#that doesn't make me want to die

[miazeklos]

Hello, friends! After many months spent in... not excellent conditions, I come bearing two pieces of wisdom:

Never underestimate the place where you spent 40 hours every week, a.k.a. work, and the effects it will have on your mental health.

If you struggle with said mental health: as long as you're here, you're not struggling with mental health, mental health is struggling with you.

I also bring some fics, as I've finally gotten back to doing what I love best: some twincest, some tentative Bridgerton, and, a classic, some Jalec. After months in actual hell, I'm back on my bullshit.

#I changed jobs three times since I was last here #and finally I am at a place I love #that doesn't make me want to die #which is... a refreshing change #personal shit #I guess #ahhhh #it's good to be home

[victoriannarwhal]

Trying to hype myself up to job hunt

#victoria talks #i can totally find a better job #that doesn't make me want to die #totally possible #my spite and hatred for the airport is a more motivating fuel tbh

[courtmartialme]

woag .. otp

#fma #royai #riza hawkeye #roy mustang #talking to user chrysopoeias reminded me of this doodle i posted on twitter ages ago #im too dumb to make analysis textposts with my opinions so you get (checks notes) royai experiencing post nut clarity #about how funny i think it is that riza bases all her self value into how useful she is or isn't being #while roy is like wow.. i love riza can't believe she still by my side after all i've done .. #in the hospital scene after the lust fight where roy is scolding her there's a part he says he's going to keep trusting her with his back #and she looks genuinely surprised as if she really expected him to just throw her out because she failed and lost her utility #when he's mostly angry because riza gave up on life so easily and he doesn't want her to die. he can't live in a world without her #riza babe ur so mentally ill <3

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Wardrobe Woes

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#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #lan wangji #Yes: there are people who read these comics who don't know much about mdzs. Several are my beloved and supportive friends B'*) #This comic in particular is one that I've been thinking about for a very long time and I'm so happy to finally be here! #I was trying to think about how to explain the social rules of the forehead ribbon and the reason lwj was so upset #and the metaphor of 'it's kind of like wwx accidently undoing lwj's bikini in front of a crowd.' came to mind. #of course there's a bit more to it than that but the point here is that - accident or not - it still embarrasses lwj #wwx doesn't get the entire context behind it (at the time. Now he *does* and it all makes a bit more sense) #But he knows he made lwj upset. He knows he doesn't want to put lwj in another embarrassing situation. #Not after all this. Not after everything. Not after realizing that his desire for friendship might be the kind of desire that ruins lan zha #Love the symbolism of the archery outfits being red during this moment of 'whoops only married couples can do that' moment. #What if we accidental proposed............accidental marriage....accidental kiss the bridegroom....accidental fall in love. #Guess we did inadvertently get the puffy sleeves and bikini outfits in the end. #wwx in an old timey bathing suit is so important to me. I'll die on this hill. #lwj's cute little box is inspired by @lazycranberrydoodles's cute fan art <3 I love it a lot

[lazylittledragon]

i'm going to scream i got accused of being a transmisogynist by someone on twitter because of this specific part of my t4t steddie art

#ramble #the thing is 99.9% of people thought it was VERY funny #i've had 1 person genuinely have a problem with it and it was because i kept eddie transmasc #basically they were upset because i didn't make them both transfemme bc i just. didn't want to #twitter hasn't learned that not everything is for you and if you don't like something you don't have to interact with it #and just because you don't like something that doesn't mean it's Bad #and also sometimes queer things aren't made to be understood by everyone #it was specifically because they thought it made them into 'just another straight couple' #as if that isn't a MASSIVE erasure of trans people's queerness #trans people in m/f relationships doesn't make them any less queer or somehow inferior to gay relationships #it boiled down to 'but you could've made them lesbians :((' YEAH BUT I DIDN'T #idk it was just absolutely infuriating trying to defend myself without saying 'idk what the fuck you want from me at this point' #anyway transfemme stevie is very big on twt but i didn't know whether to post it here or not #but i might if people want to see it because i love it a lot #twitter would die if they saw the olden days when we called them genderbends and there wasn't any trans content at all

[beanghostprincess]

Luffy not knowing about Zoro promising Sanji to kill him if he ever ends up losing himself makes me go feral because that's something they can only know about. Because Zoro's respect for life and death goes beyond anything, and Sanji knows he understands. Sanji knows that if somebody has to kill him, it's him.

And I don't even think it's because Sanji assumes Zoro's opinion of him is hatred and it would hurt less for him to do this, but because Sanji knows only Zoro would be able to treat the promise as it is. Because he would put Sanji's wishes before any feelings he has for him. It's not that Zoro doesn't care, but I think he respects people's ideals and decisions to the extent of being able to kill Sanji if he so desires.

That being said, he'd do it if there's no other way to fix it. If it's either dying or living as an emotionless machine, which is the same as dying for Sanji, Zoro would fulfill his promise. And there is just... Something about Luffy not knowing. Their captain. The man they're devoted to the most as if he were their God. Luffy doesn't know. It's something only the captain's wings are aware of and the thought of these two keeping this from Luffy until the end is just insane. Not even trying to make it romantic here, but the bond and respect these two have for each other is crazy.

Maybe it's the poetry of it all, too. Somebody like Zoro, who has looked at Death in her face multiple times and said "no", ending Sanji's life, who wants to give in to death to not experience a fate worse than death for him.

#bean posting zosan this is so rare and weird don't get used to it sweeties #kind of tired of people jumping to extremes with these two btw like- #they don't hate each others but they're also not best friends-- respect is something they value even more than those things #they're not good for my mental health they make me go insane #this wasn't meant to be in a shippy way but idk if you wanna see it as romantic you do you bc it could def be #it depends on my mood #i consider myself a zosan shippers on random days #you could also say sanji thinks zoro doesn't give a fuck about him and that's why he tells him bc we know this guy's self-worth is awful #but i also like to think it's because zoro's views on life and death are exactly what sanji needs #luffy would try to look for a way to fix this and they others wouldn't be able to do it tbh #i mean if it ever got too serious i think luffy could do it but do you really think sanji's gonna make him go through that #if zoro has to die he wants to die by luffy's hand but if sanji has to die he wants to die without involving their captain #idk if that makes sense okay i haven't slept at all tbf #one piece #black leg sanji #roronoa zoro #zosan

[zellk]

Forgot to share here.... old doodles of when I finally came around to finding a design I like for Qalaari's mom !!

#it's so fucking funny to me that i inadvertently gave her a variant of the “mom about to die” haircut because... well... #surprise... she did die when Qalaa was young (12) :'^) #Qalaa (now between 20 and 22) still hasn't gotten over it #her mom had really weak health and really shouldn't have had a child but she made her choice #it turned out to be not the best one for her health LMAO #who wouldve thunk #but hey she wanted it and i'm pretty sure she doesn't regret it #but well... Qalaa does feel like she was a participant in her mom's death #(the other participant being her biological father who ran away before she was born and shattered aamira's heart) #ANYWAYS #i love qalaa's messed up familly #it's like a regular messed up story where actually no one (and everyone) is to blame (except Qalaa lmao she asked for NOTHING) #Aaamira gave so so much love to her child ;;;;;; this built the unbreakable core of Qalaa's kindness #aamira #aamira croquelune #aamira molandine #croquelune #still thinking about making that potentiel small DnD 'lore addon' of Qalaa's village that you can take and plug in your very own campaign #as long as you have 'far from civilization' woods or mountains you can put them in there #a village that welcomes the 'monsters' and the cast out #(like aamira) #look at me rambling in the tags lmao i just love qalaari (& her background) so much #last thing tho : you have to understand that Aamira is small and very slight and Qalaari was a HUGE baby and is a really big girl overall

[doverstar]

actually I love Tentoo and he is the Doctor and it was the only ending for Rose that worked and it is a huge gift to be able to have the man she loves grow old with her, they were always heading for that, y'all be quiet. I 100% understand the angst but it's okay, they're okay, good ending-

#did you want her to...not end up with the doctor? #she ended up with the doctor. she ended up with the doctor and they get to AGE together #they get to have a real honest relationship the way they both always genuinely wanted #it's hard that the full time lord version has to carry on without her but that is the way that character's story ALWAYS goes #the doctor does not get to keep ANYONE. it would be a different show if he did #meanwhile there is a version of that same face of his - the one that was MADE for love? particularly born out of love for ROSE? the one 1/2 #2/2 that always wanted a FAMILY? and stability? and a normal life? the tenth doctor longed for that specifically because of rose #now he gets to have it AND be part-human so he doesn't have to watch her get old. he gets old WITH HER #and they're canonically growing their own Tardis so you don't even have to be sad that they're not adventuring in time and space as usual #because they ARE. it's the kindest ending for either character. and if the full time lord hadn't left without either of them- #-he would have had to lose them eventually. lose Rose because she's human? hello? painful? but instead he was selfless and left her- #-with a proper happy ending. which she CHOSE to have so you can't be like “he tricked her!” she chose to kiss one of them and it was Tentoo #they are the same man. Rose won in this scenario. #and I GET IT I am with Billie Piper I think it will always feel a little off that she was left with Tentoo and not the full time lord #I understand. it still makes me a little sad. but I know it's a good ending writing-wise. really the ONLY ending. #yes I know about the popular idea of Immortal!Rose or Bad Wolf Rose or whatever and that's cute and all BUT - it's not a GOOD thing #it's not PREFERABLE to be immortal. Rose doesn't want to live forever. she wants to be with the man she LOVES forever. #she doesn't want to not die or adventure for all time. she wants to be there to hold his hand. and when Tentoo is born she gets THAT! #Immortal!Rose is tragic. the Doctor would not wish the burden of immortality on the woman he loves HELLO #anyway #I ship timepetals. that includes Tentoo/Rose. because he is the doctor #so there #I have more thoughts on Tentoo specifically but I digress #maybe if provoked in an Ask or something idk #doctorrose #timepetals #opinion piece #tenrose #tentoo #handy

[pokedcheck]

if the leafs don't show frustration or emotion on the bench they don't care but god forbid they get frustrated and start arguing with each other because that means they're childish and can't keep it together

#what is it!!!! what do you want them to do!!!!!! #its like i want to die defending this stupid team that doesn't deserve it but the shit people are pulling out of their asses makes me do it! #just shambles everyone is in SHAMBLES lmfao #leafs lb

[maegalkarven]

I keep thinking about Durge, who, even after defying Bhaal, is never truly free from their father's legacy.

Because yes, the Urge is gone, the cursed blood of Bhaal doesn't call to them anymore. But body remembers, even if mind doesn't. Body knows what it did, it knows what it was created for. It's instinctual, bone-deep reflexes of a person raised to be the perfect murderer. It's little twitches and how easily opponents fall: foes and former allies alike.

It's small glimpses of the past, because mind doesn't remember, but the body DOES. It's the eerie familiarity of darkest corners of Baldur's Gate, it's people recognizing Durge on the streets, people they don't remember but who remember THEM.

It's the feeling of being haunted by your own self.

It's the body of Ketheric, the bloody mess left of Orin, Gortash's lifeless frame. It's the knowledge you're the last one, what this tragic story of conquer started with you and ends with you.

It's the feeling of emptiness where bubbling joy once was, the blood on the blade what brings no feelings. It's being charming, or kind, or honest, or gentle, or honorable, but at the end of the day still being the best in the art of murder - and who are they if not Bhaal's unholy blade?

Godless and fatherless, struggling to reimagine themselves.

Especially when memories come; they never return fully, never in the whole picture. But glimpses, the shards of existence what was once theirs cut deeper than any ritual blade would.

I keep thinking about Durge weighted down by the grief of the world, guilt of the world.

Alone: without a god, a father, a sister, a partner (Gortash, bc these two were absolutely insane for each other).

Alone and with whole life ahead; lost and confused and with hands bloodied.

Hero, people call them. They don't feel like a hero.

#baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate spoilers #dark urge #bg3 durge #the 'it started with us in ends with us' narrative is killing me #durge who is a tragic hero who at the end of the day is not the person they started with #and not the amnesiac from the nautilus #but the mix of both #martyr and murderer #savior and monster #also gortash my beloved. I keep having headcanon where Durge and him sworn loyalty to each other before orin lobotomised durge #swore like on infernal pact the ritual whay doesn't allow them betray each other #what links their lives together so they die as one #ultimate trust fall and safety feature #'you can't kill me because it would be killing yourself' #durge convinces Bhaal it's ok bc it only means Gortash and Durge will be the last men standing when the time comes #and when durge kills Gortash they will ki themselves too #making the ultimate last tribute to bhaal #but secretly durge is a survivor #they want to live more than they want to please father #so chaining them and gortash by the pact is a safety measure to make sure they don't kill gortash #bc killing gortash would be killing yourself and the self wants to survive #despite everything #so then in act 3 when durge dies and is reborn Gortash feels it #and when Karlach raises an axe to end up Gortash Durge cries in pain #because you can either kill one or neither #don't mind me I'm just plotting to keep rat coded evil boyfriend of my durge alive #durge has 2 hands he can have TWO rat-coded boyfriends #Astarion upon seeing the pact tattoo over the durge's heart: you too hug #and then Raphael is like 'THIS tattoo is the oath of loyalty actually. the closest thing devils have to a marriage pact'

[bhaalsdeepbat]

i really, really love that lae'zel is DISGUSTED by the idea of ever having to deal with pregnancy, but like. genuinely loves being a mom to Xan. and just loves that baby so much.

#bat plays bg3 #there are four companions i could see enjoying having and raising a baby #and that's wyll halsin lae'zel and minthara #gale and karlach would be good parents if they had to be but they both strike me as like #karlach just got her freedom back she needs time to just. live life and be free #i think she'd have one or adopt one eventually #astarion would be a terrible dad at first but eventually be decent lol #but never be actually good at the raising part just the #taking care of the brood and making sure they don't die #he'd be a terrible role model #shadowheart is in the same boat as the other two #i just think she needs some time to figure shit out and exist before even considering that #she wants her animal sanctuary and to chill for a bit #also minthara would raise little hellions but like #just bc she's evil doesn't mean she wouldn't be a good mom #her children would be raised like royalty and treated as such bc they're future conquerors

[sarah-cam]

i've seen some people bringing up the parallel of how tim told lucy that they were worth the risk to how tim broke up with her... this is a great parallel don't get me wrong and it is so painful and i feel so sad for lucy

HOWEVER i've also seen people absolutely railing on tim and calling him a coward for leaving her and saying that this is unforgivable. i get being upset with him, i'm not saying that's wrong. but i just want to offer my take:

tim is absolutely broken down. this is the lowest point he's ever reached and it's been building and building since before we even met him. everything that happened in his childhood, in the army, with isabel, the trauma we've seen from the job these last 5-6 seasons. and now this, which has brought everything he's never dealt with to the surface. he truly believes in his bones that lying to lucy was what he had to do to protect her. even when lucy (rightfully) told him to stop, he said he can't because it's who he is. it's all he has right now because if he's going to lie and break the rules and compromise him morals, he is damn sure going to do whatever it takes to protect the people he loves.

he grew up with an abusive father who made him believe that he doesn't deserve to be loved, let alone unconditionally. he had no control in his childhood so he got that control by joining the military, and when he finally had that control?? he screwed up and blames himself for getting his teammates killed. he tried to gain back that control by becoming a police officer/to but never felt like he needed to move up any higher than that and now we know why. he didn't want to be a leader again because he didn't think he deserved it. he was terrified of losing lucy with the UC work and didn't even realize it, because when she's gone, he doesn't know what's going on and can't back her up. he has no control.

and now this? he compromised everything he believes in, as he said, "to save his career" but it's not that simple. if he told the truth, that angela and lucy knew about everything and still helped him, they would still lose everything he tried to protect them from. he can't even look at himself in the mirror right now.

he's not a coward for breaking up with lucy. he's not walking away because they had a fight and he doesn't want to work through it. in fact, she validated everything he did!! she showed him that she still loves him no matter what he did, that she would've done the same thing. but to him, that's even worse because he doesn't believe he deserves unconditional love, so when lucy gives it, he thinks that he's dragging her down because how could anyone love him after this. giving their relationship a shot was worth the risk because she is worth the risk. but him? he's not worth it

it's not cowardly to take yourself out of a relationship that you're not mentally okay to be in.

#chenford #the rookie #text #lucy deserves to be hurt and upset and everything in between but tim is not doing this to hurt her #he is doing it to protect her even if it's misguided #he knows he's not okay and he can't go back #that doesn't make him a coward #actually i think it's the opposite #it's brave to admit that kind of stuff ESPECIALLY for someone like tim #that doesn't make it hurt lucy any less #but it's valid to have empathy and compassion for both people in a tough situation #this just makes me think of nace #ace was ready to break the curse when he thought he might die but as soon as nancy was in danger he decided that it wasn't worth the risk b #ugh i just love tim bradford and lucy chen #and i want them both to grow and develop from this #cause she has her own issues going on too

[dailykugisaki]

Day ninety-five | id in alt

Long time no Nanami💥

#dailykugisaki #jjk #kugisaki nobara #nanami kento #i hate his fuckass tie but like anything for the cool man who cares bad #she likes the fit nanami has but she glares at the tie he has sometimes but it eventually grows onto her like a fucking parasite #also idk how yall sukuna likers do it idk how yall like this man because its so hard for me not to roll my eyes at anything he does #trust me im not biased i roll my eyes at Gojo and co too #i just idk. i feel like ive gone through somebody with a personality like sukunas before and i just want to push him into a black hole #buckets aggression is showing #anyway back to Kugisaki! #she exaggerates the image of nanami a lot but i feel like she'd respect the guy y'know #thats a whole apt teacher dawg #also Nobaras drink...she does like popular shit but i feel like her actual tastes lay with more like refreshing stuff if that makes sense #maybe it could be a little sour #idk she doesn't seem like the weirdo that drinks horrible sweet shit but she would put like an energy drink in that shit #she woll die before she's dehydrated and from experience #sweets dehydrate a bitch #hitting nanami with the melanin beam #i fucking giggled while writing the image description im fucking done for‼️ #Kugisaki would fucking preen at praise from nanami because in her head nanami is probably a massive hardass #yes i like drawing hands

[angelsdean]

and what if i started 'dean is too nice to sam' truthing ?

#well. publicly. bc i already am truthing that sdjkfjd #LISTEN. this show was really really bad at portraying actual sibling dynamics dfkdgk like half their fights would not be that deep irl #like oh you tried to kill me? ok well here's a funny picture of dog and also that's you ok lets go get food #dean as the eldest sibling should've told sam 'i'm right bc i'm the oldest do what i say' like. alllll the time #bc he's right and he's the oldest :) and sam just has to accept that he will ALWAYS be the baby even at 39 yrs old #esp dean being a parentified older sibling like. sam is simultaneously his annoying lil brother AND his pseduo-child #even if sam doesn't want to acknowledge that dean was his main most stable parental figure growing up it doesn't change the fact that #for dean that's what sam is. and so oscillating between the two roles of older brother and parent makes for a complicated dynamic #where you'll like. die for them. but also tease them mercilessly and call them a lil freak and weirdo #(but if anyone else did that you'd punch them out) #but yea. canon dean. too nice. #should've teased him more and gotten into more play fights + actual fights that end w/ them laughing + getting slushies at the gas 'n' sip #siblings siblings #vic.txt

[kaladinkholins]

mizutaigen is literally like. the first "toxic" m/f ship i've ever cared for. cuz like usually my taste in m/f ships is basically "unhinged baddie" x "badass wifeguy" *

* (see:yen/geralt. trevor/sypha. adolin/shallan. kataang but katara is sane and they're literally so wholesome like theyre traumatised kids in love who are each other's emblem of hope in a war-torn world! so basically they don't count. anyway. i'm rambling.)

and to that end my friend called mizutaigen yaoi-adjacent and im like. yeah you're right actually cuz like hell yeah non-binary mizu and bisexual taigen rights and all the gender fuckery in the show in general

but also like.

theres just SOMETHING else about mizutaigen that just GETS me. like there's a special secret sauce like the pheromones in that one sephora lotion attracting spiders and i am the silly spider!!! there's just something about it!!! it's not even the enemies to lovers trope cuz i personally am not even usually into that (obv it's fine if you are. but yk.)

so as i keep rotating these thoughts around i thiiink it's the fact that, yknow, theyre so similar. like i honestly truly think they could be besties in another universe: a kinder universe where taigen was not taught to hate. a universe where mizu was not born a girl in a deeply misogynistic society or half-white in a xenophobic homogeneous society.

yeah now that i think about it that really just might be THE secret sauce!!! like the fact that they COULD be perfect and happy together, if only things were different, if only they werent themselves.

smth v bittersweet about that's just driving me insane and makes me want to root for them to overcome all those obstacles, to say "fuck all that" (re:the world and all its fucked up shit) and find each other in the end. to eventually become each other's fav person and confidant. who obv still bicker and tease and insult each other all the time but they dont really mean any of it and over time it just becomes a running gag between them and no one else has to get it because it's just between the two of them.

#mizu x taigen #taigen x mizu #taimizu #[clenches fist] it's about the POTENTIAL of it all!!!!! #like taigen's last words in s1 being 'we're not done yet' like ?!? has me WANTING to see more. wanting to see them grow with each other #like i want taigen by the end to be ridiculously head over heels WHIPPED and SMITTEN willing to die and kill and just be BETTER. for mizu. #mizu. the person who changed his entire life. his entire worldview. pulled the rug from under him and made him a man forever changed. #to overcome his selfishness so he can be mizu's HOME in a world that doesn't allow her one #i want him to end up deciding like. 'on purpose. im going to love you on purpose.' #and mizu no matter how much she tries to convince herself that she cannot love or be loved. ends up accepting it anyway #love as work and violence but also love as rest and safety #and also bcs taigen represents the ideals of society. him willing to change & grow also represents society's potential to change & progress #LMAO okay sorry i absolutely cannot stop rambling about these bitches the brainworms are insane #bcs i just noticed that other mizutaigen enjoyers tend to also be in the same fandom circles for ships that i just. do not like. at all #and wondered like huh. i wonder why that is. and wondering what makes mizutaigen different #idk just ignore me i dont even know if im making sense my brain is goop from working on my research proposal #shut up haydar #fandom.rtf

[gncrezan]

thinking about the infamous blog mentioning genshin and sebastian in the same sentence i feel a little ill actually

#i also like thinking seb has some stubble. for my sake. #well less stubble that he wants and more 'sometimes he simply doesn't bother to shave' #the couple i really think would work out the least but i like the idea of them becoming odd friends ... #or at least there's a certain . like. boundary aki feels a little weird about how maya is like his ride or die number 1 fan #and seb happens to be her dad. and there's some kind of 'huh this is a little weird for me' thing. also not cut out to rly be a dad #not immune to making memes about it though #infamous #infamous if #my art #sebastian holland #maya holland #akihiro yasumi #edit: fixed a broken link lol #AND ALSO i got that old man (wrio) and am gunning for his weapon. 90 primos and a dream