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himbo-buckley · 4 years

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Intimacy, Sex and Buddie (better known as I have a lot of feelings about this show, some of which are related to the before mentioned topics)

I should preface this by saying this meta was supposed to be a lot shorter and only talk about how both Buck and Eddie use sex to distract their respective partners from whatever topic they actually wanted to talk about but since I decided to rewatch the show to make sure I don’t miss any such scenes, it has exploded a bit and taken on more topics

I should also preface this by saying that the whole of the 118 has some obvious intimacy / commitment issues except Bobby (which is sort of surprising) but *John Mulaney voice* we don’t have time to unpack all of that!

On another note I cuss a little in this Meta because my parents let me listen to TicTacToe as a small child and after that it never stuck that cussing is wrong so, uhm, parental supervision is advised or something?

This Meta will so far have three parts, one for each season and is organised by episode so you could technically follow along

Without further ado I present: Intimacy, Sex and the Buddie of it all, Season 1: (Better known as “Not a Sex Addict”)

Episode 1.01:

Buck, we meet first in the pilot and one of the first things we learn about him? That boy fucks! Like literally his second scene is him having sex in the firetruck, which in the episode is presented to us as his way of dealing with the stress of firefighting (it cuts from Bobby’s confession scene saying some firefighters are sex addicts to Buck racing the Brunette). Then later in this episode, between saving a baby, getting in a fight with Athena and not knowing who Rambo is, he fucks the snake horder and get’s himself fired for his trouble. He also tells Bobby he is a sex addict here.

Now you could easily read both those scenes as proving Buck’s statement or you can read it as him justifying his actions, which I think is what Bobby did, or you can fall in love with the cocky bastard and think there is more to it, which is obviously what I did. And also what I think this show wants you to do? Because in the same scene Buck gives the first of his many heartbreaking speeches about having nothing else besides being a firefighter and how that is the best part of him (or whatever, I’m combining the speeches, I didn’t rewatch that scene because it gives me too much second hand embaressment)

And let’s look at this statement and what we know about Buck by fast forwarding a bit, okay? Because we know virtually nothing about who Buck was prior to the Pilot. We know he spent a summer in South America as a bartender, we know he tried out for the Seals about a year ago and we know he’s been a firefighter for 3 months (meaning the first season is his probationary time the same way Season 2 is Eddie’s), so depending on how long firefighter training takes he probably has lived in LA for less than a year, meaning he probably hasn’t made too many meaningful connections yet and the 118 are really the closest thing to family he has there (a fact that if you fast forward again is sort of proven in canon if - if we take every word as being word of god - by Maddie saying „If our parents call“ in 2.01, implying Buck is probably not close to them) (he also tells Maddie „It was getting pretty lonely here“ in 2.01, so you know, point proven?)

Now I don’t think Buck is a sex addict after all. Yes, he is using sex to unwind (and good for him, at least he isn’t drinking or taking drugs, Bobby), but he is also using it to substitute actual intimacy, because that boy is fucking lonely.

Just look at the scene with the brunette, alright? After the act he asks her: „So can I have your actual number?“ and she says no, and he does this whole macho spiel about „the golden times“ or whatever, but come on, we know this is bull, right? Look at how earnest he looks when he asks! (and here I have to applaud 911 again, because the show only has one young conventionally attractive character at this point and instead of his character just being badass ladies man, but he is held accountable for his actions and the show went out of its way to point out how problematic his behaviour was, so kudos! I love you!)

Episode 1.02:

In this episode Buck loses two people and is understandably distraught. And Bobby comes to him in the locker room, to, as Buck thinks, express his disappointment, which is what Buck thinks he deserves, except Bobby is in full Dad-mode and just wants Buck to talk about it. Which Buck does almost imediately leading to us learning about the Seals and that our Buck has so many emotions and knows it and likes it (again, shoutout to the writers for having their young attractive Macho-dude cry in episode two! Ya’ll the real ones).

Now Bobby clearly didn’t see this coming and is like „Uhm, how about we talk to a professional about all that, I have my own shit, kiddo“ and then we get our first therapist scenes and look, while I do see where people are coming from, I do not consider this rape. I do however think it was a badly thought through scene and also an abuse of power and Autumn Reeser should not be allowed to work as a therapist again. The way this scene is shot and cut however makes it seem like Buck came onto her and did not regret what happened, so you know as the german saying goes: where there is no complaint there is no judge. (which does not mean I condone what happened, but, tbh, this is one of those scene where I feel the writers just did not think the implications through. Someone with a twitter go ask Tim Minear about it)

Anyways, let’s talk about everything before the sex because I think this is what’s relevant:

The scene begins with the therapist asking Buck if he is uncomfortable, he seems that way (and kudos to Oliver Stark for the way he acts this scene because we can truly feel everything Buck feels) and Buck saying his „I’m not really into feelings. I mean yeah feeling them, just not talking about them.“ after which the therapist throws some things at Buck to see what sticks (which is something therapists sometimes do in early sessions, just try to gauge a reaction, see where the no no - zones are, especially with people like Buck who are quote „not scared“. Like, he is so walled up already.)

And now comes the part that I’ll give you word for word, because this is what matters in this scene, okay?

T: „You lost somebody, that’s hard“

B: „Yeah but we lose people. At least that’s what everybody keeps telling me.“

T: „Was this your first time?“

B: „Well, I’ve had calls where it’s been to late but I’ve only been doing this not even 6 months. Now I just can’t shake the feeling that this one didn’t need to go down the way it did.“ (up until the second part Buck sits tall, then he leans forward, his voice becomes urgent, THIS is the important message)

T: “So do you think there is something you could have done differently?“

(close up to Bucks face looking distraught, ding ding, we have a winner!)

After this they cut away to Athena and when we come back Buck is crying and the therapist tries to explain why the guy might have died and then walks toward Buck and tells him how they’re actually here to talk about him and then Buck deflects, he tells her to call him Buck, they talk about facebook, scene change, they come back after Sex, Buck is all better.

(Slightly unrelated sidenote at this point we have seen Buck have sex 3 times and every single time it’s sitting on some chair with the girl on top, uhm, what’s up with that? (He’s a bottom))

But I truly think the important part is what I’ve highlighted, this is where she hit a nerve and sure, he let her finish and listened and cried, but Buck’s a multitasker, he was just waiting for his opening - which the therapist gave to him by sitting down across from him and touching him, so now Buck turns the tables on her and makes her uncomfortable - or: she struck a nerve and he deflects, so instead of the emotional vulnerability she wants from him, he gives her physical intimacy, probably aware that this way he will not have to come see her again (because isn’t that what all women do? Hi, Brunette from Episode 1).

And then the episode ends on the very relevant conversation were Abby asks him out and Buck says no because HE REALISED HE HAS SOME ISSUES WITH WOMEN AND INTIMACY!!! I love this show so much, you guys! Buck tells Abby he can’t go out with her because they’ll definitly have sex and he tells her about the therapist and Abby is all you wish and he tells her how much he likes her and how he has no one else in his life that make him feel good and it’s all cute and dorky and yes, sometimes I do find myself shipping them. A little.

Episode 1.03 has nothing of relevance as far as I recall so we ignore it.

Episode 1.04:

... also not that relevant except that little scene at the end that I thought was in Episode 5 titled: The moment I fell in love with this show! When Bobby says „help“ it gets me every time! I keep expecting him to not answer but he asks for help and I gasp. Every. Damn. Time.

Episode 1.05

... is when it get’s really interesting because this is when the Sex addict meets the women he has been emotionally intimate, which is, you know, the thing he’s sensitive about!

I really like how Buck is all in Protector-Mode and seems so competent up until when they’re in the car together and Abby starts to talk about them (him) not having wanted to meet and it hit’s him that uuups, this is the actual woman he has been talking to! A human being (and not just some voice on the phone he talks to) and an attractive one as it is (and boy do I love how dressed down Connie Brighton is most of the time? Look, she’s pretty and she’s not 25 and she looks it and that’s okay!) so again Buck deflects by making the whole exchange about Sex - you know, physical intimacy because he is scared of emotional intimacy. Which is what I have been trying to prove here.

Then they save that little girl and have the very sweet moment in the car were Buck is very vulnerable, though I think it’s mostly for Abby’s benefit? Because Buck is in protector mode and there is nothing Buck wouldn’t do to help someone else, even flay himself open. He’s just selfless like that.

And then they find Patricia and bring her home and he is very uncomfortable and then he says goodbye all sweet and Patricia tells him to be kind to Abby and Buck is already in so deep, so really someone should have taken the time to tell Abby to be kind and nice to this boy (if Buck gets another love interest I want someone to give them the shovel talk, mainly Hen or Eddie, possibly together, because this boy gives away too much of himself and it hurts me), but alas no one did, so Buck tries to protect himself by, you guessed it, talking about sex!

It really is a defense mechanism for him, which might prove that he came from a conservative background or might just not mean anything, besides that he is very comfortable with Sex and other people are not which is why he uses it to deflect. People generally don’t try to look to deep if you make them uncomfortable, which is generally Buck’s way of dealing with problems: he either pushes back and steamrolls over it or is it too loud and open about something, which keeps people from looking to deep (Season 3 is proof of that, the only person who sees through his act, I think, is Hen because she also uses false bravedo to deal with things. Eddie sees it too, but only after Buck explains it to him, because Eddie operates completely different - but that’s something I’ll talk more about later)

And then all of Bucks fears of people not liking him after seeing what’s underneath are proven right when, after spending a whole day with him, Abby tells him they shouldn’t see each other again because she too likes him and if they continue mistakes will be made (which is just her respecting Bucks wishes from 1.02 but also proves to Buck that no one can like him on a deeper level). She gives this very sweet speech about how good he makes her feel but if you look at Buck’s face it’s just sooo closed off. And then she does this very mean thing with the „do not fuck some tinder-girl“, which i find very hypocrit of her, because she basically told Buck she won’t give him more than what they currently have but also he’s not allowed to look somewhere else for it (although she is very right, Buck needs to learn to find validation in himself and not through other people, which is something he sorta did in Season 3? More on this later)

Which is why we get the phone sex scene at the end. Because at this point Buck has been emotionally intimate with this women and then he met her and he kept being emotionally intimate with him and she basically rejected him so Buck made it about physical intimacy. He rejected her back. Found a loophole. Pushed back.

And I know I’m ignoring the scene in between when he is all proud about not having sex with Abby, but yeah, he would have had if Abby let him so it doesn’t really count.

Side note: this whole Episode proves that Buck is not a sex addict - if he were we would have seen him maybe try and convince Abby or seen a scene of him struggeling with whether he should pick up another girl or something, but they didn’t. Nope, they gave up „Buck with Hen and Bobby - bonding time“.

Episode 1.06:

I dislike this one a lot because it calls the episode before a liar by having Abby go on a date with Buck, after saying they shouldn’t meet each other again. I actually checked IMDB to see if there was a christmas break between those episodes, but nope, they aired a week apart! (Also how everyone pushes Buck into doing Valentine’s day even though he doesn’t like it? Yeah, not on board.)

But you know what’s relevant af about this Episode? The scene between Bobby and Buck where Dad helps his son get ready. I truly think this scene, combined with his firing in 1.01 is what caused the shift into Buck 2.0.

Also canon yet again tells us that Buck is not in fact a sex addict but rather using sex to avoid real intimacy and then they have this bantery conversation about not being a dick by having sex on the first date and being a gentleman and I love how Peter and Oliver play off of each other here. This scene is so much fun to watch because they clearly had so much fun acting it.

We can basically jump over the rest of the episode, but I do want you to look at the scene between Bobby and Abby in the hospital for a moment because I 100% thought they were setting up a love triangle here? (Again, someone with Twitter ask Tim Minear)

Episode 1.07:

The actual time jump according to IMDB happens between those episodes (someone who watched Season 1 live please confirm) although in the story there isn’t - they just decided to air the Valentine’s episode in November and then come back in February to talk about the full moon - apparently.

Aside from that Buck is such an adorable dork in this episode which i truly think is why half this fandom is in love with him and some more scenes with Peter and Oliver that are just plain fun happen (and I love season 3 but I miss how much fun they got to have in Season 1). Also our first real bi!Buck sighting and the implication that Buck went from delivering Babys to delivering a tapeworm, only to go: I’m gonna have sex with my girlfriend now! And I honestly love him for that.

Other than that, not much to prove or disprove this meta except Buck being hesitant to go on another date and trying to explain away why he came to see Abby but her just cutting right through his bullshit.

Episode 1.08: not relevant

Episode 1.09:

Our second instance of Buck nearly dying. Buck’s „I don’t suppose you do a lot of pull ups“ kills me every time and Hen freaks out about it a little and he just loves it off. He is a true badass.

Also there is the Ballon scene which makes me mad, because Buck has every right to be upset about everything, even if none of it is Abby’s fault. I’m really up in the air about how I feel about the Bobby and Buck talk in the locker room because on the one hand side I do agree with everything Captain Dad says and I think this scene also is part of creating Buck 2.0 but on the other hand side he is kind of invalidating Buck’s feelings?

Anyways, Bobby tells him, that if Buck really likes Abby he needs to stop trying to feel like she needs saving and let her set the pace. I’m not saying it’s why Buck waited around so long for her in Season 2 but I do think Bobby basically telling him this is what a real man would do - the thing Buck wants so badly to be - plays a role. It’s too bad that while Buck is all in, Abby is not.

I’m also gonna put my clown shoes on real quick and say we get a nearly identical scene in 2.10, when Buck talks to Chimney about Eddie and Shannon. Make of that what you want.

Episode 1.10:

Buck identifies with the guy using him to cat fish girls because he understands his need for connection and intimacy. After all he did the same thing, just a different method.

Also Abby leaves.

There’s not more to say

So this is where Season 1 ends, with Buck aware that he was trying to substitute physical for emotional intimacy and trying to correct it and build a life with Abby - which did not work because Abby left.

But I just wanna mention real quick how much character development Buck has in such a short amount of time! It floors me every time. And while we all know he attributes this to Abby, it’s really just about Buck being Buck and he was already on his way to becoming this guy, simply because through his job and the firefam suddenly he got validation? I feel so proud. I really only wish Buck would finally come to this realisation himself or maybe someone would tell him this. He deserves it.

#evan buckley #buck meta #buddie meta #buck #911 meta #911 #911 fox #textpost #mine #season 1 #meta #my meta

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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years

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aaaand we are back back again with malec livewatch! you can read the first and second parts before if you wanna, or filter out “malec livewatch” if ur tired of this absolute bullcrap

yes i know it’s been years. not my fault okay i was studying

today: post-wedding 1×12! and finally freedom from the terrors of s1

forever a slut for that scene where Magnus just does that hand movement and a bunch of shit starts showing up in the conveniently empty table ugh we stan. imagine if the special effects had been this good all the time they really used up 10 out of their 15 dollars and all the two favors from cousin Mike for this one. 1×12 was so inspired tbh only valid episode

Alec's clothes look so much better without the stupid ugly blazer? could do without the high waisted pants (why) but he looks so much better and also more comfortable. again i hope the costume department staff got a big, fat paycheck because the difference we see in him during the wedding vs post-wedding alone is just insane. he looks so much better and more comfortable and more himself, the blazer made him look stiff and again DOESNT MATCH THE REST. also nice touch that the blazer is the only part of his clothing with gold, the sh wedding color. he gets that off and everything looks so much better

Magnus looks even better post wedding too. like the clothing is already *chef's kiss* but he looks even prettier afterwards somehow. the hair is a little softer and he's less stiff as a whole (for obvious reasons), and aaaa hes so beautifulllll he's so prettyyyy look at his perfect soft little hair falling softly over his head and the PINK STREAKS possibly the best Magnus look i said what i said. especially with him all soft and smiley like that i big love him

sexiest thing about Magnus is how Jace does anything and hes like NO BITCH

the way he says "warlock tracking is stronger" with that smile......... hes so prety

that's a deep inhale he makes before using the tracking spell lmao u ok buddy?

oof i can only imagine how he felt when he was doing the tracking and he was suddenly hit with an image of Camille screaming and hitting in his direction,,,....,,,,,,, Fuck

love how Raphael just locked her in the basement thats so sexy of him we stan

"i punched her there's no way she'll help me" ugh still salty that clary of all ppl got to punch her but not Raphael or Magnus fuck this tbh

STOP MAKING ME LOOK AT CLACE

they both look so giddy and happy to be talking after the whole wedding thing + camille drama like don’t look at me. alec can barely look at magnus because he’s so agitated but you have the smile on his face and magnus is also smiling disbelievingly and i just doaudjsuoiadsa i love they

seriously tho the way magnus smiles..... so private and disbelieving but also so obvious and he’s even looking down like he never expected stuff to go down this well..... bro i stan

i had forgotten about the specific cadence in which alec talks? lmao. there’s a certain tilt to his voice when he says “it’s so INTENSE” that i really love

also that’s a really funny line like honey who the fuck are you to complain about anything being intense. ur the most dive or die bitch in this entire building. and we stan

alec’s WIDE ASS SMILE when magnus says “you certainly know how to make a statement” I CRY. magnus looks so proud of him and still disbelieving that alec went this hard for him and alec is just still on cloud 9 that he really Did That and came out and magnus is just proud of him and wow he really gets to have this and duahdsudhsadajsas???? i adore everything about them

the way maryse shows up and magnus immediately recoils and alec immediately straightens up like magnus is lowkey expecting rejection and alec is just bracing himself for one of the hardest fights of his life

also their expressions are so funny like maryse is LIVID she’s absolutely losing her mcfucking mind with anger homegirl’s head is about to explode and robert is just looking like he pissed on the carpet or something

the way alec doesn’t back down at all is so admirable too like!!!! it’s one thing to make a big fuck you gesture, it’s another to still hold your ground against your abusers after that fact. but he really stands there and goes “this isn’t about you” “i’m the same person i’ve always been” and doesn’t give her an inch of room for clownery. like again once alexander gideon lightwood makes up his mind there’s no stopping him and there’s no going back and he’s just so fucking strong??? he really said “from now on i’m out and you’re going to absolutely deal with that and i will not compromise a single thing” and the lightwoods just had to deal with that lmaoooo

you can see it in maryse’s face too, like after the “i’m the same person i’ve always been” she just pauses, realizing that she lost this battle without even knowing, she was on top of it a second ago and now there’s nothing she can do anymore and she’s just shook. and all that’s left for her is to scoff at magnus and leave, because that’s it, she lost every hold she had on him

alec’s little mouthed “what?” at “and all for a downworlder” too. i think part of him was like “wow she’s backing down already?” because you know he expected this to be a lot harder i think lmao. but i also like to think that there’s a side of “mom what the fucking fuck have you seen him he’s gorgeous and kind and smart and amazing and literally the best person i could have fallen in love with but go off i guess”

robert going all “just give her time” like he doesn’t understand what’s happening here at all. he clearly plays the “good cop” in the lightwood’s abusive dynamic tbh, like people often brush him off as being just spineless but i honestly think that he’s just the other side of her manipulative coin. specially with izzy, like, when izzy said fuck it and completely let go of maryse’s hold on her? that’s where robert came in, being the accepting, “nice” parent who listened to her and cared, and making sure she’d keep her loyalties. because he didn’t really stand up for izzy either and in the end he kept her still glued to the lightwood family through that, and kept defending maryse and izzy listened to him because he was robert. and i think that’s what’s happening here too, him trying to frame this as “don’t worry, she’ll come around” because he knows right then that alec is absolutely going to turn their back on them if that’s what it takes for her to be happy so he immediately slides in and reframes this under an affection light where everything will be alright! even if honestly i don’t think that’s what alec is really thinking about at all, i think he was 100% ready for a showdown

and robert is clearly so disapproving and yikes at the whole thing too but he pretends he isn’t and like lmao

shoutout to their faces when robert asks “are you two in love?” like magnus just turns around like oh hell no we’re not gonna have this conversation and alec lights up for just a second with a small smile before he’s like wait wait no shit shit shit we’ve just met no of course there’s no love (and like... i don’t think there is per se, because i think love is something that takes longer to settle in, specially for alec, but i think the idea that he could talk openly about being in love with a man and even fall fully in love with magnus one day makes him super happy you know?) lmao dorks

tho tbh i think magnus shuts down that conversation immediately to avoid heartbreak. because i think that for this whole thing he was expecting alec to say something he’d hate hearing to get his parents’ approval, you know? like like i said it’s really unexpected and surprising/inspiring that alec didn’t back down an inch there, and i think he was expecting alec to kind of fall back slightly now, like, he played his cards and now he would negotiate with them, you know? find a place to make them comfortable. instead alec gives them a complete fuck you and he’s like... damn obviously super pleased but also waiting for the other shoe to drop

he just steps in like “pls no” and stops that conversation right there

the way alec takes a deep breath and magnus opens his mouth then closes again quickly not knowing what to say and then changes the subject.... he’s really so scared of this talk and i just aaa

alec literally never fucking stops going from magnus’ eyes and lips in quick succession like alec. alec please. stop being horny for just a second man. please alec i’m begging you

it’s so cute how magnus mentions a date and alec is immediately like “hell YEAH we should do that” no hesitation like he’s 100% ready to leave immediately right now (i see his pause between “wanna... i don’t know, get a drink?” and “....sometime?”, i see it, you can’t fool me alexander) and also the fact that his first suggestion is something that he hates but that he knows for a fact magnus likes is so cute, like he immediately goes for magnus’ interests here and we stan

i also think that he’s come to associate drinking = dates after 1x06 and the way magnus called him specifically for a drink before he showed up too, like... it’s cute how he immediately came to associate those things because of magnus and just jumps into that because that’s what he knows. he’s so eager and like good for him

magnus’ SMILE when he says that like bro he can see how stoked alec is to go on a date with him they are adorable he is so fucking HAPPY i doubt he expected such a great outcome from this and yet here they are

ALEC DOES THE WHOLE LOOKING AT HIS LIPS IN QUICK SUCCESSION THING ONE LAST TIME BEFORE THE SCENE ENDS SHUT UP OH MY GOD HE NEVER STOPS. MATT DADDARIO THANK YOU FOR MY RIGHTS

next part

#malec livewatch #sh #malec #magnus bane #alec lightwood #abuse tw #maryse tw #camille tw #anti clace #meta

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love-little-lotte · 5 years

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POTO Manila 2019 Experience

I crossed one thing off my bucket list last March 2, 2019.

Finally, finally, finally. I finally got the chance to witness my all-time favorite musical, The Phantom of the Opera, live. Anyone who really knows me knows that I am totally in love with this show.

I first learned about the existence of POTO when I was 10, when I first read an abridged version of the Gaston Leroux novel. Then I watched the 2004 film, starring Gerard Butler and Emmy Rossum. Ever since then, I fell in love with the musical. I listened to the Original London Cast, with Michael Crawford, Sarah Brightman, and Steve Barton. I watched the 25th anniversary, with Ramin Karimloo and Sierra Boggess. I streamed countless YouTube videos. I wrote down the lyrics, memorized them by heart, and sang along even though I couldn’t reach the high notes, not for the life of me.

POTO became one of my passions, and (yes it sounds cheesy AF) also helped me become the person who I am today. It’s not my first musical (family friendly The Sound of Music is my first because my mom plays the Julie Andrews movie all the time), but it opened my obsession to musical theatre. Through POTO, I got to learn more about Broadway, theatre, and musicals.

I have my brother to thank for this wonderful experience. This was meant to be a birthday and graduation present all rolled into one. And it’s actually the best present I’ve ever received. Not only did he pay for all of my expenses, he also accompanied me and took my pictures! Shoutout to him for making one of my major dreams come true.

This was taken on our way to the theatre. It was a one-show day, and the play was going to start at 2:30 PM. I heard from my friend (who already saw the previews) told me I should be there as early as possible so I can take a lot of pictures before most of the audience arrive. And since I want to take as many photos as I can, my brother and I left our hotel as early as 12 noon.

I was so excited I even took a photo of the theatre while we were in the car. My heart was pounding the entire time. My head was reeling. I still couldn’t believe I was there. It felt like a dream I had before. And believe me when I say I dreamt a lot for this moment.

When we got closer to the theatre, I saw a big poster just right outside. I gave out an excited squeal. “I got to take a picture of that!” I told my brother.

And so I did.

Before entering, we noticed there was some Phantom stuff just right outside by the entrance. Aside from the make-up closet (which is self-explanatory), I didn’t know what was inside of the rest of the boxes but I still took some photos nonetheless. I still had a lot of energy around this time.

This was by the entrance: some posters of the musical productions that toured in Manila before. (From left to right: Chicago, Singin’ in the Rain, Les Misérables, Wicked, West Side Story, and The Sound of Music)

After entering the building, I saw this amazing backdrop and of course, immediately posed in front of it......

.....only to learn the words “The Phantom of the Opera” were cropped so I told my brother we had to go back so we can take a proper picture again.

And there we go.

We went to the second floor afterwards, which was where the theatre was located. And this was when the “taking of photos” spree began.

Exhibit A: Mask, roses, and candelabras. Yep, that’s the whole show right there.

I’m kind of bummed that they didn’t really have a photoshoot for the World Tour. I mean it’s nice to see Kelly Matheison from the West End cast because she’s adorable and gorgeous, but I would love to see some Meghan Picerno HD posters too.

Don’t mind me, I’m just posing here with the POTO posters.

Exhibit B: Ah love this shiny, sparkly mask. Yes, the pic is sadly a bit blurry.

Exhibit C: My brother told me to go sit down on the floor and pretend to be Christine, but there was no way I’m doing that with that dress. I wanted to put on the cloak and the mask, but decided I should go with the rose instead.

Exhibit D: “Look at yourself in the mirror, I am there inside!” This is my favorite picture, which also refers to my favorite part in the musical.

Exhibit E: Yeah at this point I was running out of poses. Standing and smiling at the camera was getting boring.

Oh, and would you look at this! A production of Cats in November 2019, starring Joanna Ampil! Isn’t that amazing? She’s one of my favorite theatre actresses and I would kill to see her sing Memory live.

Anyway, what’s up with the Philippines and Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals?

Yeah, what is up with Andrew Lloyd Webber and the Philippines? We just can’t get enough of it. I’d definitely want to watch Love Never Dies when it comes to Manila, even though I’m not such a big fan of the story. The music is brilliant, as well as the sets and costumes. Can we please have Meghan Picerno as Christine Daaé in this production once again? (And maybe throw in Jonathan Roxmouth, too, cause people love him so much here.)

At this point, my brother already left me. He went back to the hotel while I sat on one of the couches, waiting for the theatre to let the audience in. I took a selfie with the brochure. I thought we were all given a program for free, but it turns out you still have to buy them in the gift shop.

Yay! I’m finally inside. I was in the second row, which was very thrilling, especially since the chandelier was really close to me. I couldn’t wait for it to fall down at the end of Act 1!

Sadly, this is the only picture I had inside the theatre. I was so busy taking it all in that I forgot to take a selfie or something. I still couldn’t believe I was there.

I cried as soon as the overture began to play. There are three possible reasons why I did so: one, I can’t believe I’m really here; two, the music was so beautiful, and three, the light from the chandelier made my eyes hurt lol. But, whatever the reason was, I assure you, there were some tears.

My first genuine cry was during The Mirror scene, when the Phantom showed himself in the mirror. It’s just a super iconic scene, and truly one of my favorites.

But the major highlight for me was Masquerade. Sure, I was expecting myself to cry during All I Ask of You (Reprise) or the Final Lair, but Masquerade overwhelmed me. The costumes were amazing up close! I’ve mentioned a lot of times before that POTO costumes are my favorite things ever. The intricately-designed Elissa dress, the fan-favorite Wishing dress, the iconic white robe, and of course, my personal favorite Aminta dress.

But the costumes during Masquerade was the highlight. I didn’t know where to look because I want to take it all in! The ensemble were great, too, and there was just a big fat stupid grin on my face the whole time.

You know, live theatre isn’t that perfect. I can hear the whirring of the machines as they change the backdrop and their heels clicking loudly onstage. I see them spit at each other’s faces. But damn it, it was beautiful. It’s raw and real, which is what theatre is all about.

Sorry for the bad angle haha. This was the cast I saw my first POTO production and I’m eternally grateful at them for giving me a performance to remember. I was just so excited to see that I’m going to watch Jonathan Roxmouth and Meghan Picerno! I’ve seen a lot of videos of them rehearsing, and they both sounded heavenly. I was grinning from ear-to-ear.

Jonathan Roxmouth didn’t fail me. His voice was soft and angelic, and he truly embodied the Angel of Music. I got chills during The Mirror scene, as soon as he sang the words, “Insolent boy!” His Music of the Night was a spectacle, and his height difference with Meghan Picerno also helped. I don’t know why, but I really love it when the Phantom’s a great taller than Christine. Meghan only reached Jonathan’s chest, so their iconic “hug” scene during MoTN looked really good. He also glanced at me during All I Ask of You (Reprise) as he sang the words, “You will curse the day you did not do, all that the Phantom asked of you!” So that truly “made my night.”

Jonathan also scared the crap out of me during the Final Lair. He was truly menacing and just plain scary. I love scary Phantoms, and he definitely delivered! When he said the line, “You try my patience! Make your choice”, he put his face really close to Meghan, and I could definitely see him seethe angrily at her.

But he gained my sympathy in the last part when he started singing Masquerade to the music box. At that point, I was crying my eyes out already. I hope the people in my row didn’t judge me too harshly! No matter how many times I’ve seen POTO, I always cry during the Masquerade reprise.

On a side note, Jonathan’s really adorable in the curtain call. He made a Korean heart sign just after he bowed. Korean culture is really popular in the Philippines for some reason, and he earned a lot of laughs and claps from the audience when he did so.

Meghan Picerno, on the other hand, was the sweetest and sympathetic Christine ever. Okay, that’s a bit of a stretch since she’s the first Christine I saw live, and I’m a bit biased. Her crystal-clear vocals also didn’t fail. I’ve seen videos of her in Love Never Dies, and she was amazing there. Her Think of Me was just so pure, and her Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again made me teary eyed.

Meghan carried herself well. Not only was she a darling and innocent Christine, but she was also a fierce one too. During the Final Lair, when she said the words, “This haunted face holds no horror for me now, it’s in your soul that the true distortion lies”, her expression was not scared or anything. I just love that she could project a lot of emotions from Christine, and not only stick to one.

She also shared good chemistry with Jonathan Roxmouth, especially during The Point of No Return. The sexual tension between the Phantom and Christine was undeniable. The way they touched each other, even caressed each other in that scene was so, so, so good. It’s definitely one of the main highlights of the show for me.

And, of course, Matt Leisy was a darling Raoul. Just like his co-stars, his vocals were heavenly. His All I Ask of You is plain sweet. The way he hugged and twirled Christine at the end part of the song was also a major highlight for me. Also, he was very attentive to Christine, and he was protective of her - some important qualities that Raoul should have. In the Il Muto scene, when Christine started getting nervous that the Phantom was watching over her, I can’t help looking at Matt because he was so undeniably concerned and protective of her. And during Twisted Every Way, he was demanding, but at the same time, very considering.

Matt also worked well alongside Meghan. They balance well with each other. As a matter of fact, the three of them are great together. It’s obvious that they’re comfortable with each other onstage. The Final Lair was so thrilling, and it’s all thanks to them. I’m so happy that they get to be my first POTO Big 3.

Overall, the ensemble was great! I love them so much, and I’m extremely honored that I had them as my first ever POTO cast.

Also, bought two souvenirs from the gift shop! A really cute necklace (which costs 1,500 PHP/28.75 USD) and a tote bag (800 PHP/15.33 USD). I wanted to buy the charm bracelet, too, but I feel like I’m going to have more fun with the necklace, compared to it.

And there you have it! This was an extremely long post, but I want to immortalize my first POTO experience. I’m still in cloud nine, even though it has been almost three days now. It’s truly an experience I will never forget.

#phantom of the opera #poto manila #poto world tour #jonathan roxmouth #meghan picerno #matt leisy #phantom #christine daae #raoul vicomte de chagny #the theatre at solaire #andrew lloyd webber #musical #musical theatre #personal

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mmazzeroo · 6 years

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Jonerys Advent Calendar 2018

@helloimnotawesome

Dear Val! I’m so excited (and nervous) and honoured to be your Jonerys Secret Santa!

Just a real quick shoutout to Val’s story ‘I Chose You’ - go read it if you haven’t already! *hearteyes*

Never done anything like this before, but got this crazy idea in my head and just couldn’t get it out. So I thought why the heck not?! Why advent calendar you ask. Because they are a vital piece of Christmas celebrations in my part of the world, and as a child I loved them so hoped you might too. Beginning your day with a small piece of chocolate what’s not to like, right? (I still do sometimes even when it isn’t Christmas, please don’t tell my mom). There are advent tv-series where children (usually) somehow end up saving Santa or Christmas or both. So I thought I’d try to transfer the concept into writing by giving you a little drabble-ish sized bite each day from Dec. 1st to 25th.

Fair warning: Virgin fanfic writer (written non-fic pieces though). Un-beta’ed, so apologies for that. English isn’t my native tongue. Any and all grammatical and spelling errors, plot-holes and messed up timelines are entirely mine, and I own them proudly. Since this is based on fiction I’m not trying to make it realistic, just plausible enough to be believable. Totally ball-parking everyone’s ages! Also, because it’s Christmas time I’ve tried to keep the story light and cheery despite the underlying current of heartbreak. (Did I give too much away now?)

Hope you’ll enjoy the story - and the ride! Can be read here below or on AO3.

NB: All rights belong to George RR Martin and HBO. Also, all lines and quotes from various movies, tv series and songs belong to their respective writers / producers / owners. I own none of the content.

ARYA I - What A Shit day!

"Sir! Sir! You need to lay still! We're here to help you, ok?"

She was looking into steel grey eyes as wide as saucers. Like a deer caught in the headlights. Wide with fear and pain. Always the same mix only the degree of either varied. The grey eyed man unfortunately seemed to learn towards fear. Damn it! Fear only made her job more complicated. Fear was only a few steps away from panic and panic was lethal. Panic shut down the brain and prevented her from reaching or reasoning with the patients.

"My wife!" He grabbed her collar and pulled her closer to his face. "Save my wife! She's 8 months pregnant! Please!!" His voice broke at the last word and he loosened his grip on her jacket. Yup, definitely need to calm him down. Shit! She took a quick look towards the tree-line feeling like she was being watched.

"Sir, your wife is being tended to as we speak, ok? She's in good hands. Now can you please tell me your names?"

His lips moved but she couldn't hear a thing over the helicopter taking off just then. Brilliant! Thanks Rakharo! She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. By the old gods and the new please keep the woman and her child safe. Brienne was an amazing paramedic and always did everything within her power to keep everyone alive. She had to have faith, yet she could never help herself to say a little prayer whenever she was on a scene. Especially one like this.

Detective Bronn from King's Landing City Watch had already arrested the drunken sod who'd caused this mayhem. SUV hit in the side, pushed off the road, rolled down a hill and burst into flames. Metal pieces, glass and blood spread heavily all the way down. Pools of blood where the bodies of the driver and passenger had landed. Strange how being thrown out of a vehicle could suddenly be looked at as 'lucky', but it had prevented them from being trapped in a burning car. The blood was all too easy to see in the snow even though the only light available was that from the flames of the burning car - which the firefighters were working on putting out - and her own headlight strapped to her forehead. Both bodies had appeared unresponsive until she and Brienne had managed to get close enough. The drunken driver had gotten off with a broken nose and a busted eyebrow. Fucking asshole! If any lives were lost this evening he'd have a much worse hangover than he could possibly imagine. DA Martell would make sure of that!

A couple of decades ago the Starks and Targaryens had entered an unprecedented partnership. While the Tyrells and Martells were battling over who should reign supreme over Westeros, the wolves and dragons set out on a different mission: They united their medical skills for both humans and animals alike. Under one roof. Together. So today when an emergency call was made they sent out paramedics and a tracker for the hurt and scared animal. To help all injured beings. At first there was the usual scepticism when someone does something new, but gradually people began to understand. Her dad and the late Commander Targaryen both believed the idea of 'leaving no one behind' must include ALL family members regardless of number of legs or wings or scales etc. President Tyrell had successfully managed to get a law past about a decade ago which clearly stated that 'a life is a life' and 'any life taken by outside forces will henceforth be considered a criminal offence and proper authorities shall investigate as such'. So if Tormund and his bloodhounds didn't find and come back with a living breathing dog belonging to the grey eyed man...well then mr. drunk-with-a-busted-eyebrow would be waking up to murder charges tomorrow morning.

"Can you tell me your name, sir?"

She had leaned closer to try to maintain eye contact with him. His eyes blinked once, twice, then closed, she felt his breath on her face and felt his hands slip from her jacket, fall and landed limply in the snow. There was a cry from the woods sounding almost like a wolf, but there were no wolves this far South.

"Clegane! CLEGANE!! Get your arse over here! We need to get him out of this godsdamned snow!"

Sandor Clegane was by her side in a few big strides. He helped strapping the man to the board and helped pull him uphill. He hopped in the driver's seat while she went to work in the back of the ambulance.

"Don't you dare die on me now, buddy! C'mon!" Still no reaction. "C'mon damn it! Wake up!!" Fuck! Cutting his clothes to get to his torso she was met by a sight she'd never seen before. His upper body was covered in scars. Some clearly old while some looked to be pretty resent. Seven hells! What's happened to you?! If only she knew his name. People tend to respond well to hearing their name. She kept working on the man while listening to a symphony of Sandor cursing the King's Landing late night traffic. There was a strong pulse again. Good.

"Yes! He's stable again. ETA?"

"5 mins"

"Roger that."

She searched his pockets for any ID's or papers of any kind but came up empty handed.

"Sir, can you tell me where you are?" She gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

"We, we just..." His breathing was shallow and laboured. "We just wanted to find our family." Tears started to pool in his eyes and he was visibly shaking now from trying to keep himself together. "And now," he took a deep shaking breathe, "it's all gone to shit." Tears rolled down his cheeks as he closed his eyes. Once again crashing.

"Damnit man! Stop doing this shit, it's getting real old! You hear me?!" We're so close to the hospital, just hold on a little longer. Leaning in she whispered in this ear, "Your family needs you."

When they arrived at the emergency entrance at the Lyanna Stark Memorial Hospital, Dr. Lannister was already waiting for them.

"Male, injured in vehicle accident. In and out of consciousness, but stable for now. Seemingly superficial wounds to left side of the head. Broken ribs and possible punctured lung on the left side of the chest."

"Has he said anything, Stark?" Dr. Lannister lifted his eye from his notes and looked straight at her. He didn't mean to she knew that, but the fact that he was so tall he literally looked down at her tend to make her feel like a child being scolded whenever he spoke to her. She did not like that feeling. Despite being one of the best surgeons Dr. Lannister wasn't arrogant though. Sure he would often state the fact that he's better than most, but does telling the truth make you arrogant? She wasn't sure.

She lifted her chin towards him and said, "Only few words here and there about his wife and family, doctor."

"Alright. I'll take it from here then. Time to go fix this daddy!"

He started pushing the gurney down to the lift. She took a few steps down the hall.

"Know anything about his wife?"

"Dr. Martell and Dr. Stark are working on her and the babies as we speak. They're in good hands, Arya." His kind green eyes met her own concerned grey ones.

She nodded.

"Wait! Babies? Plural?"

"Twins!", he shouted before the lift doors closed and he disappeared up to the OR.

Twins! Now she hoped even more that Robb and Dr. Martell could work their magic. She knew her brother was a skilful paediatric surgeon, but rumours had it that he was particularly skilled in neonatal care including surgery. Had to be why else would someone like Dr. Martell pick him as resident? Not known for doing favours she wouldn't give two fucks who his dad was if he didn't have any knowledge and skills of his own. Deep breathe. Ok, so overall the country's top surgeons were busy working on her grey eyed patient and his family. That had to be enough. It had to be!

Normally she'd go check the status of the affected animals over at the vet wing, however not expecting Tormund and his hounds to be back already and since technically her shift had ended while out on the call, she went straight to 'Hot Pies & Ale'. Not exactly the most inventive of names, but as Davos said 'we do what it says on the tin.'

Much to her surprise she heard the rambunctious wildling's voice the second she set foot in the pub.

"For fuck sake Bobby, stop licking Bessie's tits! At least buy her dinner first, you dog!" Tormund shook his head as he took a sip of his beer.

"Well, he is a dog so what did you expect?"

"Ha! Little Stark! Smart as always. Bobby B's a dog, aye, but does that mean I want to listen to him licking his girlfriend's tits all night? Tell me that!" He said challengingly, his eyebrows up and chin raised.

"I'm not 'little Stark'—", she said through clenched teeth

"Only because Bran's sitting in a chair!" he bellowed.

"—and 2nd, I don't know what the hells you like listening to!"

Turning towards the bar she hopped onto one of the stools and nodded to Tyrion and Viserys sitting side by side chuckling, probably at her and Tormund's little exchange.

Giving them an annoyed side glare, idiots, she turned around slightly to face the red-haired man. "Didn't expect you back this early. Is that good or bad news?"

"Good. Found it not too far off in the woods. Growling like a motherfucker though, had to sedate the poor thing. Must've taken some hits in that tumble down the hill. Had a few burns as well not too bad all things considered."

She remembered all too well the sound of the growling coming from the car as she had manoeuvred around the vehicle to get to the man. When the firefighters had managed to cut the lock to the crate open all she saw was a flash of white fur, and it was gone between the trees.

"Dr. Tyrell and Sansa was with him when I left."

Giving him a puzzled look he clarified, "Dr. Targaryen isn't expected back until tomorrow. Anyway, Dr. Tyrell says the dog should be back up and running in a jiffy." Giving her a reassuring smile he continued with a wistful look in his eyes, "Could swear it looked like a winter dog. Albino one at that. White as snow. Big gorgeous beast!" He ended with one of his signature big grins.

"Do winter dogs howl?" she asked while taking a sip of the soda Davos had placed before her.

"This one did that's what led me straight to him. Up North they do and the wolves will reply. Can keep you up all night with their howling banter", he laughed out loud and shaking his head as if remembering something. "We'll know for sure tomorrow when Dr. Stark comes."

"Dad's coming??", she asked perhaps a little too excited.

"Aye, Dr. Tyrell called him down for a consult to make sure. If it is a winter dog then he's more wolf than the huskies she's used to."

"Speaking of howling", Viserys interrupted and looked at Tyrion, "your sister was causing quite a ruckus this evening," he chuckled.

Sighing deeply Tyrion asked, "Do I even want to know what she did this time?"

"She kept yelling for more wine", Viserys laughed trying to immitate Cersei "More wine! MORE WINE! MOOOORREEEE WIIIINNNEEEE!!" Leaning back on the barstool, hand on his stomach laughing out loud he continued, "she almost couldn't sound more looney even if she tried!"

Everyone laughed out loud at that including, and especially, Tyrion.

"I swear rubber cells were invented for the likes of my sister."

"Tyrion!", she slapped him on his arm, "she may be crazy but she's still your sister."

"That's exactly why I say it! If set free she'd be a menace to society." He took a big gulp of his beer. "Speaking of menace, have I ever told you the story of the jackass, honeycomb and brothel?" he asked with a grin wiggling his eye brows.

Leaning closer to him with a big smile on her face she answered "Ooh do tell Mr. Lannister!"

"Well, I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel—"

He was interrupted when the pub door was ripped open and the voice of a furious woman yelled, "Hey! Watch where you're going fuckface!!"

Stepping through the door she practically threw her bag to the side as she stomped straight to the bar.

"Dany! Good to see you again, sis", Viserys leaned in to kiss her on the temple, "Flight catch some disturbance did it?" he chuckled.

"Oh if only it was the flight", she growled, "Davos, give me a shot of your Dothraki booze."

"As m'lady wishes", Davos poured a shot while exchanging a look with both Vis and Tyrion. "Here you go."

Dany put the glass to her mouth and threw her neck back taking it in one shot. Resulting in heavy coughing and wheezing. "Gods! I hate that stuff! Give me another one. Now, Davos!"

"Hey, why can't I have any of that by the way?", she suddenly asked pointing her index fingers at everyone's drinks.

"Because Arya," Gendry, having been quiet this entire time, said and raised his hand to point at the sign hanging at eye-level clearly saying '21', "you must be this high to ride this ride." Everyone around her laughed out loud with him. A smug look on his face indicating he was very pleased with himself.

"Fuck you! I'll be 21 in just a few months!"

"Few months isn't 21 today, sorry Arya", Davos said sympathetically.

"Whatever!" She left 5 dragons on the bar and jumped off the stool marching to the door.

Gendry called out to her, "A soda's only 4 dragons."

As she swung the door open she looked back and said, "Keep the change...you filthy animal!"

She heard a choir of laugher as the door closed behind her. What a shit day!

#joneryssecretsanta2018 #helloimnotawesome #jonerys #advent #christmas

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that-curly-haired-lesbian · 6 years

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Queer Analysis - The Moment I Knew

Hi gang! Boy, have I had a CRAZY (lowkey traumatizing) couple of days…I finally had a second to take a breath and this time my computer graciously decided to cooperate too, so here it is: The Moment I Knew: Queer Edition.

Since I was asked to analyze this song it has come to my attention that there’s no way it could be about Dianna (which I originally thought) since they met in September 2011 and Red came out on October 22nd, 2012 before they would’ve ever had time to temporarily break up causing Di to miss Taylor’s birthday. (x)

The only option would be Taylor’s 2011 birthday at which point I feel they would’ve been too new of a couple to inspire the song in question…Well, where does this leave us when looking at the song from a queer point of view?

My only conclusion is that it would have to be about a girl Taylor was involved with after Emily, but before Dianna. In other words during the years we don’t know much about dating-wise.

First off, Taylor has said the song is about her 21st birthday party which was “the worst experience ever” (x)

Her 21st birthday would’ve been in 2010, thus confirming the song can’t be about any of her known girlfriends (Emily, Dianna or Karlie) making this analysis a bit of a challenge, but I decided to give it a shot anyway. After all the purpose of analyses aren’t primarily to tell you which woman Taylor’s songs are about, but rather to look at her songs from a generally queer perspective and question the heteronormativity they appear to present at first glance…This is undoubtedly going to be quite a reach, but I’m going to try and argue that this song is about a failed attempt at coming out, not publicly, but perhaps to family and friends.

Shoutout to my bestest of friends @makeroomforlaferry who helped me realize this is a possible interpretation.

I just want to say before we start that I am in no way shaming people who do not have the courage to come out (especially publicly) that is scary business and no one should come out before they are ready or in any way be forced out of the closet, not by a partner or anyone else.

Also keep in mind that this is probably a HUGE reach and I’m not saying my theory is correct, it’s just a way to look at the song from a queer point of view that I feel makes sense.

Lyrics cred to AZLyrics as usual!

With that said, let’s take a look.

You should've been there,

Should've burst through the door,

With that 'baby I'm right here' smile,

And it would've felt like,

A million little shining stars had just aligned,

And I would've been so happy.

So in this first verse Taylor is lamenting the fact that her partner promised to come to her birthday party, but then they failed to show up. Taylor’s saying she would’ve been very happy had her lover just been there. How about the queer angle? What if there’s more to it, what if the couple had planned to come out at this party only for one of them to back out last second?

To me it sounds like a “baby I’m right here-smile” could be interoperated as a supportive smile, or as a small, reassuring way of letting Taylor know that her partner is there for her, in the impending, scary situation. The stars aligning alluding to Taylor being able to be brave and strong and get the words out since she knows her partner is there to back her up in what she’s about to say, making it easier and just generally a more positive (happy) experience.

Christmas lights glisten,

I've got my eye on the door,

Just waiting for you to walk in,

But the time is ticking,

People ask me how I've been

As I comb back through my memory,

How you said you'd be here,

You said you'd be here.

The Christmas lights indicate that this is in fact taking place at Taylor’s birthday party (her birthday is December 13th, so Christmas lights would most likely be up at that point in most households where Christmas is celebrated.)

The verse is pretty straight (gay) forward to me from this perspective, Taylor can’t focus on the party or the people she’s invited since she keeps glancing at the door, hoping her girlfriend will arrive so that they can do what they had planned and then hopefully enjoy the rest of the party with everyone present now being aware that they are an item. As Taylor absentmindedly makes small talk with her guests all she can think about is that tonight is the night and that her girl promised they’d do this together, she’s recalling pieces of their conversation where this was decided and clearly remembers her girlfriend saying she’d be at the party.

And it was like slow motion,

Standing there in my party dress,

In red lipstick,

With no one to impress

Taylor has now started to truly realize her date isn’t making an appearance and while from a heteronormative or literal standpoint the talk of clothes would appear as her being disappointed that the partner isn’t there to see how hot she looks, I also think there could be something more complex in the line.

I think it could also be a metaphor for getting all “dressed up” and ready, steeling yourself for the moment when you’re going to tell everyone around you who you truly are and come out of the closet. Now that the girlfriend won’t be there Taylor has done all of that preparation and psyched herself up to be brave enough to do this for nothing. There she stands, all ready to do the thing and say the words in the presence of everyone she cares about…

And they're all laughing,

As I'm looking around the room,

But there's one thing missing,

And that was the moment I knew.

Everyone else are having fun and enjoying the party, perhaps not even noticing how obviously distracted poor Taylor is. Like a deer in headlights she’s trying her very hardest to spot her girlfriend in the crowded room, perhaps she just missed when she walked through the door after all? Then it sinks in, the last and most important piece of the puzzle is nowhere to be found, no matter how ready Taylor is to do this, her girlfriend just isn’t and has decided the best way to handle the situation is to just not be there for it. Taylor now knows, she’s realized that she’ll have to break up with the girl as she clearly isn’t as ready as Taylor is to be open about their relationship to the people in their lives that matter. 😞

And the hours pass by,

Now I just wanna be alone,

But your close friends always seem to know

When there's something really wrong,

So they follow me down the hall

The party has been going for hours and now that Taylor has realized the most important part of her night won’t actually take place she’d just prefer for the party to end, but her friends have finally noticed that something isn’t quite right and when Taylor slips away to cry it out in the bathroom they all follow.

And there in the bathroom,

I try not to fall apart,

And the sinking feeling starts,

As I say hopelessly,

"He said he'd be here."

Only Taylor doesn’t want to tell them what’s wrong, because now that her support hasn’t showed up all the courage she spent hours/days/weeks beforehand gathering has just left her and she tries very hard to act as if whatever is wrong doesn’t matter. She’s suddenly scared (sinking feeling) of outing herself.

(Story time: I literally did this to my mom once, I was about to tell her I’m gay, but then last second after already saying “mom I have to tell you something” I chickened out and just went “nevermind!” and rushed out of the room, it was terrifying and I’d describe the ensuing feeling as quite sinking as I suddenly became deadly afraid to tell her and couldn’t get the damn words out for the life of me.)

Instead of rushing out though (since she’s trapped in the bathroom) Taylor decides to pretend she has a boyfriend who flaked on her. (also the heteronormative way to look at the song.) Or perhaps these are friends who actually know what’s going on (they are her closest friends after all so maybe they know all about her gayness?) and she hopelessly tells them the girlfriend didn’t show up on this big night when they were finally planning to tell everyone. Of course she calls the girl “he” in the song though, because #NoHomo and stuff…

(Chorus)

And they're all laughing,

And asking me about you,

But there was one thing missing,

And that was the moment I knew.

The reason I think she might’ve lied though and told them it was a boy is because then the friends start laughing an asking Taylor about the boy they’ve never heard about til now, they’re curious about who he might be. If they already knew the girlfriend and also knew her and Taylor were planning to come out that night why would they start laughing and asking (what I presume is) lighthearted questions about the partner they already knew?

Once again Taylor realizes that if her girlfriend isn’t actually ready to come out and has truly decided not to come they’ll have to break up.

What do you say

When tears are streaming down your face

In front of everyone you know?

And what do you do when the one

Who means the most to you

Is the one who didn't show?

Taylor’s now out of the bathroom (but sadly not the closet) but the tears won’t stop coming and since she’s now afraid of coming out she has no explanation for being so upset to give the rest of the probably very confused and alarmed guests. She can’t tell them the truth as she didn’t plan on coming out alone and she needs the extra support and her girlfriend’s hand to hold in order to do it and she doesn’t want to repeat the white lie about the boyfriend to everyone and deal with a million more questions…The planned come out was probably the only reason she threw this huge party and invited everyone, but the one who REALLY needed to be there for this to work (or “the one who means the most”) isn’t. Now what is she supposed to do?

You should've been here.

And I would've been so happy.

Had the girl just shown up Taylor would probably be feeling happy and relieved right about now as she’d just come out and told everyone she was in love, instead she’s just upset at her own birthday party… 💔💔

(Chorus)

And they're all standing around me singing

"Happy birthday to you",

But there was one thing missing,

And that was the moment I knew.

Ooh, I knew.

Ooh,

Despite Taylor being visibly upset and most people having no idea what’s so terribly wrong with the birthday girl the guests still try to take her mind off whatever it is by reminding her it’s her birthday and she should be happy…Sadly it isn’t quite that easy. Why? Because Taylor now knows she’ll have to end things with her partner no matter how much she likes her, they’re just not on the same page in their coming out journey.

You called me later,

And said, "I'm sorry, I didn't make it,"

And I said, "I'm sorry too,"

And that was the moment I knew.

The flake had the decency to call after the party and apologize for leaving Taylor hanging, Taylor apologized too, for breaking the girl’s heart, but that’s what she knew she had to do.

…Or you know, it isn’t that deep and the song could literally just be about an asshole of an ex-girlfriend who didn’t show up to Taylor’s birthday party despite promising to, thus prompting Taylor to realize they’d have to break up since this wasn’t the first time the girl broke a promise that meant a lot to Taylor. After all most of the song is gender-neutral so it COULD just be that simple 😊

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed despite this being a real reach. Tomorrow’s (yes, really, it WILL be up on time this time, i SWEAR!) analysis is Hey Stephen! If you want me to look at any other of Tay’s songs from a gay point of view let me know! 😊

#gaylor swift #swiftgron #kaylor #songs #queer analysis

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perrythetired · 6 years

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2017 ‘Best Happenings’ Tag

My best friend @petrareads made this tag and tagged me in it :D

“Every year on tumblr I see loads of posts about how sucky the year was - and you know sometimes they’re not wrong but I’m not going to forget the good things either.

Last year I made a post about some of the best things that happened to me that year and I’m going to make another one this year!

And I challenge you all to do the same (yes I’m making it a tag. If this is already a tag then I’m just going to go hide in a corner :)) (also I was inspired by @books-and-cookies post when she asked people to send her the best thing that happened to them that year so thank ya)

here we go!” - Petra

Okay so this year hasn’t exactly been the greatest for me as I moved out of a country that I lived in my whole life and into completely different one. I usually like change but this wasn’t the kind that I was looking for. It’s definitely been hard but this tag is a great way for me to put a positive spin on it :D

Let’s goooooooo!

January - I spent Christmas and the New Year in Hua Hin! This was the last time I was gonna be at this beach which was really weird for me because I had been going there at least twice a year since I was three. I played my ukulele and read Harry Potter by the beach. I had some super fun late night walks on the beach (because I hate walking on the beach during the day) and I rode around the city on a bike with my parents (we each had separate bikes just to clarify). Oh how I miss Hua Hin :’ )

February - February was mostly spent freaking out over my personal project (which I got a 6 on by the way so HAH @ people who said I wouldn’t make it) but in between all of that, I had tons of fun with my friends and classmates and I’m pretty sure this is the month where I accidentally came out like a million times to so many people. I have no idea why. (side note: I was still closeted)

March - I went on resi with my grade and had heaps of fun! I was lucky enough to share a room with my ENTIRE SQUAD and no one else :D Also for some reason, my anxiety levels skyrocketed and I was a nervous mess but I kept on trying to cover it up. Thanks to my amazing friends, every night turned into a group therapy session and we laughed and we cried and we dozed off and eventually fell asleep together :’) it was beautiful.

April - I went to India! Exploring this totally different culture was so interesting and I learned so much! Obviously, there were a lot of things I saw which greatly saddened me, but I also met and learned about so many people that really gave me hope for not only the parts of India that are suffering but for the future of the world. Also I performed at battle of the bands this month! Say whaaaaaat?! Shy Adriana with stage fright was no longer. I NAILED those bass lines, CRUSHED those vocals and KILLED those harmonies. Oh and I had a shit ton, no wait, a FUCK ton of fun :D

May - Imma be honest, this month was a blur. I vaguely remember screaming at my laptop, chugging coffee at midnight, oh and handing in an incomplete lab and still getting a 7 on it... how the fuck did that happen. ( I didn’t have a conclusion or evaluation... and yes I did ask the teacher to make sure I got the correct mark and he said yea sooooooo... I’m not complaining).

June - This month marked the end of my days as an MYP student and my days as a student at my old school. On the last day, I realized how much I had grown as a person in that school. I started off being alone, constantly feeling unwanted and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Now I have an amazing group of friends who make me feel like I belong somewhere and who help protect me from my own mind. I realized how many important relationships I had made with so many other students from all ages in my school and how we all helped each other out in different ways. As self-centered as this sounds, I realized that I actually mattered to people, which is something little Adriana would never have believed to be true.

July - July was mostly spent in Canada trying to set up some stuff in our new apartment and figuring out how to get around the city. I did have a lot of fun though! Lots of crying myself to sleep because it was finally hitting me that I was leaving Thailand forever and it would be a while before I saw my friends in person again! But there were still lots of fun times! (By fun times I mean eating and sleeping a lot).

August - This was the month where I was officially moving. It hurt like hell to leave behind the city I grew up in along with all my friends, but it also helped me realize how lucky I am. Living there was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I learned so many things that I wouldn’t learn anywhere else and had experiences that helped shape who I am today. My best memory from this month was having a sleepover with my best friends/saviours for the last time. Never did I ever imagine that I would make such amazing friends, so amazing that it would hurt so much to leave them. I am insanely lucky to have a friendship like that.

September - I had my first day of school which went pretty well! I went to Niagara Falls with my mom, my aunt, and my cousin! We went on the Maid of the Mist and got soaking wet! Then we got tickets to go see a play at Niagara on the Lake where the actors gave me a birthday shoutout mid-scene. :D Oh and I also went to the Terry Fox run that my school held and it was heaps of fun and before that, my new classmates invited me out for a birthday lunch and made my day :)

October - I came out to my mom! It did not go well at all! In fact, it was terrible! But I still did it! And I was incredibly hurt but also incredibly proud of myself because I am a total coward! I refuse to do anything that’s even the slightest bit risky! Yet I still did this! And it feels good to not be in the closet anymore! I also came out to the rest of my friends and that went super well :) And I came out to some of my classmates at school who were incredibly supportive (especially when I told them I was about to come out to my homophobic parents) and they did so many little things that just helped me so much throughout the entire process. They’re such great people :D I also dressed up as Ryuk from Deathnote for Halloween with my friend who dressed up as Misa. Oh and this was also the month where I went to my first BP debate tournament. It wasn’t great, I was super nervous and there was this dude from my grade who I never talk to and he was debating and I had to debate against him and he scares the shit out of me. I’ve never actually talked to him but he seems scary and my friend agrees. So apart from being scared shitless by the debate dude from our grade, getting CRUSHED by opponents and humiliated by judges, we made some awesome friends from other schools and we both suffered together which definitely made us closer.

November - It snowed this month! It was the first time I had seen snow since I was like eight! It was awesome. Okay so it didn’t really snow that much, there were just a couple of flurries but it was super fun. The day after it snowed I got together with my friend group at one of their houses up north and we had so much fun. We watched Tangled while stuffing our faces with ice cream, danced along to BTS (and other Kpop bands’) dance practices and to top it all off we went out for dinner by going through my friend’s backyard, trying not to tumble down a hill full of snow and leaves and branches, walked for a bit through a forest (it wasn’t really a forest, I don’t really know what to call it), tried not to fall while climbing up a hill, probably tresspassed and made our way into a subway to get some sandwiches. I also switched out of physics into history and realized that my TOK, Spanish and History teacher is actually the best person on this planet and has helped me SO MUCH through my rough patches this year.

December - Like Petra said, “December isn’t over yet!” But I did do some pretty cool things. I signed up to do hair and makeup for my school’s play, not really knowing what I was getting myself into (I just wanted CAS points) and I ended up realizing that I’m not half bad at doing makeup and I’m actually pretty good at doing hair. After three nights of doing hair and makeup, on the last night I was invited to the after party! This was the first party I had ever gone to! People got really drunk or really high, I managed to stay the sober and responsible one (along with a bunch of my friends) and I had heaps of fun dancing to Russian rave music while scarfing down a pizza and feeding chips to one of my drunk friends (yes I know that doesn’t really sound like fun but it was funny). And today it snowed! Like a lot! I’ve never ever been in so much snow in my life. It was amazing! So yea.

Despite going through a HUGE change this year, I still had fun :) There were still good things that happened to me. And if I hadn’t moved, I wouldn’t have met all the new amazing people I now have in my life.

I tag: @fantasymirror and @strangertae (hi strangertae! We don’t really know each other but this is a cool tag so yea :D )

#petrareads #2017 'Best Happenings' Tag #best happenings tag #2017

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ellalovertay · 4 years

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According to my birth certificate, I turn 18 this year. It's weird because I am now a legal adult and can do legal adult things… whoa. Through 18 years of my life I've had many ups and downs, mistakes and accomplishments and laughs and tears. So as my “kid” years come to an end and my adult years pave the path ahead of me, I thought I'd share some lessons I've learned before reaching 18. Because it's 2020 and sharing is caring.

I've learned (and am still working on) accepting that it is okay not to be okay. When people ask you “how are you doing” there is nothing wrong with the response of “I'm not doing so good.” I know how hard it can be to express honesty and feel vulnerable but that’s human emotion, it's good. There is nothing wrong with not being okay, and you are allowed to experience that, it shouldn't be something that is feared. Next time you feel like that, say, “I'm not fine right now but I am going to be fine soon.”

I found what makes me happy. Like not just a, “Oh yeah I’m great today” kind of feeling, but a lifelong happiness feeling. I've been writing songs since I was 9 years old and in the past 6 months, songwriting has been the only thing keeping me on my feet and putting a smile on my face. Lyrics from other artists (shoutout to Taylor Swift Selena Gomez and Halsey) have always spoken and resonated deeply with me. So when things in my life started going downhill, I wrote my own lyrics. I hope one day people will experience my lyrics and they will be able to help someone like they helped me.

Trust is important. In any type of relationship with friends, family, pets etc, trust is key. A lot has happened in my life recently. Over the course of 6 months I've completely lost my trust in everyone and everything. I'm slowly working on building it back up again and learning how I can trust... but that is easier said than done.

It's okay to be confused about what's going to happen in the future. I have changed what I want my job to be at LEAST 5 times since 9th grade. Some examples include a marine biologist, a BAU member in the FBI, a criminologist, and a neurologist. Of course all of these things strike interest in me and make me happy, but I can't see myself there in 10 years. I've learned music is important to me and I want to study song/lyric writing along with vocals and music industry in college, with hopes to become a singer/songwriter.

Halsey has KILLER music. I knew around 3 of her songs before her album “Manic” dropped. I stayed up for release, downloaded the whole thing, listened to it and fell in love. Then tour tickets dropped, I got early access and I bought them in english class. She is really phenomenal and I love her dearly.

Some people in life will backstab you, others will stand by your side. But true friends will talk sh!t about the backstabbers and want to kick their asses for you. I've found that person and I'm so glad that she is in my life. And for once in my whole life, I feel like I have a best friend who won't just drop me.

I’ve learned you don't owe anybody an explanation. If someone asks,” How are you” and you say, “Not good” you are not entitled to state why. That is for you and your mind to know. If your best friend asks “do you want to come over/” and you say “no” Guess what… you DON'T owe them an explanation as to why! Don't ever feel pressured to explain things to people about yourself or situations you're in.

I'm literally a spot on Libra. My star sign is SO COOL! Up until June I never cared about my sign or horoscope, but when I found out the Libra symbol was the “Scales of Justice…” I read up on some stuff. I was SHOCKED by how much I fit my sign. Example being: we get irritated when people ask us stupid questions... Like if that isn't me then what is???

Being 18 means I get to vote! With everything going on in the world right now i've taken to educating myself as much as possible before november. I'm undecided (edit: not anymore😆) and excited but scared.

When your parents say, “Don't talk to strangers online” don't listen. I've made some of my best friends online (through Taylor, omg shocker) and I don't know what I would do without them. So here's a toast to my real friends: Vivian, Ella, Emily, Jordan, Delaney, Megan, Shannon, Sophie, Lauren, Brooke, Addison, Lexi, Hayley, Ry, Mikayla, Liv, Meghan, Rachel, Kaylee, and so many more <3

I've learned that everything happens for a reason. When I got confirmed, the idea that “everything happens for a reason” really stuck with me. The belief only grew stronger after I attended Kairos in November 2019. I truly believe God has a plan and everything happening in my life is going to end up being a part of some greater, master plan. God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors and just know that the shadows can’t last forever. Storms help the flowers flourish, and afterwards comes a rainbow.

My mom is a warrior.

Taylor Swift. That's it. That's the tweet. Very long story short I’ve listened to Taylor since fearless in 2008. Thanks mom! In 2012, when “RED” came out, I memorized lyrics and wanted concert tickets. The same thing in 2014 with “1989.” It wasn't until “reputation” in 2017 that I understood the “fandom” and became a full on swiftie. Fun fact: I have a stan account on twitter, tumblr and instagram where her management team follows me! Taylor has helped me through so many hard times. Her and her music have made me laugh, smile, cry, and dance. She is one of the only constants in my life and she treats her fans like her best friends. I have made so many friends through her that I can't wait to meet. And one day, I will meet Taylor Swift.

I can play instruments! I learned the ukulele when I was 12 because Tess was learning guitar. I hated it. I felt so trapped and the instructor was sooo mean. I wanted to play chords and sing Taylor Swift. Nope. He had me playing strings to old folk music. Long story short I quit.About 2 years later i picked it back up from the depths of my closet and taught myself strings. I got bored and put it away. On july 25th 2019, I picked it back up and this time, I fell in love. I quickly learned chords and by september, I was writing my own music. I thought to myself, “guitar cant be that hard” so I went and took tessa's guitar. I hated it. It was way to big and my hands were far too small. Then, a few months later I tried again. No change. Quarantine was now here and I was bored out of my mind. So… guess what I did on March 19th 2020… learned guitar and fell in love. Now, I'll play until my fingers bleed. Guitar and Ukulele make me so happy and the moral of the story is that if at first you don't succeed, try and try again.

Karma is real. If someone does something sh!tty to you, it will come back to bite them in the butt. Trust me.

I am tiny. Sadly, I'm done growing and I've been done since 8th grade. I'm forever 5 foot ½ inch- the ½ is VERY important. Also my foot size is forever a 4. Basically it sucks. I can't find any shoes that aren't pink, sparkley, have a 1 inch heel and glow up. With that being said s/o to Nordstrom rack for carrying my size.

I've learned to take in every moment. You never know when you won't be able to do the simplest things. Everyday we take so many things for granted. So just let every second of everyday sink in and let it resonate with you because there will never be another moment like that one.

I learned that I am allowed to format my own opinions. The beliefs that I have and I value don't have to be the same as everyone else's beliefs: especially my family and friends. I have come to the realization that I view situations in a different light than those around me and it's 100% okay for me to speak my mind. As a young girl I am allowed to grow up and base my social, personal and political opinions on what I believe is right and wrong, not what other people push me to believe.

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