#like max why are you acting like me around my crush pretending they don’t exist

[ryesingerrose]

Max and Charles have never been normal about each other and it’s so funny to see

#charles leclerc #max verstappen #lestappen #like max why are you acting like me around my crush pretending they don’t exist #also mentioning charles and the incident at every given opportunity

[spaceskam]

Pretty Little Picture (1/3)

fake dating au, pure fluff, no serious tags, just a bunch of fluff

for day 1 of @malex-cupid​

ao3

When Alex agreed to this, he thought it’d be a piece of cake.

“You’re going to regret this, it’s a horrible idea,” Liz said through the phone as he walked around his room, packing his bag for the weekend. He furrowed his eyebrows.

“Why? We’re friends. And I’ve done musicals and stuff, I’ve acted before.”

“Okay, but this isn’t acting. This is going on a weekend getaway pretending to date your friend who you have a crush on is a bad idea,” she scoffed. Alex shook his head, looking between his plain black button-up and his plain black fitted turtleneck. He chose the turtleneck one and folded it carefully.

“I don’t have a crush on him.”

“Really?”

“Really. Trust me, I’ve seen him after pulling an all-nighter and falling asleep in his coffee. I know not to have a crush on him,” Alex said. Though he will admit, that was pretty cute.

“Sounds like something someone with a crush would say,” Liz scolded. Alex snorted a laugh. “Fine, do what you want, at least you’ll be believable with the heart-eyes and everything.”

“I do not have heart-eyes!”

Truly, Alex was sure it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. He lived with Michael already. They shared the house he inherited‒Michael needed a cheap place to live while in college and Alex wasn’t really looking forward to living alone, so it worked out‒and nothing weird had happened in the last three years. They were best friends, what would one weekend hurt?

“Alex, I need your help,” Michael had said, bursting into the living room and nearly making Alex spill his coffee. He stomped towards him, dropping his bag on the ground and flopping onto the couch with a pathetic whine. “Help me.”

“Help you with what?” Alex had asked in return, taking his eyes off his laptop to give him his full attention while he threw a little tantrum.

Michael twisted onto his stomach and rested his chin on his hands, looking up at him. Alex’s heart absolutely did not skip a beat in adoration. He wasn’t that cute.

“You know my internship? The fancy one with all the rich people that pay me to be an intern for them and actually listen to my ideas and‒”

“Yes, Michael, I know about your internship,” Alex laughed. Michael pouted just a little bit.

“Okay, so every year, the CEO takes all the interns and entrance-level employees and their partners on a trip for Valentine’s day and it’s a fun trip, I guess, but it’s really just this big, super informal interview where he and his wife sort of see if you’ll be a good fit for the company long term. Khalil said I have to go no matter what, that it’s super crucial and to make a good impression. Like, I have to go, Alex. I have to get hired for real after I graduate. Do you know how much I’ll get paid just to start? $35 an hour, Alex! I could do so much with that money!” Michael explained, exasperated and overwhelming as if Alex hadn’t heard how much money he would make if he got this job a billion times.

“Yeah, okay, then go,” Alex told him, “Sweet talk them like we all know you can.”

“I need a partner, though,” Michael said, pouting all over again, “So come with me. Please? We can pretend to be, like, long term boyfriends and, like, convince them I’d be a good queer diversity hire at the very least.”

Alex felt his cheeks grow warm at the suggestion and shifted in his spot. “Why me?”

“Because! You were raised around a bunch of bougie rich white people, you know how to act at these things! I’d ask Isobel or Max, but I don’t even wanna pretend to be in love with them. With you, I can do the whole starry-eyed thing and if we have to show PDA, it won’t be that big of a deal because, like, it’s you,” Michael persuaded, clambering onto his hands and knees before putting his head on Alex’s arm and pouting up at him, “Pretty please? I’ll buy you something nice and fancy with my first big kid paycheck.”

“Okay,” Alex agreed, not letting himself think too much about it. They spent all their time together anyway. He’d fallen asleep with Michael’s feet in his lap, he’d seen him basically naked, he’d hugged him and gotten platonic head kisses from him. They could pull it off.

“Okay?” Michael repeated, sitting up more. His smile was shining and bold and Alex had to take a breath. “Okay! Okay, so we have two weeks to pack and come up with stories and shit to tell. It’ll be so easy, they’re gonna love you, you’re so chill. Thank you, Alex, thank you so much.”

Which led to now when Alex was preparing to go on this trip. From the way Michael explained, it would be a lot of just talking and discussing with a side of couples retreat-esque activities.

“He’s apparently superfamily and relationship-oriented. I don’t know if it’s because he’s, like, super conservative or if he’s super progressive and is all for, like, living wages for family and will give people ample time off. I’m too scared to ask just yet,” Michael had explained.

Michael had also assured him that, during discussions, he could either sit with him or go talk to the other partners, whichever he preferred. He basically just needed Alex to look pretty and seem like they were totally in love. According to the way Liz spoke about them, it wouldn’t be a difficult feat.

So Alex packed his clothes and anything he thought he’d need to get by on a three day trip to some bed and breakfast in the middle of nowhere. He wanted to look nice the whole time, even when they weren’t at formal dinners, and he was even going to flip his septum piercing. He planned to use his skills at selling himself to sell Michael as well.

“If you ever need a break, I’ll cover for you while you drive to the nearest convenience store to get a bunch of snacks,” Michael told him as he threw their bags in the backseat of Alex’s little car. Alex snorted a laugh.

“What about if you need a break?”

“Well, I plan to work for this fucker for at least the next thirty years, so my only break will be sleeping,” Michael said. Alex shook his head, going over to fix the collar of Michael’s shirt. It’d taken a bit of convincing to get him to forgo the flannels for a couple of days, but now he had a collared shirt that wouldn’t stay down for some reason. “Speaking of, are you gonna be chill sharing a bed or do I need to sleep on the floor? I don’t mind it, just wanna know if I should ask for an extra blanket.”

“Dude, we’ve shared a bed before,” Alex laughed, “It’s not gonna kill me.”

“Just making sure,” Michael said, taking a deep breath. It was only then that Alex realized that he was actually nervous.

“Hey,” Alex said, grabbing his shoulders and looking him in the eyes, “You’re going to impress the hell out of them, I’m gonna make sure of it, okay?”

“I just really want this job, Alex,” Michael said. Alex smiled.

“And you’re going to get it,” he said, “And, hey, if you don’t, this internship will always look good on your future resume.”

“Let’s just stick to telling me I’m gonna get it, okay?” Michael breathed. Alex laughed and nodded, patting him on the shoulder before shoved him gently in the direction of the passenger seat.

“You’re going to get it. Now get in the car.”

The whole ride there Alex was completely fine. This was going to be a piece of cake and he was going to show Liz that he could totally handle it. He didn’t have a crush, he wasn’t going to catch even more feelings, he was just being a good friend.

It didn’t really dawn on Alex just how stressful this weekend was going to be until they stepped inside the bed and breakfast and Michael looped an arm around his waist and tugged him in close. He knew they were going to be showing casual PDA, Alex agreed to that, but saying it and doing it in private was a whole different world to having Michael hanging onto him in front of other people.

Alex could hear his heart in his ears over the ringing, suddenly very aware of the fact that Michael was muscular. He knew he did a lot of manual labor jobs before he got that internship, but had he always been obvious about it?

Even then, Alex was able to smile through it as Michael led him up to the group of people that were already there. He was able to keep his feet under him as Michael leaned up to his ear to whisper a ‘you got this’. Alex was even stable as he shook the hand of the man whose suit was probably more than Alex’s inheritance.

“This is Alex,” Michael said, smiling over at him like he was the most important thing that ever existed, “My boyfriend.”

Well, shit.

Maybe Liz was onto something.

-

No, honestly‒Alex was fine.

Michael was charming, he knew that. He’d seen him with girls and guys he liked, he always laid on the charm thick and so it absolutely made sense for him to turn it on Alex. He just wasn’t used to it, that’s all. He just needed to adjust and then it’d be all roses.

“Alex, have I mentioned today that you’re my favorite?” Michael hummed as they went into their little room. Alex finally felt like he could breathe and tilted his head at him, raising an eyebrow. Michael was grinning with his back pressed against the door. “You’re incredible. They like you. Ivan laughed at your joke‒he never laughs.”

“Well, I’m glad you picked the right suitor,” Alex laughed, rolling his shoulders as he sat down on the bed. His back was facing Michael, finally, and he used it to close his eyes and count to three.

Michael was charming, simple. And, honestly, Alex was on the receiving end of it the more he thought about it. Just not in front of people. That’s what made it feel like so much. The audience. He’d never been so loudly out in front of that many people before. That’s what it was.

“The best,” Michael insisted. 

The bed creaked under his weight as he crawled across it and Alex was only able to prepare himself for the weight to be draped over his back because he was used to Michael being clingy. Just… in private. 

“Hey, you okay?” Michael asked after he was quiet for a second too long.

“Yeah,” Alex breathed, “I’m fine. Just never proudly stated I was into guys in front of that many people before.”

“Oh,” Michael said, pressing against his back just a little more, “Good feeling or bad feeling?”

Alex didn’t answer quickly enough.

“Alex, if you want to go home, then‒”

“No, this is good. I feel good. Just overwhelmed,” he explained. It wasn’t a lie.

“Okay, fair enough,” Michael said, kissing his temple before throwing himself backwards onto the bed, “I swear, it feels better after the overwhelming feeling goes away. None of them are gonna say shit to you either.”

Alex nodded and laid back on the bed beside him, looking over at him. They had to get ready for one of their informal discussions and dinner, but it sounded like a good idea to just lay there for a moment. The longer they laid there, the more he was able to realize this wasn’t going to be too bad. In fact, he was going to have fun with it.

In an actual relationship, he wouldn’t want to show a lot of PDA or be super touchy. But this wasn’t an actual relationship. He could just be a little extreme for the fun of it. He was going to school to perform. Why not try his hand at acting?

Bonus points if Michael got flustered.

“Okay, I’m good,” Alex said. Michael turned his head and they locked eyes, a smile on his face.

“Good,” Michael said, shifting onto his side, “But if you start feeling overwhelmed again, you can just squeeze my hand. We’re boyfriends for the weekend, so it doesn’t matter if they think it’s gay.”

Alex huffed a laugh, turning onto his side as well. 

“Do they actually know you’re bisexual or is this like your coming out and you’re just letting them think what they want?” Alex wondered, “I saw a couple of shocked faces.”

“Some people know, mainly the people I talk to every day, but I don’t try to hide it. I think most of them thought I was straight until Callie was showing Emily some picture of a hot guy and I said I wanted to see,” Michael said, grinning in that way that told Alex he’d done it purposefully to get a shock out of some people.

“Oh yeah, how’d that go?”

“No one really said much, the girls laughed. Khalil breathed like a sigh of relief because they thought they were the only queer person working there,” Michael said, scooting closer, “I think there’s probably a couple more somewhere are the office. It’s a big place, there’s gotta be.”

“Mm, but we’re gonna be basically the only same-sex couple this weekend, right? I didn’t see anyone else while we were down there,” Alex pointed out. Michael nodded.

“Yeah, sorry. But only for a couple of days! It’s already Friday afternoon and we’re leaving Sunday afternoon, it’ll be fine. Plus, you got me,” Michael said, reaching out to poke Alex in the side, “I’ll make it worthwhile.”

Alex found himself smiling just a little.

“Yeah, I know you will.”

They both eventually got up and got dressed. Alex broke out the turtleneck and some relatively tight black slacks, drawing on fresh eyeliner. He pulled as much of his hair back as he could into a small low ponytail and deliberately made his bangs and everything hanging down a little intentionally messy.

This was a performance and he was going to sell it easily.

When he came out of their bathroom and into the main room, he saw Michael was in a pair of chinos and a maroon button-up that he was sure Isobel had gotten for him. He was just fastening his belt when Alex made a show of leaning against the doorframe as he whistled low.

“Well, well, well, don’t you look good,” Alex said. Michael looked up at him with a shit-eating grin, hands fumbling as he tried to tuck the end of the belt into his belt loops. 

“I bet I smell better, Isobel got me fancy cologne,” he said. Alex huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, I can smell it, it’s nice,” he said, pushing off the door frame and walking closer, “You wearing real shoes, or am I going to have to publicly break up with you for wearing cowboy boots?”

Michael rolled his eyes and reached out to grab Alex by the waistband of his pants, tugging him in. Alex’s eyes went wide as he laughed at the forwardness.

“I’m wearing shoes, the fancy ones that are pointed at the end and click when you walk,” Michael said. Alex grinned and put the back of his hand to his forehead.

“I’m swooning.”

“You should.”

Michael let him go and went to go slip on his shoes while Alex went to his combat boots‒much more situation-appropriate than cowboy boots and he would stick by that. They gave each other another once over of approval before leaving their room. 

“Those boots make your ass look great,” Michael said as they headed towards the elevator. Alex’s eyebrows shot up and he looked over his shoulder. Michael flashed an innocent smile. “What? You’re my boyfriend, I can look at your ass, right?”

“If I can look at yours, boyfriend.”

“I’m begging,” Michael said warmly as they stepped into the elevator. Alex shook his head and pressed the ground floor.

Because, of course, this was what it would be like to be with Michael. Flirting, banter, touching. No wonder he had so many people wanting to be with him. Hell, Alex got a decent taste of it and they didn’t even like each other like that. Though, it definitely helped him understand where all of Liz’s concerns came from.

“You really are feeling better, right? Like, don’t let me do anything you’re not comfortable with. I’ll try not to, but, you know, slap me if I do,” Michael insisted before the elevator doors could open, sincerity dripping from his tone.

Alex held out his hand as the doors opened.

“I’m fine.”

Alex was able to make that statement even more true as they started socializing and he managed to snag a flute of champagne. It tasted expensive, just like the shit he and Kyle would sneak at their parents’ parties. It was easier to loosen up when pretending that’s what this was.

“Michael, Alex!” Curtis called as he neared, a big smile on his face and a gorgeous woman on his arm.

Curtis was the CEO of Disionic, a company that specialized in doing work for other companies’ prototypes. Companies of all sorts would use Disionic to outsource their new and fancy inventions for all sorts of different things, from engine-powered toys to ad blocking apps to literal blenders, as a way to test run them and get credible feedback from engineers and usually would employ them to fix any mistakes that were made. Michael loved it, it was a constant stream of new things and it made big money. 

The fact that he made a point to know all the interns' names was simply a plus.

“You two look like the perfect pair,” he said, looking between the two of them with a warm smile. Alex raised his eyebrows at Michael and offered a smile.

“Thank you, Mr. Iverson,” Michael said, nodding to the woman on his arm, “Mrs. Iverson.”

“Call me Jeannie,” Mrs. Iverson said, holding out a hand. Michael shook it firmly and Alex did the same. “So, I’ve heard about Michael, the agricultural and mechanical double major from Berkeley, but I haven’t heard about you. What do you do, Alex?”

Alex felt Michael take a deep breath, a silent ‘oh God, am I good enough that he told his wife about me?’ and he tightened his hold around his waist. Alex gave his award-winning polite smile that did wonders when he took etiquette classes back when his father thought dressing him up in a suit around other boys in suits to learn about how to act right would make him less likely to be a raging homosexual.

“I actually go to SFSU for right now,” Alex said, “Music major.”

“Oh!” she said, and Alex had already predicted her words before she said them because it’s what people always said, “That’s cute!”

“Mm,” Alex hummed, taking another sip of his champagne, “My major is piano education, but I also take vocal classes as more of a minor.”

“Oh, good, you’ll be able to do a lot with that. And it’s not that far from Michael’s school,” she said. He nodded, looking towards Michael.

“Yeah, we live somewhere in the middle,” he said.

“That’s good that he’s with someone who’s also focused, it’s a good environment to be in for a boy his age with his promise,” Curtis insisted. Michael went a little weak in his grasp and Alex didn’t have to be a genius to know it had everything to do with a grown man caring about his promise. 

“I think so too.”

After moving on from Curtis, Michael was able to regain his legs and his brain and Alex didn’t have to carry too much of the weight‒literally and figuratively. They sat and had dinner, all paid for by the company, and then got back to socializing. It was honestly a bit draining, but Alex kept reminding himself it was just for the weekend and it was for Michael and also that most of the people there were winging it just as much as Michael.

“So, how did you two get together? I know Michael said you were roommates before things got started, so that must’ve been a risky move,” Alisha‒Michael’s coworker’s wife of two months who wouldn’t let either of them forget how sad it was that they couldn’t make it to the wedding as if they’d known either of them long enough to be invited in the first place‒asked. She was kind and all, but she asked a lot of questions. Alex was waiting for her to ask something that was too invasive to even justify a polite answer.

Honestly, some of them already felt too invasive, but Alex knew that was probably him just being touchy.

“Oh, I just got up the courage to ask him out one day and hoped it wouldn’t be weird. I mean, look at his face. It was impossible not to catch feelings,” Michael said. Alex rolled his eyes and leaned into his side, playing it up to the best of his ability. It helped that the champagne he’d been sipping on had made him a little more comfortable.

“Stop it.”

“I’m serious! I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted a chance to look at the stars with you and know you were mine,” Michael cooed, pressing his nose into Alex’s cheek and nuzzling just a little. Alex’s ears were ringing a bit as he turned his head to look at him up close. They locked eyes for a moment too long before Michael cleared his throat and looked back to Alisha. “So, yeah, couldn’t pass up the opportunity.”

“How cute, I wish straight men were that romantic,” she cooed, just tone-deaf enough to level Alex’s thoughts, “Have you talked about marriage? I’d love to come to the wedding, it’d be so fun.”

“Not really, yet,” Alex said, pinching Michael’s hip just enough to make him jump, “But I figure one day I’ll get him on one knee.”

“What, you won’t propose to me?” Michael said, trying to put but failing through his smile. Alex cupped his ear in his hand, running his thumb gently along the curve of it. If Michael’s eyes drifted to his lips, well, Alex pretended he didn’t notice.

“Maybe I just like seeing you on your knees,” Alex said. Michael’s eyes widened.

“Oh, dear, I feel like I’m intruding,” Alisha giggled and Alex blinked out of it.

“Sorry,” he said, “Just teasing.”

“I totally get it! Me and my Tom get like that all the time.” 

“Speaking of your Tom,” Tom said, sidling up beside her and looping his arm around her waist. She smiled up at him. “Emily wanted to see your ring.”

“Oh! Okay, see you later, guys! I had fun talking to you,” Alisha said, waving as she let herself be tugged off to wherever Emily and her boyfriend were.

Alex let out a breath of relief and raised his glass to his lips. Mid-sip, Michael leaned in close to his ear, lips nearly pressed against his skin. Alex focused on his drink.

“You’re gonna do something stupid like make me fall in love with you,” he breathed, leaving a kiss on his cheek before he pulled back.

“Ah, a tragic mistake many men have made,” Alex said playfully. Michael beamed at him.

“Seriously, you’re amazing, Alex. I’m so glad I brought you. You even managed to make Alisha bearable,” Michael said. Alex laughed and looked over to where Alisha was proudly showing off her ring.

“She’s not that bad.”

“You haven’t met her as many times as I have,” Michael huffed, “I was terrified when I saw her comin’ this way. She means well, but, you know.”

“The straights just aren’t as romantic, Michael, don’t you know?” he said. Michael laughed and squeezed his hip. “But are you good? You’re starting to look a little drained.”

“I’m gonna start lookin’ for a way out so we can go upstairs. My people tolerance is dropping,” Michael confessed. Alex nodded.

“Well, you’re doing really well. I almost didn’t notice.”

“Hopefully no one else will.”

“No one else knows you like I do, so I’m assuming you’re good.”

Michael tilted his head, that little smirk on his lips as he said, “You know me so well, huh?”

“I do live with you,” Alex pointed out. Michael nodded and his eyes went to the flute of champagne in his hand.

“How many of those have you had?” he asked. Alex shrugged, swirled it around a bit before downing the rest.

“Three, maybe four. Yeah, four, one before dinner, one during, two since,” Alex explained. Michael nodded.

“Feelin’ good?” he asked. Alex hummed and nodded, looking over Michael’s face easily. “I’m not a champagne man.”

“Neither am I, but this shit is too expensive not to drink.”

Michael laughed, “Guess I’ll have to taste it.”

“You will.”

Alex’s eyes drifted to his lips, not for the first time. He started wondering what he actually looked like on his knees. Then he shook that thought right out of his head.

“I’m tired,” Alex said, maybe a bit louder so other people would hear. Michael grinned.

“Okay, let’s make our rounds in saying goodnight.”

They said goodnight to Michael’s coworkers that they passed on their way to say goodnight specifically to Curtis and Jeannie. It was an absurd amount of small talk, very ‘oh, yeah, we were up early, Alex had class’ and ‘it’s a long day, want to be fresh in the morning!’ and ‘you know how it is, can’t wait to get this one alone, haha!’ It was all tragically boring and as he got closer to when he’d be free of it, Alex began to itch to get back to their room.

By the time they said goodnight to Curtis and his wife, they were basically speed walking to the elevator. Once the doors closed, Michael tugged Alex into a hug, burying his face into his neck and Alex giggled, feeling light as he draped his arms around his neck. Michael lifted him off the ground for a moment, until the doors slid open.

They made it back to their room and Alex didn’t have a moment to process anything before the door closed and Michael was closing in on him. He grabbed his face in between his hands, staring at him with the biggest smile. Alex was probably a little too drunk for this.

“You are so fucking good at this, I could kiss you. The flirting, the touching, the lines? Alex! You’re a genius, a pure genius. I knew they’d like you, but they like like you. You are so good, Alex Manes,” he gushed, peppering kisses to his forehead and his nose and his cheeks. By the time he pulled away, Alex’s face was on fire and he was smiling so wide it hurt.

“I’m just selling it,” Alex said.

“And you are doing a damn good job. I should date you more often,” Michael said. Alex nodded lamely and Michael laughed, grabbing his hand and pulling it to his mouth. He pressed a kiss to the back of it. “I am going to go take a shower, boyfriend. You start trying to sleep off that champagne, okay?”

“Okay.”

Michael dropped his hand and turned, stepping out of his shoes on the way to the bathroom. Alex let out a breathy laugh and sat on the edge of the bed. He slowly pulled his hair down and pulled off his boots, taking a deep breath. He licked his lips and turned his head to the bathroom door, head swimming with too many thoughts as the water kicked on.

Alex changed out of his shirt and his pants into sweats and a t-shirt, climbing into bed without much thought. He tried not to think, at least. He closed his eyes and tried to lull himself to sleep.

But, when the bathroom door opened, he couldn’t help himself.

Alex peeked over the edge of the blanket and watched as Michael, dripping wet with just a towel around his waist, searched for his clothes with nothing but the bathroom light to guide him. He was gorgeous and overwhelmingly… Michael. Alex couldn’t remember the last time he wanted something so bad as he wanted to touch Michael at that moment.

At the thought, he pulled the blanket over his head, his eyes going wide.

Oh.

Oh no.

#malexcupid21 #malex #malex fic #michael guerin #alex manes #roswell new mexico #my fic #i meant to post this earlier but I just got home whoops #verse: pretty little picture

[buttmuncher91]

a lot of advanceshippers love to say such bs about Drew even to this day. Drew is not my favorite character & it’s fine to prefer advanceshipping over contestshipping and I kinda like advanceshipping , but some of the things they say are ridiculous! This is not bashing on all advanceshippers or advanceshipping in general, this is just some quotes (not exact) I’ve seen that I’ve had problems with.

”Drew is a jerk! Ash would treat her right!“

Both would treat her just fine! Drew watches out for her & tells her when Harley is tricking her, saved her friends & brother when she was busy, saves her friends, cheers her up when she’s down, & they both calmly talk to each other when alone.

Besides, there are some things to point Ash being a jerk to her too! Ash yelled at her because he was butthurt he had no boat to get his next gym badge & skips out on watching some of her contest when May even watches him battle regular trainers.

And it’s not like May is an innocent angel herself. She yelled at Ash & Drew for no reason, had her torchic attack Ash, & forced Ash to agree to let her travel with him by bringing up her bike.

I know May & Ash have developed a lot sense than, but so has Drew & y’all are just stuck viewing him how he reacted at the beginning.

”May hates Drew & loves ash!“

She doesnt hate Drew. At the very worst, she sees him as a friend & has seen him that way by “Who, What, When, Where, Wynut.” Like I said we seen them talk a lot when they run into each other & heck, she even ditched the group, including Ash as he was talking to her, to talk to Drew when she saw Drew. So tell me again how she loves Ash way more than Drew lol!

And in ”Spontaneous Combustion“ May blushes at Drew after he waved and walked off. May never blushed around Ash, even when some weird couple accused her of being Ash’s lover. And there was nothing in that scene that indicates her getting red met something else. She wasn’t sick, doesn’t look mad, didn’t do anything embarrassing, etc... so it looks as if she really likes Drew.

”Drew is a flirts with any girl & would cheat on May, but Ash would never cheat on her!”

You people have nothing to back this up. Drew had fangirls gushing all over him? May being Norman‘s daughter and probably because she’s referred to as hoenn princess, has a lot of fanboys! In fact, Ash is more likely to cheat on May then Drew dispite him being oblivious, as Drew showed 0 interest in his fangirls & ran from them. If he was such a flirt, he wouldn’t run from fan girls, but would try & you know, FLIRT with them. Drew also showed 0 interest for other girls, & only teases May. You advanceshipper fanbrats (not saying all advanceshippers are fanbrats just the advanceshippers who think this) only pretend he is to make up reasons for May to reject Drew.

”He only likes May for her rack, & wouldn’t care for her if it was flat!“

Talk about reaching. Drew only stares at her FACE! He never stared at them, & the anime gave her chest 0 focus. He isn’t just some creeper. Despite not being interested in her, he treated Breanna nicely & she was flat. He may just have puppy love/a crush on her, but saying he’s just trying to win her because of her rack is complete bs!

”Think about it, Drew & May would make ugly babies!”

Based on what? Cuz Drew has green hair? As someone whose least favorite color is green (okay, okay dark/forest green is pretty), I think this is a stupid claim. Even with a weird hair color, there’s a chance the child could be cute, & really beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Hair color is NOT even close to a huge factor to what separates not ugly to ugly. And they don’t have to make babies if they do get together. They can just choose to adopt to help out those who need a home or just happily be with each other with no children at all.

”Drew is in less episodes with May than Ash, so advanceshipping is better & will be canon!”

🤦‍♀️Misty has the most screen time with ash. By this cruddy ”logic,” Misty & ash (so far) are canon. Yes, misty has much more screen time with ash than May. Misty had all of Kanto, Orange Islands, AND Jhoto with ash... as well as a cameo with ash in Hoenn, and TWO separate cameos in Alola. And at this point, May could have spent more time with Drew. It’s been 4 regions that Ash hasn’t even thought of 1 of her Pokémon after all this time. I’m no pokeshipper, but let’s be real here.

And most of the time Ash & May are on screen, it’s them focusing on their goals/Pokémon. They cheer & encourage each other too, but it’s mostly friendship stuff. Could something happen later on between them to spark love? Sure. But nothing in the anime ever pointed to that. And you can literally say that with Ash and... ANYONE! Like Ash could grow up, met back up with Roxie & they could fall for each other.

When Drew appears on screen, you mostly see hard evidence for contestshipping, weather on Drew’s side, May’s side, or both. Yes, there’s evidence on BOTH sides that they like each other. At best, advanceshipping looks one-sided on May’s side. And even then, it mostly looked that way in the beginning of AG. There’s way more evidence that May likes Drew & vice vesa than with ash & May, even with “less contestshipping hints!“ A lot of hints for shippings are overblown. Not just advanceshipping hints, but poke/pearl/negai(actually never mind, negai is under looked & over hated)/amour/etc... are over blown & it’s just ash being his usual nice/childish self. With Drew, it’s obvious he likes her as how he constantly stares at her, teases her, gives her red roses (& says they’re for beutifly), etc... While I think I covered how May likes Drew enough already. And yes, this could just be a kiddy crush for the both of them, but in the end there’s still harder evidence that Drew & May like each other.

Plus there are a lot of canon fictIonal couples who had less screen time with each other than other characters. Naruhina, ichihime, Hinny, gochi, etc...

“Drew never saves May’s life, unlike Ash!”

So? May never even tried to saved Ash, like she did with Drew!

Ash has also saved: Angie (who has a more confirmed crush on ash), Dawn, Pikachu (3x I can think of), Chinchar, Lillie (or at least attempts to help a lot of times), Celiebi, Erika’s Gloom, Serena, Misty’s sisters Pokémon, a ton of CotDs & their Pokémon...

And what of those who saved Ash? Misty, Sabrina’s... family photographer, Gary, Iris, Clemont’s father, Zeroara dude, a ton of officer jennys, Pikachu, a lapras, Paul, Drew (ya keep on hating him if it werent for him Ash Brock and Max would probably be dead in that crate Jessie, James & Meowth trapped them in so not even advanceshipping could happen).

“Rivals can’t be dating!”

Where did you get this bs? Even in the pokeani IN THE AG SERIES this has been proven false. Watch Pasificlog Jam again. Who put you in charge of how couples should work anyways? If a writer wants to have rivals hookup in their story, than they have that freedom to have the rivals hookup regardless how upset you get over it.

“Ash & May kissed in a banned episode, so advanceshipping is canon not contestshipping!”

Come on guys, they’re 10. The anime creators aren’t gonna have two 10 yr olds kiss on the lips. Its really creepy some person came up with this. No, it’s not creepy cuz I don’t like advaceshipping (I actually like some aspects of it). Again, it’s creepy because they’re 10. If they were like 13+ yrs old, it‘d be okay, but NOT 10. Plus, even Japan is very sensitive when having kissing on the lips happen with kid shows. Even with adults, they censor it/show something else as the kiss happens & just imply it happened. Expecally how they view kissing on the lips in the first place, they ain’t having 2 ten year olds kiss.

And there would be NOTHING to imply that they where going to kiss. Around this time this episode that they kissed claimed to happen (episode 357), Ash & co. where heading to fortree. Nothing ever was implied from the both of them even want to kiss each other. They just where supportive friends of each other with no hinting there where secret feelings or developing feelings from ether of them. Theres also nothing beyond that episode that implied the kiss happened. Because if it did actually happen, I’m sure something like that would impact the next few episodes, but nope no mention of any kiss nor do ash & May act any differently around each other in 358 and beyond. So even if it did happen, it was going to more than likely sink the ship, like it was some akaward thing they did because they were “under the mistletoe“ & afterwards just agreed to be friends & forget about it. The pokemon anime was always about friendship, adventure, and Pokemon themselves, never romance.

Also episode 357 is “Take This House and Shuppet!” not “A Kiss Under the Mistletoe!“ The Japanese episode is the same as the English barring names & episode number.

Were do you get such a sorce for this info? “my friend’s japanese friend who talked to the director of the AG anime & saw it!” or some other ridiculous unreliable garbage like that? Give me actual sources with interviews from the writers talking about this supposed banned episode. Bet you can’t, unless it’s fake & unreliable. If it existed, it would have floated up by someone from Japan. After All, even if for 20 mins that episode should’ve existed if it was just banned. Like “Electric Soldier Porygon” was banned completely & only aired one time in Japan. However, there are places that you can watch the episode despite it being completely banned due to putting a lot of children in the hospital from seizures. That was older than the supposed advanceshipping kiss episode as ’Electric Soldier Porygon’ is a Original Series episode in Kanto the 38th episode. No one can find this supposed advanceshipping episode nor is it even listed in the banned episode list. It should be harder to find this older banned episode than it should be to find this supposed banned kiss episode.

“Why should May choose Drew over Ash? Ash is like a literal god!”

What? Yes, he’s befriended every legendary & come back though poketears, save the world so many times, has arua abilities (he rarely uses), & whatever else, but it’s not like he seems that BA or whatever. Ash not aging seems over focused on, when in reality NO ONE is aging. It took him 7 regions to win 1 league (a questionable one at that), can’t remember Pokémon he seen before & sometimes forgets what he learned, & needs saved by others sometimes. Some god, can’t even rescue himself. Besides, who knows what Drew has done on his adventures. Drew has also saved Ash, Brock, & Max from trouble, isn’t Drew awesome saving someone ”like a god!”? Drew also has beat him in a battle as well, is that y’all’s problem?

And where is Ash’s voice in all this? It’s like this in all this anti-Drew bs. “Drew is just this terrible creature who possesses all 7 deadly sins & is the creation of Giratina & thus May hates & so does everyone else! However... blessed by Arceus himself, we all just know not dense Ash Ketchem is waiting to sweep May off her feet & save her from the demonic spawn that is Drew who is lusting after her bewbs😡” (<-original ideas, do not steal jkjk). Like there’s NOTHING to indicate ash wants her. And do you think this of May as well? Like do y‘all think May is just this perfect, sweetest, most divine woman in the pokeani that only Ash “blessed by Arceus“ is the only guy that should be blessed by such an angel? 🤣

Look, I like Ash & I like May. But even with my favorite characters I wouldn’t go as far as to think so highly of them that it makes Helga’s obsession with Arnold look like nothing. And just because Ash is more amazing with more feets & whatever, doesn’t mean May has to love ash or that Ash has to choose may because Drew doesn’t measure up to him.🤷‍♀️ Just think about it, should Timmy’s mom go with Dinkleburg? After all, he is smarter than Timmy’s dad, has more money & is more successful than he is. And Wandesemo is more popular, not stupid, & mostly competent unlike Casmo. Should Wanda dump Casmo for him? Of course i understand wanting the best person to end with you’re favorite character. But that’s not how love works & in the long run isn’t fair to both Ash & May (& Drew, but I know you haters don’t care about that).

#pokeani #Advanceshippers #contestshipping #Drew #Shuu #May #Haruka #Pokémon #Ash #Satoshi

[our-kendrick]

Anna Kendrick on life, love, sex toys and COVID-19

©: Janet R. Nepales

Read here, or below.

Talk about the relationships of mothers and daughters which is sometimes more difficult than the relationship between daughters and fathers.

The relationship between Darby and her mother, we don't know a lot about it until a little later in the show. And I love it so much. It has such an impact on who Darby is, and you really see that once you get to know her mother. And we get to know her mother even more as the show goes on.

There's an episode where we really get into Darby's relationship with her mother. And I was so surprised and happy. You know, happy might be the wrong word, but I was so amazed at how many women on the set, on the crew came up to me and they were like, this is my mother, this is my relationship with my mother.

Darby has a difficult relationship with her mother so it made me sad, but I definitely felt that made me really proud of the show that we were making, and that it resonated with so many people. And it also made me call my mother and say how grateful I am for what a wonderful mom she is.

There's a scene where Darby breaks down crying, and her mother doesn't know how to comfort her. And this happened a lot throughout the show; that it brought up a lot of personal stuff for me, but not necessarily to do with the content of the show.

That was one example where I have a close relationship with my mother and she's so empathetic but just having the experience of breaking down crying and having somebody just go like, what is your problem? That's something that reminded me of relationships that I was in when I was much younger. And just how painful that experience is and how grateful I am that there are things that I don't accept any more from people.

I expect empathy from people if we're going to have a relationship. It made me grateful that my mother modeled that empathy for me. Because if you don't have an empathetic home life, it's hard for you to know that you deserve empathy. The relationship between mothers and daughters is so complicated and so fraught sometimes. This show made me grateful for the way that my mother really modeled what empathy was for me.

What are the red flags for a woman on deciding relationships?

I remember somebody telling me when I was maybe, 14 or 15, I remember them saying it was a really specific example. And yet I have thought about it in almost any relationship I've ever like entered into or if I'm on a first date or something. Somebody told me when I was 14, if you're ever in a car with a guy, and he's driving, and as a joke, he lets go the wheel and makes you grab the wheel, because he's goofing around or something like that is not a guy that you want to be with. He might think, hey, I'm just joking. Why are you being so sensitive? We're just having fun. I wouldn't have let the car crash. But really, he's testing your boundaries. He's testing like what you're gonna put up with. And he's trying to make you uncomfortable. And it was such a weird, specific example. But I feel like I've had moments in my life where I'm like, oh, this is the guy letting go of the wheel to see what I'll do.

This is silly, but I dated a guy when I was 19, who tickled me all the time. And I don't like being tickled. I feel very claustrophobic, I panic and I don't like it. And I kept saying, this is a problem for me. Please don't do it. And he kept doing it and I broke up with him.  And he thought I was being crazy because I broke up with him for tickling me.

I was like no, I broke up with you because you didn't respect me. I asked you for something and you did it to make me uncomfortable. I feel little things like that are so specific and you never know the exact situation it's going to be, but I'm really glad that somebody told me that when I was younger because it has come up a lot for me over the years.

Your show is titled “Love Life.” So let’s talk about your love life. Your first crush, best relationship you’ve had, worst breakup?

My first crush was in elementary school, and his name was Robbie. And I told him that I had a crush on him. And he told me that I was too short. So that was very heartbreaking for me. And now I really like being short. I actually love being a petite woman, that's fine with me.

My worst break-up was something that we tried to put in the show in a very, wait, that was like, a lot of stuff in the show is stuff that I mined from my own life, but it's all changed just enough so that I don't get angry phone calls from ex-boyfriends.

So, the worst breakup was something that I really wanted to put in the show. And I felt it was important to talk about the fact that I feel like most women don't make it out of their 20's without dating a guy who's a little scary. And you don't have to be in physical danger to be able to ask your friends for help. I was young and this was a short relationship, but he started to feel scary to me. And I felt like I was being dramatic. I felt like if I told my friends about it, they would say that I was overreacting. And it wasn't until later that I realized that my friends would have been happy to help me. And, luckily, that was a relationship that I got out of after only five or six months.

But in the show, for Darby, that relationship is longer. And so it was important to me to show that things can get uncomfortable and scary in relationships, and threatening. But sometimes when the good times are so good, it's really hard to leave. So yeah, a lot of the best and worst stuff of my relationship history is sort of in the show. Hopefully in a way where I have plausible deniability.

I watched your other TV show “Dummy.” Have you found a new appreciation for sex toys after having done that?

Well, I think during “Dummy,” which is about a sex doll for those who don't know, it did give me a new appreciation for people who are owners of sex dolls. Because it turns out that a sex doll is really heavy-lifting, way heavier than you think it's going to be. So, I feel like there's a level of commitment there to the people who enjoy sex dolls. No judgement here.

So, I tip my cap to those people.  And actually, the director of “Dummy,” who created all the episodes of “Dummy,” her names is Tricia Brock, She also directed the Danny Coupons episode on “Love Life.” The one episode that opens with Darby using a sex toy. So, I was like, Tricia, you just like to have me doing something gross every time we work together.

You have lots of intimate scenes with all your love interests in the show. So talk about your views on doing nudity or intimate scenes.

It's funny that you say that because when we started doing the show, it dawned on me that in every single episode, I was gonna be doing like a kissing scene or a sex scene with someone brand new. Like each episode is a different person. So, that was nerve-wracking, but my personal feelings on nudity have stayed the same, which is that I'm not really interested in nudity for me. But I've never had a problem with simulated sex scenes. To me, that feels like that's about the character whereas I only get one body so nudity just isn't for me.

I was just so totally grateful each new episode that each cast member that we had and we had so many talented guys come on the show to say nothing of the women on the show, who like blow me away so talented. But I was very grateful that every person that Darby dates on the show is like such a class act, such a good actor, such a professional. Because it was definitely weird to know we're going to meet, and then immediately start filming. And within a week, we are going to be in bed pretending to have sex. So I was just very grateful that everybody was the coolest.

Tell us where you are right now and what are you doing for your mental and physical health during this time.

I'm in my house in LA. I'm by myself. I think it comes in waves. I could say I've been exercising every day and cooking and doing everything. I don't know what the experience has been for you, but there's definitely been days where I feel really helpless. I think that's probably something we're all dealing with. Just that feeling that something really terrible is happening and I can't help. I can't do anything and it makes you feel really powerless. You're trapped in your house and I definitely have gone through different cycles of letting that get me down and then just trying to let it happen rather than say a lot of other people have it worse than you, stop feeling sorry for yourself. So, just letting the bad feelings exist and knowing that they'll pass and that we will all get through this together.

I do feel grateful for the sense of community that exists even though we can't be together. Getting on Zoom chats, or Skype, or whatever the platform is and talking to my family, talking to my friends. Twice a week I do family movie nights. So, my parents are in Maine and my brothers in New York, and we pick a movie and we all press play at the same time. We watched that Robert Redford movie “The Natural” and “Princess Bride” and movies like that. We're all texting each other during the movie, which normally would be a no, but under the circumstances is really sweet. So, we're finding creative ways to stay connected.

Love Life’s first three episodes will debut May 27 on HBO Max, and the following seven will stream the Thursdays following.

#Anna Kendrick #Love Life #Projects #HBO Max #Interview #2020

[amoralityplay]

Kiev, 1992

The baroque house in Kiev was very quiet during the day, only interrupted occasionally by footsteps or hushed conversation between the maid and the handyman—Max was one of very few vampires who still kept thralls, of a sort—or sometimes by the jingle of a cat’s collar bell; Max had always rather liked cats, much to the chagrin of his wife…but, they hadn’t lived together, or really even seen each other in more than just passing, in centuries, so he’d have his cats if he wanted to. 

Audrey wasn’t particularly fond of cats, either, but hadn’t said anything about it. After all, her grandfather had been generous enough to let her move into his sprawling home after her finances had taken a disastrous turn; she’d already been living in Kiev, just a few blocks away from his home there, but the forced sale of her apartment had left her with only two options: stay with Max, or limp back to Boston. And Audrey was not going home, not yet. 

[Cut for length]

“You know, Audrey…it’s been nice having someone around the house again,” the older man mused, setting a teacup and saucer down in front of his granddaughter, the china rattling in his unsteady hands. Max had been turned when he was quite a bit older than many vampires—a member of the Roman senate at the time—and looked to be about sixty, though of course he was much, much older than that. He wasn’t a frail man and looked much like a living version of the Roman marble busts one might see in a museum, but the harsh military life he’d led before joining the senate sometimes showed in the tremor of his hands. “I know the circumstances weren’t ideal…but we never got to spend much time together, once you grew up and started moving around so much. I’m glad you’re here.” Audrey forced a small smile as she looked up. “I know, grandfather. I’m glad, too.” The truth was…Audrey wasn’t glad to be there. The life she’d planned on had unraveled over the last couple decades, starting with her arranged marriage, then her mother’s death, and now financial ruin. Audrey loved her grandfather, but this was not the future she’d hoped for. 

Max nodded, sitting across from her at the small table, set into a corner of a parlor room. “You don’t have to lie for my sake,” he said, reaching over to pat one of her hands where she’d flattened it against the table to keep it still. It wasn’t uncommon for vampires to develop the ability  to read another’s thoughts, and most vampires as old as Max were very good at it…meanwhile, vampires as young as Audrey tended to be equally as bad at keeping their thoughts quiet and were easy to eavesdrop on. 

“I know you don’t want to be here, and it doesn’t have anything to do with me. It’s just been nice, regardless. And you don’t seem so melancholy lately. Is it the birds? Do they help?” He lifted his own cup to sip at the contents—blood, warmed until it steamed slightly. Audrey disliked blood much above body temperature and left her own cup to cool down somewhat. 

It might have been true that Audrey was getting out a bit more than she had for years, really, testing the water here and there at various vampire gatherings…though she wasn’t sure her melancholy had been cured. 

“Well…Cyrus ate one of them,” she said with a small sigh, glancing in the direction of the huge white cat, wearing a blue velvet collar with a golden bell, that was lounging on the rug nearby. The birds her grandfather referred to, a trio of canaries exactly like the ones she’d tried to keep as a little girl, had not, in fact, helped her feel much better. If anything, they’d only soured her disposition further, given the first’s untimely demise and the remaining two that refused to sing at night, just like the ones of her childhood; that had not been an experience Audrey had wanted to relive. “They’ll sing plenty for the maid when she opens the curtains during the day…so I told her she should take them home. They’ll be happier with someone who can let them see the sun a little.” 

“Ah, well, don’t be cross with Fedir for sending them, he hadn’t seen you since you were a teenager. It was what he remembered about you.” Fedir, a vampire Max had sired in the early 1700’s, had always taken a bit more interest in Audrey than anyone—especially Audrey—liked and had been, apparently, rather crushed when she was matched to someone else--he’d long lobbied Max to use his sway with Phersipnai to ensure Audrey was matched with him—and was equally elated to hear the wedding was called off and she’d returned to Kiev. He knew how vampire matches worked and that Audrey was still betrothed regardless of what her current feelings towards her fiancee were, but had made a handful of attempts to garner her attentions regardless. Max thought it was harmless and Audrey found it mildly annoying and certainly hadn’t encouraged the efforts…but she hadn’t exactly put an end to it yet, either. 

“I don’t get cross.” Audrey frowned down at her teacup. 

Max chuckled and nodded. “You have a tendency to be cross, my dear…isn’t that what this is all about? Why you’re in Kiev to begin with? You’ve been cross with Rowan for twenty years, don’t pretend you don’t get cross.” 

“Please don’t start with that,” Audrey groaned. 

“Well. It’s the truth. And your grandmother is supposed to call today—any minute, I think—to talk to you about it, so best you hear it from me first.” He shook his head, running a hand over his short cropped, grey hair. “You should head upstairs, take the call in your room.” Phersipnai hadn’t alerted Max that she’d be calling that day, but after nearly two millennia together, they often had a sense for what the other was doing or feeling, even across continents. Audrey didn’t move immediately, looking down at the blood in her cup as it started to congeal. As she had any time she had been away from her grandmother, she’d remained close with her, writing often or, in more recent years, speaking by phone…but since she’d been in Kiev, the calls had gotten tense…and thus Audrey often avoided them. “Go on. You know she won’t let it slide if you won’t answer.” Max stood and nudged Audrey’s shoulder, and the younger vampire stood with a small sigh. As predicted, the phone rang within a couple minutes of Audrey stepping into her room; she sank into the armchair beside the small pedestal table and lifted the receiver. “Hello?” “Audrey, finally. Do you know how many times I’ve called and that silly little mortal maid your grandfather keeps told me you were out? Have you really been out, or are you avoiding me?” Phersipnai’s voice was unmistakable, lilting with a faint Italian accent. 

“I was out, grandmother. I wouldn’t avoid you.” “Oh, don’t lie, you’re terrible at it. When are you going back to the States, Audrey?” “I don’t know. Maybe never.” 

“Stop that. It’s been twenty years and you’re being dramatic, I think that’s plenty long enough to have this little tantrum. You need to go home and sort things out with Rowan. I know he’s written you all those letters and you haven’t even had the decency to write back.” 

Audrey drew in a small, angry breath. “That’s unfair.” “No, Audrey, what’s unfair is I went to the trouble to make sure your life was comfortable and you never wanted for anything, and then made sure to find you a match that could do the same for you and was a decent person, and you turned around and repaid me by running off to your grandfather the moment things got a little unpleasant—“ “A little unpleasant? He humiliated me, grandmother! There were a hundred other vampires sitting in that church, he could have asked to delay things at any time, but he chose then to do it! People still talk about it when I walk into a room at coalition meetings! Not to even mention he was already practically married and you couldn’t even mention that to me!” “You will not shout at me, Audrey Lavinia Alden.” Phersipnai’s tone dropped low with warning. “People still talk about it because you’ve been punishing him for it for two decades. Rowan has been apologetic and there’s no reason you shouldn’t have at least spoken to him. If you had come back after a few months and sorted things out with him they wouldn’t have anything to gossip about. And I didn’t tell you about his partner because it was irrelevant to your arrangement. Do you really think, with as long as we live, vampires only engage in monogamous marriages where they’re romantically in love with their chosen match? You’re naive. Their partnership existed outside of our rules about marriage—call it a loophole, if you want—and thus had no impact on yours or the obligations you have to each other. And you’re lucky enough that Rowan actually does care about you, even given the circumstances and that it isn’t required of him, and you still treat him like you have.” “No impact? You don’t think that would have an impact? Are you insane?” Audrey had never taken such a tone with her grandmother before, but she couldn’t believe she’d have the gall to tell her that her fiancee already being married to another man wouldn’t have any impact on her own marriage to him. “You don’t care about what I want at all! All you care about is getting a great-granddaughter for your precious line to carry on. I’m not anything more to you than a prized cow you want bred.” Phersipnai didn’t say anything for a moment, the line quiet and Audrey nearly wondered if she’d hung up, but then the Elder finally spoke. “You’re right about part of that, but you’re no prize cow, Audrey. You’re an ill-tempered heifer and I can only hope that any child you have has their personality curbed by their father’s influence.” She paused a beat, drawing a slow breath. “Pack your things. I’m coming to get you. I’m not going to tolerate any more of this nonsense. If you want to act like a child, I will treat you like one. You’ve made it clear enough that you can’t take care of yourself and you can’t be trusted to make reasonable decisions. You have 12 hours.”  Audrey’s hand were shaking so hard she nearly lost her grip on the phone receiver. She wasn’t going back. And it didn’t matter to her if Phersipnai was an Elder. She was going to prove that she could live without her grandmother or Rowan or anyone else. “No.” “No?” Phersipnai parroted, incredulous. 

“No.” And with that, Audrey hung up. 12 hours was plenty of time to get a head start on the Elder…and Audrey had always wondered what Tokyo was like. 

#[Drabbles] #[Audrey] #[Maximillian] #[Phersipnai]

[goldenpinof]

so basically here’s a script of “Basically I’m gay” by Daniel Howell, if someone needs it

link to a google doc

Hello Internet.

«Sex! Secrecy! And a whole lot of internal screaming. Starring Daniel Howell. One of the greatest mysteries of our generation. What is Dan’s sexuality?»

Spoiler alert. I’m not straight. Sex, the foundation of life and the only thing we’re really supposed to do. Everyone’s obsessed with it. You bunch of degenerates. In the list of things that identify a person, one of the most important for other people to know is their sexuality. For, if sex is the primal force propelling all of these humans forward by their hips, they have to know. Are we gonna fuck? Or like could we? Or are you, ‘cause I’m just wondering. Now, we live in a heteronormative world, which is a long scary word that makes people feel attacked for some reason. Shh it’s okay.

What it means is people are presumed to be straight. If you’re not, then at some point, you have to “come out”, which is a whole thing. Or people might just try and guess based on something you do or the way you act, because yay stereotypes. So this is something you have to be clear on, because if you’re not, how are all these other people that aren’t you going to cope? But I’m pretty sure no one that knows me thinks I’m straight. So I don’t really need to come out as much as just clarify what the hell is going on. As here I am at age 27 and my sexual preference is seemingly still a vague, debatable, confusing, impenetrable mystery. But why? And what is it? Well, those are some big questions. Are you sure you wanna know my answers?

[YES]

Okay, well, if you say so 'cause this is a complicated and sensitive issue and when it comes to me, boy, there is a lot to unpack here and it is a total clusterfuck. So strap yourselves in and let me tell you a queer little story about a boy named Dan.

Chapter 1 – The Word

♪ When I was a young boy ♪

♪ My father ♪

Didn’t have much time for me because my conception was clearly an accident and he was a narcissistic proud man suddenly inconvenienced in the prime of his life and this emotional neglect gave me lasting problems.

Sorry that’s not all relevant right now.

I was an only child for seven years and with working parents. This meant I had to make my own fun so I was imaginative  and loud which is something that my teachers used to say quite a lot followed by, “However.” Here I am age five. Look at me. Cute, poised, sassy, turning out this photo shoot like sorry, Grandma, I stunted on this set. Are you seeing this? In almost every way, I literally peaked age five. I loved being the center of attention. People said I had an infectious happiness, that my beaming smile brought them hope and joy. People that know me are laughing right now. But a boy, in the '90s being happy and generally polite acting? Sounds kinda GAY if you ask me. Literally, masculinity was so fragile, people were so proud and scared and society so aggressive that a boy smiling!?.. appearing to be empathetic or in any way emoting was seen as a threat. How dare they laugh and feel comfortable? They must be soft and weak and girly and GAY. So basically thanks, Grandma, for raising me to be a nice child, you dick. Just kidding. That’s a joke and I told you not to watch this video because it would be rude so if you send me a disappointed text telling me you’re offended, I don’t know what to tell you. Although, now I think about it, you did make me go to church for 10 years, which in hindsight probably also didn’t help ♪ Hallelujah ♪ the issue here so. But then it was time for little Dan to go to school and this is when it  

♪ All went wrong ♪

'Cause it turns out most children, evil pieces of shit. Doesn’t matter if you try to raise a happy innocent child, throw that kid into school, aka, a literal Mad Max Battle Royale with the feral offspring of your local community. Yeah, that crap’ll be undone in about two weeks. I was six years old running around the playground pretending to be Sonic the Hedgehog or something when two brothers come up to me aged seven and eight with an unexplained aggressive look in their eye. And the younger one pushes me to the ground, kicks me in the stomach, and just says, “GAY.”

This was the first time I ever heard that word. Well, I don’t know what the heck gay means but apparently it means people kick you on the floor so that ain’t good. I didn’t know this child or give them any cause to have an opinion on me. And, actually, I never directly interacted with them again. What epic clustershit of failed parenting and general culture brought this tiny child to get angry and attack someone, then call them gay for looking like they were having fun outside. Are you okay, 1990s? And so my relationship with sexuality began.

I wasn’t looking to define myself as a child indiscriminately playing doctors and nurses with various friends until once somebody’s mum walked into a room to find three fully naked children sat on a bed sticking sellotape to each other’s butts. Yep, which I don’t recommend. Also, Jesus Christ, the poor woman that saw that. Then you get to the magic age around 10 or 11 where everybody suddenly wants to pretend they’re totally a “cool teenager” who’s doing all the drugs and the sex and the fights, totally. Boy, gay was a really popular word back then.

[[Boy] Uh, homework is gay. [Girl] Uh, my mum’s so gay. [Boy] Uh, you touched a girl, gay.]

This one little shit who I won’t name was one of the school bullies and he loved the word gay. He had it in for me and I have no idea why. You know me, Mr. Winnie the Pooh Meets Slender Man. Well, when I was 10 just Winnie the Pooh. I didn’t do nothin’ to no one ever and yet this guy used my pacifism as a punching bag where any group situation was an excuse to single me out call me gay for some reason and then make everyone else exclude me because they were scared of him. I had a girlfriend. We dated for six whole weeks. We kissed in a game of spin the bottle once by literally sucking on each other’s faces. Then she ended dumping me over speakerphone at a birthday party that everyone in my class but me was invited to but, hey. I don’t know what I was doing wrong, but at this age, I understood one thing. Being gay, whatever that meant, was clearly the worst thing you could be. On a Darwinian level, I was being told, okay bitch, “Survival Code”. Don’t be this apparently. Evolution. Plot twist, this bully I think he was a bit gay because once he asked me to have a sleepover at his house and I thought was me finally getting socially accepted only for him in the middle of the night to come up and ask me, “So who’s going to be the boy and the girl?” I was an innocent smol bean who didn’t really understand what he meant because, to be honest, I didn’t actually understand get how babies were made yet. But needless to say I think he was disappointed. Wow, closeted child turns into homophobic bully. Thanks again society. But this whole primary school journey was really just an amuse-bouche for the full six-course tasting menu of suffering that would be secondary school.

I went to an all-boys school. It was a literal hellscape.  I thought it was hard making it through a school of 200 kids with two or three bullies. Try over a thousand where a clean 800 are fully psychopathic gorillas fueled by testosterone, Red Bull, and Eminem albums. Making sure that the word f- no longer means an innocent bundle of sticks or a cigarette anymore in the British lexicon. Nope, now it was a cool homophobic slur along with gay, gaylord, gayboy, puff, pufter, ponce, batty, batty boy, bum-boy, bender. Shit, this is so long. People have a lot of words for something they don’t wanna think about. Look at me in this stupid blazer. Oh, “you’ll grow into it at some point in the next four years”. Thanks, Mum. Day one, kid in form class, some stupid hedgehog-looking motherfucker side eyes me and says, “What you lookin at, puff?” First interaction at a new school. Great! My entire existence on a daily basis then becomes navigating this school like I’m in the bloody “Maze Runner” trying to avoid aggressive pricks with chode ties. And you know being verbally abused for being a nerd or a Greebo at least felt relevant to me at the time. Greebo, definitely one of my faves there and I’m sure that Korn and Slipknot would have been proud to have 12-year-old me as a fan. I kinda knew who I was in the hierarchy at that point. I was essentially a theater kid who spent all of his free time playing Runescape on the AOL browser on his mum’s PC instead of football. I accepted it. But at least I wasn’t actually this “gay thing” people kept throwing around because by now I understood a gay is a boy who fancies other boys. And to be honest I don’t really feel like I’ve ever fancied anyone before.

Then puberty happened.

Oh yeah, this is fun, tingly feelings, I smell bad. It was quite fun dribbling on this girl’s face playing Truth or Dare, maybe later we’ll go behind that bike sheds and, there I was sat in English class, my friend next to me. I watched as he delicately removes a pencil from its case. We briefly make eye contact as he flutters his long black eyelashes with a blink before staring forward. His eyes are so bright and beautiful yet they seem so sad and deep with emotion. I wish I could just understand. Oh fuck, I think I’m a bit gay. You’re telling me this whole time I actually have been the bad thing that people keep calling me? Shit!

Chapter 2 – Feelings

Oh do you hear it that faint hum, something coming from a deep, dark place too powerful to control? It’s the self-hatred. She is here and she’s only getting started. Short version, I fall hopelessly in love with a friend of mine who doesn’t feel the same way which crushes me into a million tiny pieces and years later actually it turns out he was gay the whole time. He just really specifically didn’t like me. [Double kill.] Here I am, 13, crying to evanescence alone in my bedroom feeling like there’s no point in really being alive as I’m clearly a faulty outcast person that has no place in the world. I stopped going to church with my grandma because I felt like I wasn’t really supposed to be there. Also, by this age, the whole Christianity thing didn’t really make much sense to me. And the adult services were dry AF compared to coloring in a picture of Jesus’s face at Sunday school. So other than the free tea and biscuits they gave away after the sermon, religion didn’t really have much to offer me. Damn, there was some good biscuits though. I miss that. But wait! All is not lost yet. Do you see that? A triumphant, rallying cry of guitars, stripey hoodies, and black hair dye. Emo had arrived! I swear to God, emo is one of the best things that happened to pop culture in the last 20 years. As well as inventing eyeliner and skinny jeans, a new word hit the theater, nerd, goth, band, kid corner that would change my world forever.

Bisexual. You can be normal and gay at the same time and some people think it’s cool? Well, slap a long fingerless glove on my arm and sign me up to Myspace 'cause Mum, I’m bi. It was a good term 'cause it was a catchall for anyone who felt sexually confused or curious that didn’t want to commit to something stronger which is very me. Big commitment issues. Thanks, fam. To be clear, regardless of whatever the 2006 teenagers thoughts and feelings were, being bi is valid and should not be excused away or erased by anyone. Thank you.

From this moment, I was a loud and proud raving bi to my close friends and the strangers on the internet who saw my clearly-labeled sexual preference on my Myspace page. And the emo friends I made at this time were awesome. We just used to hang and make out with each other and listen to music and drink bottles of Smirnoff Ice until we were sick on each other with no judgment. The judgment came several years later looking back at the photos that you can’t delete. So I didn’t need to tell my family or people at school anything. But the thing is with a Myspace page, anyone with an internet connection can read it. And so the rumors started spreading through my neighborhood that Dan Howell was in fact a bisexual. I had a friend in French class who one day, totally unprompted, just turned to me and said, “Hmm, yeah, I thought so. You give off a bi-vibe.” A bi-vi-, what the fuck is a bi-vibe? Great, yeah, nothing to make a 15-year-old feel self-conscious about his behavior like being told he emanates a bisexual aura. What am I supposed to do with that? Sorry that I give off mixed signals. I’m versatile. Turns out it was actually a social upgrade from being called gay all the time 'cause bisexual was a new word that only referred to sexuality so people actually had to decide how they felt about the fact I was attracted to boys. As opposed to gay which as we all understand is synonymous with bad and also implies a general threat, plague, curse/evil force that simply must be destroyed. People at school were actually almost nice to me with curiosity about it and a few of the boys that previously loved to just generically call me gay while throwing a compasses at me or something, now started to low-key flirt with me and some stuff happened. Go figure.

But then I entered the dark ages and no I’m not talking about my hair because I was never actually cool enough to commit to dying it black. As quickly as they arrived into my life, my emo friend group vanished into the night. Like the tip of an eyeliner pencil snapping or the HTML on your intricately-crafted MySpace page falling apart when the host websites of your embedded gifs die, so, too, did my social life. One had to suddenly focus on school, another moved town, two of them just fell out with each other and started hanging out with their old friends again. Well, we don’t all have back up friend groups, Lindsey! I went all in on the emos! You’re telling me I have to go back to sitting in my kitchen playing Runescape now! Thanks a lot. So for a year I literally had no friends. And this is when the bullying at school really stepped its pussy up. The things people used to say offhand to me in a corridor were now said loudly in classrooms where everybody would laugh. People used to sing songs about me being gay on the bus while my fellow nerds sat around me just stared awkwardly out of the window not wanting to get involved. People shouted things out during GCSE exams in front of the whole school and the low key pushing became punches. People used to wait for me after school just to throw things at me. Once a guy put his hand around my throat and pushed my head against a coat peg in the locker room while everyone was watching and just slapped me for five minutes. But I never reacted. I never cried or got angry or fought back 'cause then I’d be giving them what they wanted and I refused to play along. But this way of dealing with things definitely had an impact on my relationship with emotion going into life. I became a total outcast. No one wanted to come near me out of fear that they’d get targeted, too. So no one ever stood up for me. And, you know, I don’t blame them. I just resent them even to this day. No, I’m kidding, I don’t really. I do. No, I don’t. I, hmm. Teachers at the time obviously did nothing. In fact, one of them saw this happening to me and laughed 'cause you know, boys will be boys especially the gay ones that get killed by the other ones, am I right? Ah, classic lad banter. And home. See, keeping this on the topic of sexuality and not economic class, violence, addiction, and health issues, let’s just say some shit was goin’ down. I didn’t think I could ask my family for help or share my feelings about this, mainly due to my dad. Funny guy, kind of a woke hippie who did and said a lot of things I did respect but at the same time used to walk around the house saying how he hoped someone he had a problem with at work would *clears throat* “die of bum cancer.” Yep, so picked the one area to be a bigot that would further traumatize your child. Nice! This experience coming from a childhood hearing the word gay meaninglessly thrown around as an insult at home and school, in music, on TV, to then realizing I am actually kinda gay, to then very specifically being attacked for it was traumatic. The world was clearly telling me if I ever wanted to be accepted by anyone or, in my particular environment, survive, I couldn’t be gay. I was afraid of it, literally homophobic of myself. I am talking Pavlov, sunken place, North Korea-level mind alteration that made me terrified of and repulsed by this part of me. This is called internalized oppression. It’s a real thing and it’s some real shit.

Chapter 3 – Internalized Oppression

From this moment I was no longer advertising myself as bi. No, BRB deleting that Myspace real quick, xD lemme get on that Bebo. “My Chemical Romance”? No, I’m listen to what’s this, N-Dubz? Jesus Christ. I go away for the summer break and come back to school quiet and serious and fully straight. *coughs* I needed me some new friends that were a bit higher up the social ladder, you know what I’m sayin’ for security so I go ahead and join “The Inbetweeners”. Literally this group of friends, the exact middle ground between nerds and desperately wanting to be cool. And oh how desperate we were. The great thing about these friends was they knew loads of girls. So firstly, instant cool points. Secondly, if I date a girl *scoffs* super not gay. The problem with that was it’s not like everyone just forgot everything that’s been said about me and this group of friends, casually homophobic pretty much all the time and also they hung out in places near some even more aggressive and super homophobic peeps. Just full-time Runescape would have been a better in hindsight. I find myself going through the same shit at school but now voluntarily going through it at the weekends from the people that are supposed to be my friends thinking I’m doing the right thing whilst constantly telling myself I’m now totally heterosexual. So I did what many people choose to do at that point and I got a girlfriend. But this is pretty messed up because I really liked this girl. In fact, I loved her as a friend and I was genuinely attracted to her but I was so afraid of sexuality I didn’t even wanna do anything straight in case I had some weird gay panic that I was totally frigid and I led her on. And when she got pissed at me, understandably, for being a terrible boyfriend, I just felt even worse. This was someone who I liked that I was hurting and lying to but I couldn’t leave as then I’d have no armor. Beautiful irony here is having a girlfriend didn’t in any way stop the abuse 'cause remember, gay is a great all-purpose general insult. (Call someone gay today and we’ll throw in a free set of steak knives.) And when these neighborhood teens started heavy drinking and getting into drugs, things suddenly got quite scary as people joked about setting fire to a tent as I slept in it at Reading Festival. Or saying, “You know that notoriously unstable guy? Yeah, he said he’s gonna kill you next Saturday.” Awkward.

This was definitely the lowest point in my life. I just felt totally alone, confused and I deeply hated myself. I used to ask God, in case he was there, to please, just make me straight and everyone stop. But I saw no end, no escape, no way to change the world or who I was. So one evening I thought fuck it and I attempted suicide.

I say attempted, because just before it was too late I thought

“oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit what have i done what have i done fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck?”

“what will your grandma think don’t do this to her she tried her best and she loves you”

“your family aren’t total dicks and this will fuck them up can’t you just get over it surely”

“you’re gonna get to the last year of school and give up now really what was the point”

“I heard this is one of the most painful ways to die so not a great choice if I’m being blunt”

Felt kinda bad for a few days otherwise I pretended it never happened and I didn’t tell anyone, until now, literally. Hmm, I know pretty dark right, but hey spoiler things kinda worked out. I mean still gotta lot of issues but here I am. I’m so glad I failed for so many reasons, for the people in my life, for the future I would’ve wasted. The most important being that I thought I was trapped in a situation forever when in reality, the entire world I lived in and my life changed completely. I thought it was hopeless when in reality there was so much to hope for and that’s it. Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we’ve dreamed of. I want anyone that’s ever felt like this to realize you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side. So yeah school age 6 to 18, I’m gonna give that a bad Google review. The thing is I did stand out. I’ve always been a loudmouth, class clown, annoying shit. Since graduating, it turns out half the people I knew were fuckin’ gay. That group of friends I had, all lovely people now. Five of them were gay, five gays! That is statistically irregular. Oh but they flew under the radar. All I’m saying is I wish people just hated me for being annoying and immature. Leave the gays alone!

My light at the end of the tunnel was university. I was gonna get my A levels move to a new town and ghost these bitches. But I took a gap year first to earn some money which was very boring sitting at home and working at ASDA where I was not happy to help. My shift started at 5 a.m. on a Saturday. Signed up for a Twitter account to run my mouth off and then bam. “So my name is [Dan].” My YouTube story begins, a new chapter of my life to redefine. So you know what I do? Get a Formspring because nothing gives you that attention feeling like one of those anonymous question and answer websites that are inherently toxic and no one should use. And straight out of the bat bisexual Dan returns. 'Cause hey, just like Myspace, I’m only telling a few people on the internet right now. It’s not like one day I’m gonna get so many followers that random strangers and my family might see it. Wow, I had a lot fun with many different kinds of people in 2009. Let’s just say I got a lot out of my system. Got a couple of things in my system, too. Sorry.

And this is when, through the magic of the internet, I met Phil. And obviously we were more than friends but it was more than just romantic. This is someone that genuinely liked me. I trusted them. And for the first time since I was a tiny child, I actually felt safe. And the relationship we formed at that point was something that I needed in my life. We are real best friends, companions through life, like actual soulmates, not that souls are a real thing that exist. It’s so lucky to just find someone you can be that compatible with and especially to anyone that has experienced the kind of self-hatred that I have dealt with, one person accepting you can make all the difference. And I bet so many people wanna know so much more about that which, honestly, I take as a compliment. But here’s the thing. I’m somebody that wants to keep the details of my personal life private. So is Phil. I know lots of people these days, thanks to social media, want to share and monetize every aspect of their life and then as soon as something changes suddenly it’s this huge drama because everybody got invested in the story of your life like it’s a soap opera. I don’t want that. I wanna do certain things without an audience. I wanna be spontaneous. I don’t wanna feel afraid to take risks. I want to enjoy totally fucking something up and not have to post a statement about it. And if anyone thinks people really have to share these things about their life, you need to rethink your position. And look, I understand that sex is a fun and interesting thing to talk about. I get it. I am also a disgusting pervert. But the specific minutiae of who I be fuckin’, when, why, where, how long, how, uhh, I mean? Sexuality is a general fact that it can be very useful to know about a person for several reasons, but we can’t force people to disclose that either. We don’t know this person’s life story, what they’ve been through, if they haven’t told people, if they’ll lose their job, if they’re in danger. There are so many reasons someone might not be open about it. We can preach the message that being out is good, but aggressively speculating or trying to out someone is really bad. They might not be gay, in which case we’re just harassing someone and probably stereotyping. And if they are there’s gonna be a reason why they haven’t talked about it. So I don’t wanna see any responses to me finally talking about this like no one is surprised. “Dan we been knew.” Wow, you huge galaxy brain genius. What’s it like walking around with all those brain cells in there working overtime? What, you got like three in there? Don’t lose your balance, mastermind. I haven’t exactly been subtle have I? I’m an awkward, sexually ambiguous nerd. “What the fuck even is your sexuality?” That’s not the point. I’m already dead inside so it doesn’t matter here, but to me if someone’s reaction to a person coming out is just, “yeah, I knew”, they’re showing no empathy towards the issue or that person. They’re just making it about themselves like it was a fun piece of gossip they already knew. All we have to do is listen and be accepting.

So anyway back to the tale. Whilst things were looking up for Dan aged 18, things quickly got messy again. Wow, that beats the emo streak of temporary self-acceptance by like six months, nice. There was a point around 2011 where the relationship with my audience shifted from what felt like direct communication between me and individuals that just saw me as a comedy creator to communities of people that formed to talk about me when I wasn’t there. Which is fine, but for some people it was about getting generally invested in me and my real life which I thought was a bit strange 'cause inevitably like anyone who puts themself out there, some people started to really dig into my private life to find out information about me that I wasn’t ready to share. And this was around the same time that YouTubers finally started to get mainstream recognition in the British press. We had the BBC knocking at our door trying to offer Dan and Phil a radio show. From that, Dan and Phil became this entertainment duo that we could have a creative career with. And we love working together, so when all these opportunities came for Dan and Phil, we were really excited but I was also scared as people clearly knew I wasn’t straight and I hadn’t told my family that. None of my old friends knew about this, and what me and Phil had was ours and personal and yet some people were trying to get access to it for their own satisfaction. It was no longer a few people on the internet, no big deal. So I just shut down. It felt like I was back at school again, surrounded by threatening people trying to expose me for their entertainment. Most I’m sure just wanted what was best for me and I feel such genuine sadness and am sorry that I couldn’t be closer to and more truthful with the people in my life that were just trying to be nice but I wasn’t ready to deal with it at this time so I had to do something to contain it. I definitely sent some mixed messages. Some were just joking around, others were super defensive that in my panic came across like “I’m now telling everyone I’m totally straight” when all I really meant was “please fuck off and don’t invade my privacy, you creepy stalkers, thank you”. But this experience seriously triggered some PTSD in me and I was back in the dark place. I didn’t want to just disappear from the internet to escape it and throw away this creative hobby that actually started paying rent. Thanks. So I just decided to put anything to do with my sexuality in a box to come back to later as I was still processing my past and I wanted to understand my identity on my own terms and timeline and not just have it hijacked as fuel for people’s sexual fantasies or some headline in an article. And whilst we’re not exactly living in a utopia yet here on YouTube, the general internet culture only five or six years ago was a much less wholesome, progressive place as this little bubble is now. Sure, a lot of people probably would have been supportive, but there was just as much open bigotry and general toxicity 'cause people felt less accountable and it was okay to say certain things 'cause it’s just on the internet and I couldn’t handle that at the time. And, generally, I can handle a lot. I have big hands with a very wide reach for playing piano, you fucking.. get your mind out of the gutter. We can’t ask people to just put their lives on hold to address their sexuality first. If a kid dreams of being a footballer and age 18 gets signed to a club and all their dreams come true but they’re scared to come out because of the insane homophobia in that community, they shouldn’t turn it down. Yes, it’s so important to be truthful about who you are and open and proud in front of the world but it’s our society’s fault that these people are scared to say who they are. So let’s all focus on making it a welcoming place and people will come out when they are ready. So when was I ready? Well, it’s always been on my mind that I need to talk about this at some point. I couldn’t just keep going forward in my life ignoring it, not only just so I can be authentic, which is very important for general existing, but also just letting people know what kind of sexual attention I want from the world. All of it from everyone. God I’m so thirsty. And if anything motivated me, it’s the idea that I can help someone else 'cause that’s basically my whole career, isn’t it, admitting to shit that I’ve been through so you will feel better about yourselves. There we go, you’re welcome. I have a platform and a following of millions of people, many of whom I know have been through exactly what I have. And if I tell my story as painful and flip floppy and flawed as it is, I know it will mean something to someone as every time someone speaks openly about sexuality, it saves lives. I’d never met a single out gay person until I was 18. And if I had, or even just seen better representation in the media, I wouldn’t have felt so totally alone. I wouldn’t even be saying this to you now if it wasn’t for TV shows, musicians, and public figures in the last couple years reinforcing this to me. It doesn’t matter if I was living the life privately as there was still so much confusion about my feelings and fear. But things are better now, on the internet, on TV, in my real life. It’s not perfect but it feels safe enough in this space right now for me to feel confident. So thank you, sincerely, to all the brave people that came before me and to any of you that made this world seem welcoming for me. And instead of procrastinating from this by focusing on work, which was a way for me to insure my own independence and survival in case I was rejected, or just doing things for other people to take my mind off it instead of asserting my own needs, which my therapist keeps telling me is one of my biggest problems. Here I am with a fresh void of time in front of me to fuck up however I want. Now look, we all have different experiences in life. Some of us are lucky, some of us not. It just so happened that the first 18 years of my life were horrendously shit. It failed me. But we get dealt cards from the start, too. If you look at my life, I was born into this world as an able-bodied, white, cis-man in Britain which immediately gives me so much privilege in this current world and I am fully aware of how much harder making it to today could have been for me, which is why we all need to stand up for equality and social justice even if it doesn’t apply to us. No one stood up for me when it mattered the most and that almost cost me everything. So if you see a woman being harassed, a gay being threatened, someone muttering something racist, say something, do something because if you’re still or silent, the victim will just think that you are against them, too. We all have a responsibility.

This tale was just some of the stuff relating to sexuality. We all have a whole sob story if we wanna tell it but I just wanted to explain the journey of how I got to this point and overcame the obstacles that tried to block this path. And now I’ve arrived.

Chapter 4 – Labels

Okay cool story, bro, it’s answer time. What’s your answer. Whaddayalikedafuk? Here’s the thing, you want me to talk candidly about sexuality as if it’s something that I understand? I don’t know what it is, why it is. Turns out no one knows. I’ve been sitting here for years waiting for scientists to just work it out like bleep bloop. [Oh this is why and exactly how it’s different for people. There we go.] Thinking I shouldn’t run off my mouth on the internet in case my theories and opinions on varying gayness get debunked next week. Well, I waited long enough and it didn’t happen. Science, ya fucked up, you let me down. And I fully expect to have to delete this video in two weeks when you find out all the answers suddenly. Thanks a bunch. What makes someone gay or straight or all the things in between? What the ever loving fuck is gender about? This is a mess. Yet people want you to give them a word because that’s how humans communicate with words that have meanings. Which is why our disgusting species is impatient, stupid, and obsessed with labels. And this applies to everything, sexuality, gender, political identity, what obscure genre of synthwave you listen to. People just want a label that represents something they understand so they already know how to feel about you and don’t have to bother thinking. [Oh you’re a feminist well I don’t need to know anything more. Oh you’re a leftist. Oh you’re a K-pop fan but but but but.] If people just want to find a way to disagree with you or dislike you, they can refer to the label and turn off their brains. Hey, what does my label say? Huh. The issue is, especially when we start talking about the writhing mass of confusion and suffering that is sexual and gender identity, the limits of language and specific terminology become a big problem. What does being gay mean? You never thought about a boob once? What does being a man mean? You wanna be an emotionless rock rubbing raw steaks against your biceps? It’s not like humanity is all in agreement right now. I don’t like the stereotypes and drama that come with all this terminology so I’m just not gonna use it. Thing is gender identity isn’t my issue. I feel comfortable with the identity that I’ve had my whole life. Dan, a tol boy from England. But being a man means nothing to me. I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable wearing makeup or a sickening pair of heels, though I can’t even draw in a straight line so that would be a disaster. Also is anyone really comfortable wearing heels? Hmm. Icons of masculinity aren’t really a big part of my life. Might as well call me a fucking formless blob that sounds more relatable. Shout out to all my formless blobs out there, rise up. I don’t have to do anything or be anything and I personally wouldn’t feel offended if I wasn’t referred to as a he. Well, she’s feeling hungry today. Stop fucking judging me, Susan. I’m sad and I’m gonna eat this whole damn cake whether you like it or not. But anyone that has this don’t really care attitude about their gender identity is in a way privileged 'cause some people, especially trans, care a lot about their gender identity and using the correct pronouns which other people should respect. Likewise with sexuality, whilst to me the endlessly increasing list of tribes and flags being flown is a bit daunting and confusing and personally stresses me out 'cause I almost find it constrictive, some people like it. Because if you’re feelings are confusing and then you look at a word that represents something and go, “wow, that me”, it can help you realize you’re valid and find a community and that’s great. There is so much controversy around this issue and others but if we all just calm down, respect each other’s experiences and try to just be nice, reasonable people, which is a lot to ask, let’s be real, it’s quite simple. If you wanna use language to express your honest feelings and identity, that’s great and other people should respect what you say. Likewise, if you hate labels and you just wanna be a formless blob, that’s fine, too. No one should force you. The only thing that isn’t cool is telling other people what they should or should not identify as 'cause that ain’t your problem or your business, bye. This was one of the things that held me back from talking about this for years. Shit’s confusing, man. Let’s just go back to cellular reproduction by mitosis so I don’t really have to be specific. Two people that I really look up to and respect, Harry Styles and Janelle Monae, both famously say that they don’t feel the need to label it which, to be honest, is how I feel and is perfectly okay. But I get it, for me, you want a word. Oh, that’s hard, though. I’m an annoying guy. I feel uncertain specifying my sexuality in the same way I wouldn’t say I am an atheist. Who the fuck am I to say whether God does or doesn’t exist? I don’t know shit 'bout shit and neither does anyone else. I mean I think it’s unlikely in the same way I know I like DICK. But I’m not gonna pretend to have a definite answer here. Looking at my public statements is inconsistent and confusing. Looking at my personal track record through life is super confusing. And looking at the void inside my soul threatening to crush the entire universe with the force of its event horizon of misery and melodrama, well, fuck let’s close that shit up. One thing’s for sure whatever heterosexual is, I ain’t it. Really if you ask me, I don’t think anyone’s totally straight. I think there’s a lot of social and emotional issues getting in the way of yet to be understood feelings of attraction that can be very flexible. And trust me, I’ve known a lot of straight guys until a couple of drinks, some deep conversation, and lingering eye contact, and suddenly they just start leaning in. What does that make them? And am I totally gay? No. Am I slightly more gay or is it just easier for gays to hook up with each other because of societal norms. It’s not like the signs for male and female bathrooms are what I’m attracted to. I don’t care what flesh organ you have between your legs, what your hair’s like, if you’re covered in it or a fuckin’ beluga whale. I’m gonna be honest, I’m not picky. I’m easy. So am I bi or pan or poly? Well, now we’re just in a clusterfuck of defining language and I’m confused and sad and horny. This is why I personally love the word queer. I understand that some people don’t as it is a slur but as someone that’s been the target of it several times throughout my life I’m up for some reclamation. It’s like recycling. The definition makes sense because until society is equal with all sexual and gender identifies, it is literally strange from a conventional viewpoint plus it’s better than a super long acronym, it’s inclusive of everyone and therefore great for formless blobs. There we go, an identity I feel comfortable with. A highly-strung, depressed queer praying for a giant meteor to hurry up and finally eradicate humanity. LMAO, yeet!

But to come full circle, I know that even today, deep in my heart the word gay scares me because that’s how I’ve been conditioned my whole life. So, you know what? Fuck the literal definition and the scientific definition and what everyone thinks. I finally have to just confront and accept this.

I’m gay.

Oh look, didn’t spontaneously fucking combust. Well, there we go, that was a lot of stress about nothing, wasn’t it? Bloody hell. So yup, I’m here, I’m queer, and don’t worry I’m still filled with existential fear.

WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUEER WE’RE FILLED WITH EXISTENTIAL FEAR.

Chapter 5 – Fear

Even though I’m at this current place, there is still so much I’m afraid of and this has taken months to make because of that. Telling my family was a big fear. I have problems connecting with them emotionally because reasons. So I only came out to them this month and if it didn’t go well, as I’m now the independent adult that I fought so hard to be, I was ready to cut them off like the bottom of a sweater turning into a seasonal crop. But I didn’t have to, love you. I didn’t think they’d reject me these days but coming out is still a surprise. It changes things. And I’m a pretty awkward person generally but the idea of just dropping this in conversation in front of them all terrified me. And I tried several times this year to do it but I just couldn’t. So you know how I finally came out to my family? E-mail. Yep, I literally just sent them an e-mail saying and I quote,

“Hello gang. I’ve been meaning to talk to you all for a while, something quite important that should be disclosed at some point. I thought I would around Christmas, then Mum’s birthday, then last Easter Sunday, etc., but every time I meant to, I either felt like I would ruin the mood of the day or I just felt awkward and didn’t want to. So I decided just to email you all instead which is really inappropriate and just weird but that somehow seems appropriate for me and at least I’ll just finally say it.

Basically I’m gay.”

Yup. It was just getting ridiculous so I thought screw it and hey, it worked. Turns out my remaining family, pretty chill bunch of people. Even my Christian grandma said this,

“We love you for being you. It must be a great relief to finally acknowledge who you are. Popsie and I just want you to be happy. People are born as they are and have no say in it. I hope that now you will feel free to live your life as you want with no pretense.”

Aw.

“Don’t forget the iPad.”

Yes, I said I’d give her my old iPad. She mainly cares about that I thing. Wasn’t so sure when I was 17 but it went well now and I know that makes me lucky but, hey, it shows that times change. As for the other people in my life, obviously all the friends I have now are cool. If anyone in my life I’ve ever known isn’t cool with it then I don’t care. And sure here online there might be a few incredibly lost bigots following me or just some classic trolls who I think should get fucked. No, like literally, I think you should try it. You’ll probably enjoy it and you might learn something about yourself. Inevitably some of you watching this might have a weird reaction if you just feel like it was a shock or you feel hurt that I kept it from you. But I feel like I explained myself reasonably here and going forward I can’t have any space for that, sorry. I’ve come to terms with who I am and now you have to, too, ha. Funnily enough straight up homophobia is probably the one thing I’m not that afraid of, because I just don’t agree so it doesn’t hold much emotional power over me but you bet I’m opening myself up to all new kinds of in real life and international discrimination now which is fun. But one of the other big fears holding me back was, honestly, that I wouldn’t be accepted by the community. I know that it’s a big pride flag covering a lot of ground and even the idea of it and certainly most of it is amazing. But there is a lot of drama within it right now especially on the internet. You’ve got Grindr gays arguing about how manly gays should be, bi’s getting ignored, trans people, especially of color, not being historically appreciated, acephobia, fucking SWERFs and TERFs. No thank you. So even though they are my people, I know some of them will have problems with something. And even then, just seeing such a loud and proud, strong and opinionated group of people celebrating something just intimidates a smol introvert such as myself. And in my mind if these people don’t accept me because I’m not being definitive enough or I took too long then I almost feel like I’ll be alone all over again, and this is a fear that a lot of people have honestly. But I’m a nice guy and I’m trying my best so you better be welcoming, you bunch of fuckin’ queers. And obviously with the topic of sexuality, it doesn’t matter where we are or how far you think we’ve come, by merely mentioning it, I will be opening up a primordial box of bullshit which will include every single stupid argument and question since the dawn of time. [It’s not natural.] There’s gay animals. [Adam and Steve.] That’s based on a story and the protagonist that arrives later probably doesn’t agree with you. [Why can’t we have straight pride?] I could spend 10 hours on all the classic crap and people would still be asking the same things. This being posted on the internet, my hopes are so incredibly low, lower than my self-esteem.  Wow, that is unhealthy. I need to stop doing that. This video is about internalized oppression and the problems of language. I’m not here to pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the entire concept of gayness. *ASMR voice*: Pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the concept of gayness.  

There’s other humans and all the time in the world left for that. The time in the world coincidentally being not much longer. Climate change LMAO. But I had to tell my story so people would understand me and these things. Why coming out is still a big deal because queer people are often invisible and suffering until they have to do it. Some people grow up in supportive environments and it’s a positive experience. But more likely, especially around the world outside of the big cities, it isn’t. This is not a fight that is anywhere near over. Even in Britain today people are debating whether children should be taught to be accepting of sexual and gender identity in school.

Queer people exist. Choosing not to accept them is not an option.

To anyone watching this that isn’t out, it’s okay. You’re okay. You were born this way, it’s right, and anyone that has a problem with it is wrong. Based on your circumstance, you might not feel ready to tell people yet or that it’s safe and that’s fine, too. Just know that living your truth, with pride, is the way to be happy. You are valid. It gets so much better. And the future is clear. It’s pretty queer.

So there we go. Now I can proceed authentically in my life with full disclosure. Cute mutuals know to slide into the DMs. And you can all fuck off and leave me alone.

Bye.

#basically i'm gay #daniel howell #danielhowell #dan and phil #amazingphil #phil lester #yes im tagging i dont care #if there's a flaw somewhere (like a missed part or sm) dm me so i could fix it #id go through it again anyway but just in case #oh and it's literally just dan's substitles so all credits to him or whoever did that #hmm i wonder if they hired someone. interesting #have fun #the script

[tokumusume]

tokumusume’s list of best and worst movies and dramas watched in 2019:

There’s a new category this year. Inspired by kpopalypse, welcome the Honorable Mentions! Movies that weren’t exactly bad but also weren’t good. Movies and dramas are qualified to enter if I watched them for the first time this year, not that they were released this year. Click on ‘keep reading’~~

Best Movies:

1.      Parasite

Another masterpiece from the director of Snowpiercer (let’s pretend Okja never existed). A poor family con their way to a rich household. Choi Woo-Shik from The Witch (see below) is the eldest son and mastermind, fabulous as always. Definitely the best movie of this year. For me, movie of the decade.

2.      The Witch Part 1 The Subversion

This movie is amazing, hard to describe without spoilers. A perfect mix of Stranger Things and Hanna. Choi Woo-Shik can come to my house and kick my ass anytime. I can’t wait for part two.

3.      Death Trance

Visually stunning, kinda like Amemiya Keita’s style in early Garo or Mad Max. I wish the movie was longer and the characters were better fleshed out, Ryuen the monk and the little girl had so much potential... The most interesting thing about this movie is how sexualized the main male character is compared to the female ones, and apparently, the swords were designed to look like veiny penises (can’t find a source for this info), and yes, they do look like veiny penises. The final showdown is heavy with sexual energy. Have I already said that Ryuen deserved better? #RyuenRights

4.      Gintama 2: Rules are made to be broken

The barber shop scene is a fucking cinematic masterpiece. I never laughed so much like I did with this movie. The way it doesn’t take itself seriously, the meta jokes, everything is perfect. Even better than the first one.

5.      Kingdom

While I think that some fight scenes were way too long (like the bamboo forest one), the dynamics between Shin and Hyou/Eisei were highly entertaining, at least in my shipper eyes. I like that (SPOILER) the King of the Mountain People is a woman and not once they try to call her Queen. She is a King. Hashimoto Kanna is adorable as a Ten, Kanata Hongo does a great job as Eisei’s psycho brother, Sakaguchi Tak waves his sword around, the usual stuff but with added layers of dirt and sweat.

6.      Bravestorm

A movie I lovingly call “Japanese Pacific Rim”. Full of Kamen Rider stars (Hino Eiji! Misuzawa Haruka! That girl from Heisei Generations, the one with a sword! She has a sword in this as well!) and giant robots (god, I love giant robots!), I waited so much for this movie and it exceeded my expectations. I just wish I could’ve watched in theaters, it had a limited showing in my country.

7.      Twelve Suicidal Children

What begins as a murder mystery ends with a twist you won’t see coming. All of the actors are amazing, but special mention to Sugisaki Hana and that guy from that one boy group I forgot the name but can’t be bothered to Google.

8.      Gakkou Gurashi

Four girls and their teacher try to survive the zombie apocalypse trapped inside the school. This one destroyed me for days.

9.      Forest of Love

I’ve watched some Sono Sion movies but nothing prepared me for this. Be aware of extremely gory sequences and sensitive topics. Hinami Kyoko is so amazing as blue-haired, punk girl crush Taeko that I totally didn’t notice she was AkibaBlue in Akibaranger.

10.  The Host

After watching Parasite I decided to go on a Bong Joon Ho binge and watched this horror movie. Not as good as Snowpiercer and Parasite in my opinion but heart-wrenching nevertheless. The little girl is the star of the movie.

11.  The Hungry Lion

A story about the dangers of social media and slut-shaming. I want to punch Mizuishi Atom in the face.

12.  Cromartie High

A little absurd comedy about yakuza-style high school boys (played by middle-aged men lol) forming a club to battle aliens summoned by themselves just because. It made me laugh like a child. A hidden gem.

Honorable Mentions:

1.      River’s Edge

Depressing as fuck. Warning: the cats die. It’s not graphic but it’s traumatizing. Yoshizawa Ryo is a gay boy who sleeps with old men for money. There’s a graphic sex scene (not Yoshizawa, sadly) where my only thought was “That thing is gonna get stuck in there! Use a condom!” Can’t remember much from it except for these three scenes.

2.      The Disastrous Life of Saiki K

Yamazaki Kento has the acting chops of a dead fish but it comes handy for playing a teen with psychic abilities and zero social skills. Hashimoto Kanna is one of the prettiest girls in Japan. Yoshizawa Ryo with white and blueish hair looks more like Sakata Gintoki than Oguri Shun in the Gintama live action. The end is a huge let down but the fun ride is worth it.

3.      Ano ko no, Toriko

Congratulations to Yoshizawa Ryo, he has FIVE movies in my list of favorite movies this year! This is to make up for crowning GIVER as the biggest waste of time of 2018, this list is totally not biased, lol. “Ano ko” could be just another romance movie but the (very) little insight into how the entertainment industry works and not focusing on school life made me love it. Poor Sugino Yosuke being left behind again, when will this boy get the main girl?

4.      Monstrum

It doesn’t reinvent the wheel but it’s pleasant enough to fill a rainy afternoon with a lot of blood and spilled guts. Hyeri of Girl’s Day is the heroine and Choi Woo Shik is the commander she falls in love with.

5.      Weirdo Go

I confess I watched this one just to see Ji Li (aka my snake son Nie Huaisang) dressed as a woman but it was enjoyable and not that problematic.

6.      Real - Kanzen Naru Kubinagaryu no Hi

Directed by the same guy that did “Creepy” and “Before we vanish”, there are lots of twists you won’t see coming. And a dinosaur. A fucking dinosaur.

7.      Tomodachi Game: The Final

The movie loses its focus halfway through then picks up again minutes before ending. Yoshizawa Ryo delivers again as the sadistic Yuuichi, much like his role in Gintama. The plot twists are the star of the movie.

8.     The Living Dead

Sorry Wen Ning. I saw the plot twist coming in the first 30 minutes of the movie, not very smart of the writer. His personality did a 180° turn for worse and I’ll demote the movie to an honorable mention for it. Gao Han is cute though, I would like to see him as a better character.

9.      Backstreet Girls

Some recycled scenes from the drama to situate the viewers, a completely new story for the movie, it is certainly funny and enjoyable, if you can get past the forced gender reassignment surgery background and transphobic jokes (you shouldn’t get past it btw). I like the soundtrack.

Best Dramas:

1.      The Untamed

Do I need to say more?

2.      The Tale of Nokdu

This Korean romance had everything to be a mess but it wasn’t!!! *claps* I don’t hate the main female character and the whole palace politics actually kept me interested until the end. The complete shift of atmosphere mid-season was strange at first but ultimately very welcomed.

3.      The Naked Director

Netflix original Japanese content is amazing. This one is a look at the life of a legendary porn director in the late 80s, I learned a lot about the history of Japanese porn and censorship (yay pixels!) and went looking for his, erm, works. Very graphic, 69/10 don’t recommend watching with people in the house.

4.      Channel wa Sonomama!

I don’t remember it well but it’s about a news station and what is like to be a journalist and it was very interesting and funny.

5.      SCAMS

Forgettable. Sugino Yosuke with black hair cons old people via phone calls.

Worst Movies and Dramas:

1.      The cat in their arms

The cats spend 90% of the movie in human forms, and halfway through it they simply abandon the cats’ plot to show a fucking long montage of a weird guy painting a picture of a nude girl. It’s also super creepy to see a grown-up man acting like a cat, getting belly rubs and eating cat food from a bowl. Yoshizawa needs to choose his roles more wisely.

2.      Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun

A waste of Suda Masaki’s talent. Can Japan stop casting Tsuchiya Tao already?

3.      Samurai Marathon

Almost two hours of dirty men running through a forest. Maybe Japanese History experts will enjoy it, because I certainly didn’t.

4.      Lady Vengeance

While there are legit great moments, I didn’t find this “classic” to be anything special. The animal cruelty was too much for me.

5.      Hot Gimmick

This movie makes Bohemian Rhapsody’s editing look like a work of art. There are more flashing cuts than a T-ARA music video. I have no idea who likes who, who’s banging who, what even are they saying. Too much poetic shit for my like. I wanted to see Shimizu Hiroya naked. I was bamboozled.

6.      The Divine Fury

While some parts were interesting, at the end I still don’t know if the protagonist is possessed by a demon (if yes, then why would he help a priest destroy his friends?) or if he was blessed by God when his father died and talked to him (the glowing hand thing, why and how??). The exorcism parts are really, really scary, or maybe I’m just a chicken, but I had to avert my eyes. The best (only) part is that the protagonists are hot. Hello Woo Do-Hwan, you can sacrifice me to Satan any time…

#tokumusume awards #2019 #Parasite #Gintama #The Untamed #The Tale of Nokdu #Yoshizawa Ryo #long post #jdrama #kdrama #jmovie #kmovie #cdrama #cmovie

[frankchurchillsaysrelax]

A lot of you wanted to know what happens next. Hopefully this doesn’t disappoint.

i’m a rusty set of strings that i keep windin’

part one

Michael will always remember his first day of school, not for any of the reasons children usually remember that day but because of the discovery it would lead to. One that would change his life for better and worse.

His first three days in Albuquerque had been spent hidden away inside his new house. His first attempt at a home on this planet. He didn’t understand then why his foster parents even bothered taking him in. They weren’t nice people and they barely spoke to him, acting as if they were the mute ones whenever in his company.

Still, he felt comfortable in that house. He missed Max and Isobel, sure, but it didn’t bother him like he thought it would, being so far away from them and the pods. He could still feel a connection to them, a small pull at the back of his mind that reminded him they were still out there. He supposed he always would.

So he kept to his room, finding ways to amuse himself. There were no toys, not even the dingy kind they’d played with at the group home. Drawing, on paper this time, always on paper, passed the time and when he tired of that he slept. Dreams came easily, always the same; floating someplace warm and pink where everything was quiet and safe, and when he woke the feeling followed him throughout the day.

Then Monday came and he was taken from his safe haven and dropped in the middle of a war zone. Tiny humans besieged him, their weapons comprised of lingering stares and whispered thoughts hidden behind hands. The braver ones armed with sharp words trying to pierce his silence. More adults watched him, only ever him, with sad eyes and wouldn’t explain what about him caused them so much unhappiness.

All of that was manageable though compared to that feeling of peace slowly fading throughout the day leaving an aching loneliness so strong he thought it would never go away.

Several months continued like this, a cycle of familiarity and routine that helped Michael settle into his assumed human existence. School, speech therapy, and then home to quiet the feelings the outside world imposed on him. He discovered that the loneliness was still inside him but at home it was so much easier to ignore it. Maybe that’s what home means, he often wondered.

He found his answers in a bottle one day. Eight years old and left unsupervised, curiosity prevailed. Something about this house brought him the only inkling of happiness he had ever known and he needed to know what it was. He’d heard the whispered plans to send him away. No amount of money was worth having to be around him it seemed.

Less than a year later he was finally taken away but so were they, in the back of a police car. Finding that bottle had scared him and for good reason it would appear. He might not have had any memories or fully understood what it means to be human, but something told him that peace shouldn’t come from something like that.

So he chose to seek it in other places. Talking came easy once he actually tried and he learned that he could make the other children laugh with him instead of at him, even if he still couldn’t call any of them friend. He found joy in his schoolwork, solving problems as natural as breathing.

Things were looking up, and then came Sante Fe where home wasn’t safe nor even a word he could pretend applied to him anymore. They had their own bottles here, ones that sat out in the open and turned you mean when you drank from them.

His powers began developing shortly before their tenth birthday, nearly three years to the day from when they’d left the pods. The first time he lost control, a broken lamp was echoed by the crack of his foster father’s belt. Locked in the bathroom looking for anything to help with the pain he’d found a duller version of an old friend. The packaging might have been different but there was no mistaking the dizzying smell lulling him under a blanket of tranquility.

He breathed in deeply, each inhale setting his ribs on fire. It wasn’t enough and tentatively he took a sip. The stinging liquid trickled down his throat, burning at first and then soothing as relief rippled out from his chest. So he sat, drinking away his pain and desperately begging the universe to spare his siblings a similar fate.

— —

When Michael wakes it feels like no time has passed and yet he is definitely no longer on Isobel’s bathroom floor or draped across Alex. The pain is noticeably gone aside from the constant ache of his left hand and a slight headache. His body feels light but his mind is tired, drained from the events of the last two days.

There’s someone laying beside him, easily recognizable and comfortably curled against his side, their head resting on his shoulder.

“Is?” His voice is weak and sounds almost as exhausted as he feels.

Isobel sits up only to throw herself over his chest in a crushing hug. He wraps his arms tightly around her and runs a soothing hand over her hair when he feels her take a shuddering breath. His eyes open slowly and it takes a moment with the setting sun breaking through the windows to realize he’s in Isobel and Noah’s guest room.

“I’m sorry Izzy,” he whispers into her hair. “Guess I fucked up again huh?” He tries to laugh but it sounds hollow. He never should have come over tonight.

Isobel slowly rises until she’s perched on the edge of the bed looking down at him with her most austere big sister look, though the effect is lessened by the worry still clear in her eyes. She reaches out to run her fingers comfortingly through his hair.

“Trust me, we’re going to have a serious talk about you not seeking medical attention and nearly dying on my bathroom floor.” He rolls his eyes. That seems like an over exaggeration, although going by the look she has on her face he wonders if maybe it isn’t.

“We’re also going to discuss the glowing metal Liz pulled out of your back.” He closes his eyes trying to tamp down the fear that sentence stirs, knowing that she can definitely feel it from this close. “But all of that can wait until tomorrow. Right now I’m just glad you’re ok.”

Isobel fusses with the blanket covering him for a moment, maternal energy pouring from her even if she doesn’t know how to harness it. When he opens his eyes he sees that her stern mask has crumpled revealing the fear and sadness she had tried to shield. Tears gather in her eyes and as always he feels physically pained at the sight. He grabs her hand giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“I love you Michael, and I promise I’m going to be a better sister from now on.”

Her words confuse him and he stares at her with wide eyes trying to make sense of them.

“I love you too. Don’t know what you’re talkin’ about though, you’re the best sister in the universe far as I’m concerned.” He grins up at her, as sincere as he’s ever been but she just shakes her head, holding firm to her statement.

It’s true though. Isobel trusts him, she confides in him. She knows that no matter what she can always come to him for help or even just for someone to talk at until she inevitably solves her own problem. She tries to include him in family events, the ones that don’t include the Evans parents at least, and she has always been quick to bestow hugs or other signs of affection on him, ever since the day he returned to Roswell. There really isn’t much more he could ask for.

Unwilling to argue the issue she simply leans down to press a kiss to his forehead before standing.

“You should get some sleep. Like I said, everything else can wait for tomorrow.” She walks backward towards the door as she continues talking. “Liz took Max home so he could recover but Alex is still here. He refused to leave but he’s smart and didn’t try to fight me on staying in here with you.”

Michael smiles, trying to picture Alex going toe-to-toe with Isobel about anything. The thought of them arguing over who gets to sit with his unconscious ass fills him with a warmth he can’t describe.

There’s a soft knock on the door before it opens revealing Alex standing in the doorway.

“I heard you walking around. I figured that meant he was awake.” Isobel crosses her arms and narrows her eyes, giving him an appraising look. Michael watches closely to make sure she’s not using her powers. He’ll have to remind her that Alex is off limits when it comes to her influencing, even if they’re not together. Alex doesn’t back down and the two of them are suddenly caught in a staring contest that Michael is too tired to make sense of. Eventually Isobel raises an eyebrow, motioning for him to enter the room. Alex goes swiftly.

“I take it you’re spending the night?”

Alex nods but his eyes are now firmly set on Michael, openly watching him in a way that makes Michael’s skin warm again but for very different reasons. Michael couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. He hears Izzy scoff from somewhere off to the side.

“No sex in my house, Michael.”

She closes the door behind her and Michael expects her words to leave an awkward tension between them but Alex just steps closer to the bed, shedding his jacket and jeans before sitting down to remove his prosthetic. Michael makes note for the first time that he is also dressed for bed in a tshirt and pair of pajama pants he knows belong to Noah. He doesn’t even want to know how he got to be that way.

Alex lays down beside him and Michael allows him to manhandle him into being the little spoon. Satisfied, Alex wraps an arm around Michael’s waist and tugs him snugly against his chest. Michael wants to ask how this fits into Alex’s definition of friends but he’s too afraid that those words would break whatever spell they are under.

Sleep calls him back quickly, his breathing slowing to match Alex’s and his eyes closing against the remaining stretches of sunlight, until Alex speaks.

“We need to talk about what happened earlier.” Michael tenses involuntarily in anticipation of his next words. “I’ve seen guys at the VA get hooked on opioids, just wanting to numb the pain. I know what it looks like, Guerin.” Blunt as ever, that’s his Alex.

Michael wants to argue, to deny and deflect. He knows he can’t though, not after the way he was acting this afternoon. He wants to ask Alex what he expected from the kid who grew up surrounded by addicts. Is it really that much of a surprise that this is where he wound up? He’s too tired to have this conversation right now.

“Tomorrow,” Alex speaks softly, nuzzling into Michael’s curls. His breath is warm against his scalp and his lips brush the skin with a simple kiss that is distinctly not friendly.

Michael settles back into the strong, protective hold. Tomorrow is promising to be a long day of painful revelations and explanations. For now he’ll lean into their connection, let Alex’s presence quiet his mind and accept the peace being in his arms always brings him.

#my fic #malex fic #malex #isobel evans #roswell new mexico #i have stared at this for too long and now i hate it

[hannahsfanficsforyou]

A Whole New World Pt.4

I groan loudly as I hear a knock on my door and I roll over and put a pillow over my head “Go awayyyy” I say feeling exhausted from last nights endeavors....last night... “Ahhhh” I groan louder this time my face flushing with embarrassment as I remember “Laxus” I whisper and giggle, “ugh stop you are acting so dumb you don’t even know him, sure he saved you from those dudes but still...He probably just felt sorry for you and he probably saves girls all the time. Bleh with his looks he probably has lots of girls... Probably has herpes too.” Still I can’t help but giggle and squeeze my pillow thinking about him, but immediately drop my smile “stop acting like a little girl” I whisper to myself

“Hannah if you don’t get up and out here I’m going to burn this door down, it’s 12pm I’ve been trying to get you up for like two hours but we don’t have phones here so I can’t text or call you. Get your ass up!!” Aaliyah yells through my door

I groan again but reluctantly roll out of bed and put on my old clothes, God we have got to get a job today and get money to go shopping, our clothing probably smells gross. We have worn and sweated in them one day too long. I open the door and stick my tongue out at Aaliyah who is waiting for me outside with her arms crossed, “well lets go get a job and get that bag” I say while walking out the exit with her.

We walk in and my stomach immediately starts rumbling, “dude we need food money asap” I say as we walk towards the bar and take our seats, I smile at Mirajane “Hi Hannah and Aaliyah it’s good to see you both, I hope you both slept well in your new rooms, also come to take me up on the free food order?” 

My eyes light up “Oh yes please, I thought you might have been joking yesterday but I’m so glad you weren’t, we haven’t gone on a job yet so we are currently broke, haha” I say scratching the back of my head and grinning. She smiles back “I don’t joke about helping two newcomers out, give me a few minutes and I’ll be out with something for you both” She says with a wink.

“Damn, I think I have a girl crush on her dude.” I say to Aaliyah and we both laugh. A few minutes pass and Mirajane brings us two plates with sausage eggs and toast. My mouth waters “Thank you so much Mirajane” I say with a few dramatic tears in my eyes as I eat the delicious food. “You can call me Mira” Her smile seemed so sweet and pure, wow I really like it here, I wonder if everyone else is as nice as this. I look up at the second floor “Hey, Mira what’s up there? Is the second floor off limits, I don’t see anyone up there?” I ask while nibbling some of my toast. She nods while cleaning some drink glasses “Mm yes, the second floor has the S class job requests which is a rank you achieve by doing a promotion trial, its a series of tasks and compete against other wizards to test if you have the ability, talent and of course strength to get the title of S class. So far we only have three current S class wizards, four if you count me but I don’t really count myself since I don’t do those jobs. They are Gildarts who is always traveling on hard jobs and is almost never here, Erza who is also known at Titania and our strongest female wizard, not counting myself, and of course our masters grandson Laxus, he’s a bit distant from people not on his team but hes a softie deep down, don’t tell him I told you that.” She winked at me. “But S class jobs are usually much harder and more dangerous, but the reward is always much better, I always say the harder the task the more the jewels.” 

I laugh and continue to eat my food, hmm s class jobs maybe I can use my camouflage to sneak up there and take a peek. I giggle to myself and Aaliyah gives me a look I just wave her off, we could use the money but I guess we can take a regular job today so we can at least have money for new clothing. 

We are finishing up our food and a man with black hair and a chilly vibe comes and sits next to me “Hey, the names Gray, I haven’t seen you two around so I thought I would introduce myself. I’m an ice make wizard.” I shake his hand and smile “I’m Hannah and shes Aaliyah, I have erm, nature magic. And she has fire magic.” I say being vague with our powers just to keep it lowkey, don’t want everyone knowing we have origin magic, it might cause trouble. 

When I look back at him after looking at Aaliyah while introducing her I make the biggest ‘WTF’ face ever “Ummm, you seem to have... lost your clothing...” I say awkwardly trying to not look at his damn six pack right in front of me while blushing. Gray looks down a yells “Damnit sorry not again!” I give a little snort, I guess this guy strips, what, unconsciously? “Pfft” These people are something else. I giggle blushing at his crazy antics and then suddenly a dark shadow casts over me and a man steps right in between my stool and grays blocking my sight of him “Oh Laxus you are back, how was the job” I look up and my blush gets ten times worse just looking at him and remembering last night too.

I turn back in my seat back to my food, staring at my plate “It was fine, normal stuff, boring mostly.” He says nonchalantly and I risk sneaking a peak at him and we make eye contact and for a split second I see a small smirk on his face before he looks away. I huff in annoyance, jeez whats with this dude he might be hot but hes kind of annoying me, he seems so arrogant and full of himself, probably a leo too. “Hey Gray go put clothes on I’m gonna sit here.” He says as his presence alone causes Gray to move out of his chair and just nod. I raise my eyebrows and turn back to my food trying to finish faster. I turn away from Laxus to Aaliyah and she gives me a look “I’ll tell you later” I whisper and I grab her arm “time to get a job for once in our lives” I say as I jump off my stool and pull Aaliyah along with me to the request board. I can’t even be around him without feeling crazy, hmph I’ll just avoid him then, easy enough thanks to jobs.

We walk over to the bulletin board with job flyers all over it and a man standing staring at them, I smile “Hi I’m Hannah and this is Aaliyah, we are new” We both smile at him “are you looking for a job too, we’ve never taken a job before” I say to him as I look them over. “Hah, yeah right Nab never takes a job he just stands there all day staring.” A man shouts from a table near the board. Nab turns around “Yeah right Max I’m going to take a job one of these days I’m just waiting for one that only I can do!” I giggle at them and Nab turns to me “So what kind of magic do you two use” He asks “well, I use nature magic and she uses fire magic” He looks around and grabs one “This one might be a good one for your first job, not too hard but the pay is decent” I look at the flyer ‘Need help relighting our magic lanterns with long lasting fire, reward 100,000 jewels’ I hand it to Aaliyah “I think you can do it, I mean the pay is good to we split it and both get 50,000.” Aaliyah looks at me “Why would we split it I’d be doing all the work” I give her a fake shocked look “Oh my my, but we are a teammmm we are traveling together, teams split the reward, besides next time we will get a job that uses my magic and I’ll split it with you too.” I grin “Lets go, thanks Nab! I hope you find that job and it was good to meet you” I say waving and he smiles back “You too Hannah, Aaliyah, just clear the job with Mirajane before you go!” 

I rush over to Mira and hold out the flyer to her while purposely pretending Laxus wasn’t sitting right there and forcing myself not looking at him. Just act like he doesn’t exist then everything is fine, I keep chanting that to myself. Mira smiles and hands the flyer back to me “It looks good for you two good luck on your first job and don’t push yourself too hard!” Me and Aaliyah thank her and wave goodbye as we leave.

                _______________________________________________

Mira watches as Hannah and Aaliyah stroll out of the guild hall to their first job “My, what strange girls, and their magic power... It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before” She says to herself before looking at Laxus with a raised eyebrow “What was that then hmmm” She says slyly while grinning “Does the big bad Laxus Drayer have an interest in our newcomer Hannah” He just stars at her before scoffing and downing the rest of his drink, standing up and walking away. Mira giggles “Oh this is very interesting” She says to herself while cleaning Laxus mug.

               _______________________________________________

“SO! The village is just up a few mile north of Magnolia, jeez as soon as we make money we can take a train next time, no wonder everyone here is so fit looking they work out doing jobs and hiking around towns. My legs are gonna be so dead by the time we get there. God I bet it looks beautiful in the fall and winter though, I can’t wait.” I say while smiling and me and Aaliyah walk down the dirt path towards a small town called Aspen village. 

When we reach the town we see the flyer said to go to the mayors house so we ask around until someone tells us where it is. We knock on the door and a tall elderly man answers the door. “Hello sir, we are wizards from Fairy Tail here to do the job you requested!” I say and me and Aaliyah smile at him. 

“Ah yes, thank you, every year or so we need wizards to relight them with special long lasting fire instead of wasting money on resources for the lights. Just go around and light each one then come back and I’ll have your reward.It interesting to have a different fire wizard this time, we usually have a very destructive but boisterous young man who comes, it’s good to see new faces though, you Fairy Tail wizards are always so kind. ” He says to us and we smile then head out into the town again.

“Hmm looks like you have competition for best fire wizard in the guild then, we haven’t met him yet he sounds.. Interesting, I’ll try not to judge before meeting him.” I say poking Aaliyah in the side. 

She laughs “yeah okay he’s probably better than me right now, but we just got here, he’s been here his whole life, probably learning magic since he was little, so it’s not exactly fair to compare yet, but hey Ignis said our origin magic has the potential to be stronger than any wizard in this world if we train enough. So eventually I can probably beat him if I had to.” I nod at her words

We walk along the street, Aaliyah lighting each street light as we come across them. “Hm, it is weird, to know you control such powerful magic, I could sense Laxus’s power last night, honestly it was the most intense thing I have ever felt, I don’t want to get on his bad side, I guess that means they can sense our magic too then. I wonder if it feels strong or weak right now, pfft my guess is weak, at least for now.” 

Aaliyah is about to light another street light but she stops and turns to me “wait what do you mean Laxus last night? What the hell, tell me everything right now”

“AHG” I say forgetting I hadn’t told her yet about last night events “crap, I forgot to tell you, I was going to but then he showed up this morning and distracted the pants off of me, not in a sexual sense, well kind of, but also that other dudes pants too. Wow this is a weird world man.” I say while laughing really loud. Aaliyah laughs with me as we keep walking and she works on the street lights “Soooo stop avoiding it what happened, you two didn’t....Hook upppp did you??” 

My face flushes “WHAT, oh my lord stop playing around, a man like that would never want a girl like me, I mean get real did you see the girls around the guild, they all look so much better than me and I mean him and Mira would make such a good match, shes an S class, or former S class wizard and he is too, I mean I heard that her and this other girl Erza are the two most powerful girls in the guild. They would make a great couple, I can’t compete with that, and I bet he has hordes of girls and fans who he could have any time he wants.” I say fake smiling “Besides I don’t like him, I just think hes hot, I don’t even know the man.” 

Aaliyah looks at me “Righhhhht, first off you are gorgeous, stop acting like you aren’t, the other girls might be pretty too but that doesn’t make you any less hot, stop putting yourself down, and pffft who cares about being powerful besides the fact that we ARE strong, Ignis and Terra told us we are remember we have origin magic which is apparently I don’t know TERRIFYING, we just need to train! And don’t you like being weaker than the man, who knows maybe he wants a girl he can protect and be strong for.” She says while throwing up another flame into the street light. “NOW stop avoiding the subject and making me go off on a rant, what happened last night!”

I sigh and dip my head and retell the events of last night. She looks shocked “Are you serious, you went out alone, at night, in a city we just got to, and you got lost HAHA, oh man I’m sorry I shouldn’t laugh, that sucks I would have beat those dudes down. I guess its good Laxus was there, man why didn’t you use your magic?” I let out another dramatic sigh 

“I don’t knooooow, I was just so terrified it’s like my brain stopped working, I’m really glad he was there, who knows what would have happened, God it’s kinda cliche though isn’t it. Like a damn movie.” I say rolling my eyes but blush thinking about how it ended. “Still I think he might like you, that little way he teased you when he brought you back, now I would have killed to see your face when he did that, I bet you were so embarrassed, honestly it’s weird that he heard you though, we were pretty far away from him when you said it... Maybe it’s part of his magic?” She adds. 

“Eh?” I furrow my brows “But he has lightning magic how does advanced hearing go with that” She shrugs “Maybe lightning is just his main magic, and he has some other abilities too, you make him sound strong enough to take down this whole town, who knows what he has under his sleeve.” I giggle.

“Oh I KNOW he has GODLY biceps I haven’t seen him shirtless but I just know, under that sexy coat he always wears he has the biggest arms that could rival The Rocks.” Aaliyah looks at me, “Hannah you are drooling.” I quickly whip my hand up to my face “Oh haha, nice one, I can’t wait till you see a hot magic wizard man and I get to tease you about it.” 

“So far not one man has caught my eye I’ll tell you that.” She says and I hum “Suree, just wait it’ll happen and when it does I’ll be righhhht there waiting.” I cross my arms as I walk beside her, “there we go, that should be the last one I think, I tried to think in my head burn for a very long time please, while lighting each one. I hope they actually stay for a while or I’ll feel pretty shitty.” 

I laugh “who knows with our origin magic you might have accidentally made them burn forever and then we won’t ever get to come back and make more money here.” Her eyes widen “Do you think I could actually do that, that’s kind of scary.” 

“Pffff, who knows, we honestly don’t know our true strength yet, I mean I can do camouflage why couldn’t you create I don’t know, infinity flames.” I say while waving my hands dramatically.

We walk back to the mayors house and get our reward, 50,000 jewels each. We wave goodbye to the mayor and head off back to Magnolia.

“Look we can take the train now, but we should probably buy a bag or purse to keep our money in when we get back. Hey are you okay?” I say to Aaliyah and she nods “Yeah just glad we can take the train, using all that magic really drained me, I don’t think I could walk back home.” 

We buy our train tickets and board, “Gosh, we really need to train, we can’t save the world if this drains us, maybe we can get a mentor? Someone who can teach us how to use our magic” I suggest 

“Yeah but we could just call up the origin ghosts, they said we could contact them if we had questions, I mean they are ghosts what else do they have to do all day.” Aaliyah says looking sleepy. “Hm, yeah but I think It would be better if we got someone actually living, maybe we can ask who we should ask to be our mentors though, I bet they know a bunch of powerful wizards with the same kind of magic as us.” Aaliyah just nods and we eventually reach Magnolia.

“Okay, I know you are tired but we should go shopping, we really need new clothing, and a bag and some food, then we go home.” I say as we get off the train.

We walk through the streets of Magnolia until we find a clothing shop and I drag Aaliyah inside. We both go around the shop and I find a cute olive green romper with a matching headband, “Hmm, 10,000 jewels, I’ll take it” I buy the outfit and buy a bag to go with the outfit and to keep my money in. Aaliyah picks out a cute black tank top with red pants, a matching black bag and “Ohh look at us we both have headbands, we are so cute. Come on food is next!” I say hurriedly as we run off to the market.

We both pick out different ingredients and two different cook books to use, I go to reach for a bag of chips that look yummy but my hand connects with someone else reaching for the same bag. An electric current runs all the way up my arm “Jesus, you scared me sorry I mean you can take them.” I look up at him and I fidget looking down at some other snacks as he grabs the bag of chips and buys them. “Here” he says as he hands them to me and walks off down the street. 

I blink a few times... “Uhm, thanks..” I can feel the heat in my face again, but he was already gone. “Stop stop, it was just a weird conicidence and he was just being nice.” I say smacking myself in the face a few times and Aaliyah walks over looking at me weird “Stop looking at me like that!!” I snap “AHG sorry god he always has to show up at weird times doesn’t he.” 

“Dude Laxus again?!” Aaliyah says “What happened now?” 

“BAH he tried to grab a bag of chips I was also trying to grab to buy and duh our stupid hands touched, dumbass lightning wizard I got shocked. And then he bought them after I said he could have them and he gave them to me, the nerve!” I say with a huff. Aaliyah laughs “Oh man, this is so funny, you like him so bad it hurts.” I glare at her “Hell no, come on lets go home”

I turn around and walk back towards Fairy Hills. We both go into my dorm “I’ll cook tonight I think i got some good stuff, and this cookbook has so many recipes I’m excited to try!” 

We get to work in the kitchen and make braised fish with miso soup. We eat and laugh together, “man I feel more like an adult here than I ever did back home” I say while eating some soup.

“I mean we are only 18 it’s not like we had to instantly become adults at 18″ Aaliyah says and I sigh “I know I know but I just feel like at least I’m accomplishing something, I never felt like I did anything in our world, I feel like I have a purpose here, and I’m glad we came to this world together, I don’t know if I could have been here by myself.” We both smile and I add “hey I wonder what the drinking age is here.” Aaliyah scoffs “of course you would want to know”

“Come onnnn it could be funn, I wonder what wizard alcohol tastes like, haha oh I bet they have hot springs we can visit, ohhh I’m so excited even though the world is gonna end and we have to stop it and we need to train, I don’t care right now. I’m just excited to explore and have fun too!” We both laugh and talk the rest of the night, just like back home.

[serendipitousrambles]

It’s just this once, I swear (pt 6/9)

The sound of the phone caused Max to wake up, her head pounding and nausea setting in. "Shit." She whispered and rubbed her head. The phone continued to ring so she had no choice but to climb out of bed and down the hall. "Hello?" She answered it, leaning against the wall for support.  "Hey Max," it was Dustin. "Dustin? Can you not speak so loud, my head hurts so much."  "Sorry, I uh... wanted to talk about last night."  Max searched her memory but she had no idea what happened at that party. She couldn't remember much from last night only that she'd drunk a lot. "Oh god did I do something embarrassing?" She put her head in her hands. There was silence from the other end of the line. "Dustin? Are you still there?" "You really don't remember anything from last night?" His voice sounded disappointed. "Only that I got too drunk. Why did you call me?" "Oh, uh... only to ask if you'd...seen my hat? Yes, that's it. I uh lost my hat. But it turns out I remember I left it at Will's house. See you Monday Max." And he hung up the phone. He was acting weird. First he sounded hopeful when he asked about last night but then he sounded disappointed when she said she hadn't. Max didn't believe his story about the hat but her head hurt too much to over think about something. She decided to go back to bed and sleep off the hangover.

"She really doesn't remember?" Will asked, patting Dustin on the back.

"It's like it never happened." He looked down.

Dustin had stayed over at Will's house, his mother wasn't supposed to know about him drinking so Will let him stay so he could go home when he was sober again.

"I'm sorry, I know how much you like her."

"It's just... she's so cool, doesn't worry about anything. It feels like I could talk to her for hours and she would understand. I've never felt this way about anybody. But she clearly doesn't remember, or doesn't want to. So we just have to pretend like it didn't happen." Dustin stood up, sighed and grabbed his backpack.

"You need to talk to her." Will stood up too.

"And what? She tells me it's all a mistake, or even worse, she refuses to speak to me? I can't lose our friendship over this."

"I did what?!" Max shouted down the phone, wincing as she remembered her killer headache.

"I thought you remembered." El spoke softly, trying not to make Max's headache worse. "How much did you drink last night?"

"Way to much. Shit, do you think he remembers?"

"I have no idea. What are you going to do?"

Max went silent. She didn't know how to process the situation.

"I can't talk to him...I don't know what to say. I don't know who started it, what if it was me? No I can't... can't think."

"You have to face him at some point."

Max slumped on to the floor, she didn't want to exist right now. It was too hard.

Max wasn't seen Monday morning, much to Dustin's dismay. He really needed to talk to her, but she clearly had other plans.

"Hey, have you guys seen Max today?" Dustin said as he put his lunch tray down on the table, pulling Mike and El out of a conversation they were having.

"No, now that you mention it. El, did you know anything about this?" Mike turned to his girlfriend.

"I knew she wasn't feeling well yesterday, but I thought she'd get better."

Dustin shook his head. "It's my fault. She's avoiding me."

"Why would she avoid you?" Mike shoved some food into his mouth.

"Because we kissed at that stupid party. We were drunk, she must have been more drunk than she thought. I said something and she kissed me. I thought everything was going well but when I tried to talk to her yesterday she said she didn't remember. She probably did but doesn't want to admit it." He rested his head in his hands. "I'm so stupid, I should've just let it go but I had to admit my stupid crush on her..."

Mike and El exchanged a look.

"What's up with Dustin?" Lucas sat down next to his friend who had his head buried in his hands. "He's not even eating, something's definitely up."

"Doesn't matter Lucas...I'm fine." Dustin sat up but he caught a glimpse of bright red hair across the cafeteria.

Max was talking to Craig, she was laughing and playfully pushed his shoulder.

"Why is Max talking to that douche - canoe Craig?" Mike turned around to see what Dustin was staring at.

Dustin stabbed his food with his fork. "Hey, Dustin...chill." Lucas nudged him.

Dustin continued to watch Max, and he felt an odd sense of jealousy. They weren't anything, as far as Max was concerned last night never happened. Dustin knew he had no right to feel jealous, but it didn't stop the knot he felt in his stomach watching them together.

"Hey guys." Max sat down, a smile spread across her face.

"You look happy." El raised an eyebrow curiously.

"Turns out Craig and Tracy are no more, yeah after his party they had this huge fall out. So he asked me out."

"That guy works quick." Mike coughed as El kicked him under the table, she glared at him: a sign he should probably stop talking.

"Yeah..." Max nodded slowly, looking at Mike with a confused expression. "So I told him that Dustin and I had recently split too and we're going out tomorrow."

"But tomorrow's a Tuesday." Will said, "you're in my Spanish class and we have a test."

"Will, I don't care about some Spanish test. I've got a date with the hottest guy in school." She smiled, not meeting Dustin's gaze.

Max and Dustin didn't speak to each other the whole of lunch and avoided each other the rest of the day. There was an awkward vibe in the air whenever they were around each other.

After seeing Max walk out of school hand in hand with Craig, Dustin knew it was time to give up on her, she was only ever going to see him as a friend and he just had to accept that. So he did the unthinkable: asked out Cathy Burke.

#stranger things #fluff #fic #dustin/max #dustin henderson #max

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

The Misadventures of Prince Kim - chapter 18

(aka the royalty AU story)

[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17] [AO3]

Max sat alone in his room, trying to study, but his thoughts just kept going back to Kim. It didn’t help when someone knocked on his door – surely that could only be Kim, coming to see how he was doing? But he opened the door to see Alix there instead.

“Oh hello Alix, come in,” he said, stifling a yawn. Perhaps he really should have taken a nap after all. All this pointless pining was more tiring than it seemed.

Alix entered the room and immediately said, “Dude, I really need your help with something.”

Ah, it was finally happening. Surely she must have realized Kim liked her, and wanted his help with that. Of course. It was only a matter of time.

“Yes, certainly, what is it?”

She leaned on her sceptre, absent-mindedly flicking the lid open and closed. “I’m pretty bad at being a ruler. I have, like, no idea what I’m doing. I mean, yeah I know I’m bad at acting the part and doing all the pointless boring ceremonial stuff, but I don’t really care about that. What I want help with is the actual practical aspects of ruling a country, the stuff that will make a difference. You’re good at that, so uh… could you help me out? Please?”

“Yes, of course,” Max replied, taken aback. This was what she wanted help with? Well… he had underestimated her, alright.

“You look so surprised.”

Whoops. “I just… didn’t realize you…”

“Didn’t realize I cared so much? Well yeah, I try not to. But honestly, the pressure of ruling the most developed country in the world is starting to get to me. I know everyone expects a lot from me and I’ve pretty much already let my family down considering what I’m like, so I’m not doing the same for the rest of my country. They deserve a good leader.”

“I’m sure you haven’t let your family down!”

“Trust me, I have. Even fricking Jalil would have made a better pharaoh than me, everyone thinks it even if they don’t say it.”

Her tone and expression hadn’t changed, but her hand was gripping the sceptre so tightly it was going white. Clearly this was affecting her much more than she let on.

“I’ll help you be a good leader, don’t worry,” Max said. “But really, your powers are mostly ceremonial. You don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, the council can just make all the governing decisions for you if you feel you’re not good at it. I’m sure they’d do a good job, considering they’re democratically elected and all. They’ll do what’s best for the people.”

“I don’t want to have to rely on the council to run my country for me, thank you very much. I’ve seen how corrupt other countries can get seriously fast, despite seeming all modern and stable and whatever. I’d rather be properly informed about the direction my country is going in. I don’t want it going backwards just because a bunch of charismatic liars got voted into the council and the monarch did nothing to stop them messing stuff up. That happened once to Rossi, you know.”

Wait, she knew all that? He hadn’t even realized. He always thought she didn’t care about how to rule her country, preferring to just mess around and have fun all the time. Had that just been an act? Or was she simply growing up to be more responsible than she had been in the past?

“You’re right,” he said, “countries can advance or decline very rapidly depending on who’s in charge. I’m proud that you want to be a responsible leader.”

“Do you think my family would be proud too? At least if I tried? They would, wouldn’t they?”

“Of course they would! But even if they wouldn’t, that’s not the end of the world–”

“Yes it is!” She snapped the lid of her sceptre shut so hard it made a loud click. “You’ve always been a good child, really smart and good at everything and always trying hard, your family thinks you’re awesome and to be honest, so does mine, I bet my dad wishes you were his kid instead of me. But all my life I’ve just been really… I don’t know, immature! I want to at least do something to show them that I’m not just some failure, I have to prove myself to them…”

So that was what this was all about. Well, he had something to put her mind at ease.

“Alix, I have to tell you something. During my oracle session with Master Fu, the question I asked was whether the GDP of my kingdom will ever overtake yours while I’m alive. I expected it would, since I’ve got so many plans to boost the economy and that sort of thing, and I didn’t expect you would try that hard with it. But guess what? I was wrong! As long as I live, your country will be ahead of mine. Which means that you will do a good job, no matter what happens.”

Her face lit up. “Wait, are you serious? My country’s economy is going to stay better than yours? But like… you’re Max! You’re so good at that stuff!”

“I know I am. But obviously it seems you’ll be good at it too, at least enough to keep your country going forward for a long while.”

“Yes, nice! That’s so awesome! I mean since you said it’s within your lifetime there’s always the possibility that you’d just die like tomorrow or something but uh… I’ll assume you’re too sensible to suddenly accidentally die. And that I’m gonna rule my country awesomely until then.”

“That’s the spirit. I’ll admit I was a bit jealous when Fu told me. I was annoyed since I didn’t expect you cared or that you would work very hard, so I thought it was unfair, but clearly I’m wrong…”

“Nah it’s cool, I don’t work nearly as hard as I should. But I’ll definitely try harder from now on. So yeah, you’ll tutor me then? How to be an actual good ruler? Don’t worry if you’re busy with tutoring Kim or other kids in the class, it’s okay, but–”

“I’ll definitely tutor you, that’s fine! I enjoy tutoring, actually.”

Alix laughed. “Of course you would. You’re a nerd. Anyway, thanks. If you want in return I’ll see what I can do about getting those annoying trade quotas lifted so your country can make more tech yourselves. I know you hate having to buy it off us all the time.”

“Thank you very much indeed! I’m so glad our countries have such peaceful relations, you know.”

“Well duh.” She poked him in the arm. “We’re best friends, aren’t we?”

“Yes, but I don’t just mean that,” he said, poking her in return. “I mean historically we’ve been peaceful too. Unlike Lê Chiến and Agreste, which might cause trouble for Kim and Adrien one day.”

“But they’re friends, aren’t they? Surely they can sort out whatever rift exists?”

“It might be complicated. If one ascends the throne sooner than the other, leading to one side being friendly while the other is still hostile, it might… well, it might turn into a mess. And I’m not sure Kim would be up for dealing with something like that.”

“That’s why he’s got you,” Alix said, grinning. “You can just advise him through whatever happens, right? It’ll be fine.”

“You seem to have a lot of faith that I’ll be able to fix things.”

“Pfff, it won’t be you who fixes things, it’ll be Kim and Adrien. You can just help, since you and Kim are so close.”

Max felt those longing pangs in his chest again. Yes… he and Kim were so close. Just not exactly in the way he hoped.

That reminded him, shouldn’t he use this as an opportunity to be Kim’s wingman? Perhaps properly getting Kim together with someone else would stop Max yearning after him so much.

“Anyway Alix,” he said, “speaking of futures… have you noticed there’s someone in this class who likes you?”

“Well I should certainly hope there are people who like me, I’m not that scary, am I?”

“I meant in a romantic sense.”

“Oh yeah, but trust me, that girl has someone else she’s crushing on way more than me, even I can tell–”

“And I don’t mean Juleka. I mean someone else.”

“Oh.” Alix frowned, tapping her sceptre thoughtfully. “Are you sure? Because I seriously doubt it.”

“I’m sure.”

“Jeez, it’s not you, is it?”

“Of course not,” Max said, chuckling. “I swear I’ve already told you I’m not into girls, other than friends or occasionally adoptive sisters.”

“Yeah, exactly. Who is it then?”

“I’m not telling you.”

“Oh, okay then, whatever. So anyway – I don’t know what days you’re free for tutoring, I’ve got football on Fridays but other than that I could probably squeeze it in any time…”

She seemed oddly unconcerned. Did she seriously not care that someone liked her? And knowing that was the case, how had she not figured out it was Kim? Practically everyone in the class knew at this point! Either she was just oblivious to a ridiculous extent, or she knew and was pretending not to. Max wasn’t sure which, but he hoped he would find out soon.

The spring dance did turn out to be fairly boring. Every guest who entered the room had to be formally announced by name and title, leading to a long queue outside the door. The music that played was slow and dreary, and the only dancers were couples who had actually been trained in how to perform all these courtly dances – there was no improvising allowed here. Everyone who spoke to each other was being as formal as possible, with curtseying and bowing and addressing people by their full titles, even though usually by this point in the year most of the students hardly ever bothered with such formalities.

Max had insisted on going to get drinks for his friends, leaving Kim and Alix alone before they could protest about it. Kim didn’t know what to do – he couldn’t make a move here, at this boring event, so what was even the point? He looked around, trying to think of something to talk about.

Juleka and Rose were over there, just coming off the dance floor where they had been waltzing together. Evidently both of them must have been taught how to dance at some point in their lives. Neither of them had let go of the other’s hand yet…

“Hey Alix,” Kim said, “just wondering, but is Juleka the chick who asked you out to the autumn ball ages ago?”

“Why don’t you ask her yourself?” she replied. “I’m not spilling anyone’s secrets.”

“I bet it was her. Is it like… common for girls to be into other girls? Before I got to this school I didn’t even know it was a thing.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty common,” Alix said, shrugging. “Being a lesbian or bi or whatever, it’s fine. It’s normal. So is guys who like guys, for that matter. I don’t know why other kingdoms don’t talk about it so much. Probably confuses the heck out of the not-straight part of the population.”

“Yeah, it does,” Kim muttered. “I actually… uh… well, at the winter party I kissed Adrien and got pretty confused because I didn’t realize I liked him. I didn’t even realize it was possible. But yeah, I guess I’m into guys too.”

“Good for you.”

“What does that make me? Does it have a name?”

“Um, I guess it just means you’re bisexual? I don’t know, dude, do some research or something, I can’t say what you are for you.”

Bisexual. Huh. Maybe it would be a good idea to research that at some point. There had to be books in the library about it, right? Or maybe he could ask Max. Max would know everything.

“So, um…” Kim wasn’t sure if he should ask or not, but he was curious. “Are you like… into girls? Just out of interest?”

Alix hesitated long enough for Kim to notice.

“Well no, but…”

“But what?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

It certainly wasn’t nothing, that was for sure, but he didn’t ask anymore. Maybe she just didn’t know or something. Anyway, there was something else he wanted to know more. He walked over to Juleka and Rose.

“Hey Juleka, are you the one who asked out Alix ages ago?”

Juleka looked down, shuffling her feet nervously, mumbling something about it having been practise and that she didn’t really mean it.

“Oh, so are you and Rose sweethearts now?” he asked her, looking between them, since they were still holding hands. Juleka shrugged and mumbled something else, her face going as pink as Rose’s dress.

“Prince Kim,” Rose said, frowning, “you really shouldn’t put poor Juleka on the spot like that, especially not in public! You’re lucky I don’t mind either way, but what if I did? Not everyone is so accepting of things like this! Or what if it embarrasses poor Juleka? Or if she doesn’t want to talk about it? You really ought to think a little before you speak, young man!”

“Sorry,” Kim muttered, wanting to kick himself for being so reckless. He thought he had been getting that under control lately!

“Rose!” Juleka said suddenly, her face even pinker, taking Rose’s other hand into hers as well. “What do you mean by saying you don’t mind either way?”

“Oh, my sweet Juleka! I meant I don’t mind if you think of me as a friend or a sweetheart… I think you’re wonderful either way.”

“But Rose, what about your servant boy Ali from back in Lavillant?”

“I barely even know him! But I know you so well now, you’re my best friend after all!”

Juleka shut her eyes tightly and quickly said, “Princess Rose, will you be my sweetheart?”

“Of course I will! Juleka, you’re so cute, if we weren’t at a formal dance right now I would hug you so hard–”

“Oh Rose, you’re… you’re awesome…”

Grinning, Kim swaggered back over to where Alix was standing, watching with a somewhat amused expression on her face.

“I’m the best matchmaker ever,” Kim boasted. “I just got Juleka and Rose together.”

“It was only a matter of time, Kim,” Alix said, trying not to laugh.

“Oh come on, give me a little credit?”

“Nope, those two were literally on the verge of getting together already, even I noticed it, and I never notice stuff like that!”

Kim laughed, but then realized what that meant. If she never noticed stuff like that, well, she would never notice he liked her unless he made it obvious. But every time he considered it, Chloé’s rejection came to mind and… no. It was too nerve-wracking. Maybe he would do it some other day, just not today.

#this whole story is just one long geography lesson so far tbh #royalty au #miraculous ladybug #ml fanfic #le chien kim #max kante #alix kubdel #and also i guess juleka and rose are in this one a bit #random stuff #the misadventures of prince kim #aish writes

[tentiginousteratologist]

❥ 💙 💜

Learn about my muse | Still accepting!

❥: what is my muse’s ideal date?💙: how would my muse handle seeing their object of affection falling in love with someone else?💜: how long might it take for my muse to say “i love you” for the first time?

                                                                            ❥ ❥ ❥                                                       What is my muse’s ideal date?                                                                            ❥ ❥ ❥

Adventures and/or magical activities with minimal other people. Rohais likes the appeal of being completely alone with her partner on mini-honeymoons, especially out in nature (but that's just her love of the outdoors and her hatred of lacking atmosphere talking hahaha).Ideally, it involves some body of water and a treehouse. They'll basically live off of and co-exist with the land around them, but still have some place to retreat to for watching things together and sleeping.Her more commonly used date (when she's not courting and/or when she's comfortable and doesn't really care to go out of her way) is staying in while watching something or reading something or really doing anything that doesn't require moving, all while making some sort of physical contact.

                                                                         💙💙💙           How would my muse handle seeing their crush falling in love with someone else?                                                                         💙💙💙

Hahaha omg. Great timing for this, btw, since one of Rohais' crushes (the Contessa) literally just hooked up with someone else (the Orphaner Redeemed).Rohais' response to this has changed a lot over time. Initially, before she became cynical and jaded about attaching to people in a romantic sense, she could simply find contentment in that someone was making them happy.The big trek downhill began right around when she initiated a pitch relationship with a Porrim who suddenly bailed on her for several months and came back with news she was dating another Rose now (and Rohais had been benched). A few crushes later, the majority of which showed a bit of interest in reciprocation, only to begin dating someone else (usually males or other Roses) and Rohais began to respond to it with annoyance and straight-up brooding (which. Okay, she'd been wronged before, but these were different people, Rohais, and they weren't already dating you).This turned around when her crush of a couple of months, Meenah (who never really exhibited mutual interest) started dating Rohais' moirail, Gamz* - which received a bit more of a "what the fuck" towards Gamz. Following, Rohais stopped actively pursuing just about anyone, and instead embraced flirtation idly while safely attuning to her boyfriend, Brain ghost Dirk*. She liked to pretend her crushes on people simply didn't exist, resulting in her habit to flirt with just about everyone. Still, it's pretending: she's fully aware when she's developed a thing for someone, and any indication contrary is pure denial.Now, when she gets to observe her crushes falling for someone else, she bottles it up and waits to brood - the exact kind of response she seems to have when someone she wants to be friends with seems heavily attached to a preference to have a more intimate relationship.Which.Is unfortunately common.She's working on getting back to the point of just being okay with it, but she's also been going through a lot of insecurities pertaining to what others think of her (a combination of 1. having extremely few friends while feeling like secondary or tertiary friends to them, 2. repeated incidents involving feeling inadequate, unattractive, or purely undesirable, 3. having 'friends' who transparently wanted to have sex with or make out with her but otherwise never even paying her the time of day, and 4. having two other survivors in her timeline - one which just didn't talk to her for 2.5-3 years, and immediately after was constantly in arguments with her - none being part of her original friend group or being closer to her during their projected journey).With the latest case, wherein Contessa (Aradia Peixes) and the Orphaner Redeemed (Karkat Ampora) began dating, it's probably important to note that she's gone through all that and therefore, her response is her effort to make another change. Her crush on Aradia depends mostly (60% probs) on the fact she's extremely lonely and admittedly desperate for attention, preferably positive - which Aradia was really good about providing. The next 35% is purely Aradia's latent charm and how fun it is to talk to her. The next 5% is something Rohais hasn't noticed, which is her habit of developing strong crushes on powerful women in general, but especially tyrian blooded women - she's shadowing the empress, preparing to take the crown (similar to her crush on a fuchsia Nepeta who was already on the throne and her crush on a fuchsia Meenah). That being said, she's keen on not making any waves about this - because Aradia talks to her on a regular basis, and the way they talk hasn't changed at all - meaning she can still potentially forge a strong friendship with her, which Rohais is even more interested in than dating (even though her recent romantic distress kind of shrouds that).Her response to seeing it happen, overall? She sat by, continuing her knitting, simply musing to herself about how she already predicted that would happen the second Karkat told her why he was interested in whether or not Rohais was into Aradia.* It may be of note that these relationships were extremely slow burn. Gamzee and Rohais began dating after a straight year and a couple of months of gradually slipping into the roles, at which point Gamzee was courting Rohais. For her relationship with Brain ghost Dirk, he had developed an interest in her months before she came to reciprocate, and even still, it took some persuading to get her to act on that interest. Ultimately, she would define both of these relationships as ones that seemed to fit, but weren't ever crushes to her.

                                                                         💜💜💜                    How long might it take for my muse to say “I love you” for the first time?             ��                                                           💜💜💜

God. Honestly??? She will resist saying this with all her power and almost absolutely refuse to say it if she really means it. As captured poetically by her ex,"It’s only after you get to know her that you find out about the storm hidden underneath. And underneath that, buried even deeper, is something fragile. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not breakable or weak by any stretch of the imagination. But she cares, more than she lets on, likely even to herself."No, I will never stop quoting that.She adamantly refuses to indicate that she cares about people without making it also seem like it's a joke or a toy for her. This is frequently reflected in how aggressively caring Rohais tends to present herself towards Link, only to repeatedly also suggest that she's just keeping an eye on a future meal - something that, given that he doesn't know her, seems like something he could interpret as her real motivation every time she asks about how he's doing or references her plans to visit.Historically, I can't really say that Rohais has said she loves anyone more than four or five times, split between two people, max. Those two people, for the record, would be Brain ghost Dirk (who pulled her first admission out like he were pulling teeth and repeatedly urged her to say it after actual months of being involved with her romantically), and Dezz (who is the only person who she believes she has a healthy familial relationship with so. platonic love. but it's important love, especially to Rohais who has so many family-related issues) - and I'm not really even sure she's told Dezz that she loves him. She just does, and he's the only other person she probably would have said it to.

#🐈-verse;; Cat Timeshare #long // #incest // #dirkrose // #infidelity // #abandonment // #family issues // #brothers and sisters // #romantic entitlement // #being a literal pissbaby that no one is into her when shes into them // #insecurity // #rejection // #isolation // #SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG IT WAS IMPORTANT OK #itsbrainghostdirk #mertessa #wworries #slatebearer #absonous #gamz #condescendingCalembour #body horror // #teeth horror //