#maybe im just stupid. maybe im just too easily attached and im clingy and i expect too much

[skrimply]

whatever idk!!!! im not gonna let myself feel pathetic trying to keep this up when you don't seem to care to do the same! im not gonna let myself look stupid responding right away and trying to hold conversation when you probably dont think of me at all!!! i won't let myself think about you all day and wish for something that i guess isn't gonna happen! you're so pretty and you know it and you have to know how you make people feel about you and you know you're cool and attractive and you Know people are gonna get attached to you you must!!!!! you must know that i would! and you told me you liked me you told me you wanted to see me again you said all those lovely things to me that you must have known would stick with me! and im stupid im so stupid for probably just being another one to you!!! stupid for wanting to be something special or to mean something to you!! you must make everyone feel so special for a few days! and im not! you cant even think to text me and i let myself look ridiculous for you!!! you held my hand and kissed me and said you liked it and you missed it and i dont believe you!!!!!!!

#vent #diary #you didnt respect my time and you didnt think of what it would mean to me to do that and i let you keep being so sweet to me even when #you didn't respect even my time #now you talk to me so infrequently and when you do its like i dont mean anything and none of what happened happened #maybe im just stupid. maybe im just too easily attached and im clingy and i expect too much #maybe im being so fuckin. dramatic #and maybe you dont owe me anything #but that doesn't mean you didnt make me feel shitty either way #and i still cant decide what to do abour it #because we all know i'll wanna respond in the same minute when you wonr text back for hours either way #and i'll want to see you again because man i want to see you again #but maybe i should just give it up #maybe i should have known you'd be mean right away #like its not about me for you its about having A me #AND YOU!!+++! asked ME out first! #and now im the one here liking you while you dont think about me at all

[mejomonster]

Currently (or maybe soon) Reading Novels, some thoughts:

I'm currently reading In The Dark volume 1. My thoughts so far: they're a good writer, not my favorite though (priest is still pretty easily the favorite of mine style wise), but I do like the fast pacing of this novel and the way the author moves things along. Both me, and priest, sometimes dawdle in a scene for ages soaking it up, which is fun to read but also thats how you get the 4000 character chapters priest writes ToT (and the 3000-5000 words a scene i often write). So this writer is inspiring me to try and be more casual about my writing as far as just moving forward, not caring so much about perfect in depth ness. Plot wise? Mixed. So far its fairly basic, with the tell tale signs of general tropes like traditionally pretty leads and heroic detectives with playboy vibes. After priest its just hard to adjust... priest makes Such specific characters, even when they fall in some trope categories theyre so unique you'd not swap them with any other similarly trope having character or it would feel wrong. Like Luo Wenzhou is heroic detective playboy, but his history (of failed dating) hangs off of him heavy, his nurturing protective loyal to a fault colors every decision he makes (from getting to attached to fei du, clingy to tao ran, blind to superiors being shady, and trusting of mentor's children even if crime adjacent or involved until its IN his face), his controlling leadership style seeps into interactions with everyone from his parents to best friend to boss to coworkers to barely adjacent witnesses. His character faults (and unique aspects i love) are so intrinsic to him i could never mistake him for zhao yunlan Another Playboy Rich Dad Heroic Detective. Zhao yunlan isnt controlling, he is more level headed in viewing people with the facts before letting loyalty blind him, zhao yunlan is far WORSE at self care and nurturing of others and when he does help others its motivated by charm or kindness first (versus Luo Wenzhous ingrained normal state is nurturing, he finds it feels safe, lets him control making sure others have X things they need and provide routine to help them, hes a mother hen). Luo Wenzhou is quite aware of his economic status, his family backgrounds, comparative to his employees, comparative to fei du, just a general much higher awareness of how those differences affect everyone (from it being too hard to ever get custody of fei du as a possibly abused child, because luo is unrelated and too poor to challenge custody with a CEO, to the way hes aware he can abuse powers in certain ways that his underlings cant... so he stands up to authority more with an awareness hes got more room to negotiate). Zhao Yunlan is more reckless amd uncaring if there are consequences as long as he does the right thing (though he has status to somewhat protect him), while lup wenzhou is actually viscerally aware of risks at all time and despite being passionately kind and believing in justice... he is aware if hes not careful as he acts, then the effort is wasted and he will fail and no one will be helped. Luo wenzhou is much cooler headed and less passion motivated than zhao yunlan (though zjao yunlan isnt as simple as hot headed as hes got inherent power and intuition and ftankly Can Afford to be riskier). My point is... priest can give me multiple characters that would be summarized under the same tropes and be vastly different in actual personality. In The Dark? So far its not giving me much to make its characters stand out compared to say the intro to Breaking Through The Clouds ive read. Nor is its case. But time will tell. I need good characters though or i get bored.

I will say though, In The Dark so far succeeds at feeling like a detective novel aimed at murder mystery readers With queer characters, rather than being a BL with a murder mystery side plot. Theres 3 queer characters within the first few chapters, so no stupid "im not gay except for him" and a realism to handling queer characters that feels nice. Its similar to MoDu in that way, so im anticipating a solidly written murder mystery with queer characters as major players.

Novels Im considering reading (so any thoughts? Suggestions??): liehuo jiaochou, the positive? Its kind of mutants in the present plot, which is one of my favorite plots and what sucked me into Guardian the drama. Since i loved xmen and qnything with an xmen like premise will make me interested. Also, theres an ancient guy in it, so i like the themes possibly of past compared to present, beliefs clashing, moving forward. Can ci pin: i know im going to like it, the downside is its SO long im not sure im up for it right now. 2ha: i never finished it and own 3 of the print books now, so i know ill like it and i love meatbuns writing. Downside? Its SO LONG also i kind of want to read something new, and the first 100 chapters would be rereading. Peach Blossom Debt: i own it now, i heard Etetnal Love sort of ripped it off so im curious if pbd is better... because i basically hated and hate watched Eternal Love... but i saw the potential in some of it, and it was very queer friendly suprisingly for a bg romance drama. Imperial Uncle: i heard it was great, i think edanglars translated it so love that for me. Tai Sui by priest: i heard its amazing, but its very long so im not sure i qm up for it now. Guardian: see heres the thing. Ive read 20% in chinese. Its slow going. But im 1/5 through it so im kind of commited to finishing it in chinese. Its taking ages but ive just been picking qt it, im unlikely to read it any faster frankly, and im unlikely to touch the english copy at this point until im done with the chinese so i can have fun comparing the translation to the original. Also i need to reblog the Kunlun intro i translated, because its in my chinese print copy but they did not include it in the english translation :/ i hope they include the shen san extra in the english translation eventually. But im bummed theyre not including everything. Jinse by priest: i heard it was good, im glad its short, but not sure hpw into the plot ill be. Sha po lang: i just want the drama to live... i want tan jianci.... anyway. I want to read it and i know ill like historical steampunk... but im in a murder scary stories supernatural mood lately, so murder mysteries like In The Dark and supernatural like Guardian are just wayyyy easier for me to focus on and read right now.

#rant #cnovel #cnovels #im very up for recommendations and thoughts if u have any

[beccascribbles]

hi! can i ask for a scenario where ushijima, tsukki, kenma said something maybe out of the line that hurt your feelings and you just give them the silent treatment or become distant?? then like how they'd react to it and stuff :) thank you vm, have a good day 🙈

a/n - sorry this took me so long to write (and post). anyway, i hope you enjoy it. it was my first time writing for kenma so i'm not sure if i portrayed him right but let me know what you think!

"you're acting like a child," he sighs, pushing you away from him. your arms fall to your sides, missing the feeling of ushijima's warm body. "stop being so clingy. it's annoying"

you knew he was honest, but there is a time and a place for him to voice his opinion on your affection, and in front of his friends was not one of them

all you had wanted to do was give him a hug in greeting. yes, you may have stayed attached to him longer than was necessary but you had barely seen him all day

"okay," you say, turning on your heel and walking away. you don't even bother saying goodbye, too hurt and annoyed to bother

ushijima's brows furrow in confusion as he watches you walk away. tendou is watching the scene with wide eyes, fighting the urge to snicker

"did i do something wrong?" ushijima questions, staring after your receding figure. tendou finally does let out a snort, quickly slapping his hands over his mouth when ushijima turns to look at him

it is semi who gives ushijima's shoulder a squeeze in reassurance, though his eyes hold slight judgement as he says, "you hurt their feelings because you were being too blunt. you should probably apologise"

ushijima nods and then follows after your figure, his strides lengthening to catch up with you

his hand, warm and large, encloses around your own as he catches up to you, matching your pace

you remain silent, choosing to ignore his presence beside you

the silence settles between you, heavy and unwanted. though his mouth opens to form words, he can't bring himself to say anything. maybe it's his stubbornness, but he can't see how his words may have hurt you when they were the truth

"now who's being clingy?" you mumble angrily, yanking your hand from his grip and increasing your pace. your arms cross over your chest so he can't take your hand again. this increase in pace doesn't bother him and he easily matches it

he is persistent, irritatingly so. when he follows you into your room, you almost snap. instead, you silently fume, collapsing onto your bed and turning away from him. he watches your figure, expression holding slight confusion

"why are you ignoring me?"

you stay silent, stubbornly staring at the wall instead of him. when the mattress dips slightly under his weight, you scoot closer to the wall. his frown deepens

"what did i do wrong?" he questions, and you let out a sigh at how oblivious he is. "i was just being honest..."

your scowl deepens, especially when you feel him rest his hand on your back soothingly, rubbing circles into it. it is ushijima's turn to sigh as he looks at you

"i'm sorry if my words hurt you," he admits, the words causing you to turn slightly to look at him. his expression is as stoic as usual, though his eyes soften when they meet yours

"i just wish you had more of a filter sometimes, toshi," you explain, sitting up and leaning back against the headboard. you hug your knees to your chest, head tilting to look at him. "i know you tend to say what you're thinking but i sometimes wonder if you understand how what you say can effect other people. you called me a child, clingly, annoying. that's hurtful, toshi. you probably didn't mean it like that but you did hurt my feelings. i hadn't seen you all day and, when i hugged you, you told me that?"

"i'm sorry," he says again, a slight frown to his face as he considers your words. his arm wraps around your shoulders, pulling you into his body. "i'll try to think about my words before i say them from now on"

he hugs you tight, and you relax in his hold, savouring the closeness

it's normal for him to send a teasing remark your way, just as it's normal for you to return the favour

however, today, his words hit a little too close to home, targeting an insecurity he wasn't aware of

you were frowning down at the maths sheet in front of you, brows furrowed as you struggled to work out the problems

you never usually felt inferior in terms of academics, but, right now, as you struggled to work out what was relatively simple maths, it started to grate at you

tsukishima wasn't really helping the issue. he seemed oblivious to your stressing, leaning back in his chair as he nodded his head along to the music

his eyes slid over to you, to your figure scribbling away on the paper. he pulled his headphones off, shooting you a teasing grin (though this went unnoticed by you)

his voice, light and teasing, cut through your focus, the words immediately putting you on edge

"if you focus any harder, you're going to be even more stupid than you already are"

your lips pursed but he went on, oblivious to your discomfort

"i can actually see the last bits of your intelligence leaving yout skull." this was punctuated by his finger giving your forehead a poke

you flinched away from him, a scowl lining your features. mumbling under your breath a number of unflattering things, you gathered your work and shoved it into your bag

"where are you going?" he asked, sitting up straighter in his chair, eyes filled with confusion and a bit of concern

you ignored him, pushing open the classroom door, deciding to head to the library to get away from him

for the rest of the day, tsukishima's attempts to speak to you were met with stony silence

so, naturally, he got annoyed, pissed off, and decide to ignore you to

it got to the point where both of you were simply staring through the other as if they weren't there when in a group situation, which was awkward for everyone involved

it was kageyama who told you to get your shit together, while hinata and yamaguchi could only agree

"i will when he apologises for being a dick," you said to kageyama, while tsukishima's eyes narrowed into a glare

"what the fuck," he snapped. "you've been giving me the cold shoulder all day and it's somehow my fault? bullshit"

you spun to face him, arms crossing over your chest. you spat, "you called me stupid when i was stressing over my math work. was i supposed to say thanks? fine. thank you, kei, that was really fucking helpful"

"what?" he blinked, looking at you im confusion. yes, he had teased you. but, he assumed you would know that he had been joking. if he had thought you were struggling, he would of helped you

as this was happening, your friends had edged away to give you some privacy. this was why tsukishima felt fine in admitting this to you

"if i thought you were struggling, you know i would have helped you." his hand reached out to take your hand, finger stroking your knuckles as his eyes met yours

you let out a frustrated sigh, your resolve crumbling. "i know... sorry for being a bit of a brat about it. i should've just told you that you had hurt me"

"yeah, you should've," he teased, pulling you closer to him. his lips pressed against your forehead in apology for getting annoyed at you in. "but, it's fine"

when you came over that weekend, he was busy gaming, like he usually was

ordinarily, when you walked through the door, he would start to wrap up the game, saying goodbye to who he was in the call with

today, however, was slightly different

he was playing a particularly difficult story game, which he had been struggling to complete all week (his choices, much to his frustration, kept getting the character killed)

therefore, you could understand why he was engrossed enough to only give you a simple greeting, a nod of the head

expecting him to only take an hour at maximum (you were content to just be in his company), you relaxed on the bed and pulled out your phone. two hours later, he had still not said a word to you

you sat up on the bed, moving towards him to drape yourself over the back of his chair, resting your head on his shoulder

"kenma..." you said, drawing out his name slightly, "are you almost finished?"

"urgh, just fuck off," he sighed, shrugging your arms off of him. "can't you see i'm busy?"

"fine," you snapped, stepping away from him and heading towards the bedroom door. you pushed it open and let it slam shut behind him

for a moment, you paused, waiting to see if he would react, maybe realise what he said was wrong. instead, the room remained painfully still

when it became clear he was not coming out to find you, you straightened and walked out of the house

kenma didn't realise you were avoiding him for a couple days until he picked up his phone to see no messages from you

it became clear that you were making every effort to avoid him when you made no effort to see him in person

he got so confused as to why you were clearly distancing yourself from him that he went to kuroo

it was after talking with his friend that he realised he had been insensitive and rude

however, you were hard to get alone, using every excuse avaliable to you to get out of spending time with your boyfriend

the whole thing was frustrating, to say the least. he missed you (though don't expect him to openly admit it)

it took him saying 'i'm sorry' rather loudly in a public area for you to turn to face him

your pause gave him the chance to grab your hand, to keep you anchored to him in case you left again

"sorry, are you?" you asked, head cocked slightly. "not a nice feeling, being ignored, is it?"

you would admit you were being a bit bratty, but, to be fair, he deserved

naturally, kenma didn't bother to reply, but it was fine, the gentle way he squeezed your fingers and the quick kiss he brushed to the side of your head more than enough to convey his apology

#hq requests #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu headcanons #hq x reader #hq headcanons #ushijima headcanons #ushijima x reader #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima headcanons #kenma x reader #kenma headcanons

[daddy-daichis]

Yesterday the very beautiful and talented @fuwari-s tagged me in this game and since that post is already really long i figured id make a new one lol  (Also thank you for tagging me, it made me so happy)

The Game: Tag your 2D lovers + the other trend I saw yesterday and wanted to do which is Would you actually date them IRL. So ill put that under the cut because it is a lot.

HQ: Atsumu, Daichi, Issei, Bokuto, Hinata, and Kyoutani

BNHA: Bakugou, Denki, and Hawks

JJK: Sukuna and Mei Mei

Others: Kagami from KNB, Levi and Jean from AOT, and Mikoto Suoh from K

So if you want to know if i would date them irl that is below the cut lol

As for tagging... if you want to do it :) @eijirosriot @bokutosnumberonefan @hinosreis @tetsus-kitten @sugawarakoushihoe @mynameisjackattack and anyone else who wants to do one or both of these challenges.

Alright so would i date these men (+ mei mei) in real life. Short answer is yes lmao. Long answer, with some headcanons that may or may not  venture into 18+ category but only slightly. all aged up to be my age which is 26.

Atsumu - PLEASE, YES

we would be so chaotic together but he would also be really loving. As long as he can still prioritize me in a relationship, not over volleyball, just as much, then we will be golden. We would have such a good time and i feel like we would have a lot of fun bickering, which i really enjoy. Play fighting as a form of foreplay, if you will lmao. We’d probs be friends in HS and then get together after he starts playing for MSBY and he is secured in his position (and himself tbh). I just love this cocky bastard. he also gives me switch vibes and as a switch, i love that for me.

Daichi - YES

All i need is to be wrapped in his arms on the daily and i would be happy. Man would know how to take care of me and that is all. Love of my life, too good for this world. Wholesome husband. He would be able to manage my crazy side and chill me out when i get to anxious. I would want to be bratty just to get him to drop his good guy routine sometimes and I feel like he would like that.

Issei - YES

Funeral home employee can get it. Matsukawa Horse cock Issei can whisk me off my feet and straight into bed. we would have a lot of fun picking on oikawa together (out of love of course) but we would balance each other out a lot. His darker humor would go well against my lighter humor. Also I feel like our level of hotness is pretty comparable... like we aren't the prettiest in the friend group but still good (if that makes sense)

Bokuto - YES

Big ball of sunshine to light up my day, he would literally fuck the sad out of me every day I just know it. Like atsumu, as long as I am a priority to him itll work out. We also kind of have the same sad moods so I feel like we could either both just curl up on the couch together and watch a movie or bring the other out of a funk easily. I love this giant himbo so much.

Hinata - most likely yes

Pretty much the same reasons as bokuto but I feel like I would get drained of his energy faster, so he would def have to cuddle me more. For everyone else so far I can imagine being high school sweethearts, but with hinata i think he wouldnt settle down until later, or even start dating so it would probably be a lot of pining and watching him from the side lines for a while, which would be really hard tbh. but the way he would smile at me after a match would make it worth it so...

 Kyoutani - Hard YES

I love a boy with anger issues, what can i say... (cough couch my irl husband with anger issues couch couch) I would love to be his weak spot and the one person he would go to to help him not feel angry anymore. I think that my fun personality would help him to unbox himself a bit. I just want to give him cuddles and a place to feel accepted. id also i KNOW hes a monster in bed... 

Bakugou - FUCKING HARD YES, PLEASE

if he was real the things i would do to and for him... A lot like kyoutani i would want to give him a place where hes accepted, and a place where he is unconditionally loved. I would be able to handle his misguided anger and calm him down and give him space. I headcanon that hes very cuddly in private to just his S/O which is something that i love. I love his lil smirk and would do anything to get him to smirk at me. As long as he is able to set me as a priority it would work out, but that would be what he struggles with so it would be a thing we would have to talk about. But I also feel that once you say something about it he would check in with you because of course he has to be the best bf/husband. I feel like I could talk for hours about him so Ill just wrap it up by saying that I love me a passionate man who would probs be a lil possessive, and I would use that to my advantage. 

Denki - GOD YES

I really do think that denki and I are soulmates. we are both the perfect blend of funny, pervy, while still being soft. I feel like there would be a lot of mutual pining at first but he would end up the golden retriever gamer boy to my alt bisexual and thats just the perfect pairing. We would pull so much shit and then get away with it because thats just us being us. I see us being scolded by bakugou a lot for the stupid shit we would pull. Also late night drives in his shitty tuned car to taco bell while we sing alt rock songs from the 2010s. also the switch vibes are immaculate.

 Hawks - Probably

So it would honestly depend a lot on what version of hawks.. him in the hero commission is a no, because he wouldnt be able to be honest with me about a lot of stuff. Like his name, or when i can see him again, and that would give me too much anxiety. When hes free of them and is actually allowed to be himself I think it could work then. I know that he of course wants to still be the best hero, so he would have the same problems as bakugou with finding a balance, but if he wants to i think he could. He would also have a lot of trauma from his relationship with his parents and the commission so I dont know if he would be able to give his love away as freely as he wants so we could get therapy together. I love that for us. But i would happily wake up next to this beautiful birb man if he would have me.  

Sukuna - A hesitant yes

so.. the anger issues that ive mentioned before.. yes. I would like sukuna. I would be his lil bride and sit on his lap on his throne as long as he didnt kill my loved ones or my cats lmao. I would also be ok with being his and itadoris gf while hes living in itadoris head. being with him is just asking for an unhappy ending tho, whether its a life always on the run, or someones trying to kill me, or someones trying to kill him, or hes trying to kill someone. But yes i would like to be with him but that would mean sacrificing a lot. 

Mei Mei - god yessssss..

Please Mei Mei step on me and make me ur lil house wife. I see us living in a pent house apartment with the most breathtaking view of the Tokyo skyline. I would want for nothing and she could take me where ever she wanted and i would just follow her around with heart eyes.

 Kagami - YES

my basketball husband! i love him and would love to be loved by him. Id follow him wherever. He would take care of me and is just so dreamy.. also i guess the mild anger issues.. but hes really not that bad. He would just be such a good s/o. He would cook us nice dinners, wed have a few cats, and he would carry me around a lot because hes so strong. While were on the topic of strong... his stamina... everyone on this list probably has good if not great stamina... but kagami just hits different..... have you seen him in the zone? have you seen his thighs? his sex zone has got to be incredible. 

 Levi - Yes

I was going to say it depends, but really it doesn't... if were in the aot universe and hes my captain and I fall in love with him u can bet ur ass im gonna try and get with him because i could die at anytime. if its some au where he is here in our universe and somehow we meet... like of course im gonna be in love with him. our height difference isnt too bad, im only like an inch or 2 taller than him. I think we would both have a great time together. I would make him laugh, and he would help me clean, because lord knows I hate cleaning. BUT i hate cleaning because its something that I always have to do alone, and I feel like levi would have us be cleaning together like he makes the scouts do. and hes just so sexy... 

Jean - big yes

This beautiful handsome man... idk what to even say about him. Hes strong, funny, handsome, cocky, but very much full of love. would love to run away from the world with him. I feel like if he was in love with me before *tries not to give away spoilers* the marco incident (?) that after he would become very clingy and attached and im ok with that. There would have to be lots of cuddles and reassurances and i just want to see him happy and not at war, with both real life people and himself... id give him the best kisses and he would become addicted to them. 

Mikoto - No? But maybe...

I feel like we could be.. but if you watched the show then you know.. But i would love to be Homra’s princess TBH. No one would mess with me or they would have to face the wrath of my big fire boyfriend and his whole ass gang. But on the other hand I feel like Mikoto wouldnt allow himself to fall in love, so it would probably be a hush hush topic. everyone knows the boss and I are in an entanglement, but they cant talk about it. Then Anna starts asking questions to Mikoto and he has to come clean to her, which would be so cute. He tells her is a secret but she doesn't care lmao. in conclusion, I would want to, but I dont think he would let me.... Maybe friends with benefits tho....

............................................................................................

ok if you read all this im officially in love with you. Please take my heart. 

This took me like 2 hours to do because I love thinking about it so much. if you have any thoughts about any of this hop into my dms or comment on this because id love to hear them (especially if you think i belong with one more than the others lmao). 

#i cant believe i spent 2 hours on this. #im just so in love with 2d characters #about me

[bright-hao]

soft bias tag

okay, its been ages since i did a tag on here!! but my hermanita @hocidi(or hijita now? since you call me mom?) tagged me to do this soft bias tag!

my ult is still minghao, but bc most of this is romantic stuff(and i dont really have a lot of romantic feelings for hao) i’m gonna do my other best boy, seungkwan 

Who is your bias: Boo Seungkwan of Seventeen

What made you notice them: I always loved seungkwan, its so funny cause at first i used to be like “oh i wish seungkwan was my twin” and as time went on it was like “yes, seungkwan and i would be best friends we’d be a killer duo” but like...by the time boom boom era came around and he dyed his hair blond the first time? fuck dude, i knew i was in love. very specifically there’s one photo (here) that always comes to mind when i think about first falling head first for him, and well. now he’s my guy.

what’s your favorite thing about them: boy, everything! physically, i love his cheekbones/jaw combo, people really dont pay enough attention to his bone structure. and personality wise, i love his ability to just talk and command all the attention in a room if he wants to,especially because it’s not in a scary, authoritative way, and i feel it makes people comfortable while they also respect him and hold him in high esteem bc of it. I personally have a close relationship with words, so to see the abilities he has with just his everyday speech is...spectacular

who would initiate skinship more: i think both of us, but in different ways? i feel like i would initiate a lot of smaller touches, just so we can be in constant contact, and also id probably spend a lot of time thinking about something before i do it, but i feel like seungkwan would be like hey! let’s hug, and we’d...hug. he’d probably initiate bigger things, like hugging and hand holding, and it’d be more spontaneous for him.

who would hog the blankets more:  i don’t really feel cold easily and tend to get warmer as the night goes on, so what might really happen is seungkwan will often wake up buried under all the blankets because i pushed them over to his side in the middle of the night

who would be more clingy:   earlier on, it would be him, bc i dont let myself get overly attached to people, but maybe if we spend years together and i get used to him/his constant presence in my life, things might change

who would say I love you first:  oooohhh this one’s tricky. if i feel like he’s still sorting through his feelings and commitments, i’ll wait for him to say it first, but if i feel sure about him and where his heart is at, i’ll say it as soon as possible. possibly way earlier than most people would. it’s not a big deal to me when the words drop(bc it’s really not about words anyway for me, its about proving it with your actions, and if he loves me i should know even without him saying it), but if it is for him then i guess i’d wait til he felt right about it. granted, i think the more open you are to begin with the faster seungkwan himself would open up, so maybe it’ll just be a toss up bc we’ll both already be on the same page.

who would be more easily flustered: i’m a confident gay, so like, it would definitely be me making him flustered as much as i can for fun.

What cuddling position would you two have: okay, so here’s what i’m thinking: he’s mostly on his back, however he’s comfy, and i’m curled up at his side with one leg thrown over him and he has one arm around/under me, and my head is either next to his on the pillow or on his shoulder (like this). we can reverse the positions too we’re flexible

which colors remind you of them and why:  sunset colours!! i often call him my sunset boy, so sunset colours, and very specifically all shades of orange, make me think of him. they’re just...warm and sweet but also fiesty and bold colours which is...him in print.

which season would you like to spend with them: uhhh all of them for the rest of my life? Idk, I feel stupid answering this since I live in a tropical country but...mm, maybe the time period where it's not quite spring yet but it's not really winter anymore...like, imagine going on a road trip and you get to see the landscape change from white and snowy to bare for a little while and then everything blooms. gorgeous. i wanna do that with him. or maybe the summer season in the arctic where it’s light out 24 hours a day. or just mango season here in trinidad

who would bake cookies and who would steal the batter: seungkwan would probably make the decision for us to bake cookies together bc it’ll be a fun bonding experience or whatever, but he doesnt really know what he’s doing, so i have to give him all the instructions and explain everything to him, and then i let him struggle with all the dirty work and look on and occasionally snatch bits of the dough to ‘make sure it’s coming out right’

which one of you would make bad puns and how would the other react: i dont really do puns, so it’ll have to be him. he probably spends all his alone time trying to come up with them. over text, he might get a eye roll emoji or a ‘why are you like this’, in person i’d probably just ignore it completely and continue the conversation like it never happened. (which might make him pouty, but pouty seungkwan is adorable, so either way i win)

which one of you would nearly burn down the kitchen trying to microwave a poptart and who come to the rescue: i’m brown and poor poptarts have never been a thing in my house, so i suppose it’ll be me who screws up. wake up in the middle of the night hungry so i sneak into the kitchen as quiet as possible, not even turning on any lights, put the thing in the microwave for way longer than its supposed to be. when it explodes seungkwan runs outside half asleep bc he wants to know who got shot. he cleans the mess bc he loves me and tells me to leave the pop tart prep to him in the future. 

who likes to lean over tall railings and who pulls them back: it would be me, adrenaline junkie and lover of risks and high places, leaning over the railing of a tall building like ‘omg, i could jump right now it would be like flying’ seungkwan would drag me away and probably sit me down and lecture me about it too

what would you watching a horror film with them be like: i would never watch a horror movie, lol. next question.

who would be the cheesy flirt and who would be the smooth flirt: i think we could both be cheesy when we wanted to, but maybe more him than me since he’s the king of cheese. flirting is one of my favourite pastimes, so i’d probably be a decently smooth flirt. as earlier mentioned, my greatest joy would be seeing him flustered and at a loss for words bc of just how smooth i am 

who is more competitive: oh we are BOTH very competitive, it’s super fun when we’re playing a game or a sport and we’re on the same side and trying to crush the opponents, but i think we try to get on opposite teams bc its ten times more fun to try and beat each other. like just the thought of being better at him at something is already exhilarating to me ;;;)))))))

who would have to be given constant reminders: for tasks that are hard/uninteresting, i’ll have to have him remind me cause i’ll find 500 things that are more interesting to distract me when i just need to suck it up and get the thing done, and i’ll need the nudge. when it comes to just forgetting, i’ll probably have to remind him bc it totally slipped his mind.

who sends memes and who sends cute I miss you text at 3 am: he definitely sends the memes, im way too lazy to save them on my phone and then have to go looking for one that’s appropriate, that’s a lot of work. i’m happy to receive them though. and uhh...i wouldn’t send anyone a text like that at 3am and i wouldn’t like to receive one either, and i would tell him that. emotions get weird and warped at that hour, and i dont trust them on a regular basis, much less at 3 o’clock in the morning. i say, hold it in for now and if you still feel the same at 10am? then you go ahead and tell me you miss me. BUT if i get a message at 10am from seungkwan saying he misses me/loves me/is thinking of me? i would be on a cloud for the entire day.

this was really fun! my heart is warrrrrrrrrmmmm and ive been in soft stan mode for the past two days cause of it. so now i’m gonna tag @woozifi @minigum @mvpgyu @pabospoiler @seonyein @szrw @witchzi @yookik have fun friends!

#seungkwan #svt #ginger and honey #tag games

[kietamitai]

An extremely long vent and personal thoughts post

I have to title it because it is what it is. And honestly, I’m going to explain everything that’s been going on with my personal feelings, mental/emotional state, and current situation. 

I have somewhat vented/talked about this on twitter but making a long post on my blog seems to be much better. This is likely to be my last resort of anything. Nothing bad will happen but this is to tell you that I am currently not in a good mood.

All I ask is that if you read the post, just like the post. And maybe give it a few days before asking if I am alright. DO NOT REPLY TO THIS OR SEND ME A MESSAGE I BEG OF YOU (I am not saying it to be avoidant like I will end up sounding angry if you do).

Don’t read it if you’re not in the right mood to read it. It has some questionable bits but yeah.

OK so on the first and forefront of current situation cause it’s probably the shortest.

Personally speaking, nothing is happening at home, however, I am left with a vague sense of I have to do something because everyone in the family sees me as lazy and undisciplined.

I am worried that if I started to move, that everything is going to go pretty bad. This fear is completely normal on any standard, but the problem is that this feeling is immensely different from what people may think.

Since I had recently learned about people with ADHD having Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), everything I have experienced up until this point finally makes sense.

It is that fear of unwanted “rejection” and “negative response/feedback.”

Needless to say, some things have happened in the past that drastically shaped who I am today and my rather laid back personality, but this fear of failure came as a result. It can sometimes make me immobile.

When I get paranoid over whether or not I fuck something up, I LITERALLY FREAK OUT SOMETIMES OK?

But aside from this foreboding feeling about needing to do something (which will come in due time because I have a feeling that I’ll take that step out there sooner or later), here’s the more social part of the situation.

After what feels like I offended a friend and some what apologizing and owning up to my own reactions, I sorta ended getting slapped in the face with them implying that they don’t care. Like, I have a feeling that it’s not what they actually meant, but it’s also quite obvious that if I tried to ask for clarification, I will get yelled at for being stupid and I HATE THAT THE MOST CAUSE I GET THAT A LOT.

And this is just on the personal side of things— I dunno what their intentions or implications are. They just don’t seem to want to say that it is possibly their fault that it happened, even when I pointed it out that it is. And well, they seem to have misinterpreted the whole point of my message as well, but I just gave up on even trying to clarify myself any further cause I just woke up from a nap at the time and I almost didn’t even want to respond to that with the way they word it.

I’d rather not go into detail about that since it is an insanely minor thing, but with the way they sorta avoid me in general, it just feels like they’re scared of me or something. I’m not one to push on to make someone uncomfortable for answers so if they read this and recognize it’s them, good job I guess? 

I’m probably not on their radar anyways cause they got their own shit to worry about, so really, I’d only be surprised if they ended up reading this pile of mess and then going up to my IM/ask and be like, “You fuck ass are u talking shit about me?”

On that, it is only complicated feelings coming from me. I’m not here to shit on someone for their circumstances, but in the meantime, I’m avoiding them cause like I feel like if I start talking again, I WILL FUCK UP REALLY BADLY or even worse, THEY WILL FLAT OUT JUST IGNORE ME.

My answer will most likely not be positive with them specifically if questioned in such a rude way.

And RSD likes to make things worse on the social side of things even if I simply just want to check up on them and ask if they’re doing alright. Similar situations has happened before, and when that happens, trust me, that’s when I know a friendship isn’t meant to be. I am not distant because I don’t know how to get close to people.

It’s happened too many times. Really, even if it hurts, I have to stop caring and let it go.

But on that regard, after talking to some more people, I end up getting this feeling of... isolation. I had read somewhere that ADHD may make it so that it ends up feeling like I can’t connect to people.

It sorta reels in the whole experience.

It isn’t like I want their kind of friendship, but in any friendship, I can tell that I don’t get a lot of attention. It’s like seeing a friend connect to another friend better than you can connect to either of them. I’ve always been left alone a lot so honestly, it’s nothing new.

I don’t like it when people are too too clingy to me but when they’re insanely distant, it makes me feel like my existence is just around for them to waste time.

In most cases, I just end up asking for people to say hi to me or something and get no response. Well, I know everyone has lives to run, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling insanely bitter or even bad to the point where I feel like I’ve been annoying and trying too hard and people are just FED UP with my antics and choosing to ignore me. 

After a while, you get used to the feeling and you stop caring.

But in summary, if I had done a small mistake that warranted a negative response (or in a way I perceive it as negative) then I will remember that for a long time and my fear is that you’ll bring it up again cause by that time, you’ve already seen me in a different light and you’ll probably subconsciously remember it and maybe bring it up subtly where I’ll be like “o fuck did I fuck up again” and PARANOIA ENSUES.

Another summary is that I’ve been feeling like I’m lacking a sense of self again.

This isn’t an uncommon dilemma. I’ve never given it much thought as long as I can make it believable to an extent. I stopped caring because I’ve been disciplined a lot for smaller things and been compared.

Not to mention a big part of it happened when the grandma I live with decided to berate me one day. That was the day I felt like a stranger to my own family.

I’ve been living with constant less praise and more reprimanding. When people praise me, I am happy, but I am always left feeling that I am deceiving them.

People call me one thing but I dunno which am I. I have come to find out that it is who I am. I am probably like a chameleon lol

But really, I have a terrible sense of self and sometimes when I really think about it, I have no idea what really makes up me. I’ve been collecting and amassing different personalities and stuff like that.

Perhaps that knowledge is how I come to understand people fairly easily.

The more I try to find out more about myself, the more I end up losing a sense of who I am. The less I try, the more I end up feeling like nothing.

My feelings of being worthless isn’t because of any emotional reason, it is a fairly logical reason. I am simply not someone that resources should go to.

In fact, sometimes I wish I can suffer, but apparently, I can’t have that either. It takes too much time for me to just make myself suffer, it’s just easier to do nothing. I don’t even have the energy to make myself hated enough to want to be forgotten. 

From drifting between being worthless and having my mistakes rebound on me, making it more than enough for me to want to stab myself, to feeling just slightly better about my day, it has been kinda tough.

Sometimes it’s not that I want to think about it and sometimes it just happens as a thought. But sometimes, something triggers my thoughts.

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts and well I’ve started to notice that it’s making me less likely to do stuff I wanted to do or just to do anything at all.

I am for once getting in to a unstable state of mind.

It could be that I am drained from watching my other grandma for the past month and a half, or that I feel like I’m being RUSHED to do something people expect me to do.

I don’t know if what I’m thinking about doing is the right choice.

I’m not sure if I’m important to people anymore. I feel like an expendable. Do people even care about me enough to understand how I feel? Do people know me enough to tell me, they know me? Do people really know who I am?

I’m beginning to wonder if I’m joking about dying or not. It sometimes feels like it’d be better if I can somehow die and be forgotten.

None of these feelings are new, perhaps maybe thinking that death is a fiscally better and logical option might be something a little more new.

I don’t know any more at times. My feelings tend to fluctuate daily and I have days where I’m a little better off then most lol

It’s probably also this bad because jet lag and some stuff making me really anxious??

I dunno but since I was getting distracted, I have no idea what I wanted to type by the time I got to this point. But I’ll end off with something—

I’ve always felt pretty meh about life. Perhaps MAYBE due to ADHD, it may influence my own ability to stay emotionally attached/devoted for too long. It’s almost like feeling you’re both half full and half empty when I’m not feeling anything really. But I guess it was better than the me before I turned 20.

Perhaps that’s just me. I haven’t been feeling like... myself.

It’s a little hard to explain, but what else can I do than to wait it out?

I never experience a feeling for long anyways lol

My days have been feeling kinda dreadful and tiring. Idk if I can keep up with people in general anymore.

This is probably what I get for being who I am.

#teru's incessant mumbling #negativity/////

[thecheekybrunette]

hello im here to talk :-))))

Hi, I know you’re going out abroad overseas (how exciting?? im so jealous oml), but I wanted to ask some questions about your fic BKYA. You can answer these whenever you like, so don’t feel stressed to answer them asap. I want you to enjoy your time abroad, so no rush!!

So I noticed that Tae takes the blame a lot for things that shouldn’t really be his fault (like when Jimin said something wrong in Spanish or when he made the carrots a little too overcooked). I was wondering if something happened to make him apologise for everything or if that’s just the way he is? He also seems to always try to lessen the amount of shit flying towards Jeongguk (and pretty much just everyone in general). I’m also kinda curious about Tae’s personality in general. He seems like such a complex character and I’m really intrigued. Like, I know he’s weird because no one likes to talk to him, but how else is he weird? Is he like the kind where he has full conversations with himself or where he’s wearing a face mask or making ridiculous faces and he just giggles to himself in the mirror for 10 minutes? I’m also curious about his past. He was neglected the medical help he needed, but was he also just neglected in general? From what I think (I may be wrong, you are the author after all), he might not remember what happens during seizures, but he remembers what it feels like, the anxiety, and the aftermath. Taehyung always has moments where he goes, “I’m more prone to seizures when ___.”. I think that he remembers all the seizures he had when he was little and how traumatic they were because he had no help. He remembers the feeling of nearly passing out or dying because he couldn’t breathe and all the injuries he got. People don’t really remember many things from when they were that young, but they do remember a few, like the most important or scarring things. I think Taehyung’s earliest memories are his seizures, and that’s why he’s so scared and concerned about his next seizure all the time.

I also have questions about the others too! Sorry, I’m just really curious. So we know that Hoseok is gay, but what about the others? Yoongi doesn’t seem like the type to like anyone in general, Taehyung just doesn’t have friends, and Jeongguk is really busy with all of his teen angst (lol). I mean, maybe Jimin? He hangs out with the cheer girls and lets them paint his nails and talk about gilmore girls, but that doesn’t mean he’s gay. I’m making assumptions, but I think Jimin is gay. Maybe this is something you’ll reveal later in the story, maybe not.

I’m just really curious about everyone’s personalities. If you’re feeling up to it, maybe could you explain the boy’s personalities in a way that you couldn’t do in the story? I’m all for deep understanding and all that jazz. You don’t have to, I’m just asking :-)

I’m also super in love with the scene where Jeongguk has to go to the counsellor because it reminds me of me. I had to go because I literally had like 2 emotions and i was just super lonely, except I sat in the car and cried for 15 minutes instead of yelling. Jeongguk is also super complex. He’s a teenager, but he’s matured differently than other teens. I mean, he bounced between a crack addicted mother and a foster family for years and years. He was only adopted when his mother OD’d. I think he’s just sad and he’s lonely. He has every right to be. Jeongguk and Tae kinda remind me of myself (again). When I was young, my older brother (a very important figure in my life) left to move very far away. Since third grade, I closed myself off. I never made any more friends, I stopped being so attached to my parents, I stopped feeling and started to be nasty and rude to everyone. Tae reminds me of myself because I know that I’m afraid to get close to people because I don’t want them to leave like my brother did. I’m so so afraid to date and I’m antisocial to a point where I don’t even like to hang out with my own family downstairs. I’ve got some nasty social anxiety because I separated myself from people for so long. Where I was supposed to learn how to make friends and learn social skills, I learned the best ways to hide. I’m only now, at the age of 17 and a senior in highschool, learning the basic social skills I should have learned in elementary school. Your story for real makes me so sad because I look at the characters and I think to myself, “they’re just like me” and I want to tell them “hey thats the wrong way” so bad, but I can’t! I guess this is what being a parent is like.

Sorry I talk so much! I really hope you have fun abroad! Take pictures!! Stay safe, and please don’t stress over your fics and your followers too much! If they’re unhappy because you don’t have internet connection in the middle of the ocean, then they aren’t really worth it. I hope you enjoy talking about this as much as I do ^ ^; Again, stay safe, have fun, and don’t stress!!

Thanks, Soonja

Hello, hello! So many questions! I may have to be a little concise with answers because it is midnight and I still have to journal about day one in Japan, but I will do my best! 

Taehyung takes the blame and tries to keep the peace because he doesn’t have many people outside his family to talk to, so when they’re arguing that, like... limits his social pool. And he doesn’t want conflict between his immediate group of friends (because family can be friends), and so he tries to make everyone getting along because he doesn’t have anyone else to talk to, so he takes on the role as peace keeper to make sure everyone is hanging out together and that he can spend time with them. 

And Taehyung doesn’t really remember his seizures so much? He’s not totally conscious. But a side effect of seizures for some people is to have anxiety attacks afterwards. So really, Taehyung isn’t so much scared of the seizures, but rather the anxiety attack that he’ll have afterwards that he can’t help but associate with the seizures. And he came to Namjin just as he was turning three, so he really probably doesn’t remember much about his childhood except for super vague memories that are disappearing the older he gets. So he might have like... static images of super inane things (like eating an ice cream cone in a stroller or getting stung by a bee are my only memories of that age, so he might have something like that), but he’s really just terrified of this anxiety attack he gets as a side effect. And he can’t separate them because they’re always together, so he’s scared of seizures at large because they mean panicking later. 

But yes, it was likely that he was neglected at large. I think his parents washed his clothes and fed him, but otherwise left him alone. So, like... a lot of time with no supervision or help. I think they would leave him in his crib for long periods of time as a baby and probably didn’t respond to his crying. That could explain some of his clinginess. He was very young, but that’s a very formative time where he wasn’t able to make necessary attachments. 

As for being weird, he just kind of is spacey at times, and he’s really in his own world? Like if he’s reading a book, right, when he puts it down, he’s still thinking about it. And he’s thinking about the people around him in it. And also he might be weird in making very bizarre associations. So like Jimin is Hawaii is one he made this last chapter. And also he’s weird because he doesn’t often hang out with kids his age other than Jimin who would never be like “Tae, you’re a loser, don’t say that” so he doesn’t understand slang, or teen humor, or things like that. 

And some real quick things about each boy (minus Taehyung, I talked about him for three years)

Yoongi: Terrified of change. He had too much change, bouncing from house to house and all, so this period of transitioning from boyhood to adulthood terrifies him. Hence, his fear of college (plus, his trouble with OCD), and it has to do with some trouble with Joy we will see later on. He isn’t self-aware enough to recognize it, though. He’s actually similar to Jungkook in that he is lashing out because he is scared, and I think that’s part of why he is so frustrated with Jungkook (other than the fact that he’s very grateful for Namjin, and Jungkook isn’t). 

Hoseok: He’s terrified of abandonment, but he doesn’t know how to admit that to anyone, hence why he’s staying in this ridiculous relationship. That comes out a lot this chapter, though. However, he’s pretty straight forward in his thoughts. I think internally he knows just what he’s feeling, and why he’s feeling that way, but he is hesitant to express it for stupid high school boy reasons. 

Jungkook: He isn’t self-aware at all, it’s a fucking disaster. He’s also having trouble with the transition from boyhood to adulthood and lashing out hard. But his deal with saying he hates his parents is, like... I think the thought of being taken away so easily before his adoption makes him feel like he can’t let himself be swept up into his family. Because if he hates them it’s easier to leave. Or at least, that was the initial thought, and now he’s so far distanced from everyone, he feels out of place. It’s sort of a complex issue, but it’s being sorted. He’s starting to realize. 

Jimin: Jimin is actually really driven by how other people think of him. He really wants approval, which probably has something to do with never having approval from his biological parents, even if he doesn’t remember it. So he wants to be good at school on his own because he’s humiliated, and he doesn’t want anyone to think poorly of him. Like he’s controlled by embarrassment, I guess you could say. 

I am sorry to hear about your story! I am glad you can relate to my characters, though. And it’s great that you can recognize what they are doing wrong, that means you really must be learning and improving! I hope you can feel comfortable talking to people soon.

#bkya #personal #i am so exhausted how #submission