#probably that's part of the reason im so scared of being myself and shit

[hzrnvm]

emotional. happy, pissed off, all that.

#hzrn #im cool with being annoying hypothetically but the real kicker is that no form of communication exists that i can really use comfortably #every single form of communication out there. i can't use it. i can't fuckin talk bc the sounds are too hard. #i can't fuckin type bc the buttons are too hard. #i can't fucking body and hands bc motions are too hard. #i can't fucking art because art involves all those things. #damn fucking WORDS are too hard. i put so much work into them and i get nothing. nothing! #who made the world this way?! why is it that all communication and socialization is so. fucking. hard!!!! #i tried! i really really fuckin tried man! all last year i tried so so hard. #i fell FLAT on my face. NO ONE liked me. they called me a retard! they said i was scary‚ awkward‚ hard to be around! #they did coordinated social attacks on me! then when i come back to school this year and i even *think* about trying again‚ they say #'nobody wants him here. and he should stop caring' #well right about then‚ is where she gives up! she has closed her eyes‚ she has given up hope! #i gave up trying to exist socially at school. the two paths are being myself and getting bullied‚ or not being myself and getting nothing #today was a good day for me all in all but idk. #the only reason i dont hold grudges like crazy is because of my object impermanence shit #although this might as well count as a grudge. i think it's somewhat justified though‚ because in my case it's more like #if you hurt me seriously then i'll think about it pervasively until you do something to redeem yourself in my mind. #probably that's part of the reason im so scared of being myself and shit #this is probably the reason why im so scared of being myself. bc everytime i tried i got bullied‚ mocked‚ demeaned. and that shit piles up. #i just spend mosta my time not thinking about it! just like i spend mosta my time not thinking about who i am‚ my future‚ my past and on! #siiiigh. sigh sigh siiiiiiiiigh #it's ok to like this post by the way #in fact it's encouraged. im directly and clearly asking you to. #im not making this post for nothing. im making it in the hopes that someone will read what i said. #although really no one will. why the hell would anyone fucking read this. get fuckin real. #i know for certain i'll wake up tmrw with this at at maximum like. 1 like. 2 if im really the luckiest girl in the world. #and i know how i sound caring about likes and shit. but really all it tells me is someone read this. and i really fuckin need someone to re

[greasyghosts]

❝ When they come home late and injured ❞

Featuring: Dazai, Kunikida, and Atsushi

C/w: wounds, gashes, ect. Alcohol, slight angst in dazais, stab mentions, swearing, use of bella/belladonna in dazais part. Blood mentions. (Let me know if I missed anything!) Not entirely proof read

A/n: This was written at 3am, so I apologize if it's horrid lol (I typically hate using y/n, but.. I couldn't figure anything else to use for some characters. If you have any suggestions, please leave them in the comments!)

!please don't repost, plagiarize, or copy my work ♡

Dazai:

He gotten injured SO many times so you're probably used to it, nevertheless still massively scared about him

You expect him to come late, but tonight he came back EXTREMELY late, probably into the next day.. I'm talking 3-4am

it's probably because afterward he had a drink at Lupin and probably fell asleep there, lol

Sometimes you slip his mind cause he's just used to coming home injured and alone

But when he finally comes home, the alcohol has worn off on him, and he realizes, "Oh.. shit"

He feels bad, but he may try to make light of it.

When you turn the light on him and he sees your swollen eyes, your red nose, and patches of pink on your cheeks.. God does he feel horrible now.

He enters your shared apartment, sighing as he removes his bloodied coat.

"Belllaaaa" he called, not even expecting you to be awake

But to his surprise you come running to the door

"Osamu-!" You say as you immediately wrap him in a hug, in which he hisses in pain

You move back, finally realizing the wound on his waist

You sigh as you practically force him into the bathroom

"Belladonna.. I can take care of then myself" he tries to take the first aid kit before you do but you beat him to it, turning your face to look at him

And then he notices...

God does it hurt his heart

"Then you should've taken care of them before you had gotten home practically drunk. Yeah, Dazai, I can smell the beer on you." You practically snapped

All he could do was stare at you sympathetically, he knew you were right to be upset.

So he just sits on the closed toilet and lifts his shirt, letting you do the work

"Im.. sorry, love." You look up at him

"What happened..?" You tried to lighten the mood

He'd chuckle in recollection

"I got stabbed" he'd say through a cocky smile

Your face completely read 'what the actual Ffff-...."

He seemed to wear it like a medal

"You saw it coming though.. I know you can predict these things" your voice showed no signs of venom, just exhaustion

"Why do you keep letting yourself get hurt, Dazai?"

When you look up at him, his brows are furrowed, and his head is resting on his hand.

"I truly didn't see it coming, bella. I'm sorry I made you wait so long, and that I got you worried. " his voice was sincere, so you sighed and got up.

"Cmon Osamu.. I'm tired. " You'd pull on his arm, which in return you got a chuckle and a hug from him

"I love you, bella" he cooed. But as he was sort of suffocating you in his chest, the best you could say was a muffled "I love you too, NOW LET ME BREATHE"

Kunikida:

Let's be fr, this man would not let himself be late. Even if he's injured.

But let's just say there was an extremely rare instance where he was (max would probably be 30 minutes ☠️)

He'd come home, calling your name. He probably texted you beforehand

His arm tied up in a random piece of cloth to hold pressure on his wound

He'd see all the lights were on and you cooking something

God, this man is in love with you. When he sees your face, he immediately smiles

Of course, he'd decline when you offer to properly dress his wound, but you'd manage to take care of it anyway

When you heard his keys click against the door as he unlocked the door to your home, you ran up to meet him.

"Kuni!" You jumped into his arms

His lips immediately curl into a smile

"Hello, Y/N, I hope you got my text?" He asked

You'd nod, that being the reason you even started making a meal for him

As he filled you in on what happened at the ADA your eyes drift to his left arm and see the bloody cloth surrounding a wound

"Ughh, Kunikida you should let me dress that for you.." You started unbuttoning his top so that you could reach the area

Shaking his head a bit before he spoke

"No, dear you've already done so much, I'm perfectly capable of doing it"

Then you just sigh as you drag him into the bathroom to take care of it for him, afterwards enjoying a comfy meal together.

Atsushi:

He's literally wanted by so many people it's hard to think he won't get injured

And if he does, the only time he wouldn't call to say if he was coming home was if his phone was either down or broken and he had no change for a payphone

When he'd come home, he'd probably be too tired to say something and would let his head fall on your shoulders as you tended to it

If you give him a few kisses while you're at it, you'll have this tiger melt in your hands like putty

You had left the door unlocked for him, you knew he had a difficult mission today so you didn't mind waiting, you just hoped he was okay. And even if he wasn't, you had the first aid kit next you and ready.

Atsushi walked through the door, groggy and slow, but still smiling at your face.

You greeted him warmly before he sat down in front of you, face buried into the crook of your neck

Of course you expected him to be injured, luckily it was something that could easily be taken care of.

Atsushi would grip your arm in pain when you'd put the disinfectant agent on the gash on his forearm.

So, to relax him, you'd place a few kisses on his face. To which he'd wrap his arms around your waist

"Atsushi I can't get to your wound!" But he'd just mumble something incoherent and you'd stay they're for a lil while..

A/n: sorry if this was super bad lol, but please leave recommendations and requests!

#writers on tumblr #reqs open #writing #writing prompt #dazai x y/n #dazai x you #dazai x reader #dazaibsd #im desperate #injured #bungou stray dogs kunikida #bsd kunikida #kunikida doppo #kunikida fluff #kunikida x reader #kunikida x you #bsd atsushi #atsushi nakajima #atsushi x y/n #atsushi x you #atsushi x reader #angst and fluff #bungo stray dogs x reader #bsd x reader #greasyghosts

[kenthenugget]

Dear Watcher....

This is going to be about the youtube channel Watcher and a recent video that they released earlier today, so if you dont watch the channel, or older content produced by Ryan, Shane and Steven at Buzzfeed, this is not going to make sense to you. This only going to be for those who are a fan of Watcher, or are fans of Buzzfeed Unsolved so if you are, that's great!

Earlier today, I got a video notifcation from the channel titled, "goodbye youtube", and it was definitely not something I wanted to see. There is a recent trend this year of youtubers retiring or taking a break this year and I was scared this was that scenario. And it kind of was but way worse. Basically, the guys over at Watcher are going to be posting on their new streaming service called....Watcher. And, no, it is not a late April Fools joke, that's actually what their doing. Initially, I was in a state of shock after I watched through the entire video. I, no joke, went through the 5 stages of grief upon viewing this announcement and was thrown through a loop to where I struggled to focus on sketching one of my comic pages. So much so that I actually made a deviant blog post about it the moment I finished watching the video (most of the content from this post will be copied and pasted from that blog so declaimer I guess). After having some time to absorb this information, I have to say that Im really disappointed with the guys over at Watcher. Like Im not mad to where Im completely done with their content but.......WHY!?

I think at this point in time that a lot of people, myself included, are burnout with the whole streaming boom we've had for the past 5 years in no part thanks to those greedy bastards at Disney....but thats another story. I miss the days when there were only 2 to 3 main streaming services and not 5 billion other services that you need to buy in order to watch a show you like that was on Netflix but it now locked behind a pay wall. Streaming services used by a novelty concept but are now not looked upon in the best light. So for the them to announce a streaming service now is definitely a bad look, especially because the content before was free to access. I feel like creators will always have an uphill battle when it comes to content that was initially free being locked behind a paywall, because you're potentially isolating your audience and bringing up the question of weather your audience if loyal enough to give you money to enjoy your content. Now, like I said, I love and respect the people at Watcher, but I dont know if I'm willing to take money out of my wallet to watch the next season of Ghost Files. Especially in this economy, where in some parts of the country a big mac now costs 20 fucking dollars, and with inflation going out of control.

Now its not like I don't understand why they're doing this. Ever since its founding in 2019, Watcher has always had troubles with money, with most of their shows not being profitable enough to make ends meet (I know that sounds bs because most of their vidoes get millions of views but this is coming from one of the founders Steven, in an update video from a while ago so idk, views probably mean jack shit in the grand scheme of things). And the fact that they started around the pandemic didn't help things either. Unlike Buzzfeed, Watcher is a much smaller company so any loss that happens is felt much more than if it was a larger one. In the video itself, they mentioned that most of their money came through youtube ads and sponsorships, which, while alright if you're an independent creator, may not be enough for a company. And then there's the fact that YouTube can remove or demonetize videos out of nowhere and for the dumbest reasons so its not a very stable sight to base your income off of. So I can understand why they felt moving on from YouTube was a good idea. But..........I think there were better ways of going about it than creating their own fucking streaming service. Like, in one of their update vidoes, they said most of their shows werent making ends meet so maybe cutting back on the production of said shows to make them not as expensive to produce would be a good solution. In their announcement vid, they talked about wanting to maintain their high production value for their shows without going under but (and I dont mean this to slight them) I dont think they understand why they popped off in the first place. For me, Im not watching Ghost Files or Mystery Files for high production value and fancy graphics, Im there for Ryan and Shane. Same reason I loved Buzzfeed Unsolved, which compared to those shows is much more bare bones. I get wanting to step up your production value from what you had at Buzzfeed but if you have budget out in certain places which would entail having a season that doesnt look as good as the previous season, that's completely fine. Im sure me and the rest of fans wouldn't have minded a downgrade because at the end of the day, the fancy sets and graphics are window dressing to why we're truly watching.

I also thinking letting us know ahead of time would've possibly softened the blow. Watcher is in a very interesting situation because there's a much closer relationship between them and their customer base as opposed to traditional companies. So they really could've been like "hey! We're thinking about having future content be on our own streaming service because doing business through YouTube is fucking us over. What do you guys think?". One explanation as to why they waited until now instead of a few months ago when this idea was sparked could've been because they knew they would get backlash and they were going ahead with the streaming service idea regardless of fan input, which might be the reason. But if that's the case, they probably would've had the comments and likes disabled from the start. Right before I started typing this, I checked the video to see if the comments were disabled and they are thankfully still there. Im someone who always wants to see the good in people (which is definitely a character flaw of mine and while defiently lead to me being at the end of an abusive relationship........another abusive relationship but lets not go there), so I think this might be the case of Ryan, Shane and Steven, thinking the streaming service was a good idea and not reading the room properly.

At this point, Im hoping that they dont do things that could make this situation 10 times worse: a) removing the existing content (Mystery Files, Puppet History, etc) off the youtube channel and having it on their streaming service. If you are going to have new seasons of those shows behind a paywall, at least have that content still up for those who want to support but cant purchase the service......b) respond to the critism in a negative way. I think things would be made worse if they lumped genuine fans who are concerned with the new direction with the trolls and haters, and double down on this new direction. Im hoping this situation ends up being a slip up that they can learn from and not being the beginning of the downfall of the Watcher gang. No joke, I think Ryan and Shane are the only youtubers who have avoided any sort of drama up to now. Youtubers I once respected over the years from Tobuscus to Leafyishere to H3H3 to Idubbz to even fucking Dream have all fell from grace in one way or another, and Im hoping the ghoul boys dont join that list....

#watcher #shane and ryan #ghoul boys #buzzfeed unsolved

[suffarustuffaru]

The fanbase is scaring me, the redesigns brought up some weird people that are REALLY passionate about Liliana being half naked

Like theres a whole war going on on twitter rn and the poor character designer got harassed

My problem is with the amount of people upset with this, like i knew we had a bunch of pedos around because of the way tappei writes the girls, but damn i didnt think there were this many of them 💀

yes ive heard about that....... im answering your ask late oops haah but i hope the situations a Bit better..... the toxic parts of this fandom give me a headache but my usual motto is to stay off twitter, touch grass, ignore people, and then hold onto my own viewpoints unless proven wrong alsjdflsdj but like. yeah this fandom is a bit tough to stay in when it comes to certain circles (for example the amount of people low quality shitposting / ranting about the fandom or whatever on rezero ao3 atm in the past days/weeks is. mm. interesting). not my first time being in larger fandoms that make you sometimes feel like youre fighting in the trenches (you could name off a few big fandoms notorious for being toxic that date back to like 2016 and odds are ive been in a couple lajdlf) but yeah seeing people complain about liliana and capella's designs and then overly fixate on emilia's boobs when these three characters have more to bring to the table than just that and theres lots and lots of good things to say about the s3 trailer and their designs..... mm. yeah. im squinting hard at a few of the things ive heard on that. but anyway!!

like the new designs are an Improvement. In General. like ok, as a boob haver myself ("boob haver" is the funniest phrase to me alsdjfls but it is true nonetheless, i am one) i do not give a shit about emilias larger boobs like ok?? her boobs are bigger?? she is still my fav ever and sometimes it just happens when youre still a growing teen/young adult and emilias back to her more revealing main outfit when she wore a different outfit in s2 so the difference in chest size is really not that much. but liliana and capella? those are Improved designs. i think ive talked abt the treatment of underage characters / characters who appear underage on my blog before (and i definitely couldve worded myself better then but i stand behind the fact that some of the stuff otsuka and tappei do regarding this in rezero is just Unnecessary).

could designs like emilia's still be improved on in other ways? yeah 100%, just in the sense that there could probably be changed a bit to fit her slightly more timid and soft spoken personality. or you could take different directions on it in general if you wanted. ive seen some great redesigns of her main outfit!! though her main outfit in of itself is pretty nice to look at imo and its iconic and well-known for a reason. im of the personal opinion that i wish it was a little less revealing in the same vein that her s2 main outfit was (i like that outfit a lot!!) but its still a really solid design overall.

i had some faith after seeing the anime designers fix up typhoon's original design to be More Appropriate, and i love how the essence of liliana and capella's designs were kept the same. like its not just that theyre a little less revealing (and even then, theyre both still showing a lot of skin!!! which is good!!! i like the improvement while keeping the main stuff the same), but stuff like liliana's pants aren't transparent (probably to make it easier to animate?) and the yellow/orange gradient in capella's hair looks great!! they also both look more like grown women which is a bonus. unless youre Weird about this shit which is unfortunately a small percentage of the rezero community. like you cant win with those sort of people ig, bc capella's boobs are bigger too ljasdlfj youd think that win more people over.

also i appreciate capella's sports bra bc unlike elsa's outfit it Actually looks like it's supporting her chest. if youre someone with boobs and you dont have a flat chest, youre gonna need support when being active or itll Hurt. and elsa Does Not have proper chest support okay. ill forever wince remembering elsa's design in that sense HAH....

anyway but i digress. i got no clue what to do with toxic people in fandoms despite spending a lot of time lurking in large fandoms with loud toxic people haah.... its hard to do much about it especially with increasingly declining media literacy rates everywhere.... the notorious misogyny/homophobia/etc that can happen sometimes in anime communities.... that sort of thing. i kinda just avoid it when it comes to rezero in specific, or briefly talk about it on here, or rant about it to myself in my head or chat with pals about it in private if it really frustrates me that much!! and id say im a pretty patient person hah... im not frustrated often. and the fandom is not all weird people of course and i can attest to that as ive chatted with a lot of people here... ive also seen a lot of people leave due to the fandom's Issues which is. totally fair tbh.

and i think rezero is often a "baby's first fandom" so to speak... i dont mean that in a bad way of course but its more like its the first exposure to fandom and fandom etiquette and fic etiquette and that sort of thing when it comes to english circles. or at least its a pattern ive noticed, so my theory is that that occasionally that combines with toxic fans and then you get a few people complaining about the community and how bad our fics are on rezero ao3 ig lajdlfjsdlf. which is false by the way :<< and an annoying misuse of ao3 as a free creative archive :<<

but ultimately i hope the rezero character designer's alright (and honestly theyve done super super great work - like the anime Did Not need to give emilia a bajillion outfits and go above and beyond with improving liliana, capella, giving the suwens and their hometown a whole unique aesthetic, etc). and also while i have stuff to criticize with otsuka and tappei... and the toxic parts of the fandom hah... i still enjoy rezero apart from that and the uproar with the designs has not chipped away at me too much!! ive been in this fandom long enough i guess lmao i just roll with punches at this point T^T but i also just try to look on the bright side a lot in general so ;-;;;

these are the sorts of things i like to be aware about but i dont like to get myself super involved with it (since itll probably make it worse and/or make me stressed for no good reason lmfaoo) and i wont let it enjoy the parts of rezero that i do enjoy a lot (which is to say like. the other 98% of rezero hah). so. getting off twitter is the biggest godsend i promise lajdlsfj.

but anyway!! yeah i dont have much organized thoughts on all of this, this is just me rambling my feelings on it. hope this all makes sense anon <3

#idk how things are on the eastern side of the fandom but the western side can be a little. wild yes. #ask #i try to be as fair as possible in my opinions ljasldfjd but yeah like. people complaining about the designs. i dont agree with it for a Lo #t of reasons. and on a lighter note #honestly my only thing with capellas anime design is that her eyes arent more red!! :<< but her pink eyes look very nice too though <3 #i hope to see like a red-pink gradient on them maybe... thatd be cool...

[cowardlybean]

Hey. The Times They Are A Changin’ by @bandtrees and @tigsbitties amiright (muffled face down on the floor)

more (some unsettling things) beneath the cut :3

(Image 3 is my favorite sequence from an animation for TTTAAAC I’ve been working on, so here it is just in case I never finish </3, image 4 is me thinking about Mob’s house. If. That makes sense.)

OH MAN. OH MAN OH MAN. this fic has altered my brain chemistry in a way that has doctors baffled and leaves tragedy in its wake!!!!!!!!! Absolutely a masterpiece I’ve reread it 3 times now and every time I notice a new detail, there’s just SO MUCH CARE put into it. I think I could write an essay about every page of this fic LMAO it honestly blows me away, huge kudos to everyone who was a part of the project!!!!

Especially the multimedia aspects, they were so much fun to find and in some cases decode (Scared the SHIT outta myself with Breathe I think it’s one of my favorites). the youtube videos were so cool as well

Realizing a third of the way in that things will never get better was such a gut wrenching experience, and by the time I realized just how deep the hole Mob dug himself into was it was absolutely too late for anything to happen (the end of act 1 was horrific in the most amazing way. So many things stuck with me: the state Reigen was left in compared to how he was, Ritsu’s “surgery”, Dimple losing his best friend, Shou’s report to the police, Minori’s conversation (if you can call it that) with Mob?? Bone. Chilling.

One of the parts that has been sitting in my gut is Reigen’s fall, where he starts to ramble through fragments of old times. I genuinely thought he was calling out to Mob until just as the same time Mob did I recognized the words and it hit me like a HAMMER. I don’t know how to put it into words but Reigen rambling on like a broken record tore me apart, and then it gets WORSE. I only realized on my second read that the intro of the fic. (Correct me if I’m wrong) IS REIGENS PERSPECTIVE OF MOB SEVERING HIS TENDONS???? Holy fuck. Holy FUCK. The vague semblance of consciousness written there is so deeply unsettling I’m absolutely OBSESSED with it. ESPECIALLY THE FACT THAT EVEN IN THAT STATE HE STILL WANTS MOB TO BE HAPPY (the cheer ^^ mob bit) and idk if I’m interpreting right (this is gonna be so embarrassing if I’m not) but him recognizing the filthy jacket as well. Taking me OUT. AND. AND THE FACT REIGEN NEVER SPEAKS AGAIN AFTER THAT?????? (I could be wrong oops)

The mental states of every character in the fic are written so chillingly well. I can understand how Mob spirals, the anger and grief Tome feels, Shou's spite and anger, Teruki's conflict, Dimple's loss of his best friend, Serizawa's waning optimism, I can't name every character in this fic but they are ALL characterized so well. There's no needless conflict that make them OOC, there's a reason behind every little tragedy building upon themselves and creating a giant disaster that deeply affects the entire cast. Not to mention how its not just the loss of Reigen and Ritsu, but the loss of Mob too. If they were to have died on impact, its unsettling to think that things may have turned out better than this.

There’s a lot of things I wanna say that would basically be restating the fic (dimple losing his best friend, teru shaving, and the irony of ritsu’s powers being taken away by mob) so instead of writing 20 more paragraphs I’ll ask some questions I’ve been mulling over (ofc yall don’t have to answer if it’s revealing too much or smth)

Does Mob actually end up getting investigated or arrested? The formatting of the social media posts and texts makes them seem as if they're evidence and so does the ongoing "interview?" with Shou throughout the fic

In the party, is Reigen saying he doesn't like citrus a reference to the lemon sour :eyes:

I'm probably missing something but im curious about the metaphor around Reigen and a stray cat (hair clinging to Mob's clothes, comparing him to a stray cat finding a place to die, comparing him to a cat outside Serizawa's door)

If I'm not wrong and the "glitchy" sections at the beginning and end of the fic are Reigen and Ritsu's povs respectively, is their mind constantly like that or is it just in the specific circumstances where they have a small burst of consciousness?

last (thats a lie im definitely drawing more fanart in the future) but not least, some notes from when I was re-reading

#sorry for hiding literally everything below the cut i dont wanna jumpscare people #BUT ANWAY. #holy fuck. a masterpiece. #literally tried drawing vase scene (as ive dubbed it for convenience lmao) 3 times its SO HARD to get right #i doubt i was able to truly do this fic justice its so amazing #mp100 #tw blood #tw body horror #(not really but the animation is close enough) #TTTAAAC #mob psycho 100 #shigeo kageyama #ritsu kageyama #reigen arataka #teruki hanazawa #dimple mp100 #so many thoughts about this fic #sorry for my damn essay oh my god #< biggest TTTAAAC fan

[felixmoonstar]

Hii, good night everyone, im here once again to show you another bit of my art, i think i may start to post weekly so if you are interested ill probably post again every week in a time between tuesday and friday, cant say with precision as i have some art blocks sometimes like everybody, but anyways, ill leave a song that i think that matches my text, explain why i choosed that specific song and also leave my inspirations, also as always im open to constructive criticism, so, enjoy^^

The Limbo forest.

I woke up in the middle of the forest in the dark, a limbo so deep that the only reason I could know I was in a forest was the branches hitting my face, as neither the sun, moon, nor star was visible in this pitch black. Just darkness and constant slaps from the branches, other than that, I couldn't know anything else close to me. At first, I was terrified by the lack of vision, the fear of the unknown, of what would happen soon, fear of not knowing, but after a few hours without having an idea of ​​what was happening, I ended up getting used to it and my anxiety decreased considerably. Before I could calm down, I walked the whole time, getting slapped by branches, getting scared by the noises I made when I stepped on fallen branches that I couldn't see, falling head-on into several trees, and all kinds of general things that I couldn't see. could happen if I was in a dark room, there was just one problem: unlike a room, I wouldn't just have to worry about pieces of lego or banging my finger on the corner of a table, here I was constantly taken by my surroundings, which in addition to increasing my anxiety and pain, it also increased my hatred for this place and my miserable condition, so after a few hours of emotions dominating my mind, rationality returned and I started to ask myself "if I'm in a forest, where are the animals ? Is this place so shit that no animal has managed to adapt to it? ... the biggest problem seems to be the lack of light, but many animals can see in the dark..." then I looked at the sky again, and to surprise of anyone, there wasn't even a celestial body in the sky yet, and I only realized that now. *just now. In addition to being naturally desperate, I was even more confused for not having realized this before, and I wondered what else I was missing. Thinking about losses, I started thinking about what I was missing by being here, precious time with friends? A meal? A robbery? I would never know, and I didn't even want to think about it much to preserve my remaining mental health. After reflecting for a few hours sitting and crying, I started to recover myself and started walking again, and to my surprise, I found what I assumed was an exit, a distant remnant of light, so I didn't waste any time and simply ran in that direction, to my happiness and surprise, in fact it was the world that I knew, the sun was in the sky and I didn't understand how this was possible, but I didn't even try to find out why, not for now at least, I just reflected on what could be found in that "forest" in which I found it.

So, first of, i choose "introduction to the snow" as the best music for that piece of writting because one, i love Tally Hall and miracle musical is bassicaly a Tally Hall spin off, and second, i thought it gave a nice feeling of not knowing about where you are, and i feel a strange when listening to this music, i love this music but it give me a weird feeling in a good way, plus, "alone at the edge of the universe" Is bassically what i wanted to describe when writting this.

Now, what was my inspiration? When writting this, i was feeling completly hopeless and that was like a vent to me, so whats writted is how i was feeling at the moment, i enjoy putting my emotions in my writting, then feeling overwhelmed is for me, something that makes the process way easier.

Long story short, thats one of part of my art, one that im really proud about and that like all my other art, is full of myself in it.

#reading #spilled ink #art #my writing #writing #writeblr #dark aesthetic #literature #begginerartist #Spotify

[pixeljade]

Okay i've tried like 20 times to word this in a way that'll go as gently as possible but I dont think im gonna be 100% successful bc autism, so im just gonna post this and hope yall dont take it in bad faith:

Theres a lot of younger queers (especially AFAB ones) who still hold TERF ideology and the main reason I see them failing to let it go is because they cant embrace sex positivity.

Which like. I kinda get. I mean if I was AFAB and I grew up with creepy toxic masculine dudes constantly sexualizing me while i was still a child, and the pressures of family to reproduce, and all that shit that comes with being AFAB, i'd probably be scared as shit of sex. Heck I'm a *little* scared of it myself since I was sexually assaulted twice before I was 18! But I feel like thats something to fight against, because like...sex is healthy! Sex is good! Sex is the cause of literally all of our lives!!!!

And I'm not saying you have to have sex or anything, god no, I'm on the ace spectrum. I'm saying you have to be normal about sex, because sex is a part of life! Its ESPECIALLY a part of the queer community! And as much as it should be more welcoming to ace people, I also think demanding it be entirely chaste in order to welcome ace people is stupid and selfish and unhealthy.

"So whats this have to do with TERF ideology though?" Well, reader, I'm glad you asked, because "sex is scary" is the first step in the TERF ideology road! It usually goes "sex is scary" -> "men are scary" -> "anything with a penis is scary". And basically every queer person, at least on the surface, is against this. But under the surface, I find it all falls apart, especially amongst AFAB people. AMAB queers are expected to perform femininity to fit in, and almost always if it is the sort of space where femininity is scrutinized, it is expected that the feminine must also be chaste. I feel like thats no accident. It feels like any mention of sexuality from an AMAB person has them thinking about how we have a penis, such a lewd horrible thing, and then its like...instantly we become less womanly to them. They've let their fear tie femininity to a lack of sexuality, which is a TERF idea!

This also is what leads to more censorship of transfem people. As the recent bannings of transfem people on this site continue, I see a lot of posts saying stuff like "You wouldnt have this problem if youd just stop posting sexual content", even being reblogged by supposed allies.

And you might be thinking "well I'm AFAB but I'm trans, so, this doesnt apply to me. Theyre talking about actual TERFs!" And no, you're wrong. I see transmasc people who pull this shit ALL THE TIME. I recently had a transmasc friend cringe and tell me that the fact that I liked Asumi-chan Is Interested In Lesbian Brothels was a red flag because it was "clearly for the male gaze" which is absolutely TERF behavior. I also see a lot of transmasc people being dismissive of transfem fears in the current trans political situation. Its seemingly almost always a specific brand of UwU cottagecore transmasc that does it too, and a few of them I've even caught admitting they "used to be a TERF" which, I'm glad you no longer associate with them, but I'm telling you you still have shit to unlearn. Dont tell me this is out of my lane, either, its no different from if someone pointed out I still had toxic masculinity to unlearn! Which has happened, and I've examined mine. Why do you find it so unreasonable to examine yours?

Anyways thats all for now. Please do better. I shouldnt have to deal with this shit while the government is trying to kill me.

#watch someone take this in bad faith anyways

[idyllic-affections]

🌻 its cruel of anyone to push someone away from their own culture just cuz they dont fit the "standards" or whatever other shit 💔 ohhh u dont know the language— stfu first of all learning a language is hard. im bilingual and its hard for ME to learn any other language. i had german and spanish in school and i simply could not learn any of them and same goes for any other language i tried to learn on my own!! i learned nothing in the end even tho ive been learning english since first primary, meaning i already should have some experience in learning a new language. but i dont. and second of all no one should ever demand proof from anyone that they are a part of this culture or whatever like!!

it’s not only annoying but also fucked up that people have the sheer audacity to set stupid requirements for OTHER PEOPLE'S identity. one's identity can be so hard and sensitive of a topic and having someone try to police u in this matter, try to tell u that no sorry u dont know the language/culture so u cant call urself that— i genuinely have no respect for people who act like this

and third of all idk man if someone came to me and said "hi i want to learn more about poland and the culture because i have polish family" (because suurprise!! im polish too!!!!) id be more than happy to tell them everything i know. even if i might not be the best knowledge source AHAJSJDKDK they dont know polish? or anything abt poland?? they just learned their family is polish??? it simply doesnt matter this person wants to learn more about themselves and im more than happy to cheer on them and hope that theyll learn everything they want. and that theyll never feel excluded out of something they deserve to have place in

this got a little long but as u can tell i got very passionate about this topic 😭😭😭 it annoys me so hard how unhuman some people can be

SOO TRUE it's so invalidating ESPECIALLYYYYY when it's always other latino or hispanic people telling me. bro please. i am doing my best here 🙏🙏

i tried for years to learn spanish and it NEVER clicked in my brain. i know basic spanish and basic french (i had to take a foreign language class a few years back so i took french 1) that's it. Please. learning a language takes so much practice and patience and the issue with learning spanish is that my pronounciation will inherently be more "white" because erm. yeahh. english is the only language i've ever spoken fluently. and for some reason, there are many native spanish speakers think it's funny to make fun of mispronounciations? so now i'm scared to practice because of that. 🫶 it's not cute or funny and it's never been in intended an affectionate way. but i am also mentally ill and neurodivergent so that probably doesn't help AJKSFBJSLSHNFM idk man but it is NOT "all in good fun" it's EMBARRASSING!!!!!

IT'S GENUINELY SO FRUSTRATING why should i have to prove my ancestry to you? like. first of all that's really none of your business and second of all i literally do not have to prove anything?!?!?!?! no-one does?!?!?!?! no-one is somehow any less of their heritage simply because they don't know much about it. literally. it is so upsetting why can we not just let people live peacefully fr.

SOOO REALL i need to ask about it again because my maternal family is generally very open about this kind of thing, and it's easy to communicate with them because there is no language barrier between us. i would love to know more about myself. because my culture is something i deserve to have a part in, you know? it's literally in my blood. it is something i always was and always will be, and i feel like i have a right to want to learn about it.

nooo it's okay!!!! i completely get it. i feel like it's becoming very common for people to be less and less human. and it makes sense, given... you know. politics and everything lately. not to be political /lh but there is just a little too much hate being spread and i dislike that so much. many people have forgotten how to be kind and it's just???? very sad and upsetting.

#aphelion replies: 🌻 anon 🌸

[anarchy-flagz]

im coming back to the internet!

update post? im coming back to tumblr, insta, yt, etc again. soon i will be back to making up terms and posting the silly little flags.

anyway i need to talk about why a certain hashtag has been removed from many of my posts. and the reason i was gone in the first place. look, im not going to sugarcoat it, i was in an abusive relationship. im not going to go too much into detail but this person was very controlling over me and my system and was abusive to me and all our headmates. to people worried where me and all my friends went, this is what happened. i didnt want to say anything about it online while i was still with them because i was scared of them (and i still am.) i had purposefully not questioned our relationship until one of my headmates brought it up that their not going to change. which in all honesty they didnt. but looking back at the posts i made then, it was obvious something was wrong. firstly i had to break one of my blog rules of not giving credit to creators of terms/flags since terms belong to communities, not people. they always wanted credit for whatever they made, so i gave it because i didnt want to fight about it. also as sone may have noticed, my flags got very desaturated in color. they had this thing for really desaturated colors to the point where some of the flags they made couldnt even have the number of stripes counted because the colors was too hard to see. well he got mad at me for anytime i put even slightly bright colors in my flags. i know some of them are too bright, which is a topic for another time. but they was being somewhat ridiculous with it, making me change the colors on flags even if i already desaturated it. there was also one time they said my flag was ugly and remade it, which made me feel really horrible because i like the flags i make and for someone that i loved to say they hated it made me cry. i dont really care much if people want to remake my flags or hate on them, its just when someone that was close to me did it, it really hurt. also im going to keep this part short because i really dont wanna have to bring up other stuff they did but basically i never felt like they accepted me for who i am. it was not liking me because of i have too many genders and pronouns or because my orientation is uhh weird. like oh yeah make fun of me because my labels are stupid or becausse i put too many pronouns and shit on my personal google doc. also the um.. roleplaying (not going to elaborate on this.) they knew how much i care about making terms and flags but yet they ruined it for me. at one point i gave up on making terms and flags and even archiving flags or even adding things to my gender horad because i completely lost my confidence in all of it. shortly after that i started loosing my will to live. one day after something happened that pissed him off he quit talking to me and didnt break up with me. thats unrelated but it still makes me angry. i didnt want to leave them because i didnt want to admit to myself that i screwed up by getting together with this person. only reason i ending up leaving is because one my headmates did it. after that i realized something. i never loved them. dont go and find this person. just avoid them. if you see them out in the wild, just walk away. just please dont tell them i said anything or that im back online because im trying really hard to avoid them. i dont feel safe being anywhere near this person so i really dont want them slithering back to me. i know their not a very pleasant person to be around and that they do have a history of not only abusing us, but others to.. but please dont ask me for now atleast to make any type of call out post. its not safe me. hell, even posting this probably isnt safe. but im not going to hide this. because im not just going to suck up to them and cover for them forever. anyway have a good day/night everyone and thanks to anyone who read all the way through!

#anarchy-flagz #anarchy-flagz-boo-boo-bunny #tw abuse #tw trauma #tw selfhate #tw self destruction #long post

[ifeltfree]

Yeah, of course I'll talk with you about it. I'm sorry to hear you're recently diagnosed. I'd say it gets better, but I'd be lying. What does change is that you get tougher, more resilient. If you're lucky, you have people around you who understand and support you well. The seizures never stop being terrifying.

It's an awful disease and one that is extremely misunderstood. Isolating is the right word, for sure. I was diagnosed at 16, so I know how hard it can be to have it as a teenager/young person as well. It feels like it's stealing from you. It is. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Your feelings are justified.

As far as how I cope? Poorly, for a long time, but recently things have been looking up. I was seizure-free for about five years before a recent set of breakthrough seizures (I crashed my car too, lol what a time), so I'm relearning how to deal with the fear and paranoia.

Logistically, I've done a few things:

I was able to get my job to let me work from home 3/5 days of the week.

I sleep. A lot. I still hang out with people and I have a lot of friends, but I had to accept there are things I can't do.

I spend a lot of time in quiet. Overstimulation doesn't help. I found this out the long way - took me forever to realize shutting up one or a few of my senses cut down the brain activity (I'm dumb).

I don't drink. I used to drink - probably too much. Substance abuse and epilepsy don't mix. That wasn't the reason for my breakthroughs, but I do have a little sobriety app. Kinda fun, honestly.

I talk to my friends about it.

That last point is something that I'd never done before this year. It's hard, of course, but I think it's helped that my friends now know I'm having crises of sanity, faith, philosophy - whatever - every day of my goddamn life. It's impossible to live with this disease and not think about what's real, what's not, if I'm losing time, what exactly is a soul...you understand.

Also, seizures are impossible to describe, but I try. That helps as well. Horrifies my friends, but they've said it's ok to talk about.

Every seizure I've had (barring these last ones, or I'd have killed myself) has stolen my personhood from me. I'd wake up as a different person, and then I'd just...live in a stranger's apartment, wear a stranger's clothes, wake up in a stranger's bed. After about a week, the feeling starts to fade but nothing ever goes back to that first reality. That disorientation is, for me, one of the worst parts of epilepsy. It's fucking scary. And if you go through that, I am so, so sorry.

If you want to talk about this more, let me know. I'm much less serious than I seem, and I write like this because I'm overeducated after being scared shitless by my brain. So.

Anyway, feel free to publish this and I hope you feel better soon.

Also, tell your tattoo artist what happened - they'll thank you for not coming in, and they also need to know you're not a flake. Don't want to make them responsible for an unconscious body when they don't have to be! :)

thank you for talking to me more about this. you worded a lot of this really well and its reassuring to know its normal to feel that way that i do about it all. my family thinks im exaggerating it so sometimes i question if im blowing things out of proportion.

anyway, thats terrible that you crashed your car. thats such a huge fear of mine and i cant imagine going through that, im so sorry. its so unfortunate that you have to miss out on things, but im glad you figured out what works for you to keep you in better shape. im gonna try and be mindful about the things you mentioned and see if they make a difference for me, thank you

i dont have much of a support system, most of my friends stopped talking to me after college and i find it hard to meet new people where i live. its significantly harder to cope with shit like this when youre on your own. im sure you get it. and i totally understand what you mean by losing your sense of self. it feels like everything is foggy, all the time but even worse on days i have seizures. it almost makes me mad cause its not fair that after everything else that comes with it, i have to have a diluted watered down personality too.

again thank you for this. ill definitely reach out if the urge arises and you definitely can too. im always open to talk, about anything

[system-of-a-feather]

You know, it just occurred to me that a lot of people who meet our system and get to know us as parts, and even on this blog, probably assume I'm a protector of some sort, and I guess they wouldn't be wrong if we solely look at our functions, but I really don't consider myself one. I was reading @constellation-of-us post on protectors and it really took me a hot minute to realize that a lot of people would probably assume I'm that "big scary protector" for the system. I don't want to say I am 'immune' or that the post is wrong, cause its 1100% correct and we've seen it time and time again with our protectors that ID as protectors

But honestly, I really don't see myself as a protector really much at all. I don't intend to protect anyone in this system, I don't *do* defensive action, I don't *do* fixing, I don't even naturally really frequently consider the system beyond my own self. I've worked on that a shit ton and do keep a few mantras in mind to keep myself from being too aggressive to the point of massive self destruction of myself or the system. In a way, I guess I am "learning to be a protector" or some might call me a "missguided protector" or a "persecutor" which are terms I identify with more than "protector" but even those roles are more of a side effect and secondary to my main and initial function and why I'm here as a part.

I - as a part - have almost all my natural ways of existing and reasonings rooted in aggressive and offensive action. I'm not in love with martial arts because I want to "be able to protect myself or those I care about" it is so that "I am ready for when I get the opportunity to legally kick someone's ass" or so that if someone wants to try to jump us, I can make them eat shit for being a stupid fucking idiot. I'm not honing my skills so that "we can have a stable life and sense of security" it is so that I can dominate every environment I'm in and have reason and history to back that I am factually better than everyone else here and that I am the top dog.

As a result, the most proper term for me that I've identified with is "perpetrator" alter; though I personally HATE the term and the stigma that comes with it but I have yet to think of a better word for it (other than "piece of shit", mainly due to lack of trying though since my preferred role title is co-host / host). Cause my role is to be worse than our abusers and abuse our abusers into well, not abusing us. I originally and innately couldn't care less for the system - I'm not protecting them - but I also couldn't care less for the system - they're not relevant to me beyond being an obstacle I have to work around.

(Content Warning: Brief Physical Abuse Mention)

As a result, I don't really functionally ever "don't know what to do" or "are overloaded". Even in the peak of some of my worst shit as a part (am a trauma holder and one of the worst carriers of gender dysphoria) my trauma response isn't feeling trapped or shit cause as a part, if I feel trapped, I tear everything around me down until I'm not. If I'm going to die, then I might as well bear my fangs and tear at the thing trying to kill me. I don't really have the ability to feel oppressed or stuck, because if I did, I wouldn't have been able to basically beat our dad into frightful submission enough that he'd be too scared to be abusive to our family.

(Content Warning: Cleared)

And I am not saying this as a "oh Im so edgy" or as a "oh well Im a SUPERIOR protector" because fucking hell no. GOOD protectors should have a healthy level of fear and should have a healthy level of pulling back from an attack and going on the defensive / disengaging. What I have is also a trauma response and has caused a shit ton of problems as I've adjusted to being co-host plus it makes me absolutely unplattable to most people who don't have the patience to understand and acclimate to my acquired taste.

I'm saying this primarily cause "perpetrator" alters are too fucking demonized and shunned and written off as "not real because its a bad trope >:[" and put into a corner of uwu they're just more abusers cause there is the large tendency to continue the cycle of abuse when your trauma response it to abuser your abuser harder than they did you.

But anyways, I just had a few thoughts on the matter. This isn't meant to be this huge thing just a talking point I guess. Feel free to reblog or add your own thoughts but if you are gonna be a little bitch who goes on their high horse like the people who shun those with Cluster B or whatever, get the fuck off this blog. No one likes you anyways.

#alter: xiv #perpetrator alters #perpetrator #evil alter tw #evil alter #vent #vent tw #physical abuse tw #physical abuse mention

[comfreyhollywings]

a letter to myself three years down the road. to my twenty-two year old self.

hey. how are you? i don't know if you're still content creating (if not then okay, you do you.) i know that just by looking at this letter filled with unnecessary things, which i am doing now, may make you cringe – so ill cut to the chase. 

so, being a creator. let's talk about that. what's that been like for you? 

i know that for me, it's been long and hard. sometimes even grinding because i realize i always rely on my viewers. which is understandable, but i guess i get scared? scared over how fickle it can be if i rely on them. but then again, i get scared over relying on people than myself emotionally. it's probably another thing im working on in hindsight, and i swear im getting better. 

it's just.. the thought of it.. can be very daunting. 

but that's what taking risks are for, i guess. so tell me, have you took that risk yet? assuming that it might have took a big part of you? do you still rely on escapism to get away from your troubles? or have you decided to tackle them face-on? i’m sure you still get scared since we’re both so young. i’m sure… that you don’t really think about your goals way ahead in life because currently.. we’re both still going whichever way life has gone in store for us. can i confess something to you, older me? i dont think, as young as i am, that i have enough experience to ‘know’ the extent of what i’m preaching. but i know the path for me is already laid down for me if i look away from all the illusions i have willingly put for my life. i know that maybe i was onto something those two-three months before. the difference between the two is that i was unwilling to look myself in the mirror and asses my own weaknesses. i hope you’ve integrated those weaknesses better than i have ever done. i hope youre unashamed to be honest about that just like how we’ve always bene. right now, i still am under delusions. i look into the mirror and i think i’m learning. im trying to asses how i use people, illusions, and the idea of sex to satisfy my own gain even if they never know about it. if they don’t know about me, they will not have to know about me. why is it wrong though? it’s wrong because they are /people/ who will never fit into such selfish desires. my desires.. my selfishness… it’s not wrong to be selfish. but i don’t know. it feels.. wrong. it will always feel wrong if i imagine that the real people are looking at it to see what’s going on. but being put into that position, i haven’t minded as much? is it from my conditioning or the unnamed things from my childhood i still can’t think about in the internet? they don’t know now. …but. the same can’t be said about the future. i can’t rule out the possibility that all of these truths will inevitably be shed to the light. after all, it’s human to be hypocritical. it’s human to be dirty when you speak of clean things. the reason? maybe overcompensation. maybe it’s to set others in a path better than your own. but if i think about it, is there really a better path? is there really a ‘good path’ when life will inevitably bring you down those thorny roads for a reason? maybe i’m confused, but i don’t think there’s anything like a ‘better’ road if we’re all bearing our crosses for a reason. i guess the one thing we have in common though is that we’re all going through a lot of temporary shit. everything’s temporary. in two more years, you’ll be twenty four. i hope you’ve gained the courage to face yourself in the mirror and take the risks. i hope you’ve worked hard. it’s okay to not be at the level you think you should be, by the way. i’m not going to place any expectations on who i, who you will be in the future. i just want you to be okay. i just want you to keep facing forward over the things i didn’t have the courage, the depths, the energy to face the things i haven’t when i was younger. when i was still a child. maybe i’m letting the world weigh too heavy on my shoulders because i hold very high expectations over myself, but i hope you’ve healed more. at least a little more. because in reality, i’m not anything that i’ve amounted myself to be.

#bee speaks #inkskinned #spilledink

[lexa-griffins]

thanks loads for the quick response, you were so lovely!! 🌸 as i said i’m just starting to educate myself so i don’t want to get things wrong or support someone who doesn’t deserve it. for example, Eliza.. like im still confused about this other topic bc i’m not interested enough, my heart already belongs to Alycia and i mean Alycia only, so… that’s what i’m focusing on. okay so basically that’s what i thought, the “could’ve handled it better” was about her not actually handling it at all, in a way, which i like to believe has nothing to do with her “hating” lexa (it’s something i keep reading online and idk where it comes from) or her fans. Bad advices and likely her trying to save Jason’s a** lead her to shut the discourse. but if this makes sense for the first weeks/months following lexa’s death, what i don’t understand is why she did seem annoyed when fans brought up lexa to conventions etc. but if she hated the fans and/or lexa, i can’t possibly believe she would’ve ever accepted to come back to the show for the finale. she came back bc she cared (about lexa, i mean SHE played her for gods sake, it must be hella important for her as well!!) and knew it was important for the fans, i guess. I’m almost scared to talk about this as i know Eliza’s fans are mad about it and especially Eliza/b0b supporters (i’ve seen enough on Twitter dear lord) but if what some people say is true, that he asked Jason to fire her bc he was jealous of her success, then maybe HIM being fired was also one of the reasons she willingly came back? like don’t get me wrong, i’m sure a big fat paycheck played a huge part too 😅 but trying to add more pieces to the puzzle here, as i really know like 40% of what happened behind the scenes with Jason and all when lexa was killed off, so again, i’m sorry if this always ends up being super long but i’m trying to do my homework here 📋🖊️ (and you genuinely are super kind btw which i’m super grateful for 😭)

I have never opened my mouth about the E and B topic because I am not about to open that can of worms or invite their fans to fight me here. I was a huge E fan and just a week before all the shit came out i was talking to a friend about how i wish clarke and her got the same love Lexa and Alycia do... that came back to bite me in the ass real quick 😅 you guys know how much i love Clarke but damn was it impossible for a bit there for me to be able to watch clexa and clarke scenes again and be able to seperate e from Clarke. We clearly got there tho 😌

In a way, I can understand why she was a little annoyed at cons. Alycia never went to a con with the main intent of talking about Lexa, she was on FTWD, she was probably very excited about it and was sent there to talk about it and yet every question she got was about a character that st that point she had not played in maybe a year if you account for the time between filming and the episodes coming out. And its probably nerve wracking to have a room full of people who care so deeply for a character and that are part of a community that is marginalized and her having to say the right thing. Not to meantion like most actors sometimes the line betwwen Lexa the character and Alycia the actor got a little blurred and i get the sense Alycia is the type of actor who wants a clear separation between herself and the character. Maybe wrongly so she tried to distance herself from Lexa not because she hates the fans but because it was what she and others around her felt was right for her career having just started on a new show.

We know B was most likely fired but I doubt that he was the reason why Alycia left. I truly think Jrot believe he was doing something with Lexa's death and that he was telling a epic story, i really think any other story of B wanting her gone and what is now know its false about her not being able to do both shows (AMC was ready to let her continue on the show, i wish i could link you a source to this) - making Alycia agreeing with Jason probably just PR trying to not cause a drift. Alycia (and Jason) kind of alluded to the fact that there had been chances for Lexa to come back before but that Alycia didn't feel comfortable with it and I do think that shows that she respected the fans and didn't want to be used as a prop to make fans to watch the show again. Her being in the finale was a surprise (well, not to me and many others because it felt like there had been hints being dropped for a good while). While i dont doubt the nice pay check wasnt an incentive Alycias entire message for the shows finale felt very sincere to me and very clearly dedicated to the fans. Blorke/B/E fans (well, B fans, lets be real here they only care for her because shes with him, they used to call her names before that) think that just because Alycia is both rather private and doesnt try to take fans money left and right that she hates her fans and hates Lexa. I just think that Alycia didnt really speak up when it was the time for it for whatever reason - i dont think it was out of malicious intent but i do think she should have said more - and talking about it now would just come across as trying to stir something up unless it was directly asked of her to talk about it. Id like to think she has proven herself an ally and a decent person where i dont think she has to talk about Lexa for me to consider her "forgiven" for not speaking up back then.

No need to say sorry, i totally get trying to understand what the fuck happened in this fandom of ours 😅 i just hope im saying things accurately because i have been here since mid 2015 so some things really get blurry around the edges. There used to be master posts or something im sure that explained things because this was a whole thing that last through most of 2016.

☺️ i might not remember or know how to answer everything but if you have any more questions about the fandoms history and if i can help and respond, feel free to ask me! :)

#letter opened #god it has been a wild ass ride sjdbdjd #what is it about this show that made people foam at the mouth the way they did christ sjsjd

[versadies]

decided to go anonymous for this one cause even though i finally want to share this, i do want to do it anonymously.

i guess the recent chapter really hit home for me.

i started my college around a year ago and being an introvert and a socially awkward and anxious person, i was scared to make friends. i just stuck to myself, reading something on phone or just playing a game etc.

a few weeks later, a guy from one group most probably felt bad for me and asked me to sit with them for lunch.

in that group, i became close to two people, one guy who was basically as opposite of what i can be, and one girl so similar to me that it's kinda astonishing just how our personalities, hobbies, likes and dislikes match.

im not gonna lie, i was so damn excited to meet someone so similar to me. even though we didn't hit it right off, we did get close and in a month or so time, we three were lowkey inseparable.

i shared everything with them. everything from the reasons my anxiety attacks to the most silliest of shit like how an old lady decided to let me pet her dog today and that made me so happy.

they handled me in a way i guess, they knew how to calm my attacks down and they knew when i became uncomfortable in a situation without me telling them.

but later, the dread started. they kept subtly excluding me from things. and generally being together alone etc. i kept feeling that they ignored me and finally having enough i decided to confront them.

3 times i asked them what the problem was and if i did something wrong, and almost begged them to tell me somi can fix it. they denied it every time.

finally, having enough i asked them to just tell me the reason so i can at least get a closure because i didn't want to force them to talk to me when they clearly didn't want to.

even then i never really got a reason. and even though it largely increased my insecurities, i just let it go and tried to move on. i never really left that friend group and neither have i told anyone because i didn't wanted to make things awkward but sometimes i did wish i would've just left.

the reason was revealed later but it just made way for a whole new path of insecurities that i don't even have the energy to talk about.

we just talk like acquaintances in a mutual friend group now but damn it hurt a lot.

there are times where it does sting but i guess it's just a part of moving on.

sorry for ranting but i really wanted to share it with someone after keeping in inside for more than half a year and the new chapter just hot home. you can completely ignore this too.

thanks for reading through if you did though.

i dont have much words to offer since im bad at replying to messages such as this, but i can reassure u that theres no need to apologize for ranting anon and i hope you feel a bit better after sharing this to me, im so sorry that u went through that, and i hope youre feeling better now :(((

#— ( penpal anon 📣 ) #— ( about . evermore )

[lovemars]

hm. time to psychoanalyze myself i think. cw traumadumping cw long ass post cw oversharing 😭

the srs cws are talk of sex and stuff but in a sad way not a horny way, sa, men on the internet being gross, bad coping mechanisms, etc

like. idk. i was thinking abt this last night and now im thinking abt it more and like. i feel like. the way i appear in headspace and stuff is just. completely based after. OH MY GOD SOFT BOY CAME OUT? um. sorry it just came on shuffle. ANYWAY. 😭. i feel like how i appear and everything is just based off of like our brain trying to be attractive to- well men mostly. other genders nd stuff but mostly men Specifically cis men. and like. literally none of us actively want to have cis (esp cishet) men attracted to us ❤️. but its like, i know Why like i know its cuz one of my roles is a sexual alter and our brain made us appear the way we do in headspace as part of it trying to keep us safe etcetc WHATEVER i dont care 🫶. like. i literally even- like for instance when we were dating our ex i remember trying to like. be attractive to her and make her like me/us even tho like. i was uncomfortable as fuck and like. i did the same with redacted from irl and just didnt set boundaries at all- no thats not true we definitely did set boundaries. i was just bad at enforcing them- i guess cuz i was like. idk completely lost in this mindset of like, not being able to say no and not feeling safe and feeling like it was my only purpose inguess?

and then like- i also feel like. imean i dont really get the love languages thing but if i had to pick one it would definitsly be words of affirmation and like- i feel like. okay 😭. im not a good person by. whoever the fuck uhh. pat the bunny i think? plays in the background. like for years and by for years i mean ever since 4 days after i turned 18. my thing had been like. posting on reddit . in various subreddits that like, Well the men in them are not very nice to me or to women . and like. i feel like that ties back to the words of affirmation thing cuz i was like intentionally seeking out people who would hurt me (<- which also ties into being a persecutor). and i dont do it anymore because months in the getalong shirt with nik made me feel bad abt it 😭 and then i started to realize that i like when people are nice to me actually. and then i was like Huh maybe tjats not super healthy for me probably. (it is not). well and thats the reason im banned (by nik) from reddit and sex with cis people forever.

but like. 😭 SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. writing a damn novel here. ANYWAYYYY. the whole posting images on reddit dot com -> talk to creepy men on reddit dot com -> intense self hatred and shame -> nik fronts and freaks out and deletes everything -> i feel bad -> i do it again next time i feel like making myself feel terrible on purpose for fun Spiral. like. ive spent all this time gojng down that spiral and now its like. bro i jusr want someone to be nice to me. like i spent ages convincing myself that actually i didnt care abt the shit those men were sayinh & that i liked it and now im like. i literally dont. like. i dont wabt someone ive never spoken to who didnt even say hi or ask what im ok with to say like. waves hand. stuff im not repeating just make up something genuinely disgusting and a bit terrifying and ive probably heard it. and now i dont even KNOW like. what i want i guess. idek my sexuality cuz ive never bothered to think abt what i want cuz i was too focused on what people i dont like/am scared of/etc to think abt how i felt. which in retrospect. bad and scared and. etc.

anyway. idk its just dawned on me the other night how much of who i am is wrapped up in how much i want everyone to like me all thw time and also how much i dont like myself. and like im working on it. and if working on it means thinking about drm from minecraft youtube ******* ** ** ***** so be it i guess 😭. idk man if nik can read dr*amnotnap fic and call it coping i can thirstpost abt drm in my head. idk.

ig im just. now that im able to be more normal and rational and stuff im able to see like. damn i was really bad at dealing with my emotions and tried to do that in ways that were not healthy for me or anyone else. and now all my sense of. who i am is wrapped up in that i guess. which sucks. and im working on it . SLOWLY! but im working on it

tldr: damn this guy should probably talk to a therapist abt all this shouldnt he. well thats okay at least hes hot

#neg #u can ignore thris the tldr is im mentally ill

[kozykricket]

big vent time. need to dump much out of my brain rn. dont feel obligated to read, i just needed to write this

ugh why the fuck do i never feel confident in what i ACTUALLY WANT. like

do i WANT this thing?? i feel confidently like i want it and then actually Nope ! i Don't !

i think i just doubt that ill make the right decision

that im blindly making a decision based on some like... mmidunno well, maybe its perfectionism. maybe i have the feeling that i need to have a perfect reason to make a decision but like decisions involving commitment scare me because im like ah shit what if i commit to the wrong thing

this can be from picking a topic on a school essay to picking a partner in stardew valley its not aromanticism necessarily its just . the same thing as essay stuff, i think. i dont want to end up making a decision based on just like, in the moment thoughts that im swept up in. i think thats also why im hesitant to call myself trans in any capacity too, since i remember the first feelings i had ... were during a time where i very much wanted to feel "special" in any possible way, but then i was like hm, well i dont want to just make such a decision out of a non-true place of desire

concerned ill decide on something for the wrong reasons, or that ill end up not feeling confident in my decision later.. but thats because i second guess myself on eveeerything. theres just so many great ways to do everything. so many ways to live life fear of commitment might even be part of my fear of trying new things or experimenting with something i havent done much before! and its the reason i dont really have a single OC, because i cant decide on a single hair color let alone aesthetic or vibe. i just cannot settle on single things and it annoys tf outta me. had a talk last night with my mom about indecision and like its. im realizing its really probably a common factor as at least a PART of a lot of my confusion and anxieties, from school to gender to relationships to new hobbies to OCs to... yea not to say its the ONLY factor in any of those though. theres other things too. like my brains aversion to effort in terms of learning new things... and also overthinking how complicated it might be to start... putting it off till tomorrow... sitting in the sidelines.... and now here i am reminded of how i want to learn to program for games n shit so bad but also do i REALLY is that REALLY worth it oh hey and thats related to me being like "eh im content as i am is it REALLY worth disrupting the good way things are now by taking a chance of ... trying to fix what aint broken?"

...just a lot on my mind and maybe my brain will feel better having dumped this

#vent