#they do both need therapy tho

[0vergrowngraveyard]

Surprise villain au oneshot

———

It had only been about three months since he took the little fox kit he found on some rich folk’s porch under his wing and Sonic had already heard the little guy apologize to him more times than he could count.

Most of the time it was for no reason, like if the kit dropped something and Sonic looked back at him. Just little things that required no apology but he always got one anyway. The hedgehog always waved it off, telling him that there was nothing he needed to apologize for.

Sometimes, however, it was due to how Sonic himself responded to him.

Sonic tended to experience pretty extreme mood swings, going from practically bouncing off the walls to the bottom of the barrel to being ready to kill someone who looked at him wrong all before a moment's notice. It wasn’t uncommon for him to be pleasant to be around one second and then suddenly snapping at anyone who breathed too loudly the next.

He knew it happened, he just didn’t know what to do about it. It was like he was stuck and could only watch himself slowly fall apart.

And worst of all, he’d begun to snap at Tails.

He didn’t mean to — he didn’t want to scare the little guy away, not when this was the first friend he’d ever had and they’d just started getting closer — but he couldn’t stop himself.

Sometimes the kit’s crime was asking a question at the wrong time or simply talking to him. It’s not like he ever knew when Sonic would suddenly get mad at him, the little guy was just trying to communicate with his new friend and was being punished for it.

Everytime it happened, the fox would get quiet and walk a few steps behind him. He’d only speak when spoken to until something got him excited the next day.

But he never left, he always stayed somewhere behind him and was still there in the morning.

It was a cycle.

They were walking down the street during the later hours of the evening, trying to think of somewhere to settle that night. Today was slow, Sonic usually got their money by pickpocketing off random people and he hadn’t been able to find anyone with more than $5 on them. It’s like all the richer mobians stayed inside today or people were starting to realize that money was being stolen and got smart.

Don’t get him wrong, $5 was great and he’d take it but deep down, some part of him was still used to the lavishness of Eggman’s bases…

They’d made it near the outskirts of Station Square. There’d been nowhere in the city for them to sleep with all the anti-homeless shit they’d been putting up. Spikes on benches, blocking off alleyways, the works. Sometimes, he considered just getting the two of them arrested so they could sleep in the juvenile detention center for the night or two.

But then they’d be separated and Tails could be sent back to his so-called parents.

He didn’t understand why they even bothered to file a missing person report and hung up fliers, they obviously didn’t care about the kid like he did. If they had been good parents, then Sonic wouldn’t have found the kit sitting on a porch in the rain, saying that his parents had kicked him out of the house for the night.

If they didn’t want to take care of their own kid, fine. He’d do it for them.

As they made it to the train station, Sonic put his hands on his hips and hummed. He looked back, “Hey, kid. What do you say we camp out in the Mystic Ruins tonight? Y’know, sleep under the stars and all…that…” His words trailed off as he looked at the kit.

He was holding one of the missing person posters.

Now, you wouldn’t be able to tell he was the kid in the flier unless you squinted and maybe turned the paper on its side. It was a terrible picture and the description said nothing about his twin tails. As long as the kid kept his hood on, he was in the clear.

But that wasn’t the problem.

An indescribable fear gutted him, dread opening up a pit in his stomach as his breath hitched. It was irrational, he knew it was irrational, but that didn't change anything.

“Why do you have that?” He asked

Tails blinked at him and looked back down at the paper, “Oh, uh- I found it yesterday. I meant to throw it away earlier but I forgot-“ The kit tried to explain before Sonic cut him off.

His body moved on autopilot as he snatched the flier right out of the kid’s hand, completely missing the way the kid flinched. Sonic’s gaze narrowed, glaring down at the wide blue eyes now full of fear staring up at him. He looked down at the flier again and ripped it into four pieces with an annoyed tsk.

“Forgot to throw it out, huh? You sure you weren’t just planning on going back to your folks and leaving me in the dust?” He practically spat out.

Tails’ eyes got wider and his breath hitched before he frantically shook his head, tears building in his eyes as they squeezed shut. “No! No, I wasn’t!” He cried out, “Honest!”

Sonic stared at the kit as he rubbed his eyes with the back of his paws to stop any tears from falling in public. Self awareness suddenly barreled into him full force as he remembered that they were, in fact, surrounded by people. He could feel their eyes on him.

He anxiously clenched his fists and turned around, “Good...” he simply said, “Let’s get going.”

The kid nodded and scurried behind him, still willing to follow him.

The train ride was quiet. It was pretty late so that wasn’t too surprising. Sonic looked out the window behind him, watching as the city lights faded into deep greens as they approached their destination.

Instead of leaning against his shoulder as he usually did, Tails sat a little bit away from him, namesakes curled around his legs as he stared at the floor. His ears were down, resting against the back of his head. His eyes were covered by his hood, Sonic could only see the small frown on his muzzle.

He sighed. He could only imagine what his little outburst looked to random people walking by. A thirteen year old scolding a six year old for holding a piece of paper. What a great look.

It’s not like anyone did anything about it anyway. No one ever did anything about it.

“I’m sorry.” The kit mumbled.

“You’re good.” Is what Sonic should’ve said, because it was true. He was all good, he didn’t do anything wrong.

But instead Sonic just hummed, unable to bring himself to speak. He didn’t know if it was embarrassment or if part of him was still unreasonably mad at the kid. He felt his heart break all the same when he saw the kit make himself smaller.

The kid didn’t deserve this, he didn’t deserve any of this. If Sonic knew what was good for him, he would’ve dropped him off somewhere with nice people who didn’t randomly snap at him and push him away only to love bomb him a day later.

Tails didn’t deserve any of it and yet Sonic couldn’t let him go. He didn’t want to be alone, the thought terrified him.

Eventually, they made camp near a cliff overseeing the ocean in the Mystic Ruins. The stars were shining overhead and the waves crashed against the shore beneath them. The wind rustled the trees and danced with their little campfire that lit up their faces.

Neither had said a word to each other since the train station, but that was normal.

Sonic looked at Tails out of the corner of his eye. The little kid just sat there, his blue eyes were still downcast as the fire’s warm glow reflected off of them. While his ears weren’t pressed against the back of his head anymore, they were still wilted, not quite standing up to full height.

The hedgehog sighed before looking back at the campfire, “You…you weren’t lying back there, were you?” He asked, “About not leaving…you weren’t just saying what I wanted to hear, right?”

Tails shook his head, “I wasn’t lying”

Sonic stayed quiet for a moment and just watched the fire dance, listening to each crackle as his words from earlier echoed in his head.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

“It’s okay, Sonic.”

Soon they would go to sleep and wake up the next morning. Everything would go back to how it was. Sonic would spoil the kit as an attempt at an apology and they'd be fine until the next time he lost his temper. Maybe it would take a few days, maybe a few weeks, maybe even a whole month, but it would happen again and the cycle would repeat.

That was their normal.

#fic #and the brother of the year award goes to…. #not this guy! #at least sonic is self aware right? right? #they’re fine i swear #they do both need therapy tho #would just like to say that this takes place before they become criminals #whereas regular sonic values freedom even if it means his friends leave for a bit #this sonic is terrified of being alone #and would self destruct if tails were to ever leave #sonic the hedgehog #miles tails prower #unbreakable bond #the brothers ever #villain au

[aroacettorney]

we talked a lot about how the incidents in delica absolutely broke ludger, but tbh, casey didnt come out of it unscathed either.

imagine how lonely you must have been to willingly travel to such a distant land just to see someone who was potentially like/similar to you. and when you thought you finally got a best friend who could understand you in a way that no one else could, they turned out to be something you would absolutely abhor with your entire existence. they gave no explanations. they bothered not with excuses. there wasnt even enough time for you to grieve what you just lost because they forced your hands to fight them in a death battle. without a word, they just simply vanished as if your friendship in the past few months meant absolutely nothing to them and you were left alone again, trying to navigate when and what went wrong all by yourself. there was a mix of burning hatred, betrayal, and sadness inside you, but there was no longer anyone for you to talk about it — no one that could understand it. you endured all those feelings for three years with no one to share while chasing after your old-best-friend-now-turned-archenemy for answers because they never gave you the closure you deserved.

even when you finally learned the truth, you realised that they had never trusted you nor your abilities enough to even consider working together. rather, they took on the most extreme measure and didnt hesitate to make you their biggest enemy all the while keeping all their troubles and pains to themselves. best friends, friends, friendly acquaintances, private detective and their client — it turned out that your relationship was neither of them. was it truly your one-sided assumption after all? or perhaps, was it because you failed them when you could have known better and done better? still wanting to keep believing that your companionship was once real, your guilt started gnawing on your conscience. not only you couldnt save them, but your inadequateness also doomed them to their worst fate possible.

then, the opportunity came. you finally mustered up all the courage to utter an apology. even though they acknowledged it, they made no intention to accept your peace offerings. they reminded, "our alliance is temporary". they stressed, "enemies are what we are destined to be". what a fool you were, trying to save a relationship that never existed. either that, or you had never truly been forgiven. they wanted nothing to do with you. they needed not saving by you. it wasnt a closure you wanted but its still a closure you got. in the end, you were left alone once more, with the knowledge of a possibility that you also might not be able to save them again this time.

#academy's undercover professor #academy's undercover professor spoilers #aro ludgercasey propaganda #selmore's undercover husband #casey selmore #this is caseys pov. to her ludgers true feeling is an enigma because he auto crits on deception. #ironically i think casey was/is much lonelier than ludger. #when she was bedridden for a month ludger seemed to be the only one who came for a visit??? (feral fans dont count) #what was marias even doing???? #ludger tends to think he is alone but he still has a lot of comrades openly caring for him. #even tho the delica incidents hit him hard he still at least had hans as his trusted emotional supporter. #meanwhile casey had to process everything by herself. there was no one holding her hands through it. #there is betty but i dont think she would be good at processing these complex and contradicting emotions that casey were having. #caseys going through the same thing ludger used to experience. the helpless feeling of not being able to save someone you most care about. #with the guilt eating her up under the right conditions she has the potential to become ludger 2.0. #personally i think the trigger would be ludgers self-delivered death. #it could break her for good considering how much guilt she already has over the delica incidents — the one event that changed everything. #anyway in conclusion casey also needs therapy. both of them need couple therapy.

[cry-ptidd]

I got a currently unrelated but important and angst af question(s?);

I know you said that Jean didn’t know that the beast of gevaudan was his daughter Laura, but imagine if he did, before or after he ‘killed’ the beast. Can you imagine the raw heart ache and grief finding how that his baby girl was turned into a monster and (had to) killed her?

Also, if Jean and Laura somehow met in modern Hellsing, even for five minutes, what would be said between father and daughter?

Enjoy the pain ☺️

I'll add onto that, anon, and share some historical facts with you that make this situation even more painful!

According to sources (article in French citing Guy Crouzet), Chastel's signature doesn't appear on the Marin report written the morrow after the beast's death, the 20th of June 1767. In the article, they speculate as to why, considering it was very clear according to eye witnesses and the lord of Apcher. According to Crouzet, the hypothesis could be that he either wasn't invited to sign it or that he was, but refused to attend.

If we want to take this into Laura's story and canon, then the idea that Jean who is hailed as the hero of Gévaudan for killing the beast and whose signature on that report would've "hailed and justified his glory and exploit for centuries to come", refused to attend it. He knew how to write and read, everyone knew he was the one that fired the shot. Why wouldn't he come?

Of course, why wouldn't he come. He will be given money and his name will be remembered as the hero who slew the beast and ended its reign of terror. Except the beast had his daughter's eyes, the eldest daughter he hadn't seen in 9 years because of a single day where she went to herd cows in a clearing, when whatever the hell started to happen to her. He hadn't heard from her since, he didn't know what she became, if her affliction was cured, if she was taken care of. The daughter he knew as kind and obedient and devout and the sweetest and a bit naive child he proudly loved, then the worst thing happens to her and years later something similar to what she's seen, a "wolf-like creature" terrorizing the locals, starts to happen again.

And two years after the beast's continuous rampages, he finally meets it face to face, and it's unnervingly familiar.

He would barely have the time to even process what happened before it's torn up, and he'd recognize the awful monster he just shot was his daughter that he left in the care of holy men to cure her and she was supposed to be better so what the hell was that thing he just shot? Is that supposed to be what happened to his child? This creature, so hateful and plain ungodly, is what his little girl grew into?

And now he's invited to sign the Marin report to confirm that indeed he did shoot the beast. It's what he will be remembered for, for killing the monster that no one knows is his eldest daughter that "succumbed to an illness" nine years ago and he's later offered just 72 pounds for the life of his daughter. That's what she was worth, apparently.

It was also noted that the beast's body was very poorly embalmed after its recovery. I imagine that whatever they found - or whatever the dogs had torn up in Laura's stead - had a rough time. I think that if Chastel saw it here, he would've been thankful for everything to not recognize the dead eyes staring up at him.

#how many years of therapy do we need here #hellsing oc #my oc #laura chastel #ask response #oc rambling #long post #RAHHH THE TRAGEDY OF FATE RAHHHHH #im so sorry little Laura you did NOT deserve any of this. I'm sorry #it makes me a bit uneasy to write stuff about real people but then I remember that we've got Vlad III of Wallachia in Hellsing so I guess? #if they were to meet again though - Jean would probably spend the entire time weeping apology after apology #laura tho? she'd be the most resentful creature the earth had seen #the grief is equally shared. it's just grown into vastly different shapes in both their hearts.

[tomwambsgans]

tomgreg is about the fantasy of being able to find someone who genuinely likes that you're mean and in fact thrives very well being needed in the particular kind of fucked up way that you need someone which makes it so you don't actually have to work that much to strip away your superiority complex in order to be loved for who you are

#mine #tomgreg #like wait i can kind of very openly see you as an extension of myself and you LIKE it? jackpot #(slash pos obviously there's a lot of nuance here and tom is very selfless underneath it all) #anyway genuinely tho i do feel like a bit of their thesis is very purposefully lacking the notion of self-improvement #like tom def does work to change the parts of himself that harm greg - WHEN he learns that they do #but there's a certain like. ok maybe it's just me and my personal revelations #in any case those revelations are that it's NOT necessarily the goal for every person and every relationship to be any particular #idea of 'healthy' #like yeah sure MAYBE if greg went to therapy and if he really WANTED to he could become someone who didn't tolerate #the way that tom as a closeted man is only able to express affection #but like... if he CAN tolerate it... if he's pathologically WIRED. even. to tolerate it #then is it really harmful? #if it's love and if both parties are willing and passionate is it REALLY bad? does it REALLY need to change? #maybe the diversity of the human condition simply includes #that what's horrible for one man is ideal for another #and that includes the people you love. idk

[boag]

I mentioned this briefly yesterday but basically my mom lost her little purse while walking the dogs and we’ve looked everywhere in our neighborhood and someone definitely took it bc it’s nowhere to be found. We have no way to track the location of anything in it bc she still has her phone, but the purse contained literally everything else we had. All of our money and all of my mom’s cards and important items were in it and now we have absolutely nothing. So if anyone could help us out so we can pay for food and bills and stuff while we sort this out it would really be SO appreciated like we’re just completely screwed rn 😭 Anything any of you could spare would really help us so much like we’re currently just penniless with no backup plan or anything and we used the rest of the little food we had to make dinner tonight and now we have nothing left

My Cashapp, PayPal, and Venmo are all karmabauer

#I hate that I keep having to do this but yeah we rlly need the help rn #and I’m currently busy with therapy and everything bc I finally got mental health treatment again #after struggling to get into any programs for so long #and my therapist and case worker both want me to get myself to a point where I’m much more mentally stable #before they help me get back in the workforce #which I agree with them on bc the last few jobs I’ve had have ended rlly badly bc of how badly I was doing mentally #but it’s rlly stressful that I haven’t been able to get a new source of income for so long #I’m making a lot of progress tho so soon I’ll def be able to be more self sufficient #and idk I just rlly appreciate those of you who’ve helped me during this time #and anyone who may decide to help now #love y’all sm genuinely 😭 u guys are really so kind and make me feel so much hope idk :’) 💖

[gxlden-angels]

Hello! I apologize if this is a nosy question, but what is the silly feelings wheel app you were talking about in a previous post? My therapist and I have been working on identifying feelings but I still very much rely on a list of feeling words to have any idea what I’m feeling, so it could be a helpful resource. No worries if you don’t want to share, just thought I would ask :)

It's called How We Feel! I'm not sure if it's available on all devices yet, but it's on ios and the google play store for sure.

I've been using it for about a year. It's more of a chart than a wheel but people usually recognize the wheel better so that's what I call it. When you first start it has a 10-part tutorial about emotional acceptance and regulation, then it has suggestions for each category of emotion. You can access both at any time tho after those first 10 days.

It has a share option so you can have friends, which has been great for me cause it prompts me to check on friends and them to do the same for me. It allows you to just respond with a little emoji in like a "I'm here for you" little notification to your friend, or you can reach out to your friend on your own. Its really helped me cause I'm bad at reaching out when I need support so to me and I'm bad about taking on other's problems even when I can't handle it so being able to send a little emoji instead to make sure my friends know I'm there if they need me and them doing the same has been great

#I know I sound like I'm a being sponsored by this app but it's genuinely been incredible for my mental health #whenever I get frustrated in therapy now about not being able to describe a feeling my therapist asks me to think about the chart #he'll ask me what color I feel and go 'good! do you want to narrow it down from there or continue with just that?' and it's so helpful #I have such terrible alexithymia from both cptsd and autism #it took a year of working with him to even recognize when I felt angry or hungry or sick #my friends and I check in on each other regularly now but it feels less intrusive #cause it feels like indirectly reaching out so it's less pressure to directly respond #and it might not feel the same for everyone since it could be jarring to get a notification saying friend feels miserable #but now that I've gotten used to it I don't feel like I need to solve their problems and make them feel better #Like they might be miserable because they're sick! So I check in and they say they're sick but okay and I don't feel the impulse to solve #like I would if I just didn't see them then saw them in person and saw they looked miserable #I don't blame myself or feel like I personally need to fix everything because I know they felt like that from an outside source I can't #control but I can certainly help them if they want! It's their choice tho and I don't feel bad if they don't/I can't #I feel less need to control my emotions/force them to be positive like I used to cause nobody feels positive 24/7 and I can see it #I don't feel the need to be politely content like I did in church because no one can be 24/7. I've attempted to get my family to start but #they're still stuck in needing to not be openly negative. It also helps me accept that negative feelings don't last forever #Someone feeling miserable because they're sick eventually puts they feel tired. Then chill and I know they feel better and I feel better too #Anyways thanks for listening to me ramble about my silly little feelings wheel app I hope it helps you like it helped me anon <3

[meateater-lamb]

#vent #ahhh my best friend has once again told me to move out and look at shelters hahahahahahaha #like fuck man there ISNT A SHELTER HERE. #the only one we have is only open a couple months in winter #and also a shelter is THE WORST OPTION #esp in utah #like if i move out i need 2 have like help i cant just do it on my own yknow #he did have a good idea abt a mental health professional being able 2 help me tho.. #but then im 2 scared my mom will find out im going to therapy!!! #but i am going to look into it #bc like. i just cant do this anymore yknow #this place is killing me #like literally #both my mental and physical health are. very poor rn. #idk what 2 do idk. i am fuckin scared abt everything yknow #dissociation has gotten worse #i keep seeing things #heart is acting up #cant eat #keep having nightmares #mom wants me 2 give her $1.5k #my dog is super arthritic n im the only one who will do anything with her #which is making MY joints and body pain way worse #i am always sick n i always have the smell of mold stuck in my nose now #i cant even function man #i just lay on the couch all day sick and out of my mind n then i get screamed at for it #bc im the only one who cleans so if im not cleaning the house is fucked and so the house is fucked #i cant see a way out idk #nothing makes me happy and i feel like im dying again #my entire life is fucked

[sysig]

Yandere x Yandere is an underused trope imho (Patreon)

#Doodles #Original #Yanderapy #Surprise surprise! They're both yanderes lol #That was actually the main element of the accidentally-combined-ideas - one of them was supposed to be not-yandere in one of them #Buuut I do stand by that yandere/yandere couples are underutilized for comedic and dramatic purposes and I'm only too happy to do it myself #In this case it's more on the comedic side because they're rather yandere-Lite™ - neither of them are interested in Hurting the other #Being weird and all up in each other's business and a little toxic and thinking about each other a lot? Yes lol #But also part of the comedy is that Because they're so into each other there's not really any need to escalate to violence #They just like each other too much! #And also Mitsuru was in therapy enough to pick up on some red flags of his own to curb so when he sees them in the wild he has workarounds #Ishida is pressing a boundary (and he knows it) to see if he can get Mitsu to agree to isolate himself #The thing with Mitsu is he's also a little dumb and innocent ♪ He's slow to pick up social cues and process new information #So he sees the behaviour (using negative-talk as a way to isolate) and instead falls back on his established skill (setting boundaries) #Without recognizing that Ishida meant anything malicious by it or that the response he was trying to illicit failed lol #He's a bit lovestruck as well so of course he's going to assume the best! Ishida also thinks it's cute so he knocks it off after a while lol #If I ever do go into drama with these two it's going to be interesting >:3c I do have some ideas just In General but them specifically hmmm #For now I'm happy to have them just be a silly comedic duo tho haha

[live-at-fortune-city]

If Errol ever got into a genuine relationship, it's because someone misinterpreted one of his threats as flirting, and it all snowballed from there because they went for it

to be fair to the awful biker man my tastes are bad and the red flags on him even ignoring the threats are innumerable but red my favorite color so what it DO baybeeeee

more in tags ig if you want real damon ramble hours !

#damon.txt #erol #idk who you are jak and daxter anon but thank u... #i have no idea if my reads on characters are?? interesting to others but i'll write out some thoughts here i suppose! #erol's got a lot of?? frustrations as a person that i do not think any s/o could fulfill. like genuine to him is i think a yes man. #i definitely can see misinterpreting his threats as flirting tho. i mean i think that's what made my brainrot get this bad JKDHFJS #the SECOND his ego gets bruised he needs that reaffirmation/validation. idk if this makes any sense LOL #imo.. the two things he is committed to are whatever praxis says and his own ego. maybe torturing jak too tbh but mainly the other two #i accept the derangement i've been there too man. studying his brain under a microscope personally #the numerous atrocities are part of him and I've decided they're funny. cyber errol is very fucked but i liked him before it was cool #tl;dr this man needs. some form of therapy. or the electric chair. maybe even both /lh

[just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi]

.... 

new game, it is just a human thing, an ADHD thing, or a “I’m just weird” thing

#for as much as I act like i've got adhd i've never been medically diagnosed like. offically #(i did have a therapist who gave me a test and talked to me about it and asked if i wanted treatment plan for it tho) #so i have someone both developed imposter syndrome and talk about it constantly #*me every day* what if i don't have adhd i just have the personallity of someone who has adhd #like my personality is just all the symptoms of adhd but i don't like. have it #mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm #i need to go back to therapy #i'm doing the hyperactive part of the hyperactive disorder that i think i do but i also think i don't have #remember when i used to write on this blog #remember when i used to be able to shut up #i remember when i was stable #it was nice #it was like 4 months ago

[ectogeranium]

I might just be having an episode, but I’m currently figuring out the tattoos I want, and the placements >:3

#who needs therapy when you can finally figure out how you wanna ink your body?? #okay.. so… here’s what I’m thinking #I still want Eddie Munson’s bat tattoo on my left arm #that’s a given #symmetrical soul eater moons on both sides of my collarbone #like… I can’t explain the area well but like.. underneath the bone and towards my shoulder? #idk if I’m explaining that right hgyjhhkuhkj #I want asura’s eyes in the middle of my collarbone #(yes ive hears how painful chest tats are. do I care? I might. but I don’t :3 ) #**heard #let’s see… I know I want a death the kid skull somewhere. I’ve considered it behind my ear but ehhhhhhhh idk on that one yet #hear me out… Midas from fortnite has this one tattoo of a skull with flowers and horns #HEAR ME OUT…. I ALSO want an unus annus tattoo on my left wrist…. #of the countdown timer saying 00:00:00…. #……what if I combined the two and put the zeros on the skull’s head and replaced the roses with lilies ??? 👀👀👀 #…I need to draw that hold on— #anyways #Spyro tattoo. I found art of a super cute ps1 styled Spyro head w sparx and if I ever have the balls to get it I’m gonna dm the artist #and ask if I can get it done #here’s the thing tho.. I don’t want colored tattoos.. and the Spyro ones are obviously colored… I’ll cross that bridge as I get closer— #I wanna get a matching one with Taty but we don’t know what we want yet #and about the symmetrical moons… I don’t want that ugly ass sun on my body jygjhbhjb #so…. two moons :3 #n e ways #that’s all I got so far. mwah

[pansyfemme]

i 💖 my therapist forever and ever

#ive been seeing him for six and a half yrs and i never get sick of that dude #he’s my second therapist ever. i HATED my first one and her practices but i was nervous to switch #since i was switching from a woman to a cishet white christan man in his 70’s. but he ended up being like way more accepting than i thought? #he’s wayyy old fashioned #he does both my meds and therapy twice a week which is pretty rare since usually ppl have to go to a second person for meds #he wears sweater vests and little glasses and has a white beard lol #he has one of those couches u see in cartoons in his office and writes in a little notebook #he is literally a therapist from a cartoon but he genuinly cares abt me #he gets me birthday and xmas gifts and i do the same for him. he remembers everything i talk about #and he listens really well even tho i have to explain a lot of trans stuff to him #when i told him i needed a letter for surgery he didnt even question it and his letter was so emotional and powerful it helped get me past #insurance way faster than i thought since i was underage. #i love him sm

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

i dont know much about trigun but i think it would be silly if vash and knives (they are brothers?) or vash and wolfwood (lovers? enemies? idk) were drawn like that barbie and ken mugshot meme. From what you post Mr Vash Stampede just seems like ken. little silly guy

YOU HAVE THE MOST PERFECT TIMING WITH THIS EVER I'm literally in the middle of drawing a picture of knives and vash that looks like this.

theyre brothers your honor

#i would draw the whole meme but i simply do not have the energy for it tonight #the phrase mr the stampede has been stuck in my head all night hehe u just reminded me of it #drawing vashs tristamp hair is soooo painful to me. i miss the spikey. unfortunately i am doing a style swap thing with this so i have to #sigh </3 #hiiii louis this made me smile hehe thank u #also ive seen like 3 ppl do that meme with vashwood already so the fact that u included knives makes me happy :] #(<< guy who is having a category 12 emotional about millions knives moment tonight) #theyre BROTHERS. theyre brothers..... #i love the idea that after canon knives calms down and stops trying 2 kill everybody bc he realizes #oh i dont want to commit genocide actually. i just need therapy. #but like. he and vash are still both wanted criminals because. gestures at the events of trigun. all that #so its just. silly antagonistic brother adventures. i keep thinking abt that one drawing someone did of them comparing wanted posters #its so silly and its so important to meeeeeee. #knives just needs to smoke some weed and play Minecraft for a few hours and he'll calm down. #hes just got undiagnosed autism and a metric ton of childhood trauma. its fine #sorry i kind of went off on u there. I'm having trigun emotions tonight. if u couldn't tell #making this unrebloggable because its a wip <3 sorry kings #my sketches are sooooo ugly . u get the idea tho #asks #friends!!! #din0draws #shrimp fried rice #also. other file names blurred bc its a spoiler for another ask I'm answering soon. lmao

[dwelicate]

vent in tags bbg

#okay so i have some irls on here but idk how often theyre on fucking tumblr but if you see this i love you very much and im not gonna kms #okay so literallly i got broken up w last night and im honestly really fucking relieved bc i loved him a lot but we were both so fucking #unstable as individuals that i knew it was never gonna last #but he broke up w me bc he fell out of love w me which bothers me #bc he needs help and hes starting to get it i just hope he doesnt fucking hurt another person #i really thought we were gonna fucking last forever bro #he talked abt fucking marriage #i am a minor #which says everything you need to know abt wanting to marry someone on the night you confess #im just #i just #i dont fucking know anymore #im so sad all the fucking time #like i thought it was hormonal and shit but its not fucking going away #and i told my parents and ive been on a waitlist for therapy but i need it now #i genuinely need help #im not suicidal at all tho i dont want to die i just need a break #when i finish fucking typing this i have to go do my hw. i want to die. #im kidding i just said i didnt #we're still friends though but we built so much together #i miss him a lot #but i couldnt get back together w him #he was really shitty to me tbh #but he was my first so many thing that its like #idk how to rebuild that trust w anyone to let them see me like that again just for them to fucking leave #and im still so young #im so young and emotional #i have so much time #to love others #idk

[kazuwhora]

this is just a rambling thought but im watching a documentary on conversion therapy and honestly like its really making me look back at my life and all the excuses and reasons I had tried to come up with in my head for why I just wasn't into having sex with my ex?? tw for comphet and such under the cut lol

I remember telling him and myself that it was because of the stress I was under at makeup school, then it was that I was not feeling very "sexual" because I worked in a school as a teacher and it just didn't feel like me to be sexually active, at one point I had just convinced myself there was something physically wrong with me because I just could not get any enjoyment out of it and only in the past year have I grown to realize that that shift happened when I was no longer a teenager who had clung to the status of dating an older guy and having experiences my peers in highschool didn't and once I moved out on my own and lived with him it was like, that novelty was gone and there was no attraction left? and then after we broke up I spent months trying to date men and convinced myself I just had extremely high standards anyways here we are now realizing that it was all comphet and internalized homophobia and that I am definitely not fucked up and there is nothing wrong with me physically or emotionally im just a lesbian LOL so I hope if ur experiencing that u can one day come to truth with your identity because DAMN is it liberating

#we wont talk about having to come out to people tho #its not that my parents would have a problem with it both of them are bi #but #idk its just not something i see a need to do #If the time comes I'll just bring her home and say hey this is my gf and they'll go cool! #and thats it #anyways #had to get this off my head #tw: homophobia #tw: conversion therapy

[pirefyrelight]

Rant about work today below cut

so today was fun (<- lying so hard you can see the sarcasm) I first came in to work at 2 because that's my usual shift and I just didn't check the schedule beyond whether I work or not a few days ago. Turns out I was supposed to be in at 4 to close and the way the sous chef informed me of this kinda soured my mood right out the gate. He didn't call me an idiot for not checking my schedule outright, but I could hear it in his voice.

Whatever, I'll brush it off. There's a coffeeshop with good breakfast sandwiches like two blocks away I'll hang out there for a few hours.

Well turns out they close at 3 in the winter and I didn't know they weren't open until 4. So even though I left immediately and the employee was nice and polite about it, I felt like the asshole customer who was trying to stay after closing. So just another bad emotion to throw in the mix.

So I headed back and sat in the back hallway of work on my phone off the clock since sous was already mad I was here early (for some reason- it's a busy week it's not like I'd be standing around and if I'm already here anyway who gives a shit)

And of course being at work and trying to relax is not compatible. People are talking and coworkers I don't vibe with are hanging out and getting on my nerves for just existing so I put both earbuds in to drown it all out as I scroll tumblr and that mostly works until-

I get the distinct impression that the last thing that was said was to me. I look up and it's the head chef looking at me. I take my music out and ask him to say again. He tells me "you know you can clock in and get to work right"

It was still like 15 minutes to 4. I was planning on clocking in 5 minutes to. Because the aforementioned sous being mad at me for being early. I didn't feel like explaining that and I already don't like chef and didnt want him to think i was arguing so I just agreed that yes I can get to work and did. It still grated on me and getting contradictory orders that make me feel like I can never do anything right is pretty high on my pet peeve list so even though I pushed it down it really set me off inside.

So you know. Before the apron's on I'm pissed.

Did I mention I was off work yesterday? I was off work yesterday. You know what having a day off work does to my station, my lovely neat and organized station that I do everything in my power to keep that way so I can survive my fucking job?

It makes it look like a hurricanes been through there.

If bottles aren't greasy or missing, door handles are sticky, dessert cooler is packed with mess that should be in the offline cooler, plate stacks are missing, and of course I should note we are running both a featured salad and dessert that I would consider me not having space for therefore making an extra layer of clutter I can't actually get rid of.

Oh did I mention we technically open at 3? I have to deal with tickets as I organize all this shit, and mentally I can't look at the probably poorly marked preplist before counters and line coolers have some semblance of organisation.

Theres an adage the previous chef would say, "messy station messy mind," and he was so right.

If only there was a solution. If only I had more time to get set up and get certain sauces and dressings at room temp where they can actually come out the bottle. If only there was some magical way to preserve my sanity and actually get my job done smoothly. But I guess some things are just meant to stay in the realm of impossibility.

And of course because I wasn't working yesterday and the opening was chaos, I didn't notice we were already on the backups that were panned up for beets and arugula for the featured salad. Everything is prepped, but I need it brought to station.

I tell my second as she's pulling the empty pan, "hey can you get four more of these flat bottomed [6th] pans and both types of beets please?" I even pointed at the pan. I meant for her to bring them up and I actually pan them up so I can make sure they're labeled and filled to the top and the backups are wrapped properly and everything but she takes awhile to do that (and she's not the kind to talk to every single person on her way to and back from the cooler like another second on my station) so she's probably panning them on prepline and that's fine, ok?

I didn't Specifically say to bring empty pans up to let me do it, and she's trying to do her job I'm not mad ok. As long as it gets done. Despite what the rest of this post tells you I am not so much of a control freak I cannot recognize that.

Heres the thing. She didn't pan up backups. She did one pan of each type of beet, and one was in a round bottom pan. (This matters slightly in the fact that 1. Flat bottoms hold more volume and 2. They're more stable standing upright on flat surfaces, like on a makeshift cooler made out of a hotel pan over ice that I don't know is entirely health code complient but that's not important here)

Point is it wouldn't Really matter if I didn't specifically tell her to get flat pans and I know there's flat pans back there. It also wouldn't Really matter if I didn't tell her to get 4. What did she think the other two were for? I asked here where the backups were and she was confused so I explained I wanted two of each, and she went to get those.

Do more at one time and you have to do it less often. I don't know how this is so hard to explain or understand. If there were backups already in the line cooler this wouldn't be any issue at all but here we are.

So I finished my wave of tickets and got the arugula myself. Did I mention the distant whistling the whole time? There was distant whistling throughout this entire encounter. Do I need to explain why that didn't help anything at all?

And then there's the servers who just expect me to be able to read their minds instead of what they actually type onto the tickets. "Birthday" ≠ "birthday plate" (birthday desserts get discounted, and some anniversary or birthday people get a big plate denoting the celebration written in chocolate at the top. Idk if this special treatment costs extra or what) and you would think one of the servers that have been working here longer than I have would know that by now.

I want it to be noted that mistakes are understandable but still, having to replate something in the middle of a rush because of a server's mistake has never improved my mood even once. Did the time you save by not typing those 5 letters surpass the time taken by me redoing it for you?

Im so tired. I know I'm bossy and controlling, but I do make a very conscious effort to understand that each thing here isn't something to be mad about. Everyone makes mistakes, and my standards for organization are matched by very few people. I do try so very hard to let all non essential things go, but holy fucking shit it adds up so quickly.

But you know what? There's upside at the end of all this.

I get to go immediately to bed and do it all again tomorrow.

#pire.txt #Venting about work tag #I tried to make it coherent #I very specifically checked my schedule and I'm in at 2 and not closing for the next two days #And I was the one to mark the preplist today for tomorrow so I know it was done right #god I'm so tired physically and emotionally #Remember when I was the only one trained for that station? #I was soloing a two person station all summer and I was tired but it was being done right? #Yeah #Fuck I need out #I think I need to try and get screened again for mental issues #There's no way this is just the autism not with how big the emotional response is #Either that or get back into therapy. Or both. #I get a major discount for behavioral health it's definitely easier now than when my parents tried sending me to one after my diagnosis #And the only major identifiable problems were I couldn't do my homework to save my life and also the other kids hated me #There's definitely more specifics to talk about and explore now. #I just need to fucking get on that horse I guess #I'm not doing shit now tho I need to go to bed