joshua highschool!au
summary: you and joshua hong were strangers at a tutoring academy but what happens when he moves to your school and you guys bond over music and small cute moments?
genre: fluff, slice of life, semi-real life
style: bullet-point
length: 4.4k
a/n: so this is something i’ve wanted to write for a while because it’s actually semi real life (not me ofc i cry someone i know) and i think their story is super cute. i’ve made some alternatives e.g. in real life it’s a church/school setting but because i’m posting on tumblr i decided to change it to a tutoring academy/school setting. but do let me know if you want a version of the original setting :) also this ended up being really really long (mainly bc i know like a lot of exact details and wanted to include as much as i can) and im unsure if you guys like my writing style but im hoping to improve more over time as i hopefully write more bullet point styled scenarios :)
so you’ve been going to this tutoring academy for a while and you go like once a week
you actually look forward to tutoring bc u were actually put in a really good class where everyone is friends and even have a group chat for memes
anyways theres this guy called joshua who sits at the back
and hes like the most handsome guy in the class and all the girls /not so/ secretly fawn over him
and like there are loads of rumours about him which claim that he opened his own lil company that makes apps and stuff which earns him $$$ at the age of 12 and how he like used a drone to capture the whole of his relatives wedding and how he like mastered 3 instruments and is a tech genius and on top of that really smart
which you obviously dont believe because thats not even human ??
anyways you do admit he’s sort of ok-above-average lookswise but u aint that shallow because he has a bad personality and you just hate him
but you have evidence for hating him !!
one time you accidentally walked into him verbally being mean to this other poor guy
so you naturally just assumed he was a bully and had a bad impression of him
you thought he was a prideful annoying rude and horrible person
and you just dont understand the hype about him at the tutoring academy
like they literally give out flyers with his face on it ?? umm ?? what marketing purposes lmao
anyways one day at tutor
your friend kyulkyung is like omg did u hear joshua is transferring to our school next year hdkhfaaku
kyulkyung is highkey a fangirl of him and always tries to talk you into him being a lil angel and nice person but you just snort lol
anyways you obviously dont care that he’s going to your school next year so you just shrug whatever
later that night when u get home u get a friend request on facebook from...dun dun DUNNNN what a surprise joshua hong
and you’re kinda like well ok ?? no harm in accepting a friend request
you accidentally click on his name too and think oh well might as well stalk him a bit
and damn his fb profile is super interesting bc he actually posts a lot but its not like dumb stuff boys usually post about video games
but like cute family pictures of him and his lil bro and you’re like this boy is family oriented i LIKE
then you suddenly come across a video...of this guy from your tutor...on kids masterchef
so u watch it and its the cutest thing ever
lil joshua stirring an egg and trying to make an omelet hehehe
and omg apparently he made it to the semi finals of KIDS MASTERCHEF???
you keep scrolling down and thats when u come across the evidence of him opening up his company with an app and tech jazz and u r like is this guy even rEALL
you’re still doubtful tbh so u go the appstore and type in his app and it comes up...even with CREATOR OF XX APP: JOSHUA HONG ???? you literally fall off ur chair bc wow
he cooks, he makes apps, he’s family oriented..that is all i need in a man HA HA
so next time at tutor u see him ur lowkey like the other girls staring at him bc wow he seems decent all of a sudden lol
ur other tutor friends are like: u r so lucky y/n josh’s gonna be at ur school
and ur kinda thinking maybe i should befriend him now cos he’ll defs be super popular at school
but tbh this fawning literally stops after 2 days and you go back to reality and focus on ur studies and all that
well as for joshua he doesnt really know u too to him ur that cute girl from tutor nothing much
fast forward to the next year ~
you kinda fully forget that josh is even coming
so the first school day back is all nice and chill and u get to ur fave class music heheh
you love music bc it really helps u concentrate and you also play clarinet and piano and love it
you’re also topping the class and sometimes you think you wouldn’t mind being a music teacher
so in music u take a seat next to your friend seungkwan who has power vocals and plays trumpet and when he sings at school performances you always accompany him as a pianist with woozi on drums
you and suengkwan are just chatting and catching up about holidays
when the teacher walks in followed by a student and you see that its joshua
and you’re like thinking o crap this is really awks i should hide
before u can do any of that tho he kinda makes a beeline for you and takes the seat next to u cos he only knows u in the class haha
and you’re literally looking the other way and u pretend u dont notice him take a seat next to u and you’re overly engaged in conversation with seungkwan
but seungkwan being the lovely and outgoing kid notices joshua and is like: hey!! are u new dont think ive seen u before
seungkwan is friends with everyone and everyone loves him back
joshua: uhh yeah i’m new
and seungkwan is super excited and like welcome!! i’m seungkwan and he sticks his hand out and is like and ur name is?
joshua is like i’m joshua
and seungkwan is like oh btw this is y/n
and it gets super awks cos u guys know of each others existence but maybe have talked like once when he had to pass u a bag of chips at tutor and u were like thank u
and seungkwan senses something and eyes you guys back and forth
after 837491 decades josh breaks the silence and is like hello y/n in a really meek voice
and you awkwardly smile and say hi
luckily class starts and the teacher introduces joshua to the class and asks him what instruments he plays
and the rumours prove to be true - he plays 3 instruments piano guitar and flute the real life guy cant play piano lmao
teacher asks him to demonstrate with the instrument hes most confident in
and so he starts playing the guitar to the tune of fireflies by owl city and also shyly starts singing to the lyrics check out how cute joshua is playing fireflies on his guitar here IM sOFTTT
and everyone is in awe at how good he is
and you lowkey feel your heart rate increase bc boi you love guys that play guitar and sing well
the way he sings is very gentle and sweet and the way he strums the guitar with his long fingers and how his eyes are full of gentle passion just makes you sWOOON
and somehow the way he sings with his emotions poured in just really touches your heart
after his performance everyone starts clapping and some girls even stand up and cheer lmao
he gets back to his seat and seungkwan gives him two thumbs up and says: bro are you kimbap kidding you were great you really should play guitar for me next time i sing
thanks says joshua bashfully and he kinda looks over to you with a hopeful look as if hoping you’d say something too
so you’re quickly like: yeah you were really good :)
josh: thanks y/n
anyways the teacher shushes everyone and is like: let me announce your first assignment! it’ll be in groups of 4 and it’ll be a cover of a pop song of your choice which you’d have to arrange yourselves. if you need help, you are welcome to ask other classmates that have experience in arranging or to ask me
whenver its group work you and seungkwan always join woozi
woozi comes over to you guys
and then both woozi and seungkwan are like to joshua: wanna join our group pls
and so joshua joins your group
and everyone else in class is jealous lmao because u 4 are definitely the top group with all the musical geniuses
ur kinda happy that joshua joined ur group bc he’s really good at guitar
and so u guys decide that u will do keyboard, joshua on guitar, woozi on drums and seungkwan on vocals
and y’all learn that joshua knows how to hack into arranging music programs for free
and woozi is like: WHAT MY LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE????
also shows u guys that infamous app you made and he has some secret code so u guys can download it for free instead of buying it for $15
ur group actually gets along really well and has good dynamics bc everyone has great ideas on what songs to do and how to do it and stuff
and its actually really fun with them even though you’re still awkward around joshua for no reason and he’s kinda shy too lmao
joshua suggests doing “breakeven” by the script
and u have a fangirl moment bc u love the script and everyone agrees that its a great song choice :)
anyways one day you guys decide to meet after school to practice and to refine the arranged piece which joshua and woozi did
BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON seungkwan can’t make it anymore bc he has to babysit his little brothers and woozi has a student council meeting
so its just you and joshua
and you two have never been like alone before like during group practice you guys make small conversation when the other two there and its all good and sweet but this was gonna be AWKWARD
anyways so you try to initiate conversation by asking how he’s finding the new school
and he just gives a short answer: pretty ok
and it becomes you two just asking each simple questions and giving short replies
but its only when you he asks you how you started getting into music that the conversation really starts going somewhere because your eyes light up while talking about music and so does hie eyes
and you guys talk about how classical music is so under-appreciated these days and how mozart is a music legend and just the beauty of music etc. etc.
and in no time its getting really dark and you both have to head home
you guys walk to the bus stop and he gets on your bus
and you’re like: hey i don’t think i’ve seen you catch this bus before?
joshua: yeah, but this bus also takes me home there are two buses that stop near my home!
you: oh ok cool
from that day on you and joshua actually got super close due to both your love for music
you guys always practiced together with seungkwan and woozi even when the group performance was over (and your group topped and got A+!!!!!!!!)
you also encouraged joshua to join the school band club which seungkwan and woozi were also part of
you literally baited him in because the school band club was going on tour to europe next year to get some sick masterclass training and perform at famous places in austria
so he basically joined so he could go to europe ;)))))) HEHEH
and even though you guys have different friend groups you guys sat near each other in the classes you shared, went to band club every monday morning at like 7am and also sometimes grabbed food together before tutoring
this was when literally EVERYONE at tutoring and school started shipping u two together and you’d get embarrassed and joshua wouldn’t really say much either
and to be honest deep in your heart you thought joshua was the ideal boyfriend but you had a rule where you weren’t gonna date in high school bc you wanted to focus on studies and you thought that high school relationships dont last and that they were pointless
and you’ve never really had a crush before so you’re super clueless lmao
one time students in ur music class volunteered to busk on the streets and you thought it’ll be fine so u and ur squad (josh, seungkwan and woozi) all signed up for it ^^
BUT when the day came around, woozi had a really bad fever and couldn’t get out of bed and seungkwan’s mum had to show up to work so seungkwan had to babysit his little brothers again
and so the busking was at school ..,,, except when u got to school the gates were locked AND it literally started pouring
you regretted not agreeing to your mum driving u bc u were a good daughter and didn’t want to bother her when it was her birthday
you also regretted not bringing an umbrella with u as u didn't want to miss ur bus
and so there you were soaking wet in the rain on a saturday morning not pleasant
you didn't know what to do and none of your gal friends were busking and u didn't want to bother them so you ended up calling joshua and he picked up in 2 rings
joshua: hey whats up?
you: sorry to ask of this but are you almost at school? because the gates are locked
joshua: oh really? i’ll be there in like 1 minute
you: ok see you soon
and in exactly one minute a car appeared and joshua hopped out with an umbrella
and he had the most concerned expression when he saw u soaking wet without an umbrella
joshua: omg y/n are you stupid why dont you have an umbrella
you just sighed as he held the umbrella above both ur heads
joshua: why don’t we go inside my mums car before we decide what to do i dont want you getting sick :(
you guys headed to his mums car and he just held the umbrella above both your heads and you noticed that it covered more of you than him
he could have easily put his arm around u so he wouldn’t get wet at all
but this was one thing you came to notice and really admire about joshua
that he’s such a respectful gentleman
whenever you befriended a guy you’d low key make it clear that you weren’t interested and just jokingly friend zone them
he never made you uncomfortable with his actions or words and always 100% respected you and kept his boundaries
anyways soon u guys found out that you had to enter the school from the back gates instead of the front gates and the rain slowly came to a stop
cue: joshua’s mum eyeing you two in the rear mirror from the front lmao
anyways the day went well and you guys had a lot of fun busking together and even got ice cream together afterwards :))
next year rolls around and you guys have only maths and music classes together but still hang at tutoring
its valentines day and tbh u never expect much because you’ve never received a red rose you’ve only gotten those yellow friendship roses
but during roll call the person giving out roses is like: y/n a red rose for you!!!!
and you’re so SO happy bc who could be this secret admirer??
the rose also came with a super lame pick up line “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
you were so curious as to who it was
joshua: oooOOOHHHH whose the unlucky guy pls we all know its you lmao
anyways europe FINALLy rolls around and heck u are keen to visit mozart’s house
some of your girl friends like eunwoo, yuha and roa are also going
when the whole band club arrives in europe every day is busy busy with music workshops and such and its only 5 days in where the teachers who came on the trip give the students like 3 hours of free time
teacher: ok u guys must be in a pair at least so u don’t get lost!!
however, all ur friends only want to go shopping while u wanted to take a walk and admire the scenery of europe
but then someone taps you on the shoulder and u turn around and its joshua
joshua: hey what were you planning to do during the free time?
you: i wanted to look around and see the architecture and the scenery and stuff but everyone wants to go shopping :(
joshua: oh really! thats so good because me too i’d rather take a walk around here rather than go shopping; all my friends wanted to shop too
you: omg thats great we are always in sync arent we haha
joshua: yeah we are! let’s go together then?
so you and joshua walk around the land of austria and admire the beautiful architecture and takes pictures of the scenery and visit all the pretty churches
it’s literally your favourite day so far in europe bc you’re so happy ahhaa
(little did you know tho seungkwan literally refused joshua to hang out with him bc he was so sick of seeing joshua tiptoe around you. seungkwan: I BEG U TO HAVE SOME ALONE TIME WITH HER PLS BE ROMANTIC PLS CONFESS ALREADYYYY)
so that night dinner is also free time so students can choose where they wanna go to eat and seungkwan joins you guys and you guys all end up in a really fancy and aesthetic restaurant
where the lighting is dim, there are lit candles and roses hung around and its literally a beautiful restaurant
you’re super oblivious but seungkwan is like glaring at joshua the whole time and kicking him under the table
while they’re having a staring contest you’re just chatting away about how much of a great time you’re having and how this is the first time in your life you’ve been inside such a nice restaurant and chugging on your food
after the meal you take a toilet break and little do you know while you’re doing so seungkwan is giving mediating lessons to joshua so he can calm down
and by the time you get back seungkwan is gone
you: oh where did seungkwan go?
joshua: oh he just went to chat with woozi
you take a seat and is like: so do u reckon we should head now?
and then joshua is like: actually there’s something i really want to say to you
and you just look at him super confused bc did something bad happen?? and you’re just super clueless and oblivious to his feelings towards you
bc the reason why ppl even ship u guys in the first place is because everyone can see how the way he stares at you, cares for you, catches your bus thats a 15min walk to his home when there’s one that stops directly in front of his home, how he always helps you with work, how he always encourages you to not give up whenever you’re having a hard time
and then joshua is like: y/n you probably have an idea already but i really like you, i like you a lot. i’ve liked you since we got ditched by seungkwan and woozi in music class and we ended up talking about music and had a proper conversation. also the rose for valentines day this year, that was me too
and you are S H O O K
and your mind is blank
and then you blurt out the dumbest thing ever
“sorry i only see u as a friend and dont want to date in high school”
.....
teacher: ok guys we are heading back to the hotel now!!!!!
joshua’s eyes and shoulder’s drop completely and he looks so discouraged and sad
and you’re brain is just confused as to what just happened...you suddenly feel hurt? lost?
you told yourself never to like anyone and up until now you’d never felt your heart race for anyone...you suddenly felt like you lost someone precious....someone special...
you guys part ways and head back to your respective friendship groups
and the moment you get back to the hotel you head straight for your room, not wanting to talk to anyone about what just happened
bc girl u needed time to process what just happened and to really think bc you’re heart was aching for some strange reason
(obviously you were oblivious to the fact that you had always liked joshua the whole time sighs)
you can’t think straight so you decide to call ur sister nayoung
you completely forget about the time difference between europe and australia
and so when nayoung picks up she’s groaning into the phone: IDIOT ITS 7AM HERE AND A SATURDAY I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP
you: you won’t believe what happened
nayoung: what did you get a boyfriend lmao
bc before u went to europe ur sister always joked about finding a handsome european guy with a cool accent lmao
you: not really no
nayoung: WHAT
so you tell your sister everything that happened and how you felt so empty and lost after rejecting joshua and unexpectedly you even start crying
and you can hear your sister sigh over the phone
nayoung: look y/n, the fact that you’re crying and even more confused obviously means you like him. to be honest i always had a feeling he liked you and i also thought you liked him too. these days all you ever talk about is him at home and you’ve never said a negative thing about him,,, you totally like him
and you being a stubborn one are like: “no he’s my friend a really close friend that i trust, he’s basically my brother, its like i lost a relative” you sob
nayoung: remember in weightlifting fairy kim bok joo...do you think you’ll be okay if joshua wasn’t by your side anymore? think about it carefully, thank about all the times you relied on him in the last year sorry had to bring in weightlifting fairy kim bokjoo because #swag forever and this part actually happened in real life bc the girls sister said this lmao
and well it was true that you’d relied on joshua too much recently there were times where you were struggling and u turned to him for advice in particular that time where you were considering dropping out of music bc it was getting stressful and taking up so much time
and no matter what your family and friends said you wouldn’t listen but when joshua advised you mind u with the exact same things nayoung said you somehow trusted his words and he was like your rock at times and always willing to listen to u and encourage u
by this point more and more tears were flowing and you didn’t even know why YOU LIKE JOSHUA BUT U R OBLIVIOUS POTATO
nayoung: maybe you can tell him that you were flustered so you can rethink it again you might regret this later
you: ok thats a good idea ill try to...
and after nayoung the best sister in the world pep talked u and lectured u for the next hour u finally decided that you would reconsider ur decision and let joshua know
you were dreading the awkwardness bc ever since the confession u guys had not talked and avoided eye contact at all costs
you sighed and decided to sleep so u wouldn’t have to think about it for now and deal with it tomorrow
meanwhile in joshua and seungkwans room
josh: seUNGKWAN U LIL IDIOT she freaking rejected me this is the most embarrassing rejection in the world how will i live after today??????
seungkwan: i dont get it tho y/n clearly likes u why would she reject u i even asked y/n’s sister nayoung to see if she had a crush on anyone
josh: i’m never talking to u again seungkwan do u know how hurt i am
*cue seungkwan trying to make joshua laugh by acting out natural disaster scenes from american movies lmao*
so the next day you’re trying to find the opportunity to talk to joshua but he was always surrounded by ppl
and u were so nervous bc u had planned what to say in ur head and despite the weather being -2318 degrees Celsius u were sweating from head to toe
anyways right after breakfast and before boarding the bus u finally see joshua by himself because seungkwan had gone to the loo
and you slowly approach joshua taking deep breaths because u were about to face the most awkward conversation of ur life
but before u actually reached joshua he saw u coming and awkwardly looked away as he rubbed the back of his neck
but u had to do this nayoung was right what if u regretted this and took this to ur grave he was the one guy u were so comfortable around and u could be yourself and he was so supportive and not to mention cute and smart too
you: hey josh
josh: oh uh hi y/n
you: ummm look i wanted to talk to u about ummm yesterdays events
cringe it was already getting so so so awkward bury me in a hole already
josh: ahhh ok sure what do you need to say?
you: the thing i’m really sorry about what i said yesterday...tbh i was really flustered and i just ended up blurting that out i hope i didn't hurt you. but i wanted to ask if u could give me a chance to reconsider what u said bc ur a really great guy and i think i’ve never seen u in a romantic way before so starting now i’ll seriously consider your feelings for me and also work out if i have feelings for u
and u were so embarrassed and u felt ur cheeks go red and ur looking at the ground
josh: a chance? i couldn’t even get a single minute of sleep last night says josh jokingly
you: omg really im so sorry :(
josh: its okay im really happy that you’re giving me a chance ;;; like tbh if u think about it, we go same tutoring, see each other in band club and even share closes together...we really can’t be awkward around each other so i was thinking of approaching u and telling u that its ok if u didn't feel the same way
you: *blush* yeah thats true.............
josh: so y/n dont be awkward anymore ok? lets go back to the way we were
you nod sheepishly
josh: and just give me your answer when you’re ready,,, i can wait an eternity for u HDJWFHWWK CAN YOU IMAGINE JOSHUA ACTUALLY SAYING THAT I CANT EVEN
and yay its all good between u guys and no awkwardness and you guys back to your usual relationship
and like the more you think about it, you find urself falling for joshua and noticing just how handsome he was and how kind he was
and you just really liked the fact that he was such a gentleman
he didn’t push you about your feelings, he continued to respect ur personal space and he didn’t make moves on u and just continued to be a good friend
but u heard from seungkwan that he was hurting a lot inside even though he smiled whenever u were around
and u didn’t like seeing him in this state
so you decided on ur answer !!!
(bc ur heart fluttered so much whenever you were around him and u started actually caring about ur looks and how he thought of u)
it was first period at school and it was music class
like 97% of music classes it was just practice
and u purposely get seungkwan and woozi to practice with all the other students
so u and joshua are just sitting on the stairs and joshua is lightly strumming on his guitar looking like a prince i tell u
and u guys are just chatting away normally and u tell yourself i need to say it its okay it’s normal i’m just gonna say it
and u probably have a super panicky look on ur face
and josh is like: r u ok y/n?
you: im fine..it’s just that i wanted to tell you something...about u know...that
and you see josh’s face literally drop and he stops strumming his guitar and mumbles: oh
because joshua thinks he’s gonna get rejected for the second time rip
and you’re really flustered again so you’re like
“i like you too, i want to give us a chance i can’t afford to lose you”
and literally the josh’s mouth curls into the biggest grin and u can see his eye smile hdahfoeifhq
and he looks you in the eye: y/n will you be my girlfriend starting from today?
you: yes i will joshua
IDAHLQF QYES FINALLY YOU GUYS ARE TOGETHER
literally everyone is happy and suengkwan wants to throw a party for u guys
basically at school u guys are the music couple bc u guys sometimes do duets and are always defending each other when other ppl say that classical music is dumb
and one time a teacher was super mean to u and joshua stood up for you and you are like where did the shy joshua go
you guys perform a lot with the squad aka seungkwan and woozi
joshua even shouts seungkwan bc seungkwan played a big role
*nayoung in the background: what about me :((((((*
and like at tutoring the tutor, jeonghan is even happy and is like to this kid: pass me $10 i said so they’d get together this year lmao
i just realised i forgot about kyulkyung lmao
kyulkyung is so happy and loves third wheeling dates to get free food lmao bc joshua is such a gentleman and insists on paying all the time
but eventually u guys decide to take turns and agree that he can treat desert
and yeah you guys are couple goals because super supportive of each other, always watching out for one another and you guys only have eyes for each other
ok i need to end it here lmao its like too long
and yes this girl got confessed to in austria (when they live in australia) its actually so romantic tbh im not jealous at all *wiggles eyebrows*
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my first entry
all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness
Im watching queer eye.
SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)
I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old
and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.
what i do know is
I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.
I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)
i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.
My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.
i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.
i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.
I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with.
I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.
i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.
but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life
I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.
I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender.
I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.
i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.
I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.
I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.”
I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.
I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.
I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.
I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me
I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.
I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.
i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.
i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.
i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.
if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds
i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.
i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.
if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.
I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself.
idk what this was but its on the internet
-GE
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part 2 poetic waxing
i keep getting really mad at my ex the second i realize i was thinking something thats not real
because to the best of my knowledge she read this blog and heard me talk about my expiriences for so long and then she,,,,completely misunderstood them and tried to replicate them in a way that doesnt. make sense. and isnt what this is. and im still hoenstly really offended by that because wow.
and i just wanna say like.
especially since this blog is pretty much entirely Unseen now
like
im still terrified to recognize myself as psychotic
i dont want to be psychotic
im afraid to talk about it with my doctor or even touch on the symptoms and eps of it and im terrified to get put on pills for it and its a shit show
i think with the people im closest to i try to normalize the idea of being that way with myself
and i pretend the idea of being psychotic doesnt terrify me and say it freely
because its not going away and im scared and i need to learn to not be so scared if im going to deal with it in any capacity i need to be able to recognize it
it was a long process.
i didnt start being that way overnight and i didnt recognize it until way after it started
and its not just 1 thing
to me the embodiment of it and the whole problem is that youre just constantly trying to figure out whats real and whats going on like your being hit on all sides
id describe my perception of and ability to perceive reality as a wall thats always being eroded down but can also have parts break off or have holes blown in it at any second...and im constantly trying to build the wall back up and reinforce it and repair it.
but i usually dont have a fully formed wall and even if i got there id only be able to maintain it for so long until half of it got blown up again.
etc etc wall metaphor
if i leave it itll just fuckin collapse entirely
but yeah yknow like.
a delusion isnt just ‘when you think something that isn’t real.’
and like not to dip a bit too much into tumblr vocab and context or whatever but like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the way Neurotypicals take symptom descriptions at total face value is...tiring. idk how else to describe it. theres so much context missing.
these symptoms for me started up when i was a kid and got worse.
it was because i have so much family history with this shit that i finally noticed it and compared and recognized the beginning to get worse problem
because ive seen it in my brother and my uncle and my grandma and my family for years and i know it up close and personally
i dont just have some kind of kooky thoughts that i recognize arent real while im having them. my ability to do that at all came with practice and time and repitition.
i dont know when im not dreaming.i see and feel things that arent there.
i think thoughts that i cant recognize as mine and are usually a bunch of nonsense word salad shit.
i have real prolonged trouble recognizing myself as a human being thats physical and has human limits.
i have toruble percieving the present. i have trouble remembering the past.
i constantly really for real feel like ive seen this before.
every time i have deja vu i like have a whoel fuckign Moment lmao
i assume people think the worst of me and want to hurt me.
i assume the end of the world is happening out of nowhere and i really think its happening.
i think God is trying to punish me.
I think spirits are coming after me.
I really believe it.
I spend my day crying and panicking and hiding from shit that isnt real.
i convince myself my whole life is some kind of divine punishment.
its on top of that and
its after years of that
and years of seeing family members older than me and farther into it than me degrading at the same time
that i think some dumb shit and immediately catch myself
or that i think im getting psychic messages and can immediately be like ‘ok calm down’
its because im trying to convince myself im NOT like a psychic prophet and ive been able to recognize it before that i can see a message for what it is and recognize what im doing
its bc ive corroborated the expirience with my brother after doing it for years and years already
i didnt wake up one day and start thinking i was a prophet but also recognizing thats crazy yknow
i thought i was a prophet and then as i grew up i started realizing that it was crazy because i found resources and saw what my family was going through and got so sick of the worst parts and thought something had to be wrong with that picture
and even then
the messages arent a delusion
having dejavu and being suspicious of it isnt a delusion
wishing something was true isnt a delusion
believing in gods and spirits and weird reincarnation stuff isnt a delusion
they’re parts of a whole and thats only a few of the parts
like an example of levels
really liking a celebrity isnt psychotic
wishing you were married isnt psychoticdaydreaming about being married to them isnt psychotic
imagining they’re talking to you or they’re addressing something in an interview to you isn’t psychotic, in and of itself
(imagining the message but also kind of beliving it also isn’t )
actually beliving they’re addressing you in an interview or something isn’t a delusion, and though its like Psychotically-associated isnt An Automatic Sticker Of Psychosis slapped on your forehead
forgetting you aren’t acutally married sometimes isn’t a delusion.actually beliving you’re married to them is a delusion.
you won’t be able to recognize it as that until later.
the other behaviors, for you, since youre having a delusion, will come off of that.
someone non-delusional who really loved to dream about it might convince themselves into some magical thinking about the celebrity.
for you though, its because you’re married. you’re literally actually married so of course they’re leaving little hints for you! you never get to see each other!
you rationalize it.
because you believe it and having someone put a crack in things you believe in is scary for anyone.
i mean especially wow if someone told you were werent actually married to your spouse and didn’t even know them? they didn’t even know youre name or that you existed? that would be horrifying. of course youd come up with rationalizations.
and that delusion probably started because you really liked them and because you were lonely. but also because youve been having some issues and either are psychotic, were developing psychotic symptoms, or like Had The Propensity To Be Psychotic in general yknow like. the seeds were there or you were already living life as a psychotic tree and this was just a new branch.
after a while they might start to get it.
they might start poking holes in there own reasoning and being brave enough to follow that path.
and hopefully from there theyll get to the still-beleving-it-but-also-recognizing-its-’fake’ stage.
there are a lot of reasons i dont want to be psychotic.
no one should want to be.
anyone who says they want to be is either someone who’s a disgusting creep thinking other peoples crisises are some hot edgy mysterious shit OR theyre a psychotic person trying to humor themselves and be okay with themselves.
and you should be ok with yourself but that shouldnt replace wanting to improve and manage that really scary world-ending parts of shit.thats a whole other topic though
like
i dont want to be psychotic because im terrified of slowly loosing my mind. thats a freaky prospect that no one should really want. i only want that when im suicidal and wish i just didnt have a mind to think with at all kind of shit.
i dont want to be psychotic because i dont want to keep having these episodes and seeing this shit and thinking this shit. a lot of it is absolutely terrifying. other things are less active but like...i wish i could trust anyone ever. i wish i could trust my own judgement. i wish i didn’t get obsessive and weird about contamination and not be able to eat food or need to contain myself from freaking out if certain people touch me. that shit isnt cowering from God under a desk but its annoying and i don’t want to be doing it. i wish i could stop doing it.
i don’t want to be psychotic because once youve had it confirmed that you believe things that arent real that makes it just that much harder to trust literally anything you think.i have to check everything with people because what if im wrong or assuming or jsut being crazy or i thought something up that isnt true.and we all seem to have an amazing knack for like doign that whenever we were actually with reality, and forgetting to do it when we do actually have something a little confused lol. maybe thats subconscious.
i dont wanna be psychotic because i want some things to be true!! you know!! and learnign they arent is, again, confusing and really scary. no matter what it is. but if its something that you like or that brings you some kinda positive shit then thats even worse to have taken away and have be a lie. and even worse a Crazy Lie.
i don’t know how much of my religious views to trust and thinking that anything i believe in or think is up for questioning brings up a whole lot of good things that i dont want to be up for questioning.part of the reason im scared to go on meds is because im really worried some good things will turn out fake and go away.
im worried about what all could just like...dissappear. what if the whole world changed. what if im wrong about more than i thought or something that id never even considered.
like.....im out of steam now but.
yeah.
idk
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