#like. im pretty sure its just the depression .

[realbeefman]

stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!

wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end

#yeah im too sleepy to revise this. UNFILTERED posting wooahh #some may b shocked but i do actually read thru most of my posts several times to make sure i didnt accidentally write mein kampfe 2 #recently ive come to the realization that i am in fact not an incredibly chill person #and that the constant paranoia and fear in which i live my life is actually PROBABLY a symptom of severe anxiety #like damn. ive always known that im pretty prone to depression but ive preetty much always been aware of that #my mom is a chronic depressive so i know the symptoms i know the signs i have a pretty good arsenal of healthy coping mechanisms #UNFORTUNATELY mommy's mental health problems did not help her not abuse me as a child #so i ended up being a terribly anxious kid who was constantly being screamed at and told i was overreacting (because i was. because i had #a severe anxiety problem that was making me react irrationally.) to everything all the time #which is you know. it is VERY difficult to deal with a mental health problem when you arent aware you have a problem! #its incredible how much. better. my life has gotten since i figured this out and started actively trying to work out what triggers it #and being able to like. realize 'oookay. there is an Issue here and it needs to be overcome' #instead of just beating on myself constantly for not being able to do things without feeling sick or getting breathing problems! #anyways. trauma dumping in tags is over now! #house md #hilson #greg house #james wilson #stacy warner

[quevadilla]

got angst on the mind today y'all,,,,,

steddie angst below the cut

okokok so someone has probably already written this BUT

what if Eddie never tried to be a hero? never left that trailer in the upside down, never left dustin alone, etc. they both survive (I'm going with vecna was defeated so without someone controlling them they drop dead all at the same time)

but there's a frantic call on the walkie coming from Nancy

Steve is taken down somehow. Weak and still breathing, still has a pulse, but her and Robin need help moving him

Eddie and Dustin make it over as fast as possible

Eddie barely managed to get Steve out from under a near hysterical Robin. Steve is in and out of coherency, it seems like he took another hit to his head.

Eddie just keeps talking in an effort to keep him awake until they can get him to a hospital, to keep from breaking down himself.

"You know, never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I'd have Steve Harrington in my arms like this."

"You dreamin' about me, Munson?" Steve slurs back. He has the ghost of a smile on his face.

The frightened tears Eddie's been successfully keeping at bay so far suddenly threaten to spill. "Yeah, and I'll tell you all about it later, you just gotta stay with us, alright? Promise." His voice is shaking. He can feel Steve start to go further limp against his chest.

Steve hums as his eyes start to flutter closed. "'M gonna hold you to that."

Eddie tries to jostle him back to full consciousness. "Steve? You gotta stay awake, man, okay? Steve, you hear me?" Eddie loons down only to find Steve's face has gone totally slack; he can't tell if he's even breathing.

Goddamnit, Steve. Eddie breaks out running towards the gate that's finally in sight, grateful for the adrenaline still coursing through him. He'll be damned if Steve doesn't make it back, even at his own expense.

#maybe its the seasonak depression hitting but for some reason this won't leave me alone #seasonal*** #if someone wrote this already please please please send it to me #steddie #angst #major character death #maybe maybe not idk if i would rather it be hurt/comfort or hurt/no comfort #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #robin buckley #nancy wheeler #dustin henderson #actually pretty proud of when it gets to dialogue? the rest im not as sure about it's just me rambling #didnt know how to also keeo track kf everyone else so theyre kinda only there in the beginning #i def won't continue this myself but if anyone else wants to please feel free #the like 'you dreamin about me munson' popped into my head while i was doing dishes at work and won't leave me alone

[leofrith]

ooooooh my god i need some fucking joy i need some fucking joy NOW

#literally nothing is bringing me enjoyment right now NOTHINGGGG #(yes i know its the depression. whatever.) #i havent played bg in like three weeks. not even enjoying that anymore either #and i CANT FUCKING WRITE!!!!! #I'm so exhausted all the time I'm so bored I'm so lonely #and yeah I'm reading more lately which is great but I'm hardly enjoying myself I just #im so fucking bored im sick of killing myself to complete job applications just to hear nothing back im so. so tired #whatever!!!!! life sucks and then you die #pretty sure my birth control is gonna kill me anyway so whooo caresssss #idk what this post is about #tbd

[rapidhighway]

is there a term for like a mix of anxiety, laziness, fear and numbness that just keeps you from doing anything? Even the things you want to do feel just too big to even try

#AGHHRHAJHAJSGJQREJEAAAAAAAAAAAAA #im having drop out thoughts but if i leave this school ill literally have nothinggggggg #i don't have anything besides my art #but i just cant do this and i cant do anything else #im pretty sure i don't have depression i'm just #AFGJFSJVC #idk man i just don't want to do any of this #i feel like im burnt out but like... of life #im just so tired its been so long #eh

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol #this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable #im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work #property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me #like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well #and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for #Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too #like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and #down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy #last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just #feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b #put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back #down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then #that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her #i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better #on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out #dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really? #ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious. #i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles #but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol #unrelated

[lycanthian]

explosion.gif

#i am so in love its unreal. never have i ever before felt this wealth of human emotions so concentrated over the past month and a week #genuinely mind boggling how talking to logan more and more and then dating him has literally made me feel likr a new man. #not that im different or that i absolutely need him to function in my day to day life #but its the richness that being in love brought to my life that was unexpected #i had a thing with another online friend like 4 yrs ago and it never felt like much admittedly. i almost gave up dating when he broke it off #bc i thought there was something to online dating that wasnt cutting it and i didnt stand a chance at meeting someone irl #and that entire time i knew logan at least a little bit but we didnt really begin talking often until like #6 months ago maybe? and just the more we talked the more we clicked ajd i liked him so much but i was so afraid that it wouldnt be mutual #and i was so afraid that even if he is in what feels like a pretty open polycule hed never ask me out or anything #and then he did and my world felt like it exploded into a cacophony of colors and sounds and feelings and emotions #like something had been unlocked in me that hadnt been touched in years. my ability to love. #and with that came some of the most upsetting spiraling intense depressive states of my life. but it was okay. it still is okay. #its only been a bit over a month but it feels like so much more than that bc i feel like everything is so much more vivid now #i also think im beginning to take a very particular fondness to someone else in the cule but im so not stating who or expanding upon it #he also makes me really happy but i dont think im ready to take that step yet. even if it would be a dream come true. #i love what i have now and i dont want to complicate it yet. #a extremely loving and charming boyfriend and a couple of other close friends who happen to also be dating him is good. its awesome #i just. i dont know. i dont know how logan would feel abt it. i dont know abt how other guy would feel abt it. #sometimes im not even sure how i would feel abt it #aughghhhhhhhh. yeah. human emotion. love for my boyfriend who is beautiful and loving and charming and funny and talented. ueh #i dont think he reads these rambles. sometimes i hope he does. sometimes i hope he doesnt. i love him so much #i dont want to worry him with my shit constantly but it would also be nice to worry him with it occasionally #logan if you see this i love you more than words could ever describe. im so happy that ur in my life and that you chose me to be in ur own #gamey rambles #💜

[toastsnaffler]

my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/

#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man #i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks #and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig #even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them- #better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them #like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it #hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders #for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee #the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want #me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so! #anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too #its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh #we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its #kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way #im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily #cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction #its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things #for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a #want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them #and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎 #i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay. #.vent

[sorenlionheart]

i have to admit its kinda crazy being involved in fandoms again since the last time ive really been involved in a fandom was during my steven universe days

#soren.txt #aka when i was a teenager and what was happening in my life at the time was really Not Great #so i guess ive spent the past couple of years recollecting myself and everything #its nice that im finally in a stable point with my mental health so that i can actually connect with other people again #among other things #in case you're wondering. the o/wl h/ouse fandom doesn't really count bc i was sticking to the sidelines 90% of the time #with my own little niche in the corner lol #i do appreciate t/oh a ton though even still for getting me back into writing #there was straight up a period in 2021 where i was just writing a ton and not posting any of it bc 1. i wasn't confident in my skills #and 2. i was extremely depressed. like extremely *extremely* depressed so i didn't feel worthy of posting any of it #im actually glad i didnt. i think it was better to just have this little story solely for me and not worry about quality #im pretty sure writing was one of the things that helped me crawl out of my depression rut #so im grateful for it

[paigemathews]

@chloesaunders replied to your post “I’m always intrigued by the fanon unchanged future...”:

elaborate 👀

​Okay, so honestly, the vast majority of what the unchanged future is like? We have no idea. Honestly, all we really know is: magic has been exposed, Wyatt runs the world, and there are probes scanning for witches. (Probably a few more things tbh, but. Eh.) Yet, everyone has basically agreed that:

the resistance is a thing, which is probably the biggest one despite there never being a mention of anything like that.

Chris is either its founder/leader/major player/whatever, despite y’know. Being in his early twenties. (As someone in said early twenties, I cannot imagine being in charge of any kind of rebellion like. are you kidding? I can’t even manage myself, much less a resistance movement.)

honestly that Chris and Bianca have any allies at all, bc we only see them with the whole time travel plot

Wyatt pretty much. blew up the world when he and Chris were like 16/17 and 15/14 respectively. There’s nothing actually indicating if it was earlier, later, or right then but everyone went yep! around Piper’s death is when it all went to hell.

similarly, that Piper was the first of the sisters to die. I mean. Everyone seems to consecutively agree that Piper’s death was the catalyst for everything going to shit, lmao.

look, every single fic about the unchanged future that i’ve read has Wyatt go by Lord Wyatt, which. Not inherently opposed to, but like. There is never an indication of that!! We totally made that up!! Hell, if he’s going by the royal title, King Wyatt?? Bestie has Excalibur and the (technically not confirmed in canon but c’mon, it’s canon) King Arthur past life, why is it Lord and not King?

Wyatt knew that Bianca had betrayed him when she joined the resistance/really any kind of knowledge about Bianca betraying Wyatt. This isn’t as explicit but like anyone besides Chris knowing Bianca turned? Because canon actually explicitly spells out that Wyatt did not know Bianca betrayed him. 

this has also died off in recent years but. remember when everyone went lmao yeah cole and prue are in the unchanged future, despite that making absolutely no sense? why did so many people just roll with that?

#chloesaunders #abi speaks #charmed #unchanged future #im not dissing any of this either for the record!! #(well except for maybe cole and prue being in the uf bc. why? they're both dead how the hell are they just vibing in the hell future? #i did admittedly plan to include that in a v bad fic when i was like fourteen tho lmao but 23 yr old me is not down) #like everything else is honestly stuff that i also do/write but its funny bc none of this is canon #it makes sense sure but there is also no specific conclusions that led us to all assume these things #like the resistance existing? sure that makes sense but it also makes just as much sense for it to not #there's definitely more but these are the only ones that i actually remember rn #bc while i did read pretty much every completed chris fic on ffn back in like 2016 #i have not actually reread a lot of them in years #bc i am already depressed and reading uf fics make me sad bc everything in the uf is sad #also the fact that i just. read like every completed chris fic on that archive when i was a teenager #i am torn between being impressed and horrified at teenage me which is a continuing trend lmao

[duskythesomething]

my job is literally killing me slowly but hey it's fine its cool

#mrowr.txt #ask to tag #vent #dnt rblg #so tired every fucking day i cant ever get anything done #i feel useless all the time #so depressed and exhausted #i might just start chugging caffiene and downing painkillers again to get by #not that its good or healthy but that it works just enough for a while #and honestly at this point im pretty sure the pills are placebo #they dont even work unless i take several #but the act of taking them makes me feel better. makes me feel like im doing something to myself #cant drink cant smoke cant (shouldnt) cut #i dont have a whole lot of low energy coping mechs anymore #i just want to feel alive again

[snekdood]

The story of what happened to the theif and the cobbler and aladdin is sad, can you imagine someone coming along, looking at your passion project, and instead of leaving it with its rightful owner they go ahead and shit out aladdin as quick as possible and steal ideas from the story and the art style too before the creator even gets a chance to finish his passion project- just a really shitty situation i dont relate to at all.

#not only that! they ront even credit the original guy and try to make it seem like HES the knock off #crazy crazy shit i just dont relate to at all #can you imagine the depression he likely developed that probably slowed down his progression #and made him feel hopeless about everthing or ever getting out there bc ppl like to consume the most generic shit available before trying #somethong new #sheesh. imagine he was abused by the person who stole ideas from him stalling his progress even further because he had to spend time #healing from the abuse- a type of abuse he spent YEARS of his life trying to heal past in his childhood that he has to heal past again as #an adult. in spite of trusting the person who stole the ideas from him because theyre such a convincing liar. #man wouldnt that be fucked up huh #in spite of that person pretending to be someone who is woke to abuse of that form and Totally Wouldnt Do Anything Like That Or Draw #Their Characters They Id With Saying 'rape is fun' #and then they still do the abuse anyways because its easier for them to get away with underneath all the masks of fake progressiveness #man. youd almost think at that point that type of abuse was intentional because they knew it would stall the og creator! #they mustve been really close and wanted to know all about his weaknesses to use them against him to try to progress further before him #sure the situation im alluding to isnt an exact one to one of this one but. nonetheless. still pretty fuckin similar

[inmirova]

yall my ex is so lucky we're not together now that I'm off my meds for like. not even the reason that makes sense.

#oooooh i have no appetite now that I'm not on multiple meds with weight gain as a side effect #surely that aspect of my being is evil of me #pretty sure my unmedicated bipolar disorder would just be like fun for him bc im not always depressed anymore #not to be like crazy or whatever but the fact that while i was taking meds and working on my relationship w food they were like. bitter? #like demonized me both having problems with food and seeking help for them #&viewed my being on medication as exceptionally privileged which like. i wish i was on them again i get it but also getting that 'privilege' #required 1) my own fucking money i got from having a job something they didnt get until we broke up and i was like #im not paying off our apartment alone so either you or your parents owe me money every month #and 2) getting hospitalized after an attempt #because i had the privilege of being on twice the max dose of an antidepressant that didnt help me #like. ugh yes it was a privilege and one that i miss having but it also sucked getting there it wasnt like #idk the way they framed it was always like i was offered the fucking luck of the draw on it or whatever #like sorry? remember when i was on so much lexapro i went into a dissociative fugue and started dating you lol fuck off #because i actually genuinely dont remember like 6 or 7 months because of that shit! #i actually ended up hospitalized from it and all i remember hearing about it was that you were sad bc you felt you werent enough to stop it #like it had fucking anything to do with you #like wish them all the best but damn. actually they sucked very very badly. i hope they figure it out one day but probably not #ik theyre on antidepressants now so yknow. im sure theyll forget being medicated means theyre privileged now #becomes normal once its them or some shit

[todayisafridaynight]

I may just be delirious but I kind of feel like there's something there about some of the most traumatic events in Arakawa's life arguably stemming from/being made worse by being loved too much.

Like, Toshio's death, right. The death of a parent is always always going to be traumatic, particularly when your other parent is abusive, but I feel like being there, being the first to the scene, made it so much worse. Especially when it should've been a good memory.

Non-zero chance I'm just projecting because I was there for my own father's death and I was around Arakawa's age at the time, but it's like... it did have very specific life-long effects, didn't it... the way he keeps coming back to Peking duck and talks about it like he's had it before when he can't even bring himself to eat it unless he's with family (and indeed, never did, up until right before he died)...

And then there's his former patriarch. Of course, he seemed to see Arakawa as more of an object--fully under his control and something to be thrown away at the first sign of autonomy. But I feel like, before then, Arakawa must've been his "favorite," if he was willing to arrange a marriage between his daughter and Arakawa. Which I expect is what made his reaction when Arakawa told him he was (technically) having an affair with Akane and wanted out of the family that extreme in going as far as to send men after Akane and Ichiban.

The last one I can immediately think of is not exactly traumatic for him, though it is traumatic For Me so I'm counting it, but it's of course what we were talking about with Jo hesitating so much at the thought of killing Arakawa that he passed up the chance to save him.

I Dunno I Am Delirious but... there's a pattern somewhere in there... Anyway. Uh. "Happy" Father's Day am I right

happy fathers day :]]]]

#snap chats #I HAVE NOTES DOWN HERE AS ALWAYS I PROMISE JUST. no better way to cap off a post with a smile :) #plus yk. i dont have any major notes to add thats not restating but i do enjoy Restating so in the tags we go #also ngl im a lil tired so if im gonna look right silly cause my brains functioning like a bowl of cereal ill do it down here as per usual #totally waited to answer this when its technically fathers day my time and i didnt just stare at a wall #listen if someone has a proejcting problem its me alright. its ok if someone else has a turn at it esp when its within fair grounds 🥴 #in any case Yeah.. everyone loves patterns ones a coincidence two's a pattern three should incite murderous intent #i definitely wouldnt call it delirious thinking Thats My Job right LMAO #in all seriousness the importance of at least one positive adult figure in a trouble child's life cannot be understated #im pretty sure i talked bout that already so i wont give the whole lecture again LMAO #in any case its not unreasonable to want to assert love being a theme with arakawa- if not a detriment in some way #it was arakawas intense love for akane that inadvertently fractures their family to be #it was arakawas love for masato that didnt allow him to be harder on him when he should have been and caused both their eventual downfalls #and of course- as mentioned- while not a result of arakawa's own feelings #it was ultimately jo's. //vague hand gesturing// towards arakawa that stopped him from killing him outright #yet jo's love for masato that didnt allow him to lie and go directly behind his back #so yeah love just. works against arakawa unfortunately. an especially sad thing for a troubled child #because as a troubled child that's all you ever really want isnt it- to love and to be loved without worry #so its a cruel irony in that despite arakawa's childhood and general growing-up it didnt stop him from trying to love his family #it makes me wanna throw up (depressed) #in any case i have to stay up a little longer so i can steal water for later SO im gonna be up to uhhhh idk :) Stare At My Wall

[orb0]

i don't want to be someone who thinks they are the only one who watches media correctly but i just heard a pitch for Succession on the TV and...oh boy, People watch it to find out what happens to the company as if its a grand mystery?? to find out who wins?

isn't the point is no one fucking wins. that being in a position like that with so much power and money and expectation destroys everything in your life and so many other people's. isn't the loss of all moral perspective like the main theme.

i don't know about anyone else but i watch to wallow the miseries the ultra wealthy inflict on themselves and the world.

#succession #and cousin greg babooshka fancam #its a type c fun as i have said before #i really feel like if you are not a leftist it is antithetical to you understanding the show #idk im not caught up that take on it just set me off #it is a well written and acted show do i recommend it? if you like to be depressed and angry at the wealthy sure #yes it's not real but its pretty representative of a lot of very real issues

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#focus who? i dont kno her #its so bad. i csnt focus at all. and ive got way too much to do. take me back to last week where i spent hours reading papers #annoying. also possibly lack of sleep cstching up with me #do u ever get very little sleep and not miss it at all? yea bitch all the time. then i get depressed and its sleepy time #and by sleepy time i mean i get like 8hrs of sleep lol #maybe ill just do nothing and completely fuck over my sunday lol #maybe i should go run up thr mountain rn before im stuck in a car for 2 hrs #bc im getting spikes of being insane. unfortunately i have no emotional object permanence so when i feel crazy its like #ive always felt like this ans its terrible forever. and then immediately afterward im like lol wot? nah im fine. ive always been fine #shout out to mood swings ✌️ like bro im trying to get materials together so i can teach a class. can u shut the fuck up? and focus? #well see how i do today with a ton of socializing. itll b fine. im normal i can b normal #or i can b endearing quirky. or whatever i usually i am. i dont think i have conversations like a normal person but i cant tell bc im not #there for conversations im not in. whatever everyone else has conversations in a way thats boring. i just wanna grill ppl til i understand #how they work. and then feel like im gonna die if im in a group conversation 🙃 let me study thr ppl around me #bc im very normal. god. i promise irl im not that weird. ppl think im nice and cool and successful #ok maybe not cool. but i think i can get away with being interesting. i got at least a lil charisma. im only a bit horribly awkward ;-] #but i try to own it. wtf was i saying. jesus. i cant with my brain rn. i shoulf have gone for a run this morning #being social just makes me anxious so im babbling i guess. but itll b fun. and itll b pretty im sure #maybe ill try to draw my ocs while im not paying attention. ive neglected them for so long 😭 #unrelated

[corvidcall]

uh oh i did it again! (longingly looked at course requirements for interesting degrees from the university near me even though i cant imagine ill ever be able to afford to go back to school for a bachelors degree)

#anime life #even if i did go back to school #i would probably try to get a degree in something that would get me a job #(probably accounting or actuarial science) #(im pretty good at math and i love spreadsheets) #but like. what i love is history and literature #and religious studies. and foreign languages #but i cant imagine i would be able to find any work in any of those fields #and i dont think id be good at teaching #and im not good at articulating myself or coming up with ideas for. Anything. #so i dont think id be cut out for academia or TESL #whenever i get really depressed about it im like. fuck it im becoming a nun #(im not. i dont think theyd appreciate the fact that ive got Genders and im mostly an atheist) #(who just really likes the aesthetics and trappings of Catholicism as well as its tie to my irish heritage) #what a world we live in. i cant afford to quit my job that doesnt pay me that well #and i cant afford to go back to school to get the thing that would maybe get me a better paying job #and even if i could i cant even be sure that i wont just end up at this exact same job i have right now #fuck. remember when i had dreams. remember when i had ambitions #remember pre pandemic when i had a career i was proud of #what a fucking joke #anyway #sorry about this post! its bad. #and kind of pathetic #ill complain about other weirder things in a minute im sure #OH for people who dont know the corv lore: i have an associates degree in sign language interpreting #but i cant do it anymore bc of the way things spiraled at the beginning of the pandemic #and also i fucking hated being self employed