#literally couldnt get a word out

[godsfavoritescientist]

Building off of what I wrote in my fic "Sparks," I'm really compelled by the idea of Ford genuinely no longer being interested in sailing around in a boat with Stan by the time they were seniors in high school.

I like the idea of it not being just a symptom of the resentment that had been building between them, nor it being a dream of Ford's that only paled in comparison to west coast tech, but it being a genuine loss of interest on Ford's end. I think it complicates things even further in some really juicy ways.

Like, imagine going through high school slowly losing more and more interest in the dream you've shared with your twin and only friend ever since you were little kids. How do you break it to him? How do you explain it to him without making it sound like a rejection of him? Without it making him hate you?

How do you explain it without it feeling like a spit in the face to all the hard work he's put into a plan that started out as a way of him comforting you by telling you "it doesn't matter what people say about you, you're going to be an adventurer who sails away into the sunset and never has to hear their mockery ever again, and there will be babes and treasure and heroism, and then they'll all see how cool you really are!"

And all through high school you think to yourself, "he's going to move on to more realistic dreams any day now, and then I won't have to say anything about it!" But no matter how many times you mention something else he could do with his life that he seems interested in, or bring up the challenging logistics of traveling around long-term in a boat, he sounds just as committed to the childhood dream as ever, and completely oblivious to how apprehensive you sound.

So resentment grows, little by little. Because that's easier than confronting the soul-crushing levels of guilt that are building up inside of you, every time you don't take an opportunity to tell him you don't want to do the plan anymore. You don't have a single person in your life who modeled how to have difficult conversations for you. As far as you know, having this conversation with Stan would crush him into tiny little pieces and then he would hate you forever, and you can't stand the idea of losing the only friend you've ever had.

So tensions grow. A lack of interest turns into a bitter resentment that, if you were really being honest with yourself, is directed more at yourself than it is at Stan.

And then the falling-out happens, and it seems like you were proven right. Stan hates you now, and he's never going to forgive you for giving up on his dream. But two can play that game, so you try to hate him too. Because if you hate him too, then maybe it won't hurt as much that he never came back. That he never even turned up at school, or by the boat, or in through your bedroom window in the middle of the night. He knows what dad's like, and how he says impulsive exaggerated things when he's angry, and haven't you both dealt with his harsh words countless times before and been able to dust yourselves off and joke about it later? So why isn't he back at home, joking with you about how absurd your dad acted that night, being impossible and belligerent about ruining your dream, but at least now you're even, because you've ruined his dream too.

-

And now imagine you find out he risked the lives of everyone in existence to bring you back, right after you had accepted your fate was to die killing Bill. It would be terrifying and confusing and infuriating. If he cared so much, why didn't he do something to reconnect with you sooner? Why did he ignore you in favor of trying to make it big without you? Why didn't he take the infinitely safer and simpler action of reaching out to you without you having to track down his address and send a desperate plea for help? You were convinced that he didn't care enough to bother with you unless you had an important enough reason for him to come. But even then, he thought your plans were stupid. He didn't want anything to do with you, not even with the world at stake.

Did he save your life out of guilt? Does he pity you that much? It doesn't add up with what he did in the decade leading up to shoving you into the portal. And the dissonance between the version of him in your head that hates you, and the man who held out his arms to welcome you back to your home dimension, is so strong that you feel like you're being lied to again, like you're back in the depths of gaslighting and manipulation that Bill put you through, even though there's no way that's what Stan is trying to do... right? You can't figure it out, so you run away from it. You don't want to know the answer to whether or not Stan hates you, because you don't know which answer would hurt more, so you try to make him hate you more than ever, because at least then you would know for sure how he feels.

And in the end, after he sacrifices his memories for you, and for the world, things seem clearer. The layers upon layers of confusion and anger and hurt seem to have washed away like drawings in the sand, leaving behind the simple truth: that you two had an argument, and didn't move past it for forty years, and despite everything you put each other through, you both still want to re-connect.

So you sail away in a boat together.

And at first, it's wonderful. It's exactly what you want. It feels like an apology to Stan, and a thank-you for saving the world, and a once-in-a-lifetime chance to heal the rift between you two, and it's good to be back on earth, and you wonder why you ever doubted the dream you two once had.

But then, after the first long journey you spend on the sea together, when you get back home to dry land, Stan is already talking about planning your next adventure out on the open sea. He recaps every adventure you had on the first trip, over and over again, and he wants to chat with you all through the morning and long into the night, and you don't have the words to explain to yourself that you don't have enough social battery for this, and suddenly you're slipping back into the horrifyingly familiar feeling of Stan being overbearing and needing space from him and how could you think that? How could you think that about him after everything he's done for you and everything he's forgiven you for? But the longer this goes on, the more you realize that you still don't want to spend the rest of your life sailing around with Stan. It's great fun in moderation, but the idea of your whole life revolving around Stan and going on adventures with Stan and being in a boat with Stan with no time to be by yourself thinking about your own things and figuring out your own dreams makes your skin crawl with a claustrophobic kind of panic that you still don't know how to put into words forty years after the first time this feeling grabbed you by the throat and ruined your friendship with Stanley.

But the first time this happened, it nearly ruined his life forever. You can't let yourself feel this. You don't feel this. You're happy to spend the rest of your life fulfilling Stan's lifelong dream, and making up for the time you crushed his dream, and sure, maybe he crushed your dream once too, and maybe it would be nice for him to support your dreams like you're now doing for him, but you can't say that. He saved the universe, and it would be horrible and ungrateful and cruel for you to try to voice these feelings, especially when you don't know how to voice your feelings without it making other people feel like you twisted a knife into their gut. So you try to pretend the feeling isn't there.

You go out on a boat with Stan again. You planned out another incredible journey together, and this should be fun, and you should be happy about this, but the unspoken feeling you shoved as far down in yourself as it could possibly go is eating you alive. The worst part? Stan is starting to notice. You have never been good at hiding your emotions. The trick to it has always been to convince yourself you don't feel it at all, and not think about it, and that has always worked like a charm. But whenever the emotion claws its way back up to the forefront of your mind, you can tell Stan knows something is wrong. So you can't even give him the happy ending he deserves. You can't even convince him that you want to be here on the open seas forever with him, like he deserves. And you keep trying and trying to hide it, but Stan keeps asking in roundabout ways, like "You're being awfully quiet, sixer," and "whats that look on your face?" and eventually it comes exploding out of you like a shaken-up soda bottle dropped on its cap.

And then it's like you're back at home in New Jersey again, standing in the living room while dad grabs Stanley by the shirt. It all comes pouring out of you, in the worst possible way, with the worst possible phrasing, like a pandora's box of monstrousness, and Stan tries to fight back against the sting of your words, but you're made out of acid and you're burning through him and you can see it on his face, and there's never any coming back from this, not this time, you'll just have to either jump into the ocean or become a monster forever, so Stan can hate you more easily again, and-

-and at the end of the outburst, you're still on a boat in the middle of nowhere in the ocean with your brother, in dangerous waters, and you have things to do to keep the boat running smoothly.

You can't run away from him. He can't run away from you. You're stuck here for at least a couple more weeks, even if you turned around and sailed back towards shore right away.

-

And the thing that compels me so much here, despite how unbelievably angsty it all is, is that it sets up a situation wherein the Stans might end up forced to actually address the decades of resentment and confusion and wanting-to-reconnect-throughout-it-all that they thought they could gloss over and heal with enough time spent adventuring together on a boat. They might end up forced to actually address the crux of the issue that drove them apart in the first place: Ford wanting a little more space to feel like his own person, and to feel like he's able to have his own dreams, too.

It wouldn't happen easily, nor right away, but if they were stuck together on a little boat in the middle of nowhere surrounded by magical creatures they have to protect each other from in order to make it back home alive, then after they had one fight where they brought up all the things they silently agreed to never bring up again, it would probably happen many more times, and each time it would leave them both angrier at each other than ever, until eventually something honest slipped through amidst all the saying-anything-except-what-they-mean bickering. And once enough of these honest moments slipped through, then they would have a thread to tug on to start to unravel the gargantuan knot of their decades of unresolved conflicts.

And then, eventually, maybe Stan could learn that he can have a good friendship with his brother without needing to be glued to him at the hip, and Ford needing a certain amount of alone time doesn't mean he dislikes him or wants to abandon him, and Ford could learn that he can be honest and have a meaningful connection with someone without it driving them away and making them hate him.

#succumbed to the stan twins angst visions and wrote 2000 words about this #ford pines #ford meta #this turned into a character analysis that almost reads like a fic #godswriting #<- i need to change my writing tag to this #something bothers me a little bit about the solution to their conflict being 'ford appreciates stan more now so he is now fine with- #-boat adventures with stan'. to me it leaves the initial conflict of 'he doesnt want to do that anymore' unresolved #obviously you could easily argue that ford never stopped wanting to go on boat adventures with stan and he just couldnt justify it to- #-himself when compared to the opportunity at west coast tech. but that has one less layer of conflict #compared to the possibility that he truly was not interested in boat adventures anymore. ESPECIALLY if its a manifestation of him #feeling suffocated by the whole dynamic-twins-duo thing #its normal to start wanting a little bit more space especially at that age. to want to have space to figure out who you are #the healthy thing would have been them talking about it and figuring out a compromise. like 'when ford needs space he can spend a few hours #-alone without stan being worried the whole time that it means ford hates him' and 'we still spend x amount of time working on the boat and #-we still chat on the way to and from school every day and hang out at the beach on weekends' #like of fucking course it was never about hating stan or about wanting to get away from him because of who he is as a person! #he literally just wanted to have a little bit of breathing room to be his own separate person. he just didn't know how to put it into words #I really think the crux of it all was them not knowing how to navigate that balance between independence and identity while staying close #so ford misattributing/reducing that feeling to 'I dont have the exact same dream as stan anymore. why does he still have that dream. oh no #feels like a good way of giving that conflict a tangible aspect to it thats easy for the stans to point at and talk about as a way of- #-alluding to the REAL core of the conflict between them. #and of course the show never says 'they sail around the world for the rest of their lives 24/7' so it's not like it Actually Conflicts with #-my interpretation of the conflict and how it should be resolved. but since its the last thing we see happen between them when theyre given #their happy ending. I feel compelled to say 'hey I know them living in the shack together and traveling in a boat every single year sounds- #-really fun and like a satisfying ending but I think they should have a Little Bit more space from eachother than that. Hanging out almost- #-daily but not literally being in the same house and same boat for the rest of their lives. bc if stan was ok with ford asking for that- #-little bit of space and if ford didnt panic and isolate himself from everyone whenever he needs like one hour of alone time? that would- #-feel like a big piece of the puzzle fitting into place for their conflict resolution and growth as characters. to me #and I think they deserve to have all the tied-up-loose-ends and resolved-conflicts and character-growth in the world.

[rouge-the-bat]

this is. an EXTREME long shot. but im trying to make a transcript for yu yu hakusho and i need subtitles to help for parts that i cant make out, but ive come to an issue:

the box set i got just. doesnt have subtitles for the dub for some fucking reason

hulu, which is being payed for, only has 2 seasons of yu yu hakusho, for some fuckign reason

funimation/crunchyroll, while once having the show available for free with ads, now has everything after season 1 locked, and everything from episode 4 onward locked specifically for the dub

any 🏴‍☠️ sites im finding online does not have subtitles for the dub

so that brings me to the point of this post: since i have the yu yu hakusho box set, i am NOT giving crunchyroll/funimation any more money. and so even though its a long shot, would anyone be okay with me using their already-subscribed account on crunchyroll or funimation so i can use the subtitles for my transcripting?

EDIT: someone very awesome and sweet is helping me and sharing their account now!!! so ig disregard this post now!

#i would just watch it without subtitles but i dont wanna guesstimate whats being said if i cant quite make smthn out (looking at YOU jin) #and i also cant type out the subtitles 1:1 bc sometimes the wording is just sliiiightly off #and ofc i have to be a fucking perfectionist #anyways. i dont expect anyone to be comfortable to share their account but if there is anyone id appreciste it SO much #bc its so unfair that to get dub subtitles id have to pay MORE money so i can watch it online when i already got the box set :( #lame as fuck that they limited the show to subscribers once the box set dropped bc it USED to be available for free #and they just blocked unsubscribed ppl without any warning #literally before i got the box set i was in the middle of a rewatch #and when i went back to continue after just a few days i just couldnt watch anymore #im gonna be posting this transcript online btw so itll be available for everyone #im hoping others will find it useful too

[cheerfullycatholic]

I think I'm gonna be thinking about hermit crabs for the rest of my life

#this mornings conversation with myself was about those weird self reliant 'lone wolf' types of people #and how much literally everything including us relys on something and someone else #mainly God #always and forever #and how crabs rely on snail shells for protection we rely on God for protection as well #and just yeah #idk i worded so much better in my head while feeding the chickens #couldnt replicate it to save my life #but you get it right? what i mean? #sometimes we can find answers ro our questions by looking out instead of in #because the same God who created us #created all of this #and the strings that collect it all together is so much More than we can ever hope to imagine

[rpfsex]

every single line from me & you is an absolute powerhouse i don't even care. lyrically that song is so insanely well arranged i have always loved her but i appreciated her 10 times more hearing her live

#“last years wishes are this years apologies every last time i come home” THE FIRST LINE. #AND ITS THAT??? ARE YOU CRAZY. YOURE CRAZY #I ONLY KEEP MYSELF THIS SICK IN THE HEAD BECAUSE I KNOW HOW THE WORDS GET YOU (OFF) #the entire song down to the chorus and the bridge and the everything. Literally perfect. #COLLECT THE BAD HABITS THST YOU COULDNT BEAR TO KEEP OUT OF THE WOODS BUT I LOOOOVE #A TREE I USED TO LAY BENEATH KISSED TEETH STAINED REEEEDDD

[darcyolsson]

just wrote an assignment on a movie despite not having seen the movie or having read any of the literature i was supposed to analyse it with. will keep you updated on if i pass this one but honestly i think i did

#it was 2 and a half hours long and about jfk you have to understand.... im literally just a girl #i keep having to watch movies for this course (it's deeply unserious but it's literally 2 more weeks so im not quitting) get me out of here #im not an enjoyer of movies!! #controversial opinion to have i know..... someone kinda ended things w me bc of that once lmfao #like he said the words i cant be with you because you dont like watching movies #couldnt even say anything to that tbh #personal

[thatonebylershipper]

my mom is such a silly goose fr

#shes not actually she needs to figure her fucking shit out #i was having executive dysfunction issues and couldnt do ONE thing that she asked me to do since my brother didnt do it before he #left the house like he was supposed to #and so then i was supposed to do it apparently and since i couldnt she started yelling at me and my sister and crying #and playing the victim as always #saying that apparently i never help out around the house even tho i literally do stuff all the fucking time that no one asks me to do????? #anyway like dude i get that you have childhood trauma but you are a grown ass adult and it is your responsibility to work through that and #become a better person for your family #anyway im not upset about making her mad i really dont give a fuck #i mean i know my dad is gonna have something to say to me and my siblings when he gets home later but its the same words every time #so ill be fine #but i am pretty angry that she made my sister cry #she (my mom) locked herself in her room to throw a tantrum like a fucking ten year old 💀 #personal

[bo0zey]

Did I miss "back from the war" recreation or is that not happening

OK so i've been meaning to address this for a while because it’s actually something i've been genuinely annoyed/sad/upset about; my original plan to recreate the post was to go to riot fest & have someone take pics of me during MCR live in person (caption wouldve been something like ‘when will mcr--omg they;re Back from the Warfdskns’ lol idk). i ended up 2nd row from the barrier & i was like OMG bc i didn’t expect to get so close & i was like ‘WOW these r gonna b such GR8 PICTURES!!i;m so lucky!!this is gENIUS!’ & so my plan was literally going according to/even better than planned right?? i mean the fact that i was ~a few feet away from the stage n was ~1.5hrs away from seeing mcr LIVE??? my plan was going along SUSPICIOUSLY well..everything was falling into place TOO perfectly...it was almost to good to be true right??? IT WAS. everything went to shit & my plan fell thru during the last band before MCR when my body suddenly fell victim to the effects of being crowd crushed for >7 hours straight; i experienced syncope & was pulled over the barrier & out of the pit by security.

sooooo, you didn’t ‘miss’ anything; the post was supposed to be recreated at the concert, but the universe pulled an uno-reverse on me when it remembered i’m on the universal ‘Do Not Ever Allow to Be Truly Happy’ list lol. i meant to post an update abt my failed plan afterwards, but tbh the actual event in itself made me wanna fr kms, and i felt even guiltier/worse for being unable to fulfill my promise to u all bc i fr planned on recreating it at the concert. 'ok but u were still at the concert after u got pulled out’ ok physically yes but mentally N-Ooo. due to the hypoxia (lack of blood blow/oxygen to the brain) i’d obtained secondary to being crowd crushed PLUS the psychological trauma of being removed against my living breathing dying will from the pit (btw the psychological trauma has nothing to do with being crowd-crushed but im not gonna get into that turmoil rn lol), i was stuck in an altered mental state for the remainder of the concert. i was dissociated for mcr’s entire set until i woke up the next morning & it took ~3-4 days for my body to fully recover from the physical trauma of being crowd crushed.

i still plan on recreating the post eventually, but tbh it’s not rlly my top priority atm bc 1) i still can’t come to terms w/ the fact i lost my 1 n only chance to experience MCR live & 2) imo seeing MCR live was the perfect opportunity to recreate the post & that clearly didn’t work out for me sooo now i have no idea how else i can top that idea :( .

#i have an idea but i’m not sure if it’ll work...imma need mcr 2 pull thru n meet me halfway on this 1 lol #anywyas i h8 talking abt riot fest i feel like every1 h8s me whining abt it too lol #i was so angry and upset with the world and myself. i really tried so hard to stay conscious; #ppl were asking if i was ok & i kept nodding yes because i didn’t want to be pulled out of the pit bc #then i’d lose my spot + my ONLY chance to see MCR live & so up close. #next thing i know i’m being pulled over the barrier by security and WHOOSH into dissociationville i go. #they were too much for my brain to handle so i’d just fall back even more into that weird dissociated state #i honestly would have preferred to not have even attended the concert. like HONESTLY 100% deadass i wish i didnt even go. #like imagine urself in my shoes lol i went from being 2nd row from the stage to like 70000 rows away. #yall dont understand how awful it is to have such a golden opportuntiy to be 1 hr n a few feet away from the band who saved u #to having it all ripped away from u in literally a matter of seconds #if i’d just stayed home my 12y/o little wouldn’t have had to experience the psychological trauma of having everything to having nothing. #my 15/16 year old teen wouldnt have had to re-live the experience of realizing there’s nothing left #in this world to comfort/protect/save her OR her childself #22 year old me realizing i failed them and all the other parts of me. i cant be happy i cant have shit in this world #i couldnt have my mom but at least i had mcr right??? nope lol that got ripped out of my fingertips too #i cant even begin to describe the emotional damage/psychological blow the situation had on me bc like #i cant even put it into words and i know nobody will truly understand/believe me when i say how heartbreaking & detrimental this #situation was for my already fucked up psyche. or they’ll think im exaggerating but its like u dont get it #ive lost so many things and people i spent my entire childhood/adolescence maladaptive daydreaming. #at age 12 mcr became my escapism for ~4yrs straight bc they were the only thing that made me happy #while all the other ppl in the real world in my day to day life were making me wanna kms everyday #like ik it sounds extreme/dramatic but ??? i mean i dont even fully understand my reaction tbh. #i think its just mcr used to be my happy place n then i get to see them live and its just an absolute nightmare #and the fact that i was dissociated from their concert when they used to be the only thing to keep me grounded to this earth??? #truly i wish i didnt even go like i cant even listen to their music anymore without wanting to crawl out of my skin #when the only thing that made u feel alive made u feel deader than ever inside....yeahhhhh not fun!! #its a heartsinking feeling i hate it so much i wish i had a doever #mcr #when will mcr return from the war

[astro-inthestars]

.....

Mm.

#rennikorambles #/neg ... sigh #no she didnt reject me #no i didnt mess up #no ididnt even CHICKEN OUT. #i had everything i had my courage i had my words i had my loose plan ready i was ready. #i wasnt gonna chicken out. and the worse that could happen i knew was that she wasnt ready. #i had high hopes. youve seen a glimpse of the hype havent you guys? #but of course. the one . ONE thing that could ruin everything. isnt me. isnt laurel. but the world it-fucking-self. #the auditions were canceled and we didnt know. our teacher told our class prez but he didnt tell us. or the very least laurel #didnt send it in any gcs and everything. and im not even upset about the auditions ofc im not. sure i care about it but #it could all move to a year later and i wouldn't care . or well i would of course but just.. #but the fact that i had all this hope for this one moment for this one CHANCE and it all goes down the fucking drain #her friend (and by extension mine) lets call her Brash Girl which you can expect how she is. was literally just caught up in the whole thing #and of course with her stuck with us i couldnt do anything. #dragged me to 7-11 to mope about our teacher who canceled the auditions and. #.... yeah. no shot. nothing. laurel asked her mom to pick her up. i watch her leave. i leave. the end. #after all that effort. all that dreaming. all that hoping nothing. #i know it's not the end of the world. i know i'll get another chance. but god does it fucking suck. #im exhausted and disappointed and tired and i. i dont know. #i need a breather.

[knifvd]

a little annoyed w real live friends , i'll be working on some drabbles from THIS ask meme & lurking on discord . also a funny lil ask meme HERE .

#bunny speaks ‚ ooc. #neg / #a little fucking annoying that my friends knew i had work all this weekend at least a week before hand because i couldnt get the day off #and they still came in which is fine #but it feels like theyre just using me as an airbnb rn #BAHA #one of them is meeting up with a childhood friend which is fine #i had work from 7a-4p #and they were supposed to go for lunch at 1p #they didnt eat until 3p #and they know i have work at 430 am #i sent them my schedule so they know what i have work at 430 am #and theyre like #“omg come out with us” even though they know i cant ?? #like #“come downtown” “come eat and drinks with us” I CANT #i literally have 2 be in bed at 9 pm in order to not want to k word myself for my shift tmrrw #“we want you to feel included” if u did you'd be more considerate of my schedule and what i can and cannot do #like we couldve hung out before i had 2 sleep but you guys just want 2 stay out #which is fine #but dont expect me to be able to do anything #its just annoying #no consideration + i had a shit ass day at work too ! lmao #anyways

[sleepygaymerdisease]

im trying to respond to people on my post who have questions or are confused but theres just so many 😭 i dont know how to explain the intricacies of classism or how hard it is to get a lawyer to start and WIN a discrimination case. especially since i dont know australian laws. but like... this behavior, denying someone a job for their outfit, is really common across the world. classism is pervasive and it's dangerous and it costs people their lives. we would have to change the capitalist system, change policies across the globe, and work on our internalized classist beliefs for the rest of our lives.

#i think a lot of people are sharing the post in shock and horror. not knowing that this happens to people every day. which is really sad. #like. this is an issue that is literally ignored and swept under the rug. to the point where people dont think about it. even though like. #when you hear about Interview/Business Culture you know you have to dress well. everyone knows that's like step 1. but people havent #actually stopped and asked what the purpose of that is or what that means. people haven't considered what happens if you break that rule. or #why that rule is there at all... emily gwen said that they can't afford new clothing. and couldnt get the words out in the moment. but like. #imagine this from the interviewer's perspective. she saw someone who was 'unprofessional' because of their clothing. and that's fucked up! #WE know the situation because of their post. but they shouldnt need to justify their attire like that to get a damn job. we dont need to #know someones circumstances to treat them like a person. and i want everyone to really think about this. how many times in your life have #you seen someone with worn out clothes. dirty clothes. clothes with holes in them. clothes that are 'too casual' for their setting. and how #have you treated those people? how have you thought about them? and think about this in media. how many people with bad clothes are seen as #irresponsible? or treated like shit? this happens every day. and it's not australia specific or america specific either. it's everywhere. #so please show others compassion. this experience is traumatic and alienating. it's hard to reach out. its embarassing to talk about. #and it's even harder to get legal defense for this stuff. you need money and you need solid proof. oftentimes people have neither. #other things to consider clothing-wise: clothes that dont fit. too big or too small. modified outfits. clothes that dont match the weather #(like wearing a sweater in the summer or thin shirts/shorts in the winter). like. these are things people judge all the time idk. #what happened to emily was horrific. but it's not new and youre not immune to thinking the same way. #anis gaymer moments

[scarletcomet]

I feel so depressed for no reason. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've tried everything.

#i think talking with my psychiatrist put me in a worse mood #i was like on the verge of tears while talking to her #she said that she would have hoped that the new med im on would have started to make a difference by now #she also said that i always present myself the same way when i come into her office. apparently im distant and withdrawn #i try so hard to open up but im just so bad at putting how i feel into words #she said i never report feeling any better. which isnt even true but i also just havent been feeling much improvement lately #i feel like i do acknowledge the improvement i've made #like she has seen me at my lowest. she literally sent me to the hospital in june. then she was my doctor while i was in the hospital too #idk #i think im just like getting burnt out from all this therapy. ive been in higher levels of care (inpatient/residential/php/iop) since may #i just don't want to do anything. even things i have enjoyed in the past or have always wanted to do #im going to spain with my family on tuesday but i so just dont want to go even though ive wanted to go to spain for a long time #this kind of reminds me of when i wasnt looking forward to the taylor swift concert or my 21st bday #and that was because i was so suicidal. i worry that's how im going to feel again #i felt like i couldnt keep getting through each day which i feel now too #but i guess my suicidal thoughts are less constant and intense now even though they are still chronic #i remember that i literally could not focus on anything because my mind would just wander to thoughts about hurting myself #i remember the constant thoughts and urges...

[iheartmyipod]

dont understandhow people are able to get into 50000 things at once.my brain can only think of one single thing for 7-13 months and then i get so sad because it becomes like hot cheetos that you eat every day and its gross and weird now.....(dont eat exclusively hot cheetos for months btw.yu will never know peace in your.organs.) and then and only then does my brain decide to latch onto something else and the cycle continues...what will be my next victim...

#the last process was sonic > original characters who were largely made so i could stop messing up sonic in my head. it worked btw #dont know if i used the words process or largely correctly.<failing high school english #and with ocs its like am i ever going to escape this. there are infinite possibilities how will i ever get bored. they are my everythings #anyway this post is about how badly i want to get into splatoon and my little pony and kingdom hearts and a billion other things... bleh #i love mlp but lately i have such a hard time finishing shows for some reason #when i got into sonic i spent literally all my free time watching 7+ hour long videos of gameplay cus i couldnt play the games #myself . and now i cant even sit still long enough to watch 10 minute videos i think i need stim toys or something #the only times i really sit still and watch something is when i am snacking .... but even then sometimes i cant because my chewing is too lo #ud to hear wats going on LOL #the stars need to align perfectly for me to do anything ever at all. the only thing i like spending hours on is figuring out ipod stuff #IPOD STUFF IS SO FUN THO CUS IT REQUIRES ME TO GO ALL OVER THE PLACE TO UNDERSTAND WAT TO DO. I LOVE IPOD #other then that i spend my days playing solitaire and listening to emo music... sigh. I NEED FRIENDS. #hi tumblr btw hiiiiiiii

[muirneach]

i guess what i really hate about the duolingo update is that if i want to study a particular topic, like future tense or whatever, i can’t do that. the new units are literally just the entire course in one single thing and it’s a different selection every time. which is good because you get a more complete experience with the language (instead of having One unit on One grammatical structure and then moving right along) but like i said. sometimes i like to go back and review a specific topic i can’t do that

#i can click anywhere on this stupid path thing and it will be an amalgamation of like bare basics and highly advanced #i can click on the same thing multiple times and it will be entirely different every time #so i cant even get a linear idea of how its laid out. it seems like it’s literally just whatever #which again good because obviously when youre speaking a language with people its all gonna be different stuff #but still. couldnt they have made like both. i still need to go back and review a lot of courses and now i cant #its like it’s trying to be an effective substitute for a conversation but they cant #youre not RESPONDING to anything youre just translating words/sentences so its better as a learning resource not an interactive one yknow #which is why it makes more sense to have the old defined units #<- also I Know they have premade conversation thingies etc but!! those are not available in many or even most programs #like when i did french on here all the features were lovely #every prompt had audio and there was stories and podcasts and conversations and more #but girl. i main irish. there is rarely even a prompt with audio we do NOT have the conversation feature #duolingo #not to talk about this Again but i didnt actually say what i wanted to in my other post i just said i disliked it but not why i do #also seeing as i have a 700+ day streak. you can understand why this is kind of a large part of my life at this point. #im invested in all the details of this site

[icewindandboringhorror]

utilizing all of my willpower in a daunting battle against The Fixations just to get basic household tasks done, i am very brave 

#currently in a 'pace around my house for 3 hours staright talking to myself making up character scenarios in my head' phase #which is good because often that is literally how I write and get writing ideas like things start as concepts #and are only fleshed out once I spend hours talking to myself in different voices trying out dialogue and noting down the words #and situations that are the most interesting out of my daydream walkabout freakshow improv acting session but #this is BAD actually when I have 800 other things to do #I couldnt even eat dinner I just wanted to go in the other room and walk around talking to myself #which just happens #I think it's part of the natural cycle of my creativity or what the hell ever like I just.. get Like That #once every few months I become obsessively fixated on wanting to spend all of my time talking to myself like.. idk #maybe just as a way of processing ideas and stuff that have been floating around in my head for a while or somehting #then after a week or so of constantly having to fight the urge to spend all day talking to myself it's like my brain has gotten it out of #its system and I can function again #but for those few days lol #yesterday I made free time to sit and watch a show that I like and I was literally like.. no... I cant even get into the show I dont #care about this.. I would rather pace the living room and act out imaginary people #Which I know some people daydream about exisitng media characters or like their ships or something like this explicitly is not that #it's like... not even anyone in specific. original characters but not even my pre-established cast of exisitng characters #from the various things I'm writing. I just mean I literally walk around having random interactions #Like I'm playing DnD and I'm the DM and also all of the players hiknjk #but also I'm up walking around acting everything out physically and speaking so its maybe more like LARPing #but everything is just random on the spot. like just testing things out. what if I were these 5 random people off the top of my head #in this random scenario off the top of my head. is that anything? huh? then I debate with myself if it is or not #also one of those aituations where having someone spying on you would be more funny than creepy like.. * throws a punch* *also falls on the #ground because I am both the puncher and the person getting punched* *quickly rises and dashes across the room bevause I'm also a third pers #on who's just a witness* * eating a piece of toast while frantically emoting towards a blank spot on the wall #* etc. and so on and so on gybjh #also sadly yes I have super aphantasia I cannot see shit in my head this is probably why I have to physically act out all imagined #scenarios instead of just visualizing them. rip to people who can silently zone out lost in their imaginations but I'm different (WORSE) #ANYWAY I have a ton of projects right now like a game being finished and the giant worldbuilding videos and costumes and all of this stuff #bad timing to get sucked into the vortex of one of my many evil wizard afflictions that manifests once every few months

[scuopsie]

Yep, I agree, as long as we empower this type of fan it will only get worse... we should be able and free to have opinions and criticism and share them.

I recommend Kaia's videos a lot, I enjoy them a lot, also because they are more relaxed! Among their favorite groups are dreamcatcher, mx, and today they uploaded the reaction to onlyoneof's undergrOund idOl series. Hope you like them if you watch smth <3

Oh I get the first impression on Lktv, he actually studies Japanese and Korean, he reacts to a lot of content in both languages, not just music.

Is the long-haired vocal coach perhaps Austin? I don't remember for sure if he is, but he has long hair and I remember watching a few videos of him and liking them.

When they take endless long breaks for a 3 minute video... 🙄 feel you. I don't know "retired dancer reacts" 😮 so idk really 🤔 i think yours is a valid question tho 😆

Right??? Thank u! Even on here (which is as remote and niche as it gets even for kpop stans) i wish there were more people talking abt this stuff on main, u kno? Sometimes i feel like im the only one! Like where’s the fun of consuming content if ur not gonna talk abt after??? Kdkdkdk maybe thats just me idk

I’ll definitely be checking out more of their stuff for sure!! And as for Lktv, okay that makes sense kekdkdkd

Yeah i think his name was austin! I know he cut his hair eventually but yeah kendkdk

#yea just get outa here…. making a 30 min reaction vid but ur killing time 20 mins of it😒 #per N’s recommendation (@ happytodie) i checked out BL reaction by ‘the report card’ and the whole thing was 6 mins ans it was SO REAL #I literally couldnt believe it! one of them was like thats my least favorite monsta x title track #they kept ot short respectful and honest #but the most surprising part was the comment section! #idk if its twt guidelines removing rude comments or something but EVERYONE was respectful as hell??? #i didnt see a single rude comment and i ended up commenting myself #not a rude comment ofc🤣 the wording was weird kdkfkdkdk #anyway kekdkekd #i hope to see more honest reactions. it was very refreshing #ask #lazywriterinthedark

[sharkface-daydreams]

i’m dead serious though i don’t respect anyone that falls into anti/proshipping discourse or uses the labels for themselves. at this point people have watered down and warped these terms so they basically mean nothing and anything you could possibly want to pin on another person to make their lives miserable/gain yourself internet clout.

nuance and grey areas are important. nothing in this world is pure black and white. and if you think it is, you’re part of the problem.

#i thought it was an autism thing for the longest time that i just couldnt grok what the FUCk people meant by either of those #turns out i was getting conflicting definitions from LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYONE #so i'm done playing the game. use your fucking words or get off my porch