#someone ones tried to tell me I'm not trans because I shave

[doberbutts]

It was a year or two ago some annoying terf was harassing me because I'm a terrible evil trans man beguiling and leading gay men astray with my gross vagina or whatever

And at some point how women are born with vaginas and men are born with penises and that was that

And I replied 'what about those who are born into the space inbetween? Women with psuedo-penises? Testicles where ovaries should be? Naturally higher testosterone? Facial and body hair?'

And naturally she screeched about how I was an evil tra who throws intersex people under the bus when intersex people have asked to be left out of this conversation.

But the problem is... I was talking about MYSELF. If you're going to forcibly label me a woman because I was born with a vagina, I'm going to require you to tell me what your definition of "woman" is that doesn't inherently exclude me from being ABLE to be labeled such.

A woman is someone born with a vagina, ovaries, and a uterus? And never with testes, prostate, and penis? Well I have a little of column A and a little of column B and that is without any amount of surgery or medical procedure.

A woman is someone whose endocrine system is estrogen-dominant? Sorry, that's never been me, I've always had higher testosterone than estrogen even before I went on T.

A woman doesn't need to shave her face? My beard predates my HRT. Doesn't have an adam's apple? I've had one since puberty. Cannot penetrate a partner without the help of a toy? Can and have. Body capable of creating new life? I've got it on pretty good authority that I've been infertile since the day I was born and that if I did somehow manage to get pregnant the fetus likely would never be viable anyway.

Doctors are sure she's a female baby the moment she comes out? Well considering my name was almost Jon Roger before the doctor realized he needed to take a second glance...

Has XX chromosomes? Well since I figured out this year that I for sure am intersex I do actually know my chromosomes now... but I didn't before. XY babies with my condition usually just die and those who do survive aren't intersex so I have to be XX since I made it to 30 without dying (I mean I tried real hard tho) without medical intervention. But if we're basing it on just XX or XY then you still have to put forth the effort of figuring out where you sort all the other possible configurations such as XY babies that look identical to XX babies and were often not caught until something was medically wrong with them that required a deeper look than just what was on the surface.

[cordycepsfem]

Pageboy - Let's Do This Thing

In keeping with my brand of, well, Ellen-posting, since my name is Ellie, I thought I'd continue Ellen-posting by reading a book by someone who used to be named Ellen and doing a review of said book for radblr. I'm going to break it up into chunks so you're not faced with giant posts of me rambling or EP rambling.

I would like to say that I feel like there are very few 30-somethings who should be writing memoirs. I've had a pretty exciting thirty-ish years on the planet and I don't think I'm qualified to write a memoir - not because it wouldn't be full of interesting, beautiful, life-changing, sometimes horrible things but because I'm only thirty-ish. I prefer memoirs by people who've lived a bit longer - but again, this is only my preference. I don't read a lot of memoirs as a whole, I guess.

Anyway.

Ellie's Read and Review of Pageboy (Part One)

Author's Note

EP is "grateful and terrified" because trans people "face increasing physical violence" and "our humanity is regularly 'debated' in the media" (citations not given)

the book would not have been written without the "health care" she received, which seems weird because what she describes in the first paragraph about not being able to write seems like ADHD and instead of taking Adderall and being seen by a therapist she took testosterone and had her breasts surgically removed

quotes Leslie Feinberg who, among other things, was a very serious pronoun enthusiast (as evident by Feinberg's Wikipedia page, no I'm not being sarcastic here, just go read it and tell me I'm not wrong)

I want to be a jackass about the last paragraph of the author's note but even I don't have it in me, because it makes sense and is kind.

Chapter One

EP meets someone named Paula and falls in love with her and they do mushrooms together

She thinks about Paula on her trip through Europe

They go to a gay bar

This line hit far harder than it had any right to:

She kisses Paula and it's marvelous

Chapter Two

The Village Voice writes a shitty article about EP calling her a "dyke" after Juno comes out

which is a name she was called many times growing up in Canada

EP played soccer and once went to a tournament in a town I would visit some twenty-odd years later for very different reasons

this is important because she rooms with a girl she has a crush on

she tries to come out to this girl as bisexual

the girl says "no you're not" and then her friends make fun of EP

I learn that Tim Horton's has bagels, which confuses me but is in fact true

EP's grandmother asks her father what they're going to do if it turns out EP is gay

the lines in this chapter that punched me in the chest:

because fuck yeah I was a fucked up kid who didn't plan to live much beyond age 18, EP, I see you

fame is not what EP thought it might be; she doesn't want to wear a dress to things but somehow they tell her she has to and she isn't allowed to say no (which I get, and is not great, but eventually you need to be able to say no and do what you want)

another magazine in Canada asks if she's gay

Paula from Chapter One is seen with her and it's speculated they're in a relationship; Paula's not out to her family and so things are all very sad and EP feels like she will never be free to be who she is

At this point I am just sad. I came out later in my life (22), and was diagnosed with gender dysphoria much later (33), but at age 12 after a lifetime of wearing dresses and having my hair the way my mother wanted it, I stopped letting that happen. I started to wear what I want. I grew out my hair. I learned about makeup and shaving and for a little bit bought into it and then said "fuck no," which I continue to do to this day because it's bullshit.

Who in EP's life thought it wasn't okay for her to wear pants, and why didn't she or someone else stop them? I've obviously never been a famous actor but as an actor aren't you the person in charge of what happens to your image? Why wasn't her publicist or her agent on her side?

I had a lot of good people in my life who made me believe in a future for myself. Sometimes they had to carry me physically through what was happening to make sure I made it to that future, and I'm here today because those people didn't give up on me. Where were those people in EP's life?

There are things about the EP situation that make me bow in over my ribcage. It's just sad, and seeing paths others take that look like they make sense to everyone but which seem to say something entirely different when looked at upside down... which is a rambling way of saying that it's almost 4 am and someone should have told EP she could have been a happy lesbian who wears pants without having her breasts surgically removed and taking cross-sex hormones.

Anyway, the laundry's done, more later.

#ellie's EP posting #pageboy readthrough #radical feminism #terfs do touch #radblr

[velocitic]

something on my mind lately that i'm not sure entirely how to phrase is like - this is mostly targeted at white trans influencer types, but i find something very grating on the kind of body negativity posting i see in relation to dealing with body dysmorphia. now, body dysmorphia/dysphoria are something that anyone can experience, and not everyone does, and it's different for different people. however, i take issue with the content made around learning how to "pass" by hiding your body, and specifically the language used for it. primarily i see this around "wide hips", and i do see the need and/or want for clothing tips that help people feel comfortable in their bodies, and i don't think there is anything intrinsically wrong with this content's primary goal. however, as trans owned/focused fashion brands are becoming more in number, i'm finding that the representatives i am seeing for these brands are overwhelmingly white, skinny, transmasc individuals. and the language used to market their products is one that is, i think, meant to be addressing dysphoria, but it comes across to me as a narrowly defined negative view. as someone with a larger chest and a larger/stockier frame, all of the tips about "hiding" my wider hips can do nothing tangible for my appearance. you cannot hide genuinely large/noticeable features of your body; trust me, i've tried for years to do so, and sometimes i still try in vain to wear the straight jeans and the special cut tee shirts, and it just leaves me feeling worse because i am not the target audience of these tips. i am not skinny. i also do not think i subscribe to this belief that wide hips are a "dead giveaway" that will prevent you from passing; i think that (and other such beliefs) honestly is rooted in bioessentialist beliefs that i wish we would all unpack and be a lot better off without.

it is not to say that skinny trans people's issues with their bodies are not valid or not okay to talk about. but i do think that rebranding body negativity into the language of progressive thought is unfair and cruel whether it is shaving razor ads telling women that they are beautiful no matter what but that doesn't mean stop shaving, or if it is a skinny, flat chested, white trans person telling me that all trans people are wonderful but more importantly how much their wide hips bother them - and how a product can "fix" both of these issues.

and how am i meant to feel about this whole thing, anyway? if this skinny person's hips are too wide, then what the hell is wrong with me? there is inherent comparison in self hate. putting yourself down will only lead to holding bias against those who are "worse" than you (whether you're aware of it or not) & broadcasting to all the other people with the feature you hate about yourself are surely also ugly or inferior in the same way you believe yourself to be. i don't think body dysmorphia should not be talked about. i do think that talking about it in the language of product placement and brand marketing is doomed from the start. when a skinny person says that their hips are too wide, their jaw is too soft, they hate their nose and with a chest like theirs they'll never pass, i earnestly have no idea what to possibly say, because in their self hate they have entirely vilified me. i am short and stocky with muscle and my jaw is soft and i have acne and wide hips and a large chest. how am i meant to feel safe with those who believe my features to be their worst nightmare? how can i build community with you when i can imagine how you preen in the mirror over your 110 lb build and how awful it is?

this is what is meant when we talk about self love as a form of resistance. you cannot expect to be a safe person as long as you hate yourself for being human.

#and i think there's a lot to add here and a lot of caveats too #bc you're not like. a bad person bc of body image issues #i certainly have my fair share #but instead of focusing on fixing my problem (read: lose a shit ton of weight and become conventionally attractive) #i am choosing that i want to be a safe person that others can feel comfortable with. #and to do that i know i cannot be hypocritical in how i speak about myself #there are many ways of coping with and handling body image issues that do not involve Buying Products To Hide Your Body #one that helps me is that trying clothes on in the store made me breakdown #so i dont do that anymore #i get a good solid understanding of my size at home #and learn how to take the measurements and eyeball if something will fit me #and i go to stores and buy clothes based on that and i dont try them on #if they dont fit in my own room i can be a lot kinder to myself than if they dont fit at the mall #and i can return them or alter them or give them away #long post #body img// #ask to tag #just. could say so much more on this topic but ywah im fed up with it #love yourselves now this is not a request. at the very least stop allowing yourself to hate yourself #easier said than done yes yes but doable nonetheless #and i mean it about being safe for others. i do not like talking about my own struggles with skinny people bc i do not trust #them to be safe people that understand where i'm coming from. i wish it was not that way #but it is. and maybe it would be different if i was speaking to a skinny person that was body positive for themselves and others #and it is and has been. but often that is not the case

[thedysphoriadiaries]

Entry 35 - It's Only Smiles - 24 March 2023, 11:51pm

Two broken hearts and a soul confused about what it wants to be.

That's what I've personally done to the one I loved, if you can even call it love.

I caught a glimpse of what she'd be like, in the mirror today, when I did that biweekly ritual of shaving my facial hair and legs. That mirror was small enough for me to just be able to see my mouth, down to my chest. My hair fell from my head, down to my shoulders, in a style that was rather non-existent, though I'd describe it as poofy (just the style I'd like it to be in, like another girl I know of).

I smiled at the thought that getting the tips of my hair into my mouth as I ate or drank was something that every girl would have gone through at least once when growing their hair out, before feeling how my hair has started making its way down my back. It felt like... me, somehow.

It's these days where every fiber of my being screams at me that it's not the path for me to take. That it's somewhat normal to not want to be a guy. That the feelings of envy could be chocked up to other things like sexual attraction.

... TMI time.

The sex was okay. But after a while, it wasn't enough. There was still something deeper that went unsatisfied. I lost sight of what even prompted me to relieve my own needs (other than the fact that I got her off). In fact, I don't know why I said I wanted to be my partner, though a part of it had to do with her physical features.

A painful reminder of that just happened a couple days ago, and all it took was a single glance at her profile picture on Telegram.

I still remember when I put my first skirt on. I remarked at how I looked like my mother (who happens to be about my size, but shorter), as I looked at my own reflection in the black-stained glass wardrobe door at a mutual friend's place. I got that mutual friend to try out female pronouns, and, even though I could tell it took them a bit of effort, they at least tried to do it instead of brushing it off.

Honestly, it felt great, being referred to as a girl, and not in the sexual way. I don't know why. It could be due to a part of myself finally being allowed to be expressed, or that I'm finally allowed to touch something - that being femininity - I've never been able to do for my entire life, due to the way I was born. Maybe I hate being a guy so much that I somehow psyched myself into wanting to be a girl because, from my observations over the past 13 years, they did have a better life, or at least, a life that I would want for myself.

It doesn't feel so great now. Being called a she feels like I'm reaching for something out of reach, or that I'm masquerading as somebody I'm not. Yet, being called he/him somewhat feels like I'm resigning myself to an easier way out. It feels like someone sees through me, into that part of me that I will never be able to deny. That part that knows that I was a guy.

As if I could be anything but, even if I don't want it.

...

i need C18H24O2

That happens to be my username on a certain gaming platform now. There's also that fact that I play a trans character (Catalyst, from Apex Legends), and I sometimes joke about how I'd main her so hard that I'd start taking estrogen. It's all part of a huge joke at my own situation - someone who doesn't want to be a man but is too scared to be anything else, even if it makes me happier, or at least less sad.

It pokes fun at how I want to be a girl, but am too scared to do anything about it, or how I'm too busy crapping all over myself and trying to be a guy (not to mention looking at detransition stories to find out if I resonate with those who felt transitioning was a mistake), to even do anything more than speaking to other trans people around me.

Even now, I don't know how concrete my wants are.

I don't know if I even want them.

Hell, I don't even know what I don't want anymore. I just live in a swirl of confusion and anger (in case that isn't already immediately obvious).

A part of me wants to stop envying the girls around me, but I don't know if radical acceptance is enough, given that I'll have to sink myself pretty deep into my hobbies and therapy to ensure that I'm still somewhat stable. A few bullets to my head could stop this. Forever. A whole gamut of SSRIs could help with that too, but I don't know how I'm going to get my hands on them.

Yet, I still know that there's still that hanging question over my head.

What if things went the other way, and I actually tried to do something about it?

I don't know how to answer it. If I do find out that I prefer being a girl, and that it helps my mental state, I'd be glad, and worry about things like passing, or whatnot. I could also be a guy who just needs to take estrogen for his mental health.

Or, it could just have been a mistake, like everything else in my life is, sometimes.

...

I now know why the right wing is so persuasive to me.

It feeds into my fear and self-directed anger.

Bodily mutilation clinics. Grooming. Drag.

Those are things I hear from right wing speakers like Matt Walsh. I almost believe them, the same way I see people who talk about things like feminism and other polarizing topics get, for lack of a better word, owned, on talk shows.

Even after noting that either the people who appear on media aren't the best examples of the community they represent, or that the respective forms of media that they are on are out to get said representatives, I almost believe the right wing.

Almost.

Then again, aren't those things true? If I made a mistake, I'd have done something nigh-irreversible to my own body. One which would require expensive surgeries to re-correct. I'd have wasted time. I could be deluding myself into thinking that I could be anything other than a guy.

And those fears are why I'm so scared of this entire potential prognosis. I could have developed breasts by that time, only to find out much later that I didn't want them (yes, I read this experience from someone who detransitioned).

It's these feelings that really make me wish I was normal, even though I don't know what normal is. After all, if I was a cis guy, I wouldn't recognize myself.

I wouldn't recognize a version of me that was fine with his masculinity. The foreign-ness of not envying girls is so apparent that I'm not even sure how cis guy me would be like. But yet, I'm stuck with this body, and I don't know where to go from here.

Either way things go, whatever I do, I will not spend my life chasing the façade of something that I want for myself.

That is the least I can promise myself. It is the least I must at least promise for myself.

Until then, I suppose I'll smile, for others. And maybe, let the girl inside smile as I slowly become her, as she recognizes more and more of her in the mirror.

But even that feels so far away.

...

cool song time (mostly stuff i relate to)

#Spotify

[augustine-orlov]

this is kinda regarding the last post kinda but ANOTHER THING - stop shaming people whatever they shave (or chose not to) certain body parts, it’s none of yer fucking business.

#kuki.txt #someone ones tried to tell me I'm not trans because I shave #like BRUH body hair and my autism don't always go to together #also stop telling trans women they must shave wtf??? why are cis women allowed to have body hair but not trans #like don't shame people for shit that isn't your business

[gravegroves]

Billy survives. And life gets better. Life gets better in ways Billy couldn't ever have imagined before, but as is usually the way for people like him of course it's all too good to be true.

The blackouts aren't bad in the beginning. He's losing time, sure, but only minutes at the most and there's a huge part of him that refuses to believe it's anything to be worried about. He doesn't even tell Steve it's happening. Why would he? Nothing's wrong. Then one day Steve finds him collapsed in the kitchen with blood coming out of his ears and shit gets serious real fucking quick.

There are scans and tests and they find the source pretty damn quickly all things considered. Dr Owens is kind enough to explain it to him in terms that make sense.

The mindflayer.

It isn't gone. It's hibernating. Probably waiting for the gate to open again so it can continue where it left off. They'd missed it the first time around because it hadn't been bigger than the tip of a pencil. Dr Owens points at the ghostly lines that make up Billy's brain, right at an innocent little dot hiding as deeply into Billy's head as it could possibly get and tells him it's now the size of a pea.

Even if the gate stayed closed forever (and that's a guarantee no one can make) the problem now is that it's growing.

Billy's infected with the beast like a returning cancer and they treat it like it is. Chemotherapy and radiation. They pump him full of chemicals as often as they dare and send him home in the passenger seat of Steve's car and there hasn't been a single trip where Steve didn't have to pull over so Billy could throw open the door and empty his stomach into the ditch.

And Billy knows what happens to people going through chemo. Who doesn't? But he's still horrified when he takes a shower one day and his hand comes away from his head with a huge clump of hair.

He chokes. Loud enough for Steve to knock on the bathroom door and ask if Billy's alright.

But Billy isn't listening. He's staring at the clump of hair clutched in his fist and somehow it's the last straw in a long line of fucked up shit Billy's had to go through recently. But he isn't gonna cling to his hair like some kind of middleaged, comb-over loser.

No fucking way.

Billy flicks the hair off his hand and turns off the water. He steps up to the sink, throws open the cupboard under it and yanks out the electric shaver. Stabs the plug angrily into the socket and turns it on, drowning out Steve's pleas for Billy to let him in.

He stares at himself in the mirror, at the strands of loose hair clinging wetly to his skin halfway down his chest and the thinning patch near his temple that seems so fucking obvious now...

It'll grow back. Billy knows it will. If he can just survive the goddamn chemo, it'll grow back.

He tries willing himself to lift his hand, to run the shaver over his head and just get it over with quick, like pulling off a bandaid, but there seems to be a disconnect between his mind and his hand. And Billy almost flies head first into a panic attack, momentarily conviced that the mindflayer is keeping his limbs locked up, but it's his own fear freezing him in place just as effectively. No matter how much he tells himself it's just hair, he can't make himself do it.

Steve's knocking takes on a frantic cadence until it stops altogether. Running footsteps pound outside the door until Steve comes smashing through it, eyes wild and worried.

"Billy?"

He stops. Stares. Looks at the trail of hair no doubt littered down Billy's back as it is his front. Sees the shaver and the look in Billy's eyes and something seems to click.

He approaches slowly. Gently tugs the shaver out of Billy's grip and turns it off before pulling Billy into his arms.

And Billy breathes shakily against Steve's neck, refuses to cry, but can't find it in himself not to care about this...

"Want me to help?" Steve offers after a while and Billy nods. Thinks the only possible way this is getting done is if someone else takes the wheel.

And Billy doesn't cry.

He's close when Steve runs the shaver over his neck for the last time and Billy feels the last lock brush off his shoulder and fall to the floor. He stares at the water-stained wall in front of him, too scared to glance at himself in the mirror.

The buzzing of the shaver continues and Billy frowns, looks up and turns around and that's when he finally chokes on tears. Reaches out to stop the shaver from going over Steve's head again, but it's already too late. And Billy cries ugly. Empties out all his frustrations and fears into huge sobs as he crumples in on himself.

The buzzing of the shaver stops and cool hands run over the fuzz on his head and his sensitive scalp. Breath brushes over his neck, followed by the softest pressure of lips.

Steve whispers into his skin.

"Now we match."

Billy looks down at the floor at their mixed strands of hair, reaches up blindly to cup the buzz on Steve's neck.

"I love you."

"I love you, too." Steve runs his hands down Billy's back in a calming motion. "Man, it's going to suck when I have to shave off my eyebrows."

Billy laughs through his tears.

.

.

.

So @trans-siberian-marching-band asked for Steve to maybe shave Billy's hair and I made it way more depressing than I intended, I'm so sorry. At least it ended kind of happily.

#uh so this got away from me #like not at all what I had originally planned #tw: chemotherapy #tw: disease #tw: mindflayer #billy hargrove #steve harrington #harringrove #hurt/comfort #my art #gravegroves prompts #gravegroves #tw: hair loss

[werevulvi]

How did you learn to be comfortable with your hirsutism? I've never been trans or detrans or dysphoric so my situation is not like yours but i'm hairier than average and even approaching my 30s i still struggle with my natural body. I've tried going noshave as a dare a couple of times and just feel overwhelmed with revulsion and shame. Even if i think it's conditioning for the most part i don't think i can undo it. Is there a point of no return?

I've always been mostly comfortable with it, but that's not saying I haven't dealt with any amount of shame or stigma about it. Especially a couple of years ago, I did struggle with it. Not everyone in my life loves hairy women, and that does affect me, so I hope I can offer some insight, or uplifting words! I think there are several aspects as to why it's fairly easy for me to love my body hair unabashedly now, and also reasons as to why I've struggled with it. Firstly, being viewed as male makes people less likely to call me gross or stare at me for being hairy, even though some still do because I often wear very feminine clothing (people tend think that hairy men in feminine clothing is "distasteful" ...apparently) and my parents really do struggle with my body hair. Even my sister has promptly given me unsolicited shaving advice. (I’m not exactly sure how my family views my gender, if it’s as a woman or more like a trans person, or as a female who identifies as a man, or I don’t know, but it’s obviously not as an actual biological man. Which I’m totally fine with and really don’t care, as they’re entitled to their opinions of me, but like it’s relevant because they probably wouldn’t have thought my body hair is gross and bad if I had actually been male, which is my only complaint: the sexism nestled in with however they perceived me.) But outside of my family and aside from my femininity, my ability to mostly blend into society as a man (which only some women do/can/want) means most people don't care about that I'm hairy, or might even praise me for it. Like if I just dress a little less girly, it's suddenly "cool" and "oh so manly" that I have hair on my chest, kinda.

Another aspect is that when/if I tell people I "identify" myself as a (trans) man, they also praise my hairiness as a positive personal achievement. Where as when I've instead "identified" myself as a woman, people have instead expressed disgust, being sorry, and other ill-placed compassion, for my hairiness. Like someone saying "I'm jealous of your beard, that looks awesome, dude" does affect me in a very different way from being told "I'm so sorry you grew a beard, I hope something can be done about it" and having been given those very different reactions based on what I've called myself (while looking the exact same way) has definitely affected my confidence about my body/facial hair.

However, I could still love my body hair even when I kept getting tons of crap for it from other people. Receiving all that crap made me feel terrible about my hairs for a while, but I also couldn't make myself truly hate them. I could within a couple of years find my love for them again. Probably so quickly because I had already loved them before, and because I was unable to hate them, despite being under that intense social pressure to conform.

When there's no one around to have opinions of my body hair, and it's just me, I first and foremost enjoy simply how they feel. That's how I started my journey to embrace my hairs. Wearing a long skirt or dress and my thicc thighs suddenly don't clamp together, because my leg hair serves as a natural barrier, which reduces friction? Awesome sensation. Wearing a shorter skirt and feeling the wind in my leg hairs on a warm summer day? Another awesome sensation. Armpits not stinging when putting on deodorant? Very nice, indeed. Not having to deal with any razor burns, and much more rarely any ingrown hairs? Neat. Twirling my fingers around my chest hair, because I still don't have a stim toy? Very soothing. Cuddling my beard? Very calming and reduces my stress levels like a LOT. It's almost as nice as petting a cat.

Then after finding how I love all those sensations and more, it became difficult for me to shave as the shaven sensation left me feeling oddly naked and like I was missing something. Without noticing, I had started to connect emotionally to my hairs as not just part of my body (for better or worse) but as truly part of ME.

Kinda like how many people feel about their head hair, regardless of their preferred length. Many people like having head hair, and would feel naked and at a loss if it was suddenly gone, which applies to both men and women. I started feeling like that "naked and at a loss" without my body hair, because I had emotionally connected to simply the physical sensations of having it there.

But I was still struggling with the appearance of my hairy body being there all visible, so on that point what I did was starting with simply covering up. Wearing clothes that would hide how hairy I was, basically. And not looking too long in mirrors, but also not avoiding mirrors. I'd glance. Except I still went swimming in just a bikini, regularly, at a public, local pool.

I think my experiences with going swimming while hairy, and otherwise hiding my hairs, helped me slowly get more comfortable with how it looked. Because I realised that despite all the comments, etc, it's really no one's business how I groom my body, as long as I'm clean and smell fresh. And my hairs are definitely clean! They're freshly shampooed and conditioned! I'm only saying that because keeping my body hair clean, helps me curb that feeling of being hairy somehow supposedly being equal to being dirty, which it isn't!

The more brave I got to test myself, I decided to show my hairs in public more and more, outside of the swimming pool area. Like with low-cut shirts, short sleeved shirts, tank tops, shorter skirts/shorts, etc. Eventually I developed a stronger connection with my body hair, became protective of it. And I started seeing beauty in it too. Looking at body positivity stuff made by other hairy women out there (mostly on Instagram) inspired me a lot, and having a supportive girlfriend who kept telling me my body hair is hot, helped a lot too. Feeling attractive shouldn't be the end all be all, but I'd be an idiot if I denied that it's uplifting and inspiring to hear/see that my own body hair is attractive.

As a result, I can quite freely love my body hair now, and show it proudly, but it took a lot of work and I still feel a little bit weird about it. Like sometimes I catch myself being puzzled by that I'm so hairy yet female. So like it is deeply ingrained, the belief that female body hair is somehow bad, dirty, gross or shameful, but it's NOT objective truth. It's just subjective opinions that very many people unfortunately have. It's natural, protects the skin, can increase sensitivity, can help regulate body temperature even, it's cheaper to not spend lots of money on shaving products, and lots of other good things that come with being hairy. I think the only negative is when my bracelets, rings and necklaces get stuck in the hairs and yank them out... which doesn't happen often!

I still feel that shame tugging in me whenever my mom decides to berate me for being hairy, and I have to remind myself that that's just her opinion, and not an incredibly valuable one!

So no, I don't think there is a point of no return. Like it’s never too late, as long as you’re still alive and kicking. We continue to be maluable and adaptive, and changing as people throughout life. Any opinions or beliefs that we have can change. Sometimes on a whim, but more often from working on ourselves, consuming media that informs us why we should change an opinion/belief, testing out what works and what doesn't, challenging ourselves, facing our fears, etc, and sometimes it can take a lot of such work and determination to achieve the desired result. But I think, when it comes to self-acceptance and self-love it's always possible to achieve.

Although I may still struggle a little bit with my body, I managed to come to love it in general, and feeling really connected to being female, despite still having dysphoria, from having hated my body in the past, and I think that says a lot. I mean that to say, if I can do that, I'm sure you can too. I hate to say it, but really all it takes is willpower and not giving up.

[rimurutempest-bounced]

[Pictured: a trans man with pale skin, short, light brown hair, and clusters of red marks on his skin. He is wearing an olive green tank top and a pair of black corded necklaces. He is smiling at the camera in the first image. The following six images are close ups of various areas around the sides of his face, neck, shoulders, chest, and back, bringing attention to many more red marks.]

It's July 1st, 2019(technically it's the 1nd now, but I'm considering this the first) and there's 3 months between now and dermatillomania awareness day/the start of BFRB awareness week.

Today I feel like sharing my current marks, scabs, and scars caused by my picking.

Many of them are sore and uncomfortable, and even the ones that aren't do get in the way of some clothing and activities like shaving. They also make me feel uncomfortable and ashamed about going outside or being seen by most people.

I've been struggling with this since I was in middle school: around two decades now. For a while, I was able to concentrate much of my compulsion to pick on inanimate objects like blankets or clothes, but that made a horrible mess and damaged those items, which can be expensive or impossible to replace. (I actually had the blanket picking behaviour before I started on my skin, and got in trouble for it often for making a mess or ruining special blankets.)

When I started developing acne, I already had internalized the shame and disgust for it that is commonplace in our society. I understood that people were supposed to pop pimples and blackheads, so I started doing that. And then I couldn't stop.

I hated it, and it hurt, and I was so ashamed of my scars and sores. It only made the acne worse, of course, so it only made me more ashamed of that too, but I HAD to keep doing it.

I tried so many times to stop. I still do. It's worse when I've just cut my nails. I usually let them get too long(which leads to accidental more injuries to myself and others, heightened dysphoria, and of course is not very hygienic in general) because I am afraid of the picking I'll do as soon as I trim them.

When they're short, the picking is more satisfying. I can feel what I'm doing better. It's disgusting. Even when I notice I'm doing it, I can't get myself to just stop by willpower.

To me, it feels like a form of self harm at times. I've had people dismiss that analysis. I'd like to do so myself, but I know there are times when I use it as punishment, or as a means of dealing with emotional numbness.

It's not the only reason I do it, but it is a factor.

I'm ashamed and weary of doing this. I'm worried I'll wind up with a dangerous infection one day from an open sore. I'm irritated with myself and impatient to stop.

I don't really have a positive message to add here. I wish I did. I think that's my hope for this post:

Maybe in 3 months, I can look back on this post and see an improvement. Maybe next year, I'll have been more successful at curbing the behaviour and recovering. Maybe I'll be free of this by the time I'm 30.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Why do people tell children to hate their acne? That they're ugly and disgusting for having it? It makes them unpopular and they should bend over backwards to be rid of it?

It's been 20 years and I'm still damaging my body and hating myself because millions of people convinced me as a child that I had to hate that part of myself and no one would love me or find me desirable or attractive if I had acne.

I know that's not true. I have friends and a husband who love me and remind me that I'm not ugly and disgusting to look at. My smile makes them smile. My skin is still soft to the touch in most places and I give good hugs. My husband wants me and I like most of my selfies. I feel mostly good about my appearance!

But I still hate my acne. I still have to pick, as much as I hate it. I still can't leave a pimple or blackhead alone.

I still hurt myself when I notice them, for various reasons, and can't stop. Sometimes someone has to physically move my hands away from the spot I'm picking.

Maybe I would have started doing this regardless of societal shit regarding acne, maybe not. But telling children to hate their skin, for any reason(and there are so many reasons given), will NEVER be okay. It will never result in anything but pain and self loathing, and it will make the kids lucky enough to have "perfect", smooth, pale skin grow into the sorts of people that ostracize kids with "undesirable" skin.

It's a vicious cycle and it NEEDS to be broken. Stop making children ashamed of themselves. Stop telling children to shame each other.

I'm lucky enough to have soft, pale skin, even if it's riddled with acne, scars, and angry, fresh, red marks. I know it would have been so much worse to grow up with acne and darker skin. I know how much more kids with dark skin have to struggle to be respected and accepted, especially when their skin is also too oily, too dry, not smooth enough, too hairy, or, yes, broken out in acne. I didn't have to face as much ridicule about my skin as other kids, as other teens, as other adults.

And I can only imagine and sympathize and urge people to please think of these kids.

Stop hurting children with these standards. Stop encouraging people to hurt themselves.

We should be able to look in the mirror and love the person we see! That's us! We are worthy of love and we have no reason to be ashamed! I hope we all get to feel that way one day.

When that day comes, I hope it lasts the rest of our lives.

#dermatillomania #body focused repetative behaviours #skin picking #acne #bullying #racism mention #colorism mention #self harm mention #ask to tag #gpoy #selfie #long post #misgender me and die

[canyonroads]

Hello, I found you in the FTM tag. I'm asking a few people this. I think I might be trans ftm but I dont know how to go about exploring this idea without coming out. What if I'm wrong?? I'm very lost. Any advice you can give thank you.

Hello there!

I cant speak on any universal experience because there isnt one, but I'll tell you a little bit about how it went for me.

I was 20 when I first started wondering if I was trans, and I also found myself in the FTM and HRT tags on tumblr and instagram. Looking through pics and transitions, I found myself overwhelmed with a foreign emotion that I couldnt articulate and I was crying. Does this sound anything like how you feel?

I knew I couldnt really explore that where I was at the time. I was in a small intolerant town, surrounded by friends who I knew would be mildly transphobic at best and possibly violent at worst (many of them were cis men I had dated/had sex with who would feel personally victimized if I came out as a man). I started making the moves necessary to move out of my small town. This isnt necessary, or possible, for everyone obviously. But I want you to think: is it safe for me to explore this? How can I make it safer for me to explore this?

When I did move to a bigger city, I got a cool accepting job (i was very lucky and i work in a very notoriously accepting field; social work) and was lucky enough to find some queer roommates and became friends with their queer friends. I tested the waters a little, here where it was safe to. I knew that if I tried this out and found out it wasnt for me, these were people who were cool with self exploration.

I cut my hair off. I wore less makeup. I started dressing more gender neutral and dipping my toe in the more masculine side of clothing.

Here's some pics from around that time. This was probably about a year after I had that first meltdown in the FtM tag.

I asked my roommate at the time if she could start referring to me with he/him pronouns which she switched to immediately. I bought a binder, which was truly life changing. The summer after I turned 22 I told most of my friends, including the girl who would become my girlfriend that summer. Even a lot of my friends from back home, a fair few of whom would indeed stop talking to me afterwards. But many many surprised me and accepted this fully.

I had a gender-neutral nickname of my birth name I had been using most of my life, so I didnt change my name quite yet. I knew at this point I was definately transgender. I had some dysphoria (mostly around my chest that was hard to distinguish from like... general 'women hate their bodies' vibes) but the euphoria was really how I knew. It felt very right. I shaved my head, started binding and mascing up full time, definitely went over the top and overcompensated a bit.

I came out to my parents I believe that winter, but they had been having their suspicions. They struggled with pronouns but they do their best. My dad had a really tough time with it, and actually invited me to a few sessions of therapy with him so we could work through it. Hes been great ever since. He actually INSISTED that I change my name, and asked if he could pick out my new one. We went with Avery.

I started testosterone that next Spring, came out at work when my voice first started changing. That was awful and scary as hell but went as good as it can possibly go, I think. My advice here is to just know your rights regarding nondiscrimination in the workplace, and dont be afraid to tell HR and supervisors if someone refuses to use your new pronouns. Someone at my job got fired for a few reasons, but one of which was that she wouldnt use my correct pronouns. :~)

Dont get too caught up in the "am I really trans?" question. I'm a big advocator for the fact you dont need dysphoria necessarily to be transgender. Wanting to be a man is a symptom of being a man. If you're looking at trans men and you feel like crying- you might be a man.

Even if stuff like this does end up being a phase for you, I think we should allow people to have as many phases as they want to have in this life. Self exploration is the pinnacle of existence. I have dabbled in literally every letter of the LGBTQ+ identity spectrum and I probably will continue all my life to play around in the queer identity.

Try to be authentic to yourself. Be very observant: what feels good? What feels bad? Do what feels the best. Find safe people in your life to talk to this about. Change your name. Change it again. Change it 100 times if you need to. Cut your hair, or dont. Immerse yourself in a queer community online or in real life. Explore. That's okay.

[hunterinabrowncoat]

2014-2018 (they/them)

Most transition photosets have pretty dramatic (and awesome!) before and after photos. But I don’t really think of my journey as being a before and after, because there is no end point; I’m still discovering, still learning, still becoming more comfortable with myself.

One day I cut all my hair off, and then quite promptly had a gender crisis. I agonised over terms, but now I’m not so bothered. Non-binary, agender, enby...

I’ve cycled through a lot of Looks™ since I came out. In my first year of Uni after I came out to my friends I was trying to desperately to capture that masc look. Now it’s been over a year sine I finished and I’m much more comfortable, and care a lot less about how I look or how people read me, probably because I’m surrounded by people who use the right pronouns so I don’t feel the need to convince people with my appearance that I’m not a woman.

I kind of miss my long hair sometimes - I looked pretty. But it feels like someone else, and now that my hair is starting to grow out again I can’t wait to shave it into a mowhawk as soon as this show is over.

It’s nice to look back and see how far I’ve come. Makes me wish I could go back and tell newbie Sam to chill out, it’s gonna be okay, you’ll work it out.

#transition #transgender #non binary #enby #my face

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

(1/6) In advance, sorry if this sounds clipped but I'm rewriting an 11 part ask because that's just too much and it feels like it would be rude to send such a long question. Somehow it's still long. So my background is: mostly used to aro and ace communities, don't have much experience with the lgbt+ community at large (trying to work on that), the way the aro/ace communities break concepts like attraction down really helped me figure out what my orientation was. Questioning my gender now and

(2/6) having a hard time finding resources that help me clarify my feelings instead of making me even more confused. I started researching thinking that they would be similar to aro and ace resources, going to the root of things and saying “What even is attraction, let’s define it” and breaking it down into chunks instead of trying to tackle the whole thing at once (see the split attraction model). Instead I found many lists of labels and pronouns, trans 101 that was at the same time too basic (3/6) and not basic enough, and “Gender is a feeling, masculinity/femininity/androgyny/etc are feelings too, no one can tell you what your gender is but you”. My request isn’t for anyone to tell me what my gender is, I’ll figure that out myself. But I feel I’m lacking the tools to do it. So does anyone have any resources, be they articles/blogs/life experiences and stories written by trans people/etc that breaks things like the feelings of gender as a whole, masculinity, femininity, androgyny,(4/6) agender, and dysphoria down (not coded behaviors or presentation, but what they actually FEEL like. These are the things that I’m most confused about and most want some sort of answer or definition for) in the style aro/ace resources do for attraction/orientation? To figure this out I need some sort of starting point or foothold or anchor for this instead of “it’s a feeling” when I don’t know what that feeling could be. But “Nobody can tell you what you are” sounds much more like defeat(5/6) than freedom to me rn. I’ve heard it said that gender is experienced differently by everyone, and if it’s really just some nebulous unidentifiable feeling that literally cannot be put into words then I can learn to live with the fact I’ll just never understand it, but… it just seems like there HAS to be some sort of commonality in the feeling of gender, the feeling of femininity/masculinity/all the rest that could be prevalent enough to say what that feeling IS and used to help people (6/6) figure out better who they are and who they want to be. For the ones like me who don’t even know what they’re feeling or what they want to be, just that they don’t want to feel like they do now.

Kii says:You’ve got a lot here, and you’re right. Gender is really confusing, and it really is something that 100 different people will give you 100 different answers about. Some people do feel their gender is best described by more visible aspects, such as behaviors, clothing, desired body, hobbies, etc, but some people don’t, and for them, it is just a feeling that isn’t describable, they just know internally what gender they are and can’t always explain why. 

However, just because there are feelings doesn’t mean that everyone’s feelings are the same, like the commonality you’re mentioning. You know the old “how do we know that your green is the same as my green?” Two people could be seeing the exact same item, both agree that it’s green, but how does anyone know that if I saw the same item through your eyes, I would still call it green? Your eyes might be structured completely differently than mine. Your green might be my purple, etc. I think the same goes for the words “masculine” and “feminine”- I can give you words that I associate with each, but a lot of people might disagree. 

Think of a person that you consider to be very masculine (whether they ID as a man or not)- why do you see them as masculine? Is it because of how they dress? What their body looks like? Because they like cars, sports, etc? How they act or other elements of their personality? Do the same for someone who you feel is very feminine (whether they ID as a woman or not). How is your “masculine” person different than your “feminine” person?

Androgyny is usually described as the intersection or mix of masculinity and femininity, so to figure out what you associate with androgyny, you kind of have to figure that out first.

We have a whole page about dysphoria, since that’s a more concrete concept. There are lots of descriptions there on how different people describe dysphoria and how it feels.

We also have this post, which a lot of people have tried to make helpful to questioning people, as well as this ask where various mods described what gender feels like to them.

Harper Says:I would also suggest a broader understanding of gender (and sexuality). You’re looking for a commonality that is not found uniformly in lived/expressed experiences - perhaps you might find it fleetingly, strangely, but I doubt it will come with much uniform clarity. The assumption that there has to be a commonality, a universality, is one that potentially assumes a (purely) medical/psychological account of gender and sexuality. Experiences of gender will necessarily intersect with other forms of systematic oppression: race, disability, and so on; and so each account of gendered experience has to be uncommon.Try instead understanding gender as part of a wider system of oppression rigged to benefit white cis men. In this, bodies, activities, sexualities, (and many other things) are codified and performed within a system of oppression. This is the way as far as I, and many other thinkers, understand gender. When you ask for gender as “not coded behaviors or presentation, but what they actually FEEL like” I think you misunderstand that gender is easily and always both. The performances, the risks, the transgressions, that commonly make up transgender experiences are inescapably coded behaviours - we don’t live in a society that isn’t oppressive. That is why there is such fear and thrill in a trans woman shaving her legs for the first time, or a trans man using the men’s bathroom for the first time. The emotion and feeling wouldn’t be there if such transgressions weren’t coded in a system of oppression that frowns upon such behaviours. Gender is always on some level something that is done and the doing is bound up with being. To strive for a definition that reduces one to the other or excludes one or the other is as far as I understand it, a misunderstanding, and this is perhaps where your confusion comes from.With this understanding I would then say that it is not very surprising that you’re finding dead-ends and confusion by trying to parse an understanding of gender through split-attraction model type thinking. This is a relatively recent way of thinking about sexuality within the LGBT community, (one that I personally find no stock in), butting up against around thirty years of queer feminist thought, and a whole history of LGBT lives and experiences. You will probably find that trying to think through gender in ace/aro modes of thought is an impossible task without this appreciation of transgender history or an understanding of heterosexuality as the oppressive action of gender.I’m not surprised then, that you find defeat instead of freedom; for many, gender is something that is survived. Freedom can only come with the abolition of gender, that is the end of the “material, social, and economic dominance of men and exploitation of women” (Escalante). So to speak of a commonality, perhaps start reading about how these oppressive systems work. Understanding all of this is not an easy task. Below I’ll feed a few pointers on a theoretical level, and as such can throw up inaccessible language. My hope is that if you do struggle with any of it, from here you can google keywords and hopefully find more sources that suit you better.For the theoretical exploration of such see: Judith Butler’s Gender Trouble, and Monique Wittig’s The Straight Mind and Other Essays (see One is Not Born a Woman - I haven’t yet managed to find a pdf for the whole book). Or key words: material feminism, Butler, gender performance, heterosexuality, the straight mind. CW: (this will be quite broad but I know Wittig talks about:) pornography, sexual harassment, slavery.For an account of gender which explores these concepts see Susan Stryker’s My Words to Victor Frankenstein…. In this Stryker mixes a lived personal experience with gender as a trans woman alongside theoretical musings. Key words: transfeminism, transgender studies, transgender rage. CW: surgery, suicide, TERF stuff, pregnancy, birth.I would also recommend investing yourself in transgender voices and histories, so you can see how a varied approach to gender throughout history has been undertaken and lived. How complexities and contradictions have been embodied and embraced complexly by trans individuals. See Paris is Burning for what has become an important moment in LGBT cinema and history. CW death, accounts of violence, mentions of surgery, talk about sex.Also check out One From the Vaults a trans history podcast by Morgan M. Page. (Also available on iTunes, etc. I think.) In this engrossing podcast, Page tells the stories of various trans - or at least gender transgressive - people throughout history, including clips of them, letters, interviews, etc.. It comes with “all the dirt, gossip, and glamour from trans history” and so shows the variety of our trans ancestors throughout history, good and bad, happy and sad; encompassing all different ways of doing gender and different ways of being.In terms of your own personal questioning of gender, I would do as I advised here. Do gender: evoke man, evoke woman, evoke neither. Try things out, see what you feel. Explore yourself and your own embodiment and explore the feelings that arise out of this. At the end of the day, gender isn’t something that originates from books and articles, it is lived and done out in the world.I wish you the very best on your journey!

#harper says #Anonymous #kii says #caps #what is gender #wittig #butler #split attraction model #transfeminism #long post #questioning #trans history #trans media

[xnchxntmxnt]

Chapter Two - Turtleneck Sweater

“So it’s...Elliot?”

“Yup.”

“Not a name I'm used to hearing, sorry.”

“Well, neither is Decius, but hey,” they shrugged. “Anyway, you’ve had a better reaction than others have.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“No need to apologize, Koushi, nothing you can do about it. I’ve learned to accept it.”

He smirked, nudging their arm with his shoulder. “Hey, at least I don’t get an ego hit anymore when you wear those basketball sneakers you loved so much in middle school. Nothing wrong with a dude being taller than me.”

Elliot laughed, taking a sip from his (new) monster. Since they knocked into each other, they started catching up (and he was nice enough to get him another monster). They hadn’t realized how long it had been since they last spoke, but it was nice to be in each other’s presence again. After all, the other was the reason they both made it through middle school.

It was safe to say, Elliot had missed his best friend. It had been too long since he and Suga got to spend time together.

Moving to Tokyo for their dad’s job left Elliot heartbroken and unsure of what to do—they weren’t exactly the friendliest person (understatement) and had trouble making friends in real life (also an understatement). Moving away from Sugawara was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do, but in the last two years, it was almost like it didn’t matter

Which was a really, really bad way of putting it. But it was the best wait he could think to explain. Over the last few years, they’d grown apart and rarely talked despite being so close from the age of five on up.

Then again, he never did well in awkward situations. And things had been awkward when he left. He never wanted to overstep anything, so kinda stopped answering his phone. Not intentionally—he never ignored Suga—but would go a couple of hours without a reply, then the other would go a couple of hours. Hours turned into days and days turned into not knowing how to start a conversation.

Which, again, was his fault. At least partly.

“There’s always that,” he laughed. “Seriously, though, thank you for being so chill about this, man. I appreciate it.”

“No problem, El—if that’s who you are, that’s who you are, y’know? Oh, am I allowed to tell my bandmates? They’re good friends of mine, but I’ve talked about you a lot the last couple weeks.”

“Yeah, sure—wait, that’s why you’re here?”

In the ten minutes of them talking and sitting on the curb, neither thought to mention what they were doing there.

“Yeah! That battle of the bands thing! You didn’t see us yet?”

“Not yet, no—then again, any time I’m not playing or practicing, I’m more worried about writing. I leave it to Akaashi to get videos for me.”

“So you can overanalyze them later?”

“You get it!”

“Same dumbass I knew in middle school, then,” Suga laughed, pulling out his phone to check the time. “Ah, hell—told my friends I’d be back in 15 and it’s been almost 30. I gotta get going, but text me later, okay? We gotta catch up sometime this week.”

“We do! Yeah, I gotta head out, anyway, no worries. Text me when you’re bored and we can talk for a while.”

“Sounds good.”

The two of you stood, Suga offering his hand to help them up. They took it with a grin

“I’ll see you later, then,” he asked, keeping their hand in his. With one look, they knew what he was thinking. They spun him, then he spun them around, the two of them high-fiving among several different moves they came up with as little kids.

They broke away, laughing. After all these years, they still had it.

They said their goodbyes again and headed off in different directions. He thought a lot on his way over to Bokuto’s, though—Suga had grown up a lot in the last couple of years. One would say he was pretty. Definitely pretty, actually. Maybe cute.

Unfortunately, the further he walked, the more he thought. And the more he thought, the closer he came to the decision.

Ah, shit. Cute boy.

♬♬♬

Within a couple of minutes of walking, he arrived at Bokuto’s place to hang out before Akaashi and Hiraku came over for practice. They rarely exchanged small talk anymore—three years of extremely close friendship will do that to someone—and Elliot just followed him to his room.

“Had to come out again today.”

“Oh, fun! Not fun? I dunno, how’d it go?” Bokuto asked, flopping backward on his bed. He kicked his fluffy blanket to the bottom, leaving room for them to sit.

“Well...not bad, at least. Just a little weird.”

“I get the feeling you’re gonna talk for a couple of minutes.”

“I don’t have to—“

“Elliot, no, that was a joke.” He sat up, grabbing his hand. Bokuto smiled gently, reassuring him as best he could. “Tell me about it. What happened?”

They squeezed his hand gently, glad for the extra comment. It was a common process: talking/thinking about too much gender stuff -> overthinking -> a little too much anxiety -> self-doubt or crabby mood. As many mood swings that Bokuto had, they knew how to get the other to cool off. Both knew Akaashi was the best with them, but they made do with what they had.

“You remember I moved here after middle school, right?” Bokuto nodded, so they continued. “Before that, I was in Miyagi, all that fun stuff. Anyway. A really old friend of mine is in town for the battle of the bands and I got to talk to him today.”

“Was he shocked?”

“Oh, not really. I’ve always been a little ‘different’ when it comes to style—hell, I started shaving designs into my head when I was...I think ten? Maybe nine. But he said he was happy for me and if that’s who I am, that’s who I am, y’know?”

Bokuto smiled, squeezing their hand. “That’s awesome! Love it when that happens. Good for you for telling him, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Elliot said, smiling awkwardly at him. They took their hand back, beginning to pick at their nails (like usual when thinking too much).

Bokuto took their hand back and leaned over to his bedside table. He grabbed a marker and handed it to him. “Draw me something pretty. No picking.”

They laughed, hanging their head for a second. The laughter increased when he started poking their arm, screeching, “don’t! Hide! Your! Smile! Elliot!” between each poke. It was a nasty habit of theirs that they were trying their best to break, but Bokuto helped a lot with it.

So, they took the marker and started drawing.

About a half-hour and several games of Uno later, Bokuto had both hands full of doodles and designs while they talked about anything and everything.

Somehow, they managed to get onto the topic of love lives.

“Look, dude, I am determined! I’m gonna get a girlfriend by the end of high school! Or a boyfriend. Probably a girlfriend though cause I dunno about the guy's part. But it’s a possibility!”

“Keep telling yourself that, Bo,” they rolled their eyes. He was so in denial, really. They and Akaashi had a bet going.

He pouted. “Hey, well, you’re not doing any better than me! At least I like someone.”

“So you admit it!”

“Not my point!”

They laughed, running their hand through their hair. “I mean, if you’re that competitive, there might be someone…”

“AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME???”

“Oh my god, shut up, Bokuto!” They swatted his arm (gently) and grabbed a pillow (proceeding to hide their face in it.

Bokuto only continued to pick on them for it. He tried taking the pillow from their vice grip, asking more questions and even tried rolling them off the bed, but they wouldn’t budge.

“Just WHAT am I your best friend for if you DONT tell me who you have a crush on??” he demanded, finally pulling the pillow out from under their arms. He then hit them with it before discarding it.

“Fine fine fine—if you want to know so bad, you have to guess.”

“But you’ll tell me if I guess correct?”

“No promises.”

“You’re horrible!”

“You love me. Take a shot at it.”

He thought for a moment, a starry, stupid look in his eyes. “OOH OOH OOH, DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME?”

“You’re disgusting.”

Bokuto clasped his hand over his chest, falling back on the bed like he’d just been shot. But very over dramatically. “You’ve wounded me!” Elliot kicked his leg and he shot up straight. “Okay, okay, okay, fine. What about...ooh, what was your friend’s name? Suga...sugaworo khaki?”

“Sugawara Koushi?”

“Yeah, that’s it! Him!”

Elliot sighed. There might have been some...feelings in middle school. But nothing they ever acted on. Not in a timely manner, of course. And now--shit, now he was gorgeous and all those crazy feelings from middle school were kinda coming back but also not really? Was he just thinking about this too much? Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit--

“You’re blushing, El--”

“Shut up.”

He smirked, nudging their arm. “Why are you blushing, Elliot?”

“You’re horrible.”

“So I shouldn’t mention Akaashi right now, either?”

He knew just how to push his buttons, didn’t he?

No, he didn't...like akaashi like that, but he had to admit that he was great. Really great. Like totally want to kiss him sometimes great. But he didn't like him like that. They were just really close friends and knew each other better than almost anyone else and talked almost 24/7 and they wrote music a lot even though Akaashi barely knew anything about music and a lot of his songs were about him--

“You’re still blushing.”

Elliot sighed. So he was gonna play dirty like that? Time to pull out his trap card. Which sounded stupid but it worked.

He composed himself, blinked a couple of times, and smiled evilly at Bokuto. “So, Bokuto--how’s Hiraku?”

“Oh, now you're the horrible one!”

They laughed when Bokuto hit them in the head with the previously discarded pillow. He knew what talking about Hiraku did to him--he got embarrassed and pouty until he talked to her again, then his adrenaline shot up again. Freakin dork.

Yes, this is how i actually think. Yes, this is how character elliot's brain works. Im getting slowly more nervous about this because people get to see how weird i am lol. Anyway, show of hands, who wants to talk about who you have a crush on bokuto

Also hahaha i am very trans gtfo if ur transphobic

Is it bad i expect to lose followers for this lol

taglist: @ellewords @shoyotime @i-reblog-storie @tama-jam

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#selfship!akaashi #//ᴏʀɪɢɴᴀʟ ᴡᴏʀᴋꜱ #ᴘʟᴀʏ ʏᴏᴜʀ ��ᴇᴀʀᴛ ᴏᴜᴛ <3

[kurokolovesakashi]

Why do you assume that Mibuchi likes Akashi? He may like someone else who knows? I'm just being curious. It would be great if you could give me your reasons. Thanks a lot! ^.^

Oof I know I all but asked for this but Mibuchi is such a touchy topic that now I’m getting nervous haha. I’m gonna use they/them to refer to Mibuchi in deference to the theories that Mibuchi is trans or nonbinary in canon ^^

So this all stems from the omake “Girls’ Talk” at the end of volume 27, where Mibuchi says there’s someone on their team that they have interest in, right? Nebuya and Hayama screech “OI!!” from the side, possibly because they’re worried it’s them. I don’t think it’s them, though, because:

Mibuchi shows distaste for Nebuya (ex: when Mibuchi dodges Nebuya’s congratulatory punch because “it hurts~” and when Mibuchi says “I wish he’d stop saying muscle this and muscle that” with an annoyed look on his face. Also in his Kurofes interview it says Mibuchi dislikes vulgar people. I love Nebuya but he’s a rough and rowdy boy.)

The interactions we see between Mibuchi and Mayuzumi are very little. They speak to each other normally, but Mayuzumi doesn’t spend much time with his underclassmen. Nothing about it draws attention in any way. (More than that, Mayuzumi isn’t Mibuchi’s type - Mibuchi is into men with basketball skill & Mayuzumi is a third stringer level of player.)

The only person who comes close to competing with Akashi is Hayama. Reo’s relationship with him is pretty good. Hayama likes and respects Mibuchi. But, their relationship is very much like mom/big sister to kid - Mibuchi scolds Hayama for being hyper and Hayama respects Mibuchi as an older, more mature figure.

Also in the Kurofes interview Mibuchi says their type is “attentive” and Hayama is pretty hyperactive, not so much an attentive type.

Here’s why I think it’s Akashi:

There’s a comment made in the Characters Book PLUS by Fujimaki:

“What kind of a life must they have been living for their eyes to have been opened (as in: come to a revelation) in high school.”

If that sounds like a vague statement, it’s because it is. The wiki interprets this line as being about Mibuchi discovering they’re “Onee” - but the wiki also thinks “Onee” means “gay or transsexual” (it doesn’t, it just refers to people who use “Onee kotoba,” the girly language Mibuchi favors. I went through many pains to be sure of this by checking testimonial from native Japanese speakers. It’s also not something you discover so much as something you do to express yourself.)

Fujimaki is euphemistically referring to the fact that Mibuchi is into men, and telling us that Mibuchi got their first crush in high school (which is how they found out they’re into men -> “eyes opening”). Mibuchi knew all of the Uncrowned Kings from their middle school rivalry, but they didn’t know Akashi, who was in a lower grade. They met him in high school. (Not saying it’s impossible Mibuchi grew to like the Uncrowned Kings later, but signs are favoring Akashi here.)

Also, there’s the *wink wink* manner in which Fujimaki is imparting this information (”I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED IN HIGH SCHOOL ;) ). He’s very reluctant to say who it is that Mibuchi has a crush on, which would only happen if it was someone important - a major character, such as the main antagonist (Akashi).

On top of all of this, Akashi pretty much says that Mibuchi hangs around him. Since we’re told that Mibuchi is attracted to skill and Akashi is the most skilled player in the series, it’s hardly surprising. Also, Akashi is an attentive person.

Best for last, Mibuchi calls Akashi “Sei-chan” whenever possible (and doesn’t do the same for Rakuzan’s other members). It’s a sign of romantic interest and affection when girls do that in Japan (which is the way we’re supposed to interpret Mibuchi’s behavior - as girl-like.) It’s why Aomine tells Momoi to refrain from calling him “Dai-chan.” It’s also why, when Mibuchi wants to tease Hyuuga that they’re interested in him, they call him “Junpei-chan.” It has a strong connotation of romantic interest.

None of this is to detract from other ships with Mibuchi. You can ship Mibuchi with whoever you want. This is simply my perspective of canon’s depiction of Mibuchi’s one-sided feelings. (And I don’t present myself as the definitive source on KnB or demand that anyone agree with me.)

Sorry this got so long! I tried really hard to shave it down. I think you can see this wasn’t so much an assumption as a developing opinion as things started to click together for me. This is an akakuro blog - I have no motivation to find mibuaka content in canon LOL. These are just my honest thoughts. Thanks for asking!

#this is why i try to avoid talking about mibuchi #mibuchi is complicated #so complicated #long post #mibuchi #my thoughts #nonnies #asks #anons

[trans-and-autistic]

I'm very confused about my gender. I think I'm ftm but I feel like I'm changing into someone else and the old me is getting left behind. I use to be a very different person than I am now. Realizing I'm trans has freed me, but the change is too much. I want to go back to the old me. I can't handle the change. I've never been good with change. When I was younger I really wanted this band poster and when I finally got it and hung it up I broke down. My mom had to take it down for me. Can you help?

hey anon

this is sort of tricky to answer, I don’t wanna sound too generic or anything 

I will say that while my problems with change hasn’t affected my gender, I understand where you’re coming from 

kinda like I’ve mentioned here before, I think you should take it easy with your transition. 

when I realized I was nonbinary it was a gradual thing of going back to wearing more “masculine” clothes, then I stopped buying hygiene products labeled as “feminine” and went for more gender neutral or “masculine” types, then I started shaving less often until I was comfortable and didn’t care at all about body hair. it took a while getting completely used to everything and also not worrying so much about other people’s opinions, but now I’d be lost if I went back to how I was. 

I’m not sure if you’re struggling the way you are because you’re forcing societal gender expectations on yourself, so instead of just presenting in a way that you’re comfortable with, you’re telling yourself you have to change and you have to look a certain way. 

either way, you shouldn’t feel like you have to be a completely different person. you’re still you. I know it’s really difficult getting over both what society tries to beat into us, along with the negative voice in our own head. but please take your time adjusting. only do what comes naturally for you. one step at a time. 

there isn’t just one way to be a man (or any other gender). do whatever combination of things makes you personally comfortable until you figure yourself out. 

I hope you continue to feel free, and find a way to express yourself without any pressure or dysphoria. 

- Mod Rem

#anon #answered