#really dont feel like you have to pay for it

[notedchampagne]

Honestly i also think that a lot of the romanticization of Ianthe vs infantilization/fear mongering of harrowhark is also that like... We don't really get to see Ianthe suffer the nastier parts of shit mental health. Like, we know she cries to sleep, for like a line or two, but we're not pressed against her intimacies and the inside of her head (hehehe pun intended) like we are with harrow.

It's easy to infantilize Harrowhark because we get to see her struggling, we get to see the thought processes that lead to her lashing out, we get to see her suffering through. Well, basically everything, more than we see her putting on the dignity, and even when we do, we generally get to see the lead up, or we are with someone who responds in kind (thanks gideon).

With Ianthe we basically *only* get the facade, even when the Issues Are Blatant, and even if when she lashes out she does her utmost best to seem in control, much like harrow. The other characters do Not Give A Shit, so neither do we, as readers, feel naturally inclined to it.

Plus like. I might be reaching, but sometimes i feel like tlt fandom needs a character to be "pathetic", or to suffer, in order to... Idk how to word this bc englishs not my first language, but essentially pay penance? In the fandom I see a lot of people who feel Uncomfortable recalling their fave did bad shit, and like, needing to either justify it for themselves or others by going "oh look how she suffers", essentially infantilizing their characters so they don't have to acknowledge the worst edges, which is a choice, I guess. They not only do this with Harrowhark, but also with Gideon, Pyrrha, Mercymorn, etc.

They also do the opposite, by rejecting the possibility of suffering for characters they consider evil, most notably with John. It's not possible for them to be over their heads, or for them to have made a mistake. Either they were deliberately planning it, or they deserved it somehow, or their actions *later* meant they retroactively deserved it, and may be pointed as the cause for it happening.

Which is... Uncomfortable, to say the least, even if I'm only latine.

anyways. TDLR: People should just say they look really fucking cool dripping with blood and determined. At this point ill even take an I support women's wrongs/woman's right to murder or whatever

Sorry for going in a tangent on your askbox or of this doesnt make sense its like nearly two am and i cant sleep

this is very real and leans into what ive observed in fandom as well! tlt is a house party full of morally gray characters but i feel like when we are panicked to discuss someone being "evil" or otherwise the two closest avenues are infantilization/reduction (i can fix him, theyre pathetic they cant do anything right im protecting them) or full villainy (i like them Because theyre evil, irredeemable, they deserved it so i dont care)

hope you sleep soon

#talking back

[gwiyeounsonyeon]

Pour Your Drink (And We'll Talk It Over)

Pairing: Awkward! Timothee x Oblivious! Male(intended) Reader Summary: Reader and Timothee have been fighting over the same seat in a local coffee shop for months... Words: 454/500, it's not my goal but it's close, and why ruin something good striving for something better? Warnings: Cute, Fluff Notes: surprise surprise I actually like this. CAN BE READ AS ANYONE ELSE

⋆˚✿˖°☕︎ ⋆˚✿˖°

☕︎The last few months were odd to say the least. In your entire life, not once have you ever had a long-term experience quite like this one. Sure, there had been a few times in high school when that one kid stole your seat but you were just kids then. Logically, you know the 'adult' thing to do would be to fuck off and find a new seat, but you're a weirdo, you hold onto the things you like and the things that comfort you, so why couldn't this guy just take your advice, fuck off and find a new seat?

☕︎You dont realize you're staring at him, sitting in your seat, through the big window of your favorite coffee shop until he locks eyes with you. The surprised questioning look on his face is enough to snap you out of your thoughts. You turn on your heel and speed walk into the shop hoping you can just get your coffee and not have to wait, but luck is never on your side.

☕︎You're forced to stand there like a moron behind the three people in line, who all seem determined to take up the entire morning just looking at the menu like they've never seen the English language in their life. You fidget awkwardly, feeling his eyes bore into the back of your head, having to physically stop yourself from looking over at him multiple times, too awkward to be confronted about your weird staring. 

☕︎When you finally make it to the front of the line the young barista smiles at you, and without you ordering she recites your total. You should probably do something different, switch up your usual routine, maybe get something healthier for your gut, but the thought of deviating from your comforting habits for something that might not even be worth it is more vexing than the guy you were staring down coming up next to you to pay for your drink. 

☕︎Rightfully so, you startle and gawk at him but he just smiles and scratches the back of his head awkwardly. You might be hallucinating, and if it didn't look totally insane you probably would have pinched yourself. You blink and sure enough, the guy's cheeks are turning pink. His lips move like he's speaking but the noise doesn't register and you're left standing there like an idiot because wow this guy is actually really cute and suddenly your throat feels dry and your ears are ringing and your palms are sweating. 

☕︎You're snapped out of your trance-like state when the barista calls your name, your movements blur as you grab your drink, thank the cute guy, and then scamper from the shop blushing like a madman.

#x male reader #timothee chalamet #timothée chalamet #timothee chalamet x male reader #timothée chalamet x male reader #timothee chalamet x reader #timothée chalamet x reader

[starsoftheeye]

TMAGP Live Reaction - Ep 13

This probably won't be a regular thing since I usually listen to the new episodes on my way home from school, but I wanted to do it today and no-one can stop me

Pre-Episode

Aw this dedication is so nice, reminds me of how I used to sign off on social media when I was younger

Pre-Statement

omg samcelia date samcelia date

they're so cute omg

"she also said that you dont know how cute you are" alice dyer youre not fooling anyone

i wanna hear what this interaction sounded like between alice and celia

"nobody, i'm mysterious" this isnt gonna come back to haunt us im sure

omg samcelia dating reveal already

JACKS HER SON OMG

"wild couple of years after i moved here" does this mean that celias way of coping with being dropped in a different universe was to just fuck... iconic

either that or jack got brought along with her and shes just covering it up. or jack has some mysterious origins that we dont know about

omg a horror protagonists with loving, alive parents wow

i was not expecting sam to be this relatable oh no

sam :(

oh no an "incident"

alice :(

i love celia just being "i know we're on a date and thats great and all but what do you think about the Horrors"

ofc you know theyre real you lived through the apocalypse

ah hello lena and gwen

ah gwen is learning about the consequences of delivering a random address to a living mr blobby knockoff

ooh are we gonna get some exposition

yes we are

these are our Fears i presume

you work in the government responsible for discarding peoples experiences and traumas gwen you werent exactly one of the good guys to begin with

guys i dont think shes gonna sort it

Statement

hold music?? hello?? do we recognise this voice?? needles??

i cannot understand what the name of this company is but i do not like them

the autoresponder sounds so cunty who are they i must know

oooh a scottish guy we love a scottish guy

"i pay your wages" sounding ass. telling the autoresponder that youre the highest investor in a gambling app isnt the flex you think it is dude

i think if a website that directly involves the handling of your money does "weird background checks" and has a "janky interface", staying is less of a feat of loyalty and more a feat of stupidity

oh this guy does nfts for sure

are you allowed to blame the warning you didnt listen to for the consequences?

oh his friends suck too

damn all jokes aside i feel bad for this dude

ohhh so is this like the dice where things can only get so good before they go terribly? or is it like a "when your life gets bad your money goes up" thing

ah its the second option

tbf if its not against the law its not against the law

this guy is the definition of "20 pounds is 20 pounds"

suddenly i dont feel as sorry for this guy

i have a sneaking suspicion that this guy did not get his money

oh nevermind

OOOOOOH NEVERMIND THAT NEVERMIND

huh

HUH

DID THEY SEND A CREATURE TO GET HIM WHAT

Post-Statement

Alice!!

Ooooh he got pished

Alice really out here dissing every kind of date I've ever been on

oh no :(

sam no :(

sam apologise please

shes right tho youre in the wrong place if you don't want weird

alice :(

this is why a polycule would fix everything

alice i love you

sam i love you but you deserved that

#tmagp #the magnus protocol #samama khalid #celia ripley #alice dyer #gwendolyn bouchard #lena kelley #tmagp spoilers #tmagp reaction

[theosconfessions]

The Miscellaneous questions for River and his man/child, i mean husband.

i actually loled haha!! thank you for asking, love.

MISCELLANEOUS: Is money a problem? River: its not. i think we're lucky that blake got drafted and makes a good amount of money playing football. we literally got married while we were still in high school and a good majority of kids that do that are NOT in the same position we're in right now.

How many cars do they own?

Blake: we own two. one for riv to take the kids around when im not home and one for me to take to practice/games all that stuff.

Do they own their home or do they rent?

Blake: DUDEEEE if my apartment couldve magically grown with every kid we had ..then i would still be renting. good memories in that place

River: better memories in a place where we actually have room for kids..and me.

Do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside?

Blake: we're balls deep in suburbia right now. his parents live out in the country and FUCK I WANT IT SO BAD.

Do they live in the city or in the country?

River: suburbs ..for now.

Do they enjoy their surroundings? River: i was fucking DYING in that apartment. i think having the house kinda gives me space so i dont really necessarily feel like im suffocating.

Blake: you feel like your suffocating?

River: in your man cave apartment i did yeah.

What’s their song? Blake: i gotta do it' so high school'-taylor swift

What do they do when they’re away from each other? River: we dont constantly text eachother but little pics through the day i think. gives us time to be you know separate people and lets us enjoy whatever we're doing at the moment without being glued to our phone all the time.

Blake: i demand sexy riv pics every night im away [smirks]

River: demands a strong word.

Blake: you know what i mean. i APPRECIATE sexy riv pics every night.

River: dude. looking like a douchebag.

Where did they first meet? Blake: we went to school together [smirks] friends first.

How did they first meet? Blake: we were in the same gym class and he fucking PELTED me with a dodgeball man. love at first sight. for me.

Who spends the most money when out shopping? Blake : *points to riv*

River: treats.

Who’s more likely to flash their assets? River: oh my god blake. he does it during games. FINED ALL OF THE TIME.

Blake: worth it [smirks]

Who finds it amusing when the other trips over? River: me. hes not coordinated at all. youd think he would be but....

Any mental issues? Blake: oh god yeah. i mean...

River: i have depression. the past years been kinda.. i dont know. but i am doing better. im getting better

Blake: my boy.

Who’s terrified of bugs? River: i think both of us? fuck that shit.

Who kills the spiders around the house? Blake: Nellie

River: definitely Nellie.

Their favourite place? Blake: [smirks] theres this little ranch up in chestnut ridge. i love taking him there. just me him. no kids.

River:thats a good place [smirks]

Who pays the bills? Blake [raises hand] and proud of that shit

Do they have any fears for their future? River: i think that...we went through a lot of rough stuff in our separation and i just..do not want to go through that again. i think we're on a good path right now and i want to stay on that path

Blake: i think what riv said yeah. the last thing we both wanted when we were having problems was a divorce. and its something i do not want. i guess thats my fear for my future. i just wanna be good for him. i know i wasnt in the past.im trying to be now.

Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? Blake: me for SURE.

Who uses up all of the hot water? Blake: again me for SURE. but he can crash the shower whenever

River: me time,babe.

Who’s the tallest? Blake: me. rivers a short shit.

Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? River:thats definitely blake. i LOVE showering alone but hey.

Blake: wont turn down that DICK.

River: gross.

Who wanders around in their underwear? River: [points to blake] he hasnt learned.

Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? Blake: River for sure.he has a pretty voice though. love to hear that shit.

What do they tease each other about? River: i like to tease him over how much of a pussy he was for me back in our first starting dating days

Blake: i cried after we fucked for the first time. for real. and id do it again.

Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? River: me. blakes taste is .....

Do they have mutual friends? River: not anymore.

Who crushed first? Blake: oh me for sure. unless riv is about to say something i didnt know

River: i never really considered that AT ALL until you kissed me that one day. you werent on my radar at all i was so into my girlfriend at the time

Blake:until ....

Any alcohol or substance related problems? River: no we both quit that stuff when teddie came along.

Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? Blake: we are good boys [smirks]

Who swears the most?

River: i think me and its purely because of my dads influence i swear to god.

#the stephens continued #river stephens #blake donovan #asks

[orphetoon]

since people liked my mitski + totk art im morally obligated to show yall my botw mitski comic

it’s available here, its pwyw with includes a whole total of free if u just want to see it

#botw #loz #link loz #breath of the wild #i made this like over a year ago #dont judge it too harshly #also its only on kofi bc if i posted it on like twitter or smth #the images would compress #orphe’s art #really dont feel like you have to pay for it

[magnolia-sunrise]

the halloween special, i mean, Medieval AU continues>> the arrival of the grievously wounded Kingsguard disrupts Bastien's very isolated, very drunk rural village life - but in much different way than he expected. somehow, miraculously, Wolfgang slowly recovers, and the two of them spend many evenings sharing wine and stories by the fireside, finding each other to be pleasant company.

but how long will the vampire be able to resist the call of the priest's blood >:3

#oc art #original characters #art #sketch #medieval au #wolfgang #bastien #wolfien #comics #god this turned into such a meme fsifjs please i hope you enjoy #i had way too much fun sketching these #next time we will find out what happened in Week 3 #to give you more context about bastiens little life he had plans of rising through the ranks and becoming a respected and rich bishop #instead he ends up assigned to a fuck off village in the south where the people dont really like him and he doesnt really like them #he spends his days tending to the few animals he keeps and tending to his shitty wine #when a knight comes knocking on his door hes like fuck. its the cops and they finally realized we havent been paying taxes #luckily for him this particular knight is in worse trouble than his whole village #i never know how much people want to know so i try to write succint posts but i have Lore for each of these interactions. feel free to ask

[thenixkat]

nnnn my oven has been turning itself off every time I try to cook something for the past 2 days. I have no idea how to even begin diagnosing shit or even how to find the air vents and shit since its embedded into a wall.

I do not want to replace another major appliance in this damn house

#nix meows #that feel when you have no idea how long yer gonna be allowed to live somewhere #b/c you have nothing other than a verbal agreement with someone who's stated they don't like you #and would kick you out if not for what a deceased common relative would have wanted #has threatened to kick you out over the fucking grass getting too tall b/c you didn't have the fucking money to hire someone to cut it #and has you be the one paying off the $6000+ loan for the new water heater for the place that could take #litterally over a decade for me to pay off #i dont want to spend several hundred more on the oven #i dont really have that kind of money like I have zero savings and am living paycheck to pay check

[lovesickeros]

mayhaps I may one too many jokes about sagau characters rigging my pulls because this is getting ridiculous now..

#I am literally at a loss for words THIS CANNOT BE REAL?????? #I feel like ive finally lost it. no words to describe the absolute devastation i felt upon seeing her on my screen AGAIN #SHES BEEN HAUNTING ME FOR YEARS #I rerolled for her and venti at launch and this is the price i pay for benching her. she ruins my 50/50s and other pulls. #80 pity. for the record. on the dot. exactly #on standard. #no tighnari or dehya or like #anyone new. no #c8 jean. for the record. my highest con besides her? c2 diluc & c2 cyno. #do you understand. C2. MY JEAN IS C8. #made one too many jokes but i dont think its a joke anymore this is literally not even funny HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN #am i really lucky to only ever jean in pulls or really unlucky to get only one character bc the chances of that have got to be like #impossible #will this woman ever stop haunting me??? I am leaning towards no. #hoyo needs to pay for my therapy after this #also yeah i blocked out my uid i dont wanna be percieved as real 🏃‍♂️

[darehearts]

morning,  hope you all have a good week  !  i got sick again...  and rl issues on top is not a good vibe.  i will dip until i can gather myself.  take care bbs  ♡♡♡

#i really am just in a dead inside /oh well/ state mainly bc i did #all in my power to prevent things from happening and at this #point i'm like-- maybe it's okay not to have a good time once #a while. while deep down knowing i dont deserve to keep #paying up literally and figuratively for other people's actions #like this. wyd. maybe i'll do some ic things just to get my #mind off things-- if i feel well enough to do so at any point #anyway sending lots of love to you babes! #tbd #vent tw #sickness tw

[ominouspositivity-or-else]

i think one of my professors has realized that many of the students he teaches think he's a bit of a hardass. i feel so bad. he's genuinely such a sweetheart. he's spent the last two classes dropping comments like "please don't think i'm a sadist. if you're doing this project and thinking 'this is inhumane, but you know Dr. M', please, just come talk to me." like wtf i need to give a speech about how great a guy he is???? i genuinely need to give a persuasive speech about how fun his classes are??? like he's a pain at times and a tough grader but look at me. look at me. he's so reasonable. he has high expectations for everybody evenly. I got a 78 on a final that i thought i absolutely flunked okay? he's reasonable and he's funny in the driest way! it's not nice for people to think he's MEAN. he's not!!! he's just an awkward english professor!!!! be NICE to him FROM NOW ON!!!!

#psychoanalyzing my professor #i think it's getting to him #and i feel horrible #because the first semester i had him i literally thought he was so evil #he's NOT #in fact he's way less evil than a professor everybody likes because he's way more comfy talking to a class #dr m is NOT comfy with public speaking but genuinely he's so nice #he's a tough grader but do you know what he doesn't do???? #expect more than you can give!!! #he wants everything from you but when you give everything its gonna be FINE!!! #and yeah on the tests and stuff he wants what he says repeated back to him but if you pay attention and think clearly about it its going to #dont give him more than exactly what he asks for #only bs if you have no clue whatsoever #you'll do FINE #lowest grade i've gotten on a test from him was a B- #and like. im proud of that!!! #Also when he wants things he's really good at explaining what it is he wants to see #also he's so insanely smart it scares me #anyways #there are many benefits to attending a catholic college

[the-real-list-of-ominous-threats]

What if i turned into a tumblr sexyman. what then

#i know you guys don't know what i look like but please draw me as a tumblr sexyman #im begging you please it would be cool #you dont. like. have to though #i can't pay you #so only do it if you feel like it #(if you look REALLY far back you actually will see a few pictures of me though) #read the tags

[fitzrove]

Ooh btw when I went out with my friends the other night we were waiting for a bus at one point. An extremely pretty girl was waiting for it a few metres away from us... I noticed her existing as you do pretty girls when you are a Homosexual (🫣) but was mostly focused on talking to my friends and stuff. Well suddenly she came up to us and I noticed she was actually kinda crying (!! 🥺) and asked if any of us had a tissue. I am always prepared esp fresh off my sneezy Vienna trip, so I gave her a plastic-wrapped pack, unopened and all... she was very grateful (asking if she could really keep it all - I said it was fine and even got to use the tdv sarah "you can have it, i've got two" line because I did have two hehehe success everyone inside my brain clapped) but she struggled to open it because long acrylic nails! So I offered to help again and she gave it back to me and our fingers brushed a bit and I tore the plastic cover open with my long short-nailed sexy lesbian fingers 😌 and gave it back hehe.

Anyway I feel like this all would've been a queercoded metaphor if it was fictional but because it's real life we went our separate ways never to meet again 😌 but I was still kind of thinking about her at the club 🥹 and when we were taking the train home with my friend at 5:50 am I was kind of talking about her JSKFLDLFLFL omg kinda creepy tbh esp since I wasn't even drunk 💀 Well my friend was drunk so maybe she already forgot about it. I hope that girl is less sad now and believes in the good in humanity 😌❤️

#🤣🤣🤣 this is what you hyperfixate on when you're too mentally ill to meet people for dates sjkdkdlflf #that and straight girls 💀 there is a cute straight girl in my programme that's very touchy (maybe because she's french) and this week #her cute straight friend (well she has a bf but i'm assuming straight lmao) was visiting her 😭😂😂😂 #i talked to her for like an hour about castles and the cote d'azur 😌 #also omg not to return to the tissues and this is tmi but my ex gf also gave me one of those plastic packs at least once 😭 akdkdlld #(i dont remember if it was because i was sick or if it was when we broke up and i was crying 💀 it was nice either way 🥺) #so um yeah i guess i was just paying forward good gay karma 😌😌 #akdkdldllf idk being undercover gay is weird. i think its nice to be able to interact w girls and not have them assume ulterior motives #(which i dont really have... like if i'm white knighting i'm just doing it for my own satisfaction/enjoyment 💀😭😂) #but yeah i feel like straight girls you just met will interact w you in a girl talk way and then you're secretly a bit into them whoops 🤡🤣 #personal #ramble

[sophiethewitch1]

in my hater era

#sophie speaks #tw vent #like. what. what??? #i do try not to upset anyone with trauma dumping or whatever but sometimes that bites me in the ass because people assume I'm not strugglin #struggling hugely #had one of my most violent meltdowns ever recently and it was after pushing myself to do something #and you know. thats on me #but saying like #im NOT trying?? #i dont want to start any problems but oh my GOD what do you think being sick constantly does to a person #what??? #trying to be a proper adult here but i am quite upset #idk how are you supposed to deal with shit like this #express this has upset you and that you are having a hard time #but then they dont believe you?? #trauma dump it is. hope you enjoy my psychiatrists notes #like im level 2 support needs autistic. i need a little fucking leeway or i genuinely try to kill myself #i KNOW its pathetic i KNOW its weak but my number one priority is keep myself alive #im so tired #ive been suicidal for like 7 years now #my life sucks so incredibly hard and I'm in constant pain and that just #it doesnt make me willing to deal with this shit #cripplepunk core lmao #cripple and im going to kill you #this is just geniunely upsetting #i feel like i need a good cry #i really am so tired #i feel like i just dont want to do this #why am i paying for this? why am i doing this? #if im not enjoying this why the fuck would i do it

[arts-i-enjoy]

AHHHHHH

#this post brought to you by: me #i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses #i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP #like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready #anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT #and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk #and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message #even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL #AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!! #i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year #i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17? #ive had a good well paying job since i was 18. #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job #which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind #so theres no point staying here. #i might never have this kind of job security again. #but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something #on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now #on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT #but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to #richard started yelling and swearing el oh el #might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible? #but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option #the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going #idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks #this is why i want to get out of here #also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about #not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey! #if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!

[orcelito]

Thinking about using the journal I got for writing my dad's eulogy for trying to process my grief with it. The letter from me I found in his lockbox is still in that front sleeve, along with one of the memorial folders they had at the funeral.

I think I don't want to write it all on here. I think I've talked about my emotions too much as of late.

#speculation nation #negative/ #kind of. i guess. #the thing about grief is that it really just never ends. #so im done with the funeral. the time is over. here i am. hes dead. im alive. time to move on. #but it's not that simple. of course it's not. #but would my followers who followed me just for my writing even Care? #honestly surprised i havent lost more followers. or any? idk i havent been paying much attention to numbers #but i know it hasnt really gone down much if at all #i just feel. like im not the person that people initially followed. #and i dont know when im going to be that person again. #there's no enthusing here. anytime im making text posts it's about The Situation. #i wonder how evident my grief is to you all. i feel it in my every breath. #i havent been working yet i feel weak. it's hard to feel much at all. #either im existing and im helping with packing or im crying again bc i remembered my dad cant help me pick out a car now #(in the Vaguely In The Future me buying a used car idea. for after i get my license. whenever that is.) #or im crying bc of jackets or colognes or a letter in a lockbox or a stupid minions hat picture in a too-big frame #or laughing bc Dad In A Bag (his ashes are downstairs. im far too unbothered by their presence) #ive been having an... okay time. we watched Dune today and i started building a lego set. it was nice. #but im only ever Okay. emotions hard to access. interests certainly not accessible. #making it hard to be creative at all. im literally only going through the motions here. #theres no heart. i left it behind when i got that 2 am call and had to rush to the hospital to watch my dad die. #i left it behind when i touched his cold arm for the last time. when i walked out of that room & knew id never see him again. #i know a week is still far too soon to be over it. but im sick of feeling this way. #it still doesnt feel real. feels like im following the bad end route just to see. i should still be able to reload my past save. #but this is my life now. forever until the end. out of nowhere hes dead and hes never coming back #and it's just really fucking hard to care about just about Anything else right now. #i prommy im gonna use the journal next time i get the urge to vent about this. im sick of this crap too.

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

So yeah avoiding my phone didn't work and also meant I sat on the kitchen floor staring into space for about 3 hours before Alfie woke up but hey at least I didn't break anything

Them being around is helping a little but they're also struggling and it fuckin sucks bc I know we're both just. Rotating money stress in our minds

#like. i went out earlier to get bread #just bread bc we cant afford anything else #got just enough in the bank to cover the work thing but since management stjll hasnt gotten back to me on HOW to pay it its like #our electricity is already in debt lol it has a thing where you can go £10 into debt before it switches off #and it usually wont switch off over weekends #presumably bc all but 1 places nearby thst we can top it up at are shut on weekends but anyway #so we're like. okay. it MIGHT last today and if it does thst SHOULD mean itll last till monday. #but then itll be at least a tenner in debt #then we only have to last till thursday but its. do we keep this money thats for The Thing that is once again unclear on how urgent it is #or do we spend it on the Soon To Be Immdiately Urgent thing #and thats not even CONSIDERING food lmao we. i got 2 loaves of bread so we can at least survive on toast for a few days #we got 3 maybe 4 meals worth of stuff still in the kitchen #like...at this point i dont even care if i have to go a few days without eating at all to make it to thursday but its. #its so fucked up those are the terms im thinking in #and this isnt asking for more donations i really cannot take that today im at the fuckin bottom of my barrel #and already feel hopeless and useless and an active drain to everything around me #but its. like. how. why. why is it still like this. why is it looking extremely unlikely its ever gonna change. #whats the point if its all for a few scattered handful hours of actual peace and comfort never mind happiness #tldr yes i am once again suicidal but small s #like in the sense of i would feel immense relief if a truck came at me on my way to work tomorrow and would not step out of the way but #dont have it in me to actually consciously act upon