#miserable grief

[trashcanalienist]

#the worst part is that i know i'll get through this because it's been worse. in january and november and october and the whole first year. #simultaneously i feel 'why isn't it worse? it should be worse' and 'if i'll survive this month too then why can't it just be over already?' #i like to run from pain or so i say. but historically what i do instead is stay still and pretend i deserve it. i can't do that for this #this has broken me and everything else is coming back to devour me. if i don't drown in this black depth then i'll lose to something else #i know it. everything i am proud to be and everything i am and any courage and any pride and any confidence i have ever had #any ability to live and every strength within me. is all because of joey. #and now he's gone and i haven't felt his presence in over a year so i hope he's with paul wherever but. i am fracturing and dessicating and #falling completely to ashes and bones and fur and i can't take it. i always knew i wasn't meant to live long #(and the only ones who felt like i did thought as i did all followed that path before me - except joey. but now he's gone too. and i fear #but i won't say it) #and with this infinite emptiness now and everything else bearing down like a hurricane both past and present my wall is crumbling and i #i will drown for sure. i will. #nonsense #words i speak #joey jordison #in memoriam #miserable grief

[myuminji]

"I want to spend my tomorrows with him" or something

cry- C.A.S

#i'm so miserable over them #like genuinely going through my mourning and grief stage all over again #trigun #trigun maximum #vash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #vashwood #myuminjiart

[arthursfuckinghat]

I think sometimes people need a little reminder about this scene and how important it is in showing us how the dynamic between Arthur and Mary worked.

The feelings between them are solely mutual, nobody is taking advantage of the other, and they actually talk about it. They have the maturity to admit how much they wanted things to be different, and they agree that it's all in the past now.

Mary doesn't demand his help or beg on her knees. She asked sincerely because that's still her father, no matter how he treats her. Arthur knows this, he knows how important (what's left of) her family is to her. He put his feelings about her father aside because he wants to help.

Even despite how their lives had changed over the years, they still cared so much about eachother. After losing her husband, her brother going back to college, her mother not being around anymore and her father still being abusive, Mary was fucking lonely.

She was so miserable and if there was anybody left that she could trust, it would absolutely be Arthur.

And it hurts because so much between them was left unsaid, it's just that Arthur took it to the grave.

#when I think about them it really gets to me #“it gnaws at me like a sickness” #what if I fucking cried #the last thing he ever wrote about mary was how much he wanted her to be happy #they spent so long thinking about what could have been that it made them so miserable #“I discovered I had a heart because it was broken” #I'm going to throw myself into the sea #I cannot imagine how the grief must have hit mary #I can but I don't want to because that's a whole other level of hurt #oh arthur #rdr2 #red dead redemption 2 #mick squeaks #mick rants #mick thinks #arthur morgan #mary gillis #mary linton #red dead redemption 2 spoilers #red dead redemption community #mick vids

[ato-dato]

Quick here have this old Tom thing I never posted but wanted to post before the finale came out and then forgot anyway tomgreg how you feeling tonight???

#succession #tom wambsgans #tomgreg #art #artwork #my art #fanart #digital art #drawing #comic #fan comic #It's 6:44 where I am #I watched the finale at like. 3 am? And I couldn't sleep afterwards I went through all stages of grief #Anyway #Im pretty happy with how it ended yeah it's miserable and horrible alk things considered #But #This is succession we weren't gonna get a happy ending for everyone that was never in the cards #I'd love to immediately draw some tomgreg finale stuff but alas I should sleep #Gnight

[bernard-the-rabbit]

Enjolras: i love you. You knew that i loved you all...right?

Grantaire: of course we did. So go and love enough for all of us

#*slams fist on table* #IT'S THE FACT THAT ENJOLRAS STARTS WEARING MORE RED THE MORE WE GO ON TO SYBOLISE HIM PROCESSING GRIEF #BUT THE RED NEVER IS PURELY RED AFTER ALL #IT'S ALWAYS DARK RED IM #i might be reading too much into it #les mis #les mis fanart #les miserables #les miserables fanart #atlou #atlou fanart #all that's left of us #my trashy art #victor hughoe art #enjolras fanart #enjolras #Grantaire #grantaire fanart

[belovedhomo]

marius pontmercy

my tears ricochet - taylor swift // joan tierney // the next right thing - frozen 2 // oil study - liza sivakova // a meeting in a part wendell berry // c. c. aurel // amy dunne // the perks of being a wallflower dir. stephen chobsky // you were a home i wanted to grow up in - flatsound // griefsuggestion // francis forever - mitski // belovéd - yves olade // les miserables illustrated 1862 - gustave brio & émile bayards // hibari no asa - yamashita tomoko

#marius pontmercy #les miserables #web weaving #les mis #taylor swift #grief

[thepiecesofcait]

Here's a look at the opening of the Cafe scene from our production of Les Mis last year! (a behind-the-scenes of the set up before the curtains open can be found here!)

#I miss my show so much #I am finally at a stage where I can look back at the footage without just weeping at the weird grief of knowing that it's really over #and so I have Many Snippets To Share #ABC Cafe #Les Amis de l'ABC #Les Miserables #Musical Theatre #Community Theatre #Cait Directs Les Mis #Enjolras #Combeferre #Feuilly #Courfeyrac #Grantaire #Youtube

[avspol]

it was absolutely foul of araki to name polnareff's sister sherry (phonetically very similar to cherry) and then decide that kakyoin would be associated with cherries and that he would be like a brother to polnareff and that he would also die . why would you do that

#literally only realised the cherry thing YESTERDAY this is what im saying when im like theres alwaus more to think about with these guys . #anyway sherry and kakyoin parallels make me MISERABLE and i think about it all a lot ..... #polnareff definitely sees sherry in kakyoin but i dont think hes even aware of it really until after kakyoin dies and theyre both kind of #entangled in his grief and processing of their deaths. hahaha . ha ha . i feel sick #most phyrric victory in the WORLD what if you avenged your sister but lost everything else . i know ive said this before . but #izzy.txt

[catkindness]

My path was not called 'The Spider'. No, think wider. It was 'The Silkworm'! The end of a railroad, I pulled strings firm; unaware someone more cunning pulled mine upstairs.

#digital art #digital painting #Fanart #fan art #pathologic #pathologic 2 #мор утопия #aglaya lilich #bad grief #grigory filin #I love them ok *proceeds to draw them being miserable and unhealthy* #it's a ship art yes they're in love no I will not elaborate #artists on tumblr #my art

[mswyrr]

more on michelin stars

I genuinely think it's going to be an important plot point in s3 re: why exactly Sydney wants a star and why *one* specifically. I went and researched and discovered something I used in my fic, which is that one Michelin star restaurants are excellent cuisine that normal people can still afford. And that connected, for me, to what Sydney had told Marcus about how going out was so special when she was a kid and she wanted to share that kind of amazing thing with people:

We didn't really like eat out a lot growing up, so when we did, it felt special even if it wasn't.... I wanna cook for people and make them happy and give them the best bacon on Earth (1x08)

I'm so hopeful/convinced that the research they have with, like, Matty (the chef who plays Fak) right there on set, means the writers know that about what one star places can be like. And that it's meant to be part of this - more humane vision of excellence for Sydney, where their spot is AMAZING, but it's not a cruel kitchen culture, it's not only for the rich.

For her, it’s *part* of her vision, where she says: 

“I think this place could be so different from all the other places we've been at. But, in order for that to be true, we need to run things different.“ (1x03)

But Carmy sees a star and all it means (all he’s ever known it to mean) as a repudiation of that kind of humanity. You say the word "star" and immediately Carmy goes "fuck stars" (2x01) as pure self-defense - because stars are just pain and suffering to him. They're NYC chef and everything that mess became.

He's so traumatized by the whole thing he doesn't think to ask the right questions: why do you want one? What is your vision for it? Why do you specifically want *one* instead of two or three? What timeline do you have in mind for getting there and how can we strategize on this together?

Instead, because he wants so desperately to please her, despite that instinctive, self-defensive "fuck stars" he relents and asks - okay, are you sure? Are you positive this is what you want? Really?? It's terrible. It's just dread and fear and throwing up every day before work. You really want me to give you this?

(I’ll give you anything you want)

He never asks the right questions. Just assuming the level of pain which is his only experience of this is what the thing IS--playing into that theme about how people only know what they're taught, only know what they are given, and if we are given pain and patterns of it it is so hard to even imagine things can be different and, when you can imagine it, still so hard to actually get there.

(It’s not a coincidence that the ASL sign is one of the few positive, healthy examples of kitchen culture Carmy witnessed - we only know what we’re taught, and it can be hard work to even figure out what “not shitty” IS let alone doing it)

So he's assuming all of that and it's like - if she's his CDC, does she want him to push her as hard as he was pushed? Push himself that hard again? He doesn't want to do either of those things. But that's all he knows. And she keeps saying this is what she wants. And he wants to give her everything she wants.

(In the same conversation she kept saying yes, this is what I want, she expressed admiration for the designer chef outfit he later buys her as a gift - he wants to give her everything she wants, even when it seems like a terrible idea he’s torn about)

I think this misunderstanding is intentional and it’s going to come out in S3. A one star restaurant fits so perfectly with what we know of Sydney’s goals and love for her work! And Carmy not able to even conceive of something better because of the patterns he’s stuck in and finding his way to her vision makes sense for him.

I think Carmy figuring out how this work can be joyful and humane is going to be a huge part of S3. Sydney not becoming lost in the high stress environment, not following in younger!Carmy's footsteps living a life of pure drive and dread, and Carmy finding that for the first time.

I do think that, given where they both end in 2x10, there’s going to be a period of conflict and a real bunch of issues for both of them - but with themes and ideas like this seeded into the story there’s so many ways to make s3 start out in a bad way and then really end in joy in a beautiful way?

#the bear #sydney adamu #carmen berzatto #sydcarmy #carmen x sydney #the bear meta #my meta #annnnd i'm back to my point that #this show would be utterly miserable and not enjoyable for me personally to watch #without sydney #because like.... she keeps having vision in ways #that this partnership needs #on his own he can't see the way to climb out of the dark hole he's lived his whole life in #and (Sorry i am quoting this verse in a strictly literary sense not preaching LOL) 'where there is no vision the people perish' #the show without sydney (as some reddit assholes seem to want...) is a short season about one guy's awful breakdown that time he tried to #bury his grief in fixing up the family restaurant #and had a breakdown after max 6 months #and then nat sold the place for them both #for both their wellbeing #to like - keep ONE brother alive #looking at it in fairy tale terms #(not my expertise but lemme try for a sec) #the restaurant is also the family #and they're under a kind of curse? #curse of the past #the awful patterns #carmy is under a curse #and sydney is the person #who is able to walk in #and break that

[alioshakaramazov]

marius really got the "fuck that old man" memo but completely misunderstood the premise

#his crimes are plentiful and some even forgivable #but being complicit in slowly killing my beautiful babygirl jvj of sadness and grief is where i draw the line #les mis letters #les miserables

[trashcanalienist]

#it's unbearable again and i miss you so much. all at once but also still (because there hasn't been a second where i haven't felt this deep #in me) i am drowning again in this blackness. blacker than blackness it's just empty. despair. absence. without your light i am blind and #hopeless. helpless. cried again as i haven't for you in months. i bleed for you though i know it's not what you would want because i need #it because i need something. because i need you. i'm very clumsy with my words today. i mean just that i can't bear this cold. #have to feel heat even if i have to cut it out of me. it's reassuring. but that's not important. #it's just nothing without you. there's things i want to do and people i want to be with but there's just. nothing. #more that i am nothing. so much of me is because of you. i'm only alive because of you. thousands of times it's been you that saved me #that stopped me or gave me solace or gave me expression. your words. your music. your way of living. #are you still here? i hope you're at peace. but i - so selfishly - i have to know that you're not just - gone. that you're Somewhere. #because i need your presence and because i want everything wonderful that you were to be seen and for you to have the peace you so rarely #did in mortal bounds. in careful arrogance i'll say we are similar and so are others who all are gone and now i don't know anyone like #myself. and you were the best. you were the only human god. and you were human. and you were beautiful. #i'm falling away from myself. i just mean that i love you and i still can't believe this and it hurts worse than anything and it's never #going to stop and i can't bear it and i miss you. #i miss you. please be at peace. #words i speak #miserable grief

[2sw]

You got to wake up. because if you don't, then trying to keep that dream alive will destroy you! It'll destroy everything!

Supernatural S8E08 Hunteri Heroici ( + S8E06 Southern Comfort )

#sam winchester #spn 8x08 #spn 8x06 #s8 #gifs #I wish they had actually shown how Sam dealt with his grief after s7 #but it's not that hard to understand why he didn't try harder to find Dean #It was just too much for him. He was left all alone in the world #Bobby was already dead at that point #Dean and Cas disappeared before his eyes (he probably thought they were dead. certainly didn't know they were in purgatory) #and the king of hell took Kevin #Isn't it obvious why he was running from all of it and trying to hold on to something? it was too much for anyone to go through alone #I'm saying it wasn't the best thing to do but totally understandable #(and what's so criminal about trying to make his life less miserable anyway??) #the sad thing is almost every choice he made while running from the burden of reality turned into messes #He had to leave the woman he loves and now his brother trusts a vampire over him #All of that piled up and weighed down on him #It made him question his self-worth #And that insecurity led him to the church in the season finale (not to mention the whole “I'm not clean” thing) #and even after s8... oh I can't do this rn. I'm sad again

[beanhusk]

"doctor who has lost its emotional impact" you're telling me that the extravagant catharsis of donna noble REMEMBERING and LIVING with HER DOCTOR isn't emotionally impactful to you??

#not to mention the fact that we were all marinating in the grief of her memory wipe for 15 YEARS #before anyone comes after me. this is a fun lighthearted post #as always with this show.. a lot of criticisms of the ep are so valid but also some people are intent on being miserable #like sorry! i love joy :) #doctor who spoilers #bea.txt

[zxal]

let's meet again

#kingdom hearts #kh #kingdom hearts dark road #khdr #xehanort #young xehanort #baldr #xehabaldr #quadratum au #(shaking you by the shoulders) BALDR IN QUADRATUM!!!!!!!!! #and he gets a ponytail because. well look at him #idr who i saw say 'i knew he had bakura vibes' when the finale dropped but i was definitely channeling that here #i've been resisting the urge to ramble abt baldr in the tags. because. i am insane #but. BUT #i dont think that there's a meaningful difference between baldr and darkness. like i think 'possessed' baldr IS baldr #and that he's always been Like That. but i also think it's a mask #like he is cruel because of hatred and anger but also because of grief. and also because he's miserable and - #- because he needs to feel like he deserves it. deserves to be miserable #like it's about punishing himself. that's what it is at its core. he is vile and so he will act vile #but it's an act. he's putting on a show. it's a performance #'i win. you lose. the end' #so he tries to drag xehanort into the performance by goading him into being hurt and angry and vengeful towards him (like he deserves) #but the second xehanort refuses to play along the facade comes crashing down #all that to say. i remembered this bit of dialogue from days and felt like drawing something self indulgent. again #happy valentines day to unwell people <3 #my art #kh art

[pyrrhiccomedy]

How’s Tomassin doing? Besides, you know, wretched.

Surprisingly good actually? He's fallen in love with Innokenti, that blind and wild fairy-knight; who loves him in return. Bastian set them up, on the queer intuition that the two loneliest people he knew might have something meaningful to offer each other, despite their obvious differences.

It's very hard for Tomassin to be loved. It goes against the grain of that flinching thing at his heart to take up that much space in the world, to anyone. He will love - in quiet, aching solitude - very easily, and never ask for anything, or give any indication of his feelings. But how could he allow anyone to love him - blighted aberration that he is? How could that not be a great and selfish unkindness? What future could he offer someone, when he is on a forced march to kneel at God's feet and accept a seal of condemnation? How could he let someone open up a country in their heart for him, when he knows the touch of his feet upon its soil would poison the ground with salt?

But Innokenti had a blunt counter to all of Tomassin's objections: and had the nimbleness of mind, and perverse persistence, to make his case. Oh, you think you'd salt the earth inside his heart? Salt it, then: nothing grows here already, not anymore. At least you would be one living thing, in this vast and barren continent. Oh, you are afraid you couldn't offer him a future? He is fairy - what is the future to him? He lives in an endless present, and never thinks about tomorrow. You think you are condemned by your God: Innokenti has already been abandoned by his. He won't say that's not true or God doesn't hate you, Tomassin. What does he know about the Christian God? You could well be right. But he can hold your hand, in the darkness outside of salvation: and we could be a comfort to each other.

They've been very good for each other, since their love has been acknowledged between them. Innokenti has made Tomassin more comfortable in his own skin, more willing to speak up and less mortified to take up space; and Tomassin has made Innokenti more grounded, more patient, and more thoughtful. They are nearly inseparable, these days, and Tomassin's grief and shame over the unavoidable circumstance of his own existence has been undeniably, a little, alleviated.

#heretic #something nice actually happened to Tomassin! #Tomassin and Innokenti were absolutely the two most miserable people Bastian had ever met #and even though they couldn't appear to be more different - #Tomassin a quiet and haunted and faithful priest whose gentleness is so complete that he wouldn't defend himself against his own kidnappers #and Innokenti a drinking whoring wildly reckless pagan with a penchant for violence #Bastian saw something deeper in both of them that suggested they might be good for each other #they are both deeply philosophical - deeply spiritual - deeply in different ways engaged in radical empathy #their loneliness and grief and certainty that they exist outside of a sublime order that they long to be a part of was shared #but the religions and orders they believe in are so different that they would be unable to judge each other - #while completely honoring each other's devotion and faith #Tomassin doesn't vibe with Innokenti's druidism any more than Innokenti vibes with christianity #but both perceive their delicate pursuit of syncretism as a generous act of profound romance #dice matters