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#so now i'm even more upset about this
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#i am just. so emotionally exhausted about this friend group implosion and i haven't even talked to the person who it all started with#those of us who are sticking together were talking about it and how our formerly mutual friend used to handle certain topics yesterday#and then today that whole thing with the fic theft (I think i've mentioned that here before but whatever) was still tickling my brain#as it has literally every day since it happened#I was like 'yo fam can i rant about something else that [name] did that i'm upset about but can't talk to them about'#and they're all like fuck yeah spill it#so i explained what happened with that fic#AND THEY ALL CHIMED IN THAT HE DID IT TO THEM TOO#they all had very similar experiences with him that eventually led to not sharing new fics with him#or even talking about characters with him cause he thought he knew better for the characters#even though us writers found the subject matter to be cathartic; like hurt/comfort or angst- that sort of stuff#but he'd be like 'oh that's so dark i'm adopting this character and i'll give them a better life'#he actually said that to one of my friends#and yeah he rewrote one of my fics and then posted it on ao3 without asking me#so now i'm even more upset about this#he hasn't talked to me about this whole situation yet and i don't really want to be the one to bring it up first#i dread the day he decides to talk to me#but for now i'm just. not talking in his discord server#those of us that sided with the guy he blocked and publicly declared they weren't friends anymore have started a new server#and it feels much more chill. i never really realized how much it felt like walking on eggshells around him trying not to upset him#hell i didn't even know to what degree of atheism many of the other server members had been until we got out of there#another person is even in the same boat as me where we were both raised christian but dumped that when we figured out we were queer#and yet this former friend is self described as queer and all but still works for a christian organization who is very vocally anti-lgbt#he never wanted to talk about where he worked and now i know why 🙄#and then he would post religious guilt tripping stuff too and that was extremely triggering#that was over a year ago but it still bothers me#whatever. washing my hands of him; don't want to talk to him again if i can get away with it#at least i don't live in the same country as him; let alone the same town like some of the others who've unfriended him#i'm glad others understand how i feel about what he did with my fic but it sucks that he did it to so many people#kee speaks
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if dorian didn't show up, do you think louis would have shot minnie?
I do. I know some people think either he wouldn't have or he would've missed so that's why the writers had him shoot Dorian instead, but mmmmmm no, I don't personally think so. I like to think that if he had taken the shot, his shaky hands would've caused him to shoot her fatally.
Mostly because I'm already so normal about the fact that of the Ericson crew, Marlon and Louis are the only ones with a body count. Well, that we know of, but shown to us in the game, at least. Plus, we know it's Louis' first kill.
Like yeah, Clementine and AJ become part of the crew and they have bigger body counts, and if we're counting indirect kills caused by actions, then Tenn has a count... and I guess everyone has blood on their hands for blowing up the boat... but I'm talking about killed directly with a weapon like....... I lied, I'm not normal about that at all, Louis and Marlon are the ones who have killed someone in Louis' route. I'm also not normal about the fact that Louis kills Dorian and then even as he's clearly in shock, he tries to go with Clementine to get AJ, and then later on when they talk about it, he says it feels like bile but not quite and he's glad he has it in him to do it.... listen, listen, listen... I'm obsessed with that.
Anyway, so if Louis shot Minerva, I think he would've accidentally killed her and can you imagine? He's already enough of a mess after killing the woman who pinned him down and tried to cut his finger off [or succeeded] but he knew Minerva, they were friends before the twins were taken. Even Violet couldn't kill her even though that would've been the smarter thing to do, and we know thanks to meta knowledge that killing her would've saved lives, but Violet couldn't, and I don't think Louis would intentionally either.
Speaking of Violet, if Louis killed Minerva, I hate to think about what that would've done to Vi. I think she might've actually left at that point, like what was planned before it got changed to her being burned. I don't think she would've attacked Louis over it, though, like yeah she attacked Clementine in the cell but Louis? I don't know, but I don't think so just because it's Louis and he'd be a mess about it anyway.
Though if he did kill her, it would be a neat parallel to draw... y'know, because Louis forgave AJ for killing Marlon even though he was pissed and heartbroken, and Violet was annoyed with him the entire time... but could she ever forgive Louis for killing Minerva? Y'know? We already have a similar parallel with AJ shooting Tenn, but still.
If Clementine killed Minerva in that moment, though, then I could see Violet attacking her since in her eyes, Clem proved her right.
So yeah, I get why they added the Dorian kill to his route. It adds another compelling element to Louis as a character, but we also need Minerva alive for episode 4; Louis can't kill her, he can't miss, and he's not going to stay with her because we need Violet to stay on the boat and him to be on shore for all routes.
#asks#twdg louis#twdg minerva#twdg clementine#twdg violet#twdg marlon#twdg tenn#honestly whenever i see someone say louis is the boring option i'm just like '.......that's your opinion but also how can you say that??'#then again i'm sure other people look at me saying violentine just isn't for me and they say the same thing so y'know... i can't talk haha#also time is such a weird thing because i look at the entire cell scene in louis' route and like... i'm not even mad about violet anymore#like yeah i still don't believe she was brainwashed like i'm sorry y'all only believe that because kent said something about it#not because there's all this evidence toward it in game like vi being pissed at clementine makes sense she doesn't need to be brainwashed#for it to work like her being vulnerable and easily manipulated into submission makes perfect sense especially with minerva there#it's like everyone was pissed that she attacked clementine and people needed a way to excuse it so it's not violet's fault when like...#that's literally what makes it interesting like calm down it's okay if violet is pissed and scared and behaves accordingly#also my controversial opinion of the day that i'll hide here in the tags so maybe people won't find it sksksk but#I personally find the concept of vinerva and the doomed tragedy of it more compelling than anything violentine did#like i'll defend violentine and i do believe it's an important and good ship it's just not my personal favorite#anyway but then the whole thing with lilly and minerva is so good and louis screaming FUCK YOU at minerva?? amazing love it so good#i love when the soft character who never chooses violence is so pissed off that all that anger they have boils to the surface and it's raw#like... he's SO mad he's SO furious he's SOOO UPSET like he wasn't even like this when marlon died or anything like he hit his limit#and then shooting dorian through the mouth while an accident is just well done i love it and i love his reaction of mortification#and apologizing and YET he still tries to go with clementine he's trembling and can barely string together a sentence but he wants to go#he wants to help her he wants to save aj THAT is the gut reaction he has after everything that just went down#'louis isn't loyal or good for clem because of the vote' babe tell me you don't understand any nuance of louis' character without telling m#it's fine IT'S FINE you don't have to agree and i just have to remind myself that it's fine not everyone likes louis we're okay#this drives me crazy in the best way like y'know what? i love the cells scene in louis' route all of it even the stuff i used to rant about#even the stuff that used to piss me off now i'm just like 'no wait past cj was dumb she wasn't looking at it this way aaaaaaaa' sksksks#that was my tag ted talk about the cell scene thank you
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dayurno · 2 months
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my advice for anyone whos growing more and more frustrated with the state of aftg and fandom at large is that arguing is fun but you need to be happy. ok. you need to. its hard when bad faith takes are dropped to your doorstep but you need to be happy and enjoy yourself and have fun or there's no point in anything at all ever. ok. fandom is not real and nothing is worth more than your enjoyment. i love you please make sure to have fun and reach out to a friend today. for me
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I don't know how to write this without it being horribly obvious who I'm writing about
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sergle · 11 months
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also for folks who ask if I could try medical tourism instead: Technically I Could, Yes... that’s on the list of possibilities. only problem: adding even MORE steps to the process of getting my surgery kind of makes me want to cry.
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romanticatheartt · 1 month
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I just want to say, bringing down another character/ship to praise your favorite one, doesn't make me agreeing with you, it makes me hate the favorite character/ship of yours and despise your childish personality... just saying :)
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fictionadventurer · 3 months
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"It looked like a good day for setting fence posts, and my mother said so while taking the biscuits from the oven. 'Some morning early, when I can get away, I want you to come with me along the edge of the hill in the wood-lot," she continued. "When the shadows of the trees begin to come down the slope, as the sun rises you feel the turning of the earth. You feel the whole globe under your feet rolling into the sunlight. . . . That's something I found one morning when I was driving the calves to pasture. I've been saving it up for you. I wonder if you've seen a more beautiful dawn in any of the places you've been.'
On my fingers I count the dawns I have seen--memorable, just in being dawns. Sleepy-eyed dawn from the Paris markets after a night of dancing; mist dawn against which I was just to late to see the minarets of Constantinople--all the fault of the stupid stewardess who didn't wake me in time; one startling moment of color on the hills around the Dead Sea before they went colorless in merciless heat; sudden dawn like a clap of light over the freezing-cold Syrian desert. Four dawns in twenty years. No, I do not know dawns as my mother does."
-- Rose Wilder Lane, "A Place in the Country" (1925)
#little house#rose wilder lane#laura ingalls wilder#a little house sampler#i dove into the book seriously this morning#intended to read just the first couple of pieces and kept reading 'just one more' until i've got about 2/3 read#most of laura's pieces are familiar from her farm columns#though there's a couple of early versions of little house stories that show a lot of her voice did get through there#rose's are fascinating#i can't quite wrap my head around her#sometimes she'll seem neurotic and restless and judgey and sophisticated and a bit pretentious#and then she writes some of the most beautiful nostalgic pieces#showing so much love of home and family and the simple joys of life#this piece might be my favorite so far because it grapples with those two sides#after four years as a foreign correspondent she's back at home in mansfield#and she has a new appreciation for her parents and the work they do and the life they've built#now that she's had her adventures and is no longer a restless teen looking to get away from rural poverty#even in the other pieces it's fascinating how much love of her family comes through when you know about the difficult relationships#i should share some quotes from the piece about mary when i get the chance#(also i'm very upset that she didn't write down the story of why she and her parents never read the last book in the school library)#(you don't end with a sequel hook and just leave me hanging ms. lane!)#anyway i love the whole essay that this is from and there are other worthwhile quotes#but i like how this one captures the 'noticing beauty while doing farm work' side of laura that i've come to think of as her trademark
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angorwhosebabyisthis · 3 months
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i think one of the things that upsets me the most about velma and shaggy's relationship in sdmi--and boy there is a lot--is that not only is her constantly ''correcting'' him for minor, harmless, and usually completely reasonable things with physical and emotional abuse, well. abusive by itself. but so many of the things he does that she treats him that way over are very autistic things, and what she subjects him to is textbook abuse aimed at autistics in particular. (including the part where she gets more and more pissed whenever attempts at said emotional abuse fly over his head, because he's too bad at picking up cues for them to land fully.)
[cws: anti-autistic ableism, ABA, self-harm, physical and emotional IPV, victim-blaming, and abuse apologism. it's a lot and it's really fucking bad lmao]
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like. there's a lot of examples there; shaggy's behavior coming across as autistic is worth a whole post of its own, and a lot of media depicts abuse targeted at autistic traits because ✨️hooray ableism.✨️but she straight up tries to Fix Him (read: force him to perform a Presentable Personality) by forcing him to wear clothes that are sensory hell, and trying to condition him to self-harm every time he does some small harmless, reflexive thing she thinks is Poor Socialization until he stops. and to catch himself doing it, and punish himself, without being prompted. i cannot fucking overstate how fucked up that is.
they even got down the fun little aspect of ABA where the methods of conditioning-through-pain are presented as toys and kiddish things: she gives him a rubber band to wear on his wrist, and tells him to snap it as hard as he can every time he says 'like.' 🙃🙃🙃🙃
like. this does not begin to scratch the surface of the abuse she puts him through in general. and again, characters being abused for autistic traits with the approval of the narrative is a common thing in media, which sucks. but holy fucking shit! they really took the 'violent ableism that is done to autistics irl' to the next fucking level here!
.......and it's portrayed as kind of cringey, immature teen drama on both sides. the self-harm, his dread over how much he knows it'll hurt, and the extreme pain it causes him to the point of screaming are all supposed to be funny. and her arc is all about learning to accept that she deserves better, because she was repressed and had low self-esteem and therefore putting him through fucking DIY ABA didn't make her happy.
🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
anyway if you couldn't tell i can't fucking stand sdmi velma and i have a lot of words in me about it. when one of your main heroes would have made a way more compelling villain as they are, on a more mundane level compared to all the wild fantastical shit they go up against, holy shit go back to the drawing board you have fucked up. she could have been genuinely good representation of a marginalized person dealing with the trauma of her experiences in some shitty ways she has to grow past, and an interesting flawed character, without being absolutely despicable--hell, she'd have made a great foil to pericles if they'd handled him decently too. they have a lot of parallels, which only gain more depth when you add their respective parallels with cassidy into the mix. and it really fucking sucks that we got this instead.
#sdmi#scooby doo mystery incorporated#velma dinkley#shaggy rogers#SDMItag#cws in post#sdmi velma lies at the intersection of A Lot of Hard Feelings for me; in ways both inherent and personal#so she is viscerally upsetting to me in a lot of ways mostly re: framing; and that makes it difficult to analyze her in a sympathetic light#even though i recognize she is very much a depiction of a hurting; traumatized person lashing out in nasty and interesting ways#but the older i get and the more perspective i gain; and the more i unpack and understand about my own experiences#the more important it feels to me to talk about this stuff#i still want to try writing fic sometime about newniverse velma and how she ends up being a non-abusive; less shitty person#without just *being* a completely different person who's All Nice Sweet Sunshine with No Hard Feelings About What She's Been Through#and about the confusion and grief newniverse marcie goes through when one day her loving girlfriend is gone#and in her place is someone who is so much like her and has clearly been through a lot; but is Different in ways that hurt more and more#that marcie keeps trying to justify and make excuses for; and sits in the pot and slowly boils#until she finally has to face that this isn't the girl she fell in love with; that that girl will never come back; that this is velma now#i'm totally not working through anything here lmao#and a nasty; pretentious; controlling; insecure young adult who's up their own ass about Being Super Intellectual and Telling It Like Is#abusing a teenager to make them stop saying 'like' because it's Annoying and What Stupid People Say and Not Gramatically Correct(tm)(tm)(tm#definitely does not hit dead on some very specific 'hi that scarred me for life and i don't think it's particularly fucking funny' buttons!#anyway. protect shaggy and marcie and daphne while we're at it#SDMIcrit tag#the crit files
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tea-cat-arts · 1 month
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LETS GO- Kevin reference!!!
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ectoplasmer · 1 year
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y'all ever feel so much love for your f/o that you just get moved to literal tears or am i just a mess
#art is making me feel things once again#marigoldshipping#<---- mima brainrot hours which is terrible timing because i need to be awake in like six hours#but i am over here. kicking my legs in bed every five seconds#i love him so much he's a literal safety hazard akjjhdsh :(#he's also just a huge nerd and literally just a big loser but/lh#aaaa stopp making me FEEL THINGS it's horrible#i need to be sleeping and not generating tears because my heart goes crazy over fictional characters#literally smiling like an idiot just thinking about him while typing this#he's just. >_<#oh terrible another moment where i can't convey what i'm thinking#he's just... he's such a nerddd aaaaa#his snarkiness his obvious need to dramaticize things even though he *claims* that's a thing that only marik does now (he's lying)#his attempts at seeming much more stoic than he actually is his poorly hidden attempts at trying not to seem like he cares too much#how he can be so arrogant and sharp one second and try so hard to be responsible and gentle the next#how he tries to act like he isn't as much as a wreck as the rest of us but he definitely is#i don't. even know what i'm trying to say. i don't think i ever really do when it comes to any of them#they make me so stupidly incoherent i can't even think correctly right now#i just... i love how i've managed to get past his walls. that i get to see more of him now#not just the scary and daunting part that he used to be. not just the level headed and intimidating part. not just the upset and angry part#i get to see the sides of him where he makes dumb and ignorant mistakes. i get to see him when he's calm. i get to see him when he's happy#i get to see him when he's sad and i get to see him when he's completely vulnerable#i get to see him in every mood and in every emotion. i get to see every part.#and i love all the parts of him. all the mess and fuss and the wrongs and the rights and the good and the bad#all of it is completely lovable to me. he's completely lovable to me.#i just. aaaa sobbing crying sniffling into my hands HE'S SOOOO#god damnit melvin you're making your girlfriend cry STOP BEING SO YOU PLEASE#he's. so pretty and handsome and bbdbfhfbjdffjdfd#i've been talking about my f/os so much recently i'm so sorry ><#gonna. try and fall asleep but my heart is literally beating so hard right now skjfkjds
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marypsue · 10 months
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I'd love to hear your thoughts on S1 of ST being a tragedy! No main character dies, so I never thought of it that way before
I mean, nobody has to die for a story to be a tragedy (at least, in the modern definition. I'm pretty sure '(almost) everybody dies' is a requirement of Greek tragedies and Renaissance revenge tragedies). But also, no main character dies in season one...if you take season one as part of a series. Which it wasn't originally conceived as.
I am not going looking for copies of the original pitch bible, because I am lazy, and also I only saw them floating around this webbed site. But the show changed a lot from the initial pitch (Joyce had a Long Island accent! Lucas' parents were divorcing! Murray was there and named Terry Ives! Most of what ended up in Hopper's character originally belonged to Mr. Clarke! The original pitch bible is fascinating). And part of the original pitch was a proposal for possible sequels.
The Duffers' proposal for a possible sequel was "It's ten years later, and Eleven is dead".
So that's the setup. Everything that came after season one was made up wholecloth after season one was a hit and people wanted more, but also people loved the adorable little psychic murder child (cue the Duffers shockedpikachu.jpg) and Netflix obviously recognised it would be a bad call to make a new season without her in it. So it makes sense to take season one as a unit, as a self-contained story on its own. You can also take it as part of a whole, but it makes sense to read it first as a complete story. Especially given the thematic drift of later seasons and the way they are...I'm just going to say it, each new season is very much added-on to what came before rather than being built on foundation that the earlier season(s) laid. It is very clear there was never a planned five-season story arc from the beginning. (This isn't necessarily always a bad thing, when it comes to sequels, but it does mean it makes sense to 'read' each season as its own thing.)
Okay, now that we've established all of that. Season one has one very clear goal, one very clear stake for the characters: save Will Byers from the Upside Down. (I like this. It makes the stakes both extremely high and extremely personal, it makes it very easy to understand each character's motivation, it also keeps the stakes grounded in reality. I like this a lot.) And by the end of the season, that goal is accomplished. So at first blush, you're right, season one doesn't look like a tragedy.
But when you start to unpack it a little, you start to see just how many important things were lost along the way. It's most glaringly obvious with Mike and El, with Nancy and Barb. The whole Wheeler family is fractured down the middle, with Mike and Nancy on one side and Ted, Karen, and Holly on the other, and Karen, who's been trying so hard the whole time to be part of her children's lives and understand what's going on with them, is aware of the ever-expanding gulf between them but will never be able to cross it, and will never fully know why. Hopper's finally managed to snatch a kid out of the jaws of death, save a woman he obviously cares about from the pain of losing a child, and Joyce has finally had someone believe her, support her, trust her. But it became blindingly obvious to me on my fourth rewatch that Hopper's plan, from the moment he went to leave the middle school gym, was always to trade El for Will. And that decision (and the fact that Joyce obviously understands that he did something to get the lab to let them go after Will, but she obviously doesn't dare press him on what) has broken her trust in him, and left him with what looks like an equally heavy burden of guilt as what he was carrying before. The lab stays open. The government gets away with everything. No one will ever know the true extent of the hurt they've caused.
And in the end, none of it even saved Will. He's back. He's alive. But he's spitting slugs in the sink. He's permanently marked by the Upside Down, and by trying to hide it from his family, he's putting a crack down the centre of them, as well. They're losing Will, just as surely as they had when they thought he was dead, just without him going anywhere.
And there's still a hole in the world.
The fragile bonds of community, the things that people share in common, the way catastrophe can bring people together and bring out the very best in them, are the major thematic threads woven through season one. Human connection is the only thing that can change what seems inevitable, the only thing that can bring back what's seemingly lost forever.
And it's still not enough to protect anyone from the random tragedy of the world.
The love was there. The love mattered. The love bent the entire course of the world around itself.
And it still wasn't quite enough.
If that's not a tragedy, then I don't know what is.
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tswwwit · 2 years
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Any more headcanons for that oneshot you made where Bill is Ford's familiar? How does Ford react to Bill getting close to his nephew? How does Bill use this to his advantage? If Dipper can't get a slice of Bill's power, how does his magic shape up in the end?
Sure, why not!
This got longer than I wanted, so it's under a read more. Also, here's the link to the snippet in question.
I think that Dipper and Bill end up hanging out a lot, honestly. Dipper's a lonely guy, and Bill's bored out of his angles, so he's going to be on at least sorta decent behavior, since Dipper's providing more entertainment than he's had in decades. (Ford is unaware of this)
Still very much Bill, though; he absolutely tries multiple tricks in the book to try and get Dipper to break him out, or subtly trick him into getting Ford into a fatal accident. Dipper's been warned, though - I don't think any of them work!
Eventually Dipper gives in and offers a deal: He'll banish Bill back to his realm (He's been trapped in a basement for thirty years, no surprise he wants Ford dead, that sort of thing just straight-up sucks-) as long as Bill doesn't harm him or his family. Bill, once again in a terrible position to bargain, is happy to get the hell out of reality rather than be stuck in a circle for another decade or so.
This.... probably ends up in a pretty big fight between Ford and Dipper. Once he notices Bill is missing. If the Stans weren't already at odds, that'd be the kicker to set it off.
Little does Dipper know, but now that Bill's 'free' - he's gotten his stuff in order, hummed a little tune to himself - and decided it's the perfect opportunity to start courting that cute little mortal in earnest.
#answers#Ford's still bonded to Bill and that'll be true until he dies#But since it likely wasn't an accident in his case he doesn't have Mindscape access#His prisoner has escaped and he's absolutely furious. Does Dipper have *any idea* how much havoc Cipher could cause#Dipper meanwhile has gotten Emotionally Attached at some point and goes off about maybe keeping PRISONERS for thirty years is fucked up#Dipper has a restless night of upset sleep#And wouldn't you know it Bill pops in with some creepy gift (flowers?? A screaming head? In a bouquet of flowers)#What can he say? The kid's real cute. He's been pretty decent company. He betrayed his uncle for Bill!! VERY Sexy of him#And MAN that MIND#He's straightening his tie and spritzing cologne on as he comes up with Date Ideas#Cue: Dipper Not Getting that Bill's 100% after him romantically now#Bill might be stuck with a familiar bond to Ford but since he's not powering THAT guy#Nothing stops him from going 'aw you're cute. Have a little magic why don'tcha' to Dipper#Like a rich man slapping a huge wad of cash in their partner's hand and pinching their butt while they tell 'em to go shopping#Demons *can* give power to mortals - they just don't usually do it without taking something in return during a deal#I enjoy the mental image of Bill taking a page from Hua Cheng's book and going 'oh you need some energy?? Sure!!'#'We gotta lock lips to make the transfer though so pucker up'#Dipper has no reason to question this statement even if he is skeptical#Anyway it probably all works out well in the end! With presumably Bill causing chaos more directly this time#Dipper all not realizing he has a crush until Bill shapeshifts human one time and he goes 'oh no I'm in danger'#I should stop before I get tempted to write this#I have other stuff to do damn it
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cinnamon-phrog · 4 months
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Just binged the dhmis webseries and tv show back to back I'm seeing stars
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the-casbah-way · 6 months
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i had a nap with my friend in his bed with their cat and i think it fixed something in me
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blujayonthewing · 4 months
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well I just spent an hour digging through my own dnd notes and social media and also almost cried because I mentioned, in passing, something justin had said about one of his NPCs and he, completely lightheartedly, was like '?? I don't remember that at all. [I mean I'm not making it up?] I think you might be making it up 😏'
#me-- instantly stressed and near tears: I know you're joking and it's not even important but. that isn't funny. to me.#I really wish there was a term for 'gaslighting but they're not doing it on purpose'#this is distinct from simply 'being wrong' because 'that's definitely not what happened 🤨' is a key part of it#the other person trying to convince me that I'm wrong and I must be crazy-- not for manipulation purposes but because THEY forgot#and are MUCH more confident in the possibility that I'm completely full of shit than that they maybe can't remember exactly#this is an extraordinarily specific thing that nonetheless happens to me ASTONISHINGLY OFTEN.#I mean clearly often enough that I'm now hair-trigger sensitive upset about it#AND TO CLARIFY QUICKLY-- that's not what justin even did (this time) but 'well I don't remember that' is still...#OKAY WELL I DO. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER BELIEVE ME.#trembling and crying searching for Receipts while explaining to my husband that it's not even that I don't think he believes me (this time)#I just. I just. I just. I'm not fucking crazy. I know you don't think I'm crazy. but I still feel like I Have to prove it.#my mom sending a package to the wrong address and then saying-- confidently and irritably-- 'you never GAVE me a unit number'#when I can scroll back up through texts to where I sent her our new address when we moved and it was complete and correct#my friend during our big stupid fight saying 'no one actually AGREED to that [dnd] plan except you and justin 😒'#going back into my audio recording to that conversation where everyone BUT him agreed#including his fucking pick-me 'yeah jay's being shitty right now' brother whose character said 'this sounds like a good plan' verbatim#like. I KNOW it's not just 'my memory vs theirs and we both assume we're right'#because SO OFTEN when this happens I have FUCKING RECEIPTS. that I'M NOT WRONG OR CRAZY.#no one ever wants to entertain the notion that I might know what I'm talking about.#I can't stress enough that I'm not mad at justin right now he was very much 'no I believe you! it's weird that I don't remember though'#which is fair! honestly! but I'm a LITTLE. sensitive. of the fact that everyone always ALWAYS automatically assumes I'm incorrect#and very often in a way that's a mark against my competence or character.#'well *I* couldn't *possibly* have gotten the address wrong so YOU must have fucked it up'#you know. it's like that. it's like that a lot.#maybe this only happens to me so much because I happen to be cursed with remembering things better than most people#or maybe I'm uniquely viewed as incompetent. who can say.#about me
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advisorsage · 4 months
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I think I've fucked up
#i ranted to my girlfriend and i know she probably is just busy but my brain is screaming that i made her upset even though..#my rant was about my own situation and how i feel about it and then i apologized for complaining at her and said that i wasn't supposed to#and I'm worried she thinks she's not supposed to complain to me when i just meant that i don't like telling people about my shit#and i know she said i could tell her and that she wants to support me but she and my boyfriend are my first relationships#and i don't want to fuck up and i think i have and i haven't told my boyfriend about my diagnosis yet#and I'm scared I'll complain at him too when i tell him and i don't care that he's told me i can and should complain to him#i don't want to saddle them with my complaints#and i called out of work because of how I'm feeling from my diagnosis and that's what i ranted to my girlfriend about#and i'm terrified she doesn't want to date me anymore because my reaction to being diagnosed with one more thing is so fucking pathetic#and i just need to cry and scream and throw up and i can't do any of those things and i feel like everyone except her is telling me#it's no big deal when it is a big deal and i don't think i got it through to my therapist and I'm just freaked out and i don't want to cling#and and and I'm just. i hate existing right now#i feel like i shouldn't do what i want to at home because i called out from work and i know that's stupid but i don't feel like i deserve#nice things right now despite needing them and I'm just so tired but not sleepy and i feel like I'm going to have a panic attack and#i can't even do anything about it!#fuck#i fucked myself over basically#anyway#drink water you heathens
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