#remember what joy felt like?

[theprogressivesadist]

remember what joy felt like?

#remember what joy felt like? #metsies #sports ball #bartolo #bartolo colon #big sexy

[thepoisonroom]

'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.

I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.

About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'

-Casey Plett, Consciousness

#this quote always moves me almost to tears when i remember it #i'm not a trans woman and i don't share the author's specific experiences with transition #but it really moves me that she frame transition as joyfully giving yourself permission to approach your body #not as something that has to be disciplined and deprived and made small in all these various ways #but as a means for experiencing pleasure and joy and delight and for insisting that our feelings and desires are worth #valuing and exploring and treasuring #i always used to think of prioritizing those things for myself as selfish and irresponsible #but who does it harm to want to experience pleasure in your own body? #it's such a beautifully simple and powerful switch to have flip in your head #and equally why are we forced to deny our own pleasure in transition and anything else related to our bodies in the name of moral rectitude #this is why i get so confused and pissed off when other trans people are fatphobic for example #like why are you so invested in politics of shame and disgust that never had any purpose other than #violently disciplining people as if they've violated moral codes by existing in a body #to say nothing of white people being racist in gay and trans communities #like again this system of violence is foundational to homophobia and transphobia #so why are you acting like it has nothing to do with you #even if you are unmoved by the urgency of other people's suffering which btw you should be moved by #what do you hope to gain by acting a collaborator and handmaiden to those systems #Casey Plett #she really is one of my favorite authors i wish more non-canadians read her #this quote is from a series of columns she did ont transition and every single one is a banger #i love when she talks about the people-pleasing elements of dysphoria and transition denial #she's so sharp about noting how many of us deny our own dysphoria on the grounds that others like and validate our bodies #that's how i always felt during my cis conventionally feminine era #it pleased other people so much and also that reception felt so hollow and joyless to me because i hated it #i get less of that positive feedback but that feels so unimportant next to the joy and pleasure i get to experience #said with the understanding that i'm very privileged in being able to prioritize those things without fear. but it was a switch flip #personal nonsense

[spaghett-onaplate]

depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed

#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world?? #very proud of myself #and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change #it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting -> #primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly #so there was somewhat of a gradual progression #but still #also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time #i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i #had been socially involved #anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change #and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find #the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever #and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha #(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭) #but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically #it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni #ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that #but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped #and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr #i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years #and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it #and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing #kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao #i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school #and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you? #anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build #--ing towards #which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool' #and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now

[giantkillerjack]

Favorite part about Death Note is that Light gets the Note and IMMEDIATELY becomes a serial killer fascist with a god complex.

No build-up, no Fall From Grace, no slow corruption of a good boy gradually becoming a monster. Just-- SPEED RUN STRATS. And I love that for him.

Tbh, I think there are a lot of folks (especially boys) from my high school days who would have immediately become monsters if given the power of life and death over every person around them.

It's kind of like how when people have apparently casual ableist beliefs, and you push them to elaborate on that just a little bit, they'll often end up openly saying stuff like "well, some people are just too disabled to be worth the resources it takes to support them." - Which is... eugenics. It's just eugenics, justified by the myth of scarcity. Now these folks almost certainly won't call it eugenics, or even think of it that way. But that doesn't make it NOT a core belief of the Nazis.

In a similar way, Light seems like a nice and well-adjusted boy with strong beliefs. No harm in that.

But to paraphrase Lindsay Ellis in her analysis of the Game of Thrones ending, "Power doesn't necessarily corrupt. Power reveals." [I think she was quoting someone else when she said this. It was someone who wrote a biography on LBJ. Whatever. Lindsay said it and she's smart as hell and I recommend her videos.]

And 15 minutes into the Death Note musical, I'm already thinking about how so many beliefs "casually" held by well-adjusted, nice people immediately reveal their monstrousness when talked through to their natural conclusion.

And I wonder how many of those people, given the power of life and death over everyone around them - the power to take their ideas to their natural conclusions - would also immediately reveal how their lack of self-reflection has laid the groundwork for them to become monsters.

#original #ableism #ableism cw #eugenics #nazis cw #death note #Death Note the musical #light yagami #death note musical #there's not really such a thing as casual ableism. because it all feeds into the same evil machine at the end of the day #because ableism done with hate and ableism done with love and ignorance have the same exact effects #there's no such thing as casual racism either. even if other white people would like to think that #so they don't have to actually call out people around them for holding heinous beliefs or doing horrible things #white culture #is basically the group agreement that we are /simply not going to talk about what we've done/ #and we most /certainly/ are not going to talk about what we are currently doing. even bringing it up is considered rude. #it's bad is what I'm saying it's a bad culture and I don't think the world would lose anything without it #maybe then our churches won't feel like places God has abandoned. I'm an atheist. but I remember what white Mass felt like. #frankly I might not have become an atheist if when we sang stuff like ode to joy in church it wasn't the most joyless sound ever #our words flew up. our thoughts remained below. songs without thought never to heaven go. <3 #man I gotta make some excellent art about that so I can stop talking about so much. but heavy excellent art takes time! so it'll be a while #nice is different than good #niceness can sometimes be incredibly unkind. it's nice to be agreeable. but in the face of injustice this becomes a cruelty. #back to watching the musical. LOVE how Light convinces himself his actions come from a place of love 💘 #'we just have to kill all the bad guys!' taken to its brutal and horrifying conclusion #and the way so many people are FANS of Kira is so brilliant. i wonder if this musical's ending is better written than the [÷>%> #*than the original

[birb--birb]

What kind of love are you?

Violet: Love as a Threshold

Your love does not ask for much. Your love does not take. Your love is free, and unquestioned, and here for wherever needs it. When you fall in love, it is as gentle as a breath in the night. It is quiet, and it is effortless. It is tender. If your love was a house, it would readily welcome all who come through. If your love was a hearth, it would warm the hands of whoever stopped by, whether for a day, a month, a year, or forever. When you fall for someone, it is without strings, without conditions, without need. You love for the sake of loving, for the sake of caring for those who need it. You love with a giver’s heart and a giver’s hands and are made so much stronger for it. Being loved by you is to always feel at home. Your love may not always be well-received by those unprepared to linger, but it is unforgettable all the same

The second I saw this answer for Violet I knew it was perfect. Their entire romance with Astarion was about patience. Waiting for him to realize that he's truly safe with them, that they doesn't expect anything from him, that he is in the lead here and they'll follow only when he's ready and okay. And waiting without judgement, Violet knows these things take time and they were more than willing to wait, to be there, to just sit and exist with him while he figures shit out. And when he truly let Violet in, I like to think it was like with a comforting sigh, the feeling of coming home, that feeling when all pressure is lifted and you can just *exist* without fear, without judgement.

Violet has seen violence and hatred and yet chooses to show up for those they love as a place of calm and stability, without judgement, without expectations. Violet's love is patient, it doesn't expect anything back but will give you everything just because we all deserve to feel warmth and safety. They feel so much warmth in their heart that they were able to help Astarion get to a place where he feels safe. I think even if they didn't fall in love or end up together, Violet would have still shown up for him in the same way. They know what suffering is like, they've gone through enough of it themselves and come out the other end alive. They know how much it hurts, but also how much easier it is with someone to lean on.

tagged by @cleric4vampire ty for enabling so many feelies about my bbys

Tagging: @justabiteofspite and @dragon--sage (I know yall were already tagged but doing so again for funzies cause I'd love to hear about your Tavs/Durges) and anyone who wants to join in, please do!!

#I kinda went off in the tags I'm so sorry (not really) #oc #Violet #Tav #astarion x tav #bg3 #I know this is about my astarion romance but I'm constantly thinking about violet and halsin also #how quiet and strong their love was #violet and halsins love would be like your parent tucking you into bed after you fell asleep on the couch watching late night tv #but they both knew a romantic relationship would be selfish #theres no way in hell violets monogamous dont get me wrong but they wanted and needed very different things #violet's warlock patron isnt like mizoura but they do have orders and a contract still #so i like to think they have this sadness of what could have been #but also joy for what they both have now especially after the epilogue party #the epilogue gave me so many feelies about them yall I cried #I remember going through Cazadors dungeon and just thinking about the absolute pain violet felt seeing how much astarion was suffering #they wanted to just protect him destroy everything burn it all down anything to make him stop hurting #but they knew he had to face this. and they didn't let him walk away from it #sometimes love is facing the hard things #sometimes its calling your sins by name #but the key is that patience again #you can't force someone to get over their trauma- recovery is not linear #and it doesn't make him any less worthy of love #boys got a lot to unlearn but violets not gonna push him away because of it #they're really fucking proud of him #and I know they're out there finding weirdo artifacts and exploring the shit outta faerun together #Astarion

[lovelyrotter]

yknow i love transmasc/tboy dirk always and forever but the way some ppl treat transmascness vs transfemmeness in HS's narrative........kinda sucks. like the whole thing about how being transfeminine is a literal transient experience and lets the character in question (any character) truly escape the oppression of HS's narrative-as-a-character which is patriarchal and toxic (lord english, hussie-the-character to an extent. i guess. idk ive seen a lotta ppl lump SI-hussie in w/ this), which is great and does hold weight as an analytical lens esp with how hussie irl is nonbinary. but where does this leave transmasc characters. why are we treating (headcanoned) transfemme HS characters like this and then tbh gleefully dooming (headcanoned) transmasc characters to eternal narrative suffering brought by LE and then mocking them for being ''gross tboys'' full of ''icky testorerone'' so its their fault theyre in this perpetual torment really? because they ''''chose to be a man''''? dunno man its starting to feel bad. especially since some bnf's who are really into this fan theory do actually kinda treat the general idea of transmasculinity like somthing to hold with tongs at arms length away from them. as if its alien or infectous or something and then get really mad when equally dysphoric transmascs do the same with feminity. why are we dooming dirk strider to eternal toxic-masculine suffering and what does that say about how we treat real life transmasc folks both in and outside of the fandom

#my t #basically you arent more or less special or deserving of celebration or joy depending on what pronouns you use #and idk yall gender is such a personal thing and your trans experience def does colour the way you look at the world. it def does mine/ours #and i wish ppl on this site would be more honest about that cause holy hell do some of yall treat eachother like dogshit #PURELY on the basis of identity. you are no better than a TERF if you do this. you ARE a TERF if you do this #but like...........can we all at least TRY not to demonize '''the other side''' here #in quotations because theres no '''other side''' in the trans community we're all just trans in different ways #theres just like. yknow #theres a reason why so many tboys and transmasc folks identify with the striders and dirk especially #and theres a reason why *so many* transmascs felt so much joy abt tboy roxy #so many of our lives pre-transition looked and felt like roxy lalondes. so many of us legit forcefully feminized ourselves #bc the alternative was so fucking scary. as you can probably imagine regardless of what flavour of trans you are #theres also a reason why there are so many transmasc fictives named dirk and dave and idk what to tell these ppl abt that #i remember rlly clearly this affectionate joke like a literal decade ago on this site that was like #daves intro dropped and 1mil tboys named dave materialized into existence #dirks intro dropped and 1mil MORE tboys named dirk materialized into existence #i try rlly rlly hard not to get sour at wlw/nblw focused memes that are like #''i made pepsicola better!!! theyre she/theys now :)'' for example #but its getting increasingly harder to ignore when the same ppl who make these memes treat #fans who prefer m/m *bc they themselves are gay* like shit #or like enjoying m/m because theyre mlm is mysogynistic. which it isnt ffs #that shit gives i am uncomfortable when is not about me and i aint here for that #if i were like these ppl maybe id turn all their fave girls into tboys just to spite them #but it wont be just to spite them bc 1) i aint abt that actually. im too fuckin grown for it and 2) #i genuinely just enjoy exploring m/m and masculinity more because i am a trans mlm. its very simple math

[silentalltheseyearsnomore]

In and out of constant crisis... to be expected. Its brutal. SO brutal.

There's a line though, where it is either pain being released and parts processing.. or just retraumatising. And the difference between what makes it one or the other can be so small! And usually to do with if we feel alone or not, connected to S or not, allowed to reach out or not.

Yet we are seeing we survive each time? And it passes. Same with S... we reconnect each time. She doesn't leave.

Today we made a huge leap! An email she sent landed badly. A part wrote a reply, not meanly at all (we never do that and are proud of our ability to communicate these days), but saying how it felt and how upset. But we didn't send... because we knew it wouldn't help. Its how they felt and it was real and valid. But she'd likely feel more defeated and stressed, then we'd feel more disconnected, and the same old cycle. (Also, we figured even IF it was intended how it felt.. we no longer beg for people to understand or care, and that has to be true for her too.) So we didn't send, and instead chose to trust our overall relationship instead of these moments and details.. and just turn up today as unguarded as humanly possible. Which was still hugely guarded lol.

It was SO hard to do. But I am so proud of us. And it went so well. It allowed us both to connect so much quicker and easier and see we are on the same side. We didn't hug her straight away like normal and just hid ourselves not looking at her, but as she started talking and we could hear there weren't bad intentions, we managed to lift a finger up and she reached for it and held our hand. And we were SO proud of us in that moment. It doesn't seem big. But for us it is huge. To be able to reach for connection without going through every detail of what hurt, ask a lot of questions, pick it all through, stay in defense... instead we just listened to how it felt right in that moment. And it allowed us to connect quicker. We made a new choice and it paid off.

She made a comment about us seeming to not want to be there, possibly hating her (kind of jokingly) and we realised that's how it may seem.. like to us it is OBVIOUS we never hate her, always want her. But then to her it is obvious how much she cares etc, and that doesn't mean we always see it. It softened so many protective parts and we looked up and we both smiled and we said of course we don't. It's just all painful. But the pain isn't from her, it's everything before her. And then cuddled in to her. It was so simple in that moment. We are on the same side.

And the whole session was so connecting and simple. Despite the fact we never talked through what happened earlier in the week really.. and despite it being one of the last sessions. It was just simple. The ending of therapy is terrifying but also helping us let go of details and see the big picture. She's SO on our side. We aren't on opposite sides. She's fighting a whole system for us. She's paying for her specialised supervisor she got just for us, even after we arent a client, to help us both through this transition and to help us fight the system as she's a very high up contact. She is thinking everything about this transition through so she doesnt rush things or make mistakes others did. She cares so much. So yeah, she's not perfect, she misses the mark, and she can't be everything we wish she could. But she is a human who wants us in her life and cares deeply and is fighting to get us the right support. We can get lost in all the pain or we can look at how lucky we are to have her.

#s #pls let us remember this #pleaseee can we all stay in this reality more #but honestly! choosing to not pick apart hurts and know that the intentions werent harmful.... so BIG #ofc theres a balance because we cant just let people harm us from good intentions #like k #but looking at the big picture and seeing what really matters #the big picture with k was a lot of harm amongst the love for example #the big picture with s is so much support and care and some mistakes and hurt because we are both human #we could spend the times we have with her pulling apart those mistakes or missings #or we could spend the time feeling connected #like i know its not that simple lol #we never felt we had a choice before #but right now we do!!!!!! #we saw the choice and made it and it was so much better #we need as much comfort and connection and joy as possible right now #and that means maybe just letting some things go #maybe its okay to let mistakes and missings go in safe relationships #maybe shes not going anywhere so if we feel the need to bring something up down the line we can #!!!! #maybe theres no urgency #maybe we can let things go and see how it feels #and if they cant be fully let go we can bring it up at another time #because maybe there is time and space and ???? #wild

[gayvillains]

fuck my stupid gay ass life honestly I'm so tired of bad things happening to my body it's like it a horror film never had an end and just went on forever unresolved and agonising

#my good knee is fucked and I can't bring myself to talk to the gp because the are a million and one things #that are more pressing than this particular issue that I need to speak to them about #at this point I just genuinely hope something kills me #I passed the pointn you'd kill a dog at about 2 years ago and from then on it all just seems farcical to be alive #and I can't even honestly talk to people about my health without getting gaslit about what caused it #I can't remember the last time I felt sincere joy like what's the point the misery is so heavy I'm unbearable to be around #and I don't blame anyone for not wanting anything to do with me because I don't want anything to do with myself either but unfortunately #I am actually stuck in here and I can't get out unless I just end it all

[glitterghost]

brb mourning all the past mutuals/friends/followers that I've had delightful conversations or interactions with, who either have deactivated unbeknownst to me, or have changed their handles since we've last spoke and I may no longer recognize.

#you all make everything ten times better #and my heart hurts when i think of past mutuals i loved talking to dearly #only to find out one day in the past present or future have deactivated #and ill probably never find again #know that i wish you well in everything you do or have done #and my love and support follows you like a trail of ghostly lights making sure you're safe #that all the moments weve shared meant worlds to me and i can only hope they were the same for you #miss you forever and always and tucking away all the sweetest memories into a box to brush off and open sometime down the road #only to think of you fondly once more with a tenderly aching yet loving feeling in my heart and mind #sorry for the lengthy rant but i can remember users who have just dissipated like a mist into what i hope is a better place beyond #i hold those memories like fragile spun glass now #though they felt like cotton candy memories full of lightness & joy & pure undiluted happiness #that is all & now i must take this nostalgia sword out of my heart and press on #all my love #your very own glitterghost #✨️👻

[carrotpiss]

🐰🧡🐻

#in stark contrast to most of my personal posts this is about me being happy and gay #because i need to just get it out my system bc otherwise i am just going to grab a friend by the shoulders and scream (in joy) in their face #i am dating someone and its really really nice and sweet and cute and like nothing ive ever experienced before #and instead its like every tiny little dream about this kind of thing ive managed to hold onto despite every experience otherwise and ahhhh #the lack of focus on just sex or sex appeal is so nice its like there but as a side thing so its nice and i dont feel like an object #i feel like a human person with thoughts and feelings and interests outside if that and feel safe in that and feel safe that everything wont #just be discarded if i dont want to do that like i feel like boundaries and stuff are an option! without jeopardising everything #and el likes me as much as i like them and wants and sees and communicates that they want something long term and ahhhhhhhh #i just want to cry like holy shit this is everything ive ever wondered about like i have spent so long wondering what this feeling would #actually feel like and its so good and so indescribable and ahhhhhhh #waking up on monday night and seeing them in my bed and cuddling me was just so nice i felt wanted i felt... loved #this all seems so out of left field still i still feel like i just never saw it coming but its so welxome and nice and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #my pessimism is still there but its less loud now its more learning to accept this may not be perfect forever but letting me enjoy the now #crouch speaks #it feels so nice to not be scared and to feel secure and ahhh #also it made me laugh El remembered me hitting on then at the Dgoals release show making them blush lol #i only remember the time i hit on them later at the groles show so its funny i pretty much used the same line twice and it still worked #i cant wait to see them again i cant wait to hold hands in public again i cant wait to be idiots who keep blushing too hard and accidentally #kissing eachother on the nose instead of the mouth because we are stupid and gay and pathetic about it hahaha #just ahhhh i could gush forever how perfect the 2!!! dates weve been on were and the fact they want more and more and ahhhhh #this is so lame i know i just haven't experienced anything remotely like this before and its just... wild #like wow holy shit what on earth i have been so increasingly miserablely depressed and insecure from the shea stuff last year and then this #just absolutely removed all of that i actually feel like a human person again with value

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

#now my aunt is in remission... #a lot is happening and i feel the loneliest I've felt since high school #I've only been getting worse since my family denied what i went through and sat there and told me i wasn't probably remembering it correctly #i know what it was like growing up even if it comes back to me in spurts.. #but they really have started to make me doubt myself and its the worse cause they never apologized for the neglect and abuse #and they all took their side and acted like i was mistaken and said “ i never saw it happened do it didn't happen #and now i dont even talk to the only two friends i had cause i dont feel the same #if i don't text them first they never ever message me first or even check on me #and im always the one being there for them and listening to them and im just tired lf it all #i dont want a future anymore and im slowly losing my grip ive held on do tight even at my loneliest and now i feel like im losing #i was never anyone's best friend and everyone of the people ive called friends were always closer to someone else #ive only always had myself but im losing hope for the future and i just feel so extremely empty again #i just want to end this feeling and the weed isnt working anymore and working out doesnt work... i need God ive been so far away from him.. #Im just slowly losing it more and more im tired of being the friend everyone goes to for advice and laughs or enjoyment #im tired of it so much #the only time i feel joy is the bliss i feel when i sleep and even that joy is never truly felt cause i constantly fight my sleep #i only sleep when my body forced it self to cause i can't naturally just go to sleep st s set time anymore.. #im so tired of being people's escape or advice person I'm probably only saying this for the overwhelming feeling #of being a colossal failure and disappointment even so i still try snd try and fail some more #why don't i quit I just dont know why its just something in me that has some glimmer of self hope ive only tried to kms once and failed #maybe ima bit glad i failed but apart of me laughs cause i even failed at kms and find it ironic cause i fail at so many things #im so incapable of salvaging some semblance of normality or consistency #Mr.inconsistent that i am and have been but i refuse to let myself end that way i have to fight for something even in this haze of mine.. #i just want to be better why cant i get better and stay good.. maybe it hurts more than i let on finally speaking of what happened #and for them to deny it may have really affected me a lot snd i am just now seeing it manifest it self now ... #i just gotta live with it and just TRY to do better every single day snd in every single situation snd action i take...

[inejghavertz]

having a moment

#like strictly just ended and it felt like watching layton and nikita filled up my life with such unexpected warmth and joy for a bit and now #it's over and i can't tell how i'm feeling bc no way did i think that i'd be so invested in strictly this year #but i'm turning 24 in about an hour #and i'm just thinking about all the things that have come and gone over the last couple of years #like how i started off on here as a chelsea blog and how i barely post about them anymore #and how i haven't posted about lewis or ef uno in a while after having been so invested for the last couple of years #like wow things really just come and go and ebb and flow like this #i'm getting older and i don't know where i'm going or what kind of things will be coming into my life #but i hope they are warm #bc even with all the stress that sports and fandom have brought me there was warmth and joy and lots of love and i remember it #i don't want to grow up #but i will #and i will make it something good

[todayisafridaynight]

still thinking about how my friend said my dad looked like a yakuza last night like 😭😭 ??

#snap chats #i was showing her a pic i took of him when i saw him last month and she was just like #'oh he looks like a yakuza guy' HUH ??? like he is as tall as a typical rgg chara and ik i joke bout my dad lookin like daigo-- #NO BUT THEN I SHOW HER A PIC /OF/ DAIGO AND SHES LIKE 'i dont see it' ?????????? LIKE SURE MY DADS BALD BUT #THAT THE CLOSEST COMPARISON you mkae no sense girl #its so funny she thinks my life revolves around yakuza And It Does but its so funny when she tries to equate stuff to it #like that event i went to last night was an ornament painting one and she was like #'oh why dont you make a yakuza ornament :) like uhhh arakawa and uhhhh that other guy' #FIRST OFF SHE STILL DOESNT REMEMBER SAWASHRIOVELKRVEJ BUT ALSO WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN #i mean lowkey in retrospect i could have made an arakawa family ornament but not the point #the point is my life isnt JUST YAKUZA KAYLA SHUT UP ????? LOL #i appreciate it tho. shes trying. /would be great if we finished y7 one day/ #on that note. can i share the absolute joy i felt last night #like i said her favorite streamer's name is joe but we were hanging with a friend who didnt know about This Joe Guy #and so when my friend started talking about him the other friend was earnestly just 'who's joe' #and i have never felt such joy in saying 'joe mama' I HAD BEEN WAITING MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR THAT MOMENT #ITS LIKE WHEN I GOT UPDOG TO WORK ON MY OLD FRIEND LIKE PLEAAASE I DONT CARE IF ITS A DUMB JOKE #IM DUMB AND I LOVE DUMB JOKES i was so happy. the purest joy i felt ever #ok bye i guess i should get ready for class

[baura-bear]

I still haven’t deleted the email or tab with my tickets to newsies (the performances were on march 3/4) I think something is wrong with me

#will I be deleting them anytime soon? no #everytime I see them I remember what it felt like to feel joy #newsies #uksies #newsies uk

[cashmere-caveman]

rewatching being human in my twenties and after getting my brain thorougly scrambled by various things both in my personal life and the media ive discovered in the years in between is so funny bc back when i was an angsty fourteen year old i was like "oh my god they were in love and all was well but then it Turned Bad OHMYGOD i love tragedy"

and now i am older than both annie and mitchell were at their points of death and i am steadily approaching george's age and now i do stuff like look for motifs and patterns etc instead of just going "oh wow all of these ppl are so hot i am definitely bisexual" (even tho i still do that. do not be deceived.) bc i am now Older Smarter and Wiser and i just fucking love picking things apart at the seams to see the scaffolding holding up the theatre stage and make myself violently ill about it but at the bottom of it all behind all the ways in which i am telling myself that i am so much more chill about everything this time around it is actually Worse and i just think that is so funny

me and my teenage self are just holding hands juming up and down in the living room and screaming "can you fucking believe it oh my god they were in love and all was well but then!!! it Turned Bad!!!! OHMYGOD i love tragedy :D" and honestly i fucking love that! i love revisiting old fandoms and realizing not only is the love i had for this story still here but since i last visited it has festered and grown and now i actually have so many more ways to express it like!!!!! babes!!!!! isnt it FUN!!!!

#cavetext #genuinely it brings me so much joy to dive into things that i feel like i was very cringe about as a teen #and just enjoying them wholeheartedly on purpose w new fervor #hell yes i was right to love this back then and even though i might see more of the flaws this time around #i also feel like i am able to find new aspects and angles of appreciation that sort of unlocked w becoming older as u learn and live #and it is so interesting to see my younger self again bc i remember how i felt abt this the first time around #and it is so cool to map out wht has changed and what has stayed the same not just abt the ways in which i perceive a piece of media #but also about myself! how have i grown and changed from the person i was back then and what is still as it was? #something something making peace and friends w ur inner child etc etc. i love rewatching. to quote that one poem: i love u. im glad i exist #is this coherent? it doesnt matter babey! this is abt joy and being glad to be alive and loving media abt tragic codepentent friendgroups! #anyway i needed to be asleep literally yesterday im busy these ides of march!!!!! anyone reading this: mwah! i love u stranger! goodnight<3

[descendantofthesparrow]

not me having two weird ass dreams last night

both were about thomas doherty (well, the 2nd one was technically thanks to him being the face claim)

#okay so tag rant/story time #oh so-i had a tommy dream last night-not like-weird or anything #but-i was at like-disneyland wearing a red suit thing-like one of my harry suits ive designed #and then-one of my friends im with(i think my friend jazzy) starts hitting my arm and points behind me- #and theres thomas fucking doherty wearing teh same fucking suit #so i have a full on joy/panic breakdown and he noticies me due to it #and comes over with a stupid smile and says hey we match! with me fucking trying to disapear into a plantbed #there was more to it but thats what i remember vividly #and then i had a jtk dream too but that ones lowkey spicy sooo XD #i mostly remember sitting on a couch with him like-halfway on me sitting next to someone and then bru kissses me with whole ass tounge and #bruuuuuuua it felt so fuckign real like-i was gettign hot n shit #it stopped there but i woke up like DAMN #JEFF CAN KISS #XDXD im sorry if im being tmi but i had to share