#man i don't even remember the rest

[befuddled-calico-whump]

I did a lot of fantasy-setting group roleplays back in high school, and somehow, every time, I would end up creating an angsty hot guy who would slowly become the only character I played.

I mostly did this out of a noticed deficit of angsty hot guys within the character pools. I'd create someone so tragic, so morally grey, and just let him walk around and be sad and angry and brooding.

Usually he'd start off as a villain, possibly being controlled either physically or through blackmail by a bigger, eviler villain (who I'd also RP as).

Nine times out of ten, he'd be tortured at some point, by well-meaning heroes trying to stop the villains' rise, or by his former boss after he finally tried to switch sides. (This of course, led to whatever love interest he'd picked up from among the other players to have an emotional rescue moment.)

And yeah, looking at where I am now, the past and present explain each other.

#shoutout to greg. my first example of this. yes i named him Greg. i was 15 ok #mans got tortured SO MUCH. in hindsight one if the other girls in the group is probably also a whumper now #i also had a dragon shapeshifter whose soul was bound to a cursed amulet that the villain always wore and used to torture him with #and a rogueish guy in a wonderland style rp who'd been stranded alone for years and got beaten badly by the villain (who i also played) #man i don't even remember the rest #calico is befuddled #whump meta

[ghastlyaffairs]

for something as trivial and simple those feelings sure are hard to get rid of

also made a gif a version for fun + alt version with no tears under the cut

the gif is in very low resolution...this is a feature (i could make it bigger but that would require saving each frame individually and than glueing it all together. also i feel like low resolution suits it better. aesthetically and fits the mood)

#hs #homestuck #dirk strider #eye strain #probably? if you think i should tag something else let me know!! #anyway hooray its time for rambling in the tags #so uhhh heres the teæ i've been sick for like a week and you know how it is when suddenly your throat becomes the main gunk warehouse #and you can't breathe lol. wish i could just pull it out. anywaaayy this is basically a vent piece for me being sick lol #also i could draw remotively the same thing with kris deltarune. oh how easy it is to project having a cold #though i have been also experiencing troubles with feelings recently as well....how fitting for dirk #speaking of the man himself (enough of me) his relationship with his own Heart...is peculiar to say the least #the thing i love about alphakids is that despite being so feral they were. so relatable. i cannot stress this enough how unwell they are an #and how they represented being a teen so well. yeah being 15 years old makes that to you #imagine being an emotional mess and trying to fit the 'norm' and act normal about your friends so youre not offputting #and then you fall in love with you friend and your ai clone falls in love with him too looool noone makes out of this one alive #uhh literally. godtiering stuff and dying remember #and speaking of it. tw for suicidal talk for the rest of tags #do you ever think dirk was suicidal. of course the part of when he teleports his head to jake was totally planned and he knew he would -> #wake up as dreamself but. don't you think the moment he cut his head off was sort of. cathartic. how much did he hate his own guts #beheading himself not only for the plan...but also because he thought he 'deserved' it #also wow he is a Prince and was literally beheaded don't you think its funny hahaa #sigh poor thing #this has ended on a not the very pleasant note hm #also fckkkkkk i didn't draw anything with rose/mary for the lesbian visabilty week #(putting the slash because tumblr search system has a dumb gag with showing you posts that contain the tag inside the other tag. #and i don't want this post to show up for the ros/mary fans because it's not!!!! its rose's father emotional crisis post!!!!) #update YOOOO WHAT THE HELL THE GIF HAS EVEN LESS PIXELS THEN I PLANNED fantastic #this your breakfast now tumblr. enjoy your crunchy flakes of dirks meltdown. mwah

[ghostforwhat]

when you’re off of work would you please elaborate on your hannibal service top agenda,,, please my family is starving

i don’t want anyone to starve so obviously I will extrapolate on the service top aspect of Hannibal Lecter o7!! I am going to get so carried away and I apologize in advance.

Alright going to start this off by saying I do think they’re vers but only in regards to each other, I think for canon relationships, Will has a tendency to allow himself to be directed while Hannibal loves to orchestrate. With each other, though, it grows increasingly and alluringly complicated. Arguments could be made and subsequently thrown out depending on what part of the show you’re watching and post fall is an entire free-for-all because you can’t tell me two grown men survive murder-suicide via cliff and then settle into the puritanical rigidity of who tops and who bottoms.

Okay that being said, honestly i could make the case that both of them lean more toward making sure whoever they’re with is getting the most out of the encounter (maybe for different reasons; the popular trope of Will’s empathy causing a sort of blissful feedback loop and in Hannibal’s case, it stands to reason the politeness overlaps with a challenging sort of hedonism, he’s in control and playful about it) but I think that specifically for Hannibal, Will’s reactions are what he’s constantly seeking and then hoarding. Like. Will responding to stimuli that Hannibal presents is basically the premise of the show and Hannibal very clearly gets off on that, maybe not anywhere explicitly but we see shots of his pupils dilating, his gaze always caught on Will, licking his lips, all in response to Will reacting to him. It’s very rare he’s outright hungry at the beginning of a conversation or interaction, he seems to maintain a sense of aloofness until Will snarks or baits or replies or even defers and then, it’s as though he’s desperate to see more. I'm not getting into the whole them eating meals together because I'll devolve very quickly but like. just keep in mind the way Hannibal watches Will eat, as though he savors Will instead of the meal he cooked. Right. Okay. He gets caught up in Will’s responses very quickly, enraptured and almost stupid about it and trying to immediately trigger more which!! Goes hand and hand with him doing very uh lets say unique acts of service (the malewife jokes are only half jokes); the breakfasts & dinners, the driving, the caretaking. Yes all that’s manipulative but to Hannibal, that doesn’t negate that it’s still getting him the responses he wants and that’s also maybe why he’s so quick to say they’re friends because he’s viewing it as a form of relationship building and quite frankly, that is the only way that man knows how to build relationships; he sets himself up as a crutch and then breaks your leg and unfortunately at that point, for Will, for Jack, for Abigail, for Bedelia, for Chiyoh, you are too grateful to be standing that you forget he’s the reason you can’t do it on your own. The others I mentioned learn either very quickly or very (in painful irony) rudely that he is only a crutch as long as he enjoys it, as long as he can benefit from holding you aloft.

However. In Will’s case, he tries to remove himself and finds that it’s him who can’t stand and he’s immediately resentful and desperate to take back that ability, leaving another gift, another act of service, for Will to prove that he can still provide it and detrimentally putting himself on the map for Jack and Mason in the process. He’s so eager to have Will’s response, he waits at his own fucking crime scene. Will gives him what he wants and he’s too overwhelmed to respond with any sort of power or immediate selfishness, he runs again. And then. Muskrat Farms and his surrender. I feel like I don’t even need to explain why that backs up my case here, that man is so so ready to rescue and then surrender all because Will’s involved; two things he’s never done in his entire life, they essentially reduce him to this almost pathetic thing and it doesn’t give him pause at all because again, they’re acts of service whether Will wants them at that point or not. Like Bedelia said it best, he’s obsessed, he wants every reaction, every word, every sigh and curse, he’s very single-minded about getting them and he doesn’t care who he has to hurt, himself or others, to get them. Now, combine all that and the cliff scene and tell me that man doesn’t spend every second they’re in a bed together completely and utterly focused on Will and Will alone.

#NORTH UR PFP THREW ME OFF I WAS LIKE HELLO RANDOM BLOG I WILL ELABORATE YES #but also hiiiii what are you doing for the rest of your life and can it be me #haha jk....unless? #i'm literally holding so much back lmao like i didn't even touch on Will's response and manipulation of that behavior #tdlr when i write top hannibal its always going to be him makin will come like 3 times before he even remembers to get off n i stand by tha #so so sorry for this but also i am not at all and am completely correct #top hannibal can be good #theres just an overabundance of sadist/power topping which doesn't always mesh well i feel like idk #that man is hungry in every possible way for Will and when youre starved you don't stop to see if youre full you eat until you can't #but then again what do i know i am a dom Will advocate at heart #be he gentle or not #teacupmotif #asks !

[grogumaximus]

#they are humans after all #but max making mistakes from pressure? the same 23 y.o max fighting for his first title against literally the statistical goat? that max? #But honestly when did max make a mistake due to him being under pressure? #Maybe at jeddah 2021 quali n his lockup in singapore 2022 but what else? His last 4 races in 2021? They weren't mistakes #they were clearly deliberate verstaliban tactics he couldn't fight lewis with merc being much faster he would've risked a penalty/dsq #n not regretting losing the championship at the end it was just verstaliban verstalibaning fr n we saw it this year n we saw it last year #even against mick in Silverstone n this is what max said about it #“it was a good battle. I was like 'well he had to know to back off otherwise we are both out' Luckily he is smart enough to.” #lol he got cooked for this but it was verstaliban not pressure n that's my point #“carlos in singapore” old man bffr redbull fucked up their setup n everyone knows that they were the 4th fastest car that weekend #n no don't bring up his hungary n his spain mistakes in 2022 as pressure mistakes they were just mistakes due to gust of wind n wet weather #n guess what he won both of these races #This year he almost lost it at the front when he was like 15s+ from the rest n giggled about it was that from pressure? #no if it happened then it would've been just a mistake #I honestly don't remember anyone excuses max's mistakes are due to him pushing over the limit or he's driving an understeery car that #puts him under pressure as well if he made a mistake then he was a bozo n simply a mistake #(except for jeddah which was a rare mistake from being under pressure n we called it a bottle) #I dont wanna go there but he set up his team when his team n drivers make mistakes without even a title pressure #oof i had to let it out #max verstappen

[seithr]

Randomly remembered the half-reason i call my oc-verse by the name it has while laying in bed. One-half of the reason i still knew, but I had forgotten what had truly, really cemented it jointly until now

(it was a song from my favourite band I haven't listened to in a while.)

(the song fit so well at the time, still does, that i needed to hold onto it for the main protagonists forever, by partially naming their story in reference.)

Does this explanation make any sense? Does anyone know why I'm tearing up remembering this. Aahh

#(I'm emotional because I've been feeling bad about it all lately. enjoying things I make I mean—art or ocs or frivilous things.) #(So remembering that song and when it came out. That I couldn't see them in person. But i held onto it my own way. As something I loved) #(Something I still do love a lot... Parts of me saying no—you don't hate it. No. I'll help you remember more. I'm a little misty about it.) #The song is just The Killers - Run For Cover. I couldn't see them in person all those years ago—family went without me. #All my new oc rework with Zin and Hunter and Caia were like a year old or so. #It's a little silly. But the character Zin's derived from was a lightning mage so I stuck to it—I like monhun's zinogre for what its worth #So there's recurring theme and imagery. Thunder's not lightning but the sound and the feeling after the flash the flame and strike. #There's that meaningful thought—the story is the aftermath of a big tragedy. It matches what I like in monsters and other chars. #And at that time—my favourite band I missed out on puts out a really good song I download everywhere and it goes like: #He motioned me to the sky/ I heard heaven and thunder cry/ Run for cover/ Run while you can baby don't look back/ You gotta run for cover #And it goes on of course. The rest of the song's still really good. There's more that fits but point is; More evocative imagery. #So there. Why my bundle of OCs—Zinadia Hunter and Caia's story—is called Thunder 20XX. minus the 20XX. That's tongue-in-cheek #About some day I'll manage to make something tangeable or broadly shareable with them. I guarentee this century! #Thunder... oh my darling Thunder. Eight years man. More than that if I really want to count pre-rework INTO the complete original work. but #I like that it's definably 8. I like that I remembered I've always loved them a lot. Always been my thing to lean on even by name... #I need to get to sleep. Ive gotten a little more emotional over one song than I'd rather regularly be. Give it a listen maybe? Goodnight #Armour clanking #I need an oc tag #What have you gathered to report to your progenitors?🎶Are your excuses any better than your senator's🎶He held a conference #and his wife was standing by his side🎶He did her dirty but no-one died🎶 #I saw Sonny Liston on the street last-night black-fisted and strong singing🎶Redemption song🎶 #He motioned me to the sky🎶I heard heaven and thunder cry🎶RUN FOR COVER #What are you waiting for—a kiss or an apology?🎶You think by now you'd have an A in toxicology🎶 #It's hard to pack the car when all you do is shame us🎶Even harder when the dirtbag's famous🎶 #I saw my mother on the street last night all pretty and strong singin🎶The road is long🎶 #I said 'Mama I know you tried!'🎶But she fell on her knees and cried🎶RUN FOR COVER #Just run for cover - you've got nothin left to lose...

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Had a dream about a magic school AU. Like... Literally my school but with magic and with Roxy as a protag because Blorbo. She was the only one in the school without magic so every magic lesson, she'd literally just take a nap on the desk. What else is she gonna do?

But also I dreamed how she was compensating for not having magic. She was mixing chemicals into explosives to win fights and like... Yeah it's kinda hard to argue against the dog with Potion of Kaboom™️

However, because it was a dream, my brain combined the Glams with the cast of Ni No Kuni 2 and got very confused when I woke up because the Kuni 2 cast actually fit a magic environment but FNaF guys do not lmao

There was also a bit where Roxy not having magic means naturally, she doesn't rely on it to solve problems. So while everyone was given the task of making a candle go out without blowing on it, she just. Stared in absolute bafflement as everyone around her immediately dove to figuring out spells that extinguish flames. Instead of just. Water. From the tap. Right next to them.

She decided to freak them out a bit for fun and when the teacher asks for volunteers to come forward to show what they've come up with, she immediately puts her paw up and gets called on. She wets her paw under the tap before anyone has their attention on her, walks up to the candle at the front desk, turns so everyone can see, says all professional "Today, I've learned..." pauses and then... just pinches the flame out. Literally just pinches the wick between the paw pads on her fingers and it goes out immediately. "That you guys are idiots." And walks back to her seat in silence with a smirk.

Naturally, a bunch of kids are yelling that she can't just do that what the fuck?! But she did just do that. It took her half a second to do what's taken all of them a good forty minutes to figure out at least. Teacher asks how she knew that would work and she just "you can't have a flame without oxygen. Obviously." and you get a chorus of "WHAT" and "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!" She's so damn smug about it lmao these people make showing off too easy sometimes.

Like sure, she physically can't pass a mandatory magic exam unless she's able to figure out ways around it, but she can at least fuck around in lessons lmao. She tried skipping them but they started getting on her family with all the typical mandatory attendance shit so she has to go now :/ she just sleeps in them or fucks with people for fun since everyone likes to flaunt their magic on her every day anyway. Eat shit assholes she knows how to put fire out with minimal effort!

I think there was also a bit about her trying to convince teachers that a non-magic sports club would be a good idea?? And failing miserably because they just don't see the value in a magic school with non-magic sports. Thinking now, she could probably make her own club after school but probably wouldn't get that much traction with it... Resenting her family and teachers and every power that be forever because she could be a top student and could be doing amazing in school if she was just in a non-magic focused one. But she's stuck here and it sucks.

I don't know where I'd go with the story but eh it's neat I like it! Definitely different to my normal stuff!

#fnaf security breach #i feel i can't do anything with this without getting accused of inspiration from the worst piece of media ever... #because this site is mostly american and the school from that is literally just the uk's school system... but magic... #all i can see in my head is my buddy restless thinking that fucker made up christmas crackers man #so I'd be very wary touching this one cause i do NOT want to be associated with that bullshit #i never even liked it that much i jusf thought 'hey magic thats neat' and that was it before i Found Out the rest #so like #yeah uhh #new au I'm not sure i CAN do anything with?? #without some bright spark making a connection where there isn't one??? #uhh... hooray??? #I'd love to make it a thing i think it'd be neat even if it would serve OCs better probably #so I'd love to talk about it #but you can see why I'm hesitant to post anymore about it without prompting right? #you guys can see why...? #for most people that aren't from here that series is the first interaction with the british school system they've seen #so a lot of people seem to think it was designed and made by that fucker when it legit wasn't #we have school houses here that's fairly normal... and christmas crackers... #and whatever else cause i don't remember a damn thing I've never seen any of those films the whole way through lmao #but anyway on that note... if you were wondering from that tag... #i was in the blue house in primary school. we were the falcons :) #we won the house points a lot it was great!! #anyway yeah I'm up to talking about this one and developing it more! I just... maybe won't unless someone specifically asks about it #ya know? #ask away if you want to!!! would be happy to fuck around with it!!! #otherwise I'll just. keep it to discord rambles... which is less fun honestly #but hey it works

[lady-harrowhark]

I love all the videos I took during this show but this is one of favorites because if you listen closely, you can hear the exact moment that I realize which song she's introducing and immediately start crying. Mine has been one of my all time favorite songs since it came out almost 13 years ago and I truly do not even have words for how much being there for this surprise performance meant to me.

Video transcript:

Taylor on the big screen, sitting at her piano: This isn't my life, but what if it were? Like we're watching a movie and trying to write what those characters might be feeling. I say this because I wanna play a song that, um, when I wrote it I was writing about all these relationship things that hadn't happened to me yet, like, like there's -

Me: no...

Taylor: a drawer, um -

Me, tearfully: no...

Taylor: of my things at your place and things like that -

Crowd: [goes nuts]

Taylor: and like working through fights and not just breaking up, um, sorry there's a hair in my mouth that is aggressive. Anyway, so those are things that I was not partaking in at 18 and 19 when I wrote these songs but they're things that I really... it's been such a privilege and such a treat to go back and rerecord them 'cause relating to them now, um, it's, it's really crazy to go back

Me, overlapping with Taylor, in a shaky voice: [only partially intelligible but I think it's something like "The only other one it could be is Speak Now but she already played that one like last week"]

Taylor: and listen to these songs that at the time were fantasy but now feel really relatable to me, and so this is, um, this is called Mine.

Crowd: [goes nuts again]

#cracking up at how fast i jump on 'drawer' before the rest of the crowd figures it out lmao #once she said 'things that hadn't happened to me yet' it only took me a split second to mentally run through the Speak Now tracklist #i was trying SO hard not to get my hopes up just in case #i *think* my friend asked me which one it was and that's what i was responding to about Speak Now #but tbh i had completely short circuited by that point so i don't even remember saying anything to her then #still cannot believe i didn't ruin the entire video by sobbing over the audio tbh #'you made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter' gets me every. single. time. #taylor swift #eras tour #nashville n3 #mine

[reginrokkr]

𝐂𝐋𝐈𝐈𝐈. I don't have tendencies to look into the fictional books of Genshin (but I probably should) save for a few of them that caught my eye. So looking into my X feed I found a book cover that was re-drawn on the likeliness of Dain and Lumine instead of the mains characters of said book, which made me want to look into said book and see why. And oh, boy. Did I find some interesting things.

People call war hell, but most are just describing it as such. But what appeared before their eyes could only truly be called "hell." The desolate earth, the withered trees, and people like the shambling dead. It was like the life had been wrung from this place. The thing that had sustained the bloodshed for so long was something known as Nakura's Hex. Nakura's Hex was a terrifying sorcery that sucked the life of all living things and the land itself dry, giving it unto powerful samurai and feeding the war effort. And those who used such depraved magics to dominate the land were scoundrels known as the Nakura Daimyo. The Daimyo vied for dominance, but no matter who won, the earth would be further robbed of life. This was the true face of the war that had raged for nearly a century now. "And the ones who created the Hex are the Onmyouji who dwell in the Sky Tower at the center of the world."                                                         —Princess Mina of the Fallen Nation: Vol. 3.

In moments like this I remember Nahida's words saying that among the ways to conceal knowledge without being spotted, one of them is through allegories which books can count as and this here is no exception. Starting from Nakura's Hex as Forbidden Knowledge / Abyss, it falls right on point with the concept that Forbidden Knowledge precipitates everything to death as mentioned in the Aranara quest line and a good candidate as to who could the Nakura Daimyo be in view that used these magics that stem from the Hex to dominate the land (not exactly 1:1 with what's happening, but it kind of is if put from a different perspective) could be the Abyss Order.

If we think of the Onmyouji as the Second Who Came that brought by delusions and Forbidden Knowledge to this world (which potentially would bleed into Phanes too and other remaining Shades perhaps, as Phanes was spent from the second war against the dragon sovereigns + the mess involving the Forbidden Knowledge) and the Sky Tower as Celestia (location), even something like this falls right in place with the concept of demonic skies and the fishiness behind Celestia's doings alongside demonic names for gods and, more in a personal headcanon territory of mine, that the celestial power and the Abyss stem from the same origin despite the differing paths each take (as commented by René that his and Jakob's composition is similar to that of Khvarena).

#◟༺✦༻◞ events to be remembered in blue veins ┊addendum.┊ #I found more interesting things #but those would bleed even more in hypothesizing territory #which I don't want to indulge much #due to the lack of information #but man #it's crazy how this was released in 2.1 #at least the first book #I'm not sure if the 6 volumes #but it was much earlier than Sumeru for sure #and they were already going ham with this #there is also the concept in this novel #that the Nakura Hex was created to preserve the world's vitality #by leeching onto it how fun is that #and perhaps to create a new world with it I'm not sure #but if this happens to hold any relevance in the future #it might actually be plausible to think that in this next world #only allogenes would be part of it #while the rest are meant to stay in the old world to wither with it #this is pretty messed up #but definitely a possibility

[musical-chick-13]

I wish I liked the books. I really, really wish I liked the books.

#like I don't. dislike them. #I just. the way the prose is written is tedious on a level I have rarely experienced #they were a SLOG getting through to the point where I'm not even sure how much I remember about the differences between the books and the #show. like I do remember that some of the characters I was less interested in during the show felt more complete in the books. and some of #the politics were tighter. but like. straight-up I cannot read these last 2 if they ever come out. I can't do it. #I love the characters but the actual writing style makes my brain cry #and it's just so frustrating to hear 'but the books are so much BETTER' because like yeah I guess on some level they are but I CAN'T FUCKIN #READ THEM. AND ALSO THE SAME THINGS THAT PEOPLE HATED IN THE SHOW ARE PROBABLY MORE OR LESS ALSO GOING TO HAPPEN IN THE BOOKS #idk man. it's one thing to be told that something you love sucks. it's another thing to be told that the act of loving it makes you stupid #and like. idk anti-intellectual or something. there are plenty of books I like and make an effort to read. I just didn't like these. #I wish I saw what the rest of you did I really really do but I just don't #In the Vents #genuinely I am so sorry to like half of the people who follow me I know this will be a profound disappointment #I just HAD to get this out of my system #this blog is first and foremost A Place Where I Scream About Things #unfortunately. for everyone. including and especially me lmao.

[coreius]

Tag drop 1.

#[ ooc. ] you can call me anytime. i'll put you on hold. i like to watch the line blink. #[ ic. ] you experience things. then they're over and you still can't explain 'em? gods. aliens. dimensions. i'm just a man in a can. #[ answered: ooc. ] you have reached the life model decoy of tony stark. leave a message. / it's urgent. / so leave it urgently. #[ answered: ic. ] sir. agent coulson of s.h.i.e.l.d. is on the line. / i'm not in. i'm actually out. #[ psa. ] obviously you can quote me on that. 'cause i just said it. #[ saved. ] what am i even tripping for? everything's gonna work out exactly the way it's supposed to. i love you 3000. #[ memes / prompts. ] if there's one thing I've proven it's that you can count on me to pleasure myself. #[ crack. ] i don't want to harp on this but did you like the custom rabbit? / ... did i like it? / nailed it. right? #[ et cetera. ] actually he's the boss. i just pay for everything and design everything. and make everyone look cooler. #[ self promotion. ] you know; it's moments like these when i realize what a superhero i am. #[ other promotions. ] i told you: i don’t want to join your super-secret boy band. #[ visage. ] 'mr. stark displays compulsive behavior.' in my defense. that was last week. #[ robert downey jr. ] i take some pride in representing myself exactly how i would like to have my son remember me to his kids. #[ meta. ] i should put it in a lockbox and drop it to the bottom of the lake and go to bed. / but would you be able to rest? #[ mini study. ] you start with something pure. exciting. then come the mistakes. the compromises. we create our own demons. #[ essence. ] it's not about me. it's not about you either. it's about legacy. the legacy left behind for future generations.

[svtskneecaps]

BEGGING for your soulmate!dino fic 😭🙏 the other soulmate svt fics were AMAZING and im patiently waiting for my bias 😌 do you plan on releasing it soon?

much love~~ ❤️

love of my life i wish i were but this series has been so flaky in terms of inspiration i have no genuine idea when it's gonna happen, could be later this month or could be in a year i wish i knew my love. if i remember rightly my plan was to end the series with dino, since his thing was about making history and genuinely this soulmate series was the first damn thing i posted on this blog and i swear to you someday it'll be finished but i'm so sorry love i have no idea when that will be alfkskskdjsj

#shut up vic #plus like even when i was writing i think the woozi one? think he was most recent #it just felt so Different from the rest of the series #maybe it was dk too i don't remember exactly #but yknow this series has been going since i was in high achool and that was a damn long time ago #so there were issues w that when i was writing the more recent ones #like the style felt so different that before and it annoyed me a little #bc i still want it to feel like the same series but MAN i am worlds different than i was when i posted seungkwan's #which is in equal parts fun and terrifying but yea idk when i'll ever get to it #:((( sorry my love <3 #honestly u probably don't have to strikethrough patiently if u've waited this long to send an ask that's incredibly patient of you #like shit man it's been actual real years i'll call that patient dw

[noxtivagus]

head in hands FINAL FANTASY

#🌙.rambles #i just. really want to listen to dedicated to moonlight already it's driving me insane #n i really want to replay ffix 🥺 i still rmb playing a lot through yk terra n pandaemonium n stuff n that ancient tree #during those brownouts hehe. i still rmb very well #i remember going upstairs n crying to myself in a corner bcs of the ending #w vivi !!!! :c n then i got infuriated too bcs i didn't realize i accidentally turned off bgm midway my game or smth #i have no idea how i didn't notice #but i was waiting for melodies of life n it didn't play 😭😭 so yeah that's how i realized. but i went back a bit tho #so i cld listen from around. hmmm i can't rlly remember but at least w behind the door & melodies of life yes #n then before ffix was ff7r i rmb apollo n i watching some ff7r stuff n cc on yt then #our dad saw n the day after he bought it :^) i love my family sm sobs #n then we used to take turns bcs only 1 ps4 then n we'd also sched like. 2 hours play n then 30 minutes rest or smth #i rmb when zack first appeared i was crying too man T_T i love video games n stories sm bcs #back then i rlly bottled my emotions even more n yk ^^ were an outlet :^) i love them so very much #OH YEAH finally finished ffxv too then 🤍 kh3 too around that time bcs. yk 2020 lockdown. a lot of switch games too #i still rmb my notes while playing those games T_T #& i rmb looking too around like. early october or even earlier i think. i was searching up a bunch of ff charas #hang on. i said i'll be productive but i really really don't want to work on this script #tmrrw i can rest though. don't rlly have much to do aside from. ah reviews on saturday i have to catch up #bcs i got sick last saturday n cldn't pay attention :c but other than that. the stuff due next week mon/tues r easy #n wed to fri no classes <3 just. have to get this bs done. i hate my group.

[queer-ecopunk]

So, I'm trans. And several years ago, I was at my great grandfather's funeral. 17, newly on T, barely out to anyone other than my close friends and family. And I'm standing there at the refreshment's table, surrounded by strangers and members of my family's church, when George walks up to me.

This man is ancient, bent like a finger and frail. Tufts of white hair surround his wrinkled face. Like always, he's wearing thick glasses, massive hearing aids, and his veteran's hat. George was my first introduction to the concept of war, when he told me as a child why he was missing two fingers on his hand. He's been a fixture at church since I can remember. I've only ever seen him at there or in uniform at parades, the rest of his time spent in a nursing home somewhere. He picks up a deviled egg and says, in his quiet voice,

"You know, before your grandfather died, he told me that now he had 3 grandsons."

I'm frozen in place. I don't know what to say to that, if I should say anything at all. This is not a conversation I expected to have, especially not with this man. But he continues.

"I didn't know what he meant! So he explained it to me."

And I can imagine it. My great grandfather, uninformed and opinionated but supportive, explaining to his friend the news he barely understood himself over after-service coffee and cookies. His eldest grandchild was now a boy.

"And, you know, I didn't know what to think."

Here, George looks me up and down. This 90-something year old war veteran, who knew me mostly as the little girl playing in the church kitchen with his wife, processing what my great grandfather had really meant. It feels like a long pause, even thought it probably passed in a second.

"But you look good. So, eh!"

And then he smiled, shrugged, and walked away without another word. If I was fine, if I was happier, then that's all that mattered.

George passed away this week, at the age of 99. This memory has been bouncing around in my head for a while, but I wasn't sure if or how I should share it. It was a conversation that meant very little, but also meant the world. It was scary, and funny, and the moment when I realized that sometimes the people you least expect will accept you. Sometimes, even if they don't fully understand, even if they barely know you, someone will choose to support you. And that will always matter.

#experiences #mine #trans positivity #community #queer

[bloomingbluebell]

oh the urge to drop my research course that i Really Do Need To Not Drop

#idk it just kinda. sucks #i remember this prof being bad but not like. this bad yknow #just bad in terms of marking #fortunately i took pretty good notes for the first half of the course last time i took it #because this man.... he's so far behind #like we're still on the third set of lecture slides. we meet twice a week and we're in week FOUR ALREADY #at this rate we're going to finish these slides tomorrow and then MAYBE start on the next set #but he always runs out of time and he ends up rushing through the rest of the slides until he gets to a good stopping point #and at some point i just check out. i can't follow #the familiar urge to drop out of college once again #trying to find a job but its. its so hard. #im gonna look again in a little bit here. havent heard back from any of the ones i applied to a few weeks ago #disappointing. they were really good positions too #you know you're fucked when you don't even get the entry level min wage cashier positions #like?????? what do i do with that?????

[mako-island-moon-pool]

Ignored again today, going to start maiming the hostages until behavior improves

#Look at my bids for human connection LOOK AT THEM #''why don't you ever talk about yourself unprompted'' when I speak no one listens to me #I don't even have the energy to ask why they're ignoring me anymore #Tf am I going to get in response? 'o sorry lol my brain sux'? And then it'll just keep happening? Yeah I'm good #Stupid fucking moron can't discern fantasy from reality- actually believes friendship is a real thing that can happen IRL. More at 11. #Idiot #Should've learned from the last 15 people who ditched you as soon as they realized you were too fucking weird for them to handle #Why the FUCK would any other human on this stupid fucking mud ball be any different??? #You've done it man. You've seen all there is to see. Let it fucking go already. Friendship is a lie sold by big cartoons to make you believe #In something more so you have enough hope to keep on living day to day so that you can be exploited for money #Give it a rest!!! There is no friendship and there is no fridge! They LIED! #For real though #I'm so fucking tired of being ignored all the time. I don't know why it always happens or what I'm doing wrong but I can't stand it anymore #And every time I bring it up I get hollow empty apologies or excuses and no matter what it will continue to happen #I really don't know what else to do. I've spoken to people. I've not spoken to people. I've reached out. I've stayed silent. Everything. #I can't fucking do this anymore I don't know what's wrong with me that makes people think it's fine to do this #People just get angry at me for things they don't tell me or assume I'm angry at them when I'm not and then the whole friendship falls apart #And I can't keep doing this #I don't know what it is about me that makes this so fucking difficult but I can't stand it anymore #My very fucking existence must be branded with something that makes people go 'this one isn't too important we can just ignore it to #Conserve energy' because it happens with *everyone* #Ffs my dad can't even be bothered to remember how old I am #There is something seriously wrong with me #There has to be #I don't think I'm going to be able to escape it

[rivers-for-me]

my grandma's mom recognised me even tho she sees me once a year and sometimes can't recognise her own daughter anymore.......

#it must feel so confusing to have holiday dinners with so many people she doesn't remember anymore #she treats the rest of the family like strangers and guests but and she's always scared she isn't polite enough #but she always told me about her childhood even tho she forgot most of it already #i listened to the same silly story for an hour #she's still embarrassed about talking back to an old man when she was 5 #they worked on the field together and it's so weird to realize how little i knew compared to her at that age #she always tells me how beautiful i am #and i believe her #i don't think she knows who i am but she remembers she loves me and it's so comforting #personal #love #words