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angelo-the-doctor-of-feelings · 11 months

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Hey, uh… sorry if this is rude or personal or something- But can you talk about any experience you’ve had with a panic attack? like a story of you having one or one of your brothers having one? thanks

Donnie had a full-blown panic attack recently.

Donnie allowed me to share this story with you.

Warnings: food issues, disordered eating (?)

It was a typical morning, Donnie was the first to get up & started brewing coffee in our kitchen.

I'm always the second to great the day - it's my unofficial job to make breakfast, then Raph joins later, drawn in by the lovely smell of food & and lastly our night owl, Leon. I actually doubt he gets proper sleep anyway. He's up until the morning hours & then randomly passes out of exhaustion.

I decided to make pancakes for everyone, Donnie insisted to eat his same food, oatmeal - he always sticks to those when he's having a hard time or when he knows it will get stressful OR when the day had been stressful. I have stopped to ask him for a change in his eating habits since pressure won't do anything & I'm happy he eats. You should know that Donnie's relationship with food is complicated & it has been very troublesome in the past.

We started preparing the food & setting the table.

I decided to make some strawberry yogurt to go with the pancakes when I had the dough ready to bake.

"Hey Donald, could I get some of your yogurt?"

"Sure." He passed me the container without giving me a glance & I noticed he was staring at his bowl.

"Is everything alright?" I asked carefully.

He didn't answer.

I shrugged it off & started baking the pancakes & mixing the yogurt with the chopped strawberries.

I was growing a bit concerned by the minutes passing. Usually, Donnie vocally stims (chirping & soft humming) when he's preparing his food, but on this day, it was different. Donnie didn't make a single noise.

When the pancakes were ready, Raph joined us & finished setting the table.

"Yo, Mike, yo Don!"

Donnie remained silent as he placed his bowl of oatmeal at his place. Raph looked at me puzzled, but all I could do was shrug.

After breakfast was ready to consume, I went to wake Leon, who slept in (again).

Before I left the kitchen, Donnie grabbed my bath robe (it's sooo comfy!) with a tight grip.

His face was blank & he seemed very tense. "Yes, Donnie?"

He struggled to find words, I saw it. This is never a good sign. I raised my hands & wiggled my fingers to signal he could do sign language as well.

Donnie let go & started signing.

"I can't eat."

"What do you mean, you can't eat?" I asked carefully.

"It's the oatmeal."

"What about it?"

Donnie fidgeted with his hands, looking away. I touched his shoulder comfortingly. He had eaten it for three years straight, every single day. What could have been wrong with it now?

"Don't worry, Donnie. You don't have to eat. I am going to wake Leon now, alright?"

My purple brother simply nodded & I left the kitchen.

Only to find Donnie absolutely devastated a few minutes later sitting on the kitchen floor, rocking back & forth while crying.

"Oh my gosh, what happened, Raph?" Leon was still very sleepy, but he was quickly awake when he saw Donnie.

"He smelled at his oats & then just started crying & shaking!" Raph answered.

I sat beside Donnie & tried talking to him, but he couldn't communicate verbally, nor with his hands.

He was hyperventilating.

"Shit."

And then our group dynamics changed as they ways do, when something like this happens:

I fixed my glasses (I usually wear contacts) & got up.

Therapist Dr. Feelings became the leader of the team.

I told Raph to pick Donnie up & carry him to his room & I told Leo to gather Donnie's emergency kit for situations like these from his lab.

Donnie has a plan for every possible situation that we both worked out together.

I could cry every time I have to make Raph carry Donnie when he's having a panic attack or a meltdown. Donnie started screaming & hissing at Raph when he tried to pick him up. When Raph had him in his arms, Donnie started hitting him.

But Raphael is strong & he doesn't mind that. He knows Donnie is not able to think clearly & he's in stress & survival mode.

"He can hit Raph. It's cool. Just not himself."

We put him under his weighted blankets & made his room dark & I turned on his infrared lamp for warmth & comfort.

He instantly calmed down a bit & his hand reached out under the mess of blankets & pillows, Leon had put on him.

I took his hand & I stayed with him for five hours until he whispered:

"I lost my favourite same food today, Mikey."

"What happend?"

"It was weird. All of a sudden, I couldn't stand the smell of it. I couldn't even bring myself to eat it. I felt sick & ready to throw up if I had put some of it in my mouth. I'm afraid, Mikey. What if I lose my other foods, too? What if I can't eat anything anymore? I don't want to go down that spiral again."

And I understood why he had panicked.

He lost his safe food, that literally saved him out of his disordered eating spiral. All of a sudden.

No wonder he panicked.

"We will always be there to help you, Donnie. You don't have to battle your mind alone."

He hasn't touched oats, yogurt & pudding since then. I saw that he tried, but he always got nervous & put them back.

Now Donnie only eats rice cakes & peanut butter, but hey, he eats.

Sometimes, I wish I could take all his struggles away.

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yanteetle · 9 months

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May i request for ummmmm more yandere Mikey?? I just love him sm, and i just love your art soooo much!

"i dunno, He's nice and all... but there's something off about him. I can feel it.."

Let's be real, y/n was bound to talk about Mikey's weird behavior at some point. Let's only hope his eavesdropping doesn't result in any more bloodshed than necessary…

I tried to make it look creepy. Kinda failed at that, but it was a fun drawing to work on in the end! I want to work on more stalker-themed drawings in the future, they're surprisingly energizing to work on! It was kind of a challenge working on the lighting for this one, but I made it work.. Somewhat. If someone wants to take this and add some color and extra life to it, feel free!

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thisisadonaldduckblognow · 1 year

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all the rise boys get done dirty on characterization by fandom in different ways i think. (not ALL the time every fanwork etc etc these are just like, trends i tend to notice?) every fandom suffers from losing character nuance.

- leo i’ve talked about plenty on this blog, how some of his canon traits (genuine belief in his skill and cockiness, capacity for joy, his manipulativeness whether for good or ill) seem to get watered down or wiped off the board and supplemented with generic sad boy. his struggles with purpose and identity and not wanting to fail somehow morph into “he hates and completely holds no value for himself”

- donnie’s canon personality gets blurred out and largely replaced with whatever list of Neurodivergent Traits. and i think there’s such a fine line to walk between exploring a character that’s been word of god confirmed as on the spectrum and overwriting what’s canonically there. it’s a hard needle to thread. it also feels like a lot of his canon emotiveness gets left off the table for some reason. bc he does have his moments of flat/deadpan delivery, but a lot of the time he’s honestly very emotive. he has the passion of a theatre kid and the vindictiveness of... also a theatre kid. and the mind of a scientist.

- raph loses so much of his rowdy teen boy energy it’s kind of wild? like interpretations sand off that he’s also impulsive and can be reckless and dumb and LOVES fighting and roughhousing and isn’t the most eloquent person. suddenly there’s this pitch perfect soft boy big bro who would never hurt a fly and always says the exact right supportive thing and singlehandedly raised his 3 brothers (which simultaneously sands off all the nuance of splinter’s issues emotionally connecting with his sons and how that affected all of them). and like i LOVE raph, he’s so full of love and care and anxiety, he clearly has learned to put a lot of work into being aware of his strength and size. but there’s a difference you know?

- mikey is like. where raph gets overparentified by fanon, mikey gets over “family therapist”-ed IMO. the impulsiveness, the goofiness, the powerful emotions including a VERY powerful temper, the flat-out dumb teen boy choices... they get ignored. suddenly there’s this only very sweet and earnest boy who has read a hundred psychology books and runs group family therapy weekly or something. he is crying in his room bc leo and raph are arguing about something. which is so. he IS very sweet and can be very earnest and is full of love! he HAS come in with his opinions and unsolicited advice a couple of times and life coached for the greater good. but there’s a difference between what he does in canon and the role he gets in fanon.

#rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #idk this is not a very eloquent rundown its very hard to explain exactly my vibe #ig the long story short is i feel like a lot of their most interesting and fun qualities get left in the dust #mikey as family therapist is getting under my skin the most rn i think its just so.#for as much as it seems like his brothers try to shelter him (esp raph with his overprotectiveness)..... i just dont see it #i dont see his brothers and definitely not his dad putting their issues on him like that...#him dragging donnie into that one dr feelings session and dragging draxum into a new moral alignment were different #than 'yeah everyone tells mikey their stuff and he has to do the labor of helping with it'#like it just doesnt vibe for me #i think he is very emotionally OPEN on all levels compared to his family #i think he is more likely to share when HE struggles #i dont think raph or leo is sitting with him at 3am like 'it all started when i was 4 and accidentally broke a plate' or what have you idk #it's all so ymmv i do just scroll past stuff i dont vibe with i dont drop hate on it i just #idk dudes its so hard to see the appeal in some of the choices made

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koolaidashley · 9 months

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Turnnn arouuunds for long term plot purposes :) finally decided how I want to play tmnt 04 out so hope u guys r ready for some long hauling

#tmnt 04 #tmnt #04 raph #04 mikey #04 donnie #04 leo #I love them #and cannot WAIT to tell the whole story #I like it a lot

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quartergremlin · 6 months

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did you ever expect to have "Jesus egg" as one of your more popular tags

god no, mot evem whem i made the first egg comic.

most people hate child ocs (and i wasn't particularly interested either), so I never planned on making lena a character. This was just an ask that ballooned out of control. seriously. Every single part of jesus egg except for "baby fever" happened directly because of you guys. Yall kept asking questions and loving her and making me want to love and know more about her too! So uh. Thank you!

#vut like child ocs?#i get it mow.#askbox #I wasn't ever interested in telling stories that far out #Bc the passage of time makes me sad.#But now I have shelldon and psdd and remet and Lena and her brother and have been thinking about raph and Cass's kid #Ugh its so sickeningly sweet #Lena atsuko #rise mikey #jesus egg #fuck that got really semtimemtal amd mow im tearimg up sorry!

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bartonbones · 1 year

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regardless of my opinions on how they handled claire and carmy i will say like...it is such valid "first relationship in your late twenties" representation. of course carmy is head over heels insane about her. she is the first good thing to happen to him and he has no way of knowing or believing it will ever happen to him again. of course he is dropping balls and isn't sure how to incorporate a relationship into his well-established life becuase he literally has no expirence doing that. he doesn't even know how to incorporate a FRIEND into his life that doesn't work with him or hasn't known him since birth. and of course carmen "self sabotage boy on fire ''you dug throwing up every day?'' knife tattoo "my family ruined everything that i enjoyed" berzatto is going to bail the second someone tells him he can't have it ?? like he already thinks that so of course he's going to take cicero's opinion to heart because here's this thing everyone else seems to know how to do that he doesn't and everyone is telling him that he's doing it wrong and don't fuck it up and but she's so nice like he's not nice?? idk i think he's being straight up stupid rn and i don't think the storyline was maybe written as well as i'd hope but also i don't think any of it was out of character as much as it was oddly handled to some extent

#the bear #the bear s2 #disagree with a lot of the story telling beats they chose frankly but i think the core of it was true to who carmy is #it makes sense that he doesn't connect with the restaurant as much as anyone thought he might #he's already gotten the thing that he wanted which was confirmation mikey loved him #he's only ever been motivated to be a chef by mikey--whether that was through connection with him or spite #and now while everyone else is finding their purpose and hitting their strides carmy is losing absolutely all of his #sad :( his ending is very sad :(

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missamyshay · 4 months

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cycles

a series | G - T | 7 works | 71.6k | stories that deal with cycles of grief and hope as experienced by different characters, told in flashbacks.

1. 106 miles | T | 7.4k | In which Carmen takes two very significant road trips.

2. Saturday morning | G | 10.6k | In which Marcus makes gizzada.

3. shards | T | 10.9k | In which Natalie celebrates two significant birthdays.

4. Drive. | T | 11.4k | In which Richie drives Natalie to the hospital.

5. reset | G | 11.9k | In which Sydney finally goes ice skating.

6. Number 33 | G | 7.4k | In which Luca has dinner with his sister.

7. calm. | T | 12k | In which Tina celebrates two special Christmases.

now complete.

#the bear fx #sydney adamu #carmen berzatto #marcus brooks #richie jerimovich #natalie berzatto #mikey berzatto #luca (the bear)#sydcarmy #amy tells stories

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marnerlue · 1 year

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Okay, hear me out. Like in the Todd scouts episode they go out camping. They've never spent an entire night in the woods alone and then they hear a sound.

After 30 minutes there's the police, the military, the fire department, cause the whole forest is on fire and people say they've seen big foot (raph) and three other giant frogs running around.

#also leos telling the scary stories #he scares the shit out of mikey #and raph #rottmnt #leonardo #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt leo #rise donnie #rise raph #rottmnt michelangelo #camping

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crown-ov-horns · 16 days

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A complete travesty in the Good Omens universe? Michael not being portrayed the leader of angels.

She's supposed to be the Supreme Commander, and she's supposed to be the boss. I sincerely suggest you don't fight me on this hill. For Hell's sake, the actress has the perfect vibe... A crime has been commited here.

Therefore, I swear to fix it in my fanfictions. General, I'll do right by you. ❤

If you can't tell, in spite of being on the opposite side, I'm attached to this figure. I'm protective of this figure. I'll defend this figure with claws and teeth.

#watch me being a hypocrite because i always say respect canon and authors do what they wish their word is gospel #but it's good omens and i have a very strange relationship with this universe #also i'm not a hypocrite i can complain all i want it doesn't change canon - nor do i go lashing out at the creators i'm grumbling on a blog #that's the beauty of fandom and fanfiction you make seperate universes and have free reign #if other pricks around here can say they're “fixing” canon for much lamer reasons so can i only i'm right #the beauty of fanwork is you remake what you adore in your own image #good omens #archangel michael #good omens michael #good omens fandom #good omens fanfiction #diary pages #i solemnly swear right here right now...#if you can't tell i have a thing for archangel michael... like in a hierophilic way #my crush from mythology tbh #i said you remake what you adore...#it's more complicated than that for me with go #i dislike most things about go that makes it go #but also i'll always love the story it is a part of me #no no no butchering what mikey's supposed to be was criminal but the actress got her i feel she did great she has the spartan aura #pro tip... never call her mikey XD

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itzzaira · 8 days

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Withering Butterflies || future Michelangelo story

TW: Spirits, main character is dying and is aware of this. Mention of passed loved ones (who are also confirmed to be just fine and here)

When a mystic warrior is close to death, no matter the cause or reason of their passing- there are signs.

Signs their mystic magic sends out because it can sense that death is near, that it won't be long before it's time to leave the mortal realm, that their clock is almost done ticking. Such signs could be exhaustion, illness, a following sense of doom, weakened mystic magic, losing control of said magic, mystic aging, increase in visions-

Seeing spirits.

Not like his ancestors whom he tried to talk with on purpose. No, in his everyday life.

This is what they would call Mystic Sickness.

It didn't matter what you died off- it could be because of mystic magic, an attack, it didn't matter. Your mystic energies would sense it. It will let you know. It will make sure you know.

Michelangelo had ignored the signs for as much as he could- the mystic aging was because of the overuse of his ninpo, the exhaustion and loss of appetite was because of said aging, the sense of doom that followed him everywhere was normal they lived in the apocolypse-

He really had ignored it, for as long as he could.

Until the first butterfly had landed on his snout.

The white, glowing butterfly.

Butterflies had gone instinct years ago.

As soon as Michelangelo had seen that first butterfly... he knew he couldn't ignore it anymore.

He was dying.

Hamato Michelangelo was not afraid of death.

He knew he would die much younger than everyone else- he had always known. He was the only mystic warrior the resistance had, the only one who could cure those corrupted by Krang, the only one who could heal, the strongest out of them- which resulted in the overuse of his ninpo. He had assumed it would be his mystic powers that killed him.

He was right.

But no one needed to know that.

Instead of going to Leonardo, like he probably should, Mikey had ignored it. He had ignored how sick he felt, he ignored his hair that fell off in chunks, he ignored the sense of doom that seemed to get worse, he ignored the butterflies that only he could see that followed him everywhere.

...Butterflies that seemed to get more each and each day. The amount of spirits that seemed to be more, much more, following him around-

Until he had sensed the first spirit in Donnie's lab.

"...It is sad to see you sensing me so soon, Michelangelo."

Mikey had just smiled, gently closed the door behind him, and opened his eyes. "Good to see you again, Bary."

"Is it?" The sheep yokai crossed his arms, that same annoyed yet worried scowl on his face that Mikey had missed so much. His body was glowing cyan and his pupils were gone, just like every other spirit he had met until now- did that mean he was Hamato? He wasn't sure, the man didn't have the Hamato symbol- "-because I had hoped to see you hit your forties before you joined us."

Mikey smiled. "Heh... h-hah... hic..."

His smile fell.

He covered his mouth and allowed himself this moment of weakness- letting the orange-glowing tears drip down his cheeks as he slid onto the floor- his legs were too weak to hold him up. Part of the reason he had started floating everywhere. His legs were too weak to stand on.

The butterflies that had been surrounding him went down with him, landing all over his shoulders and head, trying to drink his tears. Michelangelo didn't know what was worse- the fact he was crying like a child... or the fact that the spirits seemed to think they were on the same plane of existence.

"...Oh, child." Draxum bent down next to him- he didn't have any of the old scars he had gotten, Mikey noted. The spirit winced at the orange tears, knowing full well they shouldn't be that color, but didn't comment on it. "You look so tired, Michelangelo."

"I am." The turtle wept, wincing when his tears burned his fingers. He shivered at the sensation of ghostly fingers touching his cheek- it felt cold. So cold.

As cold as he had been feeling, for the past couple of weeks.

Hamato Michelangelo was not afraid of death.

He knew his passing would be painful- probably by his magic ripping him into a thousand tiny pieces, or maybe he would get stabbed or something by Krang- he didn't know. He didn't care.

He foresaw all possible futures, all the possible outcomes, all the possible ways he would wither away. Made sure to be prepared, made sure to fight alone so no one would see him perish. Yet, he was worried.

Worried because until now, he hadn't been able to communicate with any of his family. "Where are my-"

"With your brother." Draxum pulled away, sat down properly, and folded his hands in his lap. "They didn't want to leave, but Leonardo seemed to be having a hard time."

...

"...They're... here?" Mikey could have cried with that knowledge if he hadn't been crying already, but didn't know if that was because of relief or hurt. They had been here? Here? All this time? When he had been searching for his brother's spirits... they had been he here? He... they never left?

They never left them alone.

They hadn't been resting like he'd hoped.

"...Cassandra is here as well," Draxum muttered, recognizing that his adoptive son was getting stuck in his own head again. "She wanted to make sure that Leonardo didn't raise her son to be a, and I quote, 'whimp'."

Mikey snorted. He couldn't help the giggles, covering his mouth with both hands. That sounded like Cassandra alright. She had seen him grow up after all? It... wasn't the best way, but- it was something.

"...Would you like to speak with your father?"

His head snapped up. Mikey looked at the spirit with disbelief, bloodshot eyes blown wide. "...Dad is here too?"

"He never left."

"..." The turtle curled up and winced once his legs ached at the movement. With a flick of his hand, his mystic magic lifted his legs and curled them to his chest. Mikey thought, for a moment... and then shook his head.

"...I doubt I could see him anyway." He mumbled. A butterfly got close to his cheek when a single tear slipped down.

"...I know." Draxum sighed. "I assume I'm the first spirit you're seeing?"

He nodded.

Selfishly, Michelangelo had hoped to find Donatello today, once he sensed the spirit in the lab. But thats okay. He would see him soon enough.

"I'm dying."

Not a question. A statement.

"But you already knew that, didn't you?"

Instead of answering, Michelangelo held out his hand. Another butterfly landed on his finger. Draxum sighed, muttered under his breath, and shook his head. "If you had stopped using mystic magic when I told you to you wouldn't be."

"I was needed." He watched the tiny creature's wings- so fragile, so small- so beautiful. No wonder it hadn't survived this world. "I didn't have a choice, Barry."

"Your magic is destroying you as we speak." Another grumble. "Your future visions are getting out of hand."

The turtle couldn't help it- he cracked a smile. "...You know about those?"

"You wake up floating in the air surrounded by mystic particles and many spirits all around you." The man crossed his arms. "I'm surprised Leonardo hasn't noticed yet."

"I don't want him to know." Mikey cringed when he felt some hair slip down his cloak when he shifted his position to sit more comfortably, then winced when his legs ached. He sighed, defeated. And with the flick of his hand, mystic magic lifted up his legs and crossed them.

Another butterfly settled on his knee.

"...Do you know how you're going to..."

"No." He didn't know if that was good or bad. Michelangelo knew it was important to stay prepared... but he didn’t exactly want to predict his own death. That was just how his visions worked. They were set in stone.

...Which brought up another issue.

"...I can't die yet, Draxum." A single tear slipped down his cheek, which immediately caused a swarm of butterflies to get closer to his face. "I'm needed here."

"You've destroyed yourself doing too much." Blunt, without sugar-coating it- yep, that was Draxum alright. "Your body can't hang on anymore. I'm sorry, Michelangelo."

If he had the energy, the turtle would fight it.

He would get up, say something about how you needed to do more to take this turtle down, then either get S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. to scan him or attempt to heal himself, fail, find some books, a cure- something.

But he was just so tired.

Hamato Michelangelo was not afraid of death.

He knew what death was. He knew what it felt like. Cold, lonely, dark. At least. That was what death used to be. These days, death seemed warm. Peaceful. Lovely. And even though he couldn't sense their spirits yet, knowing the rest of his family was near and waiting, made it look so so much better. Heck, even the spirits with him right now- they felt cool, sure. But not freezing. This was a nice cool he used to feel when there used to be Summer breezes, offering relief amongst all the heat and allowing him to breathe.

But just as death had changed... so had life.

Life, which used to be joyful and warm and happy and bright, had turned dark and cold and full of grief. Never full, never well rested, always on the move, always dirty, always cold. Being cold bothered him the most, for some reason. Probably because instinct kept screaming at him to brumate but the turtle couldn't let himself.

Life had changed. So had death. And the other, brighter side didn't seem as bad anymore.

But...

"What about Leo?"

Draxum turned his head back so quickly, looking shocked and... something else. "...You are the one dying. Let me repeat that. Dying. And you worry about your brother?"

"I can't leave him, Barry..."

"He has April and Casey."

"It's not the same."

When their father had been... lost. The four had been together. They had grieved, they buried him somewhere worthy, they prayed.

When Raph had... left. The three had been there. They had been there the moment the building collapsed on top of him, had been with him as he moved from one plane of existence to the other, unwilling to let go and holding onto each other instead.

When Donnie...

...

"What will happen to them when I'm gone, Barry?" His breath hitched in ways it hadn't done for what felt like eons. His shoulders started shaking as he tried to curl up- but the pain that shot up his legs made him freeze instead, which just. Did it.

He couldn't move his legs. He knew damn well why.

Draxum's expression softened as he watched the turtle fall apart, watched the butterflies land all over his face to try and lap up his tears- it was fine. He could be weak. Just this once.

Hamato Michelangelo was not afraid of death.

Heck, he even longed for the warmth and love on the other side.

But...

Magic lifted his legs so he could curl up as he wanted to, and pulled up his cloak so his head was hidden, ignoring the hair that fell at the action alone. He buried his head in his knees, hugged himself, and- apologized.

How selfish.

To leave this cold, horrible world... when he was still needed here.

Needed by April, who needed her little brother to try and light up others- the only positive thing left.

Needed by Casey, who had lost his mother at such a young age, lost half his uncles, and shouldn't be losing another...

Needed by Leo.

Leo, who still blamed himself for something that wasn't his fault every single day. Leo, who started leading the resistance at such a young age to make up for said thing. Leo, who kept trying to give his portions of food because the younger brother just looked so sickly.

How selfish would he be to leave?

He couldn't do that to Leo. Not to Leo.

"They'll find ways to go on." The yokai mumbled, getting closer and letting a ghostly hand rest on Mikey's shell. It felt cold. A nice cold. But still, the mutant flinched away. No. "They've got each other."

"Leo won't survive, Barry." Mikey cried, looking up- okay the tears were starting to burn. It hurt. But at least that meant he was alive. "He barely did after Donnie. He can't. He won't... Barry. I can't leave yet."

"..." Draxum let a butterfly land on his finger. Looked at the insect, lost in thoughts. "...I'm afraid you do not have a choice."

He knew that. He had known for quite a while, even when the turtle tried to lie to himself and make up excuses for all of his symptoms.

But this...

He couldn't lie to himself anymore. Not for this. There was no other explanation as to why he was seeing spirits.

Hamato Michelangelo was not afraid of death.

He was afraid of what would happen to Leonardo after.

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