#look this week has been painful

[modern-inheritance]

I just want a normal day, where I don’t have to sleep two full hours after work to feel normal, and can sit down when I get home and write like fucking crazy about how Durza gets his creep on, how the crew is doing post-Gil’ead escape, and maybe tinker with some base making for the animatic.

Oh and maybe record the proper audio for the EPIC Durza vs Arya thing and figure out if I’m gonna animate that as well. I kinda want to. It would be fairly simple since it’s so short. I’ve never done action poses but it should be easy with MagicPoser since it’s got action poses built in.

#ket update #look this week has been painful #I don’t know why I’m so tired and so hungry all the time #I wish I was sick or something so it could be explained and I could spend a day sleeping #but I’m still the only embroidery person and I’m way behind again so fat chance #burnout is in my future lol

[hammill-goes-fogwalking]

I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI.

#not dislike. its hate #it made me cry several times today #thinking of how my classmates manipulate our teachers #and chatgpt AIs can EVERYTHING #its so painful to think of it #today I broke down in the bus and cried #idc what people think. hiding my feelings any longer would destroy me from the inside #maybe youve also seen how people use freakin AIs in their exams #the thing is that: #we wrote an exam for which Ive studies for like 2 whole days #this week we finally got the exams back (w the grades ofc) #and ok Ive got a 3 (C in America syste #*m) #my friends who used chatgpt throughout the exam got way better grades (I didnt expect it otherwise) #PLUS #the most provocating messages from the teacher: #“10/10 POINTS :)” “YOURE ROCKING THIS” “YEAH” #💔 #seriously #this breaks my heart #dont the teacher see something suspect in the exam?! #why cant they open their eyes and get modernized to reality. #& they KNOW- the students Im talking of. they usally have bad results. #once our teacher came to a chatgpt student and said the most miserable thing: #“youve been using duolingo a lot lately hm? thats where your nice grades come from 😉🥰” #you get it? #no- this peoson didnt learn. #no- this person isnt even interested in the stuff we learn in lessons #AWFUL feeling to hear the praisings of da teachers when *I* gotta sit among the gpt-students and look like Im a worse student than *them* #[writing this at almost 1 at night] still have some tears. this topic really has the power to destroy someones day. 💔💔

[akkivee]

“this bond is eternal.”

kuukou week day 5: dragon

#kuko harai #bad ass temple #hypmic #hypnosis mic #my dream of drawing kuukou with all sharp teeth has finally been accomplished lmao #this one was originally intended to be my fashion piece but that sure didn’t happen LOL #THIS ONE WAS ALSO A PAIN TO FINISH IT TOOK LIKE THREE WEEKS TO FEEL SATISFIED WITH IT #NONE OF THE COLOURS I CHOSE LOOKED RIGHT AND IT WAS A STRUGGLE TO MAKE SURE NOTHING GOT TOO LOST #it worked out okay but gotdamn 😩😩😩 #i also think it’s funny i started choosing an outfit for kuukou to wear in this piece back in like may-june #and then the block party art drops and it turned out to be eerily similar to my picks lmao #vee is arting

[deus-ex-mona]

series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:

#‘why do you gatekeep hw from your irls?’ well. the thing is. i just ✨don’t want to✨ #and. like. i’ve already led my family to believe that i bought bl manga when i was buying idol sengen at animate #so i think im already past the point of no return in that regard. so. um. yeah. #thank you village vanguard for the unexpected μ’s content in 2k24 you truly are yappa saikyou #i s w e a r falling back into my ll phase almost 10 whole years after i first got into it is unexpected tbh #compounded with the fact that i can now actually afford whatever im looking for. so. like. my wallet is in crisis lol #i had just reached my savings goal last month but now i’ve overspent bc i saw great deals on resold honoka-chan hoodies and i couldn’t help— #so now i have 2 identical hoodies lol. but i’ll keep one of them safe in its packaging bc im unwell like that ig #my merch whaling is out of control i s w e a r but my oshis are just too cute aaaaaaaaa #i probably should open another savings account instead… maybe that’d keep my spending under control… #b u t for now honoka-chan jersey im looking for you #tfw ur oshi is decently unpopular amongst the fans so hardly anyone resells her merch lmao #so ig the relatively fewer fellow fans she has are more dedicated to her than fans of other more popular characters lol #but at least her stuff (when resold) isn’t as overpriced as the actually popular members (birb and tomato) #so my wallet isn’t crying as hard as it could’ve been? ig? hunting for almost 10 year old merch is a pain fr though #either way. the grip idol series have on my wallet is truly insane #i wonder how many bags of chips i could’ve bought with the amount i’ve spent on hw and ll merch to date… #at least a thousand… i think. maybe even 2 thousand if my past gacha game whaling is taken into consideration… #…this is probably why it’s important to have a decent paying job ig. #oh well. at least i may be making b a n k this month with how much ot i’ve had to do this week so far… #i hope i won’t have to work till 5am again over the next 2 days… that had been a horrible experience. #help what am i even talking about anymore why am i having a life crisis right here and now u m. #anyways. dni if you dislike honoka-chan. thanks for coming to my crisis rant. see you when the last stage mv drops ig ok byeeeee

[healingheartdogs]

Cardio said my echocardiogram ultrasound, exercise stress test, and week long heart monitor all showed no serious issues, my resting heart rate is fine, but that my heart rate does seem to rise very rapidly under even small amounts of stress (postural changes, taking stairs, casually walking around my house) and rises very high (160+ bpm according to the monitor) so now I get to be put on beta blockers to see if they work and if they do she said that is sufficient evidence to confirm for sure that it's POTS.

Obviously could confirm it as well with a tilt table test but those are TORTURE based off what I've heard from fellow POTSies so I am very thankful that she doesn't think that's necessary and will not be making me do one.

#i was not expecting to get dx and meds this fast tbh but im very happy about it #i think the fact that she also has POTS herself helps because she is very well acquaintaned with what it looks and feels like #and how hard it is to actually catch with orthostatics in office unless youre having a bad heart day #so my orthostatics not being within range was unsurprising to her and she was like #'that doesnt mean anything you clearly still have a heart rate issue going on even if it didnt show itself right now' #i didnt do shit the entire week i had that monitor on to like physically exert myself but my heart rate still hit almost 170 a few times #also the doctor who did my stress test asked me if i ever experience any chest discomfort or pain and i was like hm no dont think so #and he went 'your chart says you have palpitations though?' #and i was like '... those count as discomfort???' akdjaicidjwjcjsn the answer is yes apparently #im just so used to them now because i have them daily that they dont even really register to me anymore #unless theyre bad enough to knock the wind out of me or make me cough #they just make me anxious which... ig is also a form of discomfort #chronic illness and chronic pain problems though lol not having a normal baseline for discomfort and pain #ndr #not dog related #health stuff #not that anyone probably cares lol but im excited about getting things that have neen affecting me for years FINALLY figured out #im not crazy im just disabled!!!! #*been

[mymarifae]

having a really normal evening

#THE SHINONOME AKITO HAS HARMED ME ONCE AGAIN #I've mever been so ill #onc e the cards aren't leaks anymore i'm probably oging to spam queue his so everyone has to look at him for the next couple weeks #then you will know my pain.

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

.

#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work #blocked it all out #my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer #breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries #they just diagnosed her two weeks ago #so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends #because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well #but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work #on top of my fulltime #which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it #but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this #for the coming four months at least #so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT. #i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes #then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe? #which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week #which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc #i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer #came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry #but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat #bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.” #“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.” #and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually #but seeing her anger made me see my own anger #and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic #i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more #so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise #doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal #and i am not joking #so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back

[semiotomatics]

lol, new fear unlocked: disappointing my therapist when i have bad days -_-

#this has been an original post #personal spewage #clouds gets therapy #like idk. i told her this week was gonna be tough for me bc of my period #but i also said last week was better than expected and she was so happy for me #and we were both so hopeful that this week would be better too #and then it. wasnt #well it wasnt all bad #but yesterday and today have sure sucked lol #im just so. mad #like. this is so unfair #i have a concert tonight that ive been looking forward to _literally all year_ #technically since last year #but i have cramps and i couldnt sleep and its pouring out and i dont have rainboots and i just. cant #or dont want to. whichever #and i know its okay. i know ill get another chance to see him live (tonight wouldve been my 4th time seeing him anyway lol) #but i still just. want to go #i wish i wasnt in pain and exhausted and depressed and just. like this #i wish i wasnt like this #edit: was just reminded that this is actually the SECOND time i had tickets to see him live this year but couldnt go #fucking sucks man #at least i did get to see him live on my birthday #that was. the best

[tastyflowers]

it's tattoo day once again 😬

#I'm so nervous this time!! #I think it's mostly because life has been a bit much this week so I'm very tired and a bit grumpy #and sitting in pain and making conversation for 6 hours is not appealing right now 😅 #but it will look beautiful. she's so skilled. #wish me luck friends!!

[yearningheart]

.

#so uhhh im pregnant lmao #im doing fine its not affecting me all that much but #i would appreciate if anyone that has had an abortion #or knows someone that has had one #can tell me abt their experiences in regards to physical pain and stuff #im looking at abortion pills bc i think it's only been like 3 weeks so #my pain threshold is so low and i have exams soons so im kinda. scared #hoping that everything works out smoothly 😭😭😭 i dont know GOD #also obviously i've done research and im going to a clinic tomorrow for consultation i just wanted firsthand experience #also abortion is illegal where im currently living so 😗✌️

[theskywaslookingback]

My dad: *texts my mom the day after Father’s Day to see if I was mad at him because I didn’t call him*

Also my dad: *sends me a text on Easter and then radio silence for months* *does not call to ask if I have plans for my birthday* *does not text to check in on me* *does not invite me over to his house for anything ever* *allows my stepmom to use his money to prioritize her kids over me* *literally doesn’t ever act like he wants anything to do with me actually* *cancels or changes plans at the last minute because he decides he wants to drink instead* *offers to help my mom pay my car payments and then never does* *gets us gym memberships and then cancels them without warning because he didn’t have the money and just doesn’t tell me* *cannot hold a thirty second conversation without mentioning ‘the Chinese threat’ or ‘Covid was invented by democrats to replace Trump in office’*

My dad: Why doesn’t my child call me? I am the specialist most important person in the whole wide world. What could she have to be mad about?

#angy #sweepy but angy #he told my mom the other day that he wished I’d gotten a real job instead of playing around like I am currently #like with zero awareness that I tried desperately for six months to find a job and literally no one would hire me #and now I can just kind of do my own thing BECAUSE my mom takes care of me and helps me financially #and that we have an understanding that I will absolutely look for a job if she ever asks me to #like we have talked about this multiple times #my silly little business is allowed because my mom makes enough money to take care of us both and invest in the business #if she were to say ‘i need you to find a job to pay for your car payment’ I’d start looking again that very second #we’re both adults like #im literally turning 30 in a few days #and he’s still running his mouth like im 16 and stupid #ignoring the fact that I’ve been sick a majority of my adult life and that it’s gotten significantly worse the last couple of years #to the point that something as common as my period will have me writing on the floor in pain for days and sick to my stomach for weeks #this man has a wife that has NEVER worked a day in her LIFE and he wants to tell ME to get a job?? #anyway she told me about it when she got home and i had to stop myself from reflexively going to set his house on fire #that man better send me fucking money for my birthday it’s all he’s good for

[slugandthorn]

Putting my journal down realizing maybe I shouldn't make a written plan to socialize more efficiently

#.txt #Is efficiently the right word. Diary entry incoming. #Going back and forth in recent days with feeling okay with one sided social stimulation and that's just kind of how my brain works #And recognizing I will not look like a well rounded person because I'm not able to maintain other people's interest in an acquaintanceship #It is likely. At least some part due to like labor isolation and all I do is work I do not have life events to interest people #All I can talk about is video games but incredibly limits the social pool because I like bad games. #And also to some degree distrust and the assumption my presence is unwanted. Which I've been working on a lot! #Today in particular is probably just a bad day. #And I have been very focused on life plans for the past week or so which has become very daunting #Planning on starting a business this year. Which is probably why I'm stressing about being able to reach people. #As it will become financially relevant and not just a personal failing I have accepted. #Reasonably it is probably a therapy thing to address being so afraid of other people. But I do not want to go to therapyyyy I'll do it. #Myself. #Normally. #Not dipping into woe is me I have no one territory at least as bad as I did when I was younger. Recognizing a pattern that I am enacting. #My responsibility to improve. Yada yada. I just wish it was a bit easier to feel my like. Presence. #And the constant improvement mindset straying into never good enough is very difficult to avoid. #And it's not a matter of being a good enough person to have close relationships. But I think its easiest to ascribe personal failure #When you are unable to do something. Well the most likely culprit is probably never leaving the house and being undiagnosed. #Which I can arguably do things about. #Also I'm tired. But I'm going to work on my resume tonight anyway and hope tummy pain passes and maybe talking to people will be easier #Another day.

[letnirvanarain]

u know what's wild is that I came back on my 20 follower count little blog last year bc I got obsessed with tma then bodies & was there at the start of a lovely little fandom & then I went thru a big break up and got nerve damage & disappeared only to find 700+ notifications when I log in 2 months later lol

#personal #i swear down my life has never once been fun easy or enjoyable lmfao #i was havin such a good time 4 months ago blogging abt gay victorians #ive been in miserable pain for nearly 3 months bc of this fricken nerve damage #i will say i am apparently expected to recover eventually but will likely be another several months #i also got mad depressed bc the nerve damage came with wild inflammation #it made my face look like a clown for like 8 weeks and i didnt wanna be seen in public #i was also in thailand for some reason #its been a trip #anyway if anyone reads this love ya #ill dip in and out cuz i was havin mad fun blogging about tma and bodies last year #life is wank sometimes #also dont know if it was exactly 20 followers cuz i never checked but its likely

[lightspren]

portal message to my doctor tomorrow: eyyyyyyyyy my good bitch, I still feel like i have a rod thru my skull, pls fix me or put me in a coma, byeeeeeeeeeee

#kit talks #it’s been. a week. #and like on one hand i can mroe or less function thru it so part of me is like Suck It the Fuck Up #but on the other. UUUUUUGH PAIN HEAD SEVEN DAYS #i’ll get breaks of like 1-4 hrs but then it comes back #that still counts tho right? like that’s not long enough for it to be a ‘different’ headache is it?? idfk #i should probably actually type the portal message now so i can send it in the morning #rather than having to figure out wording in the morning #bc wording in the morning will probably be either the above or like #‘owwie. pls help.’ #which is not incredibly descriptive #also this has nothing to do w the headache i’m Stressed about driving my car tomorrow looool #husband sprayed for ants saturday. i sprayed it again today #saw one (1) on the doorframe when i did it today but no others #but also i didn’t look closely enough at the dashboard so idkkkkkkkkkkk #i’m tired of Life lmao

[slythernnn]

I subluxed my left shoulder while I was sleeping

#I’m in so much gods damn pain rn #as it is my right shoulder already has a pinched nerve or something bc the tips of my fingers have been slightly numb for like 2 weeks now #and now bc of my left shoulder I’m walking around like the 80s Batman that can just turn his head to look to the side #he has to turn his whole torso #that’s me rn #I can’t even lay down rn with out pain #I went to make a snack earlier and was in so much pain I almost passed out and threw up 🙃 #it hurts to breathe #and I just choked on my own spit 🥲💀 #I’m done with today #it’s only 2:16 in the morning but I’m done #shut up rian

[introspectivememories]

well now that we know the cult is back, imma need some heavy bernard angst from the comic. the panic attacks, relapses into unhealthy behavior, pushing people away, imma need all of it.

#'but you're okay now?' #'some days.' #make that no days now bear #i need it to start off innocuously too. like he puts off a date or two claiming that he has homework. he's clumsier now. like he doesn't #care what's in front of him. he walks into a pole once and ends up with a huge bruise on his shoulder. bernard presses on it for weeks. #and then comes the 'it's just once. I'm not gonna do it again.' behavior. the purposeful pain. the dig his nails into his wrists until #it stings. the bandages on the inside of his thighs kinda pain. #the 'tim can never find out about this' type of unhealthy behavior. #i need bernard to escalate until he wakes up aching one day and it's like he's gone back in time to the beginning of his cult days. #i need him to look himself in the mirror one morning and realize that even if could stop hurting himself he's not going to. #i need him to start loitering around the old cult building knowing that it's wrong to wish they were still active but wanting it anyway. #i need him to go on several benders. so sorry but i think he has a fake id and definitely buys alcohol. #oh my god... wait wait wait! #i need him to go out one night after assuring tim that he's gonna go straight home and get kidnapped by the cult again. #oh my god he wakes up on the altar again. mouth filled filled with wine and his hands tied down and he- #he relaxes. because he was chosen the first time and now he been chosen again. he's still good. thank god thank god he's still good. #and the first time they chose him he was bad. struggled too much begged too hard to be let go. but he's better now. #they chose him. again. he won't fight it this time. he'll be good this time. #this is just your friendly reminder that #cult conditioning takes at /least/ 5 years to wear off. usually more. #my man bernard is gonna be having a Lot of bad days #anyway #bernard dowd #dc #td:r #timbern #ig