#nothing is too gay for me at all but that fucking scene is so unreal to me like its just so fucking cunty and fucking like shit like this

[p4nishers]

"I'm a little bemused as to why crowley would risk destruction for you, you don't seem his type at all" that was. actually a thing they said. like that's a thing that was written in the script and said by an actor on good omens. then michael sheen had the absolute AUDACITY to raise his eyebrows like a fucking bitch who knows exactly what's crowley's type and that it's only ever been him. like!!! this is too gay even for me holy shit

#nothing is too gay for me at all but that fucking scene is so unreal to me like its just so fucking cunty and fucking like shit like this #happens in basically EVERY cishet movie/series but never in queer ones and i am going INSANE good this show #i cant shut up abt how much i love it and i wont #good omens #good omens s2 #azicrow #crowley #aziracrow #aziraphale #go s2 #ineffable spouses

[scoutswritingcorner]

What about an au where Striker works for I.M.P? 🥺

Striker Working for I.M.P

Striker x GN! Reader

A/N: I know you just wanted to do an AU where you wanted just Striker but I am a gay simp for this fucking maniac of a cowboy. 

TW:None?

-☠️Either you just joined or are just training with him whilst the others are out? He’s a hard teacher no doubt. He’ll critique every little thing but he means it in a nice way. He doesn’t need you getting hurt or killed on his watch.

-☠️ Will teach you hand to hand combat and how to disarm someone quickly just in case.

-☠️ A huge lonewolf still but much more easier to get along with cause he has a huge soft spot for you and only you, (he has one for the whole gang but don’t point it out)

-☠️ Still wears his cowboy get up but he strikes me as a fellow who also likes to wear sweaters and a demon jacket everywhere he goes. Also blue jeans and his iconic boots with his hat. You’ll never see him hatless unless he’s letting you and only you wear it.

Platonic Route

-☠️ Big Brother energy. He’ll annoy the shit out of you and then act like it wasn’t his fault.

-☠️ Will steal your snacks and then act like he didn’t. Don’t worry he gets you some more.

-☠️ Will fight you over some stupid shit. Like a kill or if you ate some of his food.

-☠️ Very sweet though, someone hitting on you or unwanted attention? He’s behind you and glaring at the person.

-☠️ Partner acting a fool? He’s immediately taking your side. They cheated? Their car is totaled and they have broken legs. 

-☠️ HE LOVES TALKING SHIT ABOUT EVERYONE. Just go up to him and start talking, he’s immediately focused on you and what’s going on.

-☠️ Gets Loona in on it too cause he also acts like an older brother figure to her and now it’s turned into you three around her desk spilling some fucking hot ass tea. Maybe about your ex or someone else you all collectively hate.

-☠️ Once again, he hates Stolas but he also acts like a big brother to Octavia and will take you, Loona and Octavia out on the town to just relax or have fun. Don’t worry he’s got his gun and knife if anyone tries shit. He ain’t afraid to get his hands dirty to protect his people.

-☠️ He hates photos of himself. He doesn’t like to be perceived but he will let you three take photos of him but he’s a big ole grump about it.

Romantic Route

-☠️Oh boy, he’s even more protective than before. If you both are on the job and he thinks it’s going to be a tougher kill? He’s taking it and sends you off to go check on the others. 

-☠️ That one scene in the D.H.O.R.K.S episode where Blitz and Moxxie were taken? Yeah you were with them and when Striker got you back with the others? He’s feral. He will kill anything that touches a single hair on your head.

You hang your head in shame as you listen to Blitz and Moxxie yell back and forth with one another. How did you allow yourself to get caught? The doors busted open as Millie, Loona and Striker ran over, a crazed look in his eyes. “Oh shit- You okay darling?”  He asked untying you from the chair and pulling you close, checking all over you for any injuries. “I’ll kill these bastards if they hurt ya” He snarled out.

-☠️Such a sweetheart. He’s more prone to lazing around the office with you if there’s nothing to do and will occasionally take naps. 

-☠️ Out on the town with him? He’s spoiling the fuck out of your ass. Like it’s unreal.

-☠️ Loves going to fairs with you, it’s prime time for him to get you everything and to show off his shooting skills.

-☠️In this AU Bombproof is a motorcycle cause I said so and he takes care of it like its his baby. He also gets you your own helmet and lets you ride with him through the city. Date nights are much more fun when you're speeding through each ring and seeing different sites.

-☠️Loves getting/giving good luck kisses. If you don’t give him one before a mission he thinks he’s gonna fail and it bothers him. Doesn’t matter if it’s a kiss on the lips, cheek or forehead. He wants his good luck kiss.

#helluva boss x reader #helluva boss #helluva boss imagine #striker helluva #striker x reader #helluva striker #striker helluva boss

[romchomp]

nana rewatch notes-episode 14

- “i had thought tokyo was a warmer place” in contrast to the previous “it never snows in tokyo” comment. i cannot keep doing this

-so the snowstorms were normal where nana lived

-“compared to my hometown tokyo is like a tropical forest” is nana enjoying herself? it’s hard to know how nana feels during this period of the story lol

-nana says she “hates cunning women like that” suggesting that she prefers more straightforward ways of communicating- but this isn’t entirely true. not to mention that this is clearly hachi overthinking and worried about upsetting shoji. nana has already recognized hachi as a sincere+earnest person before. nana views hachi’s attempts to please shoji as dishonest, which isn’t?? all that fair??? i guess you can see it as hachi trying to manipulate the situation but i just…idkkk

- i think nana’s comment comes from hachi’s usual willingness to put herself in vulnerable situations and seeing hachi hesitate purely to please shoji- rather than being forthright in her affection, bothers nana.

-nana giving hachi her jacket and hachi giving nana her scarf. a literal exchange of warmth. (i also think you could add that hachi wishes she could offer more/ feels that she didn’t help nana as much as she did her)

-“she seemed to fit better with the snowy mountains” oh boy. the snow metaphors never end

-hachi says she IS a cunning woman. this line immediately follows “i was no longer the pure woman who would continue dating shoji expecting nothing in return. but i pretend to be. because i didn’t want nana to hate me”

-nana’s idea of a cunning woman was someone who wasn’t honest/forward about what they wanted; and wanting something is exactly what makes hachi feel impure- or better yet, realizing when you don’t want something.

-we’re finally seeing hachi acknowledge her own wants+needs in a relationship. and this is (kind of?) the second time we see her admit that she isn’t happy with the ways things are going with shoji and she obviously has some guilt attached to those thoughts.

“i didn’t want nana to hate me” so nana’s words got to her a bit lol. but i think hachi would’ve thought this no matter what bc of her internalized guilt- she thinks she should be happy with shoji as is.

- can i also say how susceptible this line is to a queer reading? hachi slowly admitting to herself that she isn’t happy with her boyfriend, feeling impure and guilty bc of it, and afraid that it will cause her girl best friend to hate her??? sounds really fucking gay to me.

-this is def one of my favorite episodes lol

- i am OBSESSED with how the characters are positioned in this scene. both hachi and sachiko looking away from shoji (and each other), while nana is right in front of him and the only one verbally confronting the situation. the pain shoji has caused both hachi and sachiko is laid right out in front of him, as he avoids looking at anyone.

- “i don’t want him. i don’t want to look at his face.” and she physically can’t. her perception of shoji has been shattered. he was someone she expected to never hurt her.

-the way everyone is now highly saturated compared to the background indicates how unreal this feels to hachi.

-this is also...a moment of growth for hachi. i think in the way she rejected shoji.

-“i wasn’t mature enough to forgive his betrayal” im sorry you feel that way. hachi you have so many ideas abt relationships that concern me pls see a therapist

-“i had too much pride to cling onto someone who had just hurt me.” hachi i think you could use a little MORE pride. also, wanting to be treated decently isnt just pride? it’s sad that hachi doesn’t feel that she deserves to end things with shoji or be upset about getting hurt.

-god hachi’s character offers so much good commentary on modern womanhood though.

-i still to this day have conflicting feelings abt the scene between hachi and junko. i wouldn’t call hachi crying over her ex-bf she just caught cheating “playing the victim”. while junko is applying this to how hachi behaves generally (and in a general sense it holds some truth), this is...literally not the time.

-it’s also unfair to suggest hachi was the only selfish person in the relationship. shoji was hardly willing to meet her halfway. hachi was careless and not very observant but shoji straight up didn’t enjoy her company. shoji was selfish too.

-i get that a big part of hachi’s characterization is that she always faces direct consequences and no one makes excuses for her, but this is literally not her fault lmao

-so far my favorite nana eps are 1,9, and 14

previous episode

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#did not realize it’s been over a week since last episode’s notes #sorry about that #holiday stuff yknow #nana #ai yazawa #episode 14 #finally….shoji is DONE #i have so many feelings about junko guys #i would say that im pushing my lesbian hachi agenda but i think shes doing it herself

[lubdubsworld]

Desire.

CEO ! Jung Hoseok x  Married ! OC 

Summary : Tall Handsome CEO Hobi meets dainty delicate country girl, Elena and falls head over heels. Too bad she’s already taken. 

Genre : Infidelity, Morally ambiguous characters. 

Chapter 1

On Fridays, Jung Hoseok liked to unwind. 

After a whole entire week of heading Gwihan Inc., going over proposals, signing off on acquisitions and baby sitting his two younger siblings who were just entering the company business, Jung Hoseok liked to relax on Friday evenings, usually with a glass of wine, maybe some good food from the Chinese restaurant down the street and occasionally with some company of the feminine variety. 

As the CEO of one of the largest conglomerates in the country, Hoseok was pretty much a household name in Seoul. Not just because of his dashing good looks and his staggering business acumen, but also because of the incredibly humble, down to earth persona that he wore . 

Never in the history of Korea, had there been a more approachable and friendly multi billionaire Chaebol prince : the very personification of generosity and kindness. 

At the young age of 34, Jung Hoseok charmed reporters and celebrities and his fellow businessmen with alacrity . 

Affectionately nicknamed the Sunshine CEO, Hoseok’s dimpled smile was a staple and he was well known for being fair and even tempered, the first to extend his hand in friendship to anyone. 

Which was a wonderful reputation to carry of course but it also made people forget that for all his sunny disposition, Jung Hoseok was still very much human. 

And he did not build his company ( once on the verge of bankruptcy because of his unscrupulous father ) from scratch, by being a pushover. Which meant that Hoseok had to balance being a good guy and a firm guy and sometimes it was such a fucking pain in his ass. 

“Hyung, come on....it’s just for a few hours. It’s fun.... “ Kim Taehyung could whine like no other. Korea’s top model, Taehyung or V as he liked to be called had a deep voice which could also do a full 180, making Hoseok’s ears ring, when the younger wasn’t getting his way. 

Like right now.

“Tae, i’m so fucking tired, i need a drink and a shower and I’m crashing into my bed. I am  not  bar hopping with you morons. I’m too old for that shit. “ Hoseok groaned, watching Taehyung and his photographer husband slur and sway after one drink too many. It was already a little past eleven in the night and he had every intention of sleeping for the next thirteen hours at the least. 

“Awww hyung...its not a bar...it’s a strip club ... Come on , hyung live a little. “ Jeon Jungkook was adorable,  like a bunny,  but also a brat that never took no for an answer. Together , the couple were pretty much indestructible. 

Too tired to argue with the two of them, he groaned .

It was going to be a long, long night. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The club was called Desire, nothing like the posh high end places Hoseok was used to. It wasn’t a dump or anything but the decor, the furnishings and the clientele all screamed middle class, which wasn’t Hoseok’s usual scene. 

At all. 

But apparently, Jungkook had stumbled on someone here during one of his photography stints. 

A dancer called the ‘ White Dove’. 

The White Dove was apparently, one of the most sought after dancers in the club, because she only performed twice a month. She didn’t do it for the money, no one knew why she did it. But according to Jungkook, she was the most sensuously arousing woman he had ever seen in his entire life. 

 she moves like water, Hyung, fluid and transient. ...like the laws of physics don’t apply to her body, it’s like magic. 

Which was high praise, coming from a gay man. 

A gay man who had actually majored in dance in college. 

And even Taehyung hadn’t even looked all that bothered, watching his husband sing praises about someone else’s body .

“Would love to have both of them in my bed at the same time hyung, how do i make that happen?” He’d asked, glassy eyed. 

Hoseok had gagged, elbowed him in the ribs and moved away. 

But his dongsaengs could be pretty darn insistent and so here he was, on a friday night, half asleep from exhaustion, stumbling behind Jungkook and Taehyung as they led him to a private room, at the back of the club. 

The room was wide, shaped like a semi circle, with an elevated stage up front. Just a couple of feet away from the stage, three sofas lines the curved edges of the wall. 

Taehyung and Jungkook lay wrapped around each other in the first one, closest to the door and Hoseok did not want to see them touching each other so he skipped the middle sofa, choosing to recline on the sofa in the farthest corner.

 A very dim light hung right over his head , offering very little by way of illumination but he supposed that was the point. The dancer would be distracted by a well lit audience. 

And while he had been quite opposed to the idea when the evening began, Hoseok couldn’t help but admit , that seated on the cheap maroon sofa, with tacky vinyl upholstery, in a dimly lit room, he couldn’t help but be intrigued.

Who  was  this woman?

“Hyung, you’ll love her!! She’s totally your type!” Jungkook called out excitedly . 

Hoseok threw an amused look at the pair, shaking his head before turning around to stare at the stage again. The lights in the low lying ceiling dimmed, the one on the stage turning on gradually and to his surprise, he felt his breath catch when the stage curtain moved, gentle ripples on the satin surface. 

Music began pouring in, smooth and sensual and intrigued and then a voice followed , feminine and soft.

“Good evening. I’m Elena .... or as they call me, the White Dove. Thank you for letting me entertain you tonight.” 

She sounded absolutely delectable and Hoseok felt his eyes widen, lips parting in shock at the voice.

Soft and sweet, dainty and almost elegant. 

Low and submissive, like she wanted nothing more than to make him happy. 

Like honey in his ears. 

It sounded so out of place , in this cheap dingy strip club. 

She sounded like a fucking princess. 

And then the curtains parted, revealing a petite, svelte figure.

 Hoseok sat up straighter, eyes wide as he stared at her. 

She wore a mask, covering the upper part of her face and leaving only her lush, plump lips on display. They were an alluring red, bright and radiant in the golden light. She was dressed in a small robe, full sleeved and falling to her knees , showing off her slim, curvy legs and her skin was honey tinted, smooth to his gaze. 

Hoseok swallowed and as he watched, she threw a smile, soft and gentle and absolutely serene. 

It was the smile that did it for him.

Innocent and altogether lovely, like the kind of smile you would give someone you had loved for a hundred thousand years and he felt himself aching for it, wanting more of that gentle voice, more of that dazzling smile. 

As he watched she stepped fully into the center, the light bathing her in gold as she lightly gripped the pole and stepped forwards fully, lips parted in a smile as she bowed. 

Hoseok had sat through enough strip shows to know that this was different. Elena took small, hesitant steps into the light, tugging on the belt around her waist, the short velvet robe sliding off her shoulder gently. 

Hoseok’s throat went dry when he saw what she was dressed in : A ruby red lingerie set, with satin bows along her neckline, applique orchids all across her torso , the hem of her dress stopping just an inch below her waist, revealing satin bikinis that hugged her ass so tight his finger itched . 

He wanted to touch so bad. 

She grabbed the fabric of the robe  and instead of tossing it away, she folded it, moving to place it on a chair in the corner of the stage, gently before tossing another smile, this time apologetic. 

“I’m sorry, i need to wear this again and I don’t want it to get dirty...” She giggled then , her voice like the tinkling of a bell and Hoseok was so gone , he couldn’t think straight anymore. 

He gripped the edge of the sofa, the last vestiges of sleep leaving his head. 

And then the music began, low and soothing and seductive and she began to move. 

Elena was a phenomenal dancer, that much was obvious in just the first minute. She moved easily, and perfectly, her long legs wrapping around the pole with ease, her hands gripping it with ease but it was her gaze that drew him in....

She clearly thought Tae and Jungkook were the only ones in the audience so she kept her gaze on them, hadn’t seen him at all and she looked at them with eyes that begged for approval. She smiled often, threw her hair back and jerked her shoulders in question, asking unsubtly if they liked it, and Jungkook and Taehyung responded with enthusiasm, cheerful shouts of “ so gorgeous, beautiful sweetheart....” filling the room.

Hoseok leaned back against the couch, his breath leaving him in a harsh exhale. 

This wasn’t the kind of woman he had been expecting.

 He had been prepared, for brash and bold and seductive and sensuous. A woman who knew how to use her body to get what she wanted.... The only kind of woman he had ever met in his entire life. 

But Elena.... 

She looked so desperate to please, so desperate to be good and it was evident in her eyes, the thirst for praise , for approval. She wanted to be good and she wanted someone to tell her that.... to tell her hat she was beautiful, that she was perfect , that she was absolutely scintillating and Hoseok wanted nothing more than to be that someone. 

To be the person who rained kissed all over her body, gentle touches all over her as he breathed praise into her ears, told her how perfect she was, how enchanting and how unreal she was. 

How she was the kind of woman he would never ever tire of......

The kind of woman who deserved to be worshipped on the satin sheets of his king sized bed. .

And he would. This wasn’t going to end like this, he thought , his heart pounding. It couldn’t. 

He felt his heart pound as the performance ended, as she stepped back into the limelight and bowed, all sweet smiles and gentle gratitude. 

Taehyung and Jungkook jumped to their feet applauding cheerfully and she laughed. 

“Thank you for coming today. I hope you enjoyed my little dance. I would love to see you again. “ She smiled, cheerful and bright. 

She finally turned to his side of the room, eyes widening when he finally pushed away from the shadows, moving into the pool of light in the middle of the room.

“You were absolutely gorgeous sweetheart.” He said gently.

Her eyes went wide, lips parting in surprise and e watched her eyes travel up and down his torso, catching on the lean width of his waist, tongue peeking out to lick her lips as her eyes stayed glued to the front of his crotch, where his rock hard dick was probably very poorly concealed. 

“You’re the one to blame for that, princess.” He said with smirk and her eyes jumped to his, a blush blooming on her cheeks so fast that it made his head swim. 

Fuck. 

Fuck she was gorgeous. 

He glanced at his friends, both of who were looking between him and the dancer with knowing looks. 

“Dinners on me tomorrow if you two leave right now.” Hoseok said softly. 

Laughing, the pair waved good bye, closing the door behind them. 

Elena stood on the stage, still staring at him like he was a full course meal and he moved back to the middle sofa, lowering himself down before spreading his legs and patting his thighs. 

“How much for a private....conversation?” He asked quietly.

She hesitated.

“I.. i need to ask the manager.” She said hesitantly. 

Hoseok felt a grin creeping up his face.

He pulled his phone out and dialed quickly. Less than a minute later, the manager stumbled in, bowing almost ninety degrees. 

“Mr. Jung.. you called?” The man was breathless.

“Elena and I are going to be occupied for the next hour or so.... I don’t want us to be disturbed.” 

The manager looked very surprised, glancing at her with wide eyes. 

“You want to... ?” He asked quickly and Elena blushed. Hoseok was oddly impressed that he had asked for her consent. Well at least this place wasn't as sleazy as it looked.  

“Just a conversation.” She whispered. Hoseok felt his eyebrow raise in surprise. 

Wait, did she really think he wanted a conversation? Had he been too subtle? Was the hard dick and the invitation to sit on his lap not forward enough? 

The man gave her a  confused look but nodded. 

“Of course Mr. Jung. Anything you like.” he bowed again and left , locking the door behind him. Hoseok glanced at her, watching as she slowly climbed down the stairs 

Elena hesitated, before slowly moving to get her robe. 

“Leave that.” He said , a little more sharply than he intended and she startled a little at his tone. 

“Okay.” She whispered, scratching the back of her neck nervously and smiling a little.

“I’m sorry...I don’t usually do this... I... I’m married.” She said with a laugh. 

Hoseok froze .

It felt a little like someone had dumped a whole entire barrel of ice cold water all over his head. 

Of course she was fucking taken. 

Of fucking course.....

He was such a fucking fool....

“Oh..” He croaked, voice breaking and even that single syllable dripped with so much disappointment  that she noticed. 

Her eyes flashed with something and she carefully climbed off the stage, walking up to him. He held his breath as she came closer, standing right between his spread legs. He wanted to touch but he wasn’t sure if he was allowed. 

Her hand rose up and he felt his breath catch when she lightly touched his hair, patting the strands carefully. 

“you have really thick hair.” She giggled. 

“Does you husband know you’re here?” He said softly. 

Her gaze flitted to him. 

“No. “ She said softly. And then she pressed in closer, enough that her knee brushed his thighs and he gripped her waist with both hands, instinctively.

“No?” 

She bit her lips, eyes shifting away from him.

“He doesn’t... understand.” She sighed. 

Intrigued, Hoseok tugged her closer and she tumbled into his lap. He pulled her in till she was seated on his thighs, legs thrown over the couch as she nestled into his chest. 

He gripped her harder and God, she felt like a delicate bird in his hand. His arms stayed firm but inordinately gentle around her, and he swallowed scared to move because he was afraid he would break her . Scared to let go because he was afraid she would fly way. 

“What doesn’t he understand sweetheart?” He prompted. 

She turned to look right at him and he wanted to take that mask off so badly. To see her face in all its glory. 

“That I need this...” She whispered.

“To dance...?” He prompted and she sniffled a little.

“No.” She whispered. And then her eyes met his again, bright and somehow desperate. 

“What then baby? Why are you here?” He asked although he could already suspect it.

“To be desired. “ She smiled that same sweet smile of hers.

And really, not even a saint could resist that breathtaking smile.

And Jung Hoseok was so , so far from a saint. 

She was the one who owed loyalty to the unknown husband. Not him. So he was going to just take what he was being offered. 

He grabbed her chin, tilting her face to kiss her hard, his tongue forcing its way in before she could get her bearings. She didn’t protest, her body going limp in his arms a he looped her arms around his neck. 

He flipped them over , till she was flat on her back on the couch and he was on her, grabbing her thighs and spreading her legs, grinding his clothed erection down into the heated center of her body as he kissed her. 

She whimpered, hands scrambling to clutch at his shoulders. as she kissed him back. And he wondered if she lied, telling him that she was married. There was a world of inexperience in her kiss , absolutely no finesse in the way she spread her legs wider, hips jerking up to chase friction. 

But what she lacked in experience, she more than made up for in enthusiasm.

“Relax baby... We don’t have to rush...” He kissed her again, drawing back to stare at her and she looked a little out of it. 

“Please.. I just... i need...” 

Something about the look on her face made him pause. It was a familiar look. He’d seen this look before. 

Not in the last decade no, but ....that desperate, confused inexperience took him all the way back to his senior year in  high school when the Queen Bee , Kang Sejin had finally agreed to let him fuck her. 

For the first time. 

Hoseok stilled completely, refusing to believe it. 

How old was this girl underneath him? She couldn’t be younger than twenty five. 

“How old are you?” He demanded.

She stopped trying to yank him closer and went still, staring at him and licking her lips. 

“I’m twenty seven.” She said finally and he frowned.

“You’ve done this before right?” He asked stupidly. 

Of course she had...she said she was married for fuck’s sake. 

But her eyes widened and she looked away and oh. 

Oh. 

What the actual fuck....

Hoseok scrambled off her, his head swimming with disbelief. She choked out a sob and sat up, hugging herself and he felt his heart break when he saw the tears swell, spilling over her lashes and God, that pout on her face. 

“Elena.... “ He held his hand out, wanting to touch her again but she scrambled to her feet and backed away. 

“I’m so sorry... i don’t know what I was thinking...” She bowed, her tears flowing freely now. “ Please...forget this ever happened...” 

Hoseok stared at her as she ran up to stage, grabbing her robe and disappearing behind the curtain quickly. 

He stood there, still painfully aroused as he tried to process what he’d just learned. 

A virgin, he thought in sheer disbelief. 

The stripper I nearly fucked right now is a fucking virgin. 

His legs stopped working as he collapsed on the sofa. 

So much for unwinding on a Friday. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Listen, I know this is dumb but you really need to stop bringing this up so often.” My husband gave me an annoyed glare, his handsome face scrunched in impatience as he stuffed a couple of files into his leather briefcase. 

“Why ? We’re married... we’ve been married for four months now!! Why won’t you touch me?! “ i demanded, exhausted and tired and so guilty. 

Guilty because I’d come so close to cheating on him. 

“Because i don’t get a hard on when i look at you. Because I never wanted to fucking marry you in the first place.!!” He snarled and i bit my lips feeling my heart hurt at the familiar words, the pang still just as painful as the first time he’d said those words to me. 

“But you did...” I reminded him, following him to the door. He growled, throwing the shoe closet open and grabbing his work shoes. 

“Elena... I’m not in the mood for this.” He said sternly.” I’m running late and Hoseok ssi’s supposed to be inspecting our department today. Do you have any idea what an important man he is? I need this meeting to be perfect if I want to get that promotion.... I can’t let anything distract me.” 

“I’m your wife...not a distraction!!” I protested. 

He ignored me, tying his laces and giving me one last look of loathing. 

“if this doesn’t work for you, call your fucking parents and go back to that no good village of yours. We’ll get a fucking divorce and I’ll stop paying for your parents Hospital bills and then we’ll see how you survive.” 

I stared at him, hurt and upset. 

“Yesung...”

“I need to go. “ He stormed out of the house, slamming the door shut behind him. 

I let out a shaky breath, my hands trembling as I tried to get my bearings. It was so hard, doing this. Waking up day after day to cater to his every need and i wondered if it had even been worth it, agreeing to marry him just for the chance to pay for my parents. 

Surely, there could have been another way? 

Why had I agreed? 

My mind flashed to the gorgeous man in the club the previous night. 

 How much for a private conversation.....

 For a second i had been tempted. 

I had actually considered asking him to pay me in return for sex. Maybe if he wanted to do it more than once.... Maybe he could keep me with him. 

And then I could use the money to pay for my parents’ care and i could divorce Yesung. 

Surely that was better than being shunned in your own home? Being made to feel ugly and unappealing. 

I had been so close to doing it last night. So so close and then that man---he had somehow sensed it. Sensed that I hadn’t ever had sex before. 

How embarrassing that had been. He had guessed that I was a virgin and I couldn’t help but wonder how. 

What had i done wrong? i had hugged him, kissed him back and yet he had realized that i had no idea what i was doing or what i wanted. 

How humiliating that had been. 

I bit my lips.

I missed dancing. 

Twice a month in some sleazy club hardly made up for fifteen years of training to be a dancer.  

I missed the ballet school that I had to quit when my dad lost his job.

 I missed Busan. 

I missed my old life so bad. 

Sighing I went back to the kitchen to fix my breakfast when my eyes fell on the packed lunch and i groaned. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesung’s company was easily the most luxurious building I’d ever been. Thankfully, I’d dressed well enough, a yellow summer dress with floral prints. I’d left my hair down, even put on makeup. I looked pretty and i wanted nothing more than for my husband to look at me with a little appreciation. 

Yesung was a tall, very handsome man and i had really genuinely liked him when his parents had offered to set us up for  a  seon.

 He had seemed genuinely interested and it was the only reason I’d agreed to marry him. But apparently, his parents had forced him into the whole thing and he felt nothing but deep resentment for me. 

It was so unfair but i wasn’t ready to give up yet. 

I had every intention of winning my husband over. 

The lady at the reception gave me a visitor’s Id and told me where I could find my husband and I quickly walked over to elevators, nervous because I was the only one in flashy summer colors, all the employees dressed in muted tones of brown and grey. Flushing, I kept my head low as the elevator climbed all the way to the seventeenth floor. When I stepped out of the elevator, I caught sight of Yesung at once. He was talking to a tall man, who had his back towards me . 

“Yesung!! “ i called out brightly. “ You forgot your lunch!!” I held the bag up and my husband’s eyes snapped to me widening in surprise. 

I smiled and kept walking until the man talking to my husband turned around. 

My smile froze on my face, my brain processing the very familiar features. 

I stopped walking , my legs stalling . 

No. 

Oh, God no.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Yesung!  You forgot your lunch!!” 

Hoseok felt his entire heart turn over in his ribcage at the sound of  that  voice. 

No.. No way...it couldn’t  be.

 He turned around, stunned and his eyes caught a flash of lovely yellow, bright and incandescent in the dreary dullness of the office and oh god, it was her. 

It was Elena. 

She looked like sunshine.... Like one of those yellow tulips you saw in wall papers. Fresh and beautiful and even more breathtaking in the bright light of day and Hoseok felt like his brain had been fried. 

She had seen him too and the look on her face said it all. 

Guilt and horror flashed in rapid succession and those lips....those cherry red lips he’d tasted three days ago....they parted in shock. 

Hoseok felt his mouth go dry as she went completely still. 

“I’m so sorry sir... I don’t know why she came here!!” Kang Yesung’s voice drew him to the present and he frowned, watching as the man stalked over to her. His fists clenched as he saw the man grip her arm, hard. 

Elena winced, looking hurt and something in Hoseok just snapped.

Completely forgetting where he was , who he was.... he stalked over , hands coming up to shove Yesung hard. The man, completely taken by surprise, stumbled and fell , crashing into the filling cabinets with a loud noise. 

Everyone in the office went still, staring at him in sheer disbelief 

And he knew exactly what they were thinking?

Did the Sunshine  CEO just physically assault an employee? Was the world ending? 

Hoseok stared at Elena.

“Are you alright? “ He whispered. 

She was gawking at him, but also rubbing the skin where Yesung had grabbed her and before he could stop himself, he was reaching for her arm, brushing her own fingers away and stroking the skin with his. 

“That looks like its going to bruise.” He whispered. 

He whirled to glare at Yesung, who had pulled himself together and was now staring between Hoseok and Elena, shock written all over his features.

“Is this your code of conduct when it comes to women, Mr. Kang?” His voice came out loud and angry , almost a furious snarl. 

Yesung turned an ugly shade of red. 

“She’s my wife sir. She ...she knows she can’t visit me ...” Yesung was gaping at him. 

“So you’re going to assault her?” He demanded. 

Yesung closed his mouth quickly. 

“Are you alright, El-” He stopped himself , “ Mrs Kang.” 

She was looking at the floor.

“Yes , sir.” Her voice shook and he could see her hands trembling. The urge to draw her into his arms was so overwhelming he had to clench his fists to stop himself. 

“Jungkook! “ He called for his assistant. “ Please drop Mrs. Kang back home. Make sure she doesn’t need anything else.” 

Jungkook bowed and smiled wide at her.

“Please, this way, Mrs. Kang.” 

Hoseok stared at her and she glanced at him, one small fleeting glance heavy with guilt and confusion and worry. 

He closed his eyes, trying to get his palpitating heart under control.

Oh, God he was in so much trouble. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also please give this fic a lot of love!!!!! My baby never gets the love he deserves!!! 

author’s Note : 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

i LOVE jUNG hOSEOK. 

THAT’S IT THAT’S THE TEA. 

Feedback is how you repay me so don’t be shy <3 

#jung hoseok #hoseok smut #hobi smut #hoseof fic #hoseok fanfics #hoseok ceo #bts smut #bts ceo au #bts fics #hoseok fic #hoseok fanfic

[daydadahlias]

JayJay, my babe, may i inquire: 4, 9, 32, 44 for the fanfic writer asks? 😌✨

NikNak, you may inquire and I shall reply to the best of my ability <3

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

Okay, I’m gonna try and mix things up a bit and give out some new ones. I love so many fics though, so I’m not saying these are my absolute top three, but they are very very high ranking. I’m very much into Bottom Ash rn, so please, have three of my favorite Bottom Ash fics (there are so few in the world).

Crawling Back to You  Y’all already know how much I adore smut with emotions and this has some killer emotions weaved into the writing. Love, love, love the prose style and have reread many a time. 

Let Me Take Care of You  ONCE AGAIN. Emotion during smut... there is nothing like it !! Sex can be written as such a wonderful extension of intimacy in fics and I just adore it. This is one of my top fics in the fandom, without a doubt, I just love it to death. It is so beautiful and heartfelt and I honestly need to reread it rn. 

Morphine Lover, Make Me Numb  The fucking writing on this one... mmmm. Tasty. The balcony scene?? When there’s all the talk about the stars and galaxies and shit??? Fucking delicious. I am so obsessed with very poetry style writing and this fic checks that box for me. Have reread a hundred times, and will continue to do so. 

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

I think that there are honestly a lot of writers in this fandom who don’t get enough recognition... I’m going to say @calumthoodshands because of fucking DITS which is a masterpiece, and of course you, dear @valiantnerdtm who deserves a lot more hype for ITNR, and I know Noah only has two fics in the fandom but fuck their writing is unreal so @ladybugnoah but there are so many more. I also think @allsassnoclass deserves more hype for their fic Off-Screen which I am in love with. 

32. Copy and paste your top three favorite lines/jokes/sentences you’ve ever written. What fics do they come from?

Fuuuuckkkkk. Okay. Let’s go grab some one-liners. I’m not going to explain why I like them because... to be honest I just don’t want to sound pretentious. So Imma just drop these bad boys and skitter away. ((tried to pick more,,, background lines than usual, like not the obvious one-liners))

He says, quietly to Luke, words that break Luke’s heart harder than a hammer or meaningless touches, “I wish you wouldn’t talk about me like you know me.”  ^^ From Tinted Windows

But it gets tiring, having to keep one eye on Luke and one eye on Michael and one eye on Calum when he only has two eyes.  ^^ From Lightweight

But soon, he’s too desperate to even wait for night, and he’ll catch Calum off guard when he’s washing dishes in the river at sun-up, or when he’s cooking lunch, or when he’s just sitting and talking about nothing, the way his eyes squint being invitation enough. 

^^ From Empty Gut

((sorry abt the formatting on that, ew))

 44. Rant about something writing related.

I don’t understand why top/bottom dynamics matter so much to some readers. Like I just don’t get why some people have a preconceived notion in their head that a bottom has to be more submissive and that one person in the pairing has to be The Top. Like, I have listened to so many goddamn people gripe about not wanting to read Bottom Ashton because it doesn’t fit their fantasy and I respect that preference but I just don’t understand it, y’know?? Like gay sex... isn’t just one dominating person and one submissive person — at least, not in most relationships. I just think that pushing that narrative is very fetishistic and it bothers me when people are so heavily inclined either way. Like I’ve read comments on fics that are “sorry, had to skip the smut because I don’t read bottom ash” like dude okay, don’t?? tell the writer??? that??? It’s just the shittiest thing I could ever imagine doing in Fanfic Commenter World. Literally don’t read it then but don’t feel the need to tell the writer you didn’t?? If it’s not your preference, then it’s not your preference, and that’s cool but don’t be such a whiny little bitch baby about it. 

From Fanfic Writer Asks Game

#cornflower #lapis #this is just like #a rant now #and this is too long #but it's fine #its for nik #nik knows me

[on-maars]

This is a love declaration for Destiel

Here's what I think about everything that happened and I thought maybe some of you could relate. Also I need to rant because I am M A D.

I've always been a huge fan of Destiel. I remember when I first watched the show, I knew there was a guy called Castiel in season 4 and i didn't know much about him but I still rushed into the first three seasons so fast because I just knew he would be my favorite character. And I was right. He was everything I expected and so much more: He was sweet and kind and honest and open-hearted. He was the truest person on the show and the fact that he wasn't scared of standing up to what he believed in was I think the thing I loved the most about him. The amount of love we all have for this character is insane.

And some people may ask us: "Isn't it what you're doing with tons of characters though? The shipping thing?" And yes I did like the idea of wolfstar or johnlock but it never came close to the way I fell in love with the possibility of Destiel becoming canon.

And you know what, I've never asked for anything. I've never expected anything from them because I was convinced they would keep hinting at it constantly without never acting on it. Because that's what they do. Every series with what we believe are queer characters does that all the time. Queerbaiting is not new and even though it sucks ass, well let's say we're used to it. And I didn't know the term queerbaiting back then but I was okay with secretly enjoying their interactions and imagining scenarios in my head and reading fanfics to make up for it.

But then this damn episode happened. And i'm not gonna lie, I hadn't watched supernatural for a few years so when I saw everyone freaking out about that Destiel scene and claiming it was actually canon, i got curious and i couldn't stop myself from wondering what it was about.

Castiel was confessing his feelings to Dean and seeing him be so honest and so open-hearted seemed so unreal. I remember thinking "damn maybe we've been too harsh with them, maybe they're actually going to do something about it in some way". But even then, I wasn't expecting much. I wasn't asking for anything too real like a kiss. To be honest, the possibility of them getting to see each other again or seeing and hearing Dean saying he loves him back in some way or another would have been enough for me. Just seeing him trying to deal with the grief would have made me happy because they would have implied that destiel was real and really after all the shit we went through, this was the very small thing we deserved.

But no. Nothing happened. No Dean grieving, no Dean trying to accept this part of himself, no real conversations with Sam about Cas, not even a single mention of Cas except "he helped". And EVEN THEN, Dean just smiled??? This is such bullshit. We ALL KNOW that if Castiel really managed to get out of the empty and helped with Heaven, he would have found a way to reach Dean. We ALL KNOW Dean would have tried to find him. Even if we take the platonic perspective of things, it makes NO FUCKING SENSE.

And that's why i'm so PISSED. Because it clearly shows they don't give a shit about anything. They don't give a shit about their own characters. This is queerbaiting and bury your gays at its finest and they know it.

The fact that they fooled us by making us think that maybe something was finally happening only to trash everything at the end is so fucking frustrating. It's like "hey your angel is gay you happy? Only we don't accept gays or bi here so we'll kill him right away and won't talk about this scene ever again lol and dean doesn't even need to answer him and he certainly doesn't want to find a way to see him again even though we've been fucking with your feelings since day 1" like come on even if he only views him as his brother, your ending is still crap. And the good old "you looked too much into it" excuse doesn't even make sense anymore.

Anyway, fuck this ending, i never thought i could be so mad and heartbroken over a series finale.

#supernatural #supernatural ending #supernatural finale #castiel #Destiel #deancas #dean winchester #misha collins #jensen ackles #Supernatural season fifteen #Supernatural season 15 #this finale is fucked part2 #spn spoilers

[nellie-elizabeth]

Supernatural: Despair (15x18)

I'm having an out of body experience, I cannot believe this. Last night was legitimately one of the weirdest nights of my life, and not just because of *gestures broadly* but also because of *gestures broadly* and myriad other small but still totally bizarre personal things coming at me from all angles... strap in, y'all, I've got some shit to say.

Cons:

We're gonna talk about it. Ohhhh, we're gonna talk about it. But let's start with some other shit before we get there.

So... are we ignoring "Dean was willing to let Jack sacrifice himself" or something? Like there was that moment with Sam and Dean where they talked about it, and Dean apologizes for pulling a gun on Sam, and Sam is like "oh it's okay Dean, no worries." But at the beginning of this episode, Dean seems to be just as worried for Jack, and as protective of him, as the others, with absolutely no acknowledgment of what happened in the last episode. This... should have mattered. There should have been some regrouping and some serious talks about this. Seriously.

The Thanos snap thing... guys, when Infinity War did it in 2018, it was kind of fun and shocking and cool, and we knew the deaths wouldn't be permanent but it was still wild to watch our heroes react to such an immense loss and then leave us all in limbo for a year. This... is not that. The sheer tone-deafness of having this episode contain a moment of domesticity for AU!Charlie and her cool egg-making girlfriend Stevie, only to have Stevie vanish... and then to end the episode with the biggest queer-bait/bury your gays moment imaginable... like...

Okay, sorry, no, saving the Destiel thing until I've sorted out the rest of this nonsense. The point is, seems pretty clear that the deaths in this episode (other than Cas') are temporary, and Supernatural already has the biggest power creep problem of any show I've ever seen... they really couldn't think of another way to up the stakes for the ending, other than doing the thing where everyone gets killed? Didn't... Crowley... already do this to them several seasons back? Am I hallucinating? There's nothing new under the sun with this show.

Why does this show introduce things and resolve them in a single episode? Like, big, huge things? We just figured out Death was trying to double-cross them, and now by the end she's dead? This show either limps along and does nothing, or speeds through plot stuff at lightning-speed. These last two episodes were big and dramatic and full of Plot but in a way where it all feels kind of unreal. Pacing issues like whoa.

And speaking of. Ahem. Okay. Let's... let's do this. I have some things about the Destiel scene that I'm going to put in the "pros" section below, and hopefully as you read on you'll understand why it's really hard for me to be black and white about it. If I had to, if I had to determine whether I am "happy" or "sad" or "grateful" or "angry" I'd say... sad and angry, 97%? Like? Let's dive in, here.

Setting aside the larger context, a couple of smaller notes:

Acting-wise, what the fuck was Jensen doing in this scene? Misha was acting his whole heart out and Jensen gave him nothing to play off of. I don't understand how Jensen accidentally played Dean so obviously in love with Cas all this time, and then in this moment, no-homo'd it so fucking hard. Even the stage directions in the script page that was floating around said that Dean didn't reciprocate. That's dumb, like, in a shipping sense it's disappointing, but also... Dean, what was your face doing while Cas gave his whole monologue about how amazing you are? What a great and loving man you are? Even if he hadn't ended the whole thing by saying "I love you" and then dying right in front of your eyes, surely you would have been feeling some kind of way about the whole situation?

Also, the scene was shot so awkwardly, there was too much space between them, and then Cas pushes Dean out of the way and he just sits there on the floor with Pikachu-face while The Empty opens up and takes Death and Cas away, making these weird shocked noises... Supernatural often has awkward pacing when dramatic things are happening in action scenes, where certain people have to stand still like it's not their turn on the initiative order in a D&D fight or something, and this was one of the more embarrassing and awkward examples of that.

Cas' deal with The Empty has not been brought up practically since it happened. Cas has been sidelined as a character a lot this season, the past couple seasons, really, but we had this hanging over our heads, right? When Cas says "I've figured it out, true happiness isn't in having, it's just in saying it", the moment doesn't really work on a character level, because we didn't get to see Cas do any of that figuring out. We didn't know he was curious about his true happiness, we didn't know it was an internal struggle/debate for him, wondering what it could be. A lot of Destiel people wanted it to be Dean confessing his love to Cas, and that being the true happiness... but of course that would never happen in a million years. Others thought it would be "yay we defeated the big evil, we can all be a happy family together," oh snap, I'm too happy, goodbye. Which would have been... weirdly anticlimactic, but at least would have made some level of narrative sense. This idea that telling Dean how he feels would bring Cas peace is... well, it's okay, it's fine in isolation, but there's no buildup to it, no tension to his moment of "realization."

And now to fry some bigger fish...

Let's forget about the fact that we never thought this would happen to begin with. Is it actually... worse that it did? Seriously, queer angel man confesses his love to stoic human man who stands there without making a single expression, and the act of confessing said love, knowing it's not reciprocated, knowing he won't get to be with Dean or even be near him ever again, is enough to make Castiel so truly happy that he's willing to die peacefully and forever, all in the act of saving Dean's life? Is that not... like... textbook homophobia? People toss around "bury your gays" a lot and I think what they're missing is that the trope doesn't automatically apply just because a queer character dies. It means a queer character dies because of their queerness, or they are revealed to be queer but can't get any measure of happiness and then they die immediately. This is textbook that. The act of confessing his GAY LOVE is what KILLED CAS. It's a one-to-one sequence of events. It's not a coincidence that Cas died right after saying this. Saying this is what made him die. That's... appalling. Truly, in a very real sense, it's appalling.

Another thing I haven't seen people talk about much is the manufactured nature of this sacrifice. We just found out Billie was going to turn on them at the end of the last episode. If Cas was going to die in a sacrifice-y way, did it have to happen now when Billie was basically just knocking on the door trying to get at Dean for a last-minute revenge thing, even though Billie was already at death's door? This was so contrived, like, can Cas not whoosh them away to somewhere else? Keep them running until Billie succumbs? I get that it wouldn't have been easy, and maybe Billie could have caught up to them anyway, but my point is, they manufactured this moment to be "the only way" that Dean could survive, making Cas' sacrifice so noble and necessary or whatever... but I was sitting there thinking there's got to be another way. If they'd wanted to write in another way, there could have been. The inevitability felt so very contrived. And, as mentioned, the impact of dying on this show has lost all meaning, so even Billie trying to kill Dean, squeezing his heart in his chest, did absolutely nothing for me. I knew he'd be fine, because there are two more episodes left. And if Cas hadn't been there to do what he did, Dean would still have been fine because he's Dean. Am I making any sense?

We have two more episodes left. I am... fairly confident Misha won't be in those episodes. All context, both within the show and without, points to that. I truly think that after all this time, he gets the only ending in the whole show that's unambiguously unsalvageable and tragic. We have a world where the afterlife exists and people can hang out there, but The Empty is a different beast, and this means Cas is... gone. Permanently. Like, his consciousness no longer exists, he's caput. They could bring him back from The Empty, in fact, they've already done it once... but if they decide not to, that's just... where we leave things, and that's brutal and unnecessarily grim. The other characters, even if we get an end-of-show TPK (which would be STUPID, more on that later), could at least have canon or implied-canon reunions in the afterlife. If we don't see Eileen again, we can get the implied ending of her coming back to life, or Sam dying and joining her in Heaven. Same with Charlie, with Charlie's new girlfriend, with Bobby, with Donna, with every other character that's died along the way, including Mary Winchester and OG Charlie, OG Bobby, whatever you want. The fact that Cas gets this, after everything, is truly the part I'm the most sad about, setting aside love confessions entirely.

So as I said, two more episodes. I'm worried that Cas dying is gonna get swallowed up with everyone dying and not get its due, thus making the confession completely isolated. Like, here you go, gays, have this one scene, which, in isolation is quite heartfelt from Cas' perspective, but can be carefully boxed up and not touched for the last two hours of the show. If they don't want to touch on how this would affect Dean specifically, they don't have to. He can be generally angsty and sad about Cas, but they could get away with never bringing it up again, and that is some grade-A level bullshit right there, my friends. At minimum, Dean needs to tell Sam about this. He probably won't, but he should, if the show has any sense of integrity left in its bones.

Ahem. Like I said, I have... lots of thoughts. More on Destiel later, but let's turn to the "Pros" section and talk about some other aspects of this incredibly crowded episode.

Pros:

Despite my issues with everything that didn't get resolved re: Dean letting Jack die, I did kind of like the "to somehow" scene, because it was a nice little breather for the brothers, it solidified them as being on the same side to the bitter end, that despite all the crazy shit they've been through, that they've put each other through, they'll have this as a bedrock at the end of the day. I'm not a brothers-only sort of fan, at all, in fact, I think a brothers-only ending betrays most of what's beautiful about this show in its good moments. But they are the stars, they are the protagonists, they should be the center of their own story, and I like it when we get check-ins like this, that shows how unshakable they are underneath all the other crap.

Charlie and Stevie... okay, cute that their names are like that, cute that Charlie said: "I liked the way she handled herself" and that's how they got together... eggs are cute, whatever... and if these deaths are impermanent, which... come on... they have to be, I do like that Charlie gets to have a girlfriend and be happy as a hunter and as someone's partner.

I liked the tense car ride with Sam texting Eileen, with Dean, Jack, and Cas all silent in the car with him... that was a nice moment of solidarity, all of them entirely on the same page about being there for Sam and helping Eileen however they could... even knowing the futility. What were they going to do when they got there? That was a great tension-building moment, in isolation, even though the deaths are likely temporary.

Cas and Jack's talk was good, I'll admit I've definitely been won over by Cas and Sam as Jack's dads... Dean too, once upon a time, but dude needs to do some groveling before he gets to be Dad again, seriously. It's nice that in the midst of all the chaos, there was a check-in moment. Jack is the embodiment of a lot of our end-game themes, here. He had a noble destiny to sacrifice himself, and then it fizzled out and didn't work, and now he's just left in the aftermath, not sure what to do with himself. It was important that Cas tell him that Jack is worthy of love and family, even if he's not "useful" in the way he thought he could be. Definitely nice to have that nailed in.

If we're following the Infinity War/Endgame line, the last two episodes will be majority Sam, Dean, and Jack, but at the last moment there will be a way to reverse it, and everyone else will come back in a moment of triumph. But probably not so much Castiel, which... well... see above complaints. The point is, seeing Charlie, Bobby, Donna, Eileen, etc. all burst forth for one final moment of glory could be really cool, if they manage to stick the landing with it. It'll be an incredibly manufactured sense of triumph and nostalgia, but it will probably work on me because it's been... guys, I don't know if you know this, but it's been kind of an emotional year. :)

I will say, working under the assumption that the dead characters will come back, I'm actually oddly... not mad about Donna dying. It was actually a legitimately shocking twist. A rule was set up: if a person had died before and been resurrected, or if a person was from another universe, they could be Thanos snapped by Billie. Makes sense. Sam and Dean are in danger because of all their deaths, Jack and Cas aren't safe for the same reason. Charlie, Bobby, Eileen... sure. But Donna should have been safe, given the parameters we started with.

And then Dean and Cas are confronting Billie, she says she's not killing anyone, we realize it must be Chuck... and then Donna, who isn't from another world, who has never died... GONE. I gasped.

And the hits kept coming... Billie is dying because Dean killed her with that small wound, and didn't even know it. That's another excellent twist. The past two episodes, back to back, have kept me on my toes about who to ultimately be afraid of. Chuck? Billie? The Empty? It's so much better than this slow march to Chuck vs. Sam and Dean that we've been getting all season, even if we do loop around to Chuck again as the final Big Bad.

The Empty is actually quite a complex, interesting idea for a villain, this entity that doesn't get involved in petty squabbles, doesn't have personal vendettas, but actually just wants to sleep and be left alone. Having Meg be the Empty's face here at the end is also a nice touch. I wish we could have had more of this, truthfully, and I'm curious how The Empty will play a role in how things shake out, if at all.

So... I want to go back to something I've been saying these past couple episodes, about how if this show has a grimdark ending, it will be a betrayal of everything they've set up. It will be so stupid that my anger will manifest in yet another round of hysterical giggles. What I suspect is that we'll get something peaceful, something where trauma will linger but people will get to start anew. Maybe Jack creates a new world outside of Chuck's power. Maybe Sam and Dean take over as God and the Darkness, as some people suggested, and Jack is the new Death. Maybe maybe maybe. Bottom line, I could be satisfied with the majority of this ending, and I can even (obliquely, reluctantly) understand that they wanted one final perma-death to really make the stakes feel higher. If they aren't killing off the Winchesters, that leaves Castiel. So what I'm saying in this paragraph is basically that I'm not guaranteed to despise the ending of this show yet. They could still get it right.

God, that sounds pretty bleak, doesn't it?

Before I end this, I want to talk about, as promised, the few Destiel-related points that I'd classify as "pros", albeit with a big asterisk.

First off, Misha clearly found the moment very cathartic, and he pulled out all the stops, and, in isolation, the confession was hella romantic and quite poignant. Without context, just reading these lines? "The one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have" and "because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, I cared about the whole world because of you..." like, that's some premium content, I won't lie. I also kind of enjoy the idea that Cas finds happiness in saying the words out loud, in being true to who he is. I hate a lot about what happened to Cas here, but if Cas' arc, in its totality, is about embracing humanity, and Dean is the anchor to that, this really does come full circle. He pulled Dean out of Hell, he saved him, he loved him, he'll die for him, and in accepting that love, that human love, he is finally at peace with who he is. Now, mind my comments above, I'm still not happy, but I can see how in one sense, this is narratively poignant. And if others are satisfied with it, I'm happy for them.

(Added bonus, while Jensen's acting was WACK for the majority of that scene, I did like the ending shot, the silence, him not answering Sam's call, crying silently into his hands. That was very nicely shot and acted, I thought.)

Secondly, and this isn't actually praise for the show, it's more a... meta experience? I have to say, the idea that Destiel became sort of canon, but in the most homophobic way possible, in the year 2020, while we're all still waiting for election results to come in is... one of the wildest, most hilarious things to ever have happened to me. I mean it, last night sitting alone in my house I kept cackling loudly to myself, in complete and utter disbelief. I saw Tumblr explode in a way that hasn't happened in years. I was transported back in time nearly a full decade, to the person I was when I started writing these reviews, or even before that, when I was new to Supernatural, new to the whole concept of being truly involved in a fandom.

Here's the thing... I never. Ever. EVER. Thought we would get any sort of textual confirmation. I thought at most, if they went for a happy ending for everyone, we'd get Dean and Cas as hunting partners, and we could all fill in the post-canon gaps. I once told my sister that I'd be happy with a one-sided love confession from Cas to Dean, because that part was practically canon before last night, and in a way, I am happy. I'm happy that this crazy thing actually happened, and if nothing else, all of those clowns can put away their makeup. I was never with them. I never believed, and there's this sliver of me that's happy to have been wrong. It's completely bogus how it happened, but the fact that we live in a reality where it happened is still kind of tripping me out in a major way. So I'm happy, I'm... flabbergasted, but I'm experiencing a very unique, unprecedented soup of emotions this morning and I never would have felt like this if Cas had died with a no homo parting.

And that's the thing, they let it be unambiguously about Dean, not just in that one moment, but all along, and that's really satisfying in a meta narrative sense that when everyone was reading it as "Castiel is in love with Dean," they were... correct. It doesn't really matter when they decided this, in last night's episode they made it crystal-clear that it wasn't a whim, wasn't a recent development, in-universe. This has been Cas' truth from very, very early on, his entire experience since meeting Dean has been shaped by him, he's loved him all this time. That... I don't know, it's absolutely bonkers that this is all we're going to get, but it does mean something, if you want to let it.

Welcome back to 2012, Tumblr. Last night was a wild ride, I won't deny.

I'm giving the episode a bad score, but I just want to say the Destiel scene gets a simultaneous infinity-out-of-ten and also zero-out-of-ten, imploding the multiverse instantly. That's where I'm at, folks. Insert gif of Chidi dropping Peeps into a big pot of chili. I'm gonna go take a nap.

6/10

#review #supernatural #supernatural review #spn #spn 15x18 #destiel #i'm experiencing actual shock #i keep laughing #but like #you know how sometimes people laugh or smile inappropriately at funerals? #it feels like that

[jokidden]

My long ass essay about the Old Guard Part 2

Where I left off: Guys can cry while saying I love you in a 1000000 words long poem they just thought up on the spot and then be kissed for it. The only people making fun of him and being mean is those ugly ass enemy guys.

Onto then to Joe and Nicky. Sappy husbands shooting heart eyes at each other, all the time. They are unashamedly in love. (Also, you know, gay. God, I could cry rivers). I don’t want to write about them an essay here so I try to be short. At the big shooting at the beginning, first thing Joe does when he comes to his senses is checking on Nicky. Van scene. First thing he does here too is to check up on Nicky, see if he is alright. When the goons try to stop him, he doesn’t snap at them, shouting to LET ME GO BASTARDS!! OR I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU!! Nah. He just asks them nicely to please let him see if he is alright, please I have to know. He is clearly worried even though he knows there is little chance that Nicky won’t wake up but that doesn’t stop him from choking on his worry. And when the bad guys meanly joke about haha what is he your boyfriend? That’s what gets Joe all riled up. Though he still doesn’t react violently, well maybe, if we count his love confession violently sappy and poetic. He loves this man and likes to show it. And Nicky is like aww what a dork I love you too and MOTHERFREAKING KISS. Like. What a fuck you to homophobic manchildren.

Nicky is just so kind and understanding it’s unreal. Likes to cook (I know it’s not a big thing but I personally love him for this). Makes freaking tea to the team like a grandma. Worries about Nile, about how alone and scared and confused she must be, he asks her about her nightmare when she wakes up screaming. He likes to take care of his loved ones and obviously shows affection even if not as much as Joe. He is more reserved, calm and quiet but Yeah, definitely not afraid of ~~~~emotions~~~~

In short: They’re such gentle creatures when they want to be and it’s glorious while on the other hand they kill and beat people without a blink and that’s such a paradox (it shouldn’t be. People can be complicated.). If no one noticed it so far, I’m in love.

BOOKER!!

The little bird is Vulnerable, like, all the time. It’s clear he is suffering, he hates immortality and tells his sob story to Neil basically crying. Almost cries when he is remembering his past, after betraying Andy because „We could finally die, Andy. Isn’t that what we wanted all this time? Don’t you see what I’m trying to do?”, when he learns Andy isn’t immortal anymore and at the end too, when he talks to Nile and says goodbye to Andy. I don’t want to touch too much on his suicidal tendencies but it sure isn’t a secret and that’s something movies never ever show. Like suicide is some kind of ultimate weakness which is Not Manly. Must be shocking that Crying isn’t something that takes away manliness. In fact, it is a strong and very brave thing to show vulnerability and cry.

Respect women juice drinking like it's a religion.

What I love about Copley is that he isn't a bad man. He wants to save lives, save humanity, stop suffering and he genuinly believes this is what he is doing. He is clearly awed at what he found out about the immortals. He quickly realises his mistake in trusting Merrick but it is too late and it kind of just... broke him a little. That these people will be tortured because of him. So he decides to set things right but gets talked out if it and just gives Nile his card. He doesn't asks for forgiveness. To let him make up the wrong he made. No, he knows what he did, and now he is at the mercy of the Old Guard.

The bad guys on the other hand. Merrick, the evil CEO. And he isn’t some kind of hot shot smart guy, the villain you love to hate, he is just a little meek nobody who can’t even throw a rock far away enough and would still hurt his hand. Clutching that axe like it will give him some otherworldly strength instead of being heavy enough that he won’t be able to actually swing it. He can’t fight so he has a full team of guys armed to the teeth to do it for him, he isn’t smart enough to do his own research. Has zero sad backstory, a clue about why he is doing all this. Maybe he is just, I don’t know, a little dick who wants money and power. He also dies. Good riddance.

That Keane guy was obviously more muscle than brain, his only purpose was to do as he was told because, let’s be honest, he was nothing more than a lap dog with an ugly bite. Thankfully he died too, and in such a satisfying way, I had tears in my eyes. He got what he deserved for killing Nicky. No sympathy to bad guys.

So yeah. This is the end. If anyone actually read it, you’re a hero. I kinda lost my thought process at the end but uhm. Thanks for reading.

#The old guard #what is this brain vomit here #i dont know #but i worked so hard on it so here it is anyway

[vespertine-legacy]

It’s Wednesday my dudes! Have some snippets from works-in-progress that will probably never be finished! Nothing has been proof-read so it’s probably all full of errors but I am feeling in a sharing mood, so hopefully it’s not awful.

1. it’s what we deserve - Zuvi fic set during Shadow of Revan/Rise of the Emperor, specifically at the end of Ziost; Warning for minor character death, canon-typical blaster violence

When Master Surro is freed from Vitiate’s grasp, she all but begs for death, and while Lana and Theron argue about whether she should be taken to Tython to be healed by the Jedi or interrogated--and likely dissected--by the Sith to learn more about how Vitiate used her, Zuvi makes the decision for them, furious that it falls to her but exhausted by watching them waste time screaming at each other over who is right while a woman writhes on the ground meters away from them. Zuvi does not know the torment of having Vitiate inside one’s mind, but she saw Lana falter trying to keep him out of hers and she heard the desperation in Surro’s voice when she said she would never truly be free from Vitiate. Zuvi isn’t sure if Theron or Lana heard Surro - they’re too busy trying to justify their factions’ uses for her - so she ignores them as she helps Surro to her feet and aims her blaster.

She holds for a long moment, looking Surro in the eye to know she’s sure this is what she wants. Surro nods, whispers “thank you,” and closes her eyes. Zuvi pulls the trigger and grants Surro’s wish with a blaster bolt that hits true in the center of her forehead. She forces herself not to look away; Zuvi feels she owes Surro at least that much, and it feels like a lifetime ago that she was too weak to give Senator Dodonna that same decency. Theron and Lana finally realize what is happening, but it is too late. Her weapon is already holstered before Surro hits the ground.

Theron grabs Zuvi’s arm roughly, forcing her to face him, and his voice is low, dangerous. “The Jedi could have saved her—I could have saved her.”

Lana’s voice is equally dangerous, almost feral. “You may have killed us all! I hope you’re happy.”

We might deserve it, Zuvi thinks savagely, as she rips her arm out of Theron’s grip and curls her hands tightly into fists to keep herself from drawing her blasters again. “Fuck you both. She was in pain, she’s not anymore.”

2. it will not last, but it will be enough - Zuvi fit set during kotet, specifically chapter 8; Warning for Arcann being Arcann, canon typical lightsaber and blaster violence

Fury renewed, Zuvi is on her feet again, firing quickly, knowing that Arcann can’t block every shot. She lands another shot on his mask - it doesn’t do any real damage, but it knocks his chin to the side, probably painfully. The blast of energy he throws at her is worth it, even though the pain in her gut from it is unreal, and she’s back up and firing again before he expects her to be.

Then Valkorion, deciding that he knows better than her, interrupts the fight to say that she needs him, that she can’t possibly win without him, that if she would just let him help her, the fight would be over so easily. But Zuvi accepted Valkorion’s help once, and she’ll never stop regretting that decision.

“Get fucked. I can beat him on my own, and then you’re next.”

As Valkorion fades out, Zuvi feels a powerful grip on her body and she is jerked forward across the room, stopping face-to-face with Arcann, close enough for her breath to leave fog on his mask. It takes a moment to register that his lightsaber is out between them, that the hilt is pressed hard against her stomach with the pointed guard at the base of the blade digging in under her ribs, that she can hear the blade humming behind her. Valkorion’s apparition isn’t present anymore, but time feels so slow. Zuvi is ashamed of the panicked whimper that escapes her throat, and she can tell from Arcann’s eyes that he is smiling.

This is what it feels like to die, isn’t it?

3. untitled - Mahzarin/Moxie fic, unsure of timeline for either, Moxie accepts a contract on Mahzarin and homoerotic fight shenanigans ensue; Warning for gay fight scene-ish bullshit, I guess?

As Mahzarin stands to leave, Moxie loads a stun dart into the launcher on her gauntlet, lines up a shot, and fires, leaping from her perch. The dart hits Mahzarin in the side of her neck, and she tries to reach for her lightsaber, spinning to find her attacker, but her movements are sluggish from the dart, and Moxie has already descended on her, taking Mahzarin to the ground underneath her. Mahzarin lands hard on her back; Moxie pins Mahzarin’s arms with her knees and tucks the muzzle of her blaster under Mahzarin’s chin.

“How?” Moxie grins down at her quarry. “How did you fool the Sith?”

“What?” Mahzarin glares up at Moxie, golden eyes narrowing and nostrils flaring with anger. She bucks her hips in an attempt to unseat the hunter from astride her.

But Moxie is both denser than she looks and more agile. She digs her knees into Mahzarin’s unarmored elbows, and grinds Mahzarin’s pelvis into the pavement with her own hips. Mahzarin cries out, and Moxie laughs at the realization that the noise is not entirely one of pain or of anger. The bounty hunter tilts Mahzarin’s chin up with the blaster muzzle.

“I was sent here to kill you, h'sletret mal'r, but I’m not sure I really want to. I do want to know how you convinced the Sith you’re one of them.” Moxie leans close to get a better look at Mahzarin’s golden eyes. “And why.”

“Get off of me, fucking zveris.” Mahzarin tries to spit in Moxie’s face, but Moxie has been insulted and spat on before and knows the look. Moxie dodges, and Mahzarin’s spittle lands back on her own face, further enraging her. “I am Sith. Give me a fair fight, and I’ll prove it.”

“Ooh, little mal’r thinks she has honor; how interesting.”

[Moxie calls Mahzarin “little liar” in Zabraki, and Mahzarin calls Moxie “beast” in Sith]

#oh god i'm gonna regret this #swtor fanfiction #swtor oc zuvi #swtor oc moxie #swtor oc mahzarin #works in progress #uhhhh thoughts? #questions? comments? concerns? #help I've never done a wip wednesday?

[tempestaurora]

endgame opinions

spoilers under the cut. i’ve opened my dms so feel free to come and scream/yell/cry/whatever with me. this turned out really long because i start speculating half way through as well as talking about opinions.

let’s start with harley keener, my son, who was literally only in the movie for a second, at the fucking funeral. are you kidding me. and a lot of people don’t know what ty simpkins looks like now?? so even my friend didn’t know who he was until i started physically vibrating in my seat

HOWEVER, he and peter are in the same location, which totally opens up a plausible reason for them to know each other, become best friends/brothers/roommates at MIT

it’s sad that it was just him standing alone though, like no one stood with him, like his mother or anyone. that’s sad.

i wrote a harley keener infinity war fic so like,, feel free to read that to get the harley keener endgame feelings we DESERVE

aNYWAY, good film

i enjoyed it a lot for the most part, like i have so few complaints its unreal

it’s a genuinely funny film that didn’t feel like it was shoehorning in comedic relief, but like the movie was SUPPOSED to be lighter and funnier and drama was happening in between

i didn’t care for the ending in the slightest fuck that

i’m pissed about being lied to by the directors about a canon gay character. they sat up there on their high horses, congratulating themselves for a job well done for diversity, when it was just a fucking extra with no name, referring to a male partner twice. that’s it. you’re fucking kidding me if you think that’s diversity, if the russos truly think that was worth getting our hopes up for.

you know who could’ve been confirmed lgbt? valkyrie. steve. bucky. tony. (and no, tony appreciating steve’s ass doesn’t confirm our bi father, son and holy spirit on screen, unfortunately.)

that’s a fucking joke, russos. i hope they’re fucking ashamed of that.

(i really was watching that final bucky/steve scene and hoping for some hint of, it was always you, you know and got fucking nothing. i barely even ship stucky and i know that it should’ve been them)

the clint/natasha fight on vormir was the best scene, hands down. there’s no competition here. it was the best moment of the film, and despite my annoyance at the russos seeing that the audience didn’t appreciate gamora dying to further a man’s arc, and then fucking doing it again, i really did like that scene

i figured nat was gonna die but i didn’t think i’d actually be sad about it

as soon as they said they were going to vormir i knew the fight would happen and it lived up to every expectation and some

the barton home cold open was fantastic

why the ever loving FUCK was carol danvers so forcefully advertised to us?????? why were we told over and over and over that carol was gonna kill thanos, that she was gonna save the day, that the avengers literally had zero chance without her????? she had four minutes of screentime what the fuck

i appreciate her and peter’s interaction though that was cute and he was wrecked

the peter/tony reunion was cute af, glad they finally got their hug

also, i always wanted peter to call him tony but like that???? nah

side note, don’t remember in the slightest what rhodey and peter said as tony died because i was sitting there going, he’s not actually gonna die, obviously, that’s not gonna happen, they’re gonna make us think he will and then he’ll come back so i missed both their goodbyes

i know it was a 3 hour film but there was space for... more. there should’ve been more. where was rocket and groot’s reunion? where was bucky and steve’s?

where did valkyrie get a fucking pegasus from

bruce and hulk’s new system is hilarious but the fact that he dabbed pains me

bruce wielding the gauntlet was so incredibly left field i loved it, like no one guessed that he’d be the one to bring everyone back. no one

scott did great

i’m not sure if i can settle myself with this five year time jump for a whole host of reasons

1. do we have, officially, a new cassie lang actress? is our iconic abby ryder fortson leaving us for an older actress???

2. far from home takes place, supposedly, a week after endgame. it was one of the reasons i believed tony wouldn’t die, because it seems like a wholly upbeat film - and y’all saw his face at the funeral, he was fucking gone - and it’s even been confirmed to be lighter and funnier, so there better be some fucking low blow that takes peter out on the tony front (but did the writers/directors even know tony had died when they made the film? will it be ignored altogether?) back to the main point:

2a. it’s around the year 2023 and as soon as the entire world comes back, there’s a two week field trip to europe that peter and all his classmates have somehow paid for, signed permission slips for, and arranged, despite the fact that they’ve all been dead for five years. and i mean all. literally the entire main cast of spiderman is still in peter’s class, they haven’t grown up and moved on. the entire fucking cast got dusted.

3. we didn’t really get to see tony and steve make up??? they kinda just brushed over everything

i almost cried seeing ned leeds and peter reunite

okay now the biggies:

i’m Not Okay with tony stark dying

i’m not

it’s not just that he’s my favourite character and i care about him above all others, it’s that his entire arc has been about first, accountability, and second, leaving the fight. yes, it’s also got a lot of heart motifs and mentions of sacrifice too. i understand that. but tony has been wrestling with his father’s legacy and the kind of father he’ll be since day one.

he deserved his happy ending.

not just five years. not just a daughter who will know OF him but not know him, who’ll forget the short time of memories she has in due course. he deserved to grow old with his daughter and his wife and the kid whose photo he placed on the shelf in the kitchen, where he could see it every day.

he does deserve rest. but he deserves the kind of rest where he’s alive.

i have said before that if tony stark dies, i stop watching the mcu, and tbh, might actually go through with it. i don’t know if i really want to watch the films, knowing he’s gone? (and that they could’ve used either the time stone, or, you know, their time travel machine, to go two weeks back, grab that tony and bring him into the present. say, hey, you died, but now you can keep living.)

and steve.

oh steve.

i love steve rogers, i do. i absolutely adore steve rogers. but i’m about the same level of angry about his ending as i am about tony’s.

and honestly? it’s only because it’s not him. it’s not the him we know. my friend said that cap went and settled down because he’d finally learnt the lesson tony had been teaching; that maybe there is a reason to set down the shield and live a quiet, good life. but i don’t like it. it opens time anomalies, inconsistencies. it doesn’t feel like him.

since cap came into the 21st century, his story line has had a motif of moving on. about getting with the times, learning new music, new references, finding old friends and having to decide whether he should hold onto them and risk what he has now, or let them go. he’s been staring at a photo of peggy carter since 2011, he made peace with her life when he visited her in hospital, he let her go when she died. he watched her, through her office window, be director of shield, knowing she was about to have a life that she loved. she has children, a family. 

it doesn’t feel like the steve rogers i know to take that away from her

but at the same time, i understand that sometimes, he should get to be a little selfish. he was selfish when it came to protecting bucky over all else, and it ended with mixed results.

i loved the final scene, of he and peggy dancing and kissing, but i think i would’ve loved that scene just as much, if not more, if it had happened in the afterlife. with an about time from peggy.

on the same subject: bucky and sam.

i’m super happy with sam being the next captain america (does this mean we’ve been lied to about the whole falcon and winter soldier tv show? is it actually a captain america and winter soldier show?)

i think bucky knew what steve’s plans were, though it would’ve been nice to have some on-screen confirmation. i think that’s why he seemed relieved that steve was sitting on the bench; he knew what steve was going to do and was glad he’d lived long enough to pass the torch once and for all

HOWEVER, the time anomalies i mentioned:

peggy carter’s established timeline is broken

does sharon carter exist? if yes, does this timeline’s steve rogers still make out with her

if steve goes into the past, the steve that he already was and his whole existence in the 21st century will still happen. that means he’ll look for peggy. that means he’ll find her. with him. in the future/present. steve is therefore made aware of the future - would that then effect how he acts with civil war/infinity war etc? would that then erase the events that happened, limiting steve from going back?

does he tell anyone that hydra is in shield

does he get bucky the fuck out of hydra or does he let his best friend be tortured for 70 years

i think bucky should’ve been a part of the sam/captain america torch conversation. if only because steve’s narrative has focused around bucky since 2011 and it ends with a don’t do anything stupid while i’m gone / you’re taking all the stupid with you - that’s not a satisfactory ending lads

much of me thinks steve and tony’s outcomes should’ve been switched. tony wants a quiet life, steve has said many times that he can’t imagine giving up the fight, living as a civilian in obscurity. i think it’s a cruel way to end it.

plus steve is ALWAYS the one making speeches about sacrifice, but he’s never the one to actually make the sacrifice. it’s always tony.

i’m happy for steve, i am.

i think i’d just be happier if morgan could grow up with her father and if pepper wasn’t a single parent and peter didn’t have to navigate the rest of his life - super powered and not - alone

side note, far from home taking place a week after endgame: nick fury wasted no fucking time jumping on spiderman. like, tony absolutely protected him from fury before infinity war, and the dude’s barely buried and fury’s making his move on peter - not cool

anyway, i genuinely did enjoy the film. i find it incredibly difficult to believe this was shot immediately after infinity war because the tone is so different, and i was remembering all those photos we had from reshoots and realised none of those scenes made it in the final cut. 

it was a good film. probably the most emotionally mature of the mcu. not my favourite. i’m angry about the ending. nebula should’ve killed thanos at least once. cool that gamora’s back. sad about nat. devastated about tony. happy for steve on the surface, until i spend 2 seconds looking deeper. loki’s probably alive because the timeline changed and they replaced the tesseract in 1970, not 2012, so officially, loki never goes to asgard jail anymore

but for real: how does steve replace the tesseract in the past when it’s now the space stone? how does he get that past anyone at all?

edit: I SOMEHOW forgot about rescue, the moment i’ve been waiting for for a decade

i love her, i love the suit, i love the pepper was incredibly badass with it with zero hesitation. i wish someone had said the name rescue like i wish someone had said captain marvel - but no dice. it’s such a rad suit and seeing her and tony fight side by side was so cool

edit 2 bc im a dumbass: CLINT MY ARROW BOY I LOVE YOU, YOU GOT ALL THE SCREENTIME U FUCKIN DESERVED

#endgame spoilers #avengers spoilers #avengers endgame #marvel #mcu #bethany talks

[interestsofabookwormbitch]

Crushes

No need to read this. I've just had crushes on the mind lately and wanted to organize my own out in a space where I'll be able to find it without worry of my family doing so. If you want to you can though. Be a little informative of me I suppose

Ok, let's start with saying I had no crushes in elementary school. Made me feel weird, but this isn't about that, this is purely about actual crushes, not lack thereof. Also like, celebs don't count

Crush #1: Gr.6. I don't remember a lot, I just remember seeing this boy, and it felt so different from any other boy I'd seen. I obviously realized it was a crush, and honestly? I was so happy. I felt like there was something wrong with me before for not having crushes (not that there is anything wrong with not getting crushes, but to my young mind I thought I was weird. I wasn't educated enough to a) know that tons of people don't get crushes until their tweens, and b) that a lot of people just never get crushes, and there's nothing wrong with that. And I can get into a whole topic right here, but keeping this about crushes). Never talked to the kid though, and got over him by the next year.

Crush #2: Gr. 7. This was a kid in my class who I did frequently interact with. My friend and him had this sort of joke war going on, so obviously I was pulled into it, which I enjoyed. He was a fun kid, and I can remember exactly when I got the crush. I pulled his hair (this joke war did involve physical altercations. Nothing that actually bad, but still). It was soft. I had a crush on him until my next crush started, So summer after gr.8. Sadly he died in a car accident in our grade 12 year. By that point I'd barely talked to him anymore, but it still sucked, and sucks. Sometimes it feels unreal, because like, he was a genuinely happy person, that brought a lot of joy with him. I may not of had a crush anymore, or talked to him, but it was sad.

Crush #3: summer after gr.8. First wrestler crush. This one, realistic, lasted through gr.10 I want to say. It also had a couple flare ups after for like a day or two, and a couple times where I didn't care during those years. I don't know. It was weird. Realised (not got) the crush from having to sit next to him on a bus to Idaho. He's a year older than me, and I can talk with him fine now, but definitely not before. Didn't help he was always with a group of guys. He's nice though.

Crush #4: Gr.9. This one I struggled with a while. It was my first crush on a girl. I could not accept that for the longest time. I didn't care if anyone was into the same gender, but I couldn't be into the same gender, you know? We had math together, and it didn't help that we were sat beside each other for a while. I loved it, don't get me wrong, but it made it even harder for me to ignore my feelings, and instead I tried to say I just really wanted to be friends. I was super disappointed when the seating was changed, even if I was put with my friend, I'd rather sit with her. Lol. Honestly, Tumblr is what helped the most in accepting myself, and that these feelings were indeed a crush. All the positivity for the LGBTQ community made it feel ok. (Now I have other struggles, but that's different). I don't know when I got over her, I was too busy ignoring the feelings to notice when they were gone, but I did before gr.12

Crush #5: Gr.11. This one is honestly the closest I've ever gotten to dating, which is sad since we interacted a whole of three tournaments. Still, pretty sure there was flirting on both sides, and he was the first person to ever imply that I was pretty, in that context. If he wasn't a year older and graduated that year, who knows? We talked a lot after the first time though. Well, whenever we seen each other in person. I'm even worse at talking through message, so we didn't end up keeping in touch. But yeah, I just accidently started talking to him too, and we talked about such a variety of topics I can't even remember. He's probably my purest crush tbh. He was also into Green Day.

Crush #6: freshman in uni. This one I technically should put after the next one, but like, oh well. This one has less to write about. So this one is another girl. She was in my English class, and pretty fun to talk to whenever we did. Also a year older. She's a soccer player, so obviously she's great, since woman soccer players tend to be👌 lol. Not much to say though, since I still like her, just not as much as the next crush. When I'm with her though it's a whole different story. And I've definitely daydreamed about kissing her, which is not usual for me. I don't think we'll see much of each other anymore though, so the crush will probably fade, like most do.

Crush #7: freshman in uni...probably? Ok this is the one I've been gushing about lately. I'm kind of confused on when this started tbh. Like did it start at the summer camp when I first seen him and kept staring at him whenever I could because there was something about his face (he looked very vaguely like Pete Wentz.)? Was it when school started and I realized he was gonna be on my team? Honestly, probably right off the bat if I'm being honest, but I didn't want another crush, so I denied it. Even when I literally could not go up and sit with him when we were the only wrestlers at this thing and I had to wait for Stephanie to come and bring us together. Being nervous like that is normal, but being nervous but still really wanting to go over means crush. Eventually I realized when my reaction to seeing him anywhere really was just hard to ignore. Ok so this one is the only one I actually keep track of on Tumblr (he has his own tag, which really, duh, obviously I liked him). And also the only one I've completely pictured in more....erotic scenes. I don't mean to, but like, there's this one picture with a little bit of stomach showing (just a sliver) and it makes me picture some smutty shit. Also, and I feel like a fucking fool for this, but the feelings of crushing overpowered me, and (I can't fucking believe it) I wrote a fucking poem. Fuck me for that cringe. But yeah. This one will unfortunately last awhile.

There were a couple of people I could have probably counted, but they barely lasted long enough to register for me, so they just don't count. 2 guys and 1 girl.

Also, this list makes it pretty obvious that I definitely lean towards men in my bisexuality. If I do add the other 3 that'd make 70% of people I crush on male, and 30% female. Which is valid, but sometimes it makes me worry about if it's "gay" enough.

Also just looking at the actual list

#1 blonde

#2 blonde

#3 he's actually a brown guy, so black hair

#4 blonde (Also cute dimples)

#5 blonde

#6 brunette (First Nations)

#7 blonde

I think I may have just discovered I have a thing for blondes.

#crush post

[createdtogetbored]

Riverdale 3 × 12

Kevin and Moose

The actor who plays Moose is so hot i don’t make the rules

Okay a theory keep in mind i’m at minute 5:28: Cheryl is gonna be the chaotic bitch we all love to hate and Moose is gonna get sent in somewhere

(Well i was close lol)

I LOVED CHERYL AND KEVIN’S CONVERSATION

AAAAND SHE FUCKS IT UP YEP

OMG KEVIN ILY PLEASE BE HAPPY

Brokeback Riverdale fuckxkskks 😂

I hate ultimatums in relationships but Kevin is right. He gave him some time but it’s his right to be happy with is boyfriend to anyone’s to see buy also Moose has a right to be not ready as well. It’s not like they are in their 40’s he has time. Idk they both deserve everything good in this world why are gays have it so hard???

Cheryl and Moose conversation was also sooo much fun

Ew why do they have white boxers on you are 16 guys not 60

I still don’t know why Moose can’t stay????

WHYYYYY???

Tom and Sierra

I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THE BREAKFAST SCENE

Kevin and Josie are amazing as siblings

And Tom and Sierra are amazing and he fact that Sierra thinks Moose’s dad jealous because of her is fucking adorable

OMG THEY ARE SO CUTE I-

THEY ARE THE BEST PARENT COUPLE FIGHT ME

Who is Falice? I don’t know her

Cheryl and Toni

That scene in the bed is so organic bughead could neverrrr

Cheryl with Toni’s shirt killed me

And i love how they both passed the test with a good score ✨

Idk how they do it with you know what is going on i can’t even do shit and i have nothing else to do

Cheryl is amazing talking about gay rights with killer face on such an aesthetic

She said openly lesbian kids you can stop arguing now

“Cheryl get some perspective!” Ahhhh i love her

That fight was amazing and they progressed so much in my eyes

“Fifty shades of blackmail” whoever is writing Cheryl needs to slow down on crack. Seriously

Omg the whole college is literally ruled by a homophobic dominatrix Blossom

Cheryl really knows how to redeem herself

Josie and Archie

My day was made when Archie entered the room to talk to Josie 🥰

Archie is lowkey jealous of SweetPea

Archie’s being a supportive boyfriend is really is too much for my heart

I relate to Josie in this episode so much it’s fucking unreal

That duet made my day omg how cuuute

Dammnn that escalated quickly

“Can i kiss you?” Only Archie can say that and it would work.

They really have chemistry huh? Love that kiss!!!! They are fresh air honestly

Josie and SweetPea

“Booty call?”“It wouldn’t be the first since our summer fling has ended”

This is not how people talk?

It’s like the writers are aware how inconsistent they have been and they are trying to tell what happened between them in a sentence THAT THE CHARACTERS SAY TO EACH OTHER

AND I’M FUCKING PISSED THEY STILL ARE LIVING IN A TRAILER

SweetPea is out there being the dream man everyone want to be with.

Reggie and Veronica

Fellow Jeronica shippers don’t sue me but Veggie is such ride or die kinda couple and i’m living for it

They are twinning and shittt aAaaAAAAaaaaa love it

Hermione is sooooo good as a villain LOVE HER

This whole Bonnie and Clyde is happening huh? Yayayayayay

ADDRESS REGGIE’S ABUSIVE PARENT YOU COWARDS!!!!! It’s not like this casual thing that every parent does, that’s how he talks about it

“Just please don’t scratch my car.” I’M DEAD

THEY ARE SO CUTE AND HOT AT THE SAME TIME HELP

VERONICA LOVES TO DRESS UP FOR CRIMINAL EVENTS OMG

The scene where Reggie was shot is weirdly so funny to me idk

“Now i can say i’ve been shot” omg me

Whole kneecap thing is amazing

“Not Bella” 😂

They didn’t even show Veronica throwing Reggie in the bed wtf

Jeronica bits lol

Gladys Jones is eyeing Veronica and i’m here for it

I died when she said Veronica Lodge

Veronica is keeping Gladys’s secret, Jugehad is keeping Hermione’s secret.

Coincidence? I think the fuck not

The plot??

When they returned to table from the core four to Josie and Kevin i was like hell yeahhh

I TOLD YOU THEY ARE MULTIPLE GARGOYLE KINGS

Even though we don’t have Jeronica i’m so happy with the couples we have know i mean idc about Betty and Jughead so they don’t count lol

I know everyone if talking about this but they really are having sex at the same time smh

OMG WHY THE FUCK A 16 YEAR OLD GIRL IS ALLOWED TO USE ARROWS AT POLICE STUFF

After everyone’s dad being a criminal it was Moose’s turn

Jones family is so cute but there is gonna be some tea since they are staying

EVERY EPISODE OF RIVERDALE SHOULD BE LIKE THIS

#riverdale #jeronica #veggie #veronica lodge #reggie mantle #cheryl blossom #toni topaz #kevin keller #moose mason #josie mccoy #archie andrews #archoise #kevin × moose #tom keller #sierre mccoy

[thecinephale]

Redefining Romance with The Shape of Water and On Body and Soul

By the time Katharine and I met in November of 2015 I didn’t care about romance. This word that had consumed me since I was a child no longer made any sense. My celibate adolescence was spent scribbling love poems and consuming movies like (500) Days of Summer, Beginners, and Annie Hall. But I’d since realized my poetry sucked and that Woody Allen’s body of work was nothing to admire. I was casually sleeping with a close friend and grappling with the absence of a core part of my identity. Ever since I was four and told my sister’s best friend I had a crush on her, liking girls and turning that like into a personal narrative was part of me. It was my way of being close to women and how I’d come to terms with what kind of man I could be. I wasn’t effeminate, I was sensitive. I wasn’t girly, I was romantic. 

And yet after years of crafting yarns from ordinary, or even non-existent, experiences, I was about to have my first truly cinematic meet-cute. Katharine and I met at Sleep No More during her very first performance. A friend of mine who worked there had been trying to get me to go for nearly a year and finally this night, for some reason, I caved. During the show I had four one-on-ones, immersive show lingo for private moments with performers, and I was more than satisfied with my experience. The show was just about over when I saw her, sitting on a suitcase at the end of an empty hall. Unsure if she was a performer or a tired audience member I slowly crept toward her. She stood up, took my hand, and we had a one-on-one. Later at the bar, my friend introduced us and we spent the rest of the night talking. A week later we were on a train together headed upstate.

This story is romantic in every way I could’ve hoped for as a teenager. And yet what I remember most from these weeks is the joy I felt getting to know Katharine. I was honestly a bit embarrassed having met her at Sleep No More since that place thrives off of people’s sometimes toxic fantasies. Especially because none of it felt that grand. I didn’t even think our first conversation could possibly be romantic until my friend asked me why I didn’t get her number. Our first date was upstate because she mentioned wanting to get out of the city before it got too cold and it seemed like a good idea. I didn’t know that she was the one. It was a date. I’d been on many first dates and planned to go on more. And while I did like her, I wasn’t obsessive. I liked her more on our second date than our first, and on our third date than our second, and today I’m more obsessed with her than I’ve ever been before.

There is a really simple explanation for this. Something about maturity and real, adult relationships. But this alone assumes that what I’d grown out of was romance, when in fact what I was really grappling with was male, heteronormative romance. I’d confronted the behaviors I’d copied for so long and realized they didn’t fit with who I was. But now what? A year and a half after Katharine and I met I came out to her and began transitioning.

***

It’s been a relief coming out, like I was holding my breath my entire life and can finally inhale and exhale like everyone else. So much of my life makes sense now in a way that it never did and I never thought it would. And one of the most rewarding aspects of my personal transition has been transitioning Katharine and I’s relationship as well, going from a seemingly heterosexual relationship to an openly lesbian one. There’s both liberation and emptiness in a relationship that is free from the vast majority of messaging received. Everything from fairy tales to Cosmo to the oeuvre of a known child molester has a lot less power when none of that stuff was ever meant to represent you. But there’s a reason why people enjoy that stuff. It feels good to be seen and it’s a relief to sink into fantasy. And while I’ve embraced the general umbrella by binge watching The L Word with Katharine and finally understanding my deep connection to Fun Home, Carol, and The Watermelon Woman, there’s still a searching for a love story like ours. A love story that feels outside of normalcy, that feels confusing and difficult and complicated yet ultimately just as fantastical and lovely. And it can’t just be solved by, say, a trans love story. I’d certainly welcome more of those (for now shout out to Sense8 and Her Story), but it’s deeper than that.

***

Guillermo Del Toro’s The Shape of Water is a ridiculous movie. That it’s currently the Oscar frontrunner is honestly astounding. Yes, it’s impeccably shot, designed, scored, written, and acted, but it’s also a movie that I’m at a loss to defend. On his podcast Keep It wonderful culture writer Ira Madison III was making fun of the movie and impersonated Octavia Spencer’s character with a simple “You fucking that fish?” I burst out laughing. Because it’s hilarious and because the scene in the movie isn’t actually that far off! 

For anyone who hasn’t seen it, the film is about a mute woman named Eliza (the always great Sally Hawkins) who works as a cleaner at a government facility during the Cold War. The US attains a creature simply called “Amphibian Man” and Eliza falls in love with him (them?). So it’s sort of like Beauty and the Beast if Beast never really spoke, there was explicit sex, and Belle had a black best friend and a gay neighbor. There’s also a subplot with some Russians. And a musical number.

It’s goofy as hell and yet I spent a large portion of the movie in tears. It reached its scaly arm down my throat and grabbed my heart. Any moment where the Amphibian Man was on screen I had a voice in my head that just kept repeating, “That’s me. That’s me.” Now I don’t know what it says about where I’m at in my transition that I have an easier time relating to a fish man than Jamie Clayton’s awesome trans hacker on Sense8, but alas it’s the truth. Because if I’m being honest, I usually don’t feel like I’m being perceived as a woman, I rarely even feel like I’m being perceived as trans, but I do feel like I’m being perceived as a creature.

Watching Eliza not only fall in love with Amphibian Man but be the instigator of the relationship felt revolutionary and comforting in equal measure. Returning to Beauty and the Beast (also King Kong, also everything like this), it’s usually the creature that kidnaps or captures the virginal lady and has to convince her to love him. This always feels a little gross and undercuts the message of acceptance. But here Eliza is a sexual woman. From the beginning it’s shown that masturbation is a part of her daily routine. She doesn’t fall for the Amphibian Man because of a repressed desire. She falls for the creature because she feels a connection. She wants to help them live a life of freedom alongside her. She wants to teach the Amphibian Man how to live in her world because it would bring her happiness. 

Katharine didn’t rescue me from a lab. But she has helped me escape… something. She has helped introduce me to a confusing world of feminine expectations and desires that feel comfortable and natural and also confusing and impossible. And above all else she has done this because she loves me. She isn’t still dating me because she’s a good person (no matter what other cis-es like to suggest). She’s still dating me because she sees me for who I am and loves me. I’m insecure about a lot of things, but I know this to be true and it means everything to me.

***

Ildikó Enyedi’s On Body and Soul, another Oscar nominee (a longshot in the Foreign Film category) has faced a similar reaction to Del Toro’s film. It won the Golden Bear at the Berlin Film Festival, yet almost every review even when positive points out the film’s silly weirdness. Also a love story, this time between two humans, Enyedi’s first film in 18 years is about a pair of employees at a slaughterhouse who realize that they’re somehow having the exact same dream about two deer. The people are Endre, the emotionally detached manager with a disabled left arm, and Mária, the new quality control inspector who is autistic and quickly becomes the butt of her coworkers’ jokes.

Again, I understand the reaction. The very concept of a love story at a slaughterhouse (featuring graphic scenes of slaughter) is already a stretch. Add the hokiness of nocturnal destiny, a subplot involving stolen bull Viagra, some deeply unpleasant narrative turns, and a formal approach as reserved as its leads, it’s unsurprising that many don’t know how to receive this film. It’s too open-hearted for the arthouse yet it’s not exactly fine-tuned for Nicholas Sparks. But for me, this film lived up to its title and infiltrated my body and soul, I connected deeply, and wept softly. And I’ve been unable to shake it, that initial feeling only growing since the first viewing.

There is an obvious contrast between the dream sequences with Endre and Mária as deer and the real life sequences of animals in cages having their guts torn out. It’s easy to read this simply as a statement between the purity of their love and the harshness of the rest of the world. But this ignores the unreality of the deer scenes and the specificity of animal imagery. Because a main thread through the film is that Mária and Endre don’t know how to be animals. Or in other words: Endre does not know how to be a man and Mária does not know how to be a woman.

The two male foils to Endre are his best friend, Jenö, and a new hire, Sanyi. Jenö is married and despite proselytizing the merits of keeping women in their place he does whatever his wife wants. Endre watches with the remove of a scientist as Jenö carries out a charade where he is able to assert his supposed masculinity while filling his more passive role. Sanyi, on the other hand, is naturally alpha, flirting with every female co-worker and ignoring his male superiors. Endre seems to pity Jenö and resent Sanyi, but it quickly becomes clear that who he has the most disgust for is himself. He grows wildly defensive when he is caught ogling a woman, insisting that he simply looked like all men would. The woman didn’t even seem to notice and doesn’t seem to care. He then declares multiple times later in the film that he would prefer to remove love and sex from his life rather than deal with the impossibility of filling the role of “man” in these encounters. He’s given up on it all until he meets Mária.

Mária also has two foils, Klára, a voluptuous psychologist who interviews everyone after the bull Viagra incident, and Zsóka, the oldest employee at the slaughterhouse. Klára is everything Mária is not. She’s comfortable in her body and comfortable around men. She expresses her feelings, sometimes even to the point of aggression. When Mária retells Endre’s dream, she is unable to push back against Klára’s anger or defend herself. Zsóka, who is even more comfortable with her sexuality than Klára, is much kinder to Mária. Instead of judging, she attempts to coach her in the ways of womanhood. This, of course, means posture, how to walk and talk, and, most importantly, what clothes to wear. Mária attempts to master these skills, like she does later with sex, with an obsessive precision.

Mária’s experience of gender is intrinsically tied to her autism. Her lack of awareness in how to act as a woman is similar to her struggle to generally fit in as a person. I’m hesitant to find symbolism in her character or draw parallels between our lives since her experience is so different from my own. But in my unqualified opinion the film treats Mária with a respect and fullness that leaves her as open to analysis and connection as any other character. It’s not autism that becomes ingrained in the semiotics of the film but rather the world around this one autistic character, the world around Mária. And I couldn’t help but feel parallels both to Endre’s attempts at manhood and Mária’s learning of womanhood. I couldn’t help but watch this relationship unfolding in a harsh world and think of my own. Mária and Endre’s budding romance faces plenty of conflict throughout the film but there’s an overwhelming feeling of destiny between them. The conflicts are not a result of their incongruity but rather the difficulties and pressures of their surroundings. Any conflicts within themselves are related to their individual difficulties with the world at large.

The dream sequences aren’t just beautiful and serene. They are otherworldly. Literally. The plane on which Mária and Endre connect is outside of real life. Their connection is dependent on both of them finding it within themselves to detach from their discomfort with society. In their dreams it is easy, but in life that’s really hard. Because it’s not healthy to completely detach (as fun as rainy days cuddling can be). The necessity is being able to carry on normal life with your partner and face a mutual unbelonging from our world. From our ableist world. From our gendered world. From our heteronormative world. From our transphobic world.

My connection to this film is reliant both on its silly romanticism and its severe honesty. Because that’s how I feel. Being with Katharine feels like it’s on another plane of being, in how I feel about her, in how happy it makes me to be near her, and yet real life can be really hard. This film shows the beauty in getting through that hardship with another person, the pressures it can place on a relationship, and the ultimate reward of working through it all together.

***

The Shape of Water and On Body and Soul have allowed me to articulate something about myself and my relationship that I’d previously failed to do. They taught me that romance, not just love but gooey-eyed, goofy capital R Romance, can be for all of us. That romantic doesn’t have to mean arrogant poems or chasing after girls in the rain. It can mean connecting with somebody when you feel less than human, it can mean facing a society that doesn’t want you with the help of another. And, most importantly, that this can all be silly and over-the-top in a way that will make half the audience laugh and half the audience cry. These films destroyed a line between romance and mature relationship that I’d taken as fact even though my own relationship is such an obvious combination of the two. They allowed me to see myself in a new way, to see Katharine in a new way, and to appreciate our relationship even more than I already did. 

So I’ll say it here. On social media, like an adolescent that will someday regret such an embarrassing overshare. I’m deeply, madly, overwhelmingly in love.

Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all.

#Valentine's Day #The Shape of Water #On Body and Soul #love stories #queer love #Guillermo Del Toro #Ildikó Enyedi #LGBTQIA #trans #transgender

[canonicallyanxious]

hey Sarah tell me about the movie Esteros and why you loved it so much because I still have a lot of feelings about it and you're much better at talking about stuff than me

wow tbh i don’t even know if i can put why i love this movie so much into coherent words but i guess i’M GONNA TRY NOW

[this will be in bullets because i don’t have the headspace for a proper essay now sorry]

okay i’m gonna get the most obvious one out of the way first - CHILDHOOD BEST FRIENDS TO LOVERS WITH AN ANGSTY GAP IN THE MIDDLE WHERE ONE OF THEM MOVES AWAY AND THEY RECONNECT YEARS LATER WHEN THEY’RE ADULTS AND IT’S SLOW BURN AS FUCK EVEN THOUGH IT’S ONLY AN HOUR AND A HALF LONG LITERALLY WHAT MORE COULD I ASK FOR

one thing i really like about this movie is the way the sexualities of the characters are dealt with. like, Jero is explicitly and openly gay, which is really nice!! like it’s not just like something that’s tacked onto his character, he talks about boys, people ask him if he has a boyfriend, there’s one part where he literally says that he’s “being gay”. and there’s maybe a little bit of heteronormativity but not a lot of homophobia, like no one makes fun of them as kids for being so close, their parents don’t try to drive them apart, and imo Mattias doesn’t really display a lot of internalized homophobia driven angst over his feelings for Jero. I mean there’s a little in the scene where he’s talking about girls with the other boys, and his interactions with his girlfriend, but to me those struck me less as internalized homophobia and more resulting from other conflicts in his life - in the former example, the fact that he has to move away; in the second, dissatisfaction with his lot in life, as well as relationship problems with his girlfriend that have nothing to do with his sexuality. so their story is pretty much entirely focused on them coming to terms with their feelings for each other, and getting to the point where a long lasting romantic relationship is possible for them, which i thought was really lovely.

Somewhat related - Jero’s rainbow bracelet [HE’S SUCH A DARLING]

I like the cinematography of the movie, how slow moving the shots are, and i think this is at least part of how it manages to feel so slow burn despite being such a short film. i like that you have to wait to get the full context of the scene, like the camera purposefully leaves things off frame for a few moments before lazily panning over to the other important part of the shot; i think it’s a really beautiful, lovely way of shaping the tone of this film

i also love those moments where everything freezes and slows down, or goes quiet and hazy, especially in the opening scene of the movie and the dancing scene in the middle of it [Y’ALL KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.], like idk they’re just so so beautifully done, it’s so atmospheric??

the chemistry between the main characters is seriously unreal!! like, you could literally feel the tension in their very first scene together, after just a handful of seconds, and all they did was LOOK at each other. JESUS CHRIST

now i know this point isn’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea, but i personally really love how character and relationship driven the movie is. objectively speaking, plot wise, not a lot happens, but there’s SO MUCH going on in terms of how the characters grow, both apart and together. it’s pretty rare to find a movie like that i think, especially one that pulls it off this well!

and objectively speaking, again, the dialogue isn’t anything stunningly special, but to me it does feel incredibly real. and there are moments that really took my breath away - like when Mattias asked Jero about his first time, or when he asked if he wondered what things would be like if he hadn’t moved away. again it’s all about those moments between these characters, moments that from the outside probably don’t seem all that significant but to both people involved feel so incredibly huge.

the visual parallels! kill! my entire!! ass!!!!

there’s so much more that i could say but i’ve already written way too much so just know that i will love this movie until i die probably

thanks for the q friend

honesty hour or some shit

#call this a mask #answers

[guardiandae]

You know you are an adult when you get excited about buying a vaccuum cleaner... lmao. 

but in my defense, the vacuums today, even the cheap ones, are so much cooler than the shitty ones back in the day. also I would like my floor to finally be clean and my mom keeps going, “vacuums are so expensive” bitch I just spent $20 on a vaccuum it’s not hard.

ANYWAY here’s my life update:

got my hair cut, finally. It looks so much better now. no more staring at crazy split ends all day.

I found a quiz site, WHOOPS, and I’ve been quizzing myself for like a week now on African countries and now island countries because I realized I don’t know them. I don’t think they’re all sticking but my brain has been going, MOZAMBIQUE. DJIBOUTI. every day. So I now know recall MORE countries than I used to. It fuels my obsession for puzzle games + I’m learning, so. This is a step up from mind-numbing griddlers, at least.

I’m also reading A Song of Ice and Fire... it’s stupid how, for the longest time I was super intimidated by the idea of getting into these books, knowing how thick they are, how many there are in the series, and how many CHARACTERS there are to follow. I remember when I first started watching the show, I was super overwhelmed by the characters being introduced. Particularly when the Red Woman came onto the scene I was like, “The fuck is happening now??” And maybe watching the show first helped a lot with that, but like, I was really suspicious when I first cracked open a book and was like... “Is this the novel or just a screenplay???” I remember having to read so many books that were written with excruciatingly BORING detail, or such lovingly rendered descriptions of background scenery or pure daydreams that had nothing to do with the plot, that I’d get totally bogged down in the purple prose and lose track of what the hell was going on. That’s one of my biggest pet peeves of writing to this very day. But GRRM doesn’t do that, not even remotely. I thought that my writing was really simple, but GRRM’s might be even more spartan. But that only makes sense to keep it succinct and move along quickly when he’s laying out this whole huge world with several kingdoms and houses that all have their own unique cultures and beliefs and at least a dozen different major characters whose stories need to be told. I’m totally enchanted. and the FORESHADOWING, HOLY FUCK. The foreshadowing is intense, I’m kind of glad in a way that I already know what’s to come because it’s literally like the way I wrote Distance, where after you know the ending, there are so many things that take on a different light that I would’ve never even noticed, seriously. I posted them on twitter but I should maybe make posts here because AAAAGGGGGGHHH!!!!

I’m also starting to read up on beekeeping... I’ve been interested in it for a while mostly in the sense that I appreciate beekeeping (see beekeeper mumen for example) but the spring seeds came in and I was like, I want bee-friendly flowers, and then that led to, WHAT IF I BEES? and I’m the sort of person that... I had to RESTRAIN MYSELF from buying a beekeeping starting kit (BECAUSE I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT TO DO WITH 3LBS OF LIVE BEES.. @MYSELF: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE BUY BEES ONLINE JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN) and yeah like so anyway now I’m reading about bees and even if I decide it’s not for me (tbh I’d probably be like, “YEAH BEES” until I got to the point of trying to set up an actual fucking hive of bees and then scream and run away because BEES? and also bc I’m an idiot that thinks everything sounds awesome in theory until real life happens. BUT WHO KNOWS MAYBE I’D LIKE IT???) but anyway EVEN IF I DECIDE AGAINST THE IDEA at least I’ll have learned some stuff?

oh yeah btw I slammed the button and ordered that pricey fitbit fitness tracking watch and I really like it. I’m kind of gradually easing into more and more fitness? which feels like a “I’m being lazy” thing but honestly maybe that’s a better approach, to build up habits over time instead of overloading myself with extreme changes and then going “nope”? Basically I’ve been learning that exercise can be hella fun, experimenting with different exercises that I like and also experimenting with healthier foods to bring into my diet. btw if anyone told me a few years ago that today I’d be buying almond milk, coconut oil, organic food, and yelling, “HOW MANY CALORIES?! FUCK THAT” in the middle of the grocery store at my ex-favorite foods, I probably would’ve decked them.

alsooooo so I can’t remember if I posted about this but I know I told a few people that I studied the gay aesthetic™ hard and took notes (I wish I was fucking kidding, I literally gotta study this shit I don’t understand social things and fashions) and decided to expand my wardrobe accordingly. I’m feeling out what works and does not, and today I was FEELING IT when I got myself in the mirror. it’s that men’s pocket undershirt, I fucking swear, and I have had that all along but I never wore them by themselves I always wore them to work under my stupid work uniform. WELL NOW I’VE SEEN THE LIGHT. plus my ace ring and bracelets were good choices. today I bought better shoes as well, and dodged a bullet because like... ugh I have the worst instincts and at first I almost got these tall zippered ladies boots that were on sale like... yes they were a squeeze but??? but I was like... I think they make my legs look stubby plus the store was closing so I was like, TOO INDECISIVE FOR THIS. I ended up getting a pair of skateboard shoes on clearance and also some nice looking men’s boots instead and it cost me the same it would’ve for that one pair of boots plus get this while I was leaving the store I saw this Incredibly Straight Woman walking in with the tall zippered boots and I was like, THANK GOD I DIDN’T and then I saw ANOTHER Incredibly Straight Woman with the same boots and I was like TODAY I HAVE BEEN SPARED A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH. Like yeah gay girls can pull that off too yes but 1. not me. I’d have to get skinny jeans or leggings for that look and it’s so not me I can’t, I don’t know why the fuck I tried to go down that path 2. those tall boots weren’t even the original Aesthetic™ that I had studied for, like, I suck so bad, someone dress me bc I make bad life choices. 

but yeah, I bought two new pairs of shoes, I bought a grey shirt bc I observed that the holy grail of casual gay girls was just a plain grey shirt (much like the unrealized glory of my pocket shirts... but grey guys... I love grey...) I hope it’s a good choice tho bc you know, some cuts look great and some are like... the fuck. a VACUUM CLEANER?? ADULTING WIN?? some nice FOOD STUFFS???? lettuce-y things, even????

so now I need to do some things that I’ve been putting off..

-do my taxes (I’ve been raring to but my internet was too slow..) -pay rent -call my bank -find a local doctor -book an eye appointment -schedule a permit test -clean my fucking maybe?? that;’d be nice??? 

-maybe part with some of these clothes that just give me bad memories now... I still have so much stuff from high school and stuff that I don’t wear and stuff that I’m like ‘will I ever fit into this again’ and it’s like... like seriously for YEARS  I did not buy myself a new WARDROBE I had like enough clothes that would fit and so many old ones like, I was punishing myself for gaining so much weight and seriously it didn’t help me at all it felt so much better to just go ahead and get clothes that fit me and half of my problem is I’m poor af so I’m like, ‘but I spent money on this’ and I don’t wanna throw it out but now I think I’ll be happy when I get rid of these big clothes when they, hopefully, no longer fit me in the near future, so like... I should just toss these old bad-memories-clothes and burn them, seriously... @ me I’m talking to you asshole, burn the rags. clean your room, clean our your wardrobe, and cleanse it with fire.

#life update #bc I feel like I've been quiet for a while #hint: it's bc 1 my internet was hella slow #and then 2. MOZAMBIQUE

[gleitzman]

B-boys on E

It's widely known that marijuana and hip hop are inextricably linked - just turn on the radio or take your pick of MCs becoming poster-boys of weed culture. However, there's a more obscure branch of rap references dating back to the early 90's that have another target in focus: ecstasy. In December of 2000, Simon Reynolds penned an article for the webzine of London-based record label Hyperdub, which now boasts artists such as DJ Rashad, Burial, and Martyn, about the rising trend of MDMA-related references in rap lyrics.

A comprehensive look into B-boys on E, I've republished the piece below alongside a playlist of every track mentioned in the article, including a few sub-2000's tracks that came to mind. Put down the blunt and pick up the pacifier.

Hip Hop and Ecstasy - Simon Reynolds

Magazine editors have a secret formula: "two things, that's just a coincidence--but three, that's a trend". Well, here's three pieces of evidence. On "Let's Get High" from his don't-call-this-a-comeback album The Chronic 2001, Dr. Dre declares " I just took some Ecstasy/Ain't no tellin what the side effects could be". In The Wire's Christmas issue, El-P of underground hip hop outfit Company Flow listed among his 1999 highlights trying Ecstasy "for the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth time". And gangsta rappers Bone Thugs-N-Harmony's latest album BTNH Resurrection contains the song "Ecstasy," inspired by the group's recent introduction to MDMA. The chorus features some of Bone Thugs private slang for the E sensation: "I feel so 'Z'/I feel so ziggety ziggety ziggety/Cause I'm floatin' in ecstasy.." Bizzy's so impressed with the "new shit" touted by their weed dealer that he even wishes Eazy E, Bone Thugs's deceased mentor, "was here to feel pillish, pillish, pillish, pillish."

Add to this reports of thugs and bitches buzzing on E at the Tunnel (New York's most hardcore and "street" rap club), MDMA references in tracks by Jay-Z, Eminem, DJ Quik, Nas, Three-6 Mafia, and Saafir, and persistent rumors about a certain rap mogul who's got a serious Ecstasy habit, and you've got more than a trend--you've got a phenomenon: Hip Hop America Gets Loved Up. It's happened as a knock-on effect of the astonishing surge in Ecstasy use in America over the last two years, itself triggered by a return to reliable, high-dose MDMA pills thanks to Mitshubishi and the brands that followed in its wake. The New York Times reported a 450 percent increase between 1998 and 1999 in Ecstasy seizures by police and customs (which usually roughly reflect the amount of Ecstasy on sale on the streets). The United States Custom Service is projecting a 1500 percent increase from 1999 to 2000! For the first time since it was legal in the early Eighties, MDMA is popular outside the rave scene, with college students and yuppies throwing E parties. And finally, the drug has made significant inroads into the rap community.

On the face of it, Ecstasy would not appear to be a B-boy drug. MDMA lowers one's emotional defences, promotes feelings of trust and tactile tenderness, defuses aggression. It basically creates the exact opposite mind-body-soul state to rap's paranoid and paramilitary ego, all threats and boasts and psychologically armored readiness for the outbreak of hostilities. It also seems really unlikely that your typical gangsta rapper would enjoy exploring Ecstasy's androgynizing effects--the way it makes men more able to express their emotions, be cuddly and affectionate, talk to women without sex as the primary goal, find it difficult to achieve an erection or have an orgasm. These swoony Ecstasy effects would probably be experienced as traumatic not pleasurable--threatening sensations of weakness, softness, E-masculation. Hip hop's ethos of "keeping it real," its concern with reflecting hardcore street realities of crime and incarceration, also conflicts with rave's Ecstasy-fuelled positivity and utopian hope. This dark-tinted realism was a common attitude in the early jungle scene, which was highly influenced by hip hop values. For many Black British junglists, Ecstasy was "false," a chemical haze of unreality that didn't resonate with their harsh experience of urban life.

Judging by the Ecstasy-inspired lyrics that have emerged from rap so far, though, even MDMA can't teach an old dogg new tricks. The sexual attitudes haven't improved one bit. Dr. Dre's lyric about just dropping an E goes straight into "All these fine bitches equal sex to me/plus I got this bad bitch layin' next to me". In "Ecstasy", Bone MC Flesh rhymes about "feelin’ hot and exotic with an arced cock/ I'm feelin' too sexy for my muthafuckin self/Gotta find my bitch and I’m gonna fuck her ass to death!". There are stories floating around about major ballers and shot-callers in the rap industry who throw parties at their mansions in the Hamptons (an expensive Long Island summer home area favored by Manhattan's wealthy and famous) where Ecstasy is primarily used to get the ladies "in the mood" for multiple-partner sex. As for the violence in rap lyrics, rhymes about guns and murda have not been replaced by spiritualized Ecstasy babble about P.L.U.R. (the American raver's mantra of "peace, love, unity and respect"). Unlike with Britain's reformed football hooligans during 1988's Summer of Love, we've yet to see the emergence of the "love thug" in hardcore hip hop. Perhaps the behavioral codes are too ingrained for rave's smiley-face to replace rap's "screwface"--the menacing scowl-sneer that signifies hip hop culture's taboo on showing your teeth.

Then again, it's early days yet, and Ecstasy is such a powerful drug that it's certain to have some affects on hip hop, both as a culture and as a music. Although jungle eventually adopted an anti-Ecstasy stance (favoring the "organic", herbal highs of marijuana over "chemicals"), as a form of music it could not have existed without its precursor genre, 1991-92 hardcore rave--whose sped up breakbeats and manic barrage of samples were basically "hip hop on E," rather than a mutant form of techno. Add Ecstasy to hip hop again, and the results could be as revolutionary as the emergence of jungle out of rave. Whether as a result of Ecstasy use or just an eerily prophetic prelude, there's been a flood of rap and R&B tracks that feature techno-like sounds and riffs over the last eighteen months: Ja Rule's "Holla Holla" with its snaking, writhing riff that sounds like nothing so much as a Roland 303 acid bassline; the staccato rave-style stabs in Destiny's Child's "Bugaboo," Ginuwine's "What's So Different," and Jay-Z's "Girls' Best Friend"; the house vamps and techno pulses in countless Cash Money tracks by Juvenile, B.G., Hot Boys and Lil Wayne, all produced by Mannie Fresh (who actually worked with Steve 'Silk' Hurley a decade ago).

Most recently Timbaland, who's talked about his fondness for electronica and groups like The Prodigy, has produced three tracks that positively drip with the influence of European Ecstasy culture, if not E itself. Aaliyah's smash hit "Try Again" rolls on a burbling Roland 303; the dirge-bass riff on Jay-Z's "Snoopy Track" makes it a rap "Dominator" or "Mentasm"; Nas featuring Ginuwine's "You Owe Me" has the slinky, lurching flow of 2-step garage. Indeed two-step ought to be the logical bridge between American "urban" (radio programmer code for black) music and house culture, since it is basically UK rave embracing and absorbing US R&B. 2-step garage is where the musical advances made during 10 years of collectively living at the cutting edge of rave's drug-technology interface ("caning it", in plain English slanguage) are now being folded back into the humanist, hypersexual pop sounds that ravers originally broke with to pursue manic sexless drug-noise (starting with acid house). As such 2-step could function for black Americans as a journey in the opposite direction, an acclimatisation phase before they get into Plastikman, Basement Jaxx, or The Mover. (Well, one can only dream, eh?). Actually, Armand Van Helden has been trying singlehandedly to be that demilitarized zone/interface between hip hop and house (he's obsessed with 1989 hip-house as this lost moment of possibility) but so far with zero impact in the US. His B-boy flirtations have even counted against him in the world of American deep house, where they don't want ruffnecks coming to the party (forgiveably, perhaps, given the rampant homophobia in hip hop). House music creeps in through the back door of Lil' Kim's new album The Notorious K.I.M., with tracks based on "French Kiss" by Lil Louis and "Break 4 Love' by Raze, and a pronounced Daft Punk-y flavor to "How Many Licks?"

Finally, OutKast's late 2000 release Stankovia is the first real hip hop example, overt and acknowledged by its creators, of a marked influence from rave music and Ecstasy. Big Boi and Andre 3000 go to raves in the Atlanta, Georgia area and even did field research in London clubs. They gave Stankonia faster b.p.m's than its easy-rolling predecessor Aquemini because "nowadays you got different drugs on the scene. X done hit the hood. It ain't chronic no more. They on some other speed-up type shit.... so that's why the tempo had to get a lot faster." The single "Bombs Over Baghdad" makes a botched if exciting stab at drum'n'bass (they're big fans of Photek) while "?" is a disorientating foray into the jungle: tangled breaks, chirruping synth-blurts, ravey riff-lets.

With the E'd up thugs and thuggettes reputedly drifting from the main floor of the Tunnel into the smaller house'n'techno room that it (god knows why) offers, it could be that the hip hop nation will turn onto electronic dance music big-time, finally ending rap's contempt for house music as mere gay disco. Sonically, the differences between the two forms of music have never been smaller---for instance, both techno and rap have been influenced recently by a revival of interest in Eighties electro. As for the drug's cultural impact.... Ecstasy's "loved up" vibe fits perfectly with hip hop's endless professions of loyalty for the crew, family, click, posse. E will only exaggerate this aspect of blood-brother solidarity and "thug love". But what about the hate side of rap's soul? Can Ecstasy lead to a truce in rap's symbolic warfare? Will "call-that-a-worldview?" couplets like "all I know is that bitches suck dick and niggas bleed" (The Lox) lose their appeal to hearts that no longer feel hard? What can be said safely is that Ecstasy had seemed like a drug that held no more surprises in terms of its cultural effects, given that the clubbing-and-raving industries efficiently channel the energy it catalyzes into tidy profits (eg Gatecrasher, whose slogan is "Market Leaders In Having-It Right Off Leisure Ware"--they might as well just put "Sponsored By Mitshubishi, Nudge Nudge Wink Wink" on the ads). But now that the drug has found its way to one of the few demographic and subcultural zones it had so far left untouched---African-American youth---it could be that Ecstasy has new tricks up its sleeves, new stories to tell, new revolutions to unfurl. (Just wait 'til it hits the dancehall community in Jamaica). Watch this space.....

#rap #drugs #ecstasy #music