#sorry for the inactivity lol it will continue a bit longer i fear | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

americanphancakes · 4 years

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1/? I know everyone is happy about dan talking about the next chapter but I can’t help but feel bratty about it. It’s been a year and a half since dan was heavily involved with the fanbase. I completely understood time off preparing to come out that is big. But I expect him to be involved again after a couple months. A year since that happened and nothing’s changed. This isn’t meant to be negative at all just part of me can’t help but be sad. How long till the next thing happens?

2/2 Once that’s drops will be disappear again? Will he give us one upload a year? I don’t think dan wants to quit yt I just can’t think what dan actually does wants to do. And I’m not mad at dan or hate him in anyway. If anything I love him and phil so much that it’s the reason I have these feelings. I’m scared of losing hope or interest in people that have been a big part of my teen/adult life. I just waiting for nothing. I love them and I’m afraid of not caring. That’s my biggest fear. Sorry

No need to apologize! Your feelings are valid, that’s the first thing you need to make 100% sure you know. I’ve expressed some degree of frustration with people who are disappointed it Dan’s inactivity, but that doesn’t mean your feelings are stupid or even bratty. You’re fine! :)

My job here with an ask like this is to try and make you feel a bit better, I guess, but what I say may not have that function in the end, lol.

Dan walks the precarious line between being a person and being a product. That’s the case with a lot of people in social media, but also a lot of celebrities in general, which is unfortunate because it’s literally impossible for a person to be a product. They can play a role, they can present themselves a certain way, but they can’t give us what we expect from products. We want (and can usually safely expect) products to be consistent, reliable, and high quality. People, however, are inconsistent, messy, and flawed.

Dan has been a product for a decade, his ENTIRE adult life, during a period of time in which most people are free to figure out who they are without so many eyes on them, and without so many people judging them. Sure, we endure the judgement of our parents & peers, but peer groups change when we move, our parents stop watching when we move out, and even when we have those people judging us it’s only a few people compared to the scores of comments and reblogs and meetups Dan has had.

The funny thing about self-esteem is that the first ingredient is self-actualization. In order to be confident in who we are, we have to figure out who we are, on at least some level. And right now, Dan is probably spending time figuring out who he is. People get upset about Dan for not communicating his intentions for the future, but no one seems to take into account that he probably doesn’t KNOW what his intentions for the future are. Most of us spend university-age and up experimenting with majors, taking retail jobs, talking to people about their careers and families, and learning what options life has. Dan had a youtube career plus social phobias; he didn’t really have that option. He didn’t even have teen years where he experimented with career paths & talents, I mean he chose “law” as a career more or less arbitrarily -- it wasn’t a passion he was following because he hadn’t figured out what his passions were yet. Then he became a youtuber fairly young, and eyes have been on him, judging his every move and studying his habits and mannerisms, trying to predict his behavior even when, as a human, he’s never going to be entirely predictable, and that really held back his growth as an individual. When everything you do is going to have eyes on it, it’s hard to take any action that’s purely your own. You end up doing everything either to satisfy other people or rebel against them, never to serve yourself.

And clearly he’s been happy enough doing the YouTube thing for ages. It’s clear that he quickly developed a passion for connecting with people (even in AmazingDan you can hear his delight that the people on his channel can ‘be themselves’). But he never really figured out if youtube was the way he wanted to forge those connections, or if he was only continuing it because that’s what his audience expected from him.

It’s entirely possible he’ll discover that YouTube is the best way to connect with his audience in a personal way, and maybe eventually he’ll return to it full time. Or he may find that writing - whether that’s scripted fiction television or novels or anything else - is the way he’d rather go about it so he can work more independently for longer stretches of time. Maybe he’s trying to make his face less well-known so people don’t come up to him in public quite so often because that stresses him out; or maybe he’ll learn he misses those surprise fan encounters because they put a face on the people whose lives he’s touched. It’s impossible for him to know what would make him happy until he actually tries taking his life in some new directions and sees what happens.

Even now, a year after his last upload, we’re watching him and waiting and predicting his behavior based on whether he likes art on his birthday or not, and when you put yourself in the shoes of someone like Dan who has social anxiety and feels like he’s being watched all the time, you start to realize why he’s backing off. I mean.... no offense to my fellow phandom members but we are EXHAUSTING sometimes lol.

But I do truly understand the fun factor of trying to guess what he’s going to do next. The thing is, though, it’s his LIFE we’re trying to predict; not a plot twist on a tv show, or the pre-planned release schedule of a pop idol’s next few singles & album. We’re in the middle of Dan’s first proper gap year (one that, from the sound of it, is extending longer than expected because COVID-19 put a hold on something he’s been working on, so Dan can’t be blamed for that).

I think it’s very reasonable to be impatient about Dan’s absence from our lives. His content is wonderful, he’s a joy to listen to when he speaks, and he makes so many of us feel just that little bit less alone. But I do think we need to give him the grace & space to figure himself out. It’s a luxury a lot of us have, but he never really did.

I also think it’s very unlikely that Dan will stay away from us forever. That connection with us seems to be extremely important to him, however anxious he may be around people. We helped give him the strength to come out. He and Phil went on tour twice just to see as many of us as possible. He looks so genuinely happy to meet fans at conventions. He’s one of us, in so many ways, and I think he wants to empower us and make us feel like we belong. But I think it got to a point where he was letting himself burn to keep us warm, and he needed to back off for his own well-being and long-term growth as an individual. And as much as I miss him, I want to give him all the time he needs.

In the meantime, everything he’s done for us up until last year is part of us, and no one can take that away - not even Dan! Even if he never came back, even if he decided YouTube was too much and he couldn’t do it anymore, his words and the example he’s set is woven into the fabric of who we are now, and that is so incredibly important.

I strongly believe, even though we’ve never met, that Dan Howell wants me to be happy, whatever that means for me, and that he wants me to grab my existence’s reins and take my life wherever I want it to go, and that thought alone is enough to cheer me up. He wants that for you, too.

I hope this helps you feel a bit better, anon. :)

#anon #answered #dan discourse #tagging that just in case this discussion stresses anyone out #long post

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essaysbyciara · 5 years

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Thy Neighbor II: Lovin’ The Crew [Chapters 14 + 15]

[Prologue] [Chapters 1 + 2] [Chapters 3 + 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapters 7 + 8] [Chapters 9 + 10] [Chapters 11 + 12] [Chapter 13]

Peace, family!

Heads up: these chapters are somewhat long. Winston finally gets some attention! As always, thank you for the reads, likes, comments, messages and positive energy. Definitely wrapping this thing on up soon and that damn Yahya story too lol.

Peace and love!

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Hey, Ciara. It’s Winston…

She knows who you are already…

Hey, Ciara! Thinking about our car ride the other night, just wanted to …

Sounds like you’re asking her out again…

Hey, Ci!

Ci?!

Hey! Made a playlist of those songs we talked about the other night. Wanted to share. Praying for you during this midterm season.

Of course I’ll say I’m praying for her. That’s safe.

All Winston knows since his divorce is playing it safe.

Married at 24, he didn’t know much of anything else. Freshly married, Winston was on his way to finishing his Masters and thinking about his Doctorate. His wife was on her way to medical school with the goal of becoming a research pathologist. In fact, they pathed their entire lives. Degrees by 27. One child by 30, another by 32 and a move to the West Coast. They both wanted the sun that avoided them since birth.

But in the midst of following the game plan, they forgot about their true dreams. Medical school was the dream of her parents; she wanted to study music and dramatic arts, having done a play or two in college. He wanted to travel around the world as a missionary. They both felt tied down by the dreams of other people. They wanted off the path they created for themselves.

So they went rogue. She quit medical school and enrolled at Tisch School of the Arts. He started applying to missions and was accepted to travel to East Africa, to learn from the Ethopian Orthodox community. They were happy, their dreams were no longer deferred but as Winston planned his trip, he wanted his wife to join alongside him. Why do this alone? But that would stop her dream and with both of them unable to compromise, Winston left her to go fulfill what he felt was the mission of his life.

Skype and texts could only do so much. She fell in love with a fellow student. He started an emotional affair with another missionary. Winston was warned of such a thing before he left, thinking he’d never fall for that type. When he found himself upset that his missionary “friend” didn’t text him “good morning”, he knew himself to be caught up.

But when Winston returned home, he killed his affair. She hadn’t. He saw the Facebook messages, found some of her distraction’s clothes inside of their house. A condom in the trash can. He was done.

He blamed himself for pushing an agenda to be free, to break from the plan they had for themselves. He quit missionary work and enrolled back into NYU to finish his Masters. She, however, continued in the arts program and right next to her lover. She wouldn’t concede. Her dream was worth it. So Winston thought the marriage wasn’t worth it and he filed for divorce.

Since then, he’s dated but failed, always attracted to women who would fit inside of this perfect picture of his life. Medical students, PhD students; he tried to find someone that could replace his ex-wife. But then he had fears of his future wife living out her dreams only to find something -- and someone --- better. He felt disposable, like once she would find something new and better, she’d leave.

Ciara fits the narrative with her dreams of a Doctorate and her determination to change the world. However there is something about her dreams of finding the freedom in her faith, for pushing individuality, for being her despite the culture’s insistence that her freebird self was the problem that attracted him to her even more. She thinks about shaking the tables. She isn’t about straight and narrow, she is about doing what her heart feels is right. And she found peace in her heart within her studies, something Winston wish he felt.

And her hips swayed like the ocean when she walked, which Winston felt crash into his body every time he caught a glimpse of her walking throughout campus. Ciara stoked this lustful fire inside of Winston that he hadn’t felt in years. At first he believed all of his feelings to be wrong, writing Matthew 15:19 inside of his journal when some nights were rougher than others.

Winston saved all of his cursing for when Ciara left his car, letting out moan-laced expletives as he watched her walk up the steps into her apartment building. He wanted her in all the right and wrong ways, readjusting himself in the driver’s seat to allow some room for the growth he couldn’t control.

But after a cold shower and his bedtime devotional, his nerves -- and body parts -- calmed down. He gave himself some grace and prayed that night to not let those emotions motivate his actions. He’s seen many of his friends use the opportunity for sex as a reason to act like “good guys.”

Y’lan’s story was warning enough.

But to Winston, she’s unattainable. When he heard Y’lan say that he dated Ciara, he figured himself to be out of the game. Guys like Y’lan are cool and of the culture. They don’t look like church boys. They have one foot in the church and one in the streets. Winston was, in all ways, a nerd. A Bible-reading, Jesus-loving nerd. Ciara doesn’t go for those, he thought.

Sitting in U City Coffee, awaiting Y’lan’s arrival, Ciara doesn’t know what to think anymore. Her ice coffee dilutes as she ignores her caffeinated pick me up by scrolling through Trevante’s instagram to see if she can find “Meganne The Intern”. Ever since that night, Ciara can’t help but think that Trevante is continuing to sex another woman into a mess just like her.

Puzzle pieces start to come together in her mind: no wonder Tre held out for so long, becoming super affectionate and protective once they started having sex. She always knew deep-down that Trevante wouldn’t be able to handle her celibacy. Naivete increases thinking that a man who couldn’t keep his apartment empty if his life depended on it would be able to do such a thing for little ol’ her.

“Hey, Ciara. Sorry I’m late.” Ciara breaks her search to look up at Y’lan almost out of breath in her sight.

“Hey! It’s okay. You breathing hard like you ran here.”

“Yeah, my bad. Just played a quick pick up game with some kids. They damn near ran me off the court. I lost track of time.” Y’lan’s body ripples under his grey Nike sweatsuit. He’s not dressed for a meeting and Ciara’s growing sexual angst does not care one bit.

As Ciara walks up to the counter to buy a bottle of water for Y’lan, Y’lan works through his plot to confront Ciara about Trevante. Y’lan’s anger seethed from his pores listening to Trevante talk about Ciara as his future, as a woman that he’d want to settle down with. There is nothing settling about Trevante, Y’lan realizes. Having seen Tre at his worst at bars and hangouts, he knows him to be far from ready. Ciara would be up against the worst of them with Trevante. Y’lan doesn’t want her to get hurt. Again.

Ciara comes back with her aqueous libation for Y’lan. Sitting down in front of her laptop, she looks down to see a message from Winston. Her curiosity overflows until Y’lan breaks her concentration with a question.

“Before we get to this, can I ask you a question?”

Ciara knows exactly what’s about to happen.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

She knew this day was coming. Ciara stops mid-sip, her chest growing hotter by the millisecond. Dreading what’s about to happen, she feels the mercy in Y’lan asking about it first.

“What’s up, Y’lan?”

“So what’s up with you and Trevante?”

Ciara becomes unnerved at the lightweight aggressive way Y’lan asks his question. Y’lan didn’t enter the conversation gracefully and Ciara can tell that he has no plans on letting up. She adjusts her body in her chair, tilting her head to the left as her eyes squint toward Y’lan, trying to make sense of his tone.

“We’ve been kicking it for a minute. What’s good?” Ciara matches his energy and Y’lan feels the shift.

“Hey, I’m not trying to hem you up. I’m sorry if I came off that way. I just went to go see him a few days ago and he told me about y’all, that’s all.”

Ciara wonders if Y’lan told Trevante about their past. She suddenly feels every pipe within her burst. “Word? Cool.”

Ciara’s pretend nonchalance bothers Y’lan. Maybe she doesn’t care that Y’lan cares. Maybe Trevante found out in between then and now so her inaction to gain a reaction is valid. He decides to go for round two. He needs to know for sure.

“Does he know about us?”

“No disrespect, Y’lan, but you should be the last person to be checking me about what I do.”

Y’lan nods his head to fight the anger growing inside of him. “I’m not trying to be disrespectful, Ci. I promise you. I just … you do know that’s my friend, right? When we linked up to talk about it, it didn’t seem like he knew. And I didn’t want to be the one to tell him because, real talk, that ain’t my job.”

“I agree with you.” Maybe Ciara is done putting up a fight, he thinks. “I’ll tell him.”

“Bet, cool. Like I said, I ain’t mean to make it this big. I just...”

“Does it bother you, Y’lan?”

Y’lan’s mind claims that he’s protecting Ciara from inevitable heartbreak. Y’lan heart knows that he wishes he and Ciara could try once more to get it right. As the battle rages on between his heart and mind, Ciara’s pettiness rages inside of her body. Whatever emotions she possesses about her past with Y’lan are ready to be unleashed. She’s waiting for Y’lan to say just the right words.

“That y’all are together? Nah, not really.”

“You sure? Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying to you, Ci.”

“I mean, you did lie to my fucking face for a smooth year so I don’t know…”

Y’lan walked himself right into that response. He braces for the rest of what Ciara has coming his way.

“Yo, Ci. Don’t do that. I told you…”

“Told me what? You didn’t tell me anything. I found out after the fact that you didn’t want me. You showed me, you couldn’t tell me.”

“How can you say that I didn’t want you?”

“You left!” Ciara’s tears puddle inside of her eyes as she tries to hold back the scream that undercurrents her words. She exhales, closing her laptop with swift aggression. Y’lan’s body sinks into his chair, his mind taking a few more seconds to ponder what to say next.

“I know I can never really earn your trust after that, I know. I’m sorry. You met the worse iteration of me. I’m now a better person.”

“You know, I hate that shit. Why did I have to be a casualty of your growth as a person? I didn’t sign up to be a “lesson learned”, Y’lan. I wanted to be yours.”

“Do you still want to be?”

Ciara and Y’lan both pause at the question that escapes Y’lan’s lips before it could be stopped.

“Y’lan, I can’t… I’m not doing this with you.” Ciara shoves her laptop into her bag. Shuffling to find her keys, she looks down at her phone to see a text from Trevante.

Can I see you tonight before you leave for your trip?

Y’lan has his answer.

Taglist: @doublesidedscoobysnacks @diva-princess-on-fleek @voyagetoadinas9 @walkrightuptothesun @wvsspoppin @dreamlovealways @rockwit609 @thegayaxeman @joyfulwombatdreamermaker @blackpinup22 @hookedtoherfire @kris-did-it @l-auteuse @styleismyaddiction

#trevante rhodes x fanfiction #trevante rhodes #y'lan noel #winston duke #thy neighbor #fanfic

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alissamarietart · 6 years

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so today is my day off and aside from getting some button art done for an upcoming deadline, doing laundry, and trying to relax a bit, i want to finally begin the huge, daunting task that is....reshaping my tumblr dash to fit my current interests

one of the reasons i think i’ve been so inactive and not enjoying tumblr as much is that supernatural is no longer 90% of my fandom interests/energy, but my dash is still about 90% supernatural. do i still enjoy the show? yes. is it still my main fandom obsession? no. i’m not as invested as keeping up with all the latest news of trailers, conventions, etc, and making sure i watch every ep when it airs and reading meta the second it’s written.

but reshaping my dash is a huge, daunting task considering i follow well over 600 blogs. and it’s not trying to trim my dash of supernatural that i need to do to make it more enjoyable, but also of blogs that have started to regularly post content that contribute to my already overwhelming feelings of stress and anxiety. yes, politics are important, but when you have an anxiety disorder and you’re bombarded with constant politics being posted in the form of fear tactics at every second of every day on every social media platform you’re on...it starts becoming less of “it’s useful to be informed” and more “this is becoming mentally and emotionally unhealthy to the extend that i’m becoming physically exhausted as well.” and i work outdoors in like, 90 degree heat every day so i’m already physically exhausted enough as well.

so today i’m going to start making a bit of headway on reshaping my dash to fit my current interests and hopefully make tumblr a social media platform i actually enjoy and want to be active on again.

i plan on trimming the spn blogs i follow down to friends, and people who create their own content. basically, just the “fandom essentials.” yeah reblogging things is a very important part of contributing to fandom, otherwise creators are basically just screaming into a void, but, i really need to cut back on spn and go down to “just the basics” so to speak. i’ll be weeding out inactive spn blogs, blogs that are spn reblogs and not run by people i consider friends, blogs that are mostly spn negativity, etc. and just weeding out blogs that have switched to content i just don’t otherwise follow or have interest in, or that have start mostly posting content that contributes to my stress and anxiety.

and then hopefully reform my dash to reflect my wider variety of current interests more and make things more enjoyable.

anyway, sorry for the long post but y’all know how i gotta keep you all updated LOL.

i have lost a lot of followers since i stopped being mostly an spn-only blog, but i do deeply thank the 6k+ of you that have still stuck around! i’ve avoided this task for so long because i felt obligated to continue being mainly an spn blog because it’s how i gained like, probably 80% of my followers, and i felt like i owed to everyone to stay mainly an spn blog. but. i just can’t do it anymore. even if i lose way more followers, it will be worth it to create a better tumblr experience for me and actually be able to enjoy this site again, and i completely understand if people aren’t interested in how my blog will be changing and unfollow due to lack of spn content. you aren’t obligated to stick around if my blog no longer interests you and i totally understand. <3

anyway, i just had to get this all of my chest lol.

take care everyone <3

#alissa says things #long post for ts /

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survivorinternational · 5 years

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Episode 1 - "You are an evil psychopath... but I kinda dig it." - Veni

STEPHENS BACK

I love love how these tribes are split up but I’m kind of nervous about playing with people I’ve played other things with before! There was only one person I didn’t already have added and that is Daniel. I’m just going to try to stay on everyone’s good side and maybe try to get close with everyone? I think that we are going to have a strong tribe so that’s a plus!

Israel is not in Europe

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So since this is "International" I decided to call everyone in our tribe be either their home country or town. So Clash is Richmond. Vilma is Oulu. Ginger is Israel. Allan is Scotland. I have yet to talk to Latvia but they appear as a very busy person. So it's Day 2 right now and I have just woken up. Me and Oulu stayed up 'till 6 AM last night just talking and chilling. I really like her so I hope we can make it far. I also like Richmond because that is a cool name so we established a 3-person group. Richmond insists on repeating F3 every 5 minutes which is pretty scary but I'll just disregard it for now. I am enjoying the diversity of our cast, proud to be a European seeing as the other tribes are basically just Australia and just USA. Right now I'll try to put some work into this flag I guess since nobody has taken initiative.

So its off to a relatively good start, I’ve talked with 3 other tribe members and they seem pretty cool, i got a good rapport with Tyler and Jacob especially. They also had good input into the challenge to so, yay. The other to however haven’t spoken, and we can’t blame time zones cause their like, at most an hour seperate. Be careful Sluggyg and Dylan, we lose a challenge we’ll be looking at you. I’m not gonna pm them first though, trying not to come off too needy yet, I’ll give at least some pretense of not being absolutely bonkers.

Good lookin. Nah jk. So I have to admit I was a late bloomer in terms of speaking in the group chat and I conveniently missed the people I didn't know - Tyler, Dean. I have a history with Jacob and I know Michael from a previous community so I have hit the ground running with the idea of sticking together but nothings too solidified yet so hopefully in a bit I'll find myself in a majority! The only thing Stephen said to me so far is "heyo" and "ya I teach english", so..

Ok so Hi. I hate u all why am i here. Im nervous cause im out here trying not ti be the first boot and have to have my dog comfort me while i cry to sleep. Literally shaking in slides. Everyones a bit of a hoot, all male tribe! Wowee. Just going be pals with all these kiddies. Although the flag they made is literal trash, ill be nice :)

hey boys time for my first confession that will be longer than it should be and not entertaining in the slightest so the cast reveal was interesting! i wasn’t expecting many familiar faces at all, maybe like one or two people i sort of know of. but when i saw ruthie and randy, i was honestly relieved. ruthie and i have always been good allies together in games and i love her a lot. she’s loyal and funny and smart. just overall wonderful person to play with and i’m really happy to have her here. also, seeing randy was so good too. honestly i know he has a ~rEp~ for being not the greatest, but i don’t particularly care. i feel like we’re going to get along really well in this game. the only thing that annoys me is that him talking to me at first was all like, “oh emily you’re so a good player i love you please don’t vote me out get me to merge xo” like he was purposefully inflating my ego because....... people generally think i have a big ego. and a year ago, yeah i definitely did. that’s why i lost both of my last two main season games. my ego got in the way and i got too confident, too cutthroat, too rude, too self absorbed. and so much has happened in my life, i’ve been taken down a few notches and the last thing i want is for people to think i’m a narcissist. i’ve worked on myself a lot and it’s just sad to see people treating me like this like they think it’ll guarantee me wanting to work with them. sigh. anyway, continuing with the other people: my skype app will NOT give me notifications when daniel or patrick send me messages and it’s frustrating me high key because they’ll respond two minutes after i send a message and i won’t see it for hours, even if i check the chat. new skype is ruining my social game yeah! but in general pat and daniel seem cool. only person i’m weary of is liana! i didn’t realize at first, but she’s married to chips who....... hates me LMAO! i’ve never played a game with her so here’s to hoping she doesn’t have an idea of me in her head already. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ other tribe comments: i saw vilma in a game for the first time like well over a year ago and was like i am in LOVE with her and i want to MARRY her. she’s so pretty and seems so funny and when we’re on the same tribe we WILL be best friends and if we’re not i’m THROWING HANDS!!! it has to happen. has to! i don’t think i recognizes literally anyone else? everyone is pretty much unfamiliar to me. so how i’m feeling right now: randy is really good at making flags! and confident that we’ll pull through with reward tbh. like he’s very talented. i’m gonna put together a makeshift flag too just in case it’s ugly and also to show that i’m active and here and contributing, but i doubt it’s going to be bad. and also it’s only reward! if we don’t win, i don’t mind it that much. my fear is that we end up going to tribal the first round! i don’t know how strong this tribe is in terms of challenges. i don’t know anything about liana, daniel, or patrick. i don’t remember anything about randy or ruthie when it comes to challenges either. so we’ll have to see! daniel told me he played on discord so he’s probably used to more text based challenges or flash games, which is very helpful because i’m bad at both. but from my experience, typical tumblr challenges are far different from typical discord challenges. yeah. also, randy and i shared our idol guesses and both found nothing. i went around camp -> shelter -> on top -> nothing and he went around camp -> treemail -> (uhhh something i already forgot lol) -> nothing. i’m gonna share mine with him every round as like a trust thing. idk if he’ll tell me the truth but i’ll tell him the truth! idc honestly! :p okay end of this long confession i hope you had fun reading if you read this far give me an idol clue xoxo emily (dennis remember in mongolia when i told you the exile idol was under a girl’s name) (i’m sorry)

So the reward challenge is a flag making challenge. I hate a lot of the things, but I am taking a step back since I have been told I can be controlling in the tribe stages when it comes to challenges. So I want to see how well the tribe performs without me stepping in.

Day one thoughs: Yes!!! A tribe full of people with similar time zones. Jacob and Sluggy are here, nice. UHC alliance has already been suggested... not sure how to feel. Talked to all other tribe members. Everyone seems nice... dont quite trust Tyler yet... seems shifty Reward challenge: Not a fan of original design. Spent a bit of time working on another design... which i had more time to make it better. Seems to be good enough, will see what tribe says. Idol search round one: nothing

me: so yeah just send me your image so I can do all the work and make the flag everyone: (by the way these confessionals will be over the top and not express my true true feelings, i.e. I'm exaggerating everything)

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The plan is to kill people with kindness! I really don't plan on winning but i'd love to if I am able to. I just hope I stay long enough to talk to most. My two closest friends are Richmond and Oulu. Oulu is super nice and we talk often so that is cool ----------

Oh lord I am actually exuding so much time in this survivor good thing it is summer geez

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Ginger spoiled 2 survivor seasons in the same message I am crying :(

So i finally got to talk to everyone on the tribe. Tyler seems rlly friendly and talkative which kinda draws me towards him. Stephen is more analytical and observant... Dean is just the passive, looks on and watches kinda guy. Both Stephen and Dean want to be or are writers so. One thing great about working with Stephen would be someone people target as a strategic threat instead of me - but I don't know if I'll be able to work well with him atm...

Okay I was gonna wait until after the immunity challenge to do my first confessional but I am DYING. So Veni is making our flag (which honestly I'm not too sure about but I'm awful at art so I can't really say anything) and he asks for pictures to use in it. So I send him a picture of me sitting on a throne, which I took at a bar near me. and this bitch..... Goes "It's like ghetto Game of Thrones, I love it!" BITCH!? Ghetto? Honestly this guy needs to take it down a notch because he's trying way too hard to take control of the reward challenge and is being super bossy and I think people aren't gonna take that for much longer.

As for the first day of this season I’m loving it so far. Loving the activity and positivity in our tribe and people here are very friendly. Already have started conversation with Clash, Vilma and Ginger. Trying to develop early relationships that will be necessary for the rest of the game. Just need to show activity in tribe chat so my tribe mates not see me as an inactive player because inactive players are usually the first one out.

So we won the reward challenge and we get a firemaking kit, and inside there's an immunity idol clue. Jacob and Stephen both get it, and Jacob told me it was hidden at the beach. I have no clue if he is lying or not, but if he isn't it means God was right to tell me yesterday that it is at the beach. Now i just need to be the first one to search the next time around.

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So talking with Stephen, he seems to say the word "snazzy" a lot, so I've nocknemaed

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Oops i didn't finish...I nicknamed him "snazzy Stephen". What's Snazzy Stephen gonna call snazzy today!?

So we won the reward challenge! Great. The morale seems fairly high amongst our tribe. I've had conversations with pretty much everyone in some way. No talk of strategy or alliances have begun, from what I'm aware. I hope we win this challenge, because I feel good about this tribe.

I mean, can I not flop this first challenge ? I feel like this tribe is a very good mix of people, chemistry is there so now we just need not to be total failures ! hehe

After all the bonding I love this tribe, Dean is a lot more reserved than the rest of the tribe and hasn't approached me yet, but everyone else has talked. I've got a nice alliance with Michael and Sluggy, as well as some trust with Tyler and Stephen. After Michael won us the firemaking challenge I found the idol clue. Once everyone has used their firemaking advantage, I'll decide who I share the clue with. So far I have told Sluggy and then Stephen got the clue. All Giraffes Deserve Kisses.

Usually I wouldn’t mind going to the first tribal, but with 6 people all it takes is one misstep to be the target, and I don’t want to risk that. That being said if it does come down to that i think Jacob, Tyler and I will stick together, all we need is one more than that.

looking over the whole cast, I realised I know Dani & Sluggy from other survivors that's cool

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I got 30 point something seconds like 3 times I hate fairdyne

So basically I've talking quite a bit with Emily and Randy, they're great people. Overall people are super nice, it's awesome! The Ala Mai flag winning is bullshit though what kind of judges were those? I'd have been fine with Faatasi winning, that's a nice flag, but Ala Mai's was ugly af sorry bros

So, Emily and I are working together to try to find the idol! Which is exciting, hopefully one of us will find it. If I do I’m pretty sure I’ll tell her because it will show that I trust her?!! I talk to her and Randy the most on our tribe and I really don’t know where I stand with everyone else

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i got a big fat 0 for the team but I’m glad our tribe won! Everyone else did great. Hopefully no one points out how weak I was in the challenge. I’m going to savannah for the night tomorrow so I’m glad not to worry about tribal council while I’m out of town! Yay for not being the first boot!

ok see I am here to win but I got ginger on my tribe!! we love us a good ol rival so yeah even though he's acting fake and said he wants work with me I can't trust him with that I have built a good connection with Veni and Vilma and hope they will stay loyal as well. I am worried about the tribal as my score was bad but lets hope for the best

Right. So we’ve just won the immunity challenge but all the rats on my team did well so it doesn’t give us an easy target for any upcoming tribals. I got some T from Michael letting me know that both Jacob and Dean found the clue to the hidden immunity idol and they told him but not me. First off rude considering I told Jacob I’d tell him if I found it. I’m in an uncomfortable situation already on this tribe, I feel like i don’t have as strong of connections as everyone else and it’s scaring me. All I need is two friends to guarantee my safety and it’s looking like those friends will be Michael and The kid from Singapore (don’t remember his name oops). This season feels different, I usually feel powerful but Rn I feel like I’m having to push to navigate my way into relationships with people. Also some of these guys on my drive give off the arrogant and cocky vibe and I hate it.

Only one in my tribe to win a challenge, got the r/ultrahardcore alliance, everyone knows the idol clue because Michael got looser lips than Mia Khalifa.

I *think* we're voting Emils? I mean he's been the least active and from I've been told he has not talked to people much (including me) so. I hope it goes well. Usually I am pretty calm in the survivors I play but goddamn I am paranoid. Maybe since I am enjoying myself so much so I don't want to go yet?

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Logically I won't be voted out here, right? I've talked to basically everyone a fair bit, I did the whole flag and I got 2/2 possible points. I'm safe.. right?

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Here is veni's power rankings of the people in my tribe: 1. Oulu 2. Tel Aviv 3. Richmond 4. Allan 5. Emils

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So I re-read my Fairy Survivor S2 stuff I wrote pre-game and goddamn if I am not a broken record. I am basically doing the same thing this time I love it lol. I do hope the experience I got in the year and a half between those has taught me valuable lessons.

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Tel Aviv has really high gamesense and sense of strategy. We both discussed how important it is to have that one loyal person to win. I hope he implies I am his. For me it's Oulu I think

Okay so the first round is almost over. Thankfully my tribe was able to win immunity because I am not ready for tribal that's for sure! These small tribes freak me out. But...if we do end up going to tribal I am ready because I FOUND AN IDOL! I'm a little skeptical because it was way too easy and so I'm scared everyone has an idol but we shall see. I'm really terrible at games in the beginning because I hate awkward small talk so I was definitely scared of tribal. I'm not in any alliances yet but hopefully that is because it is still early. I'm trying to prove myself an asset and I was glad I did great at that shark game. It was very challenging to play because I had my baby smashing my keyboard or mouse and closing out of the game in the middle of playing, ahhaha.

Day 2: Won Reward challenge!! WOOT!! All that effort wasn't for naught. The /r/ultrahardcore alliance was made between Sluggy, Jacob and myself... Im not sure how I feel about this. Immunity challenge announced, Flash games while I'm at work. FUCK FLAPPY BIRD I can do this Hextris and Shark game... I will submit one of these. Fire lighting challenge, I fail at striking a light. Sluggy and Jacob tell me that Jacob has an Idol Clue, it is apparently on the beach. Continue my chats with everyone. Dean also tells me about the Idol clue, either its on the beach and people trust me or there is an alliance that is fabricating stories. Work out everyone but Tyler knows about the clue so I tell him Gained Tyler's trust End day 2 Day 3: We win Immunity, YES!!! I spent the day continuing to build relationships. Mention to Jacob the Tyler doesnt think he likes him and to win Tyler's trust Jacob told Tyler about the clue, but it seems to only further distrust as he waited so long to tell him about it. This could have made Tyler distrust me more as well... Working with Jacob could be dangerous down the line. /r/UHC needs a 4th... Dean and Tyler's names are suggested. Trash talk hosts in tribe chat all day. Im worried my chattiness may put a target on my back, will need to be careful. End Day 3

I’m loving my tribe and our female avatar presence. Whoever is rob Mariano I kind of want to vote out though. I’m super glad we won immunity and I don’t have to try super hard to be chatty. Loving the format so far

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HI I'M VILMA AND I'M VERY EXCITED TO PLAY I also suck at making confessionals because they take a lot of effort for my Finnish speaking ass so I like to just copy bits from my host chat, be prepared Right off the bat I was confused because I didn't get cast with anyone I would've played with before. I recognized a few familiar faces but most people I have no frame of reference for. This meant I couldn't rely on riding with any pre game relationships and I had to actually socialize with people. Thank god we didn't have a one world phase this time around so I only had to keep up with five other people! Clash playing hard right off the bat I specced his season so I know he was a big moves type of guy haha I wanna make sure I'm on his good side My tribe is very active But I'm Very Scared Of The Zwooper People They tend to be crazy And I'm not about that crazy life at all I CAN'T EVEN WITH VENI WHERE DOES HE GET ALL HIS JOKES FROM I LOVE HIM Alright I think Veni and I are the only ones left awake And He is my favorite I've talked to everyone except the Latvian guy or was he Lithuanian THE BALTIC GUY Ginger and Clash both seem like people I need to be wary of Power players for sure, and good socially And according to Clash they have bad blood from previous games So I can see them targetting each other if we go to tribal And Clash already made a three way alliance between myself him and Veni Which I'm okay with, as of now Veni I definitely want to work with And I prefer staying on good terms with Clash Allan I have neutral feelings towards, only talked to him a bit so far But I stan the Europe tribe I just can't keep up with multiple convos at once so it's been super confusing Already shared my idol guesses with Veni and Clash I think I'm the only girl on my tribe Not a big fan of that fact Really wanted to play with Emily I hope we both make it to a swap so I could meet her Chatting with these people I've started to realize how much I abuse caps lock and exclamation points It's a really bad habit Should probably tone it down, everyone must be thinking I'm screaming at them constantly I'm playing so different compared to how I usually play I usually never initiate convos And try to step up as little as possible While still being friendly with everyone But now I've been very social It's weird Feels like I'm harassing everyone ... Unfortunately, we lost the first immunity challenge ... YIKES I'M GOING TO BE THE FIRST BOOT CALLING IT NOW HOW TF DID THEY GET 6 MILLION I think Emils might be the target Which I'm okay with since he seems to only be online a bit in the evenings Everyone knows I hate losing challenges so I want active people He seems really nice though, but seems like everyone has talked to him the least Clash told me that him and Ginger have decided to leave their past behind so I guess they're not going to target each other just yet I'm glad he's telling me this though it makes me trust him a bit more But I'll still keep my eye on both of them _ Ok hi I'm checking in about an hour before tribal and as far as I know Emils should be going home tonight. It's been super quiet around camp though and it makes me feel paranoid, but I hope it'll be an easy first vote. Veni wants me to make a chat with him and Ginger so we could solidify we make it through next round if we end up having to go to tribal again. My issue is I think Clash and Ginger are closer than they seem and I'm scared if we made a chat without Clash and he found out about it he could become angry. That's why i'd rather it to be a four-way chat between me, Veni, Clash and Ginger but we shall see what happens in the next few hours I guess.

Okay that went perfectly. Ngl when Ginger was like "someone doesn't know it's them tonight" I FREAKED. Then my name gets written down at tribal and I was like ????. I mean luckily it wasn't me but god that was scary. I really hope we win this next immunity I can't deal with that stress rn lmao. I also have no clue who I'd vote out. Also in other news, Chase is cute af! I'm gonna be so embarrassed when he leaves and is able to read this but it's true. I definitely wanna keep him around for a bit lmao.

jesus christ ginger you are an evil psychopath.. but I kinda dig it

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also I am mostly done with location based names.. for now

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