#med tracking

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

#It’s just so different #even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol #in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps #if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it #esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends #no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr #u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS #meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life #this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation #like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !! #& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers #who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them #and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends #it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me #I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc #like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this #so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works #p

[do-rey-me]

if murderbot learned what autism was i truly believe itd go "wow humans are so ridiculous they cant even agree on their own stupid human social rules" and then never think about that or its possible relation to its own behaviors ever again

#mensah: secunit here are some accessibility drones so u can interact with the world more comfortably #mb: its super impressive how she can make up reasons to get around the 'no drones allowed rules' just so she can bribe me #ratthi has his head in his hands. like deities send me strength i cannot fucking deal with this #tmbd #mbd #murderbot diaries #i dunno the tags man. i also do not know if its even funny anymore #im so tired #lost track of my life and didnt realize i ran out of sleep meds haha. fuuck #tomorrows gonna fucking suck balls #my posts

[buildabruxa]

wrapup, day 2

Well.

Today was less productive, because yesterday I ran myself ragged. I'm having a lot of the typical ADHD cleaning... I pick something up, go to put it away, notice something is dirty, clean that, put that stuff away, get distracted by something else, etc etc. But I think Naruto is actually taking his meds, which is good.

I did almost entirely wrap up the laundry tho, and did a fair amount of dishes. I want to get all the laundry and dishes cleaned up so that I can run maintenance loads instead of being overwhelmed by piles of it, and I think it's helping. So here's what I did today since my first post, though I know the list is incomplete.

-Paid rent

-Paid Finn's rent

-Deposited a check of Finn's that I advanced him and has just been sitting in my room for two weeks

-Hung a couple of pictures

-Had Wayne dig me up a bunch of dirt to put on top of the dead bird potting soil, then transferred my marigold and sunflower sproutlings on top of that

-Made BLTs for dinner

-Walked Courage and Davenport with Kraken up to 711, where he bought me gummi bears :)

-Put the afghans back on the patio chairs

-Replaced the shower head and took a loooooong shower

-Brushed out and oiled my hair

Kraken has gotten super into cocktails as a hobby, and he made me a sour with his FFVII anniversary red wine. We drank the white together about a year into our relationship, and I remember being sad thinking that there was a chance that we wouldn't get to drink the red together. But then we got married! And now we're doing that! It's a nice feeling. But I did get DRUNK off just one cocktail, which isn't at all normal for me. I think a lot of it is that I get hungry, but then I'm full after a few bites so the only thing I really ate before that was half of Naruto's eggs.

Wondering what tomorrow will be like since Naruto doesn't have school and I have the opportunity to sleep in. Will I actually do it?! Idk!

#adhd parenting #adhd #adderall #med tracking

[bruhstation]

(redraw of last year's art!) happy new year 2024, everyone! hopefully things go well this year, too :]

#thomas the tank engine #thomas and friends #ttte lady #ttte diesel 10 #ttte thomas #ttte percy #casa tidmouth #senjart #this year has been quite tough! phew #started off the year studying my butt off for entrance exams #ended the year studying my butt off for med school's first semester finals #I'm so busy!!! so many organizations and meetings to attend!!! workloads and labworks too!!!! #ntm I got hit with a wave of mental health stuff so that depleted my motivation too..... #things are kind of tough for me now but hopefully I can get myself back on track #because I have lots of stuff to draw!!! many gazillion ideas!!!! #and I hope YOU too will have a good year!!!!! #also looking at the tags on last year's art and LOL'd.... my years living at the dorms was truly something (negative connotation)

[klepto-kaz]

all of my comfort shows are horrendously bad.

#henry danger #lab rats #the thundermans #danger force #mighty med #yeah you guys. all of you #its the bad cgi and laugh tracks

[puppyeared]

Jitterbug

#whenever my meds kick in it feels like im gonna piss myself. not literally but its really really feels like it #and now whenever that happens my mind goes back to pancho (grandmas dog) at a xmas party years ago #bc he peed when we arrived bc he was so excited to see ppl and my cousin had to clean it up :o) #well for better or for worse i know that feeling now when im pumped on 20mg of adderall #im still getting used to this whole diagnosis thing cause ive gone untreated and undiagnosed for the longest time. so theres probably a lot #i still dont know and have to learn to get myself to be.. functional on my own? self managing???? #i even set up reminders on my phone for work periods meals and stuff. but the problem is actually getting myself to stick to that to a T #because the minute i slack off or something gets in the way it throws it all off until i can be bothered to get back on track. it sucks #at least ive built up other habits like writing notes and setting alarms ahead of time.. but i feel like i could do better #its always hard to change something if youve been doing it wrong for the longest time. especially behaviour and thinking patterns. sigh #in other news my glasses bailed on me so i have to get a new pair sometime. i just realized i never draw my sona with glasses but thats #mostly bc i forget. id love to get some browline glasses like my old pair but im picky and its hard to find one id like for the next 5 year #i also finally managed to collect all the fish in my animal crossing file!!! pulled out a char last week and boom now i have a poster :o) #THAT was a moment where i almost peed myself for real. id love to get all the bugs but i cant stay up late on the switch :o( #yapping #my art #myart #doodles #personal #diary

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Thr thing abt me is that I want to know exactly how psychiatric medications work. I don't want the simplified version. Dont give me the "I'm talking to the public" answers. I want the specific mechanisms and how exactly it causes its side effects.

#but i dont wanna read the papers lol. i just find it fascinating #g protein coupled receptors my beloved #i got like 5hrs sleep which provided ample time to talk my self into and out of stopping medication bc its been giving me internal #restlessness. muscle weakness. and heart palpations. which the heart thing was freaking me out but i also get them linked with my #cycle and doctors dont seem concerned. i think i figured out why. the abilify is blocking the dopamine receptors that inhibit prolactin #production. which is making my estrogen levels drop which is y i get heart palpitations sometimes. science. ans it makes me feel better #abt staying on the meds. but i got side tracked #trying to understand how abilify is proscribed for major depression #i assume it must hold dopamine at a certain level but idk #part of thr problem is that its really complicated and no one entriely understands how it works #but i took thr meds this morning ;-] #unrelated

[destinationtoast]

It's really, really nice to have a doctor say, "Oh yeah, that makes sense" after years of having people tell you your pattern of pain can't be happening and/or is inexplicable!

#whoo validation #i went to a pain management clinic today #and I gave him my five pages of typed notes of my symptoms + everything I've tried #and he was like #i've seen things like this before #and you've done most of what i would suggest #and done a terrific job tracking it all #but i do have a few more ideas #which is delightful #but also it's just a relief to have some idea #of why this might be happening #most of the doctors and specialists i saw before believed me #but were very stumped #this is a chronic pain thing I've dealt with for over a decade #op #happy news #in other good news I've had a lot of success lately treating my anxiety #with new meds #so much health stuff finally starting to look up #50

[sheepstiel]

also fellow body affected gals and pals: even if you are what they call "overweight", losing big amounts of weight over a short amount of time for no obvious reason isn't healthy and your doc should check that out. no, it's not conventient and you shouldn't let it just happen because you could use it. get it checked.

#i know it's a side effect of my meds for me and i keep track to know it's not getting too much too fast. but i'm still side eyeing my doc #for not telling me this could happen or that i should watch it. #sheep talks #cw body image #tw weight-loss

[horce-divorce]

my bf urgently needs his psych meds refilled. we are between insurances right now since we just got to a new state. he's only got 4 pills left. he got a coupon so we only need $30 🙏 and if you're reading this, make sure you take your meds and drink some water today yourself!!

✨️paypal . venmo . cashapp✨️

#me #if we could get a little extra that would be ideal. for gas and other otc meds and stuff #but ive found that the shorter and more concise the post #the quicker we get help #i know folks appreciate the transparency of a x/y goal tracking #but i think theyre also less inclined to engage w bigger amounts and longer posts #so yea #we'll be ok if we only get the 30. we do need more than that. i just dont wanna get my hopes up #im digging around for stuff to pawn this week

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Me, while manically cleaning my room at 3:27am: I should make several large, life-changing, irreversible decisions.

#so ive been in a bad mental state lately #because of many things. but the biggest being (yes i know ive complained about this in multiple other posts) #that my best friend and my ex gf were fucking. without even asking or telling me. i got no heads up. just figured it out on my own #which sucked and now im not speaking to either of them #and when i first found out i was in a bad place physically too #i had a terrible ear infection that was so fucking painful #and i realized i could concentrate on both things. so i focused on healing #and then i remembered ny family is coming to visit for Christmas #and thats a lot to deal with. so now im focusing on cleaning the apartment. specifically my bedroom #so im manically cleaning at 3:30am while angry and stressed and trying not to focus on this thing that makes me really upset #and in the middle of cleaning ill suddenly think 'should i quit my summer camp job?' or 'should i move states again?' #its not good. but i havent acted on anything #AND in the middle of cleaning i found all of my meds #i havent been taking them for months. but i decided im gonna start taking them again #i have a few refills left but then ill have to find a psychiatrist. i dont want to. but its definitely for the best #im trying to get my life back on track and build and better it #but then something hits me and completely derails everything and makes everything so hard #so anyway im gonna go do some more cleaning and try not to make life-altering decisions. and maybe build a desk #btw i have to get up at 9am to take out my puppy. and at 11:35 i have to get ready for work. again its 3:30am #and im full of manic energy #tomorrow is going to be very bad but at least I'll have a semi-clean room

[free-boundsoul]

Menstruation mention, in case anyone wants to avoid

Gods I want nothing more than Damien's hands on my lower stomach right now to soothe these damn cramps.

Or Vega to come around and give me a free hysterectomy since I don't plan to ever use it

#redacted asmr #redacted audio #menstruation #i crave death and chocolate and sleep #maybe not in that particular order #damien would be so sweet during this time of month i just know it #hed know your favorite snacks and have backup meds and sanitary products in case you got it when you werent home #he probably keeps track and knows your cycle better than you do

[buildabruxa]

day 2

Hello, void.

Tumblr is so much different than it was in like, 2011. Like I still have my main tumblr around here somewhere, and I know a lot of my friends are still on this site, but I want to be able to chronicle everything without writing for an audience. Screaming into the void has always been the great thing about tumblr, but making this blog I see how much things have changed. Fuck you, Yahoo.

(Wait, Yahoo still owns tumblr, right?)

Anyway. It's 9:53 am and this is what my morning has looked like so far. I took my Adderall at 5:20 this morning again when Kraken got up, then slept a little more and got myself up at 7 (again, still, SO EASY?!). Sleeping last night was a little difficult - I'm from a desert city, so it's in my blood not to consume too much water. Like a cactus. Plus, I found out I may have esophageal dysphagia (you mean it isn't normal to need liquids for food, and most people don't choke on thick foods?!) and I've always hated swallowing (shhh). I hold liquids in my mouth for a stupid long time. But yesterday I was SO THIRSTY. I always wondered how and why Kraken drank so much water. NOW I KNOW. Plus, I stopped taking the oxybutinin because it was causing bloating and making my eyes dry, which is hell with aging eyes and contacts. So I had to get up to pee last night three. Separate. Times. I did not rest well. And my night twitches got way worse, like my body was powering down from the Adderall. So I let myself sleep until 7, got up, and then

-tried to wake up Naruto, asked if he wanted eggs

-made us tea and him eggs

-went down to switch laundry, realize I didn't run the dryer, run dryer

-tried to wake up Naruto about 6 times between 7:20 and 7:50 (did he eat his eggs? fuck no. After complaining to the psychiatrist that I don't feed him. Sir, you are 15, and you haven't eaten the breakfast I've made you before summer school AT LEAST four times. I do not work, thanks to you attacking Kraken and me needing to take off time to get your mental health sorted, therefore making me lose my job. I can't keep wasting food like this. Ass.)

-Inflated Naruto's tire for school, which didn't need inflating, but he insists it does. He just is huge and I have to check the weight limit on his bike to see if he needs a bigger one. (220 lbs and 5'9" at 15, holy shit. I'm 5'3 and his father is like 5'6". I have no idea where this came from.)

-ran more laundry

-took out Courage, dusted the leather couch in the garage

-watered plants, refilled makeshift birdbaths

-contacted lawyer re: OVI

-reached out to friends to reform our stitch-n-bitch group

-reached out to Viking to tell him I love him, even though we don't talk much anymore

-reached out to friends to plan a dinner for friend who is moving

-did wordle, framed, heardle, Animal Restaurant, and nyt mini

-did more dishes (a fucking Sisyphean effort, but I find I don't mind dishes as much now?)

-folded a bunch of laundry

I have a whole list of shit I need to do but this blog isn't for tracking that, just for seeing what the changes in my life are like. One thing I'm noticing is that I can pick up something and put it back down without my brain going "no no, need to do this this and this and then finish and THEN do that thing" and then hating itself for not knowing where to start/finish.

Also, food tastes bomb af but I don't wanna eat anything past a few bites. I eat for fun, so this is ... disappointing. I also had to quit weed because they're gonna drug test me to make sure I'm not on anything illicit and that I'm taking my meds and not selling them. PLUS I have to figure out drinking again since now I'm on Prozac AND Adderall and it's risky to drink. So I have an asshole 15yo who smokes and vapes and won't fucking quit, and I can't have SHIT for vices to deal.

Other than that? I feel pretty good. Now that my brain isn't bogged down with all the stress of shit executive dysfunction, I can think about things more clearly and enjoy more things.

#adhd parenting #adhd #adderall #prozac #med tracking

[abutterflyobsession]

actually deeply apprehensive about opening up my strange magic fic documents |:

#a butterfly obsesses #maybe I should rewatch the movie as a restart #as someone who's done most of their creative work during manic episodes I need to learn how to do it when I'm on an even keel #see this is why so many bipolar people go off their meds #it feels like the inspiration and creativity has been taken away #don't worry I'm not even considering it. the withdrawal symptoms alone are enough to stop that idea dead in its tracks #plus the ups are not worth the panic attacks and constant feeling I'm being hunted for sport

[tearlessrain]

I've had anxiety pretty much all my life and having my fears/concerns brushed off is not a new thing for me and sometimes it's justified, but it is uniquely annoying in this case because I keep being right, repeatedly, throughout the pandemic, and people are still acting like I'm just being my panicky self and it's not as big a deal as I'm making it.

#for months my mom kept getting on my case about masking in the common areas of her complex #'everyone here is elderly they don't go out! why are you still wearing a mask here?' #and then suddenly what do you know two of her neighbors have covid and I was right #everyone: why are you still isolating and masking so much the pandemic is over! #me: it is not fucking over and it's gonna get worse again because of this #a couple months later: oh god there's a new variant that resists vaccines we couldn't possibly have predicted or prevented this #ironically I got covid somewhere highly improbable back in 2022 and it promptly made my anxiety like 5x worse so now I'm even more annoying #I also just kinda. got worse at spelling and keeping track of information #it's deeply frustrating but at least I never lost taste/smell and meds have helped with the anxiety so eh #still this could have been avoided if people would just take the goddamn thing seriously #and I'm gonna be salty about it for the rest of my life

[thatoneluckybee]

how tall are you again i had a thought but i need to make sure it works

I was 5'6 last I checked

#<- girl who keeps forgetting to check her height and weight despite the fact she probably should #Asks #fruit-gummiees-alt #I really should keep track of this. I know adhd meds mess with height and weight (can hinder growth and lack of hunger often makes you more #Likely to get underweight which happened as a kid) #Idk. I should check that #But I don't think I've gained any height since I checked last