#no i have stuff to do and i have to study but im kinda having an existential crisis so hm

[cranberrysoap]

headshot sketch i liked

#cran draws tag #lias/ #sketchins #i did some photo studies today before my toony stuff and it made me start wondering if i should #give Lias slightly more eyebrow? i would have to just try it for a while and see what i feel loll #he used to have a little more for a brief moment 10yrs ago but i was always flip flopping between that & thin lines b4 settling on thin lol #this is really random dw abt it oh fuck its 2am i should be asleep #edit cuz idk wanna make a whole post abt it but im actually kinda lost my mojo a bit so ive been like. #studying and doodling trying to get rid of it lol #cuz i tried to ink a wip the other day and couldnt do it suddenly lol so #obviously i need to do smth else for a bit

[7hyein]

read tags ;--;

#soo ermmm im not that type of person who likes to say these stuff but errrrrt #i decided i might quit tumblr cuz it's kinda actually ruining my mental health a lil bit #and school is driving me crazy like there's so much work to do #and i have to take exams for 2 more weeks + i have online classes on saturday too 😨😨 #SIDE EYE #if I decided not to quit then I might take a LONG BREAK FROM TUMBLR ;--;;. #anyways I'm not gonna make new mbs tho #I'm gonna post my old drafts that I've made before instead #sorry if u guys don't like my new mbs . 🌚 #and what bothers me is that I mostly spend my time on tumblr instead of studying #🌚🌚🌚🌚🌚🌚 #and I might fail my exams cuz of that reason ;// #i DO not want to get yelled by my mom for failing 🔥🔥💯💯 #if i fail my moms gonna take away my phone n i don't hv access to my tumblr acc #ughhh i hate my school for giving me to do exams ffor 3 weeks straigjt #THIS SUCKS #ARGHJEHEHEBB #i study like everyday #i haven't got sleep for like 2 days cuz of the ugky goofy ahh exams #TMR EXAM WEEK CONTINUE AGAIN. 🌚🌚 #manifesting that I will pass ECONOMICS 💯💯🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 #PUKU PUKU POW POW RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 #AND IM GONNA START BEING IA #I'LL POST 5 OF MY OLD DRAFTS TMR MORNING. #and the fact taht i still HAVE to study during the time I get to school #SORRY FOR BAD ENGLISH UGHHH #I'M DEAD #Я МЕРТВ 🔥🔥🔥🔥💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 #jumps off a cliff #🌚🌚🌚

[liquidstar]

a friend who'd wait :)

#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops. #and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can! #and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol #finn's ocs #finn's art #i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me #and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun #i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here: #barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past #he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it #he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned #which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them #they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore #but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird #and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place #though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library #and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together #since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door #eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement #barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time. #barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate #but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd #he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself #but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done. #and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies. #and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them) #and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances'' #from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov #sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3 #but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh

[boxwinebaddie]

OMG I KNEWWW IT WAS CHEF EVER SINCE THE TATTOO I LOVE BEING RIGHT

i love that you were right and love that you love you were right, love!

i was trying not to be too terribly obvious, but the tattoo was a bit on the nose...or forearm...speaking of

i moved the tattoo.

i know! very scandalous of me to desecrate the canon i built!

but i didn't like that it was just like randomly thrown on his forearm in a careless manner & without greater significance, bc ok, obviously it's very significant because it's for his dad or his Real Dad anyways, but it didn't have that Special Uncle Nina ~Pizzazz~ or meaning i make.

so...sh tw...

i decided to put it on his wrist.

because as we know...stan is Sad.

and when stan is very sad, he does things that are very...very Bad. and when stan was about 16/17 and having a very low, dark moment he...lacerated his wrists...and specifically split his radial artery.

stan was half dead when chef found him, kenny had sent him some very unkenny like text messages worrying about stan's mental health

( i think i mentioned this earlier, but kenny and stan were extremely close during the 2nd part of the rm flashbacks after the fire which take place in chicago - ken is kind of like a second son to chef; they're both his boys, blue and red, if you remember the little song he sang )

it was all very traumatic and fucking horrible ( stan wrote a note ;-; )

and...honestly, given stan's situation it's kind of suuuper Not Smart to take him to a hospital, but what i will say is that chef's birth son, lived for one day, died the next morning and was buried privately by chef and ex-wife, so there's no record of his death, but there is, however, record of his Birth, so for all intents and purposes, legally, stan is

jerome nigel mcelroy jr...aka stan.

but yeah it was a mess and when kenny first got good with the tattoo gun, stan had him tattoo 'CHEF' over the wrist he cut because he knows if he ever gets that low again, he's not only killing himself...

...but the person who saved his life.

-uncle nina, lore whore

#sh tw #so there is some lore #try to be gentle with me please abt the logistical stuff #with like fraudlent identities and things like if it all doesnt work perfectly rm is a work of fiction and i did my best researching #and i am now probably on an fbi watch list bc of it #it was worth it #BUT I DIDNT LIKE THAT THE CHEF TATTOO WAS JUST THERE #IT WASNT MEANINGFUL TO ME #like random chef tattoo on stans arm? yeah alright cool ig #CHEF TATTOO ON STANS SCARRED UP WRIST??? #HELL YEAH BROTHER THAT IS WHAT IM TALKIN ABT! #u are welcome to ask me any and all chef lore questions #or kenny ones actually #that part of rm is still kinda murky but if ur down to let me build you what i have and develop it as i go #i can do that #also by special i mean that i need to be put in a psychiatric hospital and studied under a microscope

[silenthillbunni]

🤧🐀🌧️🌊

#need to clear my head; #im in such a bad mood. my face is in a perpetual angry state. im just so so bitter nd pessimistic rn #trying not to get stuck in negative chaos thought spirals nd to just take it as it come #nd be patient bc recovery takes time i know. but i havent been able to feel healthy or functional for 7 months nd i am so tired #i cant help but worry abt my health nd what kinda diet i can have nd how to work all of that out. #like the removal of the gallbladder dont ensure a good digestive system. they remove it bc it can irrepairably hurt u #also im so so stressed out abt school nd my courses. i already had to drop one last week. nd it isnt looking like i'll be able to pass my #eng class.. it just isnt looking like it's realistic at all :/ i personally dont mind if i fail. but i can get issues w my wellfare hmm #bc like im still feeling rough nd u only get sick leave for one week after surgery.. so i have to go on thursday nd friday but im gnna #be in pain plus be so hungry nd be unable to concentrate idk #idk idk!! im already willing to take out loans to finish my upper secondary school.. but i have to make it work w timing nd stuff so im not #sitting here unable to pay rent or the bills or food lmao. so idk have to fix it somehow #nd the pressure of this country rapidly declining state is stressing me tf out!! having nazi conservative rightists in the ruling is just #dreadful!!!! for many reasons but atm idek if i can do distance classes like i wanted to :// #i just.. wanna be able to go for my long walks. go to the gym. eat normally. have coffee. study nd finish highschool. #then apply for whatever program i can nd move to another calmer city. prob eventually find a path to move to another country. like norway.. #im thinking too much but my thoughts are spinning nd killing me like i cant stop it im so scared nd anxious lmao 💀 #im also trying to be brave and write to the psych clinic for personality disorders nd be upset nd 'beg' them for help ksksksks. #but like... the thing abt having avpd is that i kinda dont wanna bc im scared of the possibility of them helping me lol #im just in a low place nd bad headspace and it's just getring worse nd im getting more nd more tired #i dont have much more energy to keep it together nd pretend like im ok or like i have hope lmaoooo idk what to do #anyway... idk idk guess i just gotta .. keep crawling forward anyway i can

[cantsaythetword]

I think I've just accepted 2024 is gonna be kinda shit lmao

#he speaks #was meant to be going on a trip mid this year #and after having my parents be VERY against the idea cause of uni (even tho the trip is during the holidays) #ive decided not to go cause i cannot imagine adding anything else onto what i have to do this year or get through #it causes me so much anxiety just thinking about it #and even tho id probablg enjoy most of it while im there #id be exhausted by the end of it #and would have to go pretty much straight back to study/work stuff #but now my gf is really upset cause i was meant to come with her and her family #and meet her grandparents #and shes not mad at me or trying to pressure me #im just really really hating making her upset about this #but i dont know if id make it through the year knowing i have a whole ass trip planned #on top of uni/work stresses #which uni is already kinda shit #work is great but tiring #same with training #i just cant #shits hard #kinda a vent post #im so bad at dealing with people who are upset #especially with me

[caffeinatedopossum]

I don't understand why it's generally not socially acceptable to recognize your good qualities. Like I don't understand why it's bad to be a show-off or a know-it-all or to brag. Like I think most people know "those things = bad" but not why.

It also seems like people are always either waaaaay into one end of the scale where they are just so unbearably full of themselves and have preposterously high self esteem (and most people act like this is fine too? Like a lot of celebrities and white men specifically seem to be like this) and I don't understand why so many people respect them then. Or they're the complete opposite with self esteem way too low despite the fact that they have redeeming qualities.

I feel like maybe the reason it's considered bad to brag is because you might 'make' other people feel inadequate but see that seems like a stupid reason to me because the problem then is not that you stated an opinion of your own self worth but is actually that everyone else is conditioned to compare themselves to each other in a very unhealthy way. And I think instead of discouraging people from opening up about what they take pride in, what they like about themselves, what makes them feel happy or content or confident, maybe we could just be discouraging people from viewing those things as personal threats? Idk just trying to formulate some thoughts on this

#idk why but this feels like a very convoluted topic #like so many people are probably coming from different starting positions on this than i am and im afraid that might #make it be misinterpreted or something #like i feel like there definitely is a balance where some self esteem is too little and some is too much #it just feels like it is exceedingly rare to find anyone with ideal realistic self esteem and idk why #i also dont mean this in a way to say that every action is the responsibility of the people taking offense either #because obviously thats not how that works. its understandable to demand a certain amount of respect #and to accept that your words (even the ones you say about yourself) could negatively impact other people #and thats not necessarily on them for being defensive #idk social concepts are strange and foreign to me so im still figuring this stuff out and through an autistic lense to boot #so sometimes i feel a bit like im conducting a study or an experiment more than writing a blog post #im just trying to understand people because i need to #it seems like the overwhelming majority of allistics have absolutely no interest in why they do the things that they do #so i have to go around experimenting instead of asking direct questions about this stuff #because when i do ask direct questions they look at me like i just asked them if the sky is actually blue or if its just gasses up there #in case you are not the most common dimwit. the sky is both of those things. however when you ask someone a question #phrased like that about a topic they dont want to admit they dont know about. they will usually avoid the question or answer absurdly #its actually kinda funny you should try it sometime #now im distracted because i dont know enough about how the sky works and i need to know #anyways gonna go down a research rabbit hole methinks

[falmerbrook]

absolutely fucking hating how my art looks right now. which already sucks normally but is real soul crushing when my entire mental state hinges on being able to draw things im at least content with

#i feel like i have to do studies to get better but im gonna be real i hate doing studies #i cant concentrate because its boring and its demotivating because they always turn out like shit and i dont want to use my precious drawin #time making stuff i dont like and didnt enjoy making #also im just a lazy idiot #im having a 'spends 4 hours every night crying' kinda week #mine #vent #not tes #sorry for venting but by drafts are full of them right now and i need to release one into the wild to relieve some pressure

[doodlboy]

Did some figure studies 4 my current favorite fusions

#rhodochrosite & aventurine [<-i might change that 1 actually idk] #anyway im trying 2 give them different body shapes #like ro is built like the fuckin..kelp juice bottle from spongebob #mostly bc i wanted to exaggerate their features & kinda play in2 the drag inspo a bit without going like..c*l*rts level of proportions #i wanna do more exaggerated style stuff but i also don't want 2 cross that line & sometimes i get nervous that it'll be taken that way #& i really dont want my art 2 be perceived like that- anyway #ro is a round hourglass w little to no like- visible muscle except 4 in their arms a bit #avent is top heavy with thinner legs #its hard 2 tell bc of the angle i drew them at but the general idea was spoon shaped #they still have muscle its just lean and not like- super visibly buff. idk like a gymnast build #bc they combine mams being able 2 sprint laps around every1 with els fucked up joints/ability to basically contort themself so gymnast fits #anyway #wip art #figure study #kinda #i used 3 dif refs for avent bc of their arms #traditional art #obey me gem au #om gem au #obey me #rhodochrosite #aventurine #elliot rambles #elliot doodles

[prestonmonterey]

ughhhh someone kill me i think i might like stay on the third floor today i actually cant deal with her today

#marble musings #vent #shes the only person in my 'friend' group who has the same free block as me #and shes actually a nightmare to be around #im always worried shes gonna take my stuff #(she likes taking my wolf from my hands and my cat ears off my head #and laughs it off as a joke even after i tell her not to??) #and i cant even escape her bc the new friend group that im kind of maybe a part of #she just shows up sometimes #and its awful bc ive seen her make some of my friends uncomfortable and is entirely unapologetic about it #and shes really loud and makes everything about herself and makes conversations impossible #and its annoying bc she kept complaining about not being able to talk to me during free block bc i have headphones on #to listen to music and/or do work #and i was like #'ok you can talk to me if you want idc' #and now she talks to me nonstop during free block regardless of if i tell her i need to get work done #and her existence just kinda stresses me out #but ive never found the right time to tell her to stop #and i cant sit inside where all the tables are bc we usually sit there #and i cant sit outside bc its prolly wet and also she'll find me #and idk if im even allowed to sit upstairs but i kinda have to bc i really dont want to deal with her today #i need like a proper excuse for why im wearing headphones #she doesnt care that i listen to podcasts #and i don have anything to edit #ummmm #i don actually have any hw other than like studying for my math test #fuck ok i guess ill do that #idk what class shes in #umm #if shes also in honors ill cry

[muscariii]

Sorry guys, I know I mentioned that I would probably post more art but I had a couple of rough days and I couldn't really bring myself to draw much.

I'm starting school again but I'll try to post art as often as I can since I really enjoy doing it and I love reading the tags people put on my drawings. They make me really happy. And also I just want to be more consistent in posting here because there's so many things I want to share.

I honestly can't wait for finals to already be over because I won't have to go to that awful school anymore ( I hate that place so much, it's terrible ). I'll also finally be able to focus on the things I enjoy doing!

When I'm done with finals I'll definitely have more time to post art so I'm counting down days until May for now!!

I'll keep doing my best until then!!

#ive been working really hard on staying mentally stable the past few days #im just kinda overwhelmed by the amount of studying I have left to do #and also the stuff im doing for my portfolio #actually im really proud of a project im working on #i think ill start posting my progress on it maybe #its a comic but in a really fun technique #muscari is doing her best #muscaribrain

[oloreaa]

Weirdest feeling ever

#no i have stuff to do and i have to study but im kinda having an existential crisis so hm #im going to leave taiwan in about two weeks and im so conflicted on how i spent my time here #i have the feeling that i didnt see enough or did enough while i was here and met with friends #but at the same time i know that lots of time i genuinely didnt have the energy for it and its so hard being away from home #esp since i miss my bf and my family like crazy #at the same time i have family and friends in taiwan as well and i also want to spend time with them but the family is so draining #and its just slowly hitting me that many things i do here will be the last time i do #like being at that bus stop or walking down that street or seeing that building #like i know its coming to an end and i will and can probably never return to this specific point again #so im just. just trying to comprehend whats going on vs what i should have done #all the while wishing that i was back already so i can eat my mums food and see my dad in the garden #and my siblings playing video games together and my friends in our city #and i want to be held by my bf so much. these months have felt like an eternity #but i also dont want to leave taiwan bc it was a really nice time here that felt like being in a little bubble #when im back im going to have to work and focus on my bachelors and deal with family #like im really really torn about how i should feel and if there is a way that i can feel #so kinda wanna just bundle up and do nothing but i have my final on friday so i cant #rea rambles

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data #which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done #for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior #so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip. #also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a #collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things. #and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more #devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close #bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the #country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will #instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a #different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad #a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi #intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see #them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize #the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b #doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped #that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying #less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating #unrelated

[lesbianbishounen]

there are some pieces of media that i love a lot for a variety of reasons but most of the content on social media about it is ship related. and a lot of the time i like said ships as well but theyre not the reason something impacted me at all i want other kinds of content. but if i have to read a single analysis post from an online stranger that i disagree with i might start blowing people up with my mind

#moral of the story is to only have serious conversations abt stuff u like with ur friends #ill be fr i was thinking about trigun typing this but i could name other things #like witch hat atelier. almost every single piece of wha art ive seen online is orufrey and i love them but like Damn #kingdom hearts too i feel like thats the fanbase that really made it clear to me that i do not like being engaged w fandoms at large #idk. the constant war between me being like 'damn it kinda sucks that some aspects of things i like arent typically discussed online' #vs that allowing me to live my life in peace and never be at risk of seeing someones wrong opinion #bcus i get so fucking tilted when i do. being really into dbz last year was rough for me i was so fucking mad all the time #trying to find character study fics (dont ask) and constantly being like 'he would not fucking say that.' #feel like this also doesnt really bother me for some stuff like orv. like yes joongdok is literally everywhere but #so much of that novel loops back into them that like. a lot of the fanart u see of them reflects themes of the novel itself. #does this make sense. like i still want more hsy art but it doesnt bother me that much that kdj and yjh are literally omnipresent #anyways i love tumblr i can blab as much as i want in the tags vs on twit i have to make longass threads #which makes it look like im posting for engagement or w/e. im not i just need my thoughts out of my head #chatots

[avatardoggo]

soooo i was right 🫠😐🫥 the Friend like likes me and it seems e v e r y o n e around me has known sINCE FEBRUARY

#SO 👏🏾 let’s just let it be known that i’m an Obviously Silly Clown so no one needs to tel me that ik already so i already told y’all how he #said he needed to Talk to me and i was planning on avoiding him but my friends said not to bc it’s not the Adult Thing To Do and he is my #friend and i care about him so it wouldn’t be nice so i didn’t me and my roommate went to dairy queen with him after i finished braiding her #hair so we were getting out the car to go get ready for bible study at church but then he’s all like ‘VK i need to talk to you can you pleas #stay?’ and i was like KAJDJDJFJFJJD NO but on the outside i was such a Normal Girl and was like sure :)) so we’re in the parking lot and i l #left the door open bc i didn’t want to feel claustrophobic but i lied 🤥 and said it was hot so he starts out all like sorry i made you anxio #us by prolonging this talk and i was like lol no it’s fine i was busy with exams and stuff and he just kinda gets quiet and he was like sooo #i like you and i’m like #🤔😃🫠😶🫥😧 processing #and then i was like ok elaborate and he’s like i have feelings for you so i’m SHOOK BC WOWIE ppl aren’t cowards like me cause i could never #and i say well thanks for telling me and i think you’re really brave for that but i’m sorry i don’t feel the same way but i still want to be #friends but if you need space then it’s fine as well and he’s like ya i didn’t expect anything from you i just didn’t want to regret not #saying anything so i was ABOUT TO CRY BC I HAD TO REJECT HIM BC I REALLY DONT HAVE THOSE FEELJNGS FOR HIM so i left and went home and my <3 #almost exploded from my chest i was on the verge of a panic attack and i told my roommate and she was LAUGHING BC SHES SUSPECTED HES LIKED #ME SINCE FEBRUARY when he paid for my pizza and aPpArEnTlY hOw He LoOkS aT mE 🙄 WHATEVER #AND THEN I TOLD MY SECOND ROOMMATE AND SHES LIKE O YA IM NOT SURPRISED #so i’m just an oblivious silly goose who doesn’t USE HER BRAIN like kajdjdjhddjd and and now i’m thinking of the things i’ve done that made #him think i like him too like i baker him a pie for his birthday and i just feel silly and need advice if anyone has any but if not it’s fin #just an update on my life if you’re interested #vk overshares in the tags

[elegyofthemoon]

ngl tho if they dont have my schedule by the end of the day (bc they still havent given me one yesterday) i might explode 🤭

#snow speaks #vent #tw vent #like for the most part im chill bc i can just go study my own thing (and i need it anyways) #but also. #if a lot of the grading for this is subjective im sure im not doing super well rn since im constantly running in and out and overall being #confused as heck #i do actually need a rigid schedule so ik what im doing #also doesnt help that apparently the rest of the students here ALSO dont have access to materials to work properly #so we've got the short end of the stick 🤭 #anyways. we carry on #i have two things to do this morning so ill have to see how that goes #and maybe drop by the schedule place again 🫠🫠🫠 #Well! i also said wednesdays will be a destressor day since its dead center #but we shall see where it takes me #i might push myself to read up/study more #idk. i just need to know like. when am i expected to show up. how long. what should i be doing. #they kinda just threw me in and ive been ????? #like yeah! i am actively seeking stuff out but ?? i worry that bc i dont know what i should be doing #im neglecting something i OUGHT to be doing #but anyways. we're fine lmao