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#these r going to make me so mentally ill
lovesickeros · 7 months
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☆ even the gods bleed [ pt 2 ]
{☆} characters furina, neuvillette {☆} notes cult au, imposter au, multi-chapter, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings none {☆} word count 1.9k {☆} previous [ 1 ]
This had to be a punishment of some sort – some kind of divine punishment.
She was bored out of her mind just watching the sleeping body – she hadn't blinked once in the past five hours, her eyes were really starting to hurt. Yet they still hadn't moved so much as an inch since she sequestered them away to the only place she had known to be safe.
But it'd been almost a week since then.
The only solace she found was that Teyvat had seemed much less hellbent on collapsing in on itself like a dying star.
That counted for something.
Not much, but something!
..Even if their position was no better then it was a week ago.
There was, after all, still the issue of what to do about the false Creator – the actual imposter – and the Archons following them like blind lambs. The other Archons wouldn't listen if she tried to reason with them, and it would only risk the life of Divine One if she spoke of their location to anyone else.
She also was pretty fond of having her head still attached to her shoulders.
So she avoided them all together. Partially because she wasn't sure she wouldn't have a breakdown at the sight of them..she'd never been a fighter, and fighting an Archon? Easy pass.
Instead she was forced to babysit the sleeping Divine until they woke up while Neuvillette handled taking care of the nation and dealing with the other Archons – and by extension the false Creator.
Really though, she would almost think them dead if not for the subtle rise and fall of their chest.
Though..this also left her with a lot of time to herself. A lot of time to think.
She really didn't like it.
There wasn't a lot to occupy her mind and what little there was only distracted her for a scant few moments before her eyes drifted back to the Divine like she was locked in their orbit, unable to escape.
She closed the same book for the twelfth time – she kept count – and returned it to it's meticulously designed place within her bookcase. A low, barely audible huff of frustration escaped her lips before she could bite it down, her stare boring a hole into the body of the Divine One with a sharp intensity she rarely showed.
She was tired, bored and constantly on edge, fearing that at any moment someone would find out about their presence here.
That, at the drop of a hat, she would be powerless to stop the greatest tragedy of her time play out before her eyes.
Neuvillette would have scolded her for being so petulant, especially around the Divine One, if he were here.
But he wasn't.
He was out running her nation, instead.
And what was she doing? Nothing!
She grit her teeth, nails digging harshly into the palm of her hands as she took a deep breath – now was not the time to think about that. She had..much more pressing matters. Sulking and letting her thoughts spiral helped no one, least of all herself.
Yet her attention was caught by a harsh inhale, the rustle of fabric – were they finally waking up? She was exhausted, but it all vanished at the sudden drop of life within the otherwise deathly still body of the Divine.
Her eyes followed the subtle twitch of their fingers, watching as their brow furrowed and their features twisted in something almost like..pain.
..She wasn't ready.
What was she supposed to say?
Should she even say anything? Would that be considered impolite? Does she wait for them to speak first? Should she kneel? Bow?
She doesn't get much time to find her own answer before their lashes flutter, chest heaving with every strangled breath. Every single thought vanishes from her mind the moment she meets their eyes.
For a long, silent moment she thinks that her heart must have stopped.
Their eyes glow like the cresting of the sun over the horizon, painting the world in hues of gold – yet it also reminded her of the dipping of the moon below the waves, casting the briefest, most gentle of lights upon the world engulfed in darkness. In the depths of their eyes was the birth and death of stars in the infinite cosmos – glittering stars in a sea of empty, blank space that left her feeling lightheaded and breathless.
Beneath the splendor is a spark of recognition in their eyes so vibrant it was like a shooting star piercing through the dark night sky, leaving nothing but the wonder in the eyes of the observer as the only proof it ever existed – brilliant in it's beauty, however brief.
It is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen.
"Focalors?"
The lilt of their voice nearly made her knees buckle beneath her – euphoria so consuming it left her feeling she was starving swallowed her whole, her mind blanking in a moment of utter bliss. It was..an indescribable feeling that she doubted she could ever hope to put into words – not in a way that could properly express it, try as she might.
She swallowed the words that threatened to spill from her lips – she couldn't make a fool of herself. Not in front of them of all people. She'd never forgive herself.
"Divine One," She rasps, clearing her throat and covering her mouth with a hand to mask both her nervousness and the small smile that creeps across her face. She quickly regains her composure, hand resting on her hip as she puffs out her chest with every bit of pride she can manage. "I am sure you must be confused, but worry not– your most loyal acolyte has seen the truth!"
The silence is deafening.
She opens one eye, peaking at the bewildered and almost distraught expression of the Divine.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
That..she was not prepared for. Surely they knew who they were! Surely they knew. They had to– she's been praying to them for as long as she's breathed, she's dedicated every hour of her life to living up to their ideals, they can't just–!
"Lady Furina?"
Neuvillette, thankfully, spares her the embarrassment of having a meltdown in front of the Divine, the gentle rap of his knuckles against the door making her and the Divine pause, the soft lull of his voice soothing her nerves and yet setting her on edge at the same time.
"Neuvillette." She clears her throat again, her steps hurried as she marches to the door and pries it open none too gently, a forced smile pulling at her lips. She wastes no time tugging the man into the room, shutting the door behind him with a short huff. The silence is, somehow, even worse then before as the three of them stare at each other in absolute exasperation.
Neuvillette, for his part, manages to get his act together with a sharp clearing of his throat, bowing so low even she looks unnerved. She steals a brief glance at the Divine, and she's taken aback by the uncomfortability twisting their features into a grimace.
Their expression is schooled back into one of empty apathy when he stands back to his full height, but she saw it – she knows she did! Did they not like their worship? Were they not respectful enough? For a moment, she feared the Divine would smite Neuvillette down on the spot..but they just stared at him like he was a ghost.
"Why aren't you killing me?"
The defeated, resigned tone combined with the way their voice cracks makes her heart ache in her chest – it feels as though her entire world is crumbling down at her feet, and she cannot explain why she feels such emotions so strongly, but it is suffocating. It is almost as if Teyvat itself is weeping, bearing down upon her shoulders like a heavy weight.
She feels the urge to weep herself, but she powers through, gritting her teeth long enough for Neuvillette to take his place at the side of her – though it feels more like their – bed, kneeling like he was going to pray.
"Divine One," He offers a hand with a quiet rumble of his voice, the words slipping off his tongue like honey. It's like trying to soothe a stray cat..though she'd never voice such comparisons of the most Divine out loud. "I..we mean you no harm. I swear on my authority as the Iudex of Fontaine and Chief Justice that you are safe with us."
The skepticism she expected, but the reverence in which Neuvillette must convince them – or perhaps they are simply so tired that they simply did not care any longer if it was all some ploy to drive a knife between their ribs. She didn't expect them to actually place their hand in Neuvillette's.
He didn't either, judging by the way he visibly brightened – not that they'd notice, but she did.
..Not that she could really blame him, her heels clicking against the floorboards as she shifted her weight to the other foot with a nervous energy that was practically bursting at the seams, more then a little jealous of the attention he was receiving. She was the one who found them, she was the one who stayed with them the entire time..but he gets all the attention?
How unfair.
"O-of course! We would never lay a hand on our creator," She adds, her voice a little higher pitched then she would have liked as she placed her hands on her hips, puffing out her chest and brushing off the sting of jealousy. "Least of all I– your most loyal, most devout acolyte!"
She felt baffled when she heard the sound of their laughter, her shoulders hunching and her cheeks flushing on mere instinct – she was expecting mockery, but the look in their eyes, still dulled by a pain she cannot even begin to imagine, made her hesitate.
..It was, perhaps, the most genuine thing she'd heard from them ever since before the hunt began.
She wasn't sure why her heart hurt at such an idea, but it was enthralling to see the beginnings of a half hearted smile on their lips.
For a moment, her mask of theatrics was forgotten as she stared at them in a mixture of awe and adoration– and though she didn't look at Neuvillette, she could imagine he must've shared such an expression.
Had she any doubts that they were her Creator, that they alone were the most Divine..they would wiped clean now. There was no mistaking the way the world itself seemed to grow clearer as they glanced up at her like she was worth something.
For a moment, she realized how cold the false Creators gaze had been now that she has felt warmth so gentle it almost made her knees buckle beneath her. It felt like a pale imitation, now.
Nothing could compare to the warmth that spread through her body at the mere semblance of a smile upon their lips. She didn't even mind if it was her they were laughing at anymore, she just wanted to hear them laugh again.
She'd make a fool of herself, if she had to.
She'd never felt so..ravenous for such a thing, but just the briefest glimpse was addictive.
She simply couldn't help herself from striding across the room and clasping their free hand in her own, her smile wide enough to unnerve as she leaned her weight onto the bed. For a moment, she considered pulling away at the way they startled, but her mind was made up by then – there was no going back.
"Again."
#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#fic tag#neuvillette#focalors#furina#dont ask what happened here idk#this was. also supposed 2 be neuvi focused and then i.#dont talk 2 me abt focalors i wont ever shut up#got a 300k word essay on hand abt how i feel abt her character/how i interpret her personality and her story#focalors jsut like me fr fr (cries at the slightest inconvenience or the slightest mean comment)#shes so pathetic girlfail im gonna chew on her#what happens when reader gets stuck with two emotionally repressed french bastards?? hell#neuvi is the “emotionless” flavor of emotionally repressed in that hes HORRIBLE at showing emotions at all#ask him to smile and its incredibly unnerving and theres too many teeth but hes trying his best please call him pretty or he will cry :(#furina is the flavor of emotionally repressed where she makes it up by having Too Many emotions#using theatrics and masks to show everyone what they want to see but inside this girl is a MESS#constant anxiety and panic 24/7#will do random shit and look at you and if u dont compliment her she will think u hate her and cry#compliment her and she'll do even stupider shit to try and impress you more#i love my scrunkly little babies they r so stupid and mentally ill someone get these bitches some THERAPY#i want 2 put them under a microscope#watch this be ooc fr furina when more of her lore drops if shes not girlfail im leaving#anyway see u in a week im going on a trip ill get back 2 u in 6-7 business days
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lil-vibes · 7 months
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need me a fem! skk ballet and/or figure skater au so bad yall dont understand
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batz · 5 months
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silenthillbunni · 2 months
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🧸🧃⛈️
#so like late last night i started to get rlly panicky nd upset#bc it's v much looking like im gnna fail my english class. i need to be done next wednesday which means i need to work rlly hard#nd go to school extra to have a presentation nd do tests etc etc#nd im still in pain after surgery nd im rlly depressed bc of my physical health so i just dont think i can be strong nd make it this time#in my almost breakdown i wrote a self referral to the clinic/psych department for personality disorders....#it usually takes them around 2 days to answer you but this time at like 8am they sent me a message AND called me#(i think. im not certain it's them bc i havent checked the voice message or the reply lmaooo. but it should be them)#the thing abt having avpd is now im immediately stressed af nd i regret sending it. i donr wanna check their reply#also it might be bc i wrote a lot abt killing myseld etc etc nd now im worried theyre gnna be like girlie get checked in!!!! lol T-T#i just needed to be very clear nd act frsutrted nd desperate bc i have never gotten treatment in 10yrs nd im TIRED!!!!#my initial reaction is to avoid at all costs nd just pull my covers above my head nd pretend like i dont have to check their reply lol#i dont wannaaaaaa. i take it back i dont want help!!! its fine i dont wanna try or work hard let me rot#why did i do this!!!!! fml. anyway... i'll check later today bc since its early i can still use the excuse of sleepinf thru the days#many ppl working w mentally ill ppl understand that it's normal actually to switch the day around nd sleep during the days sksksk#but also i have no idea how many typos r in here bc im not wearing my glasses whoopsie#yeah.. anyway im gonna try to go back to sleep nd not think abt it#hopefully it wasnt even them calling 🤡 i know i HAVE to check later but not now i can take a few hours#then today i need to figure out if im gnna make one last attempt w my eng class or give up idk what to do
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craycraybluejay · 6 months
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Me if I ever get a really bad psychotic episode and think my friend is a hulking scary monster so hit them with a chair: whoops, had a psychotic aggression moment after being psychotic this past month. Might want to find a better way to keep myself and other ppl safe in case it happens again
Some people: no!111!!1!! That's just regular aggression!!!1!1 stop talking bad about psychotics!!1!!!!! It was ur fully lucid and self aware choice to hit ur friend with a chair!!1!!!! Literally there's no such thing as psychotic aggression1!!!!1! Kys op!!
#narcissistic abuse#discourse#mental illness#actually psychotic#actually schizospec#literally yes mental disorders can drive u to do bad or stupid things. why do you think people seek help for them.#because theyre sad sometimes?#even low grade depression or anxiety can make you suicidal. and being suicidal can make you careless and stupid bc u stop caring ab shit#so like. maybe stop pretending mental disorders cant drive u to harm ppl and start addressing how to stay safe#and make sure others r safe around u#me if i say i got mad jealous bc of adhd related rsd and was mean about it bc adhd related impulsivity#people: OH NO UR SAYING THAT ADHD MAKES PPL ASSHOLES GO DIE RN#literally. go away. mental illness is an illness and not a quirk. bad shit happens. people do bad shit to themselves and others driven by#disordered behaviour and thought patterns#and you know what helps prevent this? talking about it honestly and spreading awareness so we can all get the kind of help and coping skills#that we need. so those who need meds or therapy can. so ppl can realize#'hey i felt super offended over this thing someone did that wasnt about me and hurt them! thats a pattern for me!'#'maybe i should talk about it with a therapist that specializes in stuff like that or try to use calming coping methods-#to calm myself down when i get really angry and see if it's worth hurting someone over!'#please take a moment to reflect#who are you helping by denying the disordered nature of mental illness
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flovverworks · 26 days
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after a billion yrs i added a lil line about my gbf verse.....<3 one day i might flesh it out to something in-universe, but since gbf is so "oh ure from another world? ya that happens..." i....am gonna keep w that..........(also cuz i do think discussing the different ways of magic, moon-enemy & this n that is more fun like this
#stardust speaking !#i do wanna write but im unsure when ill do so#anyway i need to talk abut that one 1.5 moment with that weird car horn sfx after murrs fancy speech cuz i#was thinking about it again due to one of the descriptions in the alterego event#i still didnt check the website btw is it available info why snows adult and whites a kid or is that a waiting game cuz#that.....#sometimes when i think abuot paradoxroid i think about them. that one was fkd up#snow&white r so fascinating to me#snow & white & figaro & oz are even more fascinating#oz who only started learning abut the world because arthur asked things about the world.................#oz who made arthur pancakes.................................#they make me ill. figaro feels like he should be the most welladapted cuz in some ways he IS. guy who lies about his power and age and love#humans and that one offhand line in 2nd anni about how he has cared for kids!??!? dude i need to reread 2nd anni did that ever get brought#up again#but figaro & love is................guy who leaves when he thinks he isnt loved anymore#<-guy who was taught by snow&white who valued e/o the most#2nd anni makes me lose my mind. figaro and fausts convo. both who felt like it was the other who left LIKE FIGAROS SURPRISE WAS UNREEEAAALL#somethings deeply wrong with him i am so intrigued#i need to go reread his pt2 parts like what the actual hell dude#the mental gymnastics he does in one part is ? id like to study u and the twins under a microscope#this is all shallowly/casually speaking about it btw theres a lot of things left&right about all of these topics that makes them very yummy#i think what gets me the most about pt2 is that a lot of it is things that we alrdy knew regarding characters feelings etc. such as figaro#but seeing them say it themself makes me faint#OH MY GOOODDDDDD THE FLASHBACK CONVO WITH OZ AND FIGARO? ABOUT WOULD U SAVE THE PERSON U LOVE OR THE WORLD#AND HOW FIGARO ENDS UP FALTERING DEAR LOOOOORRRDDDDDDDDDDDDD#fucked up family (affectionate)#i need to think of modern aus again i thought about arthur calling snow & white granpa for one second and everything hrut#ok im sorry i dont know what possessed me. i promise ill be rereading stuff soon#one more thing. fausts part in pt2. god. but in this cursed world the sage trusted me...
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boyghcst · 2 months
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strwbrymlkshake · 1 year
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Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(
#mine#oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times#but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry#like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie#im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc#i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me#thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related#anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that#ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired#// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always#because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life#like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing#me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little#so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die#every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt.#well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he#is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him#every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again#but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh#i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT#I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time#like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me#he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do#he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away
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nomaishuttle · 6 months
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its quite scary i Can quite vividly imagine a version of me where i self-identified as a y*ndere. i think there was some point in my history where one small thing happened or didnt happen that resulted in this timeline where im Normal. idk what the small thing was but im so grateful for it bc i can truly imagine myself doing that and it wouldve been horrific.
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orcelito · 8 months
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Coworker also reassured me about the tattoo idea I've had not being that cliche
I still feel like it's pretty cliche. But. Also...
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lovesickeros · 1 year
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im pretty adamant on being a genshin only blog atm bc this game has me in a death grip and won't let go for anything but at the same time.....path to nowhere..
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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...
#ok. so the guy from school i visited emailed me today like: good news! we unanimously voted to extend u an offer here#so expect the formal offer in the next week. and im like uuuugh i wanna say yes so bad#bc in the us i would have more flexibility in the program than i would in the uk#and my options in the us r either to b a big fish in a small pond at this schoolor a little fish in a big pond at the other#bc this school is underfunded and a bit isolated out in the mountains but the staff r pretty great and big egos dont seem like a big issue#but if i go to the other school its like a big well funded school. the application was like 75 dollars. fuck u and really annoying#and i mean id have to live in new jersey. so in the city with city driving and prob a more high pressure school environment#and more of a chance of dealing with big egos. but like career wise im sure it would b good. assuming i don't mentally collapse#but i mean that doesnt seem as fun as spending 5 years out in the rocky mountains#like thry have fucking moose and bears! there were deer and turkeys in town!#and my dad just sent me a video of all the spring peepers singing back home and im like 😭 bc froggies and he was like i bet u could find#frogs out in [redacted city] and im like 😭 ur right. it just seems like the better choice for my poor overtaxed brain and the project is#so cool too. i want to get the cyano species as my computer background asap. and the guy is nice and apparently super supportive#and i could probably walk to hiking trails. god. i mean i have to say yes to that. i wanna say yes so bad. send me the formal offer bro#ill fucking take it before i even hear back from the other schools lol. ugh. i hate making choices#oof i am so excited to kno where im going and plan my departure. its gonna b such a pain moving tho i pray that my mum or dad can drive#with me bc otherwise the 20hr drive by myself might kill me. thats almost as bad as my initial move out here lol. the us is so big#ugh. again choices. is this the right choice? probably one of the biggest decisions of my life. the project feels so right. cyanobacteria#my algal group of choice. and hot springs. how tf do u say to no to that? i mean. id b doing that in new jersey too but with red algae#ugh. put me out of this misery lol. also as an aside. shout out to my fucking disaster brain for not being able to focus on a single thing#my boss in a meeting: so glad to have students and staff so excited to b working on this project!! me: lady i hate that im on this project#bc im just sitting in until they can get an actual student. i just do what im told but appreciate the enthusiasm lol#ay. im so tired. i wanna see the snow and mountains. and fix my head. and get outta the desert. and listen to frogs 🐸 😌#unrelated
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volfoss · 1 year
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hi sorry im like. so so mad about media so im putting this silly rant abt the witcher under the cut <3 spoilers for ummm the books or smth but i dont think my mutuals are into this so 👍
So i just hit Blood of Elves (the 3rd book) and met Triss. so not only did she literally SA/take advantage of geralt (as is the fucking pattern in these books w women towards him and the author and the plot treating any time geralt gets in this position as haha funny so many hot women want him :/) but she is um. absolutely fucking horrible. it is so confusing to me how so many fans love her (because even if you've only played the 3rd game, she LITERALLY point blank jokes with him about how people will no longer take advantage of him since he no longer has memory issues, and when he asks who was taking advantage of him, she was just like me :3. like its never elaborated on its just a fucking joke because we <3 feminism in this series!!) but if you've read the books it just becomes more clear how shes treating him. its a really disgusting pattern of behavior where most of his lovers either treat him like a freak and a mutant (which is sure soooo funny when hes treated like that by normal citizens) or just like a sexual object for them to use, with no regards to his consent. and by god triss has embodied both of those so so badly, where shes just nonstop either lusting after him (when he shows literally NO interest in her at this point lmao) or just treating him like shit. shes constantly guilt tripping him about ciri which is so fucking frustrating bc all the stuff shes bringing up under the guise of haha epic feminism moment is handled SO badly. she basically forces femininity on ciri who is like. barely 12 or 13 by this point (if my math is right) and who literally asks if triss will turn her into a boy and who is more than happy with dressing in male clothes. but triss finds this an absolute travesty that ciri literally has a diy haircut (or one of the men did it for her bc its mega crooked) and takes it into her own hands to turn her into a super pretty polished girl like. adjacent to beauty pageants but fantasy medieval. it is um. incredibly frustrating to see all of this and how triss consistently tells geralt his parenting sucks and that ciri shouldnt be with him (despite the fact ciri only feels safe around him and he does a rly good job parenting in his own way. like its not traditional bc he IS a cringefail adoptive single dad but its also like it doesnt need to be and he cares about her safety so much but wtv) and that he just overall sucks as a person. but we r supposed to root for the two of them to get together as in most of the games, she's the primary/most fleshed out romance option. and its like i do NOT expect ppl just playing the games or watching the netflix series to read the books but its also like she is genuinely really bad to him a lot, just talking down to him and it is actually um. very interesting bc geralt as a character is very emotionless a lot of the time (some of this is due to him being a witcher but some of it is just his personality or the trauma hes endured) but the increase of him just being upset or silent and resigned has increased tenfold in just the first 100 pages of this book. its so so frustrating to see esp after seeing how bad yennefer was treated, i really hoped triss would be better. but in every single way she's been worse.
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vzajemnik · 9 months
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looking at pics of myself from a year ago makes me so sad lol
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chrisbangs · 2 years
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🐺🖤🌊
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theygender · 2 years
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I'm doing it. I'm gonna get a fucking hysterectomy
#its something ive talked about half jokingly for years bc the idea of ever being pregnant or giving birth makes me INCREDIBLY dysphoric#so it seems completely fucking pointless to have to go through so much pain and sickness every month for absolutely no reason#this past month where i couldnt get my medication already had me seriously thinking about it tho#bc even if im managing my endometriosis okay with BC i dont want to have to worry about going through hell if i cant fill my prescription#i was looking into the side effects and etc bc i was thinking about asking my doctor about it next time i went in#and the only thing that had me concerned was that a full hysterectomy or oophorectomy sends you into menopause which seems like itd suck#(but smaller surgeries like tube ligations dont actually stop you from having periods)#BUT i was complaining about this at work and one of my coworkers told me she had a hysterectomy for endometriosis#and her doctor gave her a partial hysterectomy so it stops periods and prevents pregnancy but doesnt send you into menopause#and that sounds fucking GREAT honestly so i wanted to ask my doctor about it even more#but now that roe v wade has been overturned? the deal is sealed im getting this hell machine out of me one way or another#im hoping that my doctor will be understanding as a woman herself but if not my coworker said she'll give me her doctors info#and if THAT doesnt work. i just checked out r/childfree and theyve got a list of doctors in my area who are willing to help#i dont want to keep suffering through chronic illness symptoms every month for absolutely no reason#i dont want to run the risk of getting pregnant and having to live through my worst nightmare as someone with dysphoria#AND like my gf just pointed out to me. ive got other health issues that im trying to get sorted out#im chronically underweight and i either have pots or some kind of hypertension. plus a low immune system and etc etc etc#being forced to carry a pregnancy could fucking kill me for all i know. AND i would have to go off of a lot of my meds??#all this thing does is cause me chronic pain and put my already precarious physical and mental health at risk#im GETTING it fucking taken out#rambling#ive got an appointment with my therapist on tuesday and i think im gonna ask about getting an official diagnosis of gender dysphoria#and im already in the process of getting tested for pots with my primary care doctor#so hopefully those diagnoses combined with my endometriosis will help speed it along... 🙏
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