him.

“Actually, I didn’t say enough. You deserve an apology.”

At his sentence, you turned to him, surprised. Getting an apology from Jake was the last thing you expected. You stood in front of him, your arms crossed over your chest as a way to show him you wouldn’t let him get under your skin so easily - when in reality, this felt like doing something impossible.

“I’m sorry I left you in the dark when I broke things off. I’m sorry I pulled the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. It wasn’t fair to you. And I’m…” Jake had sighed, “you deserve a real apology, better than this one, though I had to, at least, tell you this. Maybe I’m going too far but I’d be happy to make it up to you correctly by meeting each other someday soon.”

“Jake, I don’t think it’s a good idea.” you had refused, looking down for a second. “But thanks for what you just told me, it’s always nice to hear it.”

Following your sentence, you thought the conversation was over so you took out your car keys from your purse when Jake’s voice resonated in the parking lot once more:

“Is it because of the guy you were with tonight that you turned me down? Have you guys been together for a long time?”

“Scott? He’s just a friend.”

“The way he made you laugh…,” Jake had scoffed, “it didn’t feel like you were just being friends.”

“And yet, there is nothing between us.” you had replied, defensive. “And anyway, why does it bother you so much? We’re not together anymore, do I have to remind you this was your decision?”

“And it was a dumb decision. I miss you so damn much!” He had exclaimed with a guilty look on his face. “God, you have no idea. Everything reminds me of you. The second one of your favourite artists is on the radio, I can still picture you singing the lyrics with a huge smile on your face. What I wouldn’t do to see that smile again!” he had added more softly. “Even now, I always reach for your leg over there on your side of the car then I realise you’re not here anymore because I fucked up. I’m watching everything that you do, every achievement you make, I make sure to know them. I’ve always known you were a damn good pilot but you keep impressing me. I should’ve realised the chance I had when I was with you before ruining it. I can’t move on, I can’t even stomach loving somebody else beside you.” Jake had confessed, taking a step towards you.

As soon as you saw him getting closer, you couldn’t help but look at his lips, oh, how you’ve missed those lips so much! Looking at him more carefully, you also noticed he wanted to touch you, too. Several times, his hands had almost reached over for yours, nonetheless he held himself back, not wanting to ruin anything with you by acting impulsively. Listening to Jake’s confession almost made you fall for him again and forget about the pain he caused you. Though, you stayed silent, knowing that if you opened your mouth, you wouldn’t know how to resist him. With a desperate voice, Jake tried to go all in by stating one last time:

“I swear if you gave me one last chance, I would do better for you. I will be the man you deserve, I won’t break your heart. I learned from my mistakes, I promise.”

“Jake, you hurt me.” you had said with a weak voice.

“I get it but if you ever were to change your mind, I’d always be free. Again, I’m sorry.”

With this last apology, Jake left you alone and you got in your car with teary eyes. You hold them back until you left the parking lot.

Unfortunately, this is not what happened. 

You did run into Jake in the parking lot but he stayed silent. At one point, you thought he was about to say something nevertheless he just walked away, a guilty look on his face.

And here you are now, in your bed, fantasising about things you wish he said to you. Despite the break up five months ago, you’re still desperate for his love. Despite the pain he caused you, you yearn for his apologies, but especially you wish he’d still want you and even if in the scenario you made up, you refused to see Jake again, you know that once you would have gone home, you would have called him and said yes. You still love him and you wish you didn’t. He’s still playing with your feelings when he’s not even talking to you anymore. Your heart conspires against you by torturing you and making you long for a Jake who would know how to fix his mistakes and be the man you deserve. Yet, it’s of no use. Jake will never change and if he came back, it’d be just to play with your feelings before leaving you hanging again. You waste your time on idiotic things. It’s a waste of time to hope for him to change, it’s a waste of time to think of things he never said and things he’ll never say to you. Jake is a waste of time and you’re mad at yourself for dedicating so much time of your life for a man who stopped thinking about you a long time ago. You just hope one day you’ll be able to feel lighter, away from Jake and your feelings for him.

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#marie swriting in english #top gun imagine #top gun fanfiction #top gun movie #top gun #top gun fandom #top gun maverick #top gun angst #top gun hangman #jake hangman seresin x reader #jake seresin x reader #jake seresin fic #jake seresin fanfiction #jake seresin #jake seresin x y/n #jake seresin x you #jake seresin angst #jake seresin oneshot #jake seresin imagine #jake hangman x y/n #jake hangman seresin x you #jake hangman x you #jake hangman x reader #jake hangman seresin #jake hangman fic #jake hangman imagine #Spotify #marie swriting with music #marie swriting with eics #marie swriting with sabrina carpenter

[lunatiics]

pretty girls (pt. 3) | planymphia

Word Count: 1.2k

Summary: Act like it never happened in another world... until Jane doesn't have to anymore.

A/N: This is kind of rushed? But I had a burst of inspiration, and so here it is! Also, if it wasn't obvious, this whole fic is very heavily Pretty Girls by Reneé Rapp-coded, especially this part.

Part 1 Part 2

“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on with you and Nymphia?” Morphine asked.

It was bound to happen at some point. Jane knew that. She had gotten through most of the day without a single comment about her little heartfelt outburst the night before, but when Morphine had parked their makeup next to Jane’s, she knew her luck had run out.

Luckily, Jane had had the majority of the day to prepare a perfect answer for if—when—she was asked about it. Knowing how nosy her sisters were, it was just a matter of time. And, per usual, she was right.

“It’s just for the cameras,” Jane said, the script spilling off her lips so easily she almost convinced herself. “You know how the fans love this shit. They’ll eat it up.”

“I don’t know…” Morphine pursed their lips. “I’ve seen you do that before. And this is, well, it’s similar. But it’s also different. You’ve been acting different.”

Jane rolled her eyes as cooly as she could. “You need to focus on yourself, Miss No Wins. Stop worrying about me. Not that I can blame you. I’d be obsessed with me, too.” 

She was being defensive. She was being so obvious, and she knew it. But she couldn’t help herself. Throwing up her walls was all she knew. All the preparation in the world couldn’t break the habit.

Morphine laughed, but their face was still soft and fixed on Jane. “I’m not worried. It’s nice to see you like this. You seem…”

“What?” Jane asked, packing eyeshadow onto her eyelid and trying to keep her hand from shaking.

Morphine shrugged. “Happier.”

Jane scoffed. She racked her brain for something, anything, to say in response. But she couldn’t deny it. She was happier, and it was obvious, especially after last night. Nymphia made her happier. Nymphia made her want to be better. It was petrifying and devastating but at the end of the day, still true.

Jane sighed. The words came out before she could stop them. “Well, she hasn’t spoken to me all day. So I wouldn’t get too used to it.”

That was true, too. Nymphia hadn’t so much as shot a glance Jane’s way all day. Jane had positioned herself as far away from Nymphia as possible, avoided her as best she could, so she couldn’t even blame Nymphia for doing the same. But still, Jane’s worst fears had been confirmed. Jane had probably been too obvious, and it had scared Nymphia away, like Jane had scared everyone else she cared about in her life away. Maybe she just wasn’t meant to get close to people. Maybe she just wasn’t meant to have that kind of—

“Are you two talking about me?” Jane jumped as Nymphia appeared over her shoulder, her hands snaking around her waist. Even from the light touch, Jane felt like her entire body had been electrified. 

But even more overwhelming was the fact that Nymphia was there, behind her, touching her. They hadn’t spoken all day, much less looked at each other, and now they were tucked against each other—through Nymphia’s own doing, thank you very much. Nymphia tucked her chin in between Jane’s shoulder and neck, a small smile on her face, and her eyes lasered into Jane’s in the mirror. Jane was frozen, one hand holding a makeup brush suspended in the air and the other hand (she wasn’t even sure how it got there) caressing Nymphia’s, which was folded around her body. The werkroom disappeared, time stopped, and she and Nymphia were floating in a world made for the two of them, where they belonged.

It took all of Jane’s willpower not to collapse ito the ground. But she managed to do what she did best: she slapped on a bitchy smirk and put on her best unaffected air. “I would never talk about you. Wouldn’t even cross my mind,” she quipped, her voice shaking the tiniest amount.

Nymphia pressed her lips together in amusement and pulled herself away from Jane. She winked before walking back to her station. “Keep on pretending, pretty girl.” She said over her shoulder.

Pretty girl.

Morphine’s mouth hung open. Jane thought she could die right there.

—

Nymphia was hugging Jane as if her life depended on it, and Jane never wanted her to let go.

Of course, Jane had given Nymphia her immunity potion. Of course, Nymphia hadn’t actually needed it. Of course, Jane did it anyway.

It was the only thing she could think of to express how much she believed in Nymphia, wanted her to succeed, to show her beauty, talent, and effervescence to the world. Even if it cost Jane her spot on the show and the safety and security of immunity. It didn’t matter. Nymphia was worth it.

“Thank you,” Nymphia said into Jane’s hair. “I know what that meant to you.”

They had just walked off stage, and Nymphia hadn’t been able to contain herself; she had thrown her arms around Jane in the hallway to the lounge, in front of the PAs, all the girls, and even a few cameras. But Jane didn’t care. She wanted to stay like this forever, wrapped in the girl that made her feel like home, that made the world seem brighter, better, and a place she belonged.

“I was so scared you’d never talk to me again,” Jane whispered.

Nymphia pulled slightly away to look into Jane’s eyes. “What? Why would you think that?”

Jane stared at the ceiling, her hands absent-mindedly running up and down Nymphia’s arms, which were draped over Jane’s shoulders. 

“You seemed like you needed space,” Nymphia continued. “I didn’t want to freak you out even more. And I honestly…” She smiled sheepishly. “I didn’t know what to say. You know I’m not the best with my words.”

Jane laughed and looked back at Nymphia tenderly. “I know.”

“But it’s us.” Nymphia smiled. “I knew everything would work out, even if we didn’t say anything.”

Us. Jane felt like her soul had left her body. “I hoped so. I really hoped so. I just couldn’t tell what you were feeling or if it was real… I mean, what I feel about you… I’ve never—”

She was grasping for words, trying to find language to articulate feelings that seemed so insurmountable and unfitting for a mere sentence. But Nymphia saved her from having to explain herself as she pressed her lips against Jane’s. 

Jane froze. It had felt like time had stopped when they touched. And when they finally kissed, it felt like the world stopped. Compared to everyone Jane had been with before, Nymphia was in a whole other universe. 

Jane had dreamed about kissing Nymphia. Dreamed about doing everything with her, from waking up together to taking on the world. But nothing in her fantasies could have prepared her for the real thing, how perfect Nymphia felt, tasted, was. She was more than pretty. She was magnificent. 

Nymphia’s hands found their way to Jane’s face, holding her like she was precious and delicate, someone deserving of the love Nymphia could give. As Jane sank into Nymphia’s touch, she started to believe she actually might be worthy of receiving it.

“I know,” Nymphia said against Jane’s lips. “You don’t have to say it. I know.”

#planymphia #rpdr 16 #yearning is so in

[ceelisiowo]

When all is said and done, you're the one I always come too [Weiss & Nora]

--- Even if it was nothing new trying to endure the awful hot weather from Vacuo after so many days living there, Weiss still had a hard time surviving it, especially when going farther and farther away from the city they now had to call home.

The team usually stayed near the camps and the school, their time consumed between meetings and humanitarian help for the Atlas refugees. Sometimes Grimm would come but she never had to go beyond the outskirts of the city, the Winter Maiden already on her way whenever problems arised. Her relationship with Winter was its own bag of worms she has to eventually solve, but right now there is another person invading her mind.

Weiss can already see the slab, her legs slowly carrying her to the place that held so much pain and sorrow for her friends and family. And leaning in a seated position on the stone is a certain red-haired girl she's been looking for so long.

If someone told her on her first year at Beacon that she'd see Nora without Ren she would have probably laughed at them. And for a while it was their status quo. But Weiss has seen the struggle she was going through when they were fighting in Atlas, her choice of keeping distance with Ren inevitable. She understood -probably more than anyone else- what it was finding one self after being attached to a name for so long. It surprised her though when Ren went to her some time ago, asking for her to go look for Nora at this place. Is not that they weren't talking, her friendship with the girl being stronger than ever after returning from the Ever After, but Weiss was still at a loss as to why she was asked. She didn't hesitate to accept, of course. Nora has lately been looking worse and worse, her smiles short and eyes sad. The stress was becoming too much for all of them, but Nora seemed to be the one being the most affected, and Weiss wanted to be there for her.

As she approaches, a wimper is lost between Nora's lips, and Weiss can't help but stop at the sight. She looks devastated, her emotions clear on her face. Weiss can count with the fingers of only one of her hands the times she's seen Nora so vulnerable, honesty mostly lost by the girl's personality. The moment ends when Nora finally notices the girl at her side, panic rising on her features for a second when she finds out she wasn't alone, but relaxes when her eyes land on Weiss. She only sighs, rubbing her eyes trying to make her tears stop but gives up after a few seconds. She still manages to give her friend a smile, her trembling lips doing their best to keep her composture. Weiss only wishes for a way to make that smile genuine.

"Figures it'd be you." Weiss just looks at her, puzzled at her words. Nora sighs again and returns to watching the horizon, her body a bit more relaxed than before.

They stay like that for a few minutes, the wind the only sound in their space. Weiss tries to come up with something, but no words expel from her mouth, scared of turning Nora away. So she waits for an explanation, a sign, anything that Nora is willing to give her. She does not hestitate to sit at her side when her hand pats the other side of the slab, the girls now seated side by side under the light of the sun. Nora starts to play with her hands, that nervous energy she usually expels when her words can't come out yet, until her voice fills the silence.

"Did Ren tell you to come find me?"

"How did you know?" Weiss words come in a rush, content to know Nora is ready to talk but a little surprised by her guess. Nora laughs for a bit, her emotions being once again true. Weiss can't keep her eyes away from her. Her laughter dies after a while but the tension from before seems to disappear.

"When you guys where… not here" she starts, her voice more confident but still soft. "Whenever everything turned out to be too much I came here to sit and just… I don't know. It was the closer I could be to you."

Nora looks down, suddenly bashful of seeing Weiss at the eyes. Weiss slowly rises her arm, her hand lightly stroking the other girl's shoulder. She wasn't sure what were their boundaries now but Nora did not stop her, so she continued.

"I guess… you are the one I always come to…" Nora ends her words with her eyes finally meeting Weiss', and the girl knows how much this means to her. Unable to hold herself any longer she launches at Nora, the strongest hug she can muster keeping them both in place.

And they stay like that for a while, the hot weather making them leave some time later. Their lives were still not okay, the weight of the world still on their teams' shoulders. But they have each other, and no matter how much pain destiny throws at them, they were sure they could stand it together. ---

This is my gift for @kinaesthetiqueer for the @remnants-of-rwby-exchange !! I'm really sorry for the late post!!! I kind of underestimated how much time I had left ;w; I hope you like it Kina!! I ended up mashing the two prompts you send me with some hurt/comfort and tender moments > < So at first I really wanted to make some fanart of your fic 'her pulse on my throat' because I really enjoy reading it!! But I could not finish it by the time I had to start working on the gift so I went with the other idea I had :O I really love the way you write Weiss and especially Nora!! I hope I did them justice with this little idea I had > < I didn't know if to make them in a romantic or platonic setting, so I guess it is up for whatever interpretation you like most!

#Remnants of RWBY: Fanworks Exchange #rwby #weiss schnee #nora valkyrie #nordic winter

[atorionsbelt]

“jamie can’t take his eyes off the love of his life.”

…yeah. they will pay for this (please keep going)

#royjamie #jamie tartt #roy kent #ted lasso #ted lasso spoilers #op #brett is allowed to queerbait me anytime idc #did phil go to the colin morgan school of acting because this is srs gay yearning and longing #he said what if i just gave you the most devasting look of craving your And only your love #and then roy said ‘i love (you) it.’ i know what you are #jamie was so nervous for him to enjoy the gift i actually wanted to die #i am having a completely normal reaction to all of this! #roy x jamie #jamie x roy #jamieroy #stills

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Chapter 110 is 13 pages long welcome to hell!!! so in a lot of ways this is just more fuel for a theory that I've had for a few weeks now, that's only gotten stronger with each recent season 5 episode, which is that the last episode of the season is gonna end on 110, and that Asagiri/Harukawa and Bones have been collaborating to make this happen, specifically because it's a major turning point that would be the only good place to end the season on.

When we started getting especially long chapters again (like from 25-35ish pages, with the exception of 107.5, the last two being some of the longest we've ever had), at first I just assumed that Asagiri/Harukawa got freed up from some other obligations they'd been having to cause the extremely short/half chapters, like promotional stuff for the anime/Beast movie, or working on light novels. But then 109 happened, with the "supposed" death of Dazai, and heavy emphasis at the end on how literally everyone is at their lowest point right now, and I got to thinking. 11 episodes is a strangely specific number for an anime season -- why not 12, or 13, or even 10, like you'd usually see? Why have we gotten suddenly gotten two 35 page chapters out of nowhere, that's almost unheard of at this point? They're both beautiful chapters, don't get me wrong (as always), and maybe A/H simply just didn't want to cut them in halves because they felt like the full emotional impact wouldn't hit/that there were no good cutoff points in them, but you can't deny that it's surprising, after all the shorter chapters we've been getting. Why has the anime been going at such insanely breakneck pacing for the most part ever since around the Sunday Tragedy chapters, even more so than it has in the past? So much so that it feels dangerously close to overtaking the manga?

Well, maybe, just maybe, it's because..... Asagiri decided a long time ago that whatever happens in 110 is the only point that feels "season finale"-worthy enough, in an arc that still isn't anywhere close to being completely wrapped up, and so both the manga and the anime have been specifically coordinated to reach that part within 2 and a half weeks of each other?

I've seen a lot of people now think season 5 will end with 109, and as much as my sadistic side would find that hilarious, I honestly don't think they'd do that and realistically don't want it to happen; it'd be so cruel to cliffhanger the anime for years like that, and just doesn't feel like a season cliffhanger BSD would do, a series that is ultimately hopeful and uplifting. Seasons 2 and 3 had a positive, conclusive ending; the only reasons seasons 1 and 4 didn't was because they're technically not really full seasons of their own, and are more like the first cour of another "season" that also came out that same year (seasons 1 and 2 both aired in 2016, so they're more like one big season, and seasons 4 and 5 have both aired this year, so they're also more like one big season, again taking into account how episodes 12 and 50 are not satisfying finales like episodes 24, 37, and hypothetically, 61, are). I really can't see season 5 ending with Dazai and Fukuzawa's supposed deaths, Sigma being unconscious and maybe close to death, Atsushi being vulnerable and limbless again, everyone we love still vampires, and the entire world being basically doomed; that's just too depressing and not like BSD at all. However, having said that, if it doesn't end there, there really isn't any good place to end the season before that, either, that feels in any way satisfying or like a finale at all. And so, to me, that only leaves after 109: chapter 110.

I think things are really gonna turn around next chapter. Like I said, everyone is at their lowest point right now, it cannot possibly get any worse, the framing of Dazai, Fukuzawa, and sskk at the end of 109 is telling us that; this is the time for the heroes to finally start winning again, with Aya being so close to pulling out the sword, and for all the thematic reasons other people have talked about to death that I don't need to go into here again. This upcoming chapter being so short again makes a part of me wary of 110 being "the one", so to speak, I won't lie, but at the same time, it's very possible that it needs to be that short because that's all the final episode of the season will be able to reasonably fit in, since it's already gonna be VERY close if they do make it all the way to 109. And at the end of the day, I don't doubt at all that Asagiri and Harukawa can make these the most monumental and game-changing mere 13 pages ever if they wanted to; a chapter does not at all need to be extremely long in order to be an important and impactful one, even if short ones we've gotten in the past haven't felt the most important.

An additional thought I've had, though this is much more crack territory than all this already is, is that since we know from Anime Expo that a Stormbringer movie at some point is highly likely (judging from Asagiri's reaction when someone brought it up), it's possible that chapter 110 and thus the final episode will involve the long-anticipated return of Verlaine and/or Adam, or at least some other major reference to Stormbringer, that would naturally and smoothly lead into a Stormbringer movie to explain things to people who haven't read the novel. It would make a lot of sense, especially since the s4 OP has the Old World sign behind Chuuya, which might be a hint that this has been in the works ever since seasons 4/5 were first in planning with Asagiri. We also know that Dazai and Chuuya's voice actors apparently struggled to record their lines together this season, which probably relates to 101 and possibly 109, but it could be 110 too.... I could be very wrong, as I'm no expert on this kind of thing, but I kinda doubt they would bring Chuuya's actor in for just the vampire growls, and Asagiri placing heavy emphasis on Chuuya's importance this season in that one interview gives me the impression that he's talking about much more than just 101/109. But that's the least solid evidence I have, that's just mostly based on vibes I get.

So basically, I think a lot of factors -- the unusual episode count, how close the anime is to catching up to the manga with three whole episodes left, the seemingly arbitrary recent chapter lengths, and the climactic events of 109 -- can tell us that 110 might be a very, VERY big deal. Again, there's of course no way this arc is anywhere near close to being finished, with so much left to address and resolve, but since it is currently incomplete in the manga, unlike the previously adapted arcs, if the anime was going to adapt it at all, they'd have to find a place that feels satisfying enough to end this season, knowing there won't be more anime for a long time after this, and so I think they specifically planned for that, from both Bones' and A/H's sides. 10 episodes might not have been enough to reach that point, but 12 or 13 might have been too many it wouldn't have been if Bones actually decided to slow down and let the story breathe the way it needs to, but this post isn't meant to criticize the anime, so maybe 11 was just right. And maybe Asagiri and Harukawa specifically pushed to make recent chapters longer than usual, in order to make sure that the manga reached the story content in 110 the monthly release right before season 5 was to end.

Is this just copium? Absolutely. Am I going to look like an absolute clown in two days when this post ages like milk? Probably. But the evidence is There, so let me just enjoy my delusions until Sunday, okay 🥂🫡

#bungou stray dogs #seriously call me a clown and point and laugh at me if I'm proven wrong all you want #but I really feel like there's solid evidence for this #either s5 isn't gonna reach 109 at all (but I seriously cannot fathom where you would want to stop before then) or they'll go beyond it #if they really do end it with 109....... well i'll give Bones kudos for having the balls to do that ig lol #maybe i'm underestimating (overestimating???) them idk #also just to clarify I don't wanna make it sound like I think Asagiri let the anime/Bones dictate the manga's pacing #like I'm sure these were his/their (him and Harukawa's) own decisions first and foremost #not that (if this theory is true) the anime had a major impact on how the chapters were split and that it- #-would have been extremely different otherwise #i'm pretty confident in that Asagiri does not do anything with BSD he isn't comfortable with #and he doesn't let anyone tell him how to write his story #I just feel like he worked with Bones to make this near-simultaneous release happen #BUT if this is the case I don't feel like it had any major effect on the writing/final product that is the manga #like the last handful of chapters have been so incredible #so I at least am still perfectly happy lol #(i mean i'm devastated and a nervous wreck but u know 🫡 in a good way lmao) #anyway 110 in two days please let this theory be true because I need some fucking hope already #please let Oda show up as Dazai's guardian angel to help (see what I did there-) #it would be the perfect way to end the collective season that is 4/5 with s4 beginning with Oda and now ending with Oda #Asagiri are you reading me are you picking up what I'm putting down please please a ghost Oda is long overdue please- #Oda Verlaine Adam just GIVE ME SOMEONE ALREADY 😭😭😭 #MAYBE EVEN A TASTE OF THE FYODOR BACKSTORY TO TIE INTO HIM BEING IN ANIME UNTOLD ORIGINS. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS

[whydoifeelthisquiet]

I’m still so mad that my classmate went out of her way to block my instagram and that she potentially got it taken down … the worst part is that I thought she seemed like a really warm, genuine person ??? And I never interacted with her account at all ??? I just looked at it????

#abby doesnt shut up #this is still devastating to me and I want to know what I did ? #and I had to have a whole talk with my parents about how deep my loneliness goes #like I did nothing to her ? I’m still baffled #this is why I don’t even try to put myself out there

[homielander]

every once in a while i remember that nobody in season 3, not even annie or MM, ever bothered to bring up the very valid point that maybe the boys shouldn't be hunting and killing supes who haven't actually done anything wrong (at least to their knowledge), and i am filled with rage all over again

#when annie and mm at herogasm were like. 'u cant blow up the house! theres human s*x workers there!' #i THINK ur forgetting some people idk.... #unless they had proof that each of these supes was a deplorable murderer i am not interested in hearing excuses #like did the tnt twins even do anything other than enjoy weird s*x parties? #and weirdly hughie's conscience kicked in for mindstorm but not the herogasm supes who were. as far as he knew. just as innocent #i guess atp ever non-7 supe is written like a cartoon villain and mindstorm was only needed to wake billy so y would the audience even care #also only used the * because i know the tumblr tags are funky and hide posts #the boys #also like idk. maybe all of s3 was a pov trap and later audiences will recognize the gruesome reality of what they were cheering for #and btw some of you WERE cheering like weirdos #'to stop the unstable supervillain they should work with the other unstable supervillain! the second of whom is actively blowing ppl up!' 🤨📸 #and i STILL think annie's resistance was dumb because they tied it around toxic masculinity for hughie 'benchpress me' campbell #and annie failed to bring up the much more devastating impacts of what he and butcher were doing #it's just as much as i want to think this is deliberate on the writers' part. why WOULDN'T they have their moral beacon raise #the most pressing issue at hand? not her being undermined or working with someone bad but lives being lost? idk. #especially considering annie's arc is not one of corruption or even overcoming corruption. she's just the total good guy #point is it just makes me worry for what's next #(also me complaining abt the boys s3... it feels like old times <3)

[girlscience]

boy howdy, I am working myself into a full panic over this. if I get an hour of sleep tonight it will be a miracle.

#like this is an INTERVIEW. do you know how many job interviews I have had in my life???? #compared to how many jobs I have had??????? #I GOT REJECTED BY WALGREENS FOR CHRISTS SAKE #I just. this man is holding my entire plan for my future right now in his hands #if he doesn't want me. If he decides I wouldn't be good in his lab I don't know what I'll do #like yeah yeah life will keep going and the world will keep turning and stuff #but I am not joking I will be devastated. and then I will have to TELL people about it #and like I still have yet to hear back from the other school and none of the professors there have talked to me #so idk if I could do what I want to there either (they do have the classes I want so I'm assuming one of the professors does what I want) #and everyone keeps saying it'll be fine and I'll do good and anyone would want me in their lab #but I DONT THINK IM IMPRESSIVE. I compare myself to other scientists and eh. I don't measure up #like sure I have good bench skills and I can learn pretty much anything you set me to #but I don't know how to come up with research proposals #I don't know how to ask good questions about papers I read #I don't have good ideas for further research #like. I did library prep at work for 3 years and we recently hired someone who has more or less taken it over #and he actually understands and talks about the actual molecular processes in a way I never learned #idk I just feel like yeah I'm good at science. but I'm good because I'm good at following directions #I am not actually inovative or creative or increasing understanding #point is I am stressed and people keep telling me not to be but I don't believe them and I am scared that I have got myself too excited #and I am about to be let down very hard very fast #and I don't really have any safety nets in place if it doesn't work out

[lightspren]

it has been. Such a bad week. oh my god.

#kit talks #anyway did you know crying a Lot over many days is not helpful to recovering from being sick #maybe not necessarily what made me sicker but it sure didn’t help! #we’re planning on giving the dog back. i just can’t do it. i am hmm. devastated is a good word. it’s my decision but i’m still torn to bits #and that’s all i can say about that right now! since I don’t want to go back into hyperventilating sobbing!

[gatun-gatunesco]

...

#the results finally came: i have hepatitis. Is not longer just simple sickness and liver malfunction. Now i have chronic illness #and i am back into my place. after being far away for some weeks feeling like a victim of the narrative #how foolish and stupid i was #i tried not to think about it. to not give it importance as she said it was not that serious #but now that i am alone in here again i realize that everything it was my fault #“is our mistake” i can hear her say. but it is my fault: i was the sober one. the one in control. the one that did not let her go #“she was teasing you. was somerhing she wanted” some people reply. but that is no excuse for my behaviour #i was supposed to protect her. to let her be free with herself. and in the end i only gave her pain and regret. i destroyed my last chance #perhaps being denied to fix what i did. to prove myself better. is my punishment and i should accept it #not able to know about her life. if she is okay. if her heart is recovering. if her mind is not killing her. is part of the punishment too #sure. the guilt is destroying me. but i deserve it. in fact. i deserve all the problems i am having. i deserve to be out of her life #my chairs are screaming. my bed is punching. the blankets are a burden. the walls compress me. the juice is sour. #i can no longer make that dish. not that snack. and just thinking about the strawberrys dessert makes me nauseous and want to puke #i am totally sure that event damaged her more than she wanted to admit. if is this devastating to me. should be x10 worse for her. #but i will never know and that is part of the suffering i deserve #i hope she manage to heal. to forget about me. to find someone better that can truly help her #i hope she never wanted to came back. it will only bring her pain. see me will only make her remember the trauma #i am not free of sin. i betrayed myself that day. i betrayer her too. i do not deserve forgiveness from both #the walls are not the culprit. yet my anger keep me punching them. i could damage myself but my liver is already doing that #perhaps this illness will set me free. but until that happens. i still need to try going forward. #mostly becasue is not fair i just give up and end my suffering that easy. i must face my punishment #yet i hope she is not being tormented by my mistake. i doubt it. but she deserve better #hopefully she will never read this and therefore never try to contact me to debate the mistake if she still think was her fault #hopefully she will heal and grow. happy and independent. free with lots of friends. loving herself and someone special for her #i tried to be a saviour but at the end i only destroyed who i wanted to save. along myself in the process #better to stay alone that to hurt someone and myself again #i wish life to let me be in the void where i belong. feeling desires is gross and awful. better to not feel anything like i was before #tried to distract myself with funny stuff and healing posts. heck even some sad and broken stuff to feel understood #but nothing of that was really helpful as i was only neglecting the reality and severity of my actions. i must leave #so goodbye. i should come back when the illness and the guilt stop killing me (if it does not succeed)

[absoluteabsolem]

she had the softest fur i've ever touched in my life, she had a beautifully round little head, she always looked angry but she was so loving, she was smaller than most cats, she followed me to every room, she slept under the covers with me during winter, and on what became her very own pillow right next to my head in warmer times. she loved fish, especially salmon and tuna, and she drank a lot of water, preferably from my glass. she loved catnip and valerian. she talked so so much whenever someone was home, and even when we were alone, she always had things to say, and i was always happy to listen. she was so beautiful. she took her meds every day without too much trouble except when she really wasn't in the mood, but in the end she always took them. she was on her best behaviour at the vet except the last few times, and i hope i'll always keep the scars she left me. she smelled so nice, she loved to sleep in the sun. she survived with full recovery the first two times her life was in danger like the absolute superstar she was. she was the heart of my home and my life and the best part of me and nothing makes sense without her. i miss her so much i don't even feel like a person. i'm as empty as my home. she yelled at me whenever i took a shower until i slid the door open because she wanted to drink the water. she pissed on my bed a lot in her last few weeks but it was okay. tiring but okay. it wasn't her fault. i loved her so much and she fought so hard and i know she left in the best possible way but i'm haunted by things i have no power over and things that never even happened. what if i hadn't been home. what if she had died all alone and terrified and in pain. but she didn't. she was warm and cared for and she didn't feel a thing. everyone involved did their very best and there was nothing i could have done better and i hope she knew. i hope she knew what she meant to me. i hope i showed her enough. i hope she was happy. i wish we'd had more time

#god i wish we'd had more time #i don't have words to say how fucking devastated i am #i miss her so much i can't do this without her i just can't #i could never watch a film in peace because she wanted me to pay attention to her and so i did #i was worried whenever i wasn't home because what if something happened #i stayed home a lot during the past year because i was sick or recovering from surgery #we spent a lot of time together she never left my side #i love her and it hurts so much #i know there's nothing to do but wait but #i don't feel like i can do this. she was my whole world #and god i hope i took care of her well enough #i did everything i could and i still wish i could have done more because she deserved it #she was just a little cat #but it's all so empty without her #and i feel like i died with her and it just hasn't hit me yet #the sun rises and sets every day but it doesn't really matter anymore does it. i just wish she was here