#still working through all the music i wrote down too and can't even add anything to the sheet bc it's too crowded lmao

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Trying to finish off a glass of apple juice before the ant entering the cup can fall in and drown

#this room's got tiny ants.. idk what kind; not pharaoh or ghost and those are the main tiny ants i know of so?? this is a mystery #it's only a few so theyre basically scouting and im not concerned about it; i just wanna know who they are lmao #am just. figuring out what to do with my day bc im in a weird place rn.. #listening to more music than i ever thought possible really; pulled up an 80 song playlist like yeah!! lets GO #still working through all the music i wrote down too and can't even add anything to the sheet bc it's too crowded lmao #i wanna post how bad it looks lmao; consuming audio at a frankly meteoric rate #if only i could watch things that quickly; am trying to work on b.sd and my 4th ant arc rewatch and im enjoying both of them!! i just gotta. #actually do it h a h a #also WOW how is it almost july already what #hoatm rants

[munsonenthisiast]

Then & Forever

A/N: I wrote this in like five days and had my bestie edit. This is my first time writing anything, but I love Josh so-

Summary: Since you started working for GVF, you and Josh had grown close to each other over the years. This time you hope your feelings don't get in the way of ruining everything you built.

Contains: Smut, drinking, smoking, cursing

WC: 10.9k

"So you're saying that. . . you've never played an instrument before?" Sam pointed at his bass. You laughed at the question, sipping your beer. "Correct." Sam furrowed his face in confusion. "Then why do you have a degree IN music if you can't play?" Josh hit Sam on the shoulder with a pencil making a small face. You shrugged your shoulders, swishing the alcohol around your mouth. "I don't know, It's just something I've never wanted to do, you know. I guess it's one thing knowing about an instrument rather than playing it."

Everyone nodded in agreement. "Well, if you did play anything I'm sure you'd be really good at it." Josh smiled towards you. He went back to writing in his journal while everyone else went back to respectively playing their own instruments.

But for you, it seemed a long way home. Never did it cross your mind that you would basically be living with four different people from time to time. Especially not so quickly. Greta Van Fleet was your first job, and really, first anything. From high school until now, you were alone. Which made you a little grumpy when working with people, but none the less you warmed up to them quickly. Especially Josh, who always seemed attached to the hip with you.

Josh may have annoyed you a tiny bit at first, but his euphoric mind is what intrigued you in the first place. He always seemed so wise, knowing the right answer to everything. And the way he wrote the lyrics to songs, just naturally appeared to him somehow. It was truly magic.

Jake smacked you on the arm, calling for your attention. "Ok, what do you think of this." He pulled the guitar over his lap, playing the notes he came up with. You quickly wrote down the notes he played, looking out for any correction. "So what do you think?" He asked, flailing his arms around. Running your pencil down the piece of paper, you started to shake your head. "I think it sounds pretty good," you said looking at Josh, who also nodded his head in compliance. "What would also sound cool is if you gave it a little vibrato during a live show."

Jake smiled writing the commentary down on a sticky note. "You know, for not knowing how to play, you really are smart with this kind of stuff." You glared your eyes at him, snickering just a little bit. Everyone worked for a couple of more hours, before calling it a night. Danny and Sam were practically sleeping on each other.

You shook Sam awake, snatching his car keys from his hand. "We'll both be dead if you drive, and were the most important in the band. Well, besides Danny. And Jake. And Josh." You twirled the keys around your finger while Sam stretched to get awake. Josh flipped all the pages over in his journal, turning to you. "We got pretty far today, don't you think?" Josh smiled at his brothers, who were already arguing about something. "Yeah. Maybe we'll get better stuff done tomorrow, you know. This is supposed to be the 'fun' part," you said using air quotations, "but the most boring part out of everything. But maybe, in the end, it'll all be worth it." you hit Josh's arm softly.

"Are you going with Sam?" you nodded quickly. "Yeah, I kind of promised him I would help him with some stuff in the morning." Josh looked sadder than ever. You smiled at Josh, noticing Sam waiting by the door with Jake and Danny. "I'll see you later." You gave Josh a quick kiss on the head.

"Let's go." you wiggled a finger at Sam, practically dragging him to the car. The ride to Sam's house was fairly quiet other than the little snores coming from him. It was nice to get a moment or two of peace to yourself. Working and living with four grown men gave no room for privacy. Everything is shared between you all. Which you had to admit, scared you a little at first because you've always grown up with a sister and maybe a few girlfriends here and there; but you were never as close to them, then as you were to the band.

The house was quiet when you walked in, dark and dim from the night sky. Sam immediately walked to his bedroom, and passed out on his bed. Which left you alone in the kitchen. Putting some of the items away in cabinets, you looked around at all the brothers' family photos, including some of Danny. It made you smile to yourself to see some of them so young and happy. Maybe a little vulnerable too. You were a little envious of how confident some of them had been with their work, just being able to put themselves out there, accepting failure. Not you though. Failure made you angry, furious even. Sometimes it got so bad, you'd hide away for days without any contact with the outside world.

After putting all the trash away, you headed back to the spare room. You turned on all the lights, changing into some warmer clothing. Crawling under the sheets, sleep came easy that night.

-

When you woke up, the blinds had been left the night before causing you to shoot out of bed. Quickly rubbing your eyes, you went to the bathroom to clean up a bit. When you walked towards the kitchen, your feet padded beneath you. Sam still wasn't up, which was pretty normal. You started some coffee and cooked breakfast for the two of you. Though, something triggered you to open a forbidden drawer and bum a cigarette. Quickly lighting it, you messed around with food until it was cooked.

"A cigarette at 8 in the morning?" Sam questioned groggily, clad in just sweatpants. "Well, you know me; I only smoke when I'm forgetting something." You both said in unison. You quickly waved him off, pouring food onto a plate for both of you. "I wonder WHO you're forgetting." You scrunched your face, looking around the room. "What do you mean who?" Sam scoffed. "Josh," You quickly rolled your eyes, slamming the plate down on the table "Eat the fucking food you loser." You both contently ate in peace while making some playful banter here and there. "So what exactly do you need help with?" Sam pulled out a cigarette from the cartridge, silently lighting.

"I need help with a decision." Sam stared at you while you nodded your in question, pretending like you at least understood what he was talking about. "Look, I just want you to go with me to buy another bass, ok. And I want to go to the record store." Narrowing your eyes, you pulled the cigarette from him. "I feel like this is something completely different than what you're telling me." Sam shook his head slowly. "Nope. I still want to keep the mint-colored bass, but I just want to have a cool collection, you know. Oh, let's buy something expensive!" He pointed the smoke at you, while you collected the dishes to put in the sink. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves, please. We can not go broke. Not like last time." You shuddered at the thought.

"Thanks for the food. I'm gonna get ready." You flinched your eyebrows and kept washing the dishes, putting them in the dishwasher. You quickly went back to the room for a change of clothes. By the time you were done, Sam was waiting at the door for you. Grabbing your coat and your shoes, you both headed out the door. Sam was walking coolly beside you, as you both looked around the town. Shops were lining down the small street, with cars passing through. He put his arm around your shoulder as you both passed through large crowds. Finally finding the music shop, you both walked in, heading to a certain section.

"So remind me," He paused to look at a sleek grey bass, flipping it over a couple of times. "Why don't you ever get with Josh? I mean he obviously likes you." You scoffed a little bit at his statement. "I thought we were here for you Sam, not to talk about me." You picked up a dark wood bass, showing it to Sam. "I mean with that same logic why don't I ever get with you? I mean we're close, right?" He rolled his eyes, still playing with the instrument you showed him.

"I think I like this one." Sam brought it up to the counter, talking to the girl up front. Who seemed to really enjoy the conversation they were having. Turning on your heel, you waited by the door playing with some random drum sticks. Sam eventually walked over and led you out. "It'll be delivered in a couple of weeks. I bought a whole new one." You pursed your lips smiling at Sam. "Did you also manage to snag that poor girl's number?"

Sam pushed you upside the head as you walked into the record store. You both parted ways looking at different sections. You flipped through vintage albums, picking out random ones you thought everyone would enjoy. After looking through some more, Sam found you and walked to the front to pay. "You found quite a lot there," Sam said, peeking through the ones in your hand.

"Yeah, figured I could add a bit to my very depressing collection." you chuckled, looking at one of the sleek covers. "Don't you have like two?" you glared back at Sam. "Which I believe are both of your band's albums." Sam laughed. You both paid, bags in hand.

"So what now?" you asked Sam as you both mindlessly walked around. "Probably go home. Want me to take you back?" You nodded in agreement and headed back to his car.

-

After saying goodbye to Sam, you walked back up the stairs to your apartment. When you opened the door, Josh appeared from your room, causing you to nearly break the table in the hallway.

"What the hell Josh!" He shrugged his shoulders, making his way to the couch. "What are you doing here?"

"I was waiting until you got back from hanging out with my brother. What were you two doing anyway?" Pouring a glass of water from the sink, you took a sip, and made your way to the couch next to Josh. You leaned your head back on the cushion, staring at the ceiling. "Sam bought a pretty hefty bass, and bought more records." You looked over at Josh. "What about you?"

"Well you know," he sighed. "Tried to work on writing up some new lyrics. Even went over to Danny's and Jake's to work some stuff out. It's coming along nicely." Setting the cup down on the coffee table, you looped an arm around Josh's, leaning your head on his shoulder. "Good. It'll come out beautifully in the end," you said patting his hand. You sniffed, sitting up in your seat. "Are you staying for dinner?" Josh hummed looking up at you. "Oh yeah. I was actually wondering if I could stay for the night; get's kind of lonely at my place." You nodded.

"Yeah, that's fine." You walked over to the kitchen. "Anything in mind you want to eat?" you asked. "Uh, how about that chicken. The one you make with the rice, mushrooms, and asparagus." You started to pull out the pots and pans, placing them on the stove. You leaned back on the counter watching everything cook. To be quite frank, you didn't know how you would handle Josh staying over. Of course, you and Josh were rather close, it even shocked people that you knew each other so well. After all, he knew you better than your own blood.

Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing. On one hand, it would give you time to think some things over and ponder the questions Sam had asked you earlier today. And then you could for sure decide what you wanted to do. You grabbed some plates and moved the food over to the table. Josh was already seated, patiently awaiting your arrival.

"Looks good, as always." he complimented, raising his hands towards you. "Thanks, Josh." you smiled.

"So," he said, chewing his food. "What happened at the music store?" Rolling your eyes at the thought of Sam annoying you, you told him about how he was flirting with the girl at the front desk. "I mean just giggling, and laughing, it was like watching teenagers make out." You made a small coughing noise thinking about Sam flirting with that poor girl. "But, you know, as they say, there's someone for everyone," you said sarcastically, shaking your head. Josh let out a high-pitched laugh at Sam. "That's Sam for you. He bore you with anything else?"

You thought about all the moments were Sam had bullied you over liking Josh or falling in love with Josh. Of course, you loved Josh but you weren't sure whether you were 'in love' with him per se. He was practically your other half. Nobody else could compare to that. But it was hard to decipher whether you even liked him like that. "You know. The usual; stuff about when you all were younger and more embarrassing moments."

Josh covered his face with his hands, groaning. "I hope it wasn't all too bad." He shook his head, eating the last bits of food. "Not at all, actually." As you both finished your plates, you sat in comfortable silence. That was until Josh spoke out about something.

"Hey remember that time- ugh geez, when was it," he asked, pressing on his face. "Probably around the time I first met you, and I pretty much knew then you hated my fucking guts, man" You let out a breath at the thought of Josh thinking you hated him. "But that was also the time I kept catching you listening to the album at the time. Just over and over and over again." Josh just shook his head thinking of you. "I didn't- hate you," you confessed. "I just really didn't know how to be around people so much. I did like that album though." you laughed, pointing at Josh. Who also laughed along with you. "Look, I'm sorry I made you feel that way; I just, I've never really had close friends like you." Before he could say anything back, you picked up the plates, placing them in the sink.

From inside the kitchen, you could hear him talking to his brothers on the phone. The usual screaming, laughing, and anger from whatever stupid joke someone told. It honestly made you wish you were closer to your own sister. Whom you haven't spoken to in the past ten years. After you finished off with the dishes, you walked to your bedroom. Which was hard to admit, but you had an entire wall full of Greta Van Fleet photos from when you first started working with them because you had a hard time telling who was who.

"Oh, I remember these photos!" Josh exclaimed as walked into your room. He marveled at all the photos you had printed out and plastered on the wall. Some even had labels of all the boy's names. "Yeah, a little creepy, don't you think?"

Josh shrugged. "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt because you didn't know who we were, and I know some people have a hard time differentiating between us twins." You turned around and opened up the bag full of record vinyl, handing some to Josh. "Here, I bought some for you earlier, and I figured I could use some- given the only two I have are from your band." He giggled, flipping through the different albums. "Oh, Bob Dylan! What a legend and old Michael Jackson! Very good stuff." You patted his shoulder as you put away all the other albums on a shelf.

"So, the spare bedroom should be good-" Josh cut you off. "I was hoping to sleep with you, actually. Unless that makes you too uncomfortable." You nearly choked on your own spit when Josh asked you that. You really didn't think he'd be that lonely. "Um, no that's fine. I'm sure I have someone's clothes here you can use." He grinned.

"Thanks." You handed him some spare clothes and left him to change in the bathroom. When you returned he was already tucked in, facing the wall with the pictures. Turning off the light, you quietly slid in next to him. You'd never really been in this much of an intimate situation, no less next to Josh. It wasn't awkward, but it was just hard to decipher the feelings of the both of you, and where he was going with his suggestion. "Can I ask you something?" Josh whispered. He turned around to face you closer.

"What was your initial thought when you first met me?" You laughed a little to yourself. "When I first met you I wanted to be exactly like you." Josh propped himself up on his elbow, leaning even closer to you.

"What about me?" he asked. "I don't know. You were always so confident, and the way you carried yourself; just, it made me so mad and angry that I couldn't be like that. Maybe that's why it came off that I hated you a little bit." Josh laid back down.

"Listen, you'll always be the best thing that happened to me. When I first met you, I thought you had the most brilliant mind out of everyone I ever met. Except for Danny. He's got an excellent brain." You smacked his arm laughing out loud.

"Thank you, Josh." You rolled over onto your side, hoping to fall asleep soon. Before you did though, you felt Josh slip an arm around your side; his face falling into the back of your neck. Soon, both of you fell asleep together.

-

When morning came the next day, Josh was still entangled in your back, but this time his arm was hugging you tighter. At any slight movement, he just pulled you closer. Finally giving up from moving away from Josh, you laid there silently in his arms. You silently traced the creases in his hand, thinking absentmindedly. He stirred a tiny bit but never woke. You took this time to turn around and look at him. His arm still wrapped around tightly on your shoulder; causing you to bury your face into his chest.

Inhaling his warm scent, you just about closed your eyes imagining a world where you were in love with him, and he loved you back. At this moment, he started to finally wake up. You decided to keep your eyes closed, too embarrassed to see what his reaction would be to find you both like this. You could feel Josh's eyes looking around the room before they made their way down to you. Feeling the certainty of him staring down at you made you panic a little. But then you could feel his hand start to part through your hair, moving it out of your face. His movement followed by leaning forward, giving you a long slow kiss on the forehead.

Then there was the fine sensation of his lips lingering on your skin. He started whispering your name, shaking you awake. You slowly blinked your eyes to make it look like you hadn't really been awake all this time. He smiled brightly when you both made eye contact. "Good morning," he said softly. You smiled, placing a hand on his chest. "Good morning Josh."

Letting out a little yawn, you turned over and sat up on the side of the bed. You sipped on some water that had been on you bedside for a while, then stretched out. "What do you plan on doing today?" you asked groggily. "Everyone wanted to meet up today and go over some stuff. Wanna join?" you quickly nodded your head.

"Great. Well then, I'll go take a shower and get ready." He walked away silently, leaving you all alone once more. Deciding against the better of things, you too got up to shower. While waiting for the water to heat up, you traced against the spots where Josh's hand had been.

It's like there was a space left on you, but you could only feel the invisible touch leftover from him. Jumping in the shower felt like you were committing a terrible sin. The handprint of Josh washed away as every drop of water hit your body. But it felt just as warm and comforting as him. After quickly getting dressed, you met Josh at the front door who was holding it open for you. The crisp autumn air surprised you in the face when you walked outside. The sidewalks weren't too busy but crowded to perfection

You both got in the car and drove to the studio. Everyone was already there by the time you two made it; For some reason, Josh had wanted to stop to get everyone coffee and a bagel, which you really couldn't say no to. Sam raised his eyebrows at you when you walked in with Josh pretty late. You hit him on the arm lightly. Sam rubbed the part of his arm, cursing you off. Everyone, including you, walked into a backroom set with all the instruments anyone could think of, and two very well-loved on couches.

The lights in the room were set to a dim, vintage-style brown, illuminating everyone's tan features. Josh handed the food out, starting the conversation. It varied from topic to topic.

"How is everyone?"

"Are there new ideas anyone wants to talk about?"

"How about we do this instead of that."

Josh snapped his fingers in front of your face, waving his hand around. "Hey silly, I asked you a question." you looked up quickly, meeting everyone's gaze. "Huh?"

"I said do you have any ideas on what we should wear?" You pulled out a small sketchbook from your jacket pocket showing Josh, and the rest of the band on the different aesthetics for clothing. "I was thinking about stitching some nudity art on the back for Josh. I'll probably go shopping for some silk and thread. I found this really cool jacket piece for Jake; I'll add some things on it, and a shiny blazer for Sam. As for Danny, I found these really nice pants, but I have to tailor them. I'm still trying to find a smooth shirt to go with."

You wrote down some reminder notes giving the rest some time to process anything and get started. Josh sat next to you on one of the couches, pulling out his note journal. He pointed out some of the lyrics, whispering to himself before showing it to you. "I came up with these this morning." your cheeks turned red, though you doubt Josh could see given how dark it was. You read through the lines in each glorious manner. They each had a delicate touch to them, written with something personal

It reminded you of something ethereal. Like being in outer space, and getting to look at all the planets from afar. "What are you thinking?" Josh asked. You let out a short breath before answering. "I think it's good. Really good in fact. I can feel it's personal to you, you know."

Before he could respond, there was a line of curses causing you both to look up. Jake was yelling at himself and the guitar in his hands with a tiny string poking out from the neck of the guitar.

"This fucking piece of shit keeps breaking," he he groaned, with gritted teeth. Rolling your eyes, you went to the other grabbing some new guitar strings. Handing them back Jake, he mumbled out a thank you. "Guess what, it's not that hard to get up and get new strings, Jake. I just did it by myself." Everyone laughed at your taunting to Jake, getting rid of his frustrated mood.

"Well, you're the best." He poked your shoulder. You headed back to another room to think about some more things. Possibly about Josh; but the majority for the band. Really working with them, never gave you time to put yourself out there. Which wasn't a terrible thing. In fact, you preferred not to out. You've always had a one-track mind. Focused too much on one thing, forgetting completely about anything else. It's probably why you'd failed out of most schools during your high school and college career. It always ended up being too much for your brain to handle.

Maybe that's what you feared most. Things always getting in the way; either making you angry, or angry enough to run away and never look back. You didn't want that with Josh. Nor did you want that for this band. You made some more scratch notes, listening to the muffled sound of music. After a while, you doodled in your notebook for some clothing ideas. Stitching had been one of the many skills that stuck with you since when. You never really knew where you learned to do such a thing.

Josh always told you how marvelous your work was. That it belonged in a museum of some sort. He knew somehow that you'd do great things with art. When sketching became boring, you shopped around online for some fabric, and thread, ordering what you needed. When finished some smaller portions of work, you fell back on the couch pushing your hair out of your face. Josh walked in at the right time, pulling you back into the studio.

"We hashed some things out, figured what don't and do want for some of the songs. Think we'll be ready to record in a few weeks." All the boys cheered each other on, pushing each other around. "I think this calls for a celebration over some drinks."

"Great idea. There's a bar a couple of blocks from here. What do you say?" Everyone hummed in agreement, piling out the door. Josh had a hand on your back as he walked you out through all the doors.

-

When you walked inside there were a few people seated around. It wasn't overbearing crazy. Everyone took a seat at the bar ordering drinks. You had already taken a couple of tequila shots to loosen up for the night. "So tell me," Josh slouched down in his seat. "What do you think the future holds for this band." You giggled, already a little drunk.

"What I think doesn't matter Josh. I think that you'll be successful in whatever you choose to do. I think it's you as the leader to help everyone along. In my opinion, they're here to support you and your ideas. I mean, of course, they have their own input but you get what I'm saying." Josh nodded along, sipping his drink. "That's quite a mouthful, but yeah. I'd do anything for these people. For Christ's sake, three of them are my brothers. And Danny I've known for like ever." He pointed to them, which they were all fighting about something.

Josh shook his head, looking down at the floor. He placed a hand on your shoulder as he left for another drink. Sam soon replaced Josh, slouching in the same position. "What were you two talking about." He waved a finger around your face. To which, you quickly swatted away. "He loves you, Sam. We love you. I love you, Sam."

Sam pursed his lips, squinting his eyes. "You're that drunk already?" You hummed looking at your watch seeing as only twenty minutes had passed. "Well Sam, the night's still young, so I'm willing to get fucking wasted if you are." He quickly nodded his head, ordering the two of you more drinks. As the night went on, all of you managed to play twelve rounds of pool (none of which you won), a game of cards, and meet totally random people. You, including the boys, were completely wasted and it wasn't even one in the morning. Danny and Jake had left to go god knows where, leaving you, Sam, and Josh talking to some random girl at a table. Looking over at Josh, you felt your heart hurt a little.

Sometimes you wish you had the assertiveness that Josh had to talk to him. Deep down you knew he would never reject you. He would randomly bring up why you never got together, but you always dismissed the conversation too scared of what might happen. Sam slipped next to you, turning his chair around to face you. He followed your line of sight, his eyes landing on Josh laughing with the same girl who's been here for hours.

"Look, if it pisses you off that much, talk to him later. It's not like he's gonna hate you for the rest of his life. He practically loves you to death." You shook your head, taking another drink of your beer. "I'm just- I'm not mad- I'll just never be able to be that person who can just randomly walk up to a person and fall 'in love' with them." You cried. Every time you think about it, you just want to go to bed and hide. "But how come I never end up with people like you or Jake or even sweet people like Danny. Why does it have to be Josh?"

Sam sat up in his chair, turning it back around to face the bar. "Why don't you try it. Maybe you fighting inside that big head of yours really doesn't like Josh after all." Sam said as he cradled your face, shaking it around. "Really?" Sam shrugged. "What's the worse that can happen? If something happens, so be it. Never hurts to try anything."

Sam bent down quickly, kissing you softly. His lips felt smooth against yours like running a hand over pliable silk. He swiftly ran a hand through your hair, pulling your face closer to his. Finally, he pulled away, smiling down at you.

"Nope." you shook your head. "Well hey, at least we know." He patted your shoulder, walking away towards a game of cards being played.

-

The next day you woke up with an intense headache. There was some leftover water and Ibuprofen on your nightstand. You didn't know how you made it back home or really remember anything at all from the night before.

You downed the pill and some water, making your way slowly to the bathroom, balancing yourself on a wall. You turned on the shower letting the hot water settle the uneasiness in your stomach. The pounding inside your head kept going on for what felt like hours. It didn't help either that you were trying so hard to remember the night before. Of course, you knew that you drank more than you could handle. Then there was Sam. But it all stopped there.

The shower helped a little bit. You danced around to find some clothes to get ready, or at least look decent. After getting ready, you drove back to Sam's. When he opened the door, you noticed Jake and Danny were there already. Except for no Josh. Not that it was out of the ordinary, it was just something you expected.

You made your way through his kitchen, pulling out a cigarette. "I don't think you really wanna be smoking that right now." You glared at him before putting the smoke out. "Um, do you remember what happened last night?" You asked, rubbing the small spot on your head in hopes to get rid of the pain. Sam bit into a piece of food, answering with his mouth full. "We kissed. Yeah," he nodded in assurance. "Yeah, we kissed." You let your head fall into your hands, groaning.

"How'd I get home?" Sam hummed, pointing his piece of food at you. "Josh. Although, he seemed pretty pissed at me. You were also super drunk." Right, you thought. Of course, this would happen to you. Partially you blamed yourself for being so stuck-up and bitchy most of the time, but part of you wishes Sam just pushed you away. Why were you so indecisive all the damn time? For once, it would be nice if you could make a whole-hearted decision without going out and fucking everything up.

You scratched around your eye, watching Sam as he went to go sit next to Jake.

4 weeks later. . .

It really had been almost a whole month that you had gone without talking to Josh. Some nights you wish you could pick up your phone and just text him, but you know it would go unnoticed. It hurt just a little bit. Every day you blamed yourself for screwing things up. When was it not your fault that something went wrong?

You sat bored at home. You tried to catch up on different things like laundry, cleaning, reorganizing literally everything, but nothing seemed to work. You muffled curses under your breath at nothing. That was until you got a text from Jake saying that everyone needed your 'strong womanly brain' to work with. Over the four-week period, you hadn't really talked with the other band members except for Danny (who seriously cares for anybody and everything), and Sam who just random stuff.

You flipped through a random magazine, flipping through the pages reading about the different styles and how to flaunt them. That was until a text from Sam disturbed you saying that everyone needed you at the studio ASAP.

You ran to your door faster than ever, quickly putting on your coat and shoes. When you arrived, no one was seen at first, so you went to the back and everyone was gathered around in a large, huddled circle. Jake was the first to greet you, Sam following close behind.

"Hey! I haven't seen you in a long time." Jake towered over you, pulling you into his side. "Yeah, my mom called. Wanted me to go see her." you lied, looking at Sam, who had just turned in the other direction. "Well, I hope she's doing good. Look, I wanted to see your opinion on some things. Just general stuff, okay?" you nodded. He led you back to a table and passed some papers around, and a little CD that had pre-recorded music. Before any of you could speak though, a door creaked loudly, and out came Josh with a petite girl beside him. His smile immediately disappeared when his eyes landed on you.

The girl looked. . . nice. In other words, she looked like a pleasant enough girl Josh would pick from a crowd. She had a tan, rich skin like his. With wavy, brown hair. Unlike Josh, she had more hazel-green eyes. Everyone stood there awkwardly, looking around at each other. You scratched the top of your head, eyes facing down towards the table. Jake cleared his throat before grabbing a seat for Josh, and the girl.

And of course, to make more room they were both seated in between you and Jake, making her sit right next to you. You smiled nervously towards her as she got herself situated. For a while, you stared at the velvet walls as Jake led on the conversation. You felt a little poke on your arm and noticed she was trying to talk to you.

"Hi, I'm Logan," she whispered. The one thing you noticed about Logan was her smile. It reminded you of Josh. His naturally bright teeth could make anyone instantly happier. "Y/N," you said curtly. You weren't the one to start a conversation, but luckily she made it easy.

"So, how do you know Josh?" she asked, pointing to him. You played around with your nails, turning to look at her. "Uh, I work for him," Not 'I'm his best friend or anything. Totally just ruined the relationship I had by kissing his younger brother because I'm really in love with the man your dating' "And them too, of course." you gave a hesitant laugh, pointing to the rest of them. She bit her lip, turning to listen to the conversation, and then back to you.

"How long have you known all of them, or like worked for them I guess?"

"Around three years. This will be my fourth I think." she nodded with your answer. Finally, she turned back around to listen to what Josh was saying.

You looked back down at the disc, swirling it around on the table. This is hard, you thought. It's all you can think about. Logan's so kind towards you; not the weirdly hostile type. She's not annoying, not inconclusive about anything. Logan's perfect in her own way. She's perfect to Josh. Something you've always wanted, but you, yourself stopped you from having.

"So, uh Y/N, can you take a listen to the CD?" Jake asked you. "Yeah. It'll just be a little later though. I have to finish some other stuff." There was silence as everyone stared at you. Including Josh, who seemed to have a permanent look on you.

"I can listen; if you're busy," Logan speaking up caught you by surprise. It may have angered you a bit because that was your job, to listen. You just looked back at Sam anxiously, who shook his head at you.

"Oh, my bad," Josh said loudly. "This is my girlfriend- Logan. Who you have all met before, but not Y/N. Forgot to introduce you two." If everyone hadn't been in the room right now, you would've gotten up and hit him right across the head. Logan kindly smiled back at you. "Yeah, we were talking earlier," She said pointing to you. "Well, as I said, I can listen if you can't."

If it was anybody else, you would've said something back already. But who were you to yell at this kind, beautiful woman next to you? Though, Sam must've read you wrong since quietly grabbed your wrist. "Sure," you said, handing the CD to Logan. Sitting back in your chair, defeated, what else were you supposed to do?

-

Another lousy week passed, and you wanted to jump off a roof. It had been raining for the past few days, never letting up once. No one had really made contact with you except Danny (you secretly loved him to death), and Sam. You were pretty sure the rest had picked up on the tense atmosphere and didn't want to bother you. No doubt, you probably wouldn't want to speak with yourself either.

You shrugged off a sweater, playing with the end of your sheets. Life was so boring now without any entertainment from anyone. You eventually rolled over on your back, staring a hole into the ceiling. You went over every excuse and explanation you could give to Josh. You understood why he was mad, you figured that much. But sometimes you wish he had his smart wisdom back to understand you better.

You fell to the floor sometime later, reading something random off the shelf. You flipped through the pages mindlessly before you heard some knocking at your door. You ran quickly, opening the door to find Sam standing there with bottles of gin and tequila in his hand. Laughing quietly, you led him inside, finding some bottles for drinks.

"What brings you around?" you raised your eyebrows, pouring some tequila for you and Sam. "Josh," he cleared his throat, taking a few sips. "What about Josh?" Trying to hold your breath, made you curious as to why Josh's younger brother was so angry at him. In fact, you wanted to burst out laughing. "He's so stubborn with everything, and the way he talks about you. God- it's like- I've never seen so much hatred from him." Sam shook his head downing the rest of his drink. He poured some more in his cup and your cup.

You took Sam's hand leading him to your room. You put on Labi Siffre, an old, classic album. You also turned on one of your dim colored lights. They lit up Sam's cheekbones perfectly, making his pale skin glow flawlessly. It looked smooth enough to run a finger over and feel the gentle, velvety skin of Sam.

"How does he talk about me?" Sam closed his eyes, thinking. "He just doesn't let go of the subject. Anytime you or I come up, it's just this rage of fury from him. He almost shuts down essentially. You know," he burped. "They all went out tonight."

You hummed at that. "They all went out, leaving behind you and me." You scoffed at the thought of Josh with Logan at your favorite bar or restaurant. "I'm so sorry Sam." You rubbed his arm, looking down at the floor next to your bed. "That was you and your brother's relationship, and I just," you flicked your hands, making a whoosh sound. Sam laughed, leaning into your side. "Don't worry about it. I like helping you out. Josh can be a little much sometimes."

You elbowed him in the side thinking about something. "Hey whatever happened to the girl from the music shop? You ever talk to her lately?"

"Yeah," he huffed out. "We've been talking lately. She wants to meet up sometime soon, but I don't know." You cocked your head to the side. "Why not. You clearly like her and she really likes you. I don't remember when the last time some actually liked you." Sam pretended he was hurt, pushing you to the side. "I'll ask her sometime when I'm not busy. She's nice."

"And pretty?" you questioned. Sam let out a laugh, swirling the alcohol in his cup. "Very pretty." You both let out sighs sitting in comfortable silence. Although, your mind was occupied with thoughts of Josh, swirling around and never-ending. There were times you just wanted to get up and say fuck it and try to at least explain. But of course, the rejection of him never wanting to be your friend again would kill you. Maybe this was the universe's cruel way of saying you and Josh were never meant to be together in the first place.

If so, you hated it.

-

Surprisingly, Sam was the first to wake up. Which rarely happens considering how well you knew him. The poor boy slept through everything. He started shaking you awake, poking and tickling your sides. "Are you dead, jeez?" You quickly rubbed your eyes, sitting up. "Sorry, the alcohol must've really knocked me out." Sam stifled a yawn, sitting on the edge of your bed. "Well, we can do one of two things today," he noted. "We can either go to the studio and face my brother, or we can- do nothing else. That's really it. I kind of swore I would be there today."

You couldn't stay inside any longer. You decided against the greater good to tag along with Sam. Maybe you could talk with Josh, and clear the air. "Can I go with you?" Sam nodded feverishly. "Of course; that's like your job."

"It doesn't feel like it. Logan's pretty much taking over, so what's the point of me." You scoffed thinking of the mellow girl who seemed to get along with everyone. You hated to slander her, but you just wanted Josh back. You and Sam left in a rush, hastily driving to the studio. You walked inside with a cigarette dangling from your lips, smoke escaping through your nose. Sweat seeped from your palms making you excited and nervous at the same time. You felt like an outsider coming in on your job. Thinking about seeing Josh made it worse.

"Hello, Hello Y/N" Danny strutted over, hairs sticking to his forehead. He pulled you in for a tight hug, nearly suffocating you. "Hey, Daniel." you moved the hairs around his face so you could see him better. "Long time, no see, man." He laughed walking back to his seat behind the drum kit. You followed Sam to the other rooms where Jake and Josh might be hiding. Sure enough, Josh was standing next to his twin, listening to a riff he was playing. They immediately stopped talking to each other. Josh scoffed at you as Sam led you inside, beside him.

"Look what the cat dragged in!" Josh said it lowly, spitting it towards you. Your eyes looked down, not daring to ever lookup. "Hey Josh," Sam patted him on the shoulder. You looked awkwardly around the room looking for a means to escape. When you realized there wasn't one, you looked back at Josh. He quietly talked to Jake about something before turning to you. You tried to look away fast enough, but his eyes caught yours. Josh started to stalk close to you, exhaling a breath. "Hey," you thought he might've not heard you, but his response caught you off guard.

"Hey, Y/N" He sniffled a little bit before turning towards you. "Care to take a walk with me? Could use some fresh air." You nodded your head silently, following after him. If your anxiety hadn't kicked in yet, it sure as hell did now. Josh was never a person to scare you. He was too light and giddy for him to be somewhat freighting.

He walked slightly behind you with a hand on the small of your back. Josh eventually let go of you when you both made it to the sidewalk. The people around you made the silence slightly more comfortable but you wished you had something to think about other than Josh. After a few more moments of silence, you decided to speak up, but Josh beat you to it. "I'm sorry for being an ass," he cleared it all out on one breath. You scoffed at him. "I think you were being more than an ass, Josh." He suddenly slowed his walking to match your pace.

"You pretty much left me in the wind. I thought I lost my best friend," you nudged him softly in the ribcage, laughing. He held a hand over his chest, heaving out a relieved breath. "I thought you were going to hate me forever." You pointed at him before saying: "Pull anything like that again, and I'll do more than just hate you forever."

Josh held his hands up abruptly like you had caught him stealing something. "I promise." You smirked. The both of you walked around endlessly making small talk here and there. Part of you was glad that you and Josh had cleared the air. Although, you hadn't really talked with him about Sam. It embarrassed you just thinking about the whole situation.

After you made a full round of the streets, Josh walked you back inside the studio. It was hours before anyone ever got to go home. The moon had fully risen and was shining brightly in the sky. You stared up like a child, holding on tightly to your coat. When you were making your way towards Sam's car Josh had grabbed you by the elbow.

"Y/N," Josh fiddled around with the collar of his jacket, looking down at the concrete. Even though it was pitch black outside, you could tell Josh's face was heating up. "I was wondering if you wanted to come back with me? I know Sam was taking you home, but I still feel like we need to talk." A small smile started to quickly form. You nodded not thinking about the harm that could come from staying with Josh.

"Yeah, sure." you let a hesitant sigh before following him once more. When you arrived inside Josh's home it felt almost foreign. There were slightly disheveled things around, but nothing had really changed. It still had all the same scattered records on the coffee table as well as random books set around the countertops. Josh flipped on the light switch and went towards the kitchen. He came back out and handed you a cup of water before taking off his coat.

"I know, it's been a long time since we spoke," he started. "or even hung out together."

You nodded, sipping some of the water. "Yeah, I kind of missed that."

-

After you and Josh got situated, he led you back to his room. There was a dim lamp, along with some new fairy lights scattered around the ceiling. "Fairy lights?" You pointed to the little bulbs sparkling brightly. "Oh, yeah," Josh was picking out a record, finally placing it on the player. It was an album you hadn't heard before, but it seemed to fit the mood well enough. Looking around for a little bit longer you come to find some old pictures on the floor. Squatting down, you noticed they were photos of his brothers and Daniel when they were younger. But what really caught your attention was a stack neatly dedicated to you.

Some of the photos had showcased some of you and Josh's late adventures, and the concerts you had appeared to. One in particular in which Josh had his arms wrapped around your middle, seated around a bonfire. That was a night you remember very clearly. That was when you realized how much you loved Josh. He never left your side and coddled you close to him. The memory warmed your heart making it beat a tiny bit faster.

"That was a very hot summer night if I remember correctly." Josh peered over your shoulder, studying the picture. "Yeah, it was. Then I passed out inside the van right after that," you laughed loudly, tossing your head back. Running a finger over your face in the picture still reminiscing on the sweet memory, you could feel Josh watching you from across the room.

"Can you come up here for a sec?" Josh patted his mattress, motioning to you. You could tell he was nervous still when he started to fumble around with his nails, not making much eye contact. "Do you remember when I asked you why you envied me so much?" He let out a slow breath, nudging you a little bit with his elbow. You realized the change in the situation and started to mirror his nervous tics.

"Yeah, I just- wish I could carry myself like you. You're always the most confident person in the room; you know things Josh that no one could ever know." The two of you sat in silence for a little bit after you answered. Josh hesitated before speaking again but continued on after pondering for a bit. "Well, I never felt that way around you. For the longest time, I would beat myself up just thinking about how wonderful you are Y/N. The way you think of me is how I always thought of you. Just not as confident because of how quiet you are sometimes." He laughed out the last part making you smile back.

"God, sometimes I just want to cry because of how amazing you are Y/N. Everything you've done for this band, everything you've done for me; I just - I love you." You slowly turned your head to look at Josh, replaying the words over and over again in your head.

He loves you.

"I'm going to assume you mean in it in that way Josh or this would be very embarrassing." Josh snickered, putting both hands on the side of your face. "I mean it in every way possible." He finally pressed his lips to yours, feeling the velvet touch of each other. Josh ran his fingers through your hair, pressing his tongue in an open-mouthed kiss. You moaned quietly when he started to press kisses along your jaw, down to your neck. You could feel his hands start to travel down to your waist, hugging you tightly as it showed in the picture.

Josh continued to bite down on your skin and sucked, leaving bright red marks behind. His fingers squeezed down on your hips before traveling under your shirt. He placed a knee between your legs, pushing you further into the mattress. You looked at each other momentarily as Josh slipped you out of your shirt. He ran his hands over your stomach making you flinch at the sudden touch.

"Josh," His name came out as a whine as Josh slipped off your bra, throwing it towards the floor. You caught the look of awe when his eyes landed on your breasts, your chest heaving slightly. He returned to kissing down your neck making his way down your collar bone. Your hands made their way to his hair, tugging at it when his mouth made contact with your nipple.

He sucked gently, swirling his tongue around the hardened bud. All you could think about was the euphoric thoughts running through your brain. All you could see were stars, showing up in random directions making you lost in the feeling. Josh continued for a while before slowly traveling down to your legs.

Josh looked at you for approval, to which you vaguely nodded in return, before pulling off your pants. You shuddered at the delicate touch of his fingers ghosting along your skin. His hands traveled back up your calves, pressing at your thighs. The room suddenly became too hot as his fingers wrapped around the strap of your underwear, pulling them down your legs. Your breathing was so ragged by now that you thought Josh might've pointed it out already, but he continued to stare down at you with the most mesmerizing look in his eyes. You knew at this point if this had been anyone else, you probably would've wanted to hide under the bed. Something so comforting about Josh made it feel natural to in his grasps.

Josh started down at your ankles, pressing hard kisses up your legs. He hovered over your pelvis just before kissing around your clit. Your legs immediately started to close at the feeling, but his hand pushed them back farther. "Josh, oh my god!" You moaned out into nothing. He continued sucking hard on your clit making the stars in your head come closer to earth.

"Josh, please," Your hands pulled at his curls as he lapped around your center. "You're so fucking wet for me Y/N. Jesus," He moaned into your heat making you squirm on the bed.

"Please Josh, use your fingers, please." You whined mercilessly at the thought of coming around his fingers. It wasn't long before you felt two fingers drag inside of you, along with the feeling of him sucking your clit. You could feel yourself getting nearer to your orgasm as he curled his fingers against your g-spot. "Josh, don't fucking stop!"

At the perfect moment, everything seemed to fall apart in the most beautiful way. You leaned your head back into the pillow as your vision turned white with little black dots appearing randomly. Josh's breath fanned over your heat before he stood up to take off some of his clothes.

"Can't really have sex if I'm still dressed like I'm going to fucking prom or something, Jesus." You giggled loudly while you watched him crawl back over you. Josh pressed a soft kiss to your lips, grinding his hips against you. Your hand slowly ran over his chest, grabbing onto his belt. You fumbled around until you managed to get it undone along with his pants. Josh stared at your face, admiring your features. "I don't think I'll be able to take you seriously for much longer if you don't do something," you whispered.

"Oh yeah?" Josh raised an eyebrow, smiling at you. You slowly reached past his briefs making contact with his hard-on, causing him to moan quietly and start kissing you again.

"Uh, I don't think I have any condoms on me; I didn't really envision fucking you tonight." You smirked, wrapping your arms around his neck. "It's okay. I'm on the pill." You pulled his underwear down, hiking your legs around his hips loosely. You could feel yourself getting wetter as he passively rolled his forefinger over your clit. You kissed him hard, sucking on his tongue. "Fuck me, please," you begged. Josh looked deeply into your eyes, then grabbing your legs and wrapping them around his hips, tightly. He teased you, rubbing himself up and down your center.

You exhaled as he entered you, wrapping a hand around his bicep to steady yourself. Josh's head fell into your neck, feeling his warm breath as he trusted in slowly. He lifted his head to kiss you; He used his hand to move the hairs out of your face, wrapping it around your cranium. "You are so- prepossessing." He whispered, his thrust becoming faster.

Your nails dug into his shoulder blades after he set such a brutal pace that you didn't think you'd be able to keep up with. You took note of how his curls stuck to his forehead. Whenever he thrust in, you could feel yourself getting closer and closer. His thrust started to shake the bed only spurring you on more. Your hands grabbed at his torso, holding onto him tightly.

"Josh," you breathed out, words lost as they left your mouth. "Don't stop." Josh looked between your bodies as they pressed together. He thrust in deep, pressing you into the bed further. You cursed under your breath, trying to hold back the moans only releasing small high-pitched whines. Your head fell back against the pillow, all the tension releasing your body slowly. "Fuck," Josh moaned into your collarbone. He tightened his grip on your thigh, quickening his thrusts.

You ran your fingers along the nape of his neck, feeling the little hairs stick to his body. Josh moaned, feeling him cum deep inside you. His head fell into your neck as you both tried to catch your breath. Josh smiled, pressing kisses to your chest before laying down next to you.

"Fuck you're amazing," Josh mumbled into your ear. He wrapped an arm around your shoulder pulling your head to his chest. His hands ran down your arm, squeezing the tiny bit of flesh. "Tell me something I don't already know Joshua." You flipped over onto your side, Josh following in pursuit. He tightened his arm once more around your stomach this time. He pressed small kisses along your shoulder, laying his face into your hair.

"I love you," He mumbled.

"I love you too." You placed your hand over his, peace finding you easy tonight.

-

When you woke up the next morning, Josh still had you in his arms, snoring softly. Like you, he liked to get up when it was still dark out, but given last night you couldn't blame either of yourselves for wanting to sleep in. Josh woke up sometime after, pressing small kisses into the nape of your neck down to your shoulder blades.

"Good morning," he said quietly, wrapping his legs around yours, pulling his body closer to yours.

"Morning Josh." You closed your eyes allowing the quiet of the room to comfort you. It seemed pretty peaceful outside, from what you could hear at least. But your mind was running a thousand miles a minute. How did a three-year friendship change so drastically? If someone told you that three years later you'd be sleeping with Josh, you probably start cursing them out at the bare minimum. Josh infuriated you at the beginning, but what changed that you couldn't get enough? Maybe it was his style? Everyone loves Josh's style. He doesn't really care what goes together, as long as it fits him and his outrageous personality. Speaking of which, Josh's personality was unspoken of. People turned heads when he walked through doors because he was always the life of the party. Normal people just naturally gravitate towards him. Heck, you couldn't even keep up the 'holding a grudge' façade for too long because Josh helped you. Maybe you thanked him for that instead.

"I think we need to get up," you said, patting his hand. He protested that you two keep sleeping longer because it's too early. "Josh it's like," you squinted your eyes towards the clock. "Nine am." You yelled, pushing his arm of you.

You ran into the bathroom to pee before jumping in the shower. After taking some time cleaning yourself and changing into something more comfortable (which ended up being one of Josh's old college sweatshirts because he insisted you looked really good in them) you both left to the studio. Of course, the first one to greet you was your favorite out of the four, Daniel. After he finished talking with Josh, he led the both of you to a back room. It was a large decorated room that you hadn't really been in much. The walls were in stripes of inverted red along with carpet having a velvet touch to it. Plaques labeled the wall with other types of scandalous music art.

Jake and Sam walked in together already arguing about something. "Lookey here," Jake pulled you into a side hug, and Sam passed you a drink. "I thought my smoking habits were bad, but drinking at ten in the morning?" you tutted Sam away from you, taking a seat at a large table. "It helps me think more clearly."

Josh took a seat next to you, placing a hand on your thigh. "Hey, you never showed me the finish drawing for your clothing ideas." You raised your eyebrows and said: "I wonder why." You cocked your head to the side, and Josh frowned at you. Snickering to yourself, you handed him a sketchbook. "These are- really good, Y/N. I forgot you could draw so well." You doodled around the paper of a sketched-out Josh in what would be fashion attire for next year. "One of my many hobbies."

He patted your leg before turning his attention to his twin. Sam waltzed over to your side, a cigarette hanging from his lips. "Is that my brother's sweatshirt?" You glared at him before answering a subtle yes. Sam gasped in a fake manner, holding a hand across his heart.

"Are you two in love with each other finally?" Sam laughed at you giving him a side-eye. "Good. you make Josh happy." Content with that, he left to go sit next to Danny. You played around with the drawing some more, later on, moving to a computer to work there. Everyone left you alone to go play in another room which seems to help numb the background noise. Though, it didn't last long until Josh walked through the door. He strutted over to you, rubbing a hand on your back before sitting down.

"How's it goin' in there?" You closed the laptop, turning your attention towards him. Josh talked about how everything's coming along nicely, and Jake is stubborn about everything or how Sam is always messing up. You hummed, following along. Not that you would ever tell Josh, but sometimes you never would really listen to what he was saying, but you loved to watch his hand movements or the expressions on his face. It added to his character. "I meant to ask you some time ago, but uh- whatever happened to Logan?" Josh immediately froze, looking down to the floor like a scolded puppy.

"I told her I would talk to her later this week." You shook your head, crossing your arms. "What?"

"Nothing; I was just thinking we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for me oodling with your brother." Josh laughed at your choice of words, placing his hand softly on yours. "I think it was both us Y/N."

'Well, in my defense Sam is kind of hot now that I think about it." Josh slapped your shoulder. "Mmmm, you're right Sam does have that 'sense' to him." Time seemed to fly by the five of you, constantly arguing, laughing, or just goofing off with each other. It felt good to be back with everybody, and not walking around on eggshells. Sometimes the moment was so pleasant, you never wanted it to end.

-

It was eerily quiet when you walked inside Josh's home. It was nighttime, and the moon was full, shining brightly through the curtains. "Don't you ever wish you could see the stars?" Josh asked randomly.

"Light pollution man," He mumbled out, yeah, heading towards his bedroom. You peeked outside the window one more time, catching a glimpse of the clouds in the sky. Josh had changed into some comfier clothing and slid under the covers. You followed in pursuit, still wearing his old college t-shirt. "Where do you think we'll be in ten years?" The question had taken you by surprise. You knew he had a tendency to think a lot about the future, which was kind of admirable, but you had a hard time figuring out what the future would hold for you.

"That's hard to tell; Not unless I kill you first, but uh, I think we'll still be together, and so will the band. I guess it's just up to the rest of us." Josh hummed at your input. He flipped over on his side to look at you. "I hope we're together forever." Your face started to blush, although you doubt Josh could see, this time you wished he did.

"Me too." Your voice came out with full confidence knowing every ounce of you could never let him go. "Hey, do you think you'd ever let me wear your outfits after this next tour? They're kind of stylish if I say so myself." Josh laughed out loud. "I don't think they'd fit you, honey." You scoffed, pouting.

"Josh, I hate to break it to you but you're not that big." A playful laugh escaped your mouth while you pinched his arm. He pushed you back in return. "I meant your height." He shook his head. You turned around, allowing Josh to trap you in his arms.

"I hope I get to see you in heaven. If there is one." The sound of his voice made you want to cry. It was soft whisper that it felt so delicate at this moment.

"I think if you've seen me then, you will see me forever."

#greta van fleet #josh kiszka #sam kiskza #jake kiszka #danny wagner #jake gvf #josh kiszka x reader

[fiveisnumber1]

I'm getting attached to way too many 5SOS songs for these two but you recommended it and I got hooked so here's another impromptu music analysis cuz can't stop, won't stop:

Here I am waking up Still can't sleep on your side There's your coffee cup The lipstick stain fades with time If I can dream long enough You'd tell me I'd be just fine I'll be just fine

I have SO MANY THOUGHTS. I analysed these verses as both Reader and Five. Sort of like a split screen/back and forth thing.

Reader obviously can't sleep in Five's room or stay there too long in the beginning before the grief of his disappearance threatens to make her cave in on herself. She finds his hidden stash of coffee beans and coffee cup cuz of course she got him that cup, she knew how much he loved coffee but that Reginald didn't allow it, so she knows where he keeps it and it makes her cry thinking about it cuz she misses him so much. She holds it and it's like she can feel the ghost of his fingertips still. And when she falls asleep finally after running on her own caffeine highs to avoid sleeping (before Diego and Grace catch her out), when she crashes she manages to sleep long enough to dream of Five who whispers to her that everything will be OK even though when she wakes up he's still not there and there's an emptiness in her soul and next to her.

Similarly, with Five: He also can't leave Reader's makeshift grave for the first few weeks. He can't bring himself to leave but he can't bring himself to stay long either cuz he's in despair over her loss. Her diary and locket is the "coffee cup" for him and like her, if he manages to sleep, she always haunts his dreams and tells him he'll be okay and that they'll see each other again which is hope he can't bear to give himself but simultaneously needs to keep going.

So I drown it out like I always do Dancing through our house With the ghost of you And I chase it down With a shot of truth Dancing through our house With the ghost of you

They both drown out their reality and misery. They try to forget. Reader dances around the manor pretending to be happy but she's still haunted by the memories of Five because it's literally his home and he snuck her around all these halls so they're tainted with him mumbled the stories for her in their one-sided conversations when she was invisible and trying to avoid getting caught.

For Five, Reader's ghost is literally with him at all times through his hallucinations so he tries to use that to forget that Reader isn't actually with him. His reality of the apocalypse is the bitter truth despite him making Reader up in his mind to keep him company to drown out the loneliness.

They both pretend to be happy with each others ghosts but those ghosts simultaneously remind each other about their bitter truth that they're actually far apart. They're simultaneously trying to drown out and chase the truth of each other with the remnants they have of each other.

Cleaning up today Found that old Zepplin shirt You wore when you ran away And no one could feel your hurt We're too young, too dumb To know things like love But I know better now (Better now)

So I imagine Reader finding Five's notebooks where he was calculating for time-travel and just sitting down with her head in her hands and shaking because Five just had to go and prove himself to Reginald who just had to be an asshole and refuse to be understanding. If only he had treated the Hargreeves all better maybe Five wouldn't have been so hurt and angry and the desire to prove his superiority to Reginald for some measure of control wouldn't have existed and forced him to be rash while lashing out.

Five probably finds something in the rubble belonging to Reader or maybe just her diary entry detailing how hurt she was when he left her behind but also talking about understanding his pain and it makes him ache because she understood him and his hurt and his ambition unlike everyone else and he took it for granted.

And they're obviously so young and just children but they're in love. They're too dumb to understand what it means or how to deal with it cuz it's so much emotion in such a small time but they know how it feels now that they've lost one another. They regret not saying anything and they know themselves better now and wish they had realized the depth of their feelings earlier.

Too young, too dumb. To know things like love. Too young, too dumb

The repeated lines just make my heart ache even more. It's just emphasis on their longing for each other and sort of speaks to that heightened desire over the years to see each other again the more they are apart and their hearts grow fonder. Theoretically, they were kids who shouldn't have had such a deep attachment to each other but they did. Five made a dumb mistake that landed them in a mess but it wasn't entirely his fault either and it led to their separation.

So I drown it out like I always do Dancing through our house With the ghost of you And I chase it down With a shot of truth That my feet don't dance Like they did with you

This last line hurts like a bitch. They'll continue to move on and pretend everything is fine cuz they need to keep going but they're missing their most important piece which means they can't dance exactly the way they did when they were together. They falter without each other cuz there's an empty space next to them both occupied by each other's ghost just waiting to be filled by the real person they miss. They'll drown out the truth of their emptiness as much as they can but they can never drown out the fact that the person who made them want to dance was each other.

Anywho here's my analysis. I can't wait to see what you add and I hope you liked it! :D

As always I love your analysis! I wrote a lot so I’ve put read more link below:

Here I am waking up Still can't sleep on your side There's your coffee cup The lipstick stain fades with time If I can dream long enough You'd tell me I'd be just fine I'll be just fine

When I hear these lines it gives me the feeling of time standing still, nothing is changing and it’s only little things that even dictate the passage of time. I think this is really fitting for both the reader and Five. The academy is frozen in time for the reader. The rooms of the building are the exact same and untouched from when she left to when she arrived in the future. Nothing has changed, especially so with Five’s room. It’s little things like the amount of dust collected that even show that time has passed. As for Five every day is the same in the apocalypse. It’s only the rising and setting of the sun and the changes in weather that really dictate time. 

In terms of the coffee cup, I imagine after a while the reader starting to use it as it makes her feel closer to Five. She’d keep it in her room and take perfect care of it using it for whatever drink she had. The color of her lipstick staining the glass. Somehow when exploring the academy ruins, Five finds the cup perfectly intact with the lipstick stain of the reader’s on it. Five takes care of the mug but as the days, months, and years go on, the lipstick stain fades away and it breaks his heart because it’s just another part of her that he realizes is gone.

The repeated line of “I’ll be just fine” can also refer to what the reader tells other people who are trying to care for her like Grace and Diego during such a difficult time. She continues to push the issue away when they try to help by offering up the excuse of I’ll be just fine even though she won’t be fine and she is not fine.

So I drown it out like I always do Dancing through our house With the ghost of you And I chase it down With a shot of truth Dancing through our house With the ghost of you

With this, it’s both Five and the reader trying to ignore the reality of the situation they’re in.  The reader tries to involve themselves in a brand new life. They make a group of friends, they spend time with Diego, they do piano, they do boxing, they work on their powers. The reader is drowning out the pain with other things but when it comes down to it she can’t escape the ghost of the memories living in the academy house. 

As for Five, he turns to drinking to drown out the problem. When the pain of knowing that the reader isn’t there is too much he will chase down the problem with a shot of truth. Truth, in this case, being alcohol.

Cleaning up today Found that old Zepplin shirt You wore when you ran away And no one could feel your hurt We're too young, too dumb To know things like love But I know better now (Better now)

Even more so than finding his notebooks, I can see the reader helping Grace clean up some of the old rooms (excluding Five’s) and underneath Klaus’ bed she finds and old academy uniform, and although it’s not one that directly belongs to Five it’s still the exact outfit he wore on the day he ran away because he was angry and hurt by Reginald’s dismissal of him.

So I drown it out like I always do Dancing through our house With the ghost of you And I chase it down With a shot of truth That my feet don't dance Like they did with you

When I think of these last lines I imagine that on really lonely nights Five and the reader both get up and dance alone. They have their arms placed as if they were dancing with someone else as if they were dancing with each other, but there’s no one there but the empty air. Dancing alone, even in the loneliest of moments, is never the same as dancing with the other person. 

Also like imagine this as a scene in the show with this song in the background: On a starry night in the apocalypse, Five is having a drink next to the reader’s makeshift grave at the ruins of the academy. Wanting some form of familiarity he gets up and starts to dance with the imaginary version of the reader that he has, even though he knows she isn’t real. At the same time, the Reader is in her room on a similar starry night and decides to pretend to dance with Five even though she knows he is not there. As they spin around dancing, the scene goes back and forth between Five in the apocalypse and the reader in her room making it look like they’re dancing together even though they are in two different places alone. As the song nears the final lines Five spins the reader out and there is a split-screen where Five is in the apocalypse with one arm extended and the reader is in her room with one arm out. It looks like they’re holding each other's hand but then the shots pan out and there’s nothing there. And the two of them sadly once again realize that they’re dancing through the shared house with a ghost of the other.

Just wanna add, I listened to the live version of the song, and god does it hurt to imagine Addison taking the reader to a concert and her hearing that song for the first time live. Like while everyone else is waving their cellphone flashlights side to side and having fun singing alone she just gets a distant look in her eyes as she remembers Five. Thinking of that is just like ugh, a stab in the heart really. I’d recommend it if you wanna be sad: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwsXebE_f64 (watch 0:00-3:53)

[sunshinehighway]

Any advice for someone who just can't stand herself? I'm struggling a lot at the moment.

hey anon! i just want to start by saying i’m really, really sorry you’re feeling this way. it’s not at all what you deserve and i really wish i could take this feeling away from you and replace it with all the love and appreciation that i know other people have for you. but i know these feeling, unfortunately, don’t just go away overnight, so here are a few things i can think of that maybe you could do to distract yourself, or work towards loving yourself more:

times are really bloody tough right now, for everyone, but for those who struggle with thoughts of self-hate etc, i can be so hard not to get lost in your own head when stuck inside 24/7. so take a walk, we can still do that - for now, as long as we keep practising social-distancing, getting some fresh air is okay and vital to our mental health. find your headphones, put some happy, uplifting music on (i can link you a playlist on my spotify for that) and just walk aimlessly - clear your head.

stop comparing yourself to other people!!!! easier said than done, i know, but this one is so important! when we’re feeling insecure, we actively look for flaws in ourselves, and look for things that back up that negative view of ourselves. when then look for those things we think we are missing in other people, and so easily find them. those good things are there in you too - they are there in everyone - we’re just kind to our own good things. comparing yourself to others is SUCH a hard habit to break, but maybe just start with using less social media - particularly instagram and facebook. a social media detox can do the world of good.

look at/think about your achievements! right now you may not think you have many, but you do. everyone does. an achievement can be anything from something as small as getting out of bed in the morning, to something as significant as winning a trophy. now write them down, grab a cute little notebook and write your achievements down. wrote about that time you made your friend smile, that time you won your first medal, that time you got through the day even when it felt like the world was against you. write them all down and look at them when you’re feeling worthless.

start a positive-thoughts-only journal!!! we can empower ourselves and others in learning to love ourselves as we are, for our unique features and traits. next time you catch yourself putting yourself down, observe the thoughts, know that just because they are in your head, it does not make them true at all, and switch the negative for a few positives! try listing 3-5 things, however small they may be, that you do like about yourself - or that others have told you they like about you!!! it will all add up. 

it is essential that when learning to love ourselves that we focus lots of time and attention on our bodies as well as our minds. how we feel in our bodies can often directly affect how we feel about ourselves. often feelings of insecurities and self-hate can stem from our own disconnect and contentment with our bodies. it’s important to keep that (gorgeous!!!) body of yours feeling energised and full of vitality. so i fully suggest creating a self-love routine to includes things you know will make you feel great in your body; whether that’s yoga, running, home workouts, running, meditation or whatever! for me personally, sticking on some good, upbeat, festival-type music works the trick - you’ll catching me dancing around my living room to the killers or rhcp at least 3 times a week - it works a treat for both my body and soul!

following on from that - take moments that are just for yourself – and don’t feel guilty about it. sometimes we struggle with being content to do something that is just for ourselves - it may make us feel selfish or whatever when in fact, it’s fine. it’s normal. it’s necessary. it’s especially important when so many of us are feeling low, to not push ourselves to do things we don’t want to do, and do only what you feel comfortable with.

now is the perfect time to discover a new hobby/talent (well, am indoor one of course). always wanted to write fic but have convinced yourself you’re no writer? write that damn fic. write it and keep it to yourself or publish it and let the world experience the beauty of words. find painting therapeutic but have never taken an art lesson? so what? you paint that picture, paint your thoughts or your dreams and get lost in the bright colours and even brighter future. find your thing, let it take you away for a few hours, worry about nothing else than putting colour into the world or pen to paper or your voice to music. it can be your thing and your thing only. be proud of what you produce!!!!

i just found this gentle reminder online that i thought you my like: “even when you’re not kind to yourself, the stars give you the most beautiful view in the night sky and the moon shines through the blinds in your room to make sure you’re okay. the sun rises to remind you that even after your darkest hours you can still get up and do it all over again, one more day, one step at a time. and the earth knows, she knows how to whisper in your ear as you walk to your bus stop, she knows you smile every year when you see the first daisy of the spring. you won’t always be at your best, and that’s okay. take a deep breath: you are loved. the pain won’t last forever, your resilience will.”

and i’ll end on this little quote: “stop hating yourself for everything you aren’t. start loving yourself for everything you are.”

(sorry this advice isn’t direct into loving yourself more, and it’s more of distraction and learning techniques, but only you can change the way you view yourself. and these are some great steps to clearing your mind and beginning the process. i really, really hope you start to feel better soon, because you are brilliant and strong and so loved. my messages are always open. stay safe xx)

#<333 #treat yourself with kidness #positive thoughts #self-care #asks #anon

[altairsarts]

Day seven: Free Day: Chosen Prompt: Letters

Mystery is smart. Nobody would expect anything less from him. He was the one who came up with the idea. (He might have also taken a little inspiration from a book and a movie.)

When Vivi came to him about her crush on Lewis, he told her to write letters to him, expressing how she felt, even if she never sent them. She did. And when she realized she had a crush on Arthur? The same thing.

She wrote letters.

Well, Mystery was apparently a really good confidant. Lewis and Arthur did the same, coming to Mystery and each time, he told them to write letters to each other and to her. And he kept their secrets, never telling any of them about the others, feeling it wasn't his place.

After they all got together, he may have mentioned that he told them all to write letters to each other.

Vivi wanted to read Arthur and Lewis’ letters to her. She was more than willing to let them read hers, the majority of the letters telling them about things she was interested in like shows and why she loved them.

Arthur was more hesitant. In some of his letters, he had put things he was too nervous to say to them out loud. He had also written down small things they’d said to him that he wanted to remember.

Lewis wrote down little things that he noticed that they did sometimes. He wrote his internal fanboyish responses to conversations and how they could've gone differently.

In the end though, all of their curiosity got the better of them and they exchanged the letters.

Despite Vivi writing the letters the longest, it was Arthur who had the most. Some of them singularly addressed to one of the other two, some of them addressed to both.

It was a rainy Sunday night in December when they all finally had the chance to sit down and read the letters together. Arthur kept his folded up in locked box, Vivi's were kept in an old jewelry box she kept in her closet, and Lewis’ were kept in a shoe box that he kept under his bed.

They all curled up on the couch under a blanket and started reading.

Dear Lewis,

Oh wow, it's strange to be able to write all this down somewhere. I guess if this helps I’ll have to thank Mystery. So, I guess I say all the things I want to say to you in these letters? I write ‘these’ as if I’m going to write more than one. Um, so, first I guess I want to say that I think I love you? It's hard to tell with the fact I’ve never loved anyone before and the fact that up until I realized I never thought I would like guys? Like, it's not a new concept to me by any means, I just never thought I would? I don't think I ever considered my romantic orientation actually. Huh.

So because you'll probably never read this I can spout whatever nonsense I want about whatever. So uh.. Yeah I guess the moment I realized I like you was probably yesterday when I caught you singing along to Helpless yesterday and you didn't realize I was watching until the song was almost over. You kind of just looked ethereal and I thought ‘I wanna kiss him’ and that was kinda what started this? I dunno.

I was kinda in shock and was really flustered actually and the way you got all embarrassed about it helped me realize that it wasn't just a passing thought and I actually really really wanna kiss you and love you and wow this is rambly. Like that was so cute oh my gosh. Anyway, I’ll have to remember that Hamilton is your favorite musical, maybe surprise you with one of the songs on your birthday. Also I’ll have to listen to it. The only reason I know the name of that song was because I googled the lyrics. Anyway, that's really all I can think of at the moment. I think I will continue writing these letters, they do help.

-Arthur

Lewis smiled at the letter and leaned his head on Arthur's shoulder, smiling and retrieved the next letter addressed to him. Vivi laughed at something the letter she was reading.

Dear Vivi and Arthur,

So I’ve known I love you both for a while now and I just talked to Mystery about it and he suggested this and it's a great idea, I don't know how I haven't thought of it before, what with me watching all those romance movies and shows but I’m writing now. Anyway, where should I start?

The beginning might be a good place. So I first realized I liked Vivi when you dragged us to that festival you wanted to go to. I knew it was probably a really bad idea since it was colder than usual and it was nearing cold and flu season and you said that you had been feeling more tired and less hungry than usual, which is normally a sign of being sick but you were so determined anyway. And then when you brought me that little flower crown I kinda just figured that you were who I wanted to spend my life with? I don't know if that's a good way to explain it but that's kinda what happened.

I realized I liked Arthur when we all drove down to that clearing in the woods together. You fell out if the van but ended up slipping into one of those ‘draw me like one of your French girls’ poses on accident and it was just so funny and you tried to play it off like you meant to do that and the level of sarcasm was the best and I knew I wanted you around for the rest of our lives, just like I did with Vivi.

So recently I noticed that we make up the pan flag with me being pink, Arthur yellow, and Vivi blue. It probably doesn't relate but this is my letter and you might not even ever read it so I’ll talk about the pan flag if I want to.

I’d love to talk on and on about the little things I notice about both of you but that’ll be in another letter since it's nearly eleven and I'm tired. Goodnight :)

~Lewis

Vivi grinned at the letter and then neatly put it back in the envelope she found it in, addressed to both her and Arthur and labeled ‘Number 1’, sliding it into Arthur's pile of unread letters while he read one of hers.

Dear Arthur,

Heyyyy so letters proclaiming everlasting love are more Lew’s thing so I have absolutely no idea how to do this. But yeah I just realized I love you (And Lewis too but this is your letter) a few hours ago when you did that whole party for my birthday and it was really fun. Actually now that I think about it the signs were all there I just never picked up on them. Huh, looks like none of us actually know what we're doing do we?

No we don't. But I can assure you it's totally, one hundred percent working! I mean, none of us are dead yet and that has to count for something. Anyway, I'm determined to tell you guys on a special occasion like Valentines Day or Christmas or some holiday or something because dramatics are fun. I freaking swear if either of you feel the same way and tell me or each other first… I need my moment people.

So there’s this new show I like that I think you’d be really interested in, if you haven't already watched it. It's Voltron: Legendary Defender and it's this kinda sci-fi thing but there's also magic which Lew would be into and overall I think that it would be fun to watch it all together. Make a night out of it whenever a new season is released, sit up with popcorn and snacks watching it.

There's also this band I’ve started liking recently. I can't remember their name for the life of me though. I’ll have to look it up later.

Oh maybe I’ll tell you through songs. Oh now I have ideas. I’m gonna go write them all before I forget.

-Vivi

Occasionally, one of them would go ‘awww’ or lean closer to the person whose letter they were reading, or laugh at something that was written.

You just caught me singing to Helpless. And I was singing about you two. Oh gosh, I hope you didn't notice. Or maybe I hope you did? I mean notice about me singing about you? Ah I don't make sense right now.

I NEARLY TOLD YOU I LIKED YOU. OVER A GAY JOKE. THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN.

Update: the band’s name was Panic! At The Disco. Was the exclamation point necessary? Probably not but it adds to the aesthetic.

I only just noticed how your hair smells like the ocean. Vivi is everything you do blue?

Arthur, I love you but you have no idea how to make cinnamon rolls. I think you used up all of my sugar yesterday in your attempts. I swear that is the very first thing I'm teaching you to do if you ever let me teach you how to bake.

Holy heck Lewis how do you get your hair so fluffy and soft? Like I was really tempted to play with it and braid it during the movie but I didn't know whether or not you’d be okay with that?

I didn't think you remembered that road to the little cove I brought you to. But apparently you did and put up little fairy lights all over. I’m not sure how you managed to power those but I’m impressed.

I’m starting to think that you might know about my crush and have taken it upon yourself to let me know you know in the absolute slowest and most romantic way possible. Like last night when you asked me to dance with you.

So last night at the campfire when you two caught me staring? Yes I was very much so staring because you're both pretty.

Soon all three of them had read each and every letter that had been addressed to them.

“That was nice,” Vivi grinned.

“It was. I’m glad I kept those letters,” Arthur agreed.

Lewis hummed. “I would've still found a way to convey all of that out loud given time.”

“Yeah but this way we get to see your immediate reaction. It's nice,” Arthur said.

“Also I would like to say something for the record,” Vivi started.

The other two hummed and allowed her to continue. “Yes, everything I do has to be blue.”

Arthur laughed at her response to the passing comment.

“So you listened to the entire Hamilton soundtrack because you knew I liked it?” Lewis asked.

“Yeah, pretty much. You’re always doing nice things for me, so,” Arthur trailed off.

They discussed their letters a while longer until Vivi eventually fell asleep during a lull in the conversation.

Despite still being on the couch, they all happily fell asleep right there. In the morning, they woke up to the soft music that had been playing turned off and an extra blanket thrown over them.

Mystery is a very good not-dog.

~~~~~

So! Last post of the week wow. I'm kinda sad, writing all these and drawing them was fun. Speaking of drawing, I did some sketches for this story! So to address a few things in this story. Yes, Mystery got the idea from "To All The Boys I've Loved Before". I got the idea from myself, when I was crushing hard on my now-girlfriend, I wrote a few letters to her. Some of the things written in here were inspired by the things I would've wanted to say to her. Also, I had Vivi say 'a new show' in reference to Voltron even though it literally ended today is because these letters are supposed to be old, the majority of my stories take place after the cave so the first letters were written before the incident and they're reading them after.

I also had different fonts for their handwriting. (This was originally written on google docs) Vivi's was indie flower, Arthur's was caveat, and Lewis' was corsiva. I wanted Vivi's writing to be a bit messier because her hands are trying to keep up with her brain which is going 100 mph, but google docs didn't have anything that fit that really, so I settled.

#msa #mystery skulls animated #arthur #lewis #vivi #art #lewvithur week #lewvithur #fanfic

[raidenenthusiast]

dear jonghyun,

i love you.

beyond that, i don't know where to begin. i don't know what to say. i haven't even been a shawol for the entire year, and yet i can't believe it. it seems like such a long time. but i guess i'll start at the beginning.

maybe about five months ago, my ex started getting me to listen to kpop. i got into exo first, and for a little while they were the only group that i paid attention to.

eventually, i started hearing more and more about shinee. i knew my partner loved you guys too, so i started trying to get into you guys as well as exo. and at first, i couldn't. i knew about what had happened, i remembered it happening a year ago and being on the outside of it. so when i started into it aware, it hurt.

i would see a video of the five of you, and then a few videos down, it'd be down to four. i'd think about how the four of them had to now perform and sing without you. i'd think about how you'd never get to perform some of your songs live. so many things would make me sad, and i was scared. scared that if this tragedy already made me so sad, before i had barely even learned your name, it would be too much if i ever truly got attached to and fell in love with the group.

so i kind of stopped myself for a while. i was barely a shawol, but listening to all of you made my heart ache. i couldn't do it. i couldn't listen to shinee. i tried to start somewhere, i tried to listen to taemin on his own first. but that didn't work either.

and there was a part of me that knew you were going to be my bias. i can actually tell you the exact moment that made up my mind.

when i was making my kpop playlist, it was on spotify. spotify only has a live version of ring ding dong, so when i was adding it, i had to add that one. when i heard you sing the verse right before the second chorus, something clicked and i fell in love with your voice.

and that was a big reason that i was scared. because i knew that i was going to fall in love with you. and i was scared of how painful it would be. so i stopped myself from leaping headfirst into shinee because of that.

but there came a point where you knocked those walls down entirely. i found and watched the video of your performance of y si fuera ella. your voice, your face, the fake blood on your white suit, the gunshot, every second of it made my heart ache. i sat on my bed for a half hour afterwards and just cried. i'd been afraid to cry before. but thanks to you, i wasn't anymore, and i was finally able to listen to shinee regularly.

and i fell in love. words cannot describe how much you five mean to me. i stared at this screen for so long trying to think of something that could possibly express how much i love all of you. i'm still stuck. you five have given me so much. beautiful music, such openness and kindness, a wonderful friend ( @sunflowerjjong ), happiness, so many good things. and i can't think of anything that i could say that would ever repay you for that.

but, what i can say is thank you. thank you for what you've done for me. you've been a shining light in the darkness these past few months. and as long as i know that you're there, watching over me, i'm okay.

there have been so many hard times. and sometimes, i feel guilty. guilty that i rely on you so much when so many other shawols, as well as your family, friends, and the rest of shinee have it so much harder than i do. but i saw something you said one night. you said that you don't need to know a person face to face to have a relationship with them. and that made it so much easier. because i knew that if you said that, and if you knew how much i care about you, then you might care about me too.

but at the same time, i feel guilty for other reasons. so many shawols can't listen to you or shinee because it hurts too much. and my heart goes out to all of them. but sometimes, i feel guilty for the opposite reason. i can listen to you. i can listen to shinee. and maybe i thought that i wasn't grieving enough. but i know that everyone feels in different ways. you bring me comfort, and there's no reason to be ashamed of that. just like there's no reason to be ashamed of feeling like it's just too unbearable.

your words touch me in ways i never thought possible. sitting on my couch late at night, crying, reading the note that you left us, as broken as my heart felt, it felt whole, too. so much of what you wrote, i felt too. i understood. i still do feel a lot of those things. and knowing that you did too makes me feel so much less alone.

i wish i could have met you. i wish i could have hugged you. i wish i could have looked you in the eyes and told you how much i love you. and the fact that i can't makes me unbelievably sad. but i'll still make it known. i'll still say goodnight to the moon. i'll still tell the sky that i love you, in hopes that you can hear me.

you may be gone, but it feels like you're here with me. when that meteor flew across the sky on my birthday just seconds after i'd started crying, saying i missed you, i knew it was you. i felt it. as if you were telling me not to miss you, because you were right there with me, and you always have been, and you always will be.

and i promise, i will never remember you as simply just a sad story. you are so much more than your tragedy. you are so much more than your pain and sadness. you are a beautiful, glowing light in this dark world, one who has lit up so many lives and reached millions of hearts.

i want to make you happy, and i want to make you proud. i want you to know how much you inspire me. i want you to look down at me and smile, because you know how much you've impacted my life. but most of all, i want you to know how much i love you.

these past few months were dark. there were times when giving up crossed my mind. and that terrified me. because i never wanted to give up. i just thought that i had to. and you helped me realize that i didn't.

and you helped me in so many other ways, too. you still do. and you always will.

i listen to your voice after a long day. you sing with such care and beauty, and sometimes, if i close my eyes, it feels like you're singing right to me. like you're taking my hand, guiding me towards your light. like you're holding me in your arms, reassuring me that everything will be alright. sometimes, it feels like you're crying along with me. but it always feels like you're listening. and it always feels like you're there. and sometimes, just letting out a sigh with you at the very beginning of end of a day is enough to calm me down.

your lyrics help me immensely, too. i relate to so many, like how in elevator, you sing about looking at your reflection and not recognizing yourself. or how in end of a day, you sing about how all you want is for someone to hold you after a tiring day and tell you that you did well. or how in let me out you plead for someone to hold you, help you, because you're so tired and you don't know if you can go on. and looking back on all that now, you were calling for help. and i'm so sorry that you didn't get it when you needed it most.

but apart from that, all of those feelings are within me, too, in one way or another. and hearing your soft voice sing out those things that i feel too is so comforting.

i look up at the moon when i feel alone. it's always there in the sky when i'm at my lowest. even today, i was worrying that i wouldn't be able to see your comet. i went to look outside, and there was the moon, shining through the clouds. you always know when i need you. sometimes i'll talk to you for so long i lose track of time. and i never know for sure if you're listening. but i hope you are. and the possibility is enough for me. and i hope that, like you sing in before our spring, watching over me makes you happy. i hope that you see me and smile because you know how much i love you.

there are things you said, that i find, that are somehow exactly what i need to hear in the moment. maybe i'll see that you said for us to take care of ourselves. maybe i'll see that you said it's okay to feel lost in life. maybe i'll see that you said it's okay to cry. but every single time, whatever i find that you said is exactly what i didn't even know i was looking for. you know. you know when i need you, and you never let me go it alone.

all of these things and more give me the strength to push forward. you give me the strength to fight. because i know that you wouldn't want me to stop. and i know that you don't want me to join you. whenever i feel like i'm drowning, i know i can just reach for your hand.

there's something that i like to tell myself whenever things get hard.

"you did well, so i will too."

and i will, jonghyun. i promise i will.

i drew this moon for you. i wrote your lyric with it. i wanted to do something for you, even though nothing can ever repay you for how much you've done for me.

i love you so much, jonghyun. and i miss you every day. but as long as you're in my heart, and in turn by my side, i will never stop fighting. you make me feel a warmth and a hope that i never want to let go of.

your kindness, your strength, your love for those around you, your softness, your smile, your beautiful soul and your lovely voice will forever hold a special place in my heart. you live on through each and every one of us. and in turn, you help us live on as well.

you've taught me so much. you've taught me to always be kind. you've taught me that it's okay to cry, it's okay to feel. you've taught me to have hope, no matter what. you've taught me to pursue my dreams. but most of all, you've taught me how to be strong, how to fight with every ounce of strength left in me. because if i have you cheering me on, i can do anything.

you make me feel safe. because i have the most wonderful angel in heaven watching over me and looking after me. sometimes i wonder how i ever got so lucky. whenever i miss you badly, i think that you were a gift, but heaven needed their angel back eventually. the time we were given with you on earth was beautiful, and i'll forever be thankful for it. thank you for staying as long as you did. and thank you for never really leaving, not entirely.

i love you. i can't say it enough. i want to say it a million more times. and maybe it seems like i'm talking in circles. but i say it so much because all i want is for you to know. i love you. we love you. and we will never, ever forget you. you will forever be in our hearts, in our minds, in our lives, and in our skies. may you have found the peace and happiness that was lost to you on earth.

you did so well, angel.

always be with you.🌙

with love,

- hannah

#we're going to get through this. together #ill be here if anyone needs to talk #take care of yourselves. its what he would want #you did well jonghyun #so so well #jonghyun #kim jonghyun #shinee #5hinee #angel on the moon #artforjonghyun #its not the 18th yet where i am but. i just wanted to get this out #i still feel like i havent said enough even though this is miles long #i just have so much love for him and not enough words to express it #i love you jonghyun #i love you i love you i love you #so so much #thank you #thank you for doing so well #i promise you i will too #i love you #and i hope you see this and it makes you happy #bc thats all i want #thank you for everything angel #shawols will love you always🌙💙

[cherrystreet]

HELLLOOO MY FAVORITE WRITERRRR ''Tis my bday and honestly would love nothing more than a Drabble from one of your fics but I can't even pick one of them because they're all so gooooood. Maybe TWG or TOW or 210 days or never be or perfect storm omg so many good ones I can't choose but would appreciate anything you'd share!!! 💕💕💕

Hi babe! Happy birthday! I wrote this as quickly as I could so I hope it’s still your birthday where you are! I decided to add to Tug-of-War; is that okay?! xxxx

Harry takes the long way home back from Louis’, the Jeep windows down, muggy air doing nothing to help his already frizzy curls. Every time he thinks about the way Louis leaned into his grip at the concert, his body warm and hands trembling when their fingers linked together, he feels short of breath, has to take another left turn when he should be taking a right. He’s spent ages thinking about what what it would be like to have Louis in his arms, often times tossing and turning in his bed, unable to sleep with how badly he wanted it, just a taste, just to have a little more than he was allowed. But thinking about it and wishing for it didn’t come anywhere close to the real thing, Louis sweaty and swaying to the music, his lips wet, eyes focused whenever he twisted up to look at Harry. And then, with his back pressed up against his front door, Louis stared at him like he wanted to be kissed, kissed by Harry, looking so Goddamn beautiful, and Jesus fucking Christ, Harry deserves a medal for being able to pull himself away from that, for not rushing the thing that occupies his mind more often than he’d ever care to admit. The idea of going home to an empty house when he feels this on edge is laughable, and he doesn’t end up pulling into his driveway until it’s well past three in the morning, nearly two hours after he dropped Louis off.

He takes his time getting ready for bed, showering under a hot stream of water, washing his body three times over, brushing his teeth meticulously, eventually heading into the kitchen to clean the rest of his dishes from the morning before. He rearranges the pantry, scrubs the stove, waters the plants in the living room, sorts through nearly 400 emails, polishes the silver he promised his mother he’d never use, and the entire time, he hasn’t once stopped thinking about Louis.

He catches the time on the microwave clock. 5:04 AM. Only 15 or so hours until he has to be back at Louis’ to pick him up for dinner. He drops the spoon onto the floor, frozen. Only 15 or so hours until he has to be back at Louis’ to pick him up for dinner.

Harry’s torn between screaming and fist pumping. It’s happening. It’s finally fucking happening, and he isn’t ready. How the hell isn’t he ready? He’s been going over this hypothetical scenario since before he could drive, played it out in his head more times than he can count, and here he is, polishing fucking silverware late enough at night to watch the sun rise because he can’t calm down enough to close his eyes for an hour or two.

“It’s just Louis,” he mutters out loud to himself, immediately bursting into hysterical laughter. That’s the problem. He can’t fuck this up; tomorrow needs to go as smoothly as possible. He wants this more than just about anything, the chance to show Louis how perfectly they could fit together now that they’re finally on the same page.

Are they?

Oh, God, what if they’re not.

The sun is just about fully up by the time Harry starts pacing around his house, trying to convince himself that he’s overreacting and he’ll feel better once he gets a few hours of sleep. Maybe he needs to eat something. Or exercise. Or do anything other than think of ways to light himself on fire in the most pain-free way possible.

He falls asleep on the edge of the couch while he’s trying to decide, running sneakers in his hands, and when he wakes up around nine o’clock, the shoes are still in his grip, his hair is matted to the side of his face, and he’s more stressed out than ever.

They agree to meet around eight o’clock for dinner and Harry tries to focus on the excitement factor, rather than the if-I-think-about-this-long-enough-I-could-vomit factor. He gets to be the the one to take Louis to a unique spot downtown, a place he’s positive Louis will love. He gets to share an intimate meal with him. He gets to buy him a drink, share a dessert, tell him how gorgeous he is, and, if Louis lets him, really kiss him goodnight. He gets to have him. God, he hopes Louis will let him.

Harry doesn’t eat all day, too riddled with nerves to force anything down. Instead, he works on finding an outfit, tossing aside shirt after shirt. He settles on something he’s only worn in front of Louis once or twice, an item he’s confident in enough to say he knows he looks good, and the goal is to get Louis to agree. If he can get Louis to admit he finds Date Harry - a Harry he’s never had before - even the tiniest bit endearing, then Harry has won. He can work with that.

He forces himself to stop staring at his reflection about an hour before he heads out to pick up Louis, his top ironed, his skinny jeans fitted in all the right places, his hair actually cooperating for the first time in what feels like decades, and he makes the absurd decision to stand by the door for the remaining time as to not wrinkle anything.

“Absolutely ridiculous,” he mutters under his breath, grabbing his water bottle on the table and his keys on the hook by the door. He’s as ready as he’ll ever be. “But the first step is admitting it. Second step is to stop talking to yourself.”

Louis’ house is only seven miles from Harry’s. Typically, it’s an 18-minute drive, depending on traffic or how distracting Louis is being from the passenger’s seat. It’s mainly highway driving, simple and mindless, and Harry has each and every turn memorized. Could do it in his sleep, practically, if he had to.

Of course, this would be the day a significant pothole decided to emerge on Main Street about two minutes down the road from Louis. Naturally, he hits it while he’s drinking his water. He loses his grip, startled, and empties nearly half of the bottle directly down his front.

“Son of a bitch!” he shrieks, pulling over, ignoring as passerbys beep angrily at him for holding up traffic. He hops out of the Jeep to inspect his wheel, making sure the tire is okay, and fortunately, everything looks good.

Everything, that is, except for himself.

Harry curses under his breath as he checks his watch and sees he doesn’t have time to go home and change. He searches desperately in the trunk for something to change into, pissed beyond belief that he’s soaked to the bone, water starting to drip down into his jeans. The only thing he can find is a t-shirt he changed out of at the gym last week. It doesn’t smell terrible, but it’s not good enough, it’s not what he wanted. It doesn’t matter in the long run, he knows, because Louis has seen him a thousand times and knows what he looks like regardless, but it doesn’t stop him from resting his forehead against the steering wheel, another string of swears falling out of his mouth before he can stop it.

He pulls up in front of Louis’ house just before eight o’clock, cutting the engine and making his way up the walkway. He isn’t nervous anymore; instead, he’s upset, feeling like so much is already out of his control. This suddenly feels like too much, he thinks as he knocks on the front door, scared out of his mind that he can’t do this, that there’s more here than he can handle.

But then Louis is in front of him and he looks so gorgeous, Harry feels like the wind was knocked out of him. His mind is a blur of yes and wow and I look like shit and this is why we’re doing this. This is who I want.

“Hi, Lou,” he forces out, smiling briefly. “You look nice.”

Louis touches the nape of his neck, toying with his hair. “Thanks. So do you.”

He knows he’s blushing. He can feel the heat creeping onto his cheeks. Fuck. “I probably looked better before I got on the road. I was drinking water on my way over here and I hit a pothole and the water went everywhere and my sweater got soaked and this was the only thing I had in my car…” He stops when Louis reaches out to touch his hand, a comfort Harry didn’t know he needed.

“You look good. I promise. Really good.”

Louis sounds sincere, and even if he didn’t, the look on his face would give him away. Harry can feel himself relaxing, smiling, even, and he’s in so deep over his head for this boy, he can’t even stand it. “Okay,” he says eventually. “Are you ready, then? Link is all set?”

“Believe me, he’s set for a while.”

He shrugs, nodding. “I made reservations, so let’s go.”

They start to walk to the Jeep together, Harry leading, and he doesn’t look back over his shoulder at Louis before he pulls open the passenger door. But when they do finally make eye contact again, Harry’s able to catch the barely there pinkness claiming Louis’ cheeks, his neck. His smile is contagious.

This is going to work.

Harry’s running on about three hours of sleep. His neck hurts from the couch, his stomach is in knots from uncontrollable nerves, his t-shirt smells like stale cologne, and Christ, with Louis right here beside him, he has never been this happy.

#tug of war #drabble #my drabble #anon #HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE!

[bluegrasshole]

do all the get to know your author questions bc they're all good and i can't pick

ko…. you need to work on your decisiveness (but thank you)

1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

i mean.. not really. i had decided not to write any more fanfiction to focus on an original story i started but then… i wanted to get used to the setting, work through some personal stuff… kind of warm myself up while still writing the other one… so i’m writing a nurseydex lighthouse story like i said i would

2) what work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?

my entire fanfiction.net account is bad. so so so bad. and surprisingly recent. also i HATE my early zimbits stuff, but of course one of them is like my second most popular piece so i can’t delete it. like really hate. and it’s frustrating because i have good stuff from that time period, so i don’t even fucking know what was going through my mind.

3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

chronological but i tend to go back and add things obsessively. i like getting the skeleton down first just to get the basic plot and know where i’m going, then i go back to add in details – the meat of the skeleton if you will… and you know i like details

4) favorite character you’ve written

any dex is my favourite, but also specifically jack from samwell gentlemen’s hockey because he cracks me up, and i really loved writing parvati in that one parvender piece. 

5) character you were most surprised to end up writing

camilla? in strange lovers i didn’t even know i was writing camilla until i realized like 3k in that my character who i’d named millie and was blonde was in fact… camilla. she snuck up on me

6) something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now

oh… i do go back and fix things often (in strange lovers i went back to rewrite parts of ransom’s character and his role months after i originally posted it because i realized i had written some pretty shitty stuff regarding black men) but, meh, row upon row is always one i’d like… want to go back and fix, especially the rushed ending, but i can’t go back and change it now because it’s been read by too many people…

7) when asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?

super embarrassed. only my best friend knows because she’s also a writer but i still don’t feel super comfortable talking to her about it. we’re getting there with each other. she doesn’t write fanfiction ya feel though i think she’s read some

8) favorite genre to write

lmao idk i like writing comedy but plot is hard so i don’t often do it. character studies i guess, AUs, angst

9) what, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

music, and listening to people tell stories about themselves or others, just being around people is inspiring to me. i recently went to a show that was a mix of folk music and storytelling about prince edward island? and it was incredible i left there feeling so invigorated

10) write in silence or with background noise? with people or alone?

i do most of my writing in a café a minute from my apartment, with or without music depending on if my wireless headphones are dead or not, always w a blended matcha latté

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

oh man. i mean since i started writing in like, 2010? i mean, everything, obviously. but since 2015 – christ. still everything? well, definitely verb tenses/points of view/epithets/general structure and technique, definitely better at rhythm though that took some serious work and a couple stories focussed solely on rhythm and flow. i think i’m much better at nuance now – weaving different themes together to make at least a semi-coherent story… and general prose, i think. finding a balance between minimalism and appropriate imagery. i’m more comfortable playing around with grammar then i used to be. idk, i think my voice has just overall developed into something clearer and distinct from others.

12) your weaknesses as an author

plot and dialogue-heavy scenes. i like writing dialogue and i think the lines themselves are good usually, i just have a hard time, like finding the balance between dialogue, dialogue that has to accomplish something, and prose. and writing a neat point-a-to-point-b plot is a losing battle

13) your strengths as an author

i’ve been told setting, and i think that’s about right. i get obsessive about crafting like, a complete world where it feels like there are things that happen outside of the plot and the main characters. building fucking lore into the setting is the most fun for me. i think the details make the story.

14) do you make playlists for your current wips?

heeeelll yeah

15) why did you start writing?

idk i spent a lot of time on the internet and all the quote unquote cool kids were doing it. i was in a RP where we were all pretty close friends (still follow them on all social media including fb) and we just like, wrote each other fic. i was pretty good at writing before then (for a kid) and even was runner-up for a national award or something in grade six? i barely remember what it was for but i do remember the piece was called “autumn’s opus” and it was comparing the seasons to an orchestra or a piece of music idk. it was pretty killer for an 11-yr-old if i do say so myself

16) are there any characters who haunt you?

oh i don’t know about haunt but i do get sad about jack and kent all the time

17) if you could give your fledgling author self any advice, what would it be?

read your dialogue out loud to see if it sounds natural (it probably doesn’t) and put dooooown the epithets. it’s lazy writing and you don’t need them. and reread reread reread reread. in different fonts, different colours, on differents days, out loud, by different people… reread!!

18) were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? what were they?

absolutely anything by fluorescentgrey but especially her historical AUs, familiar’s character designs and rawness, waspabi’s dialogue and humour, montparnasse’s prose and tenderness, misandrywitch’s everything, and this piece which inspired a tattoo and pushed me to start experimenting with my own writing a couple years ago… among many others

19) when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

oh i usually just give up halfway through that’s how

20) do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts?

usually i go to the café and sit for like 5 hours and if i get a few hundred words out of that i’m happy

21) what do you think when you read over your older work?

ugh it’s so bad and shitty and i hate it all

22) are there any subjects that make you uncomfortable to write?

well, yeah. i don’t like writing about religion so i just… don’t, much. strange lovers had the most religion of anything i’ve ever written. and i’m cautious about writing about race though i’ve done it a few times… i don’t super like writing traditional coming-out stories because i just don’t care all that much so i’ll usually twist them around somehow if they’re necessary. 

23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

all of my life experiences inform my writing. that’s not me being facetious i just mean that i really like listening to people tell stories and telling stories myself and gossiping etc that i think it’s clear that i prioritize that in my writing

24) have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?

ah yes coal mining in 20th century nova scotia lmao

25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of

the very first paragraph from my nurseydex wip: 

There are days where you think you could lose yourself in the fog and there are days where you wouldn’t mind. When you wake and it’s there eating the world up, surrounding it all like a living thing, voracious, and it’s even hungrier at night, and the only thing that reminds you you belong to the earth and are tied to it like the oldest and most solid daybeacon in the harbour is the horn, loud and long and haunting and filling. And the light. The light, the light, always the light.

#ask #laughingthelaughiest #my writing