#so ive been playin that a bunch | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

maraudereestauderelb · 3 years

Text

Touched

A Duff McKagan smut One Shot

Prompt: You go to a concert with one of your friends and band mates, who's having a thing with no other than the band's guitarist Slash. After the show you get to meet Duff McKagen and somehow end up having your first time with him.

MASTERLIST

Warning: sex (duh)

"They're good aren't they?", Y/F/N shouted over the loud music. "Amazing!" "Told ya!"

We were dancing along to the loud music and enjoying ourselves. It had taken her quite some time to convince me to come with her instead of heading for the Troubadour with our other two band mates. Apparently coming with my bassist had been the right choice though.

After a world tour, a successful album and quite a bit more money in my bank account than before we had left LA, I still felt more at home right here. In a rundown club on the strip with a still upcoming rock band on stage.

Y/F/N and I had fit in perfectly. Nobody would recognize just the two of us having a great time and getting drunk. Except maybe the group of aspiring musicians and rising rock bands of the strip. In this circle everyone knew everyone, knew in which bands they had played, who they were associated with, had partied together before and so on and so forth.

That was exactly the reason why we had ended up here. The lead guitarist used to play in a band called Road Crew and had surely attended one of the parties at our trailer before. Y/F/N knew him and she had told me he was in a new band that was very close on getting a record deal. "You gotta check them out! Heard they're fuckin good", had been the argument that had won me over in the end. Not so much her initial reason to come here. That being the fact that apparently the guy had been an awesome fuck and she wanted to get laid by him again.

Now being here, I didn't regret it. I was having fun! And I was back in my usual habitat and in a situation that was familiar. If after the concert she wanted to leave with her black haired curly-head she was free to do so. Either I'd bump into someone I knew or would simply head home and call it a night.

The singer seemed familiar as well and if I remembered correctly Nikki had left his ass outside at one of their parties.

"Yo, what's the lead singer's name again?", I asked Y/F/N. "Oh that's Axl. Hollywood Rose, remember?" "Oh yea, right!"

I got why those boys were apparently very close to making it. Shit, was Guns n' Rosesgood!

Y/F/N had successfully gotten us all the way through the crowd to the stage, where we danced and sang along some more until the band was finished.

A few moments after the last song had ended the club put on some generic rock music and blasted them through the speakers.

"You gonna head backstage or wait here?" This wasn't the type of club in which the band would go off stage and head backstage never to be seen again. They had a small room for all of them to change and would then most likely come out to party. I knew, because we had played here before.

"He saw me, so trust me, he's gonna come to me", she grinned, and I once again admired her confidence.

It didn't take too long before Slash really showed up. He greeted me as well and congratulated on our album, so I told him what a sick guitar player he is. I give credit where it's due.

But I also understood that it was probably best for me to piss off now. So that's what I did. I figured I'd get one last drink and keep my eyes open in case of seeing anybody I knew. And for real I spotted a few people I knew from college who quickly waved me over.

After telling them the generic shit everybody wanted to know coming back from tour, it actually turned into a lot of fun to party with them. No coke but sure as hell a lot of alcohol.

It was hours later when they decided to leave and I had actually planned to leave with them

when I spotted a barkeeper, I knew. He had also attended a bunch of our parties and was a cool guy. So I sat down at the bar and joked around with him some more as the club kept getting emptier.

The club surely was anything but empty at one point, neither was it packed. It wasn't so crowded anymore, and I had completely lost track of time when someone sat down on the barstool next to me.

I didn't pay much attention and simply took another sip from my vodka lemon until he said: "You know, your friend's already gone, right?"

I turned to face him and recognized him as one of Slash's band members, right after I had been speechless for a moment because of how handsome he was.

"Yea, I know", I nodded and added grinning: "So is your guitarist, right?" "Obviously", he answered laughing: "Should've seen him backstage after the concert, couldn't get to her fast enough!" I joined his laughter, finished my drink and looked around. "Your remaining band member's left with a groupie as well, huh?" "No, fuckin idea where they are", he smiled and waved over to Jimmy, the barkeeper: "Another one of these for the little Rockstar here and I take whatever she has."

"Thank you", I told him with a soft smile. He waved it off: "I'm Duff McKagan by the way." "Y/N Y/L/N", I replied. "I know, was at one of your trailer parties before ya guys became famous." "Oh were you?", I asked surprised. I would've bet I'd recognize such a pretty face. Blond, tall, bassist. I was in fuckin heaven.

"You then ones with the trailer with the IV in the living room, right?" "Yupp, that's us", I nodded with a smirk: "Then I'm sorry for not recognizing you..."

"Don't worry bout it", he smiled: "Doubt we got the chance to talk...not that I wouldn't have wanted to..."

"We should have! Then I probably would've listened to you guys sooner! And Oh. My. God. You're amazing!", I gushed excitedly. "Thanks! Hoping it'll get us where you are now." "You'd have to be a complete idiot not to fuckin sign you!"

"I fucking hope so", he sighed and took a big gulp from his vodka: "You the song writer, right?" He suddenly changed the topic.

"Yes, why?" "I dunno", he shrugged: "When I first saw your music video on TV I couldn't help but fuckin wonder what complete asshole hurt this beautiful girl..."

His words hit me like a fucking train, because they reminded me of my former best friend Nikki Sixx, whom I had been stupid enough to fall for, but soon my drunken brain focused on something else: He thought I was beautiful...

"An asshole that's no longer a problem", I laughed. "Well cheers to that", the blond guy smirked and clicked our glasses: "Lucky me."

I returned his smirk and soon felt his hand on my thigh.

"How come you didn't leave with a groupie?", I tease him and sip on my glass. "Not my thing..." "What an utter liar", I thought. "And also", he went on: "I saw you in the crowd dancing next to your friend and knew exactly who to go for."

The way he looked into my eyes send chills through my body and I quickly took another sip from my drink.

"You alright?", Jimmy asked from further away to make sure I was fine, and I quickly nodded.

"You're pretty confident, huh?", I asked Duff. "Why?" "Well, what if that one girl you decided to go for wasn't interested?", I teased him.

Was I interested? I mean...damn he was hot and watching him on stage had been hot! His touch on my thigh made me feel hot! But for fuck's sake I didn't knowhim!

"That would be pretty sad for both of us", he shrugged and winked at me before looking at his glass and away from me.

Was he right? God, I could already feel the heat inside of me rising and a quiet voice in the back of my head reminded me that I had seen him shirtless on stage and wondered what it would feel like to touch him.

But damn it, I was drunk!

He lit a cigarette and I gave my everything not to stare at his lips for longer.

"I liked you better when you were funny and not seductive", I shrugged as well with a smirk and made him laugh. "Ouch, thanks!", he replied smiling: "In that case you'd have loved to see me lookin like an idiot when I got to Slash and your friend hours ago just to realize your gone."

"Maybe you should've hurried more, you know, the way your friend Slash did", I teased him more and calmed my nerves.

"He's just a funny guy", I told myself: "Joke around with him some more and then get your ass back home."

"Well, in the end you waited here for me anyway." "Rockstars don't wait for anyone", I joked and took the cigarette from him to take a drag as well. I could tell he was staring at my lips this time but was ripped out of his thoughts when I handed it back.

He cleared his throat and said: "Always wanted to fuck a rockstar."

I almost choked on my drink. That was my sign. The cards were on the table. I should tell him that this certainly wouldn't be the night he'd get what he wants and leave! But I was curious... so damn curious...

I couldn't deny that I was attracted to him! Maybe I could at least make out with him...find out what his lips felt like...there was nothing wrong about that.

"That's what the girls always tell you?", I tried to mock him but was too nervous to sound convincing. "You're quite a joker, huh?" "At least tryin to..."

"It's cute", he admitted. "Good, because I never run out of stupid jokes..."

"Trust me, I'd know a way or two to shut you up", he grinned to himself and took a last drag before he stubbed the cigarette out.

God, his words went straight to my core and put pictures in my head I hated but at the same time desperately wanted to happen. I wanted to find out what he wanted to do!

"Ya know what I always wanted to find out?", I asked without thinking about it twice. "What is it, gorgeous?" "If it's true that bass players don't just have skilled fingers when it comes to playin instruments."

I cracked the joke before I had thought about it. Why? Because I always had to listen to idiots tell me that and because I somehow really wanted to find out.

His smirk grew winder than I had seen it all night and it made me knees weak. "I can definitely show ya that."

"How about you first make me shut up?"

I had barely finished my sentence before I felt his free hand in my neck and soon enough his lips on mine.

I felt like melting right then and there! His lips moving against mine felt so good! But what started as a rather innocent kiss quickly became more heated. I grabbed the hem of his leather jacket, not to pull him closer but because I needed to hold on to something, anything."

His lips were moving against mine before he gently captured my lower lip with his. It was hard not too moan on the spot! And even harder when I tasted his tongue.

I damned those stupid barstools! I wanted him closer, needed him closer.

When we finally separated again my entire body was totally antsy!

"Speechless?", he asked teasingly. God, he was so damn hot!

I tried to think of something witty and fun, but I couldn't summon a single proper thought.

"You know...to prove the other thing we should probably move this somewhere more private...", he whispered into my ear and hadn't goose pumps already covered my entire body they definitely would have after he seductively kissed my neck.

I should tell him no. I should move my fucking ass back home.

But when he leaned back again and all I could think about was how I buried my fingers in his blond hair, I just nodded...

He had his arm around my waist when he let me out of the club and down strip. It was still dark and it wasn't hard to tell that there were still a bunch of parties going on in other places as well. Like I said, I had long lost my sense for time.

"My place ain't far from here", he told me and I nodded. Excitement was bubbling inside of me and gosh, I couldn't wait to kiss him again!

All worries and negative thoughts had been long gone as we walked through the cold night. I kept looking at him from the side and tried to hide the excited smirk on my lips. But

damn, he was even taller than I had guessed and looked so handsome in the dim glow of the streetlights.

I didn't know what to say. Where words needed?

I realized how he eyed me as well and a smug smile appeared on his lips. Shit, I wanted him. I had never felt this need for someone before, but I had also never allowed myself to get this carried away.

I bit my lower lip and tried to clear my thoughts but that attempt was quickly thrown completely over board when he suddenly pressed my back against the closest wall and kissed me. The kiss almost took my breath away.

Here I was standing on the strip with my back against the wall of some club and making out with a complete stranger. And it felt so right.

"Duff", I whimpered against his lips in a needy tone. "We should probably keep going, huh?", he smirked a little out of breath himself. "Except you consider this somewhere more private", I said with a grin on my lips but felt how he led me on with his arm around my hips once again.

"Wouldn't mind", he shrugged and lit another cigarette: "But I wanna take my time with you."

I swallowed hard and accepted the cigarette he wanted to share with me.

The next five minutes of us walking passed mainly without much talking but then I found myself in his one-bedroom apartment.

Alone with him now I felt the nervousness set back in.

So this was how it's gonna be?

"You want somethin to drink or anything?", he asked from behind me and I shook my head. Soon I felt him against my back with his arms around my body and his lips on my neck and shoulder.

I suppressed the low moan that had wanted to escape my lips and simply leaned back against him.

He had soon gripped the hem of my dress and pulled it over my head. A shiver ran through me but his warm hands that travelled my body soothed me and quickly found the clasp of my bra and opened it.

He was still kissing my neck when he whispered: "Turn around to me." I obeyed immediately.

The sight of my bare breasts exposed before him made him fight to contain his arousal as he hardened in his boxers. He lowered his head and wrapped his lips around my nipple. He sucked gently and I failed to find something to hold onto.

It was weird to be almost naked in front of him while he was still fully dressed, at the same time it made me feel excited.

"Get on the bed, I got something to prove", the blond haired told me smirking and I nodded. I tried not to run to the bed and could barely believe how caught up in the moment I was. My entire mind was foggy!

I watched him take off his leather jacket before he walked over to me and moved my thighs apart so he could lay down between them.

I could feel him hard against my center through our clothes but before the nervousness consumed me he had his lips on mine again and consumed my senses instead.

His body was pressed against mine and he traced his fingers down my body. He stroked over my thighs and spread them even more before moving to my panties.

Through the fabric he pressed his hand against me and gently rubbed me. A soft moan left my lips and I stirred underneath him and spread my legs further. Duff smirked against my breats and took my nipple in his mouth again as he began to rub me through my panties. His fingers ran over my slit as heat began to pool and I whimpered.

"Duff", I moaned softly.

He pulled away from my titts and brought his lips to mine while his fingers rubbed at my clit.

My eyes were closed, and I was lost in the moment, but I managed to bring my hand to his head and tangled my fingers in his blond, long hair. My lips parted as another soft moan left them and Duff pushed his tongue inside my mouth, massaging my tongue with his own.

His fingers were moving in circles over my clit and I whimpered against his lips as my panties became more soaked with each move he made.

I moaned and writhed on the bed as his hand travelled beneath my panties. Both of us moaned as he ran his middle finger between my folds, feeling how wet I was.

I whined his name again and lifted my hips to meet his hand.

He pushed his erection against my thigh and instinctively I reached down and stroked him through his pants.

"God you’re so wet for me", he growled in in my ear.

I bit my lip and raised my hips when suddenly he pulled away from me.

He knelt on the bed and smirked at me before ripping my panties down my thighs and tossing them to the floor.

My heart felt like it was about to pump out of my fucking chest.

He moved between my legs and crashed his lips against mine.

His fingers made their way back to my core and he pushed his middle finger inside me with ease, making me gasp.

"You want me to fuck you?", he pulled his finger out teasingly slow.

I bit your lip and without thinking I nodded as he pushed his finger back in.

He added a second finger, stretching me slowly: "But not yet."

He pulled his fingers away and I whined at the emptiness. But before I could protest Duff spread my legs apart and laid between them.

He ran the flat of his tongue along my slit, making me gasp and clutch at the sheets.

His tongue ran over my clit in two slow strokes.

I quickly covered my mouth with my hand and let out a moan.

His tongue ran over my clit in slow circles and he reached his hands up to squeeze my breasts. When he sucked at my clit I let out another moan into my hand and Duff pulled away.

"Oh No, baby", he told me and moved my hand from my mouth: "I wanna hear you."

I bit my lip and watched as he went back to his slow licks and his eyes never left mine as he ran his tongue over me. I felt like I was burning.

I squeezed my eyes shut and reached down, wrapping my fingers in his blond hair and raised my hips to meet him. He pulled back, only slightly and ran his fingers over my slit. He let out a growl as he watched, pushing two fingers into your throbbing pussy.

"Duff", I gasped and already felt extremely full. "Don't panic", I told myself and threw all worries away when he began to pump his fingers in and out of me, slowly at first before he increased his speed.

"You like that, baby girl?"

I moaned in response and he stopped his movements. He sucked at my clit and the change in pleasure made me squirm.

I whined and lifted my hips to meet the strokes of his tongue.

He moaned against me and the vibrations sent pleasure soaring through my veins. He began pumping his fingers once more, curling them against my wall and rubbing against my gspot.

I writhed on the bed, clutching at the sheets because of the amount of pleasure.

"Fuck..."

"You gonna cum for me doll?", he growled against me.

I sunk my teeth into my bottom lip as my orgasm coursed through me. MY walls clenched around his skilled fingers and his tongue didn’t stop running over your clit, making my legs tremble.

When my orgasm started to slow down he got up and took his clothes off, throwing them anywhere. Before he sat back down between my thighs, I watched him put on a condom through barely open eyelids.

Without a warning and therefor without giving me the time to over think this he plunged his cock into me. I gasped at his size and raked my nails down his back.

The pain was sharp and unknown.

"God you feel so good baby."

He crashed his lips against mine, stifling my moan as he pulled out of me slowly.

"So tight." He pushed into me again. I was frowning and pushed my eyes closed as I was trying to adjust to him. Fuck, he felt so good at the same time this hurt so bad but in the best way possible.

I moaned and ran my hands over his back as he set a pace with deep and slow thrusts. He wanted me to feel every inch of him entering me and he lost himself in the little whimpers I made as he pushed into me. After a few more thrusts when the pain was starting to die down, he pulled out of me and knelt on the bed.

"Rollover", he ordered.

I bit my lip and obeyed, kneeling in front of him on all fours. Duff let out a breath as he looked at my ass.

I felt him run his cock over my center before he pushed into me once more.

"Duff...", I hissed.

His change of angle set a whole new sense of pleasure and he set a faster pace. It hurt but felt so good... His cock slammed into me and I collapsed against the mattress, falling onto my elbows, arching my back more in doing so.

He brought his hand down swiftly, slapping my ass and making me gasp.

Duff gripped my hips and I moaned between breaths as he picked up a fast and hard pace, slamming into me hard and fast. He leaned forward and pulled my hair into a ponytail, his thrusts never slowing down. With a gentle tug at my hair he pulled me back onto all fours and with his spare hand he reached under me.

His fingers found my clit and he rubbed clumsy circles. I bit my lip, trying to contain my moans and arched my back. He leant over me, his breath on my shoulder and hearing his staggered breathing sent me into overdrive. He released his grip in my hair only to wrap his hand around your throat gently and pull me back enough so he could turn my head around to kiss him. Just what I needed.

"You gonna cum for me?"

I attempted to nod, which proved difficult with his grip on my throat. He didn't wait for an answer though and rubbed his fingers over my clit faster.

"Cum for me, babygirl."

I lost all control, my eyes rolling back as the waves of pleasure rolled through me, sending shivers all over my skin. His pace was sloppy now and I knew he was almost ready as well. He slowly pulled away and turned on his back so I knelt down on wobbly legs. I removed the condom and licked along his throbbing cock and he let out a low moan. I took him as deep as I could and began to suck him off until he grasped his cock and pumped it a few times before coming in my mouth.

I swallowed his load and his deep moans send a few last chills through me.

Both of us collapsed against the sheets, a sheer layer of sweat covering my skin as I tried to catch my breath.

"Shit that was good", he exhaled and placed a lazy kiss on my shoulder. "Yes, it was", I thought and grinned to myself, trying to process what had happened.

#guns n roses #smut #duff mckagan #duff mckagan imagine #duff mckagan smut #duff mckagan x reader

212 notes · View notes

peachvly · 3 years

Text

also can we just talk about how ea was like "21 years of sims so we r gonna do something special just for you!!1!!11!!" and then its just a bunch of cc that we could have downloaded from the creators ourselves???? like where did ea put the effort in here? props to the cc creators but also like?? u think ive been playin the sims for the past 6 yrs and havent found a good lipstick yet?

again no shade to the creators its not like they did a bad job but just imagine how epic it would have been if ea had tried to improve the emotion system?? or fixed whims? or made babies more interesting and not just objects tied to a crib? like c'mon. we dont need more build and cas objects we can download cc for that - what really needs attention is the game itself!!!

#nah cant be fucked lets just get cc creators to do all the work #but leave it to ea to put in the least amount of energy #they legit were like

47 notes · View notes

swampgallows · 2 years

Text

tagged by @aeiroki

nickname: i LOVE being wamo.

zodiac: pisces sun gemini moom leo rising

height: i used to believe i was 5′7″ but after being shrimpmode in my bed for 5 years who knows

last thing i googled: i use incognito out of habit (i hit ctrl+shift+n for a new tab then start typing) but ive also been using duckduckgo instead of google so i dont know if it counts. BUT sometimes i do have to use google for when my search terms aint boolean enough and im lookin up some kind of esoteric meme. i think the last thing i truly googled was “hoo wojak meme”, which did produce the desired result

followers: umm its like ~2500 right now i think. most are defunct accounts

song stuck in my head: dune — lost in space (la la hey la la hoo)

how much i sleep: LMFAOOO i slept 3 hours after being up for 24 then was up another 15 before finally getting to sleep. the answer is ‘not enough’

lucky number: not really sure, sometimes 4 or 8 but both have very bad connotations too

aesthetic: kinda ‘graver’ but once im out in the world some more i might go further into the dark side over my usual candy rave. ive missed wearing tripps n stuff (even though for me it’s still just throwin on jeans and a t shirt)

dream job: after being unemployed for this long anything where i can contribute and im valued and can be myself is enough for me.

wearing: pajamas and underwear and socks all with holes in them

favorite instrument: i like a bunch of weird acoustic folk instruments i guess. hurdy gurdy. accordion. xylophone, uilleann pipes. tb303, hoover if it counts. pizzicato synths. i like lots of strings. cello, violin, any kinds of gnarly strings. i always wanted to learn to play the violin but im too shy to play an instrument (rather, to be heard practicing one. or performing or whatever)

favorite song: man this is tough i dunno. there are ‘songs’ then there are ‘tracks’, all are hard to pick. there are some songs that resonate with specific times in my life so they can conjure up memories, both bad and good. it’s hard not to get attached to music (or rather to have music imprint itself on certain times in my life) but i find despite my best efforts that they build up the associations no matter what. and even when played throughout the decades or in wildly different scenarios it just builds into a katamari amalgam of points in time, like flipping through channels or through a reel of film. its why i break down crying so much when im djing lol

favorite animal noise: my lil xena bean when she goes awooo

something random: been playin a lot of hots and still need a new friend in pogo. sall i got goin on. and it’s been raining so my sleep and activity levels are bad lol

taggin whoever if you wanna

#tagged with my name #long post /

4 notes · View notes

lostjulys · 2 years

Text

Anyway. wil ctubboapologist update ^_^ i am going 2 make cookies in a bit.. i Forgor that. i have my lever harp at home!! my baby melusine!!!! so ive been playin her a whole bunch i am Not used to playing her anymore :] also like apparently they put my backup music stand & shit in storage so Well. just hangin out here? ig? i will figure that out. but yeaa fuckin.. instrumence :)

#dot text #still do not like being here though. u know how it goe.s

6 notes · View notes

funpicturesofponies · 4 years

Text

be friends with me on Switch SW-6498-2361-1028 ive really gotten into playing online lately (currently into mario kart and SWSH) maybe we can play together. id love to have a bunch of friends on there who actually know me rather than a bunch of strangers :)

also Pokemon Go 8505 5935 2710 im playin that again too. i try to send gifts out as often as possible but i only got a couple pokestops out here so i run out alot :’T

also also ive been working on christmas gifties for a couple months now and im really excited how theyre turning out, ill prolly start posting around thanskgiving like usual.

36 notes · View notes

incorrecttwoset · 4 years

Text

Lesson time with Dani:

youtube

I think the thing we all learned here today is classical music is still very, VERY much alive. And that pop could be a pretty iNtEreStInG way to indoctrinate introduce people to classical music. I've been listening to a bunch of pop lately and honestly? It was a WEIRD experience. I kept getting befuddled by the amount of music there was (3 minutes of catchy beats is nOTHING against a half hour of intense musical dialog, argument, and passion) and the repetitiveness and simplicity of it (like dude wheres the motif? Is the motif your beat? Why is it playing the same thing over and over? Huh?). But, its still good music. There were a couple outliers too, that really gave me an experience. (Check out seasonal feathers by hitoshizuku it broke my heart) Look, what im trying to say is- classical and pop are both amazing genres of music that can do incredible things and I'm just happy that they can coexist together in one... piece? Of music. (My opinion might be a lil different compared to my lesson time on their other vid but hey people change)

So, lets get on with the songs!

Road to Kingdom - T. O. P. (Covered by Golden Child) and Swan Lake - Tchaikovsky. I... honestly, I didn't hear it at first. The electro music covered up much of the phrase. (please forgive my horrible usage of musical terms im just a kid thats really into classical music, in still learning how to understand and appreciate it everyday mkay?) Well, that's what I thought at first but I guess the transition from electro pop to singing along with classical jarred me so much that I had to listen to it a couple times before catching it. Anyways, the singing kinda vibed a lil with the music but when they changed singers or went a higher key, it started loosing that (already really loose) connection because even though I knew the tchaik would go higher, the singer went higher in a different key and it felt pretty weird and strange like what Eddy said. But overall, id listen to it. ...which isn't really that high of praise since I listen to everything (oh man... the days when i could still rap eminem's rap god to perfection...)

Shinhwa - T. O. P. and Swan Lake - Tchaikovsky (again). I'm not mad at them for using this a lot actually. I've been trying to watch the ballet on youtube but my classical music listening and appreciation and understanding skills are not yet that refined. (Aka i was already a goner when aCT ONE SCENE TWO WAS STARTING. Sigh, i need more training... and more Inside the Score) aNYWAYS- To quote Eddy, oh tHATS SO WEIRD. I literally said it at the exact same time as him lol. But like seriously thoooo. I thought it was gonna like, transition to the piece but like. No. They're just... singing to the tune. I mean like, you can't ruin perfection you guys but like- add a tune? Or something of your own? That isnt just lyrics? Ah shit, now I cant stop imaging playboy!Tchaik ugh. Thank you for making my brain run a mile a minute and being the reason why I won't be sleeping for a couple hours.

Top Dog - Topp Dog and Symphony in G Minor, No. 25 - Mozart. When I heard the first notes of the piece, I reacted the same as both of them. Aka, i recognized it but I forgot the name. As you do with classical music. I've always wanted to download and listen to that piece. Maybe this is a sign... Anyways, the piece here really just vibed with the song ykno? I think its because they decided that they didn't want to overpower the piece by slapping their own music on top but like... they accented and accompanied and complimented it without the spotlight being stolen from them. They brought their own little twist to it and I feel like thats why it works so much. But, I still prefer the orig because it isnt just tHREE MINUTES LONG. (cue airhorns and fire emojis) But its a great combo overall. 10 out of 10, would classical again.

Jimin - Lie and La Vida Breve - Manuel de Falla. Honestly, to me, i feel like literally anyone could come up with that tune. Its like, a really fast beat. You know how almost every basic piece of music uses dun dun tss as a beat? Its kinda like that to me. Because, speaking from my own personal opinions here, fast beats sound nice and that doesnt necessarily mean that it was inspired by a fast part in a piece. Or maybe Jimin listens to classical. WhO kNoWs?

Cherry Bullet - Hands Up and Beethoven's Fur Elise. That "EeeEeeeh" part made me laugh out loud the first time i watched this vid. It still jarrs me like oh my god what the heck why. Dude, they literally just slapped that part into different parts of the song and im- you didnt need to give me more reason to be sick of the opening of Fur Elise. I feel like if I listened to that, the opening is gonna be stuck in my head forever. At least they didnt repeat the "EEEEEE" thing. And honestly, id love to agree with the bois on this one but like... the opening of the song itself broke me im so sorry im so hung over this one detail gOD.

Gfriend - Summer Rain and Schumann - Dichterliebe. All i can say in this part is... Thank you editor-san for adding in that one detail those precious boys missed. But, as ive only seriously gotten into classical recently and therefore arent familiar with a lot of composers works, i can only hear the influence in the beginning instrumental of the song. So uh... might give it a listen for detail. But, i probably wont.

And, oh yeah is it just me or do they seem really tired? Or just... kinda out of it in this one? Because at the end, Eddy was just kinda... playin around with ding ding while Brett carries the energy for the both of them. Hope theyre not stressed but if they are, i hope they get some much needed rest and energy. I also wonder what was up with yesterday. Aka, they didn't post a vid yesterday and i got cONCERNED. I just hope theyre alright.

3 notes · View notes

thevalleyoftriumph · 5 years

Note

what game have you been playing a lot, recently?

besides cookie run, ive been playin this cute nonogram game; you do a bunch of nonograms and when u make a certain amount they make a picture, and the picture is part of a story! its super cute, and ive picked it back up again only recently after falling out of it (so many numbers,,)

cant remember the name and im not about to check, but its about a deer and wolf who, in a past life, were a couple who had died in an accident and were brought back as, well, a deer and wolf, because they both promised to be with eachother in the next life. everything that the story reveals after that, in the nonograms, is technically a spoiler so i wont say how that goes but!! the art is so damn cute!!!!

the game itself is really easy; its literally just nonograms with a 9-lives system. im currently on the 5th picture in the 15x15 nonogram set (each 15x15 needs 36 nonograms to make a picture ad by the time of posting this i have done 5/36)

there are also mini nonograms that you can do if youre bored of the bigger ones!

theres two paths you can take; deer n wolf. i started on deer and havent TOUCHED wolf. going left to right, u kno?

anyway yeah if you can find the name of the game id highly reccomend it. fun,,

1 note · View note

maryreadings · 5 years

Text

hozier’s new album is fantastic and i have been listening to it while i diligently continue working on my modern kiddway fic. these bunches of lyrics from different songs on the album resonated with my fic so i thought i’d share bc lbr kiddway needs some content even if it’s just this

when you move i am put to mind of all that i wanna be when you move i could never define all you are to me

i wouldn’t know where to start sweet music playin’ in the dark be still my foolish heart don’t ruin this on me

i’d be appalled if i saw you ever try to be a saint i wouldn’t fall for someone i thought couldn’t misbehave but i want you to know that i’ve had no love like your love and on the other side, why should we deny the truth? we could have less to worry about, honey, i won’t lie to you but everything i do i’ve had no love like your love

i won’t deny i’ve got in my mind now all the things i would do so i try to talk refined for fear that you find out how i’m imagining you

#kiddway #modern kiddway au #kristin talks #kristin writes

5 notes · View notes

gh0stpkmn · 7 years

Text

Yooran AU/scenario where yoosung has a popular gaming channel & streams his gameplay

(under the read more)

yoosung is #2 in his server soooo... he’s probably well-known among other players??

(fuck idk how league of legends and world of warcraft work because ive never played either but. anyways.)

i dunno if its common for people with a really high ranking to be like mini-celebrities in the community but.. for the purposes of this whole shebang, yoosung is really well known

and very popular especially because he goes out of his way to help out less experienced players even though he’s one of the big guys at the top, you know? very humble and very kind which only makes him stand out more

eventually people suggest that he try streaming on twitch (or “afreeca” which a lot of south korean gamers use i think?) and make a gaming channel. and he’s all for it!!!!

yoosung’s channel gets popular pretty quickly?? he starts out at a solid point because his LOLOL buddies that he usually plays with and his guild members support his channel/streams a lot and spread the word (when they’re not playing w/ him while he streams ofc)... it doesn’t take long at all for it to rlly take off, and he gains a decently big following!!

he’s already been dating saeran for quite a while when he starts his channel but saeran is very shy so yoosung is careful to respect saeran’s privacy. when saeran is over while yoosung is streaming, he stays out of sight of the facecam and keeps quiet

yoosung’s LOLOL friends know him though bc he talks about his boyfriend every now and then in voice chat w/ them, but also bc saeran is at his place a lot and they hear him in the background, or hear yoosung talking to him occasionally.

i guess at some point during one of his streams, his buddies casually ask where saeran is and they ask how he’s doing and all that... because he’s never in the streams at all and they haven’t heard from him in a while.

yoosung’s like “yeah he’s here! he’s doing alright! just hanging out watching tv.”

and his fans who don’t know abt saeran are just like. “?????? who is saeran” yoosuung tells them that he’s a friend that hangs out his place a lot and that he’s just sort of shy (2 respect saeran’s privacy and also bc they haven’t decided if they wanna be so publicly out yet??)

and naturally, his viewers are kinda curious and it makes them more curious when yoosung and his friends bring him up briefly but saeran is Never seen or heard in any streams or videos. the boy is a goddamn Mystery to yoosung’s viewers.

tbh saeran probably like.. watches the streams a lot when he’s not at his boyfriend’s house but he uses some random fake name or some shit so no one in the chat can tell he’s there.

eventually like. he gets less shy, more comfortable and he can be heard in the background making a noise or smth. asking yoosung a question. that kind of thing.

the first time it’s an accident and everyone is like “!??! who is that???” and yoosung tells them and they get So Excited and respond with “!!! THERE HE IS!!!! the elusive saeran!!” yoosung and his friends just laugh bc its funny n cute?

but ye he steadily makes more casual background appearances and it pretty much becomes one big meme with yoosung’s friends and viewers. they say stuff like

“new cryptid discovered”

and “he’s a legend.... a myth... no one has ever seen his face”

(shitty harry potter quote) “it’s like trying to catch smoke... like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands.”

“some say he can wipe your memories so you forget that you ever met him”

its. so good... Every Time they hear the fridge closing or a voice in the background or they catch a lil flash of red hair behind yoosung on the face cam, the chat Explodes like “THERE HE IS!!! there he is! he really does exist!!”

they both find it rlly hilarious omg. saeran says it’s stupid and dumb at first but he obviously loves it... he laughs out loud a few times watching what people are saying abt him while he’s at yoosung’s and ppl hear it and are like “!!!! what is he laughing at??”

yoosung: “ oh haha he’s lookin at the chat right now”

the chat: “omg he sees us!!!!”

“saeran! reply if you’re real! we need proof!!!”

“there he is. the absolute madman”

“hi, saeran!”

“you should sit by yoosung so we can see you!!”

“saeran!! hello!! have you eaten?”

its so sweET and cute!! and i feel like maybe around this time as stuff like this continues happening.. a lot of viewers kinda assume or are starting to suspect that they’re dating? idk.

maybe yoosung doesn’t outright say anything or confirm their relationship but there are a lot of clear signs like...yoosung moves away from his mic t talk to saeran more often (stuff like asking him what he wants for dinner, laughing abt some offhand comment he made)... the fact that saeran is at yoosung’s so often, too. it’s obvious that they’re very comfortable with each other and they seem close

and a biggest indicator is probably the way yoosung talks abt saeran when the chat notices he’s there in the bg? like:

“Aw, you guys, you’re making him embarrassed.” or “...Huh? Oh, don’t worry! He’s not replying because he’s really shy.” or “Haha, I think I can see him blushing!”

this probably goes on for a pretty long time? a few months. gradually saeran appears more, comes over to comment on the game or how yoosung is playing, maybe cheer him on a little? while mostly staying out of sight... tho sometimes when he feels less anxious he’ll be directly behind or beside yoosung in the facecam feed.

his viewers think he’s super cute when they see his face for the first time, and they say so in the chat. yoosung agrees w them like

“Yeah. He really is, isn’t he?”

and the chat Explodes again bc

that’s probably the first official confirmation in a stream that they’re in a relationship. saeran is embarrassed and flustered and annoyed but also kind of happy and he says “Shut the fuck up.” and covers his face w his hands and he’s Bright red but also smiling just a teeeny tiny bit behind his hands.

yoosung’s LOLOL friends are so relieved that they don’t have to keep it a secret anymore and they start teasing yoosung in streams almost as much they do when they’re just playin together casually

after that, ppl start suggesting/requesting that saeran and yoosung play games together on the stream!!!

and at first theyre a lil hesitant for a few reasons? like, saeran still has a lot of issues and gets vvvvvery Anxious so it might be a bit stressful for him. and also that content would be so different than yoosung’s usual stuff.

(also even tho they’re never that affectionate in streams bc saeran is iffy about pda, theyyyy... still worry a little about people bein’ dickbags bc its a mlm relationship and the internet can be a mean place... idk i also dont know how widely accepted same-gender couples are in south korea?? but ye)

BUT a lot of ppl seem to want it!!

so when saeran gains enough confidence, they do it!! they maybe make a separate channel for streaming that stuff. they just post recorded videos on his regular channel tho under a specific title and it’s its own little series.

and it turns out it’s almost as popular as his other content and does rlly well!

occasionally they play LOLOL casually together but saeran isn’t rlly into it as much as yoosung is so mostly they play a bunch of different multiplayer games. they also play a lot single-player ones that are very story-driven or just. interesting in general.

a couple times they play horror games and those ones are really popular bc yoosung gets So Scared. he Hates horror games he’s so jumpy at everything and screams so loud.

meanwhile saeran barely reacts. he might occasionally get surprised by a jump scare on his more anxious days but most of the time he’s like....... so.. calm. so unfazed by everything that viewers are like “what the fuck dude” “how is he so chill right now”

however... even tho the horror game streams/videos are rlly popular, they don’t do them that often bc yoosung gets legitimately scared often to a point where he doesn’t enjoy them lol ... its ok tho bc saeran snuggles him afterwords but. YyYYyeeah. yeah.

saeran and yoosung have a lot of fun and their viewers love them and it’s a very good fun pure thing n everyone is happy.

the end

( really Unlikely but cute bonus for a few years later: yoosung fucks up on the stream talkin w his buddies and accidentally mentions smth abt proposing to saeran before he actually does it and bc he’s streaming to a fuckton of ppl, it gets around so fast and saeran finds out right away. yoosung is so embarrassed and frustrated that he ruined the surprise )

god pleas e... talk to me about yooran. i need people to talk to about this ship so i can stop posting long things like this like a loser lol

#yooran #. gh0st blabs

202 notes · View notes

ninjasheep12 · 7 years

Text

"You gotta help us!" Part 2

Warning- A death mentioned I ran past the lot, running all the way to the park before I started to walk. What were they thinking? A kid? Inviting me over near that thing? They're insane. They've lost it. My mind ran back and forth as my breath ran unsteady and my limbs started to shake. "This can't be happening... it's not happening... it didn't happen." I whisper, trying my hardest to collect myself. I hated kids. They were tiny devils. All they did was spit and drool and- God- that giggle thing they always did. That was the worst. They'd smile at you as if you hadn't just cleaned their mess. I couldn't stand it. They always grew up and hated you or ran off every second you turned your back anyhow. They always found trouble. I began to hyperventilate as I walked towards the Soc part of town unknowingly. A few cars slowly made their way past me as I walked about, but I didn't really catch on. When I began to take in the expensive houses, I began to wish I had one- even then it still didn't click. I actually didn't notice I was in Soc territory until a bunch of girls were heard laughing. When I looked at them, they stood in a circle, giggling over a magazine of some sort. The dresses stood out like a poisonous frog and I spun in a circle, taking in all the Soc territory. I quickly turned on my heal and bolted back to greaser territory, lucky that no one had gathered their friends to jump me yet. I made it to greaser territory and went on over to the park. I couldn't go back to the Curtis house and I couldn't head to the lot or DX. I wasn't willing to go home at this point, I was too out of breath to run the distance back to be yelled at by my father. All he ever did was laze around the house yet he told me how God awfully hard he worked all day. It made no sense to me. I sat on top of the monkey bars and hung upside down, closing my eyes and taking the silence in. I didn't dare open them when the sound of a car came around. If it was Socs, I'd be mighty fine with them jumping me right about now. I'd just lay on the ground until they left and sleep in the park as if I was okay. The car shut off and feet were heard making their way towards me. I shut my eyes tighter as if preparing to be socked in the face, but it never came. "Y/n." Two-bits voice caught me off guard and the same time I opened up my eyes, I fell off the monkey bars. I sat up on the ground and looked at the gang. All of them were there, the kid no where to be seen. "Where's the thing?" I ask, turning to Darry. "She is in the truck, now what happened back there?" He asks, kneeling down beside me. I shake my head as the boys, Dallas included, sat down to listen. "I don't like kids." I state. "Well we kinda gathered that back at the house." Dallas remarks, earning a glare from Soda. He shrugs and sits up straight, digging a lighter from his pocket. "How come you don't like em? Don't all women want em?" Pony asks, clearly confused. "No," I snap. My voice was quiet yet held it's tone. "I don't want to be 'round any kid. Not no more." "Y/n, can ya at least tell us what's gotten into your head about why kids are evil or somethin'?" Soda asks, sitting up straight to look at me. "Yeah, ya fled the house like the devil was after ya." Steve commented. Soda glared at his friend as if to tell him to hush up and listen. I look over at Johnny, who has remained quiet the whole time. Our eyes met and I look away to pluck at the park grass beneath me. "Johnny, ya haven't said anythin'." He clears his throat a bit and finally speaks. "Kids aren't all that bad actually, y/n." I sigh and look at the boys. "Is it asleep or somethin'?" Darry nods. "Stop changing the subject, girly. Mind tellin all of us what's with you and kids?" "I-I can't be 'round em. I can't stand to be 'round them..." the boys stay quiet as I speak so I continue. "two years ago, I had a little brother... his name was Desi. He was my whole purpose in life... everything I did, I did it for him. Until I was put in charge of watching him... it was in the summer and we headed out to the tiny little lake in the woods. We were messin 'round playin hide-n-seek and he told me to count to one hundred. I guess he fell into the water and I couldn't hear him over my counting.. I just remember going to find him and just seeing his body floating there- not movin o-o-or anythin." By now I was bawling into my hands and Darry pulled me close to him. Soda and Pony joined into the hug, and soon, everyone other then Dally was in on it. Dallas just sat there and smoked, giving me a sympathetic look. I didn't expect him to join in, but it would've been nice at the moment. It's not like I really noticed he Haden's joined in, I was too busy crying. "Hey it's alright." Soda said, rubbing my back. I shook my head. "It was all my fault." Johnny cut in this time. "It ain't your fault, y/n. Don't blame yourself... somethings things just happen and ya can't stop em." I just cry harder. "I-Ive hated kids all this time- because o-of myself. I j-just wanted t-to keep em all aw-way from me." After a while, what seems like forever, I finally calm down a bit. The boys are still crowded around me and I sniffle a bit. "I miss him." They all nod. "We know ya do, y/n." There's a long silence as I wind down from everything. "Say, why don't I give the thing a chance? Y'know, I'll keep my distance and all- but I just want to feel a kid again...know what it's like to hold them.. to know the carefree laughs they have.." "I'd say that's a good idea, y/n. She started towards ya as soon as she saw ya." Johnny said. You nodded and Darry helped you off the ground. "But lets go to the house before anythin'." I grin. We arrive to the house and I've never had so much fun since Desi left. She reminded me so much of him. The way she'd giggle at words she didn't even know, they way she'd run around the room or explore the house. It made me feel safe and connected on the inside. Especially when she fell asleep in my arms. By the time a knock on the door was heard, I wasn't ready for her to go. Darry carefully opened the door. A lady stepped in and smiled at me after giving Darry a hug. I carefully stood up and handed the little girl over to her mother. "Thanks for watching her. I never get her to sleep like that." She thanked everyone. "Yeah, bring her over any time." Darry said. She looked back over at me. "Could you tell me how you got her to go to sleep like that? You look mighty young to know all the kicks and round abouts to children." I only smile. "I can show ya. It ain't too hard ma'am."

#the outsiders #darry curtis #ponyboy curtis #sodapop curtis #steve randle #dallas winston #johnny cade #two bit mathews

1 note · View note

isaacathom · 5 years

Text

like if saval is an assassin, right, we have an immediate moral issue. because her group is not robin hood’ing this shit. this isn’t a righteous murder. this is politics.

the hounds are firm southerners, and imperial loyalists at that. the throne is their lord, as it were, and their goals have shifted with each emperor upon the throne. ergo, we have to look at who was in power during Saval’s life to figure what sort of crimes she’s doing. so for... 8 years, its Treveon II. since 402 (so 12 years, saval is only 20) its Brimeon IV. an important thing about Treveon is that he was far more a diplomat than many of the other modern emperors. The guy was playin the balancing act of power, and he was doing decently. his main dropping of the ball was letting the Shonyul’s get so much power, but he was able to win them back to his side with negotiation. this is the reason the shonyuls havent already revolted against Brimeon - out of respect for Treveon. Treveon was an emperor worthy of such. however, this does not mean he is fully innocent or anything. there were two failed assassinations on dravulean during his time as emperor - while its possible neither were him (or the hounds, as it happens), its unlikely. the 403 and 410 efforts (Dravulean and Larusion respectively) were 100% Hound endeavours, but thats under Brimeon, and thats getting ahead of the curve.

in the context of what happened, id say the 396 attempt was local, but the 399 attempt was a Treveon effort. except, we have another factor - this is after Brimeon’s formal adoption of heir apparent, and it occurs when Treveon is 79. so odds are actually quite high this had a lot more to do with Brimeon and his heavy handed bullshit than Treveon. The hand over was steady, if you follow.

so. in practice. all of saval’s time actively doing stuff has been under Brimeon “Small Dick Energy” IV. alright. if there are 3 whole attempts on the telziado royal family during his tenure, it stands to reason that Brimeon’s hounds are an aggressive bunch. dude doesnt have a lot of power and is trying to make it through threats and violence. many vosti nobles and prominent civilians have likely died by their hands, not to speak of Telziado nobles, and Waal Zaimyalkee + Skarhan politicians. mostly Waal Zaimyalkee. mostly. skarhu is a bit of the way and the hounds dont usually operate there, since its reaaaaaallly fucking annoying to get in and out of. at least with telziad an WZ you can just illegally cross the border through the forests and mountains, no big. gotta catch a fucking ferry and shit, the seas suck, no thanks.

but yea. aggressive. if that holds true, then it stands to reason that a small girl like Saval would make a good assassin. small, fast, etc. that doesnt mean she was. it means she could be. it just heightens the likelihood when you remember that the hounds are basically the extrajudicial arm of the emperor, YEEHAW

so, should she be? doing so would immediately lower that moral bar, since the hounds are absolutely killing people who are threats to the vosti agenda, which often means ‘good’ people. like folk who are pushing a telziado agenda, and so forth. technically dravulean is an exception but they wanna kill him to get a pro-vosti dude (erameon) on the throne (tech his dad but dont worry about it). even if saval is in that situation where she doesnt really have a say (cause, yknow, raised in that environment, etc,etc, the choice thing) it still ISNT GREAT? like im not sure im totally down. like, i dont think saval lacks enough empathy to do that. shes not a fountain of love, but she knows what goddamn regret is.

ooh, possibly that ties into her role as that double agent? the idea behind the double agent thing to dismantle the Scavengers was that the agent was basically a lost cause. they (saval) would take the fall for the whole thing. saval was gonna stay in prison or die for the whole thing, because saval had failed in something unspecified. thats been sort of in her thing for a while. that her role in this plan was to die, because she had ‘served her purpose’. so perhaps she HAD been assigned an assassination (perhaps something minor, or even the big king shit - the poisoning of larusion in 410). if the former, possibly she went all the way through with it but reacted really badly to the whole affair and almost got caught and basically had to be hidden for months to sorta ‘refresh’ the stuff. new codename, etc etc, clear the steam. that would basically signal to the hounds that saval wasn’t really cut out for the important stuff, like the planned full assassination of the royal family, and that it would be best to either relegate her to unrelated matters, OR find a non-murder thing for her to do. Oh look, a suicide mission! fantastic :) if its the latter, then she didn’t end up succeeding. that wasss a multi person job (someone went in long term to become a servant in the palace, someone to supply the stuff, etc) and the servant in that situation already took the fall (like. dravulean killed them, straight up). punishing saval (presumably delivery?) doesnt make much sense. i think it would be the first option. that saval has killed, but it went REALLY badly because she just. fucking. no???? it was way more grisly than it was meant to be, it got way more attention than it was supposed to, and saval had to get an identity refresh to keep safe from the cops. thats not great! but of course, saval wants to prove they still deserve to be in the hounds, because its the only home she’s ever known, etc etc. and so, they give her the suicide mission. it makes her happy, and she does her job well (to a point) and they get to get rid of an underperforming person

while on the face its stupid to put an underperformer in such a position, their rationale wasnt totally stupid. saval was a good petty crim. thievery? boom. spying? yeeee. not like, exceptional, but solid. given that the mission is basically to act as a spy (and a thief in that role) and then act as an official spy for the sinofis guard plays to what saval is good at. plus it does leave the hounds with the possibility that, if they change their mind on what saval ‘deserves’, they could break her out. possibilities!

idk. the plan is complicated. but basically i think saval definitely has blood on her hands, but that she didn’t enjoy it and did it poorly. 0/10

#story blogging #shano fe yula #and there you have it i guess - saval is a /failed/ assassin

0 notes

haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

Text

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more.

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya.

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else.

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah.

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds.... ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other.

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks)

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!) anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until. yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...) ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess)

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade.

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh.

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.)

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me) but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that....

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that.

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it- idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk.

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first) i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” )

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it.

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is?

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

0 notes