#so i'll say words i don't believe

[baby-girl-aaron-dessner]

bigger than the whole sky // t.s.

#so i'll say words i don't believe #first artwork: The Last Day of Pompeii by KARL BRYULLOV #second artwork: Venus Rising from the Sea by Gustave Moreau #third artwork: Cape Saint Elias Alaska by SYDNEY LAURENCE #goodbye goodbye you were bigger than the whole sky #bigger than the whole sky #taylor swift #taylorswift #ts #my edit #midnights #midnights 3am edition #midnights 3am version #oil paintings #oil on canvas #painting #artwork #art #typography #ts edit #tswiftedit #tswiftlyrics #ts lyrics #lyrics #lyric edit #taylor swift edit #tsedits #edit #the eras tour #taylor swift lyrics

[blackwaxidol]

Ru'thûn is no Osmium royal, she has no common blood with the Hive Gods. she comes from no extant Swarm known to the Vanguard, or even most Hive.

her armour is fluted steel, yet coarse like sharkskin. it is older than humanity, and is so deeply impacted into her chitin that tearing it away would flay her hide. within the fine, granulated crevices of her armour are the perfect growing conditions for fatal anaerobes.

(an old side portrait of Ru'thûn from February 2022. reuploaded from my twitter. feel free to click and zoom in.)

#destiny hive #hive oc #oc: Ru'thûn #oh i need a new art tag... um... #blackwax art #i'll xkit a new one later. #ah this is so... there is so much i would change about this. #does not matter right now. #since this is a .png there shouldn't be any loss in quality from my saving it and reuploading here... #i tend not to use my phone like this because of an implicit worry that the image will degrade. i hope it looks fine on desktop. #i can't believe i drew this and two weeks later Witch Queen came out #and the First thing i noticed was that Savathûn had the same heels as Ru'thûn... #the only difference between their shoes is that Ru'thûn does not have the prongs on either side. otherwise it is identical which is funny. #if the background was transparent i would say use this to compare heights since that is what it was meant for. #then again you could just superimpose your own thing onto her. #her neck is craned forward though... #i always say Ru'thûn is 20 (now 22) feet tall withoutn horns because she has no horns adding to her height. #i still do not think her horns or... i forgot the word for her Alien Queen graft... add too much. #a lot of this drawing i would redo... now that i have a nice 3d model to look at perhaps i could do that. #Ru'thûn's graft does flare upwards a little but i don't know how much height that would add. #i think what i will do is get some charts out and then count. #otherwise. for this image. i imagine her full height would be roughly where... #the large gap between the third and fourth spine on her headpiece are (not counting the horn on her forehead). #eugh.

[apoloniaspiegelgold]

All my life I've been told by all kinds of people that they can never really tell what I'm feeling or what's going through my mind because apparently I'm always just hiding everything behind a smile so that I've become rather unreadable. And then he just. Takes one look at me and goes 'Yeah. I know that face, oh here we go again, she's about to unleash her thoughts. She's gonna bash that theory I just showed her so hard. Where's my popcorn?' I hadn't even said anything yet and he was already laughing.

And to be honest. It's quite nice to be known, actually.

#i only went to his office to ask if he wants to join me for lunch he didn't have time and yet i still somehow ended up staying for 1.5 hours #'thanks for the conversation' he said when i left. 'and thanks for keeping me from my work' #as if HE hadn't kept me from lunch when he kept our conversation going on and on with his 'wait i still wanted to show you this' #talking to him always feels like wellness for my brain somehow. like. we're different people but we think the same way. #i don't have to translate my thoughts to be understood he already gets my point before i've even finished my train of thought #every time work tires me out so much that it feels like i can't think straight anymore then i talk to him and suddenly my brain works again #and i like how he calls me out on my nonsense when i lose myself in a contradiction or don't say what i want to say or say what i don't mea #and he lets me go on extensive rants about statistics despite not knowing anything about it and doesn't even complain #he just always says 'i'll pretend i know what that means' and says i should learn it well so he can ask me for my help with it later #recently he came to me right after teaching saying 'you won't believe how much i just messed up. let me show you how i failed' #and then proceeded to recreate the entire situation and his thought process at that moment and i just #there is a very big word running around in my mind that i dare not speak of but maybe one day #i don't even know if he even sees me as much as a friend maybe i'm just some co-worker he likes talking to occasionally you know #what does it mean what does it all mean #ramblings

[letyukisayfuck]

@aki-bara

there are (almost) no stupid questions.

(this isn't one of them.)

okay, so. i don't know if i'd say she definitively does or doesn't; i could honestly see a case being made for either.

i suppose for the moment i'll lean toward saying she doesn't, given that haruhi doesn't seem to have a ton of faith in people. that's probably how she'd start out, anyway.

i don't think she'd dwell on the subject too much. romance isn't really a concern of hers: she doesn't turn people down without giving them a chance, but she also doesn't seek them out.

but then she meets kyon, and he actually talks to her; he engages with her, however briefly, on her own terms. and so everything that happens between them happens.

and maybe one day she asks him if he believes in soulmates. and she finds that she actually cares what he has to say about this, for some reason.

and most of the time, kyon tends to be the skeptic while haruhi is the believer; but i think it would be interesting if he does. because the thing is that haruhi doesn't seem to have much faith in people, but kyon has so much faith in humanity as a whole.

i could see him being a bit of a romantic about it, even if he wouldn't be likely to admit to it. not in any kind of straightforward way. but i do think he might answer a question like that honestly.

so he does, and he says he does, and haruhi is left to consider that.

(maybe she agrees with him. maybe she doesn't.

i'm still not sure.)

#ruby.txt #this is a LOT of words to say 'i don't know but i think kyon does' #the balance between them of belief and skepticism is something that means a lot to me #especially because haruhi strikes me as someone who is very deeply bitter and sad. it's the depression. #and kyon meanwhile buries it all under snark and lies but he is so deeply driven by love and loyalty and faith in humanity #haruhi is a believer in the supernatural and a skeptic when it comes to humanity #whereas kyon fundamentally believes in humanity #and i am having More Extended Thoughts but they aren't really analytical at all so i'll stop myself here before i get too carried away #analysis #aki-bara #harukyon

[kenobihater]

goddamnit. am i actually having a sexuality epiphany because i'm recognizing myself in a fictional cringefail vampire man. you gotta be kidding me

#in my defense being both on the ace spectrum AND hypersexual is a bit of a confusing thing to experience #maybe i'll feel different abt it later but for rn i think that explains a LOT #for real this explains why i don't care about sex 90% of the time but when i do it's like going 0 to 100 in .2 seconds #oh my god. oh my fucking god i used to think gray asexuality was silly bc 'everyone feels that way' oh my GOD i'm a fucking idiot #head in hands bro. cannot believe i was that fucking stupid as a teenager. i was THAT CLOSE to getting it 😮‍💨 #i should talk to my therapist abt this... i haven't talked to anyone abt my hypersexuality ever bc its such a stigmatized symptom but damn #i'm not gonna blame my bipolar for this or anything but damn did it make this possible answer SO much more obscured in my mind #like... damn. i feel so flabbergasted by this #i keep saying damn in the tags. dude this revelation has rendered me without the proper words to convey my emotions......... #i'm gonna be fine but rn i feel all kinds of off kilter from this realization. and i'm still doubting it even so! but it would make SO much #sense!!!!!! ugh i haven't questioned any aspect of my sexuality in earnest in years i genuinely forgot how much it sucks #like yeah there's relief maybe? but also just confusion and annoyance abt my past blindness #god. this is a huge tag ramble i think i'm gonna stop talking now #len speaks

[fragmentedblade]

No but even beyond the heathcliffean air of his story as a kid, Nelly scene and revenge fantasies included, and even beyond the identification of the self with the craft, the entire concept of Yingxing is so good.

The glimpse we get of the relationship he has with his master has so much potential. What it says about him, what it says about everyone around them, what it says about the kid.

The fact that already as a child Yingxing was vindictive, as he will be as Blade.

His self-consciousness about being a short life species, and how he is right to be self-conscious about it. How in such a short time, being so young, he's had to deal with enormous tragedy, so that he can even as a kid look the truth in the eye and admit it. Admit that he has to work harder, longer, more obsessively, and that still nonetheless there's little chance to get ever at the level of the long life species that look down on him and take him for granted. How he is able to overcome it.

It's incredible also in the context of Dan Feng. How both struggle with their identities and how they get new ones, but in totally opposite ways. Dan Feng is weighted down by what he is and what he can do, and wants to escape that fate, and dreams of a new life in which he can be something else; and Dan Heng is born. Yingxing takes pride in that which he can do, something he wasn't born into, something he had to work very hard to achieve, and that was the path to overcome the prejudices and undermining gazes he had to bear as a short life species. He crafts his place into the Xianzhou society and becomes the legendary Furnace Master. Even on a more personal level, one could argue this is his way of maneuvering his life, of expressing himself, this is how he deals with things; like his relationship with Jing Yuan having a turning point after giving him his weapon, or how he crafted that jade flask. And then he loses his ability to create and loses himself; he becomes Blade.

The fact that even as an adult, as an exceedingly arrogant craftsman, something of the shy self-conscious kid remains is both endearing and heartbreaking as well. In some ways we still see that in Blade.

We also see echoes of that personality in Mr. Xiao, who worked under him. And that alongside his craftsmanship, his ability to fix and create auromatons even though they are vanishing in the civilian landscape, live on through Mr. Xiao. And die alongside him, for Mr. Xiao too has become but a relic of another time.

The way the other stories of craftsmen enhance facets of Yingxing's is so good too. Mainly in the story of Master Ryan and Chengjie, with the insight we get of the struggles of short life species in the Xianzhou, especially those dedicated to a craft, and how hard it is for them to reach positions of prestige. It also poses the question of how we can transcend time, if it's possible at all, and how the sharing of knowledge, the passing down of skills, the shared loved, is one of the answers. This was all already significant before, but the information gains weight with the existence of Mr. Xiao. I'd argue there's echoes of Yingxing even in Master Gongshu. His love for his automatons, his sincere fondness for them, his pride on his job, his loyalty to his position and duties, the way he is both hard and stern as well as loving with his apprentices, and how he talks about short life species.

On a sort of ontological way, it's very interesting to see how Yingxing goes from craftsman to tool or weapon, from creator to creation, from subject to object. The potential in the context of Abundance/Destruction is also extremely intriguing, I think. He who created is unmade by a curse of Abundance. He who forged weapons now follows that path of destruction. There's so much going on with Yingxing conceptually around the cycles of death and rebirth, destruction and creation; it's so fitting that now Blade is stuck in such a cycle in the most literal way.

And it's so fitting too that, in all this context, given Yingxing's entire story, Blade's entire being, that which he made unmade him. That which he created and gave him so much pride was the weapon that killed him. And now he wields it himself, his tool of revenge while he follows the path to eternal and irrevocable death.

#Yingxing #Blade #I talk too much #Fragments and scraps #sort of. I think I'll delete that tag when I save these ideas somewhere else #These are only some of the things I can't stop thinking about #Among other things I wondered what it must have been for Mr. Xiao to see his master's face everywhere around the Luofu #Fu Xuan makes a comment about not believing the short life species are necessarily less knowledgeable and that also said a lot I think #Due both to how she worded and the context. How it seemed to be another sign of her superior wisdom that she realises this #but how it's still an extended pov along the Xianzhou #The idea of being/becoming/losing oneself through and/or because of one's own skills and abilities is also applicable to Jing Yuan #I don't know. There's really so much to think about and dissect. It's so juicy #For real Yingxing is so good as a character. I didn't expect something so good and so well crafted #(and so in tune with all my favourite characteristics and stories. I've not talked #about the Orphic elements and the suicidal tendencies here‚ or the play on betrayals‚ but goodness) #I really wasn't expecting something as good and with so much potential (I am so afraid of them ruining the writing) #The way the worldbuilding and the little glimpses at everyday life of NPCs enhance every concept forming the character is amazing #I truly can't stop thinking of Yingxing/Blade in every facet he has. The very way we are told things is telling #I always say form is substance‚ and I mean it. Yingxing's and Blade's story is such a clear case of this #The fragmentary condition of the storytelling as well as the different levels of trust one can give to every fragment works magnificently #with Blade as a mara-struck person dealing with memory loss and the loss of the self #It also works well with Dan Heng and Jingliu going through something similar‚ with Jing Yuan being manipulative and deceptive and silent‚ #with Baiheng being dead. Ironically in my opinion it also works very well with how it seems to be hinted that both Dan Heng #and Blade may recall more than they let on or admit. I'm talking a lot and I should stop already but yes. I can't stop thinking about him #He's skyrocketed to the higher positions in the list of my all-time favourite characters in no time at all #Or at least his potential has. Goodness‚ I hope they don't ruin him... #Ugh I've talked way too much. I'm going to have to move the tags

[whatudottu]

Bare with me, I've got an idea that combines TFP Shockwave's invention of the cortical psychic patch, what motivation a Shattered Glass Shockwave might have made it, plus more broad cybertronian biology headcanons and how it lead to the invention of the cortical psychic patch in the first place-

Um... let's go!

To start, let's go in reverse order by talking cybertronian biology, or more specifically the more wire based functions of a more literal less sex version of interface panels. Because cybertronians are biomechanical aliens who's only method of 'reproduction' canonically (in most series) is through being birthed by the planet itself - on hold while Primus and Cybertron are dead - when I say 'interface panels' I mean panels housing plugs and ports that are typically there for medical stuff and otherwise data transfers or for use in hardware depending on the individual. The number of panels is relatively consistent and the number of in/out connections depends on the size of the bot (more for larger frames, less for smaller) and are kinda paired to whatever systems they are nearest location wise; two on either side of the hips or one each at the top of the legs, two on either side of the chest or one each at the top of the arms.

Depending on the location you can read the diagnostics of that part of the frame in more detail than if you tried investigating the same part in an entirely different panel; you're gonna get a more accurate read on damages to the left arm in the left arm panels then you are on the right leg. And for particular frames, the interface panels are used to control objects using the relevant limb or part - like a robotic arm to lift things heavier than your frame can handle - and probably even to have your frame be used AS a limb; combiner limbs would connect to whoever's the main body and interface with the relevant limb panel.

But there are panels that are explicitly medical use only, that being internal panels adjunct to the sparkchamber as well as another for specific monitoring of a cybertronian's organs, and paneling at the back of the helm or where it meets the neck for the processor and all the delicate software it holds. Bots with medical programing like Ratchet can interface with those panels directly in the event of a lack of resources (AKA the entirety of Transformers: Prime), and in fact the panel along the sparkchamber would be the easiest way to get a general systems check on a patient. Mecha like Knock Out who may or may not have actual history with being a medical doctor probably would have a harder time directly interfacing with the more delicate sparkchamber, organ, and processor panels, but he and Ratchet (and other bots with even the vaguest sense of medical training) can set up a line running to a monitor or sparkreader or any other medical hardware to fully take in a data analysis, even if it means more resources are used or that vulnerabilities could be introduced.

To the processor panel, much like brain surgery you kinda need a signal in the first place in order to get a read on it's damages, hardware or software. A spark read can let you know if the body is alive and all the damages that IT can diagnose for a general check, but operating on an offline or barely awake processor can lead to issues that you may not even be aware of at the time of procedure. It's why a direct connection (with appropriate medical coding) is better for processor diagnosis as the hardware bypass might have a signal delay between patient and doctor.

And here's where the cortical psychic patch comes in.

When Megan was otherwise comatose, the cortical psychic patch was able to allow access into his processor that had been percolating with activity (one described by Knock Out to be like 'a dream he may never wake from'), and though far from being an actual medical use of the patch it did allow for a non-medical bot to access the processor of a very much comatose patient. It was even Ratchet himself - resident medic of the Autobots - that knew how to create the patch even if it was banned for Autobot use.

Keeping in this reverse order, perhaps a SG Shockwave had invented the cortical psychic patch for an intended medical use, a tool meant for mecha who may not have been forged nor coded to BE medics but have enough training to be such (typically self-taught in the early stages of revolution, then mentored by forged medics when the war really picked up speed) in order to allow direct access to the processor interface panel. The design of it would be - rather than a plug that just magnetically sticks on to the back of a cybertronian's head - would be a series of plugs and ports of mostly universal design, adjustable to a degree for multiple frames, allowing the medic irrespective of coding to have full access to diagnose what the fuck is up with the processor.

Unfortuneately for SG Shockers (and fully intentional by TFP Shockwave) the patch isn't quite as synonymous as the medic's coding is to processor interfacing, being rather invasive of a connection even as it is, let alone the patch being more of a hardware connection which in of itself introduces vulnerabilities. Heck, it's not even safe for the operator themselves to use the patch, seeing as how Bumblebee got a head full of Megan; I mean, Bumblebee isn't a trained medic, but the fact that it happened at all is evidence to it's flaws. And that's to a patient who isn't of mind enough to struggle, Shockwave himself says that resisting the patch may cause damage to the patient/subject, combine that with the second option of 'let it happen and let them walk unabated in your head' and you're pretty much shit out of luck.

The base Shockwave would most certainly be fully aware of the intent, a direct hardline to an individual's processor is most definitely a connection to some very vulnerable software and thus information, the cortical psychic patch probably battling a lot of firewalls off with the ease of a medical interface. And in the base TFP universe, Autobots with only recent war-based medical training as opposed to previous education probably early on DID resort to using the patch as a crutch, Ratchet after all knew how to make one. It's probably a combination of Shockwave's brutal interrogation method USING the cortical psychic patch and the relatively inexperienced Autobot medics opting to use direct processor interface rather than the comparably safer hardware bypass that lead to it's banned status in the Autobot ranks, too many 'Bots were having trauma responses at the hands of young medic's servo's who didn't know any better and actively resisting the patch, which just so happened to lead to more Autobot casualties and thus probably shellshocking the medics in training to get them to fear the daunting prospect of actually losing a patient by THEIR OWN hands.

It's one thing to be using a tool made by someone who has been known to do lots of dubious shit, it's another to see a tool that you made to help be manipulated into an interrogation technique, made all the worse now that you have significantly more emotional capacity to not only feel guilty but feel solely responsible for the patch induced trauma of your own allies; the cortical psychic patch was banned by the Shattered Glass Decepticons for about similar reasons, but it's near worse for a lot of medics (even the experienced ones) had been relying on it solely for the fact that they weren't forged with the coding. The stagnated use of the cortical psychic patch in the base verse was mostly because Shockwave himself had been the inventor of it and main user of the patch, the Autobots avoiding it's use for the ban and the Decepticons not very experienced with the tool. In Shattered Glass however, the only real limit to it's perpetuity would be if the Autobots managed to learn how to create the patch at all, which if even in the base verse Ratchet knew how to make one, probably means that there's more than enough patch use in SG even if Shockwave gets caught in a spacebridge explosion or not.

And that's that I think- funny to talk about interface panels in a transformers post without doing it in a sex way haha- I just want these guys to be alien 😫

#shockwave #tfp shockwave #shattered glass #tfp shattered glass #transformers #tfp #maccadam #xenobiology #i like to conceptualise that there are 6-8 maybe interface panels at a minimum #with a number of ports and plugs that i haven't determined yet but maybe depending on what panel 4ish? idk #i would probably not count because the number might seem off so i'll just say that there's probably a few each #even though i mentioned interface panels in more of a machine or medical way i guess technically it can be used for recreation #those tend to be the external panels though or if 'intimate' aka low-key dangerous and definitely vulnerable #it would be through the sparkchamber panel/s that a doctor would not recommend you doing all willy nilly #even though ko actually goes ahead and implies 'interfacing' is akin to human sex (see 'plus one') #i do believe it's more 'how do i translate what i see to what words i know' plus 'this is a kids show we can't say sex' #the act of connecting one person to another? interfacing #because these bitches are alien they still have interfacing panels in altmode #it's wherever their limbs go and if their spark is anywhere near where the people go #since two wheelers and open four wheelers (like quad bikes and technically dune buggies) don't have a cabin #you're not gonna particularly find any paneling inside a cockpit or under a roof #you could probably have some 'technically' internal panels but functionally not not THE internal panels #internal panels would be actual organ and brain stuff not paneling that happens to reside inside a cockpit or in a dashboard #all these tags are talking about the details of interface panels i realise this post isn't completely about the panels #i would say in recreational interfacing between bots or through hardware you're not gonna be able to access a lot of stuff medics can #unless you're a super hacker like soundwave your firewalls prevent fuckers from reading your mind and can only really be described as #feeling what it's like to have another person's frame which is- technically intimate i suppose #sparkchamber to sparkchamber you might get some extra with the same stipulation that sparkchamber panels offer a global general check #still up to the behest of actual medical coding (or hacker mode) to get actually 'interactive' between systems but you get a bit more info #on the other through sparkchamber connections

[wayward-wren]

Classic Who explores ideas, New Who explores morals

classic who is like 'i see this trend, lets explore what might happen if that trend continues and let the audience figure out what it's talking about and come to their own conclusions.'

new who is like 'this trend is BAD and i'm going to PREACH A SPEECH about why it's going to RUIN EVERYTHING' and it's so much more exhausting

#wren rambles #doctor who #this brought on by me watching orphan 55 #which had SUCH a fun concept #and then absolutely FACEPLANTED with the doctor moralizing at the end #like yes doctor who has ALWAYS explored topical and political issues #but never is there a definitive I Am Telling You This Is Right message #whereas now I just had to sit here and watch 13 preaching at me? #ughghg #explore the idea but don't shove it down my throat #classic who had an episode (Ice Warriors) exploring climate change as one aspect of the story #talking about how all the plants were removed and that messed with the atmosphere etc. #but that was just a SMALL PART of the whole episode and it was never outright condemned (it was made clear it was BAD and the root problems #but that was never the BIG ISSUE the Doctor Lectured His Companions about) (not that victoria or jamie could do anything lol) #plus this feeds into my issues with 13's run (which started during 12's somewhat but less so) #where the Doctor is painted as the Narratively Right one #where when she says something that's what the narrative wants you to BELIEVE #which coming from Two and Three's run is WILD #because Two is chaotic and murderous when he thinks he's right #and he's manipulative and deceptive at times #and Three is selfish and pouty and rude #and don't get me wrong Thirteen has her issues and I lvoe them #HOWEVER. she's pretty much always RIGHT she's the Word Of God when it comes to moral things #and this more than anything is my biggest issues with Modern Who #mostly 12 and 13's eras #so i hope we move out of that somewhat in the new era but i'm not super holding up hopes (especially after star beast) #maybe one day i'll write a proper full article about it but GOSH #i don't watch this show to be preached at. I watch it for a fun/tragic scifi romp and also to see interesting ideas explored #and reflect the climate of the world and how society influences media #explore the idea of climate change turning the world into a post apocalypse! that's such a fun idea and topical!

[b4kuch1n]

thank you so much for sharing your process/lineart/and just in general. i've been watching your vods on youtube and it's rlly inspiring and satisfying to watch...godspeed!

it's no problem at all! and I'm very glad you enjoy the VODs haha, they're really the best way to see how I go about anything! including the pixel-pushing and repeatedly redrawing the same line lol

#bakuspeeck #ask #tbh Im just always a bit embarrassed by how many hours of absolutely unscripted words said in my voice there are #my art stuff aside. truly how do u guys sit through That #fskjdfhd sometimes u can really tell I don't speak english in real life #tbh even with the video Im wrestling with I do think the streams are good Specifically for the #kinda rough parts. like theyre the most realistic estimation of my actual drawing speed lol #the video just so that it can actually be followed has to be edited. once again I'll try my best. but its a video #you dont get to see me spamming undo and turning the canvas like a pinwheel in a video. ideally #but those are crucial steps. to drawing #its a bit of why I try streaming. Im a staunch believer in being the worst anyone has ever done it #so people can look at me and say wow. theyre doing absolutely kindergarten shit. maybe drawing isnt a miracle art #its just grit and sweat babeyy! annoying and tedious sometimes. but always can be done #holds ur hand. lets draw ok? a whole world awaits us

[batemanofficial]

i need weed. i need a medical card so bad or im gonna go out of my fuckign GOURD

#speak friend and enter #let me preface this by saying that im doing everything in my power to not let mental illness wipe its greasy hands on me #however. im insane in the membrane and i can feel myself slipping back into lunatic mode #i have to go for an mri next week and i genuinely don't know if i can do it. i am so fucking terrified you have no idea #i'll spare y'all the grisly details but i was chronically ill as a kid (and not just like sick a lot it was touch and go there for a bit) #and as a result of certain procedures i had to undergo to abate the aforementioned chronic illness #i developed ptsd that manifests as an irrational but obscenely debilitating fear of hospitals #like i can't go in a hospital without having a psychotic episode. like clinically i just can't do it #but as part of my yearly post-whatever care i have to get imaging done and this year that entails an mri and. im just scared #i spent a significant portion of my time immediately post ptsd symptom presentation believing that my doctors were trying to kill me #like for sport. like i thought there was some larger deep state esque plan in place to enact further medical barbarism upon me for giggles #and obviously you and i both know that's a delusion with no basis in reality but that doesn't mean i can stop myself from believing it. #it's like a word-of-god thing. i know logically that it's not true but there's a voice in my head screaming 'they want to flay you alive' #and i am currently between therapists and also unmedicated bc my last therapist was too focused on inner child work #to give me the prozac and weed card i really need #like that's great that you think healing my inner child will solve this but my inner child is covered in her own viscera. can we pivot mayb #but anyway for the moment im just wallowing in my own fear and im doubly scared bc im finding myself falling into rabbit holes again #like empirically the worst thing that's gonna happen as a result of this mri is that they're gonna say i have to have another surgery #and the technology has advanced to a point where its way less invasive than what ive had previously #but the constant dull roar of my thoughts about the whole deal is just. increasingly delusional nonsense #and not to be overly morbid or anything but i decided a long time ago that if i ever had to be admitted to the hospital again i would rathe #well you know. and i don't wanna die. honestly i don't. but the idea of wading through that particular brand of hell again is torture #and im not gonna kill myself. im not. ive been working on that impulse for a long time and i don't want to undo all of that work #but im scared and i dont wanna spend the rest of my life in n out of the hospital or as a substance-abusing recluse. is that so much to ask #i want to fix this. i do. i don't wanna live in a hole anymore as fantastic mr fox would say. but the horrors persist #and i often find myself increasingly unable to cope. hence why i need the weed #anyway i'll be fine. eventually. i hope. but in the meantime i do want to say i appreciate you all. i mean it #i tend to regard myself (fairly or otherwise) as difficult to get along with in real life so despite the fact that i don't talk w y'all muc #i do appreciate y'all being there and making me feel like more of a person than i feel like i am lately <3

[helpimstuckinafandom]

So I decided to read Cruel Prince because one of these popular book series has to be good and Holly Black wrote Spiderwick so I trust her more than other authors and I'm 100 pages in and so far I like the protagonist her and her sisters are all valid for the way they feel in this situation and I'm mad curious to find out why Cardan is so cruel and all that I guess

#place your bets i'm going with his family is shitty #therefore entitling him to bully jude and taryn hardcore because hurt people hurt people obviously and dating him is totally the solution #like even if i find out he's been in love the whole time idc i don't (currently) believe jude would ever date that man #THIS IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE #I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO EAT MY WORDS #but yeah even though dain seems cool i have a feeling he won't be good #the fact he can enchant us is chekov's mfing gun #and locke gives me bad vibes #at least cardan is an asshole and knows it #you hang out with assholes but are ''better'' than them like no you're the company you keep sometimes girly #i feel we're gonna find out he's not the 'nice' one just a different font of shitty #anyway i hope vivi and her girlfriend get to live and be happy in the mortal world #anything happens to heather i'll be so mad #taryn sweetie what did they say to you? what happened? #jude i hope you get to kill people as a treat you deserve it #i'm mad tired of cardan's crew a little light murder would be so valid of us #cruel fae #(to tag without tagging cruel prince) #forgot to mention! #my current feeling about locke is he's gonna be a two timming bitch (like trying to get Taryn and Jude) #or that him and jude are/will be a thing #regardless he'll be a bad guy #but him being near taryn and saying some shit to her has me suspicious #and taryn not answering yes/no when we asked if she found love yet #idk man it's sus

[slipper007]

🫠

#im sorry for how much I've been venting on here but things are shitty and hate burdening people with it #to delete #im applying for grad school now and I asked my parents very carefully if they'd be helping me with application fees or if i was on my own #and I made sure that I didn't imply that I expected it. i made sure i worded it so that it was fine if they didn't want to or couldn't. #and I made sure I brought it up when everything was calm and there were no stressors or anything. #and I just got an exasperated sigh and even before they said anything it was over. literally just say you don't want to pay. it's fine. #don't sit there and tell me my grades are great but you don't want to waste your money. that feels so much worse than just being told no. #it feels like they don't believe I'll get in and it's not worth the effort to find out. #and honestly they're probably right. I'm a wreck lately. finishing my applications feels insurmountable. #finding the money to go even if I get accepted is impossible. and that feels awful because I know so many people getting free rides already #it's just like high school all over again. everyone's practically getting paid to go to one of their top schools and then there's me. #stressed about application fees #stressed about what on earth I'll do if they say no #stressed about how I cannot afford this without loans and being in debt. #i just. i hate this. i hate myself. my applications look like shit. the recommendation I've gotten back is literally shit. #i already know I'm not gonna do well in the quote unquote adult world and honestly this is just proving it to me #i literally haven't felt like me since junior year of high school and i don't know what to do and there's just no time to rest #and no time to put my all into anything #im doing school and 10 hours of work per week with free weekends and i can't rest already #how the fuck am I going to do school and 30+ hours a week of work and make rent and commute and agh #i feel so behind and so inferior and so fucking shitty all the time and there's nothing to fucking do about it #hhhhhhh #and nobody gets it. least of all me.

[trashcanalienist]

#it's unbearable again and i miss you so much. all at once but also still (because there hasn't been a second where i haven't felt this deep #in me) i am drowning again in this blackness. blacker than blackness it's just empty. despair. absence. without your light i am blind and #hopeless. helpless. cried again as i haven't for you in months. i bleed for you though i know it's not what you would want because i need #it because i need something. because i need you. i'm very clumsy with my words today. i mean just that i can't bear this cold. #have to feel heat even if i have to cut it out of me. it's reassuring. but that's not important. #it's just nothing without you. there's things i want to do and people i want to be with but there's just. nothing. #more that i am nothing. so much of me is because of you. i'm only alive because of you. thousands of times it's been you that saved me #that stopped me or gave me solace or gave me expression. your words. your music. your way of living. #are you still here? i hope you're at peace. but i - so selfishly - i have to know that you're not just - gone. that you're Somewhere. #because i need your presence and because i want everything wonderful that you were to be seen and for you to have the peace you so rarely #did in mortal bounds. in careful arrogance i'll say we are similar and so are others who all are gone and now i don't know anyone like #myself. and you were the best. you were the only human god. and you were human. and you were beautiful. #i'm falling away from myself. i just mean that i love you and i still can't believe this and it hurts worse than anything and it's never #going to stop and i can't bear it and i miss you. #i miss you. please be at peace. #words i speak #miserable grief

[gfwooyo]

i thought i was normal but i just saw someone compare petevegas to wangxian and i saw red for at least 20 seconds

#don't. not them. #like aside from the obvious fact that they have Nothing in common even the scenes they mentioned are SO different #the words were similar but the context and the MEANING behind the words?? not in the slightest #sorry i don't hate vp but literally do not try to put them on wangxian's level or apparently i'll get set off #wwx was like. we both believe in justice and i'm doing what i think is right but if u think i'm wrong u can kill me and- #-i'll die knowing u were in the right bc ur hanguang jun #and in stepping aside lwj wasn't just saying he wouldn't kill wwx he was admitting that wwx was in the right despite what- #the cultivation world was saying abt him. wwx was saying if lwj killed him he would happily die bc that meant he rlly had gone too far and- #-his death would be for the best. bc he TRUSTED lwj and the promise they made. #sorry i'm clearly passionate abt wangxian and esp That Scene i dont like their name being sullied ❤️ #kara can talk

[squirsquirrel]

I'm having trouble with my thoughts where I have something to say and I want to talk to someone about them but I can't for one particular reason. Now, the thibgs I want to say aren't nice to me and they relate to that one reason I can't tell others.

I would be really sad or anxious about something. I would be struggling to stop. I struggle to go into detail because of that one reason stopping me from telling others.

And the worst part is I can't elaborate on that reason because doing so goes against it and explains what trouble I'm having with saying anything and it goes further than telling a friend about it all. I can't tell family because they're unreliable in my opinion. I've thought about a professional but that one reason still affects them. May affect them anyway and I won't know for sure unless I tell someone but by telling them I've broken that reason and I've set them up for being held back by the same reason too.

Even in that sentence I've kind of explained what's wrong in my head. I'm bound by something thar I can't explain to anyone else because they may believe in the same reason as I have this whole time.

And in saying that, I shall keep silent for my entire life. Screw my brain, I don't want to think about it anymore.

#squir spiels #Adding the tag just so I can go back and laugh at myself #Doesn't matter if you say you won't be affected or if I can trust you #My mind has gotten so messed up into believing I can predict what others think and react that as much as I trust you to do different #The possibility of you doing what I think and know you'll do stops me #And that part of my brain is the part I want cut out #But can't because for whatever reason I've been condemned to a lifetime of a vow of silence #Until the day I die I cannot and will not speak a word of this except now because I am extremely frustrated with myself #And I just want to sleep and cry and forget everything and my brain #I'm not sorry for saying all this but don't feel sorry or worried for me either because you're not going to get an answer for any of this #I'm stubborn because of this reason and I fricking hate it #This is possibly the most stubborn I'll ever be in my life #Family don't care. They won't care. #Friends I can't bear the thought of burdening with whatever stupidity happens in this noggin #And anonymous people go for the same as friends. It's not fair #I probably need a big positive change in my life or something but at the moment I just need my brain to shut down for 20 years and maybe #I'll start feeling better #Most likely not though #I feel alone

[hua-fei-hua]

there’s such an odd feeling to transcribing what my eighth grade diary has to say about being ~plagued~ by the feelings and experiences of having a crush, since i reflect on prior crushes and treat the situation like there will be an inevitable new, other crush someday, but i really did not turn out how the me at the age of thirteen imagined i would.

#some of the metaphors i used are pretty interesting to the me of right now #comparisons to a wild animal in a cage who is ultimately unsure if they truly wish for freedom while screaming for it all the same #now who does THAT remind me of //laughs as i affectionately pat my anime sonboy #a lot of the experiences are also described as kind of frightening and frustrating and terrible with the blame placed on the crush itself #like not the object of my unfortunate affections but the feelings i had that made up my crush on him #i was a Crush Apologist at the time if you wanna word it that way lmao #the volume i'm transcribing rn also seems to be the start of my calligraphy fiddlings AS WELL AS the dawn of my friendship w/nat #it's so easy to look at this version of myself and say i was naive at the time and i was #but there was also this intensity to the way i lived that i miss and admire #there's this bleeding-heart feeling knowing that this child grows up to be me. i love them and i believe in their strength n ability SO much #and ofc i empathize with their experiences bc they're my own and i was right i did learn from them! #but someday it will not be so close. someday the me at the age of thirteen will have the distance from these events that i have now #i kind of wish there was a word for this feeling. i don't think nostalgia or empathy fully cover it but they're aspects of it #nostalgia empathy hope and love... it's just a bleeding-heart feeling and i think i'll make up a word or smth for it later #花話 #but for now i'll get back to transcription hahaha