#past ed mention

[quiet-admirer]

I got an ID photo taken today and it was an entire experience that I needed to write out. I think it wants to be a zine or part of a zine or a loose comic or something, but I don't have zine energy right now and I don't know when I will, so I'm just posting it like this:

Badge

Today I had my photo taken for a new ID badge at work.

I didn’t necessarily need a new photo: I’m transferring to a new position internally, and could have used the one my employer has on file, but the old one was from 2017 and it felt like it was time.

The 2017 photo is a very specific snapshot of time in my life. I had been maintaining a steady weight after eating disorder recovery for about a year, and I’d never been that big before. My eyes are half closed in the photo and my hair is at an awkward length of beginning to grow out the buzz cut I gave myself in 2015 to erase everything and start again during a turbulent mental health time. That work photo was taken shortly before I started Adderall and lost about 20 pounds, and years before I started HRT and gained about 60 pounds. I have a small kind-of double chin in the photo, but it’s the kind that goes and comes with posture or a smile.

I have a double chin now. Maybe if there’s a trick of the light in a photograph it might go unnoticed – a privilege, I know – but it’s always at least a little present now.

This morning, I make a mental note to remind myself to maybe try stretching my neck a little or raising my chin when I'm in front of the camera. I want to protect myself from the possibility that the long-buried disordered thoughts will use this photo as a chance to get their hooks in again if I’m surprised by how fat my face looks in the photo.

A line from a Touché Amoré song, “Reminders,” loops into my head.

“I tilt my chin up in photographs, a subtle way to reinvent the past.”

It isn’t until I’m getting dressed to leave the house that the words reach me.

I think about a comment on an Instagram video of a dozen or so high schoolers having fun sitting around a table together that was captioned as having been taken in 2003. It was some little outburst about how they all looked so slim and happy, unlike today’s teens who are fat and depressed and chronically online.

I think about the photos I have of my mom when I was a kid, where she’d stand in the back, pull us in front of her. I think about the photos I don’t have of my mom when I was a kid.

I think about all the gaps in fat existence – fat joy – in our collective historical records, and about the social media accounts who have to go out of their way to bring images of fatness to the surface.

I’m determined by the time I get in front of the camera.

I smile and I keep my head in its neutral, comfortable position.

There’s anticipation instead of apprehension when I go around to the other side of the computer to see my face.

It’s so severely washed out by the harsh white lights that I can’t quite make out my double chin. Or my acne, which I decided not to cover up with makeup today either.

(When I was in college, I had my photo taken for the yearbook. There was a check box on the form to opt into having photo correction of “blemishes.” I didn’t check it off, even though it was an anxious decision. My acne was what it was, or I was trying to teach myself that it was what it was. I cried when I got the photos back. They’d edited out my acne anyway.)

It occurs to me that the lighting’s probably on purpose.

But the photo still looks like me.

The lighting can’t hide my round face, the way my jaw and my neck blend together in a gentle slope instead of a cut edge.

Even if I had tried to disguise my double chin, I wouldn't have been able to hide my size. I decide that I like that about my face – the only part of my body I still get self-conscious about sometimes.

The song "Reminders" by Touché Amoré is an expression of frustration that the Systems That Be fail to provide us with the care and protection and support we need. A music video for the song was released in 2020, made from stitching together clips of family and friends of the band with their pets during the isolation of COVID-19 restrictions.

Maybe it was silly to think of my employer as an avenue for defiant fat self-expression and maybe my work-issued ID with my inerasably fat face on it is a drop in an important bucket. But I'm turning around and putting these words down and showing them to a community of other fat people. And I'm looking at my own face in the mirror with the knowledge that I'm slowly inventing a future for myself where there isn't any trick of the light or tilt of my chin that can omit my fatness.

#uhh I don't have any tags for this... #past ed mention

[yumenosakiacademy]

#'art of suic!de' my beloved. i also remember puttin on 'thank god im pretty' back when i starved myself 2 the point of danger in the past #emilie autumn #ed mention in tags #my edits

[whoviandoodler]

one of the things that makes mdzs SUCH a great story is the fact that it's a tragedy with queer protagonists, but their queerness isn't the cause or the center of the tragedy. it's not even related, really. it's a story about love and loss and wrong and right, about what we owe each other and what we owe ourselves, about how you can find joy even amidst chaos and grief; its complexity and tragedy is what makes it so profound and touching. sure, there's 'casual' queerphobia in the story, but with everything else going on, it's not really relevant- wwx's mostly like, 'oh, i like guys? i like lwj? i love lwj? fuck, what if he doesn't love me back? am i being presumptuous to think he returns my feelings? what do I do now?' followed by 'wait, he loves me back??? we're getting married IMMEDIATELY', and that whole attitude is very refreshing because sometimes you just want to read a queer story that isn't about queer suffering but that's still incredibly miserable, and i think we as a queer community deserve it

#mdzs #lwj #wwx #lan wangji #wei wuxian #mdzs thoughts #dan talks #wangxian #obviously the story has its issues but. FFUCK i just want something to break my heart w/o having to read thru queer trauma #ik danmei in theory isnt aimed at queer audiences but compared to like. some of 'made for cisshet women' queer man content ive read in #the past mdzss iss a breath of fresh air. imo most issues lie w the sex scenes and the INSANE lack of lube but. #ill forgive it this once #their dynamic and love story is otherwise great. just dont take it ass sex ed lol ud fucking die #the sex scenes are funny tho. im always cackling and going YOURE GOING TO KILL EACH OTHER GOD SLOW DOWN #also in gen we need to uh. do better w tws bcs theres a LOT of noncon rp in there and i didnt see it mentioned anywhere in the fandom after #hours of being around it. books do tws plssss someones going to run headfirst into there and not have a good time

[sunnibits]

I just asked my irl friends this too but I’m rlly curious to know so: can you guys give me any recommendations for new food to try for someone who is an extremely picky eater who’s trying to practice expanding their palette?? like maybe some really simple foods that would be a good place to start, or alternatively pls tell me what food you would recommend to someone who has never eaten food before lmao

#literally ‘food recommendations for a beginner??’ LMAO #if it helps uhhh I rlly like pasta and carbs (even tho I’m gluten free) and like warm cozy food in general #tempted to start listing all the things I don’t want to eat but like. that would take me all day and feel really embarassing LMAO #potential oversharing but uhh I’m starting to think I may actually have a legitimate ed and it’s rlly hard… #but it just occurred to me that because I’m so picky there’s so much good food I haven’t tried yet??? #like most people have tried way more food than me at this age #but I’ve barely tried anything #and if I could just magically get over my good issues it would be so cool to be able to just?? discover food for the first time???? #so idk that’s a really comforting thought #but for now. eating hard and scary. so I gotta start with simple things #tw ed mention #idk I’m not even 100% sure yet but also like… I know. lmao #pretty sure I’m past denial at this point #gem don’t look

[andrena]

all the stressful tasks are done. phew! may was such a month, never wanna live through that again thanks

#bee.txt #doing an interview a presentation starting a new old job and finishing ur data entry all within a couple weeks is difficult. #being a person is so scary🥸 #oh also forgot to mention literally fucking moving at the beginning of the month before all this happening and having to go to appts #and BAD appts too like jeez. #and starting back on a medication u had let go of bc ur ed was too bad for it in the past #anyways. i’m so glad things are gonna be so normal now

[fbwzoo]

Well. Bearded dragon ended up coming home with Jack last night due to work shift making it easy to just get him then.

Sometimes I hate being right. I'd been getting increasingly certain that this kiddo was gonna be in bad shape from the info and pictures we kept getting. Well. Let me introduce you to Ed.

Yeah. Poor bub has moderate to severe MBD. He can't even lift himself off the ground really, and he moves by shuffling along on his belly, pulling himself with his front legs. His legs feel like undercooked noodles.

They dumped crickets in the 20g with him, so we moved him over to the 40g last night. Weird makeshift set up bc we didn't even have a lid yet, getting one today. Used the heat and (unused??) Uvb light they had for right now, getting proper stuff ASAP. He's got cloth puppy pads for the floor right now, which seems to work well. Soft, but stay put so he can move.

Joel is getting greens this morning, Jack is getting the lid and some slate & bricks for a better basking spot. May have to do just the slate if he can't even get up a ramp right now, but hoping he can so it can double as a hide. He's dehydrated as well, so that's adding to his current struggle. We decided against trying to syringe him some water last night, to avoid stressing him more than he already was.

Jack's going to work on hydration today, and also calling the vet so we can get him in next week. We're expecting at least bloodwork, probably x-rays, and then we'll see what the vet thinks about the chances of improving his state. Honestly, euthanasia is on the table, but we're still hoping to avoid that. We'd really like to at least see how he responds to a proper set up & food, and if there's any improvement with some treatment time.

And I guess I'm eating my words, bc if we don't euthanize this bub, he's probably fucking staying now! He's going to be disabled to some degree for the rest of his life, and I suppose we could still likely find someone willing to take him, but it does add further complication.

My boys know me well though. Apparently they were already taking bets on how likely we were to keep him. 🤦 I chose my life partners well, I think.

#fbw rambles #my pets #bearded dragon #reptiblr #reptile rescue #is reptiblr even still a thing? #euthanasia mention #god I'm tired #both because i was awake well past midnight last night #and because i don't want to fucking fix other people's fuck ups #i didn't want a bearded dragon right now #i don't want to spent $600 on another new animal instead of the ones i already had #but we can't say no #look at him #he needs someone to try and fix their fuck up #i decided to go into work a couple hours late #but then i woke up and got upset again #so now I'm laying in bed typing this up instead #welcome to the new obsession i guess #ed beardie

[intermundia]

i spend a lot of time thinking about the stories i write, not just the plot, but the underlying character motivations and emotional journeys. i wonder a lot why my characters act the way they do, why i chose the characters i did to tell my stories, and what is going on inside the mind and body of the reader when they read them.

i think every author is thinking something through when they tell a story, the characters are bundles of ideas that come into conflict and resolution in ways that come to a conclusion that satisfies the emotional and intellectual goals of the story. my stories are fundamentally all very similar, telling the same core story over and over. why do i do that?

with enough reflection, it's possible to glean an answer, like i personally struggle a lot with regulating my emotions, and avoiding falling into addiction spirals. i've been dangerously out of control in the past, and then i've overcompensated by swinging the opposite direction into repression, so i want nothing more than the ability to have healthy, moderate self-control.

it makes sense that i seek and embody that dynamic in characters to try to work through it: for me, obi-wan represents self-control, but he's far from perfectly sane and happy. when taken to an extreme, that kind of inhibition is tied to unhealthy anxiety and lack of self-worth. so he is a paragon of sticking to conviction and restraint, but i imagine him a situation where he loosens a white-knuckled grip on his desire. he's my anorexia, realizing that food acceptable to eat.

half of my story is thus about letting go of the mask, being human with bodily needs and baring your authentic self. the other half is about anakin, who is like the archetype of immoderate lack of control, greed and selfishness. he is me at 19 and 22, i put all of that confusion and insecurity and madness into him, and then i imagine a scenario where he's soothed and pulled back into healthy moderation.

that's the story i tell over and over. the rational and moderate part of my brain gaining control over the wild stallion of immoderate desire, putting out the flames and soothing the pain, and the anxious inhibited part of my brain getting permission to relax. that's the catharsis and resolution that all my stories point to, and i think the reader feels that on a subconscious level. it's pretty effective as a balm for a rough day.

#fanfic stuff #personal #i guess lol #my stories are about grabbing those two parts of my brain by the scruff of the neck and making them get along lol #my future interfacing with my past #my goal is that hopefully experiencing arousal and resolution #readers will feel more relaxed and reassured after finishing the story #long post #ed mention #tw ed

[bluemoss06]

have we considered, once she's revived and in the middle of sorting everything out, Laudna introducing Percy, Vex and Pike to Pate de Rolo?

#critical role #laudna #percy de rolo #percival de rolo #pike trickfoot #vex'ahlia #pate de rolo #after the Hells get their relief and cries and hugs in #the 3 of them ask a bit about her past 20 years and what Delilah did then #Laudna says it was mostly cursing people+crying about her husband and started mostly tuning her out #mentions 'if it weren't for the smallest De Rolo i would have had a much harder time with that' #cue them asking what she means cue everyone's reactions as Marisha get's excited and #'Pate De Rolo pleasure to meet ya! I'm real grateful for ya helpin my lady friend here; else I'd have been blue-balls-ed for rest of time' #bonus: Laudna asking why they didn't introduce him and Imogen replying she want Laudna to have the honor #bonus: Imogen proclaiming how she never thought she'd miss Pate's voice #imogen temult #bells hells #cr3 #percival fredrickstein von musel de rolo iii #percival fredrickstein von musel klossowski de rolo iii

[shootout-at-university-fair]

Four Years' Worth of Ramblings (and Pondering Life at Twenty)

It’s been about four years since I was even remotely active on here, even longer since I’ve made original content on this website. Well, in those four years since I’ve last used this blog, it’s safe to say I’ve officially grown up. I think I made this account when I was about 13. At that time, turning 20 genuinely felt like it would never come. As time tends to do, of course, it progressed - so here we are.

Given that I live in a country that would rather focus on banning social media apps and protecting genocidal governments that line their own pockets instead of, you know, helping its own citizens like a government is supposed to do, and one that is certainly fucked no matter who we end up electing this year, it just felt right to return to the website that radicalized me in the first place (especially when really the only other option is… *shudders* twitter).

I must say, it simultaneously feels weird and comforting to come back. As I enter my senior year of college (has it really been that long?), I’ve begun to look back at what has shaped me into the woman I am today. I know this website certainly had a hand. As I previously stated, this website truly formed my moral compass, at an age that I desperately needed something to. To those who have followed me in the past, and might still be lurking here today, I genuinely thank you for making me the woman I am today.

Now… what exactly has happened in these last few years? Well, a lot. These last four years have simultaneously been the best and worst years of my life so far (and seriously, from how my 2024 has mostly been going, fuck 2024). Let’s start with the negative and end with some positive things, shall we?

I've certainly had my share of shit thrown at me over the last few years, from having to file not one, but two Title IX complaints at my college within three years and going through my fair share of manipulative and abusive relationships (both platonic and romantic), to having - and overcoming an eating disorder. Somehow, I've survived (albeit with some added mental health medications and diagnoses - I expected most of them, but definitely not the borderline diagnosis).

It hasn't been all bad, though. Actually, some of these last few years have been really great. I finally have some real friends IRL (they're a bunch of losers - one is @hunter-blossom-5 if you want to see what the vibe is like, but they're my losers and I wouldn't trade them for the world), and I've fallen in love. Well, I mean, I've fallen in love several times over these last few years, but for once, I've fallen in love and know it's the right type of love: the love where even if the world is ending, it doesn't feel like that because you know that they will be beside you the entire time, and even more after? Yeah, I'm talking about that love. I know he has an account on here, but he's never told me what his username is. I hope that if he's reading it, he knows who I'm talking about - I love you, babe; always have, and always will.

I'm not sure exactly why I stopped posting, but I just did. I actively tried to distance myself from my days on here IRL. If you told me even two months ago that not only would I be revisiting so many of my old interests from my teenage years in my twenties, and being so open about my love for them, I would have thought you were insane. Something in the last few months in my brain just itched and longed for who I once was, the version of me I was when I was on here the most. Throughout a lot of these four years, I was incredibly rude towards the younger me present on this account, trying to bury her deep down to fit in more. I think I've been too harsh on her in my past, and just wish that I could go back in time, take back all the negative shit I've said about her, and just give her the largest hug - she definitely needed that more than the criticism I leveled instead. Well, time travel doesn't exist, and Back to The Future has taught me to never have yourself at two different ages meet. I think coming back here, showing her that as you get older you can still be you, is the best I can do for her in our universe.

Most of you have known me simply as mutantjediavenger on this platform. Some of you have known me as Ella, but for all who comes across this blog today, you can just call me El. You've earned it.

#life update #revisiting the past #mutantjediavenger #mental health #tw: ed mention #borderline personality disorder

[seafavoured]

❛  i'm sorry, are you talking to me?  ❜ (blackrose, music au, petty ned, petty lmao - even more so if it’s during an ed apology lol). @pyratezlife / ned.

𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐀𝐃 𝐒𝐔𝐑𝐄 𝐀𝐒 𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐓 𝐁𝐄𝐄𝐍 𝐓𝐑𝐘𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐎, 𝐖𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐒𝐓 𝐍𝐄𝐃 𝐅𝐑𝐔𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐄𝐅𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐒 𝐓𝐎 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐔𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐓. trying to apologize, for that matter, which was more than most people had or ever would receive from edward. prideful and arrogant, they were not the sort to bow to another in argument whether they were right or wrong made precious little difference in that regard.

but then ned spoke over him, and there went that down the drain.

a high pitched, indignant little scoff escaped their throat. brows raised, hands perched at their hips like a petulant child ready to throw a tantrum. if izzy were here, he'd surely be giving ed a warning look right about now and prepping to play mediator. but he wasn't, and neither were the rest of their eclectic bunch. they were back down the hall doing the scheduled photoshoot, like he and ned ought to be. instead, they had jogged off after the violinist when he'd stormed away. followed him straight into the private bathroom like a stray fucking dog.

❛ jesus, low, do you ever shut up?! i'm trying to be contrite, or some shit. ❜ words spat from a snarling mouth, straight back to insults already. a hand fled from its perch to his hair instead, carding through long, dark waves that had been purposefully and meticulously mussed by the hair and makeup team. ❛ i'm trying to apologize, i suppose. for being such a prick this week. i just ❜

his voice broke, explanation cut off at the knees before it had chance to leap from their tongue. and yet, they'd have to say it eventually, wouldn't they? this was a collaboration, and he was meant to be playing nice. ben would have their fucking head if the photoshoot was a bust because of him. nose crinkled and lips curled in distaste. he turned from ned and allowed his hands to drop with a huff. ❛ last week, when you, er ... when i ... ❜ god, he sounded like a damn virgin. a hand waved, frustrated, vaguely toward the floor in the hopes it would be understood.

when they'd gone to their knees and sucked him off in the back hallway like a fucking groupie.

❛ it felt good. great. like, all i can think about, jerk off in the shower over it sort of great. ❜ shut up, ed. shut the fuck up, or get to the point. ❛ but it was also embarrassing, and stupid, and it definitely shouldn't've happened. christ, i called you daddy, ❜ a groan at the memory as hands scrubbed over their face. ❛ how am i supposed to come back from that? i'm supposed to have an image, you know? ❜ hell, he was plastered all over people magazine as some sort of leather clad sex god. they were supposed to be tough. ❛ anyway, i suppose i was just trying to even the odds by being an insufferable ass all week, and it wasn't fair. so. i'm ... sorry. ❜

#pyratezlife #suggestive / #< for the mention of past stuff oop #i dunno where this came from lmao random music au thing in the midst of all the gladiators stuff #thread. ed. #verse. music.

[sunnibits]

y’all not to brag but I’ve literally been sooooo good at trying new foods on this trip I’m gonna get such a good grade in eating disorder

#I’m v proud of myself ngl #I’ve tried like. a million things. #most of them were similar and not that scary but still!!! #I think my anxiety ab new foods has genuinely improved so much just over the past week #tw ed mention #gem don’t look

[couriernewvegas]

idk i have always liked to think that stupid shit throughout my childhood did not affect me but maybe spending the first 14-15 years of ur life being constantly reminded that u are an ugly freak then having an ed for the next 6 years will actually have some sort of lasting impact . who knew

#ed mention #idk past tense just in case . complaining over now i swear

[76th-biannual-cock-festival]

And while we're at it it should not need to be fucking said, but apparently does, that intentionally going out of your way to trigger and harass mentally ill teenagers posting self-harm imagery on their blogs as some method of retaliation is not normal behavior. This is not a sentence I should have to type. You, as a grown adult, no matter how aggravated you get seeing people make graphic vent posts or disturbing imageboards that, granted, the poster in general should not be enabling for themselves as a form of self-harm, should not take that as an invitation to dogpile, torment, and intentionally set out to trigger/harm an obviously mentally ill child.

And this doesn't stop at kids' accounts. Yes, they're fucked. Yes, they shouldn't exist. This is about every goddamn cutting account, pro-ED account, self-harm account in general out there that should not under any circumstances exist on any website. It is fucking nauseating that these are allowed to exist in the first place. They are exceedingly triggering to scroll past or have interact with you in any capacity and of course I speak from a place of massive experience on this one. Yes, there are also people neck-deep in the sinkhole of eating disorders in particular that will initiate some very fucked up interactions that are highly unnecessary and very triggering, usually in the form of ridiculous comments on other people's posts or images.

They can go fuck themselves 100%. Report them. Block them. Tell them to eat shit. Do whatever you have to to get them the fuck away from you. But if you intentionally go out of your way to trigger them, to enable their extremely obvious forms of self-harm further with the explicit intent of hurting them as a form of retaliation, you're a piece of shit. You can never bitch about ableism again. You can never post your "end the stigma" moodboards again. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental disorder and rather than blocking, reporting, and refusing to engage, you are choosing to make a conscious mockery of very ill and misguided people (teens and adults alike) on what is typically very large platforms. EDs are not fun and they will fucking tear you inside out. They are not glamorous and they are not to be idolized, but they are also not a fucking joke or a goddamn punchline. These are real people. Act like an adult.

#I fucking loathe those blogs with a goddamn passion and have every keyword blacklisted #and have had them blacklisted since I started recovering what was well over a full decade ago by now #to this day I have trouble scrolling past them even in passing #but they do not piss me off nearly as much as the fucking bella hadid or big and greedy jokes that are always on my fucking dash untagged #tw eating disorders #tw ed mention #tw anorexia #I could sincerely rant about this all day I am so fucking tired of this website. #I don't give a fuck if mocking people helps you cope. #imagine saying that about LITERALLY any other mental disorder. #discourse #mental illness #ableism

[lilgynt]

the connection an ed girl boy has with hannibal lecter is insane.

#personal #ed mention #he would get what i’m thinking #like duh he’s good at his job but also i know if i described some things he’d just get it #not even hunger in the physical sense hed just get how everything becomes hunger even if you’re not hungry #it’s weird but he would get it #he would also kill me for having an ed he wouldn’t but also willingly straving urself for what #anyway i firmly believe he was great at treating EDs genuinely. i mean wild week after everything comes out for like #patients currently in care and past but like other than that i think he’d be solid at it

[comfortstars]

but actually. arfid is horrible and most people don't even know it's a thing so they never take you seriously when you say you're really struggling with eating because since there's certain foods you can eat without issue they think you're just being picky and not that you literally cannot eat things you don't like. I really wish it was more known and people just took the time to think before making fun of a person's eating habits because they can have no idea what that person is going through

#sorry for kind of ranting its just. that post made me angry because i struggle with arfid daily and not being taking seriously/being made #fun of regarding that has been horrible for my self esteem and made my eating habits even worse over the past years #this is okay to reblog btw. #tw ed discussion #tw ed #tw ed mention #arfid #lennie.personal #lennie makes posts

[a-reader-and-a-writer-for-all]

History Repeats Itself

Fandom: For All Mankind, Ed Baldwin, f!Reader

Word Count: 1800

TW: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, pain, bruises, injuries, car accident, hospital, mentions of past loss

Notes: Thank you to @loverhymeswith for the request “You're the one in pain and yet you're still trying to comfort me” for Ed and for beta reading!

Set between Season 1 and Season 2. SPOILERS FOR SEASON 1

When Ed received the call, he felt as if his world had ended for the second time in his life. He slowly lowered the phone as he tried to force air into his burning lungs. This can’t be happening. Not again. It just can’t be. I can’t lose her too.

Gordo silently slid the phone from his best friend’s hands and listened as a doctor provided him with all the details of what happened. You had been driving home from work the night before when another car came roaring out of the darkness and collided with you head-on. You were hurt – badly – but the doctors were confident you would make a full recovery. 

It was only after that last bit of information that Ed took a huge, gasping breath. You were going to be okay. This wasn’t like last time because you were going to make it.  

NASA wasn’t happy about letting him leave Cape Canaveral and his mission prep to fly back to Houston but given the circumstances they didn’t really have a choice. Ed made it very clear he was leaving, one way or another. And after how they behaved last time something like this happened, they were reluctant to fight him on it. So, within the hour of receiving the call, Admiral Ed Baldwin was on a plane home.

The entire flight, Ed couldn’t stop thinking about you or about the last time he had been forced to endure a similar situation. Another car, another accident, another person he loved more than life itself laying in a hospital while he was miles and miles away. But this time would be different because everyone told him you were going to be okay. Of course….. they had lied to him last time.

Almost seven hours later, Ed finally made it to the hospital. As he entered your room, his mind once again flickered back to the last accident. Ed wondered if this was what he had looked like laying in his hospital bed hooked up to monitors and machines. Yet while he never opened his eyes again after his accident, yours flickered open as Ed approached the bed, a tired smile weakly pulling at your lips. Softly you mumbled, “You’re here.”

Ed tried his best to give you a comforting smile in return as he whispered, “Yeah, sweetheart. I’m here.”

As carefully as he could, he took the hand not coated in plaster as he settled into the seat beside your bed. Though he had been briefed on your injuries before he arrived, Ed was horrified to see the extent of the damage with his own eyes. Apparently, your face had smashed into the steering wheel when you were hit. While your nose was now set and wrapped in gauze, there was no way to cover the deep reds and purples surrounding your beautiful eyes like a mask. Ed could see more bruises stretching from your left shoulder and disappearing underneath your hospital gown caused by the seat belt. As you tried to sit up further, you flinched and grabbed your side. Probably due to your cracked ribs.

However, when you spoke again your voice was a little stronger though nasally and hoarse. “I’m so sorry, Eddie. I didn’t mean for this to happen or for you to have to come home.”

“No, sweetheart, this isn’t on you. That asshole was drunk and came outta nowhere. There was nothing you could have done.”

Your lip began to quiver slightly. “But I totaled your car. I know how much you love that thing.”

Ed’s Corvette was his pride and joy and it had taken you months to finally convince him to let you drive it when he was out of town. And while he would miss it, it didn’t matter at the moment. “Not as much as I love you. And if I had to lose one of you, it would be the car every damn time.” He gently kissed your knuckles before chuckling deep in his chest. “Besides, NASA’s owed me a newer model for years. This’ll finally make ‘em hand it over.”

You started to laugh, but it quickly shifted into a gasp of pain as you clutched at your side once more. Ed’s brow furrowed as he watched, helpless to do anything to ease your suffering. But when you saw his expression, you smiled weakly as you stroked his hand.

“I’m okay, Ed. Just give me a few weeks and this will all just be a bad dream. Everything’s going to be okay, I promise.”

Ed scoffed softly as he ran his hand through his hair. “You're the one in pain and yet you're still trying to comfort me.”

“Not all pain is physical, Ed.” Your eyes searched his face for a moment before you said, “I’m so sorry. I know what kinds of memories this must have brought up. Getting that call, hearing what happened while you were away, walking into this hospital specifically. I never wanted to make you relive what happened with…..” You trailed off but he knew exactly what you were going to say.

Ed had only spoken to you about those events one time after a night of heavy drinking. It was the only way he could make it through the conversation without completely shutting down. But armed with the steely resolve from his bourbon, and your encouraging, gentle gaze, he told you about Shane. Every last heartbreaking detail.

Starting with the last conversation he had had with his son where he had spent the entire time yelling about how much of a disappointment he was, Ed then talked about the video call from his then wife where she lied to his face about everything being alright only to call back the next day with the truth. He was still haunted by the image of Karen’s weeping form as soon as he answered the call. He then told you about his depression and meltdown afterwards, stranded all alone on the moon, and how he had made a makeshift grave for Shane that would remain there long after the rest of you were gone.

The next part took more coaxing to get out of him, but he eventually admitted to disabling a cosmonaut’s lunar craft and holding the man captive for days. This was the only part Ed glossed over, not wanting you to know the depths he had sunk or the things he had allowed himself to subject the other man to, but you hadn’t pushed him. You had just drawn him into your chest as he sobbed, finally releasing all the ghosts of his past.

And you were right. He was still in pain over what happened, as he suspected he always would be. He had tried to work through his issues with Karen afterwards, but there was just too much blame there on both sides. He had left soon after returning home from the moon and he had started to spiral, quickly. Between his drinking and reckless behavior, he honestly expected he would soon lose everything else he cared about.

But then he met you and everything changed. Somehow, you had seen past the alcohol-soaked shell of a man before you to the true man underneath. And through your persistence, that man soon reemerged. Ed owed you his life and every time he thought about how close you had just come to losing yours…..

Squeezing your hand tightly, Ed clenched his jaw before murmuring, “It was different with…… with Shane. I have so many regrets about everything that happened. But with you… there would have only been one regret.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. Turning it over in his hand, he said, “I’ve had this for weeks, but I was trying to find the right time to give it to you. However, this just reminded me that we don’t always have that time to wait. That if something matters as much as you do to me, I need to tell you while I have the chance.” He flipped open the lid of the box and held it out to you, the diamond ring clearly on display.

Tears filled your eyes as you glanced back and forth between the ring and his face. “Oh, Eddie….”

“Sweetheart, you saved me from myself when I was at my lowest point. And you love me despite everything that I’ve done. I still have no idea what you see in me but, if you’ll have me, I’d love nothing more in this, or any other world, for you to become my wife. What do you say?”

“Is that really even a question? Of course I’ll marry you!”

Smiling like a fool, Ed bent over and placed a gentle yet loving kiss on your lips, carefully avoiding your injured nose. Then he removed the ring from the box and slipped it onto your finger. It was the wrong hand but seeing as the other was still encased in plaster, it would do for now.

Just as he sat back in the chair, your nurse came in. She was startled to see Ed sitting next to you. “Oh! Excuse me sir, but visiting hours are over for the day. You’ll have to leave.”

“It’s okay. This is my fiancée.” You shot Ed a brilliant smile at the word, and he returned it tenfold.

But the nurse shook her head. “I’m sorry but you’re still in intensive care so there are no exceptions. However, he can come back at 8 am tomorrow.”

You sighed as you turned to Ed. “I’m sorry. I was hoping we’d have more time to celebrate.”

 “It’s okay. Once you get out of here, we’ll have all the time in the world. But for now, I’ll be back first thing tomorrow.” Ed rose to his feet and placed a lingering kiss to the top of your head. “Now, get some sleep, soon-to-be-Mrs. Baldwin.”

“Good night, Admiral Baldwin.”

The nurse began to usher Ed out but just as he got to the doorway, he glanced back at you one last time. Your eyes were fixed on the ring which you twirled softly as you bit your lip to keep the smile from overwhelming your face. Suddenly, Ed had a flash of you walking down the aisle towards him in a flowing white gown and that same smile on your face. Despite all the majesties of the cosmos he had seen over the years, that image of you was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. And he was one step closer to that day. Because you were here, you were going to be okay, and you were finally going to be his. With one last smile, Ed stepped out into the hall and closed the door behind him.

Taglist: @dumb-fawkin-bitch, @nik2blog, @shirley2996

#sfw repost #fic #ed baldwin #ed baldwin x reader #ed baldwin x f!reader #joel kinnaman #f!reader #for all mankind #angst #hurt & comfort #hurt and comfort #hurt/comfort #car accident tw #hospital tw #bruises tw #injuries tw #mentions of past loss #pain tw