#last prisoner project

[dontmean2bepoliticalbut]

#us politcs #twitter #jamira burley #metaverse #mark zuckerberg #restorative justice #last prisoner project #war on drugs #non violent drug offenses #2021 #tweet

[settlercolonialismisbad]

Word from the front line of the US war on cannabis.

#cannabis clemency #last prisoner project #end prohibition now #cannabis justice #abolish prisons

[pwrn51]

The most powerful woman in cannabis

  Today’s guest is Tahira Rehmatullah who is a partner at Highlands Venture Partners, Co-Founder and CEO of Commons, and member of the board of directors for Akerna Corp and Last Prisoner Project. Tahira is often referred  to in the trade press as “The most powerful woman in cannabis.” Tahira Rehmatullah and Akwasi Owusu-Bempah are Authors and Writers of the book, “Waiting to Inhale”: Cannabis…

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#Betsy Wurzel #cannabis #cannabis criminal justice reform #Cannabis Legalization #Last Prisoner Project #Medical Marijuana #Tahira Rehmatullah #The Fight for Racial Injustice. #University of Toronto

[cannabisbusinessexecutive]

Steve DeAngelo is Listening (to the Plant)

Steve DeAngelo is Listening (to the Plant)

Steve DeAngelo’s paternal responsibilities as “The Father of the Legal Cannabis Industry” – as Mayor Willie Brown Jr. famously christened him – are far from done, and in fact have entered a critical phase. To hear DeAngelo explain the situation, the process of creating a legal cannabis industry got off to a flawed start and needs to be corrected for the industry to not just fulfill its national…

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#Harborside dispensary #Jamaica #Last Prisoner Project #Steep Hill Labs #Steve DeAngelo #The ArcView Group

[harukapologist]

rambling about Haruka

As an ND person I just hate how Haruka's character is either completely infantilized or reduced to a selfish, evil murderer, when, to me, he is so much more than that.

Especially the latter; I hate when any MILGRAM character is called evil because what's the point of MILGRAM, then? They're all morally grey! That's how they test us. But Haruka in particular because I feel like it comes from a place of ableism, intentional or not.

I'm not sure if I should put TWs, but well I talk about ableism, murder (obviously lol), childhood trauma and well... it's Haruka

Haruka's outburst in the VD and his implication of killing animals (I know it's basically canon but erm... i can explain why I think it's an implication later) (i just finished writing the post and actually i explained why at the bottom of the post but its not a full explanation so lol) are the reasons I see people calling him either evil or childlike, and while I do think that Haruka is stuck in a childlike state in some aspects, this is emotional dysregulation of an ND and/or traumatized person, to me.

The uglier sides of being ND/traumatized, the ones that get heavily stigmatized and seen as intentional or evil; I think this was a display of one of them. And I really wish to see more people focusing on Haruka's disability in the ways it can affect his communication and day-to-day life skills more than "oh, poor baby, he has a disability that makes him feel unwanted" without actually understanding the details of the disability and, well, the reason why it is a disability.

Like, the emotional dysregulation that comes with being autistic, which is my headcanon for him. The hyperempathy and literal thinking that might make him harder to communicate with, and get people frustrated with him more often.

That and being severely neglected; I think neglect is one of the lesser discussed forms of childhood trauma and the fact that Haruka was shown to be neglected as well as abuse really means a lot to me, because I think some people don't quite understand just how much neglect and isolation fucks you up.

All those factors combined are a recipe for an unstable, impulsive, clingy shell of a human, and him getting called evil for that really saddens me. It's important to remember that these MVs are extracted from the prisoners' own memories and thoughts. It comes from their perception of their surroundings, their murders, and their own selves. The manic look that Haruka has on his face for a lot of AKAA, for example. The makeshift shirt he's wearing, as if he's desperately trying to sew himself together into a normal person, the exhausted, frustrated look when he picks up the necklace, it's important to remember that this is how he sees himself. A monster who has lost control of himself. The line "I'll keep killing to be your good boy" was a shock, but the way he meekly apologized to Es at the end of his VD, I really think that shows that he feels guilty, that he wants to convince himself more than anyone that he was a good person, that he was really trying to be one despite how his unlucky life frustrated him to his breaking point.

As for his infantilization, it has already been addressed by many thoughtful members of the fandom and I'm grateful to see that, but I also want to say it myself since god knows I hate being patronized.

It feels very ableist saying he's just "someone stuck in a childlike mindset/age regressor" Yes, and how does age regression as a coping mechanism develop? Usually through prior trauma that makes you "stuck" at said age, and that can present differently. It can be longing and yearning for a simpler time, for an actual happy childhood, or having flashbacks to a traumatic event that happened at a certain age; it is not uncommon for trauma survivors to be "frozen" at the age their trauma took place.

I think both of these are the case for Haruka. Frozen at that moment, but trying to reduce himself to nothing but a little, unaware child to avoid reliving it again, relishing in the innocence and purity of his good younger times (emphasis on purity--Haruka's murder was by strangulation, yet there's a shot in AKAA where he's covered in blood. I know it's after he killed the animals, but he's in the stitched-together outfit here; I think there's more to this MV than just killing the animals. Since this outfit is... not very likely to be worn in reality, did the animal killing happen at all? Even if it did, I think this shot remains an indicator that he sees himself as impure; guilty. I have a LOT to say about the inconsistencies in Haruka's MVs, but I'll save that for later... Anyway, back on topic) It is NOT "having the mental capacity of a child, so being unable to date etc." Haruka has still lived 17 years, maybe even more, since he isn't too interested in remembering his age. How do you treat actual neurodivergent people if this is how you see him?

When I rewatch the MVs, relisten to the VDs, reread the interrogations and timelines, I see no evil, just an incredibly broken, misunderstood person.

#please excuse any inconsistencies or spelling mistakes its almost 5am ive been awake all night lmaooo #im open to discussion but pls be nice :( #im a relatively new milgram fan (got into it just when ILY MV came out—got hyperfixated oct/nov) so please inform me if I say anything wrong #i love haruka so so much aaugh #i will defend him till my last breath #milgram #sakurai haruka #milgram project #haruka sakurai #jay rambles bleh idk #should i even tag this #i feel so scared to share my thoughts on the milgram prisoners AAA i hope everything makes sense

[prisoner-000]

TETO HALF MILGRAM COVER. CHECK IT OUT. HEART EMOJI

#milgram #milgram project #synthv #kasane teto #vocaloid #WHATEVER i just want this to upload at last holy crap #first ever synthv cover babyyyyy uouuuughh teto lite you are making mw struggle #prisoner's ramblings #007 #Youtube

[greatunironic]

tagged by @aidaronan for wip wednesday, and i'm two days late, but figured i'd use to publicly debut a bit of my steddie big bang, which will be podficced by the lovely @daysarestranger!

proudly introducing: scheming on a thing, a story about seven letters, the worst love song ever written, and a heist.

He cracks open the well worn spine of Return of the King once again, and stares at the Polaroid he’d used to mark his place before he’d left. It’s the Party, and the rest of the monster hunting crew of Hawkins as background dressing, and most of them are crammed onto the sofa at Steve Harrington’s place back in ‘87, right after Max got out of the hospital and right before the Harringtons sold the place. She grins from the center of the picture, sat in her wheelchair in pride of place, with her murky eyes magnified behind coke bottle glasses, with the boys and Jane Hopper draped over her and the couch haphazardly. Nancy Wheeler and Robin Buckley are sitting on the back of the couch, laughing at something Argyle, who Eddie’s heard a lot about but never got to truly meet, said, and Joyce Byers and Jim Hopper are off together to one side, whispering, probably, framed in a open doorway. On Nancy’s left, also on the back of the couch, Jonathan Byers is rolling his eyes, a hand raised to beckon, at the blur of someone else’s body trying to duck back into frame in time to be in the picture. Eddie’s index and middle fingers hover over the swoop of unfocused, dark hair. His heart beats in his chest, his lungs expand and contract, and he can’t decide if the precipice it feels like he’s standing on is freedom or suicide. He can’t stop thinking about Chrissy, never really stops, always sees her on the backs of his eyelids, and isn’t that punishment enough? To relieve it? Every night, and every day, she haunts him. He doesn’t — He doesn’t think he has it in him, to do this again. To sit through another government funded nightmare, because surely that’s what this is, and to think that everything will be okay. To get his hopes up, to believe. To wish for the happy ending. Eddie the Banished no more — now Eddie the Free. But even if he gets out, will he ever stop being a prisoner to this?

#wip wednesday #(but late) #steddie big bang project at last revealed #aka a story about eddie in prison #also a story that owes a lot to the greatest television show ever aired #that's right #leverage!!

[0509-brainrot]

0509 DAY WOOOOOOO THEY'RE IN LOVE

bonus teehee (+alternate version cuz I was Stuck)

#milgram #milgram project #mikoto kayano #shidou kirisaki #0509 #0905 #my art #can you tell that i can't/don't draw backgroundshduobhose #don't ask me where they are what matters is it's Not in prison and they're Dating #also SHUSH i'm technically Not horrifically late it's still may 9th over here and probably several Other places #i was gonna make a last drawing with mikoto looking gay but i ran out of both time and energy so you get tiny live miko reaction #thank you 0509 day for snapping me out of my horrific brain fog this is my offering to you #edit WAIT FUCK I FORGOT TO TALK A OUT THE FLOWERS??? #theyre moonflowers (ipmoea alba) teeheee #totally not a mix of a Reference and a mix of me being too dead during planning to put Too Much thought into it #but there

[rawliverandgoronspice]

Honestly for all the "am I pushing this too far? should I pull back?" moments I have working on Thralls' outline, I am often reminded that this is actually a pretty charitable interpretation of what may have happened between OoT and TP....

#thoughts #oot #tp #thralls of power #animated project #there's a version that is 100% arguable where ganondorf got arrested immediately and the gerudos revolted guided by twinrova #and were crushed or pushed away #and that was that #and link leaving for termina only where this “issue” was “solved” #and then he died in the lost woods with zelda ruling hyrule as she grew #it doesn't feel implausible at all #of course there's the opposite take of #oh yeah the gerudos were immediately cool with the murder of their king they apparently partially worshiped and twinrova?? who cares #and they co-built a weird monument/gifted their monument to the hylians to build a prison in which to imprison and execute their own king?? #and to do a weird coliseum thing about it too??? where soldiers and prisoners were apparently sent to die?? #and then they just left. for no reason. #and nobody remembers them and calls them “a pack of thieves” including people who were there at the time of the execution #and the last person with seemingly traces of gerudo heritage 100% identify as hylian #anyway #it's hard to give a “nice” explanation to what happened that doesn't feel incredibly contrived unfortunately

[linagram]

[ 𝚙𝚘𝚜𝚝-𝚝𝟸 𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚊 #𝟶𝟸] 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚊𝚕

THE SECOND TRIAL IS OFFICIALLY OVER. YIPPEEEEEEEEE 🎉🎉🎉 i was about to type "are we ready to see them suffer even more" but ykw. ykw. some characters actually are going to get better :) and some relationship dynamics are going to become a bit more wholesome. some other ones though...

Hinode: So, Miki-san, are you ready to start?

Miki: ...

Hinode: If you want, I can do the talking instead.

Miki: .. N-no, I'm fine. I don't want you to waste your energy on this, so..

Hinode: Haha, you're too kind. 

Miki: I just.. I don't get it. Why did they choose you as a guard? It's too hard for you to even walk and they're making you go through all of this..

Miki: A-ah, it's not like I'm saying you're weak or a burden or anything like that-

Hinode: Well, Eiji-san's arms and legs are covered in bandages and he's in a constant pain, but he still was forced to become a guard, so..

Hinode: It looks like they don't really care about things like that.

Hinode: I'm fine, Miki-san, trust me. Please don't worry about me, okay?

Miki: .. O-okay.

Miki: S-so, the second trial has ended and all prisoners know what verdicts they got this time.

Hinode: I imagine not all of them were satisfied with the result.

Miki: .. Yeah. Definitely. 

Miki: So, um, let's start with the first prisoner, I guess.

Miki: Prisoner 001, Miyagawa Akio. 

Miki: If we voted him guilty, even though Eiji-san is not able to do the punishing himself right now, we'd still have to do something to him and..

Miki: Considering his condition, that would simply kill him. 

Hinode: Also, from what I've heard, his accomplice really was responsible for most of the work. 

Hinode: I agree, it does sound like him just trying to shift the blame, but also.. 

Hinode: For some reason, I believe him. 

Miki: *nods* S-so, he was voted innocent this time.

Miki: Um, Hinode-san, if it's okay.. Remember those questions you made everyone answer?

Hinode: Right. You want to know everyone's answers?

Miki: Y-yes, please. If you don't mind, of course.

Hinode: I have all of the papers with me. Let's see..

Hinode: I can tell by Akio-san's handwriting just how hard it was for him to write. He really was in pain.

Hinode: He talks a lot about his accomplice here. He really misses him a lot, haha..

Hinode: Sorry, that was a bad joke.

Miki: No, no, I.. think he really does miss him.

Hinode: According to Akio-san's answers, his accomplice was responsible for most of the "dirty work" related to their murder. He was the one who did the "physical" aspect of it, but Akio-san was the one who came up with everything.

Miki: H-he admitted it himself?..

Hinode: Yes. I guess this is what happens when someone's in so much pain: they start telling the truth without even noticing it.

Miki: So.. For some reason, Milgram saw Miyagawa-san as the actual murderer?

Hinode: I think it's because, again, he was the one who planned everything. Also, it was his wish to see Chise-san dead that motivated him to murder the boy. If it wasn't for that, it's possible that Chise-san would still be alive.

Hinode: .. I have my doubts though.

Miki: Hm? About what exactly?

Hinode: About Chise-san still being alive. I think it's possible that someone else would've still killed him even if it wasn't for Akio-san.

Miki: .. You're talking about Miyagawa-san's accomplice, aren't you?

Hinode: Yes. I think he would've still tried to kill him even if Akio-san refused to do it himself or join him. 

Miki: May I ask why you think so?

Hinode: You can read Akio-san's answers later, if you want. 

Hinode: I wonder how he reacted to hearing about his verdict.

Miki: He looked shocked at first, but then he sighed loudly and actually looked relieved for a moment. Before I told him that he was forgiven, he was.. shaking. It's like..

Miki: It's like he thought that we're going to punish him again.

Hinode: Haha, well, it's good to hear that he's happy about his verdict. 

Hinode: I hope his condition gets better too. I hate seeing people in pain.

Miki: "Hinode-san sounds like a very nice person.. Maybe he will go easy on the guilty prisoners?"

Miki: "Actually.. I'm still not sure who exactly should punish the guilty prisoners this time."

Miki: "It used to be Eiji-san's job, but.."

Miki: "Never mind."

Miki: N-now.. Prisoner 002, Hanasaki Aimi.

Miki: Even though Eiji-san and some prisoners found her relationship with Miyagawa-san suspicious..

Miki: And her second video was darker and scarier than the first one..

Miki: We still voted her innocent.

Hinode: She had to go through so much, I can't imagine how she would react to getting voted guilty right after she found people that she thought she can trust.

Hinode: I can't help but feel sorry for her. Her problems just feel so.. 

Hinode: .. I just know a person who had to go through a similar thing, haha.

Miki: ".. Is he talking about his brother?"

Miki: Also, even though we still don't know some details of her murder, now we can say for certain that the murder took place at the amusement park that Hanasaki-san's family owned and Hanasaki-san had an accomplice.

Hinode: And her accomplice was..

Miki: .. I think it was her older brother.

Miki: It wouldn't make sense for a classmate or someone else to help her. It also took place at her family's amusement park and of course, a family member would know at least something about how it works. I doubt it would be a parent or a grandparent, so..

Hinode: Also remember what she said during that one interrogation?

Hinode: "Oh well, he's dead anyway".

Hinode: So, her accomplice is definitely a man and.. he's also dead.

Hinode: And her video even shows her killing her accomplice in the end.

Miki: .. So, Hanasaki-san is at least partially responsible for killing her classmates and she also killed her accomplice with her own hands..

Miki: And that accomplice was her own older brother..

Miki: S-she has a reason for doing that, right, Hinode-san? I mean, she has to!..

Miki: If she doesn't-

Hinode: That means you won't be able to forgive her?

Miki: .. I don't know. I-I don't want to think about it.

Miki: It's just.. I can understand why she would want to kill her classmates. I really do feel sorry for her. But her own brother?..

Hinode: Actually, judging from what she wrote here, her relationship with her brother was.. a bit strange.

Miki: Really? But I thought they were close..

Hinode: Oh, Miki-san, being close with someone doesn't always mean you have a perfect and healthy relationship with that person.

Hinode: A-anyway, how did she react to her verdict?

Miki: .. She smiled and ran to give me a hug and said that she knew I will forgive her this time as well. 

Miki: "Because we're friends, after all"..

Miki: .. Prisoner 003, Ishizu Shun.

Miki: He looked like he really wanted to attack Eiji-san and even enjoyed seeing him terrified. And his video showed him killing his victim..

Miki: W-well, victims. 

Hinode: Even someone like you couldn't forgive him this time, huh?

Miki: .. I don't want him to try to attack Eiji-san when he comes back. 

Miki: And.. I just thought that my forgiveness won't save him this time.

Hinode: So, let's see..

Hinode: He claimed that he only killed his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend, correct? 

Hinode: But his video clearly showed him killing both his ex and her boyfriend. 

Hinode: Do you think he knows she's dead as well and he's just in denial or lying or he genuinely doesn't remember killing her?

Miki: .. I feel like he doesn't remember killing her and whenever he does remember it, he just tries to deny it.

Miki: When Eiji-san asked him if she's still alive, he refused to answer and just stared blankly at us and asked which girlfriend he's talking about.

Hinode: Speaking of Shun-san having multiple girlfriends.. What can you say about that?

Miki: Um, I don't know much about that topic..

Miki: But I guess they weren't real?

Miki: Judging from his video, it looked like Ishizu-san used video games and other things as something that could help him escape from his real life problems.

Miki: And because of his mental health issues, he wasn't able to tell which one is fiction and which one is reality and started to believe the connections and relationships he formed in those games were real.

Hinode: .. *laughs*

Hinode: Oh, sorry, sorry. It's just..

Hinode: You know, there could've been some kind of twist, like, imagine him actually having so many girlfriends and not remembering him killing them..

Hinode: But no, he was just being delusional.

Hinode: I guess we expected too much from him.

Hinode: But I wonder just how he met that girl. To be honest, I feel like they weren't in any kind of relationship and he just made that all up and started to think that his fantasies are actually real.

Miki: .. You're saying he started to stalk a random girl and believed that she's actually his ex-girlfriend?

Hinode: It's possible.

Miki: ...

Miki: "W-why do I feel so disgusted whenever I think about Ishizu-san?"

Miki: So, when I told him about his verdict..

Miki: H-he didn't take it well.

Miki: He started panicking and mumbling something about it not making any sense and..

Miki: He tried to attack me, haha..

Miki: But he still wasn't able to touch me, so.. I'm okay.

Miki: "I still don't understand why the prisoners can touch Eiji-san, but they can't touch me.."

Hinode: Hmm..

Hinode: It looks like we've made the right decision, but this guy will definitely cause us a lot of trouble.

Miki: Right..

Miki: Prisoner 004, Chiba Naomi.

Hinode: She was a hard one.

Miki: May I ask why you voted her guilty, Hinode-san? I thought you'd sympathize with her..

Hinode: Well, you see..

Hinode: I hate seeing people in pain, I really do. And I don't want Naomi-san to end up in even more pain. However..

Hinode: First of all, her victim was a child. A ten year old. Who knows how long his life could've been if it wasn't for her.

Hinode: And second of all, her motive. Didn't she reveal that her killing that child was her "fighting for independence"?

Hinode:*laughs* God, this sounds so weird. 

Hinode: She just got tired of that kid and got mad at him for calling her out. 

Hinode: Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that kids can't be.. "evil", but so far I haven't seen any serious threats in her videos. It was just him laughing at her and "bullying" her in a way.

Hinode: But isn't she 30 years old? She's a teacher. She should be able to handle this. It's almost like she got so used to all of her students being so nice and polite, she completely forgot that kids can be annoying.

Hinode: And.. I think adults like that deserve to be punished.

Miki: .. Maybe you're right.

Hinode: Also, I read her answers and she seems to really dislike Asahi-san. Just what is her deal with kids..

Miki: .. C-can I also read that later?

Hinode: Sure. 

Miki: "Why do I feel happy that I agreed to vote her guilty now?"

Hinode: By the way, how did she react to her verdict?

Miki: .. She wasn't happy about it.

Miki: It took her a moment to realize what happened and then she just started laughing uncontrollably. And then she sighed, looked at me and said..

Miki: "Well, you're the guard. Who am I to say that your decisions don't make any sense?"

Hinode: Doesn't sound like something a prisoner who truly wanted to be voted guilty would say.

Hinode: Who knows, maybe she was pretending to be nicer than she really is.

Miki: I feel like it's more complicated than that.. 

Miki: "It's like Chiba-san really does think she's guilty, but deep inside she wants someone to say that they forgive her.."

Miki: Prisoner 005, Sanada Kei.

Miki: .. Watching his video was.. hard.

Hinode: And painful.

Hinode: Just what did those women do to him?

Miki: .. I think it's related to those scars Eiji-san had mentioned.

Hinode: .. But why would they do that to him?

Miki: There was this moment in the video, when one of the women found some of the photographs made by Kei-san and she looked.. disgusted.

Miki: Maybe you already know about.. uh.. Kei-san's job.

Hinode: I do. You think she found those particular photos?

Miki: .. I think so.

Hinode: I find it interesting that Kei-san got so scared. I thought a person with a job like that would be more careful and would have a plan in case something like that happens.

Hinode: Maybe he believed that he would never get caught?

Miki: I'm just trying to understand..

Miki: Did those women try to.. 

Miki: Attack him, maybe? Did they think that he was going to do the same to them and that's why he invited them?

Hinode: But hey, why else would he invite them? 

Miki: W-well..

Miki: ...

Miki: Actually, you're right. Why did he invite them to his house?

Miki: He had so many photographs of those women and it looked like he had some kind of plan..

Hinode: .. Perhaps he was already thinking of murdering them?

Miki: B-but why would he do that?! What did those women even do to him? I mean, before attacking him and all..

Hinode: From what I remember, those women also appeared in his first video and if I'm not wrong, they were dating his friends.

Hinode: Maybe.. something happened between him and his friends? 

Miki: .. I feel like I might have an idea.

Hinode: Really? Please share.

Miki: I-I'm not so sure right now and I need more time to figure this out, but..

Miki: Kei-san's.. "partner" played a big part in his second video. And he also appeared in the first one too.

Miki: I have a feeling that it's not just because he's important to Kei-san, but it's also because he played an important role in Kei-san's crime as well.

Miki: Some lyrics of his song were also.. strange..

Miki: "Do I wanna be seen as strong? Do I wanna be seen as weak? I don't know, but just hug me already".

Miki: Or "Maybe I should accept that this world won't accept me".

Miki: Just what could those lyrics possibly mean?..

Miki: Oh, and when I told him about his verdict, he got really surprised and when I confirmed that it's true and he was forgiven, he laughed and asked..

Miki: "Just how does the guards' thought process work?"

Miki: H-he probably asked that because of us voting him guilty that last time. He looked happy, though he asked me about Eiji-san's condition.. 

Miki: And I couldn't give him an answer.

Miki: Prisoner 006, Yoshioka Eiko.

Miki: .. Both of us agreed that she should be voted guilty. 

Miki: She's a bad influence for both Ishizu-san and Kei-san and she also doesn't feel any remorse for what she did.

Miki: I feel a bit.. sorry for her though. 

Miki: I mean.. What if her victim really wasn't a good boyfriend-

Hinode: Does that mean he deserved to die?

Miki: N-no! No, of course not!

Miki: But.. I don't know. I can't say that Yoshioka-san is a bad person, but she clearly treats some of her fellow prisoners horribly.

Miki: And she doesn't feel any regret and thinks it's completely okay to do those things.

Miki: And also.. Her reaction to Kei-san hurting Eiji-san worries me.

Miki: She said that if anything happens, Eiji-san should tell her.

Hinode: .. Hey, wasn't it Yurika-san who broke Eiji-san's arm?

Miki: *nods*

Miki: .. Oh no.

Hinode: I think we should keep an eye on both of them, just in case.

Miki: When I told her about her verdict, she just rolled her eyes and said:

Miki: "Don't know what you saw in that video, but I guess it's understandable". 

Hinode: .. At least she's chill when it comes to that.

Miki: She did ask me about Eiji-san and her eyes looked a little bit darker than usual, so.. 

Miki: M-maybe restraining her a bit wouldn't hurt.

Miki: Prisoner 007, Yano Asahi.

Miki: We decided to vote him innocent.

Miki: He.. he didn't look so well when me and Eiji-san interrogated him last time.

Miki: I don't know if he would be able to calm down if it wasn't for me. 

Miki: Ah, it's not like I'm bragging or anything-

Hinode: No, no, you should be proud of yourself. You've calmed him down and comforted him when he needed it. You did a good job.

Miki: .. Ehehe~

Miki: His video was.. one of the hardest ones to watch.

Hinode: It clearly showed him as not the best person and he was more than okay with taking advantage of his adoptive mother's money. 

Hinode: However, we should also remember that these videos are not only showing us the prisoners' extracted memories, but also their thoughts and we can see everything in the way the prisoners themselves saw their crimes.

Hinode: Do you think it's possible that Asahi-san feels guilty for his murder and the way he treated his adoptive mother?

Miki: .. I think it is. I doubt he would have reacted in the same way if he didn't feel anything. He was panicking, he refused to talk about it and he clearly looked traumatized. If he didn't feel bad about his murder, he wouldn't show any of those emotions.

Hinode: It's almost like you're speaking from experience, Miki-san. 

Miki: .. W-what do you mean by-

Hinode: Or maybe you just understand children really well, haha.

Miki: .. Ahem.

Miki: And also.. he tries really hard to forget about what happened.

Miki: He never calls her his mother, only "that woman", not only because he doesn't see her as his mother, but also because it's almost like he's trying to push those memories away. 

Miki: She's not his victim or anything, she's just.. "that woman".

Miki: "And also.."

Miki: ".. I can't believe I had to see him again while I was watching Marito's video."

Miki: "I almost broke the screen when I saw him, haha.."

Hinode: Miki-san, is everything alright? You look.. pale.

Miki: I-I'm fine, I'm fine.

Miki: .. Hm, come to think of it..

Miki: I'm not sure if you know about it, Hinode-san, but Asahi-san used to have..

Miki: Um.. An "imaginary friend" based on his mother. Or maybe his "idea" of a perfect mother.

Miki: And I've just realized that he kinda.. stopped talking to her or about her.

Miki: Maybe something happened-

Hinode: Maybe it's because he has you now?

Miki: .. Huh?

Hinode: O-oh, don't get me wrong! I don't mean it in a "he sees you as a mother figure" way.

Hinode: I mean it in more of a "he's not alone anymore" way.

Miki: .. Oh.

Miki: .. When I told him about his verdict, he looked really happy.

Miki: He even ran to hug me and thanked me, haha.

Miki: ".. I wonder if he will remember who I am one day. But I don't want to tell him yet, I'm afraid I will make him remember we had to go through.."

Miki: Prisoner 008, Maruyama Yurika.

Miki: .. Guilty. She's guilty.

Hinode: She broke Eiji-san's arm, threatened to start hurting the other prisoners, is definitely capable of doing that, considering that she had attacked Asahi-san in the past and almost attacked Kei-san and her video was.. 

Hinode: Even worse than Kei-san and Asahi-san's videos combined.

Miki: But I still don't understand anything. I still don't know how her crime went and we're supposed to judge them based on their crimes!..

Hinode: Not necessarily. We can judge them based on anything. 

Hinode: And her being dangerous for us and other prisoners is most certainly a valid reason to vote her guilty.

Hinode: As for her video..

Hinode: I wonder just what kind of job she did while working at a maid cafe.

Hinode: It definitely doesn't seem legal.

Miki: If she has experience with torturing people and kidnapping them..

Miki: .. Huh.

Miki: T-there's this scene in her video where Maruyama-san and her.. manager, I assume, are filling everyone's buckets with some kind of liquid. And she says that "Everyone has their own needs and it's our job to satisfy them".

Miki: I think we should think about that scene more to understand what kind of job she had.

Miki: And I feel like her crime is related to her job too..

Miki: Ah, but that's just my opinion though-

Hinode: You know you sound like a real detective right now? *laughs*

Hinode: Seriously, Miki-san, you're really smart. Sorry for just sitting and listening to you like this, but I really am impressed.

Miki: .. Haha..

Hinode: W-why is your face becoming so red-

Miki: A-anyway, just as I've expected, she got mad at me when I told her about her verdict.

Hinode: Did she try to-

Miki: Yes, she tried to attack me just like Ishizu-san, but I just knocked her out. It's fine.

Hinode: .. Knocked her out?..

Hinode: Miki-san, you're stronger than I thought..

Hinode: .. We will definitely have to restrain her, huh..

Miki: Prisoner 009, Kuroki Riku.

Miki: .. Hinode-san-

Hinode: Yes, this is my brother. Yes.

Miki: .. I'm sorry. 

Hinode: It's fine. I voted him guilty myself.

Miki: B-but why?! Why would you vote your own brother guilty? Do you want to see him in pain?!

Hinode: It's because I know everything about his crime, Miki-san.

Miki: !

Hinode: When everyone started talking about Yue-kun's death, I knew that Riku had something to do with it.

Hinode: Riku told everyone just how much he loved Yue-kun, but he was honest with me and even when he didn't say anything, I could see in his eyes just how much he hated that guy.

Hinode: He wanted him dead, Miki-san. And he would do anything to achieve his goal. 

Miki: .. But why didn't you stop him?

Hinode: .. When even waking up is too physically painful for you, you don't have enough time and energy to talk your brother out of murdering his best friend.

Miki: .. May I ask what was your first thought after you found out about Shiozaki-san's death?

Hinode: I just turned to Riku, who was watching TV with me and quietly asked him if it was him.

Miki: And what did he do?

Hinode: He smiled and left the room.

Hinode: Listen, I don't want to see him in pain. I don't want to hurt him. But I want Riku to understand that even though he really was a victim in a way.. 

Hinode: Murder isn't an answer.At least it definitely wasn't the right answer for him.

Hinode: He really could've just talked to Yue-kun. Maybe Yue-kun wouldn't like it, but at least Riku could say that he tried.

Hinode: But instead he decided to abuse his popularity and turn all of his classmates into loyal dogs that followed his every move and listened to his every command. 

Miki: So what you're saying is..

Hinode: Yes, Miki-san. Riku made his entire class and possibly other students bully Yue-kun into committing suicide.

Miki: .. B-but do you think his death really was-

Hinode: I doubt it. Especially considering the way Riku's first video ends.

Miki: .. When I told him about his verdict..

Miki: .. He just asked me to bring him some hair dye later.

Miki: He said he wants to dye his hair black before he gets punished, haha..

Hinode: Are you planning on doing that?

Miki: O-of course! Even if we voted him guilty, I still want to fulfill his request before..

Miki: Well.. you know.

Miki: And finally.. 

Miki: Prisoner 010, Himura Reina. 

Miki: .. We voted her innocent. Again. 

Hinode: She didn't like that, did she?

Miki: She has to accept that it's the only way she can be saved. I don't think Himura-san deserves to be punished. 

Miki: If Himura-san can accept that she deserves to be forgiven.. I think everything will get better for her after that. 

Hinode: We never see her killing someone directly. It's always her witnessing a murder or hiding the body.. 

Hinode: No matter how much she tries to portray herself as guilty, her videos can't lie. 

Miki: And.. Now we know that her "victim" was her little brother. 

Miki: But I still don't understand what happened to him. If Himura-san is somehow responsible for his death, but she's not the murderer, then.. 

Miki: Who is? 

Hinode: Maybe his death was an accident, but it could've been prevented if Himura-san was there? 

Miki: If that's the case.. 

Miki: ... 

Miki: "I wanted to say that she doesn't deserve to be here, but also.."

Miki: "Marito running away was an accident too. I didn't mean for that to happen."

Miki: "So if we're guilty of doing almost the same thing.."

Hinode: Hey, Miki-san.

Hinode: When you say that she doesn't deserve to be punished, does that mean you think that somebody else in this prison deserves to be punished?

Miki:... 

Miki: I-it's okay. 

Miki: When Eiji-san was punishing them, he was.. I have to say that he was really cruel for no reason. 

Miki: I really do respect Eiji-san, but he punished them not to save them, but to torture them. 

Miki: But when I punish them.. I do it because I love everyone here. 

Miki: Uh, even Maruyama-san. 

Miki: I really do want to save them. I want them to get better. 

Miki: So if punishing them will help them understand that they've done something wrong and they will try to change for the better..

Miki: I don't see any problem with it.

Hinode: .. Heh. I see. 

Hinode: It's actually a good thing though because I was worried that you might not like the new punishment method.

Miki: .. The new punishment method?

Hinode: Well, since it used to be Eiji-san's job, now we're the ones who have to punish the guilty prisoners, right?

Miki: B-but what about you not wanting to-

Hinode: I hate seeing people in pain, Miki-san.

Hinode: I hate seeing them in physical pain.

Hinode: I feel like punishing everyone physically is just so.. tasteless. Everyone can cry and suffer if you hurt them too badly, what's so special about it?

Hinode: I've spent my whole life in pain like that. I know what it's like and I hate it when it's used as a punishment.

Hinode: But this method isn't about the physical pain. It's more about..

Hinode: Here. Do you see this little thing?

Miki: It looks like some kind of.. remote, maybe? It's pretty small though..

Hinode: Yes, you're supposed to keep it in your pocket actually. Make sure to always have it on you. 

Miki: But what does it do?

Hinode: Well, you need everyone's memories to see their videos, right? Otherwise their videos simply can't be created.

Hinode: And this thing.. 

Hinode: This thing extracts everyone's memories, but doesn't turn them into videos or whatever. It simply keeps them inside.

Hinode: You can also give those memories back if you so desire.

Miki: ...

Hinode: I know, this might sound strange, Miki-san, but considering that we have a whole music video machine, this shouldn't be surprising.

Miki: .. And.. Why exactly do we need this machine? What are we going to use it for?

Hinode: I have one with me as well. There's two of them. 

Hinode: So, uh.. You see, Miki-san.. *laughs*

Hinode: I was planning to kind of.. play with the guilty prisoners' memories a little bit.

Miki: !

Hinode: For example, maybe we can take the memories of their childhood and see what kind of people they would become without them. Maybe we can take the memories of their murder and see how they would act. 

Hinode: We can't actually watch the memories we've taken from them though, which is a shame.

Miki: .. And.. How will they-

Hinode: Ah, the physical side effects may be.. 

Hinode: *takes a breath* Dissociation, dizziness, headache, anxiety, depression, nausea, mood swings, even bigger memory loss in the process..

Hinode: But at least it's not cutting their fingers off or beating them up, right?

Miki: .. Can't we come up with a better punishment?

Hinode: But I thought you wanted to save everyone, Miki-san.

Hinode: It's not going to hurt. They're not going to feel any pain. They're just gonna forget some things, actually, it might make them happier.

Hinode: And if anything goes wrong, we can just give those memories back to them.

Miki: .. A weird question, but where did you get this machine?

Hinode: Oh, uh..

Hinode: The rabbit thing from earlier gave it to me.

Miki: ...

Miki: I have a bad feeling about this.

Hinode: Come on, Miki-san, you know we have to do something to the guilty prisoners. 

Miki: Can't we just restrain them?! Can't we just lock them up or something?!

Hinode: You will be in control, Miki-san. 

Hinode: You can always adjust the settings. You can even choose how many memories you wish to extract. 

Hinode: You can go for a small memory loss or a big one. 

Hinode: It's your choice. They don't have to lose all of their memories and they don't have to lose them forever.

Hinode: It's not like they're going to turn into mindless zombies and their brains are going to melt.

Miki: ...

Hinode: .. Are you ready to give it a try?

Miki: .. I-I'll go pay a visit to Ishizu-san. 

***

???: It seems like the third trial is going to start soon. Are you excited?

???: Hm?.. I don't know, should I?

???: It's like.. I want to know how all of this ends, but at the same time..

???: These guards are way too slow. They're not even trying to uncover this place's secrets.

???: But.. Isn't that actually good for us? I mean, that would be a pain to deal with.

???: True, but it also would be more entertaining.

???: These guys just feel like lab rats to me. They're so obsessed with their morals, they don't feel like real people to me, haha.

???: "Everyone is guilty!" "No, everyone is innocent!" A bunch of clowns, that's who they are.

???: *sighs* Well, at least the future guards should be more fun.

???: Ah, have you already made your choice?

???: Yeah. Here, take a look.

???: ...

???: .. O-oh. U-understood.

???: Sorry about this. I know it sounds like I don't care, but..

???: No, no, I.. I understand. 

???: I will-

???: Woah, this tea tastes really good!

???: Oh, sorry for interrupting you. Anyway, can you tell Jackalope to bring this to, uh.. you know, that girl?

???: S-sure, but.. Sorry if this sounds rude, but why can't you do it yourself? 

???: He's taking a nap right now. Getting enough sleep is very important. 

???: S-so you're just telling me to sit there and wait until he wakes up? 

???: Yep.

???: ...

???: Y-you really love him, huh..

???: Okay. Well, if you'll excuse me. 

(sounds of footsteps that become more and more quiet)

???: He's a good guy. 

???: But sadly, good guys like him either don't live long here or just get taken advantage of.

???: I'll prefer it to be the second option-

???: Huh?

???: What's that noise..

???: .. The third prisoner.

═════════•°• ⚠ •°•═════════

The second trial is over. Thank you for participating!

#so yeah. yeah. naomi ended up getting voted guilty. yeah #but at least now we have five inno and five guilty prisoners! kinda cool! #but i really do think her being voted guilty this time is better storywise and makes more sense #ahaha.. so yeah.. just as shun's memory started to get better this happens. #oh btw those two characters in the last part aren't someone we already know. but they've always been there #i mean of course we have someone working behind the scenes :) #the “girl” they mention is someone we do know though #.. i don't want to tag all of them JDJAKSKLASL #🌼guard 002: andou miki 🌼 #❤️‍🩹 guard 003: kuroki hinode ❤️‍🩹 #milgram #milgram oc #ocgram #milgram project

[teknikolor-walters]

OH YEAH WHILE I WAS GONE I MESSED WITH ENTOGRAM A BIT Iris is now prisoner 001, Fallax is prisoner 002, Tiluca is prisoner 003, Color is prisoner 009, and Montei is prisoner 010

#i got rid of seri n darina because i feel like they didnt fit enough #and color n montei are last because they're like. everything about the whole project taken to the extreme #like how kotoko is prisoner 010 #entogram #sorry 4 all the posts btw. theyve been cooking for a week

[jamesvowles]

this might be the first time on this blog i've had a pfp thats been smiling

matching with tumblr user o-warded btw....if u even care to ask

#da mind prison #awkward content twink....the bar is set #lance astral projecting at last years dinner doesnt count

[astrxealis]

fuuta is so interesting tbh

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #⋯ ꒰ა milgram ໒꒱ *·˚ #i voted innocent already but i'll see the drama audio as soon as there's a translation that i can watch/listen to after i do homework asap #i can really understand fuuta. he reminds me of me if i go too far #and so i think that in all honesty yeah guilty -> innocent -> innocent #unless he still might benefit most from a guilty vote this time around #he's really interesting bcs he's actually really similar to us. the viewers #'hoisting up morality and feeling good' he's calling the milgram project out and US. but he's now also being a hypocrite #which is interesting. he said in 'bring it on' smth smth about evil hypocrites are shit! he's like them now ngl #and so guilty vote i think was best. for the first. but ultimately he deserves innocent i believe #the 2nd trial i am unsure about bcs it will of course affect the last trial. and also the rest of the prisoners one way or another #and there is real danger of someone dying... but also idk they might have said that to scare us but this is deco*27. i believe that #the site is so slow oh my god bless i was able to vote almost immediately LMAO #i think fuuta obviously shows regret. also i don't think he was the one who started the flame but the one who added more fire to the flame #and he's. like. 'follows the flow' and 'coward' but 'good at heart'. and ultimately he should be forgiven i believe but yeah yeah? #he's at fault but not the most at fault but he deflects all taking of responsibility and i think that's wrong #i REALLY understand him with that. i was the same. and that's why now i'm still not fully honest with saying my true thoughts #because it's really just hard but ultimately you NEED to. and idk whether an innocent or guilty vote would be best ngl #hmmm tbh nothing is truly certain yet though. lots of theories still but for me thats the gist ^^ ? #he needs to be open about his feelings and thoughts. man up. take responsibility even if it likely is true he isn't the most at fault #because he still is. but at the same time the whole 'spectators' and 'pressure' makes me think it may be some sort of #yk. following the flow. peer pressure thing. and he was the one that was either the loudest in the end or the one who lagged behind #i think he was looking for some sort of validation of sorts maybe. seeking the applause. because he's 'last in line' ??? #'blame-shifting'. i think he's a victim but he's still at fault one way or another but i think he isn't the main/first perpetrator fr #'one mistake and now i'm out of chances' he's defending himself and making excuses but also he's also right #maybe i'm projecting because i really relate to him (not to the extent of causing someone's death ofc but kid me was stupid) #'not my fault not even slightly' now THAT'S wrong. but it's more that he's in denial rather than now knowing that he's wrong #last tag! but yea tldr he's regretful but he still needs to get more out of denial. from experience innocent might actually help w that ngl #fuuta kajiyama

[charlottan]

I think if everyone just sat down and watched like any short little five minute youtube minidocumentary about prisons the entire nation would radically change direction

#I had to do research about prisons for a class project last semester and it changed me #Even already knowing that prisons are Bad

[shivroygirls]

can i just say something? at this party here there are maybe 40 of the most important people in america and you have just walked all around, all evening, telling them all that i'm gonna get fired. no, it was implied, lightly, as a little... god! part of a tactical kind of joke. will you explain to me, the joke? because i don't get the fucking joke. MY GOD, TOM! i don't get the joke, i don't get the joke. it was something that he said, that isn't true, that we needed to say. but you stood by his side, and he said it, and you were like "okay, well, that sounds good to me." fuck's sake, i'm not doing this right now. you know i'm in serious trouble, that was a play. you will be okay because you are a tough fucking bitch who will always survive because you do what you need, you will do what — are you even listening? i will be okay? — you will do whatever you need. yeah? really? yeah, you sure you're not projecting, because that is actually you. should we have a real conversation? with a scorpion? no. that was a friendly thing. that was a friendly thing. yeah. sure. real friendly. yeah, no, i'm a scorpion, you're a hyena, you're a... you're a street rat. actually, no, you're a fucking snake. "here's a dead snake to wear as a necktie, tom", "why aren't you laughing?" (pause) i wonder if we shouldn't clear the air. yeah? yeah. sure. i think you can be a very selfish person and i think you find it very hard to think about me — what the fuck? — and i think you shouldn't have even married me, actually. what the fuck? what the ACTUAL fuck? you proposed to me. you proposed at my lowest fucking ebb. my dad was dying, what was i supposed to say? perhaps "no"? i didn't want to hurt your feelings. thanks! thanks for that! yeah, you really kept me safe while you ran off to fuck the phone book. fuck off. you're hick — and then, and then.. — conservative hick — you hid it, you hid it because you were so scared of how fucking awful you are. you were only with me to get to power. you got it now, tom, you've got it! I'M WITH YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! bullshit, you're fucking me for my DNA, you were fucking me for a fucking ladder because your whole family is striving and parochial. that's not... thats not a fair characterization. no? well, your mom loves me more than she loves you, because she's cracked. you want to... you want to actually clear the air? fine. you betrayed me. YOU WERE GOING TO SEE ME SENT TO FUCKING PRISON, SHIV! AND THEN YOU FOBBED ME OFF WITH THAT FUCKING UNDRINKABLE WINE AND YOU WON'T HAVE MY BABY BECAUSE YOU NEVER EVEN THOUGHT, HONESTLY, THAT YOUD BE WITH ME MORE THAN FOUR FUCKING YEARS, I DON'T THINK! YOU OFFERED TO GO TO JAIL! YOU OFFERED TO GO TO JAIL BECAUSE YOU'RE SERVILE! you're just... YOU'RE SERVILE! YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF THINKING ABOUT ANYBODY OTHER THAN YOURSELF BECAUSE YOUR SENSE OF WHO YOU ARE, SHIV, IS THAT FUCKING THIN! oh yeah you read that in a book, tom? YOU'RE TOO FUCKING TRANSPARENT TO FIND THAT IN A BOOK! you're pathetic, you're pathetic. youre a masochist and you can't even take it. i think you are incapable of love, and i think you are maybe not a good person to have children! well, that's not very nice to say, is it? i'm sorry. i'm sorry, but you... you... you have hurt me more than you can possibly imagine. and you, you took away the last six months i could've had with my dad. no. yes. no! yes. you sucked up to him and you cut me out! it's not my fault that you didn't get his approval. i have given you endless approval and it doesn't fill you up because you're broken. i don't like you. i don't... i don't even care about you. i don't care. have we cleared the air, huh? feel good now? yeah. yeah. fucking great. tip top. you don't deserve me, and you never did. and everything came out of that. so fucking flat.

#succession #tomshiv #jesus fucking christ

[aphrogeneias]

...right? — one-shot

pairing: eddie munson x fem!reader (modern!au)

summary: you're not sure of where you stand with eddie munson, but you're forced to confront your feelings after almost losing him.

word count: 3k

warnings: fluff and angst with a happy ending. jealous!reader. feelings of self-doubt. eddie munson is a sweetheart.

author's note: this one has been a long time in the making, and it may be a little melodramatic, but i'm doing a lot of self-projecting here, so be nice. thank you to @intrepidacious for reading it for me and giving me your approval <3 i'm sorry to all the girls named emma reading this, but i had to give that character a name.

We're performing tonight, if you want to stop by.

You'd been staring at this message for a couple of minutes now, unsure of what to do. You seemed to be in this dilemma a lot, as of late — to answer or not to answer, to show or not to show.

Too scared to show how you felt, but too scared to lose him at the same time.

Zoned out, you caught Robin’s hand flying in your direction from your peripheral. “Stop looking at your phone!”

She snatched it from your hand, still open in your conversation with Eddie. Robin whistled when she took a look at your screen, “Oh, I see. How are things with Mr. Headbanger?”

“You're talking to Eddie?” Chrissy chimed in from her side of the bed, lifting herself on one elbow to see you better with Robin between you.

The three of you had been like this all night, spread out on Chrissy’s queen bed, a sequence of old romantic comedies playing on her TV. There was an empty pizza box on her fuzzy carpet, and a half finished bottle of wine next to it, the second of the night.

You groan, trying to get your phone back to no avail. “Things have been… well, I think. Too well. I guess I've just been waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

Then, it was their time to groan.

Your friends like calling you jaded, but you consider yourself a realist.

It's been a topic of conversation between you for years. Ever since your last relationship ended, after you'd been left for another woman, when you swore off love for good — at first, they thought you were just grieving, it would take time to heal, of course, but you never really did.

You don't think you've ever been anything other than an open wound, in that sense, even before your ex. The high walls that were meant to protect you eventually became a prison you couldn't get out of. A princess and a dragon, all in one.

That is until Eddie Munson came into your life.

No one's ever made you want to drop those walls as much as he does. You'd met him through Chrissy, who’d been his friend since high school, and at first you thought he wasn't really flirting with you. He seemed to always be flirting with everyone, always getting a little too close. Until he asked you out, and you were still not convinced.

It could be a friend date. He could be after one of other friends. Maybe he was just passing time until he found someone better.

That was a few months ago, and Eddie hasn't gone anywhere.

He had a few shirts on your place, merch from various bands which you were growing fond of listening to them in his car. Shirts you would wear to bed when he wasn't spending the night, curling into bed with his smell on you. He'd made friends with your cat, and fixed your coffee in the morning the way you liked it, and left strands of hair loose in your shower.

A brave knight, that Eddie is.

Despite your closeness, and the honesty you see in his eyes whenever you're near him, neither one of you has put a name on what you have. It keeps you up at night, thoughts about calling him your boyfriend and have him laughing at your face. How could you be so stupid?

The thought of it brings tears to your eyes.

“What if that's it, though?” Chrissy interjects, with a gentle voice. Her small hand reached for yours, and gives it a reassuring squeeze. “What if there's no other intentions, no other shoe to drop? You have no reason not to trust him.”

“You say that because he's your friend.”

“Chris is right, babe.” Robin says, sitting straighter on the bed. “He’s never given you any reason to think like that. You need to let yourself go, just this once.”

You sigh, and mumble something along the lines of “Easier said than done,” as you sit up and pull your knees to rest your chin on them.

“You should go, by the way.”

Robin reaches to you with your phone in hand, handling it back to you. Her blue eyes are kind, understanding. Chrissy smiles from her place between you.

“Our local rockstar is waiting for you.”

You respond Eddie with a short omw <3 before your friends are pushing you out of your stupor, and into the street.

They’ve already finished their set by the time you arrive at The Hideout.

You're dressed entirely inappropriate for a dive bar full of metalheads and middle-aged bikers, but you don't let yourself think too much about it because no one really notices you coming in, except for the bouncer who compliments you on your old college sweatshirt.

The night is well beyond starting. The bar is full, and it takes you a while to find Eddie, but when you do, he finds you immediately.

He's at the foot of the stage, talking to his friends. The rest of the band is around too, and you wave at them as Eddie makes his way towards you. The smile that pulls on your lips is uncontrollable when he, with an excited smile of his own, takes you in his arms, wrapping himself around you. “Hi! You just missed the show!”

“I'm sorry! I was at Chrissy’s.”

You take a second to look at him closely. His wild hair is a little damp, and his Accept shirt has the sleeves cut off, which shows more of his tattoos. There's a studded belt on his hips, and you don't think too much before pulling him closer by it.

Eddie kisses you on the forehead, and his lips linger a little bit before pulling away. “Did you tell her I said hi?”

“Forgot to. But next time I'll make sure to send your regards.”

When he's close like this, you almost forget your doubts. When his arm is around your shoulders and he's pulling you close, the smell of his cologne and the last cigarette he smoked before going on stage cling to you, and you cling to it in turn.

“Good, and make sure to arrive on time next time too because we played your favorite and you weren't here.” He pouts dramatically, putting one hand to his chest.

The gasp you let out matches it. “Metal Health? Eddie, no!”

“Eddie, yes!” He shakes you a little, turning you in the direction of the tables. “We played Quiet Riot, and you weren't here to see it. Have to say I'm a little disappointed, sweetheart.”

Walking along with him, you stop when you reach a vacant booth on the corner. Turning to face him fully, you leave a soft kiss on his stubbled chin. “I guess you'll just have to keep playing it, then.”

“Does that mean you'll come to every show?”

There's no space between the two of you, standing chest to chest with each other. The rest of the bar disappears. “I might, if you'll have me.”

“Baby, I'll…”

The bubble you find yourselves in shatters and breaks when Eddie stutters, and turns, because there is someone poking him on the back, disturbing your moment. It's a woman, asking to speak to him.

You don't really register what she's saying. All you know is that you've seen her around before, and you know she's friends with the guys. Eddie apologizes to you as he's being dragged away for a private conversation. “I'll be right back! Don't go far.”

Nodding, you remain frozen in place.

They don't go far, but you can't really tell what they're talking about, but her hand on his forearm, slowly rising to his bicep, tells you everything you need to know.

You don't realize it but you're shaking a little bit, cold sweat prickling through your suddenly frigid skin. There's a ringing in your ears, and a lump growing in your throat, but you can't stop yourself from looking.

He looks beautiful like this. The light from the now empty stage hits his figure from the back, making him look every bit like the rock god he's always aspired to be. The frizz on his hair creates a halo around his head, and you think you might faint.

To his credit, he doesn't get any closer to the girl. Doesn't flirt back. His smile is polite, and he maintains a sensible distance, but that's not enough to ease your mind.

He's only keeping a distance because you're here. Your mind says, always the traitor. You're holding him back. He could be making out with a different girl every night. Maybe he is. Maybe he is and you're none the wiser. Better walk away now. Go, before your heart breaks.

It's already breaking, and you're the culprit.

You almost don't notice Eddie return to you, as your vision’s gone blurry.

“Sorry, Emma wanted to invite me to an after party. Told her I was busy.” There it was, his easy smile again. From a first look, you wouldn't think Eddie Munson smiles so easily, but it's always there, pulling on his full lips and showing off his dimples.

You would smile back, as usual, but it's like your face can't move.

“Just you?” You ask, “Not the rest of the boys?”

He laughs, but there's not much humor behind it. “Just me.”

“Aren’t you gonna say anything?” He is still grinning, raising one eyebrow at you, as if taunting you to speak up. Something rotten spreads through your insides, stirring them, rising like bile right through your opened mouth.

“Say what? It's not like we're dating, Eddie."

If regret could kill, you would be dead the moment you saw his face fall. Eddie's expressiveness is a double-edged sword — his happiness was contagious, but when he’s upset, there is nothing that could distract you from the way his bambi eyes plead to you.

You double down anyway, already feeling like a fool, but too stubborn to take back what you said.

"...right?"

“Is that what you think?” He asks, a pout on his pretty lips. “Is that what you want?”

“I… I don't know.” Your mouth is moving, but it's like you don't have control over what you're saying anymore. Like you can't even hear yourself, too taken by the dread that has taken over your body. “I think… What do you think?”

You throw the question back at him because you can't be the first one to say it. Because if he backs out, if you say what you really want — and it's him, he's all you've ever wanted, and the realization hits you like a punch to the gut — and he says it's never been quite like that, that he doesn't want you the same way, that he's just been passing the time, you would break.

Eddie looks away from you, then. His fingers pinch the bridge of his nose, “You're not sure what you want, is that what you're telling me?”

“No! No, it's not like that.” You almost choke on your own spit, “I'm just…”

Scared. Of opening your heart, of rejection, of him leaving when he learns how much you want him, need him.

“If you're not sure of what you want, I think you should take some time to think about it.”

“But, Eddie, I…”

“Think about it, and call me when you know.”

One of his hands goes to your shoulder, squeezing it, and briefly running thumb over the fabric of your sweatshirt. He's turning around before you can stay anything, the lump in your throat too big to allow you to speak.

The room feels like it's turning upside down as you turn the other way, towards the door. It turns and turns on its axis, and you almost lose your balance as you're making your way out. You wave halfheartedly at the bouncer, who waves back at you in the middle of his conversation with a green haired girl.

Walking home, you have time to think of what you'd just done.

As the tears roll freely through your face, and you wipe them with the end of your sleeves, you think of Eddie’s sullen face, once full of life, now transpiring his disappointment in you. You'd let him down, and it was all your fault.

In an attempt to protect yourself, you pushed him away.

You imagine him back at the bar, with the boys. With Emma, ready to console him after what you just did to him. The thought of it just makes you cry harder, trying to control your breathing as you get closer to your apartment.

You did what you always do. Leave first, turn your back, clam up back into your shell. You just never thought you'd do that to him.

It doesn't take long until you spiral.

You did all you could after you got home. Tried to breathe, but it only made you cry harder. Curled up on the couch with your cat, a brown tabby that curled herself right back into you, and cried until there were no tears left. Ignored your friends’ messages on your phone, pretending everything was all right.

Tried to drink, but felt too sad to even open your fridge. Ran into one of Eddie’s hoodies hanging from the back of a chair in your room, and felt more tears coming, but no strength to cry.

Everything in your room reminded you of him — your unmade bed where he'd be lying on if you didn't screw up, the fantasy book he'd let you borrow on your bedside table, a polaroid of the two of you with your arms around each other serving as a bookmark.

You pick your phone, and it rings and rings. He doesn't answer. In a moment of panic, you leave a message instead, pacing through your room on your bare feet, still wearing the clothes you went out in. The cat on your bed follows your movements with her eyes.

“Hi, Eddie. I… You might not even want to hear from me right now, and I get that. Really, I do, but… You just need to know I know I fucked up. I didn't mean to do you like that, I didn't mean to say those things to you.”

Your voice trembles, just like the hand that's holding your phone to your mouth, but you keep going, “Of course we're dating, we've been dating for a while now. I was too scared to say anything because we never put a label on it and I thought you didn't want anything with me, I guess I just didn't want to be the first one to say it in case you decided this wasn't… that I wasn't… what you wanted.”

There's a few seconds pause as you take a deep breath, and release it in an anguished sigh. “What I'm trying to say is… that I like you. A lot. Have since the beginning. And I understand if you didn't want anything to do with me anymore because of what I just did, but… if you still want to talk, I'm… I'm still here, okay? I'm still here.”

When you're finished, you throw your phone back on your bed, and wait.

You're still pacing around the house, a mug full of tea in hand, when you hear your phone vibrating on your bed. You almost don't pick it up, but you do anyway.

Two notifications from Eddie.

Can I come over?

Are you still up?

Hands shaking, you answer with a simple Yeah. Key’s on the carpet.

The clock on your screen says it's 2:22 AM.

You hear your door opening not too long after that, the spare key turning on the lock, as you're sitting on the couch, writing like a kid that's to be scolded when their parents come home. The mug of tea is half empty at your feet, and now cold, just as your nervous hands as Eddie comes through the door.

Wearing a Metallica sweatshirt, an older one that you've borrowed before, one you know how soft it feels on the skin, he comes in and silently closes the door behind him, leaving the key on a small ceramic plate by it.

You cave in before he can say anything. “I'm sorry.”

Your chin is wobbling again, but you swallow it down, not wanting to make a scene. Eddie comes closer, and sits next to you, careful not to kick the mug that you left carelessly on the floor.

“No, I'm sorry. I should have said something, I should have told you what you meant to me sooner. You know… I've been calling you my girlfriend to everyone but to the person who matters the most.”

“Everyone?” You repeat, “Everyone who?”

“The guys. At work. Wayne…”

“You told your uncle I'm your girlfriend?” The word feels foreign in your tongue, but not unpleasant. Eddie looks sheepish, but the corner of his mouth twitches and lifts just a bit, one of those dimples you love making an appearance in your dimly lit living room.

“Yeah. Like I said, everyone but the one who matters the most.”

There it is. That earnestness, pouring through him, warming you up from the inside out.

“And I guess… Am I the person you mean?”

“Who else would it be?” He's tilting his head now, kind eyes aimed at you. You huff a weak laugh, them, relief hitting you in waves. Not thinking too much, you throw yourself at him, hugging him by the shoulders, and folding your legs under your thighs to be closer to him.

“I'm still sorry, though. Sorry that I made you think I had doubts, or that I…”

Eddie doesn't let you finish, shushing you with a hand on the back of your head, and another wrapping around your waist, keeping you in place. “It's okay, sweetheart. I'm sorry too.”

“Since we're both sorry, does anyone have to be sorry at all?” You mumble into his shoulder, taking in his smell through his clothes. It soothes you more than anything can, along with his voice vibrating through his chest, and the warmth of his body clinging to yours.

“I think we can discuss the details in the morning.”

He seals it with a kiss to your temple. You and your boyfriend sleep on that same couch, and in the morning, there is nothing left to say.

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