#literally had to make myself calm down with breathing exercises during the stream

[avariceaside]

I get distressed easily when other people are distressed, so I was very much not vibing with the end of today’s generation loss episode 

#I almost cried when I saw Niki crying last time #so this was extra upsetting #Genuinely don't know if I'll be able to rewatch todays ep #blood and gore? Fine #Derealization? No big deal #someone sounding upset? Nope #cant handle it #literally had to make myself calm down with breathing exercises during the stream #i mean it was like panic attack type freaked out #but i was NOT vibing #generation loss #gen loss #generation loss spoilers #I guess

[lyrical-panic]

Chapter 5: The Reveal

Cover made on Canva.com

You were great at running. You’d been running from your problems for year, both figuratively and literally. Before however, your problems followed you, now they simply wait on bated breath for your return. What’s the point in running, though, if no one’s chasing you?

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Masterlist

TRIGGER WARNING: (Y/N) IS GONNA HAVE A PANIC ATTACK. IF THAT WILL DISCOMFORT YOU, THEN PLEASE SKIP THIS CHAPTER. I WILL HAVE A SUMMERY OF THE CHAPTER AT THE VERY END, SO SCROLL ALL THE WAY DOWN IF YOU DON’T WISH TO READ ABOUT A PANIC ATTACK.

Bruh, this is one of my longest chapters. I’m very happy about this one. I’d say this is a tipping point in (Y/N) and Tenya’s relationship, so please enjoy. :)

. . .

If that goddamned thing goes off one more time, I’m going to stab myself in the eye. You thought bitterly, kicking your cell phone away.

The offending device had been ringing incessantly for the past four minutes, and kept going off with text alerts every thirty seconds. You were too tired, and your hands too full of needles and yarn to care.

“A little preoccupied at the moment!” You yelled at your phone, as if that would make the calls stop coming in.

You growled, quickly slipping your needles under and over the yarn. This better be important.

Your knitting needles clicked together pleasantly as you quickly finished your row, and set the work aside.

“Now,” you stooped to pick up your phone “what the actual fuck is going on?”

Disregarding the eighteen missed calls for the moment, you winced at the sheer magnitude of text notifications. You had a plethora of messages from your colleagues and the few friends you had outside of work, including Iida and Taiyo. They all said the same sort of things:

Did you see it???

Are u ok?

I’m so sorry

“What the hell happened?” you murmured, navigating to Iida’s text thread. He had sent a link, and a single line: I’m here if you’d like to talk.

Anxiety starting to coil in your stomach, you tapped the link. Your eyes widened as the web page loaded.

It was a news site. The article that Iida had sent was titled CRIMINAL WORKING FOR MUSUTAFU POLICE?

Oh no.

The Musutafu police district has worked with heroes in the past, but now they appear to be branching out to accept the assistance of villains as well. An exclusive interview with as anonymous police investigator reveals that a former inmate of the high-security villain prison Tartarus has been working with the police station for several months now.

The interview revealed the existence of (Y/N) (L/N), a slippery criminal whose name has been kept from the public. In 20XX, (L/N) was arrested for check fraud, but the chase they led from the law was legendary in criminal standards.

At age sixteen, (L/N) ran away from home and began making money by forging and cashing checks. They posed as a pilot for about two years, cashing much larger fake checks in uniform and traveling around the globe.

“(L/N) never actually flew any planes,” our anonymous investigator assured us. “However, pilots can hitch rides on a flight for free, so for years they gave us the slip by escaping to different countries. It was a nightmare.”

The article went on to detail the whole story of your chase and capture, going into your other disguises, and mentioning some of your more risky escapes. Your fingers were numb. You couldn’t feel your feet. You weren’t even sure if your heart was still beating, or if you were breathing. All of the sudden, everything got so much worse when a name caught your eye. It was a name you hadn’t spoken or seen in years, but you remembered it clear as day.

“We actually came very close to catching (L/N) because they fell in love, believe it or not. They tried to settle down with someone, and in that time, they couldn’t change their name.” Our interviewee said “(L/N) had to completely abandon them so we wouldn’t get them. It was actually kind of sad.”

The person in question, who’s asked to be known simply by their surname, Tsuki, has denied us an interview.

No. 

Oh god, no. 

Your phone clattered to the floor, and you stumbled, falling right on your backside. Hyperventilation ripped through your lungs, and you felt tears streaming down your face. You fumbled to hold your phone steady as you haphazardly pressed buttons, hoping muscle memory would guide you. 

“(L/N)? How are you doing?” Iida’s deep calming voice resonated from the device.

“Not good,” you gasped “Iida, I-I’m not ok, I’m-oh god-”

“Ok, ok, (L/N), breathe for me, ok? Please take a deep breath.” IIda pleaded.

You tried to comply, but your hiccups and whimpers kept cutting through.

“I’m scared,” you sobbed quietly.

“I know, just keep breathing. Do you need me to come over? What’s your address?”

You told him, doing you best to steady your breathing.

“I’ll be there shortly. Stay on the line with me.” you heard Iida moving around, and the faint clink of car keys. “Here, breathe with me. In for four, out for five, ready?”

He counted you off as you inhaled, and then exhaled a quivering breath.

“Perfect. You’re doing perfect. Again. In, two, three, four, out, two three, four, five.”

You kept inhaling and exhaling shaky breaths as Iida cooly guided you through.

“You’re doing great, (L/N).” he praised. “I’m right outside your apartment complex. You said 312, right?”

“Yeah, I’ll buzz you up.” you sniffled, slowly rising to your feet.

“Take it easy,” Iida reminded you.

A few long minutes later, you heard a sharp knock. You scrambled to let your friend in. 

You were lucky it was late and he was off work. His hair was ruffled and his shirk was uncharacteristically wrinkled and untucked. He looked as though he had only just ditched his hero uniform.

You collapsed into his arms, still crying quietly. “I’m sorry,” you croaked. 

“Please don’t apologize, this isn’t you fault.” Iida readjusted his grip on you so he had one arm around your shoulder as he led you further into your apartment. “Do you need anything? I can make some tea if you’d like.”

You nodded pathetically, sitting back down on your couch. “Tea bags are int he cupboard top left of the stove.” you called after his retreating back.

“Alright, don’t worry, I’ll take care of it. You just relax.” he turned to you, flashing you a small concerned smile.

A few minutes later, you found yourself with a mug of steaming hibiscus tea as Iida sat down next to you with a mug of his own. “Give it a minute, it may still be too hot.”

You nodded, blowing on your beverage. “Sorry I only have one kind of tea. I live alone, and I don’t ever have friends over.”

“Not to worry.” he reassured you. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Yeah, a little. Thanks for coming over.”

“You’re welcome, but it’s not trouble, really. I got off work a little wile ago, so you caught me at just the right time.”

“Or you caught me.” you muttered, gingerly sipping your tea. “Then again, what with everyone I’ve ever known blowing up my phone, I would’ve figured it out eventually.”

“I ought to tell you it wasn’t just an online article,” Iida hesitated, staring at you in concern. “I actually discovered it from the news on the TV. I just went to the web page to see how far it had spread.”

“This is just getting better and better, huh?” you groaned, resting your head on the back of the couch.

Iida placed a hand on your shoulder, causing you to flinch.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he retracted his hand, looking abashed. “I should’ve asked.”

A large rough hand gripped your shoulder, harshly pulling you forward.

Your mind was hyper-aware of the handcuffs around your wrists, and every single hand touching, pushing, pulling, and forcing you into the back of the police car.

“It’s fine,” you said quietly, criss-crossing your legs.

“Do you want me to touch you at all?” Iida asked, an anxious expression crossing his face. 

“No, just-uh-give me a minute.”

“Ok, let me know if you change your mind. Is there anything you want to talk about?” he asked soothingly.

“Can you just sit here with me? No talking or anything?”

“Of course.”

...

SUMMERY FOR THOSE WHO ARE DISTURBED BY PANIC ATTACKS

(Y/N) was trying to enjoy a quiet evening, but their phone was going off without signs of stopping. When (Y/N) finally checked their phone, they saw a lot of texts saying things like “did you see it?” and “I’m so sorry”. They were incredibly confused, and saw that Iida had sent them a link to a news site. The article had the story of their criminal escapades that they had hoped to not share, including several sensitive pieces of informations, such as the name of a person they had had a relationship with during their life on the run. The article revealing all their secrets, and a past they wished to run from, pushed them into a panic attack. They called Iida, who guided them through a breathing exercise as he drove to their apartment. When he arrived, he made them some tea, and they sat together. Iida touched (Y/N) on the shoulder in an attempt to comfort them, but they flinched away, remembering how they were touched and manhandled during their arrest. Iida gives (Y/N) the space they need to collect their thoughts, but per their request, he stays with them and just keeps them company.

#mha #bnha #iida #tenya #tenya iida #mha x reader #bnha x reader #tenya x reader #iida x reader #tenya iida x reader

[tweeterbugkayla]

If there’s anyone who’s dealing with stress/anxiety during this hard time that our world is going through, this is for them and you didn’t stumble across this accidentally. The universe has made this appear to you for a reason. I hope this will help at least someone who’s been overwhelmed by everything and can use some of these techniques in your everyday routine. Reblog/share or tag anyone who needs this!

Everyday when you wake up set the intention it will be a good day. Just realize it’s a new fresh day and nothing will ruin it for you because your intention on it being a good day will play out to it being the best day. Feel it’s a new day and yesterday is the past. It’s gone.

Immediately after you set the intention it’s a new day and it’s gonna be a good one, just for a second think of 1 thing you’re grateful for whether it be just you waking up to see another day, family, pets, roof over your head, the bed you slept in, food, wifi. Anything! Feel it.

Once you get up, go have a glass of water & take vitamins (Multi-vitamins are good.) Instead of coffee that can make you anxious, have a cup of hot tea. (Green, Chai, Lavender, lemon & ginger, black, white) There’s more benefits! It’s calming and healthy for your mind & body.

Now if there’s one thing at all you take from this, let this be it! It’s scientifically proven that delta/beta sound waves and frequencies can effect the mind & body. 432 hz meditation music is so helpful for stress and anxiety. There’s something for everything, healing, stress, sleep, positive energy, cleansing and so much! Use this! https://youtu.be/owVazx83hcc

While you’re listening to positive music to help your vibrations and drinking hot tea, this is the time I recommend getting out a notebook and making a gratitude list. Write down any and everything you’re grateful for. Having gratitude brings you abundance. Focus on what you have now rather than what you don’t have. “If you focus on what you don’t have instead of what you already have, you’ll never have enough” - Oprah

Take the time right after to feel everything you’re grateful for and meditate. Doesn’t matter how long. Take deep breaths then clear your mind. The apps Headspace & Calm can guide you. There’s also guided meditations for anything on youtube. Crystals also help if you have them. Count 10 of your breaths then start again. Focus on your breathing. Remember. You’re not your thoughts. Imagine a river in your mind flowing and your watching each thought you have go down the stream. Instead of engaging in the thought, just let it go.

A personal thing I always do after meditation is pray/manifest. The reason being is my mind is cleared and my energy is at the strongest point for my message to be delivered to my guardian angels. I can think clearly about what it is I’m asking God/Universe for without unfocusing and they can hear me clearly. Think of it as singles you’re trying to send someone. You can think a sentence in your mind but if you feel it in your heart and inner core, you’re going to be putting off singles of that can be sensed. Kind of like how your pet can sense if you’re happy or not. Or even your best friend or partner. No one can read your mind, but they can most definitely tell when you’re feeling a certain way. It’s the same kind of energy you want to give out into the universe so your prayers can speak for themselves. The way you feel about things, shows how things mean to you and that’s what’s important.

A good thing that also helps after meditation is yoga. It’s a lot of breathing exercises while stretching your body. Your mind isn’t wondering off in the distance because you’re too busy focusing on breathing and stretching at the same time. You have to really be present. You can look up yoga for beginners for 5 minutes if you’re like me and never tried anything like it before. Surprisingly it’s a lot harder than it looks when you actually dive into it. There’s also 30 day challenges and if you have any yoga clothes stores around you, check to see if they do classes. Look into your community to see if any yoga groups have any sessions you can attend. Great way to meet people who are on the same journey or have been through similar things!

After yoga I keep track of everything I’ve done in a notebook. I write down how long I’ve meditated/yoga and if I had any thoughts that distracted me during it & how I felt afterwards. It helps me think about why I had those thoughts interrupt and what I should do.

Throughout my day I’ll sometimes carry around a crystal with me depending on my mood and what I feel I need. You can research different meanings for them but they’re definitely helpful. If my mind begins to wonder I’ll stop myself and say positive affirmations about myself.

If you’re really having a day and it just feels like nothing you do is working, write down as many things about yourself that you love. Literally rewire your subconscious self-beliefs into believing you love yourself 100 percent. Even if you might think you don’t like something about yourself, write that love it anyways. This is still an everyday journey for myself personally because I may not like certain features about myself but I remind myself at least I have this body to carry my soul and life around into the world. It’s a journey that everyday you have to remember to tell yourself positive things. Fill up an entire page of positive affirmations. Self love is key. Your mind really listens to what you say about yourself. If you constantly tell yourself over and over “I’m so gross, I’m sick, I’m disgusting etc.” your body is going to respond to that message and make you start to feel sick. But if you’re loving and caring to yourself and say “I am healthy, I’m beautiful, I feel so amazing” then you’re gonna feel that way. Start with “I ams” I am beautiful, I am smart, I am abundant, I am healthy, I am grateful and so on. You can even go from head to toe and say you love every inch of each body part. There’s also helpful positive affirmations guided videos on YouTube.

At night time before you go to bed, write down in a journal how your day went and literally just let go and write about anything. No one will see it. It’s just you and your journal. But write. I write about my day and my prayers for the night. I’ve been writing in the journals that @taylorswift attached to the Lover booklets. She’s a very successful woman and guess what, she wrote in journals since she was a little girl. It’s so therapeutic to just let out how you feel on the pages of a book instead of hitting send on that tweet that you might end up deleting because you don’t want people to see how so and so at work hurt your feelings.

I can’t tell you how much this routine has changed my life. It can help yours too. I promise. Try this routine for a month and see how it changes your life, & mindset about yourself. Do your research. There’s so much that’s available to you on these topics. Read self help books like “You Are A Bassass” make vision boards of your dreams and goals. Listen to podcasts. Watch videos like Lavendaire, Isabel Palacios and Leeor! Anything with Oprah talking about her spirituality journey is so inspiring. I even watched “A Wrinkle In Time” because of her.

There’s many other ways that help like working out, coloring, painting, clean, doing your own nails, playing with pets, spending time with family, take baths, have a self care spa day. You can actually get L-Theanine vitamins for stress now, Olley has Goodbye stress gummies. I really hope some of this helps someone. If anyone has any questions please reach out to me. It’s definitely a journey we’re all going through and all we can do is take it one day at a time and continue to move forward with our lives. Always here. ❤️

Also wanted to add some films I’ve watched on Netflix that’s helpful and could help someone too. Healing, The Secret and anything to do with Yoga. Also if anyone has any tips or advice or suggestions I would appreciate them! 😊❤️

Share this with your friends who might find this helpful. ❤️

- Kayla 💗

#selfworth #self love #self care #love #stress #anxitey #overthinking #overwhelmed #panic attacks #tips #yoga #manifest #meditate #manifestation #meditation #manifesting #praying #universe #god #graditude #grateful #abundance #pray #blessed #tea #writing #self help #help #care #calm

[goldenkiva]

unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever. 

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)

#jack txt

[claytonsarah1990]

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[mycounselortoldmetojournal]

On Today... (7-25-19)

I have a whole bunch of topics lined up I want to write about.  Usually when I post here, it’s because some topic has come to mind and I want to explore the ideas.  I have about 15 articles in my drafts folder, ranging from masturbation to suicide to The Jiggle to Food to parents.... fuck, I don’t want to writ ethe food one.  I mea, I do, but I think I”ll need to do it on a full stomach. Or after lifting.  But for whatever reason, today, I just don’t want to write on any of those.  

So I’m sitting here at work, eyes closed, headphones in, listening to calming piano music, just letting the words flow from my fingers.  I”m not really sure what I want to write about. All I know is I can’t stop writting; just gotta let the words flow and see what happens.

Therapy  bro suggested I wroite about anger, but it seems titling this ‘On Anger” woul dbe a bit too... pointed ? on the nose? Acquiesenct to his request? :P Me? Issues with authority? Defiant?  Never.....

I just want to shut out the world right now.  Everything has lost its joy today.  Nothing is worthwhile.  I opened grindr and was like, “Yup, same guys. Same ones not gonna respond.  Same ones hitting me up I need to block... but I don’t even have the effort for that.” Messenger is blowing up, and I really don’t want to respond.  I really should go to the gym, but I know I”m not going to.  I probably will go get on the bike and get some cardio in.  I”ve gotta do something, at least.  There’s a “working women’s wine night” tonight.  I don’t really want to go or be social but I think it’d be better for me than sitting and stewing in the dark.

Stewing. About what?  What is it about therapy last night that has me in such a deep funk? Is it therapy, or therapy bro’s criticisms (not hit intent or words, but my filter,) that’s pissing me off? Or is it the fact taht for someone as smart as I am, or as smart as I believe myself to be, I can’t get a grip on my emotions and use them for something healthy? Or is it that I”m stuck in this circular pattern of thought where my stomach and flab diminishes my self worth to absolutley nothing and I think it’d be really , really nice to actually feel.... valued. Wanted. Worth something. Anything. 

And that’s the Catch-22, isn’t it?  Because I know people to value me. I know people do find my attractive.  I know people have said they want me around. But therein is the catch:

I don’t believe it.

And until *I*am the one who believes they actually do want me around, or actually do find me attractive, or whatever... until I accept it, it doesn’t do me any good.  So why is it so fucking hard for me to believe I’m worth something?  Where did this idea in my past get instilled that my gut and stomach and body make me worthless?  Is it my brother and his constant tormenting?  Was it the kids at school?  Was it not being able to climb the rope during the PE challenges?  Or was it because I had to be good at everythign the first time right away, and the physical fitness was just something that I could never get the hang of?   Or is it because as smart as I am, I literally cannot understand what therapy bro is saying, or trying to communicate? 

I feel an odd kindred connection with Robin Williams these days.  People see me at work and they know me to be this jovial person and there’s this expectation that I’m always supposed to be ON. Like, there’s no opportunity for a bad day, for an off day.  They’re sending me up to Minnesota next week and I have to charm the pants off everyone from three states.  (A charming IT guy? How many of them do you know? )  Tonight, if I go to the wine women’s thing, I know it’ll be an act. Everyone will expect me to be ON, and I just don’t want to be.  I kinda just want to sit on the couch, watch the guys, and have someone sit next to me, and just... be.  

‘Cuase inside, I know I”m... sad isn’t the word.  Sad doesn’t do it justice.  Tired. Like, not in my body, but my soul. My soul is weary. Worn. Scrapped to a nub. There’s nothign left and it just feels raw.  And it doesn’t feel good. Like skin drug over asphalt for miles, then had lemon juice poured on it. 

Maybe this is the point of therapy; to take a giant-ass stick and stir the shit-pot of emotions and cloudy the waters, but fuck, that stick is in the wrong pot, it feels like. 

I could write about anger, but today I just don’t feel it. I don’t feel the anger; I don’t feel the desire to talk about it.  Today I jsut want to..... Not be,.  To not exist. For just a little while. Not for forever; not to cease all being; but just for a little while; a respite; a pause; a breath; .... a breath in the race of life. 

I think I’m tired of the *shoulds*.  I ‘should’ do more self-care. Exercise, eating right. I want to want to do those things, not because someone else said I Should. I don’t really know what I want, if I’m hones.  Like, what do I want?  Short term, long term?  I honestly don’t know.  I don’t know what drives me; what motivates me; what pushes me.  There’s really nothing that I strive for that I long for that’s within my grasp.  A partner? But what does that even mean? And why? It’s not that I want a partner to complete me. I”ve always rejected that idea.  IT’s more... validation?  I don’t know if that’s the right word, but it’s what springs to mind.  IT’s this muddled concept of validation; saying my existence matters and that I matter and that someone is on my side, but also s place, a person, a space where I can let the walls down. Where I can exit the threat condition. 

Fuck.  If that point in time ever comes, I’m going to be REALLY bad at it. I don’t know that I exit the threat condition even when I’m at home.  I was always terrified to have hookups over back in the day because I was convinced the neighbors woul dhear two dudes going at it, and when my GF would come over, someone would knock on my door and out me.  Just... because people are assholes.  So if I ever find a way to exit the threat condition I’v ebeen in for the last 20 some-odd years, I have no idea how it will feel.  Oddly, it will probably feel like a threat, because it’s so foreign. 

Okay.  That’s enough stream of consciousness for now.  Not sure if this makes me feel better or not, but hey... it’s out there.  Off to ride the bike.