Reasons nobody should kill c!Philza:
LITERALLY TECHNOBLADE
Do you really want to fight Philza Fucking Minecraft the Bravest Man Ever™️ to the death?
One of the kids in his collection has a trigger happy husband with nukes (or is the husband with nukes idk which one is canon)
His dangerously unstable son with a knack for tnt
and his son’s unstable war-starting little brother.
His son’s arsonist friend
His wife is literally death herself
Wilbur is also a terrorist
ok but before you try to kill Phil you should imagine the grief-stricken god of violence knowing you were the idiot that took his only comfort, his only rest, the man who saw nations rise and fall with him, the man he’s caused the fall of nations with, you took him. And now he knows it was you and he is empty with nothing to hold him back. The voices are louder than ever and they are screaming for your blood, do you really wanna kill this guy?
Also Phil is quite literally the angel of death
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Hallo! im new here so please let me know if i cross any boundries.'
anywho, I was wondering if i could request a platonic philza and/or techno comfort? ive had bad few days :(
Have a wonderful day/night!
I APOLOGIZE FOR GETTING TO THIS SO LATE!! I literally love dsmp asks even though the fandom is dying off, so this definitely isn’t crossing any boundaries! I hope you’re doing better. My dms are open if you ever need to chat! :D
🩷☁️N E R D Y S L E E P Y B U N N Y☁️🩷
Character(s): Philza, Technoblade (ft. Mumza & Chat)
Fandom(s): DreamSMP
Reader: Gender neutral (you/your)
Style: Hcs
TW: N/A
Summary: How Philza and Technoblade (separate) would comfort you!
🩷☁️N E R D Y S L E E P Y B U N N Y☁️🩷
Philza:
I feel like he’s the type to just know you aren’t doing well before you even say anything.
Like, you’re just sitting there in your feels, then suddenly?
BOOM CONCERNED DAD RIGHT IN YOUR FACE
“Are you okay, mate?”
“Do you need anything?”
“Here, let’s sit and have a chat.”
Literally shooing chat away so it’s just the two of you having quality time together.
Would sit down next to you on a couch, but probably wouldn’t initiate any touching. The most I see him doing is a shoulder pat or a hand rubbing your back.
Of course, he wouldn’t mind you leaning on him or embracing him! He just doesn’t want to touch you in case you want your space :)
If you want to talk about it he’s there to listen and offer wise old man advice (if you call him old while you’re upset, it’s the ONE time he won’t get defensive about it)
Like
He’s just talking giving you some advice about your problems, then he hears you snickering
“What’s so funny?”
“You sound so old right now, Phil.”
Usually he’d shout his usual “I’M NOT OLD/I’m only in my 30’s, mate…” (I’m pretty sure he’s canonically thousands of years old but shh let grandpa be delusional)
But now? He’d just chuckle and shake his head
“Whatever you say, mate.”
DON’T EXPECT HIM TO BE SOFT FOREVER, IT’S ONLY BECAUSE YOU’RE CURRENTLY SAD
After you’ve concluded your venting/told him that you don’t want to talk about it
You know what time it is…
DISTRACTIONS!!!
Pillow fort anyone? He’s giving pillow fort vibes.
He’s a dad, so obviously he’d just do all the work and build it for you. Again, only because you’re sad. Any other time he’d yell at you for not helping.
Speaking of sadness
Don’t let Phil’s wife see you sad…
OH NO YOU’RE SAD? NOW MUMZA IS SAD AND IS RUSHING TO COMFORT YOU
Mumza is the type to cry when she sees someone else crying, so now both of you are just sobbing together and Phil is there trying to comfort the two of you but is an overwhelmed old man and may end up crying himself
Uh… cry party?
Either you all end up making fun of each other for crying which results in you all laughing together, or you just cry till you get sleepy and pass out on the floor together.
What an interesting way to family bond.
Technoblade:
So you seek The Blade for comfort, the most monochrome and nonchalant man on the server. What a wonderful decision, reader! /lh (I’d do the exact same)
If you’re a Technoblade fan you’ve definitely heard the “it’s fine” audio.
Now I can either be wholesome and say he’d hold you close and whisper that everything will be okay to you
Or I can be silly and realistic and say that he’d pull out a phone and just play the audio with a blank face, but is laughing on the inside due to your “what the actual fuck” face.
Okay now for some actual comfort!
As we all know… Technoblade isn’t exactly good at comfort.
He kills orphans for a living, how do you think he’d react seeing someone crying like a child?
He’s standing looking at you with a look of “why is this creature screaming” and “wtf do I do”
“Uh… you good? You okay? You, uh… need a hug…?”
Very awkwardly holds his arms out for a hug, and if you accept, he even more awkwardly pats your back.
If you got his shirt wet with tears, he’d DEFINITELY comment about it
“Are you seriously ruining my shirt? How are my enemies supposed to think I have a good fashion sense now?!”
Goes into a rant about how he needs to look his best and how it’s a good strategy to beat his enemies in battle while you’re kinda just there… honestly are you even crying anymore?
You’ve stopped crying ages ago, and he’s still just talking
In conclusion, Technoblade is good at calming people down without even trying (I was literally having a breakdown and all I needed to do was listen to the silly pig man talk about Greek mythology. It must all be part of his master plan…)
Speaking of listening to his voice, here’s a scenario.
“Technoblade, can you read to me?”
“…what?”
“Read to me.”
“I’m not reading you a bedtime stor-“
“I wanted you to tell me about Greek mythology.”
“Fine. Come here.”
Long story short, he starts by reading you just one story. That one story turns into the entire history of the Greek gods and goddesses… yeah you pass out pretty quickly. But Technoblade isn’t one to stop mid-ramble. Once he notices you’re asleep, he’ll continue talking, just quieter. He’ll eventually get sleepy himself, and soon enough… you’re both asleep.
Works like a charm!
🩷☁️N E R D Y S L E E P Y B U N N Y☁️🩷
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