#personally prior to this. this isn't something i would normally write about

[not-so-lost-after-all]

I saw some of your posts about how the game implemented the poly thing in regards to Astarion and I have to agree with you, the lack of dialogue in which Tav can tell him that he's enough, that they don't need another person in their relationship is glaring! I suppose they didn't include it because they didn't want to offend the fans who are for the arrangement, in case Astarion would've reacted too happily at the player telling him he's enough (realistically he would be VERY happy)? Either way, it's stupid. The whole thing is very badly done and I think the fandom should stop pretending Larian wrote this well and act like it's good poly representation. They didn't and it isn't. Yeah, some people will be offended if you tell them the truth, but this doesn't mean the rest of us should sweep the bad writing under the rug so we don't hurt some feelings. Clearly Larian intended to portray a healthy polyamory relationship in which all parties enthusiastically consented but I think in their desire to do so, they overwrote it inadvertently portrayed the type in which a partner agrees to this type of arrangement not for their own sake, but for their partner's. Oh and I love how these people guilt trip other fans, saying they're infantilizing Astarion for questioning how genuine he was about it or for not liking how the devs implemented poly, or accusations of hating real poly people, poly erasure and so on. If Larian wrote this well, most of the discourse surrounding this issue wouldn't exist.

Fans of this choice will chide you for having doubts and tell "it's normal for him to have insecurities, you just have to reassure him and it's all fine" and will also point to the dev notes saying Astarion is genuine about it except…you can even CONFIRM that his insecurities are true, that you have a problem with him NOT fucking you and he's still fine with it. What the fuck, Larian? Maybe I'm getting something wrong, but him accepting this kind of disrespect from his partner who outright tells him they care more about sex than him as a person is either a red flag which confirms he still has problems setting up his boundaries or again…bad writing. Not sure which is worse. Personally, I tend to believe it's both and after the new Mizora datamined lines in which the player CAN still manipulate him into forgiving the cheating I have to say it's quite clear that he can still be taken advantage of. Sorry, but a person who can healthily establish a boundary won't forgive his partner cheating on him, let's not pretend otherwise. It's GREAT that he's still confronting the player about what they had done, but it's not a good sign that he can forgive a cheater. Oh and let's not forget how before the datamined dialogue for the Mizora cheating many people used the fact that Astarion was seemingly okay with it and didn't have any disparaging reaction as proof of him being open minded about allowing the player to have casual sex with anyone…

Also, why the confidence about believing that Halsin will keep it at sex only when it's clear it's also about feelings for him. Yeah, he has prior experience with this, but is it really enough? It creates the impression that Tav is either lying to Astarion that their relationship with the druid will only be about sex or that Tav is lying to Halsin, therefore using him for sex only when clearly it's more than that for him since feelings are also involved on his part. Again, Larian didn't really think this through. Oh and it gets worse when nothing in the game suggests that Astarion even likes Halsin, if anything he talks about finding him annoying…

It's fucked up that that the Halsin conversation ends up with him agreeing with it no matter what you're going to say. People will probably say "well, Astarion is polyamorous, that's why he simply agrees with it"… well, for someone who's supposedly been written as poly from the beginning, he never brings it up on his own! It's always the player the one who does it. Since communication is so important, we should've had the option to discuss such matters at some point. What type of relationship he prefers to have with the player? Is it fine if the player only wants him? Maybe he would've told us he doesn't want to be in a monogamous relationship and that at some point he will seek out other partners on his own. Or I guess only Tav is allowed to have others on the side?

Now post-Cazador the whole thing feels less bad, but not by much. His impersonation of Halsin, the exaggerated laugh, the 'it's okay if things between us change' lines…sorry, it just puts you off. Not to mention it just doesn't fit into his romance arc, especially when he remains a spawn. He's in his first real relationship with a person he just confessed his love for and very importantly, he's just began to learn that sex can also be about having a loving, intimate connection with his loved one, and more than what he was forced to do, more than scratching an itch and you just prove the opposite by doing whatever you can to have sex with others. It's just bad. (and to ask bluntly, why do people act as if Tav will die if they go on without having sex for a while? oh the horrors!! Not everything has to be about sex all the time)

To argue that well, actually going poly is GREAT for Astarion and that he must be likely relieved about Tav having someone else to have sex with because it takes the pressure from him in the relationship to perform and now he has time to figure himself out…yeah, just stop. This is just coping and headcanon lol. He doesn't need his lover to fuck other people in order for him to figure what he likes, get real. Now I could be persuaded into thinking that in the future when he will have had more actual experience about what being in an actual relationship entails, he could be truly open to trying poly, but right now, to open the first and ONLY real relationship (that's a few months old!!) he has to poly seems a bit cruel from Tav's part. Had HE been the one initiating this, maybe it would've felt different. The only one getting anything positive out of this is Tav. I think it's silly to pretend otherwise. The same goes for the orgy as well (yes, he does consent to both, I'm not saying otherwise), it's bothering me a lot how a lot of people in the fandom think you NEED to take him to the brothel and have an orgy for him because, apparently, they say it's essential to his healing journey. I had someone tell me I'm a bad partner for not doing this with him, that I'm intantilizing and taking away his agency and freedom to choose…so, yeah. This is the BG3 fandom for you.

Regardless, people should of course feel free to do anything they like in the game without being judged or called a bad person, but those of us who feel uncomfortable about certain things shouldn't be dismissed as mere haters or bigots. Our criticism is still valid. It's funny how you can criticize the writers for pretty much everything you want except the horny parts of the game…now that's when people get really angry and come for your head.

Now this ask got so incredibly long, sorry about it! I'll just end this by saying I like your blog and agree with your takes about Astarion (oh and yes checking Astarion's tag on tumblr is a challenge in itself, sone of the stuff you can find there...ugh). It's just nice finding fans out there who aren't insane about him in a bad way and who don't praise every writing decision the devs made just for the sake of it.

Nonnie, yeah, it was long but it was apparently important for you to vent 🙂 I'm sorry if the sex positive crowd left a bad taste in your mind. I honestly prefer to stay in my small corner of the fandom and usually don't bother to argue or correct anymore. I've said many things you have mentioned myself and I'm probably done with this topic. It's pointless to be upset about what some people do with their barbies - but you should hold you ground when someone says something idiotic like that the brothel experience is "healing" and you should defo do it for him. The poly thing is so badly done I'm not even sure why he'd dismiss that option with Shadowheart in Act 3 if he's poly, to be honest.

#astarion

[basaltbutch]

god im having so much fun developing this hivemind character. green is such a funky lil guy and i love it so much.

trying not to go the whole route of. y'know. hiveminds as a fearmongerer towards communism and instead trying to think of how a hivemind culture would actually work. what sort of things does the culture value? how do new ideas occur? how about art? culture? etc.

#it speaks #personally prior to this. this isn't something i would normally write about #what writing fics for an obscure half-dead media does to you #but ya basically green's culture works sorta like a decentralized internet #there's collective-memory and body-memory #anyone can access collective-memory at any time. sorta like cloud storage #body-memory is specific towards the ''individual'' and is accumulated throughout the green's lifetime #of course. lifetime is subjective considering they're all propagations of the same individual and can remerge and split off accordingly #of course. those all only occur during good times. and the greens ARE NOT DOING SO HOT :( #they've. kinda gone a lil mad with desperation. they used to be a symbiote species but. very much aren't now #green (the character) is probably the only member of the greens (the species) who actually has a symbiotic relationship with its host #and that took some very painful isolation from the rest of the collective :( #anyway! im having fun!!! #its not a triumphant story but it is a quietly hopeful one #someday i might break wynn/green off from the lifeline series and actually Write A Story about them #i think that would be interesting. if not stressful

[nexysworld]

Dead Dove, Content Entitlement, and Fandoms

There's been no end of posts clogging up popular fandom tags with arguments and opinions on dark content, dead dove, and related things. While I've seen some decent posts that go over media literacy and dark content, I personally feel like none fully encompass my entire feelings on this nor provide all the points that I feel are important.

I know people have strong feelings on this subject, and I'm not expecting to immediately change anyone's minds. But I hope maybe I can toss some food for thought out there, or provide further context from both a victim of SA as well as a content creator. This has been bothering me for a while now to the point where it has been making me no longer want to write or engage in fandoms on Tumblr, and so I needed to get this out there with my stance. I've also had people in my inbox stating that my dark content is somehow morally better than other writer's dark content. TW: Mentions of dark content including discussions of noncon/dubcon, harassment, SA, etc.

Addressing Common Points

If you write or consume [INSERT CONTENT], you're romanticizing and endorsing it and that makes you a bad person. Or, you're weird/wrong/gross for it. I see this brought up primarily with dubcon/noncon topics. It should go without saying, but fiction is fantasy, it's separate from real life. Adults who consume this type of content understand that these things are NOT ok in real life. But to take it a step further, I want to stress that having noncon fantasies is actually INCREDIBLY common. In studies regarding these fantasies, nearly 50% or more of people who participated admitted to having fantasies that align with these topics the majority of which are women. Not only that but these kinds of fantasies are even more common in people who have been victims of these crimes. This isn't some niche thing only liked by a minority of people. If you don't believe me here's an example of ONE study, but there's plenty of easily accessible information out there. By conflating consuming/writing this content with someone's moral character stigmatizes these feelings further and does more harm than good. And I know what you're thinking though. But why? Why would someone who's gone through something like that fantasize about something so awful? Why is this appealing to anyone, victims or not? Fiction creates a safe space to explore topics. In fiction there are no real victims, no one is actually getting hurt, it's all fake. The characters aren't real and if at any point as the reader you are too uncomfortable to continue, you can stop and exit. You can like the idea of a fictional person tossing you around, while also feeling uncomfortable if a real life man tried to pick you up a the bar or didn't take no for an answer. There's also "normal" things you can fantasize about, but not want to participate in IRL.

Hypocrisy and what is considered dark content? This won't apply to everyone, but I've seen a number of people who claim to be anti-dark content but reblog things that are non consensual, perhaps without realizing it. And this is especially true for those who are younger on here. Please understand that noncon/dubcon does not inherently need to be violent or gory. Any situation in which there's a lack of consent or a power imbalance is inappropriate. Somno fics? If it's not explicitly stated that it was agreed upon prior in the fic, that is still non consensual even if it's written to be "sweet.", even if it's a pre-established relationship. Professor x student fics? There's power imbalance there. There's a reason you cannot have a relationship with your teachers in real life. Hybrid fics? Most people write hybrids as completely sentient people who are treated as sex slaves. They have little choice or are "following instinct." You cannot consent to someone who literally OWNS you after adopting you. You get the gist. There's far more to consent than physically manhandling someone. Yet because these things are written in a way that contextualizes them as being "sweet" and "normal", they aren't considered dark content by many people. If you're ok with the above, you have to understand that these ARE forms of dubcon/noncon. I would even argue that these are more romanticizing of these topics than stuff that's far more explicit in nature. If you would be pissed if your IRL partner tried to feel you up in your sleep, but enjoy somno fics, or enjoy the Taboo of Professor Leon, but wouldn't fuck your actual college professor - then that is the EXACT way in which people who enjoy even "darker" content can enjoy the fiction whilst not partaking in real life.

It sets a bad example for younger people on the website/"protect the children." Children shouldn't be looking at smut in general, dark content, vanilla content, etc. I don't know what else to tell you. It is NOT the job of content creators to try and police what teenagers do on the internet, that's between them and their parents. The majority of creators who make 18+ content explicitly state MDNI and block those younger than 18 if we discover them trying to interact with us. That is the most that we can and should be expected to do.

[INSERT CHARACTER] would NEVER act like that, it irritates me when people write them as OOC. Fanfiction is by definition NON canon. The only people who truly know how a character is supposed to act are the people who created those characters. But I want to add on to this, there are plenty of times in which a character acts entirely OOC even in fluffy or vanilla fanfiction. Every writer is going to have a different interpretation of how a character acts or thinks - and yet it's only really complained about when it's dark content. These characters are not real. Leon cannot be upset or hurt by people writing dark content about him, because he doesn't exist. Part of the fun of fanfiction, at least in my opinion as well, is justifying certain things within the context. Many dark content writers will and do explain why the character became how they are or why they think that way using canon as context - not that I think it's required because fanfiction can be whatever you want it to. The point is, dark content or not, not everyone will be on the same wavelength as you about your favorite character.

Even if you're a victim of SA or other crimes, you should get professional help, not read dark content. This is a very bad take in my opinion. Mental health care can be incredibly hard to get. Reading fanfiction is free, it's harmless. But genuinely, imagine you're a victim of a heinous crime, and you're already struggling with feelings regarding it - to then be mobbed by people online telling you that you're weird and wrong for having the feelings that you do? This is also in league with my first point, but having these feelings are actually VERY normal. This is a healthy way to process the emotions in a safe environment where no real person gets hurt, where you can leave whenever you want. Stigmatizing these things does hurt real people though.

You're hurting other people who're victims of these things. Look, if a fic is not properly TW then I fully understand. Every victim will have a different experience, and while some may be ok with dark content, others won't. So if you open a fic expecting it to be one thing and it's another, that's shitty. But tags are there for a reason. If you see something marked Noncon, and that's triggering for you, no one is expecting you to read it. And here's the thing with tags/tw's as well, everyone's trauma is different. Something that one person might not consider dark content, or is generally considered innocuous might trigger someone else. If you are one of those people who think even seeing the trigger warning could be harmful to people, then that's a prime example of WHY you must curate your own experience online. Block certain words, tags, and phrases to make sure you don't see them. But that's on YOU to do, not people who create content. Their only responsibility is to warn you about the contents of the content they've made, their responsibility stops beyond that point. You know what DOES affect real people besides the stigmatization of their feelings or kinks? Harassing them. Leaving hate comments, telling people to unalive themselves. These affect the mental health of the real people behind the content that you don't like. I've seen death and rape threats SENT to dark content writers.

Dark content in other forms of media. It's interesting to me that the majority of discussion around dark content comes from people criticizing fanfiction specifically. Take horror movies for example. The Saw Franchise, we'll say. Do you think the creators of that series want to enact those horrible things onto other people? Do you think they want to be the victims of Jigsaw themselves? What about people who watch content like that? You probably don't think that they do. There's TONS of movies, music videos, even horror novels that have incredibly, and I mean INCREDIBLY dark dead dove content - and yet most people understand that the appeal is in the taboo. That it's fiction. That people who consume THOSE forms of media don't want to participate in those things but do enjoy consuming that content. But when it's fanfiction it somehow becomes a problem.

Entitlement and demand of fandom content. In addition to all of the above, there is a major uptick in people complaining about the content within fandoms some not even relating to dark content. "There's too many stories where reader acts like X." "I hate how so many people characterize this person because that's now how they would act!" "Why is there so much smut? Why can't there be more of {insert what I want}". This is FREE content made by people who do this stuff as a hobby. No one owes you content, and no one HAS to write the way you want them too. If there's tons of content like that, then it's because it's popular. Perhaps your version of a character is in the minority opinion, and that's completely ok!

What's the solution to all of this discourse?

Be the change you want to see! If you feel like there's too many x reader fics where the reader doesn't act how you want - then write it the way you want. Do you have head canons about a series or character that you haven't seen discussed before? Make that post yourself! If you don't feel there's enough fluff in the fandom - then create some! And if you don't want to make content yourself - request it, commission it. Interact with your favorite writers! Encourage them, don't demand. Talk with them about their work, leave comments, and reblog, reblog, reblog!! Being a part of the discussion and interaction is the BEST way to help the community thrive. Surround yourself with the content that YOU want, curate YOUR experience. Block every dark content writer you see if it helps. Go into your Tumblr settings, block words, block tags. Don't set yourself up to be upset or bothered by the content you're getting. Even if you read the above and you still think every dark content writer is a horrendous, awful person - the best thing to do is still block them. Block their content. Harassing them and complaining on it will NOT stop that content from existing. But you will continue to upset yourself by not curating your own experience.

~~~~~~~~

If you made it through all that, thank you for reading. I want to add that my blog WILL continue in the future to have a mix of both dead dove and regular content. I also interact with other dark content blogs, so if you're someone who followed me because of my "regular" fics and want to unfollow/block me, I'm ok with that. <3

#nexyspeaks #Leon Kennedy x reader #resident evil #fandom culture #resident evil writers #resident evil x reader

[happyhauntt]

a lack of caffeine — spencer reid.

writing masterlist | askbox

─── summary: caffeine makes the world go 'round. that's something you and spencer can agree on.

─── pairing: spencer reid x autistic!medical examiner!reader.

─── warnings: fluff, reader is autistic & a mom, spencer's iq gets slashed to sixty when he talks to pretty girls and it's my favourite thing. no use of y/n. swearing. i really fucking struggled with this it's so boring. thank you to everyone who requested a part 2!

─── word count: 1.8k.

     The call comes in at four in the morning.

     The screen reads three missed calls by the time its incessant buzzing rouses you from your slumber, and you pull it out from beneath your pillow. Squinting at the sudden brightness of it, an unlisted number stares back at you as your phone keeps vibrating insistently in your grip.

     When you finally wake up enough to realise it could be work, you answer it. Agent Hotchner's familiar voice is stern and low and only a little apologetic as he informs you that you're going to be required in the field for a new case, and you should be at the airfield within the hour.

     There isn't enough time to ask any questions before the line clicks, and you're left blinking into the dim light of your bedroom as you try to gather your bearings.

     Sleep itches at the corners of your eyes, all gritty and blurry, and though part of your mind recalls reading this little clause in the contract you’d signed, that constant availability takes on a whole new meaning when you work for the BAU, you still take a moment to fantasise about pushing Aaron Hotchner off a cliff.

     You’re not a morning person. And you would argue that 4AM isn’t even the morning, it’s the middle of the night, and why can’t serial killers do their business during normal business hours?

     A new case. Not your first case since joining the unit as their resident independent medical examiner, but the first where you would join the rest of the team in the field. The first where you'll be required to exert federal authority over county coroners, where you'll have to step on toes in order to get the job done.

     You know they won't take too well to an outsider coming in and derailing their whole thing. You know you wouldn't. You used to be one of them, not that long ago.

     Ah, shit. As the drowsiness begins to fade out of your body, a light panic trickles in. Your skin starts to buzz as if you put your finger into a live socket. You grip your phone so hard it leaves a mark on your palm.

     It takes ten minutes to get ready, stumbling around your room and shoving clothes into a bag. You don't really care about matching socks, but you count out your underwear three times and hope you won't run out before the case is done. Do they have laundries you'll be able to use? Have the other members of the BAU ever encountered this problem? Should you pack your hair straightener or is it really going to matter?

     When you've finally dragged a brush through your hair and dumped the last of your toiletries into a ziploc bag, a dull realisation strikes you.

     Jackie.

     Going toe-to-toe with a rabid raccoon might be more appealing than waking up your sister-in-law in the middle of the night, but you don't really have much choice. She has to know what's going on, she'll be in charge of your daughter for however long you'll be gone, and leaving a note on the kitchen counter feels like the wrong move to make in this instance.

     Is there a protocol for this? A single-parent handbook you can check out at the library? This is something you really should've talked about when you got the job, you know that. You'd known it would require you to travel on occasion, often without prior notice, but it hadn't seemed like a big deal at the time. You'd brushed it under the rug, labelled it to be discussed later as if you and Jackie have ever actually sat down and done that.

     A thousand things sit unsaid between you. That rug has got a little mountain under it by now, almost impossible to ignore. It’s really only a matter of time before you trip over it.

     “Jackie. Jackie.”

     Your sister-in-law grumbles when you sneak into her room and poke her, hard and repeatedly, until she threatens to bite you. The news of your leaving doesn't take her by surprise — exhaustion seems to dull the stung of it — and she promises to call twice a day, every day, before she buries her face back into the pillow and starts to snore like a lawnmower.

     You hope she never, ever changes.

     Pressing a kiss to your sleeping daughter's forehead is the last thing you do before you finally manage to drag yourself out of the apartment. A dull ache thuds in your chest, where your heart should be. She'd looked so peaceful, so sweet, and you can't recall a time since she was born that you'd been apart from her for longer than a day. Her bright, happy giggle and wide eyes flash through your mind.

     As your car peels out of the parking garage, you feel distinctly like a piece of laundry someone hung out to dry and then forgot about.

     The sun is just beginning to kiss the horizon as you pull up to the airfield. Long streaks of a pink-fingered dawn creep across the sky. You flash your identification at the security guard and pull up alongside the jet, scrambling to grab your bag from the passenger seat.

     It doesn't surprise you that you're the last to arrive, but you'd hoped that wouldn't be the case.

     The clock just strikes 5AM as you clatter up the steps, practically falling into the aircraft. Technically, you're on time, but it still feels like you're late for class and your teacher is about to put it on your permanent record. A kind-faced hostess greets you, offers to stow your bag, and you flash her a sheepish smile as you hand it over and pass through the curtains into the main cabin.

     "Holy shit."

     You can't help yourself. Every single member of the team turns to look at you, craning their necks to see exactly who they're dealing with, but you can't even bring yourself to care. "This is a jet. It's actually... a jet."

     You blink at the open space as your jaw goes a little slack. Do you sound a little insane? Sure, and ordinarily you'd feel self-conscious with several pairs of unfamiliar eyes gawking at you, analysing your every movement as if it's their job to do so — and it actually is — but this honestly insane.

     You had no idea the BAU had this kind of budget. Do they own the plane? Do they rent it? Is it publically funded by the taxpayer, and why can't they fly commercial? Like, you're not complaining at all, those leather seats look so comfortable, but why—?

     An austere voice says your name once, twice, and you blink, looking up to find the furrowed brow of your boss frowning at you down the aisle.

     "Take a seat, doctor, we're about to take off."

     His tone leaves no room for argument. A flush rises in your cheeks, and you manage to stammer out an apology before throwing yourself into the nearest available seat, buckling your seatbelt.

     "It's a good thing you're the M.E and not a profiler, sweetcheeks." One of the agents nearest to you leans across the aisle. A charming grin spreads over his face as he offers up his hand in greeting. "Derek Morgan."

     "Oh, I know," you reply, shaking his hand firmly. "I, uh, looked you guys up after Dr. Reid paid a visit to the underworld and I didn't recognise him. Figured I should be a little more familiar with the other members of my team."

     "The underworld?" A blonde woman you realise must be Agent Jareau gives you a friendly, if slightly confused, smile.

     You shrug, suddenly a little embarrassed. Group settings have never been your thing. Too many people, too many unfamiliar eyes, far too many voices clashing together until it all becomes a sensory nightmare.

     You much prefer your little lab, and one-on-one conversations, usually with the unlucky cadavers that find themselves on your slab. They never talk back.

     "It's just what I call the morgue," you tell her. A loose bit of skin hangs off the edge of your nail, and you really, really want to pick at it. Fatigue hovers at the edge of your consciousness, and as the plane engines begin to roar, you find yourself wishing you’d made a coffee before leaving the apartment.

     You would have been late, for sure, but life would feel worth living so, y’know. Swings and roundabouts.

     "In Greek mythology, the underworld is where an individual goes after death. Early ideas suggest that someone’s essence, their psyche, is separated from their corpse at the point of death and transported to the underworld. Accounts differ on whether any judgement occurs, depending on which scholarship you’re citing." A familiar voice pipes up from the back of the plane and you glance over. The rich brown eyes looking back fill you with an odd warmth.

     More at ease with a familiar face, you settle back in your seat and lift your hand in a lazy wave. "Good morning, Dr Reid. It's nice to see you when I'm not elbow-deep in someone's intestines."

     Agent Jareau wrinkles her nose. "Now I'm really glad I didn't have time for breakfast."

     Reid's ears turn bright pink and he looks away, stuttering out his reply. "It's good to see you too. Uh, well, not good, given the circumstances, since there's a serial killer on the loose, but good because—"

     "We get the picture, Reid," Agent Hotchner cuts him off, and Reid turns his gaze back to the small window, a little flustered. Hotch looks, bizarrely, like he's trying not to smile. "Welcome to the team. We'll go over the case details once we're in the air."

     “Is there coffee in the air?” There might be a murder mid-flight otherwise. Really, how do they function at this time in the morning? The plane judders as it rolls over the tarmac, heading for the runway. “Or tea, or soda, or— Honestly, I’ll take whatever. I just don’t want to fall asleep in a body cavity later on.”

     Again.

     Reid finds himself nodding, entirely against his will. There’s something about the peculiar medical examiner, something he can’t quite put his finger on, but it makes him want to keep talking. More than usual, at least.

     He wonders if there’s duct tape on board. Or a parachute.

     “There’s coffee,” he confirms. Is his voice a little high?

     “Dr. Reid, I could kiss you—”

     Oh, hell. Judging by the way Morgan has a hand pressed to his mouth, stifling an obscenely loud chuckle, Reid suspects he’s never going to hear the end of this.

#criminal minds #spencer reid #criminal minds fanfic #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid imagine #criminal minds imagine #* chapter update.

[theerurishipper]

Anyway, I had a discussion a while back about how Adrien wasn't abused before Emilie's death and I gotta say I disagree, but I'm feeling too lazy to write a whole post about it so here are some bullet points.

Adrien has no friends except for Chloe. I wonder why the boy who is so desperate for emotional connections and friendships would not want to or try to make friends for 13 years except for one girl who is conveniently the daughter of the mayor of Paris unless his parents didn't let him.

Gabriel canonically only gave Adrien a stupid pen for three years (i.e. during the time Emilie was alive) and doesn't that paint a picture of a loving and attentive father. Adrien has also never had a birthday party before.

Adrien's lack of awareness of social cues doesn't make it seem like he is someone who was allowed to socialize like children normally are, and speaks to a lifelong isolation as opposed to it just starting after Emilie died.

Adrien doesn't act like someone who is used to unconditional love and had it stripped away from him. Never does he express confusion over his father's sudden turn from being loving to coldness, not once does he indicate that his father used to act way differently. And yes, Emilie being nice and loving is something that can coexist with her being a bad parent who at best simply allowed Gabriel to isolate Adrien from the world and at worst actively contributed. Adrien only ever mentions that she was nice, not that she ever disagreed with his father on how to raise him.

Please do correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think a child who is used to being assured of his own worth and loved so unconditionally for 13 years would so completely internalize the contradictory idea that he has to earn love by being whatever the other person wants him to be in the span of less than a year without any trouble and with no doubts or confusion at all as to why everything is so different from before. The practiced way he wears his masks around others without once suggesting that it was different before at some point indicates that this has been the norm for him. And not once does he seem to expect anything different from anyone as opposed to just Gabriel. You would expect that someone who is used to being unconditionally loved would just expect that and view his father as an exception to the rule, but that's not the case.

To continue from the previous point, Adrien doesn't react to being shown unconditional love like someone who has experienced the feeling before would. Not once does he bemoan the loss of his supposed better treatment prior to Emilie's death. He acts genuinely surprised and shocked when Gabriel is nice to him, like he's never experienced it before. The way he clings to Ladybug's unconditional support like it's the best thing he's ever had doesn't speak of someone who was raised with unconditional love in abundance. He genuinely does not know how to not put up a front all the time in front of everyone because he believes that is what everyone expects of him, which is something that he probably shouldn't think if he spent 13 years of his life being loved and supported unconditionally and being able to be himself.

As evidence for this being a lifelong thing and not just something that started after Emilie died, consider the fact that Adrien's childhood dream is to be whatever his parents wanted him to be. Idk about y'all but the fact that this child had no dreams and desires of his own except to be his parents' little doll says a lot about how he was raised, and only proves that he's never really seen himself as someone who gets to have his own desires outside of pleasing his parents and having to earn their love even as a child, proving my point that this isn't something that started less than a year ago.

No, but Wishmaker really did shit all over the "Adrien's life only became bad after Emilie's death" argument huh. I sincerely question why anyone thinks that Emilie wasn't abusive after watching that episode.

And idk, the fact that he was constantly mind-controlled by his parents his whole life should be enough to understand that they are abusive pieces of shit.

My impression is that it got worse after Emilie died but was pretty bad before already (I mean, I thought it couldn't get much worse than mind-control, but Gabriel the asshat managed to make it happen). But honestly, the show has such an inconsistent tone with their portrayal of Emilie. They seem to want her to be seen as a good and loving and perfect mother, but then there are so many unfortunate implications regarding her treatment of Adrien that they just... do not acknowledge.

#MLB #Miraculous Ladybug #Adrien Agreste #Gabriel Agreste #Emilie Agreste #Chat Noir #Meta #My meta #ML Salt #ML Writing Salt #Abuse cw #Abuse tw

[leewritestoomuch]

I've been so obsessed with Rock Lee for the last few months after getting into Naruto and I'm so glad someone's taking requests for my favourite ninja! If it's not too much trouble, I'd like to see you write Rock Lee helping reader stretch before a work out but since reader isn't really flexible or is just not all that active, they make a lot of, ahem, suggestive noises while stretching. Love your work, can't wait to see more!!

Rock Lee Helping Reader Stretch

Warnings: Suggestive, borderline NSFW. It’s implied.

Basically: You make noises while stretching that Rock Lee’s horny brain can’t ignore.

Recently, your joints and muscles have been killing you. Maybe your half ass stretching routine wasn’t doing the trick, you figured. Even though you knew change had to happen, you just didn’t know how to stretch your muscles out properly for the extensive training you do with Lee.

Usually he shows up earlier than you, so you don’t see him stretching, but you know he’s keen on making sure he stretches properly so he’s probably stretching for a while beforehand. So you decide to show up 40 minutes before you usually would, seeing him just now setting up to stretch and warmup.

He’d clearly been out jogging prior to this. And in your mind, you know he’s done a runners stretch so isn’t that enough? Why does he need to stretch again? (Him and Gai would both scream at you for this way of thinking)

“Hi Lee.” You greet him with a small smile, already exhausted from the training you haven’t even started just by looking at his energetic, muscular self. Somewhere in your mind, you’ve managed to convince yourself that you’re winded from the walk to the training grounds, and that Lee is not the reason your breath catches in your throat.

You’ve seen him like this for so long, I mean, you’re on the same team as him now. The only 4 person squad, 5 if you count Gai sensei. You’re so close to all of them, and that’s been normal. Perfectly normal. But recently, your eyes linger on Lee just a little too long.

“Oh hey y/n! I didn’t see you there!” He smiles, the white of his teeth flashing at you in the sun line. Sometimes you wonder how he’s so positive, but then again, you don’t mind it so much anymore. He literally glows though, you swear on it.

“Can I ask you a favor?” You ask, suddenly a little nervous. Your palms are sweating. You try to ignore that.

“Of course! What is it that you want to ask?” He asks, enthusiastically. His smile is almost infectious.

“My joints and muscles ‘n shit are killing me. Can you help me stretch? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong…” You move your neck like you’re trying to get out a knot or something.

Lee agrees, and decides to start simple. He has you put your arms behind your back, your hands joined together, and tells you to stretch them back as far as you can. Then do the same with the front.

After that, he has you do a similar thing with your hands joined over your head before moving down to the ground to stretch out your upper body best. Then your shoulders, elbows, and neck all separately. Then he has you get on the ground to stretch out your back.

And maybe he didn’t think too much about the position, but have you stretch your back up and lower yourself down also meant your ass was up in the air as you arched your back. You realize how embarassing the position is, and what you don’t notice is the way his cheeks flush and he pries his eyes away from your body.

“U-uh great! Let’s do legs!” He says rather quickly, helping you to get into as low of a splits position that you can, before having you lean forward. To get the best stretch, he pushes down on your body a tiny bit. And before you can stop yourself, you let out a moan.

His hands still against your back, and your eyes go wide as you freeze too. Soon you feel him move away, telling you to switch sides. And he repeats the same thing on this side. Much to your disdain, an even louder moan accidentally slips from your mouth. Curse yourself for not being able to be quiet at a time like this.

When you finally sit back up, he’s staring at you. You can’t help but gulp down any salvia you had in your mouth. Then you notice the way his hands are covering the front of his pants. When he notices where your eyes shifted, his blush intensifies and he starts stammering.

“I-I am so sorry! I didn’t mean— you were just—“ you cut his rambling off with a kiss, crawling over closer to him. You situate yourself on his lap, his hands darting out for your hips. The kiss doesn’t break until you’re both desperate for more air than you can get with your mouths connected. Before your mutual panting even halts, he smashes his lips back onto your desperately. And at this point, he’s boldly getting handsy.

You can feel the desperation and lust through his finger tips and they find their way around your body. Any curve, dip, anything, he feels for it. And soon he’s laying back on the grass, panting as a string of saliva connects the both of you even as you part.

The look in his eyes told you that what was about to happen at these training grounds should not happen at the training grounds. Your eyes told him you didn’t care the least about that, however.

#rock lee x reader #rock lee smut #Lee x reader #Naruto x reader #naruto shippuden x reader #naruto shippuden #rock lee naruto #naruto rock lee #naruto lee #naruto Shippuden Lee #rock lee shippuden #rock lee x you #rock lee #Naruto smut

[jacky-rubou]

Planning to write an essay on the limited Ford and Mabel bonding in the show and well, I thought of approaching you if you have any pointers. Especially dispelling any misconceptions by the fandom whether Ford overlooked Mabel or the bond she shared with her brother.

I think the main misconception I see is that Ford didn't care about Mabel at all in comparison to Dipper. Or, in some ridiculously extreme cases, that he hates her.

People forget that Mabel was the first twin he interacted with, and it was largely positive. Ford laughed and said he liked her when she stated that his six fingered handshake was one finger friendlier than normal.

The Last Mabelcorn being the episode where Ford interacted with Mabel the most gives a big insight into how he feels about her. First, he agreed with Mabel when she stated she was probably the most pure of heart in the room (i forget the exact phrasing but same difference). He trusted her with the unicorn mission, even knowing that the unicorns were difficult. And last of all, he directly tells her that she is a good person without even knowing the struggle she went through with her morality moments prior.

Dipper and Mabel vs The Future is contentious in this regard, fans often using it as proof that Ford doesn't care about Mabel just because he asked Dipper to stay in Gravity Falls. But honestly, Ford cared enough to observe Mabel's social skills with the pizza delivery guy, plus probably witnessing plenty of instances of Mabel handling herself without Dipper's help. He genuinely believed that Mabel could handle being without her brother outside of the summers.

Plus, it isn't like Mabel was forthright about her feelings about leaving Gravity Falls and growing up until she blew up at the end of the episode. Obviously there are things to be said about Ford taking Dipper on as an apprenticeship being a good or a bad idea depending on who you ask, but Ford didn't know how badly Mabel would take it. He thought he was doing Dipper a favor by giving him a head start on his studies and, as I previously mentioned, that Mabel would be fine at home. That the two could reach a compromise if needed.

Ford isn't perfect though, he does tend to project himself onto Dipper after finding out how similar he thinks he is to him. That might've affected how often he spends with either twin or how he saw their bond, but to say that he doesn't care about Mabel at all is simply misguided. He cares about them both so much. His traumatic experience with his own twin just tainted how he saw the twins' bond being something that could be potentially suffocating. He does sorta have a point though, Dipper and Mabel can't force each other to stay glued at the hip forever or it could potentially stifle their individual dreams if handled badly. But that's just my 'controversial' opinion right there i guess, so take it with a grain of salt if you wish.

And besides, if we were gonna get upset at Ford for favoring Dipper over Mabel, you might as well also get upset at Stan for favoring Mabel over Dipper in some honestly worse ways than Ford ever did to Mabel. Stan literally projected his father's abusive ways onto Dipper and justified being hard on him with 'toughening him up'. Not to mention how he made Dipper the butt of his jokes so often it drove Dipper to seek out time with Ford over him because Ford never made fun of him like that. Obviously Stan does care about Dipper too, but the double standards in this fandom when it comes to how the grunkles treat the twins is honestly flabbergasting. Neither grunkle is perfect in how they handle the twins, neither are 'better' in their methods, and I think that's the point.

it doesn't help that Ford doesn't get a lot of screentime compared to Stan, as i'm sure you're already aware.

anyway, if you have any more questions, feel free to let me know. hope this was a good insight into all this Ford and Mabel business.

#AskJacky #analysis #gravity falls #ford pines #stanford pines #grunkle ford #ford and mabel #mabel pines #dipper pines #stan pines #< didn't mention him much but it still counts #i hope this is reasonably accurate #i feel like it is #but sometimes i fail to realize something and it all flops lol

[ofoceansandtombsanew]

hi there! you are once again about to see a message regarding your chainsaw man fics. specifically the makima x reader duology :D absolutely gorgeous fics. I would love to know what Makima's perspective was of the events of part 1. Do you think she had birds spying on reader? Do you think she somehow heard the convos with the shopkeep and understood what they were saying? (my personal headcanon is that she knows, like, every language. fear is a universal language and the Control Devil has existed since the dawn of time!) anyways, thank you so much for writing such an incredible piece of literature :)))

Oooh I think this is the first time someone's ever asked about Makima's perspective of the events of part 1!

Before she developed any sort of interest in the reader, she didn't really have enough interest to specifically spy on her. She didn't think much of their partnership in general other than the fact that they were partners for however long until the reader either died or otherwise retired from being a devil hunter.

Once her interest was piqued by Reader refusing to listen to her, Makima's focus was on testing to see if Reader's refusal to listen to her orders was a one time thing. So she kept on giving subtle orders for an extended period of time, testing to see how Reader would react to them. When the order refusals kept on happening, Makima is pretty much in awe after that. I didn't write the scene with the shopkeep with Makima spying on that conversation in mind but I do see there being instances where Makima does start doing that before their relationship together. By part 2, it's something she does around the time Reader is expected to show up to their home to make sure that you get home safely. It's no different than a cat looking out the window waiting for its human to pop back up.

But using animals to spy on Reader and your whereabouts isn't something Makima does consistently.

By offering the contract not to use her abilities as the Control Devil on you, she essentially was placing her trust in the relationship she has with you. That she's managed to craft a relationship where she didn't need her abilities to force someone to care about her. That you'll always come home to her because you choose to. That you will always choose her.

But prior to that relationship being established, Makima sucks at connecting with people and it wasn't like the Reader was fond of Makima for a while so she was still lonely. So having someone who was simply human and wasn't an all-powerful being as a prospective equal was pretty much a beacon of light for Makima.

So Reader reaching out to invite Makima to dinner after work was pretty much a gift in her eyes. All without Makima having to tell you to do so. So from that moment on she stops using her power to connect with you, it's just hard to control the urge when she is dealing with her insecurities, her inexperience with a normal relationship and her envy regarding your relationship with Himeko.

Himeko is pretty much seen as a threat in part 1 before you start dating. Makima's definitely contemplated killing her and getting rid of her but it isn't something she thinks about (often) when you start going out together. At that point your relationship with Himeko is a minor wrinkle she can't really iron at.

Makima's biggest worry at that point in time was whether or not she could consistently remain in this relationship with Reader as they were without ever succumbing to her nature as the Control Devil. Sometimes wondering if the entire relationship was simply just a dream she'd eventually wake up from. Or that even the Reader would decide that someone like Makima isn't worth being with which only makes her desire to control the reader stronger.

Hoping that she could give an order that Reader could succumb to. There's relief in that hypothetical reassurance it would give that you would be incapable of leaving her.

But that hypothetical relief is immediately washed over by despair and anxiety because if there was ever an order you could succumb to, that would only solidify that she can't make equal relationships with anybody. That only one being could do it.

Which is why she orders the Reader to sleep with her towards the end of the story, which you thankfully refuse before she divulges the truth about her identity. Something you take in stride rather than recoil in fear, leaving her alone.

Instead you stay and accept her contract of a lifetime, marriage in her eyes. So staying with the Bureau was meaningless at that point. She wanted a simple life with her beloved, so she left. There was no need for idols like Chainsaw Man and seeing if he could be found if Makima already had the relationship she wanted.

So from there, you and Makima live together in abstract bliss in a new city until... some unfortunate events happen in part 2. But hey you find each other again so it all works out!

#look she's answering #anon #csm x reader #makima x reader

[mx-piggy]

Just finished season 1 of the Afterparty and I felt like writing my thoughts about it. I'd also love to chat with other people about this show, so feel free to comment, rb or DM me! Spoilers ahead!

I'm definitely going to have to rewatch it at some point (maybe after season 2 is fully out, so I can watch them back-to-back), because I want to see how everything plays out in hindsight, and see what details I can pick up on.

I started watching this show because I saw a gif from the most recent episode in season 2 ('Hannah', I think) and it looked kinda gay. That's how I started watching the Last of Us. And many other shows. I'm a lonely, desperate queer.

Overall, I really enjoyed it! I'm a fan of all the genres it combined, and I think they worked really well together. I feel like, even if you don't gel well with the comedy, the compelling mystery and characters make it worth a watch. I loved the format of having a different sort of genre in each episode, with my favourite styles being Chelsea and Yasper. And, I adore unreliable narrators.

The only episode I went into knowing the genre (or in Zoe's case, the medium) were Aniq and Zoe, but I correctly guessed that Brett was going to have an action-style 'movie', Yasper's was going to be a musical, Chelsea's was going to be a thriller kind of movie and that Maggie's was going to be kiddie-fied. Guessing the genre's not an achievement though, despite my sense of pride.

I didn't correctly guess the killer until I did my thing of reading a reader-insert fic just before the finale, and a line in there (something to do with 'keeping secrets') made me think 'oh shit'. It wasn't necessarily a spoiler, but it did make it click for me, and I noticed things in the finale leading up to the reveal, like Yasper being absent from when Aniq woke up. Before that spoiler, though, I guessed it was probably Walt, though I did suspect he was just a red herring. Part of me also had this crack theory that it'd be a 'Who Shot Mr. Burns' thing where Maggie killed him by accident (funny how they share the same name), or that she'd witnessed Xavier fall accidentally.

Speaking of which, I think the conclusion was satisfying and made sense in the way Danner explained it. I'm hoping it'll hold up on rewatch- I'm guessing it will. It made sense, and I think it's impressive for this kind of comedy show to commit to having one of their charismatic main characters being the killer, instead of copping out and make it be someone we don't really care about. Well, I cared about Yasper at the very least. I was one of my favourite characters, and I'm very sad that he's probably rotting in prison. But, I'm glad he had his moment of fame.

Since this is fiction, I'm allowed to say 'fair enough' to Yasper murdering Xavier. I think everyone at that party should have been more grateful to Yasper for getting rid of him. (/lh) Though I think it would have been hilarious if everyone was actually grateful, instead of them all celebrating that the killer had been caught. That said, even though I love Yasper and I condone what he did, it felt kinda nice for Danner's investigation to be celebrated, even though I'm not a fan of cops.

That said, I do have a small issue with the finale that is entirely personal to me and my preferences, and this could easily be fixed if I wrote an angsty fanfiction like I normally do. So, my problem is that I wish that the revelation of what Yasper did had more of an emotional impact on Aniq. I know that they haven't spoken in two years prior to that night, but they were best friends in high school, and I think it's kind of dismissive that they went straight from 'Aniq feels betrayed that his friend would do something like this' to 'now he's kissing Zoe in the car'. I know it's a comedy and it'd be weird for the season to end on such a depressing note, especially since in the end the murder isn't taken that seriously by Yasper (in a scene I sincerely enjoyed and felt kind of happy for him in). Speaking of which, I read some analysis on Yasper and the perception of success in terms of careers that was really interesting and I'll link here, so that kind of makes that scene a little sad because Yasper would rather be an infamous killer than a guy with a successful career. But, y'know it's a comedy so I'll try not to think about that or I'll be sad.

Now I'll get onto the characters, specifically the main ones. I like them all as characters. I'll only go into depth about the characters who get an episode named after them, Xavier and Walt.

Aniq is really charismatic, and I think he's a fun main character to have even if he's not the most interesting necessarily. I think it makes sense to have such a puzzle-oriented character as the main character in a murder mystery. Plus, he's a genuinely nice guy, so it makes it so you don't want to see him get sent to prison. I'm pretty sure he's the main character of season 2 as well, so I'm happy to see him return.

I really like Zoe, too! I was worried that she would just be 'the artsy, perfect love interest' that you see in teen movies, so I really liked to see her story of struggling with who she is and what she wants. It really resonated with me, and her episode was really interesting to watch. Personally, her episode reminded me a little of BoJack Horseman (the show, not the character). I don't really understand why her episode has such a harsh rating on IMDB, because I think the storytelling and use of animation to further characterise and flesh out Zoe was really effective.

I like Zoe and Aniq's relationship too, and I think that's really impressive because of how I struggle to get on board with canon relationships in rom-coms. A lot of the time, it feels like I'm watching a kid holding their Barbie and Ken dolls in either hand and repeating 'don't you think they should kiss?' But, with Aniq and Zoe, they had genuine chemistry (no pun intended) and they both work as individual characters outside of their relationship.

Yasper is one of my favourite characters in the show, probably second to a character I'll get onto in a minute. I think he's a great subversion of the 'best friend hypeman' trope, where he actually has motivations and goals outside of his best friend. I was worried that his character was going to just be the 'oblivious loudmouth best friend', and, like with Zoe, I was thankfully proven wrong. He was a delightfully complex character who did the world a service. I can't be bothered to analyse him in the detail I'd like to, so all I'll say is that I am going to spend some time tomorrow reading some angsty Yasper fics.

So, my favourite character in the show was Chelsea, and I'm honestly so in love with her it's insane. Her character was so complex and interesting, and on a personal level she was really easy to empathise with. I knew early on that she wasn't the killer, and that she was just a fucked up woman who deserved so much better in life. It made me so happy to see her making amends with Zoe, and to see how nice Yasper and Aniq were to her, because all she really needed was to escape the high schooler judgement and be afforded some compassion and kindness. And, I found it simultaneously heartbreaking and heartwarming that she was so used to the feeling of being judged and ostracised that she didn't get revenge on Xavier and wrote that apology on Aniq's hand for him drinking her cat roofies. Her arc was the most satisfying to watch for me. I'm devastated that she's only in season 1 (though I get it from a narrative standpoint). Hoping she will live on through fanfiction.

Brett was also a surprise to me, because I assumed he was just going to be a total loser who thinks he's a badass and that's it. But, I really like how he was actually a decent dad to Maggie as well. Like, sure, you shouldn't leave your kid alone in a car for a prolonged period or speed when your kid's in the car (or at all), but still. It was really sweet to see the joy on Maggie's face when her dad was living out some Fast and the Furious fantasy. And, I like how the motivation of his episode was to get the koala back. It made me giggle.

Danner was a really interesting character to watch. Again, I'm not a fan of cops, but I personally feel like her character is well-done. She's someone working against a shitty system as best she can. She'll do what's right as opposed to staying in favour with her colleagues who believe in protecting their own than pursuing true justice. I like how she's very unconventional in her approach, where she knows she'll find something relevant in seemingly unnecessary details. It makes her a really interesting investigative character. Plus, I really like Danner's personality; she's also a very charismatic character, minus the being a cop thing.

Walt wasn't my favourite character but I still liked him enough. It was kinda depressing (in a fun way, though) at times to see him be so overlooked by his peers. I thought it was funny that, in Maggie's version of events, he's a puppet who just says 'Walt'. And, I liked that he's so overlooked that his designated episode (High School) isn't named after him and we don't really get his perspective as much as we did with the other characters. It fit a lot with the outcast, background role of the character, where his own party, his own story isn't even about him. It was nice that they remembered his name in the end.

Maggie is so precious to me fr. She's such a sweet kid and I want to adopt her. Her joy is so infectious.

Now onto Xavier. As a character, Xavier was really incredible. As a person, I'm overjoyed that someone took the initiative to dispose of him. His relationship with Yasper was so interesting, and I like that we got to see his origins as a kinda dorky teenager who wants to reinvent himself and is heartbroken 'heterosexually' when his best friend wants to break up their band. So much so that he gets into a fight with the guy his best friend definitely isn't in love with. But, he fucked over my darling Chelsea and my guy Aniq. He makes shitty music. The only good thing he ever did was make Maggie's favourite movie. Overall, he is basically Jamie Tartt, if Jamie was murdered before he could become the man we all know and love today. I mean, neither of them wear shirts under their suits, and Dave Franco and Phil Dunster have some physical similarities.

I'm really looking forward to watching season 2 and to rewatching the whole show. And to reading some angsty Aniq/Yasper/Xavier fanfics. And to hopefully finding some fanart to reblog. I need to consume fan content for this show and these characters. Especially Chelsea.

#the afterparty #the afterparty spoilers #long post #the afterparty season 1 #aniq adjaye #zoe zhu #detective danner #yasper lennov #i won't bother tagging the characters who don't have surnames on wikipedia

[youngjustus]

raven’s name has technically been rachel roth for 20 years too but im not fucking calling her that lmao…idk for me it’s partially 1) fuck johns and the way he sought to completely change kon’s character and spit in the face of all his prior development just to make his stupid fan theory canon 2) having a character go from going by kon to conner is like going from tim to timothy. why make it longer, yfeel? and 3) 50% of the people who call him conner misspell it as connor, which would be fine (annoying, but ultimately harmless) except dc already has a connor, and i’m vehemently against dc’s inability to come up with an original name for any of their characters. hashtag team jon should’ve been given literally any other name bc there’s already like 6 jonathan kents

i know there is a lot to criticize about johns's run, but i honestly don't find a lot of things with what he did with conner leading up to his death in infinite crisis in terms of characterization to be out of character. although, full disclosure, i haven't revisited teen titans vol. 3 in [checks calendar] 7 years, so there might be some gaps in my memory.

i like that he's getting used to having an actual structured life with going to school and living in a house with parents that care about him. he's also still dealing with the aftermath of the finale of his solo series and graduation day! he's adjusting! it would be normal for him to feel weird and off. this is a post that i made a few years ago with a good addition from another user that puts this well.

however, i do generally dislike the luthor reveal because of how many stories that came after for conner have so heavily focused on it, when a) we already did something similar in the 90's with his original backstory and b) it contributes to one of the most annoying fan discourses i've had to see for my entire comics reading experience regarding superman being a 'dead beat dad'. unfortunately, at this point, it is a part of canon that is ingrained in too many fans and writers' heads, and is tied into too many plot lines for them to go away with it. such is the nature of a shared intellectual property! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i think i'm probably misreading what you're saying, but kon isn't short for conner, and i don't think tim's full name is a good comparison. they’re two separate names. i've posted about the origin's of the name kon-el a few times over the years, and i even have the issue where he receives it in my personal comic collection. it is a very important part of the character's history, and a good thing to point to when people doubt the positive relationship between conner and superman. the name is one with real history, and it is a gift!

this is where my own headcanons and speculation comes in: it makes the most amount of sense to me that conner is a name that he specifically chose himself when he was adopted by the kents.

if somehow i missed a random issue of superman or action comics from between when his superboy series was canceled to him showing up in teen titans that gives an origin to the civilian name conner kent, or even just an interview with the creatives discussing the issue the name first shows up in, please send it my way!

if such a comic or interview does not exist, and if i ever had the chance to write the character, this is 100% something i'd like to explore. i have my own ideas that i've thought about a lot over the years (and even a middle name picked, too).

i also think that there are much bigger problems with dc comics than a few characters sharing a first name. like a lot more problems.

conner is his name as much as it is kon, and it's not wrong to call him it in the way that it's not wrong to refer to superman as clark or kal. the comparison at the start of this ask to raven is interesting, but i think the key difference there is that rachel roth feels like a regression (she's deaged and put in high school) and to me conner kent is further growth (being with the family that wants him in their lives).

#asks #super posting #conner kent #kon el

[cycat4077]

Hello. So I have this thought that maybe Sonny Carisi is comforting his best friend after another awful date or break up. She's upset because she thought she be settled, married and have children by now. He also thought he'd be settled etc as well.

So they jokingly make this deal that if they aren't both married by a certain age, they will get married.

Totally makes her laugh and kind of cheers her up. But he's totally crushing on her. Time passes they are both still very much single and are now both much still crushing on each other.

So now they are like what should we do? It was a joke right. He doesn't feel that way....

I'm sooooo sorry that this took so long to reply to. I really wanted to write a little ficlet for it and even started it...but I got super busy with school stuff that I lost motivation for this. So, I scrapped the original and jotted this down. Hope it's okay! I really love this idea and think Sonny would be the mushiest romantic over something like this ♥

When you call Sonny up he's there in record time. He's always been there for you and a bad breakup is no different. Being with the same person for nearly 3 years really got you thinking about the future. Marriage, kids and nearing 30, they seemed like reasonable things to think about.

But Sonny reassures you that it's not your fault. That the guy you were dating was manipulative and tried to dictate your life too much and that you shouldn't feel ashamed for standing up for yourself and leaving.

Sonny wants nothing more than to blurt out his feelings for you. He's the one person who has supported you unconditionally for years - through the good and the bad - and it's through that close friendship that Sonny knows he loves you. Except, now isn't the right time to say it. You are emotionally vulnerable and he would never want to take advantage of that vulnerability for his own gain. Besides, would you even like him like that if you had a clear head?

Instead, Sonny simply listens intently and reassures you of your decisions. You tell him about your fear of getting older and not finding someone to settle down with, which tugs at his heart strings even more.

Finally the tears turn to laughter and you blurt out what's meant to be a joke: "Let's make a deal, Son," you smirk. "If neither of us are married in say, 7 years? Then we marry each other, 'kay?"

"Why 7 years?" questions Sonny.

"That's the part you're hung up on?!" you giggle.

Suddenly the chuckles devolve into something different. There's a tension in the air. The space between the two of you suddenly feels heated. You don't know what it is but you can't help but look into Sonny's eyes which seem somehow even more alive.

You abruptly avert your gaze and quietly thank him for being there for you. Sonny reiterates that there is no thanks needed. He will always be there for you. The two of you share an embrace before he leaves for the night.

The years pass by and the two of you devote yourselves to your careers; Sonny even becomes an ADA. This new focus causes you to see less and less of each other, but as the old saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Sure you try dating, but no one seems to fit together with you like Sonny does. And it suddenly dawns on you that you had made a promise 7 years prior.

Your heart thunders thinking about it. All these years, you realize that it was him you liked - loved. He's the person who can make you smile and can make you feel whole when you've been torn down. Plus, his hugs are the absolute best thing in the universe!

The question is, does he feel the same? If he hasn't said anything after all these years it must be because he thinks of you as only a friend...right?

---

Sonny hears a knock on his apartment door and jogs over to answer it. He wasn't expecting company and had been neck deep in reviewing the legalities of his latest case.

But it's you. Immediately he opens the door and asks if everything is okay. Afterall, your infrequent visits are normally scheduled into your busy lives.

You simply say that you need to talk.

No questions asked, he welcomes you inside. Busy as you two may be, if it is important you are there for one another.

"Sonny," you begin softly. "Do you remember that breakup I had 7 years ago?" He nods affirmatively. "Well, we made a promise that day - I guess it was kind of a joke, but it's been on my mind lately."

Sonny swallows thickly. He knows the exact promise you are referring to. It's haunted him for 7 years.

"I - I guess we're 7 years older and both still single."

Sonny's heart feels like it's about to beat right out of his chest.

"I not here to demand we get married or anything crazy like that," you play with your shirt hem nervously. "But I think I need to tell you something and I hope it won't change our friendship. I - um, well...It's you, Son. It's always been you. I wasted so much time looking for something that had been right in front of my nose the whole time. There's no one I care more about and no one who makes me feel more cared about than you. I think I'm in lo-"

"I love you, too," blurts Sonny, unable to hide the brightest of smiles.

#my fanfic #an ask! in my askbox #misscharlielulu #sonny carisi #sonny carisi x reader

[anoddopal]

🐰 Thoughts: [Pre]Alabasta/Alabasta Arc

[WAIT A SECOND OFFICER! I CAN EXPLAIN MYSELF! ➡️ The ritalin tells me what to write and I just spew out nonsense as it comes to me. Anyway, here goes a stim-induced attempt to express a bit more about how these two became an item.]

[POSSIBLE TW: One mention of n00dity, also kinda ominous language towards the end... Listen he's a liar but aside from that they go on to have a very unproblematic relationship!! He just has to be knocked down a peg first!!]

It all starts when Bun-Bun Silva is hired at Rain Di.nners [not Bar.oque Works] to care for the Banana Gators/Ban.anawani that surround the establishment. Prior to her filling the role, it was a difficult position to fill. A job like that isn't exactly an opportunity many people would jump at-- save for a smiling local who seems much more interested in staring at the beasts during the hiring process than looking another human directly in the eyes for longer than necessary.

She takes good care of those gators. Excellent care. She’s happy to show up to her job and do whatever is needed. There’s never a complaint from her end. A bit of a quiet enigma- Silva doesn’t talk much to anyone she crosses paths with at the casino, staff or otherwise. As he does with all of his employees, Cro.codile keeps tabs on her, especially since she’s responsible for the health of his beloved pets. Sometimes the warlord overhears her chattering away to herself/the ban.anawani… she says more to them in a day than she’s ever said to any person at Rain Di.nners during the several months she’s worked there.

She has to be some sort of spy. He’s certain of it. Nobody is that enthusiastic about working with a species of animal that most people run screaming from. This is all a sad attempt to infiltrate his organization.

But after calling her into his office for a little talk he realizes that there’s nothing malicious going on. She really is just a completely innocent, if not eccentric person. And once he asserts that fact, Silva is dismissed.

Or rather, she would be under any other circumstances. Normally, Cro.codile wouldn’t bother with more one-on-one interactions. He’s not a person who entertains potential wastes of his time.

But there’s a lot more going on there than she lets out during that meeting. He can tell. He just can’t tell what it is. And that bothers him. Cro.codile can see how well she works with his pets- the gators are unusually affectionate and happy when she’s around. Silva can also be assertive with the animals, something that’s needed to maintain a safe dynamic with the apex predators. Cro.codile… appreciates that. [He’s not keen on anybody knowing but he is a big animal lover!!]

An offer for dinner is placed on the table. An offer that she almost doesn’t take. An offer that leads to a tension-filled first ‘date’. It becomes apparent to the pirate warlord that this isn’t going to be easy. Silva will not make it easy. Those big brown eyes constantly flutter over him; an attempt to figure out what’s going on in his head, just as he’s trying to figure out what’s going on in hers. Despite how sweet Silva can be, she’s equally as prone to scrutiny. There's a nervousness that radiates off of her, a hesitant wariness- she doesn't want to make any wrong moves. Yet at the same time she will not grovel or cave. Huh. In a way it almost reminds him of his own general caginess. The both of them aren’t keen on letting just anybody in. Someone has to be special for that to happen. The other party has to prove that they’re worth it.

That’s okay. Crocodile can wait and see. He's been patient over the last few years in regards to his scheme to overtake Al.abasta anyhow- why not divert a little in his free time? Everything is going according to plan. In the end, he's always in control.

The courtship undertaking is a give and take. Little tidbits of insight bubble up more and more over time. And they're... peculiar perceptions. It’s not often that somebody manages to catch his eye. And it’s certainly not normal for him to take a legitimate interest in someone who touts a lot of the traits he claims to despise.

Annoying. Weak. Soft. Pathetic. Naive. A bleeding heart.

Yet at the same time; Guarded. Private. Careful. Just a bit cynical/jaded. Even a bit of a misanthrope.

Ah... she's just enough of a realist to know that notions such as fulfilling dreams and obtaining justice are novelties few can afford. Yet her acknowledgment of how sobering reality is does little to crush her stubborn optimism. The world should have crushed someone like her long ago. And while while it certainly has bent her, she refuses to let it break her.

Humans are hypocritical in nature. Sir Cro.codile is no exception. Ironically someone like Silva - someone with so many facets he’s incapable of appreciating in others - is exactly the type of person he can trust with his life. With his secret. As a consequence of the connection between them continuing to build, that’s exactly what he ends up doing.

Silva doesn’t worship him like the hero the rest of the country thinks he is. She doesn’t shrink in terror because of his warlord status, either. Instead she’s curious about the man behind all that. Someway, somehow, she manages to point out his “positive” traits. She values his person in a way nobody ever has before. Cro.codile can’t help but let a thin lipped smile spread on his features every time they’re alone together.

When he isn’t dealing with his shady enterprise or mummifying invading pirates, he ardently seeks her out. She’s endearing to him. The way she likes to hide under his plush fur coat. The way she holds his rough, calloused hand. Hell, sometimes she even reaches out to hold his hook. When he’s trying to catch up on mundane work she often hangs out in his office, sprawled out on a chaise lounge while she babbles away about whatever is on her mind. [There are many, many conversations about animals that take place between them!] She has a penchant for sass and playful banter, but Crocodile finds himself uncharacteristically unbothered by it. There’s something about her audacity that he finds amusing. He hardly minds the misguided nagging. Something lurches in his chest when she places tiny kisses along the length of his facial scar. There’s probably a corny phase to insert here about how pirates adore their treasure, but in Cro.codile’s case? He absolutely covets her. If anyone dared made her feel uncomfortable he’d reduce them to nothing more than a dried out husk.

Silva makes him feel so… so… well, she makes him feel. There’s a certain kind of power she holds over him; the power to worm her way into his thoughts, his life, his heart…

… How did this happen? How could he have let himself become so weak? He’d resent her if he didn’t love her so much.

It wasn’t supposed to play out like this. He wasn’t supposed to get in this deep. She was an anomaly; not part of the plan. This has all gone too far. She doesn’t even know about his master scheme- Cro.codile makes sure he keeps his work life and his love life separate. Silva only knows as much as the general population of Al.abasta does as far as his profession goes. He’s smart enough to know that she’d recoil from him if she knew that he was methodically bringing her homeland to ruination. It’s best to let sleeping dogs lie, he figures. How ironic was it - that the very person who knew the absolute most about him - had no idea as to what would occur because of him in the near future?

She’ll know soon enough, he tells himself. On that night she’s curled up next to him in bed, with nothing but his green fur coat to cover her naked form. A pretty gemstone ring glimmers on her left ring finger; opal and rose gold, just like she told him she wanted. All Crocodile can do is reflect over how she managed to best him. A feat that nobody before her had ever been able to achieve. His vision for the future changed the very minute she came into his life. He can admit that [to himself]... Part of him was aware of that from the very beginning.

That doesn’t mean his objective to usurp the Kingdom of Al.abasta is going to be thrown to the side. Rather, he simply adjusts his plan to include her in it. Not that he’s going to need a queen, but he’d love nothing more than for her to be his. How romantic.

It’s not like she’d reject the idea. He’s confident Silva is far too loyal to detach from him once everything is said and done. She's just as invested in what they have together as he is. What’s she going to do? Say “no”?

[Huh? Well of course he’s still an awful person. What- did you think the power of love was enough to change the man?]

Of course, the course of events don’t play out in Sir Cro.codile’s favor. He's defeated and sent to Im.pel Down. Al.abasta is saved. Silva packs her bags and leaves her home to find a new place in the world. They’re [as far as they know] separated permanently. It's over.

...

Or maybe... maybe it's merely a little break? Maybe fate has something else in store for the both of them... an inevitable unconventional crossing of paths? A reunion of sorts?

...

Maybe it's really only just begun. >:3

#Did I take exactly a month to write an infodump post in present tense? #Yes. Yes I did. #NGL I'm not very pleased with my writing at the moment- but this is as good as it's going to get for the time being. #This was actually meant to be about their ship dynamic and detail some specific scenarios but it quickly became a rant about BACKSTORY LORE #I guess that will have to be a different post! #sorry for getting all cryptic at the end there #listen there's drama okay. how could there NOT be drama?? #Spoiler Alert: These two are going to be back in each other's arms and more invested than EVER- #i feel like a fool for posting this #there are probably so many typos and incorrect fluidity to the sentence structure and IDC IDC #smoking sandman husband #S/I: Bun-Bun Silva

[faithlesbian]

what do u think the negative reactions to transfem angel are? *cough* kate lockley *cough*

ah! short answer is i don't. I think (aside from being a legitimate lens through which to View The Text) for me the Trans Angel Reading is like, my little passion project and my joint imagined AU that lives in me and @titsgirlbuffy's brains so if im not doing proper analytical posting im mostly filling up that daydream with funny and heartwarming stuff, bc to be honest if i wanna see Angel suffer all i need to do is watch the show. so in short i haven't really given much thought to that side of things.

that being said now you've brought it up i do think the way the supernatural functions as a queer metaphor so often across both shows opens up interesting conversations about discrimination, very much including how Kate lockleys attitude towards demons stood in for other forms of bigotry. we see her becoming more and more hateful and distrustful of the supernatural long before we see her racially profile Gunn, and it would make sense for that to also map on to homophobia and transphobia given that's the more common metaphor. she's not in the show from s3 onwards and I wonder if that would've changed how certain plotlines that used that metaphor were handled, such as the s3 episode that old gang of mine which imo handled almost everything very poorly bc by placing demons as a (thinly veiled) stand in for queer people and putting Gunn in the middle of the conflict it basically ended up saying you can't be black and queer without betraying one of those communities?? I need to write like a proper post about that episode at some point bc they fucked that in ways.

anyway i realise i haven't like answered your question at all but i think while there would obviously be Early '00s Transphobia it wouldn't be from any of the main characters. Fred would probably have the hardest time processing I think, bc she had such a crush on Angel (handsome man who saved her from the monsters) and I don't think it's something she likely has prior experience with given her Normal Texas Upbringing, but that'd come from confusion rather than disapproval and it wouldn't take her long to get over. I think Wesley would also have the same problem given that imo Angel was basically the cause of his gay awakening in ats s1 so he's like the person who made me realise I like men... isn't actually a man... but that's Wesley's personal crisis and he wouldn't let it affect his support for angel

#this is very rambly but oh well!! #angel #asks

[orangepanic]

Directors cut for the uncommon rainsss

Aw, thank you.

Sigh. After the Uncommon Rains. Though it's not yet finished, this is without a doubt my least popular long fic. Despite some initial interest, even most of the people who normally read my stuff (all 2-5 of you, bless) aren't really picking this one up - or if they are, they aren't telling me about it. I have a few theories as to why this one is a flop, but that's not what you asked. Besides, I personally love it, so I'm gonna gush about it anyway. Maybe someone out there will give it a chance. And to the few readers it has, thank you!

As I explain in the summary and author's note, "After the Uncommon Rains" is essentially Jane Austen's last novel, Persuasion, rewritten as a Western. Some of this is self-serving. Persuasion is my favorite Jane Austen, and one I think is generally severely underrated in favor of others like Emma or Pride and Prejudice. In it we have characters who aren't in the throes of folly and misunderstanding, but actually living with the consequences of that previous folly. The action opens with main protagonist, Anne Elliott, faced with the prospect of reuniting with Frederick Wentworth, a man with whom she was deeply in love and briefly engaged to some seven years prior. Her family disapproved of Frederick's lack of wealth; Anne caved to their pressure and broke it off. She's been miserable ever since. Frederick, however, is now the dashing and very rich Captain Wentworth, having made his fortune on the very wit and intelligence that Anne fell in love with. Now he's back. And oh boy, does he hate her for breaking his heart.

So immediately this screams Irosami to me. What I love about Anne and Frederick is that their attraction isn't just physical, but intellectual. They both love culture and reading and learning about the world, and have good hearts and strong moral compasses and are brave and selfless with their friends. Which is what I see as the chief attractions of an Irosami ship as well. Their minds are made for each other just as much as their bodies. But I didn't just want to re-write Persuasion with Iroh as the naval captain and Asami as the quiet victim of her family's hatred of benders. Not only was that boring, but it didn't quite fit. Asami stands up to her father in canon. She doesn't take anyone's shit. Of the two of them, I think Iroh the more likely to cave to the pressures of honor and duty. Therefore, Iroh is a more obvious Anne. And Asami, the ambitious and talented 19-year old CEO with a bit of a temper and ride-or-die loyalty, is a better Frederick. It also allowed me to bring in more members of the OC family I've already created for Iroh, including especially his little sister.

I also wanted to do something fun with the setting. I personally struggle when I have to follow another work too closely, so I thought the challenge of making Persuasion work outside of Edwardian England would help. I've been playing with the idea of a Western for a while. So, why not? A Western it became. What is Anne's stay at the Musgroves became Iroh working at Tenzin's sky bison ranch in the Si Wong desert, and Captain Wentworth's success in the navy became Asami's inheritance of Future Industrial Railroad, which just happens to be building a line out that way.

The most fun I've had with this fic is hands-down the worldbuilding I've had to do for the setting. I've done so much research on cattle ranching and clothing styles and climate and locomotives. I've looked at so many pictures of dresses and hats and trains. I have my friend with a horse on speed dial to ask her questions about riding and the care of ostrich horses. I feel like I invent a plant or animal or food every ten lines. It's really great. Is it a coach or a carriage? Did you know that there's a difference?

By far the least fun - or maybe just the hardest - is matching up all the characters. In the novel there are far fewer main characters. The Musgroves' two daughters are Anne's only real rivals for Wentworth's affections. But in this fic I had to figure out what to do with all the air kids, all the Beifongs, Korra, plus Mako and Bolin. It was absolute chaos, with like five different people filling the roles of two. Other characters don't cleanly map - Baatar Jr. is playing the role of two characters, as is Bolin, while Commander Bumi is more like one and a half and Lin combines the roles of 2-3 bit parts so sometimes I feel like I forget that she's there. The endgame Linumi is based on the flimsiest of side ships. There's no renters of Kellynch, so Frederick's sister and the Admiral's roles are spread out among the cast. The whole plotline of Mr. Elliott, Anne's creepy cousin who almost marries her instead of Frederick, is dramatically reduced because I cut out the entire inheritance sub-plot altogether. Same with Tahno, who is playing a reduced version of Mrs. Clay who doesn't really want to marry Izumi (Sir Elliott), just kind of be a sponge on the family. Basically, it's been chaos.

If there's one mistake I made in planning, I think it's probably trying to force the Korra sami bit. For one, it's probably clear as day to a reader that I don't vibe with the ship because I can't write it to save my life. The whole Korra and Asami dynamic feels awkward and forced to me. Second, though I know it's an AU and 2023 and I'll probably be roasted for this, no one remarking on the same sex relationship also feels weird for both the Western and the Austin genre, mostly because there is always so much about inheritance and marriage there. Nobody batting an eye that Korra wants to marry Asami without addressing money and heirs and all that in a world where those concerns were the driving force of most of the plots seems a glaring omission. Finally, it introduces even more people into the mix, and other side ships like Makopal that I struggle to write or have to spend extra time justifying. I think everything would have gelled better with eventual Makorra and Bopal as the other side ships. Oh well. I wanted Borra. :-) I will live with my choices.

That said, I still love this fic. I'm having fun writing it. It's stretched me in new ways, most notably in it being the first time I've ever worked with beta readers. THANK YOU YOU LOVELY AMAZING PEOPLE. And whether a lot of folks read this story or not, I'm glad that I tried to do something different and difficult.

#irosami #fanfic #director's cut #tlok

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary28

10/2-3/2023

i'm listening to the 1985. they make stupid noise.

today i ate leftovers and recorded vocals, choruses for a song are down now, and i also did vox for one of the new short songs. the bad news is i've gone so long w/o doing vocals (not so long but after getting practiced again and then stopping for like 2 weeks to fix / remaster shit) i've maybe thrown my voice out a little. it's kind of sore, we're gonna see how that is tomorrow, but i should at least be able to do some less intense stuff tomorrow, w/r/t re-recording bits and stuff. and then, i dunno, we'll see, there's at least one song that needs that, and maybe another but i'd probably want to start screeching on the other one, because it's faster.

i've been thinking about fast today a little, a lot of these songs are over 150 bpm, frequently hitting 190, is that a normal bpm for this stuff, is that excessive, some locust songs aren't that fast, should i try a new song where i keep it short and also sit at like, below 150, i dunno. it's stupid anyways. i like 80-ish when i want to go slower, because it's not really slower how i handle it, i just have it at double time mostly so i'm really hitting 160 and then when there's slower ideas i have they feel super slow i guess. but not that slow. really i just like things that are fast and irritating, i talk about that so much.

doing vocals, at least how i was going at it today, was really exhausting even if it's like a bunch of takes on one song and a little less on some parts of another. i felt so lightheaded but i think i'm getting pretty good at just powering through that, which might be stupid but for 40 second long songs it's fine, right. hopefully. and hopefully it doesn't hurt to speak tomorrow.

i also got to write some today, just a little, and i also finally finished this mishima book of short stories i was slowly going through, really good, the last two stories were very strange and the last one especially reminded me of something flannery o'connor might do, someone writing from a place of being obsessed with the consequences of the world as it is, the standard ways of treating people, stuff like that. it's not exactly sympathetic or anything, to the suffering, it doesn't hate them either, it sees the downtrodden as sort of transformed into a force of fate and thus nature, which is not really true outside of the exact kind of character he was writing, an upper middle class person worrying, and her worrying thus transforms them into that, even if she's trying to express empathy, she's already figured that there, beyond her guilt, there is some kind of villain waiting for her, and so there is. the poor are bound to servitude of those psychic fantasies, or something. that feels like what he gets at there, the story prior, is about rich women, and is funny. he really handles the abject's entry/appearance in otherwise "regular" lives very well, as something that can and will meet us all, no matter what, and so the consequences of material reality will always be upon us, even if transformed by our fantasies that freely shape the world (this is the case especially if you are rich).

this isn't some communist reclamation of mishima but i do think even these relatively simplistic stories (the word tales almost seems better (and not all stories in the collection are tales (meaning they aren't quite similar to parables (particularly onnagata and patriotism (interesting that they feel the most tied to his queerness))))) more complex than people would give him credit for. makes me think of what eiko hosoe said when taking photos of mishima, this is a paraphrasing of a translation, it was something about the photos being the destruction of a myth, mishima was always constructing himself and subjecting himself to the elements to return to himself a weathered thing, it felt like, undoing himself as much as possible, because being kept to yourself, subjected to yourself as if it were real, is intolerable. so it makes sense then, to kill yourself theatrically. everyone who tries and succeeds is ultimately a drama queen dealing with this kind of difficulty, probably. i know i am. maybe i just relate too much, and it is different for others. i mean, i know it is, ultimately, but some people are convinced they could wield their suicide as a weapon against life or maybe more so, the eyes that have seen them living and would like to say: this is what you have been. of course, no one really cares that much. people could scarcely hear his speech, because he was cut off from the pa, before he gutted himself, so there he was, humiliated and seen still, at war with himself and putting his sex totally into his final moments, a beautiful man chosen to behead him does so, whatever.

but for some people like me i guess that's an intense thing to know about, it's going to sit in my chest forever and ever i guess.

next i'm going to read gary indiana's gone tomorrow. another gay man. i love rent boy quite a bit, i'm semi worried this one won't give me the same feelings, but that's lame, i shouldn't seek the same things from one artist, what i hope though is his prose is as great as it is in rent boy, loose and sharp all at once, i want to be drawn into the pulse immediately, as i was before. i hear this is a great book from a close friend, so i'm excited.

now, after listening to this 1985 record nerve eighty, and also from thinking earlier in the day, i want a fuckoff annoying trebly guitar, maybe different from the others in some way. sharper, hissier maybe, i'll call it "superhissyfit" if i like it.

before i go do that, i really hope i begin reading more. i think listening to richard hell today and singing along made me feel more literary or something. or maybe it was talking about the birthday party with someone. this record i'm working on started off with me reading rimbaud and baudelaire, at a job on break, and i've read plenty in the interim, but recently it's been missing from my life. i want there to be more. i want everything always though. #stupid.

thinking about "we assume sublime poses deep and true to life"

or whatever the line is.

here's the sound. i've never done this before, but i realized i can, which is fun. i don't know if i'll use any of these riffs here but i like at least 2 and think one unexpectedly works well with another, making something pretty compelling as like, a structure, accidentally. now i have something horrifically annoying that also just does that radio search feedback noise, it sounds just like the noise bits in that first jerome's dream record, a total accident but i like it, it's super irritating and i can put it in / just take it out if i want to. the sound overall has a really compelling tinniness that i think can help out on a couple songs where i'm like, not feeling that enough.

the thing with fake guitars is it gets easier to imitate higher strings, probably because there's less of a range of overtones or whatever, harmonic junk and stuff, that you're hearing. i also really like how this one pitch bends, i guess it was made for that super freakish sound some people make riffs out of, cuz like, why haven't i tried harder to do that, cuz i'm lazy i guess. now i try, and some songs i might go back and fuck around w/ this and throw it in, actually i like that idea for one especially, and the feedback could be filtered in at points in a cool way probably too.

i wonder if there's any other random music stuff to stick in here. right now i'm listening to this record:

it's really good, if you like this kind of thing. shocked honestly a couple times by how good the riffs are, and how this really doesn't fall into the regular "screamo" traps (screamo a delineating line i guess between faster/harder-core things, and stuff like this) but this is good because it veers pretty hardcore, it's never twinkly, it's sometimes really pretty and it uses those really great chords guys at this time became really fond of. idk what they are, they always feel spanish to me, it's fun stumbling into them and seeing their anatomy and not really knowing what to call them. this band also has everything free on their bandcamp, that's sick, the lyrics here are clearly super commie so it's not a surprise, it just also wouldn't be a surprise if they were asking like 5 bux (good enough + i get it (anyone would)).

anyways now i am way tired.

so,

byebye!!

#Bandcamp

[undreaming-fanfiction]

Personal post below relating to the ST fandom. Feel free to skip, more drabbles coming soon!

I don't usually share really personal things here, but this will be an exception. Many people in my life told me that fandoms aren't beneficial, that it's a waste of time, that it's just a hobby you should grow out of. And I call bullshit on that because it was a fandom that helped me realize some really important things.

Let me tell you why I got into Steddie so much and why I enjoy writing Steve, why he's my favorite character on the show. Because I have similar background. No, my parents weren't assholes to me, they are/were wonderful people. But they were absent, like Steve's.

I'm an only child from a fairly unhappy marriage, basically living under the same roof as strangers. I spent all of my childhood running between my parents, trying to mediate their disputes, waiting for the divorce that would never happen. Both of them were caring, intelligent and kind, but they should have never married each other.

When I was 12 or 13, my mom got a job in a different country and left for 4 years. She called, came home for the holidays, but that was it. My dad applied for a job in yet another country less than a year later, also for 4 or 5 years I believe. He told me that if I couldn't handle it, he would quit the job and come home, but I could never do that. He came home for weekends, we didn't really spend time together, but we at least went shopping for food and sometimes met each other during the evening. My parents originally wanted me to go to live with either of my grandmothers, but I didn't want to leave my city and they rejected each other's propositions anyway. So at 13 I was left home alone.

My grandmother often visited and tried to make things easier, but as wonderful as she was, she couldn't fill that hole. What was even worse was my dad's secretary sometimes spending nights in our guest room to keep an eye on me (I'd send her home more often than not) and her and her constantly annoyed adult son being in charge of making sure my grades stayed acceptable. Because surprise, if your parents choose their careers over you, it doesn't give you too much incentive to try. My grades plummeted. My classmates were envious, saying they'd be throwing parties left and right, but it's kind of hard to rebel against someone who isn't even there.

When I joined the Stranger Things fandom, I just enjoyed the show for what it was, nothing more. But then I started seeing character analyses, a lot mentioning how messed up Steve's upbringing was - even the kindest posts about his parents mentioned that it wasn't okay for Steve to be alone in that huge house on his own. And my first thought was - well it's not standard, but it's fine, right? It's how I grew up and I'm okay.

And then I read more, read about what Steve's parents missed, how he'd have to constantly compete for their attention until he'd eventually give up. I remembered how no one in my family even realized I had mononucleosis, my grandma wasn't familiar with the symptoms and my parents weren't around to notice. How my dad missed my entrance exams to a grammar school for a meeting he had, even though I told him the date months prior. And I slowly started connecting my experience to Steve's. For the first time in 32 years of my life, I realized that even though I love my parents, what I went through wasn't okay. It wasn't normal. And it's a fandom that helped me realize it and come to terms with it. What I avoided or suppressed despite therapy became an accepted fact that I can finally work with, all thanks to a TV show.

So, if people tell you fandoms aren't beneficial - they can fuck off with all the grace of a lame pigeon. Because even if it's just keeping your stress levels lower by enjoying fan works, if you feel better after pouring your thoughts on paper/into Word or if you go through something like I did - please hold onto your fandoms. They are so worth it.

*smooch*

#undreaming rambles #personal post #you know what? I'm keeping this up #because I'm sick of people pressuring others to give up their fandoms