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lost-your-memory · 7 years

Note

Hey girl, long time no see. Friendly neighbourhood NASCAR here with another prompt based in these Hozier lyrics. When my time comes around Lay me gently in the cold dark earth No grave can hold my body down I'll crawl home to her So like Kara is presumed dead and there's a service and everything, then Kara turns up at 3 am at her door saying hi, before collapsing in her arms. Angsttttt please

Hi anon!Long time no see, indeed! I’m here with your prompt and fair warning, it’s packed up with angst but it has a happy ending. It’s also over 12k words so it’s long. Inspired by @beyondambivalent gifset that you can find here xAll thanks to @cat-danvers for the beta-reading and thoughtfull advices ♥

“Mom! Mom wake up! Wake up, mom!”

Cat’s eyes snapped open as she felt her body being shaken awake, rather abruptly. She was exhausted, the few hours of sleep she had managed to snatch weighing heavy upon her eyelashes and already urging her to close them again, to go back to sleep.

“Mom! Mom, please, wake up.”

The voice sounded distant, like an echo far away in the room but she recognized it instantly and it provoked a surge of adrenaline that kickstarted her system as she finally heard the panicked edge it held. She jolted up to sit in her bed, running a hand over her face to chase the fatigue away and then, she finally focused on her son. Her heart squeezed, missed a beat and then dropped when she took in the tears running down his cheeks, the terror swirling in his baby blue eyes and the way he was practically panting, his chest heaving up and down too quickly as he struggled just to breathe.

“Carter? Sweetheart, hey, I’m here, what’s wrong? I’m awake, I’m awake, take a deep breath and tell me. What is it?” She asked, trying to sound soft and inviting and not to show the fear he was rapidly awaking in her guts.

“Mom, it’s Kara! She’s, she’s … Mom, you need to see this! Come on! Mom.” He was tugging at her wrist and she quickly pushed the blanket away, to be able to leave the bed and to follow her son. Her heart was racing in her chest and her mind was whirling and spinning, going in every direction but she couldn’t seem to focus on anything.

The penthouse was almost pitch black but as they came close to the living room, she noticed the glowing and flashing halo the television was casting upon the furnitures. The sound was on, very low but she heard sirens and shouts, screams too. Carter dragged her in front of the huge flat screen and then he slid his fingers to hold her hand, tight. She squeezed it gently, out of habit but mostly because he was frightening her but then, she caught a glimpse of a blue and red blur on the screen and her attention sharpened.

The scene unfolding before her, filmed by one of CatCo’s most talented cameraman and commented by the usual night anchor, wasn’t typically new but still quite impressive. National City got used to see Supergirl fight some kind of alien threat and save the day but Cat immediately sensed it; something was off.

Grabbing the remote with her free hand, she turned the volume up and listened as the anchor tried to explain what was happening in the middle of National City.

“For the last two hours, Supergirl has been struggling to arrest the unidentified alien responsible for all the bombings around the city those past two weeks. The fight first began when Supergirl landed near the alien as he was apparently targeting the CatCo building and she managed to relocate the confrontation a few roads away but ever since, she’s been in a complicated position.”

Cat felt a chill go down her spine as she stared at the live footages of Supergirl trying to come closer to her opponent.

The alien didn’t look that impressive, almost human even, if not for the greyish color of his skin and the glowing green of his eyes. He was slightly taller than an average man but the cruel smirk on his lips truly was the most disturbing fact about his overall appearance.

“We don’t know the details but judging by the fact Supergirl can’t quite approach him, the most plausible theory is that he is wearing some kind of device that is forcing the hero to keep her distance.”

The anchor’s words took a few seconds to penetrate Cat’s mind and she suddenly understood what was happening on the screen, why Kara was standing so far away from her enemy and why she looked exhausted, weak even.

The hostile alien was carrying kryptonite with him.

In the background, Cat saw men in black move around to try to clear a path and evacuate all the civilians but they didn’t get too close to the hostile alien and she guessed Hank must have told them off. The camera suddenly jerked toward the left and it showed tanks and army trucks pull over on each side of the main street, a flow of soldiers bleeding out from them, ready to follow orders.

“The army is now on the site and it appears that General Lane is going to fight at Supergirl’s side.”

The camera was back on Supergirl and Cat barely felt any relief when she saw Lucy Lane pull Kara back a little, further away from the alien terrorist. Another woman suddenly appeared at the edge of the frame and walked towards the duo. Cat recognized Alex and she briefly wondered why the older Danvers wasn’t trying to keep her sister away from the fight, since Kryptonite seemed to be involved.

But the camera zoomed and even though the image became blurry, Cat could see the panic and the urgence in the women’s moves, the way Kara gestured and talked with her hands like she often did to argue. The side of her face looked strained with something sticky and as the image tried to focus, Cat realized it was blood.

“Mom, she’s bleeding.”

It’s when she heard Carter’s voice next to her that she realized she had forgotten about him, about their hands linked together as they watched the news. She managed to tear her eyes away from the flat screen to focus on him.

He looked so frightened, tears still spilling out from his deep blue eyes and soaking the collar of his Harry Potter pyjama as he tried to breathe. He was almost fifteen now, already a teenager but at this instant, in the heart of the night and under the dim light of the TV, he looked terribly younger.

“I know, sweetheart. I know.” She answered and she squeezed his hand a little harder because as much as she still wanted to protect him from the world and its tragedies, right now, she couldn’t lie to him. Not when they were both aware of what was happening.

She heard him gasp and she immediately focused back on the screen.

The camera was now focused on the hostile alien, who had just started glowing green. His skin showed cracks and creases glimmering with the exact shade of green that colored his eyes. The gleam was quickly growing and the cameraman suddenly moved to show Supergirl push the two other women away, a look of pure terror twisting her usually poised features.

The image jumped back to the alien and his smug smirk and Cat suddenly realized he wasn’t wearing any device or anti-supergirl tool.

He was made kryptonite.

He had it in his body and if the way he was suddenly standing in the middle of the place, arms outstretched and head tipped backward, the green radiations dangerously becoming blinding, he was about to blow himself up.

She gasped and clutched Carter’s hand a little tighter, her eyes never leaving the screen.

Then, everything happened at once.

The image was a blur as Supergirl flung herself at the hostile alien, securing him in a tight grip before and taking off to the sky.

Cat let out another gasp and brought her free hand over her mouth, terrorized as she watched the two bodies disappear into darkness above the city.

Suddenly, the anchor stopped talking altogether and there was no siren, no scream and not a single sound echoed as everyone seemed to wait for something to happen. The main camera was searching the sky while another one was showing the faces of Lucy and Alex. They were too far away and the quality wasn’t good but Cat knew Alex was trying to reach out to Supergirl through her earpiece, while Lucy waited next to her.

Nothing happened for a long while and the seconds bleeded into a full minute, then two, then three …

The explosion, high up above the clouds, casted a blinding and bright green light over the whole city and the sound that came seconds later was deafening and strong enough to cause the earth to shake, breaking windows and light bulbs, setting off car alarms and popping up a few fire hydrants.

The camera searched the sky frantically now, joined by all the broadcasting cameras around National City.

Next to her, Carter had stopped breathing and Cat was holding her breath as well, mentally praying for the familiar blur of red and blue to come down.

The kryptonite dust slowly disappeared and the sky regained its original color, pitch black with some sparkle of grey when the clouds flew too close to the lights of National City.

The sirens were still silent, the anchor had yet to resume its reporting and not even the low purr of a car engine could be heard in the background. It felt like the whole city was holding its breath, waiting for its most beloved hero to come down, so the public could finally let go of the fear to break down into a well deserved round of applause and loud cheers.

Except this time, the minutes bleeded into hours and nothing ever fell from the sky.

—

Carter was curled up on the couch, having cried himself up to sleep, despite Cat’s best attempts to comfort him, but if she was being honest, she was glad he had finally passed out. She had tried to stay strong for him, because she knew he needed someone to ground him and to try to reassure him, even if he was too clever to believe anything she had tried to come up with to explain what they saw.

Now pacing the floor between the couch and the TV, she tried to call Alex again. She was so sure it would go straight to voicemail, like the first thirty times she had tried, that she almost dropped her phone when Alex picked up.

“Cat, I’m sorry I couldn’t call you before, things are … hectic,” Alex said and Cat noticed she sounded breathless, panting even. There was a lot of noise in the background, shouts and ruffling, loud footsteps echoing through a close space.

“Alex. What’s happening, where is Kara? She doesn’t answer my call, I figured maybe she was injured … The explosion … It was kryptonite, is she alright?” Cat asked, pacing even more frantically, squeezing her phone so tight she thought it might break, waiting for answers.

“Cat. Take a deep breath. Sit down.” Alex ordered and Cat frowned, recoiling under the command. However, she did as she was told because as much as she hated being ordered around, she trusted Alex.

She sat down at the far end of her couch, next to her son’s feet and she glanced at him to make sure he was still asleep. His face was still red and puffy, tears strain clearly visible in the dim light the TV casted on his worried and distressed features. Her heart ached for him and more than anything in the world, she wanted Alex to bring her good news so she could tell Carter that everything would be alright and mean it.

“Alex, please. I need to know that she’s alright.” Cat whispered, swallowing hard against the lump of anxiety caught in her throat. On the screen in front of her, a camera was still searching through the sky above National City and the anchor was now back to himself, reporting the news with a grave face and a very serious voice.

“Cat …” Alex sighed and there was a short pause before she started speaking again. “We don’t know where she is.”

Cat felt her heart drop in her chest and stop for a few seconds. She closed her eyes and forced herself to take a deep breath, then another one and she worked her way through the rising panic that threatened to wash over her.

“Everyone at the DEO is looking for her and I even called Clark for help but he blew off his powers a few days ago, during the big fight against the Dominators that menaced to invade Earth … Kara had to go there to help …” Alex explained and Cat cut her off.

“Yes, yes, I remember. What does it mean you don’t know where she is? She has a geo-locating device in her suit and you updated it just last month, can’t you use it?” She asked, trying to summon her Cat Grant CEO persona to deal with the fear twisting her stomach and the panic growing ever so quickly in her chest.

“It’s the first thing I tried but the device must have been affected by Kryptonite because it’s not working. The last known coordinates are in National City, just above the block where she was fighting the enhanced Valeronian.” Alex answered, her voice a little sharp but steady.

“Enhanced Valeronian? You mean … He was … part of Cadmus?” Cat swallowed, standing up to start pacing the floor again, unable to stay put.

“Yes, we believe so. They must have injected him with Kryptonite somehow, like they did with Metallo but this time, they knew better. The alien had full control over the radioactive material and he chose to blow himself up when he realized he was cornered … I … I told her not to …” Alex trailed off and Cat heard the weaver in her voice.

“Alex. You need to find her. I … Please, please find her.” Cat almost collapsed to the floor as she realized what the change in Alex’s voice could mean.

The size of the explosion had been impressive but what scared Cat beyond imagination was that it had been a bomb made of Kryptonite.

“I’m trying. Lucy is deploying all her army resources to help us find her but … Cat, you need to …” Alex tried to warn her but Cat shook her head no, even though the older Danvers couldn’t see it.

“Don’t. I don’t want to hear it. Find her.” Cat ordered sharply, the sheer force of her denial audible in her tone.

“We will. I’ll call you back in the morning, hopefully with an update.” Alex replied and she hung up without another word.

Cat stood in the middle of her living room, in the glowing halo of the TV screen, clutching her phone between her fingers as she desperately tried not to cry.

—

Morning came and there was still no word about Supergirl’s whereabouts.

Carter asked to stay home and Cat couldn’t deny him.

She managed to get him to agree to a shower and she sighed in relief when she saw him walk towards the bathroom.

She made breakfast, trying very hard not to think of the many mornings when she had found Kara singing and dancing around the kitchen, using a wooden spoon or spatula as a mic and making Carter laugh with her silly faces and moves.

They have been together for a little over two years now but somehow, it felt unreal.

Cat was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the day Kara would wake up and realize she was wasting her time with a woman twice her age, all sharp edges and blunt wit, unused to be loved and not sure how to love in return.

Yet, every day Kara was there by her side, her usual bubbly self and she made it seem so easy, to love and to be loved, Cat grew addicted to the feeling. She was a junkie for Kara’s presence, for her smile and her sparkling blue eyes, for the random rambles and the science nerding, for the soft touches and the comfortable silences, for the constant support and even for the arguments they had, whenever Cat would let her insecurities take over or when Supergirl would act a little too careless during a fight. She loved the way Kara would roll over in the night to make contact with her skin, the way her whole face lit up when she was told there would be potstickers, she admired Kara and Carter’s beautiful relationship, how the hero was always very careful of his feelings and she was grateful for being allowed to see Kara grow and blossom in her life, both as a woman and as a superhero, even if it meant countless sleepless nights filled with worries and anxiety, until Kara would flow back through the windows with a smile on her face.

She was still hoping for that kind of return, despite the voice in her head whispering it wasn’t going to be that easy this time.

“I’m not hungry.” Carter said as he stood in the kitchen’s entrance, a frown between his anxious blue eyes and a scowl on his lips as he watched her put a few pancakes on a plate.

“I know. I’m not either but we have to eat something.” Cat replied and she brought two plates to the living room, putting them down on the coffee table. Carter followed and if he was surprised to be allowed to eat here, he didn’t say anything. She went back to the kitchen to bring back two glasses of fresh orange juice and she then joined him on the sofa.

He grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. The images were the same as last night, on repeat as the anchor said they didn’t have any new informations about Supergirl’s disappearance. After a while, Carter muted the sound and reluctantly picked at his food, managing to eat a full pancake before pushing the plate away.

“Thank you. I know it’s hard but we need to take care of ourselves too.” Cat softly said and Carter turned his head to look at her.

“Okay, mom. Then you need to finish your pancake too.” He pointed at her plate and she sighed, knowing he was right. He was trying to be strong, she could tell, and the least she could do was to make the same effort.

She felt her stomach protest at the food she was forcing down on it but she finally ate the whole pancake. She downed her orange juice before taking a deep breath.

“Alright. I’m going to work from home today and you can do whatever you want as long as you promise to eat lunch and dinner, I will fix us something or … order something for tonight if you prefer?” She asked him, standing up to gather their plates to bring them into the kitchen, leaving everything in the sink.

“I don’t know. Maybe, we can wait until Kara comes home and we’ll figure out for tonight?” Carter replied, sounding so hopeful it broke Cat’s heart.

“Sweetheart I … I don’t know if she will be back by then. They have yet to find her and she might be in a bad shape …” She forced herself to answer, looking right into his eyes while doing so. She saw the gleam of hope waver and reduce but it was still there when he nodded.

“Alright. I’m going to go read in my bedroom. Can you … call me, if there is any news?” She almost sobbed at the insecurity in his voice, the way he asked so cautiously making it clear that he was struggling to keep on hoping.

“Of course, Sweetheart,” She answered, not even trying to smile because she knew she couldn’t.

He nodded and then wandered off towards his bedroom.

As soon as she heard the door close, she retrieved her phone from the kitchen counter and dialed Alex, crossing the penthouse to go lock herself in her home office.

“Cat.” Alex’s exhaustion was tangible in her voice, low and slow.

“Alex, is there … Do you have any … news?” Cat asked, trying to sound sure and sharp but failing miserably as panic rose again in her chest.

“None.” Alex sighed but she didn’t give Cat the time to speak. “Lena Luthor reached out to put all her resources at our services and we are now a little over 500 people to search for her but so far nothing. Hank is out, flying in circles around the city and we are extending the range. Winn created a fancy algorithm to calculate the force of the explosion, taking in account a whole bunch of factors to determine the probability for how far Kara had been projected but … Either he made some mistakes and it didn’t work or …” Alex trailed off, a loud sigh escaping her lips as she was obviously trying to pull herself together.

“It has to work.” Cat whispered, her mind blocking any other possible outcome. “What does Superman say? I know he blew up his powers but surely, he can reach out to … friends, who can help?”

She heard the sound of heavy footsteps on Alex’s side, some muffled voices shouting orders.

“He contacted Batman, who’s now working with Winn to modify the algorithm, and we tried to contact our friends on Earth-1 but they’re busy with a creature that can time-travel, they can’t help us.” Alex answered before snapping at someone. Cat couldn’t make out the words but she recognized the second voice as belonging to Lucy.

“Alex.” She called, trying to get the older Danvers attention. “Alex!”

“Yes, Cat? I’m busy you know, I’m trying to be there for you and to keep you updated but you need to let me do my job so I can find her and bring her home.” Alex replied, a sharp edge in her voice that softened towards the end of her sentence. Cat understood, more than anyone else, the urgency in the woman’s tone, the hint of despair that came with the feeling of helplessness. It was eating her alive as she tried to gather her courage.

“Alex. What are … “ She tried to swallow but it felt like shards of glass were being forced down her throat. “What are the odds?” She finally brought herself to ask.

The silence that followed was an answer in itself but when she heard the muffled sob Alex had been unable to hold back, she closed her eyes and shook her head, still trying to deny the evidence even as it started to sink in.

“Not good.” Alex finally managed to croak. “By every calculation, if we take in consideration the concentration of kryptonite in the enhanced Valeronian and despite Kara’s powers … The chances of survival are less than ten percent.”

This time, Cat fell to her knees on the rug of her office and started crying, silently.

“How long before … how long before you have to stop?” Cat heaved as she tried to contain her cries, hating herself for asking but needing an answer all the same.

“A week.”

Cat let out a loud sob.

“I’m going to try everything I can until the very last second but .. I …” Alex Danvers was one of the bravest people Cat knew and she knew a lot of people but in this moment, she sounded like a little girl on the verge of tears. Cat was aware that the agent was trying to keep it together despite the situation but she could still hear the trace of fatality in her voice, the not so distant echo of an impending loss that would ravage them both.

“I know you will. I … just, let me know, if …” Cat finally said, managing to sound almost normal if not for the slight panting in between her fragmented sentences.

“I will.” Alex replied solemnly, before hanging up.

Cat threw her phone across the room, towards one of her sofas. It landed on the cushions with a soft thud, before it bounced back and fell on the hard-wooden floor.

She heard the crack in the screen and that was what broke the dam.

She started crying uncontrollably.

—

Three days passed in an agonizingly slow blur and Cat was losing her mind.

She had snapped at pretty much everyone that worked in her building, fired two assistants and yelled at a member of the board and she had just received a call from Carter’s school that made everything worse.

Carter had gotten in a fight.

She knew he wasn’t dealing well with the situation, at all, but still, she hadn’t expected that kind of behavior from her son.

Carter used to be so shy and shell-locked, not socializing, not talking much either, content to be by himself but with the help of Kara, he had grown and gained in confidence. Now, he had friends and he even became somehow popular in highschool. He still had panic attacks when he was surrounded by strangers or facing an unknown or stressful situation but Kara had taught him how to deal with it.

She was lost in her thoughts in the backseat of the car, on her way to pick her son up, when Alex called. Her heart missed a few beats and she almost didn’t pick up, her mind going through every possibility for the older Danvers to contact her. Somehow, she could sense that it wasn’t the good kind of call and she was afraid of what she would learn.

Finally, she gathered her courage and pressed the green button.

“Alex.” She greeted stiffly, unable to ask anything and letting the other woman do the work.

“Actually, it’s Lucy.” The familiar voice of the General filled her with a dreadful feeling.

“Lesser Lane. Why are you calling me from Alex’s phone?” Cat asked, frowning as she checked the ID on her screen.

“Alex just passed out. She’s fine, she was just exhausted, severely dehydrated and she had neglected to eat for too long. She’s been working on finding Kara for the last four days non-stop. Her mother just arrived, she’s in good hands.” Lucy informed her, sounding incredibly tired as well. Everyone was.

“Eliza’s here?” Cat swallowed thickly. She was drowning in the turmoil of her feelings but she couldn’t even fathom what Eliza must be feeling. Cat was trying not to lose hope but while she was waiting for her lover to return, Eliza was waiting for a child.

“She’s just arrived yes, I called her yesterday because Alex snapped at me in the middle of the DEO, yelling that she didn’t need to rest or to eat, that she only wanted to work to find her sister. She’s stretched herself too thin, it was only a matter of time before she’d fall,” Lucy explained and she sighed, loudly. “I just wanted to let you know that if you need to call, you can call me now. Alex is hooked up to an IV and she won’t get up anytime soon. We’re ready to sedate her if needed, because we can’t … I can’t … we can’t lose them both.”

Cat’s breath hitched and she swallowed back a sob. She hated Lucy for having say that out loud but she also knew she needed to hear it. Lucy wasn’t taking gloves with her and she was right to do so. For all her hopes and prayers, Cat still didn’t want the truth to be sugar-coated.

“I’ll call you if anything change.” Lucy finally said, ending the call before Cat could say thank you.

There was no time to lose.

—

It was the last night of search.

Cat had tried to sway the president to have more time but Olivia refused. She was gentle and kind but still firm when she told Cat she would not allow the waste of a major part of the government resources on a search mission that would lead nowhere.

At some point, Cat had lost her temper and threatened her with some blackmail material that could possibly ruin Olivia’s campaign, should she choose to run again.

The president didn’t cave and they had hung up on each other, both aware of the new and irreparable crack in their friendship.

It was 2am and Cat was staring at the ceiling of her bedroom, sprawled on her back on the bed she had grown used to share with Kara for the past two years.

She had never realized how big and cold that bed was, until Kara came along.

She was haunted by the ghost feeling of Kara’s soft and warm skin pressed against hers, by the weight of an arm thrown around her waist and by the gentle tickle of sunkissed curls brushing her shoulder or the back of her neck.

She took a deep breath, inhaling the last remnants of her lover’s scent and it brought up a sob Cat didn’t even try to hold back. It smelled like earth and wind, like fresh morning dew and sweet cinnamon rolls and more than never, she wished it was all a dream.

It wasn’t and Kara was missing, had been for the past seven days.

Cat sobbed again and then pushed the covers away, leaving her bed to go open the bay windows leading to her balcony. She stepped out and let the darkness of the night envelope her. She went to sit down on one of the sunbath and looked up at the night sky, searching for the stars Kara had shown her a few times.

It was hot like a regular summer night in National City and no wind was blowing to relieve the skin from the sickening dampness that clung to it. It smelled like heavy dust and burned asphalt and from time to time, the strong salty scent of the ocean would waft up to the high buildings.

The sky was clear and pure, stars shining brightly, scattered across the whole celestial vault and the moon, not quite full but still looking round, was casting a strong halo over the world. For once, Cat regretted living in a building at the limit of a bustling city because the lights were drowning the natural night glow.

She sighed heavily and looked down at her phone. She was bringing it everywhere with her now, still hoping despite the deadline hanging over her head like the sword of Damoclès. The picture on her locked screen was one of Kara and Carter at the beach house, with the boy on Kara’s shoulders as the superhero was walking towards the camera, emerging from the ocean behind her.

The happy smiles and matching blue eyes were painful to look at, tonight.

She unlocked her phone and scrolled through her repertoire to a number she hadn’t called in years. She let her thumb hover above the name, unsure if it was the right thing to do at the moment but she was sleep deprived and barely holding it together and she had trouble to keep thinking rationally.

She would have already crumbled if it wasn’t for her son, who needed her more than ever.

Finally, she touched the screen and brought her phone to her ear, listening to the multiple rings before a familiar voice came through.

“Kitty.”

It was a nickname she loathed, especially coming from her but tonight, she found some solace in the way she frowned at the endearment term. It was something she knew, something straight out of her memories but concrete, real. Something certain, God knew she needed it.

“Lesser Lane. I’m surprised you picked up.” She said, her voice a little hoarse from all the crying she’d been doing lately, even though she had tried to keep it to a bare minimum.

“Frankly, you and me both. I was sound asleep, you see.” Lois answered but there was no hint of annoyance in her voice, just a slight slur betraying that she had indeed just woken up.

“At 2am on a Saturday morning, groundbreaking.” Cat sassed, needing the banter to distract her from the impending doom that would come with the raising sun. At noon today, the search for Kara would stop and there was nothing she could do. Nothing.

“I know, I’m getting old but I’m still better looking than you so you know, I haven’t lost everything yet.” Lois replied and her smirk was practically audible in her words but it was the wrong thing to say, because Cat broke down.

“Oh Kitty, I’m so sorry I didn’t think before speaking. You know it’s one of my many flaws, I just jump right in and I get myself in trouble …” Lois spoke softly, her voice clear but gentle as she kept talking. “I know you don’t care but I’m going to talk about me because let’s be honest, it’s the best topic of conversation ever.”

Cat snorted between her cries but she didn’t answer, clinging to her phone and focusing on this familiar voice she usually found annoying and not worthy of her time.

Tonight however, it was something she wanted, something she needed and she settled a little more comfortably on the sunbath to let her best rival talk.

—

Alex called her at five past noon to let her know that to the whole world, Supergirl was dead.

The older Danvers voice was mechanical and hollow when she explained that as far as they were concerned, the DEO, the Army, L-Corp and all the entities that had joined the search mission were done and that they were planning to release a statement to announce it.

Through her grief and the agony of her loss, Cat demanded to be the one to write the article about Supergirl’s death and to release the news with CatCo.

She lost it when Alex told her she also needed to write a statement to explain the sudden disappearance of Kara Danvers.

—

The article went down for publication on Monday morning and National City fell into a painful silence as everyone read the news. The anchors of CatCo released a statement listing the casualties of the last attacks on National City, starting with Supergirl and finishing off with the names of the civilians who died in the wake of the fight.

Kara Danvers was the last name, reported missing while following a lead for a mafia case she was working for CatCo Worldwide Media.

In the end, the newsman informed that the hero would have a military funeral on the next day, with her coffin being driven across the city before the actual private ceremony in National City’s cemetery.

The anchor called for everyone’s respect as he explained that the public wasn’t allowed past the gates of the sacred garden.

Cat threw her remote at the TV at the end of the broadcast, breaking the screen, and she fell to her knees, too exhausted to cry but hurting too much to keep standing.

Carter came behind her to hug her tight, crying against her shoulder as they both mourned the loss of their hero.

—

National City was strangely quiet this morning. Almost all of the streets were empty, the shops were closed and no car was troubling the tacit but somber peace.

The sky was heavy with dark grey clouds that floated around the skyscrapers and threatened to burst with rain at any moment. The rolling echo of the thunder would sometimes shake the ground but everything was otherwise silent.

Cat held onto Carter’s hand as they followed the black coffin along Main Street.

It was a beautiful casket, made of black polished wood and she had demanded the emblematic S to be carved in silver right above where Kara’s head would be, if they had an actual body to bury.

For now, it was covered with the american flag because the whole army was there to accompany National City’s most beloved hero to her last home. Ranks and ranks of soldiers in uniform and standing to attention were bordering the avenue as they slowly progressed toward the cemetery. The cavalry was here too, the horses walking in perfect synchronization, spread on three lines, ahead of the carriage supporting the coffin.

Lucy Lane, in full General outfit, was walking to her right and Lois was next to Carter, alone while Superman was hovering above their heads, silent tears rolling down his cheeks. Winn, James and Alex were walking on the same line, on Lucy’s side, flanked with Eliza Danvers, Hank Henshaw and Olivia Marsdin. They were followed by a whole crowd of allies, from Lena Luthor to the owner of the dive alien bar where Supergirl had been spotted a few times, aka M'gann M'orzz, a white martian who had somehow became a friend along the years. There was a whole group of firemen and policemen lost in the ranks of some of the most eminent people in the world, here to pay their respects to a hero who always had the utmost faith in Humanity. Aside from the sounds of heavy footsteps and occasional cries and sniffles, the low beats of the military drums was the only noise to be heard, sometimes troubled by the distant rolling of the thunder.

At the cemetery gates, the people stopped and only a few dozen of individuals were allowed inside, following the coffin that had been transferred from the carriage to the shoulders of military men. Winn, James and Hank had asked to be allowed to carry the empty casket of their friend but the president denied it, saying it would be too much of a hint leading to Supergirl’s real identity. Cat had wanted to scream but even Hank eventually agreed with Olivia.

Carter sniffed next to her and she pulled him closer to her, moving her hand to slide an arm across his shoulder, holding her son tight. She absentmindedly realized she was trying to comfort him as much as she needed his support to not fall apart.

They placed the casket on the rostrum that would go down below earth at the end of the ceremony.

Cat swallowed, feeling like this funeral was a joke and a tragedy at once. They weren’t burying Supergirl but her hopes to ever see the hero again. It was a symbolic gesture she would rather not be doing but for the whole city, for the whole world, for those she had to share Supergirl with, she would manage. If not for them, she would get to the end of the day for Carter because he had already lost the closest person to him after her and she would not let him drown in his grief alone.

The eulogy was simple but beautiful and she silently cried as she heard the testimonies of a handful of people praising Supergirl.

The president finally stepped in front of the coffin to speak.

“It is a sad day for the world and for National City especially, for we are gathered here to mourn our most beloved hero. The girl of Steel and the last daughter of Krypton, also known as Supergirl, was a force of good and a symbol of hope, saving people every day and protecting them from any kind of threat that would come its way. She was a survivor and yet, she was bright and full of faith and optimism. I don’t have the right words to express how deeply I am going to miss her so I will borrow the words of someone else. This is a poem written by Wystan Hugh Auden …”

As much as she wanted to, Cat wasn’t crying for the hero. She was crying for someone whom she had loved too deeply for her soul to fully take in what death meant. She was crying for Kara, the woman she had gotten used to have around, first as an assistant, then as a confident, as a friend, as a close friend and eventually, she had allowed them to become something far more precious than she had ever imagined they would be. A couple, a powerful one but a loving one, everything she had craved for years and never found in the embraces of the men she had chosen along the years. She was grieving for warm skin, a bumbling voice, a sunny smile and a love that could bend whole galaxies in whatever shapes she had wanted.

“Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum, bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.”

She was grieving Kara.

Not Kara Danvers, the perfect assistant and the rising star of journalism, the cool sister and the even cooler friend. Not Kara Zor-El, the last heir of a planet that had been reduced to less than dust, the haunted woman full of words no one could fully understand nor reproduce. Not Supergirl, the superhero that had saved the day more than once, risking her life each time to protect the people living on this planet she had chosen to call home.

No, she was mourning all of them and none at once, she was mourning someone the world didn’t know.

“The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood … For nothing now can ever come to any good.”

At the end of the service, they retrieved the flag.

It was another symbolic gesture that didn’t mean anything to her but she allowed it, for the sake of everyone else. She knew the power of symbols and she wouldn’t take them away from those who needed it.

They folded the flag with care and respect, following the sound of cannons and rifles going off.

She swallowed hard and almost broke down when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Hank was there, strong and tall and apparently stoic but his eyes were swirling with every emotion he wasn’t showing. It was sadness, hurt and despair and she buried her face in his shoulder, allowing herself to cry because she was nowhere as strong as he was and her whole body was aching with grief. She felt it right into her bones, digging even deeper to reach her soul and she clung to Carter’s hand, trying to ground herself somehow.

It didn’t last and she was able to recompose herself quickly, under the worried scrutiny of the Lane sisters.

Superman flew down next to his cousin’s empty casket and he landed softly on the grass, looking at the silver S on display. Cat watched as he traced the edge of the symbol with his fingers, whispering words in a language she had heard a few times when Kara would feel the need to remember Krypton. He looked broken, shoulders hunched, cheeks ravaged with tear stains and even his dark curls were flat on his head as he finished saying the prayers of his world.

A world that was gone, once more, for he was truly the last son of Krypton.

—

The day had dragged on and on and she couldn’t remember everything. All she knew is she and her son had been cared for all along. She remembered Lucy bringing her a cup of coffee, spiced with a few fingers of bourbon if the weird taste had been anything to go by. Lois had kept company to Carter, Clark joining her a little later after the service, in his plain, civilian clothes.

Alex even managed to give her a hug, a tight, desperate one and she had reveled into the embrace before letting go. Eliza had gone silent since the day they had declared Kara dead but she had grabbed Cat’s hand and squeezed it. Cat knew it had been meant as a gesture of comfort but she felt it like another dent in the coffin of her rotten hopes.

In the end, she found herself sitting on her couch, in her living room. Carter had passed out a few hours ago and Clark had carried him to his bed, gently, softly, with a reverence in his eyes that had made Cat want to scream again because at this exact moment, he had looked so much like Kara.

She watched the images flicker on the TV, a muted replay of the funerals.

Somehow, it didn’t really hurt to look at it from a camera angle. It was as if she was simply witnessing it from a CEO point of view, taking in the excellent quality, the elaborated rhythm and the expert transitions. It was almost soothing, to slip into her work persona for a few minutes.

“Cat?” Lois gently asked, sitting down next to her. Cat registered the dipping of the cushion, the new weight at her side but she didn’t turn her head, still mentally criticizing the work of her CatCo crew.

“Cat. Please, say something.” Lois whispered and she hesitantly reached out to take Cat’s hand.

Cat recoiled from the contact and moved her hand away. She wasn’t ready for everyone to soothe her, even though she was certain she couldn’t survive the night.

Not when she finally knew Kara wasn’t coming back. Ever.

The realization suddenly came to her, full force, and it took her breath away before she broke down into muffled sobs and silent cries, bringing a hand in front of her mouth in a gesture of terror for what the revelation unveiled.

Kara was gone.

—

Days bled into weeks and slowly, into months.

Summer went away and the bright colors of autumn took over, hurting Cat’s eyes every time the light would bask her office with the strands of gold that reminded her too much of Kara’s hair.

Carter’s grades dropped drastically and he was fighting all the time now. She finally resolved to bring him to therapy but she still refused external help for herself. She wasn’t ready to share her memories of Kara with anyone, especially not a professional stranger.

Winter came around and Carter asked to spend Christmas with his father. Cat couldn’t even blame him, she knew he wanted to avoid the penthouse and the happy memories of the previous Christmas they had spent with Kara.

She arranged for Carter’s father to come pick him up at the penthouse a few days before the 25th. Christopher had been nothing but compliant ever since Kara’s death and she was mad at him for the timing he chose to be a better father.

Carter came back for New Year’s Eve and they went to Alex’s to celebrate it.

Alex and Lucy had finally let go of all their doubts and fears and they had moved in together at the beginning of winter. Cat knew, first hand, that wasn’t easy but somehow they managed, despite the fact Alex was drinking too much and Lucy was getting lost in her work too often, taking unnecessary risks.

Everyone was here, even Lois and Clark and Cat couldn’t exactly avoid them this time. Lois chastised her for not answering her calls and Clark stayed silent but he rolled his eyes at some point and the annoyance in the gesture almost made Cat smile. Almost.

The new year started with a bunch of half-hearted happy new years and then everyone went home.

Winter left and spring brought its fair share of grey, rainy days.

Carter began to heal a little, not getting into as many fights and working on his grades. He was silent now, more shell-locked than he ever was but Cat assumed it was a step up from all the anger he had carried around since last summer.

The beginning of summer brought back the usual heat waves and the flowery dresses and as the anniversary of Supergirl’s death drawn upon everyone, Cat became even more impossible than she usually was. She snapped at her new assistant without any apparent reason but she couldn’t stand the girl’s daffodil yellow dress, it was too close to something Kara wore once, on that weird day when she had awkwardly tried to pass off The Flash as her cousin.

A memorial ceremony was given in honor of the fallen hero and the mayor unveiled a statue that was so realistic it gave Cat a hysteric attack. She had to be checked into a hospital but she walked out barely an hour after having been brought in. She hated hospitals.

Lois picked her up and brought her back to the penthouse, without a word.

Eventually, summer ended.

—

Cat had come to hate her bed and she usually tried to spend as little time as possible in it but tonight, she was exhausted.

She was tired of getting barely any sleep, of having to deal with people all day long and of living in a state of missing Kara. She couldn’t even deny that’s how she’s been since the funeral because it was the truth. She missed Kara.

Every minute of every hour of every day, she was acutely aware of the bottomless hole in her heart, where Kara’s love used to be.

Unable to sleep but too tired to fight her body, she was sitting in bed against the pillow, typing at her ipad and trying to get the japanese CatCo crisis sorted. A chief editor made a huge mistake on the cover of this month’s magazine and it provoked a diplomatic incident worse than the time she refused to shake Donald Trump’s hand when she met him at the white house a few months ago. Once upon a time, she would have been beyond furious about such incompetence coming from her employees but in all honesty, today she was just welcoming the distraction without temper or tantrum.

She was finishing off an email for the CatCo Japan head of HR when something literally crashed into her bay windows, landing in a rain of glass shards on the rug at the feet of the bed.

She screamed and jumped out of the bed to run towards the door leading to the hallway, wanting to grab Carter and to put him somewhere safe. She was about to step onto the broken glass to get to the door when she glanced at what had made such damages.

She stopped dead in her tracks, her heart missing a few beats as she took in the blue suit, the red cape and equally crimson boots, the sunkissed curls and the ocean deep blue eyes.

There were scars all over Kara’s face, marring her features with red and white as it glowed a little under the dim light of the bed stand lamp, and she began to bleed from her nose before she slumped over the floor, desperately trying to maintain contact with Cat’s eyes.

She drowned in those ocean blue eyes she thought she would never see again and she saw apologies, regrets, doubts, pain and love. So much of it, she almost choked on all the love she could see swirling in the baby blue irises that threatened to close any second now.

It felt as if suddenly, the world was right again.

Only to get even worse when Kara suddenly passed out on the rug, bleeding as she lay in a sea of a broken glass.

—

Alex’s team was there within twenty minutes after Cat called and they took Kara away, transferring her body onto a hand-barrow bed and ushering her up to the roof through the elevator. Cat and Carter got in the chopper with Alex and the medical team, Carter holding his mother’s hand so tight she could feel her fingers become numb from the lack of blood but she didn’t say anything, using the touch to ground herself while her eyes never left Kara’s form.

The suit was ripped open across Kara’s abs, revealing some ugly infected wounds, a sleeve was missing, exposing an arm that had been burned, and the skirt showed multiples holes, burn marks and scrapes. They put an oxygen mask on her mouth and nose but even with it, the barely healed cracks on Kara’s face were impressives.

She wasn’t healing.

—

Alex ran a battery of tests as fast as she could before saying they needed to operate to remove the traces of residual kryptonite lodged around her heart, the ones that caused the lack of healing.

Everyone immediately fell into action. Alex prepared the medical team, Hank went somewhere else to be an active Director and Cat started pacing the floor outside the medical bay. Carter was asleep in a makeshift bed Hank had brought for him and she was glad he wasn’t awake to watch her dig a hole in the concrete floor of the DEO.

Lucy came running half an hour later, panting but already asking too many question at once and Cat snapped at her, cutting her off before apologizing. She was feeling exhausted and yet she was too jittery, nervous, anxious even and the mix of those feelings rendered her unable to act properly. She tried to answer Lucy’s question but she kept trailing off and losing her train of thought because she had too many questions of her own.

“She’s gonna be fine. She made it back to you … She’s gonna be fine.” Lucy offered with a smile and the bags under her eyes made her look terribly old, under the unflattering neon light of the DEO.

“She was covered in scars and she started bleeding, Alex said she has some residual kryptonite in the tissues around her heart but she … she flew through my window, breaking it before landing near the bed and … Where had she been? How could she fly with kryptonite in her system? Why didn’t she try to reach out sooner?” Cat asked, frustration overlooking both the fear and the relief she was feeling at the idea of Kara being on the operation table.

She was caught between so many contradictory emotions it was a wonder she was still able to just function. She was over the moon that Kara was back but she was terrorized she was finally going to lose her for good. She was angry because of all the unanswered questions swirling in her head, spinning around like a litany she couldn’t get rid of and she was exhausted, she felt it right into her bones. Her very soul was heavy with fatigue and emotional abuse and her heart was beating too fast in her chest, so fast it physically hurt.

She was used to high pressure, to stress and to go on on little sleep but this, this was too much even for her. She wanted the world to stop for a while, to allow her to breathe and to rest before going all crazy on her again.

Lucy didn’t even try to answer any of the questions Cat had just asked. Instead, she sat down on one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs some agents brought when Hank ordered it.

She stayed there, quiet but awake, as Cat resumed her pacing.

—

Alex came out of the medical bay about three hours later, fatigue clear on her face as she staggered towards the little group of people gathered at the end of the hallway.

Winn and James had joined Cat, Lucy and Carter in the improvised waiting room and everyone looked up at Alex when they heard her footsteps.

The older Danvers immediately spoke, not letting anyone try to guess from what they could read on her features.

“She’s going to be alright. She fought, hard, she flatlined twice but we were able to remove all the remaining kryptonite from her body and blood. She’s in a coma now, too weak and vulnerable for us to do much now but we are going to put her under a sun powered lamp to heal the most important wounds. Then, I think it would be best to move her out under the actual sun, it’s more powerful than anything we were able to invent here to imitate its regenerating powers.” Alex explained, trying to be thorough as she elaborated on every details.

Cat stayed silent, her mind still reeling from the fact Kara’s heart had stopped. Twice.

“Is there any … indication, of what had happened to her?” Lucy softly asked, coming to stand next to her girlfriend to wrap an arm around her waist, silently inviting the older Danvers to lean on her.

“I don’t know exactly. I gathered that she must have been under the sun at least enough time for her powers to allow her to fly to National City but given the amount of Kryptonite we removed from her system, it’s truly incredible, bordering impossible. Her body is covered with scars and if most of them are healed, there are a whole bunch that need immediate treatment. Her lungs must have been crushed during the explosion, they are nowhere fully healed but it must have been enough to allow her to breath on her own … I didn’t have time to do a full, extensive check up so that’s all I know so far.” The older Danvers said, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to steady her thoughts.

Carter jumped down from the bed he had been sleeping in for the past few hours.

“Can we see her?” He asked and he sounded so small, so vulnerable and so unsure it made Cat’s heart hurt. She moved behind him to put her hands onto his shoulders and he didn’t try to escape the contact. He even leaned a little against her, seeking support and warmth, reassurance.

“Yes, but she’s hooked up to a lot of machines and she’s not responsive, for now. Follow me.” Alex answered with a very thin smile, before turning on her heels to lead them into the medical bay.

James, Winn and Lucy stayed back, giving Cat and Carter some time alone with Kara.

—

Four days later and after a huge argument between Cat, Alex, Lucy and Hank, they finally moved a still comatose Kara into Cat’s beach house, settling her up in a bedroom that had a huge bay window overlooking the ocean and a balcony more than wide enough to welcome Kara’s medical bed.

Time moved slowly, ever so slowly, from that day on.

Kara was constantly basking in the sunlight, from the moment the sun was up and until the night reclaimed the world but she wasn’t waking up.

Aside from the slow fading of the scars across Kara’s face and body, there was no sign of improvement and Cat found very little comfort in the fact it wasn’t getting worse either.

Alex and Eliza were staying in the house as well, Cat gave them the guest rooms just next to Kara’s. As for Carter, he refused to go to school and she reluctantly gave up on the idea of making him go anyway.

Lucy would stop by once or twice a day, sometimes with Winn and James and sometimes alone.

A week went by and more than ever, Cat felt herself drown in her overwhelming feelings.

—

Carter was reading a chapter of Harry Potter out loud to Kara, sat on a chair beside the medical bed on the balcony, when he heard a familiar voice.

“You need a haircut.”

He dropped the book and jumped to his feet, his heart racing frantically in his chest. He turned his head so fast he almost got whiplash but then, he found a pair of ocean deep blue eyes staring at him, soft and sweet and with just a hint of sheepish humor.

“Kara!” He breathed, still not believing it was real.

Reaching out a shaky hand, he gently grabbed Kara’s and when he felt warm fingers squeeze his, he finally bursted into tears, burying his face into the superhero’s shoulder as he let go of a year of grief, anger and emptiness.

“I got you buddy.” Kara whispered into his ear and he felt an arm squeeze his shoulders.

The sound of broken glass caught both their attention and they looked up to see Cat, standing in the opening of the bay window, a hand over her mouth, eyes filled with relief and surprise and a puddle of the shattered remaining of a vase, water and flowers at her feet.

“Mom! She’s awake!” Carter stated the obvious, the happiness in his voice echoing in the air of the soft autumn afternoon.

Cat stepped over the flower and broken glass to come stand on the other side of the bed, eyes roaming over Kara’s face but then she let out a small sob and smiled.

“It was about time.” She managed to croak, trying to sound annoyed but not able to hide her relief any longer.

Kara arched a brow, unimpressed, before smiling and oh, how she had missed that smile. It was the sun itself radiating in a simple gesture and she bent over to kiss her, needing to know it was real, that it wasn’t another dream, that she wouldn’t wake up alone and crying.

It tasted like honey and life and Cat sobbed against Kara’s lips, moving her hands to cradle her lover’s cheeks and keep her close.

“That’s still gross, you know.” Carter’s voice echoed near them and they broke off the kiss to laugh at the familiarity of it all.

As Cat sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping Kara’s hand into her own, she realized she would never take any of this for granted anymore.

—

Alex brought Kara back to the DEO to run some tests, to make sure she was out of the woods for good.

Cat went with them, after having dropped off Carter to school.

He fought against her when she told him he needed to get back but Kara had gently asked him to, promising she would come to pick him up and that’s all it took.

“So. What happened to you? Where were you, for the past twelve months or so?” Alex asked as she fussed over her alien sister to monitor her heartbeat. Her voice was clipped and blunt, Cat almost winced at the harsh tone but she could relate. Everyone needed answers.

“It’s … I don’t have everything pieced back together yet.” Kara started, her brow furrowed into a frown as she tried to focus. “The blast of the explosion was so powerful it catapulted me halfway across the globe and I’m barely exaggerating. I vaguely remember crashing into the water, the ocean surely because there was salt and it made my whole body burn … I think at this point, I was barely alive and definitely powerless.”

Cat moved to come sit by Kara’s bed, reached out to grab her hand and squeezing it, offering comfort as much as she anchored herself to the reality of the hero’s return. She still had trouble believing it was real and she often needed to touch Kara, to make sure it wasn’t a dream.

“I … don’t know exactly how but somehow, someone found me and pulled me out of the water, dragged me on a shore and after the salt, it was the sand that added to my suffering and I probably passed out.” Kara breathed, letting Alex use a kryptonite modified needle to take her blood.

“I woke up … six months later, in a bed carved into the stone of a beautiful cave. I think, the lack of sunlight is what caused my body to shut down to preserve what was left of life in me … There was a woman, taking care of me. It took me a week to stop dozing in and off, to really focus on her and she spoke a language that, even me, I had never heard. It sounded … mythic, somehow. As in a language made for gods only, soft and sweet and it was like hearing a song lost in my memory …” Kara smiled softly and Cat tilted her head, curious but silent.

“I realized I couldn’t speak but she didn’t seem to mind and I swear, it’s going to sound silly but I swear she could read the words in my eyes because, she was answering me, my questions, my doubts, filling me in on to what had happened to me and how badly I was hurt. First in her language and then in English …” Kara trailed off and a pained expression twisted her soft features.

“She was pure and kind, truly. I was so weak … She told me my body was still glowing with a green substance and she had no idea how to remove it. I figured it was the results of the enhanced Valeronian blowing himself up … It took three months for her to finally get rid of most of the residual Kryptonite and eventually, she brought me outside the cave and into the sun. I was so weak and exhausted, I couldn’t stand by myself so she took it upon her to lay me out on the shore, near the ocean, for a few hours each day. I wasn’t healing properly, I could feel it. That’s how I knew there was still Kryptonite in my body, inside, out of reach. It makes total sense because I breathed in the cloud of the explosion and it must have gotten in my lungs or something …” Kara trailed off again and Alex nodded.

“The tissues around your heart, actually. It’s truly a wonder you survived for so long in that state.”

Kara winced but didn’t answer immediately. When she spoke again, her tone was slow and low.

“Eventually, I was able to speak again and we talked. She told me her name, when I finally asked for it. Diana, and I was on the island of Themyscira.”

Alex frowned and Cat blinked a few times, unsure if she could say something.

“Hum, Kara, that … It doesn’t exist. I mean, my knowledge of the world is not impeccable but I’m pretty sure that island doesn’t exist anywhere on the surface of Earth.” Alex finally said and Kara simply smiled to her.

“I know. It’s … well hidden from the world and for good reasons. I lost track of time there, but I knew that I needed to come home. Since the island is … isolated, to say the least, I had no choice but to fly. At some point, I thought I had gathered enough power … I wasn’t entirely sure I could do it but I had to try. I bid my goodbyes and I flew. Until … I crashed into Cat’s bay window.” Kara finished and in her baby blue eyes, there was a longing Cat didn’t know how to read.

Alex was staring at her sister , skeptical but silent. She stayed quiet while finishing running the tests on Supergirl and in the end, she sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed.

“I’m … I thought you were dead. For a whole year, I thought you were dead, we had a funeral, a memorial ceremony even … I … “ Alex trailed off, her voice breaking and tears shining in her eyes.

“I know, I am so sorry, Alex.” Kara whispered, reaching out to hug her sister and Alex sagged against Kara’s shoulder, finally allowing herself to cry.

It wasn’t going to be easy, Cat thought, but it was a start.

—

“How exactly are you going to reintroduce yourself to the world?” Carter asked and his question, in appearance innocence, made everyone stop what they were doing.

The whole group of friends and family was gathered in the living room of the beach house, a week after the all clear from Alex.

Winn and James, sat on opposite couches, were teasing Kara about all the movies and shows she had missed on during the previous year. Eliza, Alex, Clark and M’gann were animatedly talking about aliens related sciences and religions, gathered in the armchairs on the porch, just outside of the bay window and Hank would occasionally chime in but he was content to stay silent. Lucy, Lois and Cat were coming back from the kitchen with drinks and appetizers for everyone when Carter, who was sitting next to Kara, had spoke.

“What do you mean buddy?” Kara said, tilting her head to the side as she looked at him with a questioning look.

“I mean, Supergirl died at the same time as Kara Danvers, a little over a year ago. It will be suspicious if they suddenly both return from the dead at the same time. Are you seriously saying you didn’t think about it?” The disbelief in the teenager’s voice echoed across the silent room.

“Actually … I didn’t? It’s been a busy couple of weeks lately and … I didn’t think about it no.” Kara slowly replied, frowning at the realization she hadn’t thought about Supergirl since she woke up.

No one was talking in the room around them and Carter looked at each of their face with surprise.

“Seriously?” He snorted and his face hardened, fear and anger suddenly exploding in his deep blue eyes.

Cat chose that moment to jump in, voice soft and clear.

“Well, I never explicitly said Kara Danvers died. As far as everyone is concerned, she was reported missing while following a lead for that mafia case Snapper ordered you to drop just before the alien bombing …The police considers it’s a cold case but I’m sure detective Sawyer can be persuaded to make something up …”

Carter’s eyes snapped up to meet hers.

“That’s fine and all but what happens when Supergirl show up in the sky the same day Kara returns to CatCo?”

“What if … “ Kara replied and she looked unsure for a few seconds. Taking a deep breath, she smiled at Carter and finished her sentence. “What if Supergirl didn’t return? At least … at least for a while? I mean … National City survived without me for over a year. A few month or more won’t make too much of a difference, right?”

Cat’s breath hitched and she almost dropped the bowl of chips she was holding, flooded with surprise and hope as she searched for Kara’s eyes. The smile on the hero’s face told her everything she needed to know and she returned the gesture.

“I … I think … I’d like that.” Carter answered after a while, a smile slowly gracing his lips as he moved to hug Kara.

—

“Did you mean it?” Cat asked in the darkness of the bedroom, Kara’s arms wrapped around her and holding her close.

“I did. I do.” Kara answered without a trace of hesitation, her breath landing on Cat’s naked shoulder, making her shudder.

“You’re going to miss it, being Supergirl.” Cat whispered softly, knowing her lover by heart.

“I know. I never said it was a forever kind of arrangement, though. Someday, I will return to being Supergirl, National City champion but for now, I’m happy to be just Kara Danvers.” The hero replied and Cat shuddered again when she felt Kara’s lips on her skin, at the back of her neck.

“I’m still angry at you.” Cat’s tone was serious and lined with the remnants of her fears.

“I know and it’s okay. Carter told me the same thing and even though Alex is trying to act as if everything was alright, I know it’s not. It will take time, for us to heal.” Kara’s voice sounded a little distant but confident, betraying her bubbly, optimistic nature that the events of the past year didn’t seem to alter.

“It’s not your fault, we all know that but … “ Cat tried to justify her anger, feeling a little guilty for putting Kara through this but she couldn’t help it.

“I know.” Kara simply said and Cat sighed when the hero’s arms closed a little tighter around her silhouette, breathing in the familiar scent and relaxing against the warm, soft skin.

The brush of sunkissed curls upon her shoulder was the last thing she felt before she fell asleep.

#supercat #sentences prompt #kara x cat #supercat fic #supercat ficlet #supercat fanfic #supergirl fic #supergirl fanfic #supercat prompt #alex danvers #lucy lane #alex x lucy #carter grant #angst with a happy ending #angst #nascar anon

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tryingthisfangirlthing · 7 years

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Endless List of Works-in-Progress

List all the things you’re currently working on in as much or as little detail as you’d like, then tag some friends to see what they’re working on: writing, art, gifsets, whatever.

So I was sort-of tagged by @pellaaearien (in the manner of “if you see this and haven’t done the thing yet, do it”). And I’m tagging @viennainspringtime, @flootzavut, @doctorinblue @onekisstotakewithme (only if you want to do this!) and anyone else who sees this who wants to do the thing. :)

This is going to be long. Firstly, I’m only counting the works for which I actually have at least a few paragraphs written, aka not including the million and one ideas bouncing around in my head, some of which I have notes for and intend to write in the near future as well. Secondly, I’m only counting works on which I see myself spending time in the near future.

Also, most of these don’t have proper titles. Titles are the worst, and I generally only have a hope of coming up with a title after I’ve finished a thing or written at least a few thousand words.

(Doctor Who) Nine/Rose ballroom dance class scene A short thing inspired by this photo manip. Currently untitled, basically what it says on the tin. He’s a dance instructor who sweeps her away from Mickey for several glorious minutes. Open-ended with implied mutual interest/pining (because mutual pining is my Thing). Basically I just have to sit down and finish putting the words to paper, dammit.

She was holding more-or-less the normal dancing position, because she knew that if she lowered her arms she wouldn’t want to raise them again for a week, certainly not before the end of the class.

“Whose idea was this again?” Mickey grimaced, scrunching up his nose.

“You sided with Mum on the whole dancing at the wedding bit, not me.”

(Doctor Who) Fem!Tentoo/Rose romantic fluff-ish thing Tentoo is female (because, hello, Donna’s a woman?) and her and Rose start bonding during and in between all those stops to drop the other companions off, and eventually reveal Feelings. Basically I decided to try to fill my own prompt. I still want to do it, except I am terrible at getting-to-know-you bonding chatter. Both in real life and in writing. It confounds me.

“I am the Doctor.” It was odd to hear those words in such different tones -— slightly higher, a bit rougher. “Well…” and she drew the word out exactly like the Doctor Rose knew did. “I’m a Time Lord-human biological metacrisis. Rather different body.” She rolled her shoulders, grimacing, laying one hand on her chest. “Bit of an odd feeling, having only one heart. I keep thinking something should be missing.” She looked back at Rose. “But I’m the Doctor in every way that counts. Thoughts, memories, feelings.” Rose wasn’t sure whether the split second of hesitation before the last was only her imagination.

(Doctor Who) Fem!Ten/Rose human AU speed dating Because I love Fem!Ten. I think this was also from something I saw on timepetalsprompts, but I can’t find the post right now. Fem!Ten here is adorably socially awkward and I want to snuggle her. But this story also suffers from the same I-can’t-write-bonding-talk problem as above.

“The Doctor. Well —” she reached back to rub at the side of her neck. “It’s Jane Smith. But all my friends call me the Doctor.”

“I’m Rose Tyler.” Rose couldn’t help smiling, just a little. “So, are you a doctor? Like, do you do surgery?”

“Oh! No, not that kind of doctor. Astrophysics. And politics. And I’m working on my doctorate of electrical engineering.” She twisted one curl around her finger, tapping the fingers of her other hand silently on the edge of the table.

“Wow.” Rose inhaled, trying not to be intimidated. “That’s a lot.”

(Doctor Who) Nine, Ten From this prompt, of Rose having a one-night stand with Ten while she was traveling with Nine, that decided to gnaw at me, and I immediately wondered “Where is Ten’s Rose?” and then it developed Feelings. This is another where I really just need to get all the words down, but I’m incredibly afraid I won’t do all the emotions the story holds in my head justice on paper (or on the screen).

“Oh. Oh!” The realization dawns in his eyes. “So that was…” His expression falls, his voice flat, deep disappointment in his gaze. “You — that you — didn’t know it was me. And you wanted to see the old me again, that was why you wanted to come here.” He’s closing off, something she hasn’t seen on this him before, but she instantly recognizes it, that look in his eyes, the way his features harden. “I can’t change back. I’m sorry. I wish I could—”

(There’s also a version that’s shorter and angstier but that doesn’t have enough words yet to count for this list.)

(Doctor Who) Ten/Rose flogging scene I started writing this to process a personal experience, and maybe attempt to more accurately depict conscious BDSM than how I usually see it portrayed (than I’ve portrayed some practices myself in the past). What I currently have will likely be scrapped, or cannibalized for a second version. But I still want to write this, and possibly expand on it, into a series of scenes (of actually rather minimally sexual BDSM). But it’s a balancing act between not wanting it to devolve into pure imagination, and not wanting to recount intense personal experiences for the world to get off to, out of respect for my partners.

She trails her fingers down his vertebrae — he’s so wiry, she’d worried about hitting bone anywhere she struck, but he’d reassured her that he would be fine. Lightly, she strikes his left buttock with the back of her hand, just because she can, not because he needs any more warming up, his backside tinted pink as well. The smallest of noises curls in his throat, part amusement, and she smiles.

Resting her hand other on his shoulder, brushing her thumb in a short arc, she asks, “Ready?”

He nods, clears his throat. Head lowered, he adjusts his stance slightly where he braces himself against the wall on his forearms. “Yes,” he says, a slight rasp to his voice.

(Nonfiction) BDSM writing how-to A lot of us tend to include elements of BDSM in our smut. Heck, I’ve done the same. But there’s a difference between spicing up the sex and consciously engaging in BDSM, and there’s not much information for “laypeople” on how (some/most conscientious) people do the latter, and how you can best write it. My intention is to try to fix that. It’s very much a work in progress and I keep changing it as I gain more experience and insight myself, and talk with far more experienced people. (Also I sometimes feel really pretentious writing this so if someone really wants this to be a thing, please please let me know.)

(Sanctuary) Adolescence of a Mongrel Vampire A work likely to approach novel-length in which Nikolija (gender-swapped Nikola Tesla) deals with having become a vampire in the early days after the change, and the effect this has on the Five at Oxford. Rather graphic and unpleasant in parts, very whump-y, with a dash of unfulfilled lesbian pining to round out the angst. (This is also actually part of a universe of sorts, with multiple stories featuring said gender-swapped Tesla, but it can be read on its own.)

“How’s —” She cut him off, not wanting to hear the lie, swallowed, and tried again, forcing hoarse words over her lips. “How’s Helen?”

Newton, as she had begun to privately call the pigeon, squawked, and she realized she was gripping him — her? it — far too tightly, and she stepped inside and set it down on the edge of the washbasin.

“She’s fine.” Nigel spoke softly. “She lost some blood, and she’s restin’ now, but she saw to herself and she’ll be fine.”

Nikolija nodded, finally, and mostly closed the door behind herself, purposely not quite enough that it would latch.

He saw it, and didn’t say anything, as she kept her distance from him, moving along the walls over to the plain wooden wardrobe.

“Tell her I am sorry.”

She bowed her head and turned her back on him as she rifled through her clothes.

(Sanctuary) Soulmarks UA Soulmarks are not only for romantic partners, but anyone who is has touched your heart in a significant way, however briefly or not-so-briefly. Helen, with her lifespan and work, of course has far more soulmarks than most. (This story was not meant to be this long! But it kind of took off and then I had no other choice but to trace through most of her life as we know it or can surmise it from the show.)

The cravat never caught on. It would have hidden the identifying mark in the hollow of one’s throat, that design — not words, but figures, lines contrasting against the skin in a symbol — that would be traced elsewhere on your own skin, if this person was to touch your soul.

It wasn’t unusual to have multiple marks, some clear, more starkly colored, for best friends or lovers or spouses, and some fainter, for a passing acquaintance who nevertheless offered exactly the right words or listening ear at the moment you needed them, or some kind of animal symbol for a beloved pet.

There were some who had many, many marks belonging to others — tracing up and down an arm or a leg, the lines occasionally interweaving — and then there were some who only had a few, loving rarely.

And then, there was Helen Sophia Magnus, whose skin from just below her collarbones downward was a mess of various shades of gray, so that individual designs were hardly distinguishable any more, aside from a few that stood out in stark black lines.

(Sanctuary) Teslen vampire/hunter AU He’s a vampire; she’s a hunter. He’s an unusual challenge for her; she’s the same for him. She’s also the one responsible for the entire vampire epidemic in the first place. I think this is the only one that’s been published in any kind of significant way so far; if you’d like, you can read what’s already up online here. Currently somewhat stymied because I’ve gotten past all the really fun relatively fluffy (for a given value of fluff) “mostly enemies but forging a grudging relationship” stuff and now I have to think of an actual plot, which I am incredibly bad at sorting out properly (and I really should have seen that coming, bad Rinari).

(Original Work) The Kel’Reth This is less of one work and more an entire project. It’s a whole flipping world, with one long, more traditional novel-ish work, about a king who loses his kingdom to a coup, and then several other stories in the same world, among them a lesbian explorer couple and a glimpse into the Kel’Reth mythology through a temple librarian. A lot of it is mostly ideas and notes. (Worldbuilding is hard!) It’s kind of a mess and I haven’t worked on it in what feels like ages but it’s my precious.

Sreh was already waiting for them with the messenger and a zazak, one of the large, thinly-furred, horned creatures the Kel'Reth used as pack animals, now relieved of its load. The tactician’s expression was somber.

“What do you have to tell me?” The king adjusted his red robes, cinching his belt tighter, as if that might help to brace him for whatever terrible news he could feel was coming.

The envoy bowed deeply, laying his frills flat. “I bow before you in awe, General-King, Elected of the Zir–”

“What do you have to tell me?” Varekh snapped. “Courier. Consider yourself excused from formalities.”

The messenger paled, swallowing heavily as he straightened. “My King… people have begun to die. It all happened so quickly—but some say even a quarter of the people may be gone by now. The Regent-King has fled, with the Crown Prince. Jazeri now holds the throne, though she has not ordered your guards slain yet. I have a letter from Regent-King Levor here–” he dug in his satchel to retrieve the roll of parchment, still sealed, and offered it to Varekh “–for you.”

His mind spinning, Varekh shook his head, not reaching to take the letter, simply absorbing the news. So he was too late. He had failed.

Perhaps it was instinct that made Sreh grab his arm just before his knees gave out from underneath him.

“Your Majesty! My King!” Her voice rose in panic. “Varekh!”

(Original Work) Heaven in Hell This began as a short story. Then it blossomed into a series of short stories, just a series of moments that somehow became a story in their own right. Jeanne/Evelyn is a lowly guardian angel, who talks with the demons she’s supposed to kill, who falls in love (and God forbid his angels truly love anyone but him), who is cast out of heaven and realizes maybe hell is her heaven after all. I started writing this in French, actually, and I have this weird compulsion to continue writing it in French. But since I have no French teacher to currently impress with little French stories, I haven’t made much progress recently. Still, I love it and I do want to finish it one day. It’s pretty personal, honestly, because I myself used to be highly religious of the very conservative variety and am now quite at home among the flaming queers. I’m sure you can see the parallels.

“I miss you.” Isabelle bit her lip, raising her eyes to meet Evelyn’s again. “You were always my best friend. Come back, please. I don’t know what you did–I’m not going to ask–but I’m sure the Lord would forgive you. He’s always ready to forgive…”

“You’re naive.” It was quiet, almost a whisper, as she stood.

The demoness kissed the angel on the cheek, pressing her lips to the corner of her mouth several moments longer than what would be strictly appropriate for a friend.

“Have a good evening, ‘Belle.”

With a flick of her tail, Evelyn turned to leave.

#rinari's fic writing #holy crap #so many things #my flighty distractable muse #i am so sorry to all of you #anyone who reads anything i've written or am in the process of writing is a saint #works in progress

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elizabethrobertajones · 7 years

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I recently came across this blog that was very anti Dean/destiel. This was apparently because Dean supposedly was "an abusive person". Particularly towards Cas. Personally, I ship it, like.. a lot, but I scrolled down and I have to say that I read some valid points on that blog. Dean really treats him like shit sometimes and like, I could in some way understand why they thought of dean/cas's relationship like that. What's your opinion on this, like, do you think of Dean as abusive towards Cas?

If it was a Cas blog, those are all valid points, and you just let that go no matter how much you might stan for Dean :P Treat it as a free exercise in being zen towards your fellow humans and not thinking shit at them. Cas stans have been through enough, I was in fandom in season 10, I remember watching that despair >.>

(On the other hand there are some people who hate every aspect of the show at this point and are just completely fatigued with caring about it and may have a “Cas deserves better” line - but also hate 99% of everything that happens on screen so much that every aspect of the show is problematic garbage, which, of course, includes Destiel being an abusive trainwreck of a ship before you get to the fans romanticising every punch they throw at each other while gobbling up the queerbaiting and so on and so on)

There are some anti blogs that talk up it being abusive and whether they actually don’t ship it for that reason or not is a lot more blurry and (you can guess by the company they seem to keep) they might have got there via just finding something to “disprove” the ship or to justify hating it. In that case, long angry posts about why it’s so terrible are pretty much loudly agreeing with each other, and maybe hoping someone who ships it will stumble on the post and be convinced their ship is bad and they should feel bad. These same people will argue the ship is homophobic and its fans are homophobic, as well as abuse apologists, racist, whatever, because making a ship out to be unethical is a great way to subtly conduct a ship war while giving yourself high ground. It’s why when stuff like the cucumber water debate blew up, they were accusing us of being homophobic and saying drinking vegetable water made you gay, as if we are the racist uncle who thinks wearing a pink shirt means you’re a “pansy” or something, and that this line of homophobic reasoning is why we think Dean is gay and that they don’t stereotype people.

And there are people who genuinely don’t like the ship whatever angle they approach it because they feel it’s abusive in the sort of way where again you just respect that it makes them feel that way because it upsets or triggers them.

I’m now sure I sound like the next thing out of my mouth is going to be “so I guess Destiel is abusive then” but it’s a big fandom and different groups of people have different versions of the story :P

Lots of rambling about this under the cut:

When I was still fairly new to the fandom I stumbled on a Sam blog that was arguing with a great many examples of how Dean was abusive and of course sympathising with Sam in every fight and turning pretty much every interaction between them into a microaggression. I just wondered how you live like that and still watch the show? Like, if I found something so problematic I couldn’t even watch the 2 main characters who are onscreen all the time interact without getting upset every time one of the opens their mouth, I would just stop watching it. I *have* watched stuff where I then stopped watching because the characters pissed me off.

(I think this show has a secret magic formula to make you extremely over-invested in the characters to the point it’s like fictional character crack, and I may only stop writing meta for this show when I figure it out, take the secret with me, and go write a ton of novels with characters you’re similarly loyal too :P)

Anyway. There’s tons of people who don’t think Sam is abusive to Dean or Dean is abusive to Sam, and after I spent a day or so feeling really weird and uncomfortable about liking Dean so much when he was apparently awful I realised it had never affected the way I watched the show before, and that it had never troubled me about it either, because I never saw it that way.

When *I* thought about it, I thought Sam was very resilient, loved his brother, and had his clear boundaries, such as stomping off in 7x06 when he found out about Dean killing Amy or in season 9 after discovering the Gadreel thing, setting down very clear rules with Dean about where he stood after Dean crossed the line, and that clearly to Sam, he knows his own self, and 99% of the time, he’s fine with what Dean does in the grander scheme. Maybe they have fights and Sam is upset or angry with him for a while but in general if Sam thought he was being mistreated, he’s shown he can identify that for himself and get out and look after his own interest, and return when he and Dean can reach an understanding and have grown as characters from it. (I think altogether too much debate about characters treats them as if they have never grown when we see them learn and change all the time and are quantifiably different from how they started)

I think season 10 was the only time it crossed too far into really seeming a bit too domestic violence-y because of course Dean with the Mark of Cain had an ancient brother killing curse and Sam was still living under the same roof trying to help him, after being nearly murdered under said roof already once that year. But it was all extremely dark and fucked up for everyone, so unless I was stanning Sam, again it wouldn’t upset me any more than any other character’s messed up part in that arc, especially as Sam had his own part in being portrayed in a really negative light, and it seemed like Carver just wanted us to hate both of them at times.

Anyway by the time I ever read anyone complaining about how Destiel was abusive I’d already had to realise through thinking about that (and I read that before season 10 aired) that how we read characters and their behaviour to each other is as subjective as anything else on this show.

If we really, deeply care about Dean, Cas can be seen as abusive - that alley scene in 5x18 put people off because Cas attacked Dean pretty much out of personal anger when he could have just knocked him out with a touch and dragged his sorry butt home, and it made Cas seem cold and cruel to Dean, that he could turn on him like that and not care. Season 6 gives no respite to make Cas seem nice again, and then he goes and breaks Sam’s wall. By 7x17 when he comes back and Dean is all teary eyed about it and has the trenchcoat still you’re like why do you even fucking care, Dean? All he’s ever done is hurt you and Sam and break the world! and Dean’s suddenly in this position where he seems strung along loving someone who has only ever hurt them and been cold to them and his investment seems greater than Cas’s. And then as the story goes on, Cas’s attempts to redeem himself and apologise come across cold and calculating or emotionally manipulative and self-serving and yikes we’ve made it halfway through Carver era and Cas hasn’t done one single thing to earn Dean’s love or to seem truly selfless about his own. (I can’t be bothered to keep strawmanning this but honestly I have seen people who hate Cas argue the latter part, and people who never started shipping Destiel argue the first half about season 5 & 6 and why it never made sense to them)

I think it’s a violent, awful show where people do violent, awful things to each other. Sam and Dean already mutually did enough shit to make it easy to argue either was abusive to the other before Cas was around (eugh, extreme Dean girls hating Sam always feels like such a betrayal but they say some shocking stuff about Sam and how much of a useless whiny leech on Dean he is >.>) and Cas showed up also angry and a creature of violence, built in their exact mould, and they all kicked off from there.

At some point you’ve excused enough of this interpersonal violence and overblown emotional drama (which lends itself to manipulation and grand statements about betrayal or whatever) to watch the show and root for the characters and keep with them for up to 12 years and if you still LIKE the show and the characters, then you may have to consider when and how stuff would be abusive and be aware of not romanticising it, but you can still watch it and enjoy it and NOT find it abusive for your own take on it.

(I tag all discussion of Destiel crypt scene/mirrors of said scene, as “crypt scenes for ts” including gifsets that use their busted up faces in passing, for that reason, so people who find it abusive can selectively avoid it, and as a reminder to self that people see it that way and never to let myself think that these depictions of love breaking through violence are unproblematic. It’s an inherently problematic trope, and saying oh they were controlled by something else and it was romantic that they managed not to kill each other, is just too close to excusing someone who ACTUALLY hits someone and then saying, oh, but they managed to stop themselves from hurting them any more than they did and put down their fists after a while because they LOVE them. And the trope has been used 2 times with Cas and once with Dean so this isn’t saying either of them is more abusive than the other (especially as 10x22 was by far the most shocking, and, as I said about Sam, the Mark of Cain had been a domestic abuse metaphor the whole time))

But - and here’s the big but to literally everything above: if you still LIKE the characters and enjoy their relationship and it DOESN’T upset you too much to watch and you acknowledge where it can be seen as abusive but these things haven’t put you off, then there’s nothing harmful about either shipping them, OR saying you DON’T THINK THE SHIP IS ABUSIVE. And genuinely not thinking it is, overall.

I don’t, and for the same reason I explained about Dean not abusing Sam, especially that Cas still has agency and that his whole story has been about choosing the Winchesters over an INFINITELY more abusive family that HAS done all that shit to him and he’s been struggling to leave including the whole split loyalty still loving for them despite how much they hurt him thing and always being sucked back in despite how he must know by now angel stuff ALWAYS ends with him being hurt and angels dying. Picking Dean as his family over them seems a no-brainer.

For one thing, I don’t feel like there’s any malice in their day-to-day interactions, and that while Dean can be rough and rude to Cas, he doesn’t do it to exert control over him, JUST out of cruelty, or anything else abusive, just a pattern of “when Dean is sad or angry he will say insensitive and horrible things to the people around him” - because he’s human and messed up and angry/miserable (pick your week) and doesn’t think he even deserves their love half the time when he’s really trying to drive people off (his side of 5x18 :P). Your reaction to this pattern might depend on how you’ve been treated in the past and if it rings unfortunately too close to actual abuse to you, but without that trigger I think it is not impossible to read it as not aimed to control or emotionally manipulate the people around him, but normal expressions of emotion, with no intent to harm, and if you read the reactions of the people around him, no lasting damage to them as if his actions were abusive (e.g. Sam doesn’t get flinchy when Dean drinks or gets angry, as if emulating someone raised by a violent drunk; Cas doesn’t react when Dean yells at him but unless he’s in a very bad place for other reasons, gives shit right back to Dean and stands up for himself)

For another, Dean against Sam with the Mark was 100x worse than he ever was to Cas. 9x22 at the end showed a huge difference in how he treated them, and I don’t think that was putting on a nice face for Cas - I think that was meant to convey the Mark twisting Dean up AGAINST Sam and showing that he’d been poisoned against him, but it hadn’t affected how Dean felt about Cas, because he is not his brother, and the curse therefore doesn’t affect them. In the end he did attack Cas, and it’s their absolute low point, but it took a season and a half to hollow Dean out that far, as part of an episode showing in every way that we’d lost all parts of Dean that were good, while Dean took like 15 episodes from Mark of Cain to chasing Sam with a hammer. (And, of course, demon!Dean still retained parts of what made Dean good, making him at least complex, though obviously not “good” any more - Dean in 10x22 was genuinely more evil, empty and broken than when he was a demon, to compare Dean choosing to kill the kid with Dean selectively choosing to kill Lester because he thought his wife didn’t deserve it, never mind all his angsty moping and still deciding what he was and so on, suggesting he was struggling to let go of those last human parts.) Anyway, I didn’t think Dean had any sustained aggression against Cas and the arc was way more about a threat to Sam from Dean - as late as 10x20 Dean was still retaining his humanity and struggling to help Cas and do nice things on his behalf and play cute with Claire, while the season in general kept Cas away from Dean and I think that was a good idea in hindsight, because it both facilitated Dean’s descent (Cas keeps him on the level) and meant Cas didn’t have to take the brunt of Dean’s Mark-related dickishness. Aka, avoiding including Cas properly in any sort of sustained domestic abuse arc with Dean. In 10x18 they play happy families with Charlie, and it’s a fleeting GOOD thing with nice family dynamics. 10x21 laid it on thick that Sam was alone with someone who could swing around to violence and made it clear it was a domestic abuse metaphor between them. (Which, again, in Dean’s defence for THIS relationship, was a metaphor for one season, and I don’t think reflective on how he treats Sam normally, at all.)

As for Dean’s general behaviour, you have to forgive incident by incident on the assumption that Dean isn’t holding up a sustained campaign of abuse against Cas, but considers him an equal but who he often has GENUINE grievances against (and also that Cas is not a woobie and can take it - we may see him hurt a lot but he remains resilient). In season 6, Cas is shifty and won’t come to help them - you could argue Dean’s feeling entitled to that, but he’s upset because Cas is supposed to be a friend and his responses are underwhelming, and, importantly, Dean doesn’t feel like Cas is sharing when he WANTS to help. Dean can tell something’s up but Cas won’t even get into a real conversation with it, and wouldn’t have let Dean help anyway. So he’s pissed off at the start and gets MORE pissed off along the season, so he snaps at Cas and wheedles him to come help not because he feels like Cas is only good to help, but he’s fed up with Cas not coming, being weird, and being unhelpful, when they’re SUPPOSED to be friends.

I don’t even know how to explain how Dean acts towards Cas in season 7 if someone doesn’t get that the repercussions of Cas breaking Sam’s wall aren’t still clear in Dean’s mind, and he can’t talk to Cas about it because he’s never quite himself and ready to have the talk about these consequences. (I mean he sort of can at the end of the season but they’re aggressively not listening to each other even while trying to communicate) When Dean snaps at Cas, he’s frustrated, and angry and missing his friend, and upset on Sam’s behalf and it’s a mess, he’s not just yelling “no one cares that you’re broken” because he wants to hurt Cas. HE cares. He’s so fucked up about it that the entire end of the season rests on him reconciling with Cas, and so they need to show him unable to do that first… There’s more to it than just collecting a moment of Dean yelling at Cas or that bit where he throws the board game on the floor despite how it looks. They’re in the middle of the fight and Cas has as much of his part of it as Dean does, though he’s in a vulnerable state and Dean’s approaching him with anger, Cas knows Dean’s the injured party - this is the arc that starts with “I’ll find some way to redeem myself to you” - and it’s totally fucked up but this is how it plays out with Dean’s reactions to Cas’s avoidance and consuming guilt that won’t even let him face the problem head on until the very last moment. Dean approaches Cas gently, Cas finally makes a gesture to help and in this way their last conversation when they go collect Baby puts them back on EQUAL footing. And before that they were unequal but from both directions - Cas was broken/had no memory, but also Cas had the burden to make it right with Dean and he wasn’t making that move. He fixes Sam, which is the huge important step one, but after that he is “only playing sorry” and the argument goes BOTH ways with the need to reconcile, which means all the pissiness is fair game, NOT Dean being cruel to Cas and kicking him while he’s down…

I suppose I could keep on rationalising stuff they do forever but these are the examples I see the most when reading about it, and I just don’t feel in MY interpretation of it, that Dean has ANY cruelty to Cas, or even a sustained threat to him. That’s not to minimise that Cas took a LOT of beatings over recent times and ended up feeling depressed and alone and with PTSD and so on, but I read this as a carelessness that Dean desperately would not want to inflict on Cas if he knew and understood (and therefore could have reached out to him properly), and that at every opportunity when he even partially understands he reaches out and cares for Cas (like 8x08 and “talk to me” or many of the less dramatic heart to hearts where he tries to understand Cas or to reassure or comfort him about stuff, as well as generally attempting to apologise - I think he apologises 3 times for kicking Cas out the Bunker, though he can only truly repent after telling the whole truth, it ate him up and he WANTED it to not be this way and felt it was out of his control because from the last scene of 9x01 when Gadreel suddenly declares Sam can’t know, Dean immediately loses any control he thought he had over what happens next)…

Anyway, people are ALWAYS going to have opinions or still ship it but think some of my arguments don’t work and some of these examples were abusive but it won’t stop them shipping based on a more ideal version of the relationship, even divorcing from canon altogether and shipping the AU perfect version of the ship where it can always be happy and they never have the issues they do in canon. Some people will ship it because they LIKE that element of it, for one reason or another, and there will be people who write fic embracing really dark elements.

When it comes to reading what others have to say about ANYTHING you like, you have to decide for yourself how much it affects how you see it, and you have to remember people are coming at everything with their personal biases and feelings. You CAN argue Destiel is abusive - you can probably argue most ships are, especially ones with canon interaction, and especially LOTS of canon interaction because tropes like lying and manipulation (even gentle lies and manipulation) are rife in fiction. Writers make characters fight for drama, and once they do, someone’s going to find supporting the characters together is inherently problematic and awful.

If you make it this far in canon and HAVEN’T found the ship abusive in YOUR reading of it and based on YOUR emotional reactions to everything that happened on screen so far, then you are probably safe to keep shipping it at least on YOUR terms.

However, I would listen to what people say and make up your own mind just because if they’re bringing up things that are genuinely unsettling, you should probably work out if you support that or not, and if you ship at a safe remove (e.g. “the crypt scene etc were abusive and I don’t like it but generally I find the ship okay and they’ve made attempts to mend that and aren’t continuing in that behaviour so I can still ship them in canon but don’t want to see anything romanticising the bad bits” or “I find the things they’ve done in canon unsettling enough I would rather ship them in fanon and try to enjoy what they do in canon just for the good bits like when they hold hands” or whatever). As long as you are respectful to other people and understand WHY they see things the way they do, and don’t try and tell people who are genuinely hurt that things AREN’T hurtful.

(I’m not saying you would, but there are arguments in fandom I really don’t think we should be having as arguments, and this is one of them :P)

#Asks #abuse cw

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