#shina ramblings

[shina913]

He went on live to remind me to whom I really belong to 🫠

#might play hooky and write #namjoon fueling the clownery #shina ramblings

[trashlie]

ILY FP 219 (or, The One That Went to the Top of My Favorites List)

Hehehe is that an enticing enough, non-spoiler preview for you? lol I want so badly to tell everyone WHY they should be sure to FP this episode, but I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. Not that I think knowing what’s in there will ruin it, but I think the impact of going into it without knowing is just SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL. It’s BEAUTIFUL okay? That’s why you should read it - it’s beautiful! 

Idk where to begin with this one!!!! Over 24 hours later, sorting out my emotions is still difficult because I just keep wanting to climb the walls and start shrieking lmao AAAAHHHHHHHH! 

Those of us who are patrons of quimchee’s got a little teaser for this episode - the first part was SUPPOSED to post with 218, and quimchee said that 213-219 are all supposed to be parts of one much, MUCH bigger episode, so you know, if you want to read them all together, there you go! But anyway, even getting a little teaser of it last week, this episode was still full of so much new, and even what we got to see still hit just as strong. UGH. LISTEN. 

When the music hit me and I realized what it was? As we kept scrolling and Shinae furtively snuck back in? I CRIED okay lmao I CRIED. How long has it been since Nol last celebrated his birthday? When was the last time someone made him feel special on this day? Because he sure hasn’t allowed himself to. He hasn’t spent a birthday with friends - I mean, hell, this is the first time he’s even HAD friends who mean anything - and after everything they’ve gone through, everything he put them through, to see them show up just meant SO MUCH to me. I had no doubts that Dieter and Soushi would come through for Nol, but I didn’t think we’d get to see it so soon, either. I was so concerned that there’d been no time for them to talk at the party, that Soushi’s first indication that Nol was even there at all was seeing him fall into a glass table! Finding him bleeding out in the snow. 

How harrowing it must have been for them - at least Shinae has gotten to talk to him a little, has a little more insight into who he is, why he did what he did. I’m sure, in time, Dieter and Soushi will come up to speed, whether through Shinae or Nol himself, but even now, even with them NOT knowing or understanding, I think it makes it even more special that they showed up. Nol has been there when they needed him, whether they wanted it or not. He always had their backs, had a way of making them feel like they were special, like they matter. And now they all got to do the same for him, to return that favor. As readers, we know that Nol began those relationships with no real intentions, never intending those friendships to become real, but they did, both ways. There was something about Soushi’s commentary that really did me in - about how he doesn’t have bullies coming around anymore and even if he did, he’s got a buddy whose got his back ;~; How he went from wanting to take help from no one to coming around to the weirdly insistent boy. 

I love, LOVE, LOVE how all of their gifts related to the beginnings of their relationships. Again, it’s something about how it began on false pretenses, but how it became real and came to mean something to all of them that just really gets to me! I don’t know how to articulate it, the feeling of these people who desperately needed someone, being able to be that to Nol, that even though he’s tried to push them away, to run away, even though they have no explanation for his behavior, they still are there for him when he desperately needs it. I kept waffling for a long time on whether I thought Nol was intending to ghost everyone after prison, going back and forth even as he and Shinae talked in Minhyuk’s room. “Is he telling her this because he doesn’t plan to stick around?” But especially after all of these hospital scenes, I feel pretty confident that’s not his plan. Just like Soushi and Shinae never really intended to accept Nol’s friendship and thought they were fine on their own, I think Nol may be having that moment for himself.

Or, rather, I think he’s at a crossroads and is at war with himself. On the one hand, he doesn’t believe he deserves any of this. The way he talks about his birthday is so SAD; Shinae is right, people don’t talk like that! Was it a difficult pregnancy that Nessa had with Nol? Did his birth cause her harm? Is it just the circumstances he feels guilty for? Maybe he believes she’d be okay if she’d never conceived him? Maybe it’s because of his relation to the Hiraharas? He talks about people stepping on the burger - that definitely feels like it’s about the Hirahraras, taking his existence and making him feel insignificant and wrong, like he shouldn’t exist. But it’s the way he talks about the mistreatment of the cow sent to the slaughterhouse. It sounds like that’s about his mom - which could be the most he’s ever said about her. If his birthday is the burger, then the cow that became the burger would be her, right? I still have so many questions, ngl. Nol clearly has a complicated relationship with the memory of his mother - we know his childhood, before they left home, were his happiest memories, but at the same time, he can’t speak of the happy memories, or really, her at all. I don’t think the guilt is simply that he exists, and there’s more to it, whether it’s misconstrued on his behalf or just more puzzle pieces we’re missing. 

At any rate, Nol carries a heavy weight of guilt and has denied himself any joy or happiness, has never allowed himself to ENJOY things, lest they go awry. Probably like with his mom, and like with Shinae, a connection with him seems to end in danger. Of course, that’s not true - people end up in danger because of their own choices, and the choices of those around them - but again, we are talking about the way Nol views himself and the world. I think this is a big thing, too, because I’ve been thinking a lot about identity and perception lately, but I’ll try to get to that in a moment. 

For so long, Nol has been content with his self-inflicted punishment, but then he accidentally made real friends along the way. His quest to help people went off track. And for a while, he tried to fix that. He pulled away, he stopped responding, he tried to completely and cleanly cut them off, he drew the line and let them know. But here they still stand after it all, and he can’t help but appreciate that. The way my stupid heart flipped when he hugged Dieter and Soushi and told him he loved him. That feels like the most genuine expression we’ve seen on him in a long time - and for him to be so forthright with them, to even use that word at all! This is what makes me feel certain he doesn’t intend to ghost them. Why would he tell them that if he planned to leave? Why would he accept and embrace their friendship if he didn’t want it? And that’s the thing, isn’t it? His internal war is his wants vs what he thinks he deserves. It’s the fear that he brings harm to people, but that DESPERATE LONGING for that closeness. 

Throughout ILY we’ve seen so many times Nol wanted to reach out and denied himself the opportunity, for whatever reason. Countless times he’s reached out to Shinae only to close his hand into a fist and restrain himself. All that loneliness is haunting. I think it’s around the time they went to the arcade that Nol knew these relationships were real, and it was the arrival of Yui that reminded him he can’t do this, he can’t let his guard down, he can’t indulge his desires like this. To have that taste for friendship, for what it feels like to just let go, to be around people who don’t spend all their time trying to tear you apart, to be around people who CHOOSE your company, who CHOOSE to be with you? And then to retreat? He tasted something so sweet but had to give it up.

And now, after everything he’s done, they still show up for him, they still sat by and watched over him, they still came to CELEBRATE him? How can he continue to deny himself this? How can he close his fist and walk away from it? 

But, and my god I realize this is a very verbose point lmao, the point I’m getting at is, in the same way that Soushi and Shinae refused his friendship, in the same way that they thought they were better off on their own, I think Nol is at that same crossroad - is he better off alone? How bad is it, if he indulges just a little? 

I hope he thinks long and hard about what Shinae said very early in the evening, too. Whether or not he believes he puts people in danger, it’s not his call to make. Friendship is a two-way road and they, also, deserve to make their choice, to choose him despite the danger. It wasn’t Nol that put Shinae in danger. Maybe in a convoluted way you could say so - she’d never have called on Kousuke for that favor he owed her for getting Nol to the hospital the night of the masquerade - but regardless, Yui acts on her own. I realize this is not easy for Nol to see, because of what a deep-seated belief this is, but I hope it’s something he’ll consider more and more. 

There’s so much I could write about the birthday party ALONE. How wonderful it was to see them all together again after all this time, the sweet callbacks to their beginnings demonstrating how far they’ve come, how much they mean to each other. Nol is SO loved, and I hope he learns to wear that love as a much needed suit of armor. What does it matter that his family is trash, when this, his found family, makes up for it in so many ways? What does it matter that some people chose to make him feel insignificant, when he has people who choose to celebrate him, and the fact that he’s in their lives? ;~; That little happy smile and blush he wears when Shinae pointedly tells him they want to spend this night making him feel special ;~; It fucks me up lmao like lakjfkjafkjaf I’M GETTING WEEPY WRITING THIS ALL OVER AGAIN LMAO 

NOL DESERVES TO BE CELEBRATED. HE DESERVES TO FEEL SPECIAL. He came into their lives and individually made them all better. There’s an argument to be made that it was Kousuke’s financing that made Soushi’s life better, but we know that HE chooses Nol. That his companionship with Nol makes his life better. If not for Nol, where would they even be? He deserves to be celebrated because he’s brought so much good into other lives! And he deserves a return of that, too. All the good he tried to put into the world to counter the guilt he wears, all the good he denied himself and thus brought to others. GOD. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ;~; I LOVE THEM, I LOVE THIS GANG I hope in the future we get to see more of them, now that we know how close their bond is, how much they mean to each other ;~; 

DIETER’S ORIGAMI DUCKIES AND THE LITTLE BIRTHDAY MESSAGES! THE CALLBACK TO NOL AND THEIR MORNING RUNS AND THE STILLNESS OF THE WATER AND THE DUCKIES ;~; Apologizing that these aren’t the best presents, that there’s no cake, but aren’t they? Isn’t this the best? There’s something about people spending their time and energy to create something for you that REALLY gets to me. Every time a friend hand-makes something for me, I just cry and cry lmao. Maybe origami duckies and happy birtday on a cake isn’t a lot of effort - but the point is that they TRIED. That at the last minute, they came up with something to try to return the kind of friend he’s been to them. They ARE the perfect gifts. What else could he possibly need more than to know that he is important to them and means so much? 

AND THAT WAY HE LOOKS OVER AT SHINAE, THE WAY SHE QUICKLY LOOKS AWAY, THE FLUSTERING, THE LITTLE BUTTERFLIES WE FEEL ON HER BEHALF!!!!! AUGH. 

I find it so cute and funny that Shinae was too shy to give Nol her gift at the same time, feeling that it paled in comparison to Dieter’s duckies, but personally, I think it’s right on par. Just like their messages, Shinae’s gift harkens back to the earliest days of her friendship with Nol, the orange soda she spilled on him, the fear he’s allergic to oranges lol, what she drew on his face the day following at that deli lol “You don’t suck that much” All the way back in episode 4, she told him “You’re a human first. And humans suck.” WHAT A CALLBACK!!!!!!!! Idk like, to me here gift was so on par, but also, it’s something that conveys a sense of feelings and being who she is, I don’t blame her for feeling a little shy about it.

ESPECIALLY COS MY GOD THERE’S SO MUCH SHYNESS IN THIS EPISODE MY GOD!!!!!!!! 

It’s been long established that I am here for the soft shit, the tender shit, for little stolen moments laced with intimacy, stolen little moments of calm in an otherwise turbulent storm. IT’S MY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! Dieter and Soushi on the spare bed in the room, while Shinae lays her head again on Nol’s bed, the both of them refusing to sleep. Shinae probably fears that he’ll disappear if she sleeps, that he’ll slip through her fingers; Nol probably worries that when he wakes this will be over, the calm, the good feelings. There’s something so TENDER about them trying to delay the inevitable, to stretch the last remining time. And, again, with Dieter and Soushi sleeping (god I hope Dieter is sleeping), everything that follows just feels again like a little stolen moment, just like every other moment they share together. 

The shift in Nol and Shinae’s relationship dynamic is practically palpable. How many times has she gotten flustered over his gaze this night? How many times has she been unable to hold that gaze?! I’m a sucker for this! There’s likely a number of reasons that have brought this reaction out of it. It reminds me a lot of episodes 117 and 118 with the nugget crushing hand holding and the shared music moment - how Shinae marveled over her hands afterward, how she had to go lmao hold Minhyuk’s hand to feel it out. That, and the little flashback snippet of Nol doing her make up at the formal seem to be the times that Shinae has been most affected by Nol, and I think in a lot of ways they resonate with the version of him she knows now. But that’s the other thing. She knows more than Dieter and Soushi do and through that, she’s aware of that significance and I think it’s absolutely affected her. They’ve been so incredibly vulnerable with each other all evening - Shinae being so uncharacteristic and saying so many heartfelt, sentimental things in effort to reach Nol, sharing her story about middle school, the reveal about Alyssa, the little things he’s let slip about his family dynamic. Shinae is already seeing him in a new light, and so much of it is just raw and she’s yet to have a moment to really sit down and take in everything. But also, the GLANCES, his INTENSE expressions. 

I was talking to someone on reddit about this but the thing is - this isn’t Shinae’s first meeting with Nol like this. In so many of their shared moments, this is the person he’s been, letting down his goofy mask, talking seriously with her. The break in at her apartment, the phone call after his family dinner, the scene at the wac, the breakdown on the hospital terrace, the time he gave her his extra taco. Though not as raw as this Nol, the edges softened and blurred more than he is now, she’s come face to face with this iteration of him. It’s the intensity that is so new. And lmao that intensity is what makes him so alike Rand, who made Shinae quiver LMAOOOOOO it’s so funny that this is finally catching up to her, that their appearance is finally frazzling her. But I think it’s a culmination of all of this. There’s an awareness at the tip of her tongue that she’s yet to voice, yet to confront, but she’s certainly acting on it. The stolen glances, the flustered glances away, the way she is so WHOLLY affected. 

It’s only just earlier this week, as far as the timeline goes, that Shiane realized HOW important Nol is to her, HOW scared she is of losing him, how much he means to her. Dieter used the l-word! It’s not a casual friendship. And his significance to her seems to dance along the border between platonic and romance - you can be significant to someone without it being romantic, you can be a person someone doesn’t want to lose without it being romantic. But SHE has to find that significance, she has to figure that out. All this shyness and flustering - is it the newness of this side of Nol, of all this vulnerability shared between them, or is it something more in the ways they bring comfort to each other, the ways they seem to stabilize each others’ world. I don’t think we’ve seen it demonstrated as strongly as we have with Nol, how Shinae’s presence and can center Nol and root him in the present, but I think we’ve seen a few instances of Nol being the same for her. 

This is one of those things about love and romance and friendship that fascinates me. At what point IS it romance? At what point does that friendship turn into “I want more of this I need more of this”? You can receive comfort from so many people, so at what point does it become something romantic?

And I think that’s what Shinae and Nol are toeing. Nol, certainly, is becoming more aware of that affect she has on him, the way she roots him to the present, the way she brings him much needed peace. Does Shinae realize yet the way she seeks him out? Does she realize how much peace she’s also gotten from him? 

And it seems so mutual, the way Nol gives in and indulges in the peace, the way he initiates these little moments of physicality. And it could absolutely be nothing, it could absolutely be just a casual touch amongst friends, except it’s them, and she’s flustered and looking away, and the butterflies seem to dance off the page. It’s the way he looks from her gift, loaded with what began their friendship what brought them into each other’s lives, and looks over at her trying to drown out his reaction, too embarrassed (TOO SHY!!!!!!) to see, that eyeless frame (QUIMCHEE DOES THIS SO MUCH! SO OFTEN! WHEN SHIELDING NOL’S FEELINGS!!!!!!) when he reaches over with his fingers in her hair.

HE DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THAT. HE COULD JUST TAP HER SHOULDER. HE COULD JUST SCOOT NEARER. BUT HE DOESN’T. IT’S HIS FINGERS IN HER HAIR, NEAR THE SCAR THAT PUT HER INTO DEFENSE MODE except she’s not, and he’s there, and she can’t look directly at him and he moves in close and it’s so INTIMATE it’s so TENDER it’s like the earbuds sharing moment except somehow even MORE because now she’s aware, NOW the fluttering is there, the stolen glances, the close proximity, the way he relaxes when he’s close to her, the way he is being so much MORE than he’s been before. 

His tapping finger and that coy, flirty, finger dancing?! The way she glances away as her finger dances towards him, on some level aware of what it means what it is a little too shy too coy, he way he hesitantly joins in and it’s something so SILLY so GOOFY such a light, light moment and GOD it’s beautifully done? You can FEEL the flirtiness of it, you can FEEL the little butterflies, the shyness and hesitation. The way Nol’s smile fades and he becomes serious before his finger hooks around hers, the way she thinks he’s playing until she, too, realizes, he’s not UGH. /UGH/ I SCREAM!!!!!!! How is it that a single finger hooked around another makes me scale the walls like this?! It’s such a small thing, but it’s so BOLD, initiating a dance even though he must be in pain! His back?! His body?! He’s not even on morphine ;~; He’s just. ENDURING IT. 

And idk, I never know what’s going through his mind. The dance she offered him that they never got to share. Something more significant than fingers dancing, something that means MORE. 

And again, that’s the thing. I think he’s so at war with himself. He’s still calling her Yoo, but he’s touching and so close and initiating that dance and he can tell himself it doesn’t mean anything, but he already knows. He already figured that out last episode. Soon he’ll be gone and he’ll be away from the people he loves, all alone again, and he’s scared to go. He still can’t bring himself to use her name, he can’t be so familiar with her - and yet is this not a more familiar way of being? I feel like part of is is that feeling of how fleeting this moment is, wanting to capture as much of it as possible, finally acting on what he wants. All those times he’s reached out only to close his fist, and this time he isn’t hesitating, this time he isn’t denying himself. This is what he wants, so he goes for it. 

Will he regret it? I hope he’s far enough beyond his point of no return that he can’t. I hope he’s acting out of clarity that if this is the case, if this is how he feels, then why shouldn’t he allow himself this. Perhaps there’s fear that when he comes back it will all be different, that this will be a fleeting dream and everyone will move on without him. It feels like the cusp of a dream and reality, where you allow yourself to indulge because soon you return to the real world, to the waking nightmare of reality and this will be all you have left to carry with you. 

It feels even more likely when he crumbles when she mentions when he returns. Perhaps it could be that he DOES intend to never come back after he releases, but idk, I guess I’m just so hopeful that’s not the case? It could be a parallel to the hug in the rain, when she asked if any of it was real and he hugged her because it wasn’t until it was and he couldn’t bear to say so. But it also feels so much like he’s afraid. The way he buries his head in her shoulder, his face hidden so she can’t see his emotions, their hands still held at their side feels so much like he’s afraid and doesn’t want to say so, wants to put on a brave face but he can’t. “When he returns” because for a time he will be away and he just had the sweetest taste of calm and when he wakes up from this dream the waking nightmare resumes, he’ll again be all alone and it’s so much harder to go back to alone when you’ve had a taste for this, when you’ve indulged. How can he go back to before, how can he face this new stage alone? 

It’s such a sad little scene, the way they’re standing together, another dance interrupted, but at the same time, there’s something sweet. Very bittersweet, I guess. Maybe it’s just because he’s too weary and hasn’t had it in him to put up the walls again, but to see him, yet again, seeking that comfort in her, allowing himself something he once would have denied himself. Allowing himself to feel his feelings and to comfort himself. 

There’s just so much that is beautiful and painful about this episode. For this to be the first time he’s felt peaceful and calm and he nearly died in order to have this moment? The knowing that he will have to leave, that he’ll have to return to feeling small and insignificant, that he has to face a new fear when he goes to prison, when this little suspended moment in time is all over. While I personally think - or hope - we’ll get to see a positive transformation from Nol while he’s locked up, thanks to the counseling he’ll be going through, it’s still hard to watch him have to leave this. I don’t want to romanticize his sentence by any means lol but I do think being away from his family, away from the people who chip away at him and tear him down, can give him so peace to confront what he hasn’t been able to. I don’t think it will be a total transformation of any kind - just the necessary first steps. Nol needs to be away from the Hiraharas, and to learn to see the worth in himself.��

I mentioned this earlier in this post, but I’ve been thinking a LOT about perception of self, and how others see us. For instance, the version of me that I intimately know, that exists to me, doesn’t necessarily exist to others. Likewise, there are people who will see me in very different ways than I see myself, and it’s not that they don’t know me well, it’s just that we all are different people to everyone we know. We’re multifaceted and shaped by our experiences, but also by our actions and how we’ve affected the people with whom we interact. 

Nol sees himself as a villain, as a monster, as someone who needs to be punished. But that’s not the version of him that Shinae knows, or Dieter or Soushi, either. To them, he’s a hero, he’s someone who does good. Shinae described him as the sun and while I think that’s partly because of his bright smile and bubbly personality as Yeonggi, I think it’s also in the way that he can make things a little better for everyone. Nol has never been able to see himself the way others see him, though, because he’s so pre-occupied with the version of himself he knows, the one that’s been so heavily influenced by the Hiraharas. That he’s a mistake, that he shouldn’t exist, that everything would be better without him. And because he can’t see those versions of himself, he can’t see that it’s not true. Shinae certainly wouldn’t be better off without him, nor would Soushi or Dieter. BECAUSE he’s in their lives, they are better off. And that’s what he needs to learn to see, to reconcile with the version of him that exists. Because sure, that’s part of him. Maybe it’s not correct, but it’s a part of his identity. But so is the version of him that exists to his friends. So is the version of him that Nana loves. And obviously, it’s not so easy to wake up to those sides, because of how overwhelming this version of him is. But I hope that time away from the people who feed into that image, with some counseling might help him start to clear that away and better see himself for who he is, all the multitudes that he is. 

Because here’s the thing - people contain a range of good and bad, that’s what makes us human. Our choices ultimately define that, but so do our circumstances. This is why I can offer empathy towards characters like Kousuke and Alyssa who have made choices that we wouldn’t consider right, but make sense for their circumstances. Nol contains so much darkness, but he also contains so much light. Maybe he’s not as radiant as Yeonggi - but maybe it’s only because he hasn’t had the chance to be. Who could he be with a break from the people who tear him apart? Who could he be away from their influence? That’s what I’m keen to see, and that’s why I think he’s not intending to leave everyone after prison - or at least not GHOST people. Maybe he does need to get physically away, go to college abroad, but that doesn’t mean he’d be abandoning his friends this time. 

Nol’s real family sucks. But this family - his found family - they can bring him the joy and happiness he deserves, even before he thinks he deserves it. Again, maybe I’m just being really hopeful, but I just feel like this is a significant, defining moment for him, hopefully the beginning of him realizing he’s allowed to indulge, he’s allowed the same comfort he’s offered to others. 

Gosh what a tangent lol I know this post would be a mess. I JUST. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS. I have sooooooo many disorganized feelings seeing Nol like this, how sad I feel how happy I feel how much my stupid heart pitter patters over his interactions with Shinae. The callback to the dance at the formal where she was so uncomfortable (BUT NOW! NOW! SHE’S NOT!!!!!!) the teasing about her dancing, and he WILL miss her. HE’LL MISS HER! UGH /GOD/ 

But boy do I hope Dieter is fast asleep lmao ;~; I don’t think Shinae or Nol are ready to face what is unfolding, but Dieter reads them so well, he’s aware of things before they are. He knows what he is, for lack of better word “competing” against, and I think maybe he even knows it’s a losing battle. He made his move and she turned him down and I think he’s accepted her friendship with grace and delight - getting to know her better, getting to grow closer to her than he ever thought. And god, isn’t it painful to watch her and know that she seems to be drawn somewhere else, that it’s nothing you can do anything about? Because Dieter loves Nol, too. He probably understands how someone would be drawn to him at all! And while I think Dieter is a character who would handle things with grace, it would still hurt. I don’t think Shinae and Nol are a thing that, if they ever happen, would do so any time soon, and by that time I like to think Dieter would be over Shinae in that way, that they’d be close friends still, that they’d be people who root for each other and want the best for each other. But for him to have that awareness NOW, ugh the pain. He’s already taken note of the way she is with Nol vs how she is with him, the way she was so overwrought when they found out about all the secrets and lies, when they found her crying in the rain. 

I DON’T WANT HIM TO GO THROUGH THAT DAMNIT ;A; 

But we are definitely at this point where it’s a little too obvious to deny, a little too obvious to look away from. Any attempt at earning Shinae’s affection feels like you’re competing with something else. Even if she’s not ready to face it and admit it yet, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. Whether or not it’s romantic or not is for her to decide, but for us as readers, we know that it’s something significant, that they have a mutual effect on each other that’s undeniable. There is so much trust shared between them now - despite it all, she trusts him, and he knows now that he can trust and rely on her, too. And as an outsider, it’s just obvious that something is there, however that something is defined. It’s not a stretch to say that Nol takes a priority, that she will at this point push things aside for him. 

Even romance aside, I think this is a dynamic we’ll be seeing a lot of going forward, because Nol still is not fast to open up to people and to rely on them. Trusting Shinae like this, letting her in to this more vulnerable side, I think defines a lot of their relationship to come as they evolve. Maybe Nol will leave and go abroad and maybe Shinae will date other people in that time, but I think we’ll see that Nol maintains a special place in her heart, that will be difficult for a lot of people to compare to. How do you compare to someone who has these experiences with her, who has developed a bond through these trials and tribulations lol? 

GOD. 

I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I JUST. WANNA!!!!!!!! SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #ILY Spoilers #ILY FP #Shinae Yoo #Nol #Nolan Oliver T. Lochain #Stalkyoo #Aegi #gotta.... keep other things from the tags for now so i don't SPOIL huhuhhu #i'll try to remember to add them in a month LMAO #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #/AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA/ #FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #Idk if this post is too rambly or if it's coherent or what #it's like 4 a.m. and i've been rambling on this for like 2 hours trying to get it all out and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #pls pls PLS feel free to respond in the comments since i've marked this for spoilers lol I JUST. WANNA YELL #and also i'm v curious to hear other peoples' thoughts on certain things in here i wanna know if you agree with my expectations/hopes #I feel like i'll be expanding on some thoughts in here at another time but also for now I'VE JUST TRIED TO WORD VOMIT EVERYTHING OUT #so many soft and tender feelings #a little sad a little wistful a little bittersweet #but mostly just so much hope #what a truly truly beautiful episode #definitely read it with the sound on because the music just punctuates PERFECTLY the tone is just SO RIGHT because of it #;~; #now i'm gonna go cry again LMAO #ILY Commentary

[shinakazami1]

Cute Fernator AU detail

I'm still quite unwell health wise so responses to comments and asks will take a while :( But thought I would share a silly Fernator detail in turn

In Good Pathway, Fernator often makes Stanley flower crowns. But, he also lets Stanley make him some. He not only lets Stanley create - but gives a part of himself to do so.

Stanley sometimes picks the flowers, and sometimes Fernie does. Sometimes Stanley chooses different flowers and Narrator just a bit bends the logic, just so the crowns would work and the stems would stick together.

And then Stanley puts it on a stalk, sometimes over the bucket, maybe of vine or even on his head if Fernator already put another flower crown

Stanley says it's like stacking love :]

#tsp #the stanley parable #fernator au #tspud #they're just gay ok #stanarrator #my rambling #my ramblings #i don't remember if the tag has s or not #future shina pls check #present shina take care of yourself

[tagetes-erecta]

Aha! Ralph’s been teaching me how to swear!

Fuck! Shit! B

Apologies, I am trying to correct this.

-笈腑

#ripo rambles #shina’s memento

[rubystims]

AHH OKAY!! before i forget again since i’m watching it rn !!

who’s your favorite nanbaka character!!! i really love nico, he’s just like me frfr. .. and SEITAROUUU I LOVE HIm hes so baby girl i Want him 😢😢

i’ve come to realize i really like yassifed men in anime LMAOO /HJ i love how there’s glitter and sparkles in every episode pfff also i feel like, nanbaka has a really serious/ intense like situation ? i think that’s the right word but it’s so enjoyable because of how silly the characters are and just being goofy despite how serious things are/can be like backstory type stuff yknow? the correct word is like legit on the tip of my tongue 😭 ,,

RAHH sorry for rambling LOL it’s just exciting remembering someone knows abt nanbaka 😭 !! ‼️‼️

bunni says the following:

My favorites are Hina, Seitarou, Nina, Mina, Shina and Nile, OH AND HITOSHI I LOVE HIM REALLY I DO, HE'S MY FAVORITE!!!

i love Nijimasu Nanairo as well!! i do not know the franchise as much as she does so i wouldn't know much i am sorry JKSDNFJK i just like the character designs when they dont hurt my eyes also it is ok to ramble!!!! we do not mind at all :D rambling welcome here !!!!!!!!!!

#vannysgirlfriend #ruby talks #ask

[nerice]

coming in with some fresh ocs now that I can look at your site! 🕰️for garvith, 🤕 for shina, 💀 for noah

aaaaaa hello yes!! new oc info coming up i definitely drifted a little in these replies since i wna do justice introducing these guys to you :D!! as always u have impeccable skill in choosing ask game questions<3

🕰️ has there been an event that happened in your OCs past that affects their future or one that they think about still? is this a bad event or a good one? what are a few of their childhood memories they can recall?

extremely :D! abt this one bc it is so so vital to his existence!!! garvith is infact the other half of reina's soul (as in, resulting from the very soul split that broke the entire verse) the original ruler they were split her soul resulting in reina (who retained the original's name and appearance) and garvith, who took the form of a giant white feathered serpent, who didn't take a proper name until a bit later due to nerice getting nuked as consequence n there not having been a lot of time for identity-finding during that mess. immediate post-split reina/garvith is vry fun because they're essentially identical persons(serpents) who share a consciousness soup until they diverge into vastly different personalities over the following centuries of war :3!!! as such garvith's 'childhood memories' are exactly the same as reina's bc they were the same being up to the soul split, which definitely wins out on Important Event He Keeps Thinking About That Shaped His Future like. i do have to stress it's not that garvith is a split-off part of reina but that both reina&garvith as they exist now are divergent paths of the singular true ruler they were before the split!! i love going on endless meta on which aspects of og!reina each of them retained/are expressions of, it's soooo interesting!!!! but a ramble for a different time bc length! :D

plugging the reina/garvith aes tag here tho it's one of my favs <3

🤕 what is the worst injury your OC has ever suffered? do they have any scars or lasting physical reminders of it? do they get sick often or have any lasting medical conditions?

ohboy!!! shina is the lifesong user of lhnh generation making her everyone's favourite field medic (evil) the drawback being that to heal someone she essentially transfers their injuries to herself >:3 she's racked up an impressive scar count that easily beats out gray's habitual mutilation games to the point where there's not many places on her body that are unscarred. her worst scar(s) are the result of trying to save as many people as possible in the aftermath of one of azra's surprise attacks until the lifesong shut down on her (yay for parasitic power that wants to keep its host alive) & to her credit, with experience she learns to mitigate the damage she incurs by diverting e.g. one large injury in many smaller, less severe ones, so long as the total life force given balances out it works! descendant resilience keeps her from suffering too hard a long-term damage (everything heals eventually) also just general unrelated but vital fun fact im tacking on at the end: she absolutely fucking hates descendants and her war duty and while she will not let anyone die she is also always a second away from murdering people in cold blood, has stopped hearts in sincere threat, and despises reina with a passion. shina's only buddy is a guy by the name of irias who also keeps a pet blood demon which further dampens how much dmg she has to take for her job where she can just infuse its generated blood with her life force to heal people and then pass the fuck out. she's a lot

💀 has your OC ever lost anyone to death? multiple people? people close to them? how does the loss make them feel?

FUNNILY ENOUGH noah has never lost anyone to death (not on main anyway. avery dies a couple times, but that's Complicated lol) HOWEVER noah is notoriously unlucky in just. getting fucking betrayed to the point of the other person being dead to him/having to kill them which is just. extremely tragic how it keeps happening im laughing (crying) rn fucking f. heres an abridged list:

damia whom he technically betrays first when he allies with reina and leaves damia stuck at the bottom of the ocean. they have a cute deathmatch abt it in dream game

maheloas switches to azra's side and noah spends much of the rest of the war hunting him down/keeping him in check during battles

garvith, who ultimately flees the war during a critical encounter with azra (which also almost kills reina. oops) & that fucks noah up even more since he n garvith were kind of an item (in their own dragon/serpent way. advanced qpr)

noah's entire fucking drama revolves around a self-sustaining cycle of toxic loyalty and betrayal (where his own betrayal of damia is at the core) and he copes with what he did thru his unwavering loyalty to reina to his own and everyone else's detriment h.

-

these were very fun so if anyone wants to send me more!! pls!!!! (oc page linked in description etc) uwwwwwu

#im very excited that u picked a selection of ocs that have smth going on that id think might interest u :D #makes me proud that i might have somewhat conveyed everyones vibes on the oc page ww #long post / #i guess but thats par for the course in #oc asks #askbox #xivu-arath #also i love that i got to dunk on gray unprompted halfway thru this. on brand <3

[noayuusukki]

Didn’t Know

So, I was gonna continue writing a different fic, but then this one popped into my mind- so I’m writing this one

Female pronouns, some angst, children, a little bit of cussing, and I think that’s it. Reader is the same age at Benimura

I honestly don’t know what to call this, it’s just rambling so~

Update: pt 2 now available

[Shinmon Benimura]

—————-

When you found yourself in need of a sudden babysitter on a Saturday, you knew there was only one person who Might be able to help. You had just moved to Tokyo and didn’t know many people, but the only person you knew in Tokyo was a busy man- and it had be years since you had a proper conversation with him. But he was your only hope right now.

“Please, Akitaru, I was suddenly called in and I don’t have anyone to watch her!” You beg, standing in front of Company 8′s cathedral with a toddler in your arms. Obi only looked at the young woman before smiling

“I know Hinawa won’t want her in the office, saying that it would be “unprofessional”, but you know I can’t bring her to my office, please.” Obi sighed, running a hand over his face like he had to think it over. When in reality, he had already made the decision the moment you asked.

“I’ll take care of Suna for the day,” Obi called your name before repeating his statement, stopping the mother in her tracks. Extending his large arms out toward the small child.

“Thank you so much Akitaru, and if you have to leave then put her some where safe for the time you’re gone or call someone from a different company to watch her.” Handing the baby bag and Suna over to Obi with out any complaints, you looked at your watch and feel panic run through you.

“I have you go now or I’ll be late, Suna be good for Uncle Obi and his team!” You yelled before sprinting away. Obi smiled at your retreating figure before looking at the red crossed girl snuggling into his neck, he knew that you wouldn’t have asked him to watch your daughter unless you really needed him to. Chuckling to himself, he patted the girls head a few times before smiling down at her.

“Come on Suna, let’s go see the others.”

~

“Captain, why do you have a toddler?” Shinra asked when he saw Obi enter their little office, Obi smiled and lightly tickled her side.

“This is Suna, her mom is an old fire fighter friend of mine. She go called into work suddenly and asked me to watch her.” Swinging Suna around a bit, causing her to laugh. His smile grew once she started to laugh, Shinra’s question already caused the others to look at their captain, but the sound of a child’s laughter caught their attention again.

“Captain, don’t you have a meeting today with Captain Hibana, Lieutenant Konro, and Lieutenant Karim?” Obi’s face dropped a bit when Hinawa reminded him of the meeting. Sighing he nodded.

“I do, which means one of you will have to watch Suna for me while the meeting is going on.” Maki had volunteered to watch her, but was quickly shut down when Hinawa offered. Telling her that “she can barely take care of herself, how is she suppose to care for a toddler”- more or less.

*

Knocking on the door, Hinawa quietly snuck his way into the meeting Obi was having with Karim, Hibana, Konro, and Benimura. Who was forced to come by Konro. 

“What do you need Hinawa?” Hinawa was about to reply, but was cut off when a bang was heard against the door, followed by small giggles. Hinawa took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose- only guessing who was “watching” Suna now.

“I take my eyes off her for 1 minute...” The door squeaked open and in wondered a black hair, red eyed toddler was a wide smile on her face.

“I made Shina and Awfer go boom!” She said while making explosion gestures with he small chubby hands. Konro, Karim, and Obi smiled at the cute gesture while Benimura, Hibana, and Hinawa remained stoic. Suna’s smiled never fell from her face, even when Hinawa was face to face with her.

“Did they do anything to you?” Suna shook her head, that made Benimura slightly smile.

“They were starting to yell at each ader, and mommy says that you shouldn’t yell at others.” Suna nodded a little after her sentence. Hinawa sighed and ruffled her hair before picking her up.

“I was going to ask you if Suna is allergic to anything so I could make her lunch.”

“She gave me a bag before she left Suna here, there’s probably some food in there.” Hinawa nodded turning to leave the room, having Suna wave over Hinawa’s shoulder as they left. Konro lightly chuckled at the toddler, but he couldn’t help but think that the child looked like someone he knew.

“Sorry about that, a friend of mine needed me to watch her last minute. Any way, where were we?”

*

“She has third generation abilities? How did she even find that out?!” Maki asked, her eyes wide, sure you were a second generation like Maki and Hinawa. But the fact that your child already knew they had powers surprised her. Obi had just walked into the lounge with Konro and Benimura, speaking about something random.

Obi chuckled in response while picking Suna up in her arms, “She left her alone for a few seconds and came back to the table on fire. Luckily her abilities are similar to yours, Maki, so she was able to put them out before they spread.” Obi lightly tickled her stomach, causing the toddler to laugh once more. 

“Suna, do you think you could find Shinra?”

“Captain Obi, I don’t think letting a toddler to wander the station alone-”

“Just watch, Hinawa, we’ll be following her” he said, trying to reassure the Lieutenant, “do you think you could find him, Suna?” The toddler puffed out her cheeks and nodded, balling her tiny hands into fist before she was set down and free to run around. 

Once she felt that she wasn’t going to be picked up again, she moved away from the little group of adults and softly huffed. Her eyes suddenly shined red before she started running, or trotting, towards the stairs. The adults- even Benimura- were following the toddler, Hinawa was about to pick up the child but Obi stopped him. Watching her climb the stairs up to the roof.

“Here!” She yelled once she was at the top of the stairs, pointing to the roof door. The others looked between them, brows raised and slowly following her and pushing the door open to reveal Shinra, Iris, and Tamaki eating lunch.

The others looked between them, curious as to how Suna could do that at such a young age.

“Suna,” Maki asked, crouching down to Suna’s eye level, “can you explain to us how you did that?” Suna looked back at them, nodding as she started to explain how she found Shinra. To her, it made sense, but to the adults- they were lost.

“Heat sensor,” You said while coming up behind them. “Hi baby,” You picked up Suna and tickled her. You explained how she can sense heat, and if it’s at a certain degree, can set whatever that is on fire. Or she could use it to find someone, but while your doing that- Benimura and Konro only stared at you.

“I thought you had work?” Obi asked as you put Suna back on the ground, her running to where Shinra, Iris, and Tamaki were.

“I took an early lunch to check up on my daughter. Just because she can talk and walk doesn’t mean a mother doesn’t worry.” You said before looking at your watch, “I already ate, and I have about 10 minutes left so I have to leave now.” You quickly bid goodbye before going back downstairs.

“Who was that?” Konro asked once you were out of ear shot. Obi called out to Suna and she quickly came running back to the adults.

“That was Y/N L/N, I’ve known her for a while but she only moved back to Tokyo a few years ago.” Suna snuggled into Obi’s neck, mumbling a small ‘tired’. “Hinawa knows a bit, so any other questions you have, he can most likely answer.” He said while going down to his room to put Suna down for a nap.

“Do you know how old Suna is?” Konro asked, the only one between the three men that was actually willing to talk.

“I think she’s 2, almost 3 maybe.” It was a mistake to leave those 3 alone...

*

It was now after dark, and everyone was lucky that no internals had showed up. Surprisingly Konro and Benimura were still there watching the toddler wonder around, playing hero and villain with Shinra and Princess and Knight with Arthur.

By the time you got off work, they were preparing dinner- well Hinawa was due to the overstayed guests. And due to this, you were offered to say as well.

“Mommy! Look! Look!” Suna yelled as you entered where their little office was, only for you to see Suna’s eyes go red and a piece of paper set on fire. You quickly put it out and ran over to the paper to see the damages.

“Suna, I told you that you can’t just set things on fire. It’s great that you have amazing control over your flames but,” Sighing you bent down to eye level with your daughter, “don’t do it again, okay?” Suna pouted before nodding and running off to find either Shinra, Tamaki, or Iris. You laughed as she ran off, yelling for one of the others- it seemed like just yesterday she was starting to crawl.

“It’s nice to see you again, Y/N.” You turned to see Konro, his hands folded into his kimono sleeves. You lightly smiled and looked up at the 6′2ft man.

“This is the last place I’d expect to see you, and you.” You said while looking around Konro to see Benimura behind him, his hands folded in his kimono like Konro. Benimura scoffed and looked off to the side, something he did when he didn’t want to do something or listen. 

“Whoever Suna’s father is, is a very lucky man.” Konro said trying to start a conversation. “He even watched her while working.” That sentence made you laugh.

“Sorry, Konro.” You smiled at them, “I asked Akitaru, or Obi, to watch her because I go called into work suddenly.”

“What about her father?” You bit the inside of your cheek, looking away from the two. Now Benimura and Konro were looking at you.

“Not in the picture.”

“Why not?” You were shocked to hear Benimura’s voice, “What kinda of bastard doesn’t take care of his own child?”

“One that doesn’t know she even exist.” It was your turn to look away, fiddling with your thumbs before looking at them.

“Y/N, how old is Suna?” Konro asked.

“She’ll be 3 in December.”

“Do you know who the father is? Last time we saw you was when you lived in Asakusa-”

“You’re so good at fighting and destorying shit, but anything else basically goes over your head.” You laughed, crossing your arms, leaning back on one of the many desks in the office. Looking between them you knew that Konro had already figured it out and was waiting for 2 possibly things to happen.

1. he figures it out himself.

or

2. you tell him.

“Waka, when I lived in Asakusa you were the only one I was with.” He only looked at you with same emotionless expression he always wore, and for you and Konro- you knew he wasn’t getting it.

“And after I moved, I was only focused on finding a job so I could support Suna. You’re the “bastard” father that doesn’t know about his child.” Telling his was a mistake, and you knew that was the instant his eyes started to glow red. Only to have Konro push him to a clearing where he won’t destroy anything Company 8 needed.

Which just so happened to be the roof. Konro didn’t want to be in the way of Benimura’s “melt down” so he left you alone with him. Thankfully there were only a small amount of flames, ones that you could easily snuff out without much concentration.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” The air, while warm from his previous fire use, was somehow crisp. You both were sitting on the edge of the cathedral, the moon shining down on the both of you.

“Don’t know, I was an outsider taken in after my parents and siblings went infernal. I was already outcasted for being someone from the empire, and even though everyone loved you they didn’t love me. So, I guess the reason was that I was scared.”

“You didn’t think I would protect you-”

“I knew you would, but I didn’t want you to throw everything away for an outsider and their kid-”

“Our kid.” 

“Mommy!” You both turned to see Suna running toward you with tired eyes and a bright smile.

“Hi, my little firecracker,” You said while picking Suna up and swaddling her. “Is something wrong?”

“Tired.” She said before snuggling into your neck, her little arms finding there way around your neck. Smiling you rubbed her back and stood up, looking down at Benimura.

“I have to go, but let’s continue this talk later.” You started to walk off, but stopped before you left the roof you turned back to him. “On my next day off, I’ll see if I can bring her to Asakusa.” 

#fire force #fanfic #benimaru shinmon #shinmon #benimura #fire force x reader #anime #anime x reader #waka #beni #x reader #Enn Enn no Shouboutai #suna #shinmon suna

[shinaetravels]

Hello!

Hello WOORLD! 

My name is Han Shinae and I am about to start the adventure of a lifetime! Tomorrow (or today, it’s passed midnight and my flight is in 4 hours) I’ll be on my way to Paris, France! I’m so excited! I’ve never been outside of Asia before, but a friend of mine from University told me how their sister was an Au Pair in Europe for a summer and I had to look into it! I mean, this friend was studying at my school from America and I wasn’t sure if anyone would be looking for someone from Korea to look after their kids, but lo and behold! I found one. 

Since this is the internet maybe I shouldn’t give out too much information but Mrs. N is actually of Korean decent and was actually interested in having someone take care and teach her two young children Korean! I’ve done a few video calls with the family just to make sure I was a good fit for them, and vice versa, but yeah! It’s happening! 

This blog was actually my little sister’s idea! She suggested I keep a journal but this is the 1920′s! A blog is the natural alternative. 

I’ve rambled way too much. 

Let’s talk soon! 

Au revoir!!!

#( / backdate) #( . blog )

[demytasse]

[Shinzaya] Hold Me Tight (Or Don’t) — Ch 3

Previous Chapters: Chapter 2 | All Chapters

—

   Morning rituals were only good for their reliability—not their interest. They might conform with the trends of time; transform into something novel with new means to set the mould, but they always wound up a formulaic bore and predictable as the people who accessorised the unremarkable event. They were a mere bringer of happenstance.

Which Izaya's present gift from his trusty schedule came in the form of his nag of a friend who melded with the shadow on his left and sought to initiate any kind of annoyance. At the moment it was Shinra's hope to converse with an added twine of their dominant fingers as they walked the halls. The contact wasn’t needed, the touch wouldn’t be sincere, and their frozen palms needn't chill the both of them.

His attempts didn’t work, though he did try—and kept on—despite how Izaya shooed them away.

Izaya knew the conversation Shinra insisted would be a nuisance by default, but a day later in retrospect he’d claim that he prophesied exactly how chaotic their morning would turn, and precisely knew that detrimental intel would be gained as a result.

And if he told a soul, he’d explain how the giveaway was the digging grip around his bicep that demanded Shinra be paid attention—a tad different than the normal ritual.

    “Come on, Izaya, listen! I have a brilliant scenario for club today!"     “Can I stop you there?”     “Just hear me out.” Izaya side-eyed his friend.     “It actually involves studying, you know.”     “That doesn’t instil me with confidence.”

    “If you let me talk you’ll see that it’ll accomplish the opposite.”

    “Ah, even more so I’m skeptical.”

Shinra huffed. It was fake.

Though Izaya could tell how patient Shinra tried to be as to not ruin what he’d undoubtedly planned in depth. Which meant he wouldn’t let up no matter how long the reveal was delayed or sidetracked—ignored with little success.

    “Do I have the floor now?”

Izaya sighed, rubbed at tired eyes; revolved his other hand to indicate that Shinra should just get on with it.

    “Splendid!” 

    He cleared his throat enthusiastically. “So like I’ve mentioned in the past, I’m aware of your proclivity to lust over my form while we change in the locker room.”     “Shinra, you’ve never mentioned that,” he rolled his eyes upon instinct.

    “I’ve never explained how obvious your voyeuristic tendencies are?”

    “Perhaps you’re confusing me for you since it seems you’re the one paying explicit attention.”

    “Well it doesn’t matter, you won’t have to rely on those stray glances and pitiably gazes after today.”

    “Enlighten me, vice club president, what’s this supposed bullet on our agenda?”

Unconsciously they’d trekked an optimal route that avoided extra eyes and additional foot traffic. Still, Izaya looked about to make sure no one followed close enough to make a rumour of whatever nonsense Shina was about to explain.

    “Well since you’re finally amenable I’ll cut to the chase. I've come up with a sort of team bonding exercise, a warm-up if you will, to ease ourselves into the ceremonious sex life we’ve yet to start. Thus, I propose that we entertain our teenage libidos with a rousing yet sensual strip teas—”

His perverse fantasy was cut with a solid body-check.

    "Shinra, for the love of whatever god... I want none of what I so kindly prevented you from further revealing."

    "You mean our bodies or the truth?"

    Izaya asked deadpan, "wait...the truth?"

    "Yes! Revealing the truth.”

    "Which is…?"

    "That you want me!"

    "Rather blunt, even for you."

    Shinra shrugged, "as if you don't know my spiel."

    "Ah, so I do. In that case, I'll skip my own to save me the trouble."

Startled—Izaya’s hand was taken into Shinra’s grasp who sparkled in spirit.

    "I was right then." 

    "Not even in the slightest!" He yanked his hand back, scowled while he rubbed the audacity off his skin, “don’t colour my response with your confirmation bias.”

    "You're so cruel, Izaya!" Each word was whined in woe. 

Stray students that Izaya feared would show up covered their ears while they searched for whom to grumble at, but only found a chilling threat. The few of them dispersed and abandoned the duo.

    "Indeed, I am."

    "At this rate, I'll grow old and undesirable before anything can happen."

    "That's not my problem."

    "Well I insist that you make it your problem! That way I can fix it just like I tend to your ailments and injuries. I won't be made a defeatist just because you adamantly deny the fact that you want me to touch you up—in more than one way." 

A chuckle hung up Izaya.

    "And what a touchy subject that you fail to drop. You know that I can turn you into the officials for your sexual advances and disrespect of my wishes at any time. Wouldn’t that solve my problems just as well?”

Izaya cocked his smirk and crossed his arms; expectant of Shinra’s surrender going without a hitch. In lieu of that, another form of hitch formed in Shinra’s breath as he remembered the time when Shizuo was turned-in for a dumb reason.

Still, his rebuttal was found after a shiver, hitched a ride from the relief, and realigned their pace.

    "Come on now, Izaya, you know we both ignore morality; at the very least I do and admit it. So rest assured, I'll hit you up again with the idea later on."

    "Oh, I hardly doubt that you will, my dear friend."

Shinra hummed—pat Izaya on the shoulder with a self-confident smile.

    "Okay!"

His peculiar response ended their conversation on an awkward note, it really didn't go along with what Izaya said prior and if that weren't normal he would have taken offence that he wasn’t listened to.

Thus it was thrown aside in favour of continuing their circuit of identical corners and walkways; intentionally without a care of how close it was until homeroom.

Though the energy from before died down quickly before they started down a new avenue of discussion.

    “But to be honest, I've thought about us more."

Curious of what necessitated a 'but' precursor and a drop in his tone—a mention of ‘us’—Izaya flipped attention towards his pensive friend. Whom was overly so and a little too unsure of himself.

    "We're friends...right?”

Izaya tripped over his footing as well his thoughts.

    “Dubiously so, but here we are." 

He swatted his...dubious friend as if the tease would kill the heavy air; out of habit Shinra didn’t flinch nor release the somber tilt from his lip.

    "Yeah...so,” he hesitated, “doesn't that mean you won't connect unnecessary feelings to us having sex?"

The mood dissolved into sickness as Izaya listened to the full reel.

    “That's a boon, right?”

    “A boon, hmm?'

    "Right. I mean, it should be…" he trailed off.

    "I suppose to you that’s all I am—” Izaya frowned, “rather, that’s what I am to you; a tool for your selfish whims."

Shinra readjusted the strap on his bag, further fidgeted to correct an uncomfortable hang that persisted its agitation.

    “Mmm, seems you remember what this whole plan is for: to prevent me from shamefully disappointing Celty, correct?"

    Is he questioning me with what he’s spouted to me?

    "Tch, how could I forget the disgusting mental image of you two going at it when you keep reminding me of it?"

It was strained, but Shinra managed to slip into the reminiscent smile he wore whenever his love interest was brought up.

    "How could you suggest that? Anything that involves Celty is purely beautiful. Which in respect of my angel I want to remain pure for her, despite my obviously tainted thoughts."

Once again he held some restraint and it seemed unbeknownst to the teen himself like he half-mindedly kept to an abused script rather than ad-libbing. Which Izaya decided to lean into the sudden turn as punishment or to defend his own feelings—both really.

    "You do realise your logic makes no sense? Having sex strips you of your virginity."

    "Naturally. Which is the exact reason that I’m purely opting for male relations, it's not quite the same as making love with a woman, but similar enough setups and motions. Therefore it keeps me a virgin in the important way.

    "Although, if I’m going after an older woman, that is quite the perversion. Un-pure, in fact. Oh. Oh no… Will that tamper with Celty's purity if she goes after me: a man centuries younger than herself…?”

His prior confliction seemed forgotten for a moment as he fell into his practised character.     “Get to your point, pervert.”

    "Err, right… perhaps you know this, but it's said that only fools will rush haphazardly into things without regard. Which, one and the same, I’m that fool whom the wise men speak of; hopelessly in love and blinded by it. Where do you think that puts me, Izaya? I’m at the precipice of doing whatever it takes to fulfil my goal.”

To this he performed a hard pause and stared beyond Izaya’s sight into his mind, both conscious and unconscious; it unnerved him, made him sweat.

    “I’m not the only one you could use. There are heartless bastards who are just as absent of a mind. Easier to puppeteer.”

    “I don’t particularly have a deathwish, I’d rather mess around with you than wrestle with a dimwit beast like Shizuo.”

Shinra flinched in preparation of being mauled by violent repercussion as if said beast was actually present. If it was a joke to lighten both their moods it went ignored.

While his friend comedically struggled with traumatic memories, Izaya explicitly worried about himself. How the previous implication deemed their friendly get-togethers more as a requirement of acquaintances to fulfil a specific purpose.

Izaya watched Shinra emote through a summoned monologue while stuck on mute. His mouth flapped silently, looked playful a few separate times while he nudged Izaya with a wry wink. His bright smile would immediately fall whenever he didn’t get a response before he'd continue—defeated. 

Whatever he rambled was in vain.

Though the absent audio made Izaya's internal voice scream.

Somewhere within him nagged a question of if he’d actually made up his mind—if he really wanted none of the sexual intimacy that Shinra kept offering, with or without either of them smitten. He didn’t and he wasn’t, he really wanted none of that baggage. 

Yet there was tension, and it’d been eating away at his brain; the swirls of muscle that had become a victim of jealousy, a parasite that started to take over his rationale, motor skills, and more.

    "...plus he's not as much my type aesthetically unlike y—"

Shinra turned mute for real as he went stiff —was killed on the spot, stood a corpse in rigour mortis.

At the changed demeanour Izaya scrunched his features to a focal point, that is until he looked down the hall. It appeared that the devil was summoned by his repeated mention—Shizuo, the dolt who'd surely wreck both of their mornings.

    Moderately, Shinra began to shake. "Oh god, he heard me."

Given the grim aura that surrounded Shizuo, Izaya gathered that he was one agitation away from ornery, which bode terribly.

    Izaya masked his nerves with a sigh, "Shinra that's improbable. Maybe not impossible, considering his inhuman hearing, but—"

    "The hell did you manipulative bastards do?!" 

As if to prove the hypothesis, Shizuo locked sight on them, his ornery scowl confirmed; with a chip on his shoulder, a prominent rip on his jacket’s shoulder.

Decidedly he must have read their racked nerves as damnation of some ploy that hadn’t been actioned, or maybe it had, Izaya wasn’t sure if Shinra had set up something fishy.

    "Surprising as it is for your amateur reasoning, Detective Gumshoe, we did nothing."

Shizuo looked between Izaya and Shinra in doubt and looped through his scrutiny again. Oddly enough he settled shifty eyes on the other teen though targeted both of them—just to be unfair.

    "Eep!!" Shinra weaved a hyperbolic squeal into his legitimate reason to falter.

Though there wasn’t an excuse for his dart around Izaya to create a safe base out of him, both slim and inefficient. Especially there wasn’t a good reason for Shinra to grasp onto his cover, nor was there to hold his waist fake means to stabilise himself before he wrapped them around front. It was too intimate a hold for the hostile setting, but the teen kept to his whim.

    Ah...perhaps this was planned...

Shinra perched his chin on Izaya's shoulder to keep watch of their enemy.

    "Prove I'm innocent, Izaya!"

    "Like hell he's innocent!" Shizuo yelled.

In one sense Shinra couldn’t be proven guilty, but he wasn’t innocent. He took advantage of Izaya’s skyrocketed endorphins as Shizuo trudged closer—he pilfered them, used them. Subtly nuzzled a spot behind his ear; continued his act, but seemed flustered as his breath was shallow from underlined fear, yet focused.

It was that manipulative sway Izaya swore he liked, but now he felt betrayed by his propensity to love anything off-kilter.

Anger ran up his spine and ended in a shudder around the spot Shinra laid his head. His pulse raced furthermore as a palm rolled discreetly under his jacket and flattened upon his heart to monitor its speed.

Shinra spoke. It was loud enough to combat the hallway chatter—clearly the beast as well—but went unheard by anyone other than his victim.

    “Interesting, fear really does bring you excitement. I should’ve known...” 

Shinra hummed uncharacteristically pleased for scientific discovery. That or Izaya's preference had grown askew over time and made a calculated tone of a scientist attractive, repulsive given the circumstances. Though that preference could possibly be tied to his personal inspector who tested his fortitude against prior jealousy.

For a second he swore he felt their pulse sync up with the heartbeat against his back. Enough to count for evidence that maybe… Shinra toyed with both their feelings.

Regardless of what he had done to invoke Shizuo's wrath as a trap, Izaya felt he was made a lab rat, a joke.

As Shizuo swiftly decreased the space between them, he turned against his friend.

    Two can play this game, asshole.

Within the last moment, Izaya overlapped their hands in tender opposition of the aggressive atmosphere, which shocked Shinra. Izaya used the opportunity to pry the leech from his back and shoved him into the battlefield.

    "W-woah!"

Shinra spun and tripped, and by the look of it, his fear shot up to one-hundred percent genuine.

    "Shizu-chan," Izaya smirked, "have at him."

    "Seriously?!" Shinra staggered off to evade—sounded a hair amused, but looked terrified as Shizuo picked up speed.

    "Don't start acting like that damn bastard, Shiiinrrraaa!"

In the distance, they were now a pair of ants.

Left on the sidelines, Izaya mused.

    "You know…”

His hands formed a frame out in front of him with an eye closed for better focus. 

    “I don't see how anyone could get tired of this show like they do with Shizu-chan and me.”

    He clicked a fake shutter, “they must have no appreciation for good humour." Izaya wished he had an actual camera to photograph his revenge—for precious school memories soon to end, not to mention good blackmail. In spite of that, he hoped Shinra would forget the discovery he made in the heat of the moment. Anything more discovered of him in that fashion would be worse than a public downfall, it would be a private tragedy. And really, it wasn’t just that he may get a bit…excited in dangerous situations; honestly, that should’ve been obvious and he knew Shinra knew that. It was probably an excuse for his shitty friend to associate sexual excitement with himself. It was a flimsy experiment with failed results, but only because Izaya already got that sort of reaction when it involved Shinra.

As his hands slid from the air into his pockets he willed his rampant pulse to normalise—much to his dismay, it didn't budge.

    “My, what a pickle he’s stuck me in.”

His mood soured just like vinegar and salt, with the purpose of the sexual endeavour fresh on his mind. What his fool reminded him of—rather not his, but it was easier to say and pleasant ring. 

Shinra played with his sweet spots and weaknesses; he did it too well like he paid unnecessary attention to someone who was just a target for his ploy. That in and of itself was trouble.

    Izaya skipped class and club alike—he lacked the energy to struggle through their time together alone. That and he couldn't stop focussing on the undeterminable expression Shinra wore while they exchanged souls…

    “...I’m at the precipice of doing whatever it takes to fulfil my goal…”

Correct him if that didn’t feel like a hint for him to pick up.

—

AN: What a slog writing this has been, ahaha...

#shinzaya #izashin #kishitani shinra #orihara izaya #shinra kishitani #izaya orihara #durarara!! #durarara #durarara rare pair #durarara fanfiction #drrr!! #drrr #shinra x izaya #izaya x shinra #fanfic #fanfiction #demytasse fanfiction #shinzaya hold me tight or don't

[kahlooah]

Shina Next Gen: Team 7

Mizu, Mikoto, and Shinachiku Uzumaki.

The three tend to be attached at the hip since before they were born! Though, it might not look like it, they were just caught in a bad time.

-Mizu looks just like Karin when she's annoyed. He tends to take after her

-there's no secret Mikoto takes after her Uncle Itachi. She's rambling about her views

-Shinachiku usually takes after Sakura. But his father's goofy nature sometimes sneaks inside just to tease one of his favorite people, Miyako.

Nonetheless,

Shina and Mizu are distant relatives due to their Uzumaki blood, so the two spend lots of time learning about their clan, and studying what they can about seals.

#shinachiku #uzumaki shinachiku #mikoto uchiha oc #uchiha oc #Hyuga uchiha pairing #hozuki mizu #naruto next gen oc #NaruSaku #suikarin #sasuke x oc

[shina913]

Good night 🌙

#anniversary things #shina ramblings

[trashlie]

ILY FP 201 and 202

I never had a chance last week to getting around to talking about FP 201 even though I really wanted to, and I’m kind of glad for it, because it ties so neatly together with 202. I’m not sure if our flashback arc ends here or not, and part of me feels like I should wait until we finally return to the present, but I’m never good at that and I like to lay down my thoughts while they remain fresh, if I can, especially in regards to this flashback. For something that has spanned so many episodes, we really were thrown a lot of information in these last episodes. I mean, in general, I think this whole arch has been a ride, and it’s been full of details we either never knew or were wrong about all along, and I have really enjoyed that aspect. But I cannot lie: episodes 200 and 201 were SO, SO HARD for me to read. I was dreading coming up on episode 200, but to tell you the truth, 201 hit me even harder. 

Something about the way we opened, with Shinae laying so helpless and broken, with the bird we’ve seen before in her dream flying away from her and her empty eyes; her wish to be like a bird and take flight (PARALELLS!), the fact that no one had even called for help that her teacher had to come along and find her?!, the way even! after! a fall! she still apologized and tried to hold it together TRIED SO HARD TO BE THE PERSON SHE THOUGHT EVERYONE NEEDED HER TO BE! There’s something so well-done about the pacing - that moment of tranquil peace before the teacher’s appearance and the urgency, the shifting panels as Shinae is blacking out and the fear it instills, even knowing full well how it turns out. It’s SO well done to me! 

There was something that struck me so hard in that moment, that Shinae had yet to grow used to adults caring and respecting her feelings. It can’t have been an hour prior, in the timeline, that she was worried her homeroom teacher would get mad if she went to the math club meet and thought she had to sneak, was so stunned that the teacher apologized for her mistake. Coming from a place where she’d been bullied so badly the bully’s mom had attacked her, where no other teachers came forward or stepped in to stop it, and here she’s got two different teachers who all show concern for her and respect her, and how there’s something so very SAD about it being one such teacher who is the one to get her help, because no one else had.

What would have happened if she didn’t have a math meet to be at? What would have happened if she was just on cleaning duty? Who would have found her? 

The fragmented memories of Shinae in and out of consciousness, all of people who care about her, all jagged and out of focus. I absolutely lost it when Minhyuk burst in the way he did - Shinae came to this school in hopes of making friends, of fitting in, or at the very least not being bullied. She just wanted to have friends and not be seen as the weird kid or picked on and ostracized and in the end, it was only Minhyuk. Only he got to know her enough to care about her, only he was concerned about her. His savage, emotional outburst and that awful, true line: I’m the only damn kid in this entire school that cares about her. 

It’s no wonder present-day Minhyuk turned out the way he did. It’s something we knew already - that Minhyuk knew her back when it happened so yes he’s overprotective as a result, but it was still easy to take Dieter’s side, that Minhyuk needs to step back and let Shinae live her life. But the thing is, Minhyuk isn’t just overprotective in the way of a big brother who thinks he needs to fight a younger sister’s battles. Minhyuk is protective in the way of knowing that only HE cared about her, that only HE could see through the rumors and be the friend she needed, that only HE could see everything for what it was. It’s even worse when you consider that no one else knows of Alyssa’s involvement, or how Shinae even fell, what lead to it, that there are rumors everywhere that paint Shinae in the worst light, that at the end of the day no one else cared, except him. Minhyuk is overprotective in the way of a parent who thinks the only way to protect their child is to shield them, or to fight their battles for them. The day he was away, winning his competition, Shinae was left helpless with no one, not one single person, on her side, and given the fact that it seems like she never opened up about it, never once talked about it, it all makes perfect sense and puts everything into a better perspective.

Minhyuk finishing up classes early so he could take the first flight home he could because Shinae finally broke down and for presumably the first time, opened up about everything she was going through, all the struggles that were too heavy for her to bear, all the horrors she endured that she never should have. You can’t blame him for wanting her out of her job with the Hiraharas after everything that has happened, you can’t blame him for not trusting the people around her, you can’t blame him for knowing that she’s been here before and not wanting her to go through it again. I think that’s what’s especially interesting about Dieter’s interpretation of Minhyuk - he thinks that Minhyuk is infantilizing Shinae, that he can’t see how much she’s grown, but for Minhyuk, it’s that it’s such an aspect of who he is, something that’s become so deeply ingrained, it’s eclipsed his ability to even see when his protective nature is hurting his sister, when it’s causing strife. The weight of being the only person who would ever have defended and protected Shinae, of being the only person who could have protected her, and the guilt of not being there when she needed him the most formed at such a formative age. What else could he do but adopt this as part of his personality, a swear forged in guilt to never leave her defenseless again. When you consider it this way, it must have been one hell of a struggle for Minhyuk to decide to attend school in a country halfway across the world. For him to make the choice to leave Shinae’s side and trust that nothing horrifying would happen to her again - ONLY FOR IT TO ACTUALLY HAPPEN - must be heavy on his shoulders. 

Likewise, we’ve got some interesting insight into Maya, too. I’d always operated on the assumption that everyone knew about Alyssa’s involvement - that teachers and parents knew, that the Parks were aware, that it was a bigger affair than it ended up being, but it sounds now more like Alyssa probably went home that day and begged and begged her parents to remove her from school and I’m willing to bet she never said why. Maya had already left, had been given the opportunity to wait after school with Rika and instead chose to leave Shinae for tragedy, and knew only that Alyssa was not a good friend, that she didn’t defend Shinae when she wasn’t around. It’s funny - when Shinae comes face to face with an ad of Alyssa, Maya’s response had seemed awfully cavalier, to essentially write off Alyssa as Shinae’s sucky ex-bff, but, well, that’s all Maya knew, wasn’t it? She had no idea just how twisted all of the layering is. Like Minhyuk, Maya also operated out of guilt, but hers was combined with her feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. I don’t know if we can read into it deeper, but I wonder if part of why it was difficult for Maya to become friends with Shinae, besides their different personalities, is that she feels saddled with all that guilt and feelings of inadequacy. Not just the feeling like people look out for Shinae more than they do for her but the knowledge that she, too, once abandoned Shinae, and who is she to try to befriend her, even at her brother’s request? Obliging out of guilt - because once upon a time she could maybe have intervened, or been there to get help - but struggling to accept that she’s allowed to be friends with someone who she has begrudged and abandoned. I think there’s a lot of signs that Maya cares about Shinae but is very affected by the complexity of her dark and negative feelings. I don’t think Maya necessarily called Shinae to help at the bakery the day after the formal because Shinae is a yes girl or something, I think she called Shinae because she’s Shinae. 

Actually, again, this brings me back to what I love the most about this story - it’s all the shades of grey, the layers of complexity, how nothing is ever black or white, one way or another. 

Alyssa liked Shinae, but she was a terrible friend. She wanted her cake and to eat it, too, and she couldn’t make it work. She never managed to deal with confrontation, she couldn’t face her fear of ostracization. Even with all the hints that it could never work she still tried. 200 highlighted that so well - though to Shinae’s face she acted like their brief friendship meant nothing, when the other girls were messing with Shinae’s belongings, she still tried to get them to stop and leave her (and her stuff) be. And sure, we could easily say it’s because Alyssa was afraid of getting in trouble, but she still showed so much concern over Shinae crawling out on the window ledge to retrieve her backpack, SHARPLY contrasted with the absolute lack of concern the bully girls showed, and her pure horror when she accidentally knocks Shinae out the window. Alyssa is a mess and she’s not good at handling crisis and she rarely, if ever, chooses to do the right thing. The moment it all starts coming down, she buckles and folds under pressure. I know a lot of people are upset that she didn’t call 911, but frankly, I think she couldn’t. With what we know of Alyssa, it wouldn’t be the first time she froze and panicked in a situation of crisis. Compare her going home “feeling sick” because her attempt to make friends (selling their project) blew up in her face to the actual horror of shoving someone out the window and, yes, the trouble that would come from it? I assume Alyssa went into a panic attack or some kind of crisis and froze up, too afraid to deal with what happened. I’m not saying it’s right, but I also don’t think Alyssa’s lack of interaction is as malicious as people make it out to be. I think she’s a middle school child ensnared by intense guilt and horror and fear and didn’t know how to react. I imagine she went home and never breathed a word of this, only begged her parents to withdraw her, told them she changed her mind, she didn’t want to do public school, told them it was awful and she never ever wanted to return again. 

All the time I thought that Alyssa never had the therapy or closure that she needed was because I thought her parents and their obsession with image probably never gave her the opportunity, but now I realize it’s probably that Alyssa, much like Shinae, likely buried this deep, deep down where she could pretend it was something that never happened, something that happened to a person she no longer is. That’s probably how Alyssa is able to face Shinae at the formal - because she has to, because masking and putting on a show is her literal career, because if she gives that incident or her guilt even one moment to breathe, her entire carefully constructed facade would fall apart. 

Again, Alyssa is so much like Kousuke in the sense of denial - that they have to deliberately look away from things in order for their personal truths to hold value. The moment Alyssa has to face her past, to revisit what happened, how she treated Shinae, there’s a good chance for it all fall apart. Sure, she can dig her heels in the way she does with Nol and deflect, but we also know that for a brief period of time, Shinae was important to Alyssa, even if Alyssa couldn’t let it be true. How much would she be able to deflect? How much would she be able to shift blame? I think the only way for Alyssa to ever come to terms with what happened in the past is if she is confronted, if she and Shinae ever talk it out, but I also don’t think, at least certainly not at this stage, that Alyssa would ever be as honest as she needs to be. Maybe Shinae would be able to one day accept that this is the sum of Alyssa: a messy attempt at trying to be the impossible, that she never meant to hurt Shinae, but was still willing to throw her under the bus. 

And despite it, Alyssa left a get well soon present, with the most cavalier note in the world. I... can’t lie, I kind of laughed about it, because that note comes across so cold and empty, but also what else was she going to write? Sorry I pushed you out a window. Sorry I threw you under the bus. Sorry I was the most undeserving friend to you? Again, they are children, and frankly they are dealing with something bigger and darker than they are probably ready to. I think this is Alyssa’s weird way of trying to show care and concern, but so bogged down by guilt that she can’t truly face Shinae. Even if she knew the hospital Shinae was in, I don’t think she would have been able to do it, to face her in a hospital gown with a scar where her skull was literally cut open. To face her and know the role she played in this, who it all transpired because of her. Like Shinae, she buried it so deep down it felt like a whole other lifetime. But I think much like with Shinae, there’s only so far you can repress things before your past returns to haunt you.

This is something I’m now thinking about: the weight and impact of an Alyssa bullying reveal in the light of knowing how few people know of her involvement. We’ve talked before about how a bullying scandal could affect Shinae but that was under the assumption that everyone already knew Shinae was involved. Imagine a rumor coming to light, that Alyssa had been a bully in middle school, that she and another student ganged up against other students, and that she even pushed that student out a window before disappearing. Minhyuk and Maya would instantly know it was Shinae - something she’s kept from them for so long would be made public without her consent, possibly before she’s even ready to deal with it. Depending on the wording, it could be easy to accuse Shinae of making the accusation to take down her career, and given that Alyssa tends to mirror Kousuke, I wouldn’t be surprised by this, but I like to hope that Alyssa would have better sense to expect the other two girls if there was any other background information alluding to her and the “other bully girl” aka how they all saw Shinae.

I think it does also bring us back to the Other Bully Issue. When the bully girls tease Alyssa for defending Shinae, they pull the “if you care so much why don’t you marry her?” line, which in and of itself is not very nefarious, but Alyssa’s reaction to it still comes across as.... heated? It’s hard to read in the moment, since she’s trying to clear her name and make it seem like she has no lingering attachment towards Shine, but at the same time, it’s been a quiet, running theme, a thing that Alyssa so vehemently fears getting out that I feel like we still cannot definitively rule it out. I still think there could be a good chance that bullying accusations could possibly be entangled with potentially trying out to Alyssa (which I feel is frankly far too much). 

On a different note, tethering back to our current story, I am absolutely blown away by the reveal that the orange sweater Shinae has worn before was from Alyssa. Literally, this blew my mind so much! I think it’s some kind of testament to Shinae’s level of repression, too, that she can still wear it in the present without feeling any type of way about the person who gave it to her. Like, if she had any resentment towards Alyssa, that sweater would be burnt up or at least donated. Of course, this doesn’t tell us anything new, because numerous times throughout the story, we have seen that Shinae has mostly confusion towards that time of her life, and usually wishes Alyssa well.

In fact, as a “fun” (depressing) fact, in episode 16 we are shown a vague, blurry flashback of Alyssa pushing Shinae - and she is wearing this exact sweater as she thinks back on it. In fact, she was literally wearing a yellow tee-shirt at the end of the episode prior! The fact that she appears wearing it while thinking about the very incident that afforded her this sweater?! (The fact that she wonders how she is, well she hopes and the scene cuts to Nol trying to get in touch with Alyssa and her not answering the call? What a segue!)  

Actually, it’s kind of darkly funny that this is the sweater Shinae is wearing when Maya set her up to meet with Kousuke and Nol - the latter of whom has unearthed all this deeply buried trauma of not meaning something to the person you care about, of being abandoned and cooly tossed aside like trash. LISTEN YOU KNOW THIS IS MY SHIT. I cannot! Deal with this detail! 

(That said, after Shinae was splashed by that child’s mom, she thinks “this isn’t even my sweater”. The bird is also facing a different way on the shirt Shinae wears early in the series. I wonder if that’s an oversight of quimchee’s part or if there’s something more to reveal to us in time.) 

I also cannot deny the irony of Shinae falling and likening it to flying, of looking at that bird and wishing she, too, could take flight and and feel the freedom of the sky, and that being the design on the shirt Alyssa gives her. It just.... feels SO deeply ironic. 

I think we are at the end of the flashback - maybe another episode or two, but if it goes back now, I wouldn’t be surprised! I’m curious to see where this brings us in the present. I’d noted on reddit that I think there is a lot of room for Shinae to take a stumble, for this recollection to affect her and be a pushback on the growth she’s made, but narratively that would be SUCH a disappointment and frankly, anti-climatic, after the efforts she went through to bring Nol back. I think - or at least I hope - that reliving this nightmare in her past with given Shina renewed resolve, to face Nol, to embrace friendships, to dig her heels in on what she was saying - that things happen to them and maybe it’s not punishment, maybe the universe has no sense of rhyme or reason and they shouldn’t believe that they are being punished for things beyond their control, for things they could not affect. They did not choose to be born the people they are, but they can choose to defy what life has offered them. 

#I Love Yoo #ILY Spoilers #ILY FP #ILY Brainrot #Shinae Yoo #Alyssa Cho #Minhyuk Park #Maya Park #Nol #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #i hate that tag lmao #GOD this one is long but i don't think anyone is surprised #i have a LOT of rambling going on under the cut about just idk the general DEPTH of everything and how it's all played into and affected the #story at this point and what i think is so important and vital that it had to be explored in such depth and scrutiny. i think this incident #was such a formative foundation not only for Shinae and Alyssa but for people close or involved. like i wouldn't say maya is a close party #but she's certainly tethered to the incident by way of her guilt and the opportunity she didn't take to invite Shinae to join and maybe wait #for her or something. idk! i just have a LOT of thoughts and finally was able to articulate them decently enough. i feel like it doesn't all #come across the way i want it to but this will have to do! idk i have enjoyed this arc - in the way that you can appreciate a trainwreck i #guess lol like it feels bad to say but seeing how everything played out and went down and the ramifications of it is satisfying in a really #upsetting way. getting to see the way this affected and changed everyone like how Minhyuk made this an entire part of his personality of #their whole relationship and the new perspective it gives towards how Dieter sees his interference #Dieter cannot begin to understand why Minhyuk is so overprotective of Shinae and why he goes out of the way like he does #I also cannot help but look forward to an inevitable day when this all comes out into the open because there's no way we went through all #this just for it to remain a quiet secret between Shinae and Alyssa. what happens when everyone finds out - not just Nol Dieter Soushi #but Minhyuk and Maya too? what happens when it's dragged into the open how Alyssa treated her how the fall happened? #Even though I don't think Shinae is telling Nol (or at least if she tells him anything she will omit Alyssa) I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE THINKS. #BECAUSE HE DID THIS TO HER TOO. BECAUSE HE MADE HER THINK THEY WERE FRIENDS ONLY TO CAST HER ASIDE AND MAKE HER FEEL WORTHLESS #and it was worse because he had to break down her walls in order to do it #will he finally understand why she chased him so hard why she's fighting so hard for him why she believes in him when he can't believe in #himself? will he understand the ways he hurt her when he never anticipated doing so?

[shinakazami1]

TSP ramble: TK and the Narrator's relationship

@stelar-time was thinking about TK and The Narrator so I decided to make a small ramble about one of the ways I see their relationship

TL;DR Narry and TK might actually tolerate each other and have found a common enemy

---

The Narrator seems to look at everything in his Parable as his original creation. TK is no different, as we already have the admission from Davey himself that TK=432. But just like you change the lore of your OCs, the fact the games could be stretched for 10 years does show how much could have been changed in The Narrator's perception.

We meet TK in the form of The Settings Person but the way TK presents himself later - it seems the 432's travel beyond dimension gets him beyond the Narrator's reach too...Which is fair, as we never see the Narrator really interact with the menu- or...does he.

Bumpscosity. One small tiny gag but the implications of it are massive. Like sure - the Narrator and Cookie9 maybe forgot you can mute the Narrator in-menu, but Narry reacts to the level of Bumpscosity you set and has a full achievement for checking all the settings.

Now why would he know only that and not TK's existence? There is that issue of Narry not being omniscient and often showing he doesn't know shit (Broken achievement) but...he made the world of the Parable, possibly. He made all these NPCs and he, in some way, made Stanley, too.

So - why since TSPUD is overall a love letter to both Player and Stanley, let it be to Parable, too? To a representation of the most tormented OC yet? But now - the thing about Memory Zone is that it wasn't meant to be decay. It's what the name says - a sanctuary for memories.

Look *where* it is though. This part isn't in the original Memory Zone. There are reviews that weren't there before and that proves something - that the Narrator purposefully put them. And at the end, at the very end of the road - there it is.

The only room not covered in sand.

And yet somehow - this is the computer TK is in. It could have been any computer at all in the Parable but TK is there, waiting for you patiently, in the room best preserved, with its own light.

For me - the Narrator doesn't hate TK. Even if TK seems to resent him.

The Narrator knows he can't escape. He wants to move on yet - seeing how long he was in the Skip Button, I think he already tried everything. So, when he was waiting for us to return - that was plenty of time to get out of the bounds. To revisit old projects and make new ones.

But look at TK's lines in this part.

Did you read what the developers said?? "Preserve the integrity of the franchise"?! You see, that was the Narrator's problem. He was so obsessed with what people thought of his work. Don't make his mistake. Don't cling to the legacy. Let it burn.

He talks about the Narrator in the past tense. This can be seen as a critique but I think it can also be seen as a warning of something he and the Narrator talked about since the Narrator wanted to let go. He learnt from his mistake.

Why was Narry then so surprised about the broken achievement? He possibly worried about the devs being brought back. About him thinking he got everything in control by making new versions of the endings and already discussing it all behind the camera with TK and then leaving them

But that's just a theory. A shina-way-too-long-once-again-at-2-am-fuck-me-why-do-I-do-this-to-everyone theory.

#my ramblings #tsp #theory #tk #narrator #timekeeper #settings person #the tettings person #432 #the narrator #tspud #the stanley parable #nobody gonna see it but my brain is fire

[tagetes-erecta]

#ripo rambles #shina’s memento #inside the cube... #in the cube!

[imaginarydragonling]

b, d, i, j, r, x, z

B - A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mindKageSuga. Gotta credit @striking--light for planting that seed and letting me nurture it into fruitful bloom that it is.

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’tShinae x Yeong Gi from I Love Yoo. Love Yeong Gi and they definitely have some good moments together, but somehow I just can’t quite set sail with this ship. Totally support people who do though! I’m cheering them on from port. *waves handkerchief enthusiastically*

I - Has tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and whyNo :) I’ve definitely cooled off for some fandoms, but it’s not solely tumblr’s fault.

J - Name a fandom you didn’t care/think about until you saw it all over tumblrTsurune. Thanks to @mygeekcorner and @dameofnodelicacy for sucking me into that one ^^

R - A pairing you ship that you don’t think anyone else shipsIwaKage. But now I’ve dragged @mygeekcorner into this hell with me 😈

X - 3 OTPs from 3 different fandomsViktuuri (YOI) | 585 (Saiyuki) | Shinae x Happiness (I Love Yoo)

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go goI joined fandom for fun and I’m having the time of my life :) I’ve learnt that some things about fandom work for me while others don’t, and I need to constantly remember why I joined and to be kind to myself.

Thanks for the asks dear! Sorry it took awhile for me to get to ToT

Alphabet Asks: Fandom Edition

#asked and answered #alphabet asks #alphabet asks: fandom edition #kagesuga #iwakage #shin ae yoo #i love yoo #yeong gi #tsurune #viktuuri #585 #saiyuki

[nerice]

jumie @ devon as he's in full agony over his romance problems: are you winning son?

#im so sad that she's not there 2 give him advice and steer him thru the worst of it!!!!! #this is too large an emotion 2 be a tag ramble but h. from #jack>shina to devon>avery parallels. avery/garvith/noah mess adjacent n complicating all of this #jumie who knows how it is 2 fall in love w gods (reina>garvith>avery thruline) . and to lose them :( #i want a version of this story where jj take their kids with them to meet w avery's family. where they all meet n nobody has 2 die.. #devon who'd take to avery in much the same way. belle who'd hate her in much the same way. [redacted sibling mess] #godddd. :(:( #shadowblogging