#there's no fucking fixing shit now by worsening my already overwhelmed & strained body/mind by making me a gd hot potato

[ozlices]

i have to make appointments & also let my doctor know id rather continue one of the new meds she put me on bc it actually helped but ive been completely unmedicated for 2 fucking days & the thought of doing Anything makes me wanna throw up im so over being a person

#mine #i rly do not have it in me to make appointments dawg i have medical trauma can i get used to one new doctor #before im tossed around like a gd hot potato to numerous others. i literally attend my appointments w my cane #what's not clicking abt me having VERY fucking low energy in the aftermath of sm straining stress bruh #but like i dont have a choice bc i could have some of my meds stopped if i dont see certain doctors & im just here like 🫠 #i feel somewhat stupid like damn i rly thought finally i had a chill doctor w common sense but no i still gotta fight for my gd life #just be given say over MY OWN GODDAMN WELLBEING #'oh well this causes physical health concerns' to be completely blunt idfc anymore. #truly i fucking do not #my body is a fucking nightmare my entire system resents at this point bc we always have some lvl of bs going on w it #we've no choice but to stop fucking caring bc the numerous mental strains we're dealing w worsen them ON THEIR OWN #& also like literally fuck off bc my body wouldn't be this shit if doctors actually TOOK CARE OF ME PROPERLY #before it got this bad. #there's no fucking fixing shit now by worsening my already overwhelmed & strained body/mind by making me a gd hot potato #if im not Actively Perishing or on the immediate brink of the risk IDC #I NEED TO FUCKING BE ALLOWED TO //CHILL THE EVER LOVING FUCK OUT// #//that// SHOULD BE THE PRIORITU #ive been strained for YEARS but esp since last year to a CONSTANT degree #can i fucking get one GODDAMN foot on the ground to pick myself back up jfc #im so tired & annoyed & sick of there always being SOMETHING #i just wanna fucking chill & finish my preps to stream again & get back to pursuing what i love please #im gonna LOSE MY MIND

[come-on-shitty-boys]

//sober thoughts. kuroo tetsurou//

Warnings: slut shaming, vulgar language, swearing 

Word Count: 2K

Notes: I was listening to the Breath of the Wild soundtrack while working on this and now, I may or may not be planning on spending my weekend FINALLY beating the game on Master Mode

*Characters are aged up because I am a responsible adult who does not condone underage drinking*

*Read Part I - ‘Drunken Words’ HERE*

Honestly, he didn’t know what he was expecting when he sat down next to you in the lecture hall.  Maybe he was hoping that things would go back to how they used to be, before he made a total fool out of himself.  Maybe he was hoping that he’d be able to sit down and joke with you.  He was hoping that you’d start doodling little pictures in the margins of his notebook just like you always did when you were bored during lecture.  

But, he got none of those things.  He was welcomed by a cold silence, a quick glance up from your phone to recognize that he was there.  As he sits down in the seat next to yours, he watches you shift your body, leaning further away from him as if not wanting to be seen anywhere near him.

And who could blame you?  The videos of drunken Kuroo making all of those snide remarks, telling everyone about the relationship that you had with, had been circulating the campus all weekend.  Everywhere you went, you could feel the judgemental eyes on you, staring you down to punish you for your sins.  Even now, in a lecture hall filled with hundreds of students, people were turning their heads to get a glimpse of you and the fraternity brother who let all your secrets out after a few too many glasses.  Hushed whispers were filling the room as the rumors continued to grow and increase in severity.  Calling you any number of filthy names in the book.  

As if the guilt wasn’t already eating you alive.  The heartbreak that had crept into Daisho’s eyes as he realized that this wasn’t just Kuroo talking to talk felt like a punch to the gut.  He hadn’t even bothered to yell at you, he just walked upstairs, locking the door to his room.  You could’ve knocked on his door all night and he never would’ve answered.  You had sat outside for what seemed like hours before you heard the lock slide out of its place, the door creaking open ever so slightly as he poked his head out.  His eyes had been trained at the floor, refusing to meet your gaze.  But, no matter how hard he tried to hide it, there was no mistaking the slight puffiness to his eyes or the tightness in his voice.

“I think you should just go.”

Nothing else.  He spoke six words to you and went back into his room, locking the door tightly behind him.  You didn’t know why it hurt as much as it did.  You had said yourself that you weren’t in love with him anymore, but seeing all of the pain etched on his face overwhelmed you with guilt and Daisho wasn’t even giving you the option to try to fix things.  It was over.  Plain and simple.

It didn’t matter how many times you tried to text or call him, each one was ignored.  You showed up at the house the next day to try to talk to him, but you were turned away at the door by one of the fraternity members.  You didn’t deserve it, but you wanted to see him one more time, try to leave things off on a better note, but he wasn’t having it.  All of the pictures of you that had been posted to his Instagram were gone by the end of the night.  He was already forgetting you, obviously having no intentions of trying to work this out.

And then there was Kuroo.  To everyone around him, he was perfectly normal.  He still had his normal kind smile plastered on his face as he greeted people on campus.  He was still able to laugh and joke, this entire weekend just being funny for him.  No one was belittling him or calling him a whore.  If anything, people were high-fiving him, congratulating him on getting Daisho’s girl.  Kuroo Tetsurou’s life hadn’t even shifted.  Sure, the extra shit he got from Daisho wasn’t fun, but it was bearable.  This whole thing was so easy for him.

At least, that’s how it looked from the outside.

If anyone were to get a look inside of his mind they would see the same scene playing in his mind, the loop never seeming to end.  That look of shock painted so sadly on your face as he finally said what he had been hinting at throughout his entire drunken rampage.  Those solemn eyes staring up at him, mouth open as if you wanted to say something, but then closing as you come to realize that nothing could save you.  He broke whatever trust had been built between the two of you and now, he was being pushed away as you put up another wall around yourself.  Kuroo was getting pats on the backs, fist-bumps, and high-fives from guys he didn’t even know.  They would simply say, “Man, I saw the video! Epic!” and leave him to carry on with his day, unaware of the guilt gnawing away at him, worsened by the fact that it seemed that everyone around him had seen that stupid video.  

So, when he sat down next to you, he wasn’t expecting to be completely ignored, but he couldn’t say that he was surprised either.  But, you both carried on throughout the class like normal, silently taking notes, glancing over at the other’s notebook to copy something missed, phones being checked for the time every few minutes.  

1:51 p.m.

The sounds of students shuffling to put their books away echoes throughout the lecture hall, quiet conversations being held between friends filling the air. But, nothing could fill the awkward silence that enveloped the area that surrounded you both.  It’s not like he wanted to stand there in silence, eyes locked on you trying to fit your binder back into your bag, but what was he supposed to say?

“Kuroo?”

Amber eyes snap up to meet yours and he sees you adjusting your bag onto your shoulders.  He’s pulled out of whatever mental games that he had been playing with himself, expecting you to start the conversation that he had been anticipating all weekend.  But, his “Yeah?” was only met with:

“You’re blocking the aisle.”

“Oh, right, yeah.  Sorry, about that,” he mutters, shouldering his own bag to move out of your way.  But, the slight bounce to your hair as you walked away, the soft pat pat pat of your well-loved sneakers against the tile floor, the various enamel pins that you had stuck to your bag, glinting off the harsh lighting of the classroom.  He wasn’t ready to let all of that go just yet.  He wasn’t ready to let go of all of the time that he had spent with you.  Kuroo wasn’t ready to let go of you.

Before he could even second guess himself, Kuroo’s fingers wrap around your wrist, keeping you from moving another step away from him.  “Y/N.”

“Kuroo, let me go.  I have class.”

“No, you don’t.  It’s Tuesday and on Tuesday’s you have Italian in the morning, you used to go take a nap at the house afterwards, and then we’d walk to lecture together.  Don’t lie to me.”

“Well, don’t you have class?  You should get going,” you argue, trying to get out of his grasp, but Kuroo’s fingers only tighten around your wrist.   

“I’ll be late.  I don’t care.  Please, can we just talk?”

“What the hell is there to talk about, Kuroo?  Do you want to call me a bitch?  A slut?  There’s nothing to talk about as far as I’m concerned.  I’m done!  Do you know how many random guys are harassing me, asking if I can give them head, see if I’m as good as you say I am?  You may just get to laugh Friday night off, but I can’t!”

“I’m so-”

“I don’t care!  Your apologies aren’t going to make this all magically disappear.  This whole thing was a mistake, Kuroo.  I threw everything away.  I was stupid and now Suguru hates me.  He won’t even look at me, let alone talk to me!”

“But, didn’t you say-”

“I know what I said!  I know that I told you that I didn’t love him, but you should’ve seen him, Kuroo.  I don’t remember the last time that I’ve seen him so upset and knowing that he was that hurt because I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life? Seeing him so close to me, but so stupidly far away, because he didn’t want anything to do with me? That hurt and it still hurts.”  You pause, turning away from him.  A little laugh leaves your lips.  “You just- You wouldn’t understand.”

The grip that Kuroo has on your wrist releases as he drops his hand down to his side.  “I wouldn’t understand?  What makes you think that?  Just because I didn’t cheat on my high school boyfriend, doesn’t mean that I feel good about what happened either!”

“You ruined a relationship with someone that you already didn’t like.  Do you want me to buy you ice cream for your loss?”  You roll your eyes, crossing your arms over your chest.  “I know that after all of this, it probably seems like I don’t care about him, but I really do.  He- he was good to me and he didn’t deserve this, but I fucked up and now I can’t do anything to fix it,” you say, your voice straining to get through your sentences without falling apart as all of the shame comes bubbling back up.  “I hurt someone that I cared about, Kuroo.”

“What?  And you think I didn’t?  Y/N, I hate to break it to you, but I don’t buy you coffee after lab because I just want to be your friend.  I don’t put granola bars in my bag because I know you always wake up too late to eat before class, because I just think of you as someone that I’m sleeping with.  I don’t carry around a pack of your favorite pens for me.  Whether you like it or not, I love you.  And I know that this is the worst possible time to say it, but I love you and I was too stupidly drunk to realize that I was hurting you before it was too late.”  Kuroo runs his hand through his hair, exasperatedly pushing his fringe back.  “I keep thinking about how sad you looked and every time I see that in my head, it feels like someone just stabbed me in the heart.  I know that my apologies aren’t going to fix a damn thing, but I’m sorry, Y/N, really.  And, for what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re any of those things that people are calling you.  I still think that you’re the same person that I fell in love with.”

His words catch you off guard.  After everything, Kuroo Tetsurou is professing his love to you in the middle of a poorly lit university building, students slowing down as they try to overhear what’s going on between the two of you.   Part of you already knew it deep down, but you had hoped that his feelings would just go away and your arrangement could go back to what it was meant to be.  Seeing that you were likely not to give him an answer, Kuroo spoke up once more before turning to leave you.

“I know that I can’t tell you what to do, but I care about you, really.  So, remember, that I’ll always be in your corner.  I want it to be us versus the world, but I’m okay with just supporting you from the sidelines.  I just want you to be happy, okay?”

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x reader #Kuroo #kuroo tetsurou #tetsurou #kuroo x reader #x reader #imagine #one shot