#these all affected me psychologically

[l0ve-sicc]

#these all affected me psychologically #I LOVE QUEER MEDIA!!! #nimona #the owl house #kipo and the age of wonderbeasts #steven universe #the hollow #dead end paranormal park #adventure time #gravity falls

[vaguely-concerned]

Thinking about the symbolic weight of smoking in the TLT universe that comes to the fore in The Unwanted Guest -- the way it moves through from person to person: Pyrrha smoked, and Augustine wanted to impress her in all her stone cold fox MILF James Bond glory (and tbf who wouldn't) so he started too. and even though as far as he knows she's been gone for a myriad and is never coming back, he keeps the habit. Ianthe sees something in the hollowed-out Faberge eggshell of Augustine that resonates with her, all that gilded eloquent emptiness and disdain through the ages, so she picked it up from him to try to emulate it. She picked it up so hard that Palamedes -- the exact spiritual antithesis of the 'smoking! on a space station! what a powermove' ennui Ianthe so admired -- spontaneously unnerded enough to even known how to, simply from a sort of contact contamination of the soul.

G1deon and Augustine sharing a jittery smoke after their near-Harrow experience during soup night, and it's the closest thing to any real sense of brotherhood that remains between them. Pyrrha going ten thousand years dying both literally and for a smoke (and then Camilla sold her fucking cigarettes (for a third of what they were worth, probably Pyrrha's own good, and also more importantly grocery money). what an entirely haunted time to be alive etc.). Augustine and Mercy trading a cigarette back and forth in the middle of their collusion over the love and murder of god.

An act of small and measured self-destruction in the name of something a little bit like connection when you're stuck somewhere in yourself where love itself dares not or cannot tread (ritualized, transmissible)..........

#the unwanted guest #the unwanted guest spoilers #the locked tomb #ianthe tridentarius #augustine the first #pyrrha dve #palamedes sextus #this series is going to make me lose my mind completely one day (affectionate) #the locked tomb meta #the fact that ianthe seems to have had some genuine admiration for augustine makes my head spin. of course though. #of course she sees the person who looks the most like he's successfully made himself impervious to the world #utterly untouchable and impossible to hurt because he isn't even really there #and she believes it! even after seeing the john mercy augustine mess at the end! because it's such a seductive idea #when you've stuck yourself in an inevitable ocean of pain to think you could make yourself numb enough that it doesn't matter #it's the emotional equivalent of 'oh there's water all around? well I just won't breathe in then. easy lmao get on my level' #she holds on to that thing from him even when it's been proved to be both impossible and ultimately untrue even in him #because uh. oh I'm about to be kind of sad for ianthe what the fuck is going on. he might actually have been the closest thing #to parental and especially paternal affection she's ever known. certainly known enough to try to model herself after #IMAGINE how fucked up the nine houses must be when augustine the first registers for anyone as a model of psychological survival #ianthe do you really want to be yourself completely so much that you're willing to be nothing. I mean yeah probably but. oh my god #gaining nothing at the cost of everything

[minorfamilysupremacy]

disabled vegas is the most important vegas to me.

#i don't feel like elaborating in detail right now #but i feel that so much of the crunchiness of post-canon vegas is not just in the overt psychological ramifications #(losing his dad losing his position having an uncertain future) #but also in the reality of navigating life as someone who was once in peak physical condition #and now is no longer capable of doing almost anything that was second nature before #emotionally mentally physically all of this would drastically alter who he is as a person #i do wish the show had treated injuries with more care bc of this #(like pete's hand scar. how does that affect his grip strength or his capabilities in the field) #it's one of the most fascinating aspects to me and i love when people indulge in that side of the characterization

[furiousgoldfish]

Being betrayed by your first ever bond in your childhood (be it parents, caretakers, friends, peers or relationship) puts you in a horrible psychological position, because after experiencing that, your instincts, and your learned experience will constantly clash with each other.

As humans, our instincts and desires are to bond with each other in order to be safe, connected, feel valuable, worthy, loved, taken care of. We generally feel better in a group of people we trust to do us no harm, who keep us company, fulfill our social needs, and will readily aid us in the times of trouble. This, historically, was the safest and the best way for our species to survive, we rely on each other to keep resources available, and to take care of our needs.

However, if your first experience with close bonds came with trauma, exploitation, abuse, betrayal, pain, danger, or something as extreme as being pushed into a suicidal state or close to death, your learned experience is now that bonding with others is highly dangerous, painful, terrifying and extremely risky activity. After this, your brain will keep reminding you during any kind of bonding, that you’re taking a huge risk, and will keep triggering you to the past events and how badly they damaged you, in order to keep you well aware of what could happen if you make yourself vulnerable like this again.

And so you end up in a constant conflict with your own needs and learned experience. You will still long for closeness, maybe even more than a regular person because your social needs have never been fulfilled even slightly, you’re drowning in yearning for something as simple as conversation and approval, being seen as worthy and valuable, the very basics of human connection. But you’re stopped, at your every step, by your learned experience of how risky, terrifying, and potentially deadly would it be, to actually be close to another human being.

And abuse then just builds up more burden on top of that foundation. It’s not enough you have to constantly struggle with avoiding people and wanting to be close, no, you’re also feeling guilty and ashamed, for being betrayed and abused, for how society sees you after that, for feeling the desire for intimacy, for longing to be close even though it hurt you. Abuse will also teach you that it’s your fault you got abused in the first place, so now you feel like external circumstances are internal, and it was something you did in a context of a close relationship that caused you this pain. So instead of avoiding close relationships, you reach for them and them over-focus on your own faults within, trying to locate what in your behaviour is causing others to hurt you so badly. You automatically take responsibility for everything that happens within a close bond, so you take responsibility for the abuser’s actions too, and become unable to view them critically, to condemn them, to put the blame on them for it.

Society will almost always point at you as the problem - diagnose you with ‘trust issues’, or ‘victim mentality’, and will tell you to forgive and open yourself up to love again, (or even worse, claim that you already are loved, but apparently you don’t feel it in any way), causing you to again, keep finding the faults within yourself, and never look for them externally.

Having your instincts tell you that something is dangerous and risky, after you’ve been betrayed horribly and put in an awful state by it in the past, is not ‘having trust issues’. Your ‘mentality’ cannot make anyone abuse you. Love is not something that does absolutely nothing for you and fails to protect you from pain at any point in your life. If you had to fight for yourself alone, unprotected, vulnerable and devastated, and nobody ever stood up for you or helped you, then you can correctly conclude that you were not loved. Love would stand up for you.

None of these are claims you should be forced to defend yourself from, yet this is where the conversation goes, to over-focusing on whatever the victim could have done wrong, and never placing any blame to external circumstances (such as, abusers having access to children). There’s a reason why we, as a society, know not do to fucked up things to children. There’s a reason why it’s different when it’s a child, to when it’s an adult. An adult who has managed to secure enough close bonds with others, will not be crushed by just one betrayal. A child, who is dependent on keeping a bond to survive, who has not yet learned the safe way to develop closeness with others, who is open to any bond they could possibly form, in hope of safer survival, will psychologically be turned against their own instincts, and grow to fight with themselves, and struggle to develop safe bonds, for most or all of their life.

#child abuse #safe bonding #abusive parents #psychological abuse #how betrayal in childhood affects development #abusive relationships #toxic relationships #child abuse setting up children to enter and stay in toxic relationships #toxic #toxic guilt #i feel like i managed to peel off all of the layers of shame guilt and self blamee #and now i'm left just with instincts vs learned experience #instincts want to bond and experience says it's going to kill me if i do

[my-current-obsession]

My hyper-specific type when it comes to otome guys:

- Absolutely pathetic - Cannot speak to a girl normally to save his life - Tries to be calm/aloof, but turns tsundere when flustered enough - A good and pure man at heart, yet does some questionable things - ...Little Red Riding Hood???

#heart fragment #taisho x alice #otome #doofenshmirtz voice: if i had a nickel for every time i fell in love with a video game guy heavily associated to little red riding hood... #..i'd have two nickels. which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice! #i made this post basically as a way to announce i played heart fragment recently. and uh. it's REALLY GOOD #i probably do love clive the most (and i was immediately interested/biased considering his similarities to Red) but... #the rest of the cast is great too! I ADORE shannon and i am beyond ready to figure out what jasper's deal is #and honestly i'm into the mystery and the strained family relationship aspects too. just great writing all around even beyond the romances #this is one of Those Games that messes with you and the more you play it the more it sneaks new creepy stuff in #whatever the hell is going on with inigo in the dreams is unsettling. and i love it. #but seriously i'd recommend this to any otome fan and ESPECIALLY taiali fans considering the similarities go far beyond just this #you like fairy tales? you like exploring psychological issues and trauma? this is the game for you #also you can date guys AND girls which is a rare treat! again - i LOVE shannon. i just... love clive even more #but to be fair i think the hangup is that no matter what you're very close and friendly with shannon #so even if you don't romance her you still have a great relationship with her regardless #meanwhile with clive he's starting as a stranger and you basically have to be a jerk to him or blow him off which hurts my heart #and also clive seems to fall kind of fast and hard for you so the relationship developing in a romantic direction just feels. right IMO #i can accept being just besties with shannon (even though I definitely still love her romance outcomes) #but it pains me to spurn clive's affections #on an unrelated note i do intend to post my thoughts (basically a review) of winter's wish: spirits of edo #but i want to finish getting the sorrow endings for CGs and lore which means a second run through several routes

[k-drama-trash]

I think I got this far so I could break down like this

#anna 2022 #anna kdrama #suzy #bae suzy #안나 #anna coupang #this one hit so deep #do you think choi ji hoon even had one bit of affection for her #feels like she is finally free #so much emotions i cant even #the heaviest drama i watched this year up till now #a true psychological thriller indeed #the best scene out of it all for me #kdrama #kdramatrashgifs

[eternallovers65]

Apologizing in advance because I WILL be the most insufferable person in the world when succession s4 drops

#im so ready for all the greek tragedy/roy family parallels/analogies posts #the kendall girlies dropping out psychological posts harvard worth it on why their poor meow meow deserves the world #the shiv enjoyers all posting the same paintsuit pic that makes her body looks amazing #the roman and geri believers making gifs over the almost none eye contact they had in a scene #and dont even get me started on tom greg connoisseurs making yet another nero and sporus analysis and how this will affect them forever #ofc i cant forget about the logan haters aka everyone hoping he drops dead every time he appears on the screen (as we should!) #oh oh the connorheads who just like their fav character are easily forgotten (i have faith we will see more about connor this is the season #tag yourself which one are you???? #succession hbo #succession season 4 #kendal roy #shiv roy #roman roy #connor roy #logan roy #tom wambsgans #greg hirsch

[lonesomedotmp3]

i thought I put the whole I'm fundamentally a bad person behind me to be honest I've always thought of myself as decently morally upright I was just wrong which is different. I'm like et or whatever I don't get human norms and I'm a bit of a peculiar little freak but I mean no harm... that shame is sooooo different from the shame of feeling like a bad person. and I have thought of myself as bad for specific actions on certain occasions but not like this. I don't like to think that my very mannerisms and tone and expressions are like. inherently mean and bad. but now I feel the alien from alien. or nathan lane's sewer boys. basically I need to be put down.

#see THIS is when I could've done with a little weekly therapy. not in summer when I was doing fuck all #perhaps 2023 being the worst year of my life is more than just a fun quirky thing I can say sometimes #and if actually deeply psychologically affected me in the longterm... sad! well there's other years.

[fagmegumi]

Conversion therapy? In MY emdr with a clueless cis woman ? Its more likely than you think

#this👌🏻close to dropping my therapist forever I swear #i was telling her how my parents have acted my whole life like my body belongs to them and chose all my haircuts and clothes until age 14 #and still act like its a fucking national tragedy every time i change my hair or get a tattoo or something #and how ive had a terror and disgust at the idea of pregnancy since childhood so much so that i used to have nightmares about it at like 5 #and shes like well i need you to carefully consider if your desire to ‘change your body’ and ‘masculinize it’ is truly YOUR desire or if #you just want to make gestures to rebel and reclaim your possession of your body🥺 #like wow youre so smart did you perchance read freud? I never considered the idea that events that have occurred to me might have affected #my identity behaviors and desires! #and like of course theres overlap of course these things are related. but even if its that way even if worst case scenario we do a Psyche #Deep Dive and find out that i was redacted as a kid or whatever. WHAT would that even change about me now!!! #WHY shouldn’t i be able to do things that would materially improve my life by giving me a measure of psychological peace even if i might #not want those things in a hypothetical alternate reality where nothing happened to me . why do i have to be sane and normal in order to #make decisions about my body and my life. #god. we struggling girlies🤪

[todaviia]

.

#existential crisis warning #first me and [redacted] made out for like an hour #and I marvelled at the fact how NICE it was #and nice here means I enjoyed it but in a quantifiable way while being 100% sure that it's a painlessly casual thing now #(and kill me for saying this but my ex is objectively a better kisser) #and then we went to a lecture about trauma and psychological first aid together #which was held at a synagogue by a very experienced mental health provider who is also very religious #and it was SO crazy because like... In Germany growing up with relatives who survived the Nazis is very much a minority experience #and here it's just like... he talks about growing up with severely traumatised Holocaust survivors #and everyone is just nodding along like yeah yeah don't we all know it #and then he talked about the everyday trauma of the war and how it affects ppl and it really is a million small things #and I love Israel so much for this #Like I don't think it's a stable foundation for anything - it's the opposite #But it's such a damn relief that everyone just Gets It #There is something so REAL about here #and when we were in the cab [redacted] immediately bonded with the cab driver #who proudly showed off pics on his phone of his son with nine children (while driving bc Israel) #and then he asked [redacted] if we're married and when he said no he asked - completely seriously and casually- #'oh when's the wedding then?' #and it's weird because I almost got married to my ex #and it's all... so incredibly simple #you have one small life and that is all that you have #And all the worst things that can happen on earth and all the best things can fit into it without even bending a little bit

[brandwhorestarscream]

In a dramatic twist of fate I think I write more about Megatron than Starscream

#its cuz i love Starscream so much i wanna wrap him in a blankie and give him snacks and never let anything bad happen to him #but im also primarily an angst writer that really enjoys psychological horror #so it falls to Megatron to get smacked up like a 50s housewife in my fics #he's just so easy to torment hes got a tragic backstory and flew off the handle he's literally perfect angst material #anyway i love them both but in very different ways #starscream gets all my gentle love and affection cuz he means the world to me #Megatron gets absolutely pile drived because he's the ideal candidate

[tentacletournament]

This is very off topic but- i thought you would appreciate the fact that i'm going to write about the classic to geno to error timeline in my philosophy essay.

IM SCREAMING THEIR TIMELINE IS MY EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN OBSESSED FOREVER AND EVER IF YOU DONT GET FULL MARKS ILL DIE

#if you ever feel like sending it you know where to find me #no bc im obsessed with the entire timeline of basically decay and tie in lore of the entire thing #the concept of not only the affects of trauma and isolation but also the changing of situation and environment having that big of an impac #is so fun to analyse #the impact of knowledge on this guy and how this relates to the entire concept of timelines is such a good psychological stufy #on top of the environment changes that sans goes through theres also the entire thing with all the relationships in his life #starting with gaster that is clearly a large affect on the sci to classic time until eventually the genocide route changes him again but #more drastic because of his new position stuck in save forever until eventually the void #and then you apply the little typology pseudoscience to his personality and way of thinking throughout this #and then apply the whole multiversal war lore to how he reacts and responds to the creation of aus #and then you consider all the fandom relationships between the sanses and how they react to one another specifically between the main #timeline and aus because of how different their lives weny #AND THEN ADD ON THAT SANS IS HOT??? #ive been obsessed for 8 years sorry for the tag essay #also sans is just funny #sci is my personal favourite because of everything listed above like he hasnt even experienced all of that #but in some interpretations you assume that he DOES know all that happens and he still goes on?? #also cpau is my yearly christmas ritual best personification of sci not in terms of anything important but like just how he acts and talks #bhc did blue best thats irrelevant but i need everyone to know about it #not a poll #mars talks #mars is talking a LOT

[sorrowfulwill]

trying to make a balance between horror and comedy is hard especially artstyle-wise Atleast for me.

Like do I give it my cartoony artstyle or give it my junji ito inspired art style. Should I balance that too? How would I? HELP ME IM GOING CRAZY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

#reverse falls #I CANT ANYMORE #this is going to affect me later in life #and what symbolism do I use #should it be bloody or more psychological #should it be something for others to decipher #and the ask blog thing too I want to make that something fun #but how am I going to do that with horror #do I just drop all the horror elements for the ask blog then go back to making it scary #or do I add a bit of horror to it #what

[tiercel]

Prev my god the amount of times i have seen people completely misconstrue what intrusive thoughts are or demonizing people based on thoughts that literally cannot be stopped or controlled in any way

#Nothing makes me more upset than people acting like you can just Stop Thinking about upsetting intrusive thoughts #Or make someone out to be a villain for uncontrollable ideas that even sicken the affected person. #Everyone is all about supporting people with mental illness until the symptoms arent fixed by drinking water or reblogging affirmations lol #Like woahh psychological illness can be debilitating and uncomfortable and life affecting??? 🤯🤯🤯 #Or not realizing you can worsen someone's illness if you arent actually educated in how it affects their brain and line of thought #Just uuugh everyone is all about supporting mental problems until it's something they find uncomfortable or weird #Same people who go 'i cant help what i hyperfixate on' and then turn around and shame someone w intrusive thoughts #emf

[the-busy-ghost]

Am re-reading Hogg's Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner and I know it's not a new or original thought but it's just striking to me again how young George (younger) and his brother Robert must have been during the tennis match and Black Bull mob scenes.

If the 'famous session' refers to the 1703 session of parliament (or even if it refers to the previous year's sitting which Queensberry also oversaw), and if old Dalcastle married in 1687 (or later), then at most George could have been 16 and his brother 15, and it's probable that both boys are younger.

I don't remember too many of the details from the first time I read this book so will have to finish it before I make any further judgement. However I don't think it detracts from Robert's culpability or nastiness in any way to take into account his probable age in the earlier portion of the narrative. I think makes for a more interesting reading when forcibly reminded that he's a young teenager. Even taking into account different social mores and expectations placed on children in both the period in which the novel is set, and the early 19th century when it was written, it seems to me that that's an element that will still have particular significance for readers in the 21st century, regardless of one's personal experience with extreme forms of Presbyterianism.

#I mean it's probably been said before I haven't read much analysis of the novel in a while- or at least not of the psychology aspect #But I do feel that the image you first get in your head is that Robert is at least in his late teens and early 20s #at the time of the tennis match nonsense- I.e. a grown up demonic genius albeit with a chip on his shoulder #I'd say he's probably about 14? #Idk if anybody else remembers being 14 but oh boy does that make sense #I mean he's still a very unpleasant teenage boy don't get me wrong but nonetheless #In our day and age even grown adults are regularly affected by all kinds of brainrot and conspiracy theory stuff #We live in the internet age but I'm not entirely sure that there aren't comparisons to be drawn #Between unpleasant child Robert - called a wonderful boy by his parents; convinced he is Elect #highly book smart but deeply aware that there is something wrong about his family #Being tempted continually by visions of the Devil and raised in an age of constant civil and religious debate and strife #Where every side is utterly convinced of the complete moral validity and right of their own particular views #And some kid today coming out with all sorts of absolute nonsense as a result of being exposed to internet brainrot #Be it fascism or misogyny or even political views that I agree with but can become dogma and conspiracy theory in the wrong hands #In particular Robert's been raised in a very dogmatic household but also told exceptions will be made for him because he's special #Also something something late 17th century print culture boom and propaganda wars vs 21st century internet etc is this anything #I'm not necessarily saying this is a story for our times all I'm saying is there are timeless qualities in it #(Obviously that's what makes it a classic it's just I tend to notice more the portrayals of ill-made marriage #or Edinburgh mob violence and was less interested in the psychology of Mummy's Little Fanatic on the first reading) #Possibly the early part of the novel accidentally gives the impression that Robert is slightly older #because of throwaway lines like George mistaking him for a student of divinity #Even if Robert had been attending the university though that doesn't track #Based on what I remember of early 16th century norms and what little I know of late 18th century stuff #It would be perfectly normal for university students in Scotland in this period to start around the age of 14 #Some went even earlier- I definitely remember coming across lads who matriculated at the age of 12 or 13 or younger #Idk maybe I was the only one who had that particular image of him as a young adult in my head #Maybe I was the only one who was too stupid to work this out earlier and it affected my reading #But still if there's one thing I'm taking away from this re-read it's going to be 'Dear god that is a 13/14/15 year old boy' #That being said don't want to overdo it; as a former teenage girl I used to hate when reading the Crucible and people were all #Oh that's just OBVIOUSLY what all teenage girls are like so not trying to compartmentalise boys; but at the same time o.O

[elytrafemme]

you all will be infuriated with me but i’m being dead serious this time, this isn’t a “haha let’s get my mutuals telling me they think i have this in a joking way” this is like, i’m seriously considering this sort of thing.

i’m wondering if i was wrong about the borderline thing. 

and to be clear because i know at least some people might jump on this, i’m not saying all the symptoms i attributed to it are gone. those are still existent and bpd is the best explanation out of the countless of other conditions i’ve read research papers about, talked to professionals about, or otherwise studied. like this is the best thing i have to go off of. 

but i think i’m very used to being wrong about these things. i was wrong about being part of a system, which i guess i can elaborate on but at this point like, i give up, at some point i’ll go through and delete my pluralkit because i’m tired of this shit. i was wrong about every other condition i thought i had and to be clear part of why i thought i had those conditions was me just trying to humble any other option but bpd. so if they were successful, well, that’d be unexpected.

but that still makes it extremely strange and i honestly am doubting if i have bpd anymore.

#nightmare.personal #i don't know if this is one of those things that's kind of socially inappropriate to say but it's honest so i will #most people who have BPD are way more fucked up than me #like yes i'm definitely fucked up. compared to some of my friends yeah absolutely. #but especially with childhood shit like. it's a lot more intense than what i remember. #and yes yes there's a lot i don't remember. sure. i just found out two days ago that my parents fighting with my brother a lot #might have affected me mentally. so like there's a lack of understanding here. #but i don't think you guys really get how fucked up some of your lives have been #and like. yes i've been in near death situations sure. whatever. #but what's different between me and all these other people is you guys had stuff going on physically #and mine wasn't exactly physical. i probably could have died. but it would have been a psychological thing more than anything #and that's not exactly in the neat little handbook most support groups carry so who's normal pilled now huh #also i'm sure half of you do not give a shit about this but #some of you have BPD and it's a moth to the flame effect #the system thing will get at least one auto like because patterns #so people do care about this but most of you don't and ultimately this is useless #i'm just tired of this. and i think i need to do something about it soon.