#kassie brainblogs

[amorremanet]

me: *is miserably lonely and desperately craves human contact*

also me: *constantly withdraws from people, blanks out and short-circuits when anyone is even remotely nice to me, always assumes the worst about people/their intentions and reacts accordingly without any actual reason for doing so, puts in no actual effort to meet anyone new much less befriend them, only barely keeps in contact with the friends i already have, and despite any apparent progress i ever manage to make, part of me still fundamentally believes that i am terrible and i deserve to be alone because i don’t want to die anymore but said part of me nevertheless feels like everyone would be better off without so why bother trying to connect with anyone or letting myself get attached*

#me: *writes stories where characters do the exact opposite of what i do & learn the lessons that i wish i felt applied to me but i don't #because why would lessons about belonging & your intrinsic worth as a person apply to me when i'm worthless* #i literally started going to socially progressive gay church despite not being religious because i just wanted to be around kind people irl #and then the people were kind to me so i freaked out and stopped going #'we burn our bridges when we come to them' and all that right tom stoppard #idek what to tell my psychiatrist on wednesday 'i think i just distract myself from feeling empty & worthless but i still feel that way'? #but anyway i'm sorry for needing to vent this somewhere #i'm sorry for being such a shit friend #i don't even know what to cw tag this with right now i'm sorry #mine: personal #mine: shitposting #kassie hush #kassie brainblogs #complaining for ts #whining for ts #negativity for ts #mental health tag

[amorremanet]

Well, I don’t know about anyone else, but I just love having zero energy, no motivation, and little to no ability to tolerate frustration without breaking down and crying, how’s your Saturday going

#kassie brainblogs #kassie hush #complaining for ts #mental health tag #actuallydepressed #actuallymentallyill #mine: shitposting

[amorremanet]

My grandma finally passed last night

Still waiting to feel something other than: 1. mild relief that she isn’t in pain anymore;

2. more powerful, selfish relief about the whole situation because I didn’t actually like her that much and all the time I’ve spent helping take care of her in the past year has been seriously tainted for me by the whole, “Yeah, Grandma likes having me around because I actually talk to her and watch her game shows with her, but she wouldn’t like it so much if she knew that I’m a lesbian, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”;

3. the anxiety of waiting for the other shoe to drop and the remaining family members to go full-blown Greek tragedy all over everything;

and 4. “I am hungry and I realize that I should eat, but all I really want is to bury myself in a blanket with a huge mug of tea and space out while listening to ‘Still Alive’ (the Portal one, not the Yuri On Ice one) for like three-and-a-half hours”

#kassie brainblogs #mine: personal #family drama for ts #kassie hush #lol using tumblr as an actual diary #death cw

[amorremanet]

me, sitting at the kitchen table in the house i’ve lived in since i was five: “fuck this, i want to go home”

#no i don't really know what i mean either #but hey it's not like me being an emotional disaster area is new so #whatever i'm going to bed #kassie hush #mine: personal #pointless post is pointless #kassie brainblogs

[amorremanet]

me: “why can’t my favorite characters catch a break, let them be happy, please stop hurting my babies”

also me: “okay i hear what you’re saying about happy fluff but all i have in stock right now is at best, angst-heavy hurt/comfort and at worst, grimdark that runs on pain and sadness, but i can put you on a wait-list if you want and call you when we the fluff comes in? ……yes, i already checked in the back, i’m terribly sorry”

#fandom shenanigans #kassie hush #kassie brainblogs #about me: if i were psychic do you think i'd be writing #writing is hard #mine: shitposting #but it's even worse with my OCs because then it's like…… okay but i have to hurt them or no one else will #anyway the punchline is that i just spent my annual psych eval telling a doctor how i'm so better adjusted than i was when i was younger #unfortunately that is still very true but i mean……… #tiny!kassie's only literary sins were my 'creative' spelling & the overpowered mary sue self-insert from my HP/sailor moon crossover fic #(which was literally my first fanfic ever okay so don't fricking judge i learned a lot about myself from writing that fic #……by which i mean that i learned how to spend birthday money on 'how to writer' self-help books at borders but for me that's the same thing) #point being: i was a huge disaster as a kid & wrote fluffy power fantasy nonsense. i was a huge disaster in high school & it's not like i #didn't write angst bc i did but i also wrote a fuckton of terrible borderline ooc wolfstar fluff that's still up on FF.net to keep me humble #(but seriously it is…… Not Good. it's from the days when we had to include m/m or f/f warnings unless we wanted to get flamed by homophobes) #and while i have a lot more problems now i'm also more self-aware & better at recognizing them…… #and i feel guilty bc i've been venting a lot of them all over shiro today whoops? #in the form of a fic that is playing hopscotch on a very fine line between 'grimdark' and 'heavy angst' sooooo… yup #anywho i have 'no children' stuck in my head and i'm gonna go sleep

[amorremanet]

I’m seriously considering just quitting grad school already

Going makes me miserable, thinking about it makes me miserable, I hate everything about it anymore and all it’s really doing is making me more indebted to someone who is, at best, a destructively egocentric, emotionally manipulative monster who fuels my beliefs that I’m stupid and useless and terrible and worthless and I can’t do anything without her and then turns around and wonders why the fuck I hate myself, not to mention how school makes me feel worse about how little I feel I’ve done with my life

—and the killer is, I don’t even know why I’m here anymore because I hate academia, I hate everything about it, I don’t want to be involved in it because pretty much everything about it bothers me on some level, even the parts that I used to love have seriously worn out their welcome and anymore, they just make me want to puke (and it doesn’t exactly hurt that going into academia feels way too much like shit with my mother, like I’d only be accepting that idea because I believe that I can’t do anything else)

I don’t know, but I’m miserable and I don’t think I can ignore the fact that grad school is making me worse. Quitting and finding something else to do with myself already feels like it’s probably the best decision I could make

#mine: personal #kassie hush #kassie brainblogs

[amorremanet]

Apparently, I’ve seen too many different looks on Tatiana Maslany that my difficulty attaching names and faces to each other has decided I’m never going to be able to recognize her ever again and may or may not look at her and think things like, “Does Lena Headey have a sister, is that why I feel like I know her” and, “Huh, Gal Gadot’s face looks kinda different, oh because she’s not Gal Gadot, okay got it…… so who is she though”

#mine: personal #kassie hush #just hush and go to bed dumdum #kassie brainblogs

[amorremanet]

me: so, we have a new fave

douchebag brain: it sure does seem that way

me: well, I don’t except us to love them casually-

douchebag brain: lmao “casually,” that’s so cute :)))

me: ………yes, well. do you think that, i don’t know, uhhh??

douchebag brain: just ask the question already

me: do you think that, just this once, we could possibly love them without getting stuck in the atrocious Limbo between, “I want them to be safe and happy and to get kind of chubby and soft so I can project my desire for body positive self-validation onto them,” and, “No, I’m going to project onto them all of my bullshit feelings related to control, restrictive disordered eating, and so on”?

douchebag brain: hmmmmmm.

me: like…… please. please. pretty please. just this once, it would mean so much to me, I-

douchebag brain: yeeeeeeah, no, I don’t think so. :)

me: ……well, is there any particular reason why not? :/

douchebag brain: nah, I just don’t feel like it :)))))

me: *sighs* understood :/

#Q: is the fave in question this time shiro? #A: ………how is that even a question like seriously why do you need to ask that #also yes the fave in question this time is takash! 'shiro' shirogane #mine: personal #mine: shitposting #mine: fandom blah blah blah #kassie brainblogs

[amorremanet]

All night tonight, my brain’s been going like, “I miss writing fanfic, we haven’t done it in so long, and original fic is nice but I really miss fanfic,” so I gave up and went, “Okay, what do you want to do” My answer to myself was apparently, “Yuri On Ice,” but I’m so mixed about the idea that I had, where it’s like…… I’d totally read it if someone else wrote it, but I don’t want to write it because it was pretty much, “generic, boring as shit AU wherein Viktor was a dancer until very recently, has zero idea what he’s doing with his life now but is kind of feeling like he’s doing it wrong, and fuck shit dammit, his bff Chris had to make a cute new friend (Yuuri) under still-very-ill-defined circumstances that I feel probably involve drag and chubby!Yuuri because he’s not a figure skater in this AU so there is no reason for him to not be chubby, so why the fuck not “and Viktor is pining and at 28, still hasn’t had anyone notice that he’s autistic, and how many ways can he find to put his foot in his mouth with the cute boy? Probably a lot, that’s how many. Two of younger adopted siblings (Mila and Georgi) are more or less sympathetic, but the angry teenage one (do I even need to say it) thinks this is stupid and everything is stupid and excuse him, he needs to go dye his hair pink because he thinks it will piss off their parents, anyway stop talking to him Viktor, you have a friend to talk to about your feelings and junk, emotions are gross and Yuri hates them “(Chris strongly disagrees about feelings being gross, but Chris also thinks that visually interesting dick pics are a higher form of art than painting, ‘because it takes more work to be original and visually interesting in a dick pic,’ and he insists that he met Johnny Weir at Starbucks once and made Johnny hate him, and he’s been keeping weird hours lately and doing the, ‘I just had sex’ walk more often than usual, but he says he can’t talk about why, and oh god what if he is having sex with Yuuri) “(he’s not, but Chris feels bad about not being able to tell his best friend about his boyfriend for still-undefined reasons, so he’s going to just let Viktor be Extra about it until he gets it out of his system and calms down, which is probably not a good idea actually but it is at least better than some of the other bad ideas that Chris and Viktor have ever gotten up to)” —and that’s about when I cut myself off, with a lot of bullshit hipster groaning to the tune of, “ugh, really? If we’re going to be repetitive and silly and troped to death, we couldn’t at least do it with a rarepair? This is so dull, Brain. It’s obvious that we don’t actually miss fanfic right now; you’re just being a piece of shit because you want attention and don’t want to work, otherwise you would’ve come up with a better idea, blah blah blah” Which is ridiculous, because like I said, I would read the shit out of this if someone else wrote it, so I’m applying a pretty blatant double-standard to it because I’m me and not someone else, and using it as an excuse to be mean to myself for no good reason, but…… here we are, and I have no idea how I want to end this post, soooo. —uh, Phichit is going to art school in this AU. He is a photographer, weekend ASPCA volunteer, and a hella morning person to the consternation of pretty much all of his housemates. Anyway.

#mine: shitposting #mine: yuri on ice #kassie brainblogs #kassie hush #pointless post is pointless #writing is hard

[amorremanet]

*wastes four hours writing a 4k essay about something important to me and getting really emotionally worked up, then deletes it because of a simultaneous belief that on one hand, I might be wrong and could lead other people into being wrong too, and on the other, no one cares or wants to hear it anyway so trying to say shit anything will just make people angry but not in a way that leads to a meaningful discussion or any positive change, so shut up, self, and just go fuck around with your novel or Photoshop or something, lmao :)))))*

#kassie brainblogs #mine: personal #kassie liveblogs tumblr #kassie hush #pointless post is pointless #lol using tumblr as an actual diary #self deprecation tag

[amorremanet]

ah, the joy of having to explain the, “shut the fuck up, Brenda” method of dealing with intrusive thoughts to my therapist because she asked, based on a lot of things about how today was going for us, if I’d thought about self-harm or suicide lately, and I had to go, “yeah, but not in a way where I actually want to do anything, more in an annoying intrusive thoughts way that is tedious as Hell and incredibly demoralizing but not quite as bad as it could be” by, “joy,” I mean something more like, “not really, not even sarcastically, this is actually pretty awful and explaining the, ‘shut the fuck up, Brenda’ method was only a little less downbeat than everything else today because telling your intrusive thoughts, ‘shut the fuck up, Brenda’ is sort of amusing as a concept,” but…… well *shrug emoji* so it goes

#kassie brainblogs #kassie hush #pointless post is pointless #lol using tumblr as an actual diary #mental health tag

[amorremanet]

me: we’re gonna write for a bit longer before bed now, okay. my brain: ooooooor you know what would maybe be fun? :))))) me: yes. writing. like i just told you. writing would be incredibly fun. my brain: nah, man. hold my drink, i’m gonna try to balance a spinning plate on a stick on top of your cerebral cortext, and sing, “it’s the end of the world as we know it (and i feel fine)” and “we didn’t start the fire” at thE SAME TIME OHHHHHH me: my brain: :DDDD????? me: *sighs* my brain: you are not reacting with the bombast that i expect from you when i do things like this. be mad at me. or worse, be disappointed!! me: i can’t be either of those things with you right now my brain: whY NOT THO. I HAVE MISBEHAVED!!! NOW DO THE PROPER THING AND CHASTISE ME FOR IT. me: i’m just……… so tired my brain: okay well, but hey, what if i went back to singing beyoncé’s “blow” but not in the right order, just skipping all over the song with no rhyme or reason, and pointlessly repeating different incomplete parts of it for like five minutes straight me: yeah, no, you did that for about two hours this morning, am i supposed to be impressed my brain: no, you’re supposed to curse me and give me attention me: ………right, well. goodnight, brain. you have stunningly made an ass of both of us again. good work with that. i’ll most likely kill you in the morning. my brain: y’know, just because you can quote the princess bride at me doesn’t make you right!!! me: *ignores and goes to bed because but really now, to hell with this*

#kassie brainblogs #me @ my brain: why are you like this #me @ my brain: fuckin must you #pointless post is pointless #mine: personal #sleep deprived blogging #writing is hard #actual about me #all caps for ts//

[amorremanet]

on one hand, it’s helped a lot, figuring out that i am actually extroverted, just also autistic and riddled with anxiety (not to mention that deep-set fear that i’m not good enough and never will be and most people probably secretly hate me, even if they don’t know it yet — thanks, mom!), because now i have a better idea of what i need and about some things that work for me on the other hand, it sucks because now i get to be stuck in places like, “i really need to go be around people who aren’t all passive-aggressive psychologically toxic emotional manipulators like my mother and her sister, but i feel so worn down already from dealing with them and the situation with grandma and the miscellaneous family dramas that i have no stake and want to remain uninvolved in, ffs stop trying to make me have an opinion about [topic of the day] “—so, i feel like i might get overwhelmed way too easily and idk if it’d be better for me to be alone or to go be with people. also, i still assume that most people don’t actually want me around unless they outright tell me otherwise, but lbr, i’d do that even if i still thought i’m an introvert, so it’s kinda beside the point”

#the tl;dr of the situation with my grandma is: she has cancer; she's dying; she's taking chemo treatments but at the same time? #she's like 92 or something & they're keeping her alive a little longer but short of an actual miracle? she's probably gonna die this year #which… i don't know if i feel anything about that beyond 'well at least she won't be in pain anymore when she does finally go' #i was way more upset about polish grandma in 2015 bc it happened out of nowhere & i had a better relationship with her than irish grandma #but otoh my mom & her siblings are kind of falling apart like… mom & her sister are still close but they're both pissed @ their baby brother #(understandably so because he's being a real fucklord rn) & p much no one wants to deal with their eldest brother bc he's really blatantly #already plotting how he can weasel the most money out of grandma's death as possible & it's just like 'ron ffs stop your mother is dying can #you stop being such a piece of shit for like ten minutes' (answer: no. no he cannot stop that. or he won't. idk but he's one family member i #would be perfectly happy if i never had to see or deal with ever again as long as i live) #anyway the point is that i wish that three of my four closest friends didn't live in new york alaska & australia #bc having only one of them being local is……… sadness inducing #kassie brainblogs #mine: personal #lol using tumblr as an actual diary #kassie hush #actuallyautistic #family drama for ts #death ref// #(future death anyway) #cancer ref// medical ref//

[amorremanet]

Hey, Houston, it’s me again, no problems this time exactly, but I do have an awful lot of questions? D’you think you can help me out here, or…… Houston?? Houstoooon????

#mine: shitposting #kassie brainblogs #current mood: confused and distracting myself from this by running errands #and then i go back to making arguments like 'this person's arguments are less credible than fics where blood gets used as lube'

[amorremanet]

Well, the Wanted special destroyed me, and now I’m acting like a skittish bird about just reading an ask I got on one of my sideblogs because I’m high-strung because LARS WHAT THE HELL NO NOT MY SON WHAT LAAAAARS and all of those ugly gross emotions are spilling over where they don’t belong and making me get irrationally scared of what if I did something that made somebody hate me by getting confused about whether or not they meant to send a fic prompt to someone else

“I am an adult,” I tell myself, even as I blatantly fail at acting like one for the umpteenth time today

#mine: personal #kassie brainblogs #kassie liveblogs tumblr #how to adulthood wrong the life the blog #no but really i'm very torn between being proud of my son and really upset about this #and i need to calm down #i realize this #now @me: come on self let's try to make it happen