#like have you never interacted with anyone who has slightly problematic opinions or behaviors in a positive manner.... ever??????

[iwanttobepersephone]

Rant about Harry Potter and JK Rowling, stick with me here

Ok, so, I hate JK Rowling. I feel like that's a given, right? Like, she's a transphobic homophobic bigot who hides behind feminism and routinely denies massive parts of the holocaust, and I despise her in ways that I don't think words can even express. I can't stand her, but y'know what I also can't stand?

When someone implies that my mother, who is one of the most supportive people I know, and a massive part of the founding, organization, and actions of a local group made specifically to fight Moms for Liberty and school boards in our area trying to harm trans and queer people, is transphobic because she likes Harry Potter

Wanna know why my mom likes Harry Potter? Because when she discovered the series at 12 years old, she quite literally lived in a cupboard under the stairs and was in an abusive household. The magic of the wizarding world or whatever was her escape, it's the reason she's still alive, and by extension, the reason I was ever alive.

But, sometimes, not even often, when I try to express even the most minimal amount of appreciation of that, someone says to me "but isn't JK Rowling transphobic? Why would you support someone like that? Are you transphobic?"

Which pisses me off beyond belief, as one might imagine

In this situation, "separate the art from the artist" isn't exactly a good phrase to use, given the fact that the goblins or whatever run the bank are Jewish stereotypes and the house elves generally being happy to work under their masters being a straight rip from the whole happy slave myth, and those are very very important things to recognize and understand, among others

I feel like it's a lot closer to "separate the hundreds if not thousands of lives she's helped from the hundreds if not thousands of lives she's ruined", or even better, understand that the good she's indirectly done for people makes all the bad that much more horrid

My mother is the closest thing to a hero in this entire world and I will not stand to hear one more person accuse her of being transphobic purely because she thinks fondly of a book series that saved her life. I will not stand for people saying she's just as bad as a holocaust denier because she owns every book in the series. I will not stand for anyone going entirely against their point of not judging a group as if it's monolithic by saying all Harry Potter fans are bad people, including my mother. And, once again, it's not often at all that this happens, but it happens and I'm pissed about it and needed to rant

Anyways rant over JK Rowling sucks don't believe a single thing she says and don't support her unless you wanna support someone actively trying to make the existence of queer people illegal

#jk rowling #harry potter #screw jkr #screw jk rowling #rants #yeah so I saw one too many “if you like Harry Potter please kill yourself posts” (literal direct f+cking quote from one) and wrote this #like #in what world would saying stuff like that ever be ok #what kind of bubble do you live in where you think that's an actual productive thing to say #like have you never interacted with anyone who has slightly problematic opinions or behaviors in a positive manner.... ever?????? #do you just live in an echo chamber of people who agree with every thought you have to a T???? #difference in opinion and civil disagreements are the things that human understanding and kindness are built on #and saying things like “if you like Harty Potter you should kys” just says that you don't know how to handle that #that's not a good thing #and I know that more than a couple mutuals/followers of mine reblog similar things a lot and I don't wanna give the wrong message #JK Rowling is a horrid horrid person and nothing else could ever be argued #but my for you page is filled to the brim with posts like the ones I've referenced and I'm so mad I feel like crying #angry #angry rant #serious #AGH I just I am so so mad rn #I hate being this mad like outwardly and stuff but like #c'mon guys basic human f+cking understanding and decency can we try and learn that before telling people to kill themselves please

[schmergo]

I’m gonna get a little more serious and personal than I usually am on social media here for a sec, so sorry if this is annoying. Anyway, I never had an actual eating disorder, but, like many young people, I struggled on and off with somewhat disordered eating habits and negative body image for many years. 

Between ages 9 and 20, every year or two, I would suddenly get into a groove of weird restrictive behaviors around food, either because I felt like my life wasn’t going well enough and I needed to be punished, or because I felt like my life was going too well and that I wasn’t pretty enough to deserve it. I would stop for a year or two, and then when it came back, I’d be even more strict with myself.

 For example, for a year in elementary school, I only let myself eat yogurt for lunch, not because I particularly liked yogurt but because I Decreed It Must Be So. For a year in high school, I would throw out my lunch every day and go to the library during lunch time, on the excuse that “you aren’t allowed to have food in the library, and I need to do homework.” And while studying in London in college, I would only let myself eat 800 calories a day. I was only allowed sweets on Wednesday, but no actual meals on that day, just the dessert. I used the excuse that I was trying to save money on food, but calorie restriction isn’t the most efficient way to save money. These are just a few examples of some of the little phases I fell into-- I finally stopped after that last one because I felt so awful  when I came home from that semester and had to eat around other people again that I just went, “Never again.” I still don’t have very good body image, but it’s better, and I don’t do strict rules around food anymore.

I never lost much weight or developed health problems from it, and I was always either a healthy weight or slightly overweight, but I know those weren’t very healthy habits to have. But I guess I didn’t realize that even though the behavior itself wasn’t super extreme, the way it was ingrained into my mind was more insidious and deeply-rooted than I thought.

The reason I mention this is that I recently got into a kick of rereading some of my old writing. I did a TON of writing as a teenager and wrote a lot of book-length stories, many of them fanfiction. Most of my work is fairly humorous, light-hearted, and a lot of it falls into the ‘fantasy’ genre. There are darker themes at times, but the endings are usually happy. I was reading a romantic comedy “book” that I wrote in high school and enjoying the blast from the past when I realized something strange about the narration. It’s written in first person, and the heroine/ narrator is written to be a fairly attractive character-- her friends think she’s pretty, she receives a few compliments on her appearance, and she attracts the interest of at least two dudes in the story. As written, she’s athletic and in good health. 

But the narration CONSTANTLY seems to obsess over food, her appearance, people’s body types, and comparing her body to everyone she interacts with. If she’s eating lunch at the same time as a coworker, she complains in her internal monologue about having to make excuses for her food choices so that her coworker doesn’t judge her for what she’s eating. She makes jokes about a pregnant family member, saying she enjoys hanging out with the pregnant character because she feels skinny next to her. She seems to think she looks horrible and unpresentable when not dressed to the nines and frets over how unflattering her work uniform is. She makes snarky remarks about her best friend’s husband’s weight and constantly seems to feel inferior in terms of appearance compared to her own very athletic boyfriend, thinking other characters are judging her appearance when she’s with him. She both seems to envy and make fun of her skinny best friend’s body. And she talks about food A LOT. At times, she’s so conscious of her appearance and how she looks, even when she’s alone, that you almost feel like she knows she’s in a story and has strangers observing her.

If you had asked me at the time that I wrote it if I intended that character to have body image issues or food issues, I’d say no, she’s just a sarcastic, snarky, funny person who likes to make self-deprecating jokes and that she knows she’s considered conventionally attractive. But reading it seemed honestly pathological-- like, it permeated the entire thing. The comments happened on every page. I didn’t notice at all at the time, and that really tells you where my mindset was. 

I think it can be hard to separate an author’s feelings from a fictional character’s feelings at times. Sometimes when a fictional character has a problematic viewpoint, they’re really a mouthpiece for the author, and sometimes the author intends it to be a negative trait or a biased belief. In this case, I expressed opinions about food and body types that were way harsher than I would ever say out loud in real life or admit to anyone in my life and used a character who, if you asked me, had a healthy and confident attitude toward her body, to express them. I guess I just thought everyone’s internal monologue was like that. I figured attractive people were just as obsessive as I was but better at self-discipline. I honestly believe a lot of the books I read as a teenager may have been written with a similar attitude to mine.

I think I still have a slightly distorted self-image-- for example, at a recent doctor’s appointment, discovered I weigh 30 pounds less than I thought I did-- but I have a much clearer-eyed view of this stuff that I couldn’t see before when I was in the thick of my body issues. When you’re deep in this stuff, not only can you not see your physical shape accurately, you also can’t see your behavior, beliefs, and thoughts for what they really are. It all seems normal.

I’m not sure what point I’m trying to make here, but I do think that the stuff we create can reveal so much more about our own biases, insecurities, and sometimes even harmful beliefs than we’d ever suspect. Those thoughts tend to linger longer than the actions themselves-- I sometimes still think about myself the same way now that I did then, I just don’t let it change my behavior anymore. And like I said, my actions never got so severe that they harmed me physically, but I hope the thoughts that I expressed in my writing, which I published online for people to read, didn’t mess with any other impressionable young people’s self-esteem or habits. Fairly mild mental health issues are especially weird like that-- you don’t really notice the change the way you might with more severe symptoms, and you don’t really think you’re seeing the world or yourself any differently from your peers. It all seems totally normal at the time until you look back.

#tw: body image #body image cw #eating disorder cw #cw: eating disorder #disordered eating cw #tw: disordered eating #writing #weight cw #tw: weight

[rosezure]

Todoroki Family - My Opinion

MANGA SPOILERS FOR BNHA/MHA ahead!

CW: parental neglect and abuse, anxiety, therapy, Touya Todoroki/Dabi, Enji Todoroki/Endeavor, spoilers, swearing (please remind me if I forgot anything).

Disclaimer: All of the information on the Todoroki family dynamics is based on my interpretation of what’s been (so far) revealed through the anime and manga. These are all just opinions, you are free to agree or disagree respectfully. I do not wish to invalidate anyone’s opinion. Family dynamics have always been a very sensitive and triggering subject to me, so I hope that you respect that if you wish to discuss this with me.I would like to give my own two cents on the Todoroki family situation. As someone that has dealt with abuse and neglect in a (slightly) similar way my whole life, this story hits very close to home. I will try to be as thorough and objective as possible. But, feel free to call me out (respectfully) if there is anything ambiguous or if problematic. Thank you.

I am going to focus on Touya/Dabi and Enji’s story. I do not know enough to talk about Rei’s role in all of this, so I will not mention her. But, I might update this as new chapters come out.

I will talk about Dabi’s early years by referring to him as Touya since that was his identity at the time. Any comments about him as an adult will be referring to him as Dabi.

I was a psychology student for about two years, and when we learned about child development, here is what I gathered:

When you are a child, all you want is to be loved, to be safe. This is essential to a child, as it is what develops them into a healthy and independent adult. And, this is especially important concerning parents or guardians. Effective parenting practices ensure that the child will have a better chance at developing according to their age and needs. This will grant the kids skills that they will use and perfect as they grow up. In other words, children that are well-taken care of have a higher chance of being strong, healthy, and emotionally developed adults.

When a parent or guardian is ignorant of how they can impact their child’s growth, it has many negative effects. In Touya’s case, Enji Todoroki was clueless. This does not mean Enji should not be held responsible just because he was ignorant. Enji knew he was not being the best parent, but he did not know how exactly. And, at the time he was blinded by his greed and ambition, so he would not have been paying attention to that. Even so, (personally) I do not think parents are afforded the luxury of ignoring their bad parenting if they are made aware of it. They are responsible for another human’s life and growth. They should be held accountable if the child develops issues and hurts themselves or even others.

With that being said, Enji Todoroki was a horrible but clueless parent. From what I have understood from the manga and the anime, at first, he had no idea why Shoto was so "rebellious" (in his opinion). He also seemed to not understand Natsuo and Fuyumi. So I am led to believe that he was, at the time, oblivious to how much he negatively impacted Touya. 

Touya just wanted his father’s affection. If that meant grueling training and preparing to become a hero to defeat All Might, then so be it. It was the attention and affection he knew. He was not led to believe otherwise. Touya's sole positive interactions came from him showing he could fulfill his father’s sick dream. In a child’s mind, that was the only way to secure parental love and approval: To train as hard as possible and become what his father so desperately wished for.

Then his hair started turning white. He started getting injured because of his quirk. His only source of positive attention, his only hope for affection, was killing him. And it had to be stopped. I am sure in Touya’s mind, this meant he would not be loved anymore. 

And then Enji stopped training him. Natsuo was born. Shoto was born. And Touya felt that his source of love was directed to that baby. The baby that Enji saw as a success. Enji made Touya feel like a failure, a broken toy. And he was being replaced by a newer, shinier one: His brother.

When he tries to attack Shoto, he is trying to take back his place. Touya was trying to gain back his father’s love and attention.

Enji wanted to prevent Touya from hurting himself more. But he failed to communicate that. Instead, his words made it seem like his plan was foiled. Touya wasn’t enough, so Enji’s chance of using him to end All Might vanished. Touya wasn’t what Enji needed anymore.

Touya’s world didn’t collapse all at once. It didn’t even crack all at once. From what I understood, it was a collection of hairline fractures that never healed. It was a dislocated shoulder that was never put back in its place and was left to hang. It was a pounding headache that only grew more and more painful over time. 

When Dabi was born, Touya had been buried in bruises, paper cuts, minor broken bones, chronic illnesses. Touya was killed by exhaustion and pain. He didn’t die at one point, he was dying all along. 

As someone who suffers from chronic issues, I know that the somatization of symptoms and other sources of pain can turn a simple illness into something much more serious. Think of it as a butterfly effect, but all inside one person: Every single negative experience, from both outer and inner sources, all summed and turned into one massive festering wound. 

Touya’s mind was a living open wound, it seems.

So Dabi was born. To seal the wound shut. Clean it? No. Protect it? Maybe.

But this particular type of wound (the psychological, emotional one) if left untreated can become infected. And infected wounds are harder and more painful to clean and treat. 

Dabi’s mind is a bandaid over an infected wound. It seems objectively okay, maybe even sane. But he’s clearly in pain. He’s not in his right mind. His decisions all stem from the pure rage and anger of a child that was abandoned. 

What chapter 300 brought was the perspective of a child that just wanted to be loved. That's all he wanted. And the only love he knew was when Enji Todoroki trained with him, no matter how gruesome and painful it must've been.

I'm gonna briefly and superficially compare his situation to mine. Of course, I didn’t suffer half of the pain he did, and I won't go into any detail as to not trigger myself. But, I only got attention when I was either extremely sick or I was needed as a trophy child of some sort. Even then, if I was ill, the attention I got was so I could get well soon and go back to being "useful". I was an extension of them, at best. But I still craved their attention. I still do in a way to this very day. It's not something that just goes away once you realize how toxic and abusive it is.

No matter how much pain I’m in, no matter how love-starved I am, I still want their approval. Inside me, there’s still a scared child, crying out for her parents to love her. That child is now my responsibility. I have to give her love, nurture her so she can grow with me.

Does that make sense?

I have no idea how Dabi is feeling. And I don’t think we’ll ever truly know. He is fictional, after all, and there’s no telling if Horikoshi will be delving into that.

But maybe Touya is still inside Dabi, crying, screaming to be loved. And Dabi is trying his best to tend to that child, but he never truly grew up to know how to take care of another being. Dabi doesn’t know how to take care of himself emotionally. 

I’m learning because I, thankfully, have access to therapy. But it hurts. It hurts to realize the ones that were meant to take care of you, didn’t. It hurts to look into yourself and see a shaking, teary-eyed child begging for crumbs of love.

Now, with the whole "redemption" thing being debated, here's my own personal opinion. You don't have to agree, and I'm not asking you to. Again, this is just how I view it. As a survivor, I'd be relieved to see my parents try. The damage is done, true. I'll never regain my childhood. I'll never have what people with different, better, parents have. The past can't be reversed. And I'm seeing it repeat itself with my little brother. But, if there's a minimal chance that my parents can own up to what they did, that they open themselves up to changing their behavior and learning, then maybe we can build something new.

Build. Not rebuild. The foundation of our past relationship was rotten from the beginning. A new one must be built. A new foundation must be developed if we ever hope to make something of our relationship.

If the Todorokis, really want to reconcile, reconnect, rebuild, then they must start from scratch. If Enji Todoroki wants that, he’s gonna have to start from zero, from nothing. And I'm not entirely sure if Endeavor is doing that, but he is trying, somehow. We don't know for sure if he even has the emotional skills to do so. We can't say for sure that he's got what it takes to man up, own up and learn. But, he seems to be trying.

And that's something I've accepted I'll never have.

So if there's at least a 1% chance that he is truly trying, that Enji wants to redeem himself, then let him. Let their family try and heal together if that's what they want.

I'm not sure about the Japanese culture when it comes to family. But where I come from, a family is an important base of our personal and social development, to the point that reconciliation more often than not is the best route.

Still, I know it's not for everyone. So I respect you if you believe he doesn't deserve a chance. I understand if you say Enji Todoroki should be kept far away from his family. You're right, and you're valid.

But, please, please, if the author decides that he redeems himself and does try his best to start a new relationship with his family, let him. Let them heal. Together. Let them try and make up for the lost time in the best way in the present. Let them rebuild.

I know I'd give anything to rebuild my family.

Let Touya be healed and put Dabi to rest. Touya needs to be loved, he needs to be taken care of like he never was as a child. Dabi needs to be told he tried. He needs to be told he did what he could. 

But Dabi is also an adult now. He’s got legal responsibilities. The pain and devastation he’s caused and helped cause can’t be overlooked. He needs help, but he also had to be held accountable. 

Touya/Dabi needs to face himself and start over. He needs to face the man he’s become and at the same time take care of the child he wasn’t able to be. 

If the Todoroki family is reconciled, I dearly hope he gets to be a part of this new book. Not a new chapter, they need to throw that whole book away and start a new one. And, if possible, I’d love to see someone like me get the ending I won’t be getting. 

I hope this made some sense at least. Again, if anything is unclear, ambiguous, or problematic, let me know and I’ll do my best to correct or remove the bad parts. If you’ve read this far, thank you. If you share a similar experience, I’m sorry, and I’m here for you. 

#bnha #mha #bnha 300 #bnha 301 #bnha spoilers #bnha discussion #touya todoroki #dabi #enji todoroki #shoto todoroki #todoroki family #fuyumi todoroki #natsuo todoroki #rei todoroki #touya #shoto #endeavor #endeavour

[sebastianshaw]

Hey there @vvithteeth! So, this isn’t EXACTLY what you asked for the readlist to focus on, but I think it’s worth checking out all the same for a general sense of Emma’s history leading up to her current character!

 EVIL 80s EMMA She’s not good reference for who Emma is NOW, but a good look at what she used to be, and what she’s overcome. I think looking at Emma when she was at her worst, helps one appreciate her at her best. If you see what she had to rise above in herself, you understand the self that she’s fighting back, you have a better appreciation for the kinds of things she’s tempted towards---and the kinds of things she no longer does.  X-Men (1st series) #129-131 is her introduction, as she tries to recruit Kitty Pryde to her school before Xavier does. One of the most chilling moments, for me personally, is when she threatens to destroy Storm’s mind so that she will be “human only in physical form” And then Jean drops a house on her, which is why she’s not involved in the Dark Phoenix saga, as she was still recovering.  Emma continues trying to get Kitty and other kids into her clutches in  Uncanny X-Men (1st series) #180 and  New Mutants (1st series) #15-17, but in New Mutants (1st series) #38-40 she finally manages it by exploiting their current fucked-up state and having her student Empath use his powers to manipulate Magneto.  But when the kids decide to return to Xavier’s school, Emma allows them to do so without a fight, and just tells them that they’ll always have a place with her if they need it. Which seems nice, but then her thought balloons reveal that this is just so the kids won’t believe it when Magneto tells them she’s evil. Firestar #1-4: Whoa mama, Emma is at max abusive here. See, she desires to eliminate Selene, and to this end she trains a young mutant she names Firestar. She does so by manipulating the girl, isolating her, convincing her that she NEEDS Emma to help her control her powers or else she’s dangerous to others, and even KILLS HER PET HORSE. Emma is someone who says “I love children. Teaching is my life.” and she MEANS IT, she has a genuine call to teach and her love for her students is her driving force, but here we see how she USED to treat her students. Then put her against who she is now, it’s a huge contrast. Honestly, I don’t know why SOME WRITERS want to erase her growth by pretending she was Actually Good All Along but yeah, here’s Bad Emma. This is who she fights. This is what she has risen above.  EMMA’S BACKSTORY ISSUES Emma’s history is. . . kind of multiple choice. She tells one version in Generation X #24, but this doesn’t fit at all with the Emma Frost miniseries that came out from 2003 -2004, which also doesn’t exactly fit with “X-Men Origins: Emma Frost” single-issue backstory. I personally would read the “X-Men Origins” one and at least the beginning of the miniseries, specifically the parts that deal with her home life. The reason is that both of these show how unhealthy Emma’s home was growing up, and how that made her who she is. When I saw I think Emma is “wired” to be a villain, I don’t mean I think she was born like that, but as in, I think her environment trained her to become like that. It’s kind of like how a lot of personality disorders aren’t something a person is born with, but come from being in a shitty environment where certain behaviors will help you survive better, and then even once that situation is over, you can’t get rid of those behaviors because it’s how your brain is wired now. That’s how I read Emma---she came out of this toxic, duplicitous environment of manipulation and abuse where she and her siblings were set against each other, and that’s now her default for how she interacts with the world, even though she was originally just a sweet little nerd who only wanted to be a teacher. The “Origins” one features a generic Shitty Abuser Shaw and isn’t as good as the more drawn-out miniseries, as it focuses more on physical abuse (like her father suddenly slapping her) to get a point across that her family is toxic, rather than the more drawn-out miniseries, which I think works better for explaining Emma’s specific brand of. . .Emma-ness. But the bit where her mother tells her that her father is hardest on her because he likes her most of all, is really important I think, since that reflects her relationship later with the Hellions, which is also shown in this. Because Emma is cruel to the Hellions, even though she loves them, and in fact because she loved them. Her love for them and her agony over their deaths is what drives her to join the X-Men in the first place.  As for which origin story is true. . .I think the miniseries one is probably MOST true, as it’s the only one that Emma herself isn’t telling as a story. But as the friend who helped me assemble this list puts it, “ Think of any origin story of Emma's as "a sort of fairy tale, a parable," where it's the theme that matters, not the precise events or timeline “ 90s EMMA Emma spent most of the 90s teaching Generation X. I don’t remember a lot of stuff for specifically what I’m talking about with her, but here are a couple issues that strike me as significant. Uncanny X-Men (1st series) #311-314: In  Uncanny X-Men (1st series) #281-284, the Hellions were killed and Emma Frost was left in a coma, her body taken care of by the X-Men. This is when she wakes up, takes over Iceman’s body, and goes on a rampage thinking she’s the prisoner of the X-Men. When she finds out what happened to her Hellions, she collapses in despair and turns herself over to the X-Men. This is her turning point. This is when we found out Emma Frost had a soul. That she LOVED the Hellions. That they were not just tools. And there’s this one line in the yellow narrative boxes that really sticks out: “As the Hellfire Club’s White Queen, she spent the better part of her life traversing from one mind to another, violating the very essence of anyone she so chose. Losing herself in the memories of others. Altering, at times, the opinions of those who opposed her. This time is different. This time it is about survival. This time. . .it’s for the children.” The words are echoed when she agrees to join Krakoa's Quiet Council, after Charles and Erik tell her their plan and convince her it might just work. "One more time, then. For the children." Emma’s true love, in my opinion, isn’t Scott. Nor is it Namor. It’s teaching.  Emma becomes the teacher to Generation X, as mentioned, and in Generation X (1st series) #18-19, during the Onslaught crisis, she’s so terrified of losing them like she did the Hellions, that she snapped, took the kids to a safehouse in Canada, and put them under her telepathic control for their own safety. This is an Emma who has learned that abusing her students isn’t the right way, but still doesn’t respect their autonomy or consent even as she’s desperately trying to protect them, and has to learn from Monet (who is. . . .actually not Monet) that this isn’t the right way to do it either. Emma did not grow up with adult models who showed her how to love and care for a child, she has to figure it out herself, and it’s a rocky journey at times, even though she has the best of intentions. I think this is a good issue to show an Emma who is in the process of evolving. She’s getting better, but she still hasn’t got it “right” yet.  CURRENT-ERA EMMA Emma really becomes the Emma we know with Grant Morrison’s New X-Men in the early 2000s. This is where she starts affecting a British accent, calling everyone darling, and the delightfully witty Queen of Mean while also still a devoted teacher with trauma over losing her students. She always was witty and a little mean, but Morrison takes these traits up to 11 and gives Emma the foundation of what a lot of writers would build upon. It’s also when she begins her telepathic affair/seduction of Scott, which is a more than slightly problematic dynamic, as I’ve discussed. Also, this is when she got her now-famous diamond form.  We get a lot of lovely Emma nastiness in this series. New X-Men #128-139 all have lots of great moments for her where she’s just WICKED yet still on the side of the angels, and New X-Men Annual 2001 starts us off.  However, character-wise, I think what really comes out here is Emma going from blaming her past actions on substances (she tells Scott in the New X-Men Annual 2001 that she just probably out of her mind on drink and drugs all those times she was doing bad things) to being forced to face her past and herself for the first time when confronted by Jean & the Phoenix in New X-Men #139. It’s the first time we get a look at what Emma’s family and home life was like, as well as the first time she’s established as having a brother, but more than that is the emotion that gets brought in. This is also when Morrison decided to retcon the Hellfire Club as a strip joint (which I hate and also shows up in Emma’s “Origins” story) but that’s neither here nor there. The point is, Jean makes Emma face all her flaws and pain and nasty, most vulnerable parts of herself.  Emma is left mentally broken...then one page later, physically, shattered by a diamond bullet that we later find out was fired by none other than Esme, the Stepford Cuckoo whom Emma later says reminded her most of herself. There is definitely poetic symbolism there. As my friend put it “This cycle of her students dying and Emma losing it and trying again but never facing the roots of her issues goes on and on until her roots literally kill her, and Jean of all people resurrects her. Jean, who saw right through Emma, saw something there worth saving, and literally and metaphorically put her back together again.” The next place I’d go is Astonishing X-Men, which is the first time Emma and Kitty work together. Kitty HATES Emma at this point, because, as she points out, Emma is the villain in her origin story. And Emma KNOWS this. That’s why she WANTS Kitty there. She knew that Kitty would keep an eye on her, wouldn’t trust her, and that’s what Emma WANTS, because Emma doesn’t trust HERSELF. So this shows that Emma KNOWS her moral compass is a very flawed one, and that she WANTS to be better so consciously that she’s getting someone she knows doesn’t like or trust her to be around because she knows she’ll watch her like a HAWK. This also means Emma is admitting she can fail, and giving some control to someone else.  There’s. . . so much that happens from here. Utopia. Phoenix Five. The Terrigen Mists shit. Secret Empire. I feel like there are probably great Emma readlists out there that include these, but honestly I just kinda zoned out through a lot of it. These are some additional read lists for her I found: https://lornahs.tumblr.com/post/87230882649/where-to-start-reading-emma-frost-lets-start  https://www.reddit.com/r/comicbooks/comments/2bwwok/emma_frost_reading/  It’s definitely a LOT and I wish you the best of luck tackling it! Also, I wouldn’t feel you have to read EVERYTHING, or incorporate everything into your depiction. Pick and choose what you feel works best for your version!

#out of shirt #readlist

[battlestar-royco]

Considering my place in the anti community

So, I know that might be an alarming title, but rest assured I don’t see myself deactivating or ceasing discussion of SJ/M’s books any time soon. But a lot of things have led me to the decision to explicitly veer my blog in another direction. I’ve said more than once before that I made this blog around May of 2018 as a joke between me, myself, and I, as a way to vent my disappointments with the T0G and AC0TAR series into this dumb blue void. I kid you not, I literally did not expect anyone to interact with me at all, and aside from mutuals on my main, I’d never been sent an ask in all the (then) six years I had a Tumblr. I didn’t expect to meet and befriend such a passionate, salty, visionary, thoughtful community. A little over a year later, I’m interacting with too many people to keep up with, I find myself being tagged and reblogged by reputable bloggers with way bigger followings from all over Tumblr’s diversity-forward fandom communities, and I even have run-ins with anon hate and stan ridiculousness every so often. The anti community as I know it has been a welcoming home that has taught me so much. That being said, there are a few reasons I want to slightly switch gears. So here goes. This is a long one, so thanks for sticking it out, if you make it to the end.

What will remain and what will change?

More will stay the same than will change. I will still absolutely be answering asks about YA books and SJ/M, and I will be posting about the issues within them and how I think they could have gone better. I will also still be tagging such things as anti. I really enjoy discussing the nitty gritty of characters, worldbuilding, and how all that coincides with the handling of diversity and feminism in the books. This type of discussion is, I think, how I gained most of my following, so I don’t want to turn my back on you. Also, in the near future, I mainly just want my blog to be a place where diverse representation across all identity vectors and forms of media, especially fantasy books, is a focus. I want people to feel they can talk earnestly about their issues with xyz representation and/or discuss diversity struggles they come across with their own writing.

I feel like the anti community stagnates periodically and we devolve into cold wars with stans, picking apart miniscule details of the books, scouring SJ/M’s social media, repeating ourselves, or other similar activities. Going forward I want to reduce the conversations that are founded in pettiness or insulting other Tumblr users or SJ/M for things that honestly have nothing to do with the books, the YA/publishing community, or problematic behavior. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things worth discussing re: problematic author/stan behavior, but it’s easy to lose sight of the reason for antis to exist in the first place. On to reasoning:

1. The connotation.

This is something many of you know about me as well, but it bears repeating: I never hated SJ/M’s books. My blog is a result of my passion and enjoyment of the earlier books twisted into disappointment. I wouldn’t have bothered making a blog about these books if I hated them from start to finish. I wouldn’t have made an “anti” account if I’d felt that my opinions would be accepted among stans. I felt there was a lack in both the anti and stan community for my experience, so I’m here to give voice to that. Although I started out talking about the negatives, I don’t think my blog has ever fit most people’s idea of “anti” on this site. There are a lot of truly toxic anti communities all over Tumblr who exist just to shit on creators and fans or to be negative out of spite, and I really have never identified with that desire, nor have I tried to exhibit that behavior. But thanks to worst of the worst on this site, anyone who calls themselves anti is automatically associated with that. I also think as a whole, every SJ/M anti is doing completely different stuff with their own blogs. We’ve got book cover criticism, opinions and advice about publishing, T0G rewrite projects, shitposts, etc. I myself started expanding months ago into providing writing advice on diversity and generally writing meta. It’s not a group of angry people yelling slurs at each other like I’ve seen other anti communities do, so I don’t think it’s the right label for me.

2. Stans.

This goes a bit with the connotation point. I feel like, especially because of how I’ve branded myself and because of antis who preceded the current batch, stans really have no idea what I’m about. I have always been clear that I do not wish to attack them or their enjoyment of/engagement with the books. And yet I’m constantly being vagued about, having my words twisted, or having my arguments and blogging style very purposely, transparently ignored/misinterpreted/ridiculed in said vague-blog posts. All this despite stans’ frequent claim that they ~never~ go into anti tags or check out our blogs, and despite their other frequent claim they don’t believe in the anti/stan divide and that we’re more alike than not. I agree that this divide is dumb, but it’s kind of hard to distance myself from it while constantly being thrown under the bus by SJ/M BNFs. I don’t mind anyone viewing or interacting with my posts, because transparency and all, but it’s tiresome to constantly defend myself because I’m being misrepresented by accounts that are 4, 5, 6 times bigger than mine who either don’t know how I run my blog or purposely mischaracterize me. I can’t control other people’s behavior and I don’t want to, but this is a change I’m making for my own mental health and to promote better behavior among both communities, and I hope others follow suit.

3. Things I’ve handled poorly and how I want to do better.

Anyone with an ask blog for a minute inevitably acquires their share of public fuck-ups. I can think of a few instances in which I would have handled a situation differently. For example, a few months ago the community as a whole was asked to expand our conversation to more than just presenting SJ/M and Bardugo as foils, and I wish I’d been less defensive there. That day made me think a lot about the way I carry myself on this blog and how limited the conversation can sometimes be. I really do appreciate any and all criticism for the community, and looking back, I feel like my reaction to that didn’t go along with the way I usually try to handle criticism. I think it would be good to try and, like OP said, infuse more book promotion into my blog in general, to try to support and read more books by marginalized authors in the future so we can discuss them more thoroughly here.

In closing/TL;DR:

This isn’t inspired by any particular event or person, but rather a lot of things that have happened in the past several months on Tumblr, in the world and the media, and in my personal life. It’s not a change that was inspired out of negativity, but more out of trying to generate a more positive framework for my Tumblr activity and seeing how I can effect change through this blog. I’m still here for rants, masterposts calling out problematic books and characters, pretty much all the book talk I was doing before. This is just a really long-winded announcement that I want to expand my blog to a general spot for discussing diversity in media. Thank you so much for sticking it out if you made it all the way down here. Here’s to improving ourselves.

#anti sjm #polysorscha

[marriedthedark]

Do you give your two cents on comparing shipping parties? If not, disregard my ask. If so, I will continue. I have been in the BB community and it used to be happy until different factions have formed and BB shippers started blocking each other due to different opinions like some have given up on it being canon while others still hope they would still become canon. After the Arryn twitter incident about BMBLB, that's my cue to change sides I guess. (1)

Because that’s when people are harassing the poor VA and now DEMANDING the ship to be canon. As much as I hate BS, I tried hanging out in their community for a change to see their views on the matter. Even if their community is small, they are united and they actually voice positive stuff about the incident. They are violent as heck but they aren’t toxic. They are actually friendly if you get to know them. They’re frank and open. I feel much more peace with them. What are your thoughts about the two parties?

Sorry this is probably way longer than you would’ve wanted.

In my eyes the biggest difference between the BS and the BB fandoms is the treatment of each ship’s “rivals” within the shipping communities aka how Sun is treated in the BB community versus how Yang is treated in the BS community. In every shipping community I’ve seen in r\/\/by I’ve never seen any specific character collectively hated and shit on to the same extent that I’ve seen Sun hated in the BB community. It’s one thing to criticize the way he is written (and there are MANY valid criticisms to be made) and a completely different thing to bitch and scream every time he looks in Blake’s general direction. The way Sun’s character is completely villianized whenever he does anything that may be even slightly problematic while Yang can literally do the exact same thing and nobody gives a shit is by far my biggest frustration with the BB fanbase.

For example, when Sun asked RWY if Blake was being “Blakey” in V2 I saw (and still see) BB shippers claiming this is proof that Sun is “selfish” and “disregards” Blake’s problems and mental health. Meanwhile a few episodes earlier when Weiss called Blake out on her being “quiet antisocial and moody” and Yang just shrugged it off with a “Uh, have you met Blake?” nobody gave a shit about that. Or when Sun followed Blake to make sure she didn’t try taking on the WF alone many BB shippers said that it was “not respecting boundaries which is horrible to do to an abuse victim” which is a completely valid point. But when Yang raises her voice at Blake and shoves her against a desk when she’s too weak to properly defend herself that’s apparently fine to do to an abuse victim. This isn’t about trying to make Yang out to be a malicious chracter (because she isn’t), but it’s pointing out the huge double standards a lot of BB shippers have towards her compared to Sun.

BB shippers at their worst want Sun (and in some cases his entire team) dead every time he interacts with Blake which is super hypocritical considering the fact that they’ll parade the “We want representation!!1!” card around trying to pass off their desires as being more noble than others yet in the same breath they’ll turn around and wish that one of the few relevant sources of PoC representation in the show is killed off. BS shippers at their worse are indifferent towards Yang and she will never be treated with the same disdain as Sun in the BB community.

Besides the constant demonization of Sun, the overwhelming entitlement complex that a lot of BB shippers seem to have is also very irritating. Even before the whole bmblb fiasco many of the shippers acted as if the crwby was obligated to make BB canon because they have the most fans and it pisses me off to no end how that behavior still continues. YOU. DON’T. DECIDE. WHAT. HAPPENS. IN. THE. SHOW. This is by no means specific to BB shippers as fandom entitlement is extremely prevalent throughout this website, but BB shippers are the only shipping fanbase I’ve seen within the r\/\/by fandom who have this complex to such a large extent. Somehow RT saying “Yes there will be at least one gay character” got translated over to “Yes Blake and Yang will be romantically canon” and as such many shippers feel the only valid source of LGBT+ representation the show can have is through BB becoming canon which is a huge middle finger towards any mlm, trans, ace, non-binary. ect. fan hoping they’ll get to see themselves in the show. Hell, a different team r\/\/by ship could happen down the line like FB or LB or one of the girls could be confirmed queer without having her get into a relationship and these bastards would still complain because apparently LGBT+ representation isn’t valid unless it involves their favorite ships/characters becoming canon.

What’s worse are the shippers who try to twist being against BB as being an Attack on Gay Women™ especially when they’ve harassed Arryn, an openly bisexual woman, over BB not being confirmed (something she literally has zero control over) or how they harassed a popular wlw artist out of the fandom for daring not to ship BB (even though her otp is still a f/f ship) just to give a few examples. Or how anyone who criticizes/dislikes BB is assumed to be homophobic even if they’re fucking LGBT+ like myself. Don’t fucking act like you speak for all the wlw in the fandom when you’ve alienated/harassed many of us away from your ship to the point where some of us now consider BB a notp despite the ship itself being completely fine.

BS shippers do have issues that piss me off as well (internalized/outright homophobia from heteros who conveniently ship BS being the biggest), and I will say recently the behavior of the BS community has gotten worse, but the outright terrible behavior towards others in the fandom/the crwby is few and far between compared to what has been going on in the BB community for YEARS now. With the constant bashing of BS from BB shippers it’s no damn surprise the behavior of the BS community has gotten worse. Until I see a collective attitude in the BS tags that involve demonizing Yang as an individual character for doing anything remotely problematic while praising/ignoring when Sun does something similar and wanting Yang dead every time she interacts with Blake I’m not going to say BS shippers have sunk as low as BB shippers.

#rwde #asks #as usual if this doesn't apply to you as a shipper then there's no reason to take personal offense #for anyone about to post something about not ALL shippers

[aroyalpaininthecass]

God I just…I love Kaworu Nagisa. I wrote out my ideas discussing a lot of the ideas around his character and Shinji I had while reading the manga and watching the anime - so huge spoilers for both below. This is just me trying to explain the crazy nonsense that is Kaworu Nagisa to myself, trying to answer my own questions about the intricacies of what in the world is happening here, and it got longer the more I tried to figure it out.

Kaworu Nagisa is complex.

It’s incredibly easy to love anime!Kaworu - he’s kind and self-sacrificing if a little mysterious, and comes to Shinji in the time when he needs someone the most, and Shinji takes to him like a duck to water. But manga!Kaworu is a very different character, but I love him all the same, for the different perspective he brings to the story, and what he teaches Shinji because of it.

The river that runs through the story is, essentially, the society’s problems are based on the fact that everyone is so conscious of their relationships and expectations that they can no longer be honest about what they need for fear of hurting one another. The direct symbol I see of this is the use of the AT Field, which is described as “the light of the soul” and “a sacred province inviolatable to anyone”. The AT Field is used to deflect physical attacks from the pilots - which I believe is also a metaphor used to represent the way we defend our fragile hearts against others’ expectations and desires of us that we may not agree with, to keep ourselves from getting hurt.

But enter Kaworu - the immortal in a mortal’s body, with none of the fears that are conditioned into a mortal. His self is not finite, at least, not permanently so, and while he is destructible, he’s not limited to the same plane of existence we are. Because of this, he does not experience fear the way we do.

At worst this results in childish, rude behavior that runs roughshod over others with no consideration of their feelings. At best, he can understand what should be emotionally charged situations with clear and unbiased pragmatism. This allows him to freely and candidly address (however clumsily) problematic issues that even the beholder struggles to acknowledge, usually insecurities they won’t even admit they have to themselves. He brings these issues right out into the open and feels absolutely no shame, much to the chagrin of others.

He’s doesn’t think about the consequences of his actions because he has never had to. But, he does make solid progress in learning, however small. For instance, the example of his introduction to Shinji/the starving kitten. As an immortal being, those limits I spoke about earlier don’t allow him to value life the same way the Lilim do, and sees the action of killing the suffering cat as merciful. At the end of he and Shinji’s interaction during their final battle, Kaworu pressures Shinji into killing him and cites this example to convince him to do so. He acknowledges that life is a precious thing to the mortal Lilim, and by doing so he is able to convince Shinji that what he is doing has a meaning of love, and not one of hate, as is usually tied to the action of extinguishing a life.

He doesn’t have fear, but he is aware of the limits of his conditions, both for his position with Seele and his now mortal existence. So, he just casually plays along because he actually seems to enjoy the assignment, reporting on the emotions he observes from other people around him, though he focuses on Shinji (it never explains why Shinji is his assignment, however, has anyone figured this out?).

As far as Kaworu’s emotions go, very little else affects him besides Shinji. He is rife with petty jealousy towards Rei when Shinji expresses his concern for her (though he doesn’t seem to like her much in general…), and is full and straight-out begging for Shinji’s emotional intimacy toward the end. He isn’t afraid of failure, death, the burden of the future - because none of those things are permanent/applicable to him. What is so important about this little mortal nothing-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things-Lilim that it gives the God pause?

As we learn from the Twisted Night chapter, he channels Rei’s feelings for Shinji through him - they are never named specifically as love, or if it was implied, what kind of love it was - and for how Kaworu described it, it sounded more like grief, given how he said it felt “sickly” and he was crying at the time. Therefore, I have a hard time believing he is channeling Rei’s feelings from that instance as he would not have learned his possessive appreciation/fondness from that that he displays - moreover, he shows interest in Shinji far before this instance as well.

I think it really may be that Kaworu understands Shinji far better than he lets on. He comes to understand Shinji as an example of the human condition I described, of putting on a good outward persona for the sake of fitting in and gaining acceptance from others.He may be fascinated by this race that wants what they are most afraid of, and Shinji is the prime example. I think he is eventually taken with how pure Shinji’s base desire is, which turns into his devotion. 

I want to say that manga Kaworu definitely experiences a desire for romantic love with Shinji, as he expresses his desire for emotional intimacy with Shinji as well as physical attraction, due to his CPR stunt where he got a little carried away, as he likely didn’t know how else to deal with the first time he could feel such things. Anime Kaworu however, I think has a consummate love for Shinji. This is due to the fact he suggested they sleep together (passion, come on guys he knows what he was asking, with that tone of voice? pls), listens to Shinji and in genuinely concerned with his feelings when he vents (intimacy), and when he sacrifices his race for the Lilim based on Shinji’s actions? (commitment).Through the whole series, they never label his feelings at all - but I say, if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck…must be a duck. Right?

After finishing the story I was thinking about what his role in the grand story was. I mean, after his exit, he doesn’t really get addressed much anymore. He is last featured in a collage of other memories, a picture of their conversation on the beach. Kaworu was grasping at his last straws trying to get Shinji’s attention. As it was in the context of remembering all that had gone before to come to his final decision, I wonder if we are supposed to take this as a suggestion that he regrets his decision not to let him in?

His final decision has to do with the realization that he’ll take humanity the way it is, rather than his idealized version, because even though it is hurtful and problematic, it helps everyone retain their individuality and that the pleasure is worth the pain. So, maybe he wishes he could have accepted Kaworu then, because now he’s willing to accept the pain that might come with any change to their relationship in the future.

Shinji has always cared what other people think of him, and has always been mindful to be as polite as possible, to make good grades to appease his family, and stays quiet and out of the way (his iconic earbuds) so as not to offend. He has applied these social constructs to fit in and be loved by others, friends and family alike. But they have failed. Each time, either he gets completely used or rejected by others that are either selfish or are afraid to be hurt themselves.

To Shinji, Kaworu is taller, slightly older/more mature-looking, handsome, though marked by coloring oddities that indicate he’s otherworldly. Personality-wise, he cares very little about what others besides Shinji think about him. When he gets emotional though, he doesn’t mind his P’s and Q’s - he does and says exactly how he feels right away, even if he offends. Again, he’s never needed to care about anyone else so he doesn’t have these manners - but that makes him raw, pure, genuine, and honest to a fault.

I think these are all qualities Shinji is attracted to - it’s easy to fall for someone  when they are everything you wish you could be. But doing so makes him that much more aware of his insecurities, because he doesn’t think he can attain these qualities for himself. He’s never been able to stick up for himself before. He doesn’t feel worthy of Kaworu when he can’t even respect himself. Kaworu’s insensitive, unaware behavior is a double-edged sword as well, and usually the combo of the two PLUS the human condition mentioned before keeps him from responding to Kaworu, despite his hounding efforts.

For this reason, it is important to Shinji’s development as much as the plot that Kaworu leave him, as the Mentor is wont to do. (Hero with 1000 Faces anyone?). Through Kaworu, he learns who he wants to be. If his relationship with Kaworu remains as it is, instead of actually achieving the personal growth, Kaworu becomes a crutch instead.

There is some credence to the idea that Kaworu is the embodiment of unconditional love - the only thing that keeps me from agreeing completely is that, he expresses frustration when he cannot have what he desires, and also because he expresses jealousy when Shinji doesn’t return his attention/expresses interest or concern for someone else. These are a mark of selfish desires, which present a condition. In my personal belief, I don’t think we see the proof of that kind of label because their time together is cut short immediately after that - we do not know whether Kaworu would have given up completely after that, or if he’d continue to love Shinji even if he can no longer hope for any requisition. As we don’t have the answer, we may not be able to know.

If I have gotten something completely and utterly wrong, or didn’t address something, or maybe if you think I don’t know some really extremely important detail, as you can see I am a total nerd for this character and I would totally love to hear your opinion/ interpretation! the story is pretty thick and unclear where this character is concerned and I am always interested in hearing more. Thanks for reading my behemoth of a fangirling session!!

#my thoughts and feelings on kaworu nagisa. trying to figure this dude out once and for all #as i wrote i just thought of more questions for myself to discuss and answer so it got crazy long #kaworu nagisa #shinji ikari #kawoshin #nge #neon genesis evangelion #evangelion