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cognacdelights · 4 years

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A Note To Society

This is something that I’ve been debating whether I should post or not. It includes things which are very, deeply personal to me and is not something that I share with many people.

This sleep-deprived, chaotic ramble includes some of my most personal and deepest of thoughts, feelings and personal experiences. Please don’t feel obliged to read this, or all of this.

At the end of the day, I am still a person with feelings, so please, if you so choose to read, please be kind.

Trigger Warning: Sexual harassment. Sexual assault. Mental health. I haven’t edited this so there may be spelling/grammar mistakes.

So, as I’m writing this it’s 6am. I have a lot of things on my mind following a very triggering conversation with somebody earlier this morning and need to get this off my chest for the sake of my sanity, and my own mental health. This post contains very personal details of events that have happened to me over the years and therefore I only feel comfortable sharing this on a platform where I can remain somewhat anonymous (providing I decide to post this at all); I am still dealing with these events and so choosing who I share these details with within in my close personal relationships - which is currently limited to a very small number of people - is very important to my mental health.

I am twenty one years old. I’m twenty one years old and I have a long list of events and situations where I have been taken advantage of, sexually harassed and/or sexually assaulted by a man. I’m twenty one years old and have more individual instances of negative and harmful experiences with the male gender than positive. I have a generalised anxiety disorder, caused by a particular instance of harrassment that has completely changed my way of life. I’m twenty one years old and flinch when a man touches me - whether I’ve known this man for years, or just met them; whether I am comfortable around this man, or not; whether I am anticipating the contact, or not. I’m twenty one years old and have not only endured a long list of instances where I have been violated, but have also had my experiences joked about, invalidated and completely disregarded.

The first instance where I was taken advantage of was when I was 15 years old. I didn’t have many friends during my final two years of school and spent most of my time with a boy in my year. Everybody had come to the conclusion that me and him were “a thing” despite me putting them straight. So, when he invited me to a party at his house, and to spend the night with what I assumed would be a large group of us who couldn’t go home drunk to their parents, I accepted. Obviously, I lied to my parents about where I was going and who I was with - as most other people would have done. So when I got to his house (which was at the time about an 45 minutes to an hour by car from my house), I was confused to see nobody else there - and there be no sign of a party. He had lied to me about the whole situation to get me to his house. There was in fact a party... the night before. So when I asked people about the party at “unnamed boy’s” house, they all knew exactly what I was talking about. Not having a good relationship with my parents, I didn’t feel as though I could come clean about the situation and decided that I had to go through with spending the night at his house. He pressured me into drinking from quite early on and by the time it had come to sleep, I was very drunk. I don’t remember exactly what happened between the time we started drinking and going to sleep, but I do remember that he let me sleep in his bed and he had made a bed up on the floor. However, when I woke up the next morning, he was in the bed with me. It was only a single bed and he had trapped me against the wall so couldn’t get out. I was terrified. I had pretty much no recollection of what had happened and just wanted to go home. I felt uncomfortable and violated. The following Monday at school, I had heard my name being whispered, had people staring at me and laughing at me. The boy had taken pictures of us in bed together, sent them around to people and had told them I had slept with him. I felt disgusted. I still do. It was to the point that I felt as though I had to move to a completely different area to continue my education after leaving school at 16, instead of staying at my original school to do my final two years of education. (Sixth form/college years).

The second notable incident which I remember was when I was 17. I was on the train home from a friend’s 18th birthday celebration and was quite obviously drunk. I remember this incident the most vividly and in explicit detail, despite being drunk. It was the night of the Manchester United vs Manchester City derby and the train was packed with football fans. There were no seats so I had to stand by the doors, and being drunk, I had to hold myself up against the railings beside the doors. A man, who was bordering twice my age, wearing a blue pin stripe suit and brown court shoes was drinking excessively on the train behind me. My train journey lasted 19 minutes - and for 15 of those minutes (yes, I counted down every painful minute until my stop) this man had himself pressed up against me, his hands underneath my skirt trying to get into my knickers, thrusting his semi-hard dick into the back of me, his lips on the back of my neck where his stubble rubbed against me so roughly it left a rash, and at one point had me pressed against the train doors. I tried to get away, but I was drunk and he was stronger than me. I told him to let go, but he refused. I was on a PACKED train with at least twenty to thirty other people just casually watching him do this to me. His friends laughed and cheered him on. Nobody, no other man, no other woman, even stepped in to help. They all just watched him do that despite my obvious attempts to get away, and my quite vocal pleas for him to stop. I can still smell his aftershave. To this day, the smell of Dior Sauvage makes me vomit. It gives me anxiety attacks. It took me three years to get back on a train. I even told somebody this time about what had happened, but I was told that I probably just misunderstood him; that I shouldn’t have been drinking; that I was being dramatic, and exaggerating the situation. These words came from my own mother. Do you know how dmaamging that is to a person when their own mother doesn’t believe that they’ve suffered this very frightening trauma? I had panic attacks before this, but had only really encountered them during exams, but after this I was diagnosed with a generalised anxiety disorder and now have to take daily medication to manage this. I was placed on the CAMHS waiting list, but due to this being so close to my 18th birthday, I never received my counselling because the waiting list was at least six months for my area.

Another significant event that happened was when I received my A Level results. It was a Thursday, and Thursday nights are student nights in my local town. That means free entry, 75p drinks and good music. Me and my friend went out to celebrate. We were only an hour into our night out when we met two other boys around our age, maybe a few years older. They bought us a drink, and within fifteen minutes I couldn’t see straight. I don’t know for sure, but I am almost certain that my drink had been spiked. I couldn’t even stand up straight. So one of the boys took me to the bar area and we sat at one of the tables. He pulled me into his lap and I by this point I was so out of it, I had my head on his shoulder. To anybody else, we looked close. Like we were a couple. His hands went under my dress and he shoved his fingers into me. I was in shock. I couldn’t even speak. My mind was screaming for him to stop, for my body to move but I couldn’t. I physically couldn’t do anything because of the state that I was in - I felt helpless as I let it happen. I was sick shortly after from both whatever was in my drink and the shock of the situation, and the bouncers kicked me out. He told them I was with him and that he would make sure that I would get home safe. I was incoherent, nothing I said was making sense, so they just let him take me. He shoved me into a taxi and gave them an address, but by some miraculous chance the taxi that he had shoved me into was one of the regular companies that I use. The driver knew me, he knew that wasn’t my address as he’d driven me home a countless number of times before and took me to my actual address. I refuse to think about what would have happened if I hadn’t have gotten into his taxi. To those day, that taxi driver takes me home free of charge every night out, or at least sends someone he trusts to take me home if he’s working the switchboards. I am very, very thankful and grateful for this man and his awareness.

Another significant event that happened, happened last year. I was 20 years old. I was visiting a few friends who had loved to London for university, and we had decided to go on an impromptu night out to the local nightclub. After a night of drinking, it was about half an hour before the club was supposed to shut. It had gotten to the point where it was too warm for me and another friend to handle, so we had decided to wait outside for our friends the short while until it closed. A boy that I had danced with earlier that night came up to me and had asked where I was staying. I explained that I was staying with friends, and he asked me to go back to his. I said no. He was very upset by this and continued to try and persuade me to go home with him, getting increasingly more aggressive with each rejection. Eventually, he shoved me against the wall and pinned me against it, holding my hands above my head. He shoved his hands into my jeans and tried to get down my knickers. I managed to kick him, to which he then punched me in the face repeatedly. He yelled disgusting names and disgusting things in my face, and spat on me. His friends, a huge crowd of people and several security guards/bouncers watched him do this to me. Again, not one person jumped in to help. I was visibly shaken by this, I had a severe anxiety attack and was in a hysterical fit of tears for quite some time after this. The one bouncer that actually acknowledged me told me that if I didn’t sort myself out that I would be a matter for the police, that I would be arrested for being drunk. No acknowledgement of what he has watched happen to me at all.

At 4am this morning I was sent an unsolicited dick pic through Facebook messenger by a man that I wasn’t even friends with. I didn’t know who he was, and when I confronted him about how I was obviously uncomfortable with this and informed him how it was in fact a form of sexual harassment and that he could be prosecuted for this if I do wish to take this matter to the police, as it is a crime, he proceeded to make fun of me. He insinuated that I was “psycho” and “crazy”, he laughed at me for not wanting to see his dick and proceeded to call me “boring” for not tolerating his behaviour. This may not seem as traumatising as the previous experiences I’ve gone on to discuss, but his obvious flippant, nonchalant attitude towards the matter of consent, his blatant disregard for my discomfort in the situation and just overall complete lack of respect for me as a person, and as a woman, has just brought about a flood of anxiety, suppressed trauma from my previous experiences and just a general and overwhelming surge of frustration and anger that people think it’s okay to treat a person in such a way.

I, as a woman, feel as though I have no respect, dignity or power. I feel as though I have been robbed of all of this by a countless number of men and several people close to me who should have been on my side. I feel as though my thoughts, feelings and experiences have been invalidated, mocked and just plain disregarded on a whole number of levels. I feel as though I have been forced into a society that excuses such behaviours, accepts such behaviours and in some circumstances encourages and praises such behaviours. I have been silenced on multiple occasions, and I am sick and tired of my voice not being heard when I speak out about the topic in general. I shouldn’t have to put up with a man forcing himself on me, but I do. I, we, live in a society where rape culture is still very much alive and ultimately thriving within the male population. It sickens me that these men and their behaviours are being passed off and excused by the “boys will be boys”/“that’s just how boys are” bullshit. It also disgusts me that I, we, live in a world where I have to justify being a victim; my sobriety does not determine my consent, my clothing does not determine my consent and my “reputation” does not determine my consent. That goes for any situation. Physical or virtual. The worst thing is, those situations I described previously are merely just the most notable, traumatic ones that I have faced - there have been an uncountable number of other situations. Some were so passive I didn’t even realise they were a sexual assault at the time. Some were more blatant. The point is, men need to be educated on rape culture, rape myths and their acceptance and the prevalence of this behaviour. We, as women, should not have to be taught to minimise the risk - we should be teaching men that this behaviour is unacceptable. The fact that I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t have a story of some form of sexual assault or harassment from a male is absolutely disgusting. It’s frightening.

Of course, I must acknowledge that sexual assault can happen to anyone; anyone can be a victim and anyone can be a perpetrator regardless of gender, age and other factors. I am merely speaking on my own personal experiences and am using these tired, early morning ramblings as a way of rationalising my anxious thoughts, expressing my frustrations towards my injustices and releasing such thoughts from my mind in an attempt at peace. I also acknowledge that there are people who have faced much worse circumstances than I have, and my heart truly goes out to them and anybody else who has been affected by sexual assault and harassment. It had permanently scarred me, tainted my view of the world and forced me into a different way of life, but I cannot imagine or even begin to process how somebody who has experienced much worse than me must feel, must think, must have to adjust themselves to accommodate the trauma.

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theother-will-grayson · 4 years

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The Marathon

Fandom: Scrubs

Ship: Jdox

Word count: 2,777

Notes: So yeah uhhh if you didn’t know, this is an old ass blog and I am still officially a Scrubs stan, so if this is a surprise to you...I’m sorry. Here’s a little Jdox oneshot because my rewatch is giving me feels.

Summary: One hard night at the hospital brings two pining doctors together.

Also on FFN and AO3

JD wasn’t the most athletic guy growing up, and he certainly wasn’t anymore, but from 7th grade until he graduated high school, he participated in a horrible, deadly, thrilling sport called cross country. Initially, it had been the bright idea of his optimistic father in a fit of wishful thinking. Optimistic, because 7th grade JD looked like a stiff breeze could give him a panic attack, and the thought of running in front of people in the woods nearly made him go catatonic. But as time went on, he realized it helped a lot with stress and anxiety, whether he was any good at it or not.

There was this race, hosted by the Minooka Mountain Lions. It was the longest course in the conference. High school kids ran 5ks, or about 3.1 miles, but by middle school standards, the winding 1.8 miles of Minooka Park’s trails may as well have been a marathon. And at the end, a hundred scrawny twelve year olds were expected to drag themselves up a hill that seemed to shoot straight into the sky before shoving themselves across the finish line at a dead sprint. The year asthmatic, skinny, pale JD, pre-puberty and all elbows and knees, joined the team, it was the first race of the season, so they all had about a week and a half of conditioning under their belts. It was like asking toddlers to conquer Europe.

The race day came, no matter how much Johnny begged it not to. The gun went off, he jogged a bit and then walked on and off for, like, a mile, and when he turned the corner out of the woods and saw the most legendary sledding hill in the county looming over him, he fully stopped at the foot of the hill, not even noticing the parents screaming encouragements or the equally skinny and asthmatic competitors passing him. He simply stared up at the slope, awed by its incline.

That’s how he felt staring at a 12 hour on-call shift on Christmas Eve with Dr. Cox, a board member in the ICU, 4 car accident victims, one of which had already coded twice, and a young man desperately awaiting a kidney. It was the same feeling, only this time he didn’t start puking Gatorade so violently that his dad had to run onto the course and help him to a porta-potty while a coach directed traffic around his stinking lunch.

At least, not yet.

The door to the on-call room swung open, a figure standing in the door frame, and his heart was in that race again, fleeing his chest in a panic

In a rare moment of Christmas spirit, Kelso had granted a small splurge for some fairy lights in a few places around the hospital. Their twinkling light cascaded through the open door and cast Doctor Cox’s sharp silhouette in a gentle glow. JD had never seen anything so beautiful in his life.

“Let’s get to work, Newbie.”

The hill loomed.

JD barely registered what he was doing, his world becoming a blur of rooms, beds, faces, charts, pens, needles, and Perry. Perry wasn’t blurry. Perry’s hand was on his shoulder, Perry’s eyebrows were furrowed as he wrote, Perry didn’t even blink while tossing JD a chart. And every time he got a chance to finally close his eyes, it seemed like only seconds later that Perry was shaking him awake, helping him to his feet. God, his feet. He just wanted to get off his feet.

Despite the rants and the fights and the distinct lack of affection that JD caught himself daydreaming about, they made a good team. One to think and process, one to bark for efficiency. One to feel, and one to do. One to ground the other. They had to snap at each other, shove charts in each other’s faces, whistle, touch, anything to keep one another focused. Suddenly the hill was muddy. JD was injured, Perry was barely awake, someone was shooting at them, and they were dragging each other up the slope, JD screaming for bandages —

Just a dumb fantasy. Focus, JD. No, don’t. You’re in a brief moment of blessed peace. Savor it. He tilted his head back against the wall, just wishing he could sit, but knowing the trip to the break room would only waste his precious respite. Perry was handing him coffee.

And then, his pager. Perry’s pager. They locked eyes as they recognized the room number.

Zoe.

Among all the christmas bustle there was one of the usual snow related accidents on the freeway. A little 7 year old girl had been in the pileup. Her 16 year old brother, Charlie, had been behind the wheel driving in his first snow. He was dealing with broken ribs and internal bleeding, but he looked like he was going to pull through. Zoe had been touch and go for a while, but she had seemed stable enough. What the hell had happened? He abandoned his coffee without hesitation. Charging towards her room, all JD could think about was how young she was, how guilty her brother had felt about the whole thing and how relieved he’d been when he’d found out she was stable.

She wasn’t dead yet.

JD pushed every thought that wasn’t do this now out of his head as he sprinted down the hall, his stethoscope bouncing on his chest, running on his toes, muddy tennis shoes digging into the earth and bounding up tree roots like stairs…

“Starting CPR.”

It was probably going to rebreak her ribs but he didn’t care. Broken ribs are common when bending them two inches past their normal state, especially when they’re barely healed on a little girl.

He was sweating from the effort of the compressions. His heart was pounding. He found himself wishing for the magical ability to transfer his racing heartbeat to this little girl, to give her his shallow breaths.

“C’mon…” He was climbing uphill, carrying Zoe on his back. She was heavier than she looked. His lungs burned, his calves screamed, but he pressed on. The end was so close.

But medicine isn’t a race. There’s no finish line that you have to push for, no giant timer telling you your level of success, no string of plastic flags to funnel you into the blessed end. Saving lives has a time limit. If you’re not fast enough, the finish line disappears.

Zoe ran out of time.

He slumped to the floor outside the room. Doctor Cox stood above him. “Can’t win ‘em all, Newbie.”

All he could do was rejoice in being off his feet.

He could feel Perry’s eyes on him as he decided whether he wanted to listen to the half of his brain that begged for sleep, or the half that knew he didn’t deserve it. For a moment, it almost seemed like Dr. Cox could hear those voices too, or at least could identify the outward signs. Either way, he simply said, “Go home.”

JD couldn’t even muster the energy to express his surprise. He had come to expect baiting and tricks from his unwilling mentor, but for once he seemed genuine. He hauled himself to his feet again. God. “Merry Christmas, Doctor Cox.” And that was the closest they would get to a fanfare, to a roaring crowd praising them for collapsing across the finish line.

The sliding doors opened to greet his approach and a gust of wind dusted a few flakes of snow onto the carpeted entrance. The asphalt had already been salted, leaving goopy gray puddles of slush that squished and splashed in grainy chunks beneath his sneakers. But beyond the parking lot, outside the perimeter of the hospital, the snow glinted off the trees colored by dancing Christmas lights.

His mind wandered to his apartment, to Turk and Carla, who were already asleep in the apartment. They would wake up only a few hours after he got home, ready to celebrate and smile and laugh with their favorite third wheel.

He thought about that warmth, that contentment, that boost that he couldn’t bring himself to believe he deserved, and decided he wasn’t ready to leave.

Suddenly invigorated, JD about-faced and power-walked to the nurse’s station, filled with anxious adrenaline that he knew was a sprint and could only last a moment.

“Where’s Doctor Cox?”

The nurse pointed, and before he could stop himself, JD had flung open the door to the on-call room. Breathless, he wondered if the lights silhouetted him the way they had Doctor Cox mere hours ago. He’d been breathless then, too.

“Belinda, what are you —”

“Is anyone else in here?” He was stalling — he knew the answer.

“Not a soul. Newbie —”

JD shut the door behind him, at a loss for what the hell to do next.

“Sasha, you’d better go ahead and tell me what the hell is happening or so help me —”

“I don’t want to go home.”

Silence. JD cringed, realizing how childish he sounded. But that was just it. He felt like a child, reduced to basic emotions of tired, frustrated, sad. He couldn’t express anything else. Not that he should, even if he were able. He couldn’t just say, “Kiss me so I know that everything will be okay.” Like most things, that was better left in his head.

“Come here.”

JD obeyed semi-consciously. Dr. Cox’s warm hands connected with his shoulders, their heat spreading through his veins like ink in water and guiding him toward one of the beds. JD had a brief flash of clarity, realizing he was about to be tucked in. Child, his brain scolded. He ignored it, toeing off his shoes and folding himself under the thin blankets.

Dr. Cox sat on the edge of the bed, half on and half off. The sight of his profile, curved forehead, elegant nose, full lips, strong jaw, outlined against the navy darkness behind him took JD’s breath away. With all the running and the shoulder touching and closeness, he hadn’t even taken a moment to question why Dr. Cox hadn’t already put his foot up JD’s ass. Before he could dwell on it, let alone say anything, Perry’s fingers were in his hair and every one of JD’s brain functions stalled.

“It’s been a while since this job got to you, huh? Yeah I think you’re about due for a breakdown.”

His throat felt thick. Despite finally being in bed, off duty, off his feet, JD felt less like relaxing and more like crying.

“Now, me, I had mine last week, a few days after Jordan finally decided to leave for good. So I’m a solid rock. Whatever you need, Newbie, I’m here.”

All he could do was nod.

Dr. Cox sighed, the soothing motion of his fingers combing through JD’s hair as steady as his presence ever was. “What I’m saying there, Newbie, is that there’s no shame in letting go and breaking down, as long as you’re still ready to put your dukes up the next day and take some more punches.”

So he let go.

He had cried in front of his reluctant mentor several times, but never like this. These weren’t angry tears or exhausted tears or frustrated tears. These were all of the above, shoved down for god knows how long. And Dr. Cox endured it, scratching gently at the short hairs on the back of his neck and not saying a word. Minutes passed, and JD felt his mind coming back to him, along with the clarity he needed to be embarrassed. He sat up, shoving the heels of his hands into his eyes as if trying to force the tears to stop flowing. Dr. Cox gripped his wrists and pulled them away.

“Sorry,” JD said. Whether he was apologizing for the tears or the self-abuse, he did not know. He reclaimed his hands, which felt heavier than he remembered, and lifted the sleeve of his scrubs to wipe his eyes.

“Maggie, if you didn’t gather from my highly out of character kind speech from before your little sobfest that you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, I’ll repeat it in a way that you can understand.” Perry gripped JD’s chin, and oh how he wanted that to be real affection. “This. Place. Sucks. And no matter how thick your skin is, this hellhole is going to get to you. Bottling it up will drive you crazy, Newbie. Take it from someone who knows.”

“...Thank you.”

“Of course.”

Of course. What an odd response to a thank you. As if JD shouldn’t expect anything less.

It was then that JD realized that Perry had let go of his chin, but their faces were still achingly close. He could feel Perry’s breath on his lips, beckoning him closer. It was so tempting to reach forward and kiss him, not in some fireworks display first kiss full of romance novel heat and passion, but to just kiss him once on the lips, once on the neck, and just fall asleep in his arms as if they’d been lovers for years.

The unusual comfort and warmth was getting to him. He was drunk on the affection and everything felt so twisted, but he was spellbound, unable to move away. Only closer.

And closer

And—

Dr. Cox put a hand on his chest. “Newbie—”

“No,” he interrupted firmly. “No more excuses.”

And just like that, they connected. It wasn’t a fireworks display, but it wasn’t familiar either. It was easy, natural, electric. Like he was meeting Perry Cox for the first time. It was that final sprint, pushing everything he had into gaining seconds. It almost snuck up on him. One second he was enjoying the scent of Perry’s cologne up close and the next they were gripping each other’s faces, enraptured by the taste of one another. For a few unending moments, they couldn’t get enough of each other. For a few brief infinites, they gave into the absolute irresistibility of one another, the magnetism that they had fought for so long. And like magnets, they clicked into place.

And then they parted, slowly, achingly. Their lips hovered centimeters apart as they tried to breathe in one last taste.

JD pursed his lips, his head swimming as he fought for the courage to speak. “I…” just do it, Dorian. “Um, I have feelings for you.”

A tense pause. And then, he laughed. Doctor Cox actually laughed, and JD froze.

“That’s your glorious love confession?” Perry said, still grinning against his lips. “‘I have feelings for you?’ Surely after years of pining you can come up with something better than that.”

JD felt like an idiot. Of course. Of course Doctor Cox didn’t reciprocate. This is why he didn’t say anything for so long, because he knew it would turn out this way. All thought was replaced with action. He panicked and pulled Perry in for another passionate kiss, one he couldn’t escape from. Just keep kissing, pretend it never happened.

He seemed to gain ground for a moment before Perry shook off his surprise and pulled away, ducking another attack.

“JD,” He said. “I have feelings for you too, they’re complicated, messy feelings, but there’s no use denying them anymore.

JD felt the breath leave his body. “Really?”

A chuckle and a sweet kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Give me a chance to speak before you panic next time.”

Next time. There would be a next time. JD had been waiting for this moment since the first day of his internship. Perry Cox was confessing his feelings while kissing him in the on-call room, and suddenly he couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. They clicked into place once again, grinning against each other’s lips. JD sprung forward, and they fell together, tumbling and laughing and kissing and feeling and lifting shirt hems and grabbing skin and—

“Not here, Newbie.” The nickname had never sounded so sweet. “Not now.” He granted JD a kiss. “Soon, I promise. But not in this dump.”

JD wanted so badly to protest, but he was so goddamn tired, and Perry’s arms looked so inviting. His face fit perfectly in the crook of his harm, and fingers came to ruffle his hair briefly, but JD didn’t let them leave. Perry chuckled and obeyed, gently scratching at JD’s scalp until his eyes could barely stay open.

Every shift at the hospital felt like a race, filled with hills and obstacles. But Perry...Perry had been a marathon. And it felt so good to cross the finish line.

#fanfiction #jdox #scrubs #jdxperry

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firemedicdiaz · 6 years

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Wicked Whumptober - Day 24

For Anonymous.

Fandom: Star Trek AOS. Pairing: Leonard McCoy x Reader. Prompt: Drowning. Word Count: 1119. Warning(s): near-drowning, small spaces, anxiety attack, difficulty breathing.

The first sign of trouble comes when you hear a loud creaking noise coming from the large outflow pipe above the water pump you’re working on. You do your best to ignore it, though, electing to continue focusing on the gasket you’ve been tasked with replacing. It’s a big task as it’s part of the pump that supplies the science labs and has a sizeable outflow, and you hope that you don’t screw it up or it’s going to make a huge mess.

Another creak stops you in your tracks. You look at the spot where it’s coming from and watch a small trickle of water drip from the junction between the pump and the outflow. Reaching up, you prod at the gasket there a little bit, gasping in shock as a fissure suddenly runs up the side of the pipe, effectively rupturing the line completely, causing water to spray out. The spray is under such high pressure that you feel the water bite into your skin as you try to put a hand over the fissure and you quickly pull it away.

You frantically reach for your comm but knock it off of the pump casing in your clumsy haste, sending it straight into the quickly forming puddle at your feet. It pops, fizzles, and sparks a few times and blinks out, leaving you without a means of communication. Cursing, you turn and move to the door of the compartment, attempting to open it. It’s no use, though; the ship’s security system has already detected the leak and has locked you in. Without access to an override panel on the outside you’re stuck.

The room is small and very quickly filling with water. It’s lapping at your knees as you do the only thing you can think to do and start banging on the walls and the door with a wrench, praying that someone will hear you. You make as much noise as you can, wading in the water that’s already creeping up your thighs, sending a chill through you, but to no avail.

As the water continues to rise, tears blur your vision. You panic, shouting, knocking on the panelling, desperate. As the water reaches your jawline, you swear you hear footsteps just outside the door It’s hard to tell over the rushing of water, but you continue to hope as the water starts to claim you. There’s very little head room in the compartment and while you try to keep your face above water, it soon becomes impossible. You hold your breath, your lungs burning, but know you can’t hold on much longer.

When you can hold on no more, you gasp, sucking in a mouthful of the icy water. It hurts less than you thought it would, you think, but the anxiety of being unable to breathe quickly coalesces into a knot in your chest and you flail weakly as you feel unconsciousness starting to draw you. You choke on the water as you fade into darkness, though in your last wakeful moment you swear you feel yourself being pulled along by some sort of a current.

When you wake, hours of dreamless sleep have passed by and you have no idea where you are. You’re lying on a bed, covered by blankets, and a soft, dim light illuminates the room around you. There’s a mask on your face - for oxygen delivery, you realize quickly - and something is touching your chest. Blinking, you look around blearily and find Dr. McCoy standing over you, stethoscope in hand, listening to your breathing.

“Welcome back,” he says warmly, smiling as he removes his stethoscope. “How are you feeling?”

You attempt to take a deep breath but groan as it makes your chest hurt. You shrug.

“Alive, anyway,” you reply.

“Well, your vitals are stable and your lungs are drying up thanks to the meds,” Leonard comments. “Looks like you’re going to make a full recovery.”

You nod. Feeling winded, you attempt another deep breath but find that it doesn’t ease the discomfort. You try yet again and come up short. The feeling reminds you of the claustrophobia of the compartment you’d been trapped in and of the desperation you’d felt when you’d run out of air and had been forced to breathe water.

The monitor on your bio bed starts to wail as you begin to hyperventilate at the memories. Your heart is racing and skipping wildly as you reach up to claw at the mask on your face, attempting to dislodge it, desperate to take a proper breath. Leonard’s hand interrupts you, though, gently pinning your arm to your side as he leans in close to you.

“Try to relax for me, darlin’,” he says in a low, soothing tone. “I can’t give you anything for the anxiety right now because it’ll make your breathing worse, so I need you to breathe through this with me. Nice and slow, in and out.”

You do your best to listen as he coaches you, following along with the steady rhythm of his own breathing, and eventually the anxiety starts to ebb. There’s a disconcerting tingling in your fingers and toes but you ignore it as you work to calm down. Leonard rests a hand on your shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly.

“That’s great, sweetheart,” he says with a smile. “Keep going, just like that.”

You nod, relaxing your shoulders and breathing in slow, shallow breaths. You slowly start to feel better and you can tell that Leonard is pleased with what the monitor is showing, too. After a few more minutes, you’re comfortable and breathing easily once again. Leonard moves to sit in the chair at your bedside, reaching out to hold your hand.

“Scared me to death when they carried you in here and you weren’t breathing,” Leonard admits softly. “I thought I was going to lose you.”

You smile tiredly, squeezing his hand.

“Can’t get rid of me that easily,” you tease.

“Don’t even joke about that,” Leonard deadpans, his tone grave.

You avert your gaze.

“Sorry,” you murmur. “Humor helps me deal with stuff.”

Leonard’s entire posture relaxes, his tone softening as he clutches your hand firmly.

“I’m the one who should be sorry,” he says with a shake of his head. “I just got so upset I forgot that this happened to you more than anyone. I can worry on my own damn time.”

You meet his gaze again, smiling tiredly.

“I’m okay, Len,” you say quietly. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got the best doctor in the universe to take care of me and make sure nothing happens.”

Leonard chuckles softly - genuinely - and in that moment you know that you’re going to be just fine.

@starshiphufflebadger @star-trekkin-across-theuniverse @feelmyroarrrr @ababyinatrenchcoat @alluramc @medicatemedrmccoy @arrowsshootyouforwards @wonders-of-the-multiverse @devanshade @dolamrothianlady @startrekimagines @theonlyparadox @gaeilgerua @itsjaynebird @goodnightwife @thevalesofanduin @distinguishedqueenofbooks @elsa-lost-in-translation @thefanficfaerie @gryffindor9whovian @auduna-druitt @archangels-lollipop @supermoonpanda @bubblegum-star-trek @the-space-goddess-16 @bkwrm523 @starmission @the-geeky-engineer @startled-seastar @sassmasterqueen @shewolf-2013 @this-obsession-o-mine @littlecarowrites @eyeofdionysus @nasanatmfers @galaxycharmed @emmkolenn @battlebunnyteardropsinthesun @kirkaholic123 @viioletdelights @ambie2020 @yallneedtrek @iwillwakeherinthemorning @haveyouseenmymind @sorryallonsy @kriskentia @reading-in-moonlight @mad-girl-without-a-box @itsrandombooklover @all-time-foes @kickingitwithkirk @sebastianstanslefteyebrow @annathewitch @kawaiiusagichansan @garnet-redtailedhero @djisfantastic @ever-faithful-sidekick @killerbumblebee

#Wicked Whumptober 2018 #Star Trek AOS #Leonard McCoy #reader insert #drowning #fanfiction #drabble #whump #whumptober

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nicegoodgolden-blog · 7 years

Note

For the question thingy: 1-150.

You sure you wanna read my ramblings for this many questions? lol…here we go! (I did a page break because this is gonna be long & everyone might not wanna read it, haha)1. Who was the last person you held hands with? My sweet son2. Are you outgoing or shy?I’m more of an introvert, but around the right people I’m a little more outgoing3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? Who? Um, I guess my husband when he gets home from work this evening4. Are you easy to get along with? For the most part, yes…at least I think so5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? My husband better6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Passionate people…people that get that little flicker of light in their eyes when talking about or doing what they love. Unique people…the kind who do not give an actual shit whether or not they fit in. People who can sit and talk for hours about nothing & everything at the same time.7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? I certainly hope so8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? My husband. Just hoping he’s having a good day at work so far>9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Not at all. I enjoy it actually. It’s a natural thing &; a very beautiful thing when shared with the right person10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My husband11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “Yeah, he must’ve been tired”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Hallelujah x Jeff Buckley (ALWAYS), This Town x Niall Horan, Kiss Me x Ed Sheeran, Olivia x One DIrection, Through the Dark x One Direction…PICKING JUST 5 WAS SO HARD13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? I LOVE14. Do you believe in luck and miracles I believe in miracles…luck? Not so much15. What good thing happened this summer? Nothing in particular. My baby brother got married, lol.16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Oh, absolutely17. Do you think there is life on other planets? I do not18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Oh lord, no19. Do you like bubble baths? I live for a good bubble bath20. Do you like your neighbors? Not at all21. What are you bad habits? Biting my nails, licking & biting my lips nonstop, worrying22. Where would you like to travel? Ireland, England, Australia23. Do you have trust issues? Not terribly, just depends24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Probably waking up with my kids25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My stomach, I think. Or my arms26. What do you do when you wake up? Make coffee & make my kids breakfast27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I’m fine with how it is>28. Who are you most comfortable around? My husband29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Wanna know something…I have NO EXES. I married the first & only person I’ve ever dated.30. Do you ever want to get married? Already am31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? LOL NO32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Honestly, I’m not into the 3some thing…not for me.33. Spell your name with your chin. tgfail,lfr (LOL)34. Do you play sports? What sports? I like to watch football & basketball35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Once upon a time, yeah37. What do you say during awkward silences? I’m the awkward person that will just walk away lmao38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Passionate, hardworking, loving, kind, generous, funny, intelligent39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? I’m a mom, so TARGET40. What do you want to do after high school? I’m out of hs already & I’m a stay-at-home mom as of now. One day I’d love to work in the music industry (big dreamin’)41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? A second chance? Yes. Nothing more though42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? quiet a lot, so it doesn’t really mean a ton43. Do you smile at strangers? I do. You never know, could be the only smile they see that day. Might just brighten someone’s day.44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? NEITHER. Just thinking about those gave me an anxiety attack45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? My children46. What are you paranoid about? Everything, tbh47. Have you ever been high? No48. Have you ever been drunk? Too many times49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Nope50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Black i think…maybe grey51. Ever wished you were someone else? Not seriously52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? My health issues. I feel like they sometime hinder my parenting & wifing & just humaning in general53. Favourite makeup brand? I’m a fan of BH Cosmetics & the Ulta brand is pretty good as well54. Favourite store? Target55. Favourite blog? I’ve got a few… @harktheharold @freakassharry @harrstylesgotmefuckedup @1989rosesxx @louisgoldchain @fairylightstyles @niallsweatervest56. Favourite colour? Black57. Favourite food? CHICKEN 58. Last thing you ate?toast59. First thing you ate this morning?Toast60. Ever won a competition? For what?lololololol no61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?Never62. Been arrested? For what?Nope63. Ever been in love? oh yes64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?I was 15 or 16. My frind & I decided to tnrow a party while her parents were gone out of town. The guyy I likes was about 4 years older, I believe…well i called him & he came to the party. We ended up sitting on my friends porch all night until like 6 or 7AM just talking about life. He decided he should probably leave, so i walked out to his truck with him & he just leaned in & kissed me. It was both terrible & wonderful at the same time.65. Are you hungry right now?No I am not66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?ABSOLUTELY. You all just get me67. Facebook or Twitter?Neither, really68. Twitter or Tumblr?The Tum, for sure69. Are you watching tv right now?My kids are70. Names of your bestfriends? IRL? Cheyenne, Shelby, Karlynn, Carmen, Taylor71. Craving something? What?Popeyes chicken72. What colour are your towels?Tan & Teal72. How many pillows do you sleep with?273. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?No74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?My kids have tons75. Favourite animal?I like birds. Theyre so free76. What colour is your underwear?Not wearing any lol77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Depends78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Strawberry79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Grey80. What colour pants?black81. Favourite tv show?The Walking Dead and Parks & Rec82. Favourite movie?Always Titanic…then Silver Linings Playbook83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?MEAN GIRLS84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?Mean Girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Honestly, Janis Ian86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Crush87. First person you talked to today?My daughter88. Last person you talked to today?My son89. Name a person you hate?I don’t hate anyone. Hate is pointless. That’s what is wrong with our world. 90. Name a person you love?Everyone91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?Nah92. In a fight with someone?Nope93. How many sweatpants do you have?Does infinity count as an answer to this?94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?a good dozen95. Last movie you watched?I honestly don’t remember96. Favourite actress?Kate Winslet97. Favourite actor?Leonardo DiCaprio…and Harry Styles98. Do you tan a lot?No99. Have any pets?a dog named Wallie100. How are you feeling?So, so tired & sick101. Do you type fast?Sort of102. Do you regret anything from your past?No regrets, just learned lessons103. Can you spell well?Yes, I can104. Do you miss anyone from your past?Sometimes105. Ever been to a bonfire party?Too many106. Ever broken someone’s heart?I doubt itHave you been on a horse?YES, love horse riding108. What should you be doing? cleaning & laundry109. Is something irritating you right now?Not really110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?Mhmm111. Do you have trust issues?Depends112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?My husband113. What was your childhood nickname?T, T-Pot, Tatertot, Toot114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Yes115. Do you play the Wii?no116. Are you listening to music right now?I am117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?I love it118. Do you like Chinese food?Oh, yes yes yes119. Favourite book?The Lovely Bones120. Are you afraid of the dark?No121. Are you mean?Not really, just extremely sarcastic122. Is cheating ever okay?NEVER NEVER NEVER123. Can you keep white shoes clean?NO. Plus, I hate squeaky clean new shoes. I always have to rough em up a bit. Especially new Converse124. Do you believe in love at first sight?I believe in infatuation at first sight. To really love someone you need to know their heart125. Do you believe in true love?Absolutely126. Are you currently bored?No127. What makes you happy?My kids, my husband, music, a good cup of coffee, rain…i could go on… lol128. Would you change your name?Nope129. What your zodiac sign?aquarius130. Do you like subway?I love Subway!131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?My hubs is my opposite sex BFF132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?Hubs133. Favourite lyrics right now?“Them butterflies, they come alive”134. Can you count to one million?probably, but I’m not gonna try135. Dumbest lie you ever told?Oh, there are too many lol136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?CLOSED137. How tall are you?5′6″138. Curly or Straight hair?Mine is naturally curly, I prefer just a nice wave on it though.However, on others, I’m a sucker for curls.139. Brunette or Blonde?I’m a brunette…but I like either140. Summer or Winter?WINTER141. Night or Day?Night142. Favourite month?January & February143. Are you a vegetarian?nope144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?ALL OF THE ABOVE145. Tea or Coffee?depends146. Was today a good day?Yes, so far..granted it’s only 9:23AM147. Mars or Snickers?Neither148. What’s your favourite quote?“Be nice. Be good.”149. Do you believe in ghosts?Not really150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?“I had left them all.”

#nonner #aske me #talk to me

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paradox-oflife · 4 years

Text

tagged by @lememecollector

Get to know me uncomfortably well tag: long post warning

1. What is your middle name? It’s Chinese lmao but if you can read it -> 語寧

2. When is your birthday? December 5th

3. What is your zodiac sign? Sagittarius :3

4. What is your favorite color? Red

5. What’s your lucky number? 12 or 7. These numbers just seem to pop up in my life a lot.

6. Do you have any pets? A very old, old golden retriever. I mean, he’s still healthy, he’s just reaaaal old.

7. Where are you from? Born in Northern California, lived in New Zealand for a chunk of my childhood, but I moved back in like elementary school

8. How tall are you? 153 cm, 5′0 feet tall that's right im a midget square up

9. What shoe size are you? 8.5 or maybe 9 depending on shoe brand

10. How many pairs of shoes do you own? like 4. sneakers, flip flops, semi-formal, and formal shoes

11. What was your last dream about? I have the most vivid and bizarre dreams. Last night, I had a dream about me eating at a restaurant with me friends. And I looked up to the night sky and I could see like, the universe in all its colors and glory. It was beautiful. Also there was something about cocaine??

12. What talents do you have? uuuuh I can play a couple of instruments. piano/cello/ukulele/bass

13. Are you psychic in anyway? define psychic. otherwise not really.

14. Favorite song? Read My Mind by the Killers. Or All These Things That I’ve Done by the Killers.

15. Favorite album? It’s so hard to choose. Top 3 in no particular order: Continuum by John Mayer, Sawdust by the Killers, Bury Me at Makeout Creek by Mitski

16. Favorite movie? Spirited Away. Or maybe Kiki’s Delivery Service. Or Akira.

17. Who would be your ideal partner? Someone who just vibes with me yknow. I can just talk for hours with them.

18. Do you want children? Mm. Not in the near future I guess. If I do, I’d have 2. Because it’s always great to have a sibling.

19. Do you want a church wedding? Yeah. But I don’t like having a really big wedding. I like being low-key.

20. Are you religious? Yeah. I was born and raised Christian. Non denominational, but I guess the closest would be Oneness Pentecostalism? Anyways religion is one of the few things I actually take pretty seriously.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? One time, and it was for stitches. Dumb story.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? No, I will literally get an anxiety attack if I hear police sirens when I'm in the car. I pray that I don't.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? Nah. Would be cool but idk how i’d react.

24. Baths or showers? Showers, but if I’m feeling it, a bath would never hurt.

25. What color socks are you wearing? Not wearing socks rn B). (also why do Americans not go barefoot more often lol. Its considered normal in NZ)

26. Have you ever been famous? No. I guess it’d be cool to be semi-famous. Like those small youtubers with a thousand subscribers. But I could never handle the pressure.

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? Noooo hell no

28. What type of music do you like? Alternative/indie rock

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? LMAO no, and never will. It looks so uncomfortable when you get out. Like... what if there’s bacteria in the water or something.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two to three

31. What position do you usually sleep in? Honestly I have a hard time falling asleep so im always too tired to really remember

32. How big is your house? My parents house. Pretty decent sized. Average two story American house. Well, im only here until the pandemic is over bc college lol

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Cereal or bread.

34. Have you ever fired a gun? The only gun I've ever fired was a nerf gun

35. Have you ever tried archery? No. Never really had a chance.

36. Favorite clean word? Mm... I use chur a lot irl. Then I found out its nz slang and no one actually knows what it means in the states lmao.

37. Favorite curse word? Ah... I don't actually swear that much. Maybe like shit? idk

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? like 18 hours. sorry but I am one hell of a sleeper

39. Do you have any scars? one. very small, hardly noticeable on my cheek.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? Well it wouldn’t really be secret if I knew about it right?? lol. I’ve had three. Two were boys in elementary school, and one was a girl in 10th grade. It was awkward bc im straight but. yeah.

41. Are you a good liar? Im a pretty down to earth person. So I don't lie a lot. But id say im alright.

42. Are you a good judge of character? For the most part, yeah.

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? I can do the southern USA accent, like the cowboy movies lol. The surfer accent, “duuuude”, like the turtle from Nemo. Im pretty bad at the Scottish accent. I can do a received pronunciation British accent, which is the standard accent you hear on tv. I can do Australian pretty well. And of course, my original accent, the kiwi accent. The standard one and the Maori one.

44. Do you have a strong accent? Eh. Not really. Sounds pretty American if I’m speaking slowly. But when I’m relaxed or talking fast, people tell me I sound kind of British. So I guess I have some weird combo of nz/american

45. What is your favorite accent? Australian is my favorite in general. But I love listening to thick Scottish accents. They’re so funny idk why

46. What is your personality type? INFP-T

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? A dress for wedding

48. Can you curl your tongue? Yup.

49. Favorite book? Aw man there’s so many. Fahrenheit 451 is always fun to reread

50. Left or right handed? Right handed

51. Are you scared of spiders? um YES

52. Favorite food? my dad’s fried rice hits the spot like no other. I also like green onion pancakes

53. Favorite foreign food? The three colored egg thing idk what its called in English?

54. Are you a clean or messy person? Probably more on the messy side, but I try!

55. Most used phrased? thick kiwi accent: “Oh, chur bro!” or “chur cuzzy!”

56. Most used word? Honestly it’s probably something like dude or bro

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? Maybe 20-30 min on an average day

58. Do you have much of an ego? I try not to, id like to say im pretty humble when it comes to things. maybe too much.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Suck, but when im bored I CRONCH

60. Do you talk to yourself? Sometimes, usually if its im trying to remind myself of something

61. Do you sing to yourself? In the car usually, but its soft humming most of the time.

62. Are you a good singer? I mean, the most I can do is be on pitch. Nothing ordinary. I whistle like 24/7 in public tho

63. Biggest fear? Externally, probably needles. Internally? My friends are only pretending to like me

64. Are you a gossip? I don’t spread gossip but I listen to it sometimes. Actually, when it comes to the whole beauty community on youtube, I listen to a lot of it.

66. Can you dance? NOPE

67. Can you name all 50 states? Yup

68. Favorite school subject? For me it was orchestra and literature

69. Extrovert or introvert? according to the Myers briggs test im 78% introverted

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? No and it makes me nervous

71. What makes you nervous? Everything. Anxiety :)

72. Are you scared of the dark? Nah. I live in a suburban area so nothing really happens, but if I’m out in a major city no thanks

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Depends how big. If it’s like a typo or something, I don't really care. If it’s something major then I’ll try to correct them

74. Are you ticklish? I used to be. But if you taser tickle me I will scream, or if you squeeze my thigh.

75. Have you ever started a rumor? No

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? Eh ive been the leader of a club before. That’s it.

77. Have you ever drank underage? No!! Dont drink too much when you’re a minor it hurts ur brain :(

78. Have you ever done drugs? No

79. Who was your first real crush? lmao I had one in like 3rd grade but that was a long time ago.

80. How many piercings do you have? I got ear piercings when I was like 8 but I didn't do anything with them and the hole closed lol

81. Can you roll your R’s? Yes

82. How fast can you type? Accurately? around 88 bpm. As fast as I can? more like 120.

83. How fast can you run? I was always more of a explosive runner. But I pretty much sucked at long distance runs. I think my best mile time was like 8:38??

84. What color is your hair? I believe its black/dark brown. can't be sure. im colorblind

85. What color are your eyes? Dark brown.

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anonymous-pretzel-3 · 4 years

Text

Today I got hit with a wave of dysphoria while at work, and I'm not out to anyone there (except my friend who got me the job, but now they're working at a different location), so that was fun. I work at a dry cleaner's, and it was so bad that when I was trying to make a joke in my head about how much of a hard time I was having trying to find the top of the dress I was supposed to be tagging (the joke being that "for someone who grew up as a woman, you would think I would know my way around a dress lmfao") so I could ease my anxiety, I couldn't even think to refer to myself as a woman in the sense of the past which I was like, I can roll with this I mean, technically I was never a woman because I was 16 when I started figuring myself out, so I would have been a girl, but then *cue internal screaming because today is def a male day and I can't think of myself having anything to do with identifying as female past, present, or future*.

And of course, because I'm not out to anybody, they kept using "she" and just...

Slowly...

Dying...

:')))))

AND THEN

There was some creepy old guy on the bus home who was chatting up this other person, and I didn't pay too much attention to him because I was listening to music. But then the person he was talking to got off, and while we were stopped at another stop so the bus could be put back on schedule, I accidentally made eye contact with him, and he started wiggling his eyebrows at me, and I stared at him for a couple of seconds before turning to look out the window and praying that he got the hint that I didn't want to be bothered. Then he said something, so I had to take out my earbuds so I could hear him. He said something along the lines of I was stirring my pot and looked like thick honey or some bullshit like that, and I just stared at him blankly like wtf. He asked me after a few moments of us staring at each other whether I knew what that meant or not, and to be fair, I actually don't exactly know what that means, but I think I got a pretty good general picture (but also I think that was a technically highly incorrect comment because I'm not thick whatsoever???), but I just straight up said I had no idea, and he just kind of mumbled something about like, "you know, like honey? Nevermind." And then he got off the bus so thank fuck for that because I had another half an hour on that bus left before I could get off. But yeah, obviously didn't pass to him which kind of really disappointed about because usually I can pass with my jacket on since I'm lucky enough to be small chested and I was wearing a sports bra, but whatever I guess.

AND THEN

I decided to walk home from the bus stop instead of taking the second bus (it's only an hour long walk, and I wanted to sing), and I passed a guy on the sidewalk who was holding a sign with an arrow pointing to some store. He said hi, so I stopped and we introduced ourselves and whatever and exchanged a couple of sentences, and then right before I left, he asked me for my number (and me being super socially anxious and awkward and already coming home from a long day of panic attack after panic attack because I was learning how to take in orders and actually had to interact with customers, I was flattered but so done with awkward social interactions). I fumbled saying no thanks and trying to walk away, but hopefully I'll never see him again. Not because he wasn't nice, but because I would be way too embarrassed tbh. And at any rate, I doubt he was gay or bi or whatever/attracted to guys, so just... another person I couldn't pass with :')

And now I'm at home, and my family either doesn't know, knows but refuses to acknowledge me as anything other than a girl except the few times that my mother talks to me about my dysphoria or whatever (yet she STILL MISGENDERS ME AND DOESN'T EVEN ASK) and the one time my godparents got me work out clothes from the men's section two Christmases ago and the other time more recently when my godmother and mother helped me pick out two men's dress shirts for interview purposes, or they're my oldest sister (who is still younger than me because I am the oldest). She knows, and she always asks me what pronouns I'm feeling before she texts her friends about me (I use changing pronouns irl), but she knows better than to use anything except she/her around family and just go along and agree whenever the rest of the family calls me a girl 😔 We have conversations though about it though that are always very validating, and I think it's funny she insists on calling me her "brothersistersibling" instead of just "sibling" because, "It's more fun to say, and it's more accurate since sometimes you're my brother, sometimes you're my sister, and sometimes you're my sibling!" Lol

I feel really lucky to have her 😊

#long post #rant #personal #dysphoria tw #genderfluid #genderfluid problems #transgender #trans #afab #afab problems #afab nonbinary #nonbinary #negative #sort of #ends on a positice note though #siblings

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hgfstreamchats · 5 years

Text

The Grinch

This week, I have no option for inputting audio. I'm sure this was some attempt to streamline the features in only the best of intentions that went horribly awry. Or, they don't know their hands from their asses. either/or AND OF COURSE THE SHINY NEW ALTERNATIVE IS DOWN. Bah. Naturally We could... watch with subtitles? That's no fun. Let me restart and if that doesn't work, we'll fall back on watch2together or one of the other options nobody likes. Hooray! ...Well, I'm livid! There, there. SOMEthing will work. We could try... sharetube? I've only just heard about that one, not tried it Oh, doesn't seem to work... What did we do between rabbit and kast? I remember we tried a whole slew of options. I mean it seems to sort of half-work but I can't seem to get specific videos Yeah, but none of them seemed to quite work. There was one that wanted us to download something and I think one that wouldn't play anything Wait. Let me try one more thing. SUCCESS! Fingers crossed, everyone... WOO AHA Oh man The Dragon Prince is so good it IS, I'm not caught up on it though just the first season It just gets better Time to reward ourselves with some well earned this. YES Yes! That 'extended cut' caught my attention I admit Classic. A normal interaction! spoof? let's watch that! I'm sure it would have continued to be perfectly normal had the parents not walked in It was at the top of the list on the video page Oh my god a;sdjfldjfsl At first I thought this was a redub, but THIS one however is my favorite, personally. Wow ASDL;JFDLDSFKJ; *eyebrows* I like the subtlety Likewise! Quick and to the point. Is there another window open? I keep hearing more sounds and someone's voice Better? Hrn no audio at all now THERE we go Wonderful! You know, I think just having snowballs made FOR you misses the point ...So did HE put up all those signs, or did they At least the dog seems happy in this one Man, this song is terrible Much happier than Halloween Max. psh mold spice I like that he took the time to garnish his depression spaghetti. And light candles. gotta take a self care day awwww Hahhaha I think this officially counts as assault Following him around to make his ears bleed Gosh, I wonder why he doesn't like christmas! It must be because there's something wrong with him and not because they're all very annoying He's within his full rights to defend himself Ewwwww He's fully justified in stabbing at least three of them. If you want to help your mother, sit down and eat your eggs. "Sorry I struck you in the skull at 20 miles per hour." hahahah just visit santa in person, like in that other movie! okay okay the timing of that with 'DECK' the halls was hilarious I admit It was very cute. That is a nice cave though It's nicer than any of the Who homes. spacious, good ventalation, Giant crystals growing out of the bathroom walls. Could use some carpet, but I'm sorry but why does he have a banquet table for 30 people space, so he can make max sit on the opposite end can't risk any semblence of closeness He likes to feel fancy. Look at him, he's having fun awww oh my gosh a little picture of them Oh my god "It's 3000 years old and now it's dead!" That tree was probably like 800 years old lololol But hey! Who cares, as long as they get to have it dying in the town square for a month And not even that, since it's four days before Christmas. I bet her wish is for her mom to meet someone For the month of January, they find a seven story whale and drop it in the center of town to slowly dehydrate. Ooh a turtle kid's got good taste honey no That's just insult tin injury Hello there, extremely realistic depiction of a panic attack. Yyyup yeah that is something Wait so he used to live here Why is he the only... whatever his species is so lemme get this straight The only one in the area, at least. the entire community is close and tight-knit and involves everyone with everything for the holidays but the completely isolate the orphanage from joining any festivities?? Except him, because... he's an orphan? Because he's green? Yeah that is fucked Was he the only orphan in the place? Did he just slip off into the mountains and they wrote it off as an acceptable amount of orphans to lose? this revelation is horrifying So he was like... a small child when he went off to live by himself as a hermit he's completely justified in being bitter And Max is his little service dog. oh god I did NOT need to see that How does he get all this stuff, is he rich Does he steal it Probably. Sit. And eat. Your food. She really just lets her daughter do whatever huh And don't put batter down the sink. ...Are they planning to come back that way EAT THE FOOD YOUR MOTHER GIVES YOU. Wait how come their treehouse has electricity I'm sure she works the night shift so her daughter can give away her breakfast. No you don't Did he make the hat just for this occasion? uh the... This very, very specific occasion? So he wants to summon HORNY reindeer ... the MATING call? You're going to get a reindeer charging at you, spike a-flapping. Skifree! TRAP these kids are vicious Did...did they just admit to stealing 16 dollars from her mother's suitcase? I think so oh yeah, THAT'S what's happening, your dog is delivering cakes Uh I like how everything is striped. Aww. awwww, let him have f--actually sausages might have stuff in them that'd poison a dog, so good call there I'm sure he gets plenty of poison-free sausages. He seems infinitely more loved than any of the other Maxes. the audio and video out of sync for anyone else? I'm glad Yeah. oh it stopped? Actually, it seems okay today (The yeah was to Max being more loved) What did they THINK would happen omg omg CUTE I did NOT like the sensual way he grazed his finger along the paint job he SPECIFICALLY MADE a little sidecar for Mx, that's adorable Between this and the reindeer mating call... I like the implication that max can read english Maybe he MAKES all the stuff he has I want a movie about the man with a bird on a leash. I feel like this movie is careening towards her and the grinch getting together oh god please no Absolutey not. Bet you a dollar. nO Figuratively speaking. I *need* to see that dog robbing houses. Oh, he's actually staying outside. somebody's gotta play look-out Why so many stockings, how many people LIVE there Is--is Max in his little drone thing hahahah I love how this is supposed to based on the book but they're barely using any of the prose at all the original prose He totally brought this on himself "It's very drugged." "we'll just skip this house" That was a lot of night shifts' worth of stuff. But ah, well. Yes because I'm certain everyone would just shrug this off like nothing Right? I appreciate that they kept it metaphorical. It's not literal -- it's how experiencing something profound feels. I hope that's not the reindeer mating call horn gussied up oh god "hoo boy, didn't plan this out" "I'm sorry I ruined your Christmas but here's a stampede of urine soaked, sex-starved reindeer.\" AS;LDKJF awwwww now RUN Night I swear to GOD if this goes in the direction of him and the mom hooking up I'm personally blaming YOU for cursing it into existence Hhaahhaha There's no way this wasn't created by an entire crew full of humans who all suffer from crippling anxiety disorders. Hang on, are they ALL furry and he just dyes himself aparently He's the equivalent of a middle aged human wearing flesh toned, skintight pants and absolutely nothing else. and a tie I wasn't goin gto say it don't forget the tie And a tie. That seems like a small roast for all those guests. They have other dishes, though sooooooo Nothing actually solved the mom's problems huh I guess not? Oh, that's where the credits come in. Which...doesn't count, really, but still. oh THERE we go Oh hey! Cute. And they didn't get together! although it wasn't part of the story sooooo well that was certainly a thing Pretty good A fun movie :) It's a very gentle movie. As is this. well I'd love to stay but I've been putting off getting dinner started for too long Enjoy the short/rest of your night, guys! Enjoy your food! Thanks for the stream, Knock Out! Say hi to Breakdown and Impact for me! Of course! WOW, rude! How dare he be mean to Max Unforgiveable! Well, that's all the Grinch content I've got! Max is the best character and the best dog. Without question! Thank you for coming -- I've been looking forward to this one since last year! Hmmm... You know, I have a suggestion for a future movie :) :) :) Shoot! You'd love it! It's all about racing! It's called "Turbo". *snicker* It looks horrid. We'll ring in the new year with it! Horridly amazing, I'm sure! Clearly! Anyway--thank you for hosting. It's been a blast! Glad to hear it! Thank you for coming! Goodnight! Goodnight!

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fallenaristocat · 7 years

Text

I'm bored okay

 1. Who was the last person you held hands with?my little brother 2. Are you outgoing or shy? Depends who I’m with cause anxiety 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?my fam at an event coming up 4. Are you easy to get along with? I doubt it 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?i dont like anyone at the minute tbh 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Uh boys¿ 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?nope 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? No one really 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Depends who I’m taking to 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? I dont know probably my sister though 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “I’ll pay you for it” 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Honestly Iv been listening to halseys new album the past two months I don’t even know 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Depends who but yeah 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Yes 15. What good thing happened this summer? I finally got a job and it’s not horrible 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Probably 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Yes 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? I dont know who it was so yeah maybe who knows 19. Do you like bubble baths? I hate baths 20. Do you like your neighbors? Yeah but they don’t like me 21. What are you bad habits? Uh breathing I guess 22. Where would you like to travel? Literally anywhere 23. Do you have trust issues? I don’t know 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Makeup 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? None of ye business 26. What do you do when you wake up? Lye in bed for about 3 hours on my phone 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?Darker 28. Who are you most comfortable around? my cat 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Never been in a serious relationship so 30. Do you ever want to get married? Eventually yes 31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? Yep 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Threesomes are weird no thanks 33. Spell your name with your chin “.jszzg” 34. Do you play sports? What sports? Nope 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? I honestly have no idea 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Iv never told anyone ever 😂 37. What do you say during awkward silences? Nothing I just die 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Uh funny i guess 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Bershka 40. What do you want to do after high school? Get a degree 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? No 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? anxiety 43. Do you smile at strangers? If I make eye contact 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Ocean for sure 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? My freaking cat attacking my face until I feed him 46. What are you paranoid about? Everything 47. Have you ever been high? Nope 48. Have you ever been drunk? Yeah 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? No…? 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Burgundy 51. Ever wished you were someone else? Yeah 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? Anxiety 53. Favourite makeup brand? Don’t have one 54. Favourite store? Penny’s 55. Favourite blog? Don’t read any 56. Favourite colour? Rose gold shocker 57. Favourite food? Cheese 58. Last thing you ate? Pringles 59. First thing you ate this morning? Jellys 60. Ever won a competition? For what? Basketball 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? No 62. Been arrested? For what? No 63. Ever been in love? No 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? It was disgusting and dark and I don't know who it was 65. Are you hungry right now? Always 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? Real friends 67. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook 68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr 69. Are you watching tv right now? Nope 70. Names of your bestfriends? eXpOsED 71. Craving something? What? Subway 72. What colour are your towels? Non are matching a bit of everything 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? One but I have about 10 for show 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? 5? 75. Favourite animal? Cats 76. What colour is your underwear? Black 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla 78. Favourite ice cream flavour?cookie dough 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Orange 80. What colour pants? Black 81. Favourite tv show? Teen wolf 82. Favourite movie? I honestly don’t know 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? I didn’t even know there was a second one 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 21 jump street 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? The gay best friend 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Dory💙 87. First person you talked to today? My brother 88. Last person you talked to today? My dad 89. Name a person you hate? Frank 90. Name a person you love? My nanny 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Nope 92. In a fight with someone? Always am with someone 🙄 93. How many sweatpants do you have? One pair 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? I have no idea 95. Last movie you watched? Moana 96. Favourite actress? Holland roden 97. Favourite actor? Dylan O'Brien 98. Do you tan or burn? Tan 99. Have any pets? Cat and dog 100. How are you feeling? I don’t know 101. Do you type fast? No 102. Do you regret anything from your past? Yes 103. Can you spell well? No 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Yes 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? I doubt it 107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yes 108. What should you be doing? Sleeping 109. Is something irritating you right now? Yes 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? No 111. Do you have trust issues? This question was already asked 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? I don’t know I don’t really cry in front of people unless it’s a movie or something 113. What was your childhood nickname? Ew “skinny Minnie” 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yeah 115. Do you play the Wii? Not anymore but I have 116. Are you listening to music right now? No 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Yes 118. Do you like Chinese food? It depends what mood I’m in sometimes I hate it 119. Favourite book? From what category??? 120. Are you afraid of the dark? Complete darkness and if I don’t know where I am and im by myself 121. Are you mean? Yeah I’m sorry 122. Is cheating ever okay? Never 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Yeah actually 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? No 125. Do you believe in true love? Yes 126. Are you currently bored? Procrastinating 127. What makes you happy? Food 128. Would you change your name? No I like it 129. What your zodiac sign? Sagittarius 130. Do you like subway? Yeah I’m not evil 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Oh my god what? Talk to them I guess i dont know 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Pretty sure this was already asked too 133. Favourite lyrics right now? Don’t have any 134. Can you count to one million? Yes 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I don’t know 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed who keeps them open wtf 137. How tall are you? 5,6 I think 138. Curly or Straight hair? Curly 139. Brunette or Blonde? Blonde 140. Summer or Winter? Summer 141. Night or Day? Night 142. Favourite month? I don’t think I have one 143. Are you a vegetarian? God no chickens life 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Milk 145. Tea or Coffee? Neither but tea if I had too 146. Was today a good day? Yeah 147. Mars or Snickers? Neither but mars if I had too 148. What’s your favourite quote? I don’t know 149. Do you believe in ghosts? No 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “As I ran towards her ranting and raving, My loving mother suddenly appeared before my eyes”

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