#source : ancient memes on Twitter
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Good Omens x Michael Sheen x Ancient Rome - a crossover made in heaven Italy
I'm crawling out of the rock I've been living under - just because I feel like this post I reblogged needs some context to be fully appreciated (and you all know how much I love deep diving into the most random shit). Quoting @thiswomanshouldbewriting :
No one is doing it like the Italian Good Omens fandom, making Michael Sheen trend on twitter because Alberto Angela used his footage as Nero in his documentary. Literally no one is like us.
The mentioned footage is, as you might have inferred if you're a Michael Sheen/GO fan, from the 2006 BBC docudrama "Ancient Rome: Rise and Fall of an Empire", which Sheen starred in as a very unhinged Nero. Imagine you're the average italian GO fan, channel-zapping while you do chores, or homework, or you're having dinner, and you suddenly see (on RAI1, aka the state-owned broadcasting *main* tv channel) THIS:
(and also the show somewhat restores Nero's reputation, *and* discusses at length the Romans' rampant bisexuality *and* mentions Nero's same-sex marriageS (plural) *and* the soundtrack SLAYS) (god I wish it was subtitled in English 'cause y'all would love it)
That's something to be excited about already. But wait... there's more!
If you're not Italian (hi 99,9% of tumblr) you might ask yourself: but what's all the fuss about? and who the fuck is Alberto Angela?
Glad you asked.
Alberto Angela, author and host of the documentary programme that included the aforementioned footage, is - simply put - an icon, a myth, a cornerstone of cultural divulgation in this country.
He's an accomplished paleontologist, archeologist, writer, and a very engaging communicator.
He's a son of art, since his late father Piero was an even greater public figure, an all-time favourite of the italian audience (think: the Mr. Rogers of science divulgation) -- which only adds to Alberto's fame and love by the masses.
He's been a staple on tv for a long time, a beloved chaperone to everything about science, culture and especially history, which he conveys with utmost passion.
He's also a very fine man.
It won't surprise you that, over time, he's become sort of a national sex-symbol: the charming nerd, the next-door Indiana Jones, the cultured, wholesome, handsome heartthrob.
...and a great source of memes:
"I DIVULGE. HARD."
"Deoxyribonucleic acid" *splash*
So... let's rewind for a moment: you're the average italian GO fan, channel-zapping while you do chores, or homework, or you're having dinner, and you suddenly see Michael Sheen as Nero featured on the most popular documentary programme in the country, by the most beloved & iconic tv host of recent times.
In conclusion: this is why the italian GO fandom is going positively feral on twitter. You're welcome. *crawls under her rock again*
#a new segment:#italian culture 101 with fluffsmut#next time i'll introduce you to Alessandro Barbero - and then it's over b*tches!! lol#michael sheen#good omens#alberto angela#italian tumblr#italian stuff
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So I just read Danny Phantom: A Glitch in Time and...it was ok
Had this come out when I was a kid and just watched Ultimate Enemy I would have gone absolutely feral over it
this show came out in 2004 so not quite sure how to feel about the updated technology IMO it would have been cool to have a time capsule of the show than the common floating timeline you see in comics
unlike with DC graphic novels you can tell the person that wrote this is actually a fan of the show and not a rando corporate pick the plot is plausible and the characters stay in character
A loyal tribute that brings in new lore and character growth
it also retcons the hated movie Phantom Planet
And it leaves enough to be curious for the sequel
People either seem to love it saying it's a good continuation the more serious take they wanted or hate it saying they're tired of villains being complex and redeemable and not pure evil anymore and the plot seems too much like tumblr fanfiction
I made notes as a read it so spoilers under the cut
Dash Kwan Paulina and Star are ghost hunters
Tucker has instagram/twitter “Spectregram” fans
The Fentons supply the town’s ghost hunting tech unasked
Tucker’s wiki “click-a-pedia" has him listed as married to Ember
Danny and Jazz just accept their father is such a bungler he can’t even kill a guy by abandoning him in space
Dan was strong enough to dent the only thing that can contain him and just it being knocked off a shelf was enough for him to break out (why Clockwork the Master of Time never foresaw this happening moved it from a table to a more secure location ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )
So uh... Dan just absorbed “ate” Clockwork
Ecto energy can reach atomic bomb levels so dimension ending threat there
Since the Disasteroid his powers have been fading their theories match their personalities Tucker-science Sam-government Jazz-trauma
“Do you have any childhood trauma you wanna talk about?” (like Jazz as if you weren’t there)
Vlad found a primordial source of ecto energy and just kept that information to himself for a rainy day
Jazz has a magical girl transformation for her ghost fighting suit
Vlad is just “ignore those clones” (there in clothes so did Vlad just buy multiple copies of Danny’s favorite outfit how did he know his size)
Vlad is such an old man who doesn’t know how to use modern computers
“not a place of honor” ah the nuclear waste warning (we don’t really get much more exploration of this or the seven ancients)
Sam is a horse girl
Valerie still holding that grudge huh
In Pariah’s Keep Danny is suffers from bad memories and holds Sam’s hand to comfort himself
The Keep is Fright Knight’s domain
Danny just forgets humans are the ghosts in the Ghost Zone (in line with how often he forgets what powers he has)
Fright Knight calls Pariah his master
Vlad is such a loser he keeps getting his shit kicked
Maddie “That’s not my Danny.”
The Ghost Zone and human world were split in half an unnatural divide
Danny is still a C student (io don't think he's going to be an astronaut)
Ghosts are manifestations of human emotions not separate entities (take that Fartman)
Eventually they start to lose their human identity it’s why some are less human
Vlad has his own “Where’s the rest of it?” meme
They figured out all ghosts run on some emotional drive or purpose
Danny realizes his purpose is protection but now there’s no longer the monster of the week threat or his parents he never asked himself what he wanted
Now instead of constant fighting he’ll help the ghost achieve their desires they just want to keep doing in death what they did in life and heal the rift
Fight for control Clockwork
Vlad finally grew as a person realizing it was his action and drive for power that drew everyone away and has making amends as his new purpose
Dan just doesn’t want to be alone (makes sense the “no more painful human emotions” +Vlad’s anger and abandonment issues so he’s all the emotions and pain)
Dan is destabilizing flashing back to his pre Dark child form because he’s a being outside his destroyed timeline
Danny is the GOAT
Clockwork needs to fix what he can of the time streams and Danny has two choices Post Disasteroid+no powers or Pre Disasteroid+powers
Danny gives up being accepted so he can fix the realms “I’m Danny Phantom, proctor of humans and ghosts!”
They are back to being invisible losers and Sam is just happy goths aren’t popular anymore
The city doesn’t know how they avoided the Disasteroid but the Mayor declares ghosts are responsible for everything the city will now have a branch of ghost hunters and Danny Phantom is again public enemy #1
Clockwork transfers Dan from Vlad into one of the empty clones he’s Vlad’s responsibility now he’ll be too busy to help again
Clockwork’s powers are finite (so he isn’t omnipotent and all powerful) but he still feels something wrong in the stitches he feels weaker now
And Valerie has a Time Medallion and is pissed (but there was a Valerie in the crowd at the Mayor’s speech so the two Valeries might meet up in the sequel)
Jazz is ecstatic she was right about ghosts being emotions based
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It Came From The Wastebasket #01: Is This An Insectivore?
Most of the wastebasket taxa featured this month are completely extinct and known only from fossils, but to start things off let's take a look at a major example of how even groups with living members could have their classification muddled up for centuries.
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The name Insectivora first came into use in the early 1820s, and was used to refer to various "primitive-looking" small insect-eating mammals, with modern shrews, moles, hedgehogs, tenrecs, and golden moles as the original core members.
Then over the next few decades solenodons, treeshrews, sengis, and colugos all got lumped in with them too.
By the early 20th century insectivorans were considered to represent the "primitive" ancestral stock that all other placental mammals had ultimately descended from, and any vaguely similar fossil species also got dumped under the label. Extinct groups like leptictids, cimolestans, adapisoriculids, and apatemyids all went into the increasingly bloated Insectivora, too, making the situation even more of a wastebasket as time went on.
The problem was that the only characteristics that really united these various animals were very generic "early placental mammal" traits – small body size, five clawed digits on the hands and feet, relatively unspecialized teeth, and mostly-insectivorous diets – and attempts at making sense of their evolutionary relationships were increasingly convoluted.
(Image sources: http://hdl.handle.net/2246/358 & https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/pepe-silvia)
The rise of cladistic methods from the 1970s onwards resulted in a lot of "insectivores" finally being recognized as unrelated to each other, removing them from the group and paring things back down closer to the name's original definition. The idea that insectivorans were ancestral to all other placentals was abandoned, instead reclassifying them as being related to carnivorans, and the remaining members were recognized as just retaining a superficially "primitive" mammalian body plan.
Just shrews, moles, hedgehogs, solenodons, tenrecs, and golden moles were left, and to disassociate from the massive mess that had been Insectivora this version of the group was instead now called Lipotyphla.
But there were still no unique anatomical links between the remaining lipotyphlans. And then once genetic methods became available in the late 1990s, something unexpected happened.
Studies began to suggest that tenrecs and golden moles were actually part of a completely different lineage of placental mammals, the newly-recognized afrotheres, with their closest relatives being sengis and aardvarks. Meanwhile the rest of the lipotyphlans were laurasiatheres, closely related to bats, ungulates, and carnivorans.
Lipotyphla was suddenly split in half. For a while it was unclear if even the remaining shrew-mole-hedgehog-solenodon group was still valid – hedgehogs' relationships were especially unstable in some studies – but by the mid-2000s things began to settle down into their current state.
Finally, after almost 200 years of confusion, the insectivore wastebasket has (hopefully) now been cleaned up. The remaining "true lipotyphlans" do seem to all be part of a single lineage, united by their genetics rather than by anatomical features, and are now known as Eulipotyphla.
A few fossil groups like nyctitheriids and amphilemurids are generally also still included, but since this classification is based just on their anatomy it isn't entirely certain. The only exception to this are the nesophontids, which went extinct recently enough that we've actually recovered ancient DNA from them and confirmed they were eulipotyphlans closely related to solenodons.
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Nix Illustration | Tumblr | Twitter | Patreon
Bonus species IDs under the cut:
#it came from the wastebasket#wastebasket taxon#taxonomy#insectivora#lipotyphla#eulipotyphla#biology#paleontology#art#science illustration#paleoart#palaeoblr
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Episode 40.5 Listener Stories #5 Photodump
Image 01: the greatest meme ever, posted by @rodneystubbs on Twitter after he “hexed the moon”
Image 02: the lil kawaii tombstone from Kerrie M’s story
Image 03: Fiorella H’s haunted christmas music box
Image 04: picture of the whaley house from Eva B’s story
Image 05: picture of the Sallie house from Montana B’s story
Image 06: “Map of the creator” found in the Ural Mountains from the vid Shawn Connor sent us
Image 07: Ancient nanostructure found in the Ural Mountains from the vid Shawn Connor sent us. New Dyatlov Pass theory - did the hikers see the time travelers that left this shit behind crash landing????? brb going to go lay down and think about this
Image 08: the haunted Bytown Museum from Emily H’s story
Image 09: Pic of the sexual/haunted Mostri Park from Kate P’s story
Image 10: A picture of mouse ears because we just learned what they are thanks to Delaney. Smh, that’s what we get for having a shitty reddit-sourced podcast.
#40.5 Listener Stories 5#Let's Get Haunted#hexed the moon#haunted music box#whaley house#Map of the creator#Dyatlov Pass#Bytown Museum#Instagram#LISTENER STORIES 5
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Loki makes this to show mobi how hes felt all his life
#mobius x loki#loki x mobius#loki tv show#incorrect lokius#source : ancient memes on Twitter#Loki then makes a second one showing someone actually play chess with shark#which symbolizes mobi trusting Loki and Loki trusting mobi
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People wondering what Twitter would have been like in the Ancient times, and honestly?? Why not?? I want infinite records of how drama folded just because someone made a dumb statement.
My favourite arcs might be the Early Christian Infighting Saga. I mean, it has everything you want: Different Opinions, Cancellations, Blocks, Out of Context Quotes, Memes, Trolling, etc.
Can you imagine the hours of discourse compiled if Twitter had existed at that time?
NORMAL TWITTER INTERACTION (Circa. 1st CENTURY AD.)
@GnosticOliveToucher🍒: God is a woman lmao, send tweet.
@FlaviusDankus - #OctavianShill🍦: Based.
@SophiABasilea(Charitable Arc)👸🏽: Here king, you dropped this 👑
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@YeshuaOutOfContext🪔: Post the full clip bro.
@PhariseeBaiter101: No, you're being bad faith, I'll explain why... *Proceeds to write a wall of text* And this is the thread 1 of 8.
@TSifora(+18🌴😈): I'm not reading all this shit bro.
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@El-boy-Zar(Revolution Now🏹#FreeBarabbas): Is this Yeshua guy starting the revolution?, he said that the temple should be destroyed, IDK. Just in case, I am already on my way to the temple ahead of time to make his words reality.
@MiriamOfTyre-os⛵: Most intelligent Zealot.
@GovJPontiusPilateOfficial: Ratio lol.
#twitter#roman empire#classics#roman classics#greek and roman classics#gnosticism#ancient rome#ancient greece#christianity#jesus#history memes#ancient history memes#ancient history#ancient judaism#mediterranean studies#ancient palestine#classics memes#source twitter#hebrews#judaism#diskhorse since time immemorial
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The Network Contagion Research Institute (NCRI) is a neutral and independent third party whose mission it is to track, expose, and combat misinformation, deception, manipulation, and hate across social media channels.
The NCRI just released a report on online antisemitic conspiracy theories that has the best methodology I've yet seen in quantifying trends on social media, including graphics:
In order to reveal the coded language and double meanings of anti-Jewish conspiracy memes across four online platforms, we used a mixture of open source (manual) social media investigation, machine learning/natural language processing, algorithms for facial recognition, optical character recognition, timeline analysis, and a hashtag frequency and ranking analysis. For our dataset, we collected over 237 million comments, from three extremist communities:4chan, Gab, Reddit’s The_Donald, as well as from Twitter, and 10 million meme-images from these communities. Our Twitter sample of memes was collected only from Russian trolls.
The report is very fair in identifying right- and left-wing antisemitism, and it describes when criticism of Israel veers into antisemitic territory. It includes this brilliant description of antisemitism, and how its popular memes can be traced back to Biblical Pharaoh in Egypt:
Antisemitism is the most enduring, intact and widely circulated conspiracy theory of all time. It can also be viewed as a collection of conspiracy theories that are always adaptable to any group’s fears and moral concerns. Beginning with the biblical narrative and continuing throughout history, up to and including today, anti-Jewish conspiracy theories comprise a set of themes including (but not limited to) deception and pretense; global dominance; dual loyalty; greed; betrayal; genocidal bloodlust; supernatural evil; appropriation of land, identity, and privilege; and the replacement of those in power with Jews and other immigrants and minorities. Our opening epigraph lays out an ancient blueprint for antisemitic themes—themes that our computational analysis finds on social media today.
From Exodus 1:8, for example:
A new king [political leadership] arose over Egypt who did not know Joseph [the Jewish alien who became a powerful and influential government insider]. And he said to his people [spreading antisemitic disinformation], “Look, the Israelite people are much too numerous for us [fear of a Jewish conspiracy to control Egypt]. Let us [leadership and populace] deal shrewdly with them, so that they [Jewish outsiders living among us] may not increase [fear of replacement]; otherwise in the event of war [us versus them] they [outsiders] may join our enemies [fear of Jews colluding with foreigners] in fighting against us [fear of genocide] and rise from the ground [displeasure at the idea of Jews rising above their marginalized and oppressed status.]
The authors then map these conspiracy theory memes across different antisemitic groups, in the best charts I've ever seen on this topic:
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It’s Time to Talk about a Bespectacled Elephant in the Room
I’ve been in the Beatles fandom for 8 and a half years. I have had a Beatles blog for the entirety of those 8 and a half years, and I have watched as discourse about these four men evolve. The discourse inside and outside the fandom has become so toxic that I don’t think I can engage with it in the same way that I could before. Let me explain.
When I entered this fandom 8 and a half years ago, it was in 2012, quite an infamous year in tumblr history. That was the pique of “”cringey”” fandom culture. The Beatles fandom was as steeped in fandom culture as any other fandom. I know this because I was part of two of the top of fandoms at the time, Doctor Who and Sherlock. Believe me, I have seen cringe.
The fandom at the time was totally aware of the John, Paul, George, and Ringo’s flaws as individuals, but most fans tended to simply enjoy Beatles fandom as if it were the 60s. Some might call it ignorant bliss. If you asked me at the time, I’d have said it was self-aware ignorant bliss--if that even makes sense. At the time, there wasn’t a person with a Beatles icon who hadn’t heard the line “John Lennon beat his wife.” Everyone knew it, but everyone also knew the real story, and so everyone just made peace with it. As a result, people didn’t think about every bad thing the Beatles ever did on a daily basis. It was more like a once-a-month kind of thing. Otherwise, fandom discourse was quite fun and relaxed. There were no shipping wars, no one fought over who was the best Beatle, everyone gushed over the Beatles wives, and we all just had fun with fics and fan art.
Of course, in this period, people engaged in conversations about one bespectacled Beatles problematic behavior. These conversations usually came from outside of the fandom. It was usually randos coming into the tags or into someone’s ask box and ranting about John Lennon’s violent behavior. Some of it came from within the fandom. Some people really didn’t like John and gave others shit if they listed John as their favorite Beatle. A lot of the discourse boiled down to: ‘hey, I see you like John Lennon. You should know that he beat his wife. And now that you know that, you should feel bad about ever liking him in the first place.’ And the response was often, ‘Actually, John Lennon didn’t beat his wife. They weren’t even married at the time. And also he didn’t beat her, he slapped her once in the face, and then never did it again.’ No one’s minds were changed. The fans had made their peace, and the antis came off as cynical and pretentious.
When Dashcon happened, and Tumblr took a hard look at its cringey fandom culture, the Beatles fandom evolved as well. The fandom became, frankly, less fun. It no longer felt like a group of people who found the Beatles decades after the 60s and were fangirling like it was 1965. There was still some of that left, but a lot of it kind of faded. So, most fandom interactions were reblogging pictures of the Beatles from the 60s and various interview clips and quotes. But the barrage of antis never really went away, and the response didn’t evolve.
Then, the advent of cancel culture came on. I always waited for the Beatles to get, like, officially canceled, but I also felt they were uncancel-able at the same time. Let me explain. I have been a Beatles fan primarily in an online space, rarely engaging with fans in real life. But I have met fans who are life-long Beatles fans, people who are a lot older than us and who’s fandom isn’t tied to the internet. They don’t give a shit about any of our discourse. They may or may not have heard it before, but they seem totally indifferent to all of it. I’m sure most of them have never heard ‘Mclennon’ before. These are the people that flock to see Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr in concert (and pay astronomical prices for it). These are the people who go to record shops and buy vinyl. These are the people I run into at flea markets who buy up all the Beatles merch before I can even arrive (true story). So, the Beatles will never be canceled because there will always be people who love the Beatles and don’t engage with online discourse. Rarely said, but thank god for Gen-X.
As cancel culture took over the internet, fandoms changed. It’s not as noticeable in fandoms without problematic favs. For instance, I’m also steeped in the Tom Holland fandom, and that boy is a little angel who has done no wrong. No one has discourse about the unproblematic boy who plays an equally unproblematic character. But in fandoms with ‘problematic favs’ the mood has shifted. I’m also in the Taron Egerton fandom. Taron Egerton, for those who only follow me for my Beatles stuff, is a genuinely sweet and kind person who has had zero scandals in his six year career. There were some rumblings when he was cast as Elton John, and some people took issue with the fact that he’s a straight man playing a gay man. This discourse seemed to die quickly as a whole lot of straight people played gay people in that same year (Olivia Coleman as queer Queen Anne, Emma Stone as her queer lover, Rami Malek as Freddie Mercury). Why jump on this boy who at the time was still technically on the rise. He’s not exactly the same target as someone like Scarlett Johansson who has her pick of roles. Taron doesn’t have quite that some power in Hollywood, and I think most people made peace with the fact that this was a big role for him, and it’s not really fair to take that away from him. So, all in all, the closest thing to a scandal was something that died pretty much on arrival.
That was until this summer when everything changed. When George Floyd was murdered, celebrities flocked to social media to mourn his loss. Taron’s social media account was silent. For weeks, Taron said nothing about Black Lives Matter or Floyd’s death. This caused outrage in the fandom. Many raced to defend him, starting a hashtage #IstandwithTaron. Others sought to tear him down and anyone who supported him. The kind of mania this one incident caused tore through an otherwise peaceful fandom. What I saw was two sides in a total panic. The antis were people who once had faith that Taron was a good person and were now questioning that. Andthe defenders were people who desperately wanted him to be a good person and were afraid that he wasn’t. In essence, both sides could feel Taron about to get canceled. The defenders wanted to stop it, the antis wanted to ride that wave.
What this long drawn out Taron example is meant to convey: is that cancel culture has put fandoms on edge. One’s fav has to be perfect, otherwise it can jeopardize the existence of the entire fandom. I’ll admit, I was afraid that I’d be some kind of pariah for standing by Taron through all of this. My actions were to basically reason with the antis but still defend Taron. I defend him mostly because I felt that his silence was the result of a needed social media absence and that trying to shame him back onto social media was an invasion of privacy. But I was genuinely afraid that he would get canceled, and the fun of the Taron fandom would be lost.
In the Beatles fandom, it often feels like the Beatles, mainly John, have already been canceled. I see this coming from two different sources: antis from outside of the fandom and antis within the fandom. The outside antis are just the same as the ones from 2012. These are people who like to drop in that John Lennon beat his wife, posting this in the tag (which violates an ancient tumblr real by the way--no hate in the tags).
The antis outside the fandom speak to a larger anti-John Lennon sentiment online. I see references to John Lennon ‘beating his wife’ on Tiktok and twitter. The tone of anti-John Lennon posts has shifted. Before, it felt like the antis were being smug but also argumentative. They wanted to have a conversation about this bit of info they read on Reddit with no context. Now, “John Lennon beating his wife” is practically a meme. It’s a running joke online that John Lennon was a wife beater. I can’t look on my instagram explore page because every so often a John Lennon beats his wife meme will pop up amongst the other, normal, memes.
This change in discourse suggests that the internet has just accepted this as fact now. I should note that back in 2012, it seemed as if few people knew this fact. The fandom knew it, and these random antis knew it, but few others did. Now, because of how common these memes are, it seems to be widespread knowledge.
Consequently, the Beatles fandom, who used to ward off attacks from antis, seems to have given in. I recently saw a post from a Beatles blog (had the URL and icon and everything) that confessed they felt guilty for listening to the Beatles, and I’ve seen similar sentiments expressed in the fandom. People tend to put disclaimers in posts about John or even all four that John is an ‘awful man.’ It seems like the self-aware ignorant bliss has completely gone away. Occasionally, I still see posts joyously talking about Mclennon or reblogs of old photos from the 60s. But the culture has shifted.
Online, it no longer feels comfortable to be a Beatles fan. It feels like you have to own up to 8 decades of mistakes by four men you’ve never met. And, I should note, this is kind of how it feels to be a fan of anything right now. Taron is not canceled today, but he could be tomorrow. It’s this pervasive feeling of guilt that the person you’re supporting may or definitely has or is doing something wrong.
I’ll admit this uncomfortable feeling has expanded into other parts of my fandom life. I listen to their music, and I feel elated--the way I always have. Then, I get these intrusive thoughts which sound like all the worst parts of Twitter combined. It wasn’t always like this. Back in 2012, when I knew almost nothing about them, I saw them as four young men who were full of happiness, love for another, and talent. Back then, listening to their music was exciting and joyous. Sometimes, I fear that I can never feel that way again. Next year, when I finally go to Liverpool, will I be filled with excitement or guilt?
I say all this for a few reasons. One, I love John Lennon. I appreciate all the good he did for the world not just as a musician and an artist but also his advocacy and charity work. I love him, and a part of me will always love him, but observing the change in discourse has enlightened me as a historian. Part of my job is to observe people’s legacies, and John’s is perhaps the most interesting legacy I’ve ever observed. When he died, he was hailed as a saint. But tall poppy syndrome set in, and the antis started. This culture grew and grew to the point where it seems to, at least among the younger generation, taken over the sainthood.
But as a historian and a fan, I have never seen the saint or the devil. I’ve only seen the man, the incredibly flawed man. The thing that these antis never understand is that John Lennon was painfully aware of his own flaws to the point where it made him all the more self-destructive. In essence, his past mistakes caused him to make additional mistakes. But John, aware of his own flaws, always tried to change and was often successful. I’ve talked about this before, but John demonstrated that he was capable of being a good person, like properly so, again and again. After he struck Cynthia, he never hit her again. His shortcomings as a father to Julian weren’t repeated with Sean. He worked on his drinking, his drug addiction, and his anger, trying to overcome those demons till the day he died. By all accounts, the John Lennon that died in 1980 is not the John Lennon who struck Cynthia Powell at school. That John Lennon was living a cleaner, healthier life. He was a better father to both his sons by that point, and was trying to repair his relationship with Julian. He was a good husband to Yoko and saw himself living a long and happy life.
John Lennon cannot and should not be boiled down to just his flaws. It’s one thing as a fan to acknowledge that John is a flawed human being (news flash: they all are), but he is also much bigger than that.
So once again, why am I writing this long, rambling post, once again talking about John Lennon’s virtues? Because if I can’t engage with healthy discourse about the Beatles and John Lennon, then I can’t engage with discourse on the topic at all. So, I probably will post less Beatles stuff because I find it hard to go through the tags or even my dash (well, I can’t really go through my dash anymore for other reasons I’m not going to get into right now). If any of my followers have noticed a lot of Taron posts lately, it’s not just because I love Taron, it’s because Taron’s tag is pretty much the only location on tumblr I feel 100% comfortable in. Any foray into John or the Beatles tags becomes uncomfortable and guilt-ridden quickly.
So, I probably will post less about the Beatles until I can find a blog or a tag that doesn’t give me bad vibes. My fandom will likely outgrow tumblr and the internet. I have a ton of Beatles books; maybe I’ll rely on those. I am doing official scholarly research on them now. Maybe that will be my outlet. I’m sorry if I post less about them now, but it’s really for my own well-being.
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Plotter or Pantser (Plontser?)
There’s a strange dichotomy that the writing community has created for itself. Two separate categories that don’t quite divide the writing community, but seem to be treated as separate entities that can never cross-mingle.
“Two styles, both alike in dignity,
In fair Writeblr here, where we lay our scenes,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the writing ways of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers write their drafts;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury the writers' strife.”
Note: Did I spend too much time on this parody of Romeo and Juliet? Maybe. Do I regret it? Not in the least.
Additional Note: I tried to keep the syllable structure intact.
Onto the Guide:
Plotter versus Pantser.
What are they?
Plotters are writers who carefully plan their story before they write a single word. Their planning includes thorough research, outlining their story, character profiles, character backstories, aesthetic boards, all that. Good stuff really. It takes a lot of dedication, patience, and dutiful note-taking to do this.
Pantsers are writers who have a spark of an idea and take to a page instantly. It starts with a sentence and they continue on. They have ideas of scenes locked in their minds and stored in wonderful movie daydream format, waiting to be written but being put on hold until the pantser knows how to get there. They tend to whirl through a draft it seems. To be a pantser takes a special kind of determination and self-discipline. It’s easy for a writer to lose steam and stare at their draft wondering what comes next, and it takes a lot of hard work to keep going even when you’re stuck and force yourself to discover the parts of your story you’d never thought of before.
Both are valid methods. I admire both.
Because I am both.
Yes, you heard me. The dichotomy isn’t as separate and black and white as it seems.
In my particular case, I tend to get the spark and take to the page like a pantser. I have a couple of scenes in mind; the characters and character dynamics are a loose, vague idea; and an even vaguer idea of the plot. And I want to get it all on paper before the idea is gone. The inspiration is here, let’s make the most of it.
I tend to pants write anywhere between the first 5k to 20k words. In this time, I learn the characters, introduce myself to them and who they are, how they talk and how they act. I visualize their home and their hometowns and their world. I start to figure out the problem. And it all came from a few minimal scenes in my head that had no solid form. They needed to be developed.
I usually get stuck somewhere between the 5 and 20k, not knowing where the plot is going or what to write next. That’s when the planning begins.
I make an outline, I write down the details and history of my characters, I do research, I make aesthetic boards, I make a writing playlist specific to that story (almost like a movie soundtrack, if that makes sense). I do all those fun plotter things.
Plotter. Pantser. Plontser.
There’s not one method that’s superior to the others, or less effective than the others. It all depends on the writer and how they best write. What works for one doesn’t work for the other, and that’s why so many different writing methods, routines, and styles exist.
So go on and enjoy your favorite method of writing.
* * *
Hmm, I’m really keeping to that “Late Night Writing Advice” title on my blog. It’s now past 2am but I was struck by the inspiration to write a quick explanation on plontsing. I’ve been asked two or three times over anon if I’m a pantser or a plotter, and the above explanation is usually (though less eloquently put) how I respond.
Follow this blog for: advice guides, advice guides specific to writing blind characters (as this blogger is blind themselves) relatable writing problems and writing memes, writing memes that come with image descriptions no less, advice guides sourced from other wonderful writeblrs (check out the tag ‘writing advice not written by me’)
I also answer anonymous questions on various topics, with a lot of them being centered on specific problems with writing blind characters. I fully encourage you to send me an ask if you want, you’re never a bother, I promise.
You will also find updates and excerpts on my work in progress, A Witch’s Memory: a contemporary fantasy about three teens at an American boarding school. Ulric is a werewolf who doesn’t know the truth about how he went blind. Anna and Felix are two witches who don’t know how many memories they lost to a curse. They need each other to find the truth. Half of the characters (main and secondary) are LGBTQ+ as well.
Link to that here: About A Witch’s Memory
You can also check out the tag ‘a witch’s memory’
Writing A Blind Character Masterpost
Twitter Account: Mimzy Reiner
Ko-Fi (which goes to a savings account dedicated to the self-publishing costs of A Witch’s Memory) link is (here)
#writeblr#writing advice#writing community#writing tips#plotting#planning#pantser#plotter#my writing advice#mine
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Keanu Reeves arrives for a screening of the movie "John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum" in Los Angeles on May 15. (Mario Anzuoni/Reuters)
By Sonny Bunch May 22
This essay discusses plot points from all three “John Wick” movies; complaints about spoilers will be adjudicated by the High Table of Critics.
John Wick (Keanu Reeves) is something out of a fairy tale. Literally: He is referred to as “baba yaga” or boogeyman. When his exploits are whispered of, the stories are both ridiculous yet seemingly plausible — killing three men with a pencil in a bar sounds absurd at first, but when you consider the possibilities that a small sharpened implement offers for harm, is it that crazy?
The simplicity of Wick’s story — he seeks vengeance against those who stole his car and killed his dog, which was a gift from his dead wife — combined with his skill with guns and knives (and writing implements) foreground his legend. However, in the background of the “John Wick” films, writer Derek Kolstad and director Chad Stahelski have crafted a world of mythical references and religious symbolism that suggest Wick harkens to a line of legends and folk heroes. His is the latest face of the monomyth. And the charmingly goofy Keanu Reeves, whose accidental virality on social media has turned him into a different sort of legend, is the perfect actor to portray him.
Much has been made of the world-building in “John Wick” and its sequels. There are the gold coins the assassins trade with each other, which represent not fiscal but social currency, favors made solid. There’s the chain of Continental hotels, on the grounds of which no “business” (i.e., murder) can be conducted, and the High Table, a collection of the heads of the major crime syndicates. Wick’s world has been salted with other symbols, however: older, more primal notions.
His wife was Helen (Bridget Moynahan), whose best-known namesake launched a thousand ships. Note that the concierge of the New York Continental is named Charon (Lance Reddick), who students of mythology will recognize as the ferryman for the River Styx, the guide between the worlds of the living and the damned. The mute murderess in “John Wick: Chapter 2” is Ares (Ruby Rose), the Greek god of war who backed the wrong side in the conflict over Helen. The name of Sofia (Halle Berry), who helps Wick learn the path to the man above the High Table in “John Wick: Chapter 3 — Parabellum,” derives from “wisdom” in ancient Greek.
Similarly, there are echoes of Christian theology throughout Wick’s adventures.
Wick’s initial nemesis, Viggo (Michael Nyqvist), posits that the bespoke-suited killer cannot get out of the business because he is the literal manifestation of God’s wrath. “In the end, a lot of us are rewarded for our misdeeds, which is why God took your wife and unleashed you upon me,” Viggo says. “This life follows you. It clings to you, infecting everyone who comes close to you. We are cursed, you and I.” In the second film, one of Wick’s victims cuts her wrists in a bathtub before sliding into the position of Christ on the cross — Gianna D’Antonio (Claudia Gerini) dies for Wick’s sins, her murder demanded by a man owed a favor that Wick cannot refuse.
And in “Parabellum,” Wick risks life and limb to obtain a hidden crucifix, a totem he takes back to the Belarusan orphanage that trained him in the deadly arts. He calls it a ticket — like the marker, this ticket can’t be refused — and demands passage to safety. Passage that is granted after the cross is heated over a fire and used to mark his flesh. Passage that eventually results in Wick taking a journey through the desert, past the point of human endurance, past thirst and hunger, to meet with a mysterious force who tempts him.
These mythical allusions and his travel along the hero’s journey are among the reasons Wick resonates as a modern folk hero — but the character’s personification by Keanu Reeves, accidental social media superstar, ensured he would be ensconced in the public consciousness. Reeves has become a modern legend in his own right. He’s a meme several times over: There’s Sad Keanu and its counterpart Happy Keanu; there’s Conspiracy Keanu and Whoa/Woah Keanu. There’s a Twitter account dedicated to Reeves doing things. He’s always happy to take a picture with fans or sign autographs for hapless cinema employees. If you’re unlucky enough to get stuck on a bus trip after your plane makes an emergency landing, perhaps you’ll be lucky enough to have Reeves accompany you.
The deadly, unstoppable earnestness of Wick is leavened by Reeves’s emergence as the literal embodiment of William Wordsworth’s happy warrior: “It is the generous Spirit, who, when brought / Among the tasks of real life, hath wrought / Upon the plan that pleased his boyish thought: / Whose high endeavours are an inward light / That makes the path before him always bright.”
Wick and Reeves synthesize into a wonderful modern folk hero, a larger-than-life exemplar of that which is best in life. Wick/Reeves scratches an itch as old as the Greek myths whose echoes populate his films. The very simplicity of the John Wick story — the foundation of which is reducible to a haiku, if you’re so inclined — is soothing in this age of complication, when you need a flow chart to keep track of our political scandals and entire sections of Reddit to track the actions on our TV shows. In an age desperate for legends, for someone we can simply shower adoration upon for virtuosity on screen and decency in real life, is it any wonder each opening weekend of this series has made roughly double the earnings of its predecessor?
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Open source
Last Friday night I had a question posed to me: What is the single project that you have done, at work or at school, that you are most proud of? If you don’t have one, he continued, then you can pursue one. In your own time.
I did have an idea for something in the future. CorgiPomodoro was something I made, and it was like a meme--it was a standalone bit of JavaScript that took advantage of Dog API, another meme, to see how much I could learn and how far I would get. What if I tried something lightweight, like Vue.js, to serve as a framework? What if, instead of making a meme, I made a web application that took advantage of a nutrition API to help diabetics quickly find the carbohydrate counts in common foods? It’s been done, but there are an infinite number of iterations when it comes to UI. That’s an idea.
Still, there is one thing I realized I like about the projects I’ve done for the last year or so...at work. It’s the open source push. It’s the idea that if we take known and proven open source systems, and use them on our key software, then we’ll be getting up to speed with our technology while reaping the benefits of linking to a larger user base. This could effectively solve most of the biggest problems we’ve had.
And I do like open source, because the idea is simple: You put the source code out there, and you often invite other people to distribute your work. The idea is that it’s a self-sustaining system, one in which people are free to locate and correct bugs as they emerge. The other idea is that it opens things up to all.
And I like open source because, when it really comes down to it, I’m surprised it even exists at all. We could have guarded our software the way military personnel guard their top secret documents. We could have restricted knowledge of software writing to the wealthiest 1% of the population, and we could have shipped off the next generation of software engineers to secret, hidden locations to carry out training and swear to secrecy. Instead, we live in a world where a person can easily find software for operating systems, for frameworks, for mobile applications. Instead, we live in a world where all you have to do to be the next great software engineer is find a place with Internet access.
I love the idea, but of course there are two questions that instantly come to mind. How do you still make money? You make a proprietary version of your software that does cost money, or you charge people for support, or you find certain...other...ways to make money. The next concern--I’ll give you a minute to see if you can guess it yourself--is security. If every CEO and his grandson is relying on technology we npm installed from some random site, that really opens things up. There’s a reason that military technology and, by extension, government technology is notoriously out-of-date: Security. Considering that, I’m impressed we’ve come as far as we have with embracing open source software.
This isn’t a secret, by the way. You can read about these efforts at your leisure.
*****
It’s been 14 minutes. Let me make my final point.
Um...so...I like narrative. I can’t get enough stories.
I want to write that big, evil companies like Microsoft and Apple have always had a chokehold on the common (wo)man. I want to write about the ancient Browser Wars, a 1990s struggle of the evil, all-powerful Microsoft and its nefarious attempts to starve out Netscape. I want to write that in its final moments, Netscape gave rise to a new and better open source system. And I want to write that Mozilla Firefox was our champion, a browser for the people that rose from the ashes like a Targaryen dragon and fought back in the second Browser Wars, until Internet Explorer was a smoking ruin and the forces of Mozilla and Chrome continued to battle across the world.
It’s not even...completely true. It’s true that Internet Explorer and its child marked a low point for Microsoft after it supposedly beat out Netscape for good, but these big, “evil” corporations have made undeniably good contributions. I love to talk about how Twitter is the root of all evil and the lowest point of human society, a website that divides people and spreads misinformation, but Twitter developers also gave us the most intuitive web framework out there. Similarly, I could write (in a blog post I’m sharing on Facebook) about how Facebook spreads misinformation and steals content and drives people apart, but it’s also responsible for its own impressive web framework.
Tumblr is garbage. Tumblr has contributed nothing to the software community, and it’s a smoking pile of garbage that I still use and love.
But I like open source. I like that open source is a contributing trend, that it continues to solve some of our most pressing problems, and that it represents the fair transfer of knowledge to other people who want to do great things.
All I’m saying is, there are caveats.
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Good, long thread by @TheMittani on Twitter on “neoconfederacy” in the South:
if you ever wonder why i got politically 'radicalized' it's because i grew up in alabama as an atheist child of two biochemistry professors; at 17 i graduated and moved away forever. reminder: Alabama came within 1.7% of sending a known pedo to the senate~
any '13th dimensional chess' tweets about how the AL leg composed this abortion ban to provoke a court fight has never met an actual neoconfederate
this is what they want 100%, it's a white supremacist aristo fertility cult and all the moves make sense when understood that way
source: i have been to an unironic country club debutante ball in dear old mountain brook and folks have no idea how much intergenerational wealth transfer has carried over from the days of slavery in that society's upper class
for context, when i was in high school there were three country clubs, maybe 20k citizens, and zero black students; every street is named after a civil war battle, and 'houses' there would be called mansions anywhere else
best public schools in the state though~
folks have no clue how rich and well-educated the ruling class in alabama is, going to mountain brook means if you don't get into one of the better ivys you're probably a bitter slacker like me
legislation like this isn't from stupid hicks, it's the goal
southern aristos can be incredibly intelligent and well-traveled and are all the more dangerous politically because they are happy to play dumb in public with the aw-shucks jesus loving hick routine in order to quietly run an antebellum society and pit poor whites against blacks
it's almost comically effective, I do this stuff all the time in Eve - say laughably wrong things, act like a fool, and then it's much easier to outmaneuver people. The most dangerous enemy is one who is comfortable with being publicly underestimated.
I mean to say, 'ha ha eat my ass look at me I'm so great at spaceship games', please interpret my above tweet as evidence of hubris and ignorance rather than giving up an actual tactic I've employed so often it's been nicknamed the 'tee hee, flounce flounce' by my chief of staff
'I'm the fucking Mittani, I know everything in this game,' another good one
wearing red shirts? stupid gimmick, keep doing it because it's a stupid gimmick, it's far better for our competitors/enemies to see me as a joke
luv2club? tee hee, flounce flounce, same shit
anyhoo yeah it's the same dance, play god-fearing jesus lover to keep the poor whites on your side, maintain that patriarchy with the complicity of ruling class women who enjoy the economic benefits of neoconfederacy, and live over the mountain so no one spots all the lexuses
it's interesting to see the term neoconfederate finally get some use but it implies that there isn't already an actual working confederate states of america right in front of everyone's eyes that's been there since reconstruction, none of that shit is an accident
if you put 'hail hydra' on statues in every town in the region you don't have to bother saying 'hail hydra' or announce in print that you're down with hydra, everyone who lives there gets it
the issue is not being part of a traitorous conspiracy against the united states government (i mean hydra, not the neoconfederacy, ha ha!) the problem comes when you state it where those not in on it can hear you. Viz: ”Alabama newspaper editor calls for Klan return to ‘clean out D.C.’”
i kind of like the hydra analogy for the neoconfederacy, because all this shit - 'states rights', 'pro-life', 'voter fraud', these disparate causes are actually all the same cause:
the ~lost~ cause
southern politics makes a lot more sense when viewed through the lens of pro/anti-confederacy politics; confederate society is based upon a ruling gentry descended from the cavaliers
see generally https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albion%27s_Seed
actual /aristos/ not merely rich people
so basically you have an entrenched aristocracy that traces their lineage back 10+ generations running a plantation society and fighting like fucking hell to maintain that privilege, privilege most people in the usa cannot even begin to imagine
generic usa high ~net worth individuals~ have nothing on the cunning and unity maintained by ancient proud cavalier aristocratic families in the south with shitloads of money who will do anything to protect the universe they and their forefathers have created (via slavery)
the whole 'the south will rise again' thing is a huge joke because the structure of the society immediately returned to functional slavery as soon as it could get away with it, the south already 'rose' after reconstruction, it's right in fucking the open
if they get away with the abortion thing, they'll gun for brown v board next; these people remember life before MLK and they have not forgotten or forgiven the civil rights movement
those behind this aren't hicks, they very smart confederates acting like hicks to fool you.
many old privileged families come with a legacy and a purpose imposed on you from birth
it's not a stretch of the imagination that the quest of a lot of these old aristo families is to restore the society to antebellum life and get their privileges (slavery) back
the civil war was only a few generations ago, these families have not forgotten and they have not let their children forget
the monuments, the street named for war battles, that's why it matters still to them
southern aristos are pro-life because the whole point of the society is the poor whites fight the poor blacks, and restricting abortion = more labor and poverty to exploit by the gentry
the goal of their flavor of white supremacy is about getting rich off slaves, not death camps
not that they have a problem with a death camp or three, it's difficult to communicate how utterly disposable the lives of people outside of their class are, this is a society whose rulers believe that god has anointed them to rule over their lessers
its not rocket science, you take a slaveholding landed gentry and take away their slaves and land (good!) that gentry is going to spend its time fanatically scheming to get its land and slaves back (bad, what we see in southern politics)
anyhoo what i'm saying is that this isn't about random kooks trying to put women 'in their place' (there's a bunch of them too, useful idiots) but part of a broad campaign across generations by a dispossessed cavalier nobility to get all their lost privileges (slavery) back
conveniently the rest of america doesn't have much of an entrenched aristo/gentry culture anymore so the maneuvers of the 'neo' confederates just look like random right wing lashing out rather than a deliberate series of moves to benefit the southern aristocracy
the reality of the modern confederacy reminds me a lot of 'The City and the City' in that it's clearly visible to those raised within it, yet its contour is completely alien to outsiders who don't know how to 'see' it the 'right' way.
shit like Roy Moore being a pedo but coming within 1.7% of winning a senate seat makes a buttload more sense than 'alabama voters will send anything not a democrat', Moore is a proud and loud confederate and Doug Jones is anti-confederate
it's the confederacy - always.
Pro-life? Confederacy. State's Rights? Confederacy. Gun rights? Confederacy. Religious Freedom/Gay Cake Stuff? Confederacy. Anti-union? Confederacy.
If you're a Cavalier or one of their foremen, it all fits~
Robert Caro basically spelled out in intricate detail how the confederacy works in his LBJ bios but particularly Master of the Senate, read these if you want a primer on actual power and its uses: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Years_of_Lyndon_Johnson
when LBJ shifted to supporting voting rights, the confederacy simply switched its support from the democrats to the republicans. it's a real thing and its moves make perfect sense once you grok the core motivations of the southern gentry and their henchmen~
you see this repeatedly through history where one side stops fighting after a victory and the other side loses but keeps trying to find ways to win, the Union torched the south and moved on, but the confederacy has /never stopped fighting/ using whatever means they have available
tl;dr "it's the confederacy, stupid"
also explains those crazy 'obama is the antichrist' memes;
if you're a confederate, a black president existing is against everything your flavor of pro-slavery jesus stands for
None of this thread really applies to Texas. I was born in Houston, moved to AL at 10; completely different culture in Texas. Going to rodeos, oil/cattle, science, ranching. When I say the 'South' I'm talking about the plantation society of the Cavaliers.
As a quick example of using the Lost Cause to understand Cavalier political behavior, Lindsey Graham's 'hypocrisy' makes perfect sense. He doesn't give a shit about spewing nonsense or lying to Yankees, all he cares about is Dixie. He's not dumb at all; the Union is his enemy.
Expanded May 17, 2019:
oh yeah and Mitch McConnell was born and raised in Alabama and then Georgia from 8yrs on, so heyoooo
look up how long jeff sessions family has been naming their kids after jefferson davis on his bio
dixie is real; it's the confederacy, the political moves the cavaliers and their overseers are making on behalf of the lost cause as plain as day if you know what to look for
just gonna spend Friday night reading Albion’s seed to learn more fun ~cavalierfacts~ like how their royalist gentry is literally all one big interrelated family and coordinates retribution and uses debt to control the poor
“It is difficult to think of any ruling elite that has been more closely interrelated since the Ptolemies” holy lawl (it is a history insult as he’s basically calling the cavaliers a nest of outright incest, the Ptolemaic dynasty was Targaryen-style sibling marriage)
Hey guess what turns out the control of women is deeply ingrained in cavalier society because uh... kidnapping / human trafficking / sexual slavery and a massively skewed male to female ratio lovely people, these confederates
“These patterns did not develop by chance. Virginia’s great migration was the product of policy and social planning. Its royalist elite succeeded in shaping the social history of an American region partly by regulating the process of migration” (p 232)
fucking hell it’s all here
May 22, 2019:
by req: another ‘understanding the confederacy’ thing, all the protest tweets saying “the cruelty is the point” are wrong, the point is opportunities for race-based policing (a la weed), disenfranchisement, reinforcing patriarchy, and more labor/babies to exploit + compliance
sure there’s a bunch of cruelty in there too but the whole thing is a means to the ends of rolling back the civil rights movement and restoring the structure of Dixie as the gentry/cavaliers prefer; the confederates may be slavers at heart but they’re not cartoon villains
(they're way worse)
In case I get hit by a bus, I currently think the concept of hegemonic liberty is the most misunderstood aspect of the cavalier mindset, so here’s three key pages from Albion’s Seed~
And the cavalier conception of condescension and deference as two sides of God’s hierarchy and order is a fracture point, that’s why incivility towards one’s ‘betters’ is so provocative - milkshakes would probably work over here, too
Also by hiding and lying about the existence of Dixie, they fragment their opposition into issue-based groups - pro-choice, gun control, voters rights, anti-racism - instead of each opposition group recognizing that they are fighting the same confederate foe
Not like they really hid that much, they had confederate flags flying over their capitols ever since the Civil War until recently, but the Union won the war and moved on, so folks think they’re fighting random bigots and not the CSA
May 23, 2019:
the lack of a concerted effort by the democratic party to win and develop victories in the south has allowed the bulwark of the RNC power to be unchallenged, if you erode the Dixie Wall in the Senate the republicans pretty much lose all their functional power
as the DNC is incompetent one doesn't need to rely upon them, state by state in Dixie voting rights and organization must be pushed to undermine the structure of confederate power, that's the fracture point, that and forcing their true nature as confederates into the open
I'll develop all this crap into more useful tactics on the upcoming blog thing but this is all just-in-case 'yo guys, if I get hit by a bus, take Albion's Seed, drive through Mountain Brook for proof of everything I'm saying (crestline doesn't count lawl) go fight hydra'
as someone will inevitably discover not EVERY street in Mountain Brook is named for civil war battles (there's a lot), the really old money lives on streets named for old british estates/towns + they're episcopalians (anglican 2.0) not baptists, of course
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1 and 4 for the writer ask meme? :D
1: what inspires you?
Manga and art, both fanart and normal art! (*´꒳`*) Basically I’m a sucker as long as it’s pretty and/or cute.
I used to read a lot of shoujo manga and I follow a lot of artists on Twitter, so it’s safe to say most of my writing ideas come from these two sources. For example, the fill for Reiji’s “accidentally falling asleep together” prompt came from a beautiful piece of art of two people in a bathtub, except the perspective only showed their legs and their hands entwined together and they were both wearing wedding rings and it was just so soft and loving and AAAAHHHHHHHHH.
I ♥♥♥ looking at fanart and pretty art in general, I’m the type who can stare adoringly at the same picture for days and not get sick of it. My phone’s lockscreen and wallpaper are both fanart at this point too ^^;
Oh, I like walking too so sometimes inspiration comes when I’m wandering off in the middle of nowhere (and trying desperately to figure out how to get back on track because I have absolutely no sense of direction as well lol)
4: what time of the day/night do you like to write?
More like I only write on weekends and public holidays now cos my new job sucks the life out of me on normal days. (This is also why prompt lists only get published on weekends hahahaha…. *cries*) When I start writing I can begin in the morning/afternoon, let the draft stew for a few hours and then continue at night until it’s time to conk out in bed, the idea still spinning in my head.
On a side note, I find that recently I do my best writing while sitting on the floor and lugging my ancient laptop with me as far as the power cable allows cos the battery won’t last for an hour without it. The way I sit like that kills my back but I guess sitting at a desk reminds me too much of my day job to get anything fun done.
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I was wondering if u can do a bunch of random facts/headcannons for the main cast?
Oh man, I mean, I’m happy to try, but I’m not sure where to start for the entire cast of 10… well, now 11 gods. I know have some that are scattered around the blog’s tags, and also in places other than tumblr, but It’ll take me a bit to find them or think of new ones without revealing spoilers, hmm…
So here’s what I’ll try that’s similar to the 1 Like 1 Fact meme I did on twitter a while ago: for every note this post receives, I’ll add a DEITIES-related headcanon or fact about the main cast. The main cast includes Set, Horus, Anubis, Osiris, Isis, Nephthys, Bastet, Sekhmet, Thoth, Ra, and nowwwww Sobek – and maybe the Set Spawn and the big bad serpent too, if relevant. You can add a note by +liking this post, and if you’re interested in learning about a particular deity, you can mention their name in a comment (and it’s not necessary to reblog this, unless you want to!).
This should help give me a bit more focus and time to think of some decent non-spoiler headcanons/facts to share. I’ll come back to this post in a few hours and add any many as I can, depending on the amount of notes it receives, and I’ll bump and place them under the cut for easy access. So yeah, go for it /o/!!
[1] Been playing with a headcanon where Horus’s Eye can see an object’s or person’s weak spots – though only for like, a moment once it’s activated, cuz I’ve wanted to avoid him being OP (but then again… he’s a literal god… so >>)
Also a related-headcanon where he can see a person’s past injuries thru his Eye too, including the hidden ones that have long-ago healed and left no visible scar. I’d like to draw the ones he “sees” on others one day if I keep it…
[2] Set is the only one of his siblings that doesn’t have an avian sacred animal, and for a while I wanted to keep it that way and literally keep him “grounded” compared to his family (sans Anubis). But I found that he’s sometimes also associated with crows (and falcons??? interestingly enough), and even though I haven’t found solid evidence of this yet, I also like the idea of him being associated with bats even before I read about it in Kane Chronicles I swear– So those 2-3 animals are probably some alternate animal form that he has but just rarely takes.
[3] Actually while I’m at it– aside from the Sha Animal, here’s a list of 30-ish animals that I keep as Set’s canon forms in DEITIES verse (based on a combination of historical speculation, recorded myths, and personal headcanons), and would love to eventually draw him as one day:
Aardvark, African Wild Ass (and Donkey), Giant Anteater, Baboon, Bat, Boar/Pig, Bull, Camel, Crocodile, Crow/Raven, Dog (some sort of sighthound?), Fennec Fox, Fish (Eel?), Gazelle/Antelope, Giraffe, Goat, Goose, Hare/Rabbit, Hippopotamus, [Spotted] Hyena, Jackal, Jerboa, Okapi, Oryx, Panther, Rat, Scorpion, Shark, Snake (Viper), and Zebra/Quagga.
[4] RELATEDLY… I REALLY REALLY like the idea of Set somehow acquiring a Thylacine form even tho it’s in no realistic way in the current timeline because thylacines weren’t native to Africa let alone Egypt. BUT… I JUST… THEY REMIND ME OF SHA ANIMALS SO MUCH o)——–
[5] When I was considering the color schemes for the main cast, I once briefly envisioned a purple/violet scheme for Nephthys, but decided to scrap it because (1) I wanted her colors to contrast with her sister’s and match a bit more with her husband’s and son’s and (2) I found that purple was nigh impossible to find in AE wall art and admittedly worried “maybe it won’t look authentic if I use those colors;;;”
Even though I’m happy with her orange/black/red scheme now, I’ve recently found that purple is a common association / kemetic UPG (or doxa?) with her?? SO THAT WAS INTERESTING… I don’t think I’ll change her color scheme for DEITIES, but maybe I’ll draw her in an alternate purple outfit one day to see how it looks on her >>
[6] One of the reasons why I like Horus, Anubis, and Bastet as their own casual friend group in DEITIES verse is that, because they’re all relatively young gods, they all share the experience/pressure of being measured up against their older royal relatives – Horus being seen as both his father and mother’s legacy and feeling the pressure to restore his family’s throne; Anubis being know for his infamous father, and even having his paternity questioned (via rumors and “myths”); and Bastet being the youngest of Ra’s daughter, sometimes being compared to her sister’s roles and achievements.
They’re all really good at masking any pressure they feel, but they also probably confide in each other about it more than with others, cuz they’ve all “been there.”
[7] Relatedly, one of the earliest version of DEITIES Project, before it was known as “Deities Project,” had Horus, Anubis, and Bastet as the main trio. That’s been changed “for reasons” since then, and their characters were quite different back then, but it might be fun to explore a story that focused on the 3 of them someday.
[8] Okay ya’ll know the part during The Contendings where Horus and Set are racing in stone boats and Horus “wins” by painting his wooden boat to look like stone? I have ideas for how that entire race happens in DEITIES verse that would be fun to explore as a side story, but in order for me to give Horus a “legit” way to win without outright cheating, he covers his boat with stone casing/accents, and after he wins and is confronted about it… well…
HORUS: “The rules we agreed on were to sail a boat made with stone. They said nothing about it needing to be made entirely out of stone.”SET: “…”HORUS: “ :)c ”SET: “…” *Internally raging*
[9] I’ve headcanon’d that Nephthys has her own set of ~7 Shabti who act as her personal assistants while she’s conducting her nightly duties, or working around her home, but I haven’t decided much more past that (still debating on how she acquired them, and if she more-than-likely named them…).
The concept and number were loosely based on how many of the other goddesses had their own sets of 7 as extensions of their power and/or control (7 Ribbons of Hathor, 7 Arrows of Sekhmet, Isis’s 7 Scorpions), and I thought it’d be neat if the Goddess of Service had her own Shabti that exemplified that part of her domain.
[10] Thoth is an avid lover of puzzles, trivia, and strategy games, and he’s also exceptionally skilled at games of chance. He doesn’t gamble or make bets often because he understands the risks, but when he does he tries to be calculative about it… and also has a natural knack for luck going his way (EX: That one game of senet that he won to help assist Nut with having her children… which is another story for another day)
[11] Ummmmm Isis is the only one of the main cast who I haven’t drawn a ref of her sacred animal form yet… or at least, not digitally. Her animal is the kite, but I’ve been debating on a while for what species to base her design on. I like the idea of her kite form looking like the Black-winged Kite, although those species aren’t native to Egypt… but some are native to Africa… and they’re so fricken pretty and they fit her colors so well so I might cave on this ffffffffffff–
[12] While we’re on the subject of sacred animals (and to help me get somewhat closer to the note count lmao I’m trying guys–), Horus’s falcon form is based on both the Peregrine falcon and the Lanner falcon, with more simplified markings for my own sanity when I draw him in dozens of panels.
At one point, I considered making his falcon form leucistic to contrast more with Anubis and Set, buuuuuut I also liked the brown colors on the falcons’ normal coloration, so I kept it. (That and more leucistic birds of prey are hawks, so… maybe for Khonsu tho if I don’t change him to an owl, hmmmm…)
[13] Okay continuing thoughts on animal forms, Bastet is able to shift her cat form into nearly any coloration or breed she desires (aside from her eyes, which remain green), but for the purposes of DEITIES I draw her as a brown cat with light gradation markings. I knew of the Egyptian Mau but also realized the spots would take a lot of effort to redraw in the panels where she appears as a cat (much like the spots on falcons for Horus). I also personally really like solid-colored coats on cats, and in particular I liked the coloration of the Havana Brown, so it may be a little less authentic but it did factor into her colors as well.
[14] I'm still debating on Sekhmet's main hairstyle and want to play with it a bit more -- not the arrangement per se but whether to keep it as locks or to make them more obvious twists -- or perhaps a combination -- since I can see her with both style at certain points in time. Either way, at full length Sekhmet's hair is very long: if she were to loosen her tie and let it fall, her longest locks would reach past her hips.
[15] I initially gave Set yellow eyes because even though he's often depicted with red eyes, I didn't want to over saturate his design with just... well, red -- especially in his animal form where his entire body is covered in red fur (red eyes + red sclera would have been, a lot). I like how his yellow eyes provide some contrast, and I've since found some story-related reasons where his eyes might play some role in the plot… but anything further might be spoilery 8')c
[16] It took me a while to settle on Osiris's "resurrected" skin tone because there were a lot of sources that describe his skin as being green, or blue, or black in coloration. I even tried them out in an earlier color test that I shared on patreon, but I eventually went with black since the color has had various meanings in Ancient Egypt that include both life and death. (It also gave me some opportunity to give green skin to Ptah and blue skin to Hapi to help vary the designs for each of those gods).
[17] Relatedly, Osiris's mortal form is a naturally dark skin tone, but following this death he can no longer appear in that form. He is also unable to travel to the overworld / realm of the living, though I'm still debating on how restrictive this is (if it's limited to his physical body or if he can split his soul under special circumstances, or with assistance). Regardless, most of his correspondence with other deities have to be arranged within Duat for this reason.
[18] I haven't made any plans to designate a spouse or romantic partner for Ra. I understand that there were a number of goddesses that were associated with him in the myths and often said to be his wife, but for that reason it was hard to settle on choosing one -- or multiple, and I realized that for the purpose of the main story it might not be necessary. I also kinda like exploring the idea of this high king and powerful creator deity who's also a happily single father, and where it's not for tragic reasons like the separation from or death of his spouse (not to knock that trope at all tho sdjfdsf). I'm not opposed to him being shipped with anyone though, I just don't think I've been inclined to do it myself lmAO;;
[19] RELATEDLY, while Ra's daughters (Sekhmet, Mafdet, Hathor, Serqet, Bastet) don't have a biological mother, I like to think that they were raised in an environment with a lot of parental figures and mentors to go around, aside from just their father. I haven't quite settled on how it was organized though, but I know that the daughters regard Thoth as something of an uncle/secondary dad (tho their dynamic with Thoth is can vary a lot from the one the have with Ra), as well as their teacher and mentor. I can also see where other gods like Khnum, Khepri, and Bes, and goddesses like Neith, Seshat, Taweret, Ma'at, and Mut, might also have played some direct mentor role in the daughters' upbringing and sense of self.
[20] (squick + implied nsfw) I uh… have this minor gag headcanon where Horus, Isis, and Osiris just don't eat fish. They just… don't. And it's entirely based on that one part of the myths after Osiris's death, where a certain part of Osiris's desecrated body ended up in the river and was swallowed by a fish 8')c (should be noted that I'm not saying that event did happened in DEITIES canon, but I'm also not disputing it either >>).
Apparently that was considered a bad omen, and I still find conflicting information on whether consumption of fish was taboo for some or all in Ancient Egypt (I think "for some" makes better sense, cuz why would an entire society that resides near the Nile river pass up on a perfectly available food source?? But I digress, I might need to review this again so take my thoughts with a grain of salt--). I also admit that I've seen it mentioned that fish are not ideal food offerings for Isis and Osiris?? and I can imagine that maybe Horus adopts the distaste for them as well. Either way, I go with the DEITIES canon that while most people and deities happily consume fish, Horus and his parents will not, and they don't enjoy it as offerings either.
I’MMMMMM gonna end it here for now cuz my headcanons have run dry for the time being, thank you guys!!
#// I'M SRSLY JUST blanking on new facts right now o)-----< but I wanna give this a try later after I make dinner in a bit#// I will… also see if I can make a tag for the headcanon-type replies since it seems that people are interested in them!#DEITIES asks#general asks#meme#Horus#Set#Anubis#Bastet#Nephthys#Ra#Thoth#Isis#Osiris#Sekhmet#headcanons
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Some thoughts inspired by a funny meme circulating on the net about Herodotus and the size of Xerxes’ army
See here: https://www.trendsmap.com/twitter/tweet/1467925948410462208 for the meme about which I am talking, reproduced on this site by jackalgirl, one of the most fanatical and ignorant individuals in the fanbase of the tumblr egyptologists, and reblogged enthusiastically by the rest of the “F...k Herodotus” “gang”. See also here: https://href.li/?https://memegenerator.net/instance/82318358/herodotus-when-herodotus-says-that-there-were-2-million-persians-at-the-battle-of-thermopylae-actual for another meme on the same subject, more hostile toward Herodotus.
Lol. Alright, it is true that Herodotus overestimates a lot the size of the Persian forces during Xerxes' invasion of Greece. But this was not some kind of Herodotus' invention or "lie". The Greeks of his era believed that the size of the Persian invading force was truly colossal: for instance, an epigram of Simonides, who died in 469 BCE, suggests a number of ...3 million for the Persian army at Thermopylae!
Now, the truth is that this kind of huge exaggeration of the enemy forces is something which happened often in pre-modern eras. Moreover, scholars argue that people in the Antiquity had difficulty grasping what big numbers really represent, but also that the distinction between the precise calculation of a quantity of people or things and the use of a number as literary device was not always clear in their minds. In the case of Xerxes' army, its exaggeration by the Greeks was more particularly due to the really imposing size of the Persian invading force, which exceeded by far whatever the Greeks had seen and confronted until that time, but also to successful Persian psychological warfare.
At least Herodotus (who writes 40-50 years after Xerxes’ invasion) tries to be exact about the size of Xerxes' forces and uses his sources to do some calculations about the precise number of the invaders. Some scholars suggest that perhaps errors in translation of what Persians sources said to him (the Persian word for chiliad may have been understood as myriad) may have played a role in his overestimation of the number of Xerxes’ army. Other scholars suggest that what Herodotus says on this subject is perhaps tongue-in-cheek. It is is sure that he concludes his exposition about the size of the Persian force with an expression of lack of understanding of the logistics which could have satisfied the needs in food of such an enormous crowd of people.
Anyway, according to a specialized scholar:
"It is easy for us to criticize Herodotus or to scoff at his numbers. But it is well to remember how difficult it has proved to be even in modern times to estimate the size either of armies or of any large body of people. Herodotus himself recognized the difficulty of the task when he conceded, perhaps with a touch of humor, that no one could be able to give the exact number of female cooks, concubines, eunuchs, pack animals, and Indian dogs that followed Xerxes' army (7.187). Despite his errors, Herodotus should at least be given credit for attempting to give an enumeration of the enemy forces that was both accurate and precise."
(Michael A. Flower "The Size of Xerxes' expedition", Appendice R in The Landmark Herodotus edition of the "Histories", pp 819-823)
I add that Herodotus does not give exactly the number of two million of the second meme for the Persian army at Thermopylae (he calculates a number of 1,8 million fighters for the Persian land force). Moreover, the estimation of a Persian land force of about 210000 men of the “credible historians” of the same meme is a plausible one and is actually proposed by historians today, but it is hypothetical and just one of the many suggestions of scholars about this topic. But perhaps such modern calculations, although of course more realistic than the ancient ones, somehow underestimate the military potential and the organizational/logistical skills and resources of the Achaemenid Empire.
I add also that Herodotus does not say that the Greek force under Leonidas actually fought against the whole strength of the Persian army at Thermopylae. He is clear that, because of the nature of the terrain (a narrow pass), the Persians could use against the (still largely outnumbered) Greeks only a part of their overall force.
Moreover, the overestimation of the Persian forces in the Histories should not make us forget that Herodotus’ narrative on Xerxes’ invasion of Greece, with his exposition of the sequence of the events, of the complex dynamics and uncertainties of the situation, of the turning points of the conflict, and of the factors which have determined the surprising outcome, is very sound and an important achievement which opened new ways for the later hisoriography.
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Previously, on Dragon Age
I wrote a summary of all of Dragon Age (pre-Inquisition) off of the top of my head, including contents from a couple of novels, for a friend of mine
it’s 18 pages but here you go
Previously, on Dragon Age (pre-Inquisition Summary)
Backstory:
It is said that long ago, the humans who formed the early Tevinter Imperium grew jealous of the land and magic of the ancient elves and their city of Arlathan, so they used blood magic and demons to fuck up Arlathan forever and made those elves into slaves. The Imperium is one of my problematic faves. With the elves defeated, Tevinter expanded and conquered most but not all of the other human tribes.
The dwarves had their underground kingdoms and underground highways called the Deep Roads and they were just sort of that squidward suntanning meme about it all.
Later, some magisters, who are just fantasy senators who are all mages, decided: “Hey, you know how the Fade is the world of dreams, the realm of spirits, and it's also the source of our magic? Let's go there.” So they used a stupid amount of slave blood and lyrium—which is a blue substance that's mined and can be bonus fuel for magic, just like blood—to go into the Fade physically trying to go to this one tantalizing “golden city” in the Fade that's unreachable in spirit form, which is how normal mages who aren't The Most use the Fade. Anyway, it was a disaster. These seven magisters, who had been trying to serve their slumbering dragon gods by doing this, came back as super gross tainted creatures called darkspawn. The darkspawn went underground, wrecked shit for most of the dwarves, and came up with a horde of darkspawn.
This was called the First Blight and it wasn't as fun as it sounds. The darkspawn weren't content to just be directionless asshole monsters, and instead dug up—and tainted—one of those sleeping old gods that the Tevinter Imperium worships. So you've got this big-ass fucked up dragon with god-level powers, whatever that means, and it's also infected with the darkspawn taint. Oh, and even when the army works to fucking kill it, it just respawns, like it's the main character. So eventually, some clever folks came up with grey wardens, who are sort of inoculated against the taint, and because of Reasons they can kill an archdemon (fucked up dragon god).
Unfortunately, it turns out that having a live reenactment of The Return of the King right in the middle of your expanding empire is terrible for the economy. So the Tevinter Imperium was weakened. Oh, it's worth mentioning that they have good relations with the dwarven kingdoms in general, but most of those huge dwarven cities are just full of darkspawn and dwarf ghosts and obligatory video game spiders now.
However, a woman in Ferelden, which was never fully tamed by Tevinter—it's sort of old-timey Fantasy Britain, so picture Mud And Dogs And Freedom—named Andraste was like “hey this would be a great time to marry a warlord and to become Fire Jesus.” She's sort of inspired by Joan of Arc but she's just Fire Jesus. Anyway, she invented monotheism, which always ends well, and her warlord husband led their barbarian hordes to fight back against the Imperium. Also some elves helped because she promised to free the slaves. Eventually, her husband betrayed her (cue the “Judas, no!” vine) and she got burned to death, but the Archon who ordered that to happen put her down with a sword to be merciful. So large portions of southern Thedas, which is the continent where this is set and THEDAS is literally THE Dragon Age Setting, were suddenly freed from Tevinter thanks to barbarian hordes and a weakened Imperium.
That was like a thousand years ago.
There were some more Blights. The Fourth Blight was centuries ago and an elven twink named Garahel killed that Archdemon but honestly his sister was cooler.
Andraste's religion, the chantry, is super racist against elves and even led a crusade (“exalted march”) against the elven homeland because Bad And Naughty Non-Human Polytheists Must Be Cleansed. The Imperium still exists but they're stuck in the past and still have slavery and lack forward momentum tbh. But at least they're a magocracy. The chantry reveres Andraste but technically prays to the Maker, even though there's zero evidence that the Maker exists. In general, the chantry doesn't like mages and essentially owns all non-illegal mages who have to go live in internment camps called Circles, which are like Hogwarts if you had no choice but to go there and could only leave with special written permission and also if you were watched at all times by guards with special anti-magic powers. Templars are awful. Mages who don't go there or who escape are called apostates and technically they're supposed to be arrested but a lot of the time, templar squads hunt them down and kill them because that's easier.
Mages, it's worth noting, can be possessed by spirits and demons from the Fade. If they are, they're normally considered to be abominations which are dangerous and templars then kill them. But also, every Circle mage has to pass something called the Harrowing which is when they deliberately trap you in the Fade with a demon that will try to possess you. If you want to opt out, they make you Tranquil, which robs you of your magic and also your agency and emotions and dreams. In some Circles, templars use Tranquility on mages whom they view as political troublemakers. So that sucks. But some of these internment towers are nicer than others, I guess.
These days, the Tevinter Imperium has its own chantry which is very mage-friendly but otherwise worships the Maker. The biggest religious moment for them is when their Archon (mage-emperor) put Andraste out of her misery. Just about everywhere else follows the southern chantry, which is more anti-mage.
The Dalish elves are just the sad Trail Of Tears elves and they're regarded with suspicion and move from place to place to avoid human settlements. They worship the elven gods. Most elves live in cities, howeer, in ghettos called alienages, and they have a few distinct traditions but for the most part they're expected to worship the Maker—but aren't allowed to be part of the clergy or anything, heavens no.
Dwarves in the dwarven kingdom of Orzammar (one of only two cities that endures) revere their ancestors and believe that the Stone guides them all. They also honor paragons, which are just really good dwarves that did neat stuff one time. Surface dwarves generally “lose their Stone sense” and some may even follow the chantry.
Then there are the Qunari, who live mostly on this island north of the Tevinter Imperium. They want to conquer everyone and make them follow the Qun, which is their absolute garbage religion where everyone's life is planned out for them in advance. Even the leaders don't have real choices; they just live their lives according to what the Qun demands of them. Qunari believe that there's just one choice—whether to exist or not. People they conquer who won't yield are given a substance that turns them into drooling laborers. Qunari regard mages as dangerous things (literally call them saarebas, for dangerous thing) and use them as weapons instead of as people. They kill non-qunari mages because they consider them too dangerous.
Qunari refers to both the race of tall, gray horned giants and also to the adherents of a religion. Incidentally, they only arrived on Par Vollen a couple of centuries ago, after the Fourth Blight, so they're not super familiar with darkspawn. They immediately tried to conquer everyone, and they have some deadly technology like cannons to make that a real threat. But the opposition was a bit much and they don't like that people seem to want to die rather than, uh, become enslaved to a book, so they decided to back off but it's clear to everyone that they're just biding their time. They're still at war with Tevinter, though, and the two keep juggling who controls the island of Seheron.
Qunari who leave the Qun are called Tal Vashoth and it may be that the tall gray horned people as a race are called Vashoth but that's not clear, in game or on Twitter and maybe not even in the writer's room.
Aside from Tevinter and the Qunari, the most powerful nation in Thedas is Orlais, which is just Fantasy France. They're very into Andraste, there. Also, big into anti-elven racism. And pastels.
The only non-Andrastian humans seem to be certain people in Rivain, a city of people with brown skin and a lot of pirates. And, of course, the Avvar, who are sort of Fantasy Vikings and still follow the same polytheistic faith that pretty much all of Ferelden and the Free Marches once followed.
DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS
It's 9:30 Dragon, so 930 years since the foundation of the chantry. The Fifth Blight has begun at the southernmost point of Thedas, in a part of semi-uncharted Ferelden known as the Korcari Wilds. You're in Ferelden.
If you pick the mage origin, you can be an elf or a human (Surana or Amell is your surname), and you go through your Harrowing and help your disaster friend with his bid to escape the Tower. That doesn't go so well but you get recruited to the Grey Wardens because you're the best apprentice mage there.
If you pick the non-mage human origin, you're a Cousland, part of a powerful noble family in Ferelden. Your brother leaves to help the king as he prepares to confront the darkspawn. Your father is due to leave soon. Thankfully, is good friend Voiced By Tim Curry has arrived and will be accompanying him. Everyone goes to sleep and you can even do a gay hookup, but surprise! Voiced By Tim Curry isn't so nice and his troops attack the castle while so many troops are away. You and your battle-mom and your pet dog (super-intelligent mabari hound) murder your way through a whole bunch of people but, like, your sister-in-law and your nephew are murdered and your dad's dying so you join the Grey Wardens. Your mom also dies but she probably kills a lot more people before the end.
If you pick a Dalish elf, you and your friend go into a ruin in the woods and there's a tainted mirror and, whoops, the only cure is to be a Grey Warden.
If you pick a City elf, you're getting straight-married in an arranged marriage when Vaughn Urien comes by because he's a disastrous garbage guy who wants to rape some elves since elves don't have rights. He kidnaps the bride (which might be you) among others. Whether you're the bride or the groom, you're like 90 pounds of pure murder, so you kill a whole bunch of humans and free the women, but one might be dead. Also, the groom dies if you're the bride. You're arrested and then a Grey Warden is like “this elf is great at murder, you say?” And he conscripts you to join the wardens.
If you pick a dwarven noble, which I saw once, your rude brother is murdered by your smart brother, who frames you for it, so you have to be cast out in the Deep Roads to die fighting darkspawn. But a Grey Warden comes by and recruits you.
If you play a dwarven outcast, who live in the slums of Orzammar, I don't even know. You do some dwarf crimes? Dwarves can't be mages.
ANYWAY, a warden named Duncan has recruited you to join the Grey Wardens. He takes you to Ostagar which is a semi-ruined fortress way to the south where King Cailan and Teyrn Loghain are waiting. King Cailan is like a Ken Doll with long hair. He seems to be a beautiful idiot whose father was a hero and, gosh, he'd love to do some hero stuff too. Teyrn Loghain is literally just Scar from The Lion King but less sexy. Loghain is his father-in-law. Also, Cailan and Queen Anora have zero kids.
There is literally a strategy meeting where Cailan says “It will be glorious” and Loghain says “Yes, Cailan. A glorious moment for us all.” So that's great to hear.
You're the warden recruit and you're paired with a couple of redshirts who are also warden recruits. You're paired up with Alistair, an awkward 20-year-old virgin jock whose heart is as big as his penis.
You do some minor quests and you fight darkspawn for the first time and they're awful. You get to cure a sick dog. Also, you meet Morrigan (a shapeshifting mage voiced by Claudia Black) and you even meet her mom, Flemeth, who's voiced by Kate Mulgrew and is clearly more powerful than she seems. Anyway, you head back and you go through the Joining. Duncan tells you that you have to drink a concoction that gives you the taint but in a safe-ish way, but half the people who drink it die. He tells you that you must “master your taint,” and I've seen this scene two-dozen times and never not snickered. Both redshirts die. But you're a warden now.
Now it's time for the Battle of Ostagar, which sure looks cool but, uh, doesn't go so well. The wardens are massacred. The king dies. Whoops, did Loghain forget to charge forward when he got the signal? He sure did. Half the army just opted out of the Battle of Ostagar, which is hard to sell as a strategic retreat because of his ominous dialogue earlier.
The Battle of Ostagar did feature some survivors who were with the King's army, but most were massacred. Or dragged underground by darkspawn.
During all of this, you're the one who braved a tower full of darkspawn and faced an ogre boss fight with Alistair and two new random guardsmen redshirts to light the signal that fucking Loghain ignored because he was too busy being prepared for the coup of the century and for the murkiest scam.
In the end, though, darkspawn burst in during a cutscene and just riddle you and Alistair and (gasp!) the redshirts with arrows. But then you wake up . . . in Flemeth's hut. You're totally healed. You're also naked. Life's like that sometimes. Anyway, Morrigan jokes that her mom transformed into a giant bird and plucked you and Alistair from the tower, which is probably a half-truth. Flemeth also healed you and Alistair. Flemeth is powerful enough that her magic can somehow keep darkspawn away from her house. I have no idea how she casts with Whoopi Goldberg spell but she's very powerful and clearly more than just a mage.
Flemeth sends Morrigan, who is a delightful goth who's still understandably bitter about having been homeschooled, along with you and Alistair. If you either chose the Human Noble Origin and got a dog that way or if you did the Cure The Dog stuff at Ostagar with one of the other origins, you find that this dog imprinted upon you and escaped the carnage. You can even name this dog. Remember the disaster mage friend from the Mage Origin? His name was Jowan. My Surana Warden names her dog Jowan.
Alistair is still sad about Duncan, who was his mentor or substitute father figure or whatever. Morrigan quotes the wise words of Gillian Anderson: I don't feel sorry for men. Anyway, you guys go to a village called Lothering and you see how news of the disaster at Ostagar is impacting people. There are refugees everywhere. The local lord abandoned his holding because it seems likely that the darkspawn horde will strike there next. People aren't sure that this is a proper Blight, because nobody's seen the archdemon, but Grey Wardens can sense it and you even see it in your dreams a couple of times. You do some quests in Lothering. You also find out that there's a bounty on surviving grey wardens, because they “betrayed the king,” according to Loghain. You're joined by a bisexual fwonch redhead named Leliana who is super into Fire Jesus but ALSO super good at murder because of her Mysterious Past. She believes that the Maker sent her a dream to tell her to help you. Sure, Jan. You can also recruit Sten, which is technically a rank because Qunari don't have names. He's in a cage. He also doesn't have horns because horns are too hard to render with helmets it's a rare trait to be naturally hornless and is akin to being a redhead in humans.
Leliana has been working for the chantry for a while but hints that her pre-chantry skills will help her kill folks. Sten wields a big ol' sword. Alistair discovers that the man who raised him before shipping him off to the chantry, Arl Eamon of Redcliffe, is sick and that knights have been sent to find the Fire Jesus version of the holy grail, which is just Andraste's ashes, for a miracle cure. As you leave, you rescue a couple of dwarves, one of whom is a savant at adding runes to weapons and the other of whom is a merchant. They'll follow you and show up at party camp from here on out.
You have Warden Treaties so you can go and remind factions that they're obligated to help you, but there's a smart order in which to do them. I'll just go with that.
First, you go to the Circle of Magi in Ferelden, which is on an island tower called Kinloch Hold. There are stat power-ups here that are more helpful in early game than later in the game. You want to secure the help of the mages, natch, but you get there and find out that, whoops, a Senior Enchanter named Uldred isn't as nice as his name makes him sound. So Uldred led a small rebellion against First Enchanter Irving and the other Senior Enchanters because of some deal that Loghain was making with Uldred. Long story short, whoops, a little bit of magic fights turned into a Demonstravaganza and the whole tower is a mess with abominations running all over. The templars are ready to use the Rite of Annulment which is when they kill every mage, including the children, but they need reinforcements to do so. You go in and you find Senior Enchanter Wynne, a Wine Grandma and skilled healer, protecting a bunch of apprentices and other survivors. She insists on going with you to cleanse the tower so you have to shuffle someone out of your party to accommodate her. You kill demons, a few renegade blood mages, abominations, possessed corpses. Then you get to a sloth demon who lulls you all to sleep so you do the Lost In Dreams thing but, if you're a mage, the Fade is your bread and butter. You do some simple puzzles and you get some permanent stat upgrades and you rescue your friends from some dreams. Alistair has a happy boring family life because he's just a golden-hearted jock. Wynne is like “oh no! All these apprentices are dead and it's my fault. Woe is me.” Morrigan's dream is just her not being fooled even a little bit and yelling at her spirit to at least do a better job if it expects to make her believe that she's at home with her mom. So you escape from the dream and the sloth demon's dead now and you keep on going. You kill some mind-controlled templars.
At the end, Uldred has a bunch of mages captured and he tortures them until they accept possession and become one of his fellow abominations. Uldred sees you and after some Villainous Dialogue he turns into a Pride Demon. You kill him until he dies and then First Enchanter Irving and the others are free and are like “yeah sure we'll help against the Blight but, um, first we need to clean up this mess.” There were some other survivors hiding in wardrobes and stuff so it's not like the Circle's all dead.
You leave and you'll notice on your map that Lothering has now been wiped out by darkspawn. Then you go to Redcliffe because not only is Alistair's other surrogate father figure sick, but he could be helpful in raising political support from the bannorn (lesser nobles; in Ferelden, it's the king, then the teyrns, then the arls, then the banns) against Loghain. And you guys are fugitives. Speaking of you guys being fugitives, there's a random encounter in the road where some lady's like “oh no! Help!” and it's a trap. And the leader of that trap is an assassin—a blond elven murdertwink named Zevran Arainai. You kill the fuck out of these would-be assassins but then there's a cutscene and Zevran's like “oh fuck you're scary; can I join you? I was literally bought by these assassins as a child and have never had any choice about this and also they'll kill me for failing, but you seem good at killing them, ALSO I'm bi and hella good at sex things.” Beyond his sluttiness he's basically Puss in Boots from Shrek. So yeah, you can recruit him.
Alistair will tell you that, whoops, it might come up, but while he knows Arl Eamon and views him as a father/bother figure, his actual dad was . . . King Cailan. The dead one. He is, in this and most other circumstances, just Smiley John Snow.
Then you're in Redcliffe and, whoops, the town is besieged by the undead each night. “But where are they coming from?” you ask. From Arl Eamon's castle. There are some quests you can do in town in the day to help everyone get ready. At night, everyone will be locked in the chantry while you fight off the undead outside. The fighting lasts a while but, I mean, they're just corpses with weapons so you kill them. Personally, I always kill Lloyd, the owner of the local tavern, because he's rude and he gropes his waitress Bella, who's very pretty and nice. You have to intimidate Lloyd into joining the fight, then make sure that he's caught in one of your area of effect spells. Anyway, you saved the day, but they all thank the Maker that they lived.
Then you sneak into Castle Redcliffe via a hidden passage through a windmill. Inside, the arl's son is possessed because it turns out that he was a secret mage and the arl's wife, ashamed of this, didn't want anyone—even her husband—to know. So she hired an apostate to tutor her son in magic. That apostate was Jowan. And, as Jowan tells you when you find him, Loghain, whom Jowan only knows as the war hero from years ago, learned of it and hired Jowan to poison the arl. The arl fell ill and the arl's young son, Connor, struck a deal with a powerful Desire Demon to keep his father from dying. That demon is now running amok.
From this point, you have a number of choices. You can, um, just kill this kid, if you want. You can have Jowan sacrifice the kid's mom to use blood magic to send you into the Fade to face this demon. Or you can ask the Circle mages, who owe you a favor, to help send you into the Fade. (Technically, if you're not a mage, you control a mage like Morrigan to do the Fade bit). So, the Circle sends you into the Fade. If you're playing as anyone but yourself, you kill the Desire Demon. If you play as yourself, you can also strike a deal. She can teach you blood magic, which unlocks the blood magic school for all mages in all future playthroughs. You can even save, make that deal, and then reload and choose a different boon. Anyway, her deal is that you don't kill her and she'll fake her death, making it seem that you've cured Connor's possession. And that she'll then come back one day.
But even after you save Redcliffe, the arl's still sick. And everyone seems really sure that the ashes of Fire Jesus are going to help, even though that sounds extremely fake.
If you haven't done so already, this is a great time to get Shale.
You buy a control rod off of a random merchant, which sends you to Honnleath, a lovely little town that's been overrun by darkspawn who are busy murdering the inhabitants. In the center of the town square is a “statue” posing like that guy saying “ART” in The Iron Giant. You kill some darkspawn and then you find where the survivors are huddled behind a magical barrier in the workshop of a dead mage. The survivors are glad that you're there, but this little girl has gone deeper into the Magical Experimentation Basement and everyone who tries to go after her has been killed by magical defenses that didn't seem to notice the girl. You get to the end and fight a Desire Demon named Kitty who's possessed the girl. You tell the guy that his daughter's dead and he gives you the activation code for the golem while you leave him alone in his grief. You still saved everyone else. Anyway, you awaken Shale, who is absolutely wonderful and I cannot emphasize that enough.
Shale hates pigeons because everyone would if they've been stuck in statue form for 30 years. Shale refers to everyone as “it” and “the its.” Shale is big and strong and made of murder and, as you later find out, was once a dwarven woman who was sacrificed to give life to a golem. In fact, she volunteered.
Okay, so after some side quests, you head to a quiet little horror movie village called Haven where nothing is fine.
Technically, there's some intrigue and shenanigans beforehand with some people trying to kill you that tips you off that Haven is a sub-optimal vacation destination, but once you're there, that becomes much clearer. You hear a child's horrifying nursery rhyme that sounds an awful lot like it's about luring a traveler to his death. You go into a house and there's blood on an altar and Morrigan says that it's human blood, and she would know. You go into an inn and make some purchases from the innkeeper, which is good, because as soon as you try to sneak a look into the back room, where there happens to be a Redcliffe Knight who's been tortured and murdered, the guy attacks you, which closes the store. Once you leave the inn, the cultists all drop their act and you kill them a whole bunch. Then you go up to their version of a chantry, which isn't any worse than a regular chantry but it does feature some bad dudes whom you kill.
In a secret side room in that chantry, you find this huge nerd named Brother Genitivi who writes about his nerdy travels because he loves geography and anthropology and stuff. He's injured but he comes with you and helps you enter the Temple of Sacred Ashes where Andraste's remains are allegedly interred. Leaving him to study what it feels like to have frostbite in a ruin at the entrance, you go in, killing cultists and some other things, including ash wraiths. You even kill some young dragons, which are like wolf-sized, and some boy-dragons called drakes, which are more like the size of polar bears. There are lots of traps and there's lots of treasure, and eventually you talk this cult leader named Kolgrim into escorting you to the Temple.
See, Kolgrim worships “the risen Andraste,” which is just a high dragon that he's decided is Andraste 2.0. Haven apparently was once just the regular sort of Andrastian cult before Kolgrim's ancestor went through a dragon phase and everyone got on board or died. Well, Kolgrim wants you to mix the ashes with dragon's blood from Andraste II, but the Temple's guardian won't let him or his followers pass. This is the easier route, and he even persuades the dragon to let you guys pass through her valley.
You have to chat about your feelings with a dumb ghost (the guardian) before you enter the temple proper. If you have Oghren with you (he's a consummate dwarf in the worst ways; picture Yosemite Sam with an axe), he will comment that he can feel lyrium throughout the temple, and that maybe it accounts for why stuff here is so strange and magical. The Guardian may have been some sort of Spirit of Faith or even a Spirit of Compassion who assumed the role of a devoted person when he died, but that's just speculation. There are some magical trials that you have to pass, such as Fighting Yourself, Solving Riddles, and Getting Naked. All important tenets of Andrastianism, surely. At the end, you find an urn with a dead lady's ashes in it. Since pouring the dragon blood into the urn has some less fun consequences, you really want to avoid doing that and just take a pinch of the ashes. When you leave (and there's a great XP bonus bug here, at least on PC, that you can exploit from here on out to level up quickly if you need to), Kolgrim is unhappy and tries to kill you, so you finish killing the cultists.
You can kill 2 Andraste 2 Furious here if you like, but it's probably better to do so later. High Dragons are a lot.
Oh, Brother Genitivi is totally excited to tell the whole world about this find. If Morrigan is with you, she will point out the obvious—that the chantry is likely to try to use this to leverage even further influence and power over the land. Genitivi cannot be convinced to stay silent, but you can murder him, which I have done every time.
You head back to Redcliffe and it turns out that what Morrigan calls “digging up the bones of a madwoman” was somehow the right call, as it does enable a healer to restore Arl Eamon to health. He's like “sure I'd love to help you against Loghain but you need to finish your treaty stuff.” Oh and he names you Champions of Redcliffe, which would be cool for a normal person but most people forget when they're listing the Warden's eventual titles.
Leliana has a personal quest to kill Marjolaine, her former lover who trained her in murdersinging (sorry, the bardic arts). You do that.
Morrigan has a quest for you to kill her mom, because she's discovered that Flemeth lives forever by possessing her “daughters” and Morrigan would like to keep her body, thanks. Flemeth knows why you're there but decides that she's going to make you work for it, even though she says that she'd be interested in seeing what Morrigan will do with her freedom. Then Flemeth turns into a dragon and you have to fight and kill this dragon without Morrigan's presence. All things considered, this if Flemeth going easy on you.
Your romance should be progressing pretty well at this point, and you may have even banged one companion and moved on to another at this point. If she likes you, Morrigan will give you a willpower ring that will let her find you if you're in danger. Leliana will probably have done something nice but I've never done that romance. Zevran gives you an earring that he took off of some hot guy he murdered as an assassin. Alistair gives you a rose and also his virginity.
Okay, so now you go to Orzammar, the dwarven city. It's one of TWO surviving dwarven kingdoms. There used to be, like, 12, or a similar archetypal number, but the darkspawn ate got rid of them. Orzammar was the only officially known one, but there's another called Kal Sharok that we've never seen in game except in text form. Kal Sharok has some serious goth vibes to it. Also, they hate Orzammar because Orzammar survived by cutting themselves off before it was too late back when the darkspawn first starting ruining things for everyone.
Anyway, Orzammar. There's political strife there because the old king is dead. There's currently a political battle between the late king's son, Bhelen, and the late king's trusted adviser and friend, Lord Harrowmont. Harrowmont is a traditionalist, but Bhelen is a populist who also murdered his own brother and framed his other sibling, leading to that sibling getting sentenced to death. The fandom has a bunch of opinions on this.
When you first enter Orzammar, you see a scuffle between loyalists of these factions, and some Bhelen Bros do some killing. Not a great first impression. Long, long story short, you have to Stop All Crimes in Orzammar and also fight as a gladiator on Harrowmont's behalf to give him a boost to try to make him king. Which is great, but Bhelen pulls some nonsense, so the dwarven Assembly that chooses the next king is deadlocked so they need a Paragon—dwarves revere ancestors and The Stone but they also revere their equivalent of Nobel Prize Winners even if they're shitty people. So Harrowmont says that he'll give you all of the help that you like . . . when he's king. But he can only be king if you find the Paragon to break the Assembly's tie.
Oghren, who is just drunken dwarven Yosemite Sam but he's voiced by Zeb so it could be worse, is married to Paragon Branka, who's been missing in the Deep Roads for years. So he insists on coming along with you.
I should note that no one should bring Shale too far into the Deep Roads (ancient darkspawn-infested highways, but don't worry, there are also giant spiders) because certain choices may lead to Shale fighting you. Also, in Orzammar itself, there's a dwarf who wants to open a chantry in Orzammar, a place untouched by Andraste-worship, and I consider it an oversight that the devs did not give players the option to tip him into some lava. There are some other people who ask you for favors.
Two of the best rings in the game are in Orzammar. One is the Key to the City and you get it by nerding out with codex entries. The other is Lifegiver and it just really, really helps your health in a way that no ring has since then. You can also visit Dust Town, where outcast dwarves live. You have to, in fact. It's even worse than regular dwarf places.
Speaking of worse than dwarf places, the Deep Roads. You go there and they're horrible carverns full of monsters. Darkspawn, giant spiders, and these things called deepstalkers that are shaped like little dinosaurs but are really just horrible worms with limbs. But while the Circle Tower was filled with stat boosts that make you more powerful, the Deep Roads make you rich, bitch.
You go through a number of thaigs, which are smaller dwarven settlements that they refer to as “like colonies.” But of course they're full of monsters. Also some ghosts? But dwarf ghosts. Ultimately, you find out how darkspawn are made, and it's awful. Every darkspawn that you see was born from a human or elf or dwarf or even qunari with a uterus who was dragged underground and turned into a big ol' Body Horror Ursula that can spawn thousands of darkspawn in her lifetime. So you kill the one that you meet.
Then you find Paragon Branka. It turns out that she's an evil lesbian who left Oghren behind but took her actual lover, but ended up sacrificing the people with her so that the women would be made into broodmothers because, despite being a genius, she was unable to get past Paragon Caridin's traps that protect The Anvil of the Void, which is used for the lost art of creating golems, the ultimate anti-darkspawn weapons. She wants to use it to reclaim territory long since lost to darkspawn. You fight your way through the traps because it's kind of a puzzle but mostly just a murder-puzzle, and then you reach the Anvil. At this point, you meet Caridin himself, who is a giant steel golem and he's like “hey so I invented this a long time ago, but you have to murder a dwarf to make one, and after we plum ran out of volunteers, the king at the time started sending prisoners and his political enemies and I got weirded out so he had me made into one but, whoops, he didn't make a control rod for me.”
This is why you don't bring Shale: Shale will help Caridin, and personally, I always side with Branka even though she's a nightmare, because recovering the lost art of making golems seems worth it. It's not like there's any shortage of bad people in the world and the Warden slaughters hundreds of people anyway; this is just a more practical use for those lives.
Once Caridin is dead (when you get back to camp, you pick the lie option with Shale), Branka's like “hell yeah” and makes you a crown for whichever king you like. She gives zero fucks about politics. You come back, turn in a bunch of quests, and Bhelen and his Bros make a fuss so you kill them real good. Harrowmont is crowned and you're honored forever. Harrowmont makes it clear that he knows where his bread is buttered, and he pledges the dwarven support against the Blight. So now the mages and the dwarves are ready to help.
You head to Warden's Keep, which is where you learn some neat old history and make some choices. Personally, I befriend an ancient blood mage warden named Avernus who's amazing at summoning demons but not so great at controlling them. He helps you and you get a potion from him that gives you some DLC powers but mostly I just like him.
This is probably a good time to swing by Denerim and visit The Pearl, their best brothel. For some quests (long story) but also to meet Isabela, an important character and also one who knows Zevran very well. They are two peas in a pod and she's a delight and you can have a threesome with her and Zevran. Or her and Leliana. Or her and Alistair if Alistair has been hardened. Anyway, it's great, and Dragon Age 2 will remember that if you import this save.
There's some Denerim stuff to do but mostly it involves fighting Rundown Backstreet Boys, and you head to the Brecilian Forest to find a clan of Dalish elves. They're nomadic, and they're led by Tuvok from Voyager who was also the principal on iCarly. He's kind of grumpy but he's 300 years old, which is very unusual for elves who live human life spans. But since they say that elves were once all immortal, they figure that he's just, like, reclaiming his roots better than most. Somehow. Anyway, he's the Keeper of that clan so he's both mage and leader. Turns out that these elves are fighting some Big Sexy Werewolves. Eventually, Principal Tuvok gets you to promise to kill Witherfang, the boss wolf. There's a whole lot of nonsense in the forest including an entire set of Haunted Evil Armor that you can earn but it's not that great tbh. Wynne's old student is hiding in the woods also. You learn about the elves and the Creators, their small pantheon of gods whom they worship but they believe that they were sealed away by the Dread Wolf, their trickster figure who's regarded as a sort of devil but still honored. Oh, the Dalish have tattoos. It's worth noting that this is not the same clan as the Dalish Warden's, if that's your origin.
Also, there's a guy and girl trying to find love, and you can play matchmaker. You can also bang one or the other. You can bang one and play matchmaker. Video games are great.
So, you go into an old ruin where the werewolves are like “yeah okay we'll take you to our leader.” Yeah, they talk. Swiftrunner does most of the werewolf talking because he's the sexiest.
A naked planet lady spirit with POWERFUL Tilda Swinton energies about her is Witherfang, but they call her The Lady Of The Forest. She reveals that Principal Tuvok cursed some humans centuries ago by binding the spirit of the forest with blood magic and linking that spirit to a curse. So he turned a local spirit that was mostly just chill and, like, “hey look, trees” into a naked plant Tilda Swinton who is basically the horcrux to the werewolf curse. At the same time, Principal Tuvok (whose real name is Zathrian, btw) is also a horcrux to the curse, which is why he's lived so long. You fight him but you force him to lift the curse in the end. These werewolves, descendants of the bad humans from 300 years ago, are turned back into wildly less sexy humans. Tilda dies (really she just returns to her former state, maybe in a lesser form). Tuvok dies. The elves are chill about it though since their own people who were infected with the werewolf curse are cured.
So now the Mages, the Dwarves, and the Dalish Elves have pledged their support. But you need the human majority to form an effective army against the looming darkspawn threat, who by this point have razed like half of Ferelden. Oh, you can stop by Ostagar for some Closure and some cool gear too. It's snowier now.
Now it's time for the Landsmeet in Denerim. You go to the Arl of Denerim's estate where you learn that Queen Anora, Loghain's daughter and Cailan's widow, is being held captive by Arl Tim Curry so that she can't oppose her father's plans. Tim Curry has been doing Loghain's dirty work because he's a fucking monster, and Loghain's been giving a stupid number of titles to him.
Anyway, Anora's maid offers you some guard uniforms so that you can sneak in to see Anora, but, fun fact: you can't call the guards if there are no guards.
By this point you're an absolute nightmare to fight. My Warden uses blood magic to immobilize and damage entire rooms, then roasts the immobilized victims. It's a delight. The entrance to the torture chambers is in Tim Curry's bedroom, so that tells you a lot. You find a guy name Riordan who is a fellow warden from Jader (in Orlais, fantasy france). He's naked and not up for helping yet so you keep on killing some folks. You resolve a couple of quests while here, then you kill Tim Curry. It's what she deserves.
You rescue Anora, but then Ser Cauthrien, Loghain's warrior lady, comes with a small goddamn army to arrest you. You can apparently surrender but literally why would anyone ever surrender? Ser Cauthrien is a goddamn nightmare to fight; they should have just sent her against the archdemon she could fucking solo it. Anyway, her escorts die in fire and blood super fast, but she takes a while longer, but I always have two healers for this so you take her down in the end. Then you meet Anora back at Arl Eamon's.
Two things happen there. One, Anora tells you that her dad is doing some fucked up scheme stuff in the alienage, which is the elven ghetto. Two, you guys need to think about how you want the Landsmeet to go. For most players, the Best Ending is going to involve marrying a hardened Alistair to Anora. She's super competent, he's both nice and of royal lineage. A perfect combo.
Now you go the alienage, where there's a “plague.” That plague is in fact just a cover for some slavers from Tevinter to bring in new elven stock. They are paying Loghain a tremendous amount of gold to fund his civil war (not everyone was chill with him usurping the throne, natch) in exchange for who knows how many slaves. The elves figure that something is wrong but it's under the guise of a “quarantine” and they're elves, so it's not like they have rights.
But might makes right, so you show these “healers” your permit (it's murder) and then you kill your way through and free the slaves who were just about to be shipped off. That cuts off Loghain's flow of gold and also it's a thing that you COULD bring up at the Landsmeet, but the human nobles won't so don't.
Okay, so it's the Landsmeet. This can go down a few ways, but the best thing is to mention selective things after having curried favor with the right nobles during your Denerim shenanigans. Denerim is just the capitol city, if I didn't mention it. So one noble will be like “yeah Loghain had my brother tortured” and while Loghain will blame things on Tim Curry, it doesn't look great for him. Anora also puts him on blast.
At this point, it becomes clear that Loghain is paranoid that this is all an Evil Orlesian Plot because like 30 years ago Orlais had invaded and were shitty to Ferelden. Well, Orlais is under new management and Loghain is just a dick.
The Landsmeet votes, and Loghain wants to duel. If you're marrying Alistair and Anora to each other, you should do the duel. Only if you're planning to marry Anora (as a male Cousland) should you let Alistair duel Loghain, as Anora is fine with deposing Loghain but a little squeamish about marrying the dude who cuts off her dad's head.
Just as you're about to behead Loghain, Riordan comes in and is like “oh we have the stuff to do the Joining, we could make him a warden??” And the game let's you say no but doesn't let you yell obscenities at Riordan for even saying something so stupid to you. Because Loghain was a hero once but he's, um, the worst.
Like, Zevran tried to kill me, but only once, and that was before he knew me. I have limits on how many times you can try to kill me, and all of Loghain's attempts were after meeting and speaking with me. Avada Kedavra, bitch. (Keeping Loghain alive has various consequences and I don't want to get into it)
So after Loghain's beheaded, everyone makes haste to prep to fight the darkspawn, which involves rallying the bannorn at Redcliffe. You fight some darkspawn there, but it's not the main horde.
In the mean time, Riordan is like “oh by the way, Warden and also Alistair, whichever one of us kills the archdemon will also die, that's the only way to keep it from respawning.” So fuck. But then you go back to your room, and Morrigan is there because she's WONDERFUL. Anyway, she did know this all along, but she knows a magic sex ritual referred to in the fandom as the Dark Ritual. If a Grey Warden knocks her up that very night in this ritual, she'll conceive what the fandom calls an Old God Baby. Basically, the zygote will bear the taint (even though wardens can't usually reproduce at all), and when the archdemon is slain, she can draw the no-longer-tainted soul of the tainted old god into her womb and create a healthy, non-tainted child with the soul of an Old God. “Some things are worth preserving.” I agree but also I'd never turn down Morrigan, so I do it because I make good choices.
If you're a lady warden, you have to talk Alistair into it, which is just delightful. He and Morrigan don't get along but he takes one for the team.
So, after this, everyone marches for Denerim, where the darkspawn horde has headed. Denerim's seen better days. It's on fire. The archdemon is there, and it looks like a fucked up dragon with, like, some kind of spiky cancer? It's not good. It breathes purple fire which is honestly goals, though. Riordan manages to damage the dragon's wing during the battle, but then he dies. Alas.
But his sacrifice makes the archdemon need to land on the top of this huge-ass fortress, so you just have to murder every darkspawn in the city and the every darkspawn in the fortress until you get on the roof, where you fight the archdemon.
Your recruited allies are fighting along with the human army, of course. You can call for help on the rooftop. Personally, I call the mages because they're my boys. Anyway, you do eventually kill the archdemon. You can choose in advance who should do the killing blow, and if you didn't do Morrigan's ritual, that person dies. Yes, you can order Alistair to die.
Then there's a celebration. You can ask for a boon from King Alistair (I always ask for the teynir of Gwaren, which was Loghain's but he's dead now). Sten is going back to Qunari lands and Shale is planning to adventure with Wynne.
DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS: AWAKENING
Gonna keep this one extra brief. Like, six months after you ended the Fifth Blight in like a year, where most last decade at least, some new talking darkspawn show up in Amaranthine, the former arling of Tim Curry, which Alistair has granted to the Wardens. You head over to take over and the castle is under attack, which is honestly kind of funny because you killed an archdemon six months ago and you haven't gotten LESS powerful since then. Awesome Lady Who Will Die helps you fight, and you encounter Anders, an apostate mage who's a talented healer, and Oghren, who for some reason couldn't just live his dwarf life and had to show up in this fucking expansion, who's decided to become a Grey Warden.
So you kill darkspawn and you encounter one of these talking darkspawn which is unsettling, because that's not normal for these things. Once the castle is purged, Anders and Oghren take the Joining and so does Awesome lady Who Will Die, but she doesn't make it.
Oh, remember Arl Howe (Tim Curry?). Well, he had a son named Nathaniel who is real good at archery and sneaking, and he tried to break into the castle to kill you before you even arrived. He's under the impression that his dad was killed for, like, political reasons, and not because his dad was a fucking monster.
In a creepy forest, you meet Grey Delisle As An Angry Elf Mage and recruit her because she's trying to find her sister. You meet the Architect, a weird darkspawn spell-caster whose design is unique and who seems like a huge nerd. You even get the impression that he means well. But he does not join you, for sure.
In a haunted fucking swamp called THE BLACKMARSH there was this awesome Orlesian baroness who lived there but was Bathorying it up to stay young, and she cursed the whole place, but to be clear it was already called THE BLACKMARSH, fuck. This is the place where you find out what a BLIGHT WEREWOLF is and I cannot emphasize enough how absolutely unacceptable that is to me. You fix all of that stuff but it's still THE BLACKMARSH. Here, you met a spirit named Justice (it's literally an embodiment of Justice) that eventually possesses the corpse of a fallen Grey Warden.
By this point, it's clear that there are two factions of intelligent, “Awakened” darkspawn. One works for something called The Mother, the others work for The Architect.
You go into the Deep Roads (ahhhh) to an abandoned thaig that was used for making certain types of special golems back in the day, but is now full of darkspawn of course. You meet a member of the Legion of the Dead, a group of dwarves who hold a funeral service when they join because they exist only to fight darkspawn. Her fellows were slaughtered and she ran and feels weird about it but you let her join you and she becomes a Grey Warden, too.
During all of this, you're making political decisions and sitting in judgment and shutting down a rebellion by local nobles and doing some city quests in Amaranthine proper. (Amaranthine is on the northern coast, by the way)
Well, The Mother's forces attack the city and it's awful but you kill them. You go to fight her, and you can let the Architect help you. I can kill him but . . . eh. Oh, by the way, he can fly.
The Mother is a broodmother who was once human. The Architect “awoke” decades ago and was like “hmmm, why are other darkspawn so fucking dumb?” And he discovered that he could make them drink Grey Warden blood and it would give them awareness and, like, personhood. But when he tried it on a broodmother, who was not born a darkspawn but made that way, she was full of agony because she could no longer “hear the song.” So she's just being awful and lashing out.
(lots of things, from certain mind-control magic to lyrium to the call of the old gods, is referred to that way)
It is revealed during the final fight against The Mother that the Architect accidentally caused the Fifth Blight when he tried to safely awaken that Old God without tainting it but accidentally tainted it in the process. Shucks.
You kill The Mother and the day is saved. Again.
DRAGON AGE II
Remember the (doomed) town of Lothering that you visited in Dragon Age: Origins? Well, there was a buff af person named Something Hawke there who had younger siblings (twins) named Bethany and Carver. Bethany is a mage, Carver hits stuff with a sword, Hawke can be male or female and any class. No matter which Hawke you choose, they're a ridiculous disaster.
(Mine is a male mage)
The Hawke family's mages (your dead dad, Bethany, and anyone with a mage Hawke) are all apostates. Bethany and Hawke have never seen the inside of a Circle, and they've all hidden in plain sight in Lothering for all of their lives.
Carver is a buff warrior guy but he has a huge and arguably well-deserved inferiority complex from being Hawke's baby brother and, let's face it, from not being a mage in a family that has mages.
Bethany is absolutely darling and extremely easy to get along with. Just, like, be nice and don't oppress anyone.
The game stars with all three siblings and their mom (Leandra) fleeing from the Blight back in 9:30 Dragon. Darkspawn are on their heels. You fight mostly hurlocks, but then you run across a Big Strong Ginger Woman named Aveline and her husband, who is a templar but he's too Dying of the Blight (contamination caused by darkspawn blood) to care that Bethany and perhaps Hawke are mages.
Unfortunately, you guys eventually fight an ogre, and darkspawn got a redesign after Origins, so ogres are no longer quite as sexy as they once were. Anyway, if you are a warrior or a rogue, the ogre murders Carver. If you play a mage, as I do, Bethany gets murdered before your eyes, which is why I waited a year before playing DA2.
You also have to euthanize Aveline's dying husband because otherwise he'll either die super slowly or, more likely, become a ghoul which is just a tainted person who feels compelled to serve the darkspawn. It's gross.
Then even more darkspawn attack, but then a big ol' dragon flies in and roasts them and then shapeshifts and it's . . . Flemeth! She's no longer dressed like a poor old lady but like someone's slutty battle-grandma and it's amazing. Flemeth talks to you for a bit and then makes a deal with Hawke—you take this little necklace that's Totally Normal to Keeper Marethari of a Dalish elf clan that's near Kirkwall, since you guys are headed to Gwaren to catch a refugee ship to Kirkwall (a city-state in the Free Marches, which is north of Ferelden across the Amaranthine). In exchange, she'll escort you across Ferelden, incinerating any darkspawn that give you trouble. That's one hell of a deal.
You arrive at Kirkwall, which still has huge statues of slaves in anguish everywhere. The city was once the center of the Tevinter Imperium's slave trade, and it is full of yikes. The city's Circle is on an island fortress called The Gallows where slaves were broken, so the mages are, uh, not living their best lives. Like, there's no such thing as a good internment camp, but this is probably the worst one. It's gonna come up a lot.
So, you're a refugee, and there are plenty of people in Kirkwall who are like “Ferelden isn't sending their best. They're sending crime. They're sending drugs. They're rapists” etc so the gates are shut. But your mom's whole reason for coming here is because she's from Kirkwall, and she's like wait I have a brother who lives here and his name is Gamlen. Well, Gamlen is no longer a noble even though their whole family was. He is in fact a a gambler, which has to be where his name originates, right? So he lost the Amell Estate (her maiden name was Amell, the same surname as a human mage Warden) and he lives in a little hovel in part of Kirkwall that's called Lowtown. So basically, you make a deal to work as either a smuggler or mercenary for one year to get into Kirkwall and to get a Fantasy Green Card. Oh, and you're working off some of Gamlen's debts in the first place. Nice uncle.
Fast-forward one year, and it's the beginning of Act I. You're done working off your debt, but you're like “wait . . . I need a job, fuck.” You, your sibling, your mom, and your mabari hound (not a companion character this time, but an NPC whom you can summon into battle as a battle pet) are all living in Gamlen's little hovel. However, a smooth-talking dwarf character named Varric Tethras, recognizable for lacking a beard but having chest hair instead, has a proposition for you. He and his shifty, President Business brother are going on a Deep Roads expedition, and by now, Hawke has worked up a reputation for himself while Carver has impressed fewer people. Classic Carver. So he says that if you become an investor, you can come along and split the reward. Oh, Varric has a Super Advanced Crossbow straight out of, like, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.
If you've played The Witcher, Varric is just the gem fusion of Zoltan and Dandelion. He's a dwarf who talks too much. But he's also good at business. He's a surface dwarf. Very likable.
Well, you set about trying to make money. One thing that you also need is to contact a rumored Grey Warden in town. By this point, the Blight has been over for months and the legend of the Hero of Ferelden has spread to the local NPCs. You go into Darktown, old mining tunnels and sewers beneath the city where the homeless live, where a rumored Grey Warden apostate mage has set up a clinic to heal the needy. It's Anders, from Awakening!! He's a little—a lot—more serious, now. He still loves cats. Also, remember the spirit of Justice? He lives inside of Anders now, but it's voluntary.
You also recruit a pirate named Isabela. She's my favorite companion in DA2 because she's a treasure. Her ship crashed in Kirkwall a while back . . . around the same time that the Qunari shipwrecked and Kirkwall just gave them a walled off part of the city by the docks to live. Hmmm.
Aveline now works for the city guard, making her ideal for Kirkwall/Brooklyn Nine-Nine comparisons, and she'll help you with her sword and shield. She's great.
You also end up going to visit the Dalish to fulfill your end of the bargain. You recruit Merrill, from the Dalish Elf Origin Warden. She's the Keeper's First (apprentice) but Keeper Marethari is sending her away because she keeps trying to restore what the elves have lost, and Marethari doesn't trust Merrill to not fuck it up and doom them all. Which is unfair, because Merrill is WONDERFUL.
Merrill helps you fulfill your deal with Flemeth so she takes the necklace up to this cursed as fuck mountain and Flemeth pops out of the necklace. It was a horcrux. Remember when you “killed” Flemeth in Origins? Surprise bitch. Anyway, Flemeth has some vague things to say to both Hawke and Merrill and then she just jumps off the mountain and turns into a dragon to fly back to Ferelden to do whatever it is that terrifying dragon-witches do for fun.
Merrill, by the way, is a blood mage. Which is to say that she uses blood to improve the power of her spells and to perform some spells that an ordinary mage cannot do. Good for her.
You also recruit Twink Wolverine. He's a brown-skinned elf with platinum blond hair and lyrium tattoos all over his body which gives him special powers and he lost his memory as this special magical metal was implanted in him but now he can kill people by ripping out their hearts.
You get a quest from a handsome blue-eyed fellow named Sebastian, but he is arguably the least fun person that anyone has ever met in their lives. He'll join your party in Act 2. He was noble-born and he used to be a huge Party Slut but now he's dedicated to the chantry but not entirely a part of it he just really likes Grand Cleric Elthina but he's torn because his family back in Starkhaven (another city-state in the Marches) has been murdered so he's like Do I Love Fire Jesus More Or My Responsibilities???
You reclaim the deed to the Amell Estate, which by the way was never Gamlen's to sell he's just a little shit. Your home was bought by slavers because it's connected to an extensive wine cellar that they could use to smuggle captive slaves out. How nice. Anyway, that'll be great once you have money again.
Eventually, you amass enough gold to buy in to the Deep Roads Expedition. You get to choose which characters come with you, which is great, except that your choices are actually pretty limited. First of all, Varric is coming along, so there's your rogue. Anders is a Grey Warden, so it only makes sense for him to come along, and he'll be very important later. Finally, your sibling. If Carver stays behind while you spend weeks underground, he'll join the templars. Ostensibly to protect you from within, but really because his life is directionless and he's, bless him, stupid. Worse, if Bethany stays behind, she will be captured by templars and brought to The Gallows. The game does not dance around how absolutely appallingly awful the lives of the mages are there. Better for her to risk her life in the Monster Tunnels than get carted off to Sexual Assault Island. If you bring a sibling to the Deep Roads, you absolutely must bring Anders.
On top of those very practical reasons for taking a Varric-Anders-Carver squad, Merrill is used to living in the woods and Isabela gets claustrophobic and Aveline has a real job. Fenris could come, sure, but you'd have to leave someone behind and that sucks.
So, you explore for a while, and Varric's brother, President Business, is grumpy about everything. After a lot of exploring, you guys find a room with a curious red idol. President Business takes it and locks an old, rock-solid dwarven door to trap you guys in so that he can reap the profits. His name is Bartrand by the way and anyway he sucks. So you guys have to find your way out, which means a lot of fighting and nonsense. You do find some Big Treasure so that's cool, but not as cool as living, so you need to make it to the surface.
Unfortunately, Carver starts to get sick towards the end. The darkspawn taint. Not wanting him to die, Anders will guide you to some Grey Wardens and you persuade them to take him and give him the Joining before it's too late. But Carver leaves your party. By the way, DA2 is actually evil because when someone leaves your party, they just take all of the equipment that you were wearing, so you'll want to save often and, when the time is right, just strip Carver of his weapons and equipment.
So you return to the surface without your twin but you, um, hope he lives. But you're rich, bitch. President Business has fled, presumably with his riches. And you now have lots of money and move into the Amell Estate, which is now the Hawke Estate. Your mom is happy-ish. Honestly, the game was rushed, but I wish that the interior of the estate had been less symbolic because it's only like three rooms. You go into similar buildings elsewhere in Hightown and they're huge and nice and have courtyard gardens. Anyway, that's all fixed in Dragon Age Inquisition. And in our imaginations.
Act 2 begins, and you can get Sebastian to join you. He does Archery for Fire Jesus. The big issue this time around is the Qunari. They're still here. It's been three got dam years and they're still just loitering in that one part of the docks. Fuck. Also, the Viscount's son Seamus is almost certainly getting fucked by one and the Viscount is just like “look it's fine that he likes Big Horned Bois but it looks bad because the Qunari aren't Andrastian.” This bitch Sister Petrice also keeps trying to rope you into doing “good stuff” but surprise, it's bad stuff. Anti-Qunari sentiments are riding high. Seamus dies. Petrice dies. There are other shenanigans.
In Act 2 you can finally romance people. After three years. The timing of things in this game is odd and also Fenris is extremely difficult to romance for no good reason. He, by the way, is still on the run from his former owner, a Magister who gave him his tatoos. Again, Fenris is literally just Twink Wolverine on the run from Weapon X. Fenris, Isabela, Anders, and Merrill are all bi romances. You can choose whomever, but feel free to headcanon a beautiful poly thing going on with all of them. Sebastian, by the way, is a chaste romance for a female Hawke who sides with templars. Mind you, this isn't an ace romance, this is explicitly an “I'd love to bang you, I would, but Andraste doesn't want me to be happy” arrangement.
The biggest event is that a magical serial killer (for whom you've searched before) kills your mom. His name is Quentin and he cuts off her head and sows it onto a Frankenbody and is like “ah, yes, finally I've made my perfect wife” and so you have to kill him and then your frankenmom has a few moments of agonizing awareness as she dies in your lap. Fuck this.
By the way, Gamlen visits sometimes but he doesn't even live in the estate with you. Lol.
There's some other stuff. Hawke cleans the streets (murders thugs) on behalf of the Friends of Red Jenny, a mysterious organization for whom The Warden also once did a favor. Hawke explores the Wounded Coast, earns a stake in a mine called THE BONE PIT by killing the problems that arise there, and enters the Fade to help a young Dreamer mage. Those are mages who are just super good at Fade stuff. You help some mages with freedom stuff. There are also some Tal Vashoth (ex Qunari) hanging out beyond the city but some of them are up to no good because they've never been allowed to make choices before and aren't making good ones.
You help Isabela recover something from a former acquaintance, and then she leaves you. But she's wonderful and can do whatever she likes.
At the end of this Act, you have the unenviable task of making a demand of the Arishok. Because these qunari who have washed up here, though they haven't explained why they're here, are there with the head of one entire branch of their government. The Arishok is the head of the Qunari military, though of course he's every bit the slave to the Qun itself as everyone else. When you insist that he turn over some criminals, he's like “you know what? I guess it's time to murder everyone” so the Qunari go on a Big Horned Boi rampage and kill lots of guards. In the end, Hawke and Aveline and the templars and mages fight their way to the Viscount's Keep, where the Arishok has taken the Viscount's head. They're planning to forcibly convert the entire city-state but, if you think about it, they didn't have the numbers to hold that forever. It seems like the Arishok, who like all Qunari believes that existence is the only real choice, was committing suicide because he'd failed on his real mission: to retrieve the Tome of Koslun. Since the rules prevented him from returning empty-handed but he was losing his damn mind in Kirkwall, he waited for an excuse and went for it.
Isabela comes back and gives him her secret prize—the Tome of Koslun, which she had stolen to begin with and that's what she had when she and her Qunari pursuers were shipwrecked during a thunderstorm. She lost it and the Arishok didn't have it so they were both in limbo. Anyway, now Isabela's like “here's your fucking sacred book leave please, look at me I'm responsible!!” and Hawke's heart fills with joy but the Arishok is like “cool also we're taking Isabela we're gonna, you know, torture her until she dies or joins the Qun probably” so he and Hawke (if Hawke has earned his respect, which he has) will duel and it is TERRIFYING but you win eventually. You get declared Champion of Kirkwall just as Knight-Commander Meredith of the templars comes in. She's like a combat Jessica Lange if that makes sense. You can basically see the Kill Bill sirens going off in her head as she sees you getting celebrated by the nobles. She's the head of the worst group of templars in all of Thedas, so she's about what you'd expect. She's less openly sinister than some of her subordinates, because she seems like a true believer. More of a Mike Pence than a Ted Cruz, if that makes sense.
Act 3 technically has a lot of content (you see Carver again, now a Grey Warden—you also saw him during the Qunari thing—and you see Nathaniel Howe, also a Grey Warden) but it feels like it goes by faster than the previous two. This one is all about Mages VS Templars. Obviously, people are welcome to RP any kind of characters they like. Maybe one who would oppress innocent people for political capitol or whatever. But this isn't a “gray morality” situation. Literally one group is imprisoned for being born because they are, as people, potentially dangerous. The other group isn't a law enforcement group, they are literally just internment camp guards, with a side of a-youth-pastor-who-is-also-a-cop.
There are a couple of big DLCs, however. One is Mark of the Assassin, where Felicia Day thoroughly explores the Uncanny Valley as Tallis, an elf who serves the Qun. She wants you to join her on a HEIST. And Hawke is like “sure! Fuck rich people!” but Hawke is a rich people. Anyway, you go to Chateau Haine to a big ol' party by a fancy Orlesian noble, but this chataeu is in the Vinmark Mountains so it's still in the Free Marches. You're genuinely a guest. You seduce the host's son so that Fantasy Felicia Day can get some keys or something. There's a wyvern hunt. You fight some little gremlin things called ghasts that come up so little that you wonder if they're canon or just something that Hawke hallucinated. But in Inquisition, Blackwall mentions them in a bit of party banter, but you only hear that if you voluntarily take Blackwall to many places, so . . . I sure didn't hear the line. I just know that it exists. It turns out that Tallis lied to you, and this Heart of the Many thing isn't a gem, it's a list of Qunari sleeper agents throughout Thedas and your host is planning to auction it.
Now, fuck the Qunari, I'm fine with that, but she says that some of them are just retired. And technically, Iron Bull would be one of them, so whatever it's fine I guess. You fight some Tal Vashoth but also kill your host.
The other DLC is more Plot Important, because you and Carver are both being targeted by mercenaries who want to kidnap you because, like the Red Cross, they need your blood. Unlike the Red Cross, they're probably not a shady organization that can't seem to account for the donations that they receive. They're just straightforward kidnappers.
Anyway, some Bad Dwarves hired them to kidnap you, and these dwarves have lost their got dam minds and also have been drinking darkspawn blood to deliberately taint themselves because they've been hearing the call of some entity. You end up helping an old Grey Warden named Larius or something like that. See, Malcolm Hawke, your dead dad, was once kidnapped by Grey Wardens and forced to reinforce some old blood magic seals on a magical prison. No Grey Warden could do it. So he did and they let him leave. Now, these bad guys need your blood to break these seals. To solve this, you enter the prison level by level, discovering in the process that the reimagined darkspawn known as genlocks in DA2 are less like squat little hurlocks and are now more like magic-resistant gorillas. Yikes. Anyway, there's another Grey Warden faction in play but it doesn't matter. You reach the end and there's a unique-looking darkspawn who, in his dreams, had been trying to draw you to him. He was imprisoned during, like, the First Blight by Wardens in this special magical prison. His name is Corypheus, and he says that he was one of the Magisters Sidereal who entered the Fade in the flesh and found the Golden City empty, and felt tricked and betrayed by the Old Gods. He had been High Priest o Dumat. Now he's just super confused. He does get his wits about him and fight you, and it's one hell of a fight, but then you kill him. Then you see Larius walking away with a sinister smile for the camera. So, you know, that's fine.
Back in Kirkwall, the mages-vs-templars thing is even more intense because Meredith is the worst. Did I mention that Cullen, from Ferelden, is part of Meredith's group of templars? He's super anti-mage at this point because of what happened in Ferelden and he actually says “mages are not people like you and me” to Hawke. First of all, awful. Second of all, hilarious when speaking to a male Hawke. Anders has been doing Underground Railroad stuff which is more and more popular as the treatment of mages gets worse and worse.
Oh, and there's a haunted house where President Business was for a while. Varric has his brother, driven mad by the red lyrium idol, sent to a sanitarium, but it's clearly dangerous stuff and left a house feeling haunted.
Long, long story short, Meredith tightens her fist even further (all mages are confined to their rooms at all times, basically, and more and more are made Tranquil every day, it seems). But First Enchanter Orsino feels that he has no choice but to go along with it because otherwise she'll just kill him and maybe everyone else. Well, this is when Anders blows up the chantry with Grand Cleric Elthina, who's just sort of letting all of this play out instead of taking action, inside. Anders' goal is to force the mages to fight off their oppressors instead of going quietly to either die or to continue to live like this. Anders then offers to let Hawke kill him. You totally can, but my Hawke is always like “lol know I just wish you'd told me so that I'd know that I was helping you, but I get it.” Sebastian wigs out and vows revenge but literally who cares.
Meredith declares the Rite of Annulment, which is when you kill every mage in a Circle, including the children. Anders is not and never has been part of the Kirkwall Circle but that's hardly the point. You all go fight to defend the mages. There's a stupid thing where Orsino turns into a boss fight because EA felt that they needed another boss battle, but that's dumb. Anyway, you fight off Meredith and then you learn that she purchased that red lyrium idol from President Business and had it fused to the hilt of her sword. Templars use regular lyrium to fuel their anti-magic powers, but red lyrium clearly has different effects.
Meredith is the final boss fight, and her sword makes her tough to fight. It also lets her animate some nearby statues. Sure. She turns into a red lyrium statue at the end. Yikes. You guys can leave on Isabela's ship.
Varric has told all of this to his interrogator, Cassandra Pentaghast, a Seeker who answers directly to the Divine. Cassandra meets up with Leliana, who also works for the Divine, perhaps partially out of wlw solidarity. They're looking for the Champion of Kirkwall (Hawke), but just like the Hero of Ferelden, he seems to be missing.
DRAGON AGE: ASUNDER
A novel. In it, Wynne's son who is a mage and spirit healer like his mom (from whom he was separated as an infant because the templars are the worst) is in the White Spire, the #1 Circle of Magi situated in Val Royeaux, the capitol of Orlais. Unfortunately, there have been mysterious murders said to be carried out by some sort of Ghost Twink. Turns out, it's a boy named Cole and he's not invisible, he just makes people forget him. But Rhys, Wynne's son, remembers him. Everything is stricter now because of what happened in Kirkwall. So, a brief summary:
-Cole the Ghost Twink is a spirit who took the form of an abused boy mage who died because templars literally forgot that they'd locked him up in his cell. The spirit didn't know how to help him so it just became him. It's been killing people who want to die, which is a huge bummer.
-the Divine secretly ordered a Tranquil to investigate whether or not Tranquility could be cured. It can be
-Grand Enchanter Fiona, Wynne, and Shale help start the Mage Rebellion, which spreads all across Thedas and includes the knowledge that Tranquility can be cured. Shale personally smashes the phylacteries that templars would be able to use to track down mages when they leave.
-the Templar Order and the Seekers leave the chantry because they feel that the Divine is too soft on mages
-a nice templar (relatively) named Evangeline falls in love with Rhys. She gets killed but Wynne, who held a Spirit of Faith in her ever since the Bad Events in the Ferelden Circle during the Blight, transfers that Spirit of Faith into her to save her. Wynne dies but Evangeline lives.
-the current Lord Seeker is planning to crush the mage rebellion. Cole kills him. It's what he deserves.
DRAGON AGE: THE MASKED EMPIRE
A novel. Empress Celine is Orlais' ruling lesbian and she encourages art and scholarly pursuits and enlightenment. She, too, dreams of expansion—like any responsible ruler—but she wants to do it with diplomacy and alliances and the economy instead of just smash-stabbing. Briala is her elven spy chief and also her lover since they were both young. Her bodyguard is Ser Michel de Chalons, a skilled swordsman obsessed with honor and harboring a “terrible” secret. Her rival is her cousin, Grand Duke Gaspard, and he wants to Make Orlais Great Again by conquering Ferelden and Nevarra and beyond.
Michel's “terrible” secret is that he's, gasp, of elven lineage. Biologically, half-elves are just humans. This is meaningless but Orlesian culture is ridiculous and humans are even more ridiculous.
Briala's mentor for many years has been a mage named Felassan who is himself a spy and, despite his tattoos that would indicate that he is Dalish, really doesn't seem to be Dalish at all.
Well, Gaspard outs Celine's relationship with Briala, which causes a scandal. He then ambushes her and her forces while she's vulnerable, but does not succeed in taking her. Eventually, Briala, Celene, Gaspard, Felassan, and a couple of others are separated from their armies and go on an adventure through an eluvian, an ancient elven mirror. Gaspard is honorable but, like, having a code doesn't make you a good person, dude, it just makes you lawful evil. However, Briala and Celene have a falling out, Michel betrays Celene because of his own dumb honor code, and a Dalish clan gets wiped out by a demon named Imshael who insists upon being called a “Choice Spirit” instead of a Desire Demon. There's some really cool magic and lore stuff in this book and I strongly recommend it.
Anyway, Celene makes it to safety, but without her bodyguard or her lover/spymaster. Briala gets control of the Eluvian network (well, part of it) and plans to use it to instantly move groups of elves from place to place to make things better for her people. (Celene has gone out of her way to be pro-elf, by the way, largely from Briala's influence)
Felassan tells Briala goodbye and goes and sleeps and enters the Fade. An unidentified entity approaches him and asks if he got the access to the eluvians. He replies that he did not, by choice. The unidentified entity kills him instantly.
So there's an Orlesian Civil War going on and the elves are capitalizing on it (or trying to) during the Mage Rebellion and also there are some Other Shenanigans.
PS: at one point Imshael possessed a Dalish mage named Mithris. She appears in Inquisition, like many of these characters. But not Felassan because he's dead.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
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