#systemic reasons for doing this. and with respect to everyone at nd who views this as a thread of hope for their longevity. I still believe | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rabbitindisguise · 1 year

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Whenever I see someone talking in defense of using functioning labels or support labels it's just like, I can picture in my mind the kind of kid in special ed who this reminds me of. The kids who complained that we were being disrespectful when we trashed talk the abusive teachers aids or got mad about ableism from other students. I don't think people realize that not all special education experiences were created equal, and that someone who went through the suffering of special ed might not actually believe that it was a bad thing and think that more people should be forced into special ed ("because I turned out okay" <- is a huge jerk to other autistics)

I don't know what to do about it now that I'm like, "being mean to people is wrong." (Traditional reaction: heckling (me) and cold shoulders (everyone else).) Ideally I'd like to get through to people that being in cahoots with their therapist or whoever isn't actually going to help them make friends with other autistics, and tattling on people fighting against oppressive systems isn't going to win them free snacks, but I fundamentally don't understand this point of view and I don't know if I ever will. It's as foreign as someone believing that "everything happens for a reason" or that "justice always prevails (so people suffering deserve it)." I'm much more of a "if something is broken, fix it (people suffering counts as something broken)" and "authority figures blocking people from help are kind of inherently uncool and morally questionable especially when people's lives are at stake" kind of guy, I dunno. I have a strong sense of justice, that's not the problem, I just don't trust or believe in authority and a lot of autistics have been talking about how Important and Reasonable these things are (which I find almost inherently incorrect, since I think UBI and home aids should be available for free to whoever needs it forever).

Because fundamentally support labels are observations of what authority figures are willing to give you based on if they think you deserve it and depending on how closely you match their imaginary picture of "need." It's like how I "didn't need" paratransit until I got awarded it, and then "stop needing it" when I just never got around to applying again but my need has stayed consistent. Autism to me is fundamentally about what makes you feel comfortable, and if autism helps then you're autistic. Autism isn't a label to be foisted onto someone without their consent, and it's not one to take away just because they "seem" "normal." The autistic community I've observed on Tumblr (especially in the early years where I developed an understanding of myself as nd before I figured out I'm autistic) is so valuable because it's not what doctors think about us (other than complaining lmao) it's about how the community is a positive force in our lives because it makes us feel accepted for who we are, and frames autism as a good thing

How do I explain that to a guy who thinks a therapist saying we're wrong and autism is bad is objectively more correct?? I have no idea where to even begin. The biggest issue this stuff causes is how Going To Special Ed is being seen as a sort of "listen to marginalized voices and don't contradict anything they say or use critical thinking at all" type of trump card. People will say things that are wildly incongruous to social justice but it's folded into the discourse because people think that everyone comes out of there thinking that allism is wrong. Some of the most allist people I've known have been autistics. Getting diagnosed young, and years and years of special education, is super traumatic. I was lucky that I had people who cared and who taught me I was a person deserving of respect. It's not like how some women grow up to be feminists like "this shit SUCKS I deserve better" it's more like the kind of facism tokens experience where it's like "this sucking is important because I don't deserve better."

I'd caution people against shilling for functioning labels or support labels but I know that's goong to be hard with the self appointed DSM hall monitors. That's between you and your fight against the system, imo. If you can eat at the places we're going to, if you need a moment to go be nonverbal in a closet, if you need to go have a meltdown in peace, or need a communication board, or need to not be hugged, those are important. "High functioning/low functioning" and "low support/high support" is nonsensical in a space where general autistic concepts are integrated into how we run things because it smooths over a lot of problems. Social spaces where stimming openly was accepted, wearing headphones in public to block out noise, or other things that are more visibly autistic but make people's ability to avoid meltdowns soooo much easier can radically change how easily a neurotypical allistic can clock your autism. We just don't need support labels when someone who had meltdowns everyday suddenly has less because they can fidget openly, only eat their same foods, and don't get expected to hug people or talk about things that aren't their special interest, and the meltdowns are redirected and safer from autism accepting coping mechanisms- that's just what healing looks like.

#disability #personal #neurodivergence

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mogai-corvidae · 3 years

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is it ok for me to identify as voidpunk even if i haven’t had any hateful or bigoted or dehumanizing experiences? i’ve had a pretty good life, i just feel a connection to voidpunk because i’m neurodivergent and have some strange beliefs regarding society and i don’t like people, and i feel that this label and community feels comfortable.

i don’t want to offend anyone by participating in voidpunk when i haven’t been dehumanized, there’s nothing for me to reclaim. i just really like the idea. can i still identify with voidpunk?

Before we get into the nitty gritty of how we feel about this, I want to emphasize that no one can tell you who you are or what you can or cannot identify as. Ultimately your labels are your business, as long as you’re not deliberately using them in a harmful way, and the fact that you are asking these questions indicates that you do care about respecting these terms and communities. If you were hoping for solid answers, I’m afraid we can’t provide any. All we have to work with is our experience in the voidpunk community and using the voidpunk label. I hope this is helpful, at least.

The voidpunk community, in great part, is made up of neurodivergent people. We are autistic and ND in many other ways, and being ND is one of the largest influences that lead us to the community. I have long emphasized that voidpunk is primarily a community and label that is about reclaiming dehumanization, because that’s very true, but there’s some crucial pieces I think I’ve missed in how I’ve talked about it before. I don’t think people realize that dehumanization doesn’t just look one way. Our personal experiences of dehumanization and dehumanizing oppression have often been of the more blatant and “severe” variety, but those dramatic experiences weren’t the only ones, or even necessarily the most harmful. What has far greater contributed to our current identity and our experiences as a whole is not our more intense experiences of bigoted violence, but consistent experiences of subtle and pervasive ableism throughout society as a whole, and social attitudes about ND people and whether we are deserving of the human right of autonomy. These attitudes don’t just manifest in slurs and hate crimes; far more often they look like passive aggressive comments or systemic issues that are so baked into our every system that they’re near impossible to notice.

I’m not here to tell you what your experiences are, but I know as a neurodivergent person that moving through the world we currently living as ND is in and of itself dehumanizing. We also have many views about society and people in general that are often called “strange” or considered weird in some way, and this is largely because of how neurotypicals value autistic and ND thought. Us being neurodivergent doesn’t just result in direct and explicit ableism, it also results in more subtle and pervasive alienation and other less noticeable forms of oppression. Being neurodivergent means living in a world designed to exclude us, and the invisibility of ND people results in us fundamentally existing outside of the boundaries of what neurotypical people tend to understand as human. The way we think, feel, and express ourselves is often considered by neurotypicals to be outside of the realm of human possibility. Even when we are not literally facing hate crimes or life threatening bigotry, we constantly face isolation and other subtle dehumanization. This is an inescapable and unavoidable fact of living in an ableist society. You say you’ve never had any dehumanizing experiences, and obviously only you can say for sure what your own experiences are, but have you ever considered that dehumanization doesn’t always have to seem obviously bigoted and hateful? Do you know that it’s possible to never face any “extreme” bigotry, but to still be isolated and dehumanized by a society that devalues you as a human person?

I say this because the feelings you’ve described are very similar to many of our own. It is completely up to you how you label your experiences, but I think that there’s a reason you were drawn to the voidpunk label and feel so comforted by the community. The voidpunk community is a community of people who think and feel the way we do, in a way outside of the typical conceptualization of what it means to be human, and it’s very likely that you think and feel that way because you’ve experienced dehumanization without fully realizing or understanding it. A lot of experiences we’ve had with oppression or discrimination, we didn’t even realize were harmful until we were much older and went back to examine the situation further.

If you truly and completely believe that your experiences and feelings have nothing to do with dehumanizing oppression (though, again, I do think that’s a likely possibility, and it’s very possible to experience things like microaggressions or pervasive oppressive attitudes without realizing, also this is very common with ableism specifically) then it still is ultimately up to you to choose how to identify. It’s good that you acknowledge the community as being rooted in reclamation and I do think it’s important to remember and center those experiences as what makes the voidpunk community what it is, but at the same time your experiences generally sound very closely in line with the community and with our personal experiences. Ultimately, what specific trauma you have should not decide your place in an oppressed community, it’s whether or not you identify with it while recognizing and respecting its roots.

TLDR;If you feel comfortable in the community, go ahead. You’re the only one who can know what labels are right for you and your experiences. I’m certain everyone will welcome you. It’s certainly not a community I’d ever see anyone gatekeeping, and if you do see anyone try to gatekeep voidpunk let me know and I’ll send them a strongly worded message. /hj

#asks #anon

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librarycards · 3 years

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Hi! I've really appreciated reading your views on the education system and higher education in general, and I don't exactly have a question about that but I guess I am asking for some tips on reading dense academic text. basically I desperately want to consume this book called Authoring Autism, by Melanie Yegeau published in 2018 but it feels so inaccessible to me as someone who hasn't attended college and learned how to read shit like that. it's about neuroqueerness and neurodivergence as an---

identity presented in a queer theory framework and seems like something that would really be up my alley as a queer/trans autistic person and I guess I'm just pissed that it feels hard. do you have any tips on learning how to read academic text and actually stay interested and enjoy it while readily absorbing the knowledge therein? maybe this is a big ask and not something you really have an answer to, but I'm still curious as to your thoughts on it! thx for reading!

hey! this is a really good question, and you’re right that i don’t have one right answer for you, but i can try to give some of the advice that worked for me.

first off, on academic texts and specifically on the yergeau, which i’ve read & adore –– they’re often hard, and authoring autism is dense; this stuff is harder when you aren’t practiced in engaging these type of texts. this is actually my first recommendation –– practice! the *only* reason i feel accustomed to spending time with dense scholarly work is because i’ve done it a ton of times before and i have a plan. there are definitely different degrees of difficulty in various texts, too; you, for example, might want to start with liat ben-moshe or margaret price in terms of Mad/critical ND studies, as i think both are easier accesspoints than yergeau’s highly specific (and also largely unfamiliar to me) rhetoric studies language.

but, yeah. practice! it’s helpful on several levels to start with the seminal texts, not least because there’s also a ton of work by other people elucidating them, and often study guides and questions to help you figure out what’s going on. for example, i’m in a reading group tackling the entirety of Capital this term, which is incredibly challenging for someone (me) unfamiliar with economic theory -- luckily, there are a ton of study guides out there, lectures, videos, and more experienced people in the group to explain terms to me, and i find myself better and better able to understand Marx through all these different interlocutors. even “in my field,” like, you’d best believe i’m reading derrida with at least 3 other tabs open at any given time to cross-check and make sure i’m Getting It.

also, there’s the fact that yergeau themself is building on multiple traditions, but especially w/in queer theory –– these are way easier to get and get through quickly having built up knowledge of heavy hitters like butler, foucault, sedgwick, halberstam (who is cancelled but unfortunately still important in the field), and others. i know some professors of queer studies/gender studies have syllabi up online for intro courses, i’d check out some of those, as well as the bibliography of Authoring Autism, for an idea of who you can read with before turning back to yergeau.

reading shorter chapters, essays, and articles feels more doable in one go than a whole book, and you have a better sense early on of what an argument is going to be (check the abstract and the end of the intro for a “roadmap”). from here, it might be easier to work up to an entire work. with whole books, especially if the topic is unfamiliar, spend a lot of time with the intro, take notes on the structure and organization of the book, the methodology, the examples the author notes from the jump, the terminology they lead with -- taking notes in general is CRUCIAL imo, and having a little base of keywords and ideas to move through the rest of the chapters with is so helpful. also, the intro will have a little summary of every chapter as well as the main argument of the text, which is helpful if you feel lost anywhere in the middle. remember that most of these academic books are composites: they’re built out of dissertations and collections of papers and presentations first given separately. they’re bound for a reason, but can usually be read as standalones.

so we have practicing, chunking, and note-taking so far. i’d also go a step further with the note-taking: a helpful assignment i’ve had in the past is to write a precís, or a general summation of what a text is about, what is it doing, what arguments the author is making, etc, for a given book. these are no more than a paragraph or two. i believe in the saying that “if you can teach it, then you really know it,” and that principle also works for the precís -- if you can get a book down to its bare necessities, it means you really know what it’s doing. think after each chapter you read, could i write a precís on this? can i use 5-7 sentences to sum up what the author is doing? if it feels jumbled, go back to your notes, go back to your highlighted sections, and try again –– and remember that every time you re-read is NOT (NOT!!!!!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!) a sign of incompetence, but rather a dedication to the author’s work and a respect for their time and knowledge.

i really want to stress that. struggle, reengagement, rereading, changing perspective....these are very, very good things. necessary. it is completely normal and healthy to have a hard time with scholarly work, even work about one’s own experience. contrary to what a lot of people assume, just because a book is in [ x ] studies doesn’t mean [ x ] is going to understand it; this often comes as a rude awakening when people enter queer studies classes believing it to be an easy A simply because they also happen to be queer. these fields are built on decades / centuries of intellectual tradition that no one inherently Knows, any more than being part of a lineage means you know every single person in your family. what really matters here is a curiosity and dedication to take up a text day after day with the same critical, compassionate eye with which you took up the project of neuroqueer self-determination that brought you here.

lastly, relatedly (and most challengingly for me): accept that you’re never going to understand 100% of anything, ever. as a professor of mine says, give up the patriarchal, colonial desire to “master” a text, to make it submit to you its full, transparent meaning. not only is it not going to happen, but it’s a violent relationship to have with knowledge, both to yourself and your “object.” learning is a lifelong process (hence the importance of re-reading) and Authoring Autism, etc. will stick around regardless of when you’re able to tackle it and in what capacity. i definitely relate to the anger and frustration at feeling “incompetent” in the face of a difficult text, but i try to reframe it as an opportunity to learn, like i’m on a new date and listening to someone tell me about their life for the first time. i won’t get it all on the first try but if it catches my interest, i’ll stick around.

idk if any of this was helpful, and please feel free to message with any other qs, i’m really really really really passionate about ensuring scholarly work is available to those outside the academy & that everyone has the opportunity to engage with it so please consider me a resource in all regards!!

#ask #mosslibrary #ref #academia

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concerningwolves · 4 years

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Hi! You totally don't have to answer to this if you don't want to, but here goes! I've always thought I'm NT bc I'm socially and academically "functional" (Idk how to express that) but I've always related a lot to adhd/autism symptoms. I always brush it off bc I have high grades in school and can (more or less) handle myself in social situations, is it still possible that I might be neurodivergent in some way or another?

Hello!

So, to preface this: I’m not an expert. And now that’s clear, I can answer your question based on my experience/what I’ve learned since diagnosis.

Something I’ve had to work hard to un-internalise is the idea that social and academic success are the be-all end-all of neurodiversity. Turns out, being neurodivergent is a broad spectrum of things ranging from sensory processing disorders to mental illness to ADHD or Autistic Spectrum Condition. Sometimes these things are bundled together and sometimes they exist on their own.

Something else that I’ve had to unlearn is “functionality”. It’s common to judge your personal wellbeing and worth based on how productive and functional you are, which.... doesn’t do anyone any good.

My mum, for example, is dyslexic. She didn’t get a diagnosis until last year, when she started therapy for an entirely unrelated reason. In retrospect, she says it should have been very obvious that she was dyslexic - but she was never diagnosed because, in every other respect, she was functional. She didn’t fit the stereotype of “child failing abysmally in school and academic pursuits” that dyslexia invokes. Her areas of difficulty are time management, spelling and organisation/routines, all of which got written off as “forgetfulness”.

Many people, including the teachers and doctors who should to pick up on these things, have a fixedly narrow vision of what “neurodivergent” looks like. This is influencedlargely by depictions in media and popular (pseudo)science - and these things influence the social subconsciousness’ idea of neurodivergency. It’s a vicious cycle.

If you’d told me prior to my breakdown in 2017 that I was autistic, I’d have laughed in your face. But the breakdown, as such severe events often do, completely flipped my view of myself. I realised that actually, yeah, it makes sense. (And it was a huge relief to have someone say to me “You don’t have psychosis or BPD, and you’re not making this up: you’re autistic”).

So, is it possible you could be neurodivergent? Yes! It is! But what do you do about it?

In an ideal world, you would go to a (free, accessible) mental health service and ask to speak to someone who could talk you through your feelings. But, alas, we don’t live in an ideal world (yet). Diagnosis and assessments are locked behind paywalls or waiting lists, or ridiculous entry standards that most ND people don’t meet anyway.

In my opinion, the best thing you can if you think you’re ND is to use ND coping mechanisms and see if it helps.

@thebibliosphere just posted a discussion about NT people using ND strategies, which I recommend having a read of.

Stuff like stimming or reward systems don’t belong solely to ND people: if it helps, use it! The core of neurodiversity is that our brains are wired differently and therefore require different coping mechanisms to help us make sense of the world. And because everyone is unique, an NT person could still need to use a typically ND coping mechanism to navigate the world, too.

Diagnosis is nice because it opens doors and gives you access to the language you need to express yourself, but you don’t need to have one. There’s so, so much information available to you now on the internet or in books about how to cope with the world as an ND person, so use it (even if you’re not sure if you are ND). And if it turns out that you’re neurotypical in the end? That’s fine. You can keep using it.

What’s important is that you help you. The rest is secondary.

#autism #adhd #Anonymous #autism stuff

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mybookplacenet · 5 years

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Featured Author Interview: C.M. Albert

Tell us about yourself and your books.: Hey, everyone! I'm USA Today best-selling author CM Albert, but you can call me Colleen. I write steamy contemporary romances that have a lot of heart, a little dash of humor, and a whole lot of heat. Kind of like life, I celebrate both the human side of relationships (growth, disfunction, overcoming adversity) and the physical aspects (intimacy, sexual, pushing boundaries). All of my books have a happy-ever-after, because above all else, I believe in the power nd healing ability of love. Do you have any unusual writing habits? I usually always type my books on my laptop, but for some reason, my newest unpublished book came to me fast and furious and wanted to be handwritten out. Because I started with a Scentos scented gel pen, I have since handwritten every chapter using one! This is the weirdest way I have ever written a book, but it's also been fun and very liberating. What authors have influenced you? Bertrice Small, Colleen Hoover, Melissa Foster, Haven Kimmel, Skye Warren, Nora Roberts, LJ Shen . . . so many! Do you have any advice for new authors? Be patient and don't give up! I didn't publish my first book until I was 42 -- and I'm now a USAT best-selling author. It didn't happen over night. You have to learn the business, be humble, make connections, observe those you respect in the field, be an active reader in your genre, and STAY AT IT...even when you want to quit. I truly believe that if you have a book inside you, it will keep screaming at you until you let it out! You got this! What is the best advice you have ever heard? Your voice needs to be heard, so stay in your lane and don't compare yourself to other writers or try to be someone you're not; stay true to yourself, and your readers will find you. You will write so much more authentically when you do this, and your readers will love your books even more because of it. Nothing feels or reads as authentically as knowing and being yourself. What are you reading now? I am currently reading an ARC of Burn by Alexandra Silva which comes out this month! What's your biggest weakness? Currently, it's gluten-free pizza. It's the only thing that has gotten me through my current book deadlines. What is your favorite book of all time? The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. What has inspired you and your writing style? What's inspired me most is writing the books I'd want to read. I like books that really have a lot of personal growth and self-exploration. Some of that comes to life in my books as a character's soul searching and growth. The one thing I believe most in life is that you're only one chance from a completely new life. Sometimes we make bad choices, but we can always find redemption. I'm also a highly confident woman with sex-positive views, and so physical intimacy plays a big part of my writing. What are you working on now? I am currently simultaneously writing three books (I wish I was kidding!): Bet on Love and Schooled by Love, the next two stand-alone books in the Arden's Glen Romance series, and The Fire in His Touch, book two of the Love in LA Quarter. My goal is to have all three published and released this year. What is your method for promoting your work? I like finding new-to-me readers, so I am open to finding new promotion sites and newsletters. I also love an organic approach because I want to find TRUE, loyal readers who love my words. I've been lucky enough to build some very genuine relationships with a small handful of amazing bloggers, bookstagrammers, and fellow authors who have been the core to my promotions in addition to paid promotions. In the Indie writing community, it definitely takes a village and I am lucky to have strong friendships. What's next for you as a writer? I'm really trying to expand my reach and audience and take my writing career to the next level, so a lot of my background work has been in learning from other authors I admire and who have had the success I'd love to see. I also want to finish my Love in LA Quartet and the ten works in progress that I have started, and branch out into audio books next year. A movie deal would be nice too, if I'm dreaming. How well do you work under pressure? If you ask me, I'd say I work great under pressure. If you ask my family, or my nervous system, they'd probably say, "Not so much!" One of the reasons I like being an Indie author is because I get to set my own schedule and timeline, and it can be as flexible as I need it to be with family obligations. That said, I've always been a Type A personality, and that's hard to shut off sometimes, especially when the creativity is flowing or I want to rule the world. ; ) How do you decide what tone to use with a particular piece of writing? It's always at the character's discretion. Faith in Love is so calming and soulful because of Celeste, Proof of Love is more snarky and jaded because of Dez, and Visions of Love is a little tentative but deeply romantic and hopeful because of Rosalie. Whereas, my multi-partner NA romance, The Stars in her Eyes, is young, fun, sharp, and HOT as all get out because of Creslyn and the three men she falls for. The characters "voice" also drives whether I write in 1st person or 3rd and I never force it for the genre, series, or expectations. It's always the characters and what they need for their voice to come alive and their hearts to be heard. Author Websites and Profiles C.M. Albert Website C.M. Albert Amazon Profile C.M. Albert Goodreads Profile C.M. Albert's Social Media Links Facebook Profile Twitter Account Instagram Account Pinterest Account Read the full article

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severestrangerenthusiast-blog · 7 years

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Unpopular and Unmade

I’m gonna be honest. School was always a fool’s game to me. From what I know of what happened early on, what I remember, no special talents were identified in yours truly. I recall trying very hard to pay attention, especially when it was made a point that I was not keeping up. Looking back, the experience across the board and within the incremental process was full of self-disappointment, emotional put downs, and constantly led me to try little to excel. By 2nd grade, I knew nothing and knew I knew nothing. By 3rd grade, it was obvious to me that I was being treated differently than others and that it was affecting my level of interaction with others. By 5th grade, school was beyond stressful. The prospect of going into middle school was daunting, knowing the proficiencies I was lacking as I continued to know that I knew nothing by comparison to average students. The harder I tried to make myself better at school, as it was taught to me, the harder things got for me, for at every turn of achievement the ladder only got taller and the rungs farther apart. I kept on having to jump higher and higher, faster and faster, while my classmates seemingly enjoyed themselves, accessing a wide network of friends and mentors and by the merits of the education system, clubs, teams, and activities outside of school. Others who were not as social even seemed to be having a grand old time compared with the tediously boring and eventually self-deprecating tasks of study-hall and “special” classes devoted to “slow learners.” Where student quality was already in salvage mode, quality students were the last thing I ran into. C, D, and F students were all lumped in together. We were encouraged to be aware of our faults and discouraged of our ability at the same time. It was a bad environment to say the least, but that it coexisted with a relatively healthy or supportive education system for others is still more interesting.

Before education took root, I knew that I am here because I want to be here, because I want things to be the way they are, a wisdom eternal and hidden from ourselves for too long. In other words, everything is in order and there is nothing of which to resent or be ashamed. That feeling was only compromised during transitions from one level to another, between elementary and middle, middle and high, and high school and university. The feelings I was having and have again today are irrevocable and unyielding, despite my efforts to ignore them for a period. I was meant to journey through a struggle, so that I could defeat it in ways that accelerate its total demise. Hence, I didn’t resist the schools or the religions, the cliques, or the hopes of parents. I never fought for any reason and never denied the envy that comes with witnessing more popular routes being taken than the one I felt I had to follow.

Going against the grind wasn’t just cool to me. On the contrary, I thought it to be unwise or distasteful, but it was and is who I am. Whether it was out of visceral necessity or something more abstract, I always opted for counter-strategy, cunning, and caution above and beyond the merits of society despite my moral and computational limitations. I knew the power of silence, patience, timing, and fear, but there was something, finally, that I didn’t know, that I learned to my benefit toward the completion of the undergraduate years.

I had forgotten how integral each of those powers were to a whole, autonomous, and unique being. Before that realization took place, fear was taking priority and pervaded all interests, exemplified through many preventable embarrassments of hidden insecurity. Even if I had loads of money or privilege, the mind had always remained in a mode of survival. The years of education, through college, never had me in a single protest, nor truly devoted to any club, society, or cause, no explicit passions whatsoever, exiting many personally novel commitments half-way through initiation. Nothing felt right except to stay in and hunker down. If something did catch my eye, it would be oppressed and repressed quite consciously, and yet, at great pain. Devotion itself was often worthless to me, so it would appear to others. A nihilist from birth, so I believed, there were neither freedom nor salvation to gain. Still, life today has paid for those older days.

Why this is true depends on a will to bring the authenticity of such a statement into the world, to be and not be made, as a creator of creation, as an atheist of God. The occurrence of any depth of resolution, as a journey to scale, brings measurable improvement. A stream of substantial reciprocity like this is reliable, simple, and risky enough to be real. Indeed, life may be worth the effort it takes to live. Mistakes and incremental corrections of mistakes can effectively endorse more and more efficient improvements upon our lives. Some call it common sense, but if only it were a fact so commonly utilized. What is accumulated over time is an integrated pattern of information that comes with and offers us very satisfying adaptations, a synergy as it were. To make it the best we can make it, we also can pass those adaptations out of the abstract and into the eternal spectrum that contrasts our very narrow view of the world, investing in the foundations of our highest desires and highest powers. Of course, finding those foundations is easier said than done.

To know and not just say confidently that this generational, compounding, and benevolent element exists, it would need to prove to the living, every day, that it is worth keeping, and all that need be done then is to keep it. Seeds are for spreading, but then, come harvest, many are for saving, and on and on it goes, getting better and better. More complex versions of existence seem to consistently await us regardless of our values, obliging us to keep our values up to date with the current or future trends and patterns of the world we behold. It is, therefore, important to state that it is because of this sacred and very human phenomenon of tradition and intergenerational culture that any of us are prospering or alive at all. The Earth, the Sun, the Moon, and, in fact, the Universe has been giving itself to and passing through all of us, since we were around long enough to receive it. Some see the sacred in the outstanding cultural objects, and some see it in the less exposed and more under-pinning, negative nature of the world as we know it. Put another way, the epigenetic field is as pertinent and pervasive as the genetic field, from which so many are most comfortable sourcing their proof of life-worth or identity. Someone we cannot ever meet and that never personally met anyone living today took far-reaching action, through both time and space, for us to live in a relatively pleasant way, and that miracle of that conscientiousness is more common in places that also aspire to a rich future, to viable spaces to raise children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Mere life alone is not much a miracle of notice, but so is the making of it.

Now, I have to start on why this was meant to be. I was wise and I was weird, because the schools held me back, put me down, made me vulnerable, were frustrated by me, and, yet, I stayed out of drugs and drama, had few friends, started no fights, picked on no one, respected all authorities, tolerated abuse, used manners, followed directions, and kept coming back for more. We would have to go back to pre-school to find a Josh that attempted to physically exit the classroom, prying open windows to escape and having to be torn from the classroom door when dropped off in the morning. By kindergarten I realized that my limitations had been set within that room and other rooms alike. It would have to be tolerated.

In undergraduate, not much had really changed and I have now easily, nostalgically compared the anticipation of college with that of middle school. I wasn’t very kind to myself. The first two semesters marked the best and worst times and some of the most defining moments of my life. If I was supposed to go somewhere, I’d go there due to compulsion, guilt, utter loyalty, or sincere submission to authority. Waiting till the last second to do homework or show up for class was as routine then as it was in elementary; miserable the whole way and facing inevitable punishment through and through, forcing everything and knowing I would have to do more when it was over for everyone else. I was preparing for overtime and hating it more each day. The odds were always great in breaking through personal limitations, thought to be fixed by prior experiences and cynical, desacralized philosophies of hopeless, oppressed positions against the world. The demands made by school were, by the college years, the least of my concern; only willing to comply out of a curiosity for higher possibilities that thankfully always managed to slip through my tortured beliefs of helplessness. Obsessions allowed me to be a student. My lacking mathematical skills had scarred me and I saw the SAT as the last mark I would have to carry, likening the introduction to a university to that of a prison or higher-level self-torture camp, where I could discover even more deeply how dumb I was. The only escape was to distract myself with studies that the university would not offer undergrads who required prerequisites most students had completed in high school.

I went to school again, followed directions, but never deeply or truly believed in the process or that anything was right about it. The experience of higher learning and formal learning was a great suffering that repulsed me. It disgusted me further to discover that a college education was considered high leisure, but I adapted it in some useful way, improving steadily with the extermination of the discomfort and complaint that has plagued my life and others’ lives thus. My optimism grew to maturity in the last 3 out of 5 years of undergraduate curricula. Employment instilled, finally, a sense of dignity, of progress and not stagnation, heading for change and not heading for eternal disappointment. All of schooling has been and still is a journey of self-discovery, although it had a rough beginning.

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