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obeyme-kaidii-writes · 3 years

Text

Together (1/2)

Mammon x gn!MC

Words - 5985 (total)

Content warnings - HEAVY angst, tw: suicidal thoughts, happy ending w/ lots of cuddles

Prompt/Inspiration - self-indulgent comfort piece

Summary - Your year in the Devildom has come to an end, and now you are struggling to adjust back to life in the human realm. Meanwhile, Mammon is also struggling to adjust to your absence.

AO3 | PART TWO

***READ THE CONTENT WARNINGS***

It had been 3 months since you had returned to the human realm and left the Devildom. And things had been...rough.

In the course of one year, everything had changed for you. You had found love. Found a family. A place to call home.

And even though you would have given anything not to, you still had to go back where you had come from. You had pleaded with Diavolo to allow you to stay, but he insisted that you needed to return, at least for the time being. The whole point of the exchange program after all was to encourage harmony between realms, and that can’t exactly be accomplished if you never return.

To say you missed everyone would have been an understatement. It was harder than you could have imagined to leave behind the one place you finally felt like you belonged. And there was one demon in particular that you were having the hardest time adjusting to being away from - Mammon.

He had been your constant companion during your stay. And even though you both butted heads at first, you grew to love one another and quickly became inseparable. Everything you did, you did together - and that included any number of schemes Mammon tried to carry out. Chaos followed you wherever you went, but so did laughter and joy. It didn’t matter if you both got caught, that time together was priceless to you.

But now you were home, and you had never felt more alone. Depression wasn’t new to you however, so you were prepared for how to care for yourself and make do. You just hoped that you didn’t have to limp along for very long.

Texting Mammon was probably the only thing that kept you afloat most days. And today was no exception. You knew he had been having a rough time too, but he was still your rock and never failed to make you smile.

While you were laying in bed, mindlessly scrolling through social media, looking for memes to send to your favorite demon, your DDD chimed. Checking the notification you realized it was none other than Mammon.

>>Mammon - I love you >>You - I love you too 😘 >>You - what have you been doing today? >>Mammon - I dunno. Just hanging out in my room I guess. >>Mammon - I miss you >>You - I miss you too ❤️❤️❤️ >>You - why don’t you see what Asmo is doing? Maybe you could go to The Fall? >>Mammon - nah. Don’t really feel like it. >>Mammon - what about you? >>You - same old, same old lol >>You - just looking for memes 🙃 >>Mammon - Any good ones? >>You - not yet lol >>Mammon - I really miss you :( >>You - I know. Me too. >>Mammon - everything is so boring with you gone. >>Mammon - nothing is as fun without you. >>You - I know what you mean. I wish you could be here. >>Mammon - that would be nice. I’d never leave. >>You - good. I wouldn’t want you to. 😘 >>You - so...about last night… >>Mammon - yeah? >>You - you were actually upset that I didn’t call, weren’t you? >>Mammon - ….

>>You - Levi told me. He said he heard you sniffling when he got up to get some snacks. >>Mammon - oh >>You - why didn’t you say anything? >>Mammon - I didn’t wanna manipulate you. >>You - manipulate me? Lol Mammon it’s just a phone call >>Mammon - yeah but you said you were tired >>You - I would have called if I knew you were that upset. >>Mammon - I just didn’t want ya to feel pressured. >>You - it’s fine. It’s a phone call. Not like you’re asking for nudes. 😜 >>You - will you promise to tell me in the future? If you really need to talk? Let me decide if it’s too much for me to handle, ok? >>Mammon - ok

You couldn’t put your finger on it, but something felt...off...about this conversation. As wonderful as Mammon was to you, he was still the Avatar of Greed - so holding himself back wasn’t something he usually did. Especially not for something as trivial as a phone call. Why was he suddenly acting like a phone call would be such a burden to you?

>>You - I can’t physically cuddle with you, so at least let me be there for you over the phone. ❤️ >>Mammon - I love you >>You - I love you too babe 😘 >>You - you believe me don’t you? >>Mammon - lol yeah >>You - good. >>You - you better not forget it. >>Mammon - it’s just hard sometimes >>You - what is? >>Mammon - being away from you. >>Mammon - didn’t realize it was gonna be this hard >>You - yeah >>You - you ok? >>Mammon - I dunno. Just tired. >>You - 😘 >>You - you’re supposed to be coming for a visit soon, right? >>Mammon - yeah Lucifer said we’d take a trip, dunno when tho >>You - well I can’t wait to see you again. >>Mammon - me too. >>Mammon - I’m just so sick of all this. >>Mammon - I miss ya too much. >>Mammon - everything else is just...idk >>Mammon - I just want to hide in my room honestly and not have to deal with everyone else

The longer you talked with Mammon, the more sure you became that something was wrong. You wanted to ask him, but you weren’t even sure what to ask. It was like...everything he said echoed perfectly how you had been feeling. Withdrawn, lonely, isolated.

You were a very empathetic person by nature, but this just felt too real, too close to home. You weren’t even needing to imagine yourself in his position, because it was the very same position you were in.

As that thought occurred to you, a chill went down your spine.

It couldn’t be? Could it? He’s never said anything like that before. But…

You picked up your DDD again and scrolled back through your messages. You considered texting him and just asking him directly, but you didn’t want to put ideas into his head that weren’t already there. On the other hand, you’d never forgive yourself if something truly was wrong and you ignored this sinking feeling in your gut. So you decided the only thing for you to do was to say something.

>>You - sorry if this sounds weird or dramatic >>You - it’s just hard to tell since I can’t see you right now >>You - and I’d rather be safe than sorry >>You - can you promise me something? >>Mammon - what?

Your hands were shaking now, and you could feel your heart beating rapidly in your chest. Please, please let me be wrong , you thought.

>>You - if you feel suicidal, will you please get help? >>You - go to someone. Anyone. Levi would probably be good. He’s always there you know? >>You - I just have this feeling >>You - and I can’t shake it >>You - so will you promise me?

You saw the little indicator pop up letting you know Mammon was typing. But then it would stop. Only to return a few moments later. Your anxiety had become overwhelming by this point and you crawled out of bed and started pacing around the room, checking your DDD every 5 seconds to see if he had sent a message through yet.

The longer it took for him to reply, the tighter you felt your chest get, and the more your heart rate accelerated. You were in full “fight or flight” mode now, and the “fight” was making your thoughts race as you tried to figure out what to do next. Should you call Lucifer? One of his brothers? You just needed someone to check on him.

>>Mammon - I ummm >>Mammon - I don’t know if I can promise that >>Mammon - just the thought of it makes me feel sick >>Mammon - and like Lucifer would take me seriously >>Mammon - ha

By now, the only sound you could hear was the pounding of your own heartbeat in your ears. You were hardly aware of your own surroundings anymore, and there was only one thought on your mind.

I have to get to Mammon.

How could you do that though? Getting permission from Diavolo or Lucifer would take awhile. And how would you even explain that anyways without violating Mammon’s trust? Maybe Solomon could help? You had no idea how long it would take him to get back to you, but it was worth a shot. You knew he’d be the least likely to ask questions too. All you needed now was to buy yourself some time.

RING RING RING

“Mammon?”

“Hey.”

“Hey babe. How are you feeling?”

“I dunno. Just tired.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s been hard for me to get out of bed some days.”

“You too huh?”

You knew he had been feeling bad, but you were not prepared for just how...lifeless...his voice sounded right now over the phone. Suddenly you heard a DING and realized Solomon had gotten back to you, so you switched your call to speakerphone so you could continue talking to Mammon.

“I love you.”

“I love ya too.”

“I wish I could see you right now. I could use a hug.”

“Me too.”

>>Solomon - I haven’t heard from you in awhile. >>Solomon - Is everything ok? >>You - yeah, I was just wondering if it was possible to go visit Mammon. >>Solomon - you mean with a spell? >>You - yeah. I just miss him you know? And I’d like to surprise him.

“You know I’d miss you a lot if you were ever gone, right?”

“....yeah.”

“It’s true. I can’t wait to see you again.”

>>Solomon - Well, theoretically yes it is possible. >>You - but? >>Solomon - but doing so would take an immense amount of power. Something you don’t have. >>You - oh. Right. Duh. >>Solomon - what about summoning him? >>Solomon - that’s much easier to do.

“Me too. I just want to hold ya and kiss ya. I miss that.”

“I know. I want to snuggle with you too.”

“Yeah…”

“Maybe we could go somewhere you know? Just the two of us.”

>>You - how do I do that? >>Solomon - Do you remember the spell I taught you to summon Asmodeus? >>You - yeah >>Solomon - it’s the same one. Just summon Mammon instead. >>You - and that will work between realms? >>Solomon - it should. >>Solomon - since you have such a strong connection to him it will make it easier.

“I dunno know if Lucifer would allow that.”

“I bet he would if I asked.”

“Ha, maybe. He does seem soft on ya.”

“Of course he is. I’m just so sweet and innocent you know. Hard not to be charmed by me.”

“Riiiight. Not sure I’d call ya innocent. Sweet maybe.”

“Hey babe, I need to go for a bit so I can go to the bathroom. But I’ll call you right back ok?”

“Ok.”

“I love you!”

“I love you too.”

If Solomon was correct, even with your limited magical abilities, you shouldn’t have any trouble at all calling Mammon to you. You hadn’t tried to use your pacts before, but you were willing to try anything right now. So you began chanting the spell:

“HEAR ME DENIZENS OF DARKNESS! You who are born of shadow, and you who give birth to it. Hear me and do as I command!”

You felt as the magical energy began to gather around you, making your hair stand on end. It was working.

“I, MC, call upon you to send forth one of your number!

I summon the Avatar of Greed, MAMMON!”

The walls of your room began to shake, the windows rattled, when a bright flash of light filled the room. You brought your arm up to cover your eyes and hoped against hope that when you opened them again your demon would be there in front of you.

And he was.

Sitting on the ground, holding himself upright with his arms, was a very disoriented looking Mammon. His hair was a disheveled mess, his clothes looked like they hadn’t been changed in a couple days, and you could still see fresh tears falling down his cheeks.

“MAMMON!”

You rushed forward, without wasting another moment, and tackled him into the tightest hug you could manage. You buried your face into his neck, while you straddled his lap, crying in relief.

Mammon had no idea what to do. One moment he had been in his room, wishing he could see you, and the next he was in a strange place with someone who looked an awful lot like you hugging him and calling his name. But it couldn’t really be you, could it? Hesitantly, he sat up so he could bring his arms around you, fearful that when he touched you you would be gone.

But you weren’t. Your body felt warm against his. He could hear your heartbeat. He could feel your tears, soaking through his shirt. As he tightened his arms around you, he realized he could even smell your favorite shampoo, and that was all it took to undo the last bit of self control he had. He pulled you as close as he could get you, one hand around your waist, the other around your torso, gripping your shoulder.

And he cried. All the tears that he had been trying to fight off. All the ones he avoided having shed up until now. He cried them all. His throat burned and ached, and he was pretty sure he was getting snot all over you by now, but neither one of you cared. You simply clung to one another, determined to never let the other go.

After what seemed like hours, your tears had finally run dry, and your heart rate was slowly returning to normal. You could still feel the adrenaline in your veins, and figured that probably wasn’t going to go away anytime soon.

You pulled back a little to try to get a look at Mammon, and when he kept trying to avoid your gaze, you took his face gently in your hands and turned him to look at you. Those beautiful sapphire eyes. They were still damp with tears, and you tenderly wiped them away as they fell while you looked at him.

“I love you, Mammon,” was all you said before pressing a kiss to his lips. Soft, and comforting, and gentle. You wanted him to know how much he meant to you. You felt him try to pull you even closer by the waist, and smiled as you broke away to look at him again.

“I missed you, you know.”

“But...how…?” Mammon was starting to become aware of the fact that this was reality, and he was most definitely no longer in the Devildom.

“Solomon. Don’t worry. I didn’t tell him anything. Just that I wanted to see you,” you pressed a sweet kiss to the tip of his nose, causing him to smile.

“So all that about going to the bathroom…?”

“Oh ha. That was just me summoning you.”

Mammon pulled you closer, and you wrapped your arms around his neck once more. He really was here. You had him again.

“Hey, why don’t we go take a bath?” you asked.

“A bath?”

“Yeah. I love you babe, but your hair kinda looks gross right now.”

“Oh,” he chuckled softly into your shoulder. He really couldn’t argue with that. It had been a few days since he had showered. Since he got out of bed even, besides quick trips to the bathroom.

“Come on,” you said, kissing him on the cheek before standing and helping him up, “Let’s get cleaned up and relax.”

Taking your hand, Mammon followed behind you as you led the way to the bathroom. This sort of thing would normally make him a flustered, blushing mess. But right now all he could think about was how amazing you were, and how good it would feel to hold you again. It had been so, so long since he had felt your skin against his. And he was desperate for your touch.

————

Reclining in the tub, Mammon leaned back against your chest, his eyes closed as he focused on the sensation of your hands just stroking his arms and shoulders. Occasionally he’d feel your lips on his neck, as you peppered him with kisses. It was the most relaxed he had been in months, and he was on the verge of falling asleep at any moment.

Everything was just so peaceful. It was like all that anxiety, and loneliness, and fear from before had never happened. Like it was some sort of bad dream that he had finally managed to awaken from. He was now safe in your arms, right where he belonged.

You watched as a soft smile spread across Mammon’s face, the sight of which made your heart warm. You were so incredibly thankful that you had made it in time. If things had taken longer...if Solomon hadn’t replied to his messages...you didn’t want to even think about that. It was too close for comfort for you.

But now that he was here, you were determined to wash away all his worries. You knew it would take time of course, you knew that better than anyone, but at least you were together now and the stress of your separation wouldn’t be adding to his pain. Now you could just reach out and touch him when you needed some reassurance. And he could hold you close when he felt alone.

You knew by the time morning rolled around, Lucifer would have noticed Mammon’s absence. You wondered how long it would actually take him to figure out he was with you. Once he did find out, you were sure you would be in for a long lecture, but you didn’t care. He could yell and threaten you all he wanted. It wouldn’t make a difference to you. You had Mammon with you again. And this time, you weren’t letting him go.

MAMMON’S POV IN PART TWO

#gn!mc #happy endings #tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: suicide #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me mammon #mammon x mc #obey me fanfic #obey me angst #obey me comfort #mammon fanfic #mammon angst #mammon comfort

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evanstanhoney · 5 years

Text

Meds.

a/n: a few things. I hardly ever write non-au Shawn because...well idk why but I felt like it was necessary with this. Also, this is probably the most personal thing I will ever post here. Bipolar disorder is a fucking asshole and even if you don’t suffer from it I hope you can enjoy this anyway!

summary: you think you're doing okay, but eventually the facade shatters and shawn is there to help you pick up the pieces

⚠️warnings: mentions/insinuations of anxiety and depression/bipolar disorder

word count: 1.9k

Things were always a little harder when he was away. It was necessary and you understood that. You never wanted to be the clingy girlfriend that couldn’t function without their significant other within arms reach, but it was still hard. There were phone calls and text messages and Facetimes scheduled even a few trips planned within the months he was away. But it was still pretty rough.

This time was different though.

You’re not sure what it was if you had more things to distract yourself with or the fact that you had one trip more planned to fly out to see him than your usual, but you were feeling much better. The first few days of him being away were usually pretty rough, rougher than they should be. It’s just that you would always get so used to having him around so often that when he wasn’t there it was strange. But now? Going on day one without him with you, it felt like nothing had changed.

“Shawn!” you smile into the phone answering on the first ring.

“Hey Honey, how are you?”

“Good! I’m good, I got a bunch done today. Finally.”

“Yeah? That's good. I miss you already. It was weird not being kicked awake this morning.” He jokes and you can hear that smirk on his face. You were a mover in your sleep and he had gotten used to waking up at all hours of the night to you rolling around in the sheets taking the covers with you.

“I miss you too. But you're having fun right?”

“Yeah, yeah I -” He wasn’t expecting this from you. Usually, that first phone call after he’d left was a somber one. Of course, you would try your best conceal it from him but he could always hear how hurt you were. But you sounded...fine. Happy even. And as fucked up as it sounds, the happiness in your voice made his heart twist a bit in his chest. Because it wasn’t just happy he could hear, it was euphoria. You rambled on more about your day, and you slipped in a few ‘I wish you were here’s’ before he interrupted you mid-sentence.

“Honey.”

“Yeah?” you asked through a smile.

“Are you - have you been taking your meds?” The line goes quiet for what feels like a whole minute and he has his answer right there.

“That’s none of your business.” you snap, voice laced with venom. You don’t mean for it to come out as harsh as it does, but you were also pissed.

“Honey -”

“Why would you even ask me that?”

He curses himself running a hand through his hair. He really didn’t have a right to ask. It was your business but that didn’t stop his worrying. And by the sounds of it, he had every right to worry.

“I just want you to be okay baby, that’s all.”

“Well, I’m doing fine. Thank you for your concern.”

“I didn’t mean to -”

“Goodnight Shawn.” You hung up the phone after that before he even got the chance to apologize.

....

The next time you spoke it was like that first phone call had never happened. And you were more than okay with that because this time you were far from okay. This time you found yourself with your arms wrapped around your knees while you sat on your bathroom floor, in the dark and the only thing you can feel the cool tiles against your skin.

“Shawn,” you say into the phone, voice cracking. You didn’t even try to hide it, you were too much of a wreck to care, and you didn’t even know why. A few days ago you were fine, and things were looking good considering Shawn being away for the first time in a while, but then all of a sudden you were hit by a wave of something you couldn’t quite explain, but it left a hole in your chest, and it made it hard to breathe, everything just went dark. You had convinced yourself that everything was just...wrong. You were a fuck-up, Shawn didn’t love you, and there was just no point in anything anymore. You felt guilty about calling, but you just needed to hear his voice, as shitty as you felt, as much as you had convinced yourself that he hated you, you just wanted to hear his voice.

“Honey.” He sighs into the phone, and you can hear hum excuse himself, the noise in the background getting quieter. He looks down at his phone and checks the time, “Baby its three in the morning there, you should be in bed.”

“I know I just. Do you love me?” you sniffle, whipping at your eyes.

“Of course I do.”

“Even though I’m fucked up?”

“Honey. Your not- there’s nothing wrong with you.” He says softly. He’s had this conversation with you only a few times, and each time it broke his heart. He knew that when you were in one of these moods when you were stuck in your head there was nothing that he could do to get you out of it. All he could do was comfort you the best way that he could until whatever it was you were feeling just faded away. And being thousands of miles away this time, made everything thousand times worse.

“Yes, there is Shawn. I’m fucking broken and I’m a mess.” you hiccup into the phone, and suddenly it becomes harder to breathe. “I’m sorry you have to deal with my shit, Shawn. I’m so so so sorry.”

“Hey, I need you to breathe for me, okay?”

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. Hey, listen to me. You’re okay, yeah? We’re alright.” He takes a few deep breaths instructing you to follow along with him and you do, eventually being able to breathe again on your own.

“There you go.” He says finally hearing your breathing go back to normal and he relaxes a bit himself.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper into the phone. You feel calmer, but the tears still haven’t stopped.

“No, there’s nothing to be sorry about.” he assures, “Can you do something for me?”

“Yeah.”

“Make yourself a cup of tea and go put your blanket in the dryer for a minute. You know the one?”

“Yeah.” you sniff

“Go put it in the dryer for a few minutes and then try to get some sleep, okay?” It was something that he did for you the first time he’d seen you this upset. Put a blanket in the dryer to warm it up and wrapped it around you. Something about it grounded you and made you feel safe. You’d done it a few times yourself when he was away, and you were particularly lonely. It always managed to calm you down.

“I want to talk to you though.” you pout into the phone, hoping that it’ll convince him to stay on the line with you. And as much as he wants to, he knows that you just need to sleep it off for a while.

“I know you do but you need sleep more baby. You can call me as soon as you wake up. I’ll answer on the first ring I promise.”

“Okay.”

“I love you.” He says into the phone with more conviction than he ever has.

“I love you too.”

You hang up and his heartbreaks. He feels so helpless. He wants to help you but he knows that there's nothing that he can do. Your in a battle with your own mind and all he can do is tell you that he’s there for you and hope that your taking care of yourself. And by the conversations, you’ve had the last few days. He knows that your not. You're not taking your meds. And he can't do anything about it.

.....

The following week he finally has a few days off in his schedule and he’s booking tickets immediately flying home to you. It wasn’t planned, and it would only be for three days, two if you take travel into account and to most people the trip wouldn’t be worth it, but he needed to get to you even if it were just for a few days.

“Honey can we talk.” He asks from his spot on the couch. You finished fidgeting with the Blue-ray player, turning to him with a smile.

“Yeah.”

He extends his hand out to you and which you gladly accept. He pulls you into his side, and you instinctively lay your head on his shoulder, lacing your fingers together. He doesn’t even know how to begin the conversation, too afraid it’ll end in a fight. But he doesn’t know what else he can do, he can’t stand to see you hurting like you have been, even though he knows you’ve been putting on a brave face, he can see the cracks and he just wants to help put you back together again.

“I know that it’s none of my business, and I don’t have a right but -”

“I’m okay Shawn,” you whisper.

“Baby you called me at 3 o’clock in the morning in tears.” you look down at your fingers intertwined with his. “I know you're not taking your meds. And I know it’s none of my business, but honey you’re not okay.”

“I was doing fine though.”

“I know you were.” He sighs placing a soft kiss to the top of your head, “But that doesn’t mean you can stop taking them. They’re there to help.”

“I just don’t want to have to take pills to be normal. I’m tired of being the crazy girlfriend.” It was a thought you had often, feeling guilty that Shawn had to deal with your ‘meltdowns’ every so often. Hating that you had to take pills to be able to function like he could. Wishing that your brain would just….work. That it didn’t play tricks on you, and that you just could be happy without it meaning that something was possibly wrong.

“Hey, you're not crazy. Don’t say that. You’re just wired differently that's all.” You don’t say anything, just not and nuzzle in closer to him. “I love you, Honey. No matter what.”

“I love you too.”

.....

After your talk you decided it was best you start back on your medication, and after a week, your back to your normal self. Well, stable self. It’s strange, at first. Looking back and realizing just how bad off you were without them, and part of you is worried that something else will happen that will trigger something again. But you were doing better, and for now, that was okay. You had to keep reminding yourself that it was one day at a time.

Shawn had arranged for you to fly out to stay with him for a few shows, it was tricky with work, and you had to send a few schmoozy emails to your professors to get them to excuse you, but it was worth it. You needed it. He needed it. After what happened, he just wanted to be near you, to make sure you were okay, and yeah it may have been wrong, to want to keep an eye on you, but he didn’t know what else to do. And well, you loved seeing him on stage, nothing made you happier than watching the smile on his face while he performed.

“You were amazing up there tonight babe. As always.” You say snuggling up to him in bed, laying your head on his chest.

“Thank you.” He chuckles, laying a kiss to your forehead. There’s a moment of comfortable silence between you for a moment before he decides to speak up again, “How you feeling?”

“Perfect.” you sigh placing a kiss to his chest, “Just perfect.”

masterlist // tell me what you think? // requests? // wattpad // ao3

Tag List: @outlandishnerd @justanotherfangurl272 @itrocksmysocks @turtoix

#my writing #shawn mendes fic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes writing #shawn mendes angst #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes x reader #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes prompts #shawn mendes concepts #shawn mendes au #shawn mendes aus #tw: anxiety

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lizzieraindrops · 4 years

Text

Your chance to make the sun rise thrice (Chapter 2)

a river that still runs (8803 words)

Beth Childs has come to Helsinki to meet her best friend Veera for the first time in the Herbs on the windowsill universe, an alternate timeline where the original Helsinki massacre was prevented and DYAD routed by Clone Club Alpha’s successful publicity stunt back in 2001. Veera Suominen and Niki Lintula survived and decided to live in a little apartment together as qpp’s. Numerous Leda clones worldwide are now in contact via a secure online network that Veera maintains.

Note: This chapter is a bit heavier than the rest of the AU. Beth is still struggling with a lot of the same challenges in this universe, even if the events causing them are somewhat different because of such early canon divergence. But the whole point of this story is that things can end up okay no matter how rough it's been. She's getting the help she needs and she's gonna be alright. That said, warning for soft discussion of past abuse, the effects of trauma, depression and anxiety, and some suicidal ideation. And of course, lots of love and learning how to heal, with support from her best friend.

Fun fact: Veera's username is 3mika, and she always sets her font to the precise warm turquoise of hex color #2299aa. She thinks she's hilarious, and she's right.

Also on AO3 | Playlist | Aesthetic sideblog

Part 1: Herbs on the windowsill

Part 2: Someday colors

Part 3: Your chance to make the sun rise thrice | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

***

Beth wakes on a squashy couch that isn't hers. Morning-soft sunlight pours through the window above her, bouncing back off the walls to fill even the shady corners with a warm secondhand glow. Her limbs are soft, splayed under unfamiliar blankets and sinking into the cushions. She doesn't move yet.

The apartment. Helsinki. Beth's really here. She holds herself still, letting the truth sink into her. She half expects the usual anxious tension to clench her into a ball the instant she moves a muscle, but it isn't there. Neither is the invisible weight that so often pins her immobile. She still wakes frequently with both of them holding her body hostage, keeping her muscles unmoving but restless, even in sleep. Right now though, they're gone. She just lies there, soft beneath the window.

It's quiet but not silent. The occasional car on the little road outside chuckles as it passes. A soft rush of water echoes through pipes in the walls, running toward an early riser in another unit. These sounds fall strangely on Beth's Toronto-bred ears, isolated in the stillness of this of this little apartment on the outskirts of the city. Still, the early-morning atmosphere settles comfortably into her jet-lagged bones, murmuring a rhythm for her to sink into. The temporal upheaval of a transcontinental red-eye and a series of exhausted naps yesterday have left her a little unbalanced. And yet, here she is waking up with the day, and the ground under her feels so much more stable than she’s used to.

Beth breaks her stillness with a deep, deep breath that she can feel expanding all the way down to her feet. She stretches, too, but soon pulls the toes that get exposed back underneath the warm, scratchy blanket. The cushions of the old couch creak a little in complaint as she shifts, but her limbs remain supple. For a time, she just observes the sensations. Then, her awareness spreads beyond the couch and the window to the rest of the room.

All around her, an oddly blocky pattern covers the walls. It's one of the first things she noticed when she walked into the apartment yesterday afternoon. The pattern isn't wallpaper like it appears at first glance, but actually a multitude of small photographs. Most of them are unframed, but taped up in crisply aligned rows. In them, she sees the same face infused with a hundred different lives. Just above her, a sleeping, slack-jawed redhead with bulky headphones around her neck sprawls on the very same couch Beth's laying on now. A few rows down, a brunette and a blonde with their long hair in matching wild waves are leaning all over each other and grinning like devils. One of the few framed photos shows a girl with a hospital-short buzz cut and a delighted expression, sitting in front of what looks like a mouthwatering strawberry shortcake. Beth can see at least six others in the background behind strawberry girl. Among them are Mika with her unmistakable scars and Niki with her bright blonde hair, their arms around each other's shoulders.

Morning light glances off the glossy surfaces of the photos on the west wall. The particularly bright reflection off one of the framed photos draws Beth's eye. With a tiny jolt, Beth recognizes one of her own selfies beneath the glass. In it, she's wearing the same old turquoise blue sweatshirt that's spilling out of her suitcase next to the couch right now. Underneath it, she's wearing her track gear, so the photo is at least two years old. She'd had to quit cross-country so she could try to get the shitshow her life had become under control. She vaguely recalls sending it to Mika a long time ago. It's strange to think that her presence has been in this apartment for so long.

She's here. In Finland. Staying with Mika – Mika - and Niki. Far, far away from everything.

Sprawling on the couch she slept on with a sigh as if she hadn’t a care in the world, Beth can't believe she's really gone and done it. She's run so far away that there's an ocean between her and her problems. It’s so much better than she's dreamed, even if it's only for a little while. It’s worth it, even though she'll be going back far too soon. For the first time in years, it feels like she’s where she’s supposed to be right now.

It had all started out as foolish idea she'd floated one Saturday morning, months ago. She hadn't been serious at all. She'd woken up so relieved at not having to get up and go to work, until she remembered her weekly therapy appointment with a hopeless groan.

Putting off the genuinely daunting prospect of hauling herself out of bed, she reached out to snag her phone from on top of her dresser, checking to see if she'd heard from Mika overnight. After all, Helsinki was nine hours ahead, so Mika had already seen most of the day that was just beginning for Beth. They talked so often these days, since they'd first made contact over two years ago. Rarely a day passed without touching base. But there wasn’t anything since Beth had checked last night. She took it upon herself to send the first message of the day.

runwaterblue: god, i dont wanna get up and deal with any of thsi shit today

After her world fell apart, after finding out about Project Leda, after realizing that all her nightmares and more were real, after her father...

runwaterblue: wish i could come visit u and get away form everything for awhile

Mika replied almost immediately.

3mika: you can

It was evening in her time zone, but to be honest, Beth had no idea if she had anything resembling a regular sleep schedule. The girl was always online.

3mika: though you really should go to your appointment. you always feel better afterward

runwaterblue: howd you know i have therapy today

3mika: you always have an appointment saturday afternoons

runwaterblue: yes but how do you remember that? i cant evne remember my own appts lmao

3mika: you mentioned it months ago when you switched from sundays to saturdays

Beth shook her head with a smile. Mika was so good with details.

3mika: anyway. you’re welcome here, if you can get here

3mika: it would be great to see you

3mika: Niki wouldn't mind. we've had a bunch of Ledas visit us here, it's always fun

3mika: except that one time Dani and Ary got into a fight over football. some French-Italian team rivalry thing. that was not fun.

Beth laughed. It was funny how Mika was so good at making her do that, even on days like these. She leaned back against her pillow and held her phone over her head without sitting up, being careful not to drop it on her own face. She'd done that before. More times than she'd admit.

runwaterblue: i was kidding. id love to visit, but idk how id get there

runwaterblue: u should see the americans go off abt their football lmao. they're nerly as bad as the hockey freaks here

3mika: pls no

3mika: no more sports. it was a year ago and I’m still exhausted

3mika: sports are banned in this apartment.

Beth snorted. Mika wanted nothing to do with sports of any kind, and with Beth's athletic record, the topic had become a point of mutual teasing between them.

In so many ways, they were such different people, DNA be damned. Mika was reticent where Beth was outgoing. (Or at least, Beth had been. She was never quite sure how to think of herself these days.) Clone drama aside, Beth had been a pretty average Canadian high schooler. She got reasonable grades, played a few sports, and kept mostly out of trouble because there would be hell to pay if she didn’t. Mika was a brilliant homeschooled autistic orphan who had been raised in near isolation by her guardian after surviving the hospital fire that marked her skin for life. Beth mostly listened to pop music, and where no one else could hear, the occasional classical symphony. Mika held fast to Finland's weird obsession with death metal and dabbled in literally everything else.

And yet, Mika understands Beth like no one else does. And it's not just because they've both been through all this Project Leda bullshit. Though Beth doesn't know what she would have done without Mika to help her through that, too.

Beth won't ever be able to forget the moment that everything changed. Recognizing a her own face from the mirror on the evening news stopped her in her tracks, as something in her gut caved in with the hollow certainty that it wasn't her. Then face after face flickered before her, a flipbook barrage of déja vu. Blonde and smiling. Scarred and pensive. Braids and piercings and a rakish grin. Beth was rooted in place as people she had never been wearing things she had never worn said things she was never supposed to know.

That utter strangeness on the screen immediately seeped into her life like an oil slick into a river, tainting every thing she thought she knew with clinging uncertainty. Her father was inexplicably even more upset about it than Beth was, yet adamant that they shouldn't look into the matter. But it was already too late to stop herself from thinking. With slow horror, the truth of what exactly his behavior must mean dawned on her. And yet, even with the desperate growing certainty about who her Leda monitor must be, it was hard to believe that he could be anything other than her plain stern father.

He was always a bit strict and overprotective - probably well more than a bit, she realizes these days. But she’d thought that's just what it was like to be a cop's daughter. He'd never done anything really extreme, nothing beyond the firm discipline any kid could expect. He was just not a man to be trifled with, that was all. So until everything she thought she knew shifted that day and threatened to topple every assumption she’d built her life on, she had never truly dared to cross him.

Outright daring him to say to her face that he wasn't her monitor was probably considered a step beyond trifling. He did not take it kindly.

Two months later, Beth and her mother were living in an apartment on the opposite side of the city. It took two months for the two of them to lay plans to leave together, for good. For two months, her every move was watched. She spent two months knowing there would be hell to pay if she didn't give the performance of a lifetime pretending everything was fine, even while sirens blared inside her day and night. Two months was more than enough to teach her things she never wanted to know about the hidden marks fear leaves on the body.

Even after she finally escaped, her life was in tatters and nothing made sense. It wasn’t just the sudden jarring discovery of Project Leda, or the crisis it had forced her to confront. It was learning that, deep down, she had known that she’d never once felt free. She’d unconsciously kept herself from knowing to avoid exactly that conflict of wills that she’d known she would lose.

Trying to come to terms with what had happened and how it changed everything, Beth was continuously losing her balance. Questioning which parts of her life had been screwed over by her father and which by being part of some ridiculous supervillain science experiment was like trying to stand on two kickboards in a pool. She couldn't find her footing, and all she could do was try and stay afloat. She had to repeat her whole junior year of high school that she lost to this shitshow, while starting over at a new school, and only barely scraped her way into senior year. Now that she knew how honestly terrible she'd been at judging who in her life she could trust, it was as hard to talk to old friends as it was to make new ones.

Therapy helped her start sorting out what she was feeling, and how the environment she’d grown up in was really not the healthiest. She hadn’t realized how much she’d learned to doubt her own perceptions. That made constructing any kind of new understanding of her situation an uphill struggle. And of course, her therapist couldn’t help her confirm anything about a human experiment that was so illegal it had been an international secret. As she continued to stumble forward, Beth even started doubting her former certainty of the identity of her Leda monitor. She questioned herself and everything she knew until she wanted to scream with frustration or weep with confusion. The floor of the counselor’s office could have been mopped with her tears. It was, quite literally, driving her mad.

So, finally, Beth had taken up the invitation on the banner of every Leda news feature to "Contact the secure, clone-run Clone Youth Group Network (CYGNet) for answers by emailing [email protected]."

She wanted something concrete that would help convince her brain to stop reenacting these head games that warped her reality. It still insisted on playing through the patterns it had been taught, even in its teacher’s absence. She needed something that could brace her against the ideas that she was really just paranoid, overreacting, accusing, that this was all her fault for making a big deal out of nothing. Even with his other faults (cruelties, her mind whispered) aside, at least his involvement with Project Leda was unforgivable, and she wanted proof of it. Maybe if she had that, she could stop being mad at herself for not wanting to forgive. And if anyone had that proof, CYGNet would.

Maybe it was just because of the sheer blunt honesty about her motives, or the inescapable vulnerability of the message Beth sent, but Mika had replied to her within a day. And she'd been so gentle about it, too, enough to make Beth later question where the stereotype of autistic brashness came from. Then again, over email, Mika had all the time she needed to compose her thoughts and lay them out as softly as she wanted. She didn't have to spit them out as fast as she could to keep pace with a quick and painfully overwhelming world.

Hi Beth Childs,

I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. I still don't know how they got away with doing things like this for so long. I suppose people will always find ways to be cruel. But we've survived this long, and the whole point of CYGNet is to help us all heal. The experimental network has been dismantled, and we are assembling resources to help us. We've brought mental health professionals on to the project to develop custom programs for our needs. We can make them available to you, if you are interested.

I attached scans of some of your files that we recovered from DYAD. There are a few case reports with the signature of the person you asked about, spaced throughout your lifetime. There are also financial records with his name in the list of paid employees. He was without a doubt part of the Leda monitor program. I can provide all of the documentation that we have related to you, if you like, but I thought that would be too much all at once. I know these are hard to look at, but I hope they help let your mind rest. They are very real, and every awful thing we have experienced was also real, no matter how they tried to convince everyone that we were making it all up.

Please take your time with these, and stay in contact if you want to. You can join our mailing list, if you want to know when we have new information or new resources available. We're here for you.

And hey, if you just want to talk to someone who knows what it's like to deal with all of this, I'm here, too. You can reach my personal inbox or IM me at [email protected]. It'll be okay.

-Veera

Beth had started crying before she even finished reading the letter, much less opened the attachments. She cried so often these days. She only knew why half the time. But this time, it felt like the tears were extracting some of her pain as they left her, instead of just overflowing from the unending wellspring of her directionless distress. All of this was real, and someone else knew it.

Though she was grateful beyond measure for her mother’s untiring support, they were each other’s too-close, ever-present reminders of what they’d survived, trying to act like they weren’t, trying to convince each other and themselves that they were okay. Beth had needed something else, too, something until now unnamed.

This was a handhold, a backstop Beth didn't know she'd been desperate to find. It wasn't just the confirmation of what she’d concluded about her father. The ability speak plainly to someone she didn't feel the need to pretend around was an exhale of a breath held too long. At least one person in the world not only understood, but really and truly didn't want or expect her to act like any of this was normal or okay, or that she would ever be the same again.

Veera – or Mika, as she often went by online – made good on her offer of a sympathetic ear. Their correspondence started off with awkward, grammatically correct messages about the less painful details of their lives. Mika told her about the farmer’s market three blocks away where she went walking early in the morning before it got busy, and the plant stand there that her best friend and roommate Niki (also a Leda) had to ask her to stop buying so many succulents from.

At first, Beth tried to chatter like she used to, but there were no safe subjects. What had happened had touched all of her life. Normally, she’d talk about school, or sports, or her friends. But she was trying to start all over again at a new school with all the struggles that came with it. She didn’t have the time or energy for sports anymore, and talking about them hurt, now. Running used to make her heart sing. But no matter how she tried, there was no joy in the motion anymore. To top it all off, it was as hard to connect with old friends from her old life as it was to try and make new ones. She spent most interactions either doubting her own character judgement or dreading the moment people recognized her Leda face from the news.

She didn’t know how to talk about any of it to anyone. Maybe she could have if it had been just the clone thing or just the dad thing. But the two were inextricably entangled, and she still couldn’t even explain it to herself. It was all unbelievably horrifying, and any time she tried to be honest about it, people ended up disbelieving or horrified. Shocker.

Maybe, though, it wouldn’t be weird to talk about it with Mika. Mika already knew the worst. Beth didn’t have to hide that hurt from her to keep from shaking her world, or to keep her dismissal from hurting Beth. Maybe that’s what was hurting the most: the feeling that even after escaping, she still had to pretend to be okay. That compulsive stifling feeling choked her whenever it bubbled back up. On her bad days, a simple “how are you?” could reduce her to a blank face plastered over a raw tangle of emotions held motionless her own iron grip.

But Mika mentioned having bad days, too. Days came where she was too scared and nightmare-weary to do anything but make herself some tea and soak up some sunlight in the safety of home. Beth could casually say things like after those two months, i still twitch every time i hear a door open, and i wish my body would quit feeling like it doesn’t exist, my legs feel numb. It barely broke the surface of what it was like in her head, but was discomfiting enough for people that she held her tongue at school.

Sometimes, Beth got tired of constantly thinking about all this shit and tried to lighten things up. On one comically disastrous occasion of cultural exchange, she liveblogged Mika her attempt at eating the infamous Scandinavian lutefisk, along with an audio recording of the incoherent horrified noises she made after tasting it. In return, she received a recording of someone, presumably Mika, laughing harder than she’d ever heard anyone laugh before. It made Beth smile. Not many things did, back then.

Slowly, as the formality fell away from their transcontinental conversations, their heavier stories seething below the surface seeped in. Beth had been in therapy long enough now to know that she couldn't just recklessly unload on people the way she did in counseling sessions. But a counselor couldn't always provide the same kind of unspoken solidarity that someone in the same boat could.

Bit by bit, slipped into the chats that were becoming a daily occurrence, they talked about monitors, about what the experiment had really all been for, why that both was and wasn’t important, and how they'd discovered they were a part of Project Leda. Putting words to the pain hurt, a lot. But the ability to lay out long-unspoken truths in front of each other, knowing they were believed in the way that only people who have shared something can, was a healing kind of pain instead of the festering one Beth had been living with.

The two of them had more in common than they'd thought, growing up a world apart. Beth's experience raised under the subconscious wariness of her father's hovering thumb felt a lot like what Mika described growing up largely isolated with her former guardian. But sometimes, whenever they realized that something they'd both thought was normal was pretty not, they got a good laugh out of it despite the weight of their pasts. Mika seemed somewhat accustomed to her normal being considered pretty weird, so she usually took the revelations in stride better than Beth did. Beth wouldn't find out for at least a year after meeting her that it was because of her Asperger's, since it was a topic Mika seemed quite sensitive about.

Mika explained it once, in a conversation full of long pauses on her part and watching the typing icon disappear and reappear on Beth’s. The way she put it, it just meant that her brain worked a bit differently than most people's, processing sounds and sights and all the information it took in at different speeds and with different emphases. The difference could turn everyday things like the sound of a refrigerator running into a splitting headache, or something as simple as the soft texture of her favorite jacket into a kind of bliss. That alternative way of processing also extended to things like words and emotions as well. Sometimes, it took her longer than the world was willing to wait to process them into something that made sense. It often made communication tricky, trying to compensate for the gap in mutual understanding with most people. The world and the people in it could be so overwhelming sometimes, so fast and bright and full of noise and uncertainty and bewilderingly arbitrary social conventions. But the biggest challenge was other people expecting her to do everything the same way they did, ignorant of the fact there were any ways to exist other than their own, and completely oblivious to the fact that she was already putting in at least twice as much effort to communicate with them as they were with her.

And yet, even coming from such a different perspective, Mika gets it. Beth says sometimes i dream of drowning and its not a nightmare and i wake up not knowing how to feel, and Mika says I still dream of burning and wake up not knowing which fires are real, and they both say yeah. And they sit there across the world from each other knowing these things, knowing that it doesn't fix anything. And yet, it does change something. Nothing's any better, really. But somehow, the knowledge that someone else understands makes it a little easier to bear.

And that's just it. Somehow, without ever even having seen her face, Mika sees Beth clearer than anyone. All of her, all the ugly parts she hides so that they can't hurt anyone, and all the good parts that she also hides so that nobody can hurt them or take them away from her. Mika sees all of that and then just tells Beth another story about the Northern Lights she sees on the regular. Apparently, in Finnish, they’re called "fox fires." Beth hardly ever sees the aurora, living relatively far south in a bright city. But her stories about life in the metropolis by the lake intrigue Mika as much as the tales of the twisting green lights do her. And Beth can talk about something lighter again while not having to pretend that the heaviness isn’t there, too, even while she’s just once more trying and failing to explain poutine. For her, the weight never really goes away. But the effort of pretending she’s not carrying it takes more out of her than the weight itself. Mika understands that.

Maybe that’s why Beth had talked it over with Mika first, even before her mom, when she was considering taking a gap year after she hopefully managed to finish her senior year of high school. (God, it was so hard to think about English or math or whatever when just that morning she’d woken from a nightmare about being back in a not-home house that she never escaped.) Beth's mom had been so unbelievably supportive of Beth's recovery, even while she herself was adjusting to the wrenching change in both of their lives. It was both inspiring and a little intimidating. If her mom managed to run a household and raise a daughter all on her own, even while trying to heal from her own trauma, how could Beth not do her utmost, too? She was grateful to be able to talk to Mika about it, to get a reality check from someone who both understood her situation intimately and didn't make Beth feel that pressure of expectation. In the end, Beth did decide to take a year or two off before considering college, and her mom was again nothing if not supportive. Beth figured, after this entire mess, she deserved some time to herself to work on sorting her shit out, and her mom agreed.

After graduating with reasonable if not flying colors, Beth worked a series of part-time and odd jobs that didn't stress her out too much, letting herself focus on her own healing. In between her mom's support, seeing a counselor regularly, and the security of having a friend she could really trust, Beth felt like she was making progress. Slow progress, sure, but progress, nonetheless. Considering that she had seventeen years' worth of lies to unbelieve and emotional trauma to finally acknowledge, Beth figured that there was only so much she could do in the three years she'd had.

Her days were still hard. Getting sleep and waking up and eating and even just existing were still so fucking hard sometimes, and it was horrible. Some days, the thinnest sheet trapped her in bed like it was a car pinning her down. It felt so stupid for such simple things to be so hard. But then her therapist would remind her that that’s what mental illness and trauma was, that this was what the wounds in her mind and heart made her feel like. And once in awhile, sun broke through the shadows, and she had a day that reminded her what an okay day felt like – that okay days existed. That more might.

Now, she’s here, lying in a bright living room so far from home, with her dearest friend in the next room. She’s comfortable, except for the knot in her neck from sleeping oddly on the couch. The soreness pales in comparison to the usual tensions that are so strangely absent. Beth can’t remember the last time she felt this okay. She’s not steeling herself to go to work. She’s not dreading the next conversation with her mother that goes quiet as they both remember awful things they don’t mention. She’s not bracing herself for the next time her brain runs rampant worrying about whether she’ll run into the subject of her restraining order somewhere in the city and have to wonder if he'll honor it.

None of that reaches her here. There’s something about this quiet little pocket of space. It’s overrun with a proliferation of potted plants, from the sprawling lacy-leafed monster in the corner, to the fern peeping out of the kitchen, to the vine cuttings spilling out of an oddly familiar leaf-shaped glass bottle on the sill. Sunlight streaks through leaves and windowpanes and across the colorful patchwork of rugs on the floor. In the midst of it all, Beth is held by a palpable aura of gentleness. It holds her so softly that she doesn't need to hold herself in. It's like the layer of caution that she always keeps wrapped between herself and the rest of the world has simply dissolved away. In this moment suspended in morning light, she is okay.

She feels safe.

The realization undoes something in her. She feels the tears starting, and she expects the taut tension of involuntary stifling that always comes with them to return. But it doesn’t. She lies still and soft on the couch with the water creeping over her cheeks, breath occasionally catching but flowing freely. She savors it in the quiet.

The soft thunk of an ill-fitted door opening breaks into her odd reverie. Mika’s up. Beth sniffs and scrubs at her eyes halfheartedly, but she can’t hide them right now and she doesn’t want to. Mika notices immediately, and comes trotting over with quiet steps, leaning forward all concern.

"Beth," she says softly. She shifts from foot to foot like a nervous cat, watching Beth with enormous eyes. Beth has never met anyone else with such an intense stare. Or maybe it's just the fact that Beth knows beyond all doubt that she's being looked at by somebody who really sees her in her entirety. It's like she's staring right into Beth's soul. But Mika was able to do that long before they saw each others' faces. They've shared so many thousands of words over screens and seas, so many emotions that have gone otherwise unspoken, so many too-early mornings and too-late nights on the fringes of each other's dawns and dusks.

“What’s wrong?”

Finally, a flash of that sick tension runs through Beth’s body. It’s been okay when Mika has asked that before, when it was just silent letters on a screen. But out loud, the question falls on her ears like every well-meaning inquiry she’s ever had to scramble to find an acceptable answer for. The strain begins to cinch tight around her again like coarse ropes across barely-healed skin, ready to compel her to replace the truth with something safer. Her arms and legs tied, she begins to freeze, railing against herself for tainting the softness, the safety of this place.

"Beth." Mika says again, softer but more urgent.

In the gap between thoughts created by hearing her name, Beth seizes the chance to redirect them to the present. She clings to the welling in the corners of her eyes, the warmth of the sun caressing her back. The leaves of trees whisper outside the third-floor window in a mild breeze. The brightness spills over the sill and across Mika’s asymmetrical, half-craggy face and lights up tufts of her short hair as she steps closer. The couch dips as Mika sits down next to her, tilting Beth toward her.

Without meeting her eyes, Mika lifts a hesitant hand that hovers in the air between them, uncertain yet reaching. Her gentle palm falls onto Beth's forearm as softly as a floating leaf. The fingers curl around Beth’s arm just below the wrist, firm but not tight. Comforting.

The softness surrounding Beth seeps back into her, saturating her. As the memory fades like a ripple into water, the tension slackens. But it leaves her shaky, with traces of a familiar ache in her neck muscles, one that goes deeper than the simple stiffness from the couch. She sucks in a few unsteady breaths while Mika gives her arm a gentle squeeze.

“Sorry,” Beth says in a small, awkward voice.

Mika tilts her head. “Why?”

“Uh, I didn’t mean to bring all – this mess, in here.” Beth rubs the back of her neck with her free hand. “It’s so... soft, and okay, and – I don’t wanna ruin it,” she says, trailing off into a mumble.

“Hey.” Mika moves her hand from Beth’s arm to her shoulder. When Beth looks at her, she’s looking right back. Mika's eyes dart down to the floor for a moment, but then return to hold Beth’s with deliberate steadiness. “It’s alright. It’s like this here because we wanted it to be safe to be messy. You’re not ruining anything.”

“... Oh.” She’s steadied by Mika’s fingers curling around her shoulder, by the tendrils of sunlight spreading across her head and back and arms. Mika’s voice is small but steady, and somehow it comes from the same throat that makes that huge pealing laugh. It’s so strange how they sound nothing alike. Until yesterday, Beth hadn’t heard her voice since the lutefisk incident. They’d mostly kept to text and pictures. It had seemed easier, the way it gave them both plenty time to think before they spoke through their different uncertainties. Beth was already planning her trip before they realized that they’d never actually called each other. By that point, it sounded like more fun to meet in person the old-fashioned way.

"I'll make you some tea." Mika abruptly stands and lets go of her. Beth is sad to lose the contact. She flits across the room toward the kitchen in her soft cotton pajama pants, complemented by yet another black graphic tee for yet another Scandinavian metal band Beth's never heard of. Or at least, she'd never heard of them before Mika, who has something to say about all of them, and now Beth knows more than she'll ever need to.

Mika moves in and out of view behind the half-wall that separates the little living room from the kitchen. The fronds of the fern on the counter make a green rustling as she brushes by them. It sends soft feathered shadows waving across the wall opposite the window. Beth hears the rush of water boiling out of sight, and soon sees steam rising from the mug that's being handed to her.

"It's hot," Mika says unnecessarily. She sits down next to her again, this time leaning into Beth with her arm. Beth’s glad for it.

"Have you ditched the bags and gone loose leaf?" Beth says, eyeing the fragments of bright green leaf free floating in her mug.

"It didn't come in a bag. It came from the window."

"The window?"

"It's basil tea. For the fear and pain. Five large fresh leaves in two hundred and fifty milliliters water. We grew it here."

Beth takes a cautious sip. It's surprisingly sweet, and the savory smell of the steam rising from it curls into her sinuses. The aching in her head and neck begin to relax. It's unfamiliar, but it feels like home should, just like everything else here.

"Thanks," Beth says. On an impulse of craving closeness, she leans her head onto Mika's shoulder with a sigh. The sensation of contact deepens as Mika leans against her, too.

Beth holds the cup close, fingers wrapping around its warmth. She takes another sip and gets a bit of leaf stuck in her teeth. The way she scrunches up her face trying to dislodge it pulls a tiny laugh out of Mika.

“You don’t have to be okay here,” Mika whispers. “You can just be. That’s what we do.”

Beth finds her eyes wet again, but she smiles while she sets her mug down and wipes them away. “Kinda already wish I could stay here,” she says with a chuckle.

“... That’s probably not impossible.”

“Really?” Beth asks wryly. “Not even twenty-four hours, and you’d already be willing to put up with me?”

“Twenty-four hours and twenty-seven months.”

Beth melts a little even while waving the idea aside. “I wasn’t serious.”

“I know, but... weren’t you looking at the school here?”

“I mean, yeah, but... really, my mom just thought I deserved a break to get away for a little while. She’d saved up a bit, and I didn’t want to make it a big deal or anything, but she really wanted me to. She knew I wanted to come see you. Checking out the school was mostly an excuse. I know it’s a great place, but... I don’t really think it’ll help with what I wanna do.”

“What do you want to do?”

Beth sighs and leans back, looking at the ceiling. Mika follows her so that they’re still shoulder to shoulder, and pulls her feet up to tuck them in cross-legged.

She flounders for a moment, trying to find where to begin. She hasn’t told anyone this yet.

“This Leda crap has been kind of awful, right? It’s screwed so many of us up. But there’s only, what, a few hundred of us? And that’s not the only reason things get messed up.” She swallows. Her eyes trace irregularities in the ceiling: a knot in an exposed wooden beam here, a sealed and repainted crack there. “Kids like me are a dime a dozen. There’s so many people out there going through hell, just because they got stuck with people who are hurting so much that they hurt other people. And then they go on and hurt more people. It’s a cycle that’s really fucking hard to break.”

Breaths that have become harsh force her to pause and let them lengthen again. A touch on her knee draws her eyes down to a hand resting on it palm up, offering. Beth takes it. Mika squeezes her fingers in reassurance.

“When I was little, I wanted to be a cop like my dad, did you know that?” Mika, eyes wide, shakes her head. “Yeah. That was always my plan. I used to think he was so brave. Wanted to be just like him.” She shudders. Mika grips her hand, steady. “Even if I could do it better than he did, the system is still full of people like him. It’s broken. I couldn’t – I can’t end up like that. I can’t keep being a part of this shit. I want to actually help people.

“I never thought about it before I met you, but the people you brought in to do therapy programs and all for CYGNet? They’re amazing. The stuff I’ve gotten from them has helped me so much. And I don’t know what I’d do without my regular therapist. These people really help people like me. Like all of us. Those are the kind of people I wanna be like.”

Beth’s voice drops and becomes small and secretive, but firm. “I’ve been looking at the social work programs at home. There’s some really good ones at the uni near where mom and I live now. And that’s the city where I grew up. I know how things work there. I know it won’t be easy, but. I could really... do stuff.”

Silence stretches. Beth looks at Mika, only to be completely thrown off by an expression she can’t make heads or tails of. “What?”

Mika’s face is blank yet soft, only barely hinting at her thoughts in the faintest crinkling of her eyes. It’s funny, how quiet her face is most of the time. Beth never would have guessed, going off her online impressions of her. Mika’s so expressive and eloquent with her written words. In person, she is much more subtle. But even after only a day spent around her, Beth is already starting to see how her movements speak volumes in a language of their own. The flickering of her hands flares to life with excitement. The casual shake of her head tosses her hair out of her eyes even when it’s not in the way, like she’s clearing the slate of her mind. And much like Beth these days, she goes very still and tense when she’s getting uncomfortable or overwhelmed, the way she did after a particularly loud whistle at the train station. It shows in her shoulders. They’re soft now though, and she just watches Beth and squeezes her hand once more.

“You’re really amazing, you know,” Mika says.

“Wh- huh?”

“Well.” She looks away and turns their hands over, but doesn’t let go. “After the awful things you’ve been through – nnnh! Don’t pretend,” she says, looking back sharply as Beth begins to protest that she didn’t have it that bad. Mika knows her so well. Beth can’t help but laugh a little. “After all that, you just want to help people. All I ever want to do is get away from them, most of the time.”

Beth quirks a brow at her with a bemused grin. “Really? Because setting up and running an organization that provides mental health resources and extremely important information to a few hundred people is a really shit way to not help people.”

“I never talk to most of them! And CYGNet only has one hundred and thirteen members, not hundreds.”

Beth rolls her eyes with an exaggerated motion. “Yeah, so, you’ve somehow convinced, what, a whole freaking third of a huge group of scared strangers to trust you?”

“A lot of that was Niki and the press team, she’s way better at talking to people th–”

“And you’ve been careful enough and clever enough to keep them and all the information you got from DYAD safe and secure? I can’t even imagine the organization and, and cyber-security and whatever the hell else you put into all this. That you still put in. And look what you’ve done. You’re helping so many people. You found something only you could do, and do it really damn well.”

Mika looks down into her lap, half her face flushed. The raised ridges and swirls of the scarred side are pink, but not as dark. Her shoulders curl in a little, but she doesn’t pull her hand away from Beth’s. If anything, she holds on a little tighter.

“You don’t have to like talking to people to help them. You don’t have to be someone you’re not,” Beth says gently, then pauses as a new thought occurs to her. “Why did you talk to me?”

Mika gives a tiny shrug, eyes still downcast. “You reached out to me. Most people are scared, or suspicious, or hard to talk to, but you were just... honest. You told me exactly what you needed, even if that meant sharing your painful secrets with a stranger. I...” She trails off, looking toward the closed door of Niki’s bedroom. She blinks slowly.

“It reminded me of something Niki said a long time ago. When we first met. We didn’t trust each other at first. But when things got bad, we needed to, and she just... We’d only known each other for a day. She told me a true story that people had called her crazy for, and trusted me to believe her. And when I told her about... my Asperger’s, about being autistic, she just told me something about herself, too, another thing that a lot of people get cruel about when they know. This was back before she came out, too. She was hardly out to herself, then, really. But she told me anyway. ‘Secret for a secret,’ she said.”

“She’s really special to you.” It’s not a question. How could it be, with the sheer softness of love rounding out every syllable and making Mika melt into the couch and into Beth’s shoulder.

“She’s... yes. She’s my family.” Mika looks out the window, and the bright light dances over her nose. “I don’t remember ever having one.”

Beth slings an arm around Mika’s shoulders and smiles as she curls closer into Beth’s side. “Looks like you’re part of a pretty big one, now,” she says, waving a hand at the dozens of photos on the walls circling them.

“I guess so.”

“No need to guess. The evidence is right there. And I’m right here.”

Mika turns those huge eyes on her again. She’s done that multiple times now, even though Beth knows she rarely looks people in the eye. Eye contact is too much, most of the time. She describes it as too intense, too distracting, too intimate. Meeting those eyes – so like Beth’s own, but filled with such a different kind of light – Beth thinks she understands a glimmer of it. If every eye she met were as overwhelmingly expressive as Mika’s, Beth probably wouldn’t meet them all either. It keeps taking her by surprise, coming across their eloquence in an otherwise quiet face. Caught by that gaze, every emotion that lives in it touches Beth. Right now, it’s soft with adoration but shaded with a gradient of doubt. The width and depth of Mika’s eyes reveal a clear view of a vulnerable, aching, healing heart that spent eleven years starving for the love it needs and still hasn’t forgotten the famine.

It might be breaking Beth’s heart. No wonder Niki is always showering her with hugs and kind words and gentle hands on rounded shoulders. Maybe one of these days, Mika will have spent long enough finally getting to soak up all that affection that she won’t look at Beth like this when she says the simple truth.

“Hey. Here I am. Really.” Beth’s voice is a little choked up. She pulls Mika into a proper hug with both arms. Mika squeaks in surprise at being squeezed so emphatically, but returns it all the same. God, but she gives the best hugs of anyone Beth’s ever met. All contact and even, firm pressure and steadiness. “It’s so damn good to see you. I can’t believe you’re...” real, Beth thinks but doesn’t say. I can’t believe I didn’t imagine you. I can’t believe you’re just as kind as your words. I can’t believe how good it feels to be around you. “I can’t believe I’m really here.”

Mika doesn’t say anything. For a moment, one of her hands leaves Beth’s back to fiddle with something, then comes back to give her a little squeeze that Beth returns.

Beth’s phone buzzes a notification behind her on the little glass-top table next to the couch. The table’s wooden base is a round blob carved into the shape of a very fluffy and very ugly sheep with curly horns. Beth’s arms loosen from their embrace as she turns to look at it, bemused. No one but Mika really messages her except for her mom. But if it’s morning here, it’s about time for bed at home. She checks it, just to be sure she’s okay.

But it’s not from her mom.

Mika reaches out to gently grasp her forearm again as Beth shoots her a quizzical look and opens the message.

3mika: I'm glad you're here.

Beth's heart quails.

To think, that her darker days might have kept her from ever being in this moment. Beth might never have gotten to this point, hurt but healing and here. Here, she's seven time zones and an ocean away from the cycle of pain she grew up in, barely aware she needed to escape. She might well feel safer right here in this crossroads of time and place than she has at any other in her entire life. It's a realization that's as humbling as it is nourishing.

Already, the distance this journey has taken her has given her so much perspective. She wasn’t sure, before, whether the work she’s been considering was just a response to what she’s been through – or just a way for the cycle to keep her within its spiral. But she’s seen what Mika can do, what Beth could do one day, if she keeps on.

It won’t be easy. She’ll go back, and deep-seated memories will try to drag her back into small dark places. But being here, even for only a few hours, has already changed her. She can change, and she can grow, and she is already tapping into new strengths that her past has yet to reckon with. She is here, right now, in spite of all of it. And today is not a dark day.

“Me too, Mika. I’m glad to be here, too.” Beth’s tongue stumbles over the name, because she’s never said it out loud before, only read it on a screen.

Surprise sends Mika’s eyebrows up and her eyes wide again, like she’s never heard it before, either. Maybe she hasn’t. She tilts her head again like a question, touching her ear and looking at Beth.

Beth grins. “Mika.” A smile blooms on that curious face, lighting it up. She’s the one who pulls Beth into a hug this time, and it’s both fierce and soft. When she lets go, she leans into Beth’s side again and they stay like that, arms over shoulders and comfortably curled up together, soaking in the warmth of each other’s presence like leaves drink in light. The simple sweetness and companionship of it soothes Beth’s heart, seeking its way into the aching crevices. It’s an odd feeling, both seeping inward and flowing outward, trickling all the way through her until it warms her cold toes in a way that feels both new and strangely familiar.

A long, sleepy yawn announces that Niki’s awake now, too. Soon, she comes out of her room stretching her arms over her head. Mika reaches a hand out toward her to wave in greeting, though she leaves the other arm draped over Beth’s shoulders. Niki smiles at them. That kind smile, too, adds to the warmth washing through Beth. Her feet practically itch with it, and with a growing sensation of déja vu. She fidgets her toes against the floor as Niki walks over to brush Mika’s outstretched hand like a touchstone.

“How'd you sleep? Isn’t that couch the comfiest?” she says to Beth.

“Well, I’ve got a crick in my neck, but I still slept better than I have in years.”

Niki turns her sunny smile on Beth. “Good to hear it. Weird, though, I nap there all the time and my neck’s always fine. Huh. Anyway, I think I might make waffles. You two want some breakfast?”

Mika nods, but doesn’t let go of Beth yet. Beth is lost in thought, trying to remember what that light, floating feeling in her feet reminds her of.

“Sweet.” Niki ambles toward the kitchen and bends down with pursed lips to peer at the fern perched on the counter. “Hmm. You still look a little pale. Let’s get you some more sun.” She brings the plant over to the living room and is fussing over settling it on the sheep table when it clicks for Beth. A physical memory washes over her, for once welcome. She lets it fill her, refreshing like a deep breath of cold morning air her lungs are suddenly hungry for. She flexes her calves and ankles, her legs remembering the joy and freedom of stride and strike. Her bones are finally recalling how they once carried her with ease, even while they're adjusting to the new weight of who she's become. Fully alive again for at least this moment, her soles are practically prickling with the desire to eat up ground.

“How about you, Beth? Do you like waffles?” Niki asks, fluffing the fern’s crinkly green leaves. Mika squeezes her shoulder.

Beth grins and plants steady feet on the blue rug in front of the couch. “Save a few for me? I think I might actually go for a run first.”

#orphan black #clone club #veera suominen #beth childs #niki lintula #mk ob #mika ob #herbs on the windowsill au #lizzie taking up space #lizzie's adventures in writing #welcome back yall #long post #fic #ob fic #that a garden will grow

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ravens-rambling · 5 years

Text

You’re Perfect Just The Way You Are

A/N: I’ve actually done this a while ago and just remembered about it ha XD whoops! Hope you like it!!! We need more Remile in our lives I think.

summary: Emile loves Remy with all his heart and soul. He loves every single thing about the sarcastic flirty man who always makes him laugh no matter what... So why can’t he enjoy their kisses like how normal people do?

WC: 2,486

ships: Romantic Remile, Mentions of Romantic Prinxiety

warnings: Nervousness, Mentions of PTSD, Mentions of NSFW, Anxiety, Transphobic, Asexualphobic (idk what its called I think that's right?), panicking, Mentions of Abuse

Tag List: @punsterterry @frostedlover @stormcrawler75 @mutechild @mycatshuman @panicattheeverywhere15 @thewinterbookqueen @analogical-mess

Picani took a shaky breath as cold lips were pressed up against his own. He closed his eyes as he tried to let himself enjoy this. He really tried. But his entire body seemed to spasm in disgust at the contact. His mind was screaming at him to run away and never look back.

But he can’t do that right? This is Remy. Remy isn’t like the others that he’s been with… Right?

Remy is kind and caring sure he can be a bit…much sometimes but…would he not like it if Picani says no to this? Heaven forbid if Remy knew about his secret plus his asexuality would he leave him?

Just like everyone else before?

That thought surged through him and it took every single fiber of his being not to cry right then and there. Luckily he was a decent actor as Remy didn’t catch on to his internal struggle.

They were sitting on a park bench watching the snow lazily float down around them. Most people would consider it romantic. There weren’t many people around having it be a bit later in the day and having it being so cold outside. Luckily both of them didn’t quite mind the cold, only in Remy's case for his eyes.

This is the fifth time Remy has done this just today, Picani has counted, and every time sent so much disgust through him he can’t even put it to words. And every time Remy hasn’t noticed a thing.

It really wasn’t his fault, why they have only been dating a couple weeks now their one-month anniversary coming up really soon. And it’s not like Picani has ever told Remy his sexuality beforehand, he's never had the chance. No, Picani doesn’t blame him. He blames himself.

Why his previous relationship only a few years ago was…rocky, to say the least. The guy kept thinking that he could ‘change’ Picani's mind about his sexuality. He thought that he was too simpleminded and that if he didn’t do the things that he wanted he’ll leave him.

Emile didn’t want that. He did love the guy he truly did. He didn’t want to be alone again, he didn’t want to be by himself again. He did want that comfort of somebody there to hold him when he’s sad or vise versa. But he just didn’t want…that.

So he forced himself to stick with the guy and that only crumbled under his feet when during one night of their…'sessions’ he couldn’t take it anymore. He ended up crying with the guy on top of him. And at first, he completely ignored his cries until he was shaking so badly that even he couldn’t enjoy himself.

That was when he snapped.

That night was a night he really wanted to forget.

And every time Remy kissed him all he could think about was him. Even his previous relationships, though wasn’t as bad as him, always gave him weird looks when he squirmed away from kisses or any of the like.

Even his parents called him a freak for not liking kisses and not having anybody for such a long time. Plus when he came out as trans they really weren’t happy with him.

He didn’t want that pressure back on his shoulders. But he felt maybe Remy was different. He was cute in many ways than one. With his sunglasses and dark chocolate brown eyes. With the leather jacket that always makes him look like he stepped right out of an action movie. Of his smile that was always a smirk, a devilishly handsome smirk, that played on his lips every time he spoke. And of his charm that he always carried with him, his witty humor that always made him laugh even during his darkest days.

He loved Remy.

So why does he only feel disgusted every time they kiss?

Was there something wrong with him?

Did he truly not love Remy?

Was he just playing Remy into some manipulative game?

Was he becoming like his ex?

His throat tightened up at that. It took all his willpower not to tear up as he tried to smile through the kiss. This was a rather long one…

But what finally made him break off was that his stomach did a very uncomfortable twist.

When he turned his head he tried to give a smile back though he knew it turned to more of a grimace. Great, he couldn’t even do that now. Remys gonna catch on and leave him and-

“Babe? What’s wrong? Are you cold cause if you are we can cuddle you know I’m as warm as the sun.”

Picani chuckled and looked up to him through his bangs. Yeah… He always has that nice charm to get him to smile. And that look of worry on his face… Stars above, does it look believable.

What was it that he always told his patients? Sure it can be rough but holding it in will only damage you more? Yeah…. No wonder why all his patients always said its easier said than done.

“Yeah, I’m cool as a cucumber, love! I guess I am getting a bit chilly. Though I would love to cuddle with you, my sun, I think it’s about time to head to that cafe, no?”

Luckily Remy bought it. “Gotcha! Thank gods it’s been like hours since I’ve had coffee. Almost a record for me! I need my seasonal depression.”

Picani giggled as Remy stood up and offered him a hand, gladly taking it and not letting go he smiled, “And I’ve told you it’s not good having so much coffee. So that’s good for you, love.”

“And I’ve told you you are a deepy downer! How can I enjoy winter without my Carmel frappe? Such dishonor!”

“Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your cow!”

“…. Did you just meme me? That’s a me move!”

Picani giggled again, “No I swear I didn’t. It’s from Mulan can you blame me?”

“I suppose not.”

Yeah, they really did click like two peas in a pod. Like Sapphire and Ruby. So why can’t he enjoy their kisses???

It didn’t take long for them to arrive at the cafe it being only a block away. The entire time they held hands and talked to each other, well more like laughed at each other. Picani almost didn’t want the tranquil moment to end.

The familiar bell rang through the place and he blinked at the all too familiar sight of teens huddling by the corners cramming in all the homework and studies they could possibly get. The smell of coffee hit him and he smiled. This is where they first met and he still loves this place with all his heart. It was almost like a second home to him.

“Remy. Picani. I take it you want your normal?”

He looked up to be greeted with the familiar sight of, well, bangs. Bright stark orange bangs were really all Picani could see of his eyes. Ah yes, Toby!

“Hey Tobs! What’s up, Babs?”

Toby glanced up and shrugged, “Nothing much as normal. Now, what do you want? I would rather this get moving along please.”

Ah yes and the normal roughness. Though Picani and Remy still smiled, they got used to this ages ago.

“Hot chocolate as always please!”

“And Carmel frappe babe.”

“Yes, the normal like I said. You guys are predictable as always,” He rolled his eyes and huffed as he turned away.

Once both of them sat down waiting for their drinks they chatted a bit more. Remy instantly grabbed on to Emile's hand once again and had both of their hands on his lap. It was mindless chatter for a bit until Remy suddenly leaned forward as if to kiss him again. Emile sucked in his breath as always when this happened but before their lips could touch Remy backed off a bit.

Shocked eyes met serious ones as Remy lowered his sunglasses a bit with a finger. Emile gulped Remy never is serious. Ever.

“Babe? What’s wrong? I can see how uncomfortable you are when I kiss you. Was it-”

“Remy! Emile!”

Their drinks were called Remy got up to get both of their drinks without a single word leaving Picani shocked and speechless. Remy figured it out. Now he’s going to leave him. Now he’s going to be left alone again. Now he’s-

“Gurl? You okay?”

Emile whipped up to see Remy standing right next to him both their drinks in his hands. He set them down while taking his seat and looked back to him with a frown.

Gently he grabbed both of Emile's hands and glanced around at the people around him for…something? Maybe it was to see if anyone’s around? Why would he look for that? Is he going to break up with him?

“Breathe babe I got you. What’s wrong? Is it something I’ve done girl or?”

“No! Heaven’s…no it’s not Rem…”

“Then why? I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable love. But I gotta know why.”

Emile gulped loudly. He could feel tears on the edge of his eyes threatening to leak down. But no he can’t cry. Just keep breathing. Keep breathing. You have to tell him soon or later it’s not right to keep it from him. He needs to know….

“Um… You remember my last boyfriend?”

Remy nodded, “Yeah you told me you guys broke up after a fight.” His eyes looked sad now, “Was it something he did? I’ll go after that bastard if he did-”

“No… No… I… It’s not like that… I..” He gulped loudly again and glanced to the table. He didn’t want to see Remy's face now.

“I’ve never told you why we fought did I?”

“No… Not that I can recall, love…”

“It… It was…. It was cause I’m... I’m asexual…” He spat out the word as quickly as he could, maybe Remy won’t have heard him. Maybe he can get out of this quickly somehow.

Then he didn’t hear anything. Very slowly he glanced up to Remy only to see he was opening and closing his mouth. But his expression made his heart sink. He looked heartbroken. So sad and concerned.

Emile's never seen Remy like this before. Normally he always keeps his composure. He wasn't quite sure what he was so sad about, however, did he felt sad that he couldn't have kisses anymore? He was definitely going to break up with him now.

Finally, Remy breathed out, “I’m so sorry….”

Well, Picani wasn’t expecting that.

“W-What?”

He felt gentle warm hands cup his cheeks and when he looked up he saw Remy nearly was on the verge of tears.

“I am so sorry… If I known… I’m so sorry for making you uncomfortable like that… You two broke off cause you're asexual and he didn’t like that, I guess?”

He shook his head, “No… He kept…trying to change my mind so he called it…”

His grip tightened on his cheeks not by much though he made sure his hold was still gentle. Remy's eyes almost turned to fire before Emile.

“I will kill that bastard for you, babe.”

He wasn’t upset at him. He wasn’t going to break up with him….

Emile swallowed, “Please don’t… He… I… It was my fault I mean… I don’t know I just… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. God love don’t ever be sorry. I’m just glad you told me before we went any further. Heaven forbid if I found out the hard way.”

“Yeah… Properly won’t have uh…been the best I guess.”

His hands fell to Emile's hands as he now gently held his that gentle warmth spread throughout his hands and arms. They sat like that in silence for a moment until Emile spoke up again.

“I was afraid… of telling you…”

He could feel Remy's eyes on him as he continued he knew if he didn't say this now he might ever be able to, “I was afraid that you were gonna break up with me once you knew… Or be like him… Not even my parents were very accepting of it so I just sorta figured you would be like that. I’m sorry for thinking like that. Guess it’s like the Avatar gang when accepting Zuko huh?”

Silence for another moment then his grip tightened.

“What did I say? There’s nothing to be sorry about babe. Not even your parents were accepting?”

“…no…”

Then a deep sigh.

“I have a killing spree to get to apparently. Babe, there’s nothing wrong with being asexual. Why I know somebody who’s asexual.”

Picani's eyes widened and he turned to him, “You do?”

“Yeah. My brother, Ro's boyfriend? V something or another. The emo like Toby? He had a really rough relationship with this bastard and uh…it wasn’t pretty at all properly like how yours ended and after that even the thought of any of that sends him panicking. PTSD I guess it’s called?”

Picani instantly nodded. Yep sounded like some patients he’s had. Maybe he can talk to this V person to help him out sometime?

“So it’s nothing new for me. And honestly, now that I think about it you never liked that kinda talk huh… Guess I’m blind and stupid…”

“Now Rem your none of those things. I just..hid my feelings too well I guess. It’s not your fault.”

“I feel like it is though! I could see your entire body tense up and how it looked like you wanted to run the second I lean in. I should have figured it out sooner! I should have…” Another loud sigh and he looked at Picani straight in the eye, “I’m sorry, babe. I’m so so fucking sorry.”

Emile breathed out and smiled, “And I keep telling you there’s nothing to be sorry about. Why don’t we both stop blaming ourselves and enjoy our drinks alright?”

“I guess… You okay with cuddling? I could use your cuddling right about now…”

Picani smiled and opened his arms, “I love cuddling with you, my sun.” Remy smiled and dove into his arms curling his face into Emile's neck and chest. Emile wrapped his arms around Remy and with his gentle lips kissed his hair. They stayed like that for quite a while them both sipping their drinks and soon or later brought out their phones. They were at peace with one another now.

That was until Picani mumbled into Remys hair, “And I’m trans...And autistic.” He tensed up still though, his mind started racing again he couldn't help it apparently.

Though he felt a shrug, “I don’t care love. Don’t like the nickname 'ma'am’ or 'gurl' then huh?”

Emile shivered and shrunk back at that name, “No, please.”

“Gotcha. Love you, Em.” He kissed Emile's chin and smiled looking up at him. “This okay?” Emile smiled brightly and hugged Remy closer to him, “It’s perfect.”

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bisexualstokes-archive · 5 years

Note

Is it too personal or may I ask what the long story that got you back into George is?

honestly i could use this ask as a way to really sit back and reflect on what’s going on in my life so yeah here’s the story:

(warnings for depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts)

so going way back to my junior year of high school, september 2009-may 2010, that was like…one of the happiest years of my life. I had some really great friends at the time, family life (from what i remember) was more or less going okay (although i remember my parents were pissing me off when i was in driver’s ed), i was getting out more, things changed in my youth group and over all it was just a great year?? and CSI?? Season 10?? was so good??

and then my senior year of high school started, I got into some shit with not just one, but TWO of my friends, one of which I was like..in love with, and I was getting scared because Things Were Changing and I had all this pressure on me to get a job, go to college, etc, etc. (I also did start a job in the summer between my junior and senior years and I had a crush at this job and our relationship got Complicated and we never did anything, I sort of pushed him away cause I thought I was too young to be with someone who was a couple years older than me, and I was just scared about it in general.) But I was still watching CSI. I still loved it. I still loved Nick Stokes/George Eads.

And then came my first year of college, again, still watching CSI, and I was trying–oh god I was trying so hard to keep my anxiety under control as everything was changing, I was in a brand new school where I knew like…nobody (well a few people here and there–I went to a popular community college in my vicinity so I did see a few people from high school) and again getting this pressure to succeed in college cause college just wasn’t a thing people did in my family–not until everyone began to realize how important it was (some of my cousins went back to school and got degrees and such)

and I was also trying to do my best to keep in touch with my friends, trying to mend the cracks in the two friends I had beef with, but another friend–who I had since seventh grade at that point–and I were getting closer and closer (she’s my absolute BEST friend at this point in my life tbh and uhm yeah I don’t know where I would be without her but I’ll get to that later)

and I was still watching CSI, still in love with nick, etc etc–but I was also getting into another obsession…Doctor Who

Sophmore year of college?? I think this is where depression was starting to get to me a bit.

I had absolutely NO idea what I wanted to with my life. Family still pressuring me to succeed, things were getting Complicated with that guy at work, I started another job–so I was working two jobs at one point in my life and going to school which is uh Fun. I can’t remember much but I do remember in general being a bit freaked out over having to change schools cause that was a New thing and I was not good with change (because of my anxiety)

SO then we come to my junior year of college, and so began my dangerous Apathy phase, where I didn’t give a shit that I was failing tests because I wasn’t studying because Doctor Who basically consumed my life. I didn’t care about myself–It’s such a little thing, but I stopped brushing my hair at one point and wasn’t taking care of my body the way I should have–I had never gone to the doctor since my high school days, so I never had regular check-ups

things at this point had ended with my first job and I’ve never seen or spoken to that one guy that I have Regrets with–to this day I wish we gave it a shot tbh, cause he seemed like a geuninely caring, nice guy? (not without his faults of course)

and also uh…I think this was the year I stopped having a regular period.

I’m talking like…I didn’t have a period for months, and I sure as hell wasn’t pregnant

I also stopped watching CSI, for many reasons, for the way GSR was being handled, for the way Nick was getting the promise of all these interesting storylines but NEVER DID and watching Nick/George obviously going through his own shit (cause he definitely gained weight in that season–and NO JUDGEMENT FROM ME TBH cause I’m, uh…technically classified as obese myself), and again, I was also SUUUPER obsessed with doctor who to the point where it was probably hindering my life

at some point in 2015 i did get my period again and was like “OH LOOK I’M ALL GOOD ON THAT FRONT” probably cause this is when I entered my first almost-relationship, a frequent customer at the store I used to work at asked me out and it didn’t work out in the end cause he was um…idk just Not For Me (and a gross ass kisser) but then after that one period, it disappeared again.

OH but in 2015, when CSI ended, I did watch the finale–Immortality even though I was SUPER pissed about Nick being gone (I did go back and watch just his final scene and cried like a baby) and then proceeded to rewatch grave danger for the first time in years at that point–I actually documented that on my blog here lol (and I did all of that instead of studying for a test that I failed the next day lmao)

so blah blah blah had tons of shit going on until 2016, which was possibly the lowest point of my life in terms of depression/anxiety, even though I had finally graduated college, I got a full time job (the same one I’m in now, three years later, very successful I might add–I just got promoted last year and I’m held in very high esteem by many of my superiors so it gets happy)

but in this full time job, I was moved to third shift for a few months, and was forced to work with this one woman who I like DESPISED–although not completely at the time, but to this day I really just can’t stand her (thankfully she quit lol)

so the third shift transition was rough enough, but at least I was into a new show–Person of Interest and I was having the Time of My Life with it but it really did start getting me to think about my depression and mental health, which up until that point I had been ignoring, despite that one friend I mentioned earlier having pointed out to me many times throughout 2015-2016 that I needed to go to therapy (and I just didn’t think it would work, I didn’t want to do it, my social anxiety was screaming FUCK NO the whole time)

also the trump election thing happened and uhm yeah there was that. Got into a LOT of heated discussions…and lost like ALL respect for my step-father (who you’ll still see me refer to as “dad” but i’m pointing out he’s my step father in this instance because I would be ashamed to be blood related to him)

and despite our uh, troubles, my dad did try to get me to watch Macgyver, telling me that “hey, nick stokes is in it!”

but my depressed dumbass was like “oh really? nice” AND THEN DIDN’T WATCH IT LIKE A FUCKING MORON

and on top of that, my house got INFESTED with mice and my parents did nothing outside of setting up mouse traps but it was getting to a point where we found like…five mice in a day and I was starting to see them in the daylight (which is a sign you have an INFESTATION) and ALL of my belongings were getting mouse shit and pee on them (my room is right next to the kitchen) and I ended up purging A LOT of things (including a binder of friendship from the one friend I had trouble with in senior year–which man that hurt to get rid of ((side note, you know what really fucking hurts the most about breaking away from that friend? we’ve known each other since pre-school and I mentioned in tags before about how we do still talk and shit and i am one of her wedding bridesmaids and shit but yeah…not like it used to be)))

and i was getting to a point where I honestly?? just wanted?? to die??

I would say it was like, late 2016 where I was even starting to think of scenarios where I could just…like…disappear? kill myself? I just did not want to exist anymore

2017 came along, fresh start, I kept telling myself. Still had mice in the mouse, but I was fully aware of my mental health issues at this point, and was starting to really listen to my friend more and more, really starting to consider going to therapy (especially now that i had health insurance)

(and also I was beginning to realize I have Feelings for this friend as well–although I gotta wonder if it’s actual romantic love and just not intense friendship cause we really are close friends but like…I could also see us as more? if she were open to it? but I know she doesn’t feel that way about girls and she’s got her own shit to deal with, and i respect that so I never push it or bring it up)

and then? twin peaks: the return came along. Season 3, episode 3, “Call for Help” a fucking masterpiece of an episode and something just…CLICKED in me. Something made me realize, I need to call for help

and so I did.

2017 was the year of therapy, in which I talked about a lot of the shit above, and then I stopped going in I think 2018? when the therapist moved away, but my sessions were getting farther and farther apart anyway, and I felt like I was finally in a better place in my life. I had more coping mechanisms, more awareness of how to handle myself, and I began to realize I really needed to take care of myself more

so i went to the doctor for the period thing, seems like it was some hormonal imbalance cause i was put on birth control to get my hormones back in order (this is my first month off of them so fingers crossed it still works) and by the time august/september rolled around?

I started writing again

and I’m not talking fan fiction, I suddenly had the inspiration to write this original story idea I have for a series that was HEAVILY inspired by CSI–in which the third book in the series is about a guy getting buried alive (and a girl trying to save him but doesn’t because ANGST but that’s another long ass story lol)

which, naturally, made me want to watch grave danger again, for the first time in three years. and then…I suddenly wanted to watch more csi?? from the very beginning??

and so I watched the first four episodes of season 1 again, and Nick/George was back in my life again. And it felt SO FREAKING GOOD.

Then, I watched Macgyver because I wanted to see new George content, and immediately fell in love with jack

Caught up with Macgyver and then finished my csi rewatch, this time watching all of season 13 (which I STILL HAVE MIXED FEELINGS OVER just like season 9) and 14-15 (which i regret not watching when it first aired cause it’s SO GOOD)

and I’m not saying like…Nick/Jack/George is the sole cause of my happiness, the cure for my depression/anxiety (cause that shit never goes away, you just learn to manage it better), nor is he the sole love of my life or anything, but…he’s a huge part of who I am, because in those years, when I was struggling, I lost myself. I lost Nick. But now I found myself again, I re-discovered my passion for Nick Stokes, and i’m just as happy as I was back in 2009/2010, and life is just so good

#aaaaaaand now i'm crying #just...fuck man #i may have gone into uh...TOO much detail here #but honestly maybe not even enough?#but yeah trust me when I say #i'm happy to have nick/jack/george in my life #cause you know that quote nick says about warrick #about warrick being a huge source of strength?#that's how nick is for me #personal #nonny #about me #2019 #reflections

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years

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Survey #181

"wine is fine, but whiskey’s quicker. suicide is slow with liquor.”

What’s the farthest you’ve gone with someone? I mean I'm not a virgin? Have you ever said “I love you” to someone and didn’t mean it? I don't believe so. Do your parents usually agree with your partners-of-choice? Yeah. I really don't know how Dad feels about me being with a girl currently, but he likes her personally. How many people do you like right now? (even the slightest bit) Legitimately, just one. My "I don't actually know this celeb but I'd 10/10 marry them" thing is just a joke. Do you believe little kids can fall in love? My guess is not until you reach a certain level of maturity where you can grasp the seriousness of "falling in love." But who really knows. What was the last dream that you can remember? On the morning I'm answering this one, I swear I had like ten or something last night. As time goes on though, they're starting to blur together. The one that stands out most tho is my sis and I became the first Americans (yes, that was a detail) to fully infiltrate a Russian, secret government base without being killed. Look idk either. Have you ever been rickrolled? Maybe? Do you like balogna? Yeah. It was my favorite lunch meat as a kid. Are you supersticious? No. What animals have you ridden? Horses and ponies off the top of my head. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done to someone you don’t know in public? I don't think I've done anything notable for this. Do you ever stick gum under seats? No, and my opinion of you greatly plummets if you do. Do you live somewhere where it’s completely safe to walk alone at night? I don't think those exist anymore. Have you ever lived with someone who was a total slob? When Dustin pretty much lived in the apartment with us... jc. Would you rather be able to talk to animals or be fluent in every language? Talk to animals. Does your kitchen have a pantry? No. Have you ever interviewed a job applicant at your workplace? N/A Have you ever gone over 3 months without shaving/waxing your legs? I don't shave them anymore unless I fear there's even a tiny chance someone might see them... Thanks, society. Are you high-maintenance? Definitely not. Would you ever consider being a foster parent? Being any kind of parent is off the list for me. What are some things that make others cry, that don��t make you cry at all? Idk, I'm a crybaby. Most sad songs don't, I guess. Are you a very detail-oriented person? Or are you better at seeing the big picture? Definitely the former. Do you have any upcoming plans with friends? lol What kinds of leisure activities did your family do together when you were growing up? Watch TV or sometimes play board games, probs. Occasionally all go in the pool together. Dragons or unicorns? I'm all 'bout dragons, man. Do you wish vampires existed? Um no. Do you sing in front of people you don’t know very well? How about dance? Nope. Have you ever sang/spoke/preformed in front of people on a stage? Sang in church choir and elementary chorus, read my D.A.R.E. report, and was in groups at dance recitals and competitions. Is it more fun or scary to do so? If you haven’t, then what would you think? Eh, it depends on your level of confidence in what you're performing. Like with dance, I was never that nervous as I knew what I was doing. Singing wasn't bad either because I was with others. Now reading aloud, alone, fuck that. I think anything alone would be scary. Would you rather slit your wrists than read Cosmo? I normally delete just plain stupid questions, but I'm leaving this here to hope and pray the author of this question sees me sincerely and genuinely say fuck you, you goddamn fly-swarmed shitpile with a maturity level surpassed by an infant's. Did you ever like barbies? Do you currently like barbies? They weren't really my thing, but I'd play with them if my sisters or friends wanted me to. What’s your favorite hit song right now? I don't know what the hit songs are right now. What’s your favorite element? (fire, water, air) Out of the traditional four, fire. Have you ever been to a wild party? No. Have you gone through any drastic life-changing experiences? If so, what was the most drastic? Depression and anxiety manifesting was absolutely life-changing, and then when you consider it resulted in PTSD, obviously the break-up was incredibly serious, but it also led towards my gradual recovery. What traits from your father would you like to pass down to your children? Don't want kids, but I'll answer as if I did. If that were the case, I like how he's not one for grudges, is very openly himself, and is super goofy. What is your biggest fault? It probably all boils down to my anxiety and trust issues resulting in me jumping to conclusions. If you could transform into any animal what would it be and why? Probably a snow leopard. Climate I love, super pretty, and I know I'd wanna be a feline anyway. What are the first three things you do when you wake up? Check the time, go to the bathroom, then it varies. Can you remember the first time you ever talked to the person you love/like? Does he/she remember? Ha, sure do, both through text and Skype... I'm sure she remembers the basics at least, too. Would you be able to have a relationship with someone you didn’t find attractive, if they had a nice personality and treated you well? Yeah. Have you ever really liked someone to begin with, then changed your mind about them? Maybe? Does your significant other/crush know about your Tumblr? Does he/she look at it? Yeah, and we follow each other, so. Do you ever feel a desire for sex at inappropriate times? Define "inappropriate?" What was the last thing that one of your parents bought for you? Fast food. Think about your first boyfriend/girlfriend. Did that person make you happy? What went wrong in the relationship? Sure, but just as friends. If you decided to dye your hair, would you choose to go lighter or darker? Lighter. I want more colorful hair. Is there a TV show or movie in which you’re incredibly emotionally attached to the characters? I don't think so "incredibly" since Meerkat Manor. Would you rather arrive super early or super late to class? Early. What’s something really basic that worries or troubles you on a consistent basis? It's a wonder I'm blanking here considering I know there's a load of things. What do you use the internet for the most? YouTube. On a scale of one to ten, how good is your memory? A goddamn one. It's been exceptionally awful lately. Do you worry about money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YEAH. Do you have any health problems that are unusual for your age? Well, the memory thing, though it's probably just a side effect of my meds or actual ADD. My knees are atrocious, though, and after many, many tests, we still can't figure out what's wrong with them. What’s the longest nap you’ve ever taken? When does it no longer qualify as a nap? Maybe like... four hours at max? Are you more likely to expect the best or the worst of a situation? The worst. Always. Have you ever said or done something in public that resulted in a stranger’s response? Possibly. How many serious relationships have you been in? Two. Do you think you have a vivid imagination? Very, personally. What was the last song you listened to? "Sick Like Me" by In This Moment. How many hours a day do you spend on Facebook, if any? Not even one. Do you own your favorite film on DVD? Maybe? Idk if we replaced the VHS. Have you ever been so angry that you screamed out of nowhere? On one occasion I basically screeched my lungs out on the porch. What’s your opinion on Nicki Minaj? I guess as a rapper she's good, she's indisputably quick as fuck, but I'm not a fan personally. Do you like having your lip softly bitten when you’re kissing? Oh fuck yes. Have you ever been on a boat? Yeah, when Dad would take me fishing and also on a 5th grade field trip to a horse-inhabited island near one of the lighthouses. We couldn't go to the lighthouse because the water was too rough. Have you ever been hopelessly in love with a celebrity? You can't be "in love" with someone you've never met and don't know personally. Generally speaking, do you like acoustic or original versions of songs better? Hm... tied, I think. What was the last band shirt you wore? Otep. Do you follow any celebrities on Twitter? I use Twitter only for Mark. That is all. What was the last flavor of pudding or yogurt you ate? Chocolate. What was the last thing you bought online, and how about in an actual store? With my own money, online it was Sara's ring I believe, and in a store was a snack. When was the last time you met someone who seemed very unpleasant? Hm. I honestly don't go out and meet people enough to answer this. Does anyone have a romantic interest in you, that you don’t return? Possibly, but it doesn't matter. Have your parents met the person you’re currently interested in? Yeah. What was the last alcoholic drink you tried for the first time? Did you like it? Oh my fucking god, some kind of "fancy" vodka in a margarita. It was disgusting. Are your eyes the same color as your siblings’ eyes? Only my brother. What food(s) have you eaten a lot of recently? Nutrition/meal replacement shakes. Do you use the microwave a lot when it comes to cooking food? Yeah, 'cuz I can't cook. Are you currently trying to get over someone? No. Do you know anyone who’s been on TV? If so, which show? Not to my knowledge. Do you have any lockets with pictures inside? No. Have you ever liked a football player? No. What was the last thing you learned? Some snacks rats can eat. Do you like Chinese food, Mexican food, or American food better? American. I'm very picky with all foreign food, actually. What’s your favorite scent? Freshly-baked bread, coffee, honeydew, lilacs... If you could house any pet, what would it be? Out of all pet options, uh... I suppose a horse or Saint Bernard if I had the means to properly care for them, too. Do you pluck your eyebrows? No. Do you like to swing? YEAH. How about jumping on a trampoline? I would if my knees weren't shit. If you could have any car, what kind would it be? Idk. I'm not educated on cars enough. What’s your favorite fast-food restaurant? I'm a slut for Wendy's. How often do you like to have sex? I'm not in a position where that's ever a thing yet. It wasn't something I thought about with Jason either, but we were pretty regular with sexual affection so we never went very long without, anyway. What’s your definition of weird? I don't care to define it, honestly. "Weird" can be good, bad, neutral... It's too vast a term and super subjective. Do you use shaving cream? That or lotion when I shave my legs. Have you ever personally known any girl who shaved their head? Well, she's an online friend, but I'd count her. Have you ever coughed up blood? I don't believe so. Who was the last person you hugged? My niece or nephew. What’s some of the worst pain you’ve ever felt? Mental: heartbreak and abandonment (both without any obvious prologue), rejection from who I cared about most, as well as deep hopelessness. Physical: having a cyst drained, an internal hemorrhoid, fracturing my wrist, having my tongue piercing redone and more accurately, a severe case of constipation I had as a little kid, an ear infection that made me want to chop it off and all out, a concussion, menstrual cramps before I was put on the pill... What kind of mouse pad do you have? I use a trackpad. What color is your mouse? ^ What’s your favorite dessert food? Ice cream, donuts, or red velvet cake omlllll. What is the closest thing to you right now that is alive? My dog Teddy. Are you an outcast? By the actual definition, no, though I feel it occasionally. Do you exercise? Ugh, no. I'm working on building back up my motivation to do Wii Fit again. What’s your favorite carnival food? (cotton candy, corn dogs, funnel cake) I haven't been to enough and gotten food to know many at all. Are you a very open-minded person? I think I am, and I feel that improves further like, daily. Are you modest? Probably sounds immodest to say, but I know I am. What kind of guys/girls do you usually fall for? Above all else, my consistent weakness seems to be the "weirdos." The ones that really stand out in their uniqueness. Do you skate? No. I mean, I'm capable of rollerblading, but it's not something I do every weekend or something. If you were to make it big with your own band what would it’s name be? Hell if I know. HAHA WAIT. My old username in some places, BulletsxButterflies, was based off my Rock Band band "Bullets And Butterflies" and like can you say #myaesthetic so that'd be pretty cool I suppose. ... Although it was inspired by the song "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" and I don't wanna get sued so like- What’s your favorite kind of pasta? Just normal spaghetti with sauce and meatballs. Would you rather a friend come over to your house or you go over there? I GO OVER THERE. I am a SHIT host and there's nothing to do here anyway. What’s the perfect first date? Go to a sit-down restaurant (doesn't need to be expensive at all), just the two of you, and *talk*. Don't touch your phone, just talk and listen with honest interest in your partner. I think this is especially important if you started dating shortly after meeting, as now that you're together, you really need to get to know each other. If you were good friends prior, you should already be pretty familiar with the other, and then I think things are a bit more flexible. Have you ever had rabies? No. Do you know anyone who ever had to get a rabies shot? *shrugs* Ever eaten deer? Duck? Squirrel? How about lamb? No. Have you ever received a note in your locker? I believe I did in middle school from Aaron? What was the last birthday present you bought for someone? A personalized chameleon mug for my darling. Did you get grounded often as a child? No more than usual, I guess? If you have a car, how much does it take to fill up your gas tank? N/A What’s your favorite album from your favorite music artist? Ozzy's "Black Rain." Every song is absolutely amazing, replayed more times than I ever wanna count, and it was my introduction to metal. Was the last person you held hands with a significant other? No, Aubree took my hand as well as she could to take me to her brother's room. Do you remember the brand of your first cell phone? Uhhhh... Blueberry, maybe? What is your Facebook cover picture? A pink pastel background-type thing. Last video game you played? Shadow of the Colossus. I beat it all over again to start my Time Attack grind, but I'm thinking of waiting til I get the PS4 remake one day to do so. When did you last try a new restaurant? Back when I was up at Sara's again. Does “out of sight, out of mind” work for you? Usually no. Do you have any friends whose birthday is this month? MY BABY If you have a favorite actor/actress, which of their movies is your favorite? For Betty White, idk. Depp, Alice in Wonderland. Are you currently expecting anything to arrive in the mail? No. What is your favorite kind of salad? Just bring me a ship full of Olive Garden's salad and I'll be g. Do you own a tablet of any kind? No. How many minutes is the longest song in your music library? I'm not sure, but off the top of my head, probably "Call of Ktulu" by Metallica. What is a brand name you don’t really care for? Any?? Idc. Do you prefer sleeping in complete silence or with background noise? Not complete silence, but quiet, simple background noise. When was the last time you weighed yourself? Today. As I do almost everyday even tho you're not advised to. Oops. Would you convert to a different religion if your fiancé/fiancée was of a different faith? No. The world is ending, and you can save one group of five people: who would be the five people that you save? Just five ah screw you man. Considering both those I hold close to myself but also people I feel would help recover the world for the better, and also assuming you don't include animals: Sara, Mom, Mark Fischbach, my psychiatrist (he's so fucking knowledgeable on medication that the world does not need to lose all that information), and probably Jane Goodall. Well idk, she's up there in age and may not last very long, but. asjfapwuw this is a hard question, I'm trying to consider who I love personally but also who would be capable of properly rebuilding humanity, or at least give us last six (if I'm alive, too?) a happy end to our lives. What is one thing that you are proud of, that you think lacks praise/lacks appreciation from the people around you? It could be a simple thing; it could be a secret thing. Ummmm... idk. What is the funniest one-liner Tumblr text post you’ve ever read? THERE'S SO MANY What is the absolute hardest thing about staying alive? Staying in a mentally sound place. If you're not okay in your own head, that makes living so, so very hard, and too many people get there. What is a book that has been recognized as ‘great literature’ that you dislike? Why? *shrugs* I enjoyed those I recall reading. Except one I don't remember the name of. Do you believe in the supernatural? Absolutely, 110%. What was the last thing you cried about? Probably my current groundhog day cycle. Are you mad at yourself about anything? Always, sure, but in like, the back of my mind. It doesn't dominate my thoughts. What was the last thing you cooked on the stove? Eggs. What pharmacy do you use? Harris Teeter's. Are you proud of yourself or disappointed in yourself? Both. What do you consider the perfect temperature for winter? ~50 is my preferred temperature always. What does your umbrella look like? I think ours is black? What is something you wanted as a kid but never got? One of those little crane machines with stuffed animals in it. I had one for candy, I think... but apparently that wasn't enough for Young Brittany. What is something you were scared of as a kid? Porcelain dolls. Still make me uncomfortable. Do you like your current driver’s license picture? My permit one is HIDEOUS. What is your favorite Elvis song? "Devil In Disguise." Do you think you could be the next American Idol? Hell no. Do you prefer reading fiction or non-fiction? Fiction, easily. Do you prefer fruity candy canes or peppermint-flavored? I like both, but the former is my fave. Do you eat too much candy? No. If you ever took dance classes, what were your favorite classes? Jazz. Have you ever been bullied because of the things you like? I don't think so? Have you bullied others because they like things you do not? No. Were there any classes you enjoyed because of the teacher? Not "enjoyed," but made them better. Have you ever been a bad friend? I'm sure I have. Has a friend ever replaced you with somebody else? Yup. At least it really feels like it. Have you ever disliked something just because it was popular? Admittedly, I think there were some things when I was newly a teen and developing that "I'm not like others" mentality. Have you ever watched a movie just because it starred an actor you liked? Maybe? What about just because it starred an actor you thought was good-looking? ... I'm deadass tempted to see Aquaman because of this lmfao but I'm not going to. Are there actors/musicians you have met? No. Do you ever judge people based on the music they listen to? Nah. What would you say are your top five bands/artists? Gaaah... I'll try here. Ozzy, Metallica, Otep, Manson, and Korn, maybe? Has anyone ever told you that you were really pretty? Yeah. Do you listen to a wide variety of music? No. Most are some kind of metal and rock, but I do have some really random artists/bands I like, such as Melanie Martinez or Marina and the Diamonds. Did you ever go through a phase when you didn’t want to take medicine? No. Was the last book you read good? Yeah. Do you make grocery lists? I don't do the shopping, so no. Do you have stomach problems? It can be finicky every now and again, especially with "fancy" food. Do you enjoy editing photos? Yes! Peace signs or hearts? Hmmm, idk. I guess it depends on the style. What kind of pie is your favorite? None. Do you have a strong relationship with your parents? I feel very, very few parent-child relationships exist stronger than my mom's and mine. Dad and I are good, too. Do you know your best friend’s middle name? Yeah. Have you ever kissed someone that was high? No. Is your Facebook profile private? Yeah. How many true friends do you have? Like four? Who has your Facebook password? Me and Mom. Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? Pretty much never. Do you believe in aliens? I'm neutral. Do you like pineapple? Yessss. Is there anyone you dislike, that you have to see/speak to regularly? No. Are you living with anyone that isn’t related to you? No, if you don't include pets. How many people would you say you’ve been “in love” with? Two. Which one of your relatives are you most likely to argue/disagree with? MY GRANDMA. How much do you monthly pay for mortgage or rent? If you don’t, how much is your cell-phone bill? N/A What is your favorite grocery store to shop at, and how often do you shop for groceries? Sam's Club got them deals. But I don't do the grocery shopping. How many hours do you work a week? If you don’t work, do you plan on finding a job? If so, when? I'm getting help from vocational rehab now to find a job perfectly appropriate for me. Where did you have your first kiss? What about your last kiss? His bed; airport. When is the next time you will be going out of town? 18th for my therapy appointment. Hour away. What is the last thing you spoke to your father about? Phone bill. Where did you spend Christmas or any other winter holiday? My sister's house. Who in your life causes you the most stress or negative feelings? Myself. Do you like shopping alone? I wouldn't know. Do you have any scratches on your cell phone? A small one. When was the last time you blushed? Idk. Who is one person you met and automatically didn’t like? Most of my sister's exes. Almost all, really. Do you have any video game systems in your room? Which one(s)? Well, the DS is in here. Have you ever done another person’s make-up? Jason's as just a joke. What is one thing you don’t like sharing? My drawings or writings if you're in my "real" life. Online is like... mostly np, but otherwise, don't fucking look. If I share a drink with you too, that means a loooot. Where on your body would you NEVER get a piercing? You know... ~the spot~ Which Adam Sandler movie do you like the most? Idk. Did your parents ever read stories to you before bed? Yes. Would you be considered more of a teacher’s pet or a class clown? I was inadvertently the teacher’s pet like... always. Do you have any family members who are mean to you for no reason? No. Do you have to do any yard work? No. Do you have a nativity scene in your home? Mom will put it up eventually. If you’re a girl, what color is your favorite bra? Navy. Would you rather make a snow angel or snowman? Snowman. What is the best antique shop in your town? *shrugs* Does creating make you happy? YES YES YES YES!!!! Do you have abusive family members? No. What US city would you most like to visit? Idk. What country in the world would you most like to visit? Japan, probably. Or Scotland. Do you have your wedding all planned out in your head? No. Do you sell things online a lot? No. Is there anyone you secretly miss? No. What color are your Christmas lights? On our tree that isn't up yet? Rainbow. Owls or penguins? Owls.

#survey #quiz #questions #random

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lonelinesslikeacrown · 4 years

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I have two people I'd trust with my life

doki is my best friend (lives in a different country) she's been with me through hard times n we help each other all the time, she had my back when I was getting over my ex n I love her to death. but I haven't talked to her in a while and I miss her a lot but something happened yesterday and she hasn't answered my message.. if something happened to her idk what I'd do with myself

bubba is my friend I guess? when I met him I fell for him almost right away haha silly me :( we've been talking on and off for 4 months ish. definitely not just friend things but never a confirmed relationship. he always checks in on me if I seem off n helps me through rough times, comforting me n reassuring me. he doesnt live very close to me, driving distance but still a bit far. he said he's gonna ask his friend from school out (it's okay, I'm happy as long as he's happy) and asked me for advice but there's also lots of drama around his friends so he's been stressed n hasn't wanted to talk much.. I love him so much n I miss him a lot

I have three mean people

kitty is my friend at school, nobody at school seems to like her, she got in some very shitty things last year and by association nobody likes me so I'm fucked when it comes to making friends :( she treats suffering like a competition, always trying desperately to 1up me in bad experiences n she shit talks pretty much everything I show interest in to make me feel bad about things making me happy. she hates bubba, she introduced me to him and was friends with him for a long time but she shit talks him to me constantly, she knows I love him n always screams at me about how dumb I am for being manipulated and that he could never care about me. she also brags about how bubba had a crush on her at one point and that he'll never like me. I'm pretty sure bubba hates her too, she yells at him too, about how he's an asshole and he's just playing with my feelings when he isn't. she hates bubba because "he's a fuckboy that doesn't care" but she is a self proclaimed fuckgirl n brags about leading guys on while bubba is the sweetest guy I've ever met.

mom isn't that bad, she's hit me but she seems to care about me more than my dad. nothing I do seems to be good enough for her, she openly talks about sending me away to a home n how I'm irresponsible n that stuff

dad is really bad, he's been telling me since I was 10 or 11 about evil people, murderers, cannibals, rapists, kidnappers, everything you can think of I was and continue to be told about in gruesome detail, making me scared of my own shadow. he has severe anger issues n often yells n breaks things but he's only ever shoved my brother a bit (he's a firm believer that men shouldn't hit women because women are weak) he's broken so many things in fits of rage that idk how to begin to list them. it doesnt matter what I'm doing, he always yells at me about how much of a disappointment I am and how could I possibly grow up into an adult if I give in so easily(to panic attacks, anxiety, delusions, hallucinations n bouts of depression, which I cant control) he always brags about how smart he is n that nobody can compete against him, hes racist, homophobic, transphobic n sexist(pretty much everything) nothing I do is ever good enough for him.

#angelsrelationships #angelsvents

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unfortunatelysirius · 7 years

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Story Time

So, I know that this is a Harry Potter writing blog and all, but I just wanted to talk about something with you all. Something serious and something that might affect my activeness on here. I went through something rough at the end of last semester. I was in a constant mood of disarray and stress, and I was trying for all these different things that could help my chances at leaving college without any debt. And I thought I had a good chance, you know? I was feeling good. I was doing so well in my classes and was managing to keep my GPA a 3.9-4.0. How was I to know that it would all just end poorly? Well, I entered some of my writing in for a three-week art camp. It was a stressful audition and an even more stressful manuscript-submission. I was so anxious about it, and I knew there was hardly a chance in hell that I was talented enough to get in, but I tried anyway. And guess what? I didn't get in. I wasn't even on the list for alternatives. It broke my writing spirit quite a bit. For a month, I couldn't even look at a sheet of paper and a pencil without thinking about how I'd got my hopes up for fucking nothing. I thought I was a good writer, but that all turned out to be complete shit. Maybe I was just gullible or ignorant to my own lack of skill—maybe I wasn't realistic enough. But it affected my writing. It STILL affects my writing. I just want you all to know that it isn't just chores and summer work that have been preoccupying my life. Sometimes, it's just me feeling broken and thinking that my writing is mediocre at best and that no one here enjoys what I write. Believe me, your requests and your compliments mean more than you will ever know. Sometimes, they're the only things that keep me from giving up on my writing dreams. Don't think I don't appreciate every single one of you. I'm trying to mend my writing spirit, but it might take a while to do that. I love to write and I want to write for you all, but sometimes I just look at my keyboard and want to smash in my computer screen because I know I will never be as good as Ernest Hemingway, Oscar Wilde, or J.K. Rowling. Maybe it's just me being tremendously pessimistic and having little-to-no self-esteem, but I digress. I'm trying, alright? I want to be really active and engaging, but everyone has those moments of utter demotivation. Sometimes my own mind gets to me, and that causes me to turn away from my keyboard and to get held up on requests. I was meant to post a new chapter of Not Your Girlfriend two days ago, yet I still haven't. I'm not inconsiderate; I swear I'm not. Sometimes I just honestly feel I can't write for shit. I'm not depressed. The only sort of mental disorder I have is anxiety; I'm on medication for it. Depression, though? Everyone feels sad occasionally, but I've never been depressed. So don't worry about that. Honestly, I'm always here to talk to you guys. If you just need a friend, I'm here. I love you all and I don't you to feel awkward or nervous about messaging me. I would never ignore you. And if you feel like I'm neglecting your request, I'm not. Sometimes I just take longer to make sure I haven't completely fucked up on the storyline. So please, don't feel like that. I would never deliberately push aside a request. I'm not that kind of person. Anyway, I think that's enough of me ranting. Stay tuned for a couple more requests going up tomorrow. If y'all want Part 7 (Is it Part 7? Idk anymore) of Not Your Girlfriend or Part 2 of my new Tom Riddle series uploaded tomorrow/the next day as well, then just go ahead and message my inbox! I'll try to get right on it, but I can't promise you anything. I can only promise that I'll get it done before the week ends :) Goodnight, lovelies! Thank you for your love and support 💕🙅🏽

#real talk #heyo #ignore me #being all serious and shit

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chelsorz07 · 7 years

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two in a row...must have been a rough week back in 2010

Old me/new me. I’m in a shitty mood so I have a feeling it’s mostly the same me.

Who sits next to you in english?

not in school. Haven’t been in school for over ten years so now I don’t even remember.

If someone liked you what would be the best way to let you know?

um, tell me? Just don’t.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

my dad. My cats because I have very little human contact.

Would you consider your parents to be strict?

not anymore. they don't care. My dad got way more chill over the years. My mother will never change, even though I’m almost 30.

Have you ever tackled someone to the ground?

probably. I really don’t think so.

Is your last name longer than 6 letters?

it is six. Nope. It’s 5 letters now.

What was the last thing you wore that was black?

bra. My current pants.

Do you say the F word a lot?

all the time. Like every other word.

What happened a year ago in this month?

fuck you. Idk probably a lot of me working and being alone.

What’s the last thing that went into your mouth?

mike's hard lemonade. Cigarette.

When was the last time you laughed really hard that you cried?

tonight. I don’t even remember.

Do you have a mirror in your room?

yup. No. There’s one in the cats’ bedroom though.

How about a tv?

yeah it's a piece. Yeah it’s the same POS I had seven years ago. And two years before that. Actually there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just tiny.

Do you have alcohol in your house?

quite a bit. Little bit of wine, even littler bit of whiskey, and a lot of beer. None of it will be consumed.

Did you like anyone last summer?

FUCK YOU. I mean I’m married so.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?

fuuuuuuuhuck you. Try eight and a half years.

If someone told you that you were a player, what would you say back?

i'm gonna become one. cuz i'm fucking sick of getting screwed over. I’d say that’s hilarious because I’ve only ever really been with one person.

How old will you be in 5 years?

26. 33.

What happened at 09:00 am today?

gave randa some breakfast. I was at work. And it’s after midnight so it was technically yesterday. But I have to work again this morning. Morning shifts can suck my crank.

Is any part of your body sore?

all of it since i started working out. My entire body hurts all the time. Psoriatic arthritis probs.

Last night you felt?

like shit again. go figure. Tired, depressed, annoyed, in pain, bored.

Are you taller than 5’5”?

yep. An inch.

Stayed single almost the whole year?

SHUT THE FUCK UP. Haven’t been single since the last time I took this survey.

Told your parents you were going somewhere but went somewhere else?

i don't even tell them where i'm going anymore. they don't care. I’m an adult.

What if the last person you texted told you they had feelings for you?

he has. he does. sucks to be him that i can't get over the last person i was with before him. I’d say what we’ve both been saying for years, that we should have just married each other. That way we could fuck who we want and not worry about screwing each other over because she’s my hetero life mate fo lyfe.

What are you drinking?

mike's hard lemonade. Nothing. I’m waiting for the Mountain Dew I put in the fridge to get cold.

Do you have clothes that are not yours?

i still have dave's sweatpants that he let me wear on new years last year....depressing as fuck. Dave and I share clothes all the time. And I have some t-shirts that I stole from my sister like fifteen years ago and she’s never getting them back.

Is sex the most important thing in a relationship?

no. Apparently it doesn’t even chart.

If someone cheated on you, would you take them back if you really loved them?

ugh. one person. no matter what anyone says. or what i say. I have. Twice.

Got in any fights this year, 2010?

not physical ones. verbal, pretty much every day. I don’t get in fights. It’s not worth it.

Have you ever liked someone who treated you super shitty?

every day of my fucking life. Every day of my fucking life.

What do you look like right now?

like a drunk ass bitch with issues. Like I need a nap and a shower.

Cried recently?

daily. Last time I cried was yesterday morning because I put on the wrong jeans and they didn’t fit and I didn’t have time so I had a mental breakdown and left late.

Do you like sushi?

no. I do not eat fish of any kind.

Do you find it weird that some people brush their teeth in the shower?

kind of. Yeah I’ve tried it. I don’t like the sensation of brushing my teeth with hot water.

Describe how you’re feeling today:

dr. unk. Like shit.

Connection between you and the last person who text messaged you?

pretty sure it was chele. and she's like my best friend. and future roommate. It was Amanda. And like I said, hetero life mate.

Have you ever been in a hotel room with a friend of the opposite sex?

yepppppppp. You know, I cannot for the life of me remember who besides my family I could’ve ever been in a hotel room with at that point in my life. But I have several times since then.

Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

yeah. I guess.

Do you hate when people smoke around you?

no. No but I’m sure they hate it when I smoke around them.

You have to get a facial piercing, what do you get?

lip. I’ve always toyed with the idea but don’t think I’d actually do it.

What would your mom do if she read all your text messages?

it's really not her business, no matter what they say. so i don't care what she'd do. Tell me I’m nuts like she does when she reads my facebook posts.

Do you like cuddling?

yes. Depends on my mood. Sometimes I’m just like, don’t fucking touch me.

Do you dislike anyone right now?

i dislike everyone. That’s still pretty accurate.

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?

i don't sleep anymore. If it even is night when I try to sleep, several hours.

What's running through your mind right now?

i hate my life. What’s gonna happen to our house fund when Dave decides he just has to have a brand new Cadillac when he’s already put over 60 grand into the one he has now.

Would you ever live with anyone of your friends?

i plan to, very soon. I have lived with some of them.

What are you listening to?

nothing. Supernatural.

Who was your last text from?

chele i think. Text, Dave. But more recently I was facebook messaging Amanda.

Do you currently have a hickey? Where?

no. it's been over a month. I haven’t had a hickey since (apparently) over a month before the last time I took this survey.

Anything you would change about your life right now?

EVERYTHING. Where I live.

What color are your eyes?

hazel. I mean yeah but they’re more green.

Are you wearing any jewelry?

my lion silly band. if that counts. hope he's wearing his too. Wedding ring, engagement ring, antique ring on the other hand, and Dave’s wedding ring on a necklace because he’s not allowed to wear it at work.

How often do you give out second chances?

to one person and one person only. Anymore? I don’t.

A random person you don't know says they like you, what do you say?

don't care. Still don’t care.

Are you dating the last person you kissed on the lips?

not really. kinda hard to date from 700 miles away. We’re married.

Have you ever kissed more than one person in the same night?

nope. Actually yeah lol...one time we were all shitty on Four Loko and Teej tried to make out with me (he’s gay but kisses everyone when he’s drunk) and I was with Dave the same night.

Do you always answer your phone?

hardly ever. I don’t answer my phone. Like if you can’t text me, you don’t need to talk to me. Don’t call.

Someone phones you at 3:00 AM. Who do you expect it to be?

don't care. If anyone is gonna call me at all, let alone at that hour, it better be an emergency. So I’d expect it to be my family. Even though I hope that never happens.

Were you dating anyone this time of year last year?

i seriously hate you. I was married to someone this time of year last year.

Has anyone ever crawled through your window?

yep. Yes.

Do you tell your best friend everything?

aside from how much i'm falling apart, yeah. Hahahaha now I tell her that too.

If you were to die today would your life be complete?

no. No but my life will never be complete so.

Can you honestly say you loved your last ex?

no. but that relationship lasted all of five days. the one before that, yes. absolutely. and i still do. and always will. I did and I do. Other than Amanda, he’s my best friend in this world. I just don’t have the same feelings for him that he has for me.

Are you a jealous person?

no. Yeah.

Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?

yeah. Kinda like all the time. I mostly agree. That’s the only thing about my appearance that I actually like.

When was the last time you talked to your most recent ex?

just a few minutes ago. Couple days ago.

Have you ever broken someones heart?

yeah right. nobody cares enough about me to be heartbroken. Supposedly.

Without saying names, what's one thing about the last person you kissed?

he SUCKS at foreplay. He’s having a midlife crisis and worrying about him and our relationship is stressing me the fuck out and making my anxiety and depression worse.

Congratulations ! You just had a daughter. What's her name?

HELL no. I’m leaning towards Jenna.

Are you going to see Alice in Wonderland?

my former answer stands. I don’t do Disney.

Do you think people talk about you?

i know they do. don't really give a shit. Yeah. Still don’t care.

Hows 2010 been for you?

worst year of my life. especially the last four months. and three days. 2010 was bad but 2017 pretty much fucking sucks too.

Is there one person you look at and automatically smile?

yeah. A couple.

Honestly, if you could go back one month and change something would you?

stfu. I mean not a lot has happened in the past month.

This past October, what was your love life like?

oh my god. kill me now. Same as it is now.

Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot?

NOW. Now.

Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

i'm completely empty. Way worse.

Did you kiss, hug, or hold hands with anyone today?

no. I am alone.

Are you a forgiving person?

unfortunately. Not so much these days.

Is your life drama filled enough to be in a reality show?

i try to avoid it but somehow the people around me seem to start it constantly. No but I should have my own show anyway because I’m hilarious.

Have you ever just laid outside and looked at the stars?

yeah. Yeah but it’s been a really long time.

Is there someone that you're attracted to?

sigh. My husband.

Who was the first person to text you this morning?

i have no idea. erica i think. Amanda.

Would you prefer skittles or starbursts?

starbursts cuz they last longer. Starburst.

Did you do something mean to someone today?

i'm mean every day. I doubt it. Fake retail me is a peach.

Is any part of you happy at all?

not even remotely. Not really.

What do you mainly want right now, that would just make your week?

for david lipps to realize that canadian midgets with illegitimate children who don't actually love him and like to play with his mind aren't worth giving up the girl who would die for him at a moment's notice and would give anything to have him back. To find a house and move back home like immediately if not sooner.

Would it be hard seeing someone kiss the person you like?

UGH. I’d kill them because he’s mine.

Does it bother you when someone lies to you?

i'm used to it. no one tells the truth anymore. It shouldn’t surprise me but somehow I still get blindsided.

When will your next kiss take place?

never. Probably October 19 when Dave gets home.

Do hugs help when you're sad?

they make things worse. I stand by this. Because then I’m like if you’re being this nice to me right now why can’t you be this nice to me all the time, even though I’m a piece of shit and don’t deserve it. So then I break down even harder and embarrass myself.

Any nicknames?

not anymore. my former so-called friends called me titties. Chelsorz. But I hardly ever see the person who calls me that.

I bet you kissed someone today, right?

randa. I really didn’t.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?

i didn't sleep at all. That’s an every day thing.

Have you kissed someone in the past week?

randa. Yes.

How many drugs are in your system?

alcohol. Nicotine.

Would you say your an understanding person?

no. and i hate your lack of grammar knowledge. God that still bugs me. And no, I’m not.

Who do you miss and why?

i miss feeling like i had a future with the man i love. even if it was all lies. I miss home.

#not spn #personal #about me #bring back myspace surveys 2k17 #i do what i want

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goingtosee-theworld · 7 years

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im toolazy to make a header

Pet’s Questionnaire

Name: Pet

Characters: Jane Porter, Howl Pendragon, Eva Grimhelde, Roger Radcliffe, Calliope Harper, Daisy Duck, Jake Long, Lymantria Khan, Al McWiggin, mystery character 10 wow when the fuck did i get so many

Pick a thread from the past six months that you’re proud of and talk about why.

What HAVENT I been proud of in the last six months haha---ok jk jk.

Not really a thread but the whole arc of Howl turns into demon bird was really a thrill to write. I was a bit slow with it because school (ahhh schoooolll), but I was really proud of how it all ended up. From the intial unbecoming—which was short, but action-paced—to the kidnapping of the egg, to Kiki searching for Howl, then the reunion with Mel, and confronting Suliman—ugh it was so action-packed and fun and the egg has yet to unveil herself dun dun dun. (I do realize the first few paras of this fell before the six month line, but we will ignore that).

One of the things I find difficult in writing is, well, action sequences when a lot of things happened at once and this whole arc was full of them, so it really forced me to think about character placement and what a good next move would be. And I want to thank MK and Lauryl for being good partners with this (and being patient when I was slow) and just giving me a lot to work with and ugh yeah.

An honorable mention is the Titsy closet thread (lmao) not just for the smut but because I think that moment was like really character defining for both of them. There was a lot going on. It was also hot and steamy.

Another honorable mention is MILANO BREAKS INTO A MUSEUM AND WAKES A MUMMY AND OH GOD THE REPURCUSSIONS ARE JUST BEING FELT AHHH. Yeah that still has to play out but wow it is fun.

Identify a challenge you’ve faced in this rp. Reflect on why this is a challenge for you. Are there any strategies you can develop to overcome this challenge?

I’m too shy. And I know that is my one big weakness. And I know it might not seem that way in the group chat because I’m a jokester and I say weird shit and am generally jovial and talkative, but like one on one I am…so…anxious and shy and asdkjadlks. I swear to god no matter who you are if we’re talking one on one I get really anxious and im like oh god they noticed I was typing but then I realized I didn’t say anything oh god I feel awful maybe I should clarify wait no I shouldn’t wait no I should wait no it’s too late //screaMs and then I think you hate me. Rinse, repeat.

This is a challenge, of course, because it makes it really hard for me to plot—because it’s not just me going to approach people, but like people approaching me and I don’t know WHY because 9/10 I love their ideas/they love my ideas. And like I am trying my best to slowly get over it. Im trying to branch out and hit more people up and I am starting by outlining my goals for my characters and then trying to contact people who would be relevant and hopefully I don’t like combust with anxiety whilst doing so wish me luck;;

Pick one of your characters and talk about their growth (we recommend choosing an older character, but it’s up to you! ) What about their story has surprised you? What are you proud of? How have they changed from their original inception to now?

I did Howl last time so now it’s time for Miss Jane Porter.

Ah, Jane, Jane, Jane. SO like a little TMI background into the creation of Jane. I’ve roleplayed Jane Porter for like 6 years now. My original Jane was much different from this Jane. This Jane grew from quite a dark time in my life and her early days were very reflective of that dark time (only getting darker for those first months I had her). Thus, without me even intending it, she got quite depressed. I hadn’t expected it, but that’s the sort of thing that happens when you trap someone who never wanted to make a real commitment in a small town.

Jane was supposed to be fun, energetic, just happening to be weighed down by a dark secret—what she is now is more reflective of what I wanted for her. Instead, the idea of being trapped in one place, the idea of death lurking at the corner of her vision consumed her. She was lonely. She shut herself to the world. She regressed in a way that I did not anticipate. The only way out was for her to crash and burn.

So, I made Jane crash. I gave her everything she feared—the chance of falling in love, the potential of a child, a glimpse of a life that she could live in another world, basically what could be’s that she had been trying to stay away from. And she crashed and those few months were her darkest (like right after rejecting Milo, the time jump, then the pregnancy thing).

Now she’s coming back around. What’s fun with Jane (and by extension Milo) is that they have this—and I’m using a Lauryl ™ term for this—complicated happiness. Where they are happy, but ya know, there are issues. At their best, they are an unstoppable team—they hunt demons, they sneak into museums, they make each other brave (they are both brave, I think, in different ways, but the way that they are not brave is exactly what the other is brave in, so it like complements each other). But at their worst, they become scared: Milo frets, Jane avoids, Milo overanalyzes, Jane tries not to acknowledge. And so far there hasn’t been a real issue with that, but they should have a Talk sooner or later.

I’m proud that Jane was able to pull herself up. But what I want her to do is recognize her problems. She’s very avoidant that way, turning to alcohol/sex when she’s really down or simply ignoring the little things when she’s on a high. She fits her enneagram type to a tee. She ignores bad things and just tries to focus on something new, something exciting, something good. But she needs to recognize problems and work to fix them before they become Big Problems.

Pick another character and talk a little about where you WANT them to go. What are your plans for them for the rest of the year?

I’m going to go with Daisy on this one.

So Daisy, Daisy, Daisy. My little flower. Daisy is always weird for me because literally everything I ever planned for her went in the complete opposite direction. Date Stan? Nope. Interact with Tito just for fun? Lol. Fake-date Lou in the Hogwarts-verse? Hahaha. Even the long term things ended up getting derailed by events (titsy wasn’t supposed to like get together for a bit, but then valentine’s happened, for example). So with Daisy a plan is more like a rough guideline. (which is so FUCKING META IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT BECAUSE SHE LITERALLY PLANS EVERYTHING AHHH)/

There are two paths I envision for Daisy: the first requires a lot more work, but may be more fulfilling in terms of character development and lead to a happy ending. The second is more comfortable and honestly, more unexpected and might be more interesting.

The first is that Daisy rejects the notions of class and wealth she was bred into, which as I mentioned before, would require a lot of work in changing her thinking, but it can be done. Not to be super Sorting Hat Chats in here (okay but when are we not), her primary is Ravenclaw and right now her system is in a bit of a flux and she’s trying to rebuild it. She would need the right type of influence—not just from Tito, mind you, because she feels that she is biased should she solely listen to him (Daisy’s quite analytical and logical and will try to put her own feelings aside when it comes to that decision). It would need to be a mix of outside forces, and this I can see ending in her graduating and doing what she wants to do, instead of what approved jobs her mom would have picked out for her (so maybe trying to strike it out on her own and starting her own lifestyle blog, or working at a smaller company, or maybe one focused on social justice instead of just haute couture idk) and most importantly, choosing her heart over preapproved options.

Now this is the option that would represent the most character growth, but my hesitation? It’s cliché. It’s a bit overdone. It’s Rose from Titanic. It’s been done, and for the way it would pan out with Daisy, it would not be super unique. Would it be the happier ending? Well, yes. I’ve not closed it off completely and tbh I am a sucker for happy endings, so this might be the way to go, I’m just leaving room to think of option two.

Option Two is that Daisy decides that her whole system of class and wealth and status is the one for her. This would just need little nudges from her family, from her friends of high status, reminders of people who have fallen, glimpses into a future that is glamorous and glittering—where she has access to her wealth and name and can use that to better the lives of others. Without having to focus on meeting her own needs, she can turn to the world. (That would be the argument there). Now this has a clear end for Daisy—she graduates, she moves to London or Paris or New York. Will she be satisfied? We won’t know. Her story in Swynlake will end. It ends with a whimper, not a bang. It’s classy, it’s literary, it’s Sister Carrie achieving her dreams, yet feeling empty in her rocking chair..

Now these two options are by no means the only paths for Daisy to follow (and heaven knows she’s done an amazing job at skirting around literally every other plan I’ve set up for her)—so we will see! Maybe it will be some weird combo of those two. Maybe something will happen to expedite one or the other. Maybe she’ll turn into a zombie.

OPTIONAL (REQUIRED FOR THOSE WHO DIDN’T DO THE LAST QUESTIONNAIRE): In terms of your own writing, identify 1-3 strengths and talk about why you think it’s one of your strengths.

Uhhhhhhhhh. Srry ive felt bad about my writing lately but here goes:

Structure: now this is like. A weird one?? Idk it stood out to me when I wrote Ly’s one-shot about her brother, but I like playing with structure and having set forms and beginning sentences certain ways and having repetition and idk this is weird but I really enjoy doing this so I do think I do it well.

Description: I think I do this well. When I do it I mean. I try. I think I do it the best with magic, Howl’s and Ly’s specifically. Also Daisy’s outfits lmao.

Humor: This one I will say I do well. I make myself chuckle.

OPTIONAL (REQUIRED FOR THOSE WHO DIDN’T DO THE LAST QUESTIONNAIRE): In terms of your own writing, identify 1-3 areas of improvement.

Dialogue: last questionnaire I said I did dialogue well but I take it back. I feel like all my characters sound the same. Idk. Except for like Howl maybe, and Roger. I guess it’s like the cluster of Ly/Daisy/Eva with their weird accents that don’t actually exist in youtube videos so I cant quite pin them down.

Setting: im really trying to improve on this! And just add like little details in general! It’s still a work in progress but it’s getting there!!

Like action/forwarding things this is vague: I remember very specifically in one of my creative writing classes, I had written something I was very proud of and someone told me something along the lines of “I enjoyed reading this and it was well-written…but it was just people sitting around and talking for the most part. Nothing happened.” And that really resonated with me because ya know, I do that well. I do sitting around and talking and thinking and longing and sighing quite well. It’s the like actually furthering things along part I am bad at. This rp has definitely forced me to do that and I am definitely improving, but it is still something I need to work on.

OPTIONAL (REQUIRED FOR THOSE WHO DIDN’T DO THE LAST QUESTIONNAIRE): Reflect on other writers you love– in the rp or out! How have they influenced you? What do you love about their writing that you want to bring to your own?

Every1 is great, again.

IF YOU DID THE LAST QUESTIONNAIRE: Alright, now pick an item from the Wishlist you completed in January that you’ve started to pursue. How far are you from completing this goal? Talk about the steps you took to make it happen.

Jane and the cheating thing. Not that Jane is going to cheat, not by a long shot. (Actually in the most recent of my replies to the Jane/Paul thread, I think Jane like drunkenly had the epiphany that she was just lusting over Paul because he represented her could-have-beens—will she remember that come morning? Find out.)

This is a thing that I don’t think will be resolved-resolved till Jane brings it up to Milo whenever they have that Talk that they need to have that’s kinda been building up haha.

I actually can’t remember if Lauryl offered Paul as the sacrificial lamb first or we had LADS interact with all our characters and Jane and Paul kinda hit it off (they’re both naturally flirty)—but whichever one it was, we took it off and just kept playing with it. It did take a brief hold up as my school picked up (darn you school), but I think it’s back on track and combined with this mummy plot. Well. Should be a fun time.

IF YOU DID THE LAST QUESTIONNAIRE: Pick another item on your wishlist that hasn’t happened yet. We’re gonna do a MOCK-PLOT!!! Pick a character who could help with this goal, and plan at least three threads or “steps” that would kick-start this plot. Need help? Remember to look at the plotting tips and tricks! See the end of this questionnaire for an example. You do not have to follow through with the plot as you planned it here– but it can kickstart brainstorming and get you thinking in terms of cause/effect.

Ok im cheating a bit for this and picking a character with a plot that I did not have on the wishlist (and then adding someone that I did bc why not)

LYMANTRIA GOES OFF THE DEEP END

Have someone further influence Lymantria into believing that she’s nothing without her magic (Mel or Mellie)

Lymantria seeks someone who will take Fey’s with her. They do the drug together. (Alice)

A trusted friend notices what’s going on and tries to intervene. (Maui or Meg)

Lymantria does not listen. Stronger forces must get involved (depending probably on who it was in the previous thread but most likely Esme or Copper/law enforcement in general (lmao or both)).

DAISY ADMITS SHE NEEDS THERAPY

There’s a thing that’s supposed to happen which will result in a big fight. (Tito)

Daisy most likely will go to Lou for advice. (Lou)

Most likely, she will not feel any the better from that and will probably save face since she hates seeming weak (especially in front of Lou lol) and then will be like let’s do what normal college aged girls do and go clubbing! And then get a full blown panic attack while clubbing. (Annette probably does daisy have any female friends idk---oh maybe Hermes tbh)

Either ends up at home or in the hospital, and like the boys will come so this is between Tito/Lou idk who is more likely to suggest that to her. Heck maybe Stan. Or ya know maybe a medical professional—Minnie? Sweet? Idk this end part is really up in the air and I think depends on what happens in the previous part.

AL LEARNS ABOUT FEMINISM

While online gaming, Al is confronted by a female gamer who calls him out for being a chauvinist. He relates this experience to a friend who further calls him out. (Gogo)

Al wants to find out what the heck he is doing wrong. Don’t women have it good already? He seeks out a woman he knows who has a better education than him and a better job, because he was definitely qualified to get into a good school he just couldn’t ya know and he wants to find out /why/ women think they are at a disadvantage. (Nala)

Al can’t believe it! He tries to find a man whom he respects who agrees with Nala. (a man Al respects—Wade, idk. Who is a nerd here?)

Finally: write a NEW wish list for the upcoming half of the year. It’s fine if you use a lot from your previous wish list if you still haven’t completed them and you still want to!

1. Family connections—leftover from my last list, but in the works as we speak mwhaha

2. I know I have already had a few love triangles, but I want one where the two outer points are like actually close and would hate to hurt each other by picking the love interest (like Angelica-Eliza-Hamilton, tbh) ‘cuz the ones I have right now the two outer points don’t really care about each other remotely.

3. POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIP—who knows, could be the solution to the above conflict haha.

4. Threesome—I’ve been pitching this endlessly. Someone write a threesome with me.

5. Explore Jake’s magic: I think his is the most undeveloped. I need an opportunity to bring it to light. I want him to either heroically help someone OR get in trouble and have to face the Dragon order repercussions, etc ,etc.

#this is #long #i didnt even realize #bdrptask #questionnaire #bdrpquestionairre

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