#the text kicked my ass but that’s bc i’m lazy and nothing was WORKING
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liv makes graphics for her friends:
THEOPETER and TREACHEROUS
and i’d be smart to walk away, but you’re quicksand.
read until dawn here.
#ACTUALLY KINDA PROUD OF THESE#the text kicked my ass but that’s bc i’m lazy and nothing was WORKING#theopeter the only ship ever <3#ocappreciation#ch: theo standen#ch: peter parker#fic: until dawn#oc: anya#anya’s ocs#gs: for friends#fandom: marvel#marvel oc#marveloccommunity#allaboutocs#ochub#ocapp
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Monsta X as FWB
Summary: Monsta X as FWB Anon Request
A/N: Finally writing about these grown ass smokeshows...I am so fucking thirsty. I really struggled writing Changkyun (my bias) because I’m so in love it hurts I’m so sick of him
Warnings: Smut and s o f t b o i s
Word Count: 2657
Hyunwoo (Shownu)
He would be SO BAD at not catching feelings
You smile at him one time and he’s in love he couldn’t handle a fwb arrangement
The only way he’d even do it is if he really liked you but was afraid you didn’t want to commit
He’s really that bitch who’s like “if i dick her down real good maybe she’ll love me”
He might be right tho
If you ever take a shower at his place you won’t exactly be getting clean
In fact any time you show any amount of skin he’ll be all blushy and handsy
Def shy and hesitant until he gets comfortable with you
After he does it’s on, though, he’ll never wear a shirt if he doesn’t have to and you’ll be constantly thirsty
He’s the best at eating you out don’t @me
He doesn’t know how smoking hot he is so he’d be so proud when he made you flustered or made you come real hard
Not very vocal in bed but he’s got a low pitched whine when he’s close that sends you over the edge
Won’t dirty talk and will blush if you do but he’ll love it
If he’s horny he’ll send you a text like “hey” that’s it
Bad at sexting he’ll just send you pics and you know what a picture is worth 1000 words
Does that low-key possessive thing in public where he’ll lead you with his hand at the small of your back
Otherwise not very affectionate in public though, he’s worried you’ll reject him if he tries to hold your hand and he’s f r a g i l e
Smiling and lots of affection from this big teddy bear
Likes to take care of you, he’ll tear your ass up and then clean your apartment while you sleep and wake you up with takeout and a movie
He is never not buying you food it’s his way to say he loves you ok epitome of “how many food until date”
He will bruise you a lot by accident and feel so bad about it, kiss every one with an apologetic smile
Is it that he doesn’t know how strong he is or that he wants every guy around to know you’re his? Little from column a, little from column b
Please don’t let it slip if you’re seeing anyone else he will break your heart he’ll be so sad
Not even salty just will be a whole kicked puppy dog
Will dick you down hard after you tell him and then apologize and be the softest cuddly baby, won’t want to let you leave afterwards
Depending on how comfortable he is, he’ll either avoid you or be totally honest
Not in person though you’ll get a lot of emo texts he’s too shy to tell you
Your phone will be dinging as you walk out his door, tbh
“I don’t like this” “come back let’s talk”
But then when you do talk again he barely says anything just holding your hand and caressing your palm with his thumb
He’s likely to end the arrangement if he thinks you won’t choose him
He’ll be so sweet and apologetic tho he’ll say “I’m sorry but I’m just not built for this. I want you all to myself.”
You WILL choose him I mean it’s a no brainer, really
Minhyuk
So you’ve chosen Lee Minhyuk as your fwb, huh? Good luck not falling in love, sis
He’s so. Much. Fun
He’ll wanna take you to amusement parks and carnivals and finger you on the Ferris Wheel
He’ll try and make you fall apart while at the dinner table with his hand under your skirt with the most innocent smile on his face
He’s down for anything in bed and he is a switch for sure
Loud AF when you tease him such whiny moans
If you spend a couple days with him y'all won’t get anything done because you’ll be trying to get dressed and he’s taking your clothes right back off
Doesn’t give a fuck if you leave marks and will be offended if you complain about him leaving them
He won’t get very salty if you have other partners but he’ll be competitive and try to occupy all your attention and be real extra in bed
You’ll probably catch feelings before he does he’s so talkative and fun you’ll get to know him fast and start to love all his little quirks
If you tell him he’ll be sweet about it and just be like “shit ok let’s try it’
If he catches feelings on the other hand and you’re not very perceptive, you’ll never know
He’ll get real weird, v quiet and sulky like he’d hate catching feelings and not know if you did or not
Would try to find out what you thought v obviously like "hey so if we did date how do you think it’s go?”
Will wait for you to ask him out even if he liked you first
Kihyun
Would be hesitant about an fwb arrangement bc he’s highkey salty when he doesn’t get his way
Would probably wanna cuff any meaningful sexual partner bc he’s territorial so you might worry it’s because of that and not because he actually likes you
Very respectful about things like consent would never fuck you while you were at all inebriated (like even two glasses of wine) even if you begged
Quiet with you in public he wouldn’t want to go out a lot because too much social interaction drains him
He’d be the type to be seeing other people but not wanting you to smh
But he’d feel bad about it and know it was dumb
He’d be really honest with you even to the point of hurting your feelings but if he wasn’t sure how he felt about you he’d just keep quiet
So much salt and shade thrown if you’re seeing someone else will get pressed if you so much as mention the other guy’s name while you’re with him
“Hey, this is my time, right? Focus on me.”
Rough in bed and a smirky little shit, knows he’s good
A whole dom he’d like you submissive but bratty
Loves to bark orders and dirty talk in foreplay but will be quiet during the act, low grunts
He’ll buy you lingerie almost be a low-key sugar daddy, really, you’ll mention a purse you like and find it shipped to your house
If he caught feelings he’d tell you immediately and force you to make a choice he won’t wait around for you to decide
If you caught feelings and he wasn’t ready he’d avoid you for a while but expect you to be ready to talk about it when he calls you a week later outta nowhere
Hoseok (Wonho)
This boy is all talk
He’d flirt like mad, tease you in public, hands all over you
When he got you alone he’d be a little shy and s o f t tho
Would be eager to try an fwb arrangement because he wants to think he’s a fuck boy
Spoiler alert: he is N O T
He’s almost worse than Shownu about catching feelings
Big showoff in bed after the second or third time
Likes to manhandle you
Highkey has a praise kink so it drives him crazy when you tell him how good he’s fucking you
Loud whiny moans, lots of dirty talk but he’s shy right after he comes and uber affectionate
Will sext you constantly
Wants to meet up every damn day
He’s rough in bed at first, pulling your hair, smacking your ass
When he catches feelings tho every once in a while he’ll go all sweet and slow
If he starts going down on you a lot you’re in trouble sis he’s in his feelings
He’s only a dom until he loves you then he’ll switch whenever you want
He will never not cuddle you after sex either way this man would stroke a one night stand’s hair for three hours after sex
Will mark and bruise you everywhere and be proud of it
He’d be pouty if you wore something to cover his bite marks and hickeys
Speaking of pouty just please like don’t let him find out you got another man
Your life is now constant d r a m a
Would follow you around at bars, salty af if he saw you dancing with someone else
Will make a whole scene
Tug you away into the hallway and if he’s drunk he might be crying
You’ll have to take him home and comfort him smh
Wears his heart on his sleeve so he’ll tell you he loves you like 2 weeks after y'all start fucking
His mom knows about you by week 3, ok, he’s a whole mess
Will cry about you to his friends, Shownu won’t like you bc Hoseok is listening to sad music and coming in his room at 3am being a emo baby
If you end the arrangement you’ll have to block his number he’ll be such a mess
Will lie and promise never to get salty about you seeing someone else if you just come back
He’s real cute if you like him back though, eager puppy and will make you know you’ve made the right choice by not letting you out of his bed for a full two days
Hyungwon
Would probably be among the best at not catching feelings
He can’t be bothered to fall in love tbh
He might if you really understood him, though, like if you’d nap with him midday and talk to him about nothing for hours
You’d only be meeting up twice a week for sex he’s not that pressed
He knows he’s pretty and you are too and it works for him but it’s not that serious at first
Will not give a fuck if you’re seeing someone else but he won’t be bc he’s too lazy to maintain more than one arrangement
He would get a little salty if you cancelled a meeting with him for someone else though how dare you
He isn’t a sub but he likes you to do all the work in bed if you’re down, likes to see you riding him
Not rough at all
Quiet in bed, just short breaths
He may just call you over for a blowjob tbh
You’ll know he likes you if he goes down on you
Like he always will get you off but if he’s taking extra time he’s got it bad
Not rough in bed, almost romantic sometimes so that might get you in your feelings even though it’s just how he is
If you catch feelings first and try a dramatic confession and he doesn’t feel the same way he’ll ghost you
If he does like you he’ll call you sometimes just to talk when he can’t fall asleep
Won’t exactly tell you if he catches feelings you’ll just go out somewhere like to get breakfast and he’ll run into a friend and he’ll introduce you as his girlfriend
So anyway you’re dating now
Jooheon
Another “try not to fall in love” challenge
He’d suggest an arrangement just to make you blush and he shocked when you said yes
A real giver in bed, loves to eat you out and won’t even ask you to reciprocate but will be very grateful if you do
He’s so loud, wake the neighbors loud but his dirty talk is low key sweet
Also has a praise kink of sorts but likes to give rather than receive
Will fuck your brains out while singing your praises, “Look at you, baby, you’re so beautiful like this.”
He’d love to take you out, fancy dinners sometimes, would just kind of act like you’re his girlfriend even if it were casual
Will actually be your friend you can call him in the middle of the night crying and he’ll drop everything to help
Y'all will go to karaoke and shit he’s really like your bff who also dicks you down
If he wants to see someone else he’ll talk to you about it first and if you’re even a little uncomfortable, he won’t
He won’t be too salty if you see someone else but will be pouty and needy the next time you see him
Lots of cuddles and his dimpled smile
If you catch feelings it’ll make him catch feelings he’ll look at you in a whole new light
If he catches feelings he’ll just tell you
The second he realizes it he’ll deadass stick his head in the shower when you’re in there
“So hey I like you, let’s date, yeah?- why are you screaming it’s just me”
Changkyun (I.M)
He’s the most likely to be a whole fuck boy
He’s also probably the best in bed and he knows it
He’s a cocky little shit, knows how to make you tremble with a look and a slow wink
Will be your friend first and your sex partner second, if you’re upset or in a bad mood he’ll talk you down and make you feel better before even thinking of touching you sexually
Most blunt
“wya I’m horny come through”
Will talk to you about everything and nothing your pillow talk might be the best thing about your arrangement
Otherwise he won’t take you out much though he’s somewhat shy in public
Low groans and deep growls in bed
Absolute master of words in Korean or English lord help you if he dirty talks in bed p h e w
He won’t sext you much bc his deep ass voice is what makes your legs shake and he knows it
All about the foreplay wants to make you beg him to fuck you but he doesn’t last long because it gets him just as worked up
Rough in bed, sweet aftercare
Likes to wash your hair in the shower and shit
Makes you laugh a lot will send you memes when you’re having a bad day
Won’t initiate cuddling but loves it when you do and pulls you to against him
He will definitely be salty if you’re seeing someone else even if he is too but it’ll be quiet salty
If it’s in public he’ll just seduce you away from the other guy
“You like me better anyway, right honey?” Deep voice right against your ear as he ushers you into the cab and he’s all smirks when you let him up your skirt on the ride home
You WILL catch feelings even if you’re the most jaded bitch alive if you spend enough time with him
If you’re the type to run from feelings he will chase you
You’ll be talking to him after sex and he’ll give you that sweet smile when he shows his low-key dimples and your chest starts hurting and you’re like “I gtg”
He will follow you out the door fr
Blow your phone up
Even if he isn’t sure how you feel about him or he feels about he’ll want to make sure you’re ok
Would never ghost you even if you ended things
Would be the type to have a long conversation with you about your feelings
If he fell for you though you’d have to pin him down and talk about it he’d stop calling you as much and try to avoid talking about it
If you tease him about it he’d groan and almost get mad
“You loooove me”
“Shut up you’re dumb ion even like you”
Compliments you when you look nice but it’s lowkey
“Your hair looks good like that” or “your legs are nice you should wear skirts more often”
Suggests you to get serious very casually
“So you’re my girlfriend now, okay? Where do you wanna eat and if you say you don’t care I swear to God”
#monsta x#monsta x request#monsta x reactions#monsta x preferences#monsta x imagines#monsta x thirst#monsta x as fwb#monsta x fanfic#monsta x imagine#monsta x reaction#monsta x preference#lee jooheon#lee hoseok#yoo kihyun#son hyunwoo#lim changkyun#chae hyungwon#lee minhyuk#shownu#wonho#jooheon#changkyun#minhyuk#kihyun#hyungwon#hyungwon monsta x#im monsta x#shownu monsta x#wonho monsta x#monsta x smut
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Finals Week
This is a really self-indulgent semi sequel to this ficlet I wrote a little while ago about theatre major Bucky and frat bro Clint. Apparently this is gonna be the AU i use for pointless fluffy comfort now bc I’m stressed with finals essays and these boys are helping.
I definitely shifted some background characters around since the last fic sorry steve but i don’t super care so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Bucky spins his desk chair around in a lazy circle, watching the moon shining through his apartment window blur into a bright stripe with the rest of his surroundings. Someone on the floor above him has tuned their Spotify to some kind of low-fi study playlist, and Bucky feels genuinely relaxed for the first time in… months, actually.
This last week has been rough. Nearly all of his finals ended up scheduled on the same Friday and Natasha had to actually hold him back from leaping out the library window on Thursday night. It worked out alright. The Lighting Design 201 presentation had gone off shockingly well, the History of Stage Design final was way easier than expected, and his group project for Gender in Shakespeare really pulled through in the end. He half-assed the conclusion for his Dramaturgy essay, but there was only so much he could say about August Wilson without the professor realizing he was just spitting his class notes back at him. So now he’s done. A whole five days before the semester ends, too. It feels like a thousand-pound weight has been lifted off Bucky’s shoulders. He hums along to the slow jam echoing down from his upstairs neighbor, scooping up his phone to check his messages.
Nat (3 hours ago) Congrats on being done with finals
Nat (3 hours ago) If you didn’t turn that gd Fences essay in on time I will climb in through your window and strangle you in your sleep
Steve (2 hours ago) Hey! Me and some buddies were planning on going out for pizza around 7 tomorrow. Do you wanna come with? You can bring Clint so you don’t have to listen to grad students all night.
Steve (2 hours ago) Please say yes. I don’t want to listen to grad students all night.
Nat (42 minutes ago) Have you heard from Clint? He hasn’t answered my texts in hours. Not sure if I should be concerned
Nat (40 minutes ago) Send him a dick pic and see if that gets a response
Clint (3 minutes ago) im fckin dropping uot
Bucky ignores Steve and Natasha for now, typing out a quick response to Clint.
Bucky Well I’m done with finals
Bucky Can I convince you to stay in college with some fantastic Fuck Dramaturgy victory sex?
Clint i dont kno what htat is
Bucky I’ve explained Dramaturgy to you like five times
Clint i cant remembr
Clint what day is it
Clint bucky im dyin :’(
Bucky rolls his eyes, grabbing the keys off his desk and pulling on his sneakers. He would have preferred to avoid the Greek side of campus today if at all possible, but he has an idiot boyfriend to console.
Bucky omw
>>==========>
Beta Theta Pi is, as far as frat houses go, not the absolute worst. It had still been kind of a shock when Bucky realized Clint actually lives up to his frat bro vibes. Not only lives up to them but embraces them with the same enthusiasm Clint has for any other thing he cares about. Bucky could probably do PR for the Beta charity drives by now after how much Clint has gushed about them. Lord knows he’d do a better job than fucking Pietro.
Bruce answers the door on Bucky’s third knock, looking surprised to see him and vaguely stoned.
“Bucky?” he says after he gets a few blinks out of his system. Bucky wonders if it’s such a good idea to be smoking in his letterman jacket. Coach Fury’s been known to have a nose like a bloodhound. “Clint didn’t say you were coming over.”
“Has he said anything at all in the last twelve hours?” Bucky asks, shouldering past Bruce because he knows he won’t move on his own. Bruce is actually his favorite of Clint’s brothers. He’s chiller than any offensive lineman has a right to be. He does yoga, for fuck's sake. It’s probably the copious amounts of weed that mellow him out in the end, though.
“I dunno,” Bruce says, still blinking his way back to the present. He gives Bucky a slow smile as he shuts the door behind them. “Do you want tea? I made tea.”
“Maybe later,” Bucky says, because he’s just spotted Rumlow studying at the dining table and that’s the one Beta guy he genuinely doesn’t want to see today. He heads for the stairs.
“Wanna play Smash Bros?” Bruce asks as Bucky bolts for the second floor.
“Maybe later,” he shouts over his shoulder.
Clint’s room is at the far end of the hallway, and Bucky frowns at the closed door. Clint’s the kind of endearingly codependent guy that keeps his door open unless absolutely necessary, never wanting to miss out on anything that might be blocked by a thin layer of wood.
He knocks more as a warning than anything, letting himself in and shutting the door softly behind him. All the lights are off and nothing but moonlight illuminates Clint spread dramatically across the floor, staring up at his ceiling fan like he’s hoping it’ll fall on him.
“Fucking Christ,” Bucky mutters, mostly because he’s not sure Clint even heard him come in.
“I’m gonna die,” Clint answers from the floor. “Statistics is actually gonna kill me.”
“You can’t die,” Bucky says, leaning back against the door. “My mom will be crushed if I don’t bring you home for spring break.” The moonlight is making the angles of Clint’s face look especially soft, and Bucky takes a moment to watch him pout before sinking down onto the floor.
“No, it’s too late. I’m dying,” Clint says, shifting to make room on the rug as Bucky crawls over to him. He wraps his arm around Bucky’s shoulders and plants a quick kiss on his forehead before turning his glazed look back up at the ceiling fan. “You’ll come to my funeral, right?”
“Obviously,” Bucky snorts, sliding his hands under Clint’s t-shirt. He knows his fingers are ice cold, but Clint doesn’t even flinch.
“Wear black, okay? Something sexy, so my enemies get jealous of the hot piece of ass I bagged before kicking the bucket.”
“Should I cry?” Clint hasn’t seen Bucky act yet, but he’s totally going to audition for The Laramie Project next semester and blow his fucking mind.
“As much as possible. Maybe mention how much you’ll miss my massive dick.”
“I will,” Bucky says emphatically. He looks up at the ceiling fan and takes a deep breath, doing his best to bring tears to his eyes. “I’ll never love another dick as much as I loved his.” Bucky’s voice comes out impressively choked up. “I’m cursed to a life of longing. The only man who can satisfy me is lost forever.” Bucky blinks a single tear down his cheek, and Clint’s staring at him when he finally turns back.
“Holy shit,” Clint says, moving to wipe at Bucky’s cheeks like he’s actually worried about him. “Do exactly that, please. When did you learn how to cry on command?”
“When my third sister was born,” Bucky answers smugly. “I didn’t appreciate how much more attention tutus and pigtails got, so I had to find my own edge.”
“Becca’s sent me a few pictures that say you still cashed in on tutus and pigtails.” Clint rolls onto his side so he can face Bucky better, pulling him closer with a hand around his waist.
“I rocked those butterfly clips better than she could ever dream,” Bucky says, and Clint buries his laugh in Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky runs a hand up and down Clint’s back. “What day is your Stats final?” That earns him a despondent groan.
“Monday. I’m so gonna fail.” Clint’s voice is muffled by Bucky’s sweatshirt. “Why the fuck did I decide on a Business major?”
“Because you’re smart,” Bucky insists. Clint shakes his head weakly against his shoulder and Bucky smacks him lightly on the arm. “You are. You’re smart and practical, and once you have your diploma you and Nat can move to New York and open your gym.”
Clint mumbles something into his sweatshirt that Bucky doesn’t quite catch.
“What?” he asks, and he tugs the back of Clint’s shirt just enough to get him to scoot backward and speak clearly.
“I said you’ll be there too,” Clint repeats, rubbing his thumb back and forth across Bucky’s side and making an effort to keep his eyes anywhere but on Bucky’s. “Designing costumes on Broadway. Having a meltdown every other day.”
“Exactly,” Bucky says, and Clint looks up long enough to give him a hesitant smile. “And on tech week I’ll gripe to you all night long and make you rub my feet.”
“Sounds like a dream,” Clint says, and his voice is too soft to be joking. Bucky leans forward to kiss him. Clint brings his hand up to Bucky’s face, brushing his thumb over his cheek while they lose themselves for a moment or two.
“It’ll be awesome,” Bucky says once he’s pulled away. “And all you have to do is pass one dumb Stats final. It’s all easy street after that.”
“No it’s not,” Clint says, but his face doesn’t seem quite as pinched with worry. Bucky shrugs one shoulder.
“Maybe not, but this is all you have to think about right now. And even if you don’t pass, which you will, Momma Barnes will be waiting at the train station, ready to fill that void of disappointment with cookies and brisket. They offer Stats over the summer. You can even get Bruce to help you study.”
Clint smiles a little easier and presses a kiss to Bucky’s cheek.
“Bruce offered to help me study earlier this week, actually.” Bucky raises his eyebrows at him.
“And you’re not taking him up on it? Bruce is pretty much Einstein. You know that, right? What are you doing in here when you could be getting schooled on Stats in the library?”
“Well, you’re here,” Clint says and Bucky just knows his smile goes all dopey at that. “And I think even Einstein would struggle with Stats after smoking that much weed.”
“You’ll study with him tomorrow though, right?” Bucky’s not going to let Clint throw him off that easy. Clint rolls his eyes, but he nods. “Steve invited us to get pizza tomorrow. I’ll pay, as a reward for studying.”
“Steve invited us, or Steve invited you?” Clint asks, scrunching up his nose. Bucky snorts, shoving at Clint half-heartedly.
“Steve invited us. To go out with him and his friends. I dunno why you hate him so much. He thinks you’re pretty cool.”
“I don’t hate him,” Clint says defensively, but he still shifts forward to wrap his arms possessively around Bucky. “I just want to make sure he knows that the position of Bucky’s Buff Blond Boyfriend is already happily filled. Also, fuck him. I’m really cool.”
“You’re ridiculous,” Bucky says. He’s kind of stuck in Clint’s steel trap of a hug. “It’s not like that. First of all, I don’t date grad students, and second of all we totally have more of a big brother-little brother sort of thing going on. I think he’s more into Tony, anyway.”
“Aw, gross,” Clint laughs, letting Bucky out of his death grip. “They deserve each other.”
“People probably say the same thing about us,” Bucky says. Clint grins at him, opening his mouth to share some kind of smart-ass response. A knock on the door cuts him off and makes them both jump.
“Do you guys have pants on?” Bruce’s voice comes through the door way louder than necessary. “If you don’t, sorry. Keep doing your thing or whatever. We’re starting a new Smash tournament, though, if you wanna join.”
“No, Bruce. C’mon man,” Bucky hears Sam say, and there’s the sound of scuffling feet like Sam’s trying to yank Bruce back from the door. “They’re probably having their own Smash tournament in there.”
“Bucky would have invited me,” Bruce insists, and Clint sits up with a laugh.
“We have pants on, Bruce,” he calls, and the door opens a moment later.
“Are you guys just sitting in the dark?” Bruce frowns down at Bucky, who’s still sprawled across the rug.
“Yeah,” Clint says, and then because he catches Bucky’s meaningful look, “Are you busy tomorrow? Think you could help me with Stats?”
“Yeah,” Bruce says, smiling easily. Bucky thinks Clint looks relieved, like he actually thought Bruce might say no. “We can go to the library.”
“Alright, Bruce.” Bucky stands up, offering a hand and hauling Clint to his feet too. “Let’s smash. I call the pink controller.”
#my fics#winterhawk#rated: g#college au#wait have I been remembering to rate my fics lately#i didn't even realize i was making a hulk smash pun until the very end#i was just thinking about all the frat houses ive been to where they do nothing but play super smash bros#also clint is definitely the friend that switches off autocorrect despite needing it the most#im sorry if his shitty texting hurts anyone's brain
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Hello! You asked for prompts? So For tyrus, maybe some best friends to lovers trope? Like, they're both out to each other and bond over being gay and unrequited crushes. And then.. they catch feelings. Love ya💕
((this is so open ended and i have no idea where it’ll go but YES i need more requests like this or angsty ones. also they’re aged up in this one, like bc tj can drive))
It was a lazy September afternoon, and TJ and Cyrus were, surprisingly enough, not sitting in TJ’s living room watching Marvel movies over and over. TJ drove him and Cyrus to one of the state parks and they were going on a hike. Yes, Cyrus complained about physical activity, but TJ convinced him to come. So before he knew it, he was kicking rocks and sticks out of his way.
“How much longer?” Cyrus panted, struggling to keep up with TJ and his long strides. Curse genetics for giving him the short end of the stick, literally.
TJ chuckled, slowing his steps to try and let the shorter boy catch up. “I’d say another quarter of a mile, so not that long, Underdog,”
“Homophobia,” Cyrus muttered through gritted teeth, the path ahead seeming to only get longer and steeper. At least the leaves were starting to change colors and fall to the ground. That was the only saving grace of this trip.
That and being with TJ.
After what felt like ten miles to Cyrus and far too much sweating, the boys finally reached the peak of their trail. It was a small site with a few picnic tables, remnants of a fire pit, and trees surrounding the place. It was truly beautiful, and it was probably worth the hike, although Cyrus would not admit it.
“What do you think?” TJ asked, taking a seat on one of the picnic tables facing a split in the earth.
“I think that I’m sweating in places that I never have before,” he mumbled, “but it’s breathtaking, really, the whole view.” And he meant it.
“This is where I come when I need to clear my head, or when I’ve had a bad day. So, I’m here most days,” he said with a dry laugh. The boy regretted his words when he met Cyrus’ pout; he was so weak for that.
“Kidding, I’m kidding.” He put his hands up in mock defense and beamed, but Cyrus wasn’t buying it.
“How often do you come out here?”
The only sound that filled the air was the rustling of leaves, as TJ let the question settle on to his shoulders. How often did he come here? It wasn’t every day, not really. But it wasn’t once a month?
“Probably a few times a week,” he shrugged, leaning his elbows back onto the table, “I’m not always here because it’s the end of the world and the only that can cure it is a hike and crushing some leaves. It’s peaceful here. I come here to think too,”
“You know I’m always just a text or a phone call away,” Cyrus assured him, patting his back twice before slinking his arm away. “What kind of things do you think about?”
TJ shrugged in response, distancing himself from the question. “Nothing terribly important.” That was a complete lie. “This is the idea place to think gay thoughts,” he joked, “whenever there’s a rainbow, this is the best place to see it from,”
“Now you’re speaking my language,” Cyrus chuckled, ruffling a hand through his hair, and letting the silence make itself at home for a brief moment. “Did I ever tell you about my first straight boy crush?”
“You mean Jonah?” TJ raised his brows and Cyrus doubled over in laughter, nearly crying.
“Jonah Beck is the most bisexual person I’ve ever met,” he choked out between giggles, “he’s not straight. No, I’m talking about Carter,”
TJ’s jaw dropped. “Carter Mason? Like, captain of the baseball team? That Carter?”
“No, TJ, Carter the plumber. Yes, Carter Mason! It was in middle school and I was only just becoming comfortable with the fact that I was gay,” he explained, his eyes lighting up as he spoke (and TJ was totally not blushing as he watched Cyrus’ lips move).
“Anyways, I thought he was cute, because in all honest, me and every girl in the seventh grade thought he was cute. I had his number from a biology project that we worked on together, and so one day I texted him ‘Hey, do you wanna go to the Halloween Dance with me?’, which honestly, how did Seventh Grade Cyrus have that kind of courage?” he chortled, before clearing his throat, “Then he couldn’t say the he couldn’t go out with me because I was a-” he paused, the word caught in the back of his throat, “something I’d rather not repeat,” he swallowed his words, letting out a shaky breath.
TJ’s frown deepened, slinking his arm around Cyrus shoulders. “That’s awful. Like literally disgusting. But honestly? He does’t deserve you, and you can do so much better,” he sputtered, his cheeks flushing a gentle pink.
Cyrus eyes crinkled when he smiled, and TJ believed he could melt into a puddle right then and there. This boy was too much.
“What about you? Who was your first straight crush?” Cyrus asked, and TJ had to laugh.
“Funny you should ask,” he mumbled, his heart deciding to thump loudly in his chest, “actually my first guy crush was someone I thought would be straight, but turns out that he’s not,”
“Wow, what luck,” Cyrus mused, kicking the crimson leaves underneath his feet, “tell me more, tell me more, was it love at first sight?” he sang, cracking himself up.
“Probably,” he replied quickly, “I mean, I’m not the type of person that really believes in love at first sight, but it was pretty damn close. He’s, like the greatest person ever,” he blushed, noting that Cyrus hadn’t moved from under his arm. The sun had slowly started to go down; you could still see it all, but the sky was bring painted a brilliant mix of orange and pink.
“Aww, TJ has a soft side,” Cyrus joked, poking the taller boy in the side and making him laugh. It all felt so natural that he almost didn’t notice when their hands were touching. Almost.
“Only around you, dork,” he stammered, his words a touch too ‘lovey’ for his taste, “I-I mean, like, you’re one of the only people I can be open with,”
Cyrus felt his lips melt into a smile, and allowed his head to lean onto TJ’s shoulder. He could get used to this, except that he also couldn’t. He couldn’t get used to something that would only cause him pain in the long run. That’s what happened with Carter.
“If you’re so open, why don’t you tell me who this mystery guy is?” Cyrus pressed, his eyes fluttering shut for a moment. He focused on TJ’s heartbeat, steady.
“I-I can’t. I mean, I could, but I also can’t.” TJ fumbled over his words, allowing his head to lean on Cyrus’.
Cyrus turned his head upwards, his chin nearly touching TJ’s. It felt like all those times when they walked, and they hands barely brushed together, but he ached to hold the other boy’s hand. His eyes flitted across the blond boys face, freckles dotting his skin.
“You can tell me,” he whispered, “I cross my gay heart that I won’t judge,” he chuckled, feeling TJ’s breath tickle his skin.
I won’t judge. When did Cyrus ever judge him? Never was the answer, but it didn’t mean that TJ wasn’t scared. He was still terrified, but at least he knew things between them would still be…relatively normal.
“Cyrus I-” he choked, his eyes meeting Cyrus’ and practically being able to count his eyelashes he was so close, “I like you,”
Cyrus broke into a smile and then into a laugh, peeling himself off of TJ and laughing so hard that tears were trickling down his cheeks.
“Whew, you really got me there,” he wheezed, flicking tears off his face with his thumb, “for a second I thought you said you liked me. This mountain air is making me hallucinate.”
TJ’s shoulders slumped, his happy demeanor long gone. “I’m serious, Cyrus,” he whimpered, allowing his fingers to trace the grooves on the picnic seat, “I like you. And I get it if you don’t like me, that’s…fine.” A lie. “But I don’t want things to change between us,”
Cyrus drew his brows up together, and offered a weak smile. “I-I kinda do want things to change between us,” he admitted, linking his hand with TJ’s. Cue the butterflies.
Error. TJ.exe has stopped functioning. “Wait–what?” he sputtered, his reddening cheeks a result of the crisp autumn air and the involuntary blush cause by being around Cyrus.
“Do I need to spell it out for you?” Cyrus balked, bringing his legs up onto the seat and crossing them, “I like you too, TJ. Have for a while, actually. I just..was worried you wouldn’t feel the same so I didn’t say anything. But hey, we’re here now.” His voice got softer as he spoke, and with each word, he inched closer to TJ until he could rest his chin on the blond boy’s shoulder.
“Yeah, we are here now,” he hummed in response, pulling out his phone from his pocket, “Carter Mason has no idea what he missed out on that night, but I don’t want you to have missed out on that, too. Care to dance?” He asked, turning on a slow-song playlist and offering his hand to Cyrus.
The shorter boy happily accepted, taking TJ’s hand and letting him guide them a few feet away from the picnic tables. Cyrus hands found themselves around TJ’s neck, and TJ slinked his hands around Cyrus’ waist. The boys swung softly from side to side, and according to Cyrus, TJ looked like an absolute angel when the golden sunlight hit him. His eyes sparkled like the night sky, and his smile was warmer than ever before.
“Thanks,” Cyrus mumbled, resting his head on TJ’s shoulder and taking in the scent of his cologne. Although it had been a pain in the ass to climb all the way up here, it was now definitely worth it, and he would do it all over again.
The song ended, fading into a new one and Cyrus picked his head up from his resting position, his eyes meeting with TJ’s. “Can I kiss you?” he practically begged, already leaning in towards the other boy’s lips.
“Please,” TJ managed, before he was swept away by the indescribable feeling of Cyrus’ lips on his. It was like the world was frozen and spinning out of control all at the same time. His lips buzzed in an unfamiliar fashion, but when he pulled away, he ached for that feeling again.
“Better than Carter Mason?” he joked, putting his chin on Cyrus’ head and pulling him into a hug.
“So much better,” Cyrus hummed happily. This was so much better than Carter Mason. So much better than sitting at home and watching movies. So much better than not saying anything.
This was perfect.
tag list: @shortstackofpeaches @seanna313 @geekingbeautytx @heavenlybyers @ghostswasp @wlwandimack @giocondasstuff @lemonboytyrus @adorejrizzle
#this fic took me forever to write#but im rlly proud of it#tyrus#tyrus fic#tyrus fanfic#my fics#tj kippen#cyrus goodman#andi mack#theo says stuff#asks#my asks#anon#answered
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Even numbers :}
THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU CRAZY KIDDO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND YOU’RE A BLESSING ON THIS WORLD!!!!!!
2: is your room messy or clean?
It’s kind of a mix?? Like I leave my clothes folded on top of the drawers rather than putting them away bc the drawers stick and it’s just easier access. The messiest thing about my room is that I’m a human magpie who likes collecting shiny/interesting things so I have a lot of stones and bits of metal or ceramic and some nuts and bolts lying around pffft. XD But mostly I keep things kinda tidy.
4: do you like your name? why?
I DO NOW!!!! :DDDDD
6: describe your personality in 3 words or less
uUUUuuHHHHHh well-meaning, stubborn, energetic! :D
8: what kind of car do you drive? color?
I currently drive my parents’ car. It’s dark grey… not gonna say what model. XD
10: how would you describe your style?
Like, clothes wise? Either very simple n plain or outrageously colourful n quirky. Depends on the day. XD
12: what size bed do you have?
Double.
14: if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?
Oof honestly just back home (in Victoria.) A part of me also wants to try out a big city?? I’ve always lived in the country and tbh I kind of hate big cities because they seem to be filled with rude busy people but I wanna live there just to have something different and so I’ll know for sure and to say I did, y’know? (lmao a friend and I joke that we’re gonna move to NYC together one day, so she can keep my li’l naive country boi ass from getting chewed up and spat out by New Yorkers. I appreciate it. X’D )
16: favorite makeup brand(s)
No idea. I’ve only worn makeup twice, and those times were when my Mum begged me for a solid year until I finally caved and let her do it… grumpily. X’D
18: favorite tv show?
S E N S E 8
20: how tall are you?
5′4. :)
22: do you go to the gym?
Nope, not enough money. I used to work out a lot at home and I got p ripped but because of my eating disorder I had to stop. Still haven’t started up again yet. :(
24: how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?
21 bucks. :D
26: how many pillows do you sleep with?
2. One under my head and one to cuddle (shut up, I kNow. XD )
28: how many friends do you have?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ too lazy to count, however many people I interact with online. I don’t have any irl friends… god that sounds pathetic. XD
30: whats your favorite candle scent?
Absolutely no idea, we never have any. That’s actually something I wanna change when I get my own place. I like candles. They calm me.
32: 3 favorite girl names
God I am so shitty with names. My characters either name themselves or they don’t get names. X’D UUUUUUUUHHHHH, Amber, Ida, Carmen??? idk???
34: favorite actress?
Emma Thompson is an actual fucking legend and I would go to battle for her.
36: favorite movie?
How to Train Your Dragon or Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse! :D (If it has to be live action: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. :P )
38: money or brains?
Heart.
40: how many times have you been to the hospital?
For myself, personally? Lots when I was a baby bc I had chronic ear infections and would literally just scream 24/7 and never sleep, I was in so much pain (poor tiny Matt. :(((( ) Once because I had a really bad migraine around age 13 that literally would not go away and had me throwing up every other minute and in such bad pain I wanted to literally die. And once recently when I felt super sick for months and months and finally went only to find there was nothing wrong with me?? turned out it was my gluten intolerance but dear god I had never felt that sick.
42: do you take any medications daily?
Just my asthma preventer (and I forget to take that a lot and end up not being able to breathe as well as I should, bc I’m the World’s Biggest Dumbass :)) XD )
44: what is your biggest fear?
Physically: Not being able to breathe. Emotionally: The people I love ending up hating me just because I’m me. There’s a lot of irony to unpack there but I’m just gonna set the whole suitcase on fire. :)
46: whats your go to hair style?
Shaving the whole damn thing off.
48: who is your role model?
I don’t really have one?? I guess my parents?? But I don’t really wanna be exactly like them either? I think it’s unwise to put anyone on a pedestal bc nobody’s perfect.
50: what was the last text you sent?
Screaming to a friend about how cute her OC is. XD
52: what is your dream car?
Literally could not care less so long as it gets me where I’m going and it’s neon yellow. X’D
54: do you go to college?
Nope, dropped out of highschool early lmao.
56: would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?
Rural I guess?? But that’s only because I’ve always lived rural and don’t know any different. it’s quiet, I like quiet.
58: do you have freckles?
Yep! I don’t have them in big patches tho? I just have like, some random single ones scattered all over my body?? XD
60: how many pictures do you have on your phone?
Don’t have a phone and dear GOD I don’t even wanna know how many pictures I have on my laptop. Answer: too many. XD
62: do you still watch cartoons?
OF COURSE!! :D
64: Favorite dipping sauce?
idk I don’t really dip things in sauce? Maybe just tomato sauce?
66: have you ever won a spelling bee?
Yes, actually!! Woooo go bb Matt!! :D
68: can you draw?
Stick figures? Yes. XD
70:what was the last concert you saw?
Never been to one.
72: Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?
Only ever been to Starbucks so I can’t really compare.
74: what is your crush’s first and last initial?
76: what color looks best on you?
I think blue does. 💙
78: do you sleep with your door open or closed?
Open. Sleeping with it closed freaks me out, idk why. 😅
80: what is your biggest pet peeve?
Being condescended to. :///
82: favorite ice cream flavor?
Mint choc chip! Or rainbow! XD
84: chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?
GIMME THE GAY SPRINKLES EVERY TIME.
86: what is your phone background?
Laptop background is currently THIS incredibly amazing beautiful accurate drawing Oli did of my OC Ben!!! :’D
88: do you like it when people play with your hair?
Y E S. I used to hate it when it was rlly long but now it’s heaven. ^-^ Unless I’m in one of my ‘being touched makes my skin crawl’ kind of moods.
90: do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?
Just whenever I have my shower, occasionally during the day if I’m sweaty or whatever. Sometimes if my insomnia kicked me in the ass I splash my face n neck with cold water to wake up in the morning.
92: have you ever been drunk?
Nope, and I really don’t want to be. The idea of being out of control of myself, even just a little bit, is terrifying to me. No thanks. I also just generally do not like alcohol, idk why.
94: favorite lyrics right now
My all-time favourite lyrics come from Twenty One Pilots’ song ‘The Judge’ (even though I don’t actually like the song itself I love the lyrics):“When the leader of the bad guys sangSomething soft and soaked in painI heard the echo from his secret hideawayHe must’ve forgot to close his doorAs he cranked out those dismal chordsAnd his four walls declared him insane”
96: day or night?
*chanting* NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT N
98: favorite month?
Ironically, considering my character March is a giant dickwad, it’s March. XD The weather is just starting to turn cool after the grueling summer and it’s also my birth month! :D
100: who was the last person you cried in front of?
My Dad. Yikes.
AHHHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKIN, ALEX!!!
#Matt speaks#if you wanna get to know me read this lmao#looong#another interview that I love!!!#:D#<3#BUDDY :D#bestest bud#I English speak good#X'D#asks#get to know me
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im a curious meanie so 1-134 muhahaha you get to relive the hell i just went through
etab i haTE U
1: Name
my name is marit lol but please just keep it mar
2: Age
i am 17 but i’ll b 18 in 2 months!!!!
3: 3 Fears
the dark, complete and utter loneliness, and clowns
4: 3 things I love
books, forest fruit tea, the sound of rain
5: 4 turns on
a nice smile that reaches the eyes, a nice smell, having a dog ngl, a soft touch
6: 4 turns off
extreme arrogance, insisting to pay for my meal if i want to pay bc its “what a man should do”, forcing lifestyles on me, not caring about my interests
7: My best friend
she does have tumblr but idk it but hey demi if u ever see this ur the bomb.com
8: Sexual orientation
im bi fam
9: My best first date
my bf and i went to amsterdam to go shopping and he followed me everywhere (even the bookshop even though he hates books) and idk i just love him it was a nice day
10: How tall am I
im 1,65m or 5′4″ but i can and will kick ur ass
11: What do I miss
nothing really??
12: What time was I born
ok so i asked my mom and she said i was born on a tuesday at exactly 12pm but i bet she’s lying
13: Favorite color
yellow!! im basic!!
14: Do I have a crush
well i sure hope so @ boyfriend
15: Favorite quote
to the stars who listen, and the dreams that are answered
16: Favorite place
my bf’s house tbh, specifically his bed
17: Favorite food
pizza, specifically the hot chicken one from ny pizza
18: Do I use sarcasm
nah fam (ofc i do im a little shit)
19: What am I listening to right now
god is a woman by ariana grande
20: First thing I notice in new person
how they look at other people when those people don’t notice it
21: Shoe size
38/39 idk the other size lol sorry
22: Eye color
its blue but it changes with my mood (oh my god im so sorry im kidding please don’t hate me)
23: Hair color
im a blondie
24: Favorite style of clothing
sth casual but also a bit towards the punkish style, but i also rlly love looking tiny and soft and cute lol
25: Ever done a prank call?
ok so there’s this hotline for kids who have troubles with their parents and families but it was a shit hotline tbh so once i called it up with my friends pretending i was crying and the man on the phone asked me what was wrong so i told him that all my friends had fire type pokemon and i only had grass type pokemon and they kept beating me and i didnt know what to do and then man was so confused it was funny af
27: Meaning behind my URL
idk man i wanted a name that could b easy to remember and i was inspired by ridgeport tbh
28: Favorite movie
the perks of being a wallflower
29: Favorite song
Fav song atm is anything from p!atd's newest album and my fav song of all time is probably train of consequences by megadeth
30: Favorite band
megadeth lol
31: How I feel right now
pretty good but also annoyed bc i have to go to work in half an hour :(
32: Someone I love
my bf
33: My current relationship status
if u guys havent noticed by now im taken
34: My relationship with my parents
p ok
35: Favorite holiday
halloween/christmas
36: Tattoos and piercing i have
I have my ears pierced and thats it lol
37: Tattoos and piercing i want
i rlly want a few bookish related tattoos, like a tiny raven, a little lightning bolt, and the city of velaris and then i also rlly want a sleeve tbh but imma be a teacher and idk if i can :/ about piercings: i rlly want a helix or tragus and maybe get second holes in my hearlobes
38: The reason I joined Tumblr
ok so ive been on tumblr for about 5 years and initially it was bc i was Depressed™ and then about a year ago i found out about simblr and i was hooked
39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?
tbh i dont even talk to him anymore i dont rlly care about him in any way
40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?
yes bih
41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?
hes my bf so yea lol
42: When did I last hold hands?
wednesday
43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?
about 45 minutes bc im lazy and i keep getting distracted
44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?
nope
45: Where am I right now?
in bed lol
46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?
either my bf or my best friend
47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?
depends on where i am
48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?
mom
49: Am I excited for anything?
tbh moving out but thats gonna take a few more years
50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?
*insert bf here*
51: How often do I wear a fake smile?
every time im at work lol
52: When was the last time I hugged someone?
wednesday
53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?
lol bye
54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?
nope
55: What is something I disliked about today?
the fact that i have to work a day shift instead of an evening shift
56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
my internet friends tbh it’d be cool to meet all the people from my bookish discord or from @booptherat‘s discord
57: What do I think about most?
what book i should read next
58: What’s my strangest talent?
i can finish a book in about 4 hours
59: Do I have any strange phobias?
not rlly? i hate the whole asmr thing tho ew
60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
behind lol
61: What was the last lie I told?
i dont remember tbh
62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
neither lol
63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
look im not saying that believing that we’re the only living species in the entire universe is narcissistic, but it is. also dont fuck with ghosts
64: Do I believe in magic?
hell yes
65: Do I believe in luck?
hell yes
66: What’s the weather like right now?
idk probably cloudy and windy
67: What was the last book I’ve read?
fahrenheit 451 by ray bradbury
68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?
nah not rlly
69: Do I have any nicknames?
i guess mar?
70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?
when i was 2 i fell from sth and slammed the corner of my eye onto the corner of a table and i couldve been blind but thank god im not
71: Do I spend money or save it?
both
72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?
yup
73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?
post it notes
74: Favorite animal?
doggg
75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?
reading lol
76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?
idk man
77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?
i gotta feeling by the black eyed peas lol
78: How can you win my heart?
give me a samoyed and a 1000 books
79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?
“a boss ass bitch”
80: What is my favorite word?
fuck?
81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr
@cubersims @imvikai @ridgeport @cowplant-pizza @bloomlet @tiptoptab
82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?
spend fiddies, pet kitties, hold tiddies
83: Do I have any relatives in jail?
not that i know of lol
84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?
the power to choose whatever power i want at any moment
85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
“do you like working here?”
86: What is my current desktop picture?
its an august background from @emmastudies
87: Had sex?
yes
88: Bought condoms?
no
89: Gotten pregnant?
no
90: Failed a class?
yes
91: Kissed a boy?
yup, i’ve been kissing my bf for about 2,5 years now lol
92: Kissed a girl?
yup, i’m living the bisexual dream lol
93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?
yes
94: Had job?
yes, im working at a movie theater right now!!
95: Left the house without my wallet?
tbh all the time now that i can pay with my phone
96: Bullied someone on the internet?
yea i used to but that was when i was 12 and i’d like to say that i’ve grown a lot in the past 5 years
97: Had sex in public?
nope
98: Played on a sports team?
yes
99: Smoked weed?
nope, even though i live like 20 minutes away from amsterdam lol
100: Did drugs?
nope
101: Smoked cigarettes?
nope
102: Drank alcohol?
yupppp, i love me some raspberry cider
103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?
nope
104: Been overweight?
nope
105: Been underweight?
nope
106: Been to a wedding?
yup
107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?
lol all the time tbh
108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?
yup
109: Been outside my home country?
yup, however never outside of europe tho
110: Gotten my heart broken?
a few times
111: Been to a professional sports game?
yess, i saw the dutch female volleyball team once!
112: Broken a bone?
nope
113: Cut myself?
yes
114: Been to prom?
we dont do prom in the netherlands lol
115: Been in airplane?
yes
116: Fly by helicopter?
nope
117: What concerts have I been to?
k3 (only dutchies and belgians remember this), one direction, megadeth, and ed sheeran
118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?
yupp
119: Learned another language?
i mean im from the netherlands and im fluent in english thanks to myself
120: Wore make up?
yuppp
121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?
yes
122: Had oral sex?
lol yes
123: Dyed my hair?
nope
124: Voted in a presidential election?
not old enough to vote :(
125: Rode in an ambulance?
nope
126: Had a surgery?
nope
127: Met someone famous?
nope
128: Stalked someone on a social network?
nope
129: Peed outside?
a few times lol
130: Been fishing?
nope
131: Helped with charity?
yep
132: Been rejected by a crush?
a few times
133: Broken a mirror?
lol yes
134: What do I want for birthday?
some books, money, cake, more books, makeup
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Texts between Manny and Jay throughout the past two weeks. bc I was lazy and didn’t post as they finished. @manuellasantos
Jay: Hey dollface. What are you up to?
Manny: hey! About to head to the hospital.
Manny: why what's up?
Jay: Ah, Eli? How is he?
Jay: I mean, if I'm being honest a little birdie that rhymes with bane asked me to keep you away from the hospital. Though, you know Eli better than me and you can decide if that's a good idea.
Manny: in need of some company I think.
Manny: right and how were you planning on doing that?
Manny: honestly I think bane is the last person he should see right now but what do I know.
Jay: Well, hospitals are not exactly fun to hang out in so I wouldn’t blame him.
Jay: I was going to offer chips, or those gross veggie straws Alex has... and well, Netflix.
Jay: Also, yeah kind of a weird relationship there? I wonder if Alex knows they talk so much.
Manny: true. Which is why I'm headed over
Manny: wow gross veggie straws how can I say no?
Manny: yeah I'm not sure she does
Jay: Hey, I have Netflix too.
Jay: Well, I don't know what they eat over there in the acting world. Don't you have to like be all healthy and shit?
Jay: Wonder if I should mention that to her, though maybe she knows, she's been weird.
Manny: well I mean I haven't seen oitnb yet....
Manny: when have I ever eaten healthy? I have like a personal trainer but that's it
Manny: do something for me yeah? Find out what she knows?
Jay: Oh I will gladly watch oitnb
Jay: True, is this personal trainer someone I should be worried about?
Jay: Joking. What she knows about what? What do I get out of this exactly?
Manny:......no if bane is at the hospital i should probably stop by.
Manny: uh 30, good looking and gay. Yep totally be worried
Manny: uh just find out why she's in a bad mood or whatever. A sleepover?
Jay: Yeah honestly a good idea.
Jay: Hey now, I'll be 30 next year, you calling me old?
Jay: A sleepover? Okay, I'm on it.
Manny: however I will hold you to oitnb
Manny: no?
Manny: honestly he has a husband so you have nothing to worry about
Manny: I thought so. And thanks. I would ask her myself but I get the feeling she doesn't open up that easily
Jay: You better.
Jay: Hm, suuure.
Jay: Well, we'll see how this goes. She just told me I have no idea what she's going through and told me she doesn't know if she likes girls
Manny: I would never call you old babe.
Manny: right. Did something happen to change her mind? You know you don't need to ask her that if you don't want to
Jay: I make a hot old guy at least.
Jay: I mean, she did ask me to stay away from the house after work last Friday...
Manny: that you will
Manny: which means? Fight? Sex? A little help here hogart.
Jay: I bet you'll still be hot old.
Jay: Sex? Alex did seem oddly happy Saturday morning.
Manny: please i know i will be
Manny: forget it
Jay: I'll still be hitting it if you let me.
Jay: Okay, sorry.
Jay: Yep, pretty sure it was sex. Also, all she mentioned was she was sleep deprived and something about Lucas still being in the game.
Manny: wow! Planning to stick around for that long huh?
Manny: right OK. Well thank you for that. Speaking of. I owe you a sleepover for that
Jay: That is if you don't run off with Zac Efron.
Jay: Guess you do
----
Last Saturday (8/4)
Jay: Hey Boo
Jay: Come over tonight? Before Lola takes over the couch on Monday.
Manny: I'm in.
Manny: wait why is lola taking over your couch?
Jay: We can watch OITNB and maybe do some other things.
Jay: She told Alex something about needing a break from her dad. Alex is her cousin or some shit so of course she took her in.
Manny: other things huh?
Manny: there cousins? I mean I get it. My dad is part of the reason I didn't move back in when I came back
Jay: Yeah other things
Jay: Yeah they’re like second cousins or something. Their mothers are cousins.
Jay: Hey, your dad isn’t that bad
Manny: I mean I guess I could stay for the weekend.
Manny: wow I never knew that
Manny: OK true
Jay: hm sounds like a plan to me
Jay: yeah I didn’t either until like this week
Manny: yeah I thought you might like that idea. Packing as well text babe.
manny: interesting. Well I hope Lola's OK either way
Jay: They’re going out for drinks, including Alex. So we have two options, we can ditch and have the house to ourselves if you know what I mean, or we can go and just leave early so we at least get a few hours alone.
Jay: No idea. Alex didn’t say much.
Manny: You know what it's up to you. I mean I'm not sure where the two moved but.... i don know you and sean were close same with Jenna
Jay: Me and Sean aren’t close anymore and neither are me and Jenna, but Alex is going and Fitz is there.
Jay: It’s up to you boo. I don’t mind either way.
Manny: hence why I said were, OK how does this sound. We go check it out, stay for a little bit then come back and you can show me the other plans you have in mind
Jay: Hm, I like that idea.
Manny: should we tell the others or just show up?
----
Today (8/7)
Manny: hey babe do you mind if I stay over tomorrow?
Jay: Do I ever mind if you stay over?
Manny: well I thought I'd ask since lola just moved in
Manny: I've been kicked out of the goldsworthys for the night
Jay: Of course you can stay over babe.
Jay: Kicked out? Why is that?
Manny: nothing bad. Ava's meeting her grandparents tomorrow and her mom doesn't want me there
Manny: thought I can show you how flexible I use to be since you seemed interested in the gc
Jay: Yeah Jane is something else. Let’s not tell Alex that.
Jay: oh really? Sounds like a good idea to me
Manny: I have a lot of choices words for jane recently but shes letting me see again thursday so hey.
Manny: I'm sure it does
Jay: She got pissed at me for telling Alex she didn’t know if she likes girls. But if Alex found out Jane told me that and I didn’t tell her down the road she would kick my ass out and this is my house.
Jay: Wear something sexy, not that it matters much because I’m going to take off off of you anyway.
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2017
I have learned a lot in 2017, about life, myself, and others. I have been through a lot. I want to write it down to let it go. I don’t want to forget or deny, but shift my focus towards the future by laying out the past year, processing some things that may have been pushed to the back burner, and reflecting on everything.
At the beginning of the year things were okay. I was still recovering from being hospitalized in October as well as constantly moving back and forth between my boyfriend’s and my parents’ place, and the toll that had taken on my life and my relationships with my boyfriend, family and friends. I was working for Time Warner Cable, and had been for about a month. But shortly after the start of January, I quit after being publicly humiliated at work. I wasn’t on good medication, I was in a fragile place with nonexistent self esteem and I was very unstable. In hindsight the incident probably wasn’t that bad, but I still feel it was uncalled for and at the time it broke me. My boyfriend at the time, who I was living with, was also unemployed. The relationship was toxic and continued to spiral downward until the end of February when he kicked me out after a fight.
I was miserable and the relationship was fucked up beyond all repair, but it still destroyed me. We had been together for a year and a half. I was a wreck. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I had to move back home with my parents for the umpteenth time. It was okay for probably a week before my parents went crazy and started trying to control my life and make me miserable. I know their intentions were good and they were just trying to help, but their methods were atrocious and traumatizing. They forced all these rules on me like I was some kind of learning disabled 5 year old and forced me to sign a contract saying I would do all this ridiculous bullshit. And if I didn’t, they were going to hike my rent way up, and I had no means of income at the time. My “rent” was paid through me doing work around the house. I had no problem with that, but if I made any mistakes such as forgetting a glass in my room, or forgetting to turn a light off or some other stupid, minuscule thing like that, even once, they were going to hike my rent up. And I had to work a lot to make sure my rent was paid, because they only gave me so much money for a certain task, but it wasn’t much, and there’s only so much that can be done. I had a curfew, even though I was 21, and at one point my mom tried to force me to take some idiotic life class. I refused.
Living with all of that was difficult, and my relationship with my parents at the time was awful and my life was effectively a living hell. It became even worse in March when things came to blows after I fucked up. I had stolen some money from my mom (about $60) which I am NOT justifying, it was wrong, and I lied to her about it which made the situation worse, but her reaction was also bad. I’m not upset with the fact that she was mad at me and upset, but she flipped absolute shit, over a small amount of money. She disowned me, called me names such as a heathen and degenerate, said everyone in the family thought I was a drug addict and I lied about being sexually assaulted a few weeks earlier to make them feel bad. And it was extremely difficult for me to tell my parents, who halfway, subtly blamed me for what had happened. I was afraid that they wouldn’t believe me or use it against me later, which is exactly what my mom did. She then threatened that if I didn’t get literally everything off my bedroom floor by the time she got off work she was going to trash all my belongings. At the time, I still had a lot of unpacked boxes and such that I had had to bring back from my ex’s. I didn’t have a lot of time to do any of this and was busting my ass all day. Thankfully she came around a little and gave me till the end of the night but it was still very difficult and stressful and I was an absolute mess, as usual.
It took a lot of time for my parents and I to get along again after that. This whole time, of course, I’m still dealing with my ex who I was obsessed with and trying to constantly get back. At the same time, my ex’s step father was dying of multiple cancers. Despite what had happened I still cared for his family because we had been close. My parents were pressuring me to get a job, and I started applying in April. I was trying very hard to get back in my parents’ good graces and recover from everything. I applied for a summer job at a company, and I had done their summer job program for the past three summers, but in 2016 had some issues towards the end so I wasn’t sure if they would take me back or not. They did hire me again, which placated my parents a bit, but instead of working at the office headquarters they were sending me to the manufacturing plant. My ex’s stepfather passed in May, and at the end of the month I started my job.
I was initially disappointed that I had to work at the factory but still thankful that I had a job. I thought it was good news, but my mom who was always unhappy with me wasn’t satisfied at first. I went to talk to her about it one day and she ended up flipping shit on me saying that I was going to hate the job, that this was going to be the worst summer of my life and it was my fault because they didn’t want me back at the plaza. As if I didn’t know they hated me there and was negative towards myself enough already. So I decided that it was going to be the best summer of my life, even if just to spite her.
The job wasn’t actually that bad, and throughout the summer my mother finally started to come around and we were actually able to work on our relationship. In June though, that’s when my life changed and things really started to turn around. One day at work, while talking to my friend Jessica, this other kid came over in the morning and started talking to us. He and Jessica knew each other, but I didn’t know shit, I hadn’t even been working there that long. Little did I know this would be the love of my life (I know it’s cliche). We started talking, had common interests, and decided to hang out sometime.
Our first date was good but really awkward at times. We had fun and talked about a lot of things, we were supposed to see a movie but ended up just walking around together talking about stuff. I had a good time hanging out, but at the time really wasn’t looking for romance or a relationship, so I was a little ambivalent towards the end. He wanted to hold my hand, wanted to kiss me. I was awkward and so was the kiss, and I ended up texting my friend to help get me out of the situation and used some bullshit excuse to run away. At that point in time, I had no intentions of dating him and wasn’t even sure if I wanted to hang out anymore.
But I decided to give him another chance, and our second date was a fucking blast. We took his motorcycle to the mall, I bought lots of cool stuff and we went to an arcade and played lots of stupid games together and had lots of fun. Soon, we were hanging out just about every day, even though he worked 3rd shift and I was on 1st. It really was the best summer of my life. I had never met someone so sweet and patient, funny and weird and a little bit crazy, but insightful and kind, and a lot like me. I had never been treated so well before. I wasn’t looking for love, but boy did it find me.
At the end of summer I worked towards getting hired on officially at work, going for a position on third shift which he helped me to get, and which made things a lot easier since we were on the same schedule then. Right before I switched over to 3rd shift, I had to have a surgery done because I was constantly in pain and they didn’t know why. They thought it was my kidney (because it is a little fucked up) but the pain never got better, the surgery basically did nothing. They still don’t know what’s wrong with me, and the pain hasn’t been as bad recently, but that’s an ongoing thing. Around the same time, things started to come to a head with my boyfriend’s dad and step mom (who is a ROYAL fucking cunt) when they were trying to hike his rent up for no actual reason, even though they treated him like shit at the house anyways. They tried to raise his rent to $700 a month, but they had already basically made him a prisoner in his room, excluded him from everything else the family and his siblings did, flipped shit if he ever tried to use to kitchen, wouldn’t even let him keep food in the kitchen, which resulted in him having to constantly spend money on fast food, and did nothing but fuck him over. He could hardly even sleep there because his step mom doesn’t know how to get off her fat lazy ass and control her stupid, pathetic, psychotic children. So instead of paying $700 a month to be treated like garbage, he ended up moving in with his actual mom, who wasn’t going to charge him any rent at all. The only issue was that she lived kind of out of the way.
Once he moved there, I was with him almost every day because we would carpool a lot. We were working on trying to find our own place, so we were hoping he wouldn’t have to be there too long. Work was going well and things were good and almost kind of stable. In November, we managed to find ourselves an apartment. But about two weeks before we were going to move, his mom decided she wanted to move. She rents houses, and wanted to rent out a better one in the same city. It was just inconvenient because we had to pack up and move all my boyfriend’s things again, which weren’t even unpacked from the first move to his mom’s because his room was so small, just to move them again in a couple weeks. But we did it, at the tail end of November we got moved into our apartment, I got my precious cat back (she was staying at a friend’s bc I couldn’t have her at my parents’ house), and we then had a lovely Christmas together.
My mental health has been up and down, and we encounter lots of problems. Things seem to fuck up left and right, but I guess that’s just life. Despite all the little problems and setbacks, at the end of the day this is the big picture. And the big picture is looking bright.
Now, I’m going back to school in a couple weeks and I’m going to finish getting my degree. My boyfriend’s career is going well at work and he’ll hopefully be getting a nice promotion soon. I get to go back to a somewhat normal schedule soon, and hopefully my boyfriend can score a good position on first shift.
At the end of the day, I have to remember to have hope. Things are better than they ever were before. I just wish my mental health would stop making me forget that. But I’m going to try as hard as I can.
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GLENWOOD RUSTLEMANIA CHAMPIONSHIPS
and now i’m at the final dungeon in Berseria, ready to kneecap anyone who stands between me and my true goal of launching a spinning heel-kick at Innominat’s skull
as always, BIG TIME SPOILER EXTRAVAGANZA UNDER THE CUT, as i am at the endgame at this point
for the curious, per Eizen, a scarlet night happens when the moon and the earth line up such that the earthpulse gets drawn into the moon by gravity
"i'm a wicked little boy, doing this for my own selfish needs!" SWEET BABY!!!! SWEET BABY!!!!!!
it's such an understated character quirk but i love how huge of an appetite Laphi has and how much he zeros in on delicious things. in like two thousand years once your and Sorey's sleepover is concluded i'm sure Mikleo will make ice cream for the both of you
every time Eizen says shitty things about women or is creepy at Velvet, Edna adds another notch to the tally of times she needs to powerbomb him into the mountain. the tally is frustratingly high
bye shigure you're far more appealing than your brother and are one of like, four decent NPCs in the game *plays Taps on kazoo*
bye old fat man you sure were old and fat *plays Mambo No. 5 on kazoo*
"WHEN THE ELEMENTAL EMPYREANS AWAKEN THE VERY FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH WILL SHAKE AND HORRIBLE DISASTERS WILL RAIN UPON--" you are trying to reason with the wrong ass crew, man. get slormped
Velvet projectile vomits the souls of the abbey bosses she ate into the volcano earthpulse, causing the elemental empyreans to awaken and literally dropkick Innominat into outer space. it is now up to us to get some golf clubs and finish the job of caving his skull in. and somehow steal a rocket ship to get up there; no one's really addressed that part yet
the best part of the empyreans awakening? because Innominat is now so weakened, his suppression on the malakhim/seraphim's free will is gone, meaning we got to see a bunch of malakhim ripping off their masks and loudly tell the abbey to fuck themselves sideways before poofing away.
so now i guess is the point where i would normally fuck around with so many endgame sidequests that i'd never wind up getting around to fighting the final boss, but i wanna break Innominat's kneecaps so bad that that's not gonna happen. the true Sweet Baby must take the throne
that's not to say i'll be skipping endgame sidequests entirely, such as the sidequest where i just fought the main guy from Xillia (?) who got turned into a penguin (???)
normin island is super cute and packed with Zestiria references, including but not limited to:
1) normins daydreaming about finding a nice master to serve, like "a pretty girl who makes terrible puns"
2) Zaveid arriving with little Dezel in tow, who he let wear his coat after saving him from daemons. i believe in Zestiria Dezel is said to be a fairly young seraph by seraphic standards, and Berseria takes place 1000 years in Zestiria's past -- if 1000 is "young" for a seraph, like, Mikleo must be considered a zygote
Zaveid loves kids so much that he and his now-dragonified girlfriend collect orphans and then kidnap random humans to help raise them. specifically he kidnapped some cooks bc he doesn't know how to
anyway we killed the dragonified girlfriend and now Zaveid and Eizen are friends and Zaveid promises to make Eizen's death wish a reality someday. once Eizen goes dragon Zaveid will run down the two-person list of people interested in having sex with him so i'm sure it'll be painful on his part as well *plays Single Ladies on kazoo*
and then we killed dragon-Silva again and confirmed he's the dragon skeleton on Hexen Isle. sometimes i feel Berseria tries a little too hard to shove LORE!!! LORE!!!! in our faces but i think that's just because i want it to focus entirely on lore that canonizes sormik more than it already is
hi other person from Xillia. is the penguin thing an in-joke i don't understand because i don't play Tales games that aren't gay
welcome to Katz Korner and here is where i remind you that Katz Korner explicitly has a sex club that you have to be 2000 years or older to enter and in Zestiria they state Zenrus was their most frequent guest
Laphi wants to enter the Katz wrestling championship where you make biscuits on your opponent and the first person who purrs loses. SWEET BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the final component of that legendary medicine we were gathering to save Laphi's Little Pal proves to be malakhim tears. can confirm that if Mikleo cried, i would gain the power to rend the earth in twain to annihilate the cause of his woes
Phoenix is here to fight again (pre-again? whatever prequels), and despite him putting forth the challenge only because he stalks Edna enough to know Eizen is deliberately avoiding her, he actually puts forth a remarkably coherent and comprehensive argument on how immature and horrible Eizen is being for keeping what he's truly doing a secret -- so much so that Eizen is basically sputtering red in the face in furious embarrassment towards the end and is all but screaming "FIGHT ME THO" to put a stop to it
that's all the compliments i'll give to Phoenix though because his fight makes me realize how much i HATE THE FUCKING STUN MECHANIC IN THIS GODDAMN GAME JESUS CHRIST. DO YOU LIKE GETTING STOPPED DEAD IN YOUR TRACKS EVERY TWO SECONDS IN BATTLE, FOR ABOUT FIVE SECONDS APIECE, GETTING YOUR MAX ABILITY POINTS REDUCED EACH TIME, UNTIL YOU CAN LITERALLY DO NOTHING AT ALL? WELL YOU FUCKING BETTER BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY TO AVOID IT LOLOLOLOL FUK U
anyway after all that Eizen sends Phoenix to watch over her and is convinced to come clean to Edna about being a pirate. you then receive a letter from her, in which she casually accepts the news in the traditional Edna Way ("well that was obvious. the new doll you sent isn't cute but i'll keep it since you sent it.") then Eizen starts crying and it made my dick stiff
i think the Seres = Lailah theory is dumb and very well-debunked at this point (considering Seres is like. very dead) but Velvet does state in an event skit that Celica loved to make puns so maybe Lailah helps carry on her purpose into the future
i poked my head into the Empyrean/Artorius' Throne area to clean up a hunt but i found a pair of freed malakhim there who stole the Water Divine Artifact (aka Mikleo's bow) from the Abbey and are planning on smoothing out the armatus arte to make it less dangerous and more of an even exchange of power than it is at that point -- as it is it's just exorcists flat out stealing malakhim power with zero consent and then melting from the strain.
yet another chapter in the Who Fucking Edited This Game's Localization saga; localizing Glenwood as "Greenwood" because who cares about consistency in a pair of linked games. that might sound minor but, seriously, there are skits and dialogue that have complete gibberish as the subtitles/on-screen text. for example: Magilou has a line of dialogue: "That's a little goose I'm even by my standards." I was straight-up staring at my screen and eventually pieced together that they were going for "gruesome". i had a suspicion on how it happened, and checked out videos of the dub to confirm -- sure enough, Magilou's EN VA (who still sounds obnoxious lol i am so glad i changed to the sub so early) says the line, and if you were in fact a poor innocent speech-to-text converter software, used by a bunch of lazy localizers who decided to use a speech-to-text converter to automatically transcribe dialogue so you could whack off in the bathroom instead of doing work, it's very clear how you could parse the line reading as "goose I'm" instead of "gruesome".
okay i think that metaphor might have gotten lost there. what i am saying is the lazy ass localization team clearly used speech-to-text converters to transcribe dialogue for subtitles, and couldn't be arsed to proofread the result. this happens CONSTANTLY in Berseria's subs/on-screen text. christ, what happened here? Zestiria didn't have this problem...
#i guess this is my personal tales of berseria tag now#i guess this is my personal tales of zestiria tag now
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i need Nursery reacting to Dex getting a daring piercing, like septum or eyebrow
the thing is, no one rly finds out about it for months
dex gets it done over the summer bc you can’t take it out for like six weeks and i don’t know much about hockey but i’m like 99% sure it would be a bad idea to play ice hockey, a sport in which you fight people and occasionally get punched in the nose, with a septum piercing in
so he has it in and he snapchats chowder and lardo and nursey right after it happens and they all lose their shit and are in love with it
except nursey is a stupid idiot and forgets things a lot? and he also didn’t really take it that seriously because, well. it’s fucking dex. there is no way that man would get a septum piercing and keep it. nursey is pretty sure the whole thing was a prank and that the piercing was fake, and he forgets about it after like 2 weeks
dex has one of the horseshoe ones where you can flip it up so that you can’t see it and he wears it like that 90% of the time because work and because small mostly conservative fishing town
so when he snapchats/facetimes nursey, it’s hidden, hence why nursey forgot about it
and then he’s back at samwell and he’s had it for more than the required 6-8 week healing period and he hardly ever wears it because 1. hockey 2. he’s lazy and 3. he’s a little bit self conscious of it
he also doesn’t wear it to the haus super often because he lowkey fears for its safety there
anyways he’s hanging out with chowder and lardo in one of their rooms in the haus and he has his piercing in and nursey comes in and flops across the bed and rants about his day etc etc and it takes him like 15 min for him to Notice
he loses the ability to speak for like. 5 min straight
lardo, of course, notices this and takes pictures
nursey needs to leave right now immediately
dex: hey nurse you good
nursey:
lardo: [kicks him]
nursey: what yeah
dex:…..ok
nursey, five min later interrupting the conversation: so like that piercing u got over the summer was real??
dex: …ya? why would i fake that
nursey: idk for fun and because ur an asshole
dex:……anyways
nursey and dex walked back to their dorms together and dex said do you think it’s weird or something? cause i don’t wear it a lot because of hockey but i’m not sure how it looks with my hair and facial features yknow
a quote from derek malik nurse that sounded chill when he said it but was actually Not Chill At All: “no keep it it’s hot”
a text thread from that same afternoon:
lardo: lmao smooth bro
nursey: stfu
nursey: holy fuck tho
nursey: i feel personally attacked
lardo: gay
nursey: i kno
next time they have a kegster dex wears it with joggers and a backwards hat
rip in pieces derek m nurse
nursey: i’ve never felt this gay in my life
lardo: that’s a lie but i’m happy for u
nursey: what do i do
lardo: take another shot
lardo: or three
lardo: and then see where the night takes u i guess
nursey and dex beat chowder and farmer at pong and nursey’s reaction to this victory is to scream at dex “you’re so fucking hot” and then kiss him on the mouth and then wander off into the crowd saying something about victory shots
dex stands there in shock for a min while chowder laughs his ass off then sighs and goes to find some water bottles because he’s just been reminded why nursey patrol is a thing
they hold hands on the walk home
the groupchat w nursey, dex, chowder, farmer, & lardo the next morning:
ld: so did u guys fuck
cf: ^^
cc: ^^^^
wp: no fuck off
dn: ;))
anyways i was gonna write a fic for this but that would take a lot more time and effort so i hope u enjoy this anyways
also fun fact dex has his ears pierced!! but not for fashion or for fun his friend malorie did it for him in high school with rubbing alcohol and a needle on a dare. he almost never wears earrings just bc he’s lazy and bc hockey but he wears them enough so that the holes won’t close bc he didn’t go through all that pain and yelling for nothing
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Reflexivity and Reaction, or: How to Actually Take Action
A great deal of thought has been given over to the more motivational aspects of game. And it’s natural, given that so many men seem capable of realizing what to do in an intellectual sense, while remaining basically incapable of following through with it — or at least, incapable of following through with it to the extent that they should be!
For many men, it’s a common, almost daily occurrence: being out and about and noticing beautiful women, realizing you SHOULD immediately approach them and then…doing nothing, except perhaps staring longingly after them as they cross the street, board the train or dart into a store.
BUT — is it really a question of motivation? After all, if you’re reading this article or otherwise spending any amount of time proactively trying to improve your success with Japanese women, you’re probably already pretty motivated, right? And if you’ve read the Japan Game book, watched any of the videos or taken the Social Metamorphosis Course, you probably have a fairly good understanding of just how possible it is to have immediate, unqualified success with Japanese women soon after approaching. So, what’s really stopping you?
Over the years we’ve come to realize that a lot of what people commonly think of as “approach anxiety” can more often be characterized as something like “approach reluctance,” and that this reluctance is due more to SOMEONE ELSE cockblocking you than it is to any common insecurities or fear of negative repercussions.
And by SOMEONE ELSE we mean YOUR BRAIN.
Let’s pause for a moment before we go any further. Stop and think for a moment. Do the following well-meaning injunctions sound familiar?
Always approach when you see your ideal girls!
Approach anyway, regardless of how you’re feeling!
Approach even if the girl is walking away from you quickly!
Approach even when the girl is with her friends or seems otherwise “occupied”!
Take right action at all times!!!
Push for more than you think you can get!!!
Yeah, you’ve heard all this before, right? And yet you still can’t seem to take action!
When trying to explain why this is the case, most would-be gamers fall back on a host of psychological rationalizations. Maybe they’ll blame their insecurities (too short! Too poor! Too ugly! Can’t speak Japanese!), or else their current situation (“I’m on my way to work now! Job is too busy recently, don’t have time to game!”). They might also retreat into their “inner game cave” and waste months trying to “improve themselves” in some kind of nebulous way. They might stress a need to “get their life together” before taking action. Either way, the result is the same: they don’t approach and feel bad, then feel even worse after the fact, which in turn makes them even less likely to approach.
But over-emphasizing psychology is a red herring. After having taught literally hundreds of bootcamp students, one of the undeniable truths Sinapse and I have picked up is that being able to consistently and successfully game has more to do with classical conditioning and deconditioning than it does with “willpower” or “motivation,” much less “inner game” or how good-looking, rich or well-employed you are.
During bootcamp, the role of the instructor is to constantly validate the students for taking action, regardless of the outcome. The goal here is not so much to get the students “direct success” in an instrumental sense (such as getting them favorable attention from girls, an immediate pull to a hotel, or any other kind of “result”…although this certainly does happen fairly often on BC, given how hard we kick it) as it is to inculcate the habit of taking action, building up the neural pathways necessary for a long-term routine. Just like an actual military bootcamp, the goal is to deprogram and reprogram the students.
While this might sound a bit sinister at first, the truth is that the exact same process takes place when you establish a consistent gym routine, or even do something as simple as start showing up to the same place at the same time every day for your job. Doesn’t sound very impressive, but it actually is! The fact that the lazy, disorganized primates we call human beings are able to consistently do ANYTHING AT ALL according to a precise, clock-bound schedule is evidence of our capacity for establishing disciplined routines. And these routines are less a matter of motivation or belief than they are of continual repetition.
After all, you weren’t always able to read, right? While you can no doubt scan this text fairly quickly without even thinking about it (unlessidosomethinglikethisorrrrraddddddmorrrrrreletttters), at one time you had to sound out all the words at a snail’s pace. The same goes for all the hundreds of little routines that make up your day, such as taking a shower, brushing your teeth, getting dressed and tying your shoelaces. Although you might not remember it in detail, someone (probably your parents) once had to show you how to carry out these procedures, then most likely had to get on your ass about them until you actually started consistently doing them every day, after which they became second nature. And this “second nature” quality to your daily routines — or tasks delegated to your brain — gives them their “autopilot” status.
Yeah, your brain, remember?
Your brain is not your friend.
Serious. Despite being the repository of all your knowledge and life experience, your brain isn’t always acting in your best interests. And in fact, your brain often takes the role of the “inner hater” — a kind of mental projection or inner voice that’ll try to bring you down and stop you from taking action.
In fact, your brain will do everything it can to keep you from shifting into a different dynamic emotional state, or stepping out of your daily routines — even though those routines were once new and unfamiliar. This is because the brain loves to run things on autopilot. And it makes sense, in a way: you don’t have to expend many mental resources on autopilot tasks and routines, because after a certain point, they pretty much run themselves. Almost as if you were a robot. Kinda scary, right?
So your brain wants to automate as much of your daily life as possible, and it doesn’t take kindly to you consciously trying to impose new routines. It’ll do anything it can to keep things the same, and will resist your attempts to run new programs. Ones like:
Always approach when you see your ideal girls!
Approach anyway, regardless of how you’re feeling!
Approach even if the girl is walking away from you quickly!
Approach even when the girl is with her friends or seems otherwise “occupied”!
Take right action at all times!!!
Push for more than you think you can get!!!
Your brain thinks all of that is fine in theory, but it doesn’t want you to actually do any of it, because that would involve a lot of new, random and dynamic variables, such as interacting with tons of strangers every day and taking massive amounts of positive action to get outside of your comfort zone. Which, as stated above, is EXACTLY WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING…
…except your brain doesn’t like it. It wants to keep things safe, and it doesn’t want you entering situations where the outcome is unknown.
It’s not that your brain even really believes that massive action is bad. The brain isn’t evil, it just wants to maintain the status quo, which it perceives as safer for you, and over time it’s gotten so used to the “normality” of not approaching that it now thinks this is how things should be. As a result, it’s going to try to throw a spanner in the works, manifesting as the “inner hater” voice, or else throwing up constant psychological smokescreens of insecurity and rationalization. You know: those parts of yourself that tell you you’re not good enough, or that you’ll approach tomorrow instead of today — when you feel in the mood.
Remember, though, that all of these smokescreens are thoroughly groundless, just cheap attempts by the brain to save energy and maintain the status quo by keeping you on autopilot. Your insecurities and psychological doubts have no relation at all to your potential for game success. Therefore, rather than try to “work through” them with “personal growth” or any other self-help gimmicks, it’s best to ignore them entirely.
So, once the fundamentally irrational nature of your brain’s scheduling attempts is realized, you can take the appropriate steps to dealing with them. Which means kicking your brain to the curb and taking a dive into direct right action and total immediacy.
Sounds great, right? But HOW?
1. Repetition, Repetition, Repetition.
As mentioned above, during bootcamp Sinapse and I always stress the mechanical process of game; that is, the physical series of steps involved in noticing a girl, identifying her as desirable and then immediately moving towards her (hint: this sequence should happen as quickly as possible, almost instantaneously!). And we always stress that it’s the students’ responsibility to continue taking as much action as possible in the weeks and months following bootcamp, which is when the real routines will be established.
There’s a very real kind of “muscle memory” involved in building up the physical responses involved with doing game, and the process of developing it can’t be faked or skimped on. Would-be gamers often let their brains defeat them by simply not committing enough to repetition: or in other words, the daily actions that will eventually cohere into unconscious routines. The hard, mechanical grind is very real. So get to it! In the long run, it’ll be your salvation.
So, the goal is to get yourself taking action as much as possible, by any means necessary! This could involve establishing a buddy system with a wing, in which you set aside specific times to game, keeping each other accountable. Or you could use reminders on your phone or other scheduling devices to carve out specific times in which you MUST be doing approaches. Note that the simple act of forcing yourself to remain outside in public for extended, regular periods of time each week is what will eventually lock you into your new routine, even if at first you only end up approaching a single girl, or none at all. Above all, keep approaching!
2. Shut down thought. Act.
Don’t get caught up in “paralysis through analysis.” Instead, take ACTION!
Another component of bootcamp involves pushing students to approach even when they seem completely tired, flustered, confused or unmotivated. In fact, we’ll often cut them off in mid-sentence to send them after a girl. This has the effect of desensitizing them, or in other words, overriding the brain’s ability to suck them into harmful thought spirals. It’s in this radical state of exhausted, thoughtless action that new routines and reflexes can be formed.
And here we come to the crucial concept of reflexivity and reaction time. It’s no secret that day game in Japan takes place in an extremely fast-paced environment. With tons of scouts and Japanese nanpa kids active around most major stations, and with girls already primed to move quickly to reach their destination, the successful gamer simply NEEDS to have a standard reaction time that’s much faster than what most people would bring to the table. And right off the bat, most beginner gamers just don’t have sharp enough reaction times to not only consistently spring into action, but also persevere and persist with girls who don’t immediately give them attention. And yet, sheer mechanical reaction time is one of the most under-discussed yet absolutely vital skills of all.
The ability to rapidly act without much — if any — conscious thought is one shared by all high level gamers in Japan. And while it might seem mysterious, in almost all cases this skill was attained through consistent, repetitive action.
Remember, you’ve gotta defeat your brain, and that means ignoring its attempts to paralyze you with thought spirals. The brain is like an evil sorcerer trying to lull you to sleep. Don’t give it a chance to start talking! The longer you hesitate, the less likely it is you’ll take action and the more likely it is the brain will convince you that it’s “too late,” that it “wouldn’t have worked anyway,” that “she was out of your league,” etc. As stated above, all of this is NONSENSE with no bearing on the reality of the situation, so there’s no need to address any of it on the purely “content-based” level (i.e. you don’t need to actually make a list of reasons why the girl was “in your league” or whatever — all you need to do is notice her, feel interest and then approach).
The concept of not getting hung up on thought carries over into other forms of interaction, such as text game. As always, if you sense you’re spending too much time on hesitation and analysis, you probably just need to DO something, even if it doesn’t turn out how you’d planned. Remember, the ability to quickly and successfully improvise is something you need to work on developing.
3. Detach totally from outcome. Instead, schedule your state.
It’s almost become dogma around these parts that the successful gamer shouldn’t attach himself to projected outcomes or results. As with most statements of this kind, however, the reality is that focusing only on right action is often easier said than done. In practice, most gamers still tend to find themselves elated by “successes” such as positive attention or fast sex and depressed by “failures” such as being ignored or flaked on.
While outcome dependence naturally lessens with time, there are a few shortcuts or hacks that you can use to become less reactive. State scheduling, though still somewhat experimental, is an interesting way to short-circuit the brain and fast track peak state.
We’ve already discussed the idea that psychological rationalizations for inaction are just a kind of smokescreen or distraction thrown up by the brain, when the real problem is almost always THE BRAIN ITSELF — or in other words, your tendency to come up with self-defeating rationalizations at all, rather than anything in their specific content.
Since the brain tends to want to default to its autopilot routines, it will use familiar conditioned emotional responses to make you feel certain ways at certain times. This often works to your detriment — for example, you might start feeling nervous and “unworthy” before a date with an extremely beautiful girl.
One way to get around this is to set up a “state schedule” — or in other words, a daily schedule for how you’re going to feel at specified times each day. Your schedule might look something like:
11: 00 AM – Playful, silly
12: 00 PM – Baseline
1:30 PM – Motivated and Determined
2:30 PM – Baseline
6:00 PM – Negativity and Despair
6:30 PM – Baseline
7:00 PM – Peak State and Total Positive Excitement
At the scheduled times, really consciously force yourself to feel the specified emotions and states, no matter how incongruous or difficult it seems. By forcing yourself to cycle through so many different emotions, you’ll disrupt the brain’s autopilot routines – in effect, messing up its plans for your day. Note that the brain will likely resist this as much as possible, because it’s used to being the one calling the shots! Your brain thinks you’re its bitch, and it will initially resist your attempts to impose discipline. For example, your attempt to consciously force yourself into a negative state (“I’m such a loser! Everyone is so much cooler and better-looking and successful than me! Oh no, woe is me! Suffer, suffer, suffer!”) will likely result in you feeling more ridiculous than truly bad, since your brain isn’t used to you TRYING to experience negative emotions. You might find your brain becoming confused, and instead trying to reassure you (“Hang on, things aren’t actually that bad!”). This confusion is a good way to break up ingrained mental routines and get yourself into a positive, thoughtless state for taking action.
In general, regardless of the specifics, the act of consciously monitoring your state and emotions (mindfulness) is one that will take you far.
4. Move the goal posts.
Most beginning gamers tend to overthink things, making action out to be more complicated than it is. Rather than getting hung up on vague nuances of what girls MIGHT be thinking, what they MIGHT be intending with their messages, or what they MIGHT be considering as they pass by you in public, it’s better to break your agenda into small, manageable steps.
Think of it this way. First you need to focus on going outside. Then, while you’re there, you need to find a girl who interests you. Then, you need to quickly get over to her. From there, you need to improvise in the moment and push things as far as they’ll go…
In the abstract, all of this can sound overly elaborate, or like you need to memorize long-winded routines. But none of this is true. And the more you move the goal posts or focus on small, manageable actions, the easier it will all become. This will have the added effect of making you more comfortable with uncertainty and improvisation, rather than feeling like you need to plan everything in advance or come in with pre-prepared content. Remember, the goal is total immediacy.
5. Don’t try to get better. Just lose yourself in action.
Action, action, action. Yup — the game is all about you taking action.
But while this sounds like a simple principle, many gamers fall into the trap of excessively comparing themselves to their friends and wings, or otherwise becoming preoccupied with how far along they are on the path — even when they’ve done next to no hard grinding!
It sounds paradoxical, but progress schedules for game can themselves be an impediment to progress. By getting hung up on whether you’re getting better or not, you actually miss the reality of the moment. Of course, provided you go out consistently and take right action as much as possible, you’ll naturally improve over time, but it helps to keep your head down and focus only on your next approach.
The five points above all have a common theme: disrupting the brain’s schedule and getting yourself onto your TRUE PATH. This conveniently sidesteps most “motivational” or self-help based advice while keeping you focused on action, action, ACTION!!!
So go out and take it!
The post Reflexivity and Reaction, or: How to Actually Take Action appeared first on Attraction Japan.
from Attraction Japan http://attractionjapan.com/reflexivity-and-reaction-or-how-to-actually-take-action/
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When I said I would block you,,,, There’s a lot more than one way to get blocked. Anyway, I’m putting this under a read more bc I hate you and it’s long. If you want to know more about me than strictly necessary then click read more, rip in pieces to those on mobile.
Also: I W I N
200: My crush’s name is:No one,,, or is it (lol it’s no one)199: I was born in: Ireland, 1998198: I am really: Annoying, probably197: My cellphone company is: 3 mobile196: My eye color is: Blue195: My shoe size is: 5194: My ring size is: IDK?? I have my Cladddagh ring but I don’t remember193: My height is: 5′‘2192: I am allergic to: nothing191: My 1st car was: I can’t drive190: My 1st job was: babysitter189: Last book you read: Foster (it’s shit)188: My bed is: A double bed?? really comfy?? I have no parameters here187: My pet: I don’t have one186: My best friend: Emma, a certified Dork185: My favorite shampoo is: Elvive, it has glitter184: Xbox or ps3: Xbox183: Piggy banks are: Cool??182: In my pockets: I’m in pajamas181: On my calendar: nothing all week save Graduation on Thursday180: Marriage is: Coolio 179: Spongebob can: be happy, levae him be178: My mom: is coolio177: The last three songs I bought were? Decpacito, Issues, and Horns176: Last YouTube video watched: Vine compilations, sue me175: How many cousins do you have? Too Many, family reunions are wild174: Do you have any siblings? 4 bothers and one sister173: Are your parents divorced? Yes172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes171: Do you play an instrument? *Flashbacks to recorder practice* It’s required in Ireland so yeah170: What did you do yesterday? Went shopping and bought my graduation outfit[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: yes (I’m a mushy person don’t drag me)168: Luck: yes, Luck of The Irish, I’ve never had it, but it’s there167: Fate: Yes, it’s fate I’m gonna kick ur ass166: Yourself: N O165: Aliens: yes, I wanna fuck superman, I have to believe164: Heaven: ??163: Hell:???162: God:?????161: Horoscopes: yeah I’m a Leo (August 19th, mark your calender)160: Soul mates: Yes 159: Ghosts: Fuck yeah, my firends house is haunted158: Gay Marriage: I’m a bisexual,,,, so Y E S157: War: No (?)156: Orbs: *flashbacks to fanfics* … don’t…155: Magic: Y E S[ This or That ] (I’m bisexual,,,,, why u asking me to choose) 154: Hugs or Kisses: Kisses!153: Drunk or High: Drunk152: Phone or Online: Online151: Red heads or Black haired: Black hair 150: Blondes or Brunettes: blondes149: Hot or cold: Cold148: Summer or winter: Winter147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn146: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate145: Night or Day: Night144: Oranges or Apples: Apples143: Curly or Straight hair: Straight142: McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald’s141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk Chocolate140: Mac or PC: PC139: Flip flops or high heels: High Heels138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Sweet and poor137: Coke or Pepsi: Coke136: Hillary or Obama: Obama135: Burried or cremated: Buried, I’m taking part in the skeleton war134: Singing or Dancing: Singing133: Coach or Chanel: Coach132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Who (???)131: Small town or Big city: big city130: Wal-Mart or Target: I’m Irish129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Ben Stiller128: Manicure or Pedicure: Manicure127: East Coast or West Coast:I’m Irish126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas125: Chocolate or Flowers: Cocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney (tf is six flags??)123: Yankees or Red Sox: I’m Irish[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: My brothers are all in the army, this is v Yikes121: George Bush: Did 9/11120: Gay Marriage: Let us marry!!119: The presidential election: Stupid118: Abortion: Let them have it, it’s not my decision117: MySpace: Oldie but goodie116: Reality TV: Stupid, but entertaining115: Parents: Love my step dad, I’m a daddy’s girl lmao114: Back stabbers: [eye emojis]113: Ebay: Don’t use it much112: Facebook: Good, I guess111: Work: I’m a lazy binch110: My Neighbors: Nosy!! They look in our windows when we’re out109: Gas Prices: I don’t drive108: Designer Clothes: Look fancy107: College: I plan on going to one106: Sports: Quidditch I love, not so sure on everything else105: My family: OK, a little nasty sometimes, v petty, esp my brothers104: The future: The what???[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: Like this morning?102: Last time you ate: I’m eating an apple rn101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: Last week I saw my aunt100: Cried in front of someone: Last Thursday 99: Went to a movie theater: Lke a week ago98: Took a vacation: way too long ago97: Swam in a pool: Years96: Changed a diaper: Not long enough ago95: Got my nails done: Ages ago94: Went to a wedding: Last year93: Broke a bone: 5 years ago (my school shaded me, another story for another time)92: Got a peircing: 3 years ago91: Broke the law: I downloaded music illegally yesterday90: Texted: yesterday[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: My friend Molly88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: My Coffee machine87: The last movie I saw: Gaurdians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 (I was forced)86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: The end of my exams85: The thing im not looking forward to: My exams84: People call me: Abbey, Abbs, Dabbey Hufflepuff (100% real)83: The most difficult thing to do is: Study82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: I don’t drive81: My zodiac sign is: Leo80: The first person i talked to today was: My mum79: First time you had a crush: I was like 8, he was my brothers best friend, he gave me a valentines card and I told him to go away bc I couldn’t handle it78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: My mum77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Idk??76: Right now I am talking to: The GC75: What are you going to do when you grow up: something stupid, probably74: I have/will get a job: IDK??73: Tomorrow: School72: Today: Study71: Next Summer: Exams, then England for a while70: Next Weekend: Dying slowly, from a hangover69: I have these pets: None68: The worst sound in the world: ‘moist’67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Myself binch66: People that make you happy:my mutuals (yes even u you shitstain)65: Last time I cried: last Thursday64: My friends are: a little mean, v condescending63: My computer is: HP62: My School: Is becoming a gaelscoil and I can’t deal lmao61: My Car: I don’t have one60: I lose all respect for people who: Shout at me/fake ask ppl out59: The movie I cried at was: Lion King, Marley and Me58: Your hair color is: Brown with some blonde57: TV shows you watch: Shadowhunters, Avatar, Legend of Korra + many more56: Favorite web site: This blue hell, or youtube55: Your dream vacation: America54: The worst pain I was ever in was: When I broke my arm, that shit hurt53: How do you like your steak cooked: Well Done52: My room is: Messy, kind of51: My favorite celebrity is: I can’t choose don’t do me dirt like this50: Where would you like to be: America!49: Do you want children: IDK48: Ever been in love: Hah nooooo47: Who’s your best friend: Emma46: More guy friends or girl friends: Girl friends45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Sleeping44: One person that you wish you could see right now: My niece, Ella43: Do you have a 5 year plan: No, I don’t even know what I’m doing in 5 mins42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: No41: Have you pre-named your children: No40: Last person I got mad at: Myself, my friend Mia 39: I would like to move to: America38: I wish I was a professional: Sleeper[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: Chocolate36: Vehicle: IDK35: President: Mary, she was good34: State visited: i’M iRISH33: Cellphone provider: 332: Athlete: N O31: Actor: NO30: Actress:also no29: Singer: again no28: Band: I HAVE NO TALENTS OKAY27: Clothing store: Penneys26: Grocery store: Tesco25: TV show: Shadowhunters24: Movie: I don’t have a fave, don’t do me dirt23: Website: This blue hell, or youtube22: Animal: A Sugar Glider21: Theme park: ???20: Holiday: I’d like to go to America19: Sport to watch: Quidditch18: Sport to play: none lol17: Magazine: none16: Book: Harry Potter15: Day of the week: Saturday14: Beach: Loch Luch13: Concert attended: none12: Thing to cook: Pasta Bake11: Food: Curry10: Restaurant: Blue Ocean9: Radio station: Today FM8: Yankee candle scent: Lavender7: Perfume: Princess- Vera Wang6: Flower: Violet5: Color: Purple4: Talk show host:Ryan Tubridy3: Comedian: Darragh O’Brien2: Dog breed: A Newfie!! We used to breed Newfoundlands!!1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Yes (kind of)
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