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cowgurrrl · 1 year

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Graceland Too

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader (plus platonic Ellie Williams x fem!reader)

Author’s note: okay but I kinda want to write this into a series (gif by @loregifs)

Summary: “I think we deserve a soft epilogue, my love. We are good people and we’ve suffered enough.” - Seventy Years of Sleep #4. nikka ursula aka Miller/Williams family time plus one [1.1k]

Warnings: Pregnancy talk, tooth rotting fluff, can be read as an additional part to What Sarah Said and Sweet Jane but can also be read as a stand-alone, that’s all

"How's are the Miller's doing today?" He asks as he walks into your shared room. You're laid on your side, counting baby kicks obsessively and trying not to fall asleep. It's still the middle of the day, and your sleep is already fucked. Rest has not gotten easier as the weeks have passed, but it feels especially impossible now at thirty-four weeks.

It's been a relatively normal pregnancy. Your morning sickness returned with a vengeance and got so bad that you had to go to the hospital to get fluids because you were throwing up so much. It's subsided a little in your second and third trimesters, but even the slightest smell can make you nauseous for the rest of the day. Poor Joel had to switch soaps three times before finding something that didn't agitate either of you. These days, you're exhausted, sore, and ready not to be pregnant anymore.

"This one," you point to your swollen stomach. "Has been kicking my ass all day. I barely got out of bed before I had to lie back down." You sigh. Joel kisses you before leaning down and kissing your belly.

"You be nice to your mama," he says, and you laugh when the baby kicks in defiance. You grab his hand and place it where you just felt them, and he smiles when the baby kicks at him, too. "Stubborn."

"Wonder where they get it from." You hum, and he smiles. For a while, you two lay together, feeling for tiny movements as the sun shines high in the sky. He lights up each time the baby moves against his hand, which is more than enough to tolerate the constant kicks in your ribs. He loves this baby so much already.

"You're in the home stretch now," he says. "Any last guesses on what you think it'll be?"

"I still think it's a girl. I'd be shocked if we had a boy."

"I think it's a boy."

"Because you want a boy or because you actually think it's a boy?"

"Excuse me, I do think it's a boy, and I'd be just as happy if we had a girl," he says as he runs his hand over the hill of your belly. "You're carrying lower. My mama always used to say that was a good way to tell what someone was having."

"Alright, I'll let you have it. Ellie thinks it's a boy, too. She said she just felt it," you look down and poke at your stomach. "Whoever you end up being, can you come out soon? I'm tired."

"Couple more weeks."

"Easy for you to say."

"That's true," he says as you push the hair out of his eyes. "D'you think we're ready?"

"I think it's a little late to ask that, cowboy," you laugh, and he rolls his eyes. "But, yes, I think we're ready." You, Ellie, and Joel spent weeks converting one of the old rooms in the house into a nursery. At first, they were fine with you helping, but as the weeks passed and you got bigger, they put their foot down. Even if you picked up an empty box or a paintbrush, Ellie would yell from the other side of the room and take it from your hands. When they painted, they barely let you in the house because they thought the fumes would harm you and the baby. You've had to remind them that you've been the one to save their asses multiple times, and you can still do things even though you're pregnant, but you might as well have been talking to a brick wall.

Joel and Ellie built most of the nursery together— everything from the crib to the rocking chair to the space mobile hanging from the ceiling. They painted the walls a pretty yellow, making the dusty, old room fit for the newest Miller. They painted a growth chart by the door and even marked their own heights and ages in pencil on the wall. You came in when you heard them giggling, and then they insisted on marking how far your bump came out on the wall, too. You couldn't say no when they looked at you with those stupid grins and big eyes. Ellie took a polaroid of you standing in front of the chart as Joel pressed a paint-stained hand to your stomach and kissed you.

Seeing her so excited about the new baby made both of you feel so much better. She's talked nonstop about everything she wants to do with the baby pretty much since she found out you were pregnant. You were unsure how she would react since she's been your only priority for years now, and she's getting older, but she's ecstatic. She held your hair when you woke up throwing up, and Joel was on patrol. She made you soup and reminded you to take the way-too-expensive prenatal vitamins. She even learned to play lullabies on her guitar to sing to the new baby. She'd be a great mom.

"I'm so excited to meet them," Joel says softly, and you smile.

"Me too," You say. You lean in to kiss him and barely graze his lips when the baby kicks in Joel's direction. You try to ignore it and kiss him again when they do it again. They kick you hard enough that Joel feels the baby's foot against his hand, and you both laugh. "I can't believe we're getting cockblocked by a fetus."

"How do you think you got here?" Joel asks loudly, looking down at your stomach.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Ellie asks as she walks into your room, and you laugh.

"Every time I try to kiss Joel, the baby kicks at him," you say. She gives you that classic Ellie stink face, and you hold out your hand. "C'mere." You urge. She hesitates before walking over to your side of the bed. You take her hand and let her feel the baby's movements, making her smile.

"That's so weird," she says but doesn't move her hand. She lingers, having a semi-private moment with the baby as they turn and wiggle against each of their hands. They are moving back and forth between Joel and Ellie, like they can't decide who they want to hang out with, but they want to be involved. Ellie crouches down next to the bed, resting her chin on her hand, and Joel traces little patterns into the fabric of your shirt. Slowly, the baby settles down and falls asleep, their movements less crazy but still sporadic.

Ellie and Joel come to the same conclusion but don't move. They stay there with you and the baby as the day rages on outside. Let it rage, you think. I have everything I need right here.

🍓

tag list: @evyiione @nyotamalfoy @abbyhaslongshorts

#he’s so girldad your honor #joel and ellie #the last of us #joel miller #joel miller fic #joel miller x reader #the last of us x reader #ellie williams #joel tlou #joel miller the last of us #joel miller fluff #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller x y/n #joel miller x female reader #ellie williams fluff #only happy endings here bitches #look for the light

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gummybearzgocrazyagain · 6 months

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kinn/porsche fic rec vol. 2

Futuristic/Space AU

All That Just For a License? by @nuwildcat [daaaaaaaaamn son the squeals of utter delight i have produced while reading this...????? numerous. porsche and chay are bounty hunters, picking off criminals and delivering them to the waiting, and most importantly, well-paying hands. this next job must be nothing out of ordinary, the guy looks dirty and worn-out, and porsche knows this next part by heart... or is he. if i told you it was extremely delicious and entertaining read, it would still be an understatement. so so so so so many compliments and kudos]

Clandestine by @aheartfeltlie [in somewhat cyber-punk-ish future, that includes flying cars and chip-implanted eyes, porsche is equally “eat the rich, and not a good kind, especially if it is kinn fucking theerapanyakul” in real life, and “eat the rich, definitely a good kind” in the all-immersive world of Clandestine, game to rival all others. awesome variation on enemies-to-lovers, tis a rec]

a/b/o + college

And They Were Roommates by @tessalane [aaaaaaaa, obsessed with this one, the absolute perfect mix of softness and horniness of enemies-to-lovers a/b/o college roommates AU, tropes that has been used to death, and yet somehow never get old in the right hands, and does this author have the rightest hands for it, bless up. can’t rec this enough]

Alpha’s bid by @paulalestat-blog [fresh premise of the futuristic set-up: with time due to the virus, omega population withered to near extinction, and each omega is valued and sought after. an agency kinn goes to provides match-making services, where omegas are shown alpha’s profiles, and then are free to choose any alpha they deem pleasing or fit, and alpha can not back out. you know what happens next. and yes, kinn is a uni teacher in this one...? go figure. still a wip, and a very good one at that]

Vamp AU

Smoke and Raindrops by @nuwildcat [*fanning herself* thank you, dear author, it was delicious. it is beyond me why vampire!kinn is not a huge deal in this fandom, all the signs are right there - paleness, piercing gaze, power, audacity, stature, daddy issues, etc etc, one would expect the tag to be flooded and yet, good vamp!kp fic is scarce, which makes this even more precious: traditional back alley meeting, werewolf!porsche, canon levels of horniness, delightfully wrapped in author’s eloquent style. so many kudosssssssssssss]

after dark by @foreigncars [i...am not exactly sure what i think of this one yet, some of the plot points seemed... tad abrupt, but hey, it’s a vamp!kinn, can’t be too choosy when it comes to the vamp trope, in this house we appreciate them all]

Spy/Assassin AU

Worthy of Love and Loyalty by @rebellconquerer [what.what.what.what the FCUK was that i am wheezing, the fuckkkkkk dear author, how DARE YOU, the audacity....??? i mean, are there even words//// i am so in luv with this thang, it’s not even funny, my long-running partiality towards this trope is back with the vengeance it seems. theerapanyakuls have an intelligence agency, porsche is taken in by force and made to train, yada-yada, if you have not read this yet, i am so fucking envious you have no idea. this fucking fic <3]

two shots by @martynaxao3 [yassssss slay assassin!porsche, who could resist such temptation. this thing has it all, plot, twists, lust, great pacing, excellent style, huge rec, no notes]

Historic/fantasy AU

putting a harried love letter into a red mailbox by @captainkit [like this author and their unhurried, sensual style. in this au, porsche is a temple khon dancer in a capital that kinn is currently laying a siege to. not a MS crossover though, still a kp historic au. although the story is centred around kp, vp and kimchay have their own prominent parts, and there is plot, for real. wip, but enough has been written by now]

what a tangled web we weave by @fairhairedkings [has this author ever disappointed, duhhhhh, ain’t never a miss with them: scheherazade au i am sure everyone follows already, so this rec is more of an homage to the beloved author. i for once, can never have enough of “forced marriage resulting in smitten kinn” trope, can anyone, especially so well written one. all the possible kudos, as usual]

with the subcategory of warprize!porsche

How I Know You by @nuwildcat and A thousand jasmine blossoms bloom by @iffervescent [another trope kp dynamic seems especially suited for, imho, executed soooooooo beautifully by this fandom. hands down both are such amazing works, no notes, all the possible kudos and eternal gratitude to the authors, i was saaaaaaat 🙌]

Hybrid AU

Feline Purrsuasion by @wiccawrites [based on this idea, the piece is highly entertaining and very-well executed. porsche is a brat even in feline form, and kinn is struggling to retain his sanity. the fact that the idea was born before woody on stage, is... inchresting. bravo author, big time rec]

Magic AU

Like water by @deliciousblizzardshark [ouccccccchhhhh, that capital H hurted. brilliant, brilliant writing, how have i missed this gem from the author of one of my fav pieces. in a world where you can tattoo magic symbols on one’s skin, obedience is one of the most logical ones to tattoo on your new bodyguard, isn’t it though... it is for kp to find out. damnnnnnnnnnnnnn it was painfully beautiful and so absolutely worth a read. thank you dearest author, what a fucking masterpiece <3]

The Empty Crown by @rainbowcolored7 [such a great world-building, and the lore is superb: kittisawasds are from the fire clan that can command phoenixes, and theerapanyakuls are the water clan that are connected to dragons. when their clan’s capital is destroyed, lil porsche and chay are forced to run and hide, and spend their lives in fear of their true lineage being discovered. they are minding they own business leading ordinary folk lives, all until an idiot falls down a hill and hurts himself right in front of unsuspecting porsche, who was just trying to fish in peace. suuuuuuch a lovely read, so pleasantly paced, it keeps you fully immersed and invested, not to mention, the chemistry between the poor conflicted porsche and the injured idiot is 👌👌👌]

sex on fire by @cherry_apples22 [it’s pretty much like if My Type by Saweetie was a fic, i dunno what else to add: since he found out he was a phoenix, porsche is unable to get laid, cause his flames would hurt any other living creature. well, almost any other, there are dragons, for instance... who do not get affected by phoenix fire, right... his own lil bro is even dating one... how hard can it be to meet one for himself? p.s. and if there are but hints of monsterfucking? don’t mind if i do 🙆‍♀️]

green isle in the sea, love (a fountain and a shrine) by @anakinn [i am quite frankly speechless sitting here with my eyes like 👀 didn’t know this was a thing...? until it absolutely became a thing....? in a nutshell, porsche spills some oils in some random shrine they’ve stumbled upon while on a recon mission, some deity felt slighted, and now there are two kinns...? i ain’t gonna say no’ mo’, you ought to read this for yourselves bruv]

Alternative meeting

stripper for one night by @martynaxao3 [yasssss, thank you, tay for the win againnnnn, it’s kinn’s bday, and they are celebrating at some hole in the wall place they just chose at random, and the bartender working there keeps being rude to the birthday boi, or is he.... super fun and super hot, author deserves all the praise, as always, much luv]

Tiger bite by @Verbana [after the death of their father and husband, namphueng, little porsche and babie chay are brought to stay at the theerapanyakul household, to be brought up along with their cousins kim, khun, and anakinn. understandably, the angst ensues. if i knew any words prior to reading this, they’re all gone by now. immaculate, immaculate vibe. adore this type of stories to death, the longing, helplessness, the despair of it all.. omg.]

Fake dating

Situationship by @vcrses [no, you don’t get it, when i say i am in luv with this fic <33333333 the author is so effortlessly funny, made me cackle multiple times, such a light and enjoyable read <33333 it is some sort of AU within an AU, as the characters we know have different backgrounds/circumstances, for instance, tankhun is not agoraphobic in this, and even some places named differently, but it doesn’t take away from the experience at all, quite the opposite, comes off as refreshing; the story overall is a perfect perfect embodiment of the trope, these versions of kp are so loveable, i am smooching this author’s face with abandon]

Accidental babie acquisition

Dropping a baby off at a mafia compound is a good idea, right? by @lalala53 [it is actually exactly what the title says, short and sweet read, couldn’t pass over the opportunity to rec, luv the trope]

Various in-universe AUs // Canon divergence

Burn Your Name Into My Skin by @everyforkedroad [omg omg omg unexpected but damn pleasant surprise of sub!kinn wrapped into minor fam!bodyguard porsche and general star crossed lovers trope. it was such an entertaining and captivating read: they meet at a sex club, porsche is on a mission for vegas, his boss (i know, just typing this out is something else), and kinn is unsurprisingly hooked. huge rec, thank you author]

take this life and hold it by the hand by @p1n3appl3p3n [if i tell you i was vibrating out of my fucking skin reading this. shaking crying throwing up with giddiness and squealing like a new-born piglet. have seen this rec so many times in people’s bookmarks, and that single goddamn “mpreg” word has deterred me every time. how could have i been so foolish. one of the best fucking things i’ve read lately was hiding in plain sight this whole time. yes, mpreg, but who gives a fuck, if in return you get this..? reconciliation trope of your dreams. i am on my knees for this fic. p.s. i conveniently have an existing h/c for the twins, which despite the fact that canon pair is a boi/gurl set, is still my ironclad image for them, cause have one look at them and tell me these don’t look like porsche’s children]

[N] Let the fire breathe me back to life by @Zeronay [beautiful mess of two besotted idiots going on a mission underprepared and taking a bullet each. short and lovely read]

Mutatis Mutandis by @zipperbiter [daaaaaamn that was <3333 during one of the quiet uneventful family breakfasts tankhun suddenly realizes that a little chaos never killed nobody, and decides to stir these calm waters up a bit by posing quite an interesting question. the bouts of... scientific experimentation... that ensue in order to conclude the experiment, are both extremely skilfully written, and entertaining to boot. very much a rec]

Wicked Game by @Acearcy01 [set in canon and divergent after ep4, someone keeps making attempts on kinn’s life, and he suggests an agreement: porsche will stay for 60 days to try and figure out who is after kinn, in exchange for his complete freedom afterwards. porsche agrees and starts counting the days. he can’t wait to leave this hellhole behind.... right?. there is something about this story.... really liked it, give it a try, if you haven’t read it already]

Burnished night, blood-soaked stars by @The_Old_Astronomer [absolutely lovely and touching missing/alternative scene between kinn getting shot and waking up at the hospital wing, feelings realization, and a bit of a porsche/big reluctant understanding]

quis custodiet ipsos custode by @concernedlily [gosh i luv this author’s style, am sure everyone has already read this, the piece ain’t new, i just... there can never be enough kp desperate for each other’s safety, not in my world]

two hungers are in me, and they drive me forward. i was born to starve by @captainkit [porsche-centric and bitter-sweet, it is painful to get through in places, but porsche is lovely, earnest, bratty, and plenty sad in this. not to mention, hungry throughout. read when in melancholic mood p.s. ngl, the bit where kinn takes him to a cafe for his bday, and there is no cake, made me cry a lil. p.p.s also author compares kinn’s ep 3 dancing to a “drunk uncle at a wedding”, and i’ve literally never have read anything more accurately hilarious]

Outsider perspective

innocent bystanders by @BeStillMySlashyheart [super-entertaining drabble set in AU where kp not only do not hide, but rather flaunt there new relationship in the compound inhabitants’ faces, and porsche’s poor colleagues have to witness their comrade enjoying his honeymoon phase with their own boss in front of their own bleeding eyes. i cackled, tis a rec]

Horror

A Curious Cat by @The_Consulting_Werewolf [whatttttttt...? *just sits there with her jaw slack and mouth slightly open* what exactly.... has transpired here? you know what i ain’t even gonna say nuthin just go read it for yourselves]

Non-mafia AUs

Twelve, Twenty, Almost Thirty by @just2wings [ooohhh no no nooooope sir, nuh-huh, who gave you the right to hit me with all them feels on this fine tuesday evening completely unprovoked....? hell to the no, i demand reparations, wasn’t sufficiently warned about my insides turning all gooey after reading this, the longing, the looooooongiiiiiiingggggggg <333333 ahem, rant over, to the plot: non-mafia AU in which they have actually met once during the childhood, once in college, and now again as adults. and if you haven’t read it yet, you’re missing out big time. i cried]

Punch at First Sight by @Sandee Sing [yaaaaaay, what a ride, such an entertaining AU, porsche is a bar owner, and theerapanyakuls are business moguls. porsche is visiting the mansion on korn’s invitation, when kinn sees him and understandably? mistakes him for a stripper hired by tay as a gift. it spins out from there. i reeeeeeally liked it, absolute rec]

Hot wheels by @tiredfairycake [disabled!porsche in da house, very cute drabble: kinn is stopped in the middle of his early morning stroll through the park by a weirdo chilling on the bench asking to be helped home. kinn is whipped in every universe, which is no surprise to any of us, super sweet read]

Crack

five things gay by @martynaxao3 [if this is crack, then i never want to read anything that is not crack again, love the author, never a miss with them, including this gem: porsche decides to make it his mission to help his confused, lonely boss to figure out his sexuality... the boss, as the whipped idiot that he is, goes along with the plan. entertaining, funny and super hot. much kudosssssss]

#kinnporsche #kinn/porsche #kinnporsche fic rec #kinnporsche fic

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thiefbird · 8 days

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E, n, u for the letters ask please! 🖖

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what?

Yes, but not recently! These were back in early early high school. I wrote a very short, very bad Draco Malfoy/Apple(as in the fruit) fic once. I hope to god it has been lost to time. I will not tell anyone what my fanfiction dot net username was. I also wrote a Doctor Who/Supernatural/Sherlock/X Files/Star Trek: The Original Series/Warehouse 13/The Yellow Submarine(not Beatles RPF because the only character was Jeremy Hillary Boob, PhD aka The Nowhere Man)/Invader Zim crackfic extravaganza in collab with @gabrielnovakgoestomyschool (there may have been another fandom that I forgot). I do not know if it has survived the passage of time. I almost hope it did. They were all in this incredibly Escher-esque grocery store trying to get milk. I guess recently I accidentally wrote "Loghain Mac Tit" instead of "Loghain Mac Tir" when starting a post, took one look at it, and just posted it without further elaboration. I don't know if anyone ELSE thought it was funny, but I definitely did.

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.

Anders - I love an underdog, I love a revolutionary, I love a pathetic tall man who looks like he hasn't slept in a month, I love a man who will make Those Sounds when he kisses me. Also he loves cats and complaining; same, Anders. More seriously, I think he's a deeply misunderstood character by both those around him in canon, by his writing team and Bioware as a whole, and by the general fandom(not any of my beloved mutuals, we are all in the Right About Anders club); despite this, I do think he is a cohesive character. I just don't necessarily think that he is a cohesive character on purpose. I love the implications of his bonding with Justice, and the avenues it opens up for writing. I fully believe that Anders believes that he corrupted Justice into Vengeance, and that Vengeance is a demon; I just don't believe it's true.

Stephen Maturin - Ohhh, Stephen, my beloved. Patrick O'Brian cooked you up in a lab specifically to make me insane (nevermind the fact that I was three years old when he died) - mine is a fated obsession, to the point that I actually had a crazy-dramatic, toxic relationship with an autistic Trinity College naturalist for four and a half years directly out of high school; my brain simply had not fully learned that Stephen Maturin existed (I'd seen the movie once or twice and listened to the soundtrack ad nauseum because of my mother but never payed much attention), and fixated on the next best thing. Here is my Stephen Maturin propaganda: He's a tiny, angry little man who calls animals and friends and his wife alike "honey" and "my dear" and "acushla/a chuisle" (I will never forget the "awwwwwwww" that came from my mouth the one time he called Tom Pullings honey). He calls his best friend "soul" and "joy", and his other best friend "honey-bun". He's an International Super Spy, one of the most effective in the British service, and refuses to be paid for it because he hates tyranny so much (he does not like English colonialism either, but he has decided that England is the best way to beat Napoleon). He's an Irish and Catalan revolutionary (I did say I love a revolutionary), who is somewhat in hiding in the first book because of his associations with The Society of United Irishmen, and therefore connections to the Irish Uprising of 1798. Despite this impressive resume, this man has never met a boat or ship he is not in danger of not falling out of - he has been at sea for the better part of twenty years by the end of the series, and he still must be Carefully Watched to make sure he does not drown, or get soaked through to the skin. He is an acclaimed surgeon, with a miraculous success rate. He is also a renowned natural philosopher who has discovered multiple species, including a giant tortoise. He is the least tidy or fastidious man in all of creation, and is constantly covered in blood and/or winestains and/or crumbs. He pours alcohol over surgical sites not because he knows of germ theory, but because he thinks it'll help with pain. The only non-familial friend he's had longer than Jack Aubrey(who lives longer than the first book. Sorry James, ily) is Adhemar de la Mothe, a known and flamboyantly queer Parisian. He regularly says that he does not see the harm in sodomy so long as no one is harassing the ship's boys, and that anything that adds more love to the world seems a good thing. He loses his mind over a woman, and the more awful she is to him the more he loses it.

Speaking of Diana Villiers - Oh, Diana. I am fully in understanding with Stephen over you. A beautiful, headstrong woman who can ride better than most men, stuck in the most boring atmosphere of Southern England with her aunt and cousins after the death of her husband and her father both made her leave India - I cannot blame her for many of her actions. Diana is a fascinating character, and to me she is proof of Patrick O'Brian's writing ability. Most authors of Men Go To War books don't really seem to know how to write women very well (C.S. Forester I am looking at you. I do not know who Maria is outside of her fawning over Hornblower), but Diana is a fully fledged person from the moment we meet her setting her horse over a gate, despite the fact that we never see any of the events of the twenty books through her eyes. Not only is she a fully realised character, but she is one that shows his understanding of the setting he writes in. Diana Villiers is coping with grief - not only grief for her husband and her father, but for her independence. Her life in India, keeping house for her father from her mid-teens, would have been almost as different as one can imagine from the life of a poor relation take in on charity by a widowed aunt. She feels stifled in the English countryside, forced to play second fiddle to her cousins in order to keep the peace and a roof over her head. I cannot blame her for toying with men's hearts as a source of entertainment. Going into keeping with Canning is Diana's attempt to regain at least some measure of independence, and it is successful, to some extent. She has money, she is back in a country she finds familiar and exciting - but she also has a jealous, suspicious lover who employs their servants as spies to watch her activities, and little company because she is herself a scandal. Stephen's proposal offers her a way out of her situation; it also, to her, seems like a loss of freedom, not only because Stephen loves her, but also because she loves him, and that terrifies her. So she instead runs away with Johnson to America. Johnson, of course, is worse than Canning, and she leaves him temporarily, but then her freedom in England is threatened, again, this time by suspicions of intelligence work (I always wonder just how she got tied up so tightly in Mrs Wogan's subterfuge; did Johnson have something to do with it?), and surprise! Johnson is there to whisk her away from the danger. But he's worse still, and Stephen manages to intervene(yay Stephen) and get her away and back to Europe. This just keeps happening. Diana wants something that is almost entirely impossible for a woman in the period she lives in: liberty. Anything that could interfere with her freedom and independence is avoided at any cost - even her own feelings for Stephen. Especially her feelings for Stephen. She also, to me as someone with BPD/cPTSD now pretty well in remission, reads as a very empathetic and accurate portrayal of someone with BPD/cPTSD. Personally I think Being A Woman In The Late 1700s is enough reason on its own to have it(and we don't know enough of Diana's life before the Peace of Amiens to speculate on other Sources Of Trauma other than the death of her husband and father), but a lot of her hot-and-cold feels so familiar to me. She can be so cruel, and mean it fully in the moment she's saying it, but almost immediately regret her cruelty while still doubling down because she feels she has no other options.

Wow. This got really long. I hope everyone enjoys my Aubreyad Opinions Of The Day

#ask game #thiefbird speaks

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shuttershocky · 1 year

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So, how did being Dad to a Boy for five days straight go?

I've been replaying it while on holiday for the Lunar New Year, yeah.

I've always had complicated feelings towards God of War 2018. Hack and Slash / Character Action is my favorite genre of action games so to see the most established western hack and slash move away from that in favor of Dad of Boy's really slow combat with the camera SO DAMN CLOSE TO HIS SHOULDERS like we're playing Resident Evil 4 and seeing websites calling it an upgrade to more "thoughtful" combat really grinds my gears.

I also disliked how Dad of Boy feels so affected by modern AAA game design's obsession with RPGs. There are RPG elements now where equipment has stats to min-max. Every battle ends with XP GAINED on the right side of the screen. There's a leveling system based on the overall strength of your equipment that I really, really hate because it's not actually based on the strength of your equipment, but each equipment's "level" factor (for example, an accessory with worse stats but a higher rarity will give a bigger boost in level than a lower rarity accessory with better stats), and this matters because rather than a measure of how powerful you are, enemy behavior changes depending on the level gap. If an enemy is 3 levels above you with a purple health bar, their attacks deal more damage and become unblockable, rather than their difficulty being based entirely on the raw difference in your stats. I would ignore that anyway and take on some purple HP bar opponents if I could, but coming back to an encounter later with a higher level and seeing an enemy I couldn't defeat literally have behavior changed to become way easier after I caught up in levels (suddenly their unblockable attacks become parryable!) was fucking bullshit. The difference in strength from a level gap should be the strength in levels, not having attacks changed to become easier if you've caught up. Fuck.

That being said, I actually like the story direction Dad of Boy takes, which was many old fans' complaints about the game. They're always like "It takes itself too seriously now, Kratos isn't any fun anymore" okay but the very premise of Dad of Boy is fascinating. The young Kratos would literally grab a random woman fleeing the wrath of the gods and throw her into some gears to keep the gates from closing, the fact that they made God of War 2018 a sequel and not a reboot, where the shadow of Kratos' actions in Greece that led to the destruction of the Greek pantheon and the death of the entire country haunts him, is so damn cool.

I just really, really love the concept of seeing THE Hyper-Murder Man resurface years later as a father and be forced to confront that his sweet-natured son Atreus, who he thought took entirely after his mother, turn out to have the same violent temper and arrogance that he once did.

Sure, Zeus and the Greek gods had it coming the way Odin and the rest of the Aesir currently have it coming, but Kratos recognizing the soul-crushing pain his path of vengeance took him through and wanting to save his son from that, and yet not having the emotional intelligence to connect to Atreus, finally gives him a Herculean battle that he can't solve with his fists.

Shut up about Sony specializing in movie games for a second, Kratos is terrified by seeing even a little bit of himself inside his son, but the only tool he has in this fight is martial discipline because being a Spartan is the only form of self-control he's ever known. Yes ,Dad of Boy being ashamed of God of War the video game sucks, but Kratos being ashamed of being the God of War as soon as he loves someone and sees it affect them is so damn interesting. Control the God of War in his son? Kratos can barely control himself. You wonder where the old Kratos went and then if you stun a Wulver and go for the instant kill Kratos grabs the werewolf by the jaw and rips it in half while building Spartan Rage and you're like "Ah he's right here"

I just really, really like the idea of doing something so ambitious with such an established character with years of history behind him. Old man fueled by parental love really wants to break the cycle of violence when he can't stop breaking necks is an idea I'll always get hooked on.

Plus, Kratos has the smartest man in the world's head hanging from his belt trying to give him dad advice in between telling him the undead are all coming from his left. That's pretty funny.

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durrtydawg · 6 months

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20 fanfic questions!!

thank for the tag, lovely <3 @cchickki

How many works do you have on AO3?

6! Far more unpublished though.

2. What's your total AO3 words count?

out of those published: 60,723

3. What fandoms do you write for?

uncharted. whoops.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Wine, Wine, Whine. I Think We've Got Chemis-tree, The Sadir Inheritance, A Taste of your Own, Best Served Cold

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try!! Nothing makes me feel happier than seeing that people have enjoyed my stuff so much they feel inclined to actually tell me?? If I ever don't reply, it's honestly because I'm overwhelmed, or have imposter syndrome... on my own writing? Hmm.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oh god. tbh none of my ao3 ones are particularly angsty. Best Served Cold is probably the closest because of ✨vengeance✨, but I've got a fair few angsty fics unpublished.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

deffo I Think We've Got Chemis-tree. It's just silly feel-good fluff and very 'fanfictiony' if you get what I mean. Not my fave, but people seem to love it for some reason :')

8. Do you get hate on fics?

HA. Luckily, I've managed to steer clear from any hate with my Sam stuff, which is probably down to the niche-ness of the fandom, but I used to get a LOOOT when i wrote TWD stuff back in the day. And it was pretty much always due to me using British english spelling & lingo rather than US. Yawn.

9. Do you write smut. If so what kind?

Abso-fucking-lutely. I think the stuff I've published is pretty tame tbh... compared to what I'm too frightened to post because I'm sick in the head <3. I love giggly, fluffy smut, but hey. I also love stuff that verges on dead dove. Come at me with asks on the matter. I'm game.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Nope. Tbh I don't like anything enough to do crossovers, but ig it's not out of the question.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Again, this fandom is so small, I feel like it'd be blatantly obvious if it had been. I think I saw something a while back that made me raise my brow at the similarity, but to say it was stolen may be a bit far-fetched.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! I had an old TWD series of mine translated... twice?!

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

I had a friend once who asked me to beta her fic, and it ended up becoming a total 50/50 collaboration, so yeah! Again, it was TWD.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Pfft. I really don't have one. (I'm a disgusting, delusional self-shipper.)

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

ARGH I really want to continue with The Sadir Inheritance, but it's so time consuming, and it takes me about a month to write a very basic request, let alone take care of my fic-baby. I really really like it and have SOO many ideas, so maybe it's overly pessimistic to say I won't ever finish it. But the fandom may be extinct by the time I do :')

16. What are your writing strengths?

Apparently I'm good at dialogue and characterisation? That's unhealthy obsession, bay-bee!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Anything emotional, I think. I enjoy writing the conversational side of things, and am a very humour-centric person, so find it hard to make things perfectly angsty/sad when they need to be. Though I still write it! I'm just not all that confident.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Hell yeah. Just make sure it's accurate to avoid offence/severe cringe. I wouldn't personally do it unless I was completely certain it fit.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

the walking deadddd

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Out of those I've published? Probably the Best Served Cold/A Taste of Your Own duo. It was a lot of fun to write, and allowed me to add a relatively solid plot to something raunchy- though, the alternative ending to ATOYO is better, and I wish I posted it first, because I want more people to see it sksks. You live and learn.

I won't tag anyone- but would looove any of my moots to do this. It was fun!!

#tag game

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loveoaths · 1 year

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imagine maul somehow getting leia as an apprentice. like. instead of (or after!) the stupid kidnapping thing in kenobi, maul kidnaps her (yes kenobi “killed” him on tattooine, yes he’s back somehow like palpatine, no he doesn’t explain how) for some criminal plot then quickly realizes this upstart little tart is force sensitive, powerfully so, in a subtler way than he’s used to. of course maul’s greedy ass is like MWAHAHA YEEEEES I HAVE YOU NOW, MY NEW APPRENTICE! and then proceeds to get his entire ass emotionally bitch-slapped by a ten year old girl, repeatedly, for the next ten years until ANH happens.

secondary pitch: maul is captured by the empire. he meets reva, a young inquisitor in training, and quickly realizes they share the same burning hatred for the emperor, vader, and kenobi. he convinces her that vader likely already knows her tricks and that she won’t get vengeance through compliance, but if she frees him he can help her. she breaks him out of jail and they become master-apprentice (except not really because she won’t accept being his apprentice). somehow they wind up kidnapping leia for some reason but again, realize she’s force sensitive too, and decide that the cruelest thing they could do to kenobi is to use her against him. they train leia and try to turn her to the dark side, but leia is leia and she ain’t doing nothing for nobody if it doesn’t match her morals/isn’t something she believes in. idk where this goes from here but i’m obsessed with these three going on the galaxy’s worst roadtrip feat. yelling about kenobi being their enemy, only to get DBT therapy from a ten year old who tells them actually it sounds like they’re projecting blame onto someone convenient and punishable (ben) whereas their real problems are with the empire, vader, and the emperor. leia manages to somehow get these two ornery dark siders to return to alderaan and pseudo-join the rebellion. tbh this was supposed to be a story where leia goes dark but i really think she’d wind up half-converting reva and maul instead

#nobody can fix maul but bail; breha; and leia could get close #and Reva would fulfil some of his need to have his circumstances understood #bc at this point Reva has been trained by Vader and other inquisitors for awhile so she’s suffered there too #they are NOT found family they are coworkers with a weird commiseration and a begrudging respect for the galaxy’s mightiest 10 year old #maul tells himself he’s turning leia dark to spite kenobi when in actuality it’s the first time he’s been close to the light and not beenu #utterly repelled by it #because leia is a fire. she can warm she can destroy she can intimidate she can save she can cleanse wounds and she can feed the soul #she can also ruin everything you’ve ever lived in minutes #she’s fierce and bulldoggish but caring and strong #and i think maul would admire and respect that #and also frankly be amazed that someone like that could be produced by the ‘light’/the organas #and that intrigue would give the organas an inroad into making him be less terrible and sit the fuck down for family dinner #bc you are invited maul. you have a seat at the table. you just have to take it.#godDAMN I think I just talked myself into this idea and shipping bail/maul/breha. ok then.#walkie talkie.#darth maul #reva sevander #leia organa #rarepair tag.#rarepair of the day.

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taleof2cities-itsus · 13 hours

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so I legit forgot how obsessed I am with these lyrics: what’s your favorite??? Lmk 😉

Look Self-awareness, pride's a coat, and yes, I like to wear it Buttoned up, don't like to let no air in With a pair of gloves that I hope doesn't perish I discovered, though, when I get holes in them And I let joy in, I'm in higher spirits My mistakes are like a screamin' parrot Just repeating lyrics, I can barely bear it when I'm lost

Road is narrow, I'm lookin' down it like a gun's barrel Aren't we all searchin' for the serum That could help us breathe and leave our state of peril? All of us have made defensive scarecrows That we scatter 'round our fields and treat like heroes When they scare away the things that we should cherish 'Cause we're too embarrassed to admit the fear is that we're lost

Yeah, but what does it matter? I get so combative Inside of me's a personal canvas, the paint can be splattered Get messy when I start to get rattled The heart of a savage, I'm quiet when I lurk in the shadows But somethin' don't add up, I don't wanna be overdramatic But look at the data, it's obvious that humans are fragile We tend to get mad at the ones that call us out But the fact is we need someone that'll be honest when we fly off the handle

I admit I throw a fit when I begin to unravel Keep my wits, been off the grid but now I'm back in the saddle My intent is not to rent, I like to own what I value I could sit here on the fence or maybe pick up the paddle I like to row against the current, that's the way that I travel Opposite of what the grain does, got the brain of a rebel Take initiative, I'm diligent on every level I never could settle, I like to keep my foot on the pedal, yeah

I'd love to pack arenas and all But what I really wanna do is learn to handle my thoughts And put the reins on 'em, show 'em I'm the one that's the boss And pull 'em back when they get out of hand, I'm breakin' they jaws I'm takin' the flaws that told me I could never evolve Then pull a Bane on 'em, ask 'em, "Oh, you think you're in charge?" You oughta know better, ain't no way around it, I'm flawed The traits that I want, they say I can't afford what it cost

But I (I), manifested this Failing's how you grow and learn your lessons, kids Take the worst and try to make the best of it 'Cause when you fail, just know that it's a test and if You can learn to pick yourself back up again And train your brain to not be such a pessimist It's okay to make mistakes, just don't forget that There's a high road but I skip the exit when I'm lost

Yeah When I'm lost When I'm lost (lost) When I'm lost When I'm lost (lost), lost

Wow, these burdens are heavy And I'm hopin' it don't bury me I used to be joyful and skip so merrily But now I'm too cautious and tip toe carefully My mind left and it's nowhere to be found Am I a big old parody? 'Cause it's no fair to me And now I'm at the point where I'm spending a grand a week on hypnotherapy

Look, I'm tryna wash away my sins I got a group of loved ones that ain't my friends And if I ever take an L, then they might grin And they all wanna see me stay in the cage I'm in So when it comes to anybody, there's no trust for no one Man, so what? My whole plan's to go nuts My shoulders ready for more shrugs, I'm gon' judge Anybody tryna enter my circle with no love (hold up)

My sanity's gone, I'd rather be torn from this planet they planted me on Yes, that's a reward, I'm actually bored with having a sore heart It's torn apart from a family that I don't have anymore (now hol' up) I was livin' so oblivious with millions, it really was a pity, huh? (A pity, huh?) It's kinda funny what a penny does, mixed in with a mini buzz (I feel stuck)

Life's got me by the neck, with a blade against it (what?) 'Cause I was runnin' late for the train and missed it (what?) The only thing I feel is pain and vengeance (what?) So I'ma act out like a raging misfit (what?) And every verse I lay gon' stay sadistic (yeah) You wanna hate me? Good, great, terrific (good) You'll never see the day where my anger's dismissed You better go and change your wishlist 'cause I

Yeah, manifested this Do not treat me like some adolescent kid I am praying to the Lord with the book of James Hopin' he gon' add my testament This dark cloud, that's my residence Demons knockin', I don't have to let 'em in I done made mistakes, day to day, you probably can't relate I just ain't the same when I'm lost

Yeah When I'm lost (when I'm, yeah) When I'm lost (lost) When I'm lost When I'm lost (lost), lost

#lost #lyrics i love #all of them #lmk #pretty pleeeeease #messgae me

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pix3lplays · 3 months

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Update

Ok we’ll call this the…1,263 follower special haha-

Um so I was randomly teleported back to being a goofy middle schooler with a crippling obsession with Kingdom Hearts. I had the backpack, all the games, I knew ALL the lore…I had kingdom hearts earrings I bought from hot topic…I’m sure I still have them somewhere haha…

And admittedly I don’t remember every little thing NOW haha but my strong fondness for Organization XIII is like…back with a vengeance…so. Ok. I’m just gonna do it. Kingdom Hearts requests are gonna temporarily open because it’s my blog and that’s what I wanna write haha…ok the characters I’ll write for will have to be all my old loves um…

Xemnas obviously, Xigbar, Saïx (ugh I love him), Axel of course, Vexen (lOOK- I KNOW but there’s just Something about him-), and Marluxia (I have never turned down a pretty flower man…)

But yeah if anyone has a Kingdom Hearts request for me I would be very appreciative!! And yes I AM working on requests still, I know it’s silly to ask for more but I am actually obsessed and I need to get the obsession out somehow-

Thank you!!

#pixel says stuff sometimes #kingdom hearts #Kingdom Hearts x reader #KH x reader #Organization XIII #Organization XIII x reader #it’s crazy I know but #just lemme have this-

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darklydeliciousdesires · 1 year

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From Blood, Love and Courage - Chapter Nineteen.

So, guys. We’re almost at the end of the story, the next chapter seeing us to the close. I’ve really enjoyed writing this and want to thank you all for your devotion to engaging with it :) you make it worth the effort. 30 notes will be to unlock the last part!

Previous chapters - One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve Thirteen Fourteen Fifteen Sixteen Seventeen Eighteen

Words - 4,560

Tag list - In the comments, please message to be added/removed

Warnings - 18+ content throughout, minors DNI!

“Cage!”

“Yes, that’s your cage.”

“Charlie cage!”

“Uh huh.”

“Asshole!”

Taza snorted with laughter, shaking his head and feeding the bird another dried raisin. “You’re still not fond of Hank then, huh?” He was taking five minutes to breathe, after lugging boxes all morning into Angel and Lily’s new abode, a mere three weeks after they’d found it. The landlady had said she’d wanted someone in the property as soon as possible, Angel making that happen by paying an extra month on his former residence, Lily’s too in lieu of giving more reasonable notice, meaning the amazing three-bedroom home they’d found had become theirs with the kind of speed he was seeking it to. He needed something to keep her mind off the whole Johnny Boswell debacle, Lily becoming very frustrated over the fact her vengeance upon him would be delayed in the coming.

“Glasses!” Charlie chirped, ambling close.

“No, stop that.” he scolded, jerking his head away from the beak that came into his peripheral vision, the bird obsessed as ever with his eyewear. Following Angel and Hank inside, he watched them place the cage down over in the corner, where Lily had designated for it to be put, the lady herself currently making another trip from her apartment, Jodie following in her car, both of the vehicles once again loaded to the brim. “Go on in there, then.” He spoke, opening the cage and crouching slightly for Charlie to scamper off.

“No!”

“Charlie,” Angel warned, pointing. “Don’t you be sassy!”

“Fuck you!”

“Hey, don’t you make me use your government name, get in the damned cage.”

Taza couldn’t help but laugh.

“Charlie Horacio Armstrong, get in there, now!” Angel pointed, raising his eyebrows. “I ain’t playing, homeslice.”

“Charlie’s a good boy.” Off he hopped, Taza shutting him in, the bird looking around before beginning to preen himself.

“He’s been mad about it all morning,” Angel spoke, lifting his black vest up and wiping his clammy face on it. “He hates having his routine messed with.”

“Yeah, he doesn’t like change, do you, bird?” He received a disgruntled squark in reply, laughing softly through his nose. “Alright, what’s next?”

“Kitchen stuff.” Off they went to the van. Most of the bigger items of furniture had arrived way earlier, Angel hiring a U-Haul for that job, the couple deciding to get rid of his couch and armchair since Lily’s were newer and a little bigger, much too large for her former apartment, he’d always thought, but looked great in the lounge of their new home.

Once Lily had arrived back, she began unpacking a few bits and pieces in the kitchen, turning the fridge on (thank goodness it came with the property, as Angel’s was on the way out and hers didn’t belong to her and had stayed at the old apartment) and putting away the two boxes of beer within it she’d bought for the guys, hearing a clicking noise approaching.

“Hey Lily! Is leopard my colour? Look man, I think I pull these off!” Coco called, entering the kitchen, walking with careful, exaggerated steps, wearing a pair of her very high heeled sandals.

“Take those off!”

“Nah, chica, I like ‘em! I need a little height! Hey yo, Jodie! Toss me that!” he walked out again, Lily hearing Angel snorting with laughter, Coco then turning back to her, wearing one of her wide brimmed hats and a pair of her sunglasses. “You can’t tell me I ain’t pretty when you know damned well that I am!”

“You look ridiculous,” Angel laughed, shaking his head, giving him a playful kick up the ass, Coco’s arms flailing at high speed as he tried to regain his balance.

“Damn, how’d you girls do this? It's like being on stilts!” he exclaimed, coming back into the kitchen, Jodie coming up behind him and grabbing his hips, giving him a good dry hump.

“Yeah, that look is really doing it for me, baby,” she announced, smacking his ass for good measure, Angel, Lily and Taza falling apart completely.

“To answer your question, they don’t. They get a few hours in and complain, the shoes come off, and then you have a wailing drunk chick on your back with her shoes in one hand and her purse in the other at 2am,” Angel replied, pulling a face at Lily as she scowled. “What? You did that last Friday, both you and your little friend here complaining about numb toes, me and my brother having to carry you both to the next bar.”

Laughter abounded, but no more so than at Coco, still trying to balance, walking around bow legged, his arms wide and windmilling.

“Coco, you should probably know the last time I had those shoes on was when your friend over there was piledriving me against the bedroom door. Left some really nice heel dents in his butt cheeks, too,” Lily informed him lightly, leaning against the fridge with a raised eyebrow, Angel winking at her. That had been a fun night.

His face was aghast. “Oh god, no!” The shoes were kicked off at speed. “I’ve probably got scabies now or some shit!”

“Honey, that’s a skin disease that dogs get,” Jodie informed him, lifting a heavy bottomed casserole dish from a box and placing it down on the island.

“Exactly!” Coco shouted, walking past Angel, getting clipped around the head for it. He and Taza headed back to Angel’s old place in the van, Jodie going out to the curb when Hank called for her, EZ returned from his trip from there in the U-Haul.

“You gotta go back to your old place again?” Angel asked, draping an arm around her shoulder, Lily moving to snuggle him.

“Nope, all done and keys returned. It was a little sad, saying goodbye to it, but damn, I’m loving all this space we have now.” Their new abode was definitely a lot bigger than either was used to, about three times the size of Angel’s old place, and Lily’s old apartment could fit in the space of the new lounge and kitchen alone. It also had something else neither was used to, being a bungalow and an apartment dweller respectively; an upstairs.

It was where they moved to later that day after everyone had left, just Lily and Angel putting their new bed up, the latter cursing a hell of a lot at the screws, doing the completely standard male thing and abandoning the instructions that came with it, deciding that the black iron, four poster canopy bed wouldn’t be all too challenging. What kept him going through his annoyance was the thought of tying Lily to it. After all, that was exactly why she’d chosen it.

It had been a month since their sex life had resumed, and now almost three since her attack. She still suffered nightmares because of it, probably about two per week, but knowing that at least two of the men who had done what they did to her were dead and gone went a long way to helping her heal from it. For everything else, she had Angel. He had to remind himself sometimes, that she was still on a long road, little instances taking him by surprise when he inadvertently freaked her out.

“Oh fuck, sorry, sorry,” he apologised later that evening, while they were fetching groceries from the local market, needing a break from unpacking. He’d approached her without word, putting his hand on her shoulder, Lily throwing the box of cereal she’d been holding into the air in fright. He’d very neatly caught the Cheerio's mid-air, though, placing them into the cart, Lily steadying herself with a couple of deep breaths.

“it’s okay, I just... I get spooked out sometimes,” she lamented, feeling herself begin to calm again. Being alone was still something she wasn’t a hundred percent comfortable with where going out was concerned, her habits changed slightly. Angel now came with her to the store, she could only manage short walks to places on her own, and if she was in the house by herself, she always kept her gun close by. It was taking a while for her to iron out her issue that she was capable of looking after herself, that confidence in her ability to do just that still lacking, even with her return to training as of a week ago.

He smiled weakly, kissing her head. “I know, and I need to remember that. I think I get distracted by how well you’re doing in other respects.” It was a complex field to navigate, knowing that whereas he could hold her down by her neck and pound the living hell out of her in the middle of the bed and she’d be absolutely fine with it, if he didn’t announce his presence when walking up to her from behind, he’d likely startle her. She had her moments of finding herself again, though, and his pride grew with every one of them. Take the previous week, for instance, when overheard her giving some guy at the yard an absolute tirade over his repeated haggling with her over the price of iron, demanding to speak to a man.

‘Motherfucker, as far as you’re concerned, I am the damned man, and if you don’t want what we’re offering then feel free to pack your shit up and drive on over to the next nearest scrapyard, which is twenty miles north of here. Up to you, but I don’t have all day to deal with you and your fucking chauvinism.’ Oh yes, he’d been very proud, standing outside of the office and hearing that, grinning widely as he’d eavesdropped.

The man had then gone right out to Bishop to complain about the ‘rude woman on reception’ calling him a chauvinist and a motherfucker, Bishop smiling with amusement before telling him that maybe, he shouldn’t have treated her like a chauvinistic motherfucker if he didn’t want to be called out as one. He’d of course believed Lily’s side of it.

“What are we doing for dinner, getting something here or ordering takeout?” she asked, throwing a very large bag of oats into the cart before turning the aisle, Angel grabbing a few boxes of granola bars and placing those in, too.

Right on cue, he yawned. “I’m not down for anything that doesn’t involve opening the door, taking a box and sitting down on the couch again.”

“Pizza it is. I’m picking up ice cream while I’m here, though. I might want to let it melt on your chest later and lick it off.” The way he did a double take and rapid eyebrow raise had her in utter hysterics. It felt good, to be sexually playful with him again, since she knew he very much thrived on it. Not necessarily having ice cream eaten off him, but he loved it when she flirted with him, whether casually or covertly. Just like she did the following evening.

“Baby, you up or down?” he called, entering the house and not immediately being able to locate her.

“I’m in the mood for doing both.” Walking around from her concealed place behind the kitchen door, she revealed herself, standing there in deep red satin underwear, and a very suggestive smile.

Angel didn’t speak for a few seconds, his breath held fast, eyebrows rising. “Well, god damn.”

Her smile grew wider. “The exact reaction I was looking for.”

“Oh, sexy assed mamacita of mine,” he began, shrugging his kutte off and placing it over the arm of the chair. “That ain’t my reaction.”

She raised an eyebrow. “It isn’t?”

“Nah.” He advanced on her quickly, making her squeal. “This is my fucking reaction.” He lifted her as he ran her back into the kitchen, placing her atop the island as they enjoyed a heated exchange of kisses, hands stroking her smooth, pale skin. “Fuck, I want you so badly.” He groaned, her fingers unfastening the buttons of his dark blue denim shirt as he pulled her underwear off, her legs entwining around his waist while he freed his cock, Angel immediately sinking into her, her moan pouring from her lips to his as he bit her cupids bow, tongue snaking with hers, hands tangling in her hair. “You’re so fucking sexy, and I love you so damned much.”

Those words went right to where his cock arrowed into the silky heat of her, her hands grasping his shoulders as she panted, overcome by the pressure of him dragging her walls, the passion of him, the heat of the moment. His language of love was steeped in frequent verbal declarations, but the physical is where he thrived, Angel craving the intimacy of such almost as much as the sexual thrill, the need to ascend to the edges of heaven, and take her with him while he did.

To have that side of their relationship resumed in full swing again was exhilarating for her, to feel so wanted and desired, everything within that had been so tainted now back to blooming wildly with erotic incandescence. Shrugging himself out of his shirt and kicking off the rest of his clothes, he unfastened her bra, yanking it off and with a splayed hand to her chest, the metal of his heavy rings cool against her hot skin, kissing a blazing constellation over her tits, sucking on her nipples as he gripped her thighs, slowing his thrusts down, but daggering her hard, forcing each feral wail from her throat as she tightened around him.

“Yeah, look at you take that dick. Fuck, you look so hot.” he praised, pulling her legs over his shoulders as he watched himself sinking in and out of her, his shaft covered in the silky gloss of her arousal, the sight transfixing. He felt her flutter on him, knowing she keened for more friction, speeding back up again until she was screaming, hands clutching his forearms as her nails dug in.

“Oh my god, fuck me, ohhh!” And oh, how he did. He pounded her on the island until she came so hard, she couldn’t speak in the aftermath, his own undoing leaving him trembling pleasantly, resting his head down against her heaving chest. “Fuck, I’m so dick drunk.” she panted, Angel snorting with laughter.

“You gon’ be steaming by the end of the evening, then.” She was, too. They ate, watched a movie, shared a joint and then, Angel had her bent over the arm of the couch, pounding her vigorously,

“You’ve fucking put numbing cream on, haven’t you?” she groaned, her body trembling to orgasm number two.

“Yup” he admitted, grinning as he grasped the back of her neck, his other hand striking her butt in a hard, hard spank. “And you’re gonna lie there and love every second of taking it until you can’t walk, querida.” Keeping Lily happy; it was number one on his agenda, ever since she’d learned she would have to wait to get her revenge on the last remaining gutter dweller who had raped her.

In some ways, he was glad that her fear, sadness and trauma had given way to anger, but in others, he saw very clearly that if she focused upon it too much, it would begin to poison her. He was able to separate that within himself, bide his time, it was, after all, part of being an outlaw. He could hang onto his need for vengeance until the time was right. Lily, though? She was understandably frustrated by it, and it was slowly bleeding further into her thoughts. While he watched her make amazing progress with her recovery, he also witnessed that need to remove the very last physical factor in what had happened to her take over at times.

“Sweet pea, it’s dark, you only just got back from training, too. Come on, give it a rest for the night,” he called to her from the back door, watching her beat the hell out of the freestanding punching man she’d bought, her foot hitting the chest, shoulder and head in quick succession, spinning off her foot and landing a kick from her other leg straight into its face.

“Nah, I’m good.” Except he knew very well that she wasn’t. He wasn’t about to argue with her about it, though. At least she was venting it out, he had to concede. He was just concerned with exactly how much venting she was doing.

Coming into the office at the yard the following morning, he was trying to find Taza, wanting to pull him aside and talk with him about it, get a little perspective from his wise VP. What he found though was hilarity, courtesy of Bishop and Charlie.

“Sorry, excuse me,” Bishop spoke to the man on the other side of the counter, turning to Charlie, who was sitting on his shoulder, yelling utter nonsense. “What do you want, what?”

More nonsense.

“Snacks? You want food, alright, hold on.” He rifled around the desk, looking for his snack box, finding it and pulling out an almond. Charlie took it, and then promptly hurled it onto the floor. “Alright, your Tigger toy? Here it is, you want this?” More frantic jabbering ensured, Angel going over eventually, tapping his shoulder.

“C’mon, homie. Quit your sass.” Immediately, the bird settled, beginning to groom his beard.

“The hell was all that about?” Bishop inquired, raising an eyebrow.

“You know when Cady is overtired and goes nuts? He’s the same, gets all spicy when he doesn’t nap, don’t you?”

“Spicy!” Charlie squawked softly, shaking his head, pushing it beneath Angel’s hand when he petted him.

“I’ll get him out of here.” Bishop thanked him, Angel leaving the office. “Such a G, Charlie, with your shouting and shit.” he laughed, the bird pacified for his presence, settling as he walked over to the clubhouse, finding Taza outside, done for the day, enjoying a cold beer. He followed his eyes over to the side of EZ’s trailer, where Lily was beating the shit out his punchbag, taking the time from her lunchbreak to do so.

“It’s good to see her returning to form, isn’t it?” He gestured towards her, Lily spinning and landing a flying head kick, the bag bearing the brunt with a loud thud.

Angel scratched his beard, taking a seat beside him. “Hmm, I’m not so sure.” Taza raised an eyebrow of inquiry, reaching to ruffle Charlie’s chest feathers, the bird scampering onto his arm and walking up to his shoulder. “It’s all this shit with Johnny, having her chance to get even delayed. She’s pissed as hell about it, and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t give me concerns. I mean, is it healthy, that level of rage, where she’s training three times a damned day just to try and get it out of her? I guess at least she is letting it out, but you know what I mean.”

Taza was contemplative for a few seconds, before he cleared his throat. “Was it healthy for her to be as traumatised and frightened as she was? I’d count that as a very hard no. I think that you are perhaps being a little hypersensitive in wanting to protect her. Her emotions, she has to deal with them as they come to her.

“We’ve seen many so far since her attack, and helped her move through them as she’s learned to process, to deal with everything in the wake of it, what it left her with. We’re now at the angered, venomous stage. And we help her move through it, just like we did when she was frightened and small, when she physically clung to us for support and comfort. Once she gets her shot at him, she’ll be fine. I firmly believe she’ll be able to put it to bed once she knows we’ve put his body in an unmarked grave.”

Angel nodded, a crease still denting his brow. “That’s something else I’m kinda struggling with. He deserves it, no questions there. But her handing it to him... I dunno, man. I want her to, but I don’t at the same time. With us, we know it comes with who we are. We’re outlaws, murderers by default. I can kill someone and usually not think twice about it, same for the rest of us, but Lily? She ain’t a killer.”

“She could be, not even in this context.” He inclined his head, Angel looking over to where she rained round kicks upon the punchbag. “One of those kicks to the head with the power that girl has within her, she could easily kill someone and not even mean to, so what if she means to? You sound like you’re scared it might change her. What Johnny put her through already has. See, that’s the thing about Lily; the only constant in her life has been change, and to survive, she has to adapt to it as she sees fit. From beating down other kids who tried to bully her in group homes, to now killing her last surviving rapist, it’s what she has to do in order to adapt to, and ultimately move past the change forced upon her.”

Angel picked at his thumbnail, pulling the cigarette he had from behind his ear and lighting it, making a mental note to go buy a couple more packs. “You’re right, shit man. You are.” He shook his head, sighing, marvelling at the way Taza had such a sight for these things, how well he knew Lily, too. Then again, reading people was always his strong point. “I just gotta let her get on with it, then.”

“You do,” Taza confirmed, smiling widely when he saw Lily approaching. “Nice form, kid.”

“Thanks, I like to think the break didn’t hamper me too much,” she confirmed, leaning down to give Angel a big kiss. “I’m going to shower and get back to work.”

“I’m gonna try like fuck not to join you.”

Lily raised her eyebrows, smiling suggestively. “Don’t try too hard.” She sauntered into the clubhouse, Angel turning rapidly to look at Taza.

He rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “Go on, I’ll look after the bird.” Angel was out of his seat in less than two seconds. Even though it was her idea, he saw it as a good way to furtherly keep her happy. Maybe if he left her blissed out enough on an orgasm, her day wouldn’t end in her going to training and then hitting her own punchbag again as soon as she arrived home. It was all about little distractions, pacifying the rage he knew kept a hold of her tightly, if she let herself think on it too much. It was also being tough with her at times, for her own good.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Lily exclaimed the following morning, Angel taking her phone from her after he’d seen what she was viewing. Johnny’s Instagram, his stories full of training videos, her face sour at witnessing him enjoying his time out in Thailand without a care in the world. He knew it stung her, of course, it did.

“Trying to stop you from making this worse on yourself,” he began, sliding her phone into the pocket of his kutte, reaching to stroke her face. “Baby, you gotta stop. It’s eating you up, probably just as much as what he did to you, too. You’ll get your chance, but until then you need to quit watching him like a hawk. You know what I’m saying makes sense.”

Her immediate thought was to yell at him, feeling as if he were treating her like a child, her face reflecting as much, until she forced herself to be thoughtful. No matter how much she didn’t like it, he was right. She was torturing herself. She began nodding. “Okay,” she breathed, resting her hands on his waist. “I see the point you’re making, I do. It’s just hard, now that I know it was him, everything swirling around inside of me.”

He was sympathetic to that. Of course, he’d suffered the same. He was better at controlling it all, though, for the final outcome. It came with being an outlaw. “I know, querida. I know. Just imagine how it’ll be when you finally do get to take him down, though. Motherfucker ain’t gonna know what’s hit him.”

Lily let him carry on that afternoon minding her phone for her, but of course there would be times over the coming weeks when he wouldn’t always be there to do such. Just like one instance the day after Lily knew Johnny would be landing on US soil again.

Angel had been out on a run for the last two days, arriving home at just gone midnight, to a sight that at first, flooded him with panic. The lounge was in semi-disarray, the kitchen even worse after he’d carefully made his way through, broken glasses and plates littering the floor, and Lily sitting in the middle of it all, wide eyed, trembling, looking like she was pulsing with nothing but pure rage.

“Sweet pea, what the fuck happened?” he asked quietly, his boots crunching over the broken glass, noticing her feet were cut open in several places. She’d literally gone berserk. Crouching at her side, he wondered at first whether she’d gone into shutdown, her huge blue eyes unblinking, not reacting to his presence.

“They got him.”

He was confused for a second, not putting two and two together. “Who?”

Her phone was in her hand, Lily unlocking the screen and showing him the article she had found, after a few comments on Johnny’s Instagram page had alerted her to the fact that something big had gone down upon his arrival home.

Angel took it from her, reading the headline from the news website.

‘Amateur MMA fighter arrested on multiple rape and assault charges.’ He continued. ‘San Francisco resident and up and coming MMA fighter, Johnny Boswell was arrested last night upon his arrival at LAX in connection to multiple counts of rape, battery and drugging as many as fifteen separate women. The revelations come in the wake of Mr Boswell leaving the country after his former partner, Tyra Kennedy, as well as several other women, all came forward to authorities to give detailed accounts of his abuse. Mr Boswell remains in the custody of the Richard J Donovan Correctional Facility, bail hearing pending.’

Fuck. It was a lot to take in, and Angel didn’t know where to begin with it, because on the one hand, if he was found guilty of all fifteen of the charges against him, possibly more if this prompted any other victims out there to come forward, Johnny was about to be seeing the inside of a cell for very long stretch ahead of him. On the other, though, Lily now had her chance to exact her revenge ripped from her grasp. And she couldn’t even come forward either, because too many questions would be asked, they’d find the link between him and the other men, and police searches for the one buried way out in the desert would likely follow such.

All Angel could do in that moment was pick Lily off the floor and hold her as she began to cry. Anything else could wait.

#angel reyes fanfiction #angel reyes imagine #angel reyes smut #angel reyes x ofc #angel reyes fanfic #angel reyes #angel reyes fic #mayans mc #mayans mc fanfictio #mayans mc fanfic #mayans mc fic #mayans mc imagine #clayton cardenas #clayton cardenas fanfiction #clayton cardenas smut #Clayton Cardenas x ofc

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merpiratebiologist · 2 years

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Okay, I've calmed down a bit- but only a bit! I think I'm a little bit obsessed with how Zisheng cracks a very dangerous, teetering on the edge of madness smile before he unleashes his rage on his pretend-father-uncle? Just that one bit where he smirks when the old fart says "you haven't come all this way just to kill dear old daddy, have you?🥺"

I also don't know if I've ever experienced anything so gratifying as when he utters his name syllable by syllable, while he slowly, ever so slowly slices the uncle's throat? Most cathartic. Honestly, I wasn't feeling too bad about what LBY, forgive me, HBY did until we skipped to 5 years later and the pining and hurt hit like a mothertrucker. I really appreciate the portrayal of vengeance as something true and right, although not necessarily good and healthy- DECIDEDLY unhealthy, actually- but yeah, you get the point. I like that this narrative doesn't twist and go out of its way to go 'oh but what about moral high ground?' like, mydude's already out there being unfilial and scheming and cunning according to most of society - it would be out of character NOT to seek revenge, regardless of the reason.

I was extremely mad on Shao Sheng's behalf about the whole lying bit, because same. I got even more mad when the 3rd Price intervened? My guy, you may be a prince and slowly growing on me while I've also steadily begun to dislike the crown prince ever so steadily, but this is sooo not your place and you know this. Back to Zisheng- why lie when you clearly can't hide it? And it does shine a light from a very different angle on the whole dealio. Like, yes, we know BuYi's been sincere and opportunistic with Niaoniao but it really doesn't change the fact that in hindsight it would feel manipulative and untruthful, especially when she's clever enough to figure it out the moment the perspective shifts by a grain of rice. He really spun her world around- it's so simple like JUST! SAY IT! I'M AN IMPATIENT AND PRACTICAL PERSON THAT EXPECTS YOU TO DO THE CORRECT THING BECAUSE I WOULD, BECAUSE I THINK THE WORLD OF YOU- JUST FUCKING SAY IT- please gods don't lie to me I will puke, just confirm what I already know so the information will be MINE to deal with and you're not part of my personal decision making process anymore, don't leave me hanging by this fraying thread.

Okay clearly this got very personal, I'm certainly not as calm as I'd like to be

In other musings! Niaoniao and mumma make up! There is still hope and light in the world!

Oh wait! The Empress died and Zisheng's distant from the Emperor and A'Heng baby cried. FUCKING PULL THE BLINDS OVER THE LIGHT, I NEED ANOTHER SOB. MY FACE IS ALREADY SWOLLEN, WHAT'S A LITTLE MORE?

#love like the galaxy #ling buyi #wu lei #cheng shaoshang #niaoniao #zhao lu si #zisheng #consort yue #yue heng #xuan shen'an #Empress Xuan #dumbass emperor #mommy issues #xiao yuanyi #huo buyi #huo wushang

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vanishedangels · 2 years

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Thicker than water

Summary: Darth Vader goes to Tatooine believing he finally found Obi Wan Kenobi. After realizing his former Master isn't there something calls for him through the force. He ends up meeting a little kid named Luke.

Relationships: Darth Vader & Luke Skywalker. Darth Vader & Owen Lars.

Rating: M.

Characters: Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, Owen Lars, Beru Whitesun, Third Sister.

Tags: Canon Compliant, Kenobi Series Part I Alternative Take, Father's Day 2022, One-shot.

Chapters: 1/1.

Excerpt:

Vader stopped next to the kid's bed, leaning forward in slow motion. That made Owen's stomach clench.

The Lord reached out and caressed the boy's blonde hair tenderly.

Owen gasped, feeling his heart racing fast.

The kid stirred under the blankets, Vader traced his face with his gloved fingers. "He looks like an angel." He said. "How old is he?"

The Lord spent the last decade plotting his vengeance. His waking hours were torture, plagued by memories and ghosts that belonged to a previous life.

The light that once embraced him was now gone. Flashes of her face, of the sound of her voice, Padmè was a distant memory, a dream that died between his arms.

He knew he could use his new power to hunt down the brother that betrayed him, the man he hated the most, Obi Wan Kenobi.

Ten years of silence, ten years is a long time. He developed an obsession, the only thing that occupied his mind was that man that vanished into thin air. The one that broke his heart and killed his soul.

He blamed him. He cursed him. He suffered him. He ached for him in the most unhealthy way a man could.

Deep inside he knew he loved him and that was the reason why he couldn't let him go.

Unlike Padmè, this loved one was still alive, hidden somewhere, unseen but not forgotten.

Ten years he waited. Ten years he perished until The Imperial Inquisitors finally had a lead. Tatooine.

The ruthless spies failed him over and over again, but something inside him was telling him that this time they might been right.

He knew The Third Sister was as fixated on Kenobi as he was, she has been hunting his former master for years, she seemed to hate him as much as he did.

He saw himself in her. That was why he decided follow her to the outer rim, to that scummy forgotten planet that once was Anakin Skywalker's homeland.

He leaned forward staring at the holo, sitting on his throne on Mustafar. "Kenobi is all that matters now. Is that understood?" And he ment it.

"Yes, my Lord." The woman in the holo answered reverently.

"I have been watching you, Third Sister. Fail me, and you will not live to regret it."

The dusty streets of Tatooine had never witnessed such a spectacle.

The dark Lord walked down the streets forcing the villagers to clear the way for him, so intimidating, so imponent, all dressed in black, nightmarish.

Suddenly he came to a halt. The silence surrounding him was deafening. "He is not here." He turned around looking at The Third Sister "He is not on planet."

The inquisitor stared at him undaunted. The Lord held a hand out and she was gasping for air. He continued force-choking her until he was satisfied.

She fell on her knees taking her hands to her throat.

"Keep looking for him, Third Sister."

An army of stormtroopers was waiting for him to return to the ship. But something was off.

The Lord still felt something through the force, some weak connection. It didn't taste as Kenobi though, but he was intrigued by that fragile link all the same.

He looked around, his cape enveloping his form.

"Wait for me inside the ship, I will take my time. If you leave this planet before I return I would find you and I will play with you until I get tired and then I will kill you." He said to The Third Sister before turning around, walking into the Tatooine desert.

When the twin suns went down, the weak presence in the force slowly decreased until it vanished.

Vader considered going back to the ship but he found himself in the middle of the desert and so close to a familiar place.

He didn't know why but he felt the need to head towards the Lars homestead. The last home of his late mother and the place where he gave himself to the dark side for the first time.

Owen heard a noise outside when he was getting ready for bed, he put his robes on again, he ventured out against Beru's plea.

When he went upstairs and he was out in the open his heart skipped a beat.

The gray sky, cloudy and heavy, surrounded a dark figure, a human figure, at the distance. A long cape was flapping around the body, a robotic heavy breathing was the only sound breaking the silence of the night. His hands were curling into fists at both sides of his thighs. He was about forty feet away, just standing there, not making a move.

Owen's blood went cold inside his veins, his heart thumping against his ribs. Staring at the ghostly apparition, thinking that this was the material that nightmares were made of.

The Lord started walking towards him, Owen took two steps back instinctively, although he knew that he couldn't avoid whatever the ghost was planning on do to them.

Consequently, Owen stood still when the man finally stopped inches apart from him.

"Owen Lars?" The Lord asked, his modulated voice accompanied by a heavy breathing.

Owen nodded dumbfounded, not breaking eye contact with him.

"I'm Lord Vader." He walked towards the house entrance, Owen grabbed his arm as a reflex, thinking that he was already dead.

The Lord looked down, staring at Owen's hand, the man didn't withdraw it from his arm. This man was bold, he respected that.

"Owen Lars, if you want to live you will invite my to your house." He didn't look up, his eyes behind the mask fixed on the man's hand.

Owen loosened the grip around his arm slowly, cursing himself.

Beru's eyes went wide when she saw the Dark Lord ducking his head, entering their house.

"Si-Sit down, please." The woman said almost shaking.

The Lord sat down, he fluttered his black cape and then he rested his forearms on the wooden table.

Owen sat across from him, holding Beru's hand in a silent petition. His wife understood immediately, taking the seat next to him.

"What can I do for you, Lord Vader?" The man asked with a firm voice trying to hide his agitation.

"Absolutely nothing." Vader deadpanned.

Owen and Beru stared at each other's eyes in confusion.

They went silent.

"I knew Anakin Skywalker." The Lord said, Owen's eyebrows raising. "I knew him well. You were his brother, is that correct?"

Owen swallowed hard, his eyes betraying him as he looked at the half opened door the other side of the dinner room.

Vader's head followed the direction Owen's eyes drew seconds ago.

The dim light entering the room allowed him to catch sight of a child peacefully sleeping in a small bed.

Owen's mind clouded with thoughts, he was certain that this man was there to take the kid away from them.

"Yes, Anakin Skywalker was my brother." Owen answered to distract the Lord. He failed.

"You have a son." Vader said still staring at the little boy in his slumber. "What is his name?"

"Luke..." Beru squeezed his hand "Luke Lars." He added, hiding the boy's real name.

"My wife was with child when she died." Lord Vader said absently.

"I'm sorry." Owen said feeling chills all over his body.

The Dark Lord stood up swiftly, Owen mirrored him. He walked in the child's room direction, Owen followed him thinking of his possibilities, he didn't care they were null, he knew he would die protecting his boy.

Vader stopped next to the kid's bed, leaning forward in slow motion. That made Owen's stomach clench.

The Lord reached out and caressed the boy's blonde hair tenderly.

Owen gasped, feeling his heart racing fast.

The kid stirred under the blankets, Vader traced his face with his gloved fingers. "He looks like an angel." He said. "How old is he?"

If this Vader man was here to collect Anakin Skywalker's offspring nothing would stop him, the only thing Owen could do to protect Luke was lie about his identity.

"He's twelve." He said without hesitation.

"You're a lucky man, Owen Lars." The Lord took his little hand between his fingers thinking that he was holding his nephew's hand.

He was jealous of his once stepbrother, Owen. He had everything he ever wanted. This child in front of him was as perfect as he imagined his own son would be.

His son.

A broken promise. A pain that would never fade away.

This angel could easily be his own son, his and Padmè's son.

He wanted to take Luke in his arms and walk away. He wanted to raise this kid as his own.

He had the power. He could cover the kid's eyes and kill Owen and his wife right on the spot.

Owen's voice brought him out of his thoughts. "Thank you, my Lord. I couldn't do it alone, Beru is the backbone of this family."

Vader thought about Shmi Skywalker, the only mother he knew, he gently squeezed the boy's hand thinking that he couldn't do it. He couldn't deprive Luke of his mother.

Vader knew he will give everything to just see his own mother one last time.

The child was fluttering his eyelashes, slowly, revealing his beautiful blue eyes. He startled when he saw The Lord, Vader let his little hand go, regretful. The terror he saw in that little boy's eyes was a painful reminder that he was now a monster.

The kid was seeing him. Really seeing him.

Beru ran towards the bed and held the boy in her arms.

Vader looked down, hearing his own heavy breath. He was breathing fast. He frowned behind his mask, that was new, the kid's reaction was affecting him beyond imagination.

He was feeling rage, he was hurt. The kid's sobs were making him lose his temper. He could kill him, he could kill them all.

He squeezed his eyes shut and thought about his Padmè, how he hurt her when he felt the same anger he was feeling right now.

Rejection.

He knew that feeling very well.

Owen was shielding his wife and little Luke with his own body. They were shuddering beneath him.

Owen opened his eyes realizing that everything around them was again in silence. He looked around expecting the worst.

But they were alone.

The Lord was gone.

"Uncle Owen? Aunt Beru?" Luke asked grasping his uncle's arms desperately. "Who was that man?"

Owen soothed him, caressing his hair and wiping his tears with his thumbs.

"Everything is alright, Luke, you were having a nightmare." He lied.

We were having a nightmare.

"He looked real." Luke said blinking back tears. "He looked so real."

#luke skywalker #darth vader #luke skywalker fanfiction #darth vader fanfiction #luke&vader #anakin skywalker #thicker than water fanfic

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kyndaris · 2 years

Text

The Reality of Friendship

Over the last two years, as the world slowed to a crawl, many people began to reach out. In my last post, I talked about meeting up with people from high school, either via luck or through a simple Facebook comment on a post.

But just reaching out isn’t enough. You have to maintain it if you want to keep alive your connection to other people. Which can be especially hard now that life has returned to a sense of normalcy and everything is opening up again. Once more, we’re all ‘too busy.’ The things that were placed on the backburner have returned with a vengeance. Trips that were delayed can now be experienced.

In many ways, that’s great!

And yet, as a person that is often overlooked, it’s tiring to be the one that is constantly reaching out to see where people are at and organising real life or virtual catch-ups.

Perhaps it’s because that as we have grown up, our interests have diverged. Maybe people see me as clinging to the past with my love for video games and obsessive reading habits. Yes, it’s a trait that has dogged me for many years and I don’t doubt they’ll be with me until the day I die, but can you blame me when there’s so many mind-blowing narratives and rich worlds to consume?

Still, there’s also a budding resentment within me that has only festered. Why can’t these people ask me out for dinner? Why is it always me that’s trying so desperately to keep hold of old friendships?

It is exhausting trying to carry these all on my back. And it’s worse when, during the pandemic, all I was trying to do was lift everyone’s spirits because we were in one of the longest and most terrible of lockdowns. Honestly, it’s hard when you feel like you’re the only one obeying the health mandates of keeping away when other people seem to be out on the streets spreading COVID-19 around like there’s no tomorrow (although on that note, could I possibly give a warm welcome to monkey pox?)

To be fair, though, I’m not trying to be clingy. I only ever reach out every few weeks or so. Perhaps once a month or with just an annual ‘Happy Birthday’ because my mind is a steel trap and I have everything memorised.

Still, maybe there’s a reason why people just gradually fall out of friendships. Possibly because of our busy lifestyles or that we want different things out of life. It’s no-one’s fault and yet the friendship is giving back as much as I put in when it comes to enjoyment. It doesn’t even matter if the two people involved might have supposedly similar personalities (they don’t really - the only common denominator seems to just being introverted but being introverted simply means that one’s social battery drains too fast). If one person becomes reluctant to engage, and wants to withdraw, maybe that’s a sign that a break is needed. Especially if conversations are stilted if the other party wants something more from me than I’m willing to give.

But maybe, too, there’s a power imbalance in the friendship. What does one do when someone has put another on a pedestal in their mind. Or what about those that cling to a specific image of an individual? Nostalgia can go a long way but friendships based on it cannot last without some sort of change to the dynamic.

I suppose some of this strange dissonance with other people might come from the fact that I have a very eclectic and wide-ranging number of things that I enjoy and consume. There are people out there, however, that don’t engage as much. Rather, they’re perfectly fine with not engaging in anything that’s popular or mainstream, instead reading plot synopses on Wikipedia instead of actually experiencing a given TV show, game or book. It makes talking about the latest episode of say, Umbrella Academy or The Good Place, all that harder because they don’t have the quotes or understand the nuanced references.

So, one friend I have, we bonded over our love for the Kingdom Hearts franchise. And yet, when I finished playing Kingdom Hearts 3 and wanted to discuss the ending and how Nomura attempted to redeem Master Xehanort, they hadn’t found a means to play or watch a playthrough. Rather, they were only able to hear my rants or read my spoiler-filled impression of the game.

And though there can be some level of engaging conversation, because they haven’t actually experienced the game fully, it’s harder to get their exact thoughts on Nomura’s twisted form of writing and the hidden hints for the sequel.

It also doesn’t help that with many of my high school friends, our interests are vastly different. I’ve dabbled with so many things. From Dragon Prince to She-Ra to Arcane on the animated side to a vast array of popular TV shows and movies. They have NONE of that context to build from. It’s one thing to just obsess about a TV show that I’ve watched but it’s another to share in that excitement with a fellow appreciator. Thank goodness that I have one friend that I can discuss the craziness of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and appreciate the lyrical genius of Bo Burnham.

Game-wise, they might know about the video games I play but they’d lack the appreciation I might have for the game - instead, experiencing it only semi-vicariously through my frenetic impressions on my blog. But honestly, most of my ‘friends’ don’t read my blog for the games. They read it for the personal anecdotes because games don’t interest them. Or the games that they play are simple mobile ones or just the same game that they’ve played for years and years.

And don’t even talk about books.

I don’t think most of the people I know have picked up a proper novel in years. They might sing my praises when it comes to the short stories they’ve read on my FictionPress but there’s little context for them with which to compare. How can they when they’ve not heard the likes of Tess Gerritsen, Robin Hobb, Brandon Sanderson or Thomas Harris? That’s not to mention the likes of Sarah J. Maas and her ilk of YA authors (some good and others...intriguing).

How can I properly rant about the connected Maasverse if there’s no context? I can’t decry the wing kinks, the slash of white and the way all the ‘males’ growl about their mates.

I mean, yes, I could rant about it - after all, I just did - but without that shared experience, it falls flat.

Maybe this is all me catastrophising and I’ll reignite the spark of friendship that had us clasping our hands in solidarity. Or maybe it’s time for me to talk it out and put it out of its misery. Like a romantic relationship, it seems that people can fall in and out of friendships too. And after investing so much time and effort into it, if I’m not receiving anything back, maybe it’s time to just step away.

Or maybe just reduce our status back to acquaintances that might warrant a simple ‘hello’ if we see each other on the street.

It’s hard because there’s a lot of shared memories when it comes to people that I’ve known since high school or before. But when I have to hide parts of who I am simply to keep up the charade that I’m the same person from a decade ago, it is so draining.

But even though change was something I’m scared of, the truth of the matter is that I’m not the same Kyndaris. And I simply don’t derive as much fun or joy from the other person as I might have. The meaningful chats are one-sided and I don’t want them to be tethered to someone who can’t appreciate their insights into their personal psyche. You deserve someone that will actually listen and can respond in kind. That someone, unfortunately, is not me.

Suffice it to say, that was a long and winding tangent. Still, at its core is the concept that friendship is a strange and fickle thing. Some people might remain friends for the rest of their lives. But other times, friendships too, must come to an end. Or, at the very least, be put on hold before they become a cloying toxic mess.

In summary: I’m sorry to the future people I might be cutting off. I wish I didn’t resent you for things that aren’t your fault. If I’ve hurt you by drawing away, I’m really and truly sorry. Maybe friendship just isn’t for us. Maybe my friends AREN’T my power. Or, my power has moved on to a new set of friends.

Still, perhaps we can be acquaintances? Or perhaps I simply need a break to collect my thoughts and think about what this relationship means to me and if I truly need it in my life.

#personal blog #friends #taking a break

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