#still kinda sleepy. but God Damn It i wanna get this show on the ROAD | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

suchalonelysunflower · 3 years

Text

Be Alright (l.h)

Pairing: Luke Hemmings x Fem!Reader

Requested: Yes!

Summary: You go on tour with Luke and the boys for the first time, but things don’t go as planned as you try to fit in.

Warnings: Angst with Fluff. Anxiety, panic attacks, low self esteem. Language. Hostility. Some grammatical errors (English is not my first language, I’m sorry)

Word count: 6.9 k

Author’s Note: This fic takes place after the pandemic. It deals with anxiety and panic attacks, but please remember that the symptoms as well as what the person experiences it’s always different, this is just how I see and experience these cases. Please, if you want to learn more about them get informed by a reliable source. Remember that Reblogs, Comments, Likes and Feedback are much appreciated and you don’t know how much it helps me! ❤️ Hope you like it and Happy Reading 🌻🦋✨

My materialist // wanna be part of my taglist?

Picture taken from Pinterest

@theshyspy : (...) So I was wondering if you could write something with Luke or cal (whoever feels most natural?) where the reader just gets really anxious and he takes care of her and calms her down? maybe making sure she eats and/ or drinks enough, that she gets some rest, perhaps he sings for her? Idk just some fluff🤷🏼‍♀️ (It’s totally ok if you don’t want to, or don’t feel comfortable writing it !! I know it can be triggering for some people so just leave it if it bothers you in any way!!🙆🏼‍♀️💕)

The feeling of an ice-cold touch shook you out of your dreamless sleep. You nearly jumped out of your seat before remembering where you were and what you were doing.

The light came through the small window, illuminating your seats and the small aisle that separated you from your friends. The air conditioner was turned off and you made a mental note to thank Luke later, he knew how cold you get on these travels.

Speaking of “Why are your hands so damn cold?!” You scolded your boyfriend as you rub your eyes, trying to wake up and steady your heartbeat from the scare you just got.

Luke just pressed his lips in a thin line, not wanting to laugh at your sudden reaction but also not to smile like an idiot due to your sleepy state. Even after a 15-hour flight you still looked cute as hell in his eyes.

“Sorry, love,” He said with a smile once you looked at him “I was having a drink, and then came time to wake you up. I didn’t notice my hands were cold”

You murmured some gibberish close to an ‘okay’ and yawned “How long was I out?”

Luke cringed “20 minutes”

“What?!”

It was no surprise, you could never sleep well in places that were not a proper bed. You didn’t want to think about how it would be like to sleep in a bunk next to your six-foot-four Australian boyfriend.

“I thought I slept longer” You pouted “Although it didn’t feel like much”

“Another bad dream?” He asked, placing his head on your shoulder as he intertwined his fingers with yours, slowly playing with them.

“A lack thereof, actually,” You said, yawning again “But don’t worry, I’ll sleep when we get to the hotel”

Luke smiled and brought your hands to his lips, softly placing a kiss on your knuckles as you cuddled next to him.

Your heart was beating loud and you hoped he wouldn’t notice, or if he did then he did not say anything and you were grateful. It was stressful enough to travel on tour for the first time and to know that you might bring him down with your anxious overthinking was not doing great with you.

Luckily, your mind grew quiet as Calum popped his head from the seat in front of you.

“Excited for your first tour?” He asked with a grin. He looked brand new, and as you looked around you realized they all do. For a moment there you had to remind yourself that this is what they do for a living.

“Mmh hmm” You hummed, head still placed over Luke’s while you played with his hair “Kinda nervous, though” You admitted.

“Why?” This time it was Ashton the one who asked, popping his head from the seats next to yours as he joined the conversation “It’s going to be fun! Like a big road trip” He chuckled.

“Yeah but-” Your voice was cut out by the pilot who announced over the speakers your arrival at the airport.

You thought about sharing your fears with the boys, given that this was your first time flying across the world with them you didn’t exactly know what to expect and you were scared to find that out in the worst situations. But then, how could they know? After all, how much pressure could they have when they pretty much secured the love of everyone? You, however, were just the girlfriend and it almost felt like you have to earn that place on tour.

The fans will be looking at them but criticizing you. It’s not like it would be your first time dealing with it since you went public with your relationship, God knows it’s not easy dealing with that But it won’t be just them this time, there’s also the paparazzi, the crew, the boys themselves even if they don’t notice; they are all expecting you to be ready and up for it, perfect all the time. Not to mention the stress of traveling and the schedules, the jet lag and the-

Once again your thoughts were put on pause before you could finish overthinking them as you felt Luke shake next to you. You met his gaze but he was looking to the side, trying hard to stiffen his laughter as Ashton dropped an ice cube into Michael's back under his shirt, waking him up with a jump and a mix of curses.

You shook your head and laughed along with them. You should be thankful for having them, after all, they are your friends and they could help you manage all of those pits of anxiety that started to grow. Anything could happen on this tour and, at least you know that you won’t be bored.

Luke helped you with your carry-out and let you walk in front of him, all while placing his hands on the sides of your waist and walking -or actually more like waddling along with you. You giggled as he placed his head on top of yours, making it difficult to walk for the both of you but he wasn’t going to let go. That’s one of the things you love about him; he is never afraid to show his affection and be close to you, almost in a protective manner. You feel safe with him and you know the feeling is mutual.

You laughed with the rest of the boys as you made your way to claim your luggage, joking around and teasing each other much to the annoyance of the other passengers. You felt how Luke’s chest rumbled with laughter, and in the few quiet moments, you got while waiting for your bags he managed to hold you closer and press little kisses around your forehead and cheeks, making you giggle in his tight embrace. You almost forgot how tired you were from the flight.

Almost. But your body had a different plan.

As your bags were taking their sweet time, you could hear the distant voices of the boys drifting away from you. Slowly, you began to drift away too, your eyelids becoming heavy as you struggled to stay up. Soon enough, the notices became a light buzzing sound inside your head.

“Y/N?” Luke asked as he felt you become heavier on his grip “Baby?” He looked down at your face and saw you fight to get your eyes open and failed to do so as they kept shutting without your permission.

He cringed as he saw your tired face, knowing that he was once again tasked with the job of waking you up. If it were up to him, he would’ve carried you in his arms all the way to the van just for you to get some sleep. But it was common for them for fans to welcome them in the airport accompanied by some paparazzi who tried to get a bad shot out of them and, despite his wishes for you to be completely rested and healthy, he needed to wake you up.

“Y/N, are you alright, love?” He asked whispering in your ear, rubbing his hands up and down your arms hoping that in that way he could somehow share some of his energy with you.

You quickly came back to your senses once you felt Luke’s arms leave your waist and hold you by your shoulders and elbows. A red flush covered your face as you realized where you were standing -and almost falling, asleep.

“Y-yeah,” You said, standing up straight as you pull away from his hold, somehow trying to prove your point “I’m just-“

“Tired. Yeah, it’s okay” Luke reassured you as he came closer and wrapped you in his arms by the waist “I was just like you when I experienced my first jet lag. It will go away”

You scoffed “Yeah? In how long?”

“In like four months when we get home” He teased, immediately bursting into laughter when he saw you glare at him.

You slightly punched his chest, mocking anger. But soon enough you found yourself laughing along “I think I just need to eat something”

Luke stopped laughing, replacing his smile with a concerned gaze “Didn’t you eat on the plane?”

“I couldn’t. I tried to eat while you were asleep, but my stomach just rejected the food so I chose to wait until we were on land”

Luke shook his head and was about to say something when Calum interrupted him to give you both your bags.

“Those were the last ones,” He said “We need to get going”

Luke nodded as he watched him walk away, turning to you once he was out of sight.

You could feel his worried stare, but you just smiled at him as you placed your hand on his cheek “Don’t worry love. I can buy something from here and then eat some real food at the hotel if that would make your worries go away”

He just sighed and nodded. You smiled reassuringly at him and brought him closer to peck his lips “Love you”

“Love you, too,” He said with a love fool grin “Ready to start the tour?” He asked excitedly.

You nodded enthusiastically as you grabbed his hand and started walking along with him towards the gates, feeling ready to face up anything.

Well, you weren’t ready to face up to what ensued.

As soon as those gates opened you were bombarded with flashes of cameras and screams from thousands of people.

Fans were gathered outside the airport gates, waiting for their favorite band to arrive. Of course, this led to the paparazzi being there as well, waiting to get an inside scoop of the boys’ first arrival on their world tour after the pandemic.

There were too many people for you to be able to see more than three meters in front of you. All of them were shouting Luke’s name as he tried to make his way out of there and lead you to safety.

You lifted your gaze and saw how he was smiling at the fans, waving with his free hand as his grip on your hand became tighter. Strangers were approaching the both of you very quickly, pushing their way to the front as they asked and demanded a picture of an autograph.

Your personal space was becoming smaller and smaller as they pushed through you, trying to separate you from your boyfriend’s grip. They bumped your shoulder and kicked your sides with elbows and frantic arms. You felt your voice getting drowned out as you called for Luke, hoping that he could hear you over the commotion and come help you out.

It all happened so fast. Luke let go of your hand by accident for just one second as he tried to look back at you. His heart shattered as he struggled to find your eyes in the crowd of pleas and flashing cameras “Y/N?!” He called, trying to appear calm in front of those strangers, but on the inside he was desperate, kicking himself over and over for ever letting go of your hand.

And then, he heard it “Luke!”

Your eyes were wide and filled with tears as people pushed through you to get to him. His eyes filled with regret as he sucked on a breath and walked towards you, easily making his way back as all of the people who were standing there stepped aside to let him through. No one pushed him, no one yelled at him for stepping into their place. No one dared to disrespect him as they disrespected you.

In a matter of seconds, Luke was standing in front of you, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you closer to him. You felt like you could breathe again.

“You okay?” He asked, mumbling as he kissed your head. You heard the faintest “aww” coming from the fans witnessing this little gesture and confusing with something cute instead of what it was: he was shielding you from them, protecting you while comforting you the best he could. Yet, all you could hear was Luke’s beating heart as you hid your face in his chest.

“Let’s get out of here,” Luke said, tensing his whole body as he pulled you to the side, not letting go of his grip to your waist as you walked rapidly towards the exit.

You both ignored the calls and flashed from your surroundings. You could feel your breathing becoming heavier as you tried to keep up with his steps, not really relaxing until you saw the van’s door opening and Calum making space for the both of you.

You jumped inside the car and Luke quickly followed, closing the door and letting out a breath he was holding.

“So…” Ashton said, breaking the silence after they drove away “That was fun. Nothing like a little chaos to start the tour”

For the first time in your life, you wanted to punch his face. Your heart was still beating loudly inside your chest and they were all so calm. It truly seemed like they didn’t care that you just went through one of the scariest experiences of your life.

Yeah, you know you might be exaggerating. But it’s your first flight with the boys, first time in a foreign country, first time with a multitude of fans and photographers where they all pushed you to get to your boyfriend. And they were all fine? Like it wasn’t a big deal? And they say it was fun?

The chattering continued, all three of them talking about the fans they saw and how they reacted to them. Joking around and teasing each other for various reasons. No one noticed how your hands were shaking or how you didn’t say a word since you got up in the car.

You tried to steady your breath and to hide your hands somewhere until they were cool. You still feel a sting where one girl elbowed you, knowing it might leave a bruise. You tried to close your eyes and think about nice things to get you off your mind for a while, but all you could see was how Luke drifted away from you, going farther and farther as you lost sight of him; and no matter how hard you yelled his name, your voice was drowned and lost among all the others.

The tears started to pick up in your eyes and you held them back as hard as you could. You needed to be strong, this is just the first stop of the tour and you needed to toughen up if you want to keep up. You just hoped you could do it before anyone noticed it.

Luke was sitting beside you, not participating in the conversation of his bandmates, but rather he was looking at you and how your leg bounced up and down in a rapid motion.

He knew your mind must be going ten miles per hour at this moment. You weren’t used to this whole lifestyle and for that to be your first experience must be nerve-wracking. He wished he could just erase all those bad feelings and bring you the comfort you deserve.

“Hey,” He finally said, softly enough for you to hear as he leaned closer to you. Your eyes quickly snapped in his direction, finding some kind of peace in his baby blue eyes “Are you okay?”

He knew the answer was no, but he also knew you would never admit that, so it was no surprise when you smiled at him and nodded. Only this time the smile didn’t reach your eyes like they always do.

“You know just… a bit tired, that’s all,” You said, not wanting to worry him. But it was a little bit late for that and you noticed that the instant he furrowed his brows and gave you the ‘I know you’re lying’ look.

“Are you sure? Because that out there was pretty crazy and-“

“I’m fine, Luke” You reassured him, scooting closer to him and leaning against his frame. He immediately rounded his arm around your shoulder and started drawing circles on your skin with his thumb “I don’t really want to talk about it right now. I just need you close for a while, is that okay?”

Luke sighed and held you tighter “Yeah, of course, love. Whatever you need. You should try to get some sleep, I’m sorry we couldn’t buy you anything to eat back in the airport”

You look around you. All the boys were singing and joking around, not paying attention to you and Luke; making it difficult for you to just drift back to sleep.

“No, don’t worry. I’m okay. I’ll eat and sleep when we get to the hotel”

You watched the scenery pass by as the car drove you to your destination. You tried to focus on the conversations going around you, but you were too distracted by the beauty of it all.

It amazed you how after such a scary experience could come such comfort; you were surrounded by your best friends and your lover, experiencing new things and memories you knew you needed to treasure forever.

From time to time you could feel Luke staring at you, almost like he wanted to make sure you were okay and you would reassure him with soft smiles and little pecks on the cheeks as the other guys reminisced about their previous times abroad.

Suddenly, the car came to a stop and you found yourselves parked in a huge parking lot. You looked at Luke with a confused expression and he did the same. You didn’t know where you were.

“Uh, why are we stopping?” He asked as Calum and Ashton opened their doors and stepped out of the van.

“Because we are here?” Michael asked, not getting his friend’s confusion.

“This is the hotel?” You asked.

“This is the venue…” Michael said, pulling a lever so he could push Calum’s seat out of the way and step outside “We are not going to the hotel till tonight”

“What?!” Luke half asked, half yelled.

“Yeah, dude. We’re behind schedule so we need to do a quick soundcheck and then hop in the car and go do a couple of interviews in radio stations… did you not read the email?”

Luke facepalmed himself “No…” He lamented as he rubbed his face with the palm of his hand, then he looked at you with apologetic eyes “Oh my god, Y/N. I’m so sorry, love”

“It’s okay, Luke” It was not okay, you really wanted to take a nap and a shower before the show. But you couldn’t have avoided this at any cost and it wasn’t his fault at all, so there was no need to bring him down because of this.

“No! Of course, it’s not okay. You need to rest and eat a proper meal. This is it fair to you and I’m so sorry”

You could tell that he was kicking himself inside his head and you hated to see him all worked up and anxious. It broke your heart to see him so frustrated with himself.

Your palms cupped his face and made him look at you “Luke, baby. It’s fine, I promise. It will be fun! Plus, I can always nap on the couch” But he didn’t look conceived at all “I’ll be fine”

He sighed “Promise you will eat something there? And drink some water?”

You nodded with a smile “I promise. Now go! You have a soundcheck to kill” You winked at him and pecked his lips before jumping out of the van.

“What would I do without you?”

After the quick soundcheck, the boys changed clothes and got ready for an afternoon filled with interviews and quick appearances. It was going to be a wild ride, so you opted out of staying in the venue until they got back.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Luke asked for the tenth time.

“Of course she will!” Intervened Ashton “She’s Y/N/N, she can take care of herself”

You rolled your eyes at him and stared back at your boyfriend “I’ll be fine, love. I’ll just stay right here and maybe I’ll take a nap”

“And you know where the catering room is?”

You certainly didn’t, but he didn’t need to know that right now. You would manage well enough.

“Yes, dad” You teased

“Y/N!” Luke mocked a shocked expression “Not in front of the boys!”

You scoffed and lightly pushed him in the chest “You pig! Not everything has to be dirty!”

“You started it!”

“Go!” You laughed, kissing him one last time “Give your fans some content”

You saw the four of them walk through the door and you let out an exhausted breath. This is the first time you allowed yourself to relax since you boarded the plane almost 24 hours ago and you were beyond tired at this point.

How did they do it? Fly across the world and still look like superstars, what kind of deal did they make, and with whom?

You looked around the green room, your eyes landing on your reflection. You physically cringed at the image in front of you; dark heavy bags rested under your eyes and your hair, although pulled back, seemed oily and tangled in knots; your clothes had wrinkles in them and you seriously regretted sending your luggage directly to the hotel, leaving you with this shirt, a hoodie, and your black jeans.

A sigh escaped your lips as you tried to think of nice things; things that would keep your mind out of overthinking every single detail that has gone wrong since the minute you left home. How were you supposed to prove that you belong on the tour if you couldn’t even handle the first day? You needed to gain your energy back before the guys came back, and what better medicine than a little nap?

You moved Ashton’s heavy bag from one corner of the couch and laid on your back, but the awaited relief never came. You tossed and turned in different positions, hissing every time the warm leather glued itself to your skin only for it to be peeled off with every movement.

The sounds from outside of the room grew louder as the crew hurried to put everything in its place on time for the show. People were running in and outside the green room, not paying attention to you laying on the couch trying to find an ounce of sleep as they focused on their tasks.

You don’t know how long it’s been and, honestly, you’re afraid to ask. It was clear that you were not going to get any sleep here, not while everyone’s acting frantic because of a scheduling mishap and not while your mind is still preoccupied trying to keep up instead of relaxing as Luke told you to do.

You tried one last time to get at least a five-minute nap, but it was almost impossible. You opened your eyes with a groan and got up, so frustrated that you didn’t even feel the burn on your skin when you separated yourself from the uncomfortable couch.

The second your feet touched the ground and you lifted yourself on your feet, everything started to spin. You felt how your blood seemed to have disappeared from your body, leaving only a carcass that couldn’t stand for itself, making you fall on your ass back into the couch.

You felt nauseous, but the growling in your stomach reminded you that you haven’t eaten in all day. You had to eat something before you passed out, but the mere thought of eating made you feel even dizzier if that was possible.

You counted to ten, ignoring the way your head pounded with loud warnings and stood up. It took you a few seconds to find your balance again, but once you started walking you felt like you couldn’t stop.

You got out of the room, not really knowing where the catering was but you were determined to get there. You couldn’t let Luke and the rest see you like that, so weak and pathetic. It’s just day one and you are already passing out? How stupid is that!

The loud bangs in your head increased with every step you took, soon becoming voices that screamed inside your mind, drowning every ounce of clarity you might have; turning to the right and then to the left, then to the end of the hallway and back to the right. Did you even know where you were going?

Did you even know why you were here?

It was bound to happen, sooner or later, that Luke would ask you to accompany him on tour. Bet he is regretting that decision now. You tried, you really tried to be the supporting girlfriend, but how could you be of any support when you were the one who needed it? He didn’t come here to be your nanny and yet all he’s done is worry about you! You should be able to take care of yourself, yet you can’t even do that for him.

What a terrible girlfriend you were. He will surely break up with you and send you back home on the next flight. He didn’t need this kind of energy, this cloud of darkness you were becoming, ready to drown out his light with your problems. If only you could do better for him. For Luke.

Luke, the simple thought of him brought you to the brink of tears. You loved him so much, so much that it hurt to love him yet at the same time it was the best comfort in the world just to be standing by his side. You wanted to be by his side and never let go, but you were pushing away from him. Your mind and meaningless needs were separating you from him, telling you that he deserves someone better, more equipped to handle the lifestyle you weren’t ready for.

He is the brightest star in the universe and you are just a firefly, trying hard to be something you’d never be and everyone can see it. The fans see it, the media sees it and even your friends will someday. They will realize that you were nothing more than a girl who just hoped she could be enough but ended up becoming one more burden to carry with.

You couldn’t survive out here, not right now, and not without Luke. You are falling and you feel like if you stay you might drown him with you. You were disappointing him right now, pacing around the-

Where the fuck were you?

The voice inside your head died down as you didn’t recognize the place where you were standing.

You were supposed to be on your way to catering, and you were… but you didn’t know where it was and now you don’t know where you are.

Great.

The screams of the fans reverberated through the walls of the narrow hallway, you only now realize that the doors must be open and the show is about to start. You brought a hand to your back pocket, thinking about calling Luke and telling him your situation and asking him how to get to where they were. But your pockets were flat and your phone was nowhere to be seen, you must’ve left it in the greenroom.

“Fuck!” You yelled, voice hoarse from not having drunk anything since this morning. You looked to your left and there was just a blank wall staring back at you with no way out. You thought about going back, but you weren’t paying attention to where you were heading, so you risked the fact of getting more lost before someone could find you.

Fuck it.

You turned around and started walking, faster and faster. You were almost jogging through the deserted hallways trying to find your way back. You were panicking with every turn, every curve. To the right, then left, then a left, and a right again. You could hear the faintest riff of a guitar, so you speed up your pace. Your exhaustion had nothing compared to the fear in the pit of your stomach, you needed to get back. You needed to be there for Luke, to find your way back.

The desperation you held inside made you ignore the tears that were spilling out of your eyes without permission. You didn’t want to be alone anymore in a place you don’t know. You are sure your mind is playing tricks on you, making the hallways longer and the seconds everlasting, constantly repeating in your head how you were nothing more than a little lost girl who was playing something she shouldn’t. Something she wouldn’t ever be.

People passed you as you turned around corners, your heart beating loud as you recognized some faces from the crew, getting closer and closer to where you were supposed to be.

And finally, you arrived.

You let out a breath, you didn’t know if it was from relief or just a way to drown out the sob that was threatening to come out. You made a move to open the door but you noticed your hands were shaking. A cold feeling ran through your body, making you shiver as you wiped your sweaty palms on the front of your jeans. You were so close but why did you feel so far away? Drifting and drifting further and further….

What was happening?

“Y/N?”

You heard your name being called by a familiar voice. You lifted your head and saw Michael standing at the door of the green room, his eyes scanning you carefully. You swore you could see a hint of fear in them. He quickly moved out of the way, opening the door wider so you could step in.

You lifted your gaze, your teary eyes meeting Luke’s as he stood in the middle of the room, pacing back and forward with his phone in his hand, gripping it so tightly you thought it might crack.

“There you are!” He said, pressing a button on his screen. He was smiling, relief visible on his features as his eyes took you in “I’ve been looking for you, the opening band already started playing and- Y/N?”

Suddenly, everything stopped. Luke’s eyes denoted fear as he saw you collapse to your knees the moment you stepped into the room. He saw everything happen in slow motion: the way you wrapped your arms around your stomach; the shaking of your entire frame as you let out a heavy breath mixed with a sob; and the tears in your eyes as you tried to make sense of what was happening to you.

He acted fast. In one swift move, he was kneeling in front of you, taking you in his arms as he pulled you closer to his chest “She’s having a panic attack!” He said, loud enough for everyone in the room to hear, but none of his friends moved as they were still shocked by the image of you falling into the ground.

“Michael!” He called, remembering that people act better in an emergency if given direct orders “Go find a doctor. Ashton, bring her something to eat. And Calum, find water and soda. She’s dehydrated and needs some sugar”

All three of them didn’t think twice before jumping out of their seats and running through the halls to find those things for you. But you couldn't hear any of that.

“I’m sorry,” You cried, over and over again “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

“Shh, love” Luke cooed, lifting you and sitting back down on the couch, placing you on his lap as he rocked you back and forwards “It’s okay love. Nothing to be sorry for, I’m here. I’m here”

You kept crying into his chest, struggling to breathe as every sob seemed to tear your throat in two. You knew Luke was touching you, but you couldn’t feel his hands anywhere as you shook through your cries.

“Baby- Y/N, listen to me. Okay?” He said with a calming voice, completely contrasting how he was feeling inside “Listen to my voice, baby. Breathe with me, okay? One,” He inhaled deeply, his finger tracing a line up your back so you could follow him “Two” He exhaled, bringing his finger down “Good, do that again, please? One, two”

He was trying so hard not to panic along with you. Seeing you so frail in his arms made his heart break into a million pieces. He didn’t know what was going on in your mind or why or what you were apologizing for. All he knows is that he would do anything not to hear your broken cries again, so desperate and hopeless. He would do anything to make sure you are alright and safe.

You imitated Luke’s breathing pattern as close as you could. Breathing in and out every time he asked until you could feel his finger running up and down your spine, his touch finally bringing some comfort to your body and mind as they recognized him. They recognized home.

Your cries died down the moment Michael stepped through the door accompanied by a nurse, Ashton, and Calum who all brought some type of food and drink to lay down on the table.

Luke made some space so the nurse could sit down next to you, but he never once let go of you or stopped moving his finger on your back. He needed you to know that he was still here and he was not going anywhere.

“She seems good,” The nurse said after quickly giving you a check-up “It was just a panic attack. You did well in calming her down” He said to Luke, giving him a pat on the back “I’m gonna leave here some pills for her to take once she eats and drinks something, these will help with the body ache and headache she will feel later and also will help her sleep”

The four men thanked the nurse as Michael closed the door again. All eyes were fixed on you as you rested your head on Luke’s shoulder, eyes closed as your breathing became even and lighter again.

“Is that-? Is that a half-eaten burger?” Calum asked, pointing to the table filled with foods and drinks, and breaking the silence that had set upon them.

“I panicked!” Ashton answered.

“Could you guys give us a moment, please?” Luke asked, eyes never leaving your face as he held you closer. His friends nodded and walked out of the room, leaving the two of you alone.

��I’m sorry, bub,” You said, voice broken and soft.

You slowly opened your eyes and suddenly felt like crying again when you met Luke’s gaze. Surprised at the fact that he didn’t seem angry; all you could see in his eyes was a relief.

“Why are you sorry, love?” He asked, voice as soft as yours as he caressed your cheeks with the back of his free hand “You have nothing to apologize for. These things happen and we can’t really avoid them”

“No,” You said, pushing away from him as you separated from his lap and went to sit on the spot next to him.

Luke’s heart broke at your actions, but it completely shattered when he saw the tears picking up in your eyes again.

“I’m sorry for ruining everything” Your voice broke as you started talking “I’m sorry for being one more burden in this tour that hasn’t even started yet. Look at me! Not even a day in and I’m already falling apart! This is not what you expected of me, Luke and don’t try to deny it. I’ve disappointed you, the band, myself-”

“You did not do such a thing” He tried to say, but you weren’t listening.

“Maybe I’m not meant for this” Your words took his breath right out of his mouth, he didn’t like where this conversation was going “Maybe I’m better off at home. At least there I’m not embarrassing myself in airports or with your fans or with your bandmates and crew- I want to be someone you would be proud of but all I do is overthink every little thing that I forget the rest. I tried so hard to keep up, to prove to you and the others and even myself that I could belong here on tour; that I could live this life with ease as you all do and I just keep failing everyone. I love you, Luke. But I can’t stand the thought of slowing you or pulling you down with me, and you don’t deserve to be tied up with some mess like me-”

Your words were cut off by Luke’s lips clashing with yours. It took you a minute to respond and kiss him back, letting all your worries slip away for only one minute. Only one minute where you could pretend that everything was alright.

Luke pulled away first, placing his forehead against yours “You uplift me, Y/N”

“What?”

He cupped your cheeks, making you look at him as he spoke with such care and love.

“You could never bring me down, you are the one keeping me above the water, my love. I deserve to be with you as much as you deserve to be right here with us”

“Luke-”

“It’s my fault,” He said with a sad voice, you opened your mouth to say something but he beat you to it “Don’t try to deny it, Y/N. It’s true. I should’ve prepared you more for what was coming instead of throwing you into the lion's den without a single warning. I knew from the moment I saw your face in the crowd back at the airport that I had failed you, not the other way around. But you stayed, you pulled through and told me that it was okay when it clearly wasn’t. Y/N, you are stronger than any of us and much more caring and loving… I’m so proud of you and that I get to call you to mine that sometimes I can’t even believe it”

He carefully wiped a tear from your cheek, his heart fluttering with joy at seeing you smile back at him “I love you. And if you say that you are not ready for this, then I will book you a flight tonight. I don’t want to see you in pain, my love, even if you try to hide it. I couldn’t stand the thought of being the one who breaks you” He took a moment, thinking over his words “But if you decide to stay. I promise you I will make every single minute of it worth it. I’ll protect you better. I’ll do my best to take care of you the same way you take care of me. You’re my angel, Y/N. And I need you close”

Tears were falling down your eyes again as you pulled him closer into a hug. Luke quickly swung your legs over his lap and held you as tight as he could, almost fearing that you would slip off his embrace if he ever let you go.

You could hear him mumbling something as he rocked the two of you back and forwards again, this time to comfort you both. You pulled your head slightly from his chest so you could hear him better, he was singing the words from “Still”, your favorite Niall Horan’s song.

”Oh, we'll be alright

Oh, it'll be alright”

You always loved when he sang to you, always bringing you the sense of peace you so much needed.

But as you cuddled closer you noticed that not only was he singing, but you could also hear the guitar, the melody, the crowd…

Luke noticed your confusion and chuckled “I asked the opener to cover this song for us; for you. Wanted to surprise you on your first day”

You swore your smile couldn’t get bigger if you tried. Your eyes filled with tears as you chuckled “Well,” You said, sniffing as you knocked your forehead to his “I can’t wait to see what other surprises you got for the rest of the tour”

Luke’s eyes sparkled with the happiness of a little boy on Christmas day “You’re staying?”

You nodded “As long as you want me to”

“Forever, then” He smiled before connecting your lips with his once again. Letting go of all your worries, for all you could feel was love.

The concert was going great. You were convinced this was their best show up to date, but you were saying that since the tour began two months ago.

Luke stayed true to his promise of making everyday worth it. Although you knew that every day that you woke up next to him, whether it was in a bunk or a plane or a hotel bed, that it was worth more than enough. You were home, wherever you went, as long as you had him.

You smiled, laughed, and danced along with the songs on your side of the stage, looking proudly at your boyfriend who lived to do what he loved. But your favorite moment of the night was this; seconds before he started their next song, he would look for your eyes backstage and once he’s found you, he would smile at you and say.

“This is ‘Lover of mine’, everyone. Sing with your heart”

Tags : @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @sarcasticallywitty15 @hoodhoran @flaneurcth @notinthesameguey @bubblegum18 @myloverboyash @nicebasscalum @calumspupils

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dyscrasia-eucrasia · 4 years

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Part 19

"I still can't believe you like musicals," Angel said as he flipped through a stack of jewel-case CDs.

When they had finished eating, he and Demie had migrated from the kitchen table to the living room. He sat on the couch, while Demie sat in the armchair. When Angel had sat down, Demie had stood looking at the couch for a moment before awkwardly taking the chair. Angel could only figure that Demie was afraid that sitting too close to another man would be gay.

And yet, Demie had the soundtrack for Les Misérables playing on a dusty old stereo, and had been humming along with an enthusiasm that Angel just didn't believe existed in straight men. Of course, that could just be him stereotyping, but he got a powerful gay vibe from Demie, and his gaydar had never steered him wrong before.

"Musicals aren't gay," Demie said. "They're art. I bet you think wrestling is gay just 'cause it's guys touching each other."

"Wrestling is super gay," Angel replied. He glanced up to see Demie looking at him, brow furrowed and nostrils flared. Demie reached behind himself, picking up a ratty throw pillow he'd been sitting against, and chucked it at Angel. Angel shrieked, lifting his arms just in time for the pillow to bounce off of them.

"That's for saying shit's gay when it isn't," Demie said, pointing a finger at Angel as if reprimanding him, before settling back into his chair.

"Okay, well," Angel picked up the pillow from the ground and tucked it under his arm, "you can at least agree that country guys aren't usually into musicals."

"How much do you know about people who live in the country?" Demie asked.

"Admittedly not much."

"Yeah, so keep yer damn mouth shut, fuckin' city slicker."

Angel laughed, looking back at the CDs. There were so many original Broadway recordings. He didn't even have this many musicals, and he'd been in theatre class.

"So, which one's your favorite?" He asked.

Demie leaned his head back against the chair, thinking. "Aida. But the original opera's better."

"God, you listen to opera, too?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I?"

Angel had a response, but he held it back. Demie was turning out to be full of surprises. He was cultured in a way Angel just didn't expect out of someone who lived in the backwoods. But he didn't really want to have something else thrown at him, so he kept his mouth shut, like Demie had advised.

"What about you, what's your favorite?" Demie asked.

"Hmm," Angel tapped his mouth with his forefingers. "Would it be stereotypical to say it's Rent? Of course, Wicked's a close second. Oh, and I love Hamilton, but I haven't gotten to see it live because nobody can."

"You said you did theatre, right?" Demie said. "What shows were you in?"

"Oh, it was just high school plays. Most of them I didn't even get speaking lines, I was just the obligatory dance kid. But I did get to play the Jester in Once Upon a Mattress my senior year."

"Never heard of it."

"Really? It's super common for high school productions."

"Never been to high school."

"Oh." That made sense. Angel hadn't really thought of how Demie would've handled being in school, considering he wasn't human, but it was pretty obvious now that he probably just… wouldn't.

"Were you homeschooled?" He asked.

"Basically," Demie grunted in reply. "I don't know how to do fuckin' algebra, but it's not like my parents really expected me to do anything besides farm."

"It's not that big of a deal, I know algebra, and I've never used it a day in my life since I finished high school."

"Hm."

Once again, Angel had felt like he'd said something that had sort of ticked Demie off for reasons he didn't really understand. Though, a lot of stuff made more sense in retrospect, like why Demie had been so upset about bringing up the Goatman. There was probably a lot more to be sensitive about when you weren't even human.

Still, Angel wished Demie would communicate what bothered him more. He wanted to be friends - ideally, he would've liked more than that, but he could settle for being friends for now. But Demie had emotional barriers a mile high up around him at almost all times. Angel just wished he knew how to get Demie to ease some of them down a little.

"Oh jeez," he said, glancing out the window behind him. The sun was dipping down below the trees, casting the clearing in grey tones. "It's gonna be dark soon, I should get going."

"Really?" Demie asked. When Angel looked back over at him, his expression looked a little let-down. Not a lot - Demie just didn't seem to emote very much. But after spending the better part of the day with him, Angel felt like he was starting to pick up on the nuances in Demie's expression. Like right now, his eyebrows were raised just a little, his eyes widened just enough so that he didn't look sleepy.

"Yeah, it's like an hour and a half back to Charleston, I don't really wanna take those dirt roads in the dark," Angel said, setting aside the stack of CDs and standing up. He stretched his arms over his head, yawning loudly.

He hadn't meant to do it, but when he stretched his shirt road up a little, exposing his stomach. When he lowered his arms again and opened his eyes, he saw that Demie was looking at his belly. But Demie quickly blinked and his eyes flicked upwards to look at Angel's face. He did it so fast that it seemed as if he was afraid he'd been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to.

Demie stood up too, and they both stood there for a moment, just looking at each other. For probably the tenth time that day, Angel found himself thinking about how fucking tall Demie was.

He'd always liked tall guys.

"So…" Demie said.

"This was fun," Angel said, trying to fill the awkward silence. "We should do this again sometime."

Demie's eyebrows rose a little higher. Angel wasn't sure what that meant. Surprise? Happiness, maybe?

"Really?" Demie asked.

"Yeah. Now that I know you like musicals, I'll bring my Bluetooth speakers next time, we can listen to some of the shows I've got."

"Yeah. Yeah, that'd be cool." Neither Demie's face nor voice showed it, but something about the way his shoulders got a little tense, like a spring coiling, gave Angel the impression that Demie was genuinely happy to hear that.

"Cool. I'll call you and let you know when I'm free."

"Cool. Cool, yeah. I'll be here."

"Alright, well…" Angel turned towards the door, but stopped when he heard Elaine's voice coming from the edge of the living room.

"You leaving?" She asked. She'd stayed in her room the entire time he'd been in the trailer, so he was surprised to see her come out now.

"Yeah?" He replied.

"Let me go move the van, I kinda boxed you in."

"Oh. Thanks." He cast a glance over at Demie. "See ya."

"Yeah, see ya."

Once he got outside and down off the deck, Angel sighed. He felt so heavy and bloated. The food had been delicious, but he never ate anything fried. He didn't even know what the calorie count for the meal had been, but he knew he'd have to hit the gym before going home to work it off.

He followed Elaine over to the cars, put his hand on the handle of his driver's side door, and made to open it.

Immediately, Elaine slapped the door and shoved it closed again. Angel blinked, turning to look at her. She kept her hand against the door, taking a step closer to him, cornering him against the car. Whereas Demie's face was placid and expressionless, Elaine seemed to have resting bitch face, and right now she looked especially pissed.

"Do not tell anyone about him," she said. Her voice was low and barbed.

"What?"

"Do not tell anyone about Demie. If you tell anyone about him, I will kill you."

"Okay?" Angel tried to back up, but she just got closer. This felt even more dangerous than when Demie had asked the same thing, and Elaine didn't even have a gun on her.

"I'm dead serious," she said, and her voice showed it. "I know people with pig farms. You ever see pigs eat? They'll eat anything. You tell anyone about Demie, and they'll never even find your body."

"I won't tell anyone," Angel said. He couldn't stop his voice from shaking a little.

"You better fucking not," Elaine said. She pushed against the car to propel herself back, then turned and went over to the van, climbing up inside it. Angel quickly opened the car door and slid inside. His hands were shaking. He'd been threatened before, but never like that.

The van started up behind him, and Elaine performed an agonizingly slow eight-point turn before finally pulling up parallel to his car. He couldn't help but feel like she'd deliberately boxed him in, specifically so that she would have a chance to threaten him.

And yet, as he backed out of the driveway, he couldn't help but feel like it was worth it to have gotten to spend time with Demie like that.

#writing #writers on tumblr #original fiction #gay fiction #lgbt fiction #original characters #wright's writing #w:demie and angel

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high-fructose-lesbianism · 5 years

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The 5 Best and 5 Worst songs from 2017′s Billboard Top 100 Singles

Whoops, this is like a year late.

The 5 Best Singles

5. 1-800-273-8255- Logic ft. Alessia Cara & Khalid (#79)

Whenever pop songs touch on any sort of serious issue the question for me is do I buy the sentiment? Do I think it comes from a place of authenticity or is it a particularly cynical cash grab? I believe the sentiment on this one. I like the use of the suicide hotline number as the song title and the message is uplifting though not in a way that “message” songs can be where it just says, “hey, don’t do that, you don’t need to.” This song acknowledges the struggles of depression and suicidal thoughts without glorifying them nor minimizing them.

4. I Feel It Coming- The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk (#34)

I love The Weeknd’s collaborations with Daft Punk. The majority of the Weeknd’s work is more slow jams that might go on a “songs to have sex to playlist” but, well, I don’t have a great deal of need for such songs. I do always have a need for catchy, funky songs that combine the talents of robots and Canadians. AND while being more upbeat, it’s still absolutely a song you could have sex to.

3. Starboy- The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk (#20)

Yeah. I really like The Weeknd/Daft Punk collaboration. This one ranks a little higher because I think the beat is more recognizable. It charted last year and this year so this song has staying power and it deserves it. This is a catchy, well-produced song that missed getting on my best list in 2016 but a year later, with different songs to compete against and (hopefully) me developing slightly better taste in the interim, it’s definitely one of the best charting songs of the year for me.

2. Praying- Kesha (#67)

I don’t know if there’s been a pop song with this level of raw emotion in all the years of Billboard charts I’ve looked at so far. Kesha is an absolute powerhouse in this song. I’m really glad this song charted because it is definitely different from her previous charting singles, it’s certainly not a song to grind against a dude you’ve just met while intoxicated but Praying is such a showcase of Kesha’s talent as an artist. The amount of emotion she evokes in this song is really impressive. Even Adele hasn’t released a charting single that’s such a punch to the feelings.

1. Feel It Still- Portugal. The Man (#45)

But, at the end of the day, what I really want from my charting pop music is something I can dance to. Feel It Still is an exceptionally danceable song. I love it. It’s so funky. It makes me want to bust out all my white girl dance moves. I feel like there’s a dearth of songs that really make you want to get down and boogie in the charts these days and Feel It Still is there to represent that specific subgenre and it does so perfectly, with a great baseline and retro flair. I’m so about this song.

The 5 Worst Singles

5. Magnolia- Playboi Carti (#79)

There weren’t necessarily a lot of really notable, memorable bad songs on this year’s charts. Magnolia is here because more than anything, it’s forgettable. I guess there’s some use to it in that it sounds like an amalgamation or stereotype of the entire year in charting singles but nobody will remember this song in 15 years. Hell, I’m not sure anyone will remember this song in one year. It’s so disposable. There’s no staying power to it. It doesn’t seem like a song that a lot of people with have a big nostalgic connection to and exclaim in delight if they hear it in 15 years on a throwback radio station. Magnolia just kills three minutes and leaves no emotion, memory or thoughts behind it.

4. I Don’t Wanna Live Forever (Fifty Shades Darker)- ZAYN & Taylor Swift (#26)

I can’t stand Zayn’s falsetto. It hurts my ears. That’s the major sin of this song. If he sang at a register that appealed more to my human ears than bats, this song probably wouldn’t even make my short list of considerations for the worst songs because it’s otherwise a competent if unremarkable song. But jeez, I do not like listening to Zayn hitting that register. It makes me cringe like nails on a chalkboard. The song also doesn’t scream or even whisper passionate, kinky BDSM relationship but hey, the movie also failed on that front so I’m not even mad at that particularly.

3. Look What You Made Me Do- Taylor Swift (#39)

With 1989, if not before then, Taylor Swift proved she cant make a good-ass pop song. 1989 was an album full of them. As a followup, Look What You Made Me Do is more than disappointing. The melody isn’t good and is so unoriginal they had to settle a claim with Right Said Fred of I’m Too Sexy fame. That’s a problem. The sort of sing-talk that Swift does for most of the song also doesn’t appeal to me. And there’s the lyrics. Subtlety thy name is not Taylor Swift. We all know what this song is about and it’s not charming. She comes across as petty, thin-skinned and unlikable. She also completely fails to evoke any sort of bad-girl image despite that being her clear attempt. This song is bad in a way where I’m tempted to call it lazy because it’s definitely not utilizing all the potential of Taylor Swift and her team but that’s sort of the worst part about it, it’s not lazy or a throwaway song. A lot of thought went into this and all those thoughts were bad. This is not a song, it’s a compilation of bad ideas.

2. Chained to the Rhythm- Katy Perry ft. Skip Marley (#73)

It’s arguable if Katy Perry ever had a personality but in recent years I still feel like she’s lost whatever personality she initially had. This song is cliche and lame. Maybe a singer with a more powerhouse voice could’ve sold it but I dunno, the basic tune of this song seems like something I’ve heard several times before. Katy Perry’s music has always been pretty shallow but I excused it in the early years because it was at least catchy. I don’t find this song nor many of her recent hits to be such. Chained to the Rhythm just seems tired. It’s supposed to be a roof-raising party song but I just feel sleepy and a little sad when I listen to it. Even the fact that the chorus mentions zombies doesn’t soften my opinion to it. It’s such a bad simile and doesn’t even have the right number of syllables to quite fit the melody. I don’t like it.

1. Body Like a Back Road- Sam Hunt (#8)

Holy shit. This song is the highest charting of any song on my best or worst list and it’s the stupidest. I don’t need to do a particularly in depth analysis of this, do I? Comparing your lover’s body to a road of any description is a bad and unflattering metaphor. Anyone who’s a fan of country music should be furious at this song because it sounds like a parody of country music. How did Sam Hunt ever think this was a good and complimentary thing to say about his girl? God, this song is just beyond stupid. Sam Hunt deserves to be punched in the throat by the shambling, resurrected corpse of Johnny Cash for writing, recording and releasing this song.

Other Observations on this List

It’s been like a year since I started listening to this and I’m just hammering this out before I go on vacation for a week so these observations are gonna be kinda half-assed.

Listening to this playlist back in January and then months later when I finished was sort of interesting because I had a lot more passionate opinions in January and a lot of them felt sort of nullified when I went back and finished this in later months because music trends just sunk in more for me I guess.

I do wish this current trend of sort of droning pop music would end. So many songs this year don’t have a whole lot of inherent danceability.

So white rappers aren’t even a notable change in the status quo now, huh? I’m not saying 2018 was the first year that white rappers existed but I have noticed that in the past two or three years there just seems to be far more prominence of white rappers and less discussion about that. I think, as a culture, we’ve just stopped caring if it’s cultural appropriation or whatever which is fine I guess, but some of them are so average, I sorta wish it was still the case where (with the exception of Vanilla Ice), white rappers had to be in some way notable to prove that they deserved to take up space in a genre that started as being by and for the black community.

I didn’t put Bodak Yellow on my best list basically because of personal taste (mine is bad) but damn. What a powerhouse of a song. As a statement of intent, it’s exceptional. Cardi B came to slay.

Can we PLEASE be done with Maroon 5?

iSpy almost made my best list. It’s dumb but at least it knows it’s a dumb song which shows self-awareness that actually makes it smarter than a lot of songs on this list.

#mary dabbles in music criticism #long post

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