#i was way more upset about polish grandma in 2015 bc it happened out of nowhere & i had a better relationship with her than irish grandma

[amorremanet]

on one hand, it’s helped a lot, figuring out that i am actually extroverted, just also autistic and riddled with anxiety (not to mention that deep-set fear that i’m not good enough and never will be and most people probably secretly hate me, even if they don’t know it yet — thanks, mom!), because now i have a better idea of what i need and about some things that work for me on the other hand, it sucks because now i get to be stuck in places like, “i really need to go be around people who aren’t all passive-aggressive psychologically toxic emotional manipulators like my mother and her sister, but i feel so worn down already from dealing with them and the situation with grandma and the miscellaneous family dramas that i have no stake and want to remain uninvolved in, ffs stop trying to make me have an opinion about [topic of the day] “—so, i feel like i might get overwhelmed way too easily and idk if it’d be better for me to be alone or to go be with people. also, i still assume that most people don’t actually want me around unless they outright tell me otherwise, but lbr, i’d do that even if i still thought i’m an introvert, so it’s kinda beside the point”

#the tl;dr of the situation with my grandma is: she has cancer; she's dying; she's taking chemo treatments but at the same time? #she's like 92 or something & they're keeping her alive a little longer but short of an actual miracle? she's probably gonna die this year #which… i don't know if i feel anything about that beyond 'well at least she won't be in pain anymore when she does finally go' #i was way more upset about polish grandma in 2015 bc it happened out of nowhere & i had a better relationship with her than irish grandma #but otoh my mom & her siblings are kind of falling apart like… mom & her sister are still close but they're both pissed @ their baby brother #(understandably so because he's being a real fucklord rn) & p much no one wants to deal with their eldest brother bc he's really blatantly #already plotting how he can weasel the most money out of grandma's death as possible & it's just like 'ron ffs stop your mother is dying can #you stop being such a piece of shit for like ten minutes' (answer: no. no he cannot stop that. or he won't. idk but he's one family member i #would be perfectly happy if i never had to see or deal with ever again as long as i live) #anyway the point is that i wish that three of my four closest friends didn't live in new york alaska & australia #bc having only one of them being local is……… sadness inducing #kassie brainblogs #mine: personal #lol using tumblr as an actual diary #kassie hush #actuallyautistic #family drama for ts #death ref// #(future death anyway) #cancer ref// medical ref//