#nothing i do is making me less bored

[toastsnaffler]

sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests... #theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man #it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing #eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED #and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself #by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others #it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless #ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!) #but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking #and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk #oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao #and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3 #voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries #that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them #and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long #+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc #and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it #to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍 #anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite #if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^) #.vent #.diaries

[andi-o-geyser]

just another day wasting away in margaritaville trying to figure out how the actual fuck the Grand Army of the Republic is organized. send assistance i am shaking sobbing crying in a corner

#no like. does anybody understand it please help me #i get how it’s divided #i even made an entire flow chart #but it’s the numbering i’m confused with cause none of it makes any fucking SENSE #and i don’t know know if i just don’t know how military battalions are numbered but this makes less than 0 sense even if i did know #because like. ok so for example: the 327th star corps is in the 2nd systems army. but how is that possible? why are they called the 327th? #because there are 10 systems armies; each with 2 sector armies; each with 4 corps #and if i know math (which i occasionally do) that means there are 80 corps in the entire GAR (4 for each of the 20 sector armies) #so then HOW #is there a corps in the 300s #and that’s not even the worst example #okay so we all know the 212th? our most beloved attack battalion of gold babes? #they’re in the 3rd systems army which means they should have the 5th and 6th sector armies (1st system army has 1+2 2nd systems has 3+4 etc #but then they have the 7th sky corps. and if there are 8 corps per systems army and they’re in the THIRD systems army #how do they have the 7th corps? and how are they only the 212th battalion? cause there’s 512 battalions in the first systems army ALONE! #so either it’s straight up wrong and their battalion number should be more like 1212 (in the thousands!) #or each sector/sustems army has their own numbering of battalionsthat goes from 1-512; and same for their corps? #so it would be like ‘we’re the 404th battalion of the 6th corps of the 4th systems army’? #but then that still contradicts the existence of actual corps like the 91st mobile recon corps and the 41st elite corps! #so are there two different systems of numbering it? do corps and legions and battalions all number and name their divisions differently? #i wrote so much i ran out of tags but serious am i just dumb or am i right and none of this makes sense #i spent literally 2 hours getting distracted by this conundrum today #after spending 4 hours last night understanding how the army is divided cause i was curious about what the numbering meant #LITTLE DID I KNOW I MEANT NEXT TO FUCKING NOTHING #this is what happens when i get bored smh #if anybody understands military structure and im legit just missing something PLEASE tell me i am so curious #star wars #the clone wars #andis thought geyser

[slippery-minghus]

hmm. had an actual conversation with nightmare coworker today that seemed mutually productive. she apologized for saying some bullshit that hurt my feelings and i clarified that my intentions are to help not to undermine her, and we both agreed that there's no competition against each other and that it's the lack of growth in our role that's the problem. it was...productive.

and further cementing for me that it is time to begin making my Exit. i will be sending out my resume to a few places this weekend.

i'm still processing the conversation, and am struggling to place myself in where i am responsible to better my behavior. because i genuinely don't want to be an ass, even though i really don't like this lady and will jump for joy the day i never have to see her again. she stated that she knows my intentions aren't to hurt her, and that she thinks i'm very kind. i apologized for if my behavior came off as undermining her, and said that my intentions are only to better my own growth—and that i know she's trying to succeed too. i validated her feelings, and complemented the effort she is putting in.

where i'm struggling with is: am i in the wrong/causing harm and needing to change if the issue is that her feelings are incongruent with what she knows of my intentions? her feelings are her responsibility (WOW i almost typed "her feelings are my responsibility". i feel like that's a freudian slip) and she states that she knows i don't mean to hurt her. i'm going to try to be more clear in wording my intentions with her (she feels like me trying to take work off her plate is to undermine her. when really, i'm caught up and see her getting overwhelmed, and i want to help and also have something to do since i'm bored).

but i'm really struggling to look at my role in this and pass judgement on myself. i can and want to do better, and i don't think i did anything wrong, but i'm always so hesitant to say it's not my fault or i didn't do something bad. like i can't trust my judgement on that. my intentions were good, her bad feelings are ones caused by her insecurities, which she more or less has expressed to be aware that they are not true—the hurtful thing she said to me, she acknowledged was said out of hurt and not what she actually thinks. so, is it fair to say i'm not the bad guy? i'm not in the wrong? i know good intentions that still result in harm don't absolve anyone, but when the things that are clashing are insufficient communication and reactive insecurities... i'm not a monster, am i?

#well. i AM probably a monster for how much i dislike this lady #but i don't ACT on it #and i genuinely couldn't care less about her. i participate in decent human pleasantries because i am a decent human. #and at work we're stuck together #the thing that's irked me so much about this conversation is just.. her self centeredness #that she thinks everyone is out to get her. to undermine her. whatever. #bitch nobody cares about you enough one way or the other to put in that kind of effort. i sure don't #i empathize but i do not sympathize. to feel that pit that makes you feel like the worst kind of center of attention #i get it. but genuinely you are not the main character and no one is going to spend their limited time and energy to slowly attack you #you are not the cat with all the knives pointed at it #it's a terrible feeling to feel like you are! but when it influences your behavior to the point that you are making snide comments #to people who have no option not to interact with you then uh. then you're in the wrong buddy #and the people around you (who cannot easily leave! bc work!) should not have to bend over backwards to assure you #that they're not pointing knives at you. to protect themselves from your feelings making you say mean shit #like yes. i can be more clear with my intentions. i'm generally not the greatest at that. but my baseline that i want to #modify my behavior from is NOT one that a regular well adjusted person would take as anything but kind #and if a regular well adjusted person got a little offput by me volunteering to take work off their hands we would've had a very chill #3 sentence conversation about it MONTHS AGO. #i understand and respect (even if i find it annoying and overbearing) the need for me to announce my intentions like im working in a kitchen #and saying 'hot water' or 'knife' as i move around other people but we shouldn't have reached this conclusion this way #and frankly who's to fucking say me being more clear with my intentions will only feed the flames of her thinking i'm out to get her! #'i caught up on my stuff and your plate looks full. i'm bored. anything i can do to help?' could be a pointed knife for all i know!! #and if it is- and my actions still hurt her in that scenario- am i still responsible for the hurt caused?? #like WHERE DOES IT FUCKING E N D ? #personal #*exhales* okay i feel better now #i just hate talking about my interactions with her bc i just want NOTHING to do with it. i want her out of my head!! #but until i process it i can't let go #and i'm still going to have to go over all of this with my shrink tomorrow #it just makes me mad how much of my time this bitch takes up. i'm not getting paid to think about work right now!!!!

[oglegoggle]

I feel like I want to go home but I don’t have one of those. I want to be near my best friend. I’m frightened by rampant and violent transphobia in our culture. I’m somewhere safe and secure but I feel vulnerable. I want to hide. I want to be left alone. I want to be near others. Everyone is so distracted and overwhelmed by life. I feel invisible. I want to be held.

#this is goggles #that’s the crux that never quite goes away #I want to be held so very much it’s like the thread my sanity hangs onto #I miss my habibi #but I also feel like I’m starting to get overwhelmingly needy #I feel like I need to be more aloof as not to be demanding and bothersome #I get more obsessed with partners way more than they do me and it’s just like a recurring thing I know I have to dial back to be paletable #it would feel nice to receive the kind of obsession I dish out #I don’t quite understand why I’m so different I kinda hate it about myself quite a lot #I just want to be held everything melts away into quiet peace when I’m held but just laying around snuggling for hours is massively boring #my body hurts so much less it’s like signifigant I don’t understand why it’s so signifigant #my right shoulder and my lower ribs and my neck especially #I wish my body wasn’t like this it continues to feel like a character flaw that I need to overcome #I want to find a doctor I can trust again but I’m more than a little bit overwhelmed by the prospect and mistrustful and vulnerable #Find some kind of magical way that I can make my body quit hurting #mend where I broke my ribs a couple years ago and find the source of the mystery organ pain and whatever happened to my shoulder #I wish I were building a house right now with funky 70s interior design #I wish I could afford to build a house #I wish I could force myself to just shut up and work some shitass job doing nothing of use like trading stocks and make bank and build #I feel antsy like I want to run again but I don’t actually I am perfectly content vibing right here #I can’t just keep running espesh with the fucky paperwork on my van #I am so tired of driving it’s so stressful #the road trip out here was notably brutal on me in a way no other road trip has been before #I miss my best friend I’m trying so hard to be patient for their arrival here #but some gnawing anxiety in my brain worries that they’ll put it off indefinitely and eventually back out #my own insecurity screaming that I’m not worth the massive life altering changes that moving out here with me would bring #my insecurity screaming that I’m not good enough #screaming that I’m too difficult and needy and strange and clingy and demanding and ill put together and chaotic and messy #I feel like I’m barely keeping it together I feel like I’m always teetering on the edge of total and complete life shattering failure #Like everyone around me only barely tolerates my presence and will throw me away and chase me off on a whim

[biggiedraws]

save me audiobook..... audiobook save me. audiobook

#genuinely nothing better than having an audiobook in progress #suddenly i can face all of my boring tasks...... #anyway currently reading 'a gathering of shadows' by v e schwab #its pretty good but not my favourite or anything #but at the very least it makes me dread doing my laundry a little less. so i cant complain

[hopskipandarump]

my boomer ass every time i think about the upcoming (new-expansion-obligatory) ast rework

#I DONT CARE IF WE DONT HAVE TP ANYMORE MAKE SPIRE SOMETHING ELSE I MISS THE OLD CARDS #I MISS THE OLD CARDS I MISS THE SECTS I MISS BEING ABLE TO FUCK WITH THE DURATION AND POTENCY OF MY SKILLS WITH CLEVER CARD AND COPP PLAYS #THE NEW CARDS ARE FUCKING AWFUL I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM #THEYRE SHIT #THEYRE SO FUCKING SHIT AND BORING AND I DONT LIKE PLAYING WITH THEM #I WAS GLAD WE DIDNT GET AN AST DROP IN ALL 8 P12S RECLEARS SO I DIDNT HAVE TO PLAY IT THIS TIER FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK #I MISS HEALERS BEING LESS FUCKING BORING AND HOMOGENISED THEY SUCK SO BAD WE HAVE NOTHING TO PRESS TO DO DAMAGE AND EVEN LESS TO HEAL #AND DONT TELL ME TO GO DO ULTIMATE I DO THAT SHIT I HEALED DSR AND TOP ON CONTENT #YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I PRESS IN ULTIMATE? #GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE GLARE DIA GLARE #AAKUJHSDGLKJSDFHGLKSJETRGLHKUSLRTKUGHALIKEUTRBHLKAZEUDJRHBGLKAUHERFGVLKAJDBHRFBLKJAHDRLFKGUHALDKFUHJGLAKJDFBGLAKJDFHBG;IKAUHDFGL;KJAHBDRG #ok i feel better now #rumprabbiting #ffxiv

[locrianking]

nothing pisses me off more than how figure skating reporters/news will constantly and intentionally leave out important details of stories in order to produce ragebait for people who don’t know anything about figure skating

#like i’m sorry but surya bonaly is NOT the hill you want to die on. #they banned backflips BEFORE SHE WAS EVEN COMPETING because guess what! #USFSA/ISU doesn’t want to deal with skaters breaking their fucking necks and dying on live tv! #or make young skaters feel like they Have To Learn how to do it and then fucking dying because of how INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS it is. #dont get me wrong figure skating is conservative and racist as fuck and surya bonaly faced some pretty horrific racism in her career #but banning the backflip had absolutely nothing to do with her and everything to do about not having skaters fucking die #also i’m not sorry but her edgework fucking sucked. like her jumps were incredible i can’t lie but her edges were. painful to watch at best #see also: everything regarding the sambo 70 and eteri #i am so sick and fucking tired of seeing people who don’t skate just hype up these incredible abused teenagers and hail them like gods #they don’t need fame they need HELP and eteri needs to be in fucking JAIL for what she’s done to SO MANY KIDS #i hope this sport gets more boring!! i hope i see less quads and less teenagers!! #what i want to see is competitive skaters who are still able to skate when they’re 25+ because their training was healthy and genuine #i want to see good technique and clean lutz edges and no full blade assistance on toe jumps bc thats what will save your joints #i want to see skaters with muscle and fat who have healthy relationships w/ food and their bodies and are stronger for it #this sport is so fucked. it’s a joke. i love skating but i wish i never had to interact with the community around it #ESPECIALLY those who have never gone through the sport themselves. stop getting off on abused children and start advocating for SAFETY #rosie speaks

[asterchats]

i so very badly do not want to go back to my placement place tomorrow

#a works-closely-with-us organisation gunned down one (1) thing i've been working on for the past month #and it did not upset me too much actually but now I Have So Few Things To Work On and i HATE having nothing to do #and i will have Nothing To Do #and im so #i'm so! #anxious about the thought of sitting there for 8 hours being bored and i really just want to crawl into writing bc i didn't get Any writing #done this weekend bc i got too overwhelmed by all the things that are happening always and then on tuesday i need to take my car #to be repaired and i am so stressed about that too #sighs #i am gonna have a shower and see if that makes things less awful it usually does #and i will be careful to get enough sleep tonight and make breakfast tomorrow #i'll be ok #goal setting: shower rn and one reply maybe for connor #and we'll see what the goals can be tomorrow. but just these for today #negative cw #(supportive general vibes appreciated)

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#some reflections on 2022 as a year bc im bored and tired mostly prob bc my hormones r fucked up #ill b real. it was not a great one. not the worst i guess. that award goes to 2016 when i was a junior in undergrad and i was spiraling #and i did kno y it was happening so it was scary. now at least i kno why mostly but i think ive experienced the most soul rattling cosmic #despair in this year just bc i pushed and pushed to the point of destruction and i mean i have a history of doing that but i never wanted #to like quit before like as in fucking quit my job and just fucking break things. its weird. and ive got that panic feeling now #its the same one i get when ive been in therapy for a while and nothings helping. and i keep thinking: help me help me someone make this #stop bc i dont want to b like this anymore and i dont kno what to do. bc i was hoping a break would heal me and that would b enough but #the fears been creaping in the past few days bc deadlines and projects snd i havent done anything i need to and i still just want to give #up. ugh. im probably just feeling melodramatic bc i overextended socially yesterday. but idk what to do. hope for a better year i guess #at least i kno i wont b living where i am in 8 to 10 months. so change is coming but things r still up in the air #and i mean 2023 wont b off to a great start bc i have to go to lunch with my grandparents and i dont want to #why? bc i think theyre bad ppl. and itll just b me. and i dont kno for how long ill b there. #my last day home and i have to spend time with them. i shoulf b working on a manuscript. i should b doing that now #but instead im laying here trying not to cry. i just wanna go to sleep. less than 48hrs and ill b back to the desert #feeling a little better maybe but idk all is not well #so yea hopefully 2023 will b a bit better #unrelated

[cartoonsaint]

you mentioned how hlvrai is an interesting form of storytelling and i think thats part of why it got big- same with taz and other dnd podcasts- people like the authenticity of it. theres no big writers rooms working to make it "perfect." its all very in the moment. the actors arent actors- theyre not reading off a script. everyone whose playing a part are equally a part of the storytelling process. everyone is making the script up in the moment, and things happen either to immediately make their friends laugh or make their friends go 'holy shit thats awesome' or (my personal favorite) to give their friends the opportunity to do something cool!

its an honest form of storytelling that we're kinda losing with the way media is so sanitized and washed out and forced to be marketable. like, i struggle explaining hlvrai or dnd podcasts to my friends when they ask what kind of content i watch, because theres really no comparison to it (unless they also engage with that type of content). its like people sitting around a campfire telling stories, just to pass the time and engage in creativity. and i think thats why people like them, theyre just fun and real.

i got a little rambley but overall: i think hlvrai and these types of media are popular because theyre honest

i think there's truth to this, yeah!!! :) there's a lot to be said for stories where the storytellers are present/visible, esp when they're all close-- it's like being invited into their warm, fun little friend group for a little bit, even if it's just to observe. it's a kind of antithesis to the wave of polished and soulless media that has become more and more of the stuff out there in the past ten years (spotless set design, everyone is beautiful and no one is horny, reliance on the Save the Cat method, i don't have enough links to sketch this whole thing out but yes: the number one word is marketability). these are lonely times; stories told by real people in real-time are a breath of fresh air, especially when there's the doubled wild cards of 1. wtf are my friends going to pull out of their asses next and how do i keep this balloon-story in the air oh god and 2. dice-rolling/weird g-mod stuff à la the helicopter heap, etc. it's great fun to see people up against these odds who manage to pull together a semi-cohesive story anyways :)

i don't think we're really losing this kind of story-telling, though it is becoming less visible in a marketability-lowest-common-denominator-blockbuster-content-production kind of way. but you're right that these kinds of practices trace back to telling stories around a fire, or while spinning thread or sharpening flint-- it's deep in our core as human beings. our lives are very different from those of our our ancestors 50k years ago but in the grand scheme of things, we've barely barely changed. we still want those stories. we still want to tell them, too. even as inhuman companies beyond our individual grasps manipulate things far above us, try to distract workers from too-long days at work with stripped-down marketable manipulative garbage, there will always be people making weird, niche art: friend groups who stream goofy improv together, people who write thousands upon thousands of words about their OCs even though only 3 people read it, toby fox in his basement, DnD podcasts with fewer than a fifty listeners, stick figure webcomics updating every day, pre-teens scribbling about sparklewolves in their composition notebooks and shyly sharing a little bit with the other weirdo in their class.

but yeah. especially for those of us who don't necessarily have the energy to create as much as we'd like, story-telling that has the foundations visible, that is honest about what it is and where it's coming from, that has at its core the desire to make one's friends laugh-- it's great! it's fun! it's a good antidote to the big polished crap :)

#i think ur smart n right anon i also just cannot stop talking. hope this makes sense i wrote it at 3am and am not less tired now #saint talks #ask saint #sorry this took me like a week to respond to i'm avoiding other things so i uh. well i got trapped in the televison tbh #here's some notes for anyone interested: #DO watch the first 1.5 seasons of twin peaks; interesting things to say about masculinity and trauma and community failures/success #DON'T watch season 1 of true detective; has boring incomplete things to say about masculinity and did NOTHING w the yellow king >:( #DO watch season 1 of severance it is excellent across the board; yes polished but v distinct w a very solid thoughtful core #thinking very vaguely about how a hlvrai au would slot nicely into it but only vaguely. do you hear me brain VAGUELY

[starpros-sunshine]

(through tears) have. have I ever told you about. about wataei and how much I adore them? Ha. Have I?

#rethorical question ik I have #but just. #waught <3333 #they are literally everything #I want to become the real thing. the bluebird that you were unable to obtain in the past. #being more realistic than the real thing is precisely what a supreme actor is after all #<- I am so normal about them #how have you people not become bored of me literally all I do is scream about wataei and fine and god knows what #how are there over a 100 people that follow me you get nothing out of this arrangement how are you still here #GOD I adore them #I can not articulate for the life of me just #lomvels #mippys #blorbos even #do not separate them one of them will make your life a living hell and the other one would be unhappy #Tomoya Eichi and the helicopter what even was that scene #it was very funny but jesus Eichi Wataru was gone for like a week maybe less than that #I love them they're so *squeeks them* #wataei

[batsandbabydolls]

I am straight up NOT having a good time right now

#adhd hell brain trying to do schoolwork at the last minute #this is so stupid because technically I'm ''studying'' #but actually I get GRADED on this stupid REVIEW SHEET based on how detailed it is #which isn't how I study at all but whatever #straight up just feels like the stupid busy work they gave me in high school #that used to take me like 6 hours because it was so boring I couldn't focus on it #and college courses basically never make you do stupid shit like that but this professor is built different <3 #honestly with the state MY fucking brain is in right now I'd probably just try my luck with the test #maybe just study a few of the things I'm less sure about because that's all I've got the mana for #I got fucking MARKED DOWN for my LAST study guide for ''not being detailed enough'' #like what do you want from me? this is how I study and I got a 92% so CLEARLY it works for me #also not for nothing the specific part I got marked down for was the material we covered in the class I had to miss #because I caught covid IN HER CLASS #and I'd emailed her to ask what I should do to catch up on that material #because she deliberately doesn't put the information from lectures on her slides #and she didn't answer me until AFTER we'd already taken the exam for that material #also not for nothing (again) but I'm pretty sure SHE also caught covid because she was coughing for like two weeks #around the time there was a known exposure in our class #and not only did she continue doing class in person #she didn't even wear a fucking mask!!

[byzzii]

i’m posting to say when i say i’m a yhb supremacist i don’t mean this imposter -w-)

#he’s so evil for using eunwoo and SMILING 😭😭 #i mean ik he’s improved but he’s acting like he’s the shit. his ego blew up big time…….. ah. it’s. a development. #and those aren’t his techniques either?? so like. yeah. i would’ve preferred if htf just stuck to martial arts. whether ir was accurate or #not (a shame. accurate information is always better) #it’s something i really enjoyed seeing. and hobin found out he loved fighting.. so why not start competing? tho if it was a sports thing ppl #might find it boring or uninteresting but me personally. idgaf abt catching 244. it was ok at the beginning and seongjun was a more likeable #obstacle for me. i was more interested in their beef than hb and 244’s. #and the whole rumi and wangguk thing. i never cared for it but the fact it happened off screen and rumi never showed interest in him makes #me care abt it even less. like if ptj is uncomfortable with showing romance why even add it? telling make it boring. there’s nothing to rly #like? things i can say i like r that gyeoul has more screentime and she’s fighting :) also i hope ptj doesn’t pay attention to jiksae bc i #don’t want ptj to ruin him. just leave him alone. i was sad abt that before but i’m glad now. #and uhm more ranting. i’m soooo disappointed with the samdak thing. i like samdak. he was fun and stuff. a buff dude in a chicken mask who #knows his shit. but the actual guy is boring…. like not fun. i didn’t expect some stern guy. i thought they would meet and a dude in a chick #en mask would coach/teach hb. in a similar way to his videos but they didn’t rly show just how hb got stronger like?? idk rant over ig #i’m not gonna proofread this ;;-w-) #i’m not reading it bc i like it now… what i do like it criticizing it. ptj u messed this comic up and ur hiatus should’ve been longer bc u #thought the fans would like this? i want to talk to someone who does. help me understand.

[strwbrymlkshake]

I wanna post about my recovery + ramble in tags at the same time but I'm not motivated enough to come up with a mediocre yandere post rn , so just know that my life is going?? Somewhat good in terms of romance

#mine #💿 #i can only ramble in tags. posts feel too official im shy</3 i feel like tags are less likely to show up on search engines as well... #just forever paranoid about the blog being discovered you know how it goes. personal stuff (proceeds to post it online) #in the general scheme of things im doing alright. tho im currently obsessed with a game instead of a man so idk if that counts #feels like im just waiting for an important event to happen. like ill have a great life changing thing but rn im just in limbo. waiting! #i dont mind it because i take joy in the small things in my day to day life but i feel like i should be doing bigger things. doing more #hell. BEING more. theres lots of cookie cutter paths i could take but none of them fit the mould im making yk. its boring. #on one hand im proud of myself for being able to stay focused on my interests instead of wasting time on a guy who doesnt care abt me #like i still am doing that a Little Bit but its not as detrimental to my daily life as it used to be. like its fine now #on the topic of.. him. we dont really talk much but i feel theres sort of a weird air between us now and he could tell i was in the yanzone #im not too broken up about it because i repeatedly told myself this would happen n i knew it would but everythings okay as it is rn #i still do admire him but not as intensely. the moment he stops hinting at even the possibility he could be interested my attention drops #i want to be everything but at the same time i want to be nothing. i want to be god and the earth and the sun and death and disease. #im working up to being perfect but at the same time i know no such thing exists so meanwhile im just. working up. to SOMETHING #i want everyday of my life to be an adventure. at the same time im much too tired for that. guess thats why i stick with emotional trifles #im not in love with him or anything. its the same as everyone else. like various dials in a lab that i have to keep below 50 #or else bad things will happen. like a scientist with anxiety. its like i be insane for a little while and the dial goes down #but any others could easily skyrocket because i find little things i adore about one person and latch onto them!!! like art #i feel im the most socially acptble level of yandere out of them all rn. in insanity specifically tho. in othr aspects im still weird #the power of autism is condemning me from learning proper social skills but by god i am TRYING my hardest n learning new things #i sit around waiting but atleast im building skills while doing it. part of what life is about i guess! #you come for the yandere content and then i just post philosophical rants. a tragedy most awful to those who can relate #but im okay with it as long as these strange lengthy rambles help me recover better!! no problem at all. one day i will be better #tl;dr i havent found love yet but im not miserable either. trying to improve myself through numerous mental quarrels n experience

[laomelettedufromage]

So apparently when you graduate college, you get to unlock a whole new sleuth of issues depending on what you do or happens after

#hiiiiii making tumblr my diary again<3333 #today is another bad day which I was afraid we were heading here #I think a lot of it is I just got less sleep #and it always seems to get worse on the weekends when everyone is like out partying and doing stuff yknow #anyways I used to be a very independent person who was good at keeping myself from being lonely and bored #but now I’m struggling very hard with both of those things which just feels so DUMB #but while there’s some things I can do to kinda help alleviate the boredom #there’s really nothing I can do for the loneliness at the moment which kinda sucks #and also the loneliness is definitely new #like it isn’t but me identifying it as loneliness is new #I think originally I was chalking it up to jealousy and boredom #and those two emotions are definitely still there #but I don’t think I’m giving loneliness enough credit😅 #which sucks because I’m not technically ALONE… ever #it’s just my coworker doesn’t really fill the hole yknow?? and then I also feel bad for him for that #even though I know that’s not my guilt to take on #but I know I’ve been very moody IM MOODY RIGHT NOW and it’s hard to keep that contained and so some of it gets taken out on him #which feels bad because he doesn’t deserve it AT ALL #and also I really do want to leave a good impression on these people😔 #idk man maybe after I eat I’ll like walk around or something #call one of my roommates #and then maybe start work on sewing my Jean jacket or somethin #it’s going to be a long month and my brain seems determined to make it suck😅 #personal

[actualtoad]

i have a bad stomachache again today

#…anxiety? #it doesn’t really feel like my period anymore it feels like im just scared #being mentally ill feels so stupid especially when there’s so many layers like this because it’s like #idk. when i get just regular anxious i always feel like. man. of all the things my brain could be worrying about #like i could be having a bpd spiral right now and the most interesting thing my mind wants to do is give me an unexplained stomachache???? #i’ve been fully tangled in delusions multiple times this week and my brain is like. hey have a tummyache?? #and it’s like. i don’t count it as real mental illness but dang if it’s not contributing to my bad mental health. so i should shut up #and deal with the fact that some of my brain problems are harder to reckon with than others #it’s probably silly and strange that i feel like delusions are more reasonable than regular dread but like. this just feels so dumb #okay so um #nothing to do first hour. second hour work on project. third hour sew my jacket. fourth hour movie worksheet. fifth hour movie worksheet #and i have three and a half cards to give. one of them i’ll give today #the thing is im literally giving my chem teacher a two page letter about how awesome he is but im still nervous about him #like there’s a lot of things to be thankful for but im still just a little off put by him being so friendly? #and so i kind of just feel weird giving him a card. idk. but i don’t want to not recognize how helpful and understanding he’s been so i will #the other cards are less of anything it’s just around three sentences per teacher of: listen i know i don’t turn in enough assignments but #i think you’re rad. love how you do [a] and [b] in your class #mme peterson’s is going to be a little longer and also en français but otherwise still a little boring #but mr hidaka’s is two pages long thanks him for everything says there’s no way it’s a full goodbye and that he makes me feel safe #which is true when im around him just not when i get home and THINK about him and so idk. but idk. he’s a nice guy. whatever #im giving him his card today the other people are getting theirs on the last day. but also his isn’t really a card it’s more of a letter #they’re all letters actually. just some of them are very short letters. but none of them are really cards #anyway i have to do my dumb PROJECTS and not fail my CLASSES and there’s not that much left but it still feels like so much #also i had to fall asleep last night with the fake sounds of a fireplace to drown out screaming parents. so. not doing the best at home #but. i should start getting ready for school. im just kind of here #me. my post. mine. #delete later